==========================================
Saving the World Again
  1/2 off Ajax brand Plot Thickener

Chapter 12: Quo Vadis
  Mervyn the Wonder Slug
==========================================

"What do you see?" Julian asked for the tenth time in five
minutes.

Darrow sighed as he carefully adjusted the components of the
makeshift "periscope" he'd put together using, among other
things, several empty vials and Hans's shiny new sword.
"I see...a bunch of upside-down blobby things," he said.  "I
told you this wouldn't work, Julian.  I'm an alchemist, not 
an engineer."

"Damn it," Julian swore, punching the sand.

Hans raised his hand.

"Yes?"

"I am zhinkink of a vay ve can see vhat is goink on in ze 
cave."

"Oh really?" Darrow drawled snidely.  He picked himself up
and brushed the sand off his clothes.  "And what would that
be, pray?"

"Allow me to demonstrate," said Hans, as he picked Darrow up
by one leg and dangled him over the edge of the cliff.  "It
iz a gut idea, no?"

"Eeeyagh!" 

"Darrow never appreciates my ideas," Hans said sadly.

Julian leaned over the cliff edge.  Darrow was torn between a
desire to flail his arms in terror and a desire to avoid 
sudden, violent movements, and so had settled on waving his 
arms very slowly up and down.

"What do you see?" asked Julian.

"My life flashing before my eyes!"

"You know," Hans said meditatively, "my hands are kind of 
zweaty...  It vould be a zhame if you aczidentally zlipped 
out of my grasp."

"IseeAricaandAquilatiedupwithSevernandabunchofconfusedlooking
soldiersandaguyinawhitecoatnowpullmeuppullmeuppullmeup!"

Hans hoisted Darrow back onto relatively solid ground.  As he
did so, a small bottle slipped out of Darrow's pocket and 
fell leisurely toward the water.

Julian stroked his chin.  "There's got to be some way to get
down there without being seen..."

The bottle, unnoticed, dropped into the water with a plunk.

"Some sort of diversion..."

"I could recite from 'Gustav vnd Frea,'" Hans volunteered.
"Zat is alvays diverting!"

The cork, jarred free by the impact, floated back to the 
surface.

"Er, that's not exactly what I ment, Hans.  We need something
that'll draw attention away from us, not to us."

In accordance with the principles of diffusion, sea water 
seeped into the bottle, while what was in the bottle seeped
out.  Five seconds later, the sea was hissing like a theater
full of snakes on Amateur Opera Night, with a towering 
cloud of purplish smoke billowing out of it.

"That more what you had in mind?" asked Darrow, jerking his
thumb at the cloud over his shoulder and attempting to look
like it had been his idea all along.

Julian eyed the cloud suspiciously.  "Sort of.  That's not 
poisonous, is it?"

"No, certainly not.  Well, probably not.  Possibly no--look,
I'd estimate there's at least a thirty percent chance that
it's no more than highly irritating.  Why don't you two go
on down and rescue the girls, and I'll wait up here to see
what you turn into.  Up!" he hastily corrected as Julian and
Hans frog-marched him down the hill.  "What you turn *up*!"

                            -=*=-

Inside the cave bore a striking resemblance to hell, provided
you thought hell had a beach, was open on one end, and was
full of untrustworthy-looking rowboats and grumpy, coughing
soliders.  So on second thought, perhaps it wasn't very much
like hell at all.

It was smoky, though, and also loud, what with the soliders
shouting at each other, Severn shouting at the soldiers, Arica
and Aquila shouting at Severn, and Harold shouting at anyone
who'd listen--or in other words, no one.

"Get in the boats!" Severn barked.  ("No, don't get in the
boats yet!" Harold countered.)  "Are the prisoners secure?"

"Sir, all prisoners secure and accounted for!" a familiar 
voice answered from the gloom.  ("What are you doing?  Let
go of me!" said Harold.)

"Then grab the nearest oar and *row*!" Severn ordered.  Thirty
minutes later, he would be furious to realize that the voice
had, in fact, belonged to Darrow, and that the girl and the 
pirate were nowhere to be seen.  This fury would last until
replaced by an even larger fury, once the pitifully small 
remaints of his original company of soldiers, spurred to 
mutiny by the crew of the Aqua Terror, tied him up and left 
him in a small fishing village with a "Please throw rotting 
fish at me" sign around his neck.

But that's in the future.  In the present, Hans and Julian 
were cutting Arica and Aquila free; Darrow was noting with 
some dismay that Severn's group had taken all the boats except
for three, all of which were so old that they fell apart on
contact with water; and Harold was staggering around and 
bumping into things with a bucket on his head.

At that point, a small section of the rock face slid open,
and the professor stepped out.  "Harold!" he called.  "Harold,
what is going on here?"

"I don't know!  It got all smoky and there was shouting and
then some huge man put a bucket over my head and recited blank
verse at me!  Help me sir, this thing smells like bait!"

"Oh dear," said the professor, surveying the interlopers and 
the remnants of the chaos.  "I do hope I don't have to use the
Electro-Mangulator.  It seems so uncouth."  He grabbed the 
bucket by the rim, twisted it sharply, and yanked it off 
Harold's head.

"Ow!" said Harold.

Ignoring him, the professor strode over to Julian and prodded
him in the chest.  "And just what might you be doing here, 
trespassing on private property?" he demanded.

"Well, I *might* be rescuing my wife from a bureaucratic
toad," Julian said dangerously, "but I think the relevant 
question is, what have you done to our ship?"

"Ah.  Well.  Tried the best we could, you know.  Too bad about
the.  With.  And.  Nothing we could do, such a pity.  With 
the, uh.  Uh?"

"Plague trout..." Harold offered weakly.

"No such thing," Aquila snapped.  She reached for her sword
and realized that it had been taken from her; she snatched
Julian's instead.  The professor's smile became somewhat 
sickly.

"I saw the ship sink," said Julian.  "Ships don't sink like
that.  Not unless they have quite a lot of assistance."

"Er, no, doesn't sound familiar, I'm afraid.  Haven't seen 
any ships sinking under suspicious circumstances around here.
Have you, Harold?"

"Nnh."

"See?"

Aquila tapped her foot.

                            -=*=-

Meanwhile, deep under the cave floor, combined total of 97
pounds of sugar shock had awakened and was exploring a fun 
and shiny new place of fascination and wonderment.

"Ooh, look at this!" said Mewly.  Catherine rushed over to 
join it in front of the controls of what the professor 
referred to as "the Big Lifty Thing."

"Ooooh," said Catherine, "what does *this* button do?"

                            -=*=-

Upstairs in the cave, the waters parted rather impressively
as the Aqua Terror rose from the depths.  Water streamed from
the decks, and when all was said and done the Aqua Terror 
floated calmly on the surface as though nothing had ever
happened to it, save that a strange metal device was now 
grafted onto the aft deck.

"Oh, *that* ship," said the professor.

"What do you think you're doing with my ship?" Aquila
demanded, waving Julian's sword.

"What am I doing?  What am I *doing*?"  The man hesitated.
"Harold, what *am* I doing?" he asked.

Harold cleared his throat with an embarrased cough.  "You're
trying to find a way into the Lost Forest of Ort, sir," he
whispered.

"Am I?" asked the professor, full volume.  "What the hell 
do I need a ship for, then?"

"The underwater passage?"

The professor was silent for a moment, and then the 
metaphorical light bulb lit over his head.  "Ah, yes.  Well,
since you asked so nicely, I shall tell you!  North of here
lies the fabled Lost Forest of Ort, rumored to contain the
ruins of an ancient, powerful civilization.  It is completely
surrounded by mountains, however, and to date no one has been
able to explore it.  But *I*!  *I* have discovered what I 
belive to be an underwater passage linking the ocean to a
lake in the center of the forest.  Using this ship as a 
starting point, I shall construct a...a...a Moving Around 
Under Water Without Drowning Ship, and find the lost ruins
of Ort!  That'll show those bastards back at the University
of Kussos!  Stuck-up old fools!  They called me mad!  Mad!"

"They never called you mad, sir," said Harold.

"An oversight on their part, I'm sure."

"They just kicked you out."

"That will do, Harold."

"That's all well and good," Julian said through gritted 
teeth, "but we really do need to *get* to Kussos as soon as 
possible."

The professor gave him a shrewd look.

"Then I may have a mutually beneficial proposition.  The
Forest of Ort could be dangerous, yes?  You have the look of
seasoned adventurers about you--if you will accompany me to
the Forest, I would be more than happy to drop you off in 
Kossos when I go to report my findings."

"Excuse me, *drop us off*?" said Aquila.  "This is *my*
*ship*!"

The professor squinted at her.  "What is it you do again?"

"I'm...a pirate."

"Ah.  So...your job is taking things that don't belong to
you away from their owners?"

Aquila's jaw clenched.

"Then you're hardly in a position to complain.  Try to
consider it an occupational risk.  I do hope you're going to
see reason about this.  Otherwise I may have to have Harold
throw you all in the parlor."

They stared at him.

"It does lack a certain viability as a threat," he admitted.
"Oh well, I'd hoped it wouldn't come to this..."

Another door opened in the rock face, and a huge, sparking, 
spike-covered *thing* with entirely too many moving parts for
any safety inspector to approve of trundled out.

"This is the Electro-Mangulator Mk IV," he said.  "I do hope
you're not going to make me test it."

Wordlessly, they shook their heads.

"Oh, good.  We leave tomorrow."

                            -=*=-

The next morning found the lot of them on board an Aqua Terror
that looked, suspiciously, almost identical to the way it 
had before.

"I don't like this," said Darrow.  "I don't like ships.  The
only thing I can think of worse than traveling over water 
on a ship is traveling *under* water *in* a ship."

"I am agreeink mit Darrow," said Hans.  "Zhips, zey supposed
to ztay above zhe vater, ja?"

"Nonsense, nonsense," said the professor.  "The ride should
be much smoother, and I'm sure it won't be any more than 
five or ten times more dangerous than traveling above the
waves."

"Couldn't you have turned it into an airship instead?" asked
Darrow.

"Don't be stupid," said the professor.  "Everybody knows 
airships can't fly over mountains."

With that, he herded everone below deck.  Much of the space
formerly devoted to bunks for the crew had been overtaken by
hastily assembled conglomerations of gears, belts, wheels,
and pulleys.

"Harold, pull the Big Sinky Lever."

Harold pulled a large, red lever near the door, and after a 
series of alarming clunks, the ship ponderously sank beneath
the waves.  Aquila stared ill-temperedly out a port hole as
the water level grew ever higher; a passing saltwater bass
caught her gaze and quickly darted away.

When everything had settled down, the professor clapped a 
hand on Hans's shoulder.  "So, my boy," he said, "how would 
you like to pedal first?"

"Pedal?"

"Well, *something's* got to make the ship move.  The sails
won't be much use under water."

What ensued could hardly be called a pleasant journey.
Steering was very much an uncertain thing, as it was
impossible to see straight ahead; it took a great deal of 
experimenting with the Big Sinky Lever to find a depth that
would allow them to travel without crashing into things on
the sea floor; and above all, the cabin was soon pervaded 
with the distinct scent of barbarian B.O.

After about four hours' journey, the professor located the 
passage in an otherwise sheer rock face, and clumsily 
maneuvered the partially blind ship into it.  Immediately
there was a creaking, followed by a sharp splintering sound.

"Oh well," said the professor, "we'll get less drag without 
the mast."  It took the combined strength of Julian, Darrow,
and Harold to prevent Aquila from throttling him on the spot.

Navigating the passage was an adventure in itself.  For one
thing, the only light came from inside the ship itself, and
for another, the passage was really too small for a ship of
the Aqua Terror's size.  After a few sharp impacts, resulting
in a number of slow leaks in the hull, the professor reduced
speed to a crawl.  After two more hours of undiluted horror,
sunlight finally began to filter down through the water again,
and Harold reversed the Big Sinky Lever.

The ship now floated on a brackish lake, surrounded by a
narrow strip of beach, and then trees as far as the eye could
see.  In short order, the surly crew burst on deck, gasping 
for fresh air.

"Now, wasn't that invigorating?" asked the professor.

Hans keeled over.

Darrow looked around, unimpressed.  "Wow," he said.  "I'm 
sure glad we almost died for this."

"Well," said the professor, "I expect we'll have to hoof it
a bit before we come to the huge ruined metal buildings and 
giant killer death robots that still work after thousands and
thousands of years of neglect."

"...Giant killer death robots?" 

"What good is an ancient lost civilization without giant
killer death robots, I always say.  Of course," he admitted,
as he lowered the longboat and prodded them into it, "there
could be ancient multi-headed monster guardians and cursed
remnants of a bygone era, as well."

A few minutes later, the longboat landed gently on the beach.

"Can ve ztop to eat now?" Hans asked plaintively.  "I really
vorked up an appetite in zhere."

The professor blinked.  "*Food*," he said.  "I knew there was
something I was forgetting..."  He was approximately 0.84 
seconds from death when fate intervened.

"Hold!" boomed a massive voice.  Julian turned around and 
discovered, to his dismay, that it belonged to an equally 
massive man, one clad in oddly spiky and organic-looking 
black full-plate armor.  The visor of his helmet was, rather
unimaginatively, made to look like a skull.  Adding to the
unpleasantries was the fact that he was mounted on a huge
beast with three heads--specifically, a goat, a lion, and a
frilled lizard.

"Fascinating," said the professor.  "Two for three, right
off the bat."  He looked around for any sign of giant killer
death robots, and was disappointed.

"Who tresspasses to dare in the sacred Ort of Forest?  Er,
Forest of sacred Ort?  Ort...  Oh, bother.  Look, do you mind
if we start this over again?  I'm frightfully out of practice,
you see.  We haven't had visitors in quite a while, have we,
Lucille?"  The knight patted his mount on its closest head.

"Er, okay," said Julian.

"Oh, grand.  Now let me see...  Hold, who *dares* to 
*tresspass* in the sacred *Forest* of *Ort*.  Yes, I think 
that's got it."  The knight raised his visor, revealing the 
face of a kindly old man with preposterously huge and bushy
white mustaches.  "Say, is that a Moving Around Under Water
Without Drowning Ship?  I haven't seen one of those in ages."

"Who *are* you?" asked Julian.

"I am the dreaded Black Knight Zertivex, crusher of small 
villages, conqueror of the tri-county area!  Er, at least
I think I am.  Or used to be.  It's hard to tell anymore... 
I've forgotten who I am on a number of occasions, you see.
I'm feeling fairly lucid today.  I did say Zertivex, didn't I?
Good.  I've been known to claim to be an elven haberdasher
on occasion, so if I do that, don't believe me, please."  He
sighed.  "It's been such a very long time, you see, and
sometimes, I think I forget lots of things.  Yes.  I forget
things...so very, very many things."  He paused.  "Except the
voices," he whispered.  "Sometimes I can still *feel* the
voices, at night, crawling through my brain..."

The twinkle in his eyes had faded, and his voice had taken
on the horrible quality of a man who finds that the abyss is
not content merely to stare back.  Arica shuddered and drew
closer to Julian.  She had seen eyes like that before.

Then he brought his hands together with a clang, and all was
as it was before.  "So, anyone up for a spot of tea and some
light lunch?" he asked.  "It is so nice when we can entertain
guests, isn't it, Lucille?"

Lucille grunted happily.  Then, quick as lightning, she ate 
Mewly.

"Mewly!" cried Catherine.

Arica rolled her eyes.  "Don't worry, princess," she sighed.
"That won't even slow Mewly down."

"I know," Catherine sniffed.  "But it'll be so dark and lonely
in there!"

"Really, now, Lucille!" Sir Zertivex scolded.  "That's no way
to treat our guests!"

"Please, don't worry about it," said Julian sincerely.

"You're certain?  Oh, good.  I hate to start off on the wrong
foot.  Follow me, please!"

Sir Zertivex led them to a small clearing, where a roofless 
and partially collapsed stone house stood.  Inside, he 
lit a fire and puttered around the ruined kitchen until he 
found eight drinking vessels, or approximations thereof, and
bade them all sit around a stone slab that he evidently used
as a table.

"Zo," said Hans.  "You have been here a lonk time?"

"Oh, ages, ages," said Sir Zertivex.  "Not sure how long,
exactly--my calendar rotted within the first hundred years
or so, I figure."

"Vhat happened here, zhen?"

"Well, everything was absolutely spiffing--you know, towering
buildings, Adding Things Up machines, Going Around Under 
Water Without Drowning ships, whole buildings made of
cheese--no, I tell a lie, I made that last one up, because you
see, the last cow around here died about a thousand years ago,
and I haven't had a really good cheese since--all that sort
of thing, until one day this bunch of druids found some new
gods.  I've never been too sure about that part."

Julian and Arica exchanged a meaningful look.

"I mean," said Sir Zertivex, "finding new gods.  How?  Do you
just open a desk drawer and say, 'Oh look, Marvin, I've found
some new gods'?  Anyway, one day they came to me--the druids,
that is--and said 'Oh dreaded Black Knight Zertivex, crusher
of small villages and conqueror of the tri-county area,' or 
words to that effect, 'we need a champion for our new gods
that we have just found, etc.'  Well, it sounded like a fairly
nifty job, so I accepted.  That's when the voices started,
of course..."  He trailed off for a moment and got that 
distant, horrified look in his eyes again.  "Ahem.  Then one
day some big strapping chappies in bright armor came riding 
into town.  Next thing I knew, FOOM!"

"Foom?" asked Hans.

"FOOM!" Sir Zertivex agreed.

Julian and Arica exchanged another meaningful look.

"Vhat did zhey do?"

"I'm not sure," said Sir Zertivex.  "I was out conquering the
tri-county area at the time, you see.  All I know is, when I
came back there was a whacking great mountain range around 
the place, and the druids and their new gods were gone.  Well,
I say gone, but the druids were technically still there, just
spread rather *thinly*, as I recall.  Oh, and in the middle 
of town, or what was left of town, there was this absolutely
beautiful woman, dressed all in white and glowing softly, and
she had these delicate lacy wings made entirely of cheese--no,
sorry, there it is again--and she told me that to atone for
my crimes I would wander this forest forever, until I had 
found and slain the Ravenous Grunk.  She's the one who gave 
me the bit to say about daring and trespassing and such."

"The Ravenous Grunk?" asked Julian.

"A fantastic beast with three heads, like those of a goat, a
lion, and a frilled lizard."

As one, they turned to stare at Lucille, who burped happily.
Darrow started to open his mouth, but Arica laid a gentle 
hand on his arm.

"Do you know, so far every guest we've had has reacted that 
way?  I've never been able to figure out why."

"Er," said Julian.  "So, do you have guests often?"

"No, no.  No.  Not very often, no.  Every couple hundred years
or so.  Someone gets caught in a freak tornado or dropped off
by a dragon or a roc or something.  Had a fellah with gills
come out of the lake a while back.  Bit of a mess, that--
Lucille thought he was a fish at first and tried to eat his
arm.  He was really most unreasonable about it.  Wouldn't even
stay for a second cup."

Outside, Lucille began making hacking, rasping nosies.

"Furball, old girl?" Sir Zertivex called.  "Remember, spit 
away from the house this time!"

Harold quietly put down his tea.

After a sickening retch, Lucille coughed once and expelled 
Mewly quite forcefully into a tree.  Julian swore under his 
breath as Catherine dashed outside.  He hoped she had sense
enough to dunk it in the lake before bringing it inside.

"Oh!" said Sir Zertivex.  "There was another one, too, quite
recently.  I think.  Big, strapping chappie.  Real wild man 
of the woods sort of fellah.  I nearly forgot about him, 
because he wouldn't stay for tea.  Made straight for the
ruins."

Julian and Arica exchanged a third meaningful look.

"He went into the ruins?" asked Arica.

"Oh, yes, like a whatsit into a thingy."  He paused.  "It's 
odd, but it seems like the voices were quite loud that day."

"But aren't you supposed to be guarding the ruins?"

"Am I?" said Sir Zertivex, horrified.  "Oh dear!  All these 
years I've just been asking people who dared to trespass!  Oh,
my, my, my, this is a shock."

"I think," said Julian, "we might should take a look at these
ruins."

                            -=*=-

Author's Notes:

Not my greatest work.  Between transliterating old German 
music treatises and finally getting my hands on a PS2, my 
attention was fairly severely divided.  I feel bad about 
devoting far more time to secondary characters than to the 
main cast, but at least it advances the plot, and I like to
think that Sir Zertivex is at least a fun character.  Thanks
to W4 for last-minute proofing.