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                TO HELL AND BACK

        Chapter V - Well, I'll Be Damned!

    Original Concept by Steven Scougall, 1999

         This part by: Mycohl Mizlaplan
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  "I mean it!" shouted Tao, holding a package adressed to "Crombie Finstring, 
Lurien" aloft in front of her.  "If anyone moves another inch, your precious 
mail goes up in flames!"  This was rather exciting, playing the terrorist.
Too bad she had no way of actually igniting the package if they called her
bluff...

  She glanced down into the alley.  Treisel obligingly met her gaze with a 
blank one of his own, and shrugged.  Wonderful.  She gestured for him to 
climb the opposite roof, and he did so, after pocketing Waj and thoughtfully
unharnessing Simon to prevent his being burned at stake for the crime of 
"Providing Forward Impetus to Magic-Users".  Freed of his shackles (so to
speak), Simon bolted the alleyway, fleeing as any sane animal would from
the clouds of feathers, blood, frogs, and other assorted visceral claptrap
spewing forth from the pub windows.

  Tao gathered all the strength her petite frame contained, and mightily hurled
herself across the alley, quietly assuring herself that the package would break
her fall, if need be.  Perhaps Trei would even attempt to catch her, and he
would of course succeed, and as she lay in his supple arms, he would gaze
down into her eyes and say...

  "Oof!" said Trei, as the prone form of Tao holding a package of rather pointy
things collided with him, knocking them both to the floor, err, roof.  Well,
it wasn't quite as manly a display of manliness as she'd hoped for, but at
least he made the attempt, right?  Tao smiled.

  "Umm," began the micro-demon, and before he could begin to form the words
"This roof is not entirely stable, as I doubt it was built to the exacting
codes of Underworld Architects Local 319 (which my brother has been a card-
carrying member of for over 4000 years), exhibited by the strained groaning
of key support timbres just as Tao landed on you, Treisel," the roof collapsed.

                                 * * * *

  "You're late," said a soft voice from the darkness of the chamber currently
swimming with airborne wood and plaster particles.  They heard a soft sipping
noise, as if someone were sitting at a table just out of sight, enjoying
a nice spot of tea after an equally nice supper, and just the tiniest trifle
annoyed that his guests had come crashing through the roof ten minutes late,
rather than using the front door, like any civilized, punctual entity.

  "Where am I?" groaned Treisel, holding his head with an ease that spoke of
practice.  As his eyes ajusted to the gloom, he could make out a robed figure
(oh gods, not another one -Ed.) sitting at a table remarkably similar to the 
one he had pictured.

  "Zeke?!" mumbled Waj incredulously.  He had returned to his normal size, for
the most part, and he stumbled through the dark room towards the figure at
the table.

  "Waj!  What in heaven are you doing with these ragamuffins?!" yelled the
mysterious figure, standing up to meet the demon halfway in a great big,
manly, other-worldly being-ish bearhug.  "Long time, no see, you old goat!
Still have the green thumb?"

  "Well, I- uh, er," Waj stammered.  "Not quite.  It seems that I am in just
the smallest bit of a situation...  Ahh, anyway, let me introduce you all.
Treisel, Tao, this is an old associate of mine, Ezekiel.  He's on the other 
team."

   "Eh??" began Treisel with his typical grunt of non-comprehension.  He stood
slowly, and then helped Tao to her feet.

  "Ahh, but I'm forgetting my manners," Ezekiel said quickly. "You both are 
humans, after all.  LET THERE BE LIGHT."  The room was promptly suffused with
a soft, blue glow, which shimmered faintly around Tao, as if it wanted to
change into a duck, but was mortified at ruining the somber mood of reunion.

  "You're an angel?" asked Tao.  "Like, the kind from Heaven?  How did you 
come to know a demon, just out of morbid curiosity?"

  "Yeah!" agreed Trei vehemently.

  "Oh, it's a long story.  But, the short and sweet of it is that we all used
to be on the same side, before the, ahh..."

  "Shhp!" Waj interrupted his friend with a wink.  "Not around the mortals,
remember?"

  "Well," Zeke began again, "suffice it to say that Wajissabequahze and I go
way back.  Waaaaaaaay back."  He turned to face his long-lost friend.  "Why,
if I may be so bold, are you parading about in that infernal outfit in the
mortal realm?  Especially in Lurien.  That sort of thing may have been lauded 
last millenium, but nowadays it's not Kosher, and certainly not here."

  "Well, that's part of the situation," said Waj as he pulled up a chair and
poured himself a cup of Earl Gray.  "Treisel here seems to have summoned me
from the depths, and due to an intricate practical-joke on the part of some
friends, I cannot seem to perform transmogrification, teleportation, or any
of the commonsense useful things that we take for granted."

  "Hrrrm," hrrmed Ezekiel, letting his eyes shift into a pupilless state.
He stood, and slowly peered at Waj from multiple angles as he walked around
his friend, finally returning to his seat with a sigh.  "That is quite a
number they've worked on you, chum.  Complete with temporal barrier."  He
rested his chin on a palm, and blew air up into his thin blonde hair.
"Well, the barrier can only be unworked from the deep end, but it appears
that the nullification spell was interwoven tightly with another spell,
which has ceased to exist."

  "That would be the irony spell." interjected Tao.

  "Yes, well, it's an infernally devious design, but it was weaved as a
heterogenous amalgamation, instead of disparately.  Whoever did this never
accounted for the fact that one bit of the amalgamation would have completed
it's task, and subsided to the eather, which leaves quite a few loose tangly
bits.  Shouldn't be much of a problem to..."

  ZOOOP!  A bright field of energy crackled around Wajissabequahze, and slowly 
slid off of him.  The field billowed along the floor, colours swirling beautifully
on its surface in the pale light.  Tao was so transfixed that she was caught
quite off-guard when it brushed against her toe, and transformed into a bird
cage with a small fish inside.

  "Ahh!" she screamed, jumping back.  The fish flopped desperately against the
bars of its prison, vainly trying to figure out where the hell the pond went.

  "Oh, yes, that brings me back to my main order of business," said Ezekiel,
plucking the fish from the cage and dropping it into his tea.  (It's lukewarm.
Gimme a break, I'm not a sadist.)  "The girl travelling with you is of some
interest to a number of parties, and the one of which I currently am a member
has asked me to see you safely away from this place of ignominy."

  "We were wondering about that," said Tao hesitantly.  "I'm sure whatever
happened in the pub back there was my fault, but I hope no one was seriously
injured or unrightably transformed..."

  "And why haven't they beaten down the door to this place?" interrupted Treisel.
"You'd think with all the commotion they would've found and lynched us by now."

  "P'shaw." said Ezekiel.  "You honestly believe that I would allow my abode to
be entered by uninvited mortals?  Besides, they have other things to deal with
at the moment.  You know Luriens, out of site, out of mind."  He grinned.

  "No, we don't." replied Trei.

  "Ahh, well, there would be some explanation in order then."  Ezekiel proceeded
to fill them in on the quaint but disturbing history of the country of Lurien,
and then the three informed him of their journey as it had occured thus far.

  "Well, I don't really see any problem with leaving quietly, provided that we
are careful to keep the young lady away from direct contact with the citizens,
and we use nothing mystical ourselves.  Waj, you'll need a less assuming tie."

  Waj had been fiddling with his appearance for the past few minutes, and had
settled on a dark brown suit to match his hair.  He was having trouble with the
tie.  "What's wrong with Sopharektlyyman-dirt Red?" he asked.  "I grew up in
the valley, and it's always been a calming color in my family."

  "Well, firstly, red tends to make humans irritable," said Zeke, "and that
particular shade of red is bright enough to track a beetle at 100,000 paces
in the mortal realm.  Try a softer brown."

  Trei and Tao winced as the bright red vanished, to be replaced by a rather
ordinary brown tie.  All in all, Waj did not make an unattractive human, but
the squareness of his jaw made him look rather still like a farmer, and the
way he held himself in the suit could hardly be called suave.  Nonetheless,
it was much better than a bright red clawed beastie in a hooded robe.

  "Oh, and Waj," remarked Zeke casually. "Try not to wither anything during
your stay in this realm."  He placed his finger alongside his nose.  
"Faux pas."

                                 * * * *

  "It seems that Miss Feymu is quite important in the greater sceme of what
is to be," whispered Zeke as they crept through the darkened streets of a
now mostly somnolent Lurien.  "I don't have any of the details, but my side
is keenly interested in seeing that she comes to no harm.  At least, most
of them..."  He said this in a way that made you think of angelic heads on
pigpoles if the orders were not carried out to the fullest.

  "This is news to me." muttered Tao.  "What do the Powers that Be want with
a college dropout with a magic-distorting aura?  I can't see how I'd be of
much use to anyone..."  She said this in a way that made you think of authors
not-yet-having-authored muddling the problem about in their noggins.  After
all, this is only chapter five, and all I have to do is foreshadow the really
nifty stuff to come.  (Don't worry, he's being sacked as soon as we have our
wage out of him. -Ed.)

  "I'm not entirely sure," said Ezekiel foreshadowingly, "but my orders were
quite specific, although they didn't mention anything about Waj being along
for the ride.  But, it's nice to see a friendly face after 500 years."

  Treisel was a bit disgruntled that what had started out as his adventure
(so to speak) was now focusing rather obliquely on his companions, and there
didn't seem to be anything he could do about it.  He decided to take charge,
in the most direct manner he could manage.

  "We've forgotten the mail." he stated rather nonchalantly.  "We'll have
to turn around and go back for it."  Haha!  Logic that they could not defy,
that was the calling-card of great leadership.

  "No, it's tucked safe in a pocket-dimension." replied Waj.  "The mule
seems to be a lost cause, however.  Lost, I mean.  He ran off."

  "Oh." said Treisel.  "So, where are we going after this?" he inquired,
furiously formulating Plan B in his head.

  "Well, according to your map," said Ezekiel, "you are travelling through
the Poularni Pass as a shortcut to your next mail drop.  Not the route
that I would have picked, seeing as the inhabitants of the pass are a fierce
tribe of canniballistic primitives, replete with shamans practicing arcane
mystical rites that have been forgotten for aeons, but you seem up to the
challenge."

  Treisel gulped.  "Uh, yeah, that's right.  Cannibals."  Time for some real
leadership.  "But we can handle a bunch of spear-slinging primitives and a
few witch-doctors.  No fear."

  Tao beamed with admiration at Trei's bold statement.  Perhaps he was climbing
out out the wet-sock stage of his burgeoning leadership, and now he would be
her knight in shining... well, her knight in slightly dusty breeches.  "What's
the name of the tribe?" she wondered aloud.

  "The Luriens," said Ezekiel somberly, "call them the Inexorable Banes."

                                 * * * *

  Feyluck Hatstring consoled himself with the knowledge that he had at least
acquired a unique collector's item, if not actual saleable gold, and that he
might actually be able to find a buyer willing to shell out generous portions
of real tender for them, provided he could... well, find one.

  "PBVHEYWLLIUHCQKWE."

  "Yes, Death?"  Feyluck sighed.  This was getting rather tiresome.

  "DO NOT ATTEMPT TO RID YOURSELF OF THE COINS."

  "Awwww, why not?!  Shouldn't I get SOMETHING out of all this?!" he yelled at 
the robed figure standing behind him in the cafeteria.  Eyebrows raised at his
outburst.

  "THE VERY LEAST THAT YOU WOULD GET WOULD BE AN EARLY RETIREMENT."  If skulls
could wink, this one would have.  "PBVHEYWLLIUHCQKWE, I CANNOT TELL YOU WHY YOU
MUST KEEP THEM, SINCE IT IS ON A NEED TO KNOW BASIS, AND YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW.
I CAN TELL YOU THAT, FOR YOUR SAKE, YOU WOULD BE WISE TO KEEP THEM WITHIN
THE BOUNDARIES OF THIS UNIVERSITY UNTIL YOU MAY RETURN THEM FROM WHENCE THEY 
CAME.  IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.  TRUST ME."  With that, the robed figure 
disappeared.

  Ahh, well.  At least they'd look keen on display in the faculty lounge.

                                 * * * *

  Gah.  Keeping tabs on mortals and crippled demons was not in her job 
description.  She should be out supervising the barbarian raids to the south,
or riding with the cavalry of the Kingdom of Rotterel, inciting them to much
violence and wanton bloodshed.  This was too much like babysitting, which
wasn't in her job description, either.

  She wiped ooze that contained a mixture of feathers and rotting fruit from
her red tresses, and continued to dig through the rubbish in the alley.

  "Hah!  Found it.  I'll make sure it stays with them, this time." she muttered
to herself, as she strode purposefully into the street.  She glanced at the
open door of the pub.  "Well, duty can wait for a few hours.  Time to get 
pissed."

  She walked casually into the building, which reeked of odours so foul she
could scarcely remember a battlefield more pungent.  The proprietor sullenly
mopped at the bloodstains on his once-nearly-thouroughly-clean floor, and
barely glanced at her at she sidled up to the bar.

  "What'll it be, miss?" asked the bartender, who ceased the idle wiping of
mugs to stare at her intently.

  "Whiskey, on the rocks." she said.  It was her usual.

  "C'mn rat up." he said mechanically, as he poured the harsh liquid into a 
glass of ice.

  Just as the drink was set in front of her, it began.  

  "I saw her first, buddy!"

  "Smeg off, ya git!  Can't a man make a pass in peace these days?!"

  "Shut the bloody hell up, both of ya, a'fore I mash yer skulls!"

  She sipped at her whiskey.  It was terrible.  Of course, no one made it
quite like she wanted it, not here in the mortal realm, but she'd had some
remarkable facsimiles.

  "Do you have anything imported?" she inquired politely, as a chair leg
flew past her to smash into the wall.

  "Nope." said the bartender, ducking a thrown mug.  "Law don' 'low none a 
them foreign drinks here in Lurien.  Might be tainted, y'know."

  "Oh." she said, and continued to sip as she watched the proceedings.  One
man had found that by sitting on the chest of one of his opponents, he fairly
effectively incapacitated him.  But, he had forgotten about the other three,
one of whom was bringing a table to bear right smack on his head.

  She chuckled.  Always the same, yet it was still amusing.

  "What in THE HELL did you just call me mum?!"

  "Nothing, I- arrgh, that choffing hurt, you bastard!  Prepare to die!"

  "Put down the bloody table!!!!"

  She finished off her drink and asked for another.  The barkeep poured,
and then vaulted over the counter to assist the proprietor in pounding one
of their patrons senseless.  Well, not much point in hanging about here very 
much longer, pretty soon the entire city would be in arms.  

  Suddenly, one of the brawlers let loose with a deep crimson fireball, and the 
entire building was set ablaze, again.  Definitely time to go.  She hopped
quietly off her stool, and sauntered out, her red sword gleaming even redder
in the twilight bonfire.

                                 * * * *

  Some leader he was.  Bound, gagged, and strung up with Tao on what he could
only assume would soon be a roasting spit, he thought back, wondering where he
had gone wrong...

[WARNING: FLASHBACK IMMINENT]

  It ha