########################################################## SENSHI MUYOU! Episode 9 - Call a Meeting! By Mervyn the Wonder Slug Original concept by Mervyn the Wonder Slug (c) 1999 Hosted by Indie Madnesse (http://www.students.rhodes.edu/~knoke/indie/indie.html) ########################################################## Carlisle let herself in through the pet door. She was uneasy. She was always uneasy whenever Macavity was involved in anything; it usually meant there was a nasty surprise waiting for someone. He was the sleazy used car salesman of animal advisors: no matter how sweet the deal sounded when he presented it, it invariably turned out to be a lemon. The trick was to figure just how far you could trust him... She pondered these things as she curled up in front of the TV. Not for the first time, she wished she'd chosen her career with more care. Of course, there weren't that many jobs available for talking cats, and actually revealing that sort of thing was generally frowned upon. Whittington slouched into the room. She acknowledged him with a flick of her tail. "So how'd you do?" he asked. "Wretched," said Carlisle. "Another unnaturally suspicous brat. I swear, I don't know what the world is coming to if an average 17- year-old girl won't listen to a perfectly reasonable request to combat evil with no prior training." Carlisle paused, replaying this last statement in her mind. "Anyway," she said uncertainly, "how about you?" Whittington shrugged. "Could've been worse. Oh, Uzume dropped by." Carlisle sat up. "What?" she demanded. Whittington shrugged again. "Just wanted to say hello, apparently. She really is pretty far gone. Batty. Barmy. Loopy, whacko, disturbed of mind. Non compos ment--" "Whittington!" "Okay, jeez. But on the upside, I did get Sachiko and Fushin to transform." "Oh?" said Carlisle, perking up. This sounded promising. "How did it go?" "Not bad, if I do say so myself," Whittington said loftily. "There were one or two minor glitches, but nothing yours truly was unable to handle." Carlisle's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean, minor glitches? I don't trust minor glitches. Minor glitches usually indicate major glitches lurking around the corner." "Really, it was nothing much. Magical Girl Burst Angel Sailor OL Lime used an attack she shouldn't have mastered yet. Probably just a poor initial configuration of the transformation pe--case." Carlisle nodded. Sounded plausible. "And Fushin?" "Well, he just sprouted a sort of armored business suit and a flashy sword thing." "Whittington, I'd hardly call that MINOR. Oh dear," said Carlisle, putting her paws over her eyes. "I hope that's not his *other* destiny interfering with things. Whatever it may be. Well," she sighed, "I guess we'll scrape by. We'll worry about that later. Now, I ran into Macavity on the way back here, and he had some interesting news..." Whittington put on his best "dubious" look. Although it couldn't compare with Carlisle's, it was still mighty dubious. "Do we really want to trust Macavity?" he said. "He's never done anything up-and-up in his life." "Well of course I don't *trust* that loathesome sack of mange," said Carlisle, much vexed. "I know he's up to something, but it's much too early in the game for him to spread iffy rumors. That's not how he plays. Besides," she added, "I heard it on two radio stations while I was walking back. Uzume is holding an audition this Tuesday. And since it's at Sachiko's school, I think it's the perfect opportunity to have her do a little...productive investigation." Whittington hung his head. "Oh man," he said, "I can smell the unoriginal plotting from here." *********************** Uzume pursed her lips cutely as she examined the list in front of her. She sighed and crossed off another name. Chosing the names for the villains of her show was proving more difficult than she anticipated. She'd had a couple of good ideas, but "Sailor Deviant" had been turned down by the network as unsuitible for a children's show. She wadded up the paper in exasperation and tossed it into the wastebasket in the corner of her office. "Shiryo," she pouted, "what do *you* think I should name those icky magical girls?" Shiryo looked up distractedly from his checkbook. At least this request wasn't costing him a month's profits. "I don't know," he said. "Dischord? Strife? Social Ostracization?" "Perfect!" Uzume squealed, bouncing up from her desk. "I'll tell Nyuro-kun immediately, so we can start working on costume designs." She departed at high velocity. Shiryo stared after her with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He had a dreadful knowlege that something unpleasant was going to happen, and the waiting was getting to him. He was also worried about their father. Seisakushi's unhesitant acceptance of Uzume's latest plan could only mean one thing: he was getting senile. Shiryo shook his head sadly. He'd already taken to baggy golf pants; surely white leather shoes were not far away. Shiryo finished balancing his account and was about to move on to an analysis of third quarter profits when he glanced at a clock and realized that The Young and the Wretched had started five minutes ago. He sprang to his feet and returned to his room post haste. A few minutes later, a cephelopod horror from before the dawn of time (or at least the early morning of time) came boiling up through a vent in the floor and peered blearily around in search of food. It found nothing save a vase of artificial flowers, which it quickly devoured. It belched, covering its orifice with a demure tentacle, and then noticed the sheaf of papers sitting unprotected on Shiryo's desk. Having been well trained by its previous owner, it dutifully parked its shapeless keister on them, thus protecting them from the ravages of sudden drafts. *********************** Monday dawned, as days so often do. Morning found Carlisle curled up by the door of Sachiko's house. She refused in no uncertain terms to go anywhere near Sachiko's room after her little run-in with Snappy. When Sachiko emerged, on time and not even walking fast, Carlisle couldn't help but feel that the universe was somehow toying with her. "Good morning," she trilled, rather more cheerfully than she felt, as she slid into step with Sachiko. "Oh, hi," said Sachiko. "What is it today? Do I have to find the Mystical Nasal Spray of Doom, or something?" Carlisle scowled. "I wish you'd take this a little more seriously." "I'll try," Sachiko said with a shrug. "It's kind of hard, when your archnemisis is given to bouncing and giggling." "Even so," said Carlisle, "even Uzume can be dangerous if you let your guard down. Now, there's going to be an audition at your school tomorrow--" "I know," sighed Sachiko. "I heard. We have them all the time. Principal Kocho is so desperate to have a star come from our school that he'll bend over backwards for every talent scout who comes by." "Well, this one's been set up by Uzume." Sachiko rolled her eyes. "Yes, I know," sighed Carlisle. "But we need to know just what she's planning. We want--" "You want me to go to the audition, right? Well, I can always do my knife-throwing act, but I'll need a partner. I know! Why don't you get Fushin to come along?" "But--" "Ooh, gotta go," said Sachiko, running to catch up with one of her friends. "Oh my," Carlisle moaned. "This just isn't one of my better lives..." She turned to trudge back home. Hardly had she gone when a 14-year-old schoolgirl stampeded past in the other direction, jacket half on, toast hanging from her mouth. The words "I'm late I'm late I'm late I'm late I'm late!" dopplered by with her. Macavity trotted behind at a comfortable distance, grinning all the way. *********************** At about the same time, Yuriko was settling herself in for another exciting day in Cubicle Land. "Good morning, Yuriko-san," a familiar voice said behind her. She turned to face the speaker. "Oh, Fushin," she said. "I thought you were on vacation?" "I am. I plan on organizing my stamp collection today. I just stopped in to drop off the work I completed this weekend." He held up a thick stack of papers for emphasis. "I see," said Yuriko. She stared after him as he left to drop his work off with Yamada-san. She consoled herself with the thought that maybe he'd stop by his cubicle so she could talk to him about the vase she'd left there. And then maybe they could-- "Goodbye, Yuriko-san." Or perhaps not. Shoot. Yuriko sighed, and then quickly lost herself in a company memo. At least, that's what it looked like to her coworkers. In fact she lost herself in another of those bizarre daydreams. In this one, she was leading a host of ominous, rapacious legions across a field strewn with the bodies of other legions that had been less successful in the ominousness and rapacity departments. She didn't snap out of it until lunch. She was a little worried about falling behind on her quota, but it probably didn't matter much since Yamada-san had taken to sitting in his office and staring at the walls. Resolving to keep her wits about her for the rest of the day, she left for a brief lunch. On the way back to the office, she stopped in the same store where she'd found the vase, just on a whim. She ended up buying a katana and an old suit of armor with money she knew she ought to be saving. It was as though a little voice had told her she needed them. *********************** Sachiko normally enjoyed school. Even if she didn't have very many friends, at least it was time out of the house and away from false noses and lame knock-knock jokes. Today, though, she found it hard to concentrate on anything her teachers said, and she was quite happy when lunch rolled around. Lunch was usually Sachiko's favorite time of day. It was the only meal she often got to eat away from her circus-mad family, and it was nice to be in the company of people who understood what it was like to have parents who acted like deranged asylum escapees whose sole function in life was to be a source of embarassment to their kin. Typical teenagers, in other words. Sachiko and her few friends ate outside when it was nice, as it was today. There was considerable talk of the auditions tomorrow, and after much hemming and hawing Sachiko had let slip that she was going to be participating. No sooner did the words escape her lips than a loud "AAH-HAHAHAHA" erupted behind her. Rash people might assert that nothing is worse than a laugh like that; they have never heard it in triplicate. Sachiko clenched her teeth. She didn't have to turn around to know who it came from. Nana, Nina, and Nona, the resident Snotty Rich Girls of Gimei High. It was just theoretically possible that they had seperate personalities, but so far concrete proof was sorely lacking. "YOU want to be a star?" asked Nina (or possibly Nana). "Don't be riDICulous." "Yes," said Nona (or possibly Nina). "Why would ANYone pick a little circus girl like YOU when they could have talented beauties like US instead?" "WE'LL be getting those jobs, plebian," asserted Nana (or possibly Nona). Sachiko clamped her jaw shut and counted as much of one to ten as she could remember before replying, "I don't know, do you think you can learn to keep your noses out of the air? Otherwise the camera won't see anything but your sinuses." "AAH-HAHAHAHA!" they laughed, frightening birds and small mammals. "Oh how CRUDE, Nina." "Yes, agreed, Nona." "It must be SO tragic to grow up with no social graces." "Ta-ta, circus girl," they chorused. "Don't get your hopes up!" With a final laugh they pranced off to destroy someone else's self- confidence. Sachiko made low growling noises as she reminded herself that she was only auditioning on the orders of a high-strung cat. But she was still in a bad mood for the rest of the day. *********************** Less than two miles away, in a very similar schoolyard, a girl was talking to a laid-back cat. No one paid much attention to them, as cats often wandered around the school looking for handouts, and everyone knew the girl wasn't all there anyway. "This is sooooo neat!" Nadako enthused. "I get to fight evil and everything. Hey, is there any chance that some cool older guy is destined to fall in love with me?" "Could be," Macavity said cautiously, not wishing to commit himself. "Wow. Oooh, I can hardly wait to use all my nifty new powers!" "You'll get your chance tomorrow afternoon. I think something's going to happen at that audition. You should probably be there, to protect the innocent bystanders. I suspect you'll meet the rest of your team there, too." Nadako gasped. "You mean I get to lead an ENTIRE TEAM? COOL!" Macavity's smirk seemed to radiate several feet from his body. *********************** That evening, Uzume called together what she thought of as her general staff. She'd even made out little name plates to mark where people should sit around the Eldritch Table of Dark Foreboding in the main conference room. Shiryo was still missing, but she assumed he just had some paperwork to finish and wouldn't mind if she started without him. Also, she wanted to try out her new gavel. "This meeting will now come to order," she said, rapping the table. "As you know, tomorrow we will be auditioning our adversaries. Once we've got them, we can move into full production. Now, I understand we have a report from our Chief Intellegence Officer?" The Generals fought valliantly not to snicker as Bozo rose to his feet. "Ahem," he said, honking his nose. "Yes. Preliminary reports from my sources suggest that there may be some attempt to interfere with--" *stomp stomp Stomp Stomp STOMP STOMP creeeeak SLAM! pant pant pant* The assembly looked, as one, to Shiryo, who stood leaning against the door and breathing heavily. "Uzume," he said, "by any...chance did you...hire a huge...slavering thing...with lots of tentacles?" "Noooo," Uzume said uneasily. "Why do you ask?" "Because...we seem...to have aquired one." With some trepidation, Uzume, Shiryo, and the Generals crept back down the hall to the office and placed their ears against the door. "It was sitting on my desk," Shiryo whispered. "It became quite hostile when I tried to reclaim my financial statements." After a minute of intense listening, Schein cautiously opened the door. The room was empty, save for a faint trail of slime that disappeared down an air vent. They stared at it for some time. "Ano...," said Uzume. "This isn't good." "I don't think I want to sleep alone tonight," Tallis whimpered. His colleagues edged away from him. "Well," sighed Uzume, "we don't have time to deal with this now." She pursed her lips cutely as she thought. "I know! We can spend the night back at the apartment. I never canceled the lease. We can worry about this problem once the auditions are over." "You *still* have the apartment?" Shiryo lamented. "Do you know how much that place rents for?" "Anyway," said Uzume, neatly ignoring him, "let's finish up the meeting, and then we can pack. Schein, you and the others can hunt it down tomorrow, okay?" Uzume led her nervous followers (and brother) back to the conference room, where Bozo and Nyuro-san sat eying each other with deep suspicion... *********************** A less eventful meeting took place inside a comfortable suburbabn living room. It consisted mostly of Carlisle and Whittington outlining the plan for tomorrow afternoon. "All right," said Carlisle. "Now, we don't want to attract too much attention to ourselves, so don't do anything until we're sure Uzume is up to something sneaky." "If you see a bunch of schoolgirls fall unconscious when they get next to a big glowing crystal, that'll be your cue," said Whittington. Carlisle glared at him. "*Anyway*, Fushin, we'd like you to go along in case there is any fighting--" "Since *someone* removed my good attacks," Sachiko chimed in. "--which means you'll have to wear this." Carlisle produced a fuku. "And this," added Whittington, hauling out a wig. "And maybe some makeup," Sachiko giggled. The makeover candidate looked at them, and said: "Ghhk." "Now, now," said Carlisle, "it is an audition for ACTRESSES, after all. It's not like we can just wave a magic wand and disguise you, you know." "Well, not anymore," her fellow advisor added. "Shut up." "But, but, but couldn't I go as her brother or something? Provide moral support from the sidelines?" "Don't be silly," said Sachiko. "I'll have to have someone to throw knives at, won't I?" "I see," Fushin weakly replied. *********************** "Ah, home sweet heavily mortgaged home," sighed Bozo, as he neared the Nishida residence. It was a tough time to be a circus performer. Bozo could almost understand why Sachiko was so reluctant to enter the profession; it was not the easiest of livings. And his...*other* job didn't really pay well at all. It was a good thing he had Evil to fall back on, or his family would probably have been reduced to street miming for spare change. He nearly opened the door. But he paused and, instead, stepped into the shrubbery. He examined his surroundings shiftily. After checking to make sure he was really alone, Bozo pulled off his enormous left shoe and removed the false heel, revealing a touch-tone phone. He dialed a number and waited patiently to be connected. "He flies through the air with the greatest of ease," he sang, along with the hold music. "Da dum dum da da da da dum da da daaa..." At last someone picked up. "Hello," said Bozo. "This is Operative Double O Honk. Password: 'My hovercraft is full of eels.' I think I've found...The Agent. I'll get back to you when I have more conclusive evidence. Over and out." He put his shoe back on and opened the door, whereupon he was tackled by an enthusiastic alligator. *********************** The following morning, Schein, Tallis, Varese, and Marais returned to the castle and clad themselves with the heaviest armor that Prudence's armory was able to provide. "All right," said Schein. "Marais, when we find it, I'll distract it while you and Tallis let it eat Varese. Then we'll wait until his hair care products poison it and we'll kill it off." "Ha ha," said Varese. "Why don't we let it eat you and wait for your ego to pop it?" "But where are we going to find it?" asked Tallis, who was watching the walls nervously. "An excellent question. Marais, where would you be if you were a disgusting beast with loathesome personal habits?" "Uh... my room?" Schein blinked. "Er...yes, actually. To Marais' room!" *********************** That afternoon, Sachiko met Fushin and their advisors at the gates of her school. "Lookin' pretty good," she snickered. "This is the most humiliating moment of my life," said Fushin, vainly trying to pull the fuku lower. "Don't worry," said Whittington with aplomb, "it's early yet." After Sachiko had led them to the gym, Carlisle and Whittington spread out to explore. The place was packed with young hopefuls, their supporters, and spectators who were looking forward to the inevitable horrible performances. Uzume was sitting at a table at one end of the gym, along with Shiryo and Nyuro-san. Principle Kocho stood behind them, beaming like a madman (which was not surprising, if schoolyard gossip can be trusted). "There she is," Carlisle whispered. "But I wonder who those other two are?" "Who knows?" said Whittington. "But the one in the slick suit looks like one to watch... Hey, Carlisle?" "Yes?" "Is that girl trying to avoid us?" Carlisle peered through a sea of legs. There was indeed one girl who was consistantly wherever they were not. "Hmm. I wonder...." Carlisle made a sudden dash through the crowd and wrapped her legs around the girl's ankle. "I thought it was you," said Carlisle. Meryl sighed. Up front, meanwhile, the auditioning had started. Nina, Nana, and Nona had secured a spot at the head of the line by sheer force of will alone (well, a few triple bitch laughs hadn't hurt, either). Any response Meryl may have had was drowned out by the sound of the three of them launching into what may well have been the most pose- ridden, self-absorbed, and above all *tuneless* musical performace in history. Most of the audience cringed. Shiryo tried to plug his ears with his braid. Uzume paled. Even Nyuro-san's sharklike grin seemed a little forced. When mercy prevailed upon them to stop, most of those present wore a sort of stunned carp expression. Except Uzume. For a moment, she almost looked like a proper Dark Queen. Then she broke into a wide grin and the effect was rather spoiled. "Wai!" she bubbled, bouncing up to the microphone. "I think that's all I need to hear! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the new villains of 'The Adventures of the Youmabibbles!' Sailor Dischord, Sailor Strife, and Sailor Social Ostracization!" Shiryo and Nyuro-san exchanged a look of muted horror. "WHAT? The VILLains?" protested Nina. "We're suPPOSED to be the STARS," agreed Nona. "Sailor Social Ostracization? That's like, SO stupid," added Nana. Out in the muttering audience, Meryl shrugged. "Well, this was a wasted trip." "Perhaps not?" Carlisle said hopefully. "The others are here as well--" she pointed them out with her tail "--and I'm sure if you met them..." Meryl looked at Sachiko, who was sheathing her knives, and Fushin, who was still fiddling with his fuku. She sighed again. "Do you honestly expect me to believe that the world is under threat of attack by mysterious dark forces, and that you want me to help defend it with a knife-toting girl and a guy in drag?" At that very moment, two figures made rather dramatic entrances. One blasted a hole in the roof and dropped down, the other rose up out of the floor. "Ha ha ha!" laughed Acheron. "I claim this...er, gym...in the name of Nyx, Queen of the Night!" "Nobody move, I've got a Vorpal Bunny, and I'm not afraid to use it!" cried General #3, aware as he said it of how stupid it sounded. The two of them looked at each other in exasperation. "What, again?" said Acheron. "Arrgh," said General #3 in irritiation. "Okay, what if I drain the ones on this side, and you do the ones on that side?" Acheron shrugged. "Works for me." "Hey!" interjected Uzume. "You guys'll have to stage your own auditions!" Not surprisingly, she was ignored. Panic, confusion, etc. *********************** "That's your cue, Princess," said Macavity, grinning wickedly. FIN Tune in next time and hear Meryl say: "'Mystical Secretarial Soldier Sepia'? What, are you kidding me?" *********************** Author's notes: Bleh. Furniture Warriors ate my brain. (Check it out, if you haven't, BTW. There's an HTML version at http://www.students.rhodes.edu/~knoke/fw030.html as well as the Improfanfic version). A plea to future authors: Please keep Nina, Nana, and Nona in the background until some of the current plot elements have been closed off. They might become important later (or not), but for now, could we let them simmer on the back burner?