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                  TO HELL AND BACK

    Chapter 8 - The Trials and Tribulations of
                Travelling and Thaumaturgy

     Original Concept by Steven Scougall, 1999
           This part by Steven Scougall
   ---------------------------------------------


Treisel sat down on a conveniently placed rock and, not for the first 
time, wondered what on earth to do next.

The Land of Ying had been a total washout.  They'd come to get 
supplies, but instead he and Tao had been stranded on the Astral Plane 
by that nut Laistrin and he and Tao had only just managed to escape, 
and returned to their physical bodies in a desolate cave that was 
hopefully somewhere in Ying.  There was no sign of civilisation and 
its comforts as far as he could see, so a nice soft bed in an inn 
somewhere didn't look like it was an option.

In short, things sucked.

"This sucks," he said.

"Excuse me?" asked Tao.

"We're who knows where and have no idea of how to get back to the road 
to Hasbro, have no food, can't access the pocket dimension Zeke put 
the mail in, and..."  He checked his pockets, and sighed in expected 
resignation.  "Yes, as I thought, have almost no money."  He sighed.  
"Again."

"We're still alive, though.  Come on Trei, that's a good thing!"

"That depends on whether you think slowly starving to death is a good 
thing."

"Don't be silly.  You can use your magic!  You can conjure up some 
food or transport us to the nearest city or something!"

"Yes, and that'll take more magical reserves than I have.  About the 
most I could do at the moment is a simple Fire spell." 

Tao deflated from her Power Pose of Enthusiasm.  "Oh."

There was an uncomfortable pause as they walked along in a random 
direction, Trei kicking at rocks the whole way.

"Say, Trei, is this the right way?"

"Damned if I know."

"No, you're not damned for not knowing the right way," said a new 
voice.  "Well, if you don't know the correct way to be a nice person 
and you do nasty things, then you end up in Hell, so I suppose you 
*are* damned, but apart from that you're not damned for just being 
lost."

"Hi Waj," said Treisel, not even turning around.  Tao was more polite, 
and turned to make sure that yes, it was their rather clueless demon 
friend Wajissabequahze standing behind them.

"So you're back," continued Treisel.  "Where's that angel guy?"

"Ezekiel?  He had some business with that wizard and sent me on 
ahead."

"All cleared up now," said the angel Ezekiel, as he appeared from thin 
air in much the same way the demon Wajissabequahze had, dusting his 
hands off.  "Let us proceed on to Hasbro."

"In case you didn't notice," said Treisel sourly, "we still have few 
supplies and no transport other than walking.  At our current rate 
we'll take close to a year to get to Hasbro, if we ever get there at 
all.  That awful cart with the mismatched wheels and the donkey were 
better than this."

The two humans walked despondently on for a few more minutes, 
accompanied by their less-despondent supernatural friends.

"If I may make a suggestion?" asked Ezekiel.

"Go ahead, Zeke," said Treisel.  "Anything's got to be better than 
this."

"The nearest human settlement is Ang, a small village about ten miles 
away.  The terrain is harsh and difficult to traverse, and any native 
creatures we encounter will probably be dangerous."

"We're doomed," opined Treisel.

"However, I should be able to get us there with a magic spell or two.  
The disadvantage is that it would use a fair amount of my magic 
power."

"As soon as you try casting that on me," said Tao, "it'll go wrong and 
something disastrous will happen."

"I'm well aware of that.  I was not talking about teleportation, but 
rather about summoning transport.  Once summoned, your aura shouldn't 
have any effect on it."

"Sounds better than walking," said Treisel.

"And you, Mr. Arrayarli, are going to help," said Ezekiel.

"What?"

"You didn't think I was going to do it all alone when there are at 
least two other magical users here to help, did you?"

                               *  *  *

Dr. Pav Bulman always saw himself as the heroic sort.  He was the type 
of gung-ho security officer that would charge into one of the 
university's magic labs and wrestle a monster from Beyond Space And 
Time to the ground with just a piece of string and his sharpened pipe.  
He could wade into a student demonstration, unerringly find the 
leader, and haul him or her off to the cells with little injury to 
either his body or his pride.

He certainly didn't think of himself as a coward that ran at the first 
sight of danger.  However, that was exactly what he was doing.  There 
was something extremely unnerving about the population of an entire 
town bearing down on him with intent to cause grievous bodily harm.  
It didn't help that he had two students under his care and he wasn't 
sure how well they could handle themselves in a fight.

Iryien had proved herself a capable fighter, but she was still young 
and inexperienced.  This lack of experience had proved telling, when 
she had come very close to a serious maiming.  If Bulman hadn't been 
there with a hasty spell, she'd be missing most of her hair now.

The other, Genni Poshtin, was an apprentice sorceress and only a 
novice intern in the University's Security forces.  She was making 
serious mistakes, coming close to death several times, slowing the 
group down.  It didn't help that the only steed she could find was a 
small donkey.  Thankfully, the donkey was deceptively fast for its 
small ragtag appearance and was managing to stay ahead of their 
pursuers.  An arrow landing in its mane had proved wonderful 
motivation for the scraggly animal.

By degrees the group pulled ahead, and then there was a good distance 
between the two groups.  By now they were in the rocky area at the 
foot of some mountains, and Bulman's group had to weave its away 
around fallen rocks, slowing them down.

Genni looked behind them nervously.  "They're still coming sir," she 
said.  "They look very angry.  I wonder what Mr. Arrayarli could have 
done to get them so riled up."

"The worm could have done anything," growled Bulman.  "He stole 
valuable University property just so he could cheat on his 
postgraduate thesis and summoned a demon in a flagrant mockery of all 
common sense.  I wouldn't be surprised if he threatened their mail."

"Excuse me?" asked Iryien.  "I don't see how threatening mail is as 
bad as summoning a demon."

"Pray you never have to find out," said Bulman darkly.

"They're getting closer," said Genni.

"Very well," said Bulman.  He looked around, and saw a dark opening 
into the foot of the mountain, and some loose rocks nearby the 
opening.  He cast Detect Geography on the tunnel entrance and a vision 
of a long and twisty tunnel cutting through the base of the mountain 
entered his mind.  Though it would be difficult going, the group and 
their horses could fit in, and there was definitely an exit at the 
other end.

"Do either of you know Lighting?" he asked.

"A true warrior has no need of such tricks," said Iryien, with a 
'hmph'.

"Sir, I do, sir, but didn't you ask me not to-" said Genni.

"Great.  Follow me," he said, and led his steed inside the tunnel.

"But-" started Genni.

"I said, follow me!  I know what I'm doing!"

Looking extremely nervous, the two students followed him into the dark 
tunnel.  He quickly hopped off the horse and strode to the entrance, 
sizing up the massive rocks on either side of the tunnel mouth.

"Sir?" asked the two students.

"That Lighting spell would be very good right about now, Miss 
Poshtin," he said.

"Sir."  She quickly complied and a globe of light appeared above the 
group, casting a faint white illumination over the entire scene.  Dr. 
Bulman looked at it and nodded with satisfaction, then turned back to 
the rocks.  He closed his eyes and concentrated - and cast Strength.  
A faint glow surrounding him, he easily pulled the rocks into position 
over the tunnel entrance.  The Herculean task finished, he slumped to 
the floor, looking spent.

"I've been casting too much," he said, when he saw their questioning 
stares.  "I'll recover in a little while, but right now I can't even 
handle a simple Lighting spell."

"Aren't you worried that the mob can get through the rocks?"

"First they have to know that there's a tunnel here, and I was careful 
to place the boulders so that it looks like a simple rockfall.  And 
even if they see through that... well, just look at the boulders."

They obediently did so.

"These... have been *jammed* in," said Iryien.  "Not just placed."

"And stuck together with Binding.  Did you really think a mere 
Strength spell would drain me this much?"  He grinned slightly.  "Come 
on, we have to get moving.  We might be temporarily safe, but I want 
to get as far away from those maniacs as possible."

On that the two students were in complete agreement.

                               *  *  *

The 'an unexpected visitor is about to barge in on you' light, 
cunningly disguised as a piece of abstract sculpture, lit up on his 
desk at the same time he heard Neville's plaintive complaint of, "Sir, 
you really can't -"

Chancellor Hatstring sighed, and looked up from the proposed budget 
for the Faculty of Thievery (which was definitely too much) to see 
Death striding through the door, without opening it first.  As this 
had happened several times before, this was becoming routine, almost 
boring, even.

"AHEM.  CHANCELLOR HATTDEHESSZTRYINGGNKGYWE?"

"Yes?  What is it this time?  Are you going to tell me to keep the 
coins again?"

"ONLY UNTIL THE TIME COMES TO RETURN THEM."

"And then you told me to not listen to you convincing me to hold onto 
them!"

"I NEVER DID."

"Yes you did."

"NO I DIDN'T."

"Yes you did."

"NO, I *DIDN'T*."

"Yes you did, just a few days ago."

"ALL I DID WAS TAP YOU ON THE SHOULDER AND ASK ABOUT TAO FEYMU, AND 
YOU SCREAMED YOUR HEAD OFF.  METAPHORICALLY, OF COURSE, I WOULD HAVE 
KNOWN IF YOUR HEAD WAS GOING TO FALL OFF."

"You're a conveniently appearing replication of Death, aren't you!?"

"EXCUSE ME?"

Not feeling entirely sane, Hatstring continued.  "You're one of the 
things you yourself warned me about.  Well, I've had it with all of 
you!  Those accursed coins are FAR away from this office, and Dr. 
Bulman should be coming back any day now with the Feymu girl and you 
can do whatever!  I hereby wash my hands of this mess!  Now get out, 
foul shade!"

"ONE MOMENT."  The skeletal apparition raised its skull and turned it 
this way and that, as if sniffing at the air, and then red lights 
blazed angrily in its eye sockets.  "IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT 
THERE IS MORE GOING ON HERE THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT."

"Tell me something I don't know, o foul demon from beyond the depths 
of the blackest-"

"PLEASE STOP THAT, IT'S ANNOYING.  NOW, *HE* APPEARS TO BE 
INTERVENING."

"He?"

"YES, HIM."

Not for the first time, Feyluck felt confused.  "Look, who's He?  Is 
He from Them?"

There was an uncomfortable pause.  "NO, HE IS NOT FROM THEM," said the 
skeleton at last, almost reluctantly.  "AS FOR WHO HE IS - AT THIS 
MOMENT YOU DO NOT NEED TO KNOW."
  
When Death had visited before, Feyluck had been confused and scared.  
For the first time he started to feel angry.  "Look, despite saying 
I'm out of this mess, I'm in it up to my neck, right?"
  
"I'D SAY IT'S MORE LIKE TEN FEET ABOVE YOUR HEAD AND YOU'RE STINKING 
FAST, MYSELF."

"Yes, whatever.  The point is, I'm in the thick of it.  I think I have 
a right to know what this mess is all about."

There was another uncomfortable pause.  Finally Death spoke, sounding 
extremely reluctant.  "THERE IS LITTLE I CAN SAY, CHANCELLOR 
HATTDEHESSZTRYINGGNKGYWE, AS THIS RELATES TO MATTERS THAT ARE 
ORDINARILY OF LITTLE CONCERN TO HUMANS, SO FAR REMOVED ARE THEY FROM 
THEM.  HOWEVER, YOU HAVE A POINT.  WHAT I CAN SAY AT THE MOMENT IS 
THAT THE... AH... SITUATION RELATES TO THE TRUE NATURE AND PAST 
HISTORY OF THE TAO FEYMU GIRL."

"True nature and history?"  A nagging suspicion tugged at his 
thoughts.  "This has to do with her magical distortion effect, doesn't 
it?"

"THAT IS A MERE SIDE EFFECT OF THE TRUE REASON."

"Then what -"

Death raised a hand, cutting off Hatstring's question.

"I TRULY REGRET THAT I CANNOT SAY ANY MORE AT THIS TIME.  HOWEVER, YOU 
MAY DISCOVER QUITE A LOT IF YOU INVESTIGATE YOURSELF."  There was a 
flare of light in one eye socket, and Hatstring realised that this was 
Death's equivalent of a wink.

"I still don't know who He is or what those damn coins have to do with 
anything."

"OH.  THOSE COINS THAT YOU HAVE ON GAUDY DISPLAY IN THE FACULTY OF 
MAGIC'S BREAK ROOM APPEAR TO BE FROM *HIM.*  YOU *WILL* PUT A 
RESTRAINING FIELD AROUND THOSE COINS."

"I will?"

"YOU WILL.  OTHERWISE THE PROBABLY HOSTILE SPELL ON THEM WILL CONTINUE 
OPERATING."

"The WHAT?"

But Death had already disappeared.

"NEVILLE!"

The door opened a fraction and the student secretary poked his head 
into the room.  "Yes, Chancellor Hatstring?"

"Take a two point memo.  Dr. Zevel is to assemble a team of the best 
mages of the Faculty of Magic and investigate The Coins, with a view 
to restraining any magical effects they may have.  The second item is 
for someone to go hire someone to investigate Tao Feymu's past."

"Yes sir," said the boy, scribbling furiously on his notepad.

                               *  *  *

Ezekiel looked upon his preparations, and saw that they were good.

Treisel and Wajissabequahze were standing at two points of a triangle 
inscribed inside a magic circle, and muttering Mighty Words of Power 
that summoned their magical energies and poured them into the circle.  
Ezekiel himself was on the third point, and also delivering magical 
power into the circle.

As for Tao, she was standing quite a distance off to the side, making 
sure her aura didn't get in the way of things.

Small arcs of ground lightning crackled over the magical circle.  One 
sparked close to Treisel's foot, and he 'eep'ed and looked dangerously 
close to jumping from his point.

"Stay there!" snapped Ezekiel.  "You don't want this to go wrong and 
summon something vast and terrible from the nethermost pits of hell, 
do you!?"

"You don't mean the Chihuahua demons?" asked Waj, with more than a 
trace of fear in his voice.

The powers in the circle started to waver, as the human and the demon 
started to lose concentration.

"Keep your minds on the task!  Forget about demons!"

They stopped talking, but Ezekiel could tell from the fluctuations of 
the circle that their concentration was reduced.  He looked upon his 
preparations and saw that they weren't so good anymore.  He had to 
finish this spell before it turned into a disaster, or at least a 
minor accident.

With a few curt words he dismissed Treisel and Wajissabequahze, and 
stepped into the centre of the circle, where a complicated eye-
watering rune was inscribed, and started chanting.

  "To me, powers of Earth and Air,
   Grant benevolence upon my unworthy self;
   FOCUS!"

The Focus spell complete, he felt the spirits of the earth and the sky 
looking upon him.  He felt their mild curiosity.  He even half-
imagined he sensed a "damn, here we go again," feeling in some of the 
spirits, but hastily ignored them.  He didn't need to lose 
concentration at this point.  He needed to concentrate on the 
spellcasting.  Yes, the spellcasting.  His chanting continued.

  "Over land and through air,
   Into depths of fog and the deepest caves;
   Allow us use of you,
   To travel far and wide and fast;
   SUMMON!"

On the edge of hearing, he fancied he could hear a "Do we have to?" 
followed by a "Hey, look, just the thing."  There was a suitably 
impressive flash of light, and then there was a small donkey in front 
of him, braying in annoyance.  It had an arrow tangled in its scraggly 
mane.

Almost as if it was an afterthought, a beat up old cart with obviously 
mismatched wheels appeared a few inches behind the donkey, and fell 
with a thump.

"This... was not what I was expecting," said Ezekiel, sweating 
nervously.

"Simon and the stupid cart," said Treisel.  "But of course.  What 
*else* can go wrong?"

"Never mind, it's faster than walking, isn't it?" Tao said 
encouragingly.

"EEE-YAAAW," brayed Simon, annoyed at the world in general.

                               *  *  *

For a brief moment, Genni was pulling on thin air, and then she was 
falling the short distance to the rocky ground.  She landed on her 
rear end and she cried out, more in surprise than pain.

Dr. Bulman and Iryien turned and just stared in amazement.

"Miss Poshtin... the donkey... what happened?"

"What do you THINK?" she snapped back, rubbing her sore behind.  "The 
stupid thing just disappeared, right when I was trying to pull it over 
these rocks!"

"Very... odd," said the Head of Security.

"At least it disappeared after we got away from the Lurienians," said 
Iryien.

"That's not reassuring.  Now I have to walk everywhere again!  It 
can't possibly get any worse than this!"

                               *  *  *

Some things, you're just not meant to say.  On the top of the list are 
things like "What else can go wrong?" and "It can't possibly get any 
worse."  Treisel and Genni, still quite naive to the ways of the 
world, don't know this, and it would prove unfortunate for them and 
their various travelling companions.

                               *  *  *

Rahve Lisken was one of a rare breed - she was a private investigator.

In the magic world of Zinnonth, when people wanted to learn something 
embarrassing about other people, there was often a magic spell lying 
around that they could use, such as Scrying, Spy Eye, or Past Sight.  
Magic spells were a lot cheaper than people and so most of the time, 
simple economics won through.  However, there were also counter-
spells, counter-counter-spells, towns where magic was frowned upon if 
not outright forbidden, and people with distortion effects that 
completely messed up magic spells in their vicinity.  So there was 
always the need for someone, preferably smoking and wearing a 
trenchcoat, to poke his (or her, in this case) nose into things and 
Find Things Out.

In her cheap dingy office, Rahve looked at the chronostone above the 
door and grumbled.  It was now five days, seven hours, twenty minutes, 
and thirty-seven seconds since her last job.  If she didn't get a new 
job soon, she'd have to go and look for some casual work somewhere.  
She thought about the usual sorts of jobs she ended up taking and 
grimaced.  If she had to serve just one more unusually processed 
potato to a pimply faced youth who changed his order five times per 
minute, she was going to scream.

She flat out refused to do the only other type of work she could 
easily get with her qualifications (or, to be more precise, her lack 
of qualifications), so screaming loudly at a customer and being 
ignominiously fired was looming dangerously in her near future.

It was now five days, seven hours, twenty-four minutes, and five 
seconds since her last job.

She sighed and looked at the door again, willing anybody to walk 
through, even if the job was as simple as finding a cat in a cave with 
rocks that resisted Find spells.  It wouldn't pay much, but at least 
it would be *some* money...

It was now five days, seven hours, twenty-five minutes, and twenty-
eight seconds since her last job.

She was out of gum to chew, as well.  Because a good PI needed to look 
tough somehow and she refused to smoke, ever since cutting down that 
attacker and seeing his rather gruesomely coloured lungs that 
indicated he wouldn't have lived much longer even if he hadn't 
mistakenly attacked her in the middle of night when she was on a 
stakeout job.

She was perhaps obsessing too much about the time, she thought, as she 
caught herself looking at the chronostone yet again.

Right, that was it, if someone didn't walk through that door in the 
next half-hour, she was going to cut her losses, put on the silly 
costume, and go look for work at one of the newfangled 'fast food' 
joints and try very very hard not to scream at the customers.

Five minutes before the self-imposed deadline, a small miracle 
happened when someone did knock on her door.  She looked at the 
silhouette visible through the smoky glass and saw that it probably 
wasn't an old lady asking for directions.  She allowed herself to 
hope.

Her hopes came crashing down about her ears when she saw that it was 
Rhaynd Yrxel, her old geography lecturer.  Finally, he had come for 
her.  Finally he was seeking retribution for the essay she had sneaked 
into the pile on the lecturer's desk a day late.  He'd always been 
very adamant about having things submitted on time.

"I'm sorry I'm sorry, I was working really hard on that essay, honest, 
and I just needed a bit more -"

Rhaynd looked at her strangely.  "Is there something wrong, miss?"

She allowed herself to hope again.  "Oh, er, it was nothing.  You just 
looked like an old... um..." she thought fast, "logic teacher I used 
to have who was always really really anal about getting things in on 
time and one time I had to ask for an extension and he granted it but 
had this very annoyed look on his face."

"Having things in on time is very important," he said, with a look of 
stern disapproval on his face.  "I can only hope that these days you 
complete cases before the deadline."

"Always do.  Except when there are really strange circumstances."

His mouth quirked.  "This case can probably be called strange even 
before you start it, and it needs to be completed before the 
deadline."

This wasn't good.  Her first case in five days and eight hours, and it 
was slipping through her fingers before she even started.

"I can say that even when strange circumstances have intervened, I've 
managed to come very close - within hours, not days - of the 
deadline."  Well, it was sort of true.  'Strange circumstances' had 
only ever happened once, when the cat in the magic-resistant cave had 
somehow stumbled through a portal to Hell.  She'd found the damn cat 
in a murky corner in Hell purely by luck and quickly legged it back to 
Zinnonea, a couple of hours overtime.  Still, it counted.

"Indeed?  That is acceptable, I suppose."

"So what's the case?" she asked.

"I come on behalf of Chancellor Hattdehessztryinggnkgywe of the 
University," he said, with no pause at all.  An impressive feat, she 
mused - almost nobody could pronounce the Chancellor's name properly.  
"He requires the past of a young woman named Tao Feymu to be 
investigated, and it proves impossible to investigate magically.  
Until recently Miss Feymu was a student at the Faculty of Magic at the 
University, but she requested a leave of absence and has left the city 
in the company of an expelled student and a demon."

"A demon?" she asked incredulously.

"Yes, a demon.  It appears to have been locked in the human realm."  
Even though she had a good poker face, he must have sensed her shock, 
for he then said, "It also appears to have had its power reduced and 
isn't hostile, so there is no cause for alarm."

"Ah... right.  Do I get to know why Tao's past has to be 
investigated?"

The man smiled humourlessly.  "Not now, no, for we aren't sure 
ourselves.  But you'll probably find out why during the 
investigation."

After working out a few little niggling details, such as the deadline 
for the case (too soon) and the amount of money this was going to cost 
(not enough, in Rahve's opinion), the man left.

And Rahve Lisken now had a case, even though it already seemed rather 
strange.  She whooped with joy, packed her tools and weapons in her 
trenchcoat pockets, picked up her hat, and was out of the office in 
just five minutes.

                               *  *  *

This was nice.

Actually, it wasn't all that nice, really.  The cart was 
uncomfortable, and the air around them was oppressively humid.  Simon 
couldn't pull them very fast normally, and the rough road was slowing 
him down even further.  To top it off, creatures occasionally attacked 
them and they couldn't be fought off with magic, because of her 
distortion effect.  Thankfully, Zeke was incredibly good with that 
mace of his, so he could easily beat off any attackers.

Tao often wondered how her friends in the Adventurer's Faculty handled 
the tedium, bone-wearying travelling, and fights with enraged critters 
inherent in long journeys between towns.  Their general opinion was 
that there was nothing you could do - it was boring by nature and you 
had to live with it until the next bit of excitement came along.  She 
was finding this out first hand, and it wasn't as if the bits of 
excitement were all that wonderful, either.

But at least they were off their feet for a while, and trundling along 
with a definite destination and the hope of supplies, food, and 
lodgings in mind, so things were better than before.  Of course, it 
helped that with four bodies in the cart, Tao had to sit closer to 
Treisel.  She was almost *touching* him, she was that close.

"Sorry about this," said Treisel, taking his eyes off Simon for a 
moment.

"For what?"

"Being squished together like this.  I know you like your space."

"Oh no, it's perfectly alright!" said Tao, a bit more quickly than she 
would have liked.

"You sure?  You're looking sort of red there."

"Ah... uh... hahaha..."  If she'd felt embarrassed before, she felt 
very embarrassed now.

"You sure you're all right?  You look very hot."

He called her hot!  Well, not quite in the way she'd hoped for, but 
still, he'd called her hot!  Surely that was something, wasn't it?

Probably not, she decided.

"Trei..." she started.

"Yes?" he replied.

"WATCH THE ROAD!" roared Ezekiel.

Ready for anything, whether it was bandits, another cart bearing down 
on them at Ludicrous Speed, or possibly even a hunk of flaming rock 
screaming from the sky, Treisel snapped his eyes front, to see... 
nothing very much, really.

"I thought there was something dangerous, Zeke," he complained.  "And 
there's nothing."

"Driving and not looking straight ahead at the road IS dangerous," 
responded the angel.

The two started arguing and Tao sighed.  The moment was lost.  Again.

                               *  *  *

Ang was a small village on the edge of a particularly nasty swamp on 
the outskirts of the Land of Ying.  About the only reason it existed 
is because at one point in the distant past various humans in the area 
felt the need to band together against a harsh and hostile world.  
Since then, centuries passed and humans became more numerous and 
gained mastery over Zinnonth (or, at least, parts of Zinnonth, such as 
Ying).

Strictly speaking, as they had no other useful functions or features, 
small villages such as Ang were no longer necessary, but they hung on 
regardless, slowly dying out as the young people left for the larger 
towns and cities.

Such villages are invariably extremely dull, but none of this mattered 
to Treisel and Tao as their cart bumped its incredibly painful way 
into the main, and in fact *only*, street of Ang.  All that mattered 
to the two humans was that in the middle of the village was a nice-
looking brightly-lit inn and tavern combo, and there was the heavenly 
smell of freshly cooked food wafting from it.

Okay, so the name of the place - The Human's Head - was slightly 
disturbing.  But in their bone-weary state, that didn't matter to the 
ex-students so much.  They trudged over to the door and flung it open.

Three pairs of frightened human eyes looked up at the new arrivals.  
Along with twenty pairs of nonhuman eyes.

"Ah, we haf dinner, ja?" said a vampire.

"Dey look too skinny," rumbled a troll.

"We dinna' hav to eat 'em," said an orc wearing a chainmail skirt.  
"And you troll sods canna' eat humans anyways."

"They could still be good entertainment," said a darkskinned elf.

"You know something, Tao?" asked Treisel.

"Yeah?"

"I always wondered how places like this survived if all the young 
people kept on leaving for the cities.  I guess I now know."

"Let's see if we can survive and tell others about this amazing 
discovery, how about that?"

"Good idea," said Treisel, eying the denizens nervously.  "Um... do 
you have any idea how?"

"None whatsoever.  You're the more accomplished magic student here."

                               *  *  *

"At last!" said Genni.  "The end of the tunnel!"

"Don't rush," warned Bulman.  "There could be anything ahead."  He 
visibly concentrated - Genni guessed he had recovered enough magic 
power and was casting True Sight.  "I mean, there could be traps.  
There could be wild animals.  There could be an ambush from native 
cannibals.  Why, there could even be all three."  The look of 
concentration passed.  "But the way appears to be safe."

They stepped from the tunnel.

The first thing Bulman saw were the wards on the rocks, instantly 
recognising them as the sort that resisted the effects of magic, and 
so he started swearing.  The next thing they knew there was a net 
falling around them, the barks of barely tame dogs, and a group of 
nearly naked cannibal pygmies waving sharpened sticks at them.

"Then again, I could be wrong," said Dr. Bulman.

Genni and Iryien tried to hit him, but the net had them quite 
definitely immobilised.

                               *  *  *

"I wonder what's taking them so long?" asked Ezekiel.  "It can't take 
them that long to find out if there's an available room."

"Maybe they want two.  Humans can be strangely fussy that way."

"Should we check on them, do you think?"

"That sort of thing CAN backfire, you know," said Wajissabequahze, 
remembering a previous incident where he'd gone to check on why Tao 
was taking so long to wash up at a river and she threw many many rocks 
at him for some weird reason.

"They've been gone too long," decided Ezekiel.  "We're checking on 
them."

"But-"

"No buts."

They walked in the door and saw Tao and Treisel hung up beside another 
three humans on the wall, and twenty nonhumans, such as vampires, 
werewolves, trolls, orcs, a dark elf, and even the twisted form of a 
gnoll looking at the five humans with various types of hunger in their 
eyes.

"Waj!" shouted Treisel.  "Am I glad to see you!"

With their supernatural abilities and a lot of educated guesswork, the 
angel and the demon realised what was happening.  Wajissabequahze 
removed his cloak, and changed from his human form into his much more 
imposing demonic shape.  "Ahem," he ahemmed.  "The boy and the girl 
are ours."

Ezekiel poked him in the side with an amazingly sharp elbow.  "Waj," 
he hissed, "the other three as well.  I can't be an angel and just let 
them go like that."

"In fact," said Wajissabequahze, putting on extra menace, "all five 
are ours."

"I don't believe you," said the largest of the trolls, picking up a 
massive spiked club.  "I think you're just out to ruin our fun."

The show of defiance sparked something in the room, and the nineteen 
other nonhumans picked up various weapons (or extended claws and/or 
teeth, depending on species) and generally looked threatening.

"Okay Zeke, time for a plan B," said Waj.  "Um... do you have a plan 
B?"


(To be continued)


Author's Note
-------------
Bleh.  I'm not going to say, "this sucks," because even though this 
isn't the best I can do it's not absolutely terrible, and also, W4 
would go into a murderous rage.  I don't want that happening.  ^_^

I was all excited about getting to write for Hell and Back, and that 
it's getting close to double digits in the episode numbers (just two 
more to go, folks!) and then all my creativity and inspiration decided 
to leave me in the lurch when it came time to actually write the 
chapter.  I blame the pressures of regular nine-to-five work and 
having just recently written DG#55.  AND because it was started so 
late there was no time for prereading, either.  Bad me.  BAAAD me.

Oh well, that's enough doom and gloom for now.

I had the idea for a slightly different PI, and, ever so slightly 
influenced by the idea of Lewton in the game Discworld Noir (but only 
slightly, as I haven't even played that game yet), came up with Rahve.  
I hope she catches on.  ^_^

Thanks for reading.

Steven Scougall
16/2/2000
http://www.crosswinds.net/~sscougall/