Basquain, I owed you one, so I risked my ass and two of NICE's finest to get this to you. Yes, it's THEM. The bigwigs. And since you're carrying a torch for you-know-who in you-know-where, I thought you might be interested. -Niemann * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * PATSY: I wanna ride the horsey again. R.E.D. INK: Sir, we don't have time for- PATSY: I wanna ride the horsey! STILETTO: Ah, crap. Not this horse shit again. R.E.D. INK: Sir, we come bearing important- PATSY: I WANNA RIDE THE GODDAMN HORSEY! STILETTO: ... Shall I sedate him again? GRAUSWEIN: That won't be necessary. Allow me. [A sound here... hard to describe... like someone choking a cat in slow-motion.] GRAUSWEIN: Ink, make a note. The treatment doesn't last as long as it used to. PATSY: Wha... what happened? STILETTO: R.E.D. INK: Are you all right, Mr. President? STILETTO: That's you, moron. PATSY: ...WHAFUCK?!? [A sound here... my guess is that STILETTO slapped her forehead.] GRAUSWEIN: Just take a deep breath, and- PATSY: You bastards made me the President of the United States? AGAIN?!? STILETTO: Christ, guys! Do we REALLY need to go through this EVERY FUCKING TIME?!? R.E.D. INK: Calm down, Stiletto. [A sound here... grumbling and STILETTO saying indiscipherable things under her breath.] R.E.D. INK: Okay. Tell us the last thing you remember, Mr. President. PATSY: ...you are such fucking assholes. You know that, right? GRAUSWEIN: Mr. President... PATSY: You can't ever make me, oh, say, the owner of a harem. Or the world's greatest flutist. Oh, no. You stick me with the lamest, phoniest, most suck-ass positions. [A sound here... I can't describe it.] GRAUSWEIN: Are you done? [Long silence.] [A sound here... whimpering. ?Crying?] R.E.D. INK: Don't you think that was- [Long silence.] R.E.D. INK: ...sorry. STILETTO: Okay, Mr. President. You know why we're here, right? [Short silence.] STILETTO: Of course you don't. [A sound here... even money it's STILETTO slapping her forehead again.] PATSY: Just... just... ...just tell me what I have to do. GRAUSWEIN: It's not that easy, Mr. President. PATSY: You don't mean... [Short silence.] PATSY: Oh, shit. R.E.D. INK: We're pretty fucked. STILETTO: Ink... PATSY: Where? GRAUSWEIN: A town in Connecticut. New Haven. PATSY: From where? [Long silence.] PATSY: FROM WHERE, DAMN IT? [A sound here. ...A muffled sob?] R.E.D. INK: Brazeglow. [Long silence, broken only by the occasional sob.] PATSY: Oh, no. [Short silence.] PATSY: Oh, HELL no. Don't tell me you- R.E.D. INK: We didn't. PATSY: But how- GRAUSWEIN: We don't know. PATSY: ...Shit. [Short silence.] R.E.D. INK: Mr. President, please pass Stiletto a Kleenex. STILETTO: I'll be okay, damn you! PATSY: Can't you close it up? [Short silence.] PATSY: There's more, isn't there? GRAUSWEIN: Yes. You'll want to sit down for this. PATSY: I'm lying down, half soaked in... GRAUSWEIN: Please sit, Mr. President. [Shuffling sounds with squishing noises. It sounds like someone working with clay.] GRAUSWEIN: It seems that the nexus from Brazeglow is the tip of the iceberg. [Short silence.] GRAUSWEIN: Ink, please elaborate. R.E.D. INK: There have been a series of so-called unexplained incidents happening in New Haven. Exactly how many of these are related to the Brazeglow nexus is unknown. PATSY: You don't know? STILETTO: No, Mr. President! It's not like they sent us a fucking blueprint of their plans! PATSY: Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. [Short silence.] PATSY: So what else is wrong? R.E.D. INK: Fish-like monsters. PATSY: Fish-like monsters? GRAUSWEIN: Reports say that they resemble fish, save for the large size, humanoid shape, razor-sharp claws and incredible strength. PATSY: Well, aside from that, sure! GRAUSWEIN: Mr. President... [Short silence.] PATSY: Okay. Okay. Fish monsters. R.E.D INK: There's more. PATSY: There's MORE? STILETTO: NOW should we sedate him? GRAUSWEIN: Save it. He'll need it soon enough. PATSY: Oh, shit. I don't like the sound of that. [Short silence.] PATSY: Well, SOMEONE say something! STILETTO: Shamblers. [Short silence.] R.E.D. INK: From an egg. [Short silence.] GRAUSWEIN: From Kramer's front. PATSY: Okayokayokayokayokayokayokayokayokay. [Short silence.] PATSY: Shamblers. GRAUSWEIN: And God only knows what else Kramer left lying about. PATSY: Okayokayokayokayokayokayokayokayokayokay... GRAUSWEIN & R.E.D. INK [simultaneously]: Now, Stiletto. [Sounds here... I can't describe them. It hurts my brain to even think about them.] [Sounds here... two people panting heavily.] PATSY: Okay. <2 deep breaths> Okay. <2 deep breaths> Okay. [A sound here... a groan from Stiletto.] [A sound here... deep breaths from two distinct people.] R.E.D. INK: There's more. PATSY: You're killing me here. GRAUSWEIN: The dead are walking the earth in New Haven. PATSY: Oh. Well... that's not that bad. R.E.D. INK: Along with vampires. PATSY: That's... that's bad. GRAUSWEIN: Possibly THAT vampire. PATSY: How can you- STILETTO: Fire monsters. PATSY: Fire monsters. [Short silence.] PATSY: Fire monsters. AND vampires. [Short silence.] PATSY: We killed him! R.E.D. INK: We don't know how- PATSY: We shoved a stake through his heart! We cut off his head! We disemboweled him, stuffed his body with garlic and vaporized his innards! Don't you tell me that you don't know how! STILETTO: We don't know how, damn it! GRAUSWEIN: His rival. PATSY: In New Haven as well? GRAUSWEIN: Yes. Reports of giant animals have- PATSY: Wait a fucking second. Are you trying to tell me that- R.E.D. INK: He has a twisted code of honor. It's entirely possible that he resurrected his own worst enemy so that they could finish their duel before we interrupted it. STILETTO: More "Tarzan on Crack vs. The Fire Monsters." [Long silence.] PATSY: Let me see if I got this straight. [Short silence.] PATSY: You're telling me that New Haven, Connecticut is under seige by undead, shamblers, fish monsters, Harlukia, Jebdorn, whatever Kramer left lying around... and on top of all that, there's a Brazeglow nexus sitting in the middle of it? GRAUSWEIN: Mind you that those are only what we've been able to confirm. R.E.D. INK: Speculate. [Short silence.] GRAUSWEIN: ...Speculate. PATSY: So it could be worse. STILETTO: It most likely is. [Long silence.] PATSY: Well, so much for Earth. See you all in Hell- GRAUSWEIN: Mr. President! PATSY: Go screw yourself! GRAUSWEIN: Mr. President! [Short silence.] PATSY: I'm... I'm sorry. What? GRAUSWEIN: We do have a chance. STILETTO: Sure we do. You get a fucking A+ for effort. GRAUSWEIN: Nuclear weapons. [Short silence.] R.E.D. INK: There... there are innocent people still in the town! Isn't it bad enough that there's a shoot-to-kill quarantine around the city? GRAUSWEIN: I assure you that most of them won't be alive before long. And those that are sure as hell won't be innocent. PATSY: Fine. Whatever. Make an atomic barbeque. Need I remind you, though, that Harlukia, everything from Brazeglow and probably half of what escaped from Kramer could bathe in nuclear waste without batting an eyelash? GRAUSWEIN: True. But it would level the playing field. R.E.D. INK: There has to be another way- GRAUSWEIN: But there isn't. [Long silence.] PATSY: What do you think, Stiletto? [Short silence.] STILETTO: Do what you want. [Long silence.] PATSY: Nuclear renovation of New Haven, Connecticut it is. [Long silence.] [More long sil*GGGGRRRRRZZZZZRRRZZRZRZRZRZRZRZR*] * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Niemann, I owe you TWELVE, you magnificent bastard. I'm getting Karen out of there even if it kills me. Yes, I am charging towards certain death. But on the upside, in the likely event of my death, you get all my stuff and all the trials and tribulations that go with them. God help us both, because no one else will. -Basquain