[White letters on black text read, "More Reader Requests:"] [A "Wanted" poster for Rufi T. Monkey slams onscreen, but the name "Rufi T. Monkey" has been scribbled out and replaced with "Zeroin." The screen darkens to make the new white letters readable. The new white letters read, "Zeroin wants chocolate, altruism and more pornography."] [The screen brightens as another "Wanted" poster slams onscreen. Although the picture is of Kyo Sohma, his name has been scratched out and replaced with "WildFire." The screen darkens again, and new white letters reading, "WildFire wants more anime characters and characters mutating."] [The posters disappear, and large bold letters appear reading, "REQUESTS GRANTED!"] ---- [SCENE: The Tendo Dojo. GENMA SAOTOME and SOUN TENDO are sitting, facing the koi pond (and, coincidentally, the camera). At their knees are two chocolate bunnies. GENMA SAOTOME and SOUN TENDO look stern and serious.] GENMA SAOTOME: Tendo-kun. SOUN TENDO: Saotome-san. GENMA SAOTOME: The Greeks called chocolate "theobroma." It translates to "Food of The Gods." [A dark flash surrounds the chocolate bunnies. The one on the left, noticeably male, leers at the one on the right, noticeably female. The female chocolate bunny looks scared.] SOUN TENDO: All true, Saotome-san. [The female chocolate bunny darts offscreen, closely followed by the male chocolate bunny.] GENMA SAOTOME: The Aztecs used cocoa beans as currency. [The female chocolate bunny streaks by, followed closely by the male chocolate bunny.] SOUN TENDO: All true, Saotome-san. [The female chocolate bunny crawls to the center of the screen, panting heavily.] GENMA SAOTOME: For 100 years, the process of turning cocoa beans into a drinkable chocolate drink was a secret held by Spanish monks. [The male chocolate bunny darts onscreen, mounts the female chocolate bunny and proceeds to hump her.] SOUN TENDO: All true, Saotome-san. [The screen darkens, and the action freezes. A white arrow points at the chololate bunnies. It has the matching label, "chocolate." A second arrow points to SOUN TENDO. The matching label reads, "All True-ism." A third arrow points at the chocolate bunnies. The matching label reads, "Mutating characters." Two more white arrows point at GENMA SAOTOME and SOUN TENDO. The mathcing labels read, "Anime Characters." And yet another arrow points to the chocolate bunnies. Its matching label reads, "Pornography."] ---- An Indie Madnesse Fic-Inna-Hour-Goda-Davida-Pollo-Loco Fic: Super-Deformed Sado-Masochism Part 7 (WARNING: This part contains... ... ...I can't bring myself to say it. ...IT HAS PLOT, DAMN IT! [sobs hysterically] ) ---- [Close-up of KAYLE's face.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): When I said that I would be halfway to Mars... [Quick zoom-out. SCENE: Outer space. SD-KAYLE is surrounded by stars. A part of what appears to be a blue planet can be seen in the lower-left corner. In the background, a silver saucer flies by. It has a sign sticking out of it reading, "Hi, Mom!"] KAYLE: [shouts] I thought I would be in a spaceship or something! [SD-KAYLE flails, sweat flying from his face.] KAYLE: What am I going to do? ---- [SCENE: A news studio. Two GENERIC EXPERTS sit side-by-side.] GENERIC EXPERT A: What is Kayle going to do, Generic Expert B? GENERIC EXPERT B: I'm glad you asked, Generic Expert A. Kayle will most likely suck vacuum. Then his body will pop like a zit, and his organs shall float forevermore in the vastness of space. GENERIC EXPERT A: That sounds like a logical course of action, Generic Expert B. GENERIC EXPERT B: Thank you, Generic Expert A. ---- [SCENE: Outer space. SD-KAYLE increases his flailing and sweating. On top of that, he begins to cry.] KAYLE: What's so logical about my imminent death, you jerkfaces?!? [Switch to a close-up of KAYLE's face. His eyes open wide. He gasps.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): ...is this it? [wheeze] Is this the end of loveable Kayle? [A lone tear falls from KAYLE's left eye.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): ...but I'm not ready yet. I've so many songs unsung. So many loves unrequited. So many Smurfs unsquished. [Switch to another view. KAYLE, his back to the camera, is at the bottom center.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): ...save me. [Space warps before KAYLE. The warped space takes the form of the face of a CREEPY OLD MAN. The CREEPY OLD MAN's hair is white and in a beehive style. He has a moustache which is tied in a square knot over his upper lip. His eyes look like red-and-blue swirls. He glares at KAYLE, making him look cross-eyed.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): Is... is that you, God? CREEPY OLD MAN: [shouts] I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT! [SD-KAYLE flails.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! CREEPY OLD MAN: I was once human like you. In my mortal form, I was known as... [Switch to a close-up of CREEPY OLD MAN's eyes.] CREEPY OLD MAN: [darkly] Creepy Old Man. [Switch to KAYLE's face. He looks surprised and stunned.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): Gasp! You don't mean... [Switch to the previous shot of SD-KAYLE and CREEPY OLD MAN.] CREEPY OLD MAN: Yes! I am THAT Creepy Old Man! And I have come, Kayle, to offer you your salvation. KAYLE (VOICEOVER): Thank y- CREEPY OLD MAN: BUT! KAYLE (VOICEOVER): I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! CREEPY OLD MAN: You may not want it once you realize... [Switch to a close-up of CREEPY OLD MAN's eyes.] CREEPY OLD MAN: ...the price you have to pay. [Switch to a shot of KAYLE's confused face.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): The price I have to pay? [Switch to the shot of SD-KAYLE before CREEPY OLD MAN.] CREEPY OLD MAN: Yes. In return for your life, you must claim your rightful place as... NARRATOR: Bum bum baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! CREEPY OLD MAN: THE OMNIBITCH! [echoes] [Switch to an upper-body shot of SD-KAYLE. A large drop of sweat appears from his head, and his face shows confusion in a cartoony fashion.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): The... what? [The screen fades to black.] CREEPY OLD MAN (VOICEOVER): The OmniBitch. [Once the screen turns black, a mysterious figure appears in the center of the screen. The figure is surrounded by a dark-blue aura, making only its outline visible.] CREEPY OLD MAN (VOICEOVER): Some say that the OmniBitch is the God of Slaves, forever in service to the God of Masters. [A FIRE ANT strolls onscreen on its hindlegs. It uses a stick to roast a marshmallow on the figure's aura.] CREEPY OLD MAN (VOICEOVER): Others say that he is the personification of the downtrodden, the enslaved, the easily-manipulated and the occasional hapless schmuck.] [A second FIRE ANT strolls onscreen on its hindlegs. it uses a stick to cook a hot dog on the figure's aura.] CREEPY OLD MAN (VOICEOVER): And some say that he's merely a superhero with a kinky fashion sense. [A third FIRE ANT strolls onscreen.] CREEPY OLD MAN (VOICEOVER): HOLY CHRIST, YOU BASTARDS! [The FIRE ANTS look up. Their eyes are exaggeratedly wide with panic.] CREEPY OLD MAN (VOICEOVER): How many times do I have to tell you to stay the hell out of my explanations? [The FIRE ANTS scurry offscreen as a giant hand stars slamming the area randomly.] CREEPY OLD MAN (VOICEOVER): Damn pests... where did I put that bug spray... so where was I? Oh, yeah. Ahem. Now the soul of the OmniBitch has fallen to you, Kayle. [HAWTGIRL peeks her head onscreen. She looks at the mysterious figure with the blue aura. She pulls a yam out of her pants.] CREEPY OLD MAN (VOICEOVER): DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! [HAWTGIRL panicks and darts offscreen.] CREEPY OLD MAN (VOICEOVER): The choice is yours, Kayle. You can reawaken the spirit and power of the OmniBitch. Or you can die in the empty vacuum of space. [GENMA SAOTOME pops his head onscreen. He looks stern and serious.] GENMA SAOTOME: Or you can take door number three. [GENMA SAOTOME grins and giggles.] GENMA SAOTOME: I've ALWAYS wanted to say that! CREEPY OLD MAN (VOICEOVER): CURSE IT ALL! [A giant hand swats GENMA SAOTOME flat.] [The screen fades back to SD-KAYLE hovering before CREEPY OLD MAN.] CREEPY OLD MAN: So what say you, Kayle? Will you claim the power that is rightfully yours? Or will you accept your death? [Switch to a front shot of KAYLE. He rubs his chin in deep contemplation. The "Final Jeopardy" theme plays. When it ends, KAYLE raises his head.] KAYLE: I have decided. CREEPY OLD MAN (OFFSCREEN): And? KAYLE: I want door number three. [Switch to a side-view of SD-KAYLE. The head of CREEPY OLD GUY looms over him, red with anger.] CREEPY OLD MAN: THERE IS NO DOOR NUMBER THREE, YOU HORSE'S ASS! [SD-KAYLE flails, sweat flying everywhere.] KAYLE: I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry! CREEPY OLD MAN: Now CHOOSE! There'll be hell to pay if I miss so much as a MINUTE of "The Gong Show!" KAYLE: Okay! Okay! I'll be the OmniBitch! I don't want to die! [Switch to a close-up of CREEPY OLD MAN's face. He grins cruelly.] CREEPY OLD MAN: So be it... KAYLE! [CREEPY OLD MAN's eyes flash a dark grey, covering the whole screen.] [Now bear with me while I try to describe this transformation sequence.] [Heavy metal plays. KAYLE rises up from the bottom of the screen, his eyes closed and his entire body slowly turning clockwise. His clothes stream off in what looks like a long bullwhip.] [The camera zooms to KAYLE's face. A black ball gag appears in his mouth. On it is kanji for "OmniBitch."] [The camera travels to a profile shot of KAYLE's head. What looks like a blue tube pops out of the back of his head.] [The camera travels to KAYLE's neck. A spiked collar magically appears.] [The camera travels to KAYLE's torso. Imagine the smallest strapless bikini top you've ever seen. Now imagine it with circles around the exposed nipples. Make it black with silver studs, and voila. That's what KAYLE's wearing.] [The camera travels to KAYLE's butt. A black speedo and flesh-colored bare-back chaps magically appear.] [The camera travels to KAYLE's feet. Stiletto boots going up to his knees magically appear.] [The heavy metal music hits the crescendo. The camera zooms out to show KAYLE in his entirety. He stops rotating when his body faces the camera.] [The camea zooms in to KAYLE's face. His eyes open. They glow read briefly before becoming a brillaint, piercing blue. His gaze is dark and cruel.] [The camera zooms out to show KAYLE in his entirety. He reaches up to the sky.] KAYLE: MMMPH MMMPH PPHHHMMMPH! [Camera switches to the confused face of CREEPY OLD GUY.] CREEPY OLD GUY: Perhaps the ball gag was a bit much. KAYLE (OFFSCREEN): YMMPH TMMPH? CREEPY OLD GUY: Oh, well. Back to Earth with you! [Switch to KAYLE's face.] KAYLE: MMPH? [KAYLE vanishes.] ---- [SCENE: The middle of nowhere. Imagine any scene from "Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome." Yeah. There. JEFF looks around. He's angry as heck.] JEFF: Curses! Where did he go? [A rumbling comes from the ground next to JEFF. The WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST pops out from the ground, startling the hell out of JEFF and causing him to go SD.] WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST: At last! At LONG last! I have returned to bring vengeance upon that witch to dropped a house on me! [A whistling sound pierces the sky and lowers in pitch. A shadow appears where WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST is standing. WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST looks up. Her jaw hits the floor. She pales.] WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST: ...not aga- [KAYLE bodyslams the ground, and, coincidentally, the WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST. SD-JEFF jumps up in the air and stays there. WICKED WITCH OF THE EAST's flattened body curls up under KAYLE's body and vanishes, leaving ruby slippers behind. KAYLE slowly picks himself up and dusts himself off. SD-JEFF composes himself and reverts to normal.] [Switch to a close-up of JEFF's face.] JEFF: What the... [JEFF gasps in surprise. He then glares.] JEFF: KAYLE! It's you! I'll- [JEFF stops, gasps and just stares muteley.] [Switch to KAYLE's feet. The camera slowly travels up to KAYLE's head. KAYLE is glaring at the camera.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): Yes. It's me, Jeff. Were you looking for me? [pause] [high-pitched] Moreover, how the HELL am I talking with a ball gag in my mouth? [Switch to JEFF. He gasps again and scrambles backwards.] JEFF: Wha... how... it can't be... How ARE YOU TALKING? [JEFF scowls again.] JEFF: No matter! Your silly costume isn't enough to stop my vengeance! HAVE AT YOU! ---- [Black screen.] NARRATOR: Tune in tomorrow to find out... [pause] ...that it is. JEFF: DAMN IT ALL!