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SENSHI MUYOU! 

Episode 17 - Call Me Crazy...
By Mervyn the Wonder Slug
 
Original concept by Mervyn the Wonder Slug (c) 1999, 2000

Hosted by Indie Madnesse
(http://www.students.rhodes.edu/~knoke/indie/indie.html)
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Last time on Senshi Muyou!...

Uzume convinced Magical Princess Moonshine that she really was
a Dark Queen of Happiness and therefore nothing to worry about.
Moonshine was "adopted" and became Dark Princess Moonshine, 
although aside from a wardrobe change there doesn't seem to be 
much difference.  She and Happy Shiny Beautiful Princess Cheer 
then blew up an ice cream parlor instead of each other.  Schein 
discovered an unnerving superfluity of black stilettos, whilst 
numerous spurious Agents met an untimely demise due to poor 
structural integrity in the deepest depths of Prudence's castle.

And somewhere, a clown died.  But that's beside the point.

                  ***************************

No, actually, it isn't.  The clown in question was none other 
than the great Tweezo the Magnificent, one of the greatest 
espionage experts ever to grace the circus industry.  Tweezo 
could find anything, given enough time.  Tweezo had been in and
out of Soviet Russia more times than you could shake a stick of
greasepaint at.  He'd hidden in Deng Xiaoping's sock drawer for
over a week and no one had ever been the wiser.  He knew 
Checkpoint Charlie as Checkpoint Chuck.  And the world had never
seen a more gifted man with a bottle of seltzer and a bucket of 
whitewash down the trousers.

And now he was dead.  The news rocked the clown world, but 
perhaps no one was hit quite so hard as Bozo Nishida.  Because
Tweezo had been stalking...the Agent.  His death bore all the 
signs of the Agent's work.  This worried Bozo, because no one 
had ever heard of the Agent killing an ordinary mortal.  It 
could only mean one thing, namely that Tweezo had finally proven
too good for his own safety.  And after a moment of reverent 
silence, Bozo began very seriously to fear for his life.

He'd tipped his hand when he applied for the job.  He realized
that now.  It had been stupid to reveal anything to Nyuyokumiru,
his prime suspect.  Oh dear.  It would be best to play dumb, 
perhaps spend some time obviously investigating the wrong 
person.  But on the other hand, if he could find out exactly 
what Tweezo had been doing, he could probably get a definite 
confirmation of his suspicions...

Nah.  Safety first.

Fortunately, it wouldn't prove necessary.

                  ***************************

Fushin awoke that morning after another strange dream.  He 
assumed it was another message from his long-dead and large-
lung'd ancestor, but if so it seemed some wires had gotten 
crossed somewhere.  For one thing, he hadn't remembered Ikuji 
having rabbit ears, juggling vases and car keys, wearing a 
sailor fuku, or riding a unicycle.  And he certainly hadn't been
singing old Ethel Merman songs.  Perhaps it had been the ramen 
he'd had last night.  It had seemed a little dodgy.

(In fact, that's the sort of thing that happens when too many
premonitions try to get through at once.  But Fushin didn't know
that.

Well, except for the Ethel Merman part.  That realy was the
ramen.)

Fushin rose and showered, intent on going in to the office 
before Whittington showed up and stopped him.  Even though he
was keeping up with his work at home it just wasn't the same 
somehow.  It lacked the comfort of routine.

Soon he was on the bus and then he was at work and in his 
cubicle and Yuriko was glomping his arm and all was blessedly
normal.

Wait, back up.

"Good morning, Fushin-chan," said Yuriko.  "I thought you were
still on vacation?"

"Oh, Yuriko-san...  Good morning.  I just came in to make sure 
I was not getting behind."

"Oh," said Yuriko, with slightly less perk.  "I see.  But anyway,
I'm glad you're here.  I've got an invitation to a costume party
tonight and I was wondering..."

Pause.

"Yes?" Fushin said helpfully.

Oh goodness, did she have to spell it out that clearly?

"Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come with me."

"Oh, but I don't have anything to wear," said Fushin, shoving his
corporate bushi suit to the back of his mind.  "And I'm afraid
tonight is the monthly Philatelist's Club meeting.  But thank you
for asking, Yuriko-san."

He politely disengaged himself and puttered amiably away.

Damn!

                  ***************************

Dark Princess Moonshine had returned to Uzume's castle a sad and
ice-creamless girl.  After a good night's sleep she felt much 
better, although she did feel guilty that she and the strange 
girl in the pretty dress had ruined someone's livelihood.  And 
Mr. Kitty had almost been hurt, too!  It was a good thing Miss 
Uzume was so generous with her brother's money.

Moonshine dressed in her new wardrobe and wandered down to the 
dining hall, where Uzume and Shiryo were eating breakfast.

"Good morning!" Uzume said cheerfully.  Shiryo made a vague 
noise of acknowledgment and returned his bleary eyes to the 
paper.  He was reading about mysteriously exploding ice cream 
parlors; in a few days he'd be quite surprised to learn he'd 
paid for one.

"Say," said Uzume, "could you do me a teensy little favor?"

"What is it?" asked Moonshine.

"Well, I'd really like to go visit some of the cast members in 
the hospital, but I need to oversee the preperations for our big
park promotional event today."

Shiryo lowered his paper in shock.

Dark Princess Moonshine powerposed.  This was exactly what she 
needed!  A good deed to cheer her up after the tragic loss of 
ice cream!  "Of course!" she proclaimed.  "I shall spread 
happiness to the injured and make Daddy proud!  I shall cheer 
their paths to recovery from...uh, what happened to them?"

Uzume hesitated.  She didn't think it entirely wise to tell her 
that they had been hospitalized for severe Youmabibble injuries.

"They slipped on a wet floor," she said cheerfully, and it 
wasn't lying because it was techinically true.  It had simply
been the least of their worries at the time.

Once Moonshine had departed on her errand of mercy, and Shiryo 
had gotten control of his eyebrow twitch, he turned to Uzume and
said: "Today?!  You're starting preparations already?"

"Uh-huh.  The show's scheduled for tomorrow, silly.  Didn't you 
get my memo?"

Shiryo's mind drifted to his desk, which was absolutely awash 
with little slips of paper, most of them with exhorbitant sums 
at the bottom.  It was probably there somewhere, along with a
larcenous bill for all the production costs.

"It's going to be expensive, isn't it," he stated flatly.

"Oh no," said Uzume.  "The platform won't cost much at all, and
I only hired thirty or forty extra cast members for the 
performance.  And I figure we could save money if I just had the
crew work for five or six hours straight and get everything put 
together in one go."

Shiryo paled as he mentally calculated the accrued union 
overtime rates this would result in.  When she got to the part 
about getting the thirty-minute fireworks show for "practically 
nothing, considering," he made a small noise and fainted into 
his cereal.

"Shiryo?  Shiryo?  Have you been getting enough sleep?"

                  ***************************

Someplace far away and yet entirely too close...

Rei stirred the fire idly, and this would have been mildly 
disconcerting for any observers, as she hadn't apparently moved.
Images flickered briefly in the flames and then distended slowly
upward in the smoke. Rei shifted her gaze to the chessboard, 
which shimmered in the flickering orange light.

It was an immensely complicated construct.  Gary Kasparov would 
wet himself if he ever saw it.  Deep Blue would blow a fuse.  
For one thing, there were at least four sides.  In addition to 
the standard ivory and ebony, there were pieces of jade and 
cat's eye, and many whose color and composition were not at all 
clear.  Rei watched, glassy-eyed, as the pieces floated lazily 
from square to square.

Then something flickered on the very bottom board.  A faint 
shape hovered uncertainly for a moment, attempting to ascend to 
a higher level.

"This will not do," Rei murmured.

=| This was supposed to have been dealt with... |=

=| The Marble seeks a new host. I see I shall   |=
=| have to be more resourceful.                 |=

=| But this is...bothersome.  It may force my   |=
=| hand.  I do not like that.                   |=

Rei hesitated for a moment.

"Perhaps the time for subtlety nears an end.  But first, I may
yet have another piece."

Rei shut her eyes for a long moment.  At last a faint smile 
began to play about her lips.  "Perfect," she said.

The fire flared.

                  ***************************

Dark Princess Moonshine went to the hospital with every intention
of fulfilling her errand of mercy.  But she never made it past 
the cage with the cute little bunny-wunnykins in it.

"OOH!  A bunny!" she said.

"I'd stay back if I were you," an orderly said nervously.  "It's
kind of aggressive..."

"Cute Mr. Bunny!" said Moonshine, paying no heed and hauling the
rabbit out of the cage by its ears.  It looked at her with flat,
dead eyes.

"Foolish child," it rasped.  "Soon the [Void] shall triumph and
all your world shall be as ash."

At this point the orderly wisely opted to flee screaming down the
hall.

Moonshine, however simply gaped in shock.  "You can talk!" she
said, stating the obvious.  "Just like Tewwance!  Would you like
to be my new advisor, Mr. Bunny?"

"I care nothing for your well-being or the suwvival of this 
pathetic plane.  To trust youwself to me is to pledge youw 
soul to the nevewending dawkness of the [Void]."

After much thought, Moonshine interpreted this as a "Yes" and
tucked the rabbit under her arm, skipping merrily away.

I am fwee, it thought, and soon, soon the wowld will suffew the 
wwath of Lord [Bun-Bun]...but something's not wight hewe...  And
why do I have a sudden cwaving fow daisies?

                  ***************************

While Moonshine consorted with evil, Uzume and Shiryo took a 
stroll in the park.  Well, perhaps "stroll" is the wrong word.
It implies a certain relaxation, and Shiryo's acute sense of
impending financial doom was keeping him anything but relaxed.
He tried telling himself that the fear was worse than the pain,
just like at the dentist's, but when Uzume's pavillion hove into
view his jaw hit the pavement.

"*That's* the platform?" he demanded.

It was HUGE.  And it glittered and sparkled and gleamed.  The
scenery on top of it, the Youmabibble's Merry Glade, was 
breathtakingly detailed; Shiryo was ready to wager it would have
been cheaper to import an actual deciduous forest and use it
instead.

"Isn't it neat?" said Uzume, with a quick bounce.  "Come on, let
me show you all the special effects!"

She seized Shiryo's arm and hauled him after her.  With his free
hand he attempted to loosen the collar of his robe.  It was times
like this that he longed for home, where the only thing he had
to worry about was that horrible old woman with the Corvette and
the dog that kept leaving presents on his lawn.

He tuned out the litany of expenses and cast about with glazed 
eyes.  Schein, Varese, and Tallis (or Perky, Cheery, and Smiley,
respectively) were rehersing their choreographed dance number
in their ridiculously tight costumes.  Shiryo took comfort in 
knowing that he was not the only one to suffer.

Then he caught sight of Nyuro.  He'd never liked the oily little
man, but lately he'd seemed even shiftier than usual.  Now he 
was unmistakeably lurking with suspicious intent.  Shiryo's brow
furrowed, but before he could consider the matter further Uzume
seized his braid and dragged him down a ladder.

"And this is where I'll make my big entrance," said Uzume.

It was a small room under the platform, with a hole in the 
cieling and a very expensive-looking hydraulic lift underneath
it.

Shiryo rubbed his temples.  "Uzume," he said, "wouldn't it be
easier if you just teleported in?"

"Honestly, Shiryo, you've got to enter into the spirit of these
things!  Now come on, I want to show you what I've got planned
for the big finale."

Shiryo heaved a sigh and trudged after her, at least until he 
tripped and fell face first to the floor.

"Oh, watch that cable," Uzume warned, a trifle late.

"Shouldn't that be taped down?" asked Shiryo, rubbing his bonked
nose.  "I'm sure there's some kind of regulation about that sort
of thing."

Uzume shrugged nonchalantly.  "Whatever," she said.  "I know it's
there, and I'll be the only one down here anyway.  Now hurry up,
slowpoke."

Siblings.  *sigh*

                  ***************************

While Shiryo was busy injuring himself, the elv--generals were
wrapping up rehersals.  Schein was still mulling the issue of
the Agent over in his mind.  It was becoming obvious that too
much was going on for him to investigate alone.  Varese was
clearly out of the question, as he was a suspect...

He was sure he could count on Tallis to deal with this in a
mature and competent manner.

"Do you think this makes me look fat?  It certainly doesn't do
much for my hips," said Tallis.  Then Schein glared red-hot
boiling death with dull knives and jagged clubs at him and he
shut up.

Okay, on second thought Tallis would faint at the mention of
the word "assassin."  He was sure the addition of Marais's 
intellect to his own would...

Okay, so he was working alone.

                  ***************************

"Whittington, are you sure about this?" Carlisle demanded.

"Hey, relax.  We need all the help we can get, right?"

Carlisle paused for a moment, tail twitching in annoyance.  She
sighed.  "This is broadly true," she admitted.  "All right, let's
get this fiasco over with."

Whittington sauntered out of the room and returned with a meeker-
than-usual Kagi holding a keychain.

"All right, kid," said Whittington.  "Say the first thing that
comes to mind."

Kagi looked doubtfully at the keychain.  This seemed rather
silly, but at least he'd be spending a lot more time with
Meryl...

He raised it over his head and said: "Uh...vroom?"

Carlisle buried her face in her paws.  Which was fortunate, 
because it meant she wasn't blinded by the flash.  When Carlisle
uncovered her eyes (and Whittington regained his vision), they
stared in acute puzzlement.

Kagi powerposed.  "Have no fear!  Valet Parking Kamen is here!"

The effect was somewhat diminished when he tripped over his own
cape.

"Whittington?  You *promise* he'll only be an errand boy?"

Whittington nodded mutely.

                  ***************************

That evening, Yuriko put on her discount armor and preowned
katana, ready to party, dance the night away, and maybe 
conquer mainland China.

One of these things is not like the other.

It was too bad that Fushin couldn't come...  Perhaps if he'd
just realized Yuriko had been trying to ask him out he could
have rearranged his schedule a bit.  Maybe she should just come
out and ask him already.

But maybe, a little voice said, maybe he wasn't as dense as he
let on?  Maybe he realized what she was trying to do and was
avoiding her?

Maybe...no.  But, maybe there was...someone else?

Yuriko frowned.  She would do [unpleasant things] to any fool 
who stood between her and Fushin...

She paused on the way to the door.  Silly, she thought.  I 
nearly walked out the door with my vase.  I don't know what
I was thinking.

She set it down, turned out the lights, and shut the door 
behind her.  In the darkness, the vase snickered.

                  ***************************

Morning came.  Mainland China went unconcquered, but Uzume was
poised to establish her total dominion over the children's 
entertainment industry.  After checking over the cast, running
through her lines, and making sure the fog and laser light
machines were ready to roll, she settled down for her big 
entrance.

She was not alone.

Nyuyokumiru was lurking in the shadows.  He was glad to get
this job over with; those annoying clowns had been pestering
him again, and engineering that roof collapse for his wretched
imitators had been rathery trying.  Uzume had presented him with
a perfect opportunity, and it was so *dramatic* as well.  She'd 
make her emergence the the premier of her postmortem career.

Uzume positioned herself and the lift started to rise.  With 
exquisite timing, Nyuyokumiru sprang forward, black stiletto 
held high, aim straight and true for Uzume's back.

Then things went horribly wrong.

His foot snagged on a patch of loose wiring.  With a loud 
"Gaah!" he lurching wildly *onto* the lift, arms flailing like 
severed bungee cords, where he ran face first into the chest of
a startled Uzume who'd whilred around to see who was yelling at
her.

In the 2.684 seconds of shocked silence that followed, two 
thoughts ran through his mind:
   1) Maybe *I'm* not the real Agent either?
   2) There are much worse ways to die.

The audience was not sure what they expected to rise out of the
plumes of colored fog wafting up from the stage, but odds were 
fairly good it was not the Queen of Happiness shrieking "Ecchi!"
and slapping someone silly.  Something small and black went 
skittering across the floor, coming to rest under the pointy 
boot of Dark Elf Perky, who didn't look particularly cheerful.

Nyuyokumiru steepled his fingers nervously in front of his 
bloodied nose.

"Oh dear," he said, "I fear there may have been some 
misunderstanding..."

"Yes," said Dark Elf Perky.  "You're going to clear it up for
us."

                  ***************************

Tune in next time and see Meryl stuff Kagi in his own top hat!

                  ***************************

Author's notes:

Whee, I'm back!  I haven't liked a lot of my recent writing, but
I finally feel like I'm getting back on track.  It would have
helped greatly had this not fallen smack in the middle of finals
week and packing, and it's still a little choppier and short-
scenier than I'd like, but at this point I'll take what I can 
get.  The words have returned to me!  Let us dance!

Or not, your choice.

Okay, quick notes...

Kagi:  I don't know, parking garage attendant just seemed like
the perfect job for a reincarnated stable boy ^_^

Nyuro:  Is he the real Agent?  I haven't got a clue, but maybe
Schein can, er, extract some information from him.

Oh, about the other sailor team thingie people girls, the ones 
on the Yasha and Nyx account.  I'm hoping they'll just sort of 
disappear, at least for the forseeable future, since at the 
moment they're completely extraneous.  It wouldn't be so bad if
they had something to do, but enough is going on at the moment
to keep us occupied and we don't really need another plot 
thread.

Semirelated tangent: The last chapter of H! has finally arrived.
I hadn't read H! since, oh, chapter five or so, but after 
skimming the end all I can say is that this Moonshine had better
feel DAMN lucky she ended up here instead...

----
MtWS
mervynwonderslug@yahoo.com
knoke@rhodes.edu