Writing these is much easier in EditPad (where I can save) than on a message board (where I can lose all of my work at a moment's notice). But I still managed to cough this up in an hour. Honest. ---- [White letters on black text reading, "Because WildFire requested it..."] [SCENE: A gray background. A RED-HAIRED TEEN sits facing the camera. His hair is uncombed and he wears a green t-shirt with matching sweat pants. He hits himself on the head with a yellow hammer.] RED-HAIRED TEEN: Hit yourself on the head with a hammer! [RED-HAIRED TEEN hits himself on the head with the hammer.] RED-HAIRED TEEN: Hit yourself on the head with a hammer! [RED-HAIRED TEEN hits himself on the head with the hammer.] RED-HAIRED TEEN: Hit yourself on the head with a hammer! [RED-HAIRED TEEN hits himself on the head with the hammer.] RED-HAIRED TEEN: Hit yourself on the head! [RED-HAIRED TEEN hits himself on the head with the hammer twice. MEENA flies onscreen and perches on RED-HAIRED TEEN's right shoulder.] MEENA: [deep voice] Hey, biscuits-for-brains. Why are you doing that? [RED-HAIRED TEEN turns to face MEENA.] [Switch to MEENA, whose back is facing the camera. RED-HAIRED TEEN's face looms over MEENA. He chuckles, building up into giggles and full-blown mad laughter.] RED-HAIRED TEEN: Why? Why do I do this? [RED-HAIRED TEEN hits himself on the head with the hammer.] [A drop of sweat appears on MEENA's head. It's roughly half the size of his entire body.] MEENA: [high-pitched voice] NEVERMIND! I DON'T WAN- [RED-HAIRED TEEN's eyes become red swirls.] RED-HAIRED TEEN: Because... [Switch to a blue speed-line background. RED-HAIRED TEEN rises from the bottom of the screen.] RED-HAIRED TEEN: Becuase I CAN! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! [RED-HAIRED TEEN tries to hit himself in the head with his hammer, but he misses completely. The camera follows the hammer as it flips through the sky and falls in a nearby lake. MEENA and RED-HAIRED TEEN dash to the lake's side.] [Switch to a second view of the lake. The water glows and shimmers. A winged fairy with blue hair and a shimmery-blue dress rises from the water. When she finishes emerging, she hovers over the now-tranquil waters.] [Switch to a facial shot of the winged fairy. She smiles kindly towards the camera.] FAIRY: [soothing, sweet] Greetings. I am Timin, the spirit of Plot Contrivance Lake. [Switch to a zoomed-out shot of TIMIN. She extends her arms and opens her hands. In her left hand is a golden hammer. In her right hand is an iron hammer.] TIMIN: Tell me... did you drop [extends her right hand] this iron hammer, or did you drop [extends her left hand] this gold hammer? [Switch to MEENA and RED-HAIRED TEEN. MEENA blinks audibly. RED-HAIRED TEEN looks skyward and scratches his head.] [This goes on for thirty seconds.] [Switch to TIMIN, still in the same pose, but with a vein beginning to throb in her forehead.] [Switch to MEENA and RED-HAIRED TEEN.] RED-HAIRED TEEN: Actually... [Switch to TIMIN, who looks calm once more.] TIMIN: Yes? [Switch to MEENA and RED-HAIRED TEEN.] RED-HAIRED TEEN: The one I dropped was made of cheese. [Switch to TIMIN. She drops both hammers. They make a splashing sound as they hit offscreen. Her face slowly contorts in anger.] TIMIN: Cheese? [Switch to a close-up of TIMIN's eyes. They're bloodshot.] TIMIN: CHEESE?!? [Switch to a shot of TIMIN throttling RED-HAIRED TEEN.] TIMIN: YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD! HOW DARE YOU MENTION CHEESE IN MY PRESENCE? [Switch to a shot of RED-HAIRED TEEN throttling TIMIN.] RED-HAIRED TEEN: I'm telling you that my hammer was made of cheese! [Switch to a shot of TIMIN throttling RED-HAIRED TEEN.] TIMIN: What did I tell you about mentioning cheese to me?!? [Switch to a shot of RED-HAIRED TEEN throttling TIMIN.] RED-HAIRED TEEN: Give me back my cheese hammer! [Switch to a shot with RED-HAIRED TEEN and TIMIN taking turns throttling each other in the background. MEENA pops his head up in the foreground, facing the audience.] MEENA: [deep voice] And the director was punished for no particular reason. [In the background, we see the DIRECTOR flung into Lake Plot Contrivance.] RED-HAIRED TEEN: I dropped a cheese director in the lake, too! TIMIN: I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! [MEENA turns to face RED-HAIRED TEEN and TIMIN. He then turns back to the camera. He lets out a visible sigh.] ---- An Indie Madnesse Message Board Fic Inna Hour Con Carne Kobayashi Super-Deformed Sado-Masochism! Part 5: Ice Cream of DOOM! WARNING: It is strongly advised by 4 out of 5 vampiric yodelers to read this chapter as loudly as you possibly can. In a language you don't know, if at all possible. ---- [SCENE: ROXANNE's bedroom. It is morning, and the sun's rays begin to shine from the window. There is no sign of JAMES EARL JONES, but SD-JEFF is still pinned onto the wall. ROXANNE, hidden from camera's view, yawns. We see the bed sheets rustle. We hear her scratch softly. She then springs up out of bed. Her breasts are covered by two pink, cartoony RABBIT HEADS.] RABBIT HEADS: You don't get to see! You don't get to see! [ROXANNE looks down at the chanting RABBIT HEADS.] RABBIT HEADS: You don't get to see! You don't get to see! You don't get- [Switch to a shot of the wall were SD-JEFF is pinned. The RABBIT HEADS slam into the wall hard enough to leave cracks. Their eyes are swirls.] ROXANNE (OFFSCREEN): I thought I told you to stay away from there! [The RABBIT HEADS groan as they slide down the wall with audible squeaks. SD-JEFF begins to stir.] JEFF: [yawn] Oh, Mom. You wouldn't believe the dream I had. I dreamt that I was captured by a warped suburban woman that pinned me to the wall and... ROXANNE (OFFSCREEN): [darkly] Good morning, Jeff. [SD-JEFF gulps audibly.] [Switch to the face of a very-pissed-looking ROXANNE. We see the back of SD-JEFF's panicking head in the lower-left corner.] JEFF: [high-pitched] Good morning, Queen Sire Commander Sir... Dude? [ROXANNE grinds her teeth, making heavy grinding noise.] ROXANNE: [darkly] I'll punish you as soon as I've gotten my morning coffee. [ROXANNE turns to the right.] ROXANNE: KAYLE! [There is a three-second pause.] ROXANNE: Kayle! [Switch to another shot of the bedroom. We see ROXANNE from the belly button up. Floating RACCOON HEADS cover her breasts. ROXANNE is livid.] ROXANNE: KAYLE! Come to your master at once or- RACCOON HEADS: You don't get to see! You don't get to see! [A vein throbs on ROXANNE's forehead. The vein is larger than her forehead. She raises her right fist as the RACOON HEADS continue to chant.] [Switch to an outer shot of ROXANNE's house.] ROXANNE (VOICEOVER): GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THERE! [The RACCOON HEADS are thrown through the roof. The camera follows them as they sail through the sky and crash through the windows of a factory labeled "Ye Olde Smutte Publishinge Plante."] RACCOON HEADS (VOICEOVER): You don't get to see! You don't get to see! MALE VOICE (VOICEOVER): My GOD! We're ruined! RUINED, I SAY! ---- [Switch to ROXANNE's living room. She's in her dominatrix outfit, holding a bullwhip in her right hand and panting heavily.] ROXANNE: Kayle! [Switch to a shot of ROXANNE's face. Her features soften from anger to despair.] ROXANNE: [softly] Kayle... ---- [SCENE: SD-KAYLE's face. He sneezes.] [Zoom-out. The background is a crudely-drawn street. KAYLE wipes his nose with a tissue. To his left is a MOUND OF SNOT. Eyes appear and blink out of the MOUND OF SNOT.] KAYLE: Wuh. Someone must be talking about me. MOUND OF SNOT: I'm envisioning many slow and painful ways to bring forth your demise. Does that count? [SD-KAYLE looks shocked at the MOUND OF SNOT.] KAYLE: GRANDMA?!? ---- [Switch to ROXANNE's living room. ROXANNE slumps onto a nearby couch, rubbing her forehead and staring at the ceiling.] ROXANNE: Oh, Kayle... don't tell me... ---- [SCENE: SD-KAYLE's face. He sneezes.] [Zoom-out. Same crudely-drawn street, a block down. SD-KAYLE wipes his nose with a tissue. A different MOUND OF SNOT (2) glares hatefully at him.] KAYLE: There's that feeling again. Someone must be talking about me. MOUND OF SNOT (2): Cover your mouth, you jerkface! Were you raised in a barn? [SD-KAYLE gasps.] KAYLE: How did you know my dark and dirty secret?!? ---- [Switch to ROXANNE's living room. ROXANNE sighs and moans.] ROXANNE: Oh, sigh. Oh, moan. What is a leather goddess to do? JEFF (OFFSCREEN): I have a suggestion! ROXANNE: What, slave? JEFF (OFFSCREEN): Get me off of this wall! ---- [White letters on black text reading, "One getting Jeff off of the wall later..."] ---- [SCENE: A post-apocalyptic city. Buildings smolder and smoke against a blood-red sky. A MAN IN TATTERED CLOTHES kneels on the ground, facing skyward with tear-filled eyes.] MAN IN TATTERED CLOTHES: Oh, God... I knew there would be penalties for early withdrawal... [MAN IN TATTERED CLOTHES sobs in earnest.] MAN IN TATTERED CLOTHES: But this... I HAD NO IDEA! FORGIVE ME! ---- [White letters on black text reading, "That's a bit too much later..."] ---- [Switch to ROXANNE's living room. She lazes on the couch, looking depressed and bereft. JEFF is on the floor, looking up at ROXANNE.] JEFF (VOICEOVER): I've never seen this side of her before. [Pause. ROXANNE sniffles.] JEFF (VOICEOVER): But then again, I've been walking around on my hind legs for so long, I've almost forgotten what walking around like a normal alligator is like. ROXANNE: Oh, where, oh, where, is K- OFFSCREEN VOICES: For the love of GOD, don't say his name again! ROXANNE: [continues as if she didn't hear] -be? Is he eating properly? Are his underpants on crooked? Is he running for his life from a rabid toaster oven? [Switch to ROXANNE's profile. As she whips her head, we see the hint of a tear in the air.] ROXANNE: Oh, my wayward K- OFFSCREEN VOICES: Don't say that name, you stupid witch! [Switch to ROXANNE laying on the couch again. After a second, a light bulb appears over his head. ROXANNE idly swats at it, causing it to crash onto the ground. A few FIRE ANTS clean it up off of the floor and vanish as abruptly as they appeared.] JEFF: Say... if I found him for you, could I have my freedom? ROXANNE: [sigh] No, but I'll refrain from trading your scales in for magic beans for a week. [JEFF hums.] JEFF: Throw in a marshmallow, and you got yourself a deal! ROXANNE: [sigh] Deal. [Switch to a close-up of JEFF's face. He grins, showing all of his teeth.] JEFF (VOICEOVER): Just you wait, Kayle! [OFFSCREEN VOICES curse, shout and hiss.] ---- [SCENE: SD-KAYLE's face. He sneezes once again. He wipes his nose.] KAYLE: Whoa! Someone must have been talking ill of me! [Quick zoom-out to show a background of an entire city caked with snot. Hundreds of eyes glare at him from within the snot-covered city. KAYLE is completely oblivious to this.] KAYLE: Oh, well! Tra la leee! [SD-KAYLE prances offscreen. The angry gazes follow his movements.] ---- [Black screen. As the ANNOUNCER announces each title, it appears onscreen with white letters. Each new title replaces the previous title. ANNOUNCER (OFFSCREEN): Tune in tomorrow for chapter 6 of SDSM, titled "The Vengeance of Jeff!" OR! "The Price of Kayle's Freedom Is Not Free!" OR! "That's Snot Funny, You Sicko!" OR! "Two Quarts of Wrong, Medium Fries And A Large Battery Acid!" OR! "Peanut Butter And MURDER!" OR! "Aopoingas Anaslijfpsn Buoansdgladn Bysoigne!" OR! "The Chapter That Has Too Many Damn Titles!" OR! "There Once Was A Man From Nantuck-" [The sound of someone being hit over the head with a hammer is played.] RED-HAIRED TEEN (OFFSCREEN): BECAUSE I CAN! TIMIN (OFFSCREEN): Come back here, you cheese-tained hellspawn! RED-HAIRED TEEN (OFFSCREEN): You know what else I can do? KAYLE! LOTS OF VOICES (OFFSCREEN): Oh, shi- [A sneeze loud enough to shake the screen is heard. This is followed by a large squishing sound.] RANDOM VOICES (OFFSCREEN): ...Damn it.