Author note: My computer restarted 15 minutes into the first writing. If this seems a tad rushed, you now know why. ...because I'm an impatient, easily-frustrated bastard. ^_^; As Sonic would say, "Here we GO!" ---- [Pink letters on a black background read, "Because Madsman requested it..."] [Red letters on a pink background read, "HAWT GIRL ON GIRL LUV LUV!"] [The letters disappear. An SD-REDHEAD prances onscreen from the left, her body facing the camera. Her eyes are closed, and she smiles widely. She's wearing a frilly red dress. An SD-BRUNETTE prances onscreen from the right, her body facing the camera. Her eyes are closed, and she smiles widely. She's wearing a frilly black dress.] [Camera switches to the SD-BRUNETTE.] SD-BRUNETTE: Good morning, Hawtgirl! [Camera switches to HAWTGIRL (the SD-REDHEAD).] HAWTGIRL: Good morning, Ongirl! [Camera switches to ONGIRL (the SD-BRUNETTE). She is blushing and looking at her fidgeting hands.] ONGIRL: Hawtgirl, I... I... [Pause. ONGIRL begins to cry.] ONGIRL: Hawtgirl, I love you! [ONGIRL begins to bawl.] [Camera switches to HAWTGIRL, who is beginning to tear up herself.] HAWTGIRL: I love you, too, Ongirl! [Camera pans out to show HAWTGIRL and ONGIRL leap towards each other, arms extended, in slow-motion. The background is caked with sparkles and roses, and the romantic music is overpowering. When they hug, everything stops, and the roses and sparkles are violently replaced with white arrows pointing at the couple, text on the top reading, "GOAL: HAWTGIRL ONGIRL LUV LUV:" and text on the bottom reading, "COMPLETE!"] [Camera switches to an above-at-an-angle view of HAWTGIRL and ONGIRL performing a waltz. The camera slowly pans out, revealing that SIR REGINALD SOMETHINGOROTHER and LORD FLUGLEBLATT are still locked in mortal prancing.] SIR REGINALD SOMETHINGOROTHER: Do you yield, you posticulous warblebottom? LORD FLUGLEBLATT: Not now and not never, you bascillanimous replishire! [The camera continues to pan out, revealing KENJAKI holding a crying RYUJIRO.] RYUJIRO: Rubber baby buggy bumpers, Kenjaki? [sniffle] KENJAKI: [tenderly] Upon the slitted sheet I sit, dear friend. RYUJIRO: [happy sigh] Oh, bless our Yami Yugi/Yugi Yaoi! [MEENA flies on camera. He looks at the three couples. He looks at the camera. He looks at the three couples again. He looks at the camera again.] MEENA: And the director was punished because of- [MEENA's face becomes distorted and ugly with rage.] MEENA: -WRONG! [Cut to a shot of the director sitting in his chair and talking on his cell phone.] OFFSCREEN VOICE: EAR PIERCING! [A giant rabbit ear falls on top of the director. A giant needle barely misses the rabbit ear.] OFFSCREEN VOICE 2: Easter Bunny, you drunken bastard! Give me that! ---- Indie Madnesse Message Board Presents Super-Deformed SadoMasochism! Written by W4 With inspiration and assistance from Mirisa Erato and Stephana. Part: 4 Audience: 0 RBI: 2 Errors: Too many to mention (this is a fic-inna-hour, after all) Hot Dogs: $4.50 Nacho Cheese: YOU DON'T DESERVE IT, AND YOU NEVER WILL! ---- [SCENE: Roxanne's bedroom. The goth motif perserveres; what isn't black is blood-red. We see the foot of ROXANNE's bed. SD-KAYLE is tied tightly into a black sleeping bag. SD-JEFF is stuck on the wall, looking mighty uncomfortable. SD-KAYLE shudders.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): This is no good. This is no good at all! [ROXANNE snores loudly, causing SD-KAYLE and SD-JEFF to convulse in fear.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): I've got to get out of this crazy place! JEFF (VOICEOVER): YOU'VE got to get out of this place? At least you got a sleeping bag! Look at me! I'm a freaking decoration! KAYLE (VOICEOVER): Do you mind? I'm trying to think to myself! JEFF (VOICEOVER): Think all you want, but stop whining! JAMES EARL JONES (VOICEOVER): This... is CNN. KAYLE and JEFF (VOICEOVER): STAY OUT OF THIS! JAMES EARL JONES (VOICEOVER): This... is disrespect. [SD-KAYLE and SD-JEFF sigh. The sound of bedsheets rustling is heard.] ROXANNE: ...the barbed candles, Kayle... Jeff... hurt at first... [Big sweatdrops briefly appear on the heads of SD-KAYLE and SD-JEFF.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): Barbed candles? I HATE THIS! JAMES EARL JONES (VOICEOVER): This... is sheer duress. [SD-KAYLE grits his teeth.] [Camera switches to a close-up of KAYLE's face. He looks determined and desperate. His eyes flash subtlely.] KAYLE: Okay. I can't get out of this sleeping bag, but I CAN manuever in it. [Camera switches to a crude diagram. The diagram is a jagged line with a box on the left labeled "Front Door," a box on the rigth labeled "Roxanne's bedroom" and what appears to be a group of grease stains in the center. What looks like a caterpillar version of KAYLE is on the box on the right. It inches its way to the left, completely ignoring the line, as KAYLE speaks.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): If I can inch my way down the stairs and to the front door, I'll open the door with my mouth and crawl to freedom! [Camera switches to KAYLE's face, full of determination.] KAYLE: Here's my lucky CHANCE! [White lettering on a black background reads, "2 hours of crawling in a sleeping bag later..."] [Camera switches to a shot of a rainforest. SD-KAYLE is in the center, being pecked at by tickbirds.] KAYLE: [sobbing] What's lucky about this? [White lettering on a black background reads, "Escape Plan A: Failed!"] [Camera switches back to ROXANNE's bedroom. SD-KAYLE is at the foot of ROXANNE's bed, crying mini-waterfalls.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): Now what am I going to do? [Camera switches to KAYLE's face. He's stilly crying waterfalls, but his face shows rage and determination.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): Think! JAMES EARL JONES (VOICEOVER): This... is dra-ma-tic! KAYLE (VOICEOVER): WHO ASKED YOU?!? [sigh] Okay... maybe I can do this. [Camera switches to a Burger Bootie placemat, complete with shameless product placement as well as Burger Bootie's mascot, Burger Bootie Call saying in a word bubble, "Hey, kids! Smack that bun!" SD-KAYLE, looking like a caterpillar, inches onscreen. It moves in a completely random direction while KAYLE speaks.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): If I can inch my way to the bedroom window, I can use my head to push it open and fall my way to freedom! [Camera switches to KAYLE's face, full of determination.] KAYLE: Here's my lucky CHANCE! [Camera switches to ROXANNE's bedroom. SD-KAYLE inches his way towards the window. For the male viewers, there is a shot of a sleeping ROXANNE that leaves little to the imagination. Text on the bottom of the screen even reads, "For the male viewers." An image of a muscleman in a speedo is briefly imposed on the screen, and the text reads, "For the female viewers." An image of a crudely-drawn duck appears, and the text reads, "For the rest of you sickos."] [Oh yeah. KAYLE. I was getting to him. Really.] [As he reaches the edge of the screen, the camera switches to a shot of his smiling face. Two seconds later, his face shows exaggerated surprise and horror.] [Camera switches to show the bedroom window. It is covered in bars, barbed wire, laser guns and what looks like a dust bunny with bloodshot eyes and fangs. In the foregroudnd is an openly-crying SD-KAYLE.] [White lettering on a black background reading, "Escape Plan B: FAILED!"] [Camera switches to the foot of ROXANNE's bed. SD-KAYLE is snickering like a madman.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): This one will work for sure! It HAS TO! JEFF (VOICEOVER): ...the poor kid has flipped. JAMES EARL JONES (VOICEOVER): This... is lu-na- KAYLE (VOICEOVER): GENERIC STANDARD BATTLE CRY! MAGIC SUBSTITUTION! [SD-KAYLE is covered in a white cloud of smoke. When it clears, we see SD-JAMES EARL JONES trapped in the sleeping bag.] JAMES EARL JONES (VOICEOVER): This... is fucked up shit. [Camera switches to the front of ROXANNE's house. KAYLE stands with his back to the house, the breeze messing with his hair and gently blowing small sweatdrops off of his body. A subtle melody plays in the background.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): Ah... freedom. The great, chewy taste of liberty that so many take for granted. [A cow floats in the air in the background. KAYLE's face becomes stern.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): Oh, Roxanne-chan... my darling Roxanne... what has become of you? Why have you become so... so... [Switch to a close-up of KAYLE's eyes.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): So not-nifty? [Switch to the previous angle. KAYLE turns to the house, his back to the camera.] KAYLE (VOICEOVER): Hang in there, Roxanne, and your scary animal friend. JEFF (VOICEOVER): My name is Jeff, damn you! KAYLE (VOICEOVER): Roxanne, my frosted mini-wheat, I will cure you of your perversion! [As the melody reaches its end, an image of ROXANNE is superimposed above the house. A second later, KAYLE turns SD and panics wildly.] KAYLE: ROXANNE! OH, NO! [KAYLE starts bowing and scraping at high speeds.] KAYLE: I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry- [The image of ROXANNE scowls at KAYLE.] ROXANNE'S IMAGE: I'm a background decoration, you idiot! KAYLE: Pleaseforgivemeohhighandexaltedandallthatandabagofchipsqueensama! [ROXANNE'S IMAGE rolls her eyes and groans.] ROXANNE'S IMAGE: You really DO need to be retrained from scratch. [KAYLE stops in mid-bow and leaps straight, screaming, until he's eye level with ROXANNE'S IMAGE. He stops midair for a moment and then dashes offscreen, leaving a dust cloud in his wake.] ---- [Fade to SD-JEFF, still on the wall.] JEFF: [growls] I'm still... stuck... on the freaking... WALL! [Switch to a zoomed-out shot, showing SD-JAMES EARL JONES ON THE FLOOR. He's crying waterfalls.] JAMES EARL JONES (VOICEOVER): This... is so unfair! JEFF (VOICEOVER): You said it! ---- [Switch to a pink background.] VOICE (OFFSCREEN): That's the LAST time I let the Ghost of Christmas Commercialization pierce ANYTHING of mine! VOICE 2 (OFFSCREEN): Oh, quit your whining. You're the embodiment of allergies! What do you need a nose for, anyways? [HAWTGIRL's head pops onscreen from the left. She looks around warily, tiptoeing her way to the center of the screen. She fidgets.] HAWTGIRL: Um... er... well... [HAWTGIRL faces the camera.] HAWTGIRL: I... I just wanted to say that I don't really love Ongirl. It's just an act. [Pause.] HAWTGIRL: In fact... I think she's a bit of a skank. [ONGIRL whooshes onscreen, kicking HAWTGIRL in the face. HAWTGIRL oversells the blow, spinning backwards in the air six times before hitting the ground with her face. Her body stays erect. ONGIRL's body is covered with throbbing veins.] ONGIRL: WHAT WAS THAT, YOU WHORE? [HAWTGIRL picks her face up off of the ground with an audible pop. She rubs it.] HAWTGIRL: I luv you. [ONGIRL instantly switches to pure happiness. Cue the roses, sparkles and romatic music. ONGIRL glomps HAWTGIRL.] ONGIRL: I luv you, too! Let's never fight again! Smoochie smoochie! [HAWTGIRL holds up a sign reading, "Help me."] ---- 4 down. 16 to go. Here's hoping I can keep the pace up. Rest assured that Roxanne shall have vengeance most dire.