############################################################### SENSHI MUYOU! Episode 11 - Call Me Confused! Original concept by Mervyn the Wonder Slug (c) 1999, 2000 Hosted by Indie Madnesse (http://www.students.rhodes.edu/~knoke/indie/indie.html) ############################################################### Currently, Carlisle and Whittington, magical advisors at large, were halfway up a tree in the middle of a park somewhere in Tokyo. Each clung tightly to a branch, desperately attempting to not fall. "This is all your fault, Whittington," Carlisle hissed. A stray breeze sent Whittington's branch asway, forcing him to scramble to stay aboard. "What do you mean 'my fault'?" he asked, scrabbling desperately for a foothold. "If you hadn't run away, that thing down there wouldn't have found us," Carlisle informed him, employing the always useful talent of ignoring one's own culpability. "If you'd paid more attention to your magical advisor classes..." Whittington never found out what would have happened if he'd paid more attention, due to the cause of their predicament taking notice of them again. "You will be returned to the [VOID]! Blood! Blood and [SOULS] for my lord [BUN-BUN]!" Carlisle and Whittington didn't get out of the tree for another three hours, when the Vorpal Void Bunny got hungry. It later ravaged a produce stand, leaving a body count of twelve head of lettace, six pounds of carrots, and one produce stand manager. ***** In the throne room of the Dark Ediface of Happiness and Terror, Uzume pouted. Poopie. Stupid magical girls, killing her poor Youmabibble, thought Uzume. It hadn't even done anything bad yet. After a few more moment's contemplation, Uzume decided that a round of retail therapy was required. She resolved to round up Shiryo in a bit and try to cause severe tire damage to his credit rating. After that, she could focus more on the happiness and terror and making those nasty mean magical girls pay. However, that one guy in the armor was yummy... Uzume was distracted from this train of thought by the sounds of several suits of armor clanking loudly and what sounded like the world's largest block of jello being fed down a garbage disposal and played over speakers cranked to maximum volume. This barrage of noise heralded the arrival of Schein, Varese, Tallis, and Marais, accompanied by a huge mass of slime, which sported enough teeth and tentacles to build enough sharks and octopi to populate a small ocean. Some things just don't lend themselves well to witty opening dialogue. This was one of them. Uzume gave it her best shot though. "Um... Hello, everyone?" asked Uzume, smiling at the assembled generals and the... thing. Yes, Uzume was able to get back in the happy zone that quick. It's like you threw a switch or something. Schein stepped forward. "Uzume-sama, this is Pookie," he stated, indicating the tentacled abomination to his left. "A youma formerly in the employ of Dark Queen Prudence." Pookie waved it's tentacles in what was probably intended to be a friendly manner. "Hiya, Queen Uzume," it gurgled, although only Schein understood it. "Er. Yes, well, Mr. Pookie is interested in finding a position in your Dark Kingdom of Happiness and Terror," Schien explained. Uzume looked at Pookie, tilting her head to one side in thought. "Well... You don't *look* very happy to me." Uzume tapped her finger against her cheek. "Are you any good at paperwork?" "Yes, ma'am," replied the youma (Schein was translating for it, but let's assume that we don't need to restate that anymore). "I'm not only a certified Tentacle Youma, First Class, but I am also able to file in triplicate, competantly use most operating systems, studied propaganda under several Eastern European youma lords, and have high level connections in the IRS and the Japan Public Taxation Department." Uzume bouncied Happy Bounce #45 ('Wai! I can cheat on my taxes now!'). "That sounds great! ...But, I don't think you look happy enough. You'll scare children." An idea struck, and Uzume pulled a business card out of nowhere. Bouncing up from her throne, she offered it to Pookie, instructing, "Talk to folks at We-B-Youma. Ask for the Youmabibble make-over package, and have them bill it to my brother's account." Pookie took the card, turning to over a few times, then nodded or at least shifted it's tentacles around in a manner that could be interpreted as nodding. Smiling, Uzume addressed her generals. "Keep an eye to the castle and train the Youmabibbles for me, OK? You know... general stuff. Bye!" Uzume skipped off, because retail therapy waited for no one, not even dark queens. Not even technically failed ones. ***** The house where the Office Senshi (that would be Fushin, Sachiko, and now Meryl, for those keeping score or not paying attention) normally met was the scene of a conflict. A post-brawl brawl, of sorts. Yes, a brau-ha-ha was brewing, a fight was fit to be faught, and through it all, no-one bothered to question the fact that, apparently, the house was owned by a pair of cats. "I AM SO THE LEADER, 'CAUSE KITTY-CAT-SAN SAID SO!" That was pretty much the extent of Nadako's argument supporting her being the group's leader. "We're really more of a democratic group, you see," said Fushin, who for the last twenty minutes had been trying to exercise something called reason. Nadako had apparently never heard of it. Sachiko had been sitting on the sofa, rapidly gathering more throbbing viens on her forehead than most people had in their whole body. Meryl sat beside her, sporting a collection almost as impressive. It was like waiting for a volcano to erupt. Nadako repeated her statement of divine right of rule once more. "I AM SO THE LEADER, 'CAUSE KITTY-CAT-SAN SAID SO!" Vesuvius blew her stack. "SHUT UP, you sugar-coated retard!" screamed Sachiko. "You stunted little immature freak! The best parts of you dried up on your mother's thighs! Pathetic, empty-skulled trollop! Cretin! There should laws against bringing things like you into this world!" ("You know, I don't do things like this," Meryl whispered to Fushin. "....") "Empty-skulled skin-waste! Mouth-breather! Spawn of a flatulent yak! Fondler of small bo-" "Special Joy Joy Escalation Activation!" Sachiko, Meryl, and Fushin were swept up in a wave of sparklies, and slammed into the far wall. They lay there in a groaning pile, charred and eyes spiraling. "okay. you're the leader...," groaned Fushin weakly before passing out. Nadako bounced in place, immensely pleased with herself. "Wai! I saved you! Kitty-Cat-san said those bad youma might do something to make all mean. But I saved you good! Wai! Wai!" As Nadako launched into an impromptu rendition of the Happy Shiny Beautiful Princess Cheer theme song, Carlisle and Whittington stepped through the door, fresh from escaping the Vorpal menace. They looked at the crumpled forms of the Office Senshi. They looked at the singing Princess Cheer. "Macavity?" "Macavity." ***** Bozo Nishida wandered down a hall of Uzume's Dark Ediface of Happiness and Terror, having just delivered an intelligence report on the activities of Dark Queen Prudence (still depleting the adult beverage stocks of the Doom 'n Gloom Bar and Grill). Ambling along contentedly, occassionally honking his nose, Bozo didn't notice the person following him until it was to late. A hand clapped down on his shoulder, and cold metal pressed into the small of his back. "Bozo-san. Who is The Agent?" A cold sweat made streaks in Bozo's greasepaint. He gulped, then spoke, hesistantly. "I... I won't tell you..." The hand disappeared from his shoulder and the cold metal dug more sharply in his back. "Believe me, Bozo-san," said the voice, "shooting you won't trouble me at all. After all, the only good clown... is a dead one." Bozo's resolve broke. "Alright. The Agent is a killer, maybe an assassin, who stalks the elite of the Dark Worlds," he explained. "Youma lords, dark queens, it makes no difference. He kills, and The Agent always takes ten percent... off the top." "And this 'Agent' is here?" demanded the voice. "His target--tell me." "Probably Queen Uzume, but I can't be sure. Please, don't kill me. I've got a wife and two kids!" pleaded Bozo. There was no response. Bozo looked over his shoulder. No one there. Bozo quickly decided that discretion was the better part of valor. He made like a little piggy and ran all the way home. From a nearby shadow-cloaked alcove, Schein watched Bozo's retreating form. He twirled the candlestick he held and smiled to himself. Pulling a miniture tape recorder from his pocket, he hit the play button. "This is Operative Double O Honk," said the tape recorder. "Password: 'My hovercraft is full of eels.' I think I've found...The Agent." Really. You think someone in the spy business would pay more attention to counter-measures. You never knew just who was listening in. Schein stepped out of his alcove, and left to figure out just how to deal with this 'Agent'. ***** Shiryo stood on a bench just outside the women's department of the most expensive department store in the mall and tried not cry. Uzume spent money so fast that she'd melted two credit cards already. Shiryo looked at the warped lumps of plastic in his hands and redoubled his efforts. Uzume, on the other hand, was sorting through a rack of swimwear while taking a call on her cellular phone. "Yes, Mokokin-san, we did manage to cast our villans," Uzume stated, casting a critical eye over a neon green two-piece. "Ah, you saw the tape? Great!" There was a pause, a Uzume pulled a new suit out. "...Uh huh. Uh huh. Ick. ...No sir, I meant this swimsuit." She quickly stuffed the suit back. "Why, of course we can do that! Next Wednesday?" asked Uzume. "That should be perfect! I'll let everyone know. Uh huh... Thank you, sir. Before you go, one question...," said Uzume, cradling the cel phone against her shoulder. Uzume held up a pair of bikinis. "The white or the red? Which looks better?" The facefault carried better than you would expect over the phone. After finishing the call (and picking up the white, red, and a black number), Uzume bounced over to Shiryo. As they proceeded to the next department Uzume planned to decimate, Uzume told Shiryo her good news. "The producers at the TV station want us to hold a promotional event in the park next week. We can promote the show and make everyone who come to see it happy and it'll be great!" "This is going to cost me a lot of money, isn't it?" asked Shiryo, even though he knew the answer already. "And do you have a script or anything yet?" "Um...," said Uzume, considering this. Then distraction reared it's ugly head. "Ohhh! Look, Shiryo! Speedos!" Uzume giggled, pulling five pairs of insanely small lycra swimtrunks off the rack. Displaying the exhibitionistic articles of clothing (in blue, red, green, white, and black). "See, this even all color coordinated. You and the generals would look hot." She paused, then grabbed another pair. "And one for that yummy guy with the armor." Shiryo grew a sweatdrop the size of a softball. "...Actually, I'd seriously discourage pulling Marais in Speedos." "Eww. Good point." ***** "AHHH! AHHHH!! MOMMY!" Screams of terror filled the corridors of the Dark Ediface of Happiness and Terror. Under Uzume's reign, this was not as common as one would think. In this case, the terrified scream was interrupting Schein's reading. He had just picked up a fascinating text on the Second Youma War of the Kingdom of Kakuri and, of course, there was the question of The Agent... "HELP! AHHH! SAVE ME!" ...and this started. Sounded like Tallis, too. Gutless idiot. Schein marched over to the library door and opened it, sticking an arm into the hall. An instant later, there was a satisfying crunch as Tallis managed to clothesline himself, followed by the thud of Tallis hitting the floor. Schien stepped into the hall and glanced down at Tallis. "Would mind explaining *why* you are running down the halls, screaming like a little girl, Tallis?" Tallis scrambled to his feet and moved to hide behind Schein. "It's coming! It'll kill us all!" wailed the general, pointing back the way he came. "What's coming? Talk sense, man!" Then, Schein saw it. It was shocking. Horrible. A thing beyond the comprehension of any sane youma, from the least foot soldier to the greatest general. It was a giant ambulatory teddy bear, fuzzy and brown, button-eyed and button-nosed like a teddy bear should be, with a double row of tentacles along its back. A perfect blend of happiness and terror. "Hola," said the horror. "It's Pookie. Like the makeover?" ***** Sometime later, Whittington had rummaged up a box of papers on the team of recalcitrant magical girls he and Carlisle were attempting to guide. Sitting in front of the TV, he was attempting to sort through them, which was quite a trick when one lacked opposable thumbs, or even fingers. Yes, being a magical advisor requires a surprising amount of paperwork. Fortunately, he'd bribed Meryl into staying to help him. Glancing at the stacks of documents Meryl was laying out, Whittington reviewed their contents. "Okay... birth records, baptismal records, records of death..." Whittington examined a likely looking page. "Huh. Say, Meryl... did you know that you and Sachiko are third cousins? It's mystical destiny, I'm telling ya. Runs in the family." "Really?" Meryl scooted over and examined the pages Whittington was indicating. After a moment, she scowled. "You dope. That not what it says at all! This says we were in the same third grade class! Where'd you learn to read?" "I read just fine! It's a sad state that public schools have reached, when-" At this point, Meryl dumped the other three hundred and seventy-one pages of background checks on Whittington, and went home. Putting up with snotty advisors wasn't worth the fifteen dollars. ***** Tune in next time, as Shiryo, Schein, Tallis, Varese, Marais, and Fushin all wear those Speedos Uzume bought them! Fan service for the ladies! ***** Author's Notes : [removed by request]