########################################################## SENSHI MUYO Episode 7 - Call in the Calvary! by Demented Otaku Original concept by Mervyn the Wonder Slug, (c) 1999 Hosted by Indie Madnesse (http://www.students.rhodes.edu/~knoke/indie/indie.html) ########################################################## "The phone please." Seisakushi said. The man in the dark suit complied. Seisakushi started to say something, then looked at him. "Oh. Right. Sorry." The man left. After all, this was a private family-related call. He didn't really get too many oppotunities to talk to his family. Besides, Seisakushi would probably have him tortured for listening in. "Hi Daddy!" Uzume said enthusiastically. "Uzi-chan! How long has it been? How's that Dark Edifice of Fear and Terror coming along?" He said, showing what an outsider would have seen as a psychotic grin of evil. In his family, it was seen as a warm smile. His psychotic grin of evil was MUCH worse. Not as bad nowadays, though. He had long since retired from the "Dark Kingdoms of Unpleasant Things" business. Of course, he could still drain energy with the best of them if he had to. "Well.....it kinda got destroyed." "Destroyed?!" Again, an outsider would have seen seething, foaming-at-the-mouth rage. To Uzume and others in the "Dark Kingdoms of Unpleasant Things" business, this was concern for her well-being. "Yeah." Uzume said with a bit of a sigh. "Are you hurt?" "Not now. Just a few cuts and bruises at first, but I'm fine now." Unknown to either of them, Shiryo was listening in on the conversation with the aid of some equiptment one of his mad scientist friends built him in high school. Just to see how bad things would get. Father was sure to hate this plan. He was currently hiding under a table to protect himself from the blast radius that was sure to reach him. His memories went back to when he first announced his career pursuals. He hugged a blanket closer to him. "That's good to hear. So, are you trying to work on another plan right now, or just rest a bit first?" "I'm working on another plan right now!" she said happily, keeping in the same mood as her master plan. "Are you sure you're alright? You don't need to rest?" "I'm alright now. I've healed. I feel more confident now. I'm back on my feet! I'm ready to take on the world! Or take over it. Probably both. Something like that, anyway." Shiryo sweatdropped. Seisakushi smiled his smile-that-looks-evil-but-its-really-not smile again. "That's my girl! So, what's your new plan?" "Well, I figured that the reason why I failed in the first place is because those...magical girls...go against me." "Well, that certainly is true." Seisakushi said, thoughtfully. "So, I thought, what would keep them from going after me in the first place?" Uzume continued. "Attack them with all you've got before they learn to use their abilities well enough?" Her father guessed. "Nope. Guess again." Uzume said. "Travel back in time and kill them when they're asleep?" "Nope." Uzume said, almost unable to contain the joy she was feeling at building up suspense for the revealing her plan. Shiryo simply wondered about the moment when their father would react to the news. At least they were on the phone and not there in person. "Drop a nuke in the general area where they usually show up?" "Nope! I'm going to make people...HAPPY!" Uzume shouted, grinning. Silence. Shiryo paled. "Moshi moshi? Daddy? Daddy?" "I'm still here. That plan...." Seisakushi started, darkly. "Yes? Yes?" Uzume asked, completely oblivious. Shiryo, being rich, had prepared a nuke shelter in case of emergency, which he was currently hiding in now. Father's explosions of anger happened to be very...destructive. Bad things happened. He shuddered when he remember his father's reaction to his decision to be a Dark Litigator instead of a Dark Monarch. It took YEARS of visits to stores with retail therapy to completely heal. "Is.....without a doubt....." Seisakushi continued, sounding more menacing by the nanosecond. Shiryo opened up the phonebook, looking to buy some last-minute life-insurance. "The most......BRILLIANT plan I've ever heard!" Shiryo facefaulted. Uzume was even happier. "Wai! I knew you'd like it!" Uzume shouted with glee. "Like it? I LOVE it!" "And Shiryo is helping fund me!" "Really? Shiryo? Well, maybe the boy won't be such a disappointment after all!" Seisakushi said. "Ah. If only your dear mother were still around to see this day..." Seisakushi said, some sadness entering his tone. Uzume was silent. Shiryo looked down. "But, she left on some business trip yesterday. Hanako's always been a bit of a work-a-holic." ********************************* A well dressed man was sitting at a table. He was chatting with a companion over a business lunch. Normally, a situation like this would be normal. However, the companion was a bit..........odd. White skin, a large red rubber nose, a smile painted on. In other words, a clown. The clown spoke. "So, Nyuyokumiru-san, what do you think of it?" "Please, call me Nyuro-san. Your record could.....be better, but you have some very impressive accomplishments here. And.....you're a clown." "True, but clowns are the perfect balance between happiness and evil, are we not? Clowns like me have terrorized innocent children for years, and brought happiness. Besides, I already have some information you may be interested in. Someone is trying to undo Uzume, even as we speak. Why do you think circus tents are so large? They're actually satellites for our massive spying network. We're evil, and we make people happy." The clown said, grinning in the creepy way that clowns do. "Hmmmm......I think we can use you. Welcome aboard....." "Bozo." The clown replied, honking his red rubber nose. "Bozo the clown." ********************************* "Get out of there! I REALLY have to go........." Varese shouted at the bathroom door. "No. I still gotta shave." Marais replied. Actually, it wasn't the shaving, but all those trips to the Burrito Barn which kept him in the bathroom. "AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!! MY BLADDER! MY BLADDER!" Tallis screamed. "The pain.....the pain....." "You've been in there for two hours!" Shien shouted. "WE have needs too!" No avail. The Dark Generals dropped to the ground, writhing to try to hold it in. ********************************* "Me? A magical girl?" Maryl asked, suspiciously. "Right." Carlisle replied, struggling to breathe under the massive hug Molly was currently giving her. "You see, we're a bit understaffed, and this is kinda an emergency." "Describe it to me, then I'll decide." Meryl said cooly. "Don't be mean to the kitty." Molly said, cute as always. She pouted, giving Carlisle a chance to escape. She did. She began to fill Meryl in on the details. "Alright. You see, Dark Queen Uzume has resurfaced." Carlisle began. "Resurfaced? She probably wants revenge, right? So why don't you just get whoever beat her in the first place?" Maryl suggested, trying to avoid any possible fighting. "They're......unavailable." Carlisle said nervously. "Unavailable? What happened, did you flush their tranformation pens down the toilet or something?" Maryl snapped, sarcastically. Carlisle sweatdropped. ********************************* "But......why?!" Sachiko asked. "Why the HELL would she want to make the world happier?" "You see," Whittington started. "Apparently, she's gone completely off her rocker. Most likely too many blows to the head those past four times we beat her. She's messed up right now! She's crazy! She's one screwed up little psycho! Right now, she's got bats in her belfry! Nutty as a fruitcake! A few eggs shy of a dozen! A few bricks short of a full load! A few tacos short of a combo platter! No carpets on the landing! The lights are on, but the only one home is grandma after too many hours in the dryer! A few farts short of a bean burrito! She's nuttier than Chinese chicken salad! Sh-" "WE GET THE IDEA!" Sachiko shouted, if only to shut up Whittington. "So she's crazy! I get the idea already!" Whittington promtply stopped. "Basically, she thinks that if she tries to take over the world in a way that won't make people unhappy. She figures that's why we come after her every time she tries to take over the world." Whittington said, shaking his head. "What a nutcase." Fushin commented calmly. "Hey, Whittington. What's that?" he asked, pointing at a strange light that was currently coming towards them at alarming speed. Whittington looked up. His eyes widened in recognition. "MOVE!" He shouted to Sachiko and Fushin as he jumped out of the way. The two humans did not hesitate. They dove out of the way, barely dodging the comet-like energy. As they turned around, the energy slowly coalesced into a definite form. A woman materialized, a childishly happy smile on her face. Dark violet eyes, long flowing blue hair currently in a long braid. A regal air about her, she stood to her full height. She was tall and imposing. Yet, something about her seemed...off. Perhaps it was the ankle-length hair. Perhaps it was the evil, yet happy smile on her face. Or perhaps it was the fact that a Dark Queen was currently wearing a frilly happy-dress with many ribbons and bows making her look kawaii yet ridiculous. "Uzume?!" Whittington shouted. "In the flesh." Uzume said, smiling. Sachiko, Fushin, and Whittington backed away, preparing to defend themselves. Uzume casually took a step forward. "Whittington! How have things been?" Uzume asked happily. "Wh....what?!" the cat shouted, confused. "What do you think you're doing?" "Why, I'm helping you to be happy, of course!" Uzume said gleefully with a happy bounce. She tossed a little kitty toy at Whittington. "You see? I'm nice now!" she said, smiling. "There's no reason to fight me." "Uzume!" Sachiko shouted, snarling. "Just what do you want, anyway? "Why, I want everybody to be happy." Uzume replied innocently. "I want this world to be filled with fear and terror and happiness." "What kind of stupid plan is THAT?!" Sachiko shouted. Whittington was still too shocked at seeing the new Uzume and Fushin was still too stunned to talk. Sachiko, however, was pissed at the notion of being forced to work in a circus. "I think it's a good plan..." Uzume said, starting to sound upset. "It's evil and it'll work!" "You think you're evil, huh?" Sachiko seethed, ready to tear out the throat of this creature who would force her into the circus. No way was SHE going to work there. Nuh uh. "Well, I got news for you. That plan is idiotic. It's stupid. You think you're evil? You're not! You're semi-evil." Sachiko started, cooly, then slowly increasing in intensity. "You're quasi-evil. You're the margerine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie: Not evil enough." Sachiko continued. Uzume looked like she was about to cry. "You befouled, vitiated poltroon!" continued Sachiko, in a drill seargeant-esque tone. "You blighted, malodorous, mephitic recreant! You are a festering boil on the @$$ of all humanity! You have all the backbone of a jellyfish! You moribific, feculent simpleton! Would that I could change my species, just so that I might not be associated with you! The stupendous, confounding magnitude of your insipidness astonishes me!" Sachiko shouted. Uzume was trying hard not to be blown away. She was currently hanging onto a pole, the steady stream of air blasting past her. "I cannot believe that anyone could muster such a prodigious, astounding level of stupidity! If you were any more asinine or incogitant, you would surely have been put to death long ago! Your vapidity has gone so far beyond any previous boundaries of puerility and nugacity as to banish any and all chances of an intelligent thought from your head! Even the most hardened of the human race unquestionably cannot believe your fatuousness and illogicality!" Sachiko continued shouting. Whittington was staring at her, his jaw hanging. Fushin was now a nice shade of white. Sachiko paused. Uzume started to speak. "I th-" "There cannot be even a fragment of intellectuality or perspicacity to be found within the gaping void which should contain your brain! It amazes me that you are able to perform even the most facile of everyday functions with your exorbitantly disadvantaged and gormless lack of intellect!" Sachiko practically screamed. Uzume looked up in tears. "B-" "You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world! An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done!" Sachiko thought about continuing, then looked at Uzume. Uzume simply broke down in tears. Everyone simply stared. "I thought....*sob*...it...*sob*...just wanted to make people happy...." She dropped to the ground, crying her eyes out. Her happy-dress was stained with tears now. She felt the opposite of happy. "Now look what you've done!" Fushin said, nearly yelling, to Sachiko. "My God...what kind of....ugh." Sachiko started to feel some guilt for reducing Dark Queen Uzume to the sobbing form in front of her. Feeling that it was partly her fault, she attempted to fix the situation. "Ano...." "Yes?" Uzume said, half crying. "I didn't mean all that. I'm sorry." "I'm worthless." Uzume said, dejectedly. "No you aren't! You're....unique.....and.....creative.....and....beautiful." Sachiko said, hoping to fix what she had done. "Really?" "Really." "WAI!" Uzume shouted, doing three consecutive Happy Bounces. "Thank you!" She shouted, hugging Sachiko. "Now I'm happy, and you're happy, and we can all be happy! The whole world can be happy! Yay!" Uzume sang, bouncing around. Sachiko simply wondered exactly what she had done to deserve this. "Now, to show how much I want you to be happy, I'm letting you play with one of my new minions!" Uzume said, grinning, completely oblivious to the fact that said minion would probably rip them apart. She tossed a pink and yellow ball to the ground, then disappeared in a cloud of pink smoke. "Uh oh." Whittington uttered. The ball started to vibrate. "Sachiko! Fushin! Henshin yo!" "Wh-what do we say?!" Sachiko shouted. The ball was bouncing wildly now. It looked like whatever was inside was about to burst out any second now. Whittington did a backflip, spontaneously creating a large blue novelty paperclip and a pink briefcase. "Just grab these, and say the first thing that comes to mind." "This is really dumb!" shouted Sachiko at the top of her lungs. "I wish I were at the office!" shouted Fushin. "Uh.......no." Whittington uttered. "Never mind that. Sachiko: Say "High Power Hyper OL henshin", and open up the briefcase. Fushin! Just.....hold up the paperclip in a nifty pose." "What? That's the stupidest....ah never mind." Sachiko sighed. "High Power Hyper OL Henshin!" she shouted, opening up the case. Light spilled from the case, engulfing her. When the lengthy transformation ended, Magical Girl Burst Angel Sailor OL Lime stood, wearing a flashier-looking version of office clothes. Fushin didn't get a chance to do anything before the ball exploded, leaving a Youmabibble. "Lovely OL Cosmic Sparkle Wave [THRUST]!" Sachiko shouted. The beam smashed into the Youmabibble, destroying it before any cool fight scenes could break out. "Ano...Sachiko..." Whittington began. "Hai?" "Don't just destroy it with one shot." "Eh? Why?" "It isn't as interesting for spectators." "Why should that matter? It's quick, it's efficient, it has the least risk!" "Magical girls just don't work that way!" Their arguing went on. FIN Tune in next week, when the entire male cast gets kicked in the nuts! Or maybe not... ________________________ Author's Notes Well, I'd like to thank the wonderful people over at #Improfanfic for helping me come up with ideas and for being supportive. Oh well. Not really much else to say here. Anyway, this is Demented Otaku, wishing you all.....good days...I think.