Author's Pre-Part Notes, Warnings and Errata: STOP! ...unless you're in the restroom. In which case, please carry on. But if you're reading this in the restroom, then that means that either you printed out a copy of this (which would be flattering), or you have a computer in your restroom (which would be... ick). But I digress. Readers of "Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky": If you're not familiar with "Jackie's Fridge," it might be a good idea to head over to http://jackiesfridge.keenspace.com and take a peek at the strip. Not only is it funny, but it will make this story a bit easier with which to groove. Also... future "Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky" writers, please please PLEASE do not use Jackie, Ada, Shannon, Gin, Melissa, Pig, Jobeth or Alka-Seltzer Man without the permission of BJ Hiorns. Please. Pretty please. With sugar on top. I'm on my friggin' knees here, people. ^_^;;;;;;;; Readers of "Jackie's Fridge": If you're not familiar with "Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky"... well, don't feel bad. This is my ninth chapter, and I couldn't pick half of the cast out of a line-up. ^_^; Seriously. "Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky" (which is at http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net) is an improvisational fanfiction which generally encourage authors not to let things like characterization, plot, continuity, sanity or even coherency get in the way of a good laugh. Our targets are primarily video games (such as "King of Fighters" and "Suikoden," for example), but we go all over the map. (And before I forget, our map doesn't have Japan or Korea on it. They've converged to form Japrea. Just a reference note... ^_^;;;) Readers of both "Jackie's Fridge" AND "Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky": You kick all kinds of butt, my friends. v_^_^_v Those who don't read either "Jackie's Fridge" or "Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky": How in the wide world of window washing are you reading this, a crossover between a story that you don't read and a comic strip that you don't read? I mean... granted, that web searches for tofu occasionally return links to "Ranma 1/2," clam chowder and "Pay-Per- View Hot Donkey Mamas," but THIS is a stretch. All Readers: I hope you enjoy this. /* ALKA-SELTZER-MAN-BREAK SAYS: "CATS DON'T MAKE FOR GOOD SHOES." *\ Light filled the auditorium. On each side was a fully-functioning kitchen, complete with apprentices to aid the cooking process. The game show host walked to the podium and cleared his throat. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!" he announced. "It's time for tonight's Tin Foodmaker Battle! In the Pink Corner With Purple Polka Dots! She's the head chef at 'The Bitchin' Kitchen' in Stevens Point, Wisconsin! She's the ONLY chef at 'The Bitchin' Kitchen' in Stevens Point, Wisconsin! Please welcome our challenger! MISS LOU!" The crowd cheered as a stern-looking woman walked to the pink-with- purple-polka-dot side of the auditorium. She wore a white, collared shirt with the sleeves rolled up past her elbows. Her dark, brown hair was tied back in a ponytail except for a trace of bangs on the right side of her head. She had a nametag (which read "Lou") pinned to her shirt and a white towel tucked outside of her black pants. She looked both bored and irritated at the same time, and she gave her support staff harsh glares. "And our returning champ in the unfashionably ochre corner!" the host continued. "When it comes to being a representative of the Yagami clan and a ferocious fighter, he makes excellent muffins! Please welcome our returning champion! IORI YAGAMI!" A man with red, wild hair staggered to the unfashionably ochre side of the auditorium. He wore an unbuttoned black shirt over an unbuttoned white shirt, exposing his smooth chest. He brushed some flour off of his red pants, looked at the audience, and let out a frightening laugh. "HELLO, SCHPRINGFIEEEEEEEEEEELD!" Iori hollered. "Are you ready to ROCK?!?" The audience collectively blinked in confusion. Iori shrugged and locked gazes with Lou. "I'm going to cookerificatificatify you under the table, PAAAAAAAAAAL!" he slurred. He attempted to point his finger at Lou, but it zigzagged erratically through the air. Lou blinked and let out a harumph. "The day some drunkard outcooks me is the day pigs fly," she dryly commented. "AND NOW!" the announcer shouted. "For tonight's secret ingredient!" A giant, silver, covered dish was lowered from the ceiling. As some crew members helped set it on the ground, the host explained, "Tonight's ingredient is unlike any we've seen in previous Tin Foodmaker battles. This ingredient is as rare as it is exotic and mouth-watering. But only the most skilled of chefs can bring out its true flavor. I'm sure that your skills will be pushed to the limit tonight." Lou shrugged. Iori fell asleep. "TONIGHT'S SECRET INGREDIENT!" The audience gasped. "IS!!" The audience gasped once more. "JACKIE TOUESSANT!" The crew lifted the cover off of the plate. "What the heck?!?" the plate's contents shouted. Sitting on the plate was a petite and very confused lady with red hair tied down in a ponytail. She wore a white robe, which she instinctively clung to when she noticed that an entire auditorium was watching her. She looked fearfully at the approaching Iori and Lou. "I call dibs on the drumsticks," Lou said with a yawn. Iori grinned and hiccuped. He replied, "All I need is her thighs... and maybe a wing. And maybe a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT of rice wine." "WHAT?!?" Jackie shouted, trying to scoot away from the chefs. "I am not foodstuff!" Lou grabbed Jackie's left hand and pulled her up. "That's what they all say," she flatly remarked. "Now let's get you carved up." Iori grabbed Jackie's right arm and tugged at it. "Oh, no you don't! I, Iori Yagami, will get the prime *hic*cut!" he shouted. Jackie screamed as Lou and Iori tugged her back and forth. /* ALKA-SELTZER-MAN-BREAK SAYS: "COCA-COLA CAN CLEAN YOUR *\ /* WINDSHIELD. JUST DON'T DRINK IT *\ /* AFTERWARDS." *\ Jackie sat up in her bed with a yelp. She looked around. There were no chefs trying to carve her and cook her. There was no audience. There was only her bedroom. She let out a sigh of relief. "It was only a dream," she said with a laugh, wiping off the sweat from her brow with her left hand. "I could use a glass of water," she commented to herself. "And maybe a snack while I'm up." Jackie rubbed her eyes and rolled out of bed. She nearly tripped over the base of her cordless phone walking to the kitchen. With a yawn, she grabbed the handle of her tan refrigerator. "I'm not letting you have that cheesecake," the refrigerator stated. Jackie scowled at the refrigerator, whose door refused to open. Tugging, she growled, "Listen! I've had a bad dream, and I want a drink of water and a small snack! So open up already!" "I don't have a water bottle in me. You'll have to go to the faucet," the refrigerator grumbled. "WELL *tug* AT *tug* LEAST *pull* GIVE *yank* ME *pull* MY *tug* CHEESE *pull* CAKE!" Jackie hissed. The refrigerator's door swung open, causing Jackie to tumble backwards and fall on her rear. The door shut itself quickly. "Hey! That hurt!" Jackie whined, standing up and rubbing her injury. The refrigerator sighed, "We often hurt the ones we love." Jackie picked up a nearby baseball bat. "If you say so," she said irritatedly. "Jackie, you know that you'll hate both yourself and me in the morning if you snack on that cheesecake right now," the refrigerator explained. Jackie put the bat down. "I know," she sighed. "But that dream... it was so FRIGHTENING." "What was it about?" the refrigerator asked. Jackie took a breath and answered, "Lou and some freaky drunk guy with red hair wanted to cook me up." There was silence. "Jackie." "Yeah?" "I'm a talking refrigerator. And even I think that that's strange." Jackie nodded. "I know," she sighed. "I'll tell you what," the refrigerator said, opening its door. "Fix yourself a glass of warm milk. That should relax you enough to get you back to sleep. And you won't have any regrets in the morning." Jackie smiled at the refrigerator. "Okay," she replied. She grabbed the carton of milk. As she walked over to the microwave, the refrigerator thought to himself. "This is the seventh day in a row she's had both unusual nightmares and an increased desire for snacks. I really hate to cash in favors, but I'm going to have to make a call to an old friend of mine." A pop came from the microwave. Jackie growled as she opened the door. The inside of the microwave was coated in milk. "It's a good thing," the refrigerator mused. "That she left the phone in me again." *-------------------------------------------------------------------------* | THE "AS OFFICIAL AS SOMETHING LIKE THIS CAN POSSIBLY GET, WHICH MIGHT | | NOT BE SAYING MUCH, BUT AS LONG AS EVERYONE LAUGHS AND NOBODY SUES, | | WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?" CROSSOVER BETWEEN "JACKIE'S FRIDGE" AND | | "REFORMING EVIL CAN BE TRICKY" | | | | REFORMING JACKIE CAN BE TRICKY! | | OR | | HOBB'S COURT: WILL IT BE HOWARD'S WATERLOO? | | OR | | THE UNHARMONIOUS UNION BETWEEN MUFFINS AND ALKA-SELTZER | | OR | | KIM MEETS AN ADA WHO'S NEVER WONG | | | | "JACKIE'S FRIDGE" IS WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED BY | | BJ Hiorns (kei-1@maximum-ink.com) | | AND CAN BE FOUND AT | | http://jackiesfridge.keenspace.com | | | | "REFORMING EVIL CAN BE TRICKY" IS WRITTEN BY (*DEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BREATH*) | | James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight (mmk@beer.com) | | W4, The Mad Author (indiemadw4@home.com) | | Steven Scougall (s_scougall@hotmail.com) | | Ravi Duvvuri (duvvuri@uiuc.edu) | | Kristen Smirnov (kristen@smirnov.net) | | Kate Malloy (kamalloy@home.com) | | The Black Snotling (snotter@sluggy.net) | | Gaijin Dan Mastriani (gaijind@worldnet.att.net) | | Mark Poa (recklessflyer@mechpilot.com) | | Jonatan Streith (J_Streith@mailandnews.com) | | Anonymous | | | | *DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BREATH* | | | | Wujihong (Pashcrackn@aol.com) | | Thomas Wilde (storyteller@msc.net) | | Signus Megido (marmala@hotmail.com) | | Mervyn The Wonder Slug (mervynwonderslug@yahoo.com) | | Sonny Taing (sonny_taing@hotmail.com) | | T Rees-Lee (reeslee@ozemail.com.au) | | Metal (rjb@flash.net) | | Keio (aestivaliskaz@nergal.org) | | King in Yellow (lake_of_hali@hotmail.com) | | Anya Bolton (Fas2kas1@aol.com) | | Akuma Hokoru (Akuma@j-fan.com) | | S.D. Ryukage (dragon48@mail.ptd.net) | | And you if you'd like to write a chapter or two or nine or... | | AND CAN BE FOUND AT | | http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net | | | | THIS CHAPTER IS WRITTEN BY | | W4, The Mad Author (indiemadw4@home.com) | | WITH PERMISSION FROM | | BJ Hiorns (kei-1@maximum-ink.com) | | TO USE CHARACTERS FROM THE ONLINE COMIC STRIP "JACKIE'S FRIDGE," WHICH | | IS WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED BY | | BJ Hiorns (kei-1@maximum-ink.com) | | AND CAN BE FOUND AT | | http://jackiesfridge.keenspace.com | | AND LET ME TELL YOU THAT | | W4, The Mad Author (indiemadw4@home.com) | | REALLY APPRECIATES THAT | | BJ Hiorns (kei-1@maximum-ink.com) | | GAVE | | W4, The Mad Author (indiemadw4@home.com) | | PERMISSION TO USE THE CHARACTERS FROM "JACKIE'S FRIDGE," WHICH IS | | WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRAT- | | | | *WHACK* | | | | ...RIGHT. THE ACTUAL STORY. I WAS GETTING TO THAT. REALLY. I WAS. | *-------------------------------------------------------------------------* The sun shined brightly upon Japrea. And then it suddenly stopped. And then it suddenly resumed shining. "Sorry about that," the sun explained to no one in particular. "I hiccupped." Outside a quiet, serene Tae Kwon Do dojo, Kim Kaphwan walked towards the mailbox, grabbed the morning paper, and smiled (it was smile #17, the "Nothing Beats A Relaxing Morning After Facing Off Against Students With Ill Intent, People Overtaken By 'Riot Of The Muffin,' And Other Otherwise-Well-Meaning People That, For Reasons Unknown To Me, Want To Beat Me Up Or Destroy Me" smile) widely. The gleam from his smile temporarily blinded the paperboy across the street and caused him to accidentally clobber a stray chihuahua with a copy of "The Morning Yak." Kim Kaphwan glanced at the headline on his copy of "The Morning Yak." It read, "'Zero Wing' Humor Killed: Police Round Up Internet Personalities For Questioning." He shook his head and smiled (smile #7650, the "Those Crazy Internet Personalities" smile). He adjusted his white gi (with blue trims), ran his hands through his neatly-combed brown hair and walked into the dojo. There, he was greeted by his two sons. "Hey, Pop," mumbled Jack Kaphwan, a teenage boy with spiky blonde hair and a black gi with red trims. Don Kaphwan, a slightly older boy with neatly-combed brown hair and a white gi with blue trims, read over Kim Kaphwan's shoulder. "Can I read it when you're done?" Kim nodded. "Sure you can. But you have to do your morning exercises first. After all, a sound body leads to a sound-" *RING* Jack blinked in confusion. "A sound mind leads to a sound ring?" he asked Kim. "That's a new one to-" *RING* Now Kim blinked in confusion (while giving off smile #88, the "I am verily stymied," waning grin). "That's a new one to ring?" he asked. "Jack, are you feeling okay? Maybe I should take your-" *RING* Kim and Jack stared at each other blankly. Don sighed and picked up the telephone receiver. "Hello?" he spoke. "Okay. I'll get him." Covering the end of the receiver with the microphone, he called out to Kim, "It's for you, Dad. A Mr. Reed Fritcher Aytor is calling for you." Kim slapped his forehead and laughed (while smiling #160, the "It was the PHONE! And NOT my son!" sheepish grin). He took the phone. "Hello there! It's been a while! ... You need a favor? ... That is bad news. ... Okay. I'll be there in a jiffy." Kim hung up the phone and turned to his sons. "Don? Jack? We're needed in Steven Points, Wyoming." Don and Jack blinked in confusion. "Steven Points, Wyoming, in America?" Kim shrugged. "He didn't say which country, but it wouldn't hurt to start there, right?" he laughed. Before Don or Jack could answer, Kim turned around, stretched out his arms, leapt into the air and flew off. Don's and Jack's jaws hit the floor as they watched their father fly in the direction of the sun. "...I didn't know he could fly," Jack mumbled to Don. Don picked up his jaw and replied, "He did it in chapter 20 and again in chapter 23." "Well... we'll have to run after him," Jack sighed. Don grabbed Jack. "RUN AFTER HIM?!? Are you INSANE?!? How do you expect us to run across one continent and a continent-sized body of water?" Jack shrugged and answered, "Same way we ran from the dojo to Justice High in chapter 14. Only this time, YOU carry Mom. I don't think I could take her backseat carrying." Don nodded. There was a pause. "Jack?" "Yes, Don?" "Let's not talk in previous chapter references anymore. Okay?" "Okay, Don. After all, we haven't talked like that since chap-" *WHAM* "...sorry, Don." /* ALKA-SELTZER-MAN-BREAK SAYS: "DON'T GO TO THE BLOOD BANK AND *\ /* ASK IF YOU'VE EARNED ANY *\ /* INTEREST." *\ Outside of Hobb's Court, a man with slicked-back blonde hair crossed his arms and smiled. "Tonight, it ends," he remarked to himself. A small, tan-furred rodent shrieked by the blonde man's foot, "TONIGHT, WE WILL SWALLOW HER SOUL! EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!" The blonde man straightened his white gi top and brushed off his red hakama. "Do what you want with the little girl," he said. "But Kim Kaphwan is MINE, Pig." "Can I have his soul?" Pig asked. "NO! HE IS MINE!" "...just asking." /* ALKA-SELTZER-MAN-BREAK SAYS: "TOFU MAKES SQUISHY NOISES BETWEEN *\ /* YOUR TOES." *\ At Stevens Point library, a lavender-haired four-year-old girl talked to the librarian, a woman with long, black flowing hair. "Read this one to me, Miss Yokote! Read this one to me!" the little girl shouted excitedly. The librarian took the book from the little girl's hands and felt the cover. "'Romeo And Juliet?'" she remarked with a slight laugh. "Are we in a romantic mood today, Gin?" Gin shook her head violently. "BOYS HAVE COOTIES, MISS YOKOTE!" she announced. Everyone in the library turned to them and shushed them loudly. "Sorry..." Gin whimpered. She then turned to Miss Yokote. "Well... can you read it to me? ...softly?" Miss Yokote smiled as Gin climbed into her lap. She opened the book to the first page and slowly ran her fingers over the braille letters. "Is there a certain scene which you'd like to start with?" she asked. "Hmmm... go to the balcony scene!" Gin requested. "Ahem." Gin and Miss Yokote turned towards the direction of the new voice. Gin saw a blonde woman wearing a white cloak, a white body vest and white boots. She carried with her two thin, long packages wrapped in brown paper. "Excuse me," the woman said, handing the packages to Miss Yokote. "Could you hold these for a moment?" Before Miss Yokote could respond, Gin grabbed the packages and opened them up, despite the protests of Miss Yokote and the blonde woman. Gin pulled out the objects inside the packages and looked at them analytically. "Lady?" Gin asked. "Yes?" the lady in white replied. "Why are you carrying Wiffle bats around?" "WIFFLE BATS?!?" the lady in white shouted. The entire library turned and shushed her. "...wiffle bats?" the lady in white whispered. "They were supposed to be guns!" Gin and Miss Yokote gasped. "Why would you bring guns in a library?" Miss Yokote asked sternly. "Because she's a criminal." "Who...?" A blonde man in a black cloak walked into the library, pointing a black wiffle bat at the lady in white. "Elza... it's time to make you pay for stealing from the Howling Voice Gu-" "AHEM, Clive..." the black wiffle bat interrupted. Clive grimaced, let out a sigh, and said, "Elza... it's time to make you pay for stealing from the Howling Voice... ah, jeez... the Howling Voice Wiffleball League." Gin, Miss Yokote and Elza blinked audibly. "Clive," Elza grumbled. "Elza," Clive responded. "...why do we have wiffle bats instead of guns?" "Orders from high-up, Elza. This episode needs to be mostly G-rated." "But our guns..." "They're being watched over..." /* ALKA-SELTZER-MAN-BREAK SAYS: "WATER GUNS DON'T SOAK PEOPLE. *\ /* WATER SOAKS PEOPLE." *\ In an isolated, dark room somewhere, two men try to have a conversation. "Hi. I'm Shannon. And you are?" "CHICKENS! PFFFHT!" "...I see. ...your parents were cruel, weren't they?" "...chickens." /* ALKA-SELTZER-MAN-BREAK SAYS: "WHEN TRYING METACUTS, USE A *\ /* SAFETY RAZOR." *\ "Now, Elza," Clive growled, pointing his wiffle bat, Stormbreaker, at Elza. "The punishment for stealing from the Howling Voice Wiffleball League... is a nasty welt!" Elza grabbed the twin wiffle bats from Gin. "BRING... er... bring it on, Clive!" Miss Yokote dashed in between the two fighters, arms extended. "STOP!" she shouted. The audience turned towards her and shushed her. Clive and Elza shook their wiffle bats at them. The crowd immediately buried themselves in books. "I will not permit violence in this library," Miss Yokote stated. Clive and Elza snapped their fingers and cursed under their breaths. "Aw, Miss Yokote! Now how are they supposed to settle their fight?" Gin whined. Miss Yokote kneeled and rested her hand on Gin's shoulder. "Gin, violence doesn't solve anything. You know that. Right?" Gin nodded. "Sorry, Miss Yokote," she said. "Clive and I are also sorry," Stormbreaker added. "We are?" Clive asked. "Be quiet, Clive." "...okay." Elza laughed contemptously. "For shame, Clive. You've tracked me all this way only to be stopped by a blind librarian and a little kid," she said with a cruel grin. "If the two of you must compete," Miss Yokote commented with a sigh. "There are other ways." "Like what?" Clive asked. /* ALKA-SELTZER-MAN-BREAK SAYS: "DON'T HANG YOUR LAUNDRY ON *\ /* CLIFFHANGERS." *\ Jackie stumbled into her apartment after a long day at work. She fell to the ground and inched her way to the bedroom, shedding clothes as she moved. By the time she reached her bedroom, she was wearing only a bra and panties. Normally, this didn't disturb Jackie. However, since Kim Kaphwan and his family were in her bedroom, she panicked. "AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" she screamed, leaping up and running towards the front door. "FRIDGE! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THERE WERE TRESSPASSERS HERE?!?" "They're not tresspassers. They're guests. I invited them," the refrigerator explained. Jackie glared at the refrigerator and started kicking it. "YOU INVITED THEM? WITHOUT TELLING ME? WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING?" she screamed. The refrigerator replied, "You usually only crawl to your bedroom and shed your clothes on Thursdays. Today's a Monday." Jackie grabbed a baseball bat. "This will cure you of your voyeuristic tendencies!" she screamed, winding up for a mighty swing. A firm grip prevented her from completing it. She turned around and saw a brunette woman about her height, wearing a blue dress. She smiled at Jackie, handing her a bathrobe. "Please calm down," she requested. Jackie grabbed the bathrobe and put it on in the blink of an eye, dropping the bat. The brunette woman picked it up and started clubbing the refrigerator. "HOW COULD YOU DO SUCH A THING TO YOUR OWNER, YOU MAYTAG WANNA-BE?!?" she shouted, giving the refrigerator deadly gaze #666, the "I have NEVER been this pissed off at household appliances in my entire life!" gaze of doom. Jackie blinked in confusion as Kim, Don and Jack entered the room. Upon seeing their mother clubbing a refrigerator, Don and Jack laughed nervously, giant beads of sweat forming on the back of their head. Kim sighed and smiled (#783: the "She Was *Not* A Lunatic When I Married Her" Smile). "Teriyaki Kaphwan, you silly woman of my dreams," he chuckled. "Please stop abusing our friend." Jackie turned to Kim. "YOUR FRIEND?" she screamed. Kim nodded. "He called us this morning and said that you needed our help. So we flew right over," he explained. "Well... he flew. Jack and I ran," Don added. "And Don carried Mom," Jack concluded. Jackie passed out. /* ALKA-SELTZER-MAN-BREAK SAYS: "LIFE IS LIKE A THREE-LEGGED BLIMP.*\ /* IT'S COMPLETELY INSANE." *\ "Oi. Red. Yeu okay?" Jackie opened her eyes. Before her was Ada, her Scottish-African- American-blonde neighbor who's fluent in Yiddish. (Author's Note: I kid you not. BJ's creation. Not mine. ^_^;; -W4 ) "Wha... Ada? What are you doing here?" Jackie mumbled. "Well, yeur fridge gave me a call when yeu passed out," Ada explained. Jackie sat up. "Someday, it's going to have to tell me how it can make phone calls without any fingers or arms," she mumbled to herself. "Ada... I just had this crazy dream. I came home, took all of my clothes off, and there was a family of Tae-Kwon-Do experts waiting for me." Ada giggled nervously. Jackie gave Ada a stern look. "It wasn't a dream, was it?" Jackie asked. "'Fraid not, Jackie," Ada answered with a sigh. Jackie looked behind Ada. Sure enough, Kim Kaphwan and family were standing close by. "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!?" Jackie hollered. Kim stepped forward. "Well, Miss Touessant, like I said before, your refrigerator called us," he explained. The refrigerator chimed in, saying, "He owes me one." Kim nodded in agreement and smiled (#350, the "The Refrigerator Speaks Truth" grin). "So he explained about your weird dreams and midnight snacking, so my family and I rushed over to help you with both of your problems." "Dad didn't tell us, though, that you were a hot babe with a hot babe neighbor!" Jack declared with a goofy grin (#31, the "The Redhead And Her Neighbor Are HOT!" lewd grin). Jackie and Ada glared at Jack. "Yeu're too young fer us," Ada dryly commented. "N... n... NOOOO!" Jack wailed as he turned to stone and crumbled to dust. "...he does that every time, I'm afraid," Don sheepishly remarked, sighing an unnumbered, uncatalogueable sigh. Teriyaki walked over to Jackie. "Don't mind my idiot husband and goofy sons. But we really are here to help you out," she assured her. "How?" Jackie asked bluntly. "Well," Teriyaki explained. "We have reason to believe that Geese Howard, a vicious Japrean crime lord, is using you as bait to get at my husband." Jackie's eyes grew wide. She shouted, "HOLD THE PHONE! Why would a vicious Japrean crime lord go all the way to Wisconsin, USA to entrap somebody?" "He's a rather silly vicious Japrean crime lord," Teriyaki grumbled. Jackie folded her arms. "I dunnae get it," Ada said. "Are yeu sayin' that Jackie's problems are due to thes Geese fella?" "That's what my studies have shown," Don answered. "But don't worry. While you were asleep, I made some modifications to the refrigerator. If and when he strikes again, we'll get him for sure." Jackie stood up. "So what am I supposed to do in the meantime?" she asked with irritation. "Just carry on with your life's activities, Miss Touessant," Kim replied. "CARRY ON WITH MY LIFE? How am I supposed to do that with you-" Kim and his family vanished in a flash... or so it seemed. "I am lamp," Don remarked, wearing a lampshade. Jack lay motionless on the floor, remarking, "I am throw rug." Teriyaki Kaphwan posed eccentrically in a picture frame. "I am abstract art," she commented. "I am refrigerator magnet," Kim remarked, pinned to the side of the refrigerator. Jackie sighed and turned to Ada. "Can I stay at your place tonight?" she pleaded. Ada whispered to Jackie, "I'm stayin' here, Red. I'm gonna keep yeu safe and sane. Besides... if this Geese guy shows up, I wanna piece of him, teu." /* ALKA-SELTZER-MAN-BREAK SAYS: "FIGHT, ADA! FOR EVERLASTING *\ /* PEACE!" *\ "Don't think you've won yet," Elza snarled. She drew a card. "Hah! It's red! That puts me past the gingerbread house!" Clive wiped the sweat from his brow. If the next card he drew wasn't purple, he would lose this game of "Candyland" and, with it, his best, if not only, chance at retrieving the property Elza stole. Miss Yokote turned in Elza's direction crossed her arms. "You're not very sporting, Elza," she said. "Yeah, well... life's tough," Elza replied. "C'mon, Clive! Kick her butt!" Gin cheered. Clive broke out in a sweat as he reached towards the draw pile. "Please be purple," he chanted in his mind like a mantra. "Please be purple. Please be purple. Please be purple." Clive drew the top card. Clive turned it over to look at his. Clive's jaw hit the floor. Gin looked at the card. "'WILD DRAW FOUR?!?'" she shouted. The entire library turned towards Gin and shushed her. Gin pointed at Elza. "You put that in the deck, didn't you?" she hissed. Elza laughed and answered, "So what if I did?" "If you did, then you lose. In this library, cheaters are automatically disqualified," Miss Yokote explained. Elza's jaw hit the floor. "It... it can't be! I can't be defeated like this!" Elza protested. "Cheaters never win! Neener neener neener!" Gin taunted. Clive and Stormbreaker added, "Yeah! Neener neener neener!" Elza sunk her head in defeat as Clive grabbed her twin wiffle bats and tucked them away in his cloak. He bowed his head to Gin and Miss Yokote. "Ladies," he said. With Stormbreaker in hand, he walked off. "Miss Yokote? Elza isn't moving. What are we going to do?" Gin asked. Miss Yokote giggled. "I have an idea..." she answered. /* ALKA-SELTZER-MAN-BREAK SAYS: "EYES ARE LIKE WIFFLE BALLS. THEY *\ /* BOTH GET DAMAGED EASILY WHEN *\ /* HANDLED ROUGHLY." *\ Jackie was in a bar, standing in front of a group of lewd patrons. "Wha... what's the meaning of this?" she blurted out. "HOT DIGGITY DAMN!" one patron shouted. "She's the prettiest bunny girl I've ever seen!" Jackie thought to herself, "Bunny girl?" She looked at her attire. Tight leotard. White pantyhose. Bunny ears. Fluffy bunny tail. Red high-heel shoes. A female patron shouted out, "Wanna go hippity-hop in my field, little rabbit?" "WHAT?!?" Jackie shouted. "BUNNY!" the patrons hollered as they swarmed Jackie. Jackie covered her face and yelled, "NOOOOOOOOO!" /* ALKA-SELTZER-MAN-BREAK SAYS: "IF YOU'RE GOING TO MULTIPLY LIKE *\ /* A RABBIT, USE A RABBIT *\ /* CALCULATOR." *\ Jackie woke up in a cold sweat. She had fallen asleep on the couch in her living room. She looked around. Ada had curled up by the "lamp" and was sound asleep. The only sound in the apartment came from Jackie's rumbling stomach. "Not again," she grumbled as she slouched over to the refrigerator. She heard what she thought was a giggling noise from the guinea pig's cage, but she dismissed it as grogginess after waking up. She grabbed the refrigerator's handle, opened the door, and- "~/o Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! ~/o" Jackie slammed the door shut, leaning against it and panting heavily. She was amazed to see that nobody was awakened by the thunderous chanting. "Don programmed it so only you would hear it," the refrigerator explained. "BOFFO FOR HIM!" Jackie hissed. "If they weren't all asleep, I'd-" Jackie was cut off by a heavenly glow from the window. She saw what looked like an angel hovering outside. "Jackie Touessant..." it whispered in a melodical voice. "Jackie Touessant..." Jackie, entranced, walked towards the window. The angel held out a plate with a slice of double-chocolate cheesecake. "Come to the cake, Jackie. It calls out for you. It wants you," the angel continued. "And... I... want... the cake..." Jackie said in monotone, walking towards the angel. "Take the cake, Jackie. You know you want it," the angel called. Jackie opened the window. "Must... have... cake..." "JACKIE! GIDDOWN!" Jackie turned and saw Ada holding a pair of scissors. She ducked, and Ada threw the scissors. They sailed above the angel's head. A moment later, the angel fell to the ground like a brick. "He's downstairs!" Teriyaki shouted, freeing herself from the picture frame. "Let's get him!" Don and Jack sprang to action. "Um... could someone peel me free?" Kim sheepishly asked. Teriyaki grabbed Kim's hand as she ran out the door. Unfortunately, she took the refrigerator with her. "My refrigerator! My doorway! My deposit!" Jackie yelled. Ada rested a hand on Jackie's shoulder. "Okay. NOW yeu can stay at my place," she said. /* ALKA-SELTZER-MAN-BREAK SAYS: "ANGELS THAT FALL FROM GRACE *\ /* SHOULD WEAR KNEEPADS." *\ Geese Howard lifted his head from the mud. "OW!" he hollered. "That hurt!" He shouted towards the roof, "What happened, Billy?" "Some naffer naffed the naffin' line, boss!" a voice shouted out. Geese stood up and brushed his hakama off. "Great. What else could happen?" "HEINZAN!" the four Kaphwans shouted, rushing at Geese feet-first. The next thirty seconds of Geese Howard's life were Podiatrist Hell as the Kaphwan family administered a flurry of kicks at him. When they finished, Geese was covered with footprints and unconscious. Ada walked outside, dragging by the nose a thug that looked like the British Flag. "Does thes belong teu him?" she asked, pointing at Geese with her free hand. Teriyaki Kaphwan grabbed Billy by the nostrils. "Who else was involved in this?" she hissed. "NAFFIN' NAFFER NAFF!" Billy wailed. "You're not going to naffin' believe this, but the naffin' redhead's naffin' guinea pig naffin' sold her out! It was talking about how it wanted to naff her naffin' soul!" Ada sunk her head and sighed. "Red'll NEVER believe that. She loves th' runt to death," she grumbled. Kim walked over to Ada. "Well... you'll have to make her believe. As for us... we need to fly back to Japrea and put Geese Howard and his lackey behind bars. But first... I've one request." "Wut?" Ada asked. "COULD SOMEONE GET ME OFF OF THIS REFRIGETATOR PLEASE?!?" Kim yelled. The refrigerator added, "I agree wholeheartedly." /* ALKA-SELTZER-BREAK-MAN SAYS: "BENCH-PRESSING REFRIGERATORS IS *\ /* BAD FOR YOUR BACK." *\ Elza woke up and shook her head. "Where am I?" "Like... OH! MY! GOD!" another woman shrieked. Elza blinked. She saw a blonde woman with a beehive haircut, a black shirt and cutoff jeans standing before her, smiling with her eyes closed. "Like... WOW! You have to TOTALLY tell me where you got those TUBULAR clothes!" she yelled. Elza yelled as well, albiet incoherently. /* ALKA-SELTZER MAN SAYS: "THE END!" *\ Author's Notes: Well, that was fun. ^_^ Now for background: I'm a subadmin at an improvisational fanfiction site, "Indie Madnesse." (http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net) And I'm also a fan of the online comic strip, "Jackie's Fridge." (http://jackiesfridge.keenspace.com) And, recently, said comic strip had crossed over with two other online comic strips, "Sporkman" (http://sporkman.com/) and "Tonja Steele." (http://tonjasteele.keenspace.com/) So I had a random thought. "What if 'Jackie's Fridge' crossed over with 'Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky?'" As I have done countless times before, I grinned evilly and cackled like a mad bastard. After doing that, I got BJ's permission to use his characters. And after that... I got writer's block. ;_; I wanted to do more, but the ideas didn't flow. Looking back, I'd say that I unfairly reduced Jackie to a damsel in distress, and, by God, did I ever mangle Ada's Scottish accent (how the HELL do you do it, BJ? ;_;) But as long as someone gets a laugh out of it... ^_^;;; Thank you, BJ, for letting me use your characters. And thanks again for letting me run around like a delusional chihuahua on your Keenspace forum. Thanks also go to Stephana who gave an 11th hour proofread. MMK is up next, so be sure to give him A GOOD KILLING! ...no... that's not right. I must be channeling Il Palazzo again. ^_^;;; But seriously... MMK's up next, so life's going to be groovy and sunshine and flowers and all that. Be sure to check it out. ^_^