This message is a reply to Re: A CHALLENGE! For an Indie Madnesse Wacky Fight! posted from Scott Schimmel posted at May 23, 2000 at 23:24:13 [SCOTT and W4 face off in the ventizordicolicon.] W4: Okay, bub! Nobody's marrying Kate while I'm around! SCOTT: That's what you think! I'll marry whomever I want whenever I want to! And do you know what? You can't do a thing to stop me! W4: Oh, yeah? SCOTT: Yeah! W4: YEAH? SCOTT: YEAH! W4: Prove it! Go marry Jonatan! SCOTT: Fine, I think I wi-WAITAMINUTE! What if I don't want to marry Jonatan? W4: [snickers] Just as I thought. You don't have the skills to marry Jonatan. You hack. [SCOTT gets flustered.] SCOTT: You doubt my wacky prowess? W4: In a word? Yup. SCOTT: Fine! Then *YOU* marry Jonatan! W4: [folds arms] He's not my type. KATE: [annoyed] Well, will one of you marry someone PLEASE? [SCOTT scoops KATE up in his arms and runs off.] SCOTT: If at first you don't succeed... W4: HEY! Come back here! SCOTT: Try and catch me! [gives W4 the raspberry] BEEEEE-DAAAAAAH! W4: GYEARGH! [W4 blows a whistle. A moment later, MADS is by W4's side.] MADS: Hi, Woofer! [W4 hops on MADS's back so MADS is now carrying W4 on piggyback.] W4: FOLLOW THAT SCHIMMEL! [MADS wobbles and teeter-totters for a few seconds before collapsing under W4's weight.] W4: [grumbles] I should have realized that this wouldn't work. MADS: I could have told you that much. Ow. My spine. W4: Now what am I going to do? */ \* WHAT IS W4 GOING TO DO? WHAT IS SCOTT GOING TO DO? WHAT IS KATE GOING TO DO? WILL MADSMAN FIND A DECENT CHIROPRACTOR? WILL ANYBODY MARRY JONATAN? AND WHOM ELSE WILL JOIN THIS WACKY FIGHT? I dunno. You tell me. ^_^ ******************** This message was posted by Jonatan, legend with a cat , posted on May 24, 2000 at 15:31:25 coming from telia.com This message is a reply to Indie Madnesse Wacky Fight Round 1: FIGHT! posted from Kichigaisakka W4 posted at May 24, 2000 at 12:20:28 [A huge grey Volvo comes to a screeching halt right in front of W4. The door on the driver's side opens, and a ominous trenchcoated figure steps out.] W4: What do you want? [The figure suddenly points a huge gun at W4's head] W4: [mega-sweatdropping] I'm sure we can work this out... [The figure pulls the trigger. For a brief second, Woofer's life plays before his eyes [Hey W4, you wanna put something here?], then everything goes dark. W4 falls to the ground.] W4: [muttering to himself] Am I dead? Wait, dead people don't ask if they're dead, do they? They should know. [feels around his face, and removes the post-it note sticking to his forehead] I can see again! [reads the note] 'YOU'RE NOT MY TYPE EITHER. -J'. [Crumples the note] Was that-- Jonatan: Yup. [W4 turns to see Jonatan sitting on the hood of the huge Swedish car. For reasons known only to him, he's wearing only a pair of khaki pants, another of his bandannas, and a black cat is sitting on his head. A trenchcoat is slung over his shoulder.] W4: Jon? Why... um, why the cat? Cat: Meow! Jonatan: No reason. [pets the cat] Good Bake-Neko. Need a ride, Woof? */\* WHAT NEXT? WILL WOOFER NEED A RIDE? WHY AM I WEARING A CAT, BUT NO SHIRT? WILL WOOFER ACCEPT, OR BE FREAKED OUT? HOW BIG IS THIS ARENA, ANYWAY? WILL MADS BE BACK IN ACTION SOON? HOW BIG IS MY VOLVO? WILL ANYONE MARRY ME? WILL ANYONE MARRY WOOFER? WILL KATE BECOME A MORMON? DOES THE POPE CRAP IN THE WOODS? WILL I CONSIDER GOADING W4 INTO THE OTAKU WAR? AND WHY SHOULDN'T YOU RET-CON YOUR JETPACKS? Coming soon to a brief MB omake near you! ************************ This message was posted by Kichigaisakka W4 , posted on May 24, 2000 at 20:01:42 coming from marconiis.com This message is a reply to Oro? But we hardly know each other! posted from Jonatan, legend with a cat posted at May 24, 2000 at 15:31:25 [SCOTT makes his getaway on a giant mechanized squirrel. KATE is dressed in a wedding dress.] KATE: You do realize that I could just transform to my lancer form and skewer you, right? SCOTT: Yes, you can. But you wouldn't do that. KATE: Oh? Why not? SCOTT: Because the unification of the Schimmel clan and the Malloy clan was meant to be. It is the conclusion of a 450-year legacy! KATE: [confused] Come again? SCOTT: Allow me to explain. KATE: This will require a flashback, won't it? SCOTT: Well, since I need to describe a 450-year-old event, I have little choice in the matter. [KATE shrugs.] [WE'VE GOT FLASHBACK SIGN! AAAAAA!] [450 years ago at an undisclosed location. EZEKIEL SCHIMMEL and CLEO MALLOY sit at a pond by the moonlight.] EZEKIEL: Cleo, I have a question to ask you. CLEO: [smiling] Yes? EZEKIEL: Cleo, would you marREARGH! [EZEKIEL falls into the pond.] [The flashback melts into a montage of 450 years of Schimmels, due to freak accidents (one of which involved yak butter and a gallon of newspaper ink), attempting and failing to marry Malloys. The montage lasts as SCOTT narrates.] SCOTT: That was the beginning of the Schimmel/Malloy curse. Whenever a Schimmel tried to marry a Malloy, someone or something would always interfere. We Schimmels don't know what caused it, but I'm going to put an end to it. [End montage.] KATE: You mean you're going to- SCOTT: That's right! I'll keep marrying you until I get it right, doggonit! KATE: Wait a minute! What if I don't want to get married? SCOTT: Hey! We were this --><-- close to getting married a few days ago! You didn't have any objections until the very end, right? KATE: Um... SCOTT: Well, at any rate, I'm going to marry you, and that's all there is to it. KATE: [gets an idea] But you can't! SCOTT: Why not? KATE: It's bad luck to see the bride in her wedding gown before the wedding! [The mechanical squirrel skids to a halt.] SCOTT: Well, poopie. [notices something out of the corner of his eye] What luck! A bridal botique! KATE: ...huh? [SCOTT dismounts, carrying KATE.] KATE: [blushing slightly] I CAN walk, y'know. SCOTT: Oh, no you don't. You might try to escape. KATE: Darn. SCOTT: Hey, look at that lovely gown! [An OLD LADY comes from out of nowhere.] OLD LADY: You do not want that gown! [SCOTT and KATE are startled.] SCOTT: Don't do that! KATE: What's wrong with that gown? OLD LADY: That's the Doom Gown. It causes great problems for the wearer. SCOTT & KATE: Great problems? [OLD LADY nods sagely.] OLD LADY: It pinches the hips. [SCOTT and KATE facefault.] SCOTT: [gets up] Here's a blank check. I'll take it. I'm in a hurry. Bye! [SCOTT grabs the Doom Gown and KATE, boards the mechanical squirrel and darts off.] OLD LADY: Fine. Fine. But don't come crying to me about your pinched hips. */ \* [JON and W4 are trailing behind in the Grey Volvo. JON is still shirtless with a cat on his head.] W4: Jon, your cat... JON: Yes? W4: Its head is rotating 360 degrees, and it's making sounds as if somone has its tail in a vise. JON: Now that's odd. He only does that when mechanical squirrels are in the area. It takes all types to make a world, huh, Woof? W4: ...I ...guess. JON: Say, mind if I ask a question? W4: Not including that one? JON: Did you want that one to count? W4: Do you truly care about my opinion on this matter? JON: Would I ask if I didn't care? W4: Were you just trying to be polite? JON: Who's on third? W4: No. Who's on first. JON: STATEMENT! Jon shoots! Jon scores! And the crowd goes wild! CAT: Meow. *hiss* W4: Darn. So what was your question? JON: Why are you trying to prevent Scott Schimmel from marrying Kate? [W4 lets out a deep, remorseful sigh.] W4: It's because... JON: Yes? W4: [sighs again] It's because... [long pause] I... I... I... JON: Yes? W4: [pained cry] I don't have a tuxedo! [JON slams on the brakes.] JON: YOU WHAT? W4: It's true! I don't have a tuxedo to wear to the wedding! JON: [glares at W4] You uncultured brute. W4: [sighs] I know. I know. So, yeah. We need to stop the wedding. JON: [sighs] Okay. But as soon as that's done, we're getting you a tuxedo. W4: Fair enough. Maybe MMK could reccomend a good place. I really dig his red tux. JON: For some reason, I thought that paisley would be more your color. W4: You think? JON: Only when necessary. [JON slams on the accelerator, and the grey Volvo roars off.] */ \* MADS: Thanks for installing that replacement spine for me! How can I ever thank you? DOCTOR: CHICKENS! */ \* There. This Indie Madnesse Wacky Fight now has background to it. >8D ********************** This message was posted by Kichigaisakka W4 , posted on May 24, 2000 at 20:01:42 coming from marconiis.com This message is a reply to Oro? But we hardly know each other! posted from Jonatan, legend with a cat posted at May 24, 2000 at 15:31:25 [SCOTT makes his getaway on a giant mechanized squirrel. KATE is dressed in a wedding dress.] KATE: You do realize that I could just transform to my lancer form and skewer you, right? SCOTT: Yes, you can. But you wouldn't do that. KATE: Oh? Why not? SCOTT: Because the unification of the Schimmel clan and the Malloy clan was meant to be. It is the conclusion of a 450-year legacy! KATE: [confused] Come again? SCOTT: Allow me to explain. KATE: This will require a flashback, won't it? SCOTT: Well, since I need to describe a 450-year-old event, I have little choice in the matter. [KATE shrugs.] [WE'VE GOT FLASHBACK SIGN! AAAAAA!] [450 years ago at an undisclosed location. EZEKIEL SCHIMMEL and CLEO MALLOY sit at a pond by the moonlight.] EZEKIEL: Cleo, I have a question to ask you. CLEO: [smiling] Yes? EZEKIEL: Cleo, would you marREARGH! [EZEKIEL falls into the pond.] [The flashback melts into a montage of 450 years of Schimmels, due to freak accidents (one of which involved yak butter and a gallon of newspaper ink), attempting and failing to marry Malloys. The montage lasts as SCOTT narrates.] SCOTT: That was the beginning of the Schimmel/Malloy curse. Whenever a Schimmel tried to marry a Malloy, someone or something would always interfere. We Schimmels don't know what caused it, but I'm going to put an end to it. [End montage.] KATE: You mean you're going to- SCOTT: That's right! I'll keep marrying you until I get it right, doggonit! KATE: Wait a minute! What if I don't want to get married? SCOTT: Hey! We were this --><-- close to getting married a few days ago! You didn't have any objections until the very end, right? KATE: Um... SCOTT: Well, at any rate, I'm going to marry you, and that's all there is to it. KATE: [gets an idea] But you can't! SCOTT: Why not? KATE: It's bad luck to see the bride in her wedding gown before the wedding! [The mechanical squirrel skids to a halt.] SCOTT: Well, poopie. [notices something out of the corner of his eye] What luck! A bridal botique! KATE: ...huh? [SCOTT dismounts, carrying KATE.] KATE: [blushing slightly] I CAN walk, y'know. SCOTT: Oh, no you don't. You might try to escape. KATE: Darn. SCOTT: Hey, look at that lovely gown! [An OLD LADY comes from out of nowhere.] OLD LADY: You do not want that gown! [SCOTT and KATE are startled.] SCOTT: Don't do that! KATE: What's wrong with that gown? OLD LADY: That's the Doom Gown. It causes great problems for the wearer. SCOTT & KATE: Great problems? [OLD LADY nods sagely.] OLD LADY: It pinches the hips. [SCOTT and KATE facefault.] SCOTT: [gets up] Here's a blank check. I'll take it. I'm in a hurry. Bye! [SCOTT grabs the Doom Gown and KATE, boards the mechanical squirrel and darts off.] OLD LADY: Fine. Fine. But don't come crying to me about your pinched hips. */ \* [JON and W4 are trailing behind in the Grey Volvo. JON is still shirtless with a cat on his head.] W4: Jon, your cat... JON: Yes? W4: Its head is rotating 360 degrees, and it's making sounds as if somone has its tail in a vise. JON: Now that's odd. He only does that when mechanical squirrels are in the area. It takes all types to make a world, huh, Woof? W4: ...I ...guess. JON: Say, mind if I ask a question? W4: Not including that one? JON: Did you want that one to count? W4: Do you truly care about my opinion on this matter? JON: Would I ask if I didn't care? W4: Were you just trying to be polite? JON: Who's on third? W4: No. Who's on first. JON: STATEMENT! Jon shoots! Jon scores! And the crowd goes wild! CAT: Meow. *hiss* W4: Darn. So what was your question? JON: Why are you trying to prevent Scott Schimmel from marrying Kate? [W4 lets out a deep, remorseful sigh.] W4: It's because... JON: Yes? W4: [sighs again] It's because... [long pause] I... I... I... JON: Yes? W4: [pained cry] I don't have a tuxedo! [JON slams on the brakes.] JON: YOU WHAT? W4: It's true! I don't have a tuxedo to wear to the wedding! JON: [glares at W4] You uncultured brute. W4: [sighs] I know. I know. So, yeah. We need to stop the wedding. JON: [sighs] Okay. But as soon as that's done, we're getting you a tuxedo. W4: Fair enough. Maybe MMK could reccomend a good place. I really dig his red tux. JON: For some reason, I thought that paisley would be more your color. W4: You think? JON: Only when necessary. [JON slams on the accelerator, and the grey Volvo roars off.] */ \* MADS: Thanks for installing that replacement spine for me! How can I ever thank you? DOCTOR: CHICKENS! */ \* There. This Indie Madnesse Wacky Fight now has background to it. >8D ************************ This message was posted by Kate Malloy , posted on May 26, 2000 at 09:02:39 coming from No domain available Mood of this message: This message is a reply to And now... MORE IMWF1 DEVIATIONS! posted from W4 The Deviant Author posted at May 25, 2000 at 19:22:46 [The giant mechanical squirrel is parked outside a shoppng mall.] SCOTT: All right, I need to go rent a tuxedo. I'll be back in just a few minutes. Don't go anywhere! KATE: Oh, no, of course I'm not going anywhere. SCOTT: Good. Because if you try anything funny...I have the stun beam on the MechaSquirrel pointed right at you. KATE (sweatdropping): I...see. Listen, are you sure you're really Scott Schimmel and not some warped doppleganger? Because you've been acting very odd this whole time. SCOTT: I assure you that I *am* Scott Schimmel. KATE (nodding): Okay. Well, you go do your thing, and I'll be right here. (muttering) Dangit, W4, where are you? SCOTT: What was that? Why are you asking about W4? KATE: Because I...I... SCOTT: Hmmm? KATE: Well, I...I... SCOTT: Yes? KATE: I...owe him some money! It wouldn't be good to begin my married life in debt! SCOTT: It wouldn't be that different from most people. KATE (sighing): Okay. Go on. SCOTT: And please don't try to escape. (He walks off towards the shopping mall, leaving Kate under the watchful eye of the MechaSquirrel.) KATE: Oh, I'm not going to *try* to escape... (She pulls something out of her sleeve and holds it up. It's a Triple Triad card.) KATE: Bahamut! Go! (Bahamut swoops down and incinerates the MechaSquirrel, then flies off.) KATE: ...I *am* going to escape. Julia Roberts, eat your heart out. (She starts to run off, which isn't very easy to do in a wedding dress and high heels.) ***** Meanwhile... W4: Jonatan, did you just hear a loud explosion? Oh, and your cat seems to be okay now. JONATAN (shrugging): Hey, look, a shopping mall! We can get you a tuxedo here! Unless, of course, there was *another* reason why you wanted to stop the wedding. W4 (nervously): Oh, no, not at all... (Jonatan parks the Volvo and the two head towards the mall.) ***** IS THIS THE RIGHT SCOTT SCHIMMEL? WILL SCOTT, W4, AND JONATAN MEET UP IN THE FORMALWEAR STORE? WILL KATE ESCAPE? Dunno. That's up to somebody else whose name is most likely Scott. ^_~ Kate **************************** This message was posted by Scott Schimmel , posted on May 26, 2000 at 13:00:56 coming from voicenet.com This message is a reply to Taking matters into my own hands... posted from Kate Malloy posted at May 26, 2000 at 09:02:39 [A formalwear store.] Scott: (wearing a tuxedo -- a bright red one) Hm. No, I don't think so. Don't you have ANYTHING in black or white? Clerk: Er... well, you see, it's just that, with every school in the state having their proms tonight, against all odds or rationality... Scott: (sighs) But this is for a WEDDING, man! There must be SOMETHING! Clerk: Well... Scott: Yes? Clerk: (producing a black tux) There is this one, but-- Scott: (stuffs a wad of bills into the clerk's hand) I'llTakeItGottaGoBye! Clerk: --it's cursed, and... oh. My. What an impatient fellow. [The clerk is suddenly grabbed and wrenched bodily around.] Jonatan: My friend needs a tuxedo! Now! Clerk: Urk. Jonatan: Dammit, man! It's a matter of life and death! W4: ...It is? Jonatan: Yes! If you don't get that tuxedo, you'll miss the wedding and die of embarrassment! W4: (sweatdroppling) Err. I don't really think I'd literally-- Jonatan: (back to talking to the clerk) So what have you got? Clerk: Well, there's this lovely red-- Jonatan: Black or white. Please. Can't you see you're insulting my fashion sense? Clerk: (eyes Jonatan's... interesting... outfit) Er, quite. But you see... W4: (looking around the shop) You don't seem to have any. Clerk: Well, no. We've even rented the Gloomy Tuxedo, with the Dolorous Cumberbund and the Angstful Bow Tie, and only a complete idiot would-- Jonatan: That must be Scott! How long ago was it? Clerk: Well, right before you came in, and-- Jonatan: Which way did he go? Clerk: Um... out? Jonatan: Great, thanks! [Jonatan drags W4 out of the shop in a puff of smoke. A moment later, he drags W4 back into the shop.] W4: @_@ Pretty colors... Jonatan: (grabbing a tux at random) And we'll take this one. Clerk: Ah. The paisley. Excellent choice. That will be-- [Jonatan (with W4 in tow) vanishes again in a puff of smoke and dollar bills.] Clerk: ...I hate this job. [A hand taps the clerk on the shoulder. The clerk snaps under the stress.] Clerk: WHAT?! Scott?: Um... I'm looking for a tuxedo? * [Back outside, Scott (or is he?) stands near the wreckage of a giant mechanical squirrel.] Scott: Pookie! Nooooooo! (clenches his fist) I'll get revenge for you, I swear! Woofer is going DOWN! (pause) Right after my wedding! [There is a flash of lightning and a crash of thunder.] Scott: (crispy) And... right after... I take a nap. (thud) * [Outside elsewhere. Scott (possibly) is carrying a plaid tuxedo. With matching shoes.] Scott?: Hmm. Maybe there's a better way to break the curse... of course! I don't have to be Kate's husband! I just have to marry her! So if I act as the priest, I can marry her to Jonatan, break the curse, AND win Woofer's bet! (bounces) I'm a genius! * [Still elsewhere.] Shiryo: ...You paid HOW much for this? Uzume: But, niichan! The Dark Wedding Chapel of Happiness and Fear is SURE to help us conquer the world! Shiryo: ... Uzume: And the golden statues really didn't cost much, considering. I got a bulk discount! Shiryo: ... Uzume: What? You don't like the fragment of the True Cross? Shiryo: ... Uzume: Oh, the Necrotelicomnicon? It's not even a first edition! Just second! Shiryo: ... Uzume: Those gemstones? They... (pause) Well, yeah, those were expensive. Shiryo: Actually, it's not any of those. Uzume: ...? Shiryo: I'm wondering why you chose velvet Elvis paintings rather than stained glass for the windows. Uzume: 'Cause it's EVIL, silly! * [Saint Elsewhere.] Doctor: Hurry, or we're going to lose him! * [Oops, sorry. Elsewhere, yet again. Kate suddenly stops walking and shudders.] Kate: All of a sudden, I don't feel so well... * IS KATE PSYCHIC? IS SCOTT SCOTT, OR SCOTT? IS W4 SCOTT? IS SCOTT W4? WHAT EVIL PLAN IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL THE HIGH SCHOOL PROMS HAPPENING ON THE SAME NIGHT? WHAT HAPPENED TO JONATAN'S SHIRT? IS SHIRYO BANKRUPT YET? WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH VELVET ELVISES, ANYWAY? Damned if I know. Stay tuned. ************************* This message was posted by Kichigaisakka W4 , posted on May 26, 2000 at 14:35:57 coming from marconiis.com This message is a reply to That... is a secret! posted from Scott Schimmel posted at May 26, 2000 at 13:00:56 [SCOTT(2) rushes away from the shopping mall with his plaid tuxedo when he comes across SCOTT(1), unconscious and with a black tuxedo.] SCOTT(2): Hey! That's me! And I have a black tuxedo! ...and I'm unconscious... and I smell like chicken. [SCOTT(2) swaps tuxedos so he now has the black (and cursed) one.] SCOTT(2): I'm sure I won't mind if I borrow this from myself. I'll return it to me when I'm done after all. Now, to find Kate... */ \* [KATE shudders once more.] KATE: I feel... like I'm being watched? VOICE: And just what do you think you're doing? KATE: Who goes there? [A man dressed in generic superhero garb and a punchbowl for a hat leaps in front of KATE.] MAN: I am... CAPTAIN PROM! KATE: WHAT? C.PROM: Yes! With my ability to create proms at will, I shall rule this city! Go to a prom or face my wrath! KATE: But I'm not a hi- C.PROM: GOSH DARN IT, JUST DO IT! KATE: No, and don't give orders! C.PROM: But you mu- KATE: GOSH DARN IT, JUST DON'T! C.PROM: [gulps] Well, okay. But when next we meet, you'll go to a prom or else! [C.PROM whistles. A mechanized squirrel drives up. C.PROM boards it and rides off.] KATE: This is getting curiouser and curiouser. */ \* [JON and W4 (who is now wearing a paisley tuxedo) stand over the unconscious SCOTT(1).] W4: So Schimmel is unconscious, and he smells like he's been baked. And what look like the remains of a mechanized squirrel are scattered all over. This is something you don't see everyday. JON: I do. ^_^ W4: I'm sure you do, Jon. But the one thing that neither of us sees right now is Kate. JON: That can only mean one thing. [W4 looks at JON, expecting an answer.] JON: She turned herself into a mechanized squirrel and self-destructed! [W4 and the cat facefault.] JON: Either that, or she punked the mechanized squirrel herself and escape. W4: [picks himself up] That makes far more sense. That means that she could be anywhere. But it should be fairly easy to spot a lady running around... in a wedding dress... and high heels... and... [W4 begins to blush ever-so-slightly. JON pulls out a fire extinguisher and liberally sprays W4 with it.] W4: Ack! Ptooie! Yuck! What was that for? JON: I thought you were going to spontaneously combust! W4: ¬_¬ JON: Well, it worked, didn't it? W4: ¬_¬ JON: Ingrate. [tosses the fire extinguisher aside and throws a towel at W4] Wipe that foam off before you get back in the Volvo. We're going to scour the town! W4: [cleaning himself] I just thought of something. JON: Yeah? W4: You seemed pretty intent on getting me a tuxedo for the wedding. JON: Yes. And? W4: And yet, you're going to try and take me there when you're shirtless and wearing a bandana and a cat. JON: Yes. And? W4: Well, I just have to ask. JON: Ask what? W4: What's the cat's name? [JON glares darkly at W4.] JON: Never. Ask. Me. That. Again. W4: Fair enough. Shall we be off? JON: Let's do it! [JON, W4 and the cat ride off in the grey Volvo.] */ \* [Cut back to KATE, who has managed to find another conveniently placed-and-open clothing store manned by a female CLERK.] KATE: I'd like to buy this shirt, this sweater, and this pair of slacks. CLERK: Okay, that will be- MY GOD! Don't tell me that that is the Doom Gown? KATE: [gulps] It's the Doom Gown. CLERK: I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ME THAT! Do you have any idea of the danger that you're in? KATE: Yes! And these things are really pinching my hips! CLERK: Your hips should be the least of your concerns, childe! KATE: ?_? CLERK: Allow me to explain... KATE: Is this going to be another flashback? Those tend to make me dizzy. CLERK: No. This is an exposition. If this were a cartoon, there'd be a background montage. KATE: Okay. I think I can handle that. CLERK: Okay. Many decades ago, there was a tailor by the name of Link Van Ceil. He was an evil tailor. He created items of clothing that caused great problems for the wearer. His works include the Doom Tux, the Doom Gown, the Gloomy Tuxedo, the Dolorous Cumberbund, the Angstful Bow Tie, the Malicious Sneakers and the Boy-Is-That-Ever-Going-To-Leave-A-Mark Jockstrap. KATE: My word! How many of these articles of clothing did he create? CLERK: The records regarding Link Van Ceil's life indicate that he created roughly... a hell of a lot of them. KATE: Oh. CLERK: If the victim is lucky, the cursed clothing will just pinch and chafe. However, in more severe cases... KATE: Please tell me that it just REALLY pinches and chapes. CLERK: If only that were so. In more severe cases, the cursed clothing completely warps a person, giving them a demonic mindset and powers. [KATE grrrs.] KATE: Oh, when I get my hands on... no time for that now. How can I break the curse? CLERK: I don't know. KATE: WHAT?!? CLERK: [shouting] I SAID, "I DON'T KNOW!" KATE: [sighs] That's what I thought you said. And I guess that just trying to take it off before breaking the curse would be... CLERK: ...not fanservicey enough, yes. KATE: Come again? CLERK: Woops. Broke the fourth wall there. What I meant to say was "...quite impossible." For the time being, you'd best stay away from anyone wearing any other pieces of clothing from Link Van Ceil. There's no telling what would happen. KATE: Gotcha. [gets an idea] Hey! Treisel at "Indie Madnesse" studios is a magician! Maybe he could help me break the curse! CLERK: It's worth a shot! Godspeed to you! KATE: Thanks! [runs out of the store] CLERK: [realizes] She didn't make her purchase. Darn. */ \* [Meanwhile, at ImproFanfic ... KRISTEN, in her TEAM K outfit, wonders out loud...] KRISTEN: Now where did Kate run off to? She's late for the Team K meeting! And I want to show off my Skirt of Unpleasant [THRUST]! */ \* WHY ARE THERE TWO SCOTT SCHIMMELS? WILL THE FIRST ONE GET KATE MARRIED TO JONATAN? WILL THE SECOND ONE WAKE UP AND GET (MISPLACED) VENGEANCE ON W4? WILL JON AND W4 FIND KATE? WHAT IS JON'S CAT NAMED? WHAT IS CAPTAIN PROM PLANNING? WILL KATE FIND A WAY TO BREAK LINK VAN CEIL'S CURSE? WILL CONTACT WITH ANOTHER WEARER OF LINK VAN CEIL'S CREATIONS LEAD TO POINTY, GLOWING DOOM? Dunno. It's not my turn to say. ^_^ Scott? Kate? Jon? Kristen? Anybody? Batter up, people. 8) */ \* Uzume: I just KNOW something will happen soon! Shiryo: ... [Enter KING and the Interrupting Cow (ICOW).] KING: We'd like to get mar- ICOW: Moo. KING: What she sa- ICOW: Moo. UZUME: [blissfull] What a cute couple! [SHIRYO hangs his head in utter frustration.] *************************** This message was posted by Kate Malloy , posted on May 26, 2000 at 22:43:28 coming from home.com Mood of this message: This message is a reply to Damsels in this dress! posted from Kichigaisakka W4 posted at May 26, 2000 at 14:35:57 (After much travail, Kate finally manages to make it to the Indie Madnesse Studios, and to the THaB set. She spots Treisel having lunch outside.) Kate: Umm...excuse me... Treisel (blinking): Tao? Why are you wearing a wedding dress? (realizes that she's not Tao) Oh, I'm sorry. You just look like somebody I know. Kate: It's okay. I get that a lot. But you *are* Treisel, right? Treisel: Yes, I am. Kate: Wonderful! I really need your help! You see, this (indicates what she's wearing) is the Doom Gown of Link Van Ceil. (Treisel gasps.) Treisel: NO! Anything but- Kate (interrupting): Look, I've heard that already. Anyhow, you're a mage, and I was wondering if you could help me break the curse on this dress so I can get rid of it. Please? Treisel: Oh, sure. That won't be much of a problem at all. Except...Hey, Waj! (Waj suddenly appears.) Waj: Heya Trei, Tao. (blinks) Tao? Why are you wearing a wedding gown? Kate (sighing): I'm *not* Tao. I'm Kate. We just look alike, that's all. Waj: Oh, okay. Treisel: I'm going to help Kate break the curse on this dress. It's going to require some rather delicate spellcasting. Could you do me a favor and keep Tao away for a while? I don't want her aura to interfere. Waj: Sure thing, Trei! Treisel: All, right, if you'll follow me... (Treisel and Kate walk into one of the prop rooms.) ***** (Meanwhile, Scott(1) slowly comes to...) Scott(1): Urgh...Pookie...What's this? A plaid tuxedo? (He jumps up in indignation.) Scott(1): Who has taken my tuxedo? Those *fiends*! I'm sure that Woofer was behind this! He has stolen my bride, destroyed my beloved Pookie, and now, run off with my tuxedo! I shall have my [revenge]! (And he runs off...somewhere.) ***** (And elsewhere, in the Volvo...) W4 (now claid in the paisley tuxedo): Jon, do you have any idea where this wedding is going to be? Jonatan: Nope. But we could try over there. (points out the window to the Dark Wedding Chapel of Happiness and Fear) W4: Ah, okay. (W4, Jonatan, and the cat get out and walk into the chapel.) Uzume (performing Happy Bounce #44): Wai! More guests! (W4 and Jonatan are too stunned to respond right away.) W4: Gaaah...um, excuse me, but is this where the wedding of Scott Schimmel and Kate Malloy is going to take place? Uzume: Nope, sorry! Never heard of them. But you're just in time for this wedding... (King and the Interrupting Cow step out. King is clad in her usual purple tuxedo, while the Interrupting Cow is wearing a lovely bridal gown.) (W4 sweatdrops.) Jonatan: They make a nice couple, don't you think? W4: I think we'd better go look somewhere else. (grabs Jonatan and drags him away) Shiryo: Hmm...That guy left his cat behind. Cat: MEOW! ***** (Scott(2) is now wearing the cursed tuxedo, and all its accessories.) Scott(2): All right, so all I need to do now is find Kate, find Jonatan, and- Voice: Halt! (Captain Prom steps out dramatically.) Scott(2): And you are? C.Prom: I am Captain Prom! I see that you are dressed for the occasion. Scott(2): What occasion? (C.Prom facefaults.) C.Prom (recovering): A prom, of course! Scott(2): Oh, no, this isn't for a prom. This is for a wedding. You see, I need to marry an old friend off to a crazy guy in order to win a bet and break an ancient family curse. C.Prom: ...come again? Scott(2) (sighing): Look, I really don't have time for this. Have you seen a girl in a wedding dress lately? C.Prom: Well, she went that way, and- Scott(2): Thanks! (He runs off.) C.Prom: But I didn't even have a chance to warn him about the Doom Gown or the Tuxedo of...oh, forget it. ***** (Meanwhile, back at the ranch...er, the IM studios) Tao: Hi, Waj! Have you seen Trei lately? Waj: Yeah. He's back there, helping a girl get her dress off. Tao: Oh, that's...HE'S *WHAT*?! (Tao shoves past Waj and enters to room where Trei and Kate have almost, *almost* finished breaking the curse. Kate is dressed in her Dragoon armor, except she's still got her veil and heels on.) Treisel: All right, we're almost done... Tao: Trei! What are you doing?! Treisel: Oh, Tao, no... (Tao's aura comes in contact with the magic, and suddenly everything goes dark.) Treisel: This is very not good. (Suddenly, evil laughter rings out. Treisel manages to get far enough away from Tao that he can cast a light spell.) Tao: Oh dear... (Kate is floating in the middle of the room. She's wearing very dark purple dragoon armor, and she has dragon wings now.) Kate: I should thank you for releasing my power. (Waj runs in.) Waj: Trei, Tao's...oh. I'm too late, aren't I? (looks at Kate) Hey, didn't we used to go out? Kate (blinking): I don't think so...Anyhow, it is time I had my [revenge]. Farewell. (Kate flies right out through the roof.) Tao: What did we just do? (Treisel pulls out a scroll and begins to frantically search through it.) Treisel: Well, it seems that instead of diffusing the curse, we activated it and fused it to her armor. Now the only way it can be broken is if she...I'm having trouble reading this part. The scroll's all smudged. It says something about a kiss? I can't tell. ***** WHAT EXACTLY DO KATE'S NEW DEMONIC POWERS DO? WILL SCOTT HAVE HIS REVENGE ON W4? WILL JONATAN REALLY MARRY KATE? WILL KATE HAVE TO KISS SOMEBODY? WHAT ARE THE CONSEQUENCES OF LEAVING THE CAT BEHIND? WILL KING AND THE INTERRUPTING COW REALLY TIE THE KNOT? Dunno, but it'll be fun finding out! ^_^ *************************** This message was posted by Jonatan , posted on May 27, 2000 at 17:23:08 coming from telia.com This message is a reply to And it just keeps getting more and more warped... posted from Kate Malloy posted at May 26, 2000 at 22:43:28 [Opening to the grey Volvo, speeding through the countryside. W4 is narrarating. Or is that narrating? Not sure.] W4: Day four. Still no sign of the Schimmel. But we'll scour the countryside, turn every pebble, search every outhouse, henhouse, doghouse. [pause] W4: At least I have the tux for it. Jonatan: Ain't that the truth. W4: Where are we, anyway? I don't recognize this place. Jonatan: I have no idea. I'm just here to drive the car and criticise your taste. W4: Let's check the map. [W4 opens the glove compartment... and is liberally buried in maps, tickets, pencils, candy and at least one shrunken pygmy head.] W4: Erk. Jonatan: Now I remember why I never open that. W4: How the heck did you get it all in, anyway? [notices a box labeled 'GwG'] Hello... what do we have here? Jonatan: Hmm? W4: [Opens the box and goes wide-eyed] My god! It's the plot of Girls with Guns! So that's where you've been keeping it! Hey, what's this button do? Jonatan: No, don't-- [W4 presses the button. The box vanishes] Aw, great. You just rebooted the plot of GwG. W4: Should we really discuss other fics here? Jonatan: Watch the fourth wall. [pats his head] What they hey? W4: What is it? Jonatan: My cat! She's gone! [steps on the brakes] She never goes far. [searches the seats, under the seats, the trunk, the roof, his pants, W4--] W4: Hey! I don't have your cat! Jonatan: [biting his lip] Bake-Neko-chan... where are you? */\* [Meanwhile... inside the church...] Shiryo: Do you, Interrupting Cow, take th-- ICOW: MOO! Shiryo: And do you, King-- ICOW: MOO! MOO MOO! [Outside the church] Cat: Meow. Meeeeeeeeeeow. [The cat suddenly poofs into a cloud of smoke andturns into a black-haired girl.] Girl: Now where the heck did that idiot go? I can't believe he forgot me here. Well, that's enough narrative you get out of me. [turns back into a cat] Meow. [She vanishes in a blue flash. A brief second later, a nearby mecha (what, there was no mecha outside the church? Well, there is one now!) comes to life and walks off. Mecha: Meow! *hiss* */\* I thought I had had my share of weird cases. Well, this proved me different. */\* Scarlett Marquee: Let me get this straight, boys. You want me to track down this Kate woman... and find your cat? W4: Please, Scarlett, you're our only hope! Scarlett: Wrong sci-fi continuity. Jonatan: It's a matter of life and death! W4: That's right! Jonatan: And I suppose finding Kate is kinda important too. [cue facevaults!] Scarlett: And how could you compensate me for this? I know you two have no money. Jonatan: I might sign up for your fic... Scarlett: You have a deal. */\* NOW WHAT? DID I JUST DERAIL THE PLOT? DO WE HAVE ONE I COULD DERAIL? DO I WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD WATCH "GEOBREEDERS" SO THEY'D KNOW WHAT A BAKE-NEKO IS? OR CAN WE JUST WING IT? YEAH, WE PROBABLY CAN. OR PEOPLE JUST IGNORE IT. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO THE GWG PLOT? WILL KING AND ICOW LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER? WHY WEREN'T SCOTT OR KATE IN THIS PART? WHY WASN'T WOOFER AROUND AT THE START OF DO-GOODERS? HOW MANY WEASELS CAN YOU FIT IN A COKE BOTTLE? AND WILL SCARLETT BE UP FOR THE DEAL? I dunno, but what the hey. ^_^ Watch Geobreeders! **************************** This message was posted by MtWS , posted on May 28, 2000 at 20:04:02 coming from No domain available Mood of this message: This message is a reply to The cat came back... posted from Jonatan posted at May 27, 2000 at 17:23:08 [Open on the head office of Indie Madnesse, which looks suspiciously like the bedroom of someone who still hasn't finished unpacking for the summer, where MTWS is talking on the phone.] MTWS: What? Triesel? You say the Doom Gown has reacted catastrophically with Kate's dragoon armor, tranforming her into a demonic beast bent on revenge? [pause] MTWS: Did she happen to say revenge for what or on whom? Hmm. This looks like a job for... ===================================== Scarlett Marquee Original concept by Alex "Eslington" Powell, 1999 Random Omake: Kate Malloy and the Haberdashery of Doom by Mervyn the Wonder Slug ===================================== MTWS: Oh. Well, yeah, she'd be good, too. SCARLETT: Can't talk now, I'm trailing a cat for Woofer and an oddly-dressed Swede. [Pauses on her way out the door] Oh, by the way...how may weasels *can* you fit in a Coke bottle? MTWS: Well, my personal record is twelve, but what has that got to do with--oh blast, she's gone. Anyway, this looks like a job for The Author Tracking Device! [MTWS checks a screen. It is not just an ordinary television, really.] MTWS: Hmm, she seems to be heading for Milan... I wonder why? * * * [Milan, the International Museum of Bad Clothing. We see two men, GIACOMO and UNCLE LUCCA.] UNCLE LUCCA: Giacomo, my nephew, I have guarded the International Museum of Bad Clothing for fifty years. Now I am old, and the burden must fall to the younger generation. GIACOMO: But who'd want to steal any of this crap? UNCLE LUCCA: [smacks Giacomo] If I tole you once, I tole you a t'ousand times. Look, over there. That is the Nauseous Sweatband of Link van Ceil. And over there are the Spats of Dispair. Now, Sig. Brainy-Trousers, supposing some evil clothing demon were to get hold of them. Boom, we got trouble. Giacomo, my son-- GIACOMO: I'm not your son. UNCLE LUCCA: Shuddup, I'm being rhetorical. Aw, hell, I forgot what I was gonna say. You get like that at my age, the brain starts to fritz...anyway, g'night. [UNCLE LUCCA leaves and GIACOMO promptly falls asleep, leaving the International Museum of Bad Clothing completely unguarded.] * * * [Back on the ranch...] W4: [bursting in, with Jonatan] Boss, we've got problems! MTWS: Several of them related to fashion, I see [rim shot]. Er, what's the weather like in Sweden this time of year? JONATAN: Why do you ask? MTWS: Oh, no reason... Anyway, what is it? W4: Well, it all started when... * * * MTWS: Yes? W4: That's it. MTWS: You're telling me "* * *" happened? [RECYCLED DO-GOODERS JOKE COUNT: 3] W4: No, I think the implication was that we changed scenes to avoid going over all the tedious details the readers already know and still get all of us up to speed. JONATAN: Remember, fourth wall. FOURTHY: CAN I GET NO RESPECT!? MTWS: Anyway, according to this copy of Evil Tailoring for Dummies, if Kate can get enough of the cursed thingies of Link van Ceil, um, "great woe will befall." W4: Holy mother of wombats! Scott already has the Gloomy Tuxedo, Dolorous Cummerbund, and Angstful Bow Tie! We've got to keep him away from Kate, or...what was it again? MTWS: "Great woe will befall." JONATAN: And they'll look ridiculous over that dress, too. [MTWS and W4 facefault.] JONATAN: You can check for dust bunnies later, the Volvo is double parked. * * * SHIRYO: ...I now pronounce you man and...woman and...cow a-- ICOW: MOO! SHIRYO: Look, I can't go through with-- ICOW: MOO! MOO! SHIRYO: And I hope you're very happy together, but you're a-- ICOW: MOO! SHIRYO: I'm fairly sure there's a law against-- ICOW: MOO! [sarcastically] MOO? SHIRYO: As a matter of fact I am a law-- ICOW: MOO?! MOO! [The INTERRUPTING COW and KING flee in terror.] SHIRYO: [sulking] Now that was just hurtful. [suddenly Scott (formerly of the paisley, now of the Gloomy, Tuxedo (henceforth SCOTT2)) runs in.] SCOTT2: Did you say you were a lawyer? SHIRYO: Dark litigator, actually. SCOTT2: Can you notarize me? I have to break a curse by marrying Kate to Jonatan before I find out I swapped clothes with me and come after myself! SHIRYO: ... SCOTT2: Is that a yes or a no? SHIRYO: [shaking his head rapidly] Er, whatever... but I'm afraid the ceremony will only be valid if it's performed in a Dark Kingdom. SCOTT2: Better than nothing. I'll take it. [runs away] SHIRYO: Wait! You can't perform a marriage cerimony wearing the Gloomy Tuxedo! It's bad mojo! The cake will be stale! There'll be an accordion band at the reception! ...oh, bugger. * * * [Elsewhere, SCOTT1 awakens and discovers the theft of his tuxedo.] SCOTT1: Well this is just spiffy. But I shall perservere! Not even the evils of paisley shall prevent me from avenging Pookie and breaking the Schimmel/Malloy curse! [He jumps as CAPTAIN PROM unexpectedly lays a hand on his shoulder] C. PROM: What ho, good citizen! You are not at the prom! Allow me to escort you. SCOTT1: But... C. PROM: But me no buts, young man, this shall be a Memorable Event in your young life, and you shall not miss it! SCOTT1: [inspiration striking] But I've lost my date! C. PROM: Never fear, good citizen, Captain Prom shall aid you. Now...is she larger than a bread box? * * * IS SHE LARGER THAN A BREAD BOX? WILL GREAT HARM BEFALL? WHAT EXACTLY WILL HAPPEN IF KATE COLLECTS THE CLOTHES OF LINK VAN CEIL, AND WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH REVENGE? REVENGE ON WHOM? FOR WHAT? WITH WHAT? TO WHICH, FORTHWITH, FORSOOTH AND BETWIXT WHICH WITHER YON FARDELS OF PIPING-HOT STRUDEL? Oh dear, the Question Generator is malfuctioning again. Anyway, WRITE! ********************* This message was posted by W4 the Damned Author , posted on May 30, 2000 at 02:31:21 coming from home.com This message is a reply to Re: Kate Malloy and the Haberdashery of Doom posted from MtWS posted at May 28, 2000 at 20:04:02 [In Milan...] KATE: Ah... I can [FEEL] Link Van Ceil's cursed clothes throb with [EVIL] material here. [KATE extends a hand.] KATE: Come to me, o' garments of [DESTRUCTION!] [Half of the clothing from the International Museum of Bad Clothing flies out and drapes itself on KATE. There is a great rumbling. It looks as if the clothing is trying to engulf KATE.] [After several minutes, a fifty-foot-tall coat rack (RACK) with balls of yarn for eyes bursts out of the clothing coocoon. KATE, in her purple Dragoon armor, is perched on its shoulder.] RACK: At last, the Rack... HAS COME BACK TO EARTH! */ \* [On the other side of the fourth wall, the author bypasses putting $1 in a pun cup and proceeds to bludgeon himself with a tire iron.] */ \* KATE: Yes! And when we're through, [NO ONE] on Earth will wear decent clothing [EVER AGAIN!] RACK: If you smellellellellellellellellel... what the Rack... IS WEARING! */ \* Sorry this is short; I'm tired. Z_Z *********************** This message was posted by Kate Malloy , posted on June 03, 2000 at 15:04:26 coming from home.com Mood of this message: This message is a reply to The Call Is Coming From Inside Your Clothes! posted from W4 the Damned Author posted at May 30, 2000 at 02:31:21 (In Milan...) KATE: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Nothing shall stop me now! RACK: That's right! It DOESN'T MATTER- KATE: Hold on a second! Look, I don't want to start my reign of terror by getting a lawsuit from the WWF. You're just going to have to find some other catchphrases to use. Sorry. RACK: Damn. Not even one more Rock pun? KATE (shaking head): Nope. RACK: Ah well... KATE: But don't worry! We shall spread fear and terror and horrible clothing across the entire world! No one shall be able to stop us! ***** (Meanwhile, in the Volvo...) W4: Hey, Jonatan, do you mind if I turn the radio on? JON: Sure, go ahead. RADIO ANNOUNCER: ...and this just in. What appears to be a 50-foot tall clothing rack has mysteriously appeared in downtown Milan. Anyone who comes into contact with it is suddenly...wearing bad clothing? What, is this some kind of a joke announcement? Come on, people! I've worked it this station for 20 years now! What are you trying to pull? ...oh? We're still on the air? Eheheh... (W4 turns off the radio.) W4: Blast. We're too late, apparently. JON: So does that mean she found Scott Schimmel? Or he found her? W4: No, because...he's right over there! Stop the car! (Jonatan stops the car. W4 jumps out.) W4: ...ouch. That probably wasn't the best move. But anyway...at last I've found you! SCOTT(2): Yes? W4: You're still wearing that cursed tuxedo. SCOTT(2): Yes, I...cursed? This thing is cursed? JON: Of course. They should've told you when you rented it. SCOTT(2): Hmm...maybe I should have let myself keep it, then. W4: Come again? SCOTT(2): Never mind. I'm glad I ran into you guys, though. Jonatan, I need a favor from you. I need to marry you to Kate. W4: WHAT?! JON: But I thought you were going to marry her. SCOTT(2): Well, I just need to get her married in order to break the curse. And if I can marry you two, I'll win the contest as well. W4: Look, let's worry about who's going to get married to who later. Kate's in Milan, and she's apparently activated the curse of Link van Ceil. Scott, you have to keep away from her. SCOTT(2): Why? Oh, the cursed tux. I see. But no, I insist. What kind of friend leaves somebody demonically posessed and rampaging through Milan without even trying to help? JON: And we have to find my cat. (Scott and W4 facefault.) JON: Tsk. Why do you always insist on doing that? ***** (And meanwhile, somewhere else...) SCOTT(1): Yes, I'd say she's bigger than a breadbox. C.PROM: Well, that narrows it down considerably. (Suddenly, Captain Prom's cell phone rings.) C.PROM: Mmm-hmm, yes...well, can't it wait? Oh? Ah, I see now. Right, I'll get on it. (He hangs up.) C.PROM: I'm afraid this will have to wait...I just got a call from my superiors. Apparently a girl in Dragoon armor and a 50-foot-tall rack of clothing are terrorizing Milan. SCOTT(1): That's *her*! C.PROM: Really? (pause) And you were going to go out with her? SCOTT(1): Please, you must take me to her! It's the only way to break our family curse! C.PROM: Well...all right. Let us be off then! (He summons his giant mechanical squirrel.) SCOTT(1) (sadly): Ah, Pookie...I miss you so. After all this is over, I *will* have my revenge on Woofer. I swear it! ***** (And back at the Volvo...) SCOTT(2): So that's your plan? JON: Yep, I think it's a pretty good one. W4: Well, there's no time to waste! To Milan! SCOTT(2): And how exactly are we getting there? JON: Ah. (pulls a small black box with a large red button on it from his pants pocket) Like this! (He points the box at the Volvo. Nothing happens.) JON: Oh, wait, that was the one to blow up Wyoming. Oh well. No loss there. Now, where did I put that? (He takes a small black box with a large green button on it from his other pocket. He points it at the Volvo. With a bright flash of light and a loud 'pop,' the Volvo suddenly sprouts wings.) JON: Like this! Hop in! (Scott(2) and W4 jump in, and Jonatan takes off.) ***** (And back at IM Studios...) TREISEL: ...so, after a lot of careful studying, Waj and I figured out how to break the curse. (He hands a piece of paper to Mervyn, who looks at it.) MERVYN: Interesting. And you say there's only one person who can do this? TREISEL: Yes. And that person's name begins with an S. MERVYN: First or last name? TREISEL: Well, um, we couldn't figure that out. MERVYN: Hmm...well, I'll see if I can get this over to Woofer. Thank you. ***** WHO IS THE ONE WHO CAN BREAK THE CURSE? IS ALL OF MILAN FOREVER DOOMED TO HORRIBLE CLOTHING? WHAT IS JONATAN'S PLAN? WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CAT AND THE MECHA? WILL KATE GET MARRIED TO ANYONE? Dunno. Somebody please tell me! ^_^