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SENSHI MUYOU! 

Episode 22 - Call of the Wlid
This part by Mervyn the Wonder Slug
 
Original concept by Mervyn the Wonder Slug

Hosted by Indie Madnesse
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It was not turning out to be a relaxing day.  Fushin 
normally traveled to the mall only under grave duress, so 
the trip itself was stress enough.  The presence of so many 
small, ill-behaved children, and particularly of the extra-
sugary one threatening to yank his arm out of its socket, 
made him feel downright edgy.

But when one's coworkers start dropping out of the rafters 
and threatening the general populace, "stressed" and "edgy"
will no longer cut the mustard.  Fushin was vexed.  He may
even have been annoyed.  This called for action.

"Yuriko!" he called, standing firmly and with righteous 
indignation.  The crowds parted before him as the Red Sea
before Moses, which was nice, although the effect was rather
spoiled by Nadako clinging to his arm like a large and not 
especially intelligent barnacle.  "Yuriko!  Have you so 
little loyalty to Amalgamated Amalgamation, Inc., that you 
have taken to entertaining small children in ridiculous 
costumes--you, that is, not the children--when you could 
instead be sorting paper clips?  For shame!"

Yuriko paused in mid point-and-laugh and peered at him from
under the visor of her helmet.  Her jaw slackened slightly,
and her vision went momentarily out of focus.  And then her
brain, unable to process Fushin's complete and unabashed
missing of the point, instead focused on the vibrating 
ball of fluff latched securely to his non-gesturing arm.

The crowd, prudently, backed farther away.  Some of its more
perceptive members began attempting to attract the attention
of the security personel.

"You," Yuriko hissed, heedless of the lack of sibilants in
the word "you."  She drew her sword and leveled it at 
Nadako, paused for a moment to let tension build, then
charged while emitting a bloodcurdling battle cry.

"Eek!  Fushin, save me!" Nadako squealed.  Fortunately for
her, ancient warrior instincts engraved upon Fushin's 
hindbrain told him that the sword was very real, and he
leaped out of the way.  Yuriko thundered past them and
desperately tried to skid to a halt before embedding the
tip of her sword in a cheap plaster pilaster.

While she was trying to yank it free, Fushin cast about for
anywhere he could unobtrusively slip into and change.  He
spotted an abandoned cell phone service sign-up kiosk and
leapt over the counter, Nadako still sticking to him like 
an extremely nervous leech.

                *****************************

Uzume's generals slumped melancholically in the back seat 
of her newly-acquired limousine (a steal at only $137,000).
Schein questioned the wisdom of allowing her to drive it
herself, but so far they hadn't violated too many traffic
laws and seemed to be staying broadly on the correct side
of the street, and it wasn't as though any of them had a 
valid driver's licence anyway.  Except Shiryo, who wasn't
really in a condition to go anywhere.  Through the 
partition, Uzume could occasionally be seen to lean over and
give other drivers her Rude Gesture of Happiness and Terror.

At first sight the generals seemed to have merged into one
shapeless brown mass, but in fact they were simply wearing
shapeless brown corduroy suits.  Marais was the only 
exception, being clad in jeans and a t-shirt bearing the 
legend "Born To Be Wlid" and a number of small foodstains.
He was also playing with a Marais action figure.

"What does 'wlid' mean?" wondered Tallis, breaking the 
silence.

Schein stared gloomily out the window.  "Some sort of small,
root-eating mammal, I believe," he said.

A thougtful pause ensued as the others tried this phrase in
their heads.  Marais looked down at his shirt and shrugged.

"That...doesn't make much sense," said Tallis.  "Why would
anyone want to be a small, root-eating mammal?"

"Tax reasons, possibly."

"..."

"I still don't see why we have to wear these stupid 
disguises," Varese muttered.  "I've never worn anything so
vulgar in my life.  I'd *die* if I thought I'd meet anyone
I know."

"It's a good thing you're in disguise, then," Marais said.
Varese glared flaming death at him, and he quietly returned
to his toys.

"Corduroy makes me look fat," Tallis said mournfully.

Schein sighed.  Although his sentiments about his current
attire weren't too far removed from theirs, somehow the 
complaints seemed much less valid coming from other people.

"Just bear with it," he said.  "Unless, of course, you 
want to be pawed and handled by a clot of snot-nosed kids
with grubby hands."

"Yes, fine," Varese snarled, "but why doesn't *he* have to 
wear it?"

The three of them looked at Marais.  They looked at his 
shirt.  Surely not even the grubbiest and snottiest of 
children would voluntarily have touched him.

"I'm just the cameraman," Marais said, smiling at Varese in
his most winning fashion, which tended to put people in mind
of a loveable dog who has just discovered something filthy 
and disgusting to roll in.  "Nobody's gonna recognize me,
gel boy."

"Then you shouldn't get an action figure!" Varese snapped,
snatching the mini-Marais from his hands.  He scrutinized
it closely.

"Hey, give that back!" said Marais, making a lunge for it.
Varase leaned away, crushing Tallis in the process, and held
it above his head.

"Unf!  Gff off mff!"

"It's not even very lifelike, is it?" Varese taunted.  "I 
mean, it ought at least to have burrito parts smeared all 
over its face, and it hardly stinks at all."

Marais responded by placing Varese in a headlock and 
administering repeated noogies.

"Schein!" wailed Tallis.  "Marais and Varese are fighting!"

At that point, Uzume made a sudden and violent left turn,
such that the occupants of the back seat were flung against
the opposite side.  Schein's reply, whatever it may have
been, was therefore rather muffled by Marais's back.  The 
limousine skidded around another corner on two wheels, 
piling the generals back on top of Tallis, then screeched to
a halt in a parking spot, or rather, three of them.  The 
generals caromed forward, faces impacting on the glass
partition, which Uzume then lowered.

"We're here!" she said.  "So put on your happy faces...er,
or at least try not to look so flattened."

                *****************************

Carlisle's tail twitched irritably as she and Whittington
sat on the sofa and awaited Sachiko's return.

"Hey, relax," said Whittington.  "It's probably nothing.
I mean, sure it might seem odd, and there might be a 
tangible aura of ominous forboding hanging in the air, but
that doesn't necessarily mean anything's *wrong.*"

Carlisle buried her face in her paws.  "Thank you,
Whittington," she said.  "That was very comforting."

"'S'what I'm here for," he yawned, and turned over on his
back.

Carlisle got up and padded over to the open window.  She had
leapt up on the sill and was looking down the street when
a sudden voice from the bushes made her jump and whack her
head.

"Looking for your boring friend?" it asked.

Carlisle shook her head to clear her vision.  "Macavity,"
she muttered.  "Just who I least wanted to see."

"Hey now, you'll hurt my feelings."

"What do you *want*, Macavity?"

Macavity made a great show of bathing his left paw.  When
he was finished, he flicked his tail twice and said, "Oh,
I just thought I'd give you the chance to thank me."

"FOR WHAT?"

"Oh, I thought your boring friend looked a little lonely,
so I set him up on a little date.  Who knows, maybe he'll
get lucky, or--"

"With that walking case of sugar shock?!  Eyuch!
Whittington!" she called, ducking her head back inside the
house.  When she looked down again, she was rather
unsurprised to see Macavity wasn't there.

"Some day," she rasped, "I'm going to find out how he does
that."

Sachiko rounded the corner then, with Meryl and Kagi in
tow.  Carlisle jumped down onto the sidewalk and scampered
to meet them.

"Any news?" asked Sachiko.

Carlisle sighed.  "Well, it appears that Fushin and Nadako
are together, wherever they are."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

"Debatable," said Carlisle.  "But that doesn't bring us any
closer to knowing where they are."

"I think there might be something odd going on at the mall,"
Meryl volunteered.  "I don't know if it's related or not."

"Is that some sort of psychic premonition?" asked 
Whittington, as he sauntered up.

"No, I just heard on the radio that there was a record 
turnout for some new toy line, when a woman in armor dropped
out of the ceiling and started menacing people."

Carlisle sweatdropped.  "Well," she said, "we'd better check
it out, in any case."

Sachiko heaved a despondant sigh.  "It would be nice if 
Fushin weren't the only one with a car," she said.  "The
mall's pretty far away."

Whittington opened his mouth, but Carlisle slapped a paw
over it.  "No," she said.  "Under no circumstances are you
ever to bring up the Whirling Dismembermobile again.  Ever.
Besides, I poured concrete in the fuel tank."

"Whirling...Dismembermobile?" asked Sachiko.

The cats avoided one another's gaze.  "The Blade Beauties
again," Whittington not-really-explained.

There was a pause for the stowing away of unpleasant images.

Then Kagi enthused, "I think I might be able to help.  I've
been practicing."

Before anyone could protest, he closed his eyes and started
swaying back and forth.  A glowing blue portal slowly opened
above the lawn, and, as a mysterious invisible choir intoned
a series of reverent harmonies, a 1980 Chevy Malibu (in navy
blue) dropped out of it, crushing an innocent forsythia 
bush.

"Erm," he said.

"...Kagi," said Carlisle, "promise me you'll never, ever
become involved in a combat situation."

                *****************************

Large portions of the mall had now been cordoned off and
evacuated, as Fushin and Yuriko danced back in forth in a 
swift and perilous duel.  It was made more perilous by 
Nadako, who tried to "help" by firing random happy cheerful
rays of doom more or less at random.  Since Yuriko was not
a youma, she felt very little inclination to shrivel up and
crumble into dust, so the only real effect of Nadako's 
efforts was to create a number of trecherous potholes into
which someone might accidentally step.

It was into this situation that Uzume cheerfully burst.  She
had sent the generals off to find a changing room while she
prepped the crowd, so when she appeared in a shower of 
glitter and fairy dust in front of the toy store, she was
rather disappointed.

"Ano, where are all the people?" she wondered.  "Eep!" she
then eep!ed, as a stray blast from Nadako singed her hair.
"Oooh, you're a naughty little girl!  It's not nice to try
to blow Queen Uzume's head off!"

"Nyah!" said Nadako, sticking out her tongue.  "I know who
you are.  You're the mean, nasty Dark Queen who wants to 
take over the world!"

"No, no, no!  I'm the nice, cheerful Dark Queen who wants to
make everyone happy, and if you say otherwise I'll...I'll
rip the soul from your body and jump up and down on it and 
feed it through the paper shredder and make it wear 
unfashionable clothes to school!  So there!"

Nadako could hardly believe her luck.  She'd only just 
become a magical girl, and already she had the chance to off
the Dark Queen.  That was probably some sort of speed record
or something.

In thinking this, she failed to consider a number of things.
First, the offing of a Dark Queen traditionally requires a 
long and dramatic buildup, involving a sequence of 
increasingly powerful minions and generals, the discovery
of new powers, the gaining of combat experience, and the 
making of new friends.  Nadako had undergone precisely none
of that.  Second, she did not stop to consider that Uzume
might well fire back.

"Special Joy Joy Escalation Activation!" she yelled.

Uzume eep!ed once more, and then responded with a "Blazing 
Catastrophe of Pain and Fun!" (As a paid-up Dark Queen, she
of course did not have to shout her attacks at the top of 
her lungs, but like Dark Magical Princess Moonshine, she 
thought it was more dramatic that way.)

This time it was Nadako who eep!ed as a wave of dark (but
cute and fun) energy gouged a long, jagged furrow into the
floor tiles beside her.  What she thought would be a quick,
cut-and-dry confrontation quickly degenerated into the two 
of them running around in circles and flinging energy blasts
at each other.

The duel between Fushin and Yuriko was, relatively speaking,
the eye of the storm.

Fushin had gone through the usual protocol of "Why are you
doing this?", "How are you doing this?", etc., but since 
every question was met with a "HA!" and a vicious upward
swipe, he quickly decided to stay alive now and ask 
questions later.  The fight had been going on for some forty
minutes or so by this point, and both of them were clearly
starting to tire.  The effort of not tripping over Nadako's
array of craters was a major contributor to the impending
exhaustion.

The both paused for a brief breather.  Then, without 
warning, Yuriko's arm snaked out and seized the sleeve of
Uzume's dress as she ran past.

"Ulp!" she said, as Yuriko yanked her in and held her sword
to Uzume's neck.

"Oh dear," she said.

Fushin struck a dramatic pose, sword at the ready.  "Unhand
that...innocent...archvillainess..." he declamed, a trifle 
uncertainly.

"Don't even breathe," Yuriko snapped, her eyes contriving to
indicate that he had done a stupid thing.  "Drop the sword."
Uzume nodded slightly but very fervently in agreement.  

Fushin's sword clattered on the floor, reverting into 
paperclip form.

                *****************************

"Check, and checkmate," Rei murmured.  "And Macavity's
pawn in danger as well."

=| But the Marble...  |=

"Yes.  I must ensure that this...'Tewwance'...does not
fully reawaken."

                *****************************

In accordance with the laws of dramatic timing, Uzume's
generals--or at least her three elves and one dressed-
down general--made their big appearance at this point.
Not having the slightest clue who Yuriko was, they naturally
assumed her to be with Fushin.

"Save the Queen!" Marais bellowed.

"Marais, you idiot!--" Schein yelled, reaching out for his
shoulder, but by that time Marais was already running, a
ball of evil-looking flame in one hand.  He wound up and
lobbed it toward the center of the room.

"Ooh, more bad guys!" said Nadako.  "Shiny Happy Beautiful
Princess Cheer will not forgive you!  Happy Shiny People
Dying!"

The canary-yellow blast and the ball of evil flame collided
with a damp, shuddering thump that filled whole area with a
pall of black smoke and, incidentally, blew a large section
of the roof off the top of the building.

Amidst the fits of coughing and wheezing came a resounding
*gonnnnnnnggg* as an acoustic ceiling tile scythed down out
of the sky and rebounded off Yuriko's helmet.  She blinked
once, slowly, and then crumpled, pushing Uzume into Fushin's
arms in the process.

When the smoke cleared, Yuriko was out on the floor and 
Uzume was glomping a puzzled-looking Fushin.

"Wai!  You saved me!  Thankyou thankyou!"

"Uh...wait a minute..." said Marais.

"Yay!" Nadako shouted.  "Happy Shiny Beautiful Princess 
Cheer has defeated the bad woman and saved the evil queen!"
Then her eyes widened in shock as her brain parsed the 
sentence that had just left her mouth.  "Oh NO!  Mr. Kitty!"
she wailed, turning and running off in some random 
direction.  "Mr. Kitty!  Where are you?  I think I messed 
up!"

"air," gasped Fushin.  He collapsed, as Uzume released him
and bounded cheerfully over to her minions as though nothing
out of the ordinary had happened.

"Let's go," she chirped.

"But, my Queen..." Schein started.

"Come on, silly, there are plenty of other malls in the 
city!  Besides, I want to drive the limo again."

The generals groaned as she herded them toward the exit.
"Do I have to put the suit on again?" Varese whined.

Fushin gave their retreating backs a puzzled glance, then
turned his attentions to Yuriko.  He rolled her onto her
back and took her helmet off.  Her eyes fluttered as he did
so.

"Fushin?" she asked.  "Where am I?  What happened?  And...
why are you wearing that ridiculous outfit?"

"Ah.  Oh.  Er.  Well, you see..."

                *****************************

As the Chevy Malibu puttered into the parking lot of the 
mall, its occupants took note of the dissipating pillar of
smoke and the fragments of roof strewn about the area.

"Looks like we're a bit late," Whittington remarked.

"You could say that," said Carlisle.  Her head snapped
around at the faint sound of someone swearing violently in
the distance.  It seemed to be coming from the appartment
building across the street.

In Yuriko's appartment, the vase rocked and tottered on its
table as it emitted the most bloodcurdling string of curses
imaginable.

"It appears I must lay low for a while," Rei's voice 
muttered, once the swearing had stopped.

=| But a good tool shall not be discarded |=
=| without a fight...                     |=

=| Next time, chance shall not intervene. |=


                *****************************

Author's notes:

Short, but life conspires against us all.  I tried to 
edge Rei into a clearer position as the prime mover and 
shaker among the villainous forces at work here, playing all
sides off each other for mysterious goals of her own.  Uzume
clearly isn't quite up to the task--I think Uzume is, at her
worst, diet evil: just one calorie--and our superfluous 
senshi have to have some threat to combat, after all ^_^