I ain't happy I'm feelin' glad I got sunshine, in a bag I'm useless, but not for long The future Is comin' on, is comin' on, is comin' on -Gorillaz, *Clint Eastwood* Realism? What's that? -Matthew "Zeroin" Maldonado (^)^(^)^(^)^(^)^(^)^(^) Shortly before the Mole was deployed... "Hello, Mr. President." Patsy the President jumped in his chair, then turned and glared at the cold, brown-haired man behind him. "What do you want? Can't you see I'm dealing with a national emergency here?!" The man smiled icily. "I know; that's why I'm here." He stuck out one hand, which the President took warily. "My name is Marty, and I'm here to help," he said with a sly grin. ========================================= New Haven ----------------------------------------- a name without a reputation to back it up Scene 1-9: Operation: Elimination by Matthew "Zeroin" Maldonado ========================================= Shortly after the Mole arrived in New Haven... "So," Father Edgewood said. "What's the meaning of this-" He gestured at the Mole. "-this *thing*?" Sarge, who was occupied near the back of the Mole, did not reply. Private Johnson, however, did. "We're diggin'," he said simply. "'Diggin''?" Edgewood repeated. "Diggin'" Johnson confirmed. "Right," Edgewood clapped his hands. Then his shoulders slumped. "Why?" "Huh?" Johnson blinked. "Oh, sorry: I wasn't paying attention. What was that again?" "Johnson," Sarge said, coming back from behind the Mole. "Just shut up and let me tell the man, alright?" When Johnson had backed away, Sarge turned and smiled at the priests. "We're here, Fathers, to eliminate whatever the hell started this whole mess." "With my help," said a chilling voice from within the Mole. Sarge rolled his eyes. "Yeah, with *his* help." He snorted. "If he ever gets out of there, at least." "Shut up, infidel." Sarge sneered. "You watch it, Mr. Cold-Voice! Why I oughtta-" "You oughtta shut up, young man," Marty said as he climbed down the side of the Mole to the floor. "I'm far from a simple civilian, you know." "Yeah, I *know*," Sarge said sarcastically. "I *know* about that little incident in New Jersey-" "I had nothing to do with that!" Marty barked. "Anyone saying otherwise is an idiot naysayer and will be promptly shot...oh shit, did I say that out loud?" Sarge wasn't listening. "-and the incident in New York, New Hampshire, New Litchridge, New Lake, New City..." He tacked each city off on his fingers, then scowled. "There's a pattern here, but I can't seem to figure it out." *** "And if he gets his soul back?" asked Karen. Ned leaned back in his chair and steepled his fingers. "I hope you're fond of soot." Everyone took their time as they digested this. "But I need to get Alicia back!" Charlie said, exasperated. "What can I do now, if you won't tell me where this orb thing is?" Ned shrugged. "Get a new girlfriend?" Charlie stared blankly at the demon. "Or not," Kramer said. "Either way, we're not giving you the orb." He paused, staring at Karen, deep in thought. "Pervert!" Karen said, slapping Kramer. "Wha?" Kramer said, blinking. "Oh. Sorry. Didn't mean to, really." He paused again, this time staring at the ceiling. In the beginning, there was nothing. And then... "Eureka!" Charlie sniffed his clothes. "Well, yes..." Kramer scowled. "No, not you!" He stood up and moved into the back of the room. "I think I may have the solution...if I can ever find it in this mess. Ugh." He began to rummage through his stockpile of occult whatnot, an obsessive gleam in his eye. "What is it?" Karen and Johnny asked simultaneously. No answer. Ned, smiling, held up a bottle. A little pair of bloodshot eyes stared groggily at Charlie, Johnny and Karen from behind the glass. "Look," he said, giggling. "A bottle of jinn." "Oh *god*," Karen moaned. 55555 Archbishop Luccini watched, interested, as Marty, Sarge, and Privates Johnson and Parts finished unloading the cargo of the Mole. "So what's in these things?" he asked, tapping one of the massive metal canisters. "Nnnrrrr" said the canister. "What was that?" Luccini asked. "I didn't catch it the first time." "Nnnnrrrrr." "Oh." Marty turned to the Archbishop and smiled. Icily. Luccini shivered. "Father, these-" he waved at all the canisters. "-are key to ending this whole mess!" He grinned the Grin of the Madman and raised one fist in the air. "I, Marty T. Ideawasgood, will prevail!" And with that the whole Mole crew jumped back into the aforementioned vehicle and slid back into the hole they arrived in. After a few seconds, all six of the canisters opened up, revealing... "Rrraaaaaaaaagh!" said six very big, very angry, multi-limbed giants at the same time. "Let's leave," Father Bruno said, dashing for the open warehouse door. "Praise God," said the Archbishop. "I'm right behind you!" He followed his fellow priest out the door. "The...power..." Father Edgewood panted. "...the...power...of... Christ... compels...me...to get my ass outta here!" 55555 Back in the Mole, Marty Thought Ideawasgood, who was named by his hippie parents Aye and Yu, was having himself a damn good chuckle. *My greatest creation,* he thought. *Unleashed at last! Finally I will be recognized in both the scientific *and* the occult worlds!* He grinned the Grin of the Madman yet again, and had to fight the urge to do some sort of jig. Marty, was, in fact, an occult scientist, an odd mix of beliefs on par with an agnostic Catholic. As far as he knew, he was the only practicing O. S. in the tri-state area. And, as it may be inferred, Marty's specialty was massive, many-armed monsters that come in cans. In fact, the monsters being released in New Haven were the result of *years* of biomechanics, gene splicing, mutations, and the occasional bit of necromancy, but only when he ran out of materials. He'd created the most wondrously vile creature, off the base genes of humans. It had the general body setup of a man: two legs, two arms, one head, two eyes, hands, feet, knees, one...ahem. Add the spider genes and some mutated porcupine DNA...well, now you had eight arms, two human and six thin, spider-leg-like appendages, each with more razor-sharp blades than a suicidal teenager. There were always only two legs, though, but they had a tendency to stretch to more than thrice their original length. Another bit of tampering with the genetic makeup of this creature resulted in the development of huge amounts of muscle. This had pleased Marty, at least until the damn prototype decided it was leaving home. The repair bills were not pretty, and that was when the canisters became necessary. This safety measure was further enforced when the jaws mutated and became a set of spiky, acidic mandibles. The true genius of the monster, however, was that, barring all the acid and poison glands, the thing had no inner organs. Nothing. Nada. Zip. No bladder, no heart, no brain, no stomach, no lungs. The thing lived, breathed and roared only through a ruby orb, four inches wide, with a pentagram embedded within. This orb was kept in the bony, chitin-coated chest of the monsters. Also known as the Jaws of Death. 55555 Back in Kramer's shop, Karen was trying to block out Ned's horrid jokes. "Don't you get that one, Miss Karen?" the demon said. "The man-" "Shut up, just SHUT UP!" Karen screamed, grabbing the nearest religious symbol and throwing it at Ned. "Ow!" Ned yelped, smoke rising from his chest. "I'm sorry!" "I found it!" Kramer called. He returned to the group, holding a small box and wearing a large grin. "I think it will do quite nicely, if I can get it to work right." "What is it?" Charlie asked eagerly. "Will it destroy Harlukia?" Kramer shook his head. "No, but it'll get Alicia back." He opened the box, reached in, and held the contents up for all to see. "Huh," Karen said, nonplussed. "What the hell is it?" "My dear, it is an exact replica of the orb containing Harlukia's soul!" He grinned at their puzzled expressions. "What, you think *Jebdorn* made that orb?" He shook his head. "Ridiculous. He couldn't make baubles if he even knew what the word meant." Charlie jumped up. "So we can give this fake to Harlukia, he'll give back Alicia, and then we arrest him?" Ned seemed to have recovered. "*Arrest* *Harlukia*?" He laughed. Charlie glared. "Well..." Kramer trailed off. "It'll only hold him off for about fifteen minutes. That's how long the fake "sense" of his soul being contained within the fake will last, because that's how long it'll take for Harlukia to open the orb." He shrugged. "It's the best I have to offer right now, though." "It'll do," Charlie said, stretching his palm out. Kramer, however, held the orb out of reach. He shook one finger, 'tisk'ing. "You have to pay first, you know." Before Charlie could reply, however, Johnny snatched the orb and ran out of the shop. "Shit." 55555 In the New Haven hospital, Harlukia was being verbally abused. "And I bet this new *harlot* you've got is *so* much better than me, isn't that right?!" Sapphia screamed, throwing syringes at her ex-lover. "I bet she's got a *bosom* the *wives of Henry the 8th* would envy, doesn't she?!" She started throwing scalpels like darts. "Well..." Harlukia said, dodging, trying not to get the point. "*BASTARD!*" Sapphia roared, taking hold of a couple bedpans. A couple *used* bedpans. "Hold!" Harlukia said, desperate. "If I show you that you're more... voluptuous...than my new consort, will you not throw the bedpans at me?" Sapphia considered this. "Your whole existence is dependent on this, you pale bastard," she growled. Harlukia visibly relaxed and led Sapphia over to...where...Alicia...was... supposed...to be. *Curses*. "Well, where is the wench?" Sapphia demanded. She stared suspiciously at him. "You're just stalling for time, aren't you?" She raised the bedpans again. "No dear, no! She's around here somewhere, I assure you!" He suddenly stood up straight. Thunder rolled, lightning flashed, and a mysterious wind began to blow. "Now BOW to me, whore of demons! BOW before your master, the everpowerful vampire lord Harlukia! BOW!" he ordered in his most demonic and bad-ass voice. Lightning flashed for emphasis. *CLANG* *SPLASH* "FOOL!" Sapphia yelled, throwing the bedpans aside. "Can't even hold a prisoner..." she muttered, heading for the elevator. "I'll kill that trollop myself if I have to." "Unghhh," a very soggy and smelly Harlukia said. 3333 "The *Fortean* Times?" Micheal Lime sighed. "Yes. Once again, not the *New York* Times, not the *London* Times, not the *High* Times, just the damned *FORTEAN* Times!" Alicia glared at Micheal. "You're a very irate rescuer, you know." Micheal held his head, willing the headache to go away. "Just shut up. Please, shut up." "Fine," Alicia huffed. "Where are we, anyway?" Micheal looked up. "Hell if I know. I'm from out of town." He scowled. "Don't you live here?" he asked Alicia. "Yeah, but..." she looked around. "I don't think any of this was here before." "Oh, you mean all the plants and vines and flowers and that damn big hair man with the weird eyes and the giant fox behind him?" Micheal asked. "The one who's staring at us with murderous intent?" Alicia nodded. "Yeah, all that." Pause. "Well, fuck." Alicia said. *(*^%^ Somewhere in the city of New Haven, a giant chicken was laying eggs contentedly. Then one of the Jaws of Death showed up and ruined the damned thing's whole day. "Nnnraaagh!" it screamed, as it impaled the poor chicken on a spider-arm. It crushed the eggs with powerful jumps and body slams. Then it fried the chicken with a blast of flaming acid. Hi-ho. As the occult-mutant stood over the crispy carcass of the chicken, it had only one thing to say: "Nnrgh." Then it took a big chunk of blackened poultry and ate it all in one bite. The Jaws of Death thought it tasted like alligator. 44333323 Author's Notes: Please note: PROOFREADERS ARE CRUCIAL TO THE SUITABILITY OF YOUR IMPRO CHAPTER. PLEASE OBTAIN A PROOFREADER PRIOR TO SUBMITTING AN IMPRO CHAPTER. THIS HAS BEEN A MESSAGE FROM THE NEWBIE IMPRO-WRITERS' UNION. THANK YOU FOR READING. God bless Mark Poa and black dub for their input and suggestions. Without them, this would've been a crossover. More apologies: Sorry it was so short. This was not intended, but I feel that I furthered the plot significantly in several ways in just thirteen and a half kilobytes. Go me! Concerning the name of the President: Whoever introduced the President named him Patsy, remember? REMEMBER?! And Mervyn: sorry for sidestepping your whole "return the soul" plot thread, but I came up with an imaginative way around it and felt that my voice must be heard. 'Sides, it worked perfectly. Oh, and here's a list of new plot twists: 1: the half a dozen Jaws of Death now running around New Haven, intent on killing all monsters. 2: the "fake soul". 3: a fleeing Johnny, carrying aforementioned "fake soul". 4: the angry Sapphia, who's gone on to search for Alicia on her own. 5: Jebdorn, Micheal and Alicia: together...forever! 6: Marty T. Ideawasgood's dealings with the President. The sounds of the outside world blocked out by: Gorillaz Orgy Jonatha Brooke (go to http://jonathabrooke.com and listen to the tracks from "Plumb". Then buy her albums! NOW! Tell 'em Zeroin made you do it!) System of a Down Sunna Also: Also: Also: Also: Also: Mystery Octagon Theater! Wai! Matthew "Zeroin" Maldonado