*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Indie Madnesse proudly presents: IMPROFICROAST: Improvisational MiSTing or Making Fun Of Godboys Can Be Tricky http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net/ifroast.htm Episode 012: Hopelessly Lost Riffers, Mads, Contributors & Other Helpful People: -Signus Megido (maramala@hotmail.com) Intro, MSTing, Skits, Conclusion, Editor, Villain -Mark Poa (markpoa@edsamail.com.ph) Intro, MSTing, Skits, Conclusion, Editor, Sidekick -Ranma X (drstupid@geocities.com) Intro, MiSTing, Skits, Conclusion, Dark Brooding Angst -NeoVid (neovid@hotmail.com) Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion, Bizarro World Riffing -S. D. Ryukage (dragon48@ptd.net) Intro, MSTing, Conclusion, Murder Attempts -Jonatan Streith (a99jonst@student.his.se) Intro, MSTing, Conclusion, Editor, Conspiracy Theorist -The MultiMediocre Knight (themmk@canada.com) Delayed MSTing, Yay Fury! -Rick R. Mortis (rickr@ihug.com.au) Intro, MSTing, Skits, Conclusion, provided Tango -Austin Loomis (AGLoomis@aol.com) MSTing, IN references -Nicholas "Vidstudent" Eckert (vidstudent@hotmail.com) MSTing, Bullets -The Black Snotling (camcarr@ibm.net) Intro, MSTing, Explody -t.ogre (quasispace@ev1.net) MSTing, Quasispacer -Alair (asellus@seanbaby.com) MSTing, Surprise Appearance -Thomas Wilde (twilde@gamepartisan.com) MSTing, Not In Charge -Zetazsol (zetazsol@yahoo.com) MSTing, Modron Cosplayer -Majin (majin@houston.rr.com) MSTing, Standin For Elmer Fudd -Marvolo's Sidekick (ehyrynth@hotmail.com) MSTing, Stuff -Zemyla (pad53945@sci.tamucc.edu) MSTing, More Stuff Additional thanks to "TS" Eliot for permission to use Tango. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* For whatever reason, Signus Megido decided we should riff some Eyrie. No, I'm not sure why. But they seem to garner a lot of attraction, much to the displeasure of the author. There were some snafu with our brothers (or cousins, possibly inlaws) in arms, the MOT, over who had actually called dibs first, but we settled it, and then decided to make a joint MST. Somewhere along the line we decided to invite our new friends from Elmer Studios. Three certified loons with little or no restraint. Several heavy weapons in the hands of angry people. Eight riffers, all in various grades of displeasure over their current predicament. One long 'fic to take out their aggressions on. The result? Read on... */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* OBLIGATORY LEGAL BLAH MST3K & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Bubblegum Crisis and its characters are probably copyright someone, but I'll be damned if I know who; chances are it's you. Don't sue, we're all penniless, humble people. Benjamin "Gryphon" Hutchins, Brian "Megazone" Bilkowicz, Fury, Eyrie, the Wedge and all related concepts are copyright Eyrie Productions. Similarily, the story "Hopelessly Lost" is copyright Eyrie Productions and is used with permission. Author avatars belong to their respective authors. MISTING CLASSIFICATION [MST]: Meta-Misting - Misting Of A Misting, Or A Unusual Misting The misting was completely improvised; see the ImproFicRoast home page for more details. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* The story began in a certain university in a certain country in a certain part of Asia, located in a certain part of the world. In the spacious open campus cafeteria overlooking the wide soccer field, several college students were gathered there. Some were studying for their next exams, others were taking a break from their previous lecture, and the rest were most likely skipping their currently scheduled classes. At one corner of the cafeteria, a TV set was set up, mainly intended to show educational programs and video lectures. However, some ingenious ECE students have managed to jury rig a satellite antenna tap, and today it was serviced to show foreign cable channels. Two of these aforementioned students were enjoying a light snack as they passed the time between their classes, and occasionally alternates between watching the TV and checking out the idyllic scenery around them. Both were clothed in the usual prescribed school slacks and polo shirts, although the stockier of the two wore a heavily-smudged lab coat over his uniform. He was troubled, sighing heavily as he idly stirred his mais con hielo. His companion, a smaller, unremarkable-looking guy, noticed this and was concerned. "Something on your mind, Sig?" He asked aloud. "...what in the eight circle of hell is an elective subject entitled 'Political Sociology' doing as my course requirement anyway?" Signus Megido ranted, jabbing at the confection before him several times to emphasize his poing. "Stupid. half-baked... I swear, this must be one of those illogical things these commercialized 'colleges' come up with to rip us off. I mean, do you think we would be needing stuff like 'General Ethics' and 'Basic Economics' in politics?" "Maybe..." his companion semi-agreed as he continued digging in to his own dessert. Signus briefly paused to swallow a spoonful of the dessert before continuing his ranting. "Damn... Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to finish my college degree.. This stupid exchange program is really beginning to annoy me no end. I'd almost believe this educational system of our country's out to kill me. Know what I mean?" "Uh, huh..." his companion nodded, more out of courtesy than actually paying attention. "So..." Signus spoke after finishing up his dessert. "What about you? What've you been up to these days?" Mark Poa swallowed a spoonful of ice cream and grinned. "Not much. I've finally gotten rid of a pesky houseguest, but my house is still a mess. I've been spending all my extra time studying..." Signus snorted. "Studying? Yeah, right. New anime, perhaps..." Mark shook his head, and pointed at his pie ala mode with a spoon. "Funny thing... Do you know that even a small thing like a banana split can be dangerous for your health?" Signus shrugged. "Reminds me of all those mongo bean anecdotes... What's the punchline?" "I doubt I'll get one for a while." Signus gave Mark the "You're weird" look, then sighed. "Well, at least you've passed your minor subjects, especially Psych..." "'Effects of Too Much Anime Watching on the Scholastic and Reasoning Skills of College Level Students'. I never thought they'd accept that thesis paper," Mark said. "Thanks for volunteering to be a test subject, by the way." Signus waved him off. "Don't mention it. It was nothing... Too bad I can't use your report anymore. They've seen it." Mark thought for a moment. "How about, 'Attitudes of Heterosexual Males towards Skimpier Bathing Suits'?" he suggested. "That was my first suggestion. Didn't get accepted." "'Sociological Ramifications of L5R'?" "Some guy named Chay beat me to it." "Um... How about 'Various Nocturnal Recreational Activities and Their Practical Applications'?" "It got shot down the moment they read the title," Signus groused. "You could interview those nursing students across the room. Maybe they're willing to be in a study?" Mark suggested. The two looked at the group of four good-looking women with distinctive hairstyles chatting gaily as they gathered around one table at the far end of the cafeteria. They all looked to be in their late teens, and were in uniforms of the local nursing school. Signus brightened. "Sayyy... Good idea," he said with a smile. He got up and walked over to the group. Mark winced as the slap connected. Signus returned to his seat, a red palm print decorating his cheek. "Stupid femmes..." "What did you say, anyway?" Mark inquired. "'Excuse me, ladies, but would any of you like to help me out with my psychosexual research?'" Signus replied. He paused. "I did say 'psychological' just now, right?" "Nope. You said 'psychosexual'." Signus smacked his forehead. "Argh. Damn Freudian slips..." Mark chuckled. "Looks like you're out of luck." Signus sat back down and watched the TV. The newcaster was just wrapping up the day's reports, and the snotling reporter was immediately replaced by a familiar logo. "Oh, look, 'Gavok, it name HELLO!' is on. Remember those guys?" "Yeah... Hey, maybe your adviser will be willing to accept 'Psychological Effects of Reading Internet Fanfiction on the Minds of the Clinically Insane'," Mark said in jest. Signus slowly turned around and stared at Mark. "What? Do I have pie on my face?" Mark asked nervously. Signus slowly grinned. "Mark! You're a genius!" "I am?" "That's exactly what I'm going to do!" Signus exclaimed dramatically. "I'll borrow Woofy's theater, 'recruit' some of our 'net pals, and subject them to fanfiction!" "Wha-what?" "I'll monitor their reactions, write up that paper, turn it in and ace that course for sure!" Signus powerposed while lightning struck outside the cafeteria. Mark blinked at that particularly meteorological phenomenon... given that it was a bright and sunny day. The long hazel-haired waitress passing their table returned to the counter and jibbered something about working too hard as she adjusted the stray strands of her hear that were jutting upwards like antennae. "I was kidding, Siggy," Mark said, quickly finishing the last of his ice cream. "Besides, you know how W4 is frightened by you. You did threaten to maul him severely for putting you into the theater. How would you get him to lend it to you?" "Oh, I'll... think... of something, don't worry..." Signus replied, grinning disturbingly like a Cheshire Cat. "I don't like where this is going," Mark thought nervously, feeling weirdly like Alice. *********** "You... are... renting... my... theater..." Mad Doctor W4 asked incredulously. "Err... yeah." "*You*... are... renting... my... theater..." W4 repeated. "Look... I just want to borrow it for the weekend," Mark nervously answered. He made a mental note to talk to Signus later. *********** "Can't believe he actually loaned me the whole theater," Mark said in wonderment. "Can't believe he believed it when you said you were going to show home movies to visiting relatives," Signus replied huffly, not even looking over his own adjustments. "Can't believe he accepted your payment in Sakura Wars plushies." "You gotta know people," Signus said with a wink, "and give them what they want." He finished setting the final targets to be abducted on the Teleporter(tm) and stood up. "Wasn't the secretary included in this deal?" "No, she's on vacation." Signus snapped his fingers. "Nuts. Ah, well... let's begin the experiment." "But..." *********** Jonatan Streith was making evil plans. Well, that's not really true. In actuality, he was enjoying a cup of tea at a rather quaint street café. (La Bella Italia; lovely atmosphere, somewhat unfriendly staff, their mocha latte is to die for.) He gazed at the clouds mesmerisingly rolling across the sky while half-listening to his guest recount the events of the day. In the background, Moxy Fruvous was playing on the radio. "--and then the teacher said that no, I couldn't turn in my report after the presentation, and that I should've turned it in two days before." The teenage girl shook her head. "I mean, how can they instruct us to have done something beforehand? That's not helping any." She leaned over and waved her hand in front of his face. "Hey, Earth to Jonatan. Hey!" "Hm." He blinked a few times, and pulled his attention back to the immediate area. "Sorry. Anyway, they tend to do that." "Who?" "Teachers." Jonatan shrugged. "Everyone, most of the time. It's an unconscious effect. Either you strike out on your own, or you try to fit into the system. Either is readily available here, it's just the choice that's hard to make. And hard to live with, sometimes..." He took another sip from his cup. Cerise stared at him. "...what? I don't understand." Jonatan smiled. "Just don't assume humans are rational creatures, is all. Speaking of irrationality, how's your boyfriend?" Cerise frowned slightly, and not only because of the sudden change of topic. "I don't have a boyfriend." "Well, remedy that." She facepalmed. "Jeez, be a little more pushy, would you? Besides, what about my... my..." "Your condition?" He waved his hand dismissively. "I wouldn't worry about that. Happens in anime all the time. Or are you worried he'll ask questions about the barcode on--" Cerise stiffened, face panic. "How did you find out?!" "...I was actually joking about that." He tapped his chin. "But thanks for the pleasant mental image." Noticing the early signs of her nearing critical mass, he sighed. "Sorry, I'm just ribbing you a bit. Relax, it's too nice a day to waste like that." Cerise froze, then let go of the table edge, which had developed a few dents from her grip. "I suppose." She took another biscuit and nibbled on it. Jonatan leaned back on his chair, taking a deep breath, and grinned. "Yep, on a day like this... nothing can go wrong." He vanished in a puff of smoke. Oh man..." Cerise shook her head. "Not again." Unnoticed, a miniature saucer-like object floated by. ************ A plushie of Jonatan popped out. Signus grinned evilly. "One down." "This is fun." "I know." *********** Ranma X was flying through space, a bright cheery smile on his face and very much not affected by such minor things like that inconvenient vacuum. A look of evil crossed his features as he pressed a button on a small remote he had in his hand and watched with almost orgasmic ecstasy as galaxies detonated all around him. Casually he willed a dimensional portal into existence, and quickly departed the very moment before that particular universe was no more-- --Ranma X was jolted awake as his astrophysics lecture wrapped up for today, which brought him back to reality. "Goddamn it. And I was having my favorite dream again." He looked at the departing class with undisguised malice and darkly muttered, "I will be the arbiter of your souls. Oh yes, I will be." Then he realized he was hungry and walked out of the lecture hall, his mind filled with anarchy and chaos and general mayhem and all other similar pleasant thoughts. Ranma X was then promptly abducted by a stranger. Oddly enough, (to Ranma X anyways,) this did not lead him to yet another routine torture session at the IFR Studios. He was instead deposited in a diner somewhere along I-35 in Duluth, Minnesota. The stranger was in fact a sentient twenty-six cubic foot refrigerator, and very nice about waking Ranma X up in a booth in front of a pancake breakfast with coffee. Right now he excused himself after profusely apologizing to a waking Ranma X for accidentally abducting him instead of his real target. Ranma X grabbed his head as he floated back to consciousness, the last stanzas of the Fruit Baskets opening song echoing around him as he tried to gather his thoughts. "Nevar feer, teh bigest writter evar si hear!" Ranma X looked around in surprise after hearing the string of incoherence. "Doc Thinker? President Bush? Elvis?" After a moment, he spotted the murderer of the English language. "Oh. It's only you. What's going on, NeoVid?" The walking contradiction in the trenchcoat of cosmic paradox looked at him silently for a moment, then wittily replied, "What the ^*%$ are you talking about?" "...Wait. You've been at that Stripcreator place again, haven't you?" Ranma X asked rhetorically. "I DO NOT SUCK- ow!" NeoVid exclaimed as Ranma X smacked him in the head. "Stop acting like a freak." NeoVid handed him a mirror. "There's another way to act?" Ranma X facepalmed. "I wonder what else Satan has planned for me today..." The universe struck with perfect comedic timing, as the two of them disappeared wuth just barely enough time to react. "I didn't want an answer!" Ranma X's voice echoed as a saucer-like thing floated by. ************ A plushie of Ranma X followed by a plushie of NeoVid popped out. "Okay, that's three down..." Signus stated, marking off names on a list. "You made a list?" Mark asked incredulously. "'And checking it twice,'" Signus said with a grin. "'Gonna find out who's naughty or nice...' Hey, you have to go about this methodically, you know. This is a serious scientific study we're experimenting on." "Yeah, whatever..." Mark rolled his eyes heavenward. "Anyway, who's next?" ************ The three appeared inside the theater lobby in successive puffs of smoke. "Moh?" Jonatan, finding himself languishing in air, promptly crashed painfully to the floor. Grunting slightly from the pain, he sat up and looked around. "...right. This is divine punishment, isn't it?" He shook his head and got to his feet. "How many deities did I piss off this time..." Ranma X popped into existence holding a mug of coffee and three sugar packets which immediately fell out of his hands and on his face. He also appeared from the ceiling and fell about two stories. NeoVid (who had materialized standing and no worse for wear) watched and winced when Ranma X landed screaming with a non-dramatic thump. After cringing in pain from first degree burns and allowing the fall trauma to pass, Ranma X murmured, "Ow," and looked up where he saw NeoVid standing near him, arms raised. "RAAAR! NEOVID WILL CORNHOLE--" *WHAM!* "Ow! Thank you!" Ranma X sighed and sat up slowly. "So, who do you think has gone crazy this time?" He asked. The other two looked at him with raised eyebrows. "What?" he retorted. "It's a perfectly legitimate question!" ************ Signus was exasperated. "For cryin' out loud, Mark. How hard could it be to grab that plushie?!?" "Will... you... stop... interrupting... me?!?" Mark snapped back, a vein throbbing on his forehead as his hands furiously fiddling with the joystick in front of him, the manual of the new transporter sitting on his lap. On the machine's viewscreen, a floating UFO saucer, much like those mentioned earlier in this chapter, hovered directly overhead a plushie of a certain catgirl. Slowly, the UFO's claw descended downwards to snag the doll. He held his breath, not daring to make any actions other than motioning with the controls to grab at the plushie. Mark let out a whoop of joy and relief as the claw succeeded in grasping the prize. The claw slowly ascended, bearing the tetering plushie as it inched closer towards the bin. The whole world itself seemed to stop and pause-- --right before the UFO Catcher dropped the plushie of Midnight Star again. Mark grimaced at the controls of the transporter-turned UFO Catcher booth. "I'll get her this time, I'm sure of it!" He declared, searching his pockets for a quarter. Signus rolled his eyes upwards in exasperation, and went back to putting the finishing touches on the table. This is going to be sooo cool... "...Um, do you have a quarter?" Mark asked sheepishly, pointing at a coin slot at the machine's side. Signus facefaulted. "What the Blazing Salvos of Recklessly Charging Screeching Mogg Fanatics are you telling me???" The Magic reference went right over Mark's head as he nodded. "We're out of change, duh. Who knew that catgirls are that hard to grab on to?" "Must be the lack of fur save for their head and other strategic positions on their bodies," Signus replied before catching himself. "Ack..." "Oookay, I won't ask where you got that juicy little tidbit of information," Mark said, eyebrow raised. "If you're so determined to get her in the theatre, why didn't you use the teleporter yourself?" "Hey, I'm the Mad here, not you," Signus retorted. "I'm busy working on my presentation for our friends. We have to be 'in-character', you know." Mark tried not to think too hard on that one, which actually took some effort. "So, what now? Any more bright ideas?" "Hmm, let me think... I'd have to recruit some other people from other places... just to make the sampling of test subjects for the experiment more random. Dream City seems to have a lot of insane people." "You don't say," Mark commented in a deadpan sigh. Signus added a few names on the list. "Let's see, I think we ought to get the MultiMediocre Knight, the Black Snotling, and Tiffa for good measure. Maybe even Gavok... and Racewing, too..." Mark shook his head. "Geezas, you're planning on going big, aren't you? "What's worth doing, is worth doing all-out," Signus quoted. "What are you going to show to them anyway?" "That... is a secret." Signus grinned, his index finger tapping at his lips. Mark facepalmed. "My fault. I walked into that one." "Well, if we don't have any quarters, let's use the old transporter then," Signus ordered. "Set it for Dream City and get MMK and the others." "Okily-dokily." "Stop that." ************ The Dream City Torture Theater. Inside his office, its current owner was entertaining an unusual guest... and an unusual request. "Let me get this straight... You want to recruit me to join you in the Apartment?" the MultiMediocre Knight asked. "Either you or Tiffa, I think," Rebecca Bartley clarified. "Rick's gone and I'm looking for someone to take his place." The attractive woman tapped on her cybernetic left arm as she smiled at the MMK in the cute way that only women capable of mass destruction can. "I figure you're looney enough to annoy the voice, and I could set Tiff on Dan." "Well... It's a nice offer, but..." "You'll have all the Mountain Dew you'd want..." Rebecca added. MMK paused. "That's tempting... but I've got a theater to run, see? And certain rival TV shows to beat in the ratings..." Behind MMK's seat, directly behind MMK's neck, a section of the wall opened and a large pair of shears emerged. In the secret room behind the wall, S.D. Ryukage snickered evilly. She'll have her revenge now, and the MMK will finally feel the repercussions of that... that... horrible, horrible images... horrible... S.D. shook her head as she tried to drive away the scarring images that threatened to return in her mind. The red-headed dark elfin girl reminded herself on what she was about to do, and she brightened at that pleasant thought. "Only a little more... and snip!" She chuckled cutely, bringing the shears closer... closer... The door to the MMK's office burst open as a black goblin-like creature jumped in carrying a large bazooka-like weapon. He was followed by a heavyset man wearing army fatigues. "Give that back!" Vidstudent roared out. "No way!" the Black Snotling shouted back. He leaped over the surprised Rebecca and bowled over the MMK, who yelped as he fell backwards. S.D. Ryukage snipped -- and managed to neatly bisect a passing fly in two. The drow cursed. "I said give!" Vidstudent shouted, grabbing at the Snotling. Unfortunately, he tripped and fell over one of the MMK's Magic 8-balls and crashed into Rebecca. The two landed on the floor in a tangled heap of limbs. "Snot! Quit running around the office! And watch where you point that thing!" MMK shouted, trying to stand up. "You don't know what that thing is!" "Yeah I do! It's a universal remote and coffee plunger!" "It's a goddamn missile launcher, Snot!" "It is? Cool! You up for live-action Wolfenstein?" "You betcha!" Vidstudent shook his head and sat up. He blinked when he felt his hands grasping something soft... and round... Curious, Vidstudent gave the things a couple of experimental squeezes, receiving a dangerous and unmistakably feminine growl in return. With a start, he looked down at a frowning Rebecca, with his hands resting on certain interesting parts of her anatomy. Rebecca did not look pleased. Reddening furiously, Vidstudent recoiled and stood up immediately. "I... it's not what it looks like!" "WA-TAK!" came the sound as Vidstudent was thrown against the wall of the office. S.D. Ryukage cursed and decided on the direct approach. She crawled through the hole in the wall, a feat in itself since the hole was about the same size as a box of Kellogg's cereal. She then took out a wicked-looking whip and snapped it, aiming for the MMK's head. "Die, MMK!" MMK didn't seem to hear or notice. "...wait until I get my spare photon cannon, and then..." "Dude, if you didn't notice, your assistant is trying to kill you!" the Snotling shouted. "...she's what?" MMK turned around, saw the approaching whip, shouted "Whoah!", and leaned back. The scene went into slow motion as the MMK executed a bend that would have made a normal man a chiropractor's dream. The scene rotated around the MMK's form as technomusic played in the background. If this scene were a movie, the homage to the Matrix would have been more obvious. The whip end sailed past the MMK and into the Snotling. Snotling eep'ed and used the missile launcher as a shield. The whip snapped and pushed a bright red button. The missile launcher started glowing bright red. "Uh-oh," a recovering Vidstudent exclaimed. "It's going to blow!" "Eep!" the Black Snotling eep'ed. ************ "Did you get a fix on the MultiMediocre Knight now?" "Hold on, I'm not quite used to this yet... Yeah, I've got his coordinates. He's in his office, not surprisingly enough." "Then lock on the MMK's office and teleport him in." "Roger." "Don't call me that." "Huh?" Mark said as he pushed the big red button. ************ "AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" the Snotling shouted as he ran outside the office, carrying the ominously glowing missile launcher. "Snot, wait!" MMK shouted, but the Black Snotling was already running outside the theater and throwing the Dolly Parton Tape at the nearest available location. ...no, wait, he did that elsewhere BEFORE grabbing Vidstudent's missile launcher a while ago. As an afterthought, the Snotling threw a few compressed Cool Whip(TM) grenades (that he took from SAMAS earlier, of course) after the missile launcher for good measure. In this case, someone would have a busy four hours cleaning the whipped cream off of the one-hour photo developers, and Dream City would be needing a new one-hour photo developing store in the near future. The boom of the muffled explosion was followed by the loud poof of air as the four remaining people in the office disappeared. "That was a close one..." Snot said, returning to the room only to find it empty. He looked around aghast. "Zoinks! Where'd everybody go?!?" ************ Back in the theater lobby, the huge wall monitor blinked to life. The trio looked at the screen, expecting to see their captor for this episode. They saw a dimly-lit office, the only light coming from a solitary miniature lava lamp placed on the glass table. Seated on the only chair visible at the head of the table was a young man whose features were shrouded by the surrounding shadows. He was dressed in a plain dark shirt, over which he wore a white lab coat that seemed natural for him to have on. Occasionally, the viewers could almost see movement from the shadows around him. Jonatan shook his head in disgust. The familiar figure looked up, and began to speak. "Hey, it's Che Fierro!" Ranma X pointed out, interrupting their captor's introduction. "Hi dude! How's Evol doing?" Signus' head slammed on the surface of the table. "The #%&(???" NeoVid said eloquently. "He's our Mad for today?" His head still on the table, Signus began muttering. "Guys, I think you just made him upset because you ruined his grand entrance," Mark commented, his image popping into the screen. "Hi, Jon, Ran and 'Vid." Jonatan turned to the screen and half-smiled as usual. "Mark. How surprising. My condolences to your recent demise." "Uh, I'm not dead yet." "Hmm." Jonatan glanced at his wrist. "Seems my watch is a few minutes early..." "..." "Hey, Mark, what's this all about?" Ranma X asked. Signus muttered. Mark checked his notes. "Well, it's... exactly what you think it is," he finally replied. "You're the current batch of reviewers for a project Siggy is working on." "You mean we're going to preread something Signus wrote?" NeoVid clarified. "How quaint." "Not really..." Mark trailed off. "...to be frank, I'm not sure what he's got planned." Jonatan was promptly flattened by the combined weight of MMK, Rebecca, SD, and Vidstudent, as the teleporter chose that exact moment to deposit them into the theater lobby. "I was wondering if the teleportation system worked," Mark said off-handedly. "Right..." Jonatan muttered. "Hello, S.D. Hello, Knight. Hello, others. Get... off!" He managed to shrug off the pile of surprised people and crawled to his feet. The MMK got to his feet and looked around. "I've been ported to NERV? Cool!" S.D. shook her head. "...and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you pesky Mads," she muttered under her breath. Vidstudent was still seeing stars to comment. "Now then," Signus announced, massaging his forehead, "since we're all here, time for you all to head to the theater, and we shall begin this experiment promptly." "What will we work on today, anyway?" Neovid asked. "Well, your experiment is..." "Well, this is new... how much do you pay?" Rebecca asked. "Pay?" Signus asked back. "You know? For undergoing the experiment? The Voice may be annoying, but it pays us well enough," Rebecca explained. Signus looked nervous. "How much...?" "A hundred thousand per viewing," Rebecca lied. The others looked at her with raised eyebrows. "...give or take a few thousand," she admitted. At that moment, a huge, rust-coloured, crab-like mecha crashed through the wall, babbling incoherencies about how mankind was standing below god and the like, and cleansing the world. It was carrying a sack in one of its oversized pincers. Before anyone could respond, it shook the sack open, depositing an irregularly- shaped parcel wrapped in brown paper, then wandered out through the hole in the wall. Everyone cautiously eyed the package. It was addressed to "Zorndyke's swinging pad, Number 1, Antarctica", and had been marked "Insufficient postage, return to innocent bystander." It was also rustling ominously. "Do you... know anything about this?" Signus asked Mark. "I have no idea where that came from..." Mark began to reply. Suddenly, a chainsaw burst through the package from the inside, ripping it open. Inside was a cruel mockery of a man, clad in a dark blue flightsuit and wearing a commando-wannabe haircut. "I LIVE! WUBBLE!" "Oh, great. Tango," Rebecca grumbled. "What other surprises are in store for us?" "Don't say that!" Ranma X warned. Up on the booth, Signus was surprised by this turn of events, but nonetheless glad that the subject of money was all but forgotten. "Enough talk. Into the theater you guys!" He pushed a button. "WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" MMK shouted, before bringing out confetti and throwing them in the air. "Dude, that's no reason to celebrate," NeoVid remarked. "I know. I just like throwing confetti," MMK said, before running along and dragging Vidstudent behind him. ************ Door 1: It's a mighty stone wall, carved from the hearth of a volcano, each stone requiring a hundred men to move it... or not. Ranma X pokes a hole in it, revealing it to be painted tin foil. Door 2: It's a translucent tube leading to a ship's airlock. S.D. glances out the side as the riffers swim down to the door, noticing that 'WDF VALIANT' has been hastily scribbled on the side in Magic Marker over 'HMS FEARLESS'. Door 3: IT IS... EL ASSO WIPO! Almost no one gets the reference. Door 4: It is a large, Gothic-style door with bears, in fanciful script the cryptic phrase "Disco sensation! Set the night on fire! Disco sensation!" Tango does the Saturday Night Fever pose while the others run past it. Door 5: It's a curtain made of panties and bras, tied together end to end. Rebecca stares blankly at it, then Happosai bounces by and, magically, it's all gone. Door 6: It's a solid gold door, carved into the shape of a large kitten. It bears the phrase 'Cattus nihil ergo' which means, in English, nothing of great significance. The kittens eyeballs are scarily translucent and you have the distinct feeling you are being watched. Only really good as a very large and very heavy ornament, the actual door is 5 inches high. Bored to death, NeoVid pokes a small hole in it with a pencil that magically appeared on the floor; this reveals it to be actually made of cardboard and gold spray paint. The riffers squeeze through. Door 7: It's a large mirror. All the riffers run towards it, then start screaming, skid a little bit, and start running backwards. From off-camera, MMK yells "Hey, wait a minute, guys!" and the sound of running feet stops. "No worries," he continues, "it's just a bunch of harmless, but witty psychos!" Convinced, the riffers laugh in relief and embarrassment, and push their way past it as past a revolving door. Door 8: It's several *gigabytes* of Eyrie-style text, all devoted to the description of a single banana. Vidstudent tries to blast a path through, but there is simply too much to destroy. As he reloads, you get a good look at the text. You quickly begin to nod off. When you wake up... ************ (All enter and take seats.) Tango: I'd take it kindly if anyone explained to me what's going on. S.D.: Can't talk. Contemplating murderous plans. NeoVid: We're apparently subjected to the whims of a mad scientist whose evil plans involve our being subjected to literary aberrations as a form of torture. Tango: Oh. (Pause.) I should have known it was Monday. (Vidstudent regains consciousness.) Vidstudent: Where am... oh. MMK: Welcome back to the living, my friend. Vidstudent: I wished I hadn't. >Hopelessly Lost MMK: Starring: Ryouga Hibiki as Ben "Gryphon" Hutchins. (Pause.) Or was it the other way around? (He ^_^s) >The famous person wears the same size waterskis as me She's got three cars as >many years I've lived in this city Her hair is blonde and mine is brown NeoVid [singer]: We're not related, you see... >they >both start with a "B" But when the phone inside her rib cage rings Jonatan: Cybernetics gone horribly wrong. >it's not for >me But when the phone inside her rib cage rings it's not for me hey! >--They MIGHT BE Giants (The Famous Polka, _Miscellaneous T_) Tango: Weird Al! We love you, Ben! Rebecca: Wrong Polka. Tango: In which case... *BOO!* Down with Ben! Up with exploding bunny rabbits! >Good evening, S.D. [Gary Owens]: My teeth are made of plaster. >and welcome to Ghosts of the Past Theatre. I'm your host, Gryphon. MMK [Zoner]: I'm coppin' an attitude! Vidstudent [Gryphon]: What? MMK [Zoner]: Tonight! I'm *coppin' an attitude*! Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Fine! Go ahead! Tango [ReRob]: I'm coppin' one too! Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Oh really. Tango [ReRob]: You bet! I am *coppin' an attitude*! Vidstudent [Gryphon]: That's good. >You remember me... NeoVid [Gryphon as Troy McLure]: ...from such self-inserted fanfiction as "Street Fighter: Warrior's Legacy" and "So Good, It's Eyrie!" MMK: Dude, my gag. NeoVid: I'm just *borrowing* it. > the owner of this account and I have Ranma X [Gryphon]: Had a long talk about the "no hot-plates" rule, and... >done great things to your minds. Rebecca: Yeah, and I have the therapy bills to prove it. >Some of you have wondered when we would get round to doing something else. Rebecca: In the end, he did. Instead of a fic with a smug, all-knowing smarmy git called Gryphon, we got a smug, all-knowing smarmy git called DJ. S.D. [Gryphon]: DJ's not a self-insert! Really! Jonatan: Of course not. Why else would he have written a long SI dialogue where they both assured the readers of this fact... while bragging about their bikes and their lives. >Since I've regained net access, Vidstudent: --the world is doomed. Rebecca [Reagan]: We begin bombing in five minutes. >I've gotten a query or three myself, even. Ranma X: Three isn't even. (Ranma reads the line again.) Ranma X: Wait, never mind. NeoVid: No, hey, you're right. Three *isn't*-- Ranma X: Ah, shut it. >So, we figured it was time Rebecca [Vader]: --VADER TIME!-- >to get round to doing just that. >What you are about to read is the result of a project which is actually quite >old. Tango: Is it as old as... this cheese? (Pulls out a block of cheese and smashes it over his head. It crumbles.) (Jonatan and MMK both shake their heads.) Jonatan: Such a waste of cheese. MMK: I almost cried. >We started work on this in the fall of 1991, as a break from the UF series. Vidstudent [Gryphon]: We *should* have just thrown it out, but too late now. >We wanted to do something lighter, not quite as heavy, MMK: *Wow*! Both at once? >dark, and interactive-- NeoVid [Gryphon]: Same old Gryphon and Zoner inside, though. Tango: Less filling, tastes great! >and certainly not as big. >Well, Rebecca [Gryphon]: So much for *that* plan. >that was then, and this is now. S.D. [Gryphon]: Suckers! >However, one caveat: the universe you are about to enter is much smaller Jonatan [Gryphon]: Please be advised to lower your head when entering the universe. NeoVid: Subspace has low headroom. >and more self-contained than the UF universe. Rebecca: So... it doesn't go around mugging other people's universes for a change? Vidstudent: He's only going to mug one. S.D.: Hmm, well. Noble. >So, while many of you have expressed a >desire to incorporate your own ideas into the UF universe, Ranma X: I remember when I wrote in suggesting something for UF. Rebecca: You did? Ranma X: Yeah. I wanted to request that they blow up Vaughn or Android, at least once. > to make your mark, so to speak, upon it (Tango pulls out a marker and scribbles on the screen.) >(and we have been, I think, more than free with it), Rebecca: There you have it, open-source fanfiction. NeoVid (facing the readers): Not that there's anything wrong with that. >I would thank you not to do so here. >Besides, there's no need to; there's nothing >special about this universe except for the fact that we're in it. Rebecca: So... nothing special at all, then? Jonatan: No, no, no. He's insinuating that *that's* what makes it special. Tango: It also has a higher than normal amount of grilled cheese sandwiches. S.D.: Fascinating. >If you want to >do your own BGC crossover, do the honest thing and steal it yourself. S.D.: Way to be oxymoronic, Gryph. Ranma X: Hehehe... (Ranma X notices the looks of the others.) Ranma X: What? I thought it was funny. Jonatan: Well, theft is property, after all. >Which brings me to the actual introduction itself. This work is primarily a >Bubblegum Crisis...er...what's the word? Rebecca: ...Mess? Vidstudent: ...Rip-off? Jonatan: ...Parody? S.D.: ...Insult? Ranma X: ...Zone? NeoVid: ...Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? MMK: ...42? Tango: Six? Nine? Asprin? Mice? Fiberglass? >"Mutation" comes to mind. (Tango stands up in a blue spandex suit with red goggles on.) Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! (MMK stands up wearing an Onslaught costume two sizes small for him.) MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! MMK: THE DREAM IS DEAD! Tango: DREAMS DON'T DIE! S.D. [ominously calm]: I had a dream... (Both MMK and Tango turn towards S.D.) S.D.: In my dream I saw you two repeatedly screaming at each other. And then... (dramatic pause) ...you both die. (There is silence.) S.D. [with a Very Evil Grin(tm)]: Do you want to make my dream come true? Tango: That is fascinating! S.D. [taken a bit aback]: ...really. Tango: You are very, very interesting, and very, *very* perceptive! (MMK holds his arm in front of Tango.) MMK: Not yet. Tango: ...aww. Fine. >Perhaps MegaZone will have something more erudite to describe it in >his section, Tango [Zoner]: Pink fluffy bunnies! Rebecca: That's either in character, or you being you. (Tango grins.) Ranma X: Or both. Rebecca: Or both. I'm not sure that I want to know the answer. >but that's what comes to my mind. Jonatan [Yakko]: Brain! S.D. [Dr. Scratchnsniff]: No, no, we haven't started. Jonatan [Yakko]: Begun! S.D. [Dr. Scratchnsniff]: No! >The particulars will make themselves apparent in the actual text itself, so >there won't be much need for explanations, nose-leading or as-you-know-Bobbing >here... Vidstudent: Can we go now? Ranma X: Wishful thinking? Vidstudent: Likely. >...so I shall pass the stage to MegaZone, NeoVid [Gryphon]: Go long, buddy! Heh. I kill me. >and he can tell you what he wants to >tell you about this work of ours. Vidstudent: Aw, man. We're gonna be here all month. >Eyrie Productions is back... S.D.: Subtitled: Fear. > ...and this time, we're not using condiments. Jonatan: So he admits it's going to be bland and tasteless. Tango: Which means that the world is going to be full of little Eyries running around screaming and we will have an Eyrie population explosion! When will the insanity end? >Oh, one other thing. Some of you may find certain of the scenes contained in >this work to be unnecessary, gratuitous, or poorly justified. Rebecca: So... what else is new? Tango: My socks? Jonatan: He could have phrased it simply as "more of the same." >Just remember this one simple rule of thought: Jonatan: "Two plus two equals five for extremely large values of two." Rebecca: "If I lived here, I'd be home by now." Vidstudent: "You are god." NeoVid: "Don't think about it too much. It's only a fanfic." Ranma X: "Life sucks." Tango: "When in doubt, blame the Canadians." MMK: Hey! >Has everything in your actual life been necessary >and well justified? Tango: Well- Rebecca: No. MMK: But what about the- Rebecca: NO! Tango: Awww... Rebecca: Here, have a banana. MMK, Tango: Sweet! >I didn't think so. NeoVid: Remember, kids: Life sucks, so create your own little private worlds. Jonatan: Social octrasizing in five easy steps. > We strove for as much realism as possible >in this unreal setting, and the lives of the characters follow rather typical >Wedge-Dynamics... MMK: Save the world, floyd around, kiss anime babes... >your mileage may vary. >Peace and love, etc., --G. NeoVid: Homey. Yo. >io30597@maine.maine.edu Catapultam habeo. Nisi >pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam. MMK: Literally translated, "I Lost 40 Pounds In Two Weeks! Ask Me How." Jonatan: Ani-san no Raoul no sakana o misete, buddy. NeoVid: Hey, Ranma, I think he just called you something unmentionable. Ranma X: Oh, yeah? Well the same to you, too! >---CUT HERE--- (snip) Rebecca: No, no, no! First, place dotted line around Authors' necks, then you cut! S.D.: Or some other place besides their neck. (snickers) (Ranma X crosses his legs involuntarily.) Ranma X: Cut that out. (A pause.) Ranma X: ...You know what I *mean*. >hello, zoner here... >Ah, it's been a long time coming and it's great to be back... Tango [Zoner]: *Finally*... the Zoner *has come back*... to *Eeeeey-rie*! >In a new universe this time, well, a new 'borrowed' universe. Rebecca: As well as an "old" universe and a "blue" one. > We're still doing UF work, Jonatan [Zoner]: It helps pay the bills... (NeoVid [Gryphon] leans over and whispers something in Jonatan [Zoner]'s ear.) Jonatan [Zoner]: What do you mean we're not earning anything from UF? What about all those hits? Aren't we a dot-com? Give me back my youth! > a few ideas are still working their way onto 'paper' so to speak. Vidstudent [Zoner]: It involves using a 'la-ser'. >And we're not the only ones, I recently received another UF story from an old >WPI >pal. Though we're waiting for final approval to post it. Vidstudent [Wedge Rat]: Submitted for the approval of the Eyrie Productions society, I call this tale... (mimics throwing water at a campfire) the "Tale of the Twisted Story." (Ranma X looks vaguely confused. S.D leans over and whispers something to him.) Ranma X [to S.D.]: What? *No* I'm not afraid of the dark! S.D.: No-- (S.D. rolls her eyes and slaps her forehead.) S.D.: Never mind. > (floyd, you listening? C'mon man...) Tango: Yo, pfloyd, pick up the phone! >And just today another netrunner started work on a new tale, >Hammer Time is still running, Rebecca: So you can have all the neon-coloured ninjas with the Ariskange frugging mind set you want. >etc. So the UF universe is going strong. Jonatan: Now, if the UF universe leaves the station at 50 miles per hour-- Tango: Six hundred and ten miles. (Jonatan is silent for a second.) Jonatan: Holy crap. >But, we have a lot of ideas that just didn't work in the UF timeline. S.D.: They could only screw up with enough universes before the timeline bloats. >Back when we were writing the original Undocumented Features in the fall >of 1991 we took Jonatan: --lots and lots of drugs. Signus [over intercom]: Hey, "shiitake" was still legal then. Ranma X: No one asked you, pusher. >some breaks and 'scribbled' down some random ideas. Tango: One of them was free pies for all llamas after 6 pm. Rebecca: Tango, you *are* a random idea. Tango: I try. >We were taken by some of them and NeoVid [Zoner]: ...held hostage while the ideas performed experiments on us with anal probes. > fleshed them out, Ben had just been introduced to BGC and thus many of >the ideas were set in a BGC universe. MMK [Gryphon]: I don't have any evil plans. (A beat.) MMK: Heh heh. The classics. > We saved these segments and over time tied many together. Ranma X [Zoner]: Those were the bitchingest three-legged races *ever*. >And they grew into this, originally 'Ben and Zoner Get Hopelessly Lost' All: Heinous. > the concept changed as it grew and the 'Bill and Ted' attitude faded. All: Righteous! (Tango and MMK stand up and do air-guitars.) > So it is now simply 'Hopelessly Lost'. S.D.: Unfortunately for everyone, the fic isn't. Vidstudent: It's actually based on the fact that all the proofreaders of this fic gave the same answer when asked about the plot. >As much as I've really enjoyed the fiction others have done for the UF >universe, MMK [Zoner]: Nothing can compare to ME! MEEEEEEEEEEE! > I guess I wanted something to work on that was smaller, more >intimate. Rebecca: So he went back to jerking off. >That was one of the appealing things of the HL world to me, it was set small, >basically in one city, and the scope wasn't as broad. Vidstudent [Zoner]: Just me, and Ben... and me again... and Ben again. NeoVid [Zoner]: Don't mind the Knight Sabers. They're just there for the booty. >The UF universe is HUGE, we've discussed and timelined so many events that we >could never write all of the stories. S.D.: Why do I suddenly feel like smiling and shouting for joy? Vidstudent: I'm suddenly filled with hope for mankind. NeoVid: We all have hopes for Mankind. MMK: Besides Mick Foley, of course. > Try describing the universe and all of its >events across all of time. Whoa! That way lies madness. MMK: No, this way lies madness! (MMK points to a sign that reads "Way Madness Lies". The arrow points toward the direction of the theater snack bar.) NeoVid: I'm getting some Madness. Anyone want some? Tango: One large one. MMK: Yes, please. Jonatan: One and a bottle of tequila, please. S.D.: None for me. Ranma X: I already got some earlier, thank you. (takes out a chocolate bar and eats) (NeoVid walks to the snack bar.) Rebecca: Suddenly, I'm not in the mood for munchies. (Vidstudent nods.) >There is a bit of cross-over with the UF universe, in a holistic sort of way. Jonatan [Zoner]: Dirk Gently's having a look around. Vidstudent: I wouldn't doubt it. >Sort of our 'Castle Rock'... Ranma X: Well, I hope it turns into "'Salem's Lot" on your avatars. (NeoVid returns and distributes the snacks.) >Ben and I have been kept apart by life, Rebecca: And a restraining order. >but he's back in town for a while and >we've been jamming hard. Jonatan: S.D., get out of my head. S.D.: What? Why did you say that? Jonatan: I suddenly got a yaoi mental image... (S.D. grins.) > Hence the recent spate of long awaited (yahright) Tango [Zoner]: Lahk, totally! >UF tales, and now this, the first post in the Hopelessly Lost universe. S.D.: Again, we regret the fact that it wasn't Hopelessly Lost. >What? First post? Yes, in fact this is less than half of the material we've >already written. Ranma X: Remember those motivational self-help videos about doing your best in everything and giving it 101% every time? Jonatan: Yeah, so? Ranma X: I blame them for this mess. > It's just that a lot of the rest of the stuff hasn't been >lashed together with literary duct tape. Tango: All hail duct tape! The greatest invention of all mankind! (He waves around a mass of firearms duct-taped together.) >But the next section, Midnight Sun, is actually fairly well along. Jonatan [Zoner]: We're only experiencing copyright infringement suits from Marvel... NeoVid: That's "Sun," not "Sons." Jonatan: (shrugs) So sue me. >Whereas UF is a grand-sweeping, movie-like series, HL is more an episodic-OAV >style tale. Rebecca: Thus you get less attribute and power points. >As befits its source material. So now we can drive ourselves mad >juggling two universes! Vidstudent: Of course, they could always do a Crisis on Infinite Earths reboot. MMK: Yeah, but then, a few years later, they'd have to Zero Hour that out, too. > (And, for me, Robotech: The Misfold, and another >upcoming tale I'm trying to work on (I am sorry about the delay Matt), plus I >HAVE A LIFE! S.D.: Damn! Does this mean we have to stop telling you to get one? Rebecca: How about, "Take that back! Get a better one!" S.D.: Hey! That works too! > Well, a budding relationship. Life is actually cool right now.) Tango: Unforgivable! For having a life, I sentence you to watch ADV dubs till your ears bleed! >But, I'm rambling, this story is almost two years in the making. We just >wrapped >it up today 7/18/93, ok, maybe more like a year and a half. Rebecca [Zoner]: Well, a year and a bit. Or a bit less. Okay, quite a bit less. If you must know, we did it one weekend and spent the next eighteen months farting around. >It was interesting >to work on a story that has been fairly dormant for most of that time. Jonatan [Zoner]: It was fairly surly when it first woke up. NeoVid [Zoner]: Until it got its coffee. >So, if you're ready for more male power fantasy in a borrowed universe, enjoy. MMK [Dr. Evil]: Riiiiggghht. >:-) BTW, remember, we can't show you everything. NeoVid [Zoner]: Damn censors won't let us show the yaoi luvluv scenes. S.D.: I have the thing on bootleg though. (grins) (*Click*) Mark [over intercom]: Hey, Siggy, didn't you have that too? Signus [over intercom]: ...I don't know what you're talking about. Mark [over intercom]: You know, the one with the Cool Whip and the... Signus [over intercom]: Keep that up and I will hurt you. Mark [over intercom]: Whoops, mike's on. (*Click*) > The characters probably have a >reason for everything they do, probably... Jonatan [Zoner]: We're maybe making sense, maybe... >I hope you enjoy it. It'll be in the next post. Feedback is very welcome. Ranma X: Except folks like us, I'd imagine. >######################################################### ># I have one prejudice, and that is against stupidity. Rebecca: Self-hatred rears its ugly head. >Use your mind, think! # ># Email megazone@wpi.wpi.edu Moderator, WPI anime FTP site 130.215.24.1 /anime # ># Moderator, rec.arts.anime.stories Submissions to anime-dojinshi@wpi.wpi.edu # >############################################################## > > >2 AUGUST 1992 MMK [Mark Cohen]: o/~ 9 p.m., Eastern Standard Time. From here on in, I shoot without a script... o/~ >The black sky Jonatan: African-American sky. S.D.: Yeah, may as well get that out of the way right now. > rumbled, NeoVid [sky]: Urgh... shouldn't have had chinese... > then split wide open, Vidstudent [NBA Jam announcer]: He was wiiiide open! Jonatan [Waiter]: Oh, come on, have a mint. It's wafer-thin. NeoVid [Sky]: Well, alright, just one-- Ranma X: Oh *no* you two don't. >brilliant white >light roaring down onto a hilltop Jonatan: A Black Isle Production. Ranma X: Are you implying that they are Eyrie fans? Jonatan: Hush, you. > outside a city, in front of a NeoVid: --Kwik-e-mart. >bizarre stone edifice. Rebecca: Saint Basil's in Moscow? >There was a roaring noise, MMK [Engine]: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAR! Jonatan: MGM Productions presents... > a tearing wind that ripped leaves from trees Rebecca: Phew! That's one mighty wind. (Giggles) S.D.: Maybe somewhere Dan just ate a really large burrito. > in the wake of the light. >A thunderous, earsplitting MMK [random villager spectator]: He split Robin's ear in TWAIN! NeoVid [psycho]: I do all of my earsplitting with my Massacre Souvenir Chainsaw(TM)! > crash of sound blasted glass out of buildings on the >outskirts of the city. Jonatan: Special effects by the Highlander crew. Tango: VOOOOM! >Then there was darkness and silence again. Vidstudent: No, Sarah Connor gasps and wakes up. Get it right. S.D.: Maybe the film's skipping... Tango: There's been a change in the Matrix! >In the city, MMK [announcer]: Respect is everything. >hardly anyone noticed. Tango: Not a creature was stirring, not even a New Zealand Boomer. Jonatan: What, the ones disguised as lesbian sheep? Rebecca: Maybe we'll get lucky and The Man and Rang will be in this. NeoVid: What about Random Dude? > >Three people stirred in the NeoVid: --Secret ingredient for the World Domination Potion. Tango: Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble... >blackened blast zone of the light. Tango: Well, I guess _they're_ stirring, but SI's aren't technically considered creatures. Vidstudent: Most SI's, that is. >The largest sat up and put a hand to his head, MMK [largest person]: Yup, still there. >inadvertently pushing the baseball cap off; Ranma X: No! There's only one baseball cap in the world, and he's disrespecting it! >it flopped to the scorched earth. Tango: It then flopped onto the Fallout and the Mad Max and the Battletruck. Rebecca: You watched Battletruck? Tango: I used to own one, but the mileage was a killer. >He groaned and looked at his NeoVid: --Shorts. MMK [largest person]: Damn. They've run off again. >watch. > >12:00 > >12:00 > >12:00 > >12:00 Rebecca: Behold, the man with four watches. (Everyone else oohs and aahs.) Ranma X: I thought he was looking at his VCR. Jonatan: The Twelve O'clock Flasher will _not_ appear in this fic. >"Shit," he muttered. Jonatan ['he']: How the hell did it get on my watch in the first place? > >"What the fuck?" Tango: Oh boy! Swearing! NeoVid: The &*#@! Rebecca: Stop that. (NeoVid grins.) >another muttered, getting to his knees and >shaking his head, Ranma X [the "another" person]: I *paid* for this shit? Jonatan [the "another" person]: Why did I have to be drawn into this fic? > his thick hair shedding NeoVid: We present... the true origin of Lex Luthor! >soot. > >"Ouch. Are we dead?" Vidstudent: Yes. Now go away. Tango: If the answer is "yes", you may put down your pencil and leave. S.D. [Jerry Garcia's ghost]: Hey, man! Maybe... *I*'m dead, and *you're* alive! a HAW HAW! >the third asked, feeling his own head >for a hat and not finding one. Jonatan [third person, sing-song]: I woke up tonight with a bad hangover, and my head was missing again... It's detachable... > "Shit. Lost my hat." Ranma X.: You can have the one the first guy didn't want. >The big one got to his feet and looked out Ranma X: His friend, however, was killed by a meteor because he didn't look out and notice in time. >over the city. >Then he shrugged dejectedly. "Only if Hell is a big city," said >MegaZone. S.D.: Hell is where your Heart is. Rebecca: Well, Los Angeles does count... >"I kinda doubt that," Gryphon told him. Ranma X: Since when can Roger Smith's car talk? Rebecca: Mmmm... Roger Smith.... Others: Shhh! >"Shall we check it out?" ReRob queried. MMK: Yay! rErOb! NeoVid [Cthulhu]: stOp stEAlIng mY gImmIck. >"Might as well," said Zoner, and they started walking down the >hill. Jonatan [narrator]: ...and went up a mountain. S.D. [narrator]: Or was it the other way around? >None of them noticed Bancroft Tower; none had looked back. Tango: It was deemed too |_||\|1337 for the $! |)00|)z. Vidstudent: Well, if they did look back... that's three more salty statues for the tourists... > > > >Eyrie Productions NeoVid: Stories so overdone, they're Eyrie! (MMK taps his foot as if to convey impatience.) NeoVid: I'll give it back, I swear. > >in association with > >Up Too Late Productions, DisInc. MMK: A subsidary of rEroB eNtErPrIsEs. NeoVid [Xox-xox]: thIs gImmIck Is stIll cOpyrIghtEd. > >presents Rebecca: For us? You shouldn't have. > >A Discordia Production Tango: Scientology is fun! If you're tired of religions that make even the slightest bit of sense, then Scientology is for you! NeoVid: Discordia? Ha, they can't claim half the Slack we do! Ranma X.: Mixing every drug induced religion and conspiracy, fnord, uh, I mean, NeoVid? > >Of A WaveDrag Film Jonatan: Special appearance by Tim Curry. >Hopelessly Lost Vidstudent: The Ryouga Hibiki life story... >(It's not Undocumented Features, really.) ALL: Suuure. S.D.: At this point, what on Eyrie *isn't* Undocumented Features? MMK: Ben's Ego. Rebecca: Yeah, that's pretty damn well documented. >Benjamin D. Hutchins MegaZone S.D.: Dialogue edited by Peter Fernandez. Rebecca: Continuity edited by Bob Budiansky. >Copyright (c) 1993 Benjamin D. Hutchins and MegaZone NeoVid: Nine years old; still immature. Jonatan [singing]: Ben Hutchins was ill, The Day the Earth Stood Still, But he told us where we stand... And Megazone was there In silver underwear, ReRob was the Invisible Man... > > >"Oh shit," ReRob said, hanging S.D.: ...by a moment. Rebecca: Looks like the lynch mob caught up with them. NeoVid [ReRob]: ...we forgot to include me in the credits. >around in front of the Mobil Tango [ReRob]: LOOK! It spins in a circle... whooooaaa... >and waiting for Gryphon to get out from buying his Ranma X: --usual fix. ReRob was suffering from withdrawal. >Pepsi (being dead Ranma X.: --isn't permanent enough. NeoVid: Someone with two capitals in his name can never die! MMK: News to me. (He ^_^s.) >is thirsty work). Tango: I died once, and I couldn't stop drinking either. Rebecca: Died, not dehydrated. Tango: I know what I'm saying. Rebecca: Hooo boy. This is going to be a long one. >"This is Worcester." NeoVid [ReRob]: I was so hoping for Miami... Ranma X.[ReRob, muttering]: ... be better than some backwater Boston suburb. Rebecca: Well don't you know? Worchester is the center of the universe. >"How lame," Zoner complained. Jonatan: That's "mobility-challenged"! Ranma X: We've said the same ever since you started writing. > "We walk into the jaws of doom Tango: Foolish mortal! None can survive the mighty jaws of Dr. Doom! His terror- inspiring mandibles are unstoppable! NeoVid: Doom rules with an iron fist! And an iron head! And iron knee... MMK: And the Kuriboh Shoe! Vidstudent [muttering]: As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death... >to save the entire universe, and wind up back in Worcester? I am most >pointedly not dead. MMK [singing]: Nothing... seems to kill me... no matter how hard I try... Jonatan: These guys aren't Gryphon and ReRob, they're Bill and Ted. Tango: EXCELLENT! (strums air-guitar) All [except Tango]: Bogus. >That pisses me off!" Rebecca: That pisses us off, too. NeoVid: Whoa. Jeff Jarrett flashback. >A motorcycle pulled up to the gas pumps. The rider got off, Rebecca: Should we really see him getting off? Tango: Can we take too much more of this intense dismounting action? I need a break. >pulled the cable out of the jack in the side of his head, (Ranma X. reaches up and makes a ripping noise as he pulls his hand away from his head.) Ranma X. [rider]: *Whoops*. Uh oh. NeoVid [rider]: All that money for the Playboy Channel implant, and it's still *&%#in' scrambled... >and walked toward the store, pulling off his gloves--wait a second. What was >that bit about the cable? Tango: About 12-odd years of going back in time to stop the post-apocalyptic future that created you, which if you did correctly means you wouldn't have been created, which means you wouldn't have stopped it, which means you would have been created, which means you would have stopped it, which means you wouldn't have- (The Theater's railguns unload several slugs at Tango. Oddly enough, all the slugs are rubber-tipped.) Tango: Ouchie. That was sorta painful. Boobies! Signus [over intercom]: Is this place just a magnet for freaks, or what? Mark [over intercom]: Your idea, if I recall correctly. Signus [over intercom]: Well, not *entirely*. > >"I think maybe there's a little more to this than we first >thought, Rob," Zoner said. ReRob began beating his head rhythmically >against the store, chanting ancient Latin. Jonatan: I know that ritual, Rob. It's not going to help. (A pause.) Jonathan: Unless you have an incredible yearning for lemon meringue. (MMK gets up and headbutts a wall, making a THUMP sound.) MMK [ReRob, chanting]: Pi-e Ie-su Do-mi-ne! (MMK headbutts the wall again, making the WHUMP.) MMK [ReRob, chanting]: Dona-e-is Re-qui-em! (MMK again slams his head into the wall, accompanied by the same WHUMP.) S.D.: ... (A pause. MMK continues to stand with his head against the wall.) MMK [ReRob, chanting]: Pi-e Ie-su-- Vidstudent: Okay, that's enough. >7 DECEMBER 1993 > >It was dark in the city of Worcester, dark and cold. Vidstudent: ...dark and cold and stormy. Rebecca: ...dark and cold and stormy and wet. MMK: ...dark and cold and stormy and wet and slippery. S.D.: ...dark and cold and stormy and wet and slippery and ugly. NeoVid: ...dark and cold and stormy and wet and slippery and ugly and boring. Tango: ...dark and cold and stormy and wet and slippery and ugly and boring and tasting vaguely of cheese. Ranma X: Bright and warm and sunny and beautiful, with little mice in feety pajamas prancing about and the oh, so cutest ponies and- (Ranma X. stops as he notices the sheer amount of weapons and tactical nukes aimed at him.) >Winter had the metropolis in an iron grip. Tango: When I think of the great dictators, I remember three names: Dr. Doom, Stalin, and Old Man Winter. Vidstudent: He was never the same after Stormwatch. > It was three in the morning; no one was out. NeoVid: Yeah, the nightlife is dead. Thanks for telling us, story. S.D.: Worchester isn't really Las Vegas. > The streets were deserted, Jonatan: Kobal was busy covering them with whipped cream and caramel bars. >the nightspots had closed an hour ago, Rebecca: They chased the last few people out of the coin-op laundry. >everyone was home, in bed, huddled against the cold, asleep. > >Well, almost everyone. Tango: The Mad Rapist was still hard at work. >The door to an apartment near the campus of Worcester >Polytechnic Institute opened and someone stepped out of it. NeoVid: Dude, you are like so out of it... >He was shortish, five foot seven or so, and rather stocky; Rebecca: In fact, he was practically spherical. MMK: If it's who I'm thinkin' of, he's actually a cube. Vidstudent: Hmmm... Five-foot seven or so... rather stocky... it's Gryphon, all right. S.D. [strip club announcer]: Five-eight and three hundred pounds of pure *man*, baby! Yowza! >he wore beat-up black and white hightops, black fatigue pants, and was >zipping up Jonatan [Gryphon]: Man, did I ever have to go. Hope the janitors don't find out that was me. a leather jacket as he emerged. He had on fingerless driving gloves and >a battered gray cap, and even though it was dark, he was wearing a >pair of iridium mirrorshades. Ranma X [Gryphon]: I hope I look cool, I can't see anything! [Ranma X hums the Mr. Magoo theme.] >Gryphon turned around NeoVid: *CRASH!* Jonatan [Gryphon]: Pardon, ma'am! Vidstudent: Maybe he can get a seeing-eye dog-- MMK (marking out): FURY! YAY FURY~! Vidstudent: --uh. >and closed the door to E7, then glanced >at his watch; Tango [watch]: ...12:00, 12:00, 12:00, 12:00... >he turned and crossed Institute Road, Rebecca: So the road is right in front of his apartment door? NeoVid [Gryphon]: Just gonna pop down to the laudry rooAAAAH! (Tango imitates a car horn.) MMK [Otto]: Asshooole! >heading for the vehicle that waited for him on the other side. MMK: Why did Gryphon cross the road? Vidstudent: Because he wanted to explain everything about his really cool vehicle on the other side. > This was not an ordinary motor vehicle; Tango: It was a Kung-Fu Creature on the rampage! Two! S.D.: But of c-- (S.D. gives Tango a look of confusion for a second.) S.D.: But of course! How could anything Gryphon owns be ordinary? MMK: You *don't* want to see his toothbrush. Vidstudent: Toothbrush? MMK: Just... don't. > it was a gleaming blue-green Chevrolet Camaro, Rebecca: Well. Whoopedy-do. Tango: They say that life begins in the back of a Camaro. Ranma X: I think that only applies in the South or New Jersey. >its windows blacked. Jonatan: Ol' Gryphon really digs this whole 'visual deprivation' thing, doesn't he? Vidstudent: ...'blacked'? Jonatan: 'African-Americaned'. >He unlocked and opened the door, NeoVid: Instead of ripping it off the hinges like usual. Vidstudent: No, that would be Doomsday. >sliding behind the wheel with the practiced ease of someone who is well- >versed in the use of his car. Ranma X: Which was amazing, seeing as this is the first time he's stolen it. MMK: Actually, ReRob had buttered the seat. >The door closed with a satisfying whomp MMK: *WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP!* Vidstudent: Watch out! Three-hundred pound Gryphon coming through! MMK: *WHOMP, WHOMP, WHOMP!* >and a hiss of air; Ranma X: The car, recognizing the occupant's loathsomeness, quickly sucked out all oxygen. Death was slow and painful. >he sat in the dark of the car for a moment before Ranma X: A pair of homing missiles blew him into small chunks. (Tango does the Sweet Tooth laugh.) >slipping the key into the lock. Ranma X: Someone please tell me they jury-rigged his car to explode? Rebecca (to Jonatan): He gets morbid a lot? Jonatan (to Rebecca, nodding): You should see him during Halloween... > Immediately the dash lighted up, running all of its checks NeoVid: Except the ones that bounced. MMK [Mai]: BOINGY! BOINGY! BOINGY! S.D.: Stop that. >(all bar graphs sweep from off to full and back, all needles to top >and back down, all eq lights and volume graph to full and down, single >sweep on the radar display, et cetera); All: INTENSE. DASHBOARD. ACTION. > the form-fitting seat (MMK makes the coke-bottle shape with his hands and wolf-whistles.) >and ergonomically designed controls were bathed in a soft blue light. Jonatan: Then it all died down, as all the added bells and whistles sucked the battery dry. NeoVid [Gryphon]: Aw, does this mean I'll have to push it again? >He fastened his five-point harness, Ranma X.: The points punctured each of his kidneys, each of his lungs, and his spine. S.D.: Why did I suddenly imagine a star-shaped seatbelt? Jonatan: Because you want to see Ben suspended under a pentagram. >then took the lead from the headrest Vidstudent: And held it for five holes before the headrest overtook him again. NeoVid: He ended up third for the day, behind the headrest and the keys. >beside him and jacked it into his shades. Then he turned the key. Rebecca: Nothing happened. Tango: Tune in next week when Gryphon combs his hair! And there might even be some fanservice! >A flash of red light hit his right eye, S.D.: --blinding him. MMK: He was later known as Long John Gryphon. >not damaging his night vision, as the computer checked his retinal pattern >against those registered in its archive as authorized operators; Jonatan: Gryph, you really should work out those paranoia issues you have... Tango [Gryphon]: There's nothing wrong with me! Everyone wants to steal my cool stuff! They can't have my cool stuff! No one can! > the pattern checked positive Ranma X [Gryphon]: I'm PREGNANT? >as primary operator. Full authorization start-up mode was >engaged. Vidstudent: If this is what he has to go through to start the thing, I don't want to know what he has to do to get it into gear. >The engine, a Mark Three fusion turbine, Jonatan: Mark One was recalled when it turned out cardboard wasn't a viable material for shielding. S.D.: And Mark Two was cancelled outright as the technical department couldn't implement "then, miracle appears" in the prototype. Ranma X [deep announcer voice]: The Mark Three fusion turbine: A Mark Five Production. >There was a knock at the passenger window; MMK [Gryphon]: What?! But I'm driving at a hundred miles per hour! Vidstudent [Zoner]: No, Gryphon. You haven't even gone out of parking. MMK [Gryphon]: Sure I have! (makes exaggerated engine noises) Vroom! Vroom! >Gryphon's head swung to look. Tango [Gryphon]: Just as I suspected, it's some big fat hermaphrodite with a flock of seagulls haircut and only one nostril. MMK [Gryphon]: Oh man, I hate it when I'm right. [There's a *DING!* sound from somewhere.] >It was Zoner. S.D. [Gryphon]: Damn it. He tabbed the power locks; Rebecca [Zoner]: This one's "Bills," that one's "Documents," and that one... eh, we'll make it "Fanfics." >the passenger door unlocked with a clunk and >Zoner opened it up, sticking his head inside. Ranma X: ...why did I suddenly get an image of a guy wearing a turkey on his head? Jonatan: "Friends" reruns. Ranma X: Ah. NeoVid: Or maybe the show that scene was stolen from, Mr. Bean. Tango: Oh yeah. Mr. Bean! The Musical Fruit! >"Where you headed?" Zoner asked. MMK [singing]: Where do you think you're going? Don't you know it's dark outside... >"Out," Gryphon replied. "Dunno where." MMK [switching songs]: I don't know where I'm going... but I sure know where I've been... >"Mind if I join you?" S.D. [Zoner]: You know I can't live without you. Jonatan [Gryphon]: Lookout Point? S.D. [Zoner]: Lookout Point. (grins) >"Not at all." > >"Cool." Zoner threw his bag in back, got in and shut his NeoVid: --Mouth. Rebecca: Yeah, *that*'ll happen in our lifetimes. >door; Gryphon put the car in gear and pulled away from the curb. >Undocumented Features was playing, ironically enough. NeoVid: So ironic, it's almost-- MMK: I can see where you're going with this, you know. NeoVid: Uhm. > That was an odd experience. S.D.: Tingly, though. >Life was shit, but for now, that could be held at bay. Tango [Gryphon]: But after I hold the shit at bay, no one wants to play with me! NeoVid [Zoner]: Maybe if you washed your hands afterward... Tango [Gryphon]: ...Nah. > >They cruised in what would have been silence if not for the >music for some time. Ranma X: In other words, not silence. >The sky was thickening, the dark of the night >becoming impenetrable; Jonatan: Okay, what's Kage Houshi doing on the set? S.D.: It's actually Lucita hiding out from Sashca Vycos. >the headlights of the car were having a problem >cutting through the darkness. (All gasp.) MMK: You mean... Ben admits there's something his car... Jonatan: His amazing sooper-dooper "proper" car. NoeVid: You forget "civilized". [Hey, look! Vidders merged with a Korean martial artist!] MMK: ...can't do? Ranma X.: I'm scared. (to Rebecca) Hold me. (grinning lewdly) (Rebecca hits him with a cybernetic backhand.) >Gryphon shrugged, switched on his night >vision systems, and turned them off; the view of the outside world >turned red inside his shades. MMK: Oh. Guess he didn't. S.D.: Well, no, he did. It's just that he can compensate. Tango: With his |33+ /\/\@|> $|headlights--ah! Rebecca: On switch! Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Batteries to power! Turbines to speed! NeoVid: Form feet and legs! > Clear as day. Gotta love those 100,000-watt IR >lamps. Ranma X: Okay, now I've gotta know how large a battery that car's carrying... Jonatan: Ben discreetly didn't mention that the car is pulling a trailer-sized nuclear power plant with it. Vidstudent: It's actually kept on top of the car, with a glass case like the Popemobile. Tango [singing]: With those 40,000 watts of dolby power... > Just as long as nobody looks right at them with a passive IR >sensor...ouch! MMK: Lost in his internal monologue and infrared vision, Gryphon plows straight into an elm tree. >"I hate it when you do that," Zoner said. Rebecca: Describe every last thing in pointless detail? Tango: Don't we all? >"Why?" Ranma X [annoying singing]: Because we hate you. >"I can't see anything." S.D.: You're lucky. We have to see this fic. >"Oh, sorry." Gryphon tabbed on the windshield IR filter. >"Since I got the shades, I tend to forget that." > >"Yeah, you've got all the cheater toys...too bad you're NeoVid [Zoner]: Spending all your time describing them instead of doing something cool with 'em. >not rigged." > >"I can still take you on, wirehead." > >"Try me anytime, nature boy." NeoVid: Special guest star: Vince McMahon as Zoner! MMK [Ric Flair]: WHOO! > >"I can't very well do that if your car's dead again." S.D.: Who's talking, anyway? Ranma X [KITT]: Michael, we're lost. >"It's not dead! Vidstudent [Zoner]: It's getting better! Tango [Gryphon]: No it's not, it'll be stone dead in a moment. >I'm having some work done to it." > >"Why, so you can keep up with my car?" NeoVid [Zoner]: No, that's why I got the fusion-powered legs. > >"I still can't believe you bought this thing." Zoner shook >his head. His Daytona was nice, yes, and modified up the ass-- Jonatan: ...now, that's not really a place you want your car attached. >but >this car had matched or exceeded most of its modified capabilities >from the factory, and that annoyed him greatly. Vidstudent [Zoner]: Am I the only person who *understands* the word 'capabilities'? Huh? > started up with the >dull, almost internal-combustion rumble of its type, sucking air in >through the twin ramscoops on the hood. NeoVid: I'm just wondering if Hutchins tries to make people's heads melt from detail overload... Rebecca: This? This is nothing. You should see his character read a book. Vidstudent: He can make "See Spot Run" last for five hours... MMK: Six, tops. >The Camaro was what Gryphon referred to as a "proper" car, Tango: It had four wheels, an engine and a funny musical horn. Rebecca: Never mention that horn again. Tango: I think the Acid Remix of Greenseleves is a perfect tune for a horn. >with the engine in front "where it >belonged" and the power going to the rear wheels "like a civilized >machine" Jonatan [Gryphon's car]: Take that, you wooden-wheeled barbarians! NeoVid [Gryphon]: Pip *pip*! Jolly good. >(although it could be directed to the front as well), and >analog gauges (although the technophile in him accepted the bar graph >backups). MMK: One important question: Does the darn thing even run? Jonatan: ...backup gauges? Does he have a window left to see out of? > >Gryphon smiled; he loved this car. Ranma X. [flatly]: No, we couldn't tell. Rebecca: He was still trying to get the stains out of the seat from last time he loved it. > The arms race was out of control. Rebecca: Great. God-boys playing one-upmanship. Tango [Gryphon]: Well I'm sleeping with Kei, Vision, Cammy, Skuld and Asuka. Ranma X [Zoner]: Yeah... well, me too! >"What can I say, I'm a nut... Rebecca: Sometimes he feels like a nut. But sometimes he doesn't. >it could be worse, it could be J. B. Gibson's car..." S.D.: It could be KITT with a hangover. Ranma X [hungover KITT]: Michael? Can we slow down? My pistons are throbbing and I'm gonna hurl transmission fluid any second now. Tango: Monkeys drive cars now? Evolution is crumbling around us! Vidstudent: No, that's a gibbon. Tango: Oh. NeoVid: Then it must be the French guy with funny hair from JoJo's Bizzare Adventure-- Vidstudent: No, that's J. P. Polnareff. NeoVid: What, really? MMK: Then it must be the former star reporter of This Hour Has 22 Minutes! Vidstudent: No, that's... (Vidstudent trails off. MMK looks at him expectantly. Vidstudent shrugs his shoulders.) MMK: ...J. B. Dickson. Vidstudent: Oh. MMK: Well, thanks. That fell apart real nicely. Tango: I blame violence in music. >"Goddess... Jonatan: That's 'megami-sama'! >Christine with armor. That'd be something." Jonatan: There are ten rules that, if followed correctly, ensures that you'll live a long and healthy life. Rule #3 is "don't diss any bloodthirsty cars". MMK: #7, FYI, is "Keep away from undead chickens." > >"And when the odometer hits zero--you die. Nice car." > >A flash NeoVid [singing]: Aaah! Savior of the Universe! >of lightning split the sky above them and thunder >roared over the music and the car's soundproofing. Vidstudent [singing]: Thunder moving under the mountain / thunder in his dreams... >"Whoa!" Zoner observed, Jonatan: Nice to see Keanu Reeves is still getting roles. Still a wanker, though. NeoVid: Have you tried our special Keanu-wich? It's a dense slab of meat... but no matter what roll we put it in, it always has the same flavor. >looking up through the semi-transparent roof. Tango: That's one of the benefits of having the frame made out of Tupperware. >"Check that out. Lightning in December?" S.D. [Lewis Black]: And on the fifth day, there was snow and lightning... TOGETHER! >"And no rain, either. This is weird." It happened again. >And again. The sky was starting up a war with itself. NeoVid [Karate Bastard]: You see, when I was a little kid, I killed my dad. And I swore that I would not stop fighting until I kicked my ass. And I'm not going to let anyone... ANYONE! ...get in my way! >"Go up to Bancroft." Ranma X: Anne Bancroft. >"Why?" Ranma X [Zoner]: I liked her in the Graduate, okay? >"Just do it." (Jonatan and Rebecca look expectantly at MMK.) MMK [Duckman]: ...the hell are *you* starin' at? >"Oookaaay..." > >The epicenter of the lightning phenomenon was right over >Bancroft Tower. None of the energy was hitting the ground; it was all >striking clouds and wracking the sky, NeoVid: Which is physically impossible, but hey! It's a Hutchins world after all. >lightning bolts crashing against each other Ranma X: There's a five-bolt pileup on Bancroft. Adjust your route accordingly. >as though Zeus and Leir were fighting it out once and for >all. MMK: With Thor and Captain America on the sidelines. Vidstudent: And who is Leir? Tango: And why isn't he wearing pants? >And the nexus of it all was above Bancroft. NeoVid: And now he's repeating himself. This story will never end. > >"See? Did I tell you there was something about the Tower?" Ranma X: No shit! What clued you in? Rebecca [Gryphon]: Yeah, something about it... like the *lightning rod*. Jonatan: Kamui and Fuuma duking it out might've been a clue. >"Weeeeird," was all Ben had to say. He slipped down his >shades, turned off the IR, and just watched. The darkness was even >thicker; Jonatan [Darkness]: Duuh, Amway good. >all they could see was the Tower, illuminated NeoVid: So the tower is part of the Conspiracy? >by the warring thunderbolts. Rebecca: Which, thanks to Harmony Gold, we don't get to see. Tango: Can we see the Japanese Thunderbolt instead? Rebecca: That would be nice. >Even the lights that normally shone on the Tower were >muted. S.D.: Shine on, you crazy tower. Tango: The lights! They're not talking! WHY!? >The blanket of light that was the city was invisible, as >though the entire city of Worcester had up and moved since they >ascended the hill. MMK: Even the city doesn't like to be with these guys. >"I think we should get out of here, man," said Gryphon. He >sounded quite nervous. NeoVid [Gryphon]: It's game over, man, game over! > >"Yeah..." Zoner muttered. "Yeah, I think you're right. >Whatever this is, I don't like it. Vidstudent [Zoner]: It doesn't seem to have anything to do with us... I don't like it. Jonatan [Zoner]: Even though it was my idea to come up here in the first place and all. >Let's go." > >"For once you agree with me." Gryphon put the car in gear and >turned the IR back on, Jonatan: So they like our MSTings? Rebecca: *We're* better. Vidstudent: I beg to differ, but *we've* been churning out quality before you - (Several railgun rubber slugs pepper Tango.) Signus [over intercom]: Stop the Fourth Wall breakage. Now. Tango: ...Why me? Ow. >pushing up his shades. As the car started to >move, lightning started striking around it. For some reason, the >electronics were unaffected; except, of course, for the fact that the >radar was going mad. MMK [radar]: I'm a God! A GOD, I SAY! NeoVid [radar]: They call me mad... I'll show them! I'll show them all! AHAAAHAAHAA... Ranma X [singing]: o/~It's a maniac, maniac, on the board! And it's flashing ike it's never flashed before!o/~ >"I don't liiiike thiiiis," Gryphon muttered, slewing the >vehicle expertly around the corner. (Jonatan takes out a violin and starts playing.) >The car shot out of the >conflagration--except that one bolt shot out and struck it unerringly >in the roof. The vehicle was engulfed in light-- and suddenly, Vidstudent: ...he found himself making for a head-on collision with the local movie theater that was there now and not a few moments/years ago. >they were streaking (All cover their eyes.) Vidstudent: I did not need to see that. >right for the Tower, back the way they came, NeoVid [Gryphon]: Oh, wait! Heh! I have it in reverse! >right into the wall of thunderbolts. Jonatan [in tune with the music]: o/~ Thunderstruck! o/~ (Puts the violin away.) >"AAAAAAAAAAAAA--*" NeoVid [Zoner]: Tarzan's here to save us! > >The sudden storm vanished with all the abruptness with which >it had arrived. All was once again normal at Bancroft Tower, Ranma X [hopeful]: Are the SIs gone? >after one brilliant flash and a thunderclap that shattered windows for a >block and a half. Gryphon, MegaZone, and the vehicle that had carried >them were gone. (Loud cheers.) > All that remained was a large black spot on the >pavement in front of Bancroft Tower. Rebecca: And a pair of smoking boots. There's always smoking boots. Tango: What about the teddy bear? Rebecca: That, too. Tango: And a crying Indian? Rebecca: No. >"*--AAAAAAAaaahuh?!" Ranma X: Damn. >The Camaro plunged out of the lightstorm into another street. >It was yet night. But... Tango: ...for some strange reason, the sun was out. NeoVid: Uh oh. Time to start making sacrifices to the angry hopping gods of Whaa-luud. >"Where's Bancroft Tower? Where the hell are we?" Zoner >demanded. Vidstudent: In the Village. >"Dunno. The nav comp is going berserk. Rebecca [nav computer]: I'll kill you! Kill you all! RAAH! >According to it, >we're--gk? What the fuck! We are not in Tokyo!" Ranma X [Gryphon]: It has to be Neo-Tokyo! It has to be! Rebecca [Zoner]: What about Mega Tokyo? Ranma X [Gryphon]: ... Rebecca [Zoner]: Or Little Tokyo? Ranma X [Gryphon]: Okay, okay. >Gryphon tapped the nav comp's face with a fingertip. Tango [comp]: OW! Quit it! >It remained true to its claim. NeoVid [nav comp]: I am the one and true King of England! MMK [narrating]: Then it exploded. >"According to this, this city's layout as relayed by the navsats is >close enough to error tolerances to be Tokyo. S.D. [Gryphon]: Give or take ten buildings or so... >There are major discrepancies, but according to the computer, >they can be put down to outdated local software. Rrrrr..." NeoVid [Zoner]: For instance, there's a large discrepancy in the shape of the Tokyo Tower... it looks like it has a bulge on the side. Rebecca [Gryphon]: Is it shaped like an ape, a moth, a lizard or a robot? Vidstudent: I should be surprised that their nifty gadgets still work even in an alternate dimension, but somehow I'm not. >"Gryphon, what the hell is going on? We didn't jump >dimensions AGAIN did we?" Jonatan [Zoner]: Why do we go through this every week?! Vidstudent: Ah. So that's why hardware compatibility's no longer an issue. Tango: This is the one where Gryphon has a goatee, Zoner has a scar and rErOb is gay. Rebecca: And q is, like, q. S.D.: It's all Edison's fault, I tell you. (A pause.) NeoVid: I *knew* something was off about ReRob. Vidstudent: Ah, shaddap. >"I wish I knew." They cruised easily into a side street; the >car didn't seem to be damaged at all. Ranma X: So when it exploded and killed them both, it was a total surprise. >And there was no doubt that >this city was much more active at night than Worcester was. Ranma X: A morgue is more active than Worcester. Rebecca [Gryphon]: Dude! Look! The laundromat's *open*! >Also dirtier, larger-seeming, more crowded, and populated by very strange >vehicles. MMK: Oh. They're in Florida. Vidstudent: Specifically? MMK: Disneyland. >And all the signs were in that strange amalgam of Japanese >and English so common in urban Japan. Tango: Hey look! There's Violence Jack Off! >It did indeed appear to be Tokyo. MMK: The giant pink teddybear storming the outskirts of the city was the big tipoff. >"How the fuck did we wind up in Tokyo?" NeoVid: By ways of the Tokyo underpass. Jonatan [Zippy]: OVER the underpass! UNDER the overpass! Around the future and BEYOND REPAIR! >"Dunno. Bancroft Tower teleported us? Welcome to The Final >Countdown, Part II. Vidstudent: ...did he just manage to combine two rock songs? Tango: That'd be great for a Gonzaga/Arizona matchup. (All stare.) Tango: C'mon, wouldn't it? >I'm beginning to see this as a surreal day..." > >"And why doesn't this look like Tokyo? This place is >too...too..." Jonatan: This place is quaint... too quaint. >"Too futuristic." S.D. [Zoner]: Something tells me we're not in Kansas anymore... Tango: It could be "Bubblegum Crisis" or "The Fifth Element" or the opening to "Lost in Space" or "Dark Minds"... >"Yeah. And these cars are very strange." Tango: They're like something out of 80's sci-fi. Rebecca: And remember, this is from the guy with a near god-like Camaro. MMK: Well, to him, plebian cars that actually have windshields you can see out of *would* seem strange. Rebecca: Good point. MMK: Especially if you can't see through the roof. >Zoner took a small plastic case out of his jacket pocket, NeoVid [Gryphon]: Mints! MMK [Zoner]: No, you idiot. Condoms. >selected a triangular silicon chip from among its contents, and slotted it >into his chipjack. NeoVid: Why he had it installed inside the front of his shorts is his secret. >"Well, at least I can ask for directions now...what're you gonna do, >without any chrome?" Ranma X: Use plastic instead. >"I suppose I'll have to rely on my natural fluency in the >language...what do you think I did all summer, work or something?" NeoVid: Since when do insanely powerful SIs have to work? Jonatan: One word -- Multitasking. >"Argh." Tango: I agree. >"Wulp, what can I say? I got bored." Jonatan: 'Wulp'? (A beat.) Tango: WULP! >"Tell me you at least used 'trodes." Vidstudent: No, he used 'tionaries. > >"Nope. Hypnopaedia and retention drugs. All-natural." > >"Oh, yeah, retention drugs, real natural." Rebecca: He doesn't need drugs to be retentive. >"More natural than running wires through my head..." > >"Think we oughtta ask where we are? MMK [Gryphon]: What? And have other people in the story? >I mean, after all, if this is Tokyo, NeoVid [Zoner]: --I'm going to have to start writing in Engrish. >we've gotta figure out some way to get back." > >"Truth. Ok, fine. You've got the almighty Chip...you ask." MMK [Zoner]: But you've got the almighty Dale! You should do it! > >Gryphon sighted a slot in traffic and pulled to the curb. It annoyed All: Yes, it did. > >Gryphon that they were on the left. Wait a second-- > >"Zoner, something else is wrong here. They're driving on the >left. The Japanese drive on the right!" Ranma X: No, they don't! S.D.: Psst... Ranma! Flipped manga translations! Ranma X: Oh. MMK [Gryphon]: One crazy driver? There's hundreds of them! EVERYONE'S WRONG BUT ME! >"They do in 1993, in the dimension we were just in." > >"You mean you think--" Rebecca: That remains to be proven... >"I'm almost certain of it. Look around, doesn't this city >look at all familiar to you?" Tango [Zoner]: This is the city... that killed my father. NeoVid [Zoner]: Tokyo... you killed my father. Now you must die. >"Yeah...it looks like a big, dirty, decaying city. Like Los >Angeles in Blade Runner, or New York anytime, or Gotham--" Tango: Or The Big City in "Samurai Jack" or "Dominion" or "Kazei 5" or Empire City in "Need for Speed 3" or... Rebecca: Wow. They must have walked into the one grungy part of MegaTokyo. S.D.: It's probably just City Hall... >"Or MegaTokyo?" NeoVid [Piro]: I see that the old RAID controller got 'the screwdriver'. Jonatan [Largo]: It was not l33t. It deserved de4th. Ranma X: Let's hope we don't have to see Gryphon's l33t n3kk1d sk1llz. (All shudder.) >"Oh no...recursion alert, recursion alert--MegaZone, what tape >are we listening to?" Jonatan: 'Learn obnoxious tech-filled SI-writing in your sleep'? MMK [Zoner]: Huh. Queen. >"I know...spooky, isn't it? But we've proof that >transfictional universes exist, right? Vidstudent: No, just circumstantial evidence. Rebecca: More like a dysfunctional universe. >Roll with it," Zoner rolled down his window and hailed NeoVid [Zoner]: HAIL! >a passing pedestrian in Japanese. The pedestrian responded >in Japanese--roll SAN Tango: Hey! Confusing interjections are my job! ...Pineapple! Ranma X: Roll SAN to soak, difficulty 5. >--and, confused, Jonatan: --started running around attacking people at random. >told MegaZone Tango [Sterotypical Japanese]: Yankee go home! >that he was indeed in MegaTokyo and yes, it was 2032, Rebecca: So it's not freaky Sylia-played-by-Ifurita-and-Priss'-hardsuit-by-EVA- 01 BGC. Thank god. S.D.: Don't forget the lesbians. Rebecca: It's BGC. Everyone's a lesbian. Ranma X: Including Daley? Rebecca: Including Daley. NeoVid: Hey, think it's going to crossover with Bubblegum Trek? >February 14, to be exact--why did he ask such a silly question? S.D. [pedestrian]: I mean, damn! If you can't speak the language, don't come to Japan! >Ben's forehead hit the steering wheel with an audible wumph. Tango: WULP! NeoVid: All the tech on that car and no airbag, huh? MMK: He had to take it out to make room for the Gamecube! NeoVid [Gryphon]: I actually drive the car by playing Simpsons Road Rage! >Zoner thanked the confused pedestrian for his help and rolled the >window back up. Not wishing to make a scene, Vidstudent: -But making an unbelievably long-winded, boring one anyway... >Gryphon pulled back into traffic. They drove a while in silence. Ranma X: Except for the music, I suppose. >Finally, Gryphon broke that silence, saying, "Ok...we were hit >by lightning. Rebecca: Good. >I'm unconscious right now, slumped over the steering >wheel of the mangled, twisted mass of metal that was once my car, >piled into those concrete things by Bancroft. Rebecca: Getting better... >Either I'll come to in >a hospital and everything will be fine, or I'll die soon from lack of >blood or exposure or internal injuries or something stupid like that. Rebecca: Excellent. S.D.: Well, I know which choice I'd prefer for these two... Jonatan: I'd call it a win-win situation. MMK: What he left out is that they're holding the Twisted Metal tournament in his head. >Either way, this is not happening. You are one with the dashboard, Jonatan: Cool. Zen driving. NeoVid: No, Zen driving is when you drive blindfolded. "If you see Buddha in the road, run him over." >should've worn your seat belt, deal with it later--" Tango [Ultra Magnus]: I can't deal with that right now! >"Dude, dude, MMK: DUDE! It's like... dude! >you're losing it. Calm down. This is weird, but >we can handle it. Besides, I always wear my seat belt." Rebecca [Zoner]: It really helps keeping my garters in place. >"Oh, well, aren't we taking this sudden inversion of the >universe well." NeoVid: Wimp. You get used to them after a while. >"It isn't any weirder than ending up in a universe we >created," MegaZone offered. Rebecca: This one isn't just going to be talking colors and giant purple bunny men, Zoner. Tango: Sounds like home! >"That's supposed to make me feel better? I'm several thousand >miles and forty years from home, MMK [Gryphon]: --And my enemies, and my bills... all RIGHT! Party time! >as well as, probably, a couple of dozen parallel dimensions-- NeoVid [Ford Prefect]: Don't panic, Arthur! >unless I'm in a coma someplace dreaming all >of this. Wonder what Death Level I'm at...?" Jonatan: Let's just say that each second wasted yakking away is slimming your already slim chances of getting onto the Greyhound Bus drop by drop. >"And I'm dreaming it with you? Not likely. I mean, I know >you receive me well, but--" (S.D. breaks into giggles.) Jonatan: Gryphon receives Zoner well? Ranma X: Somehow, that's an image I didn't need... NeoVid: That one's so homoerotic... MMK: ...not that there's anything wrong with that. NeoVid: I *knew* something was off about ReRob. >"You're just something my neurons are firing at me to keep my >guard up. Rebecca: I know I'd be wary if someone fired Zoners at me. > Stress personified by my tattered mind into something I can >talk to." Tango: Not to mention, he shines your shoes, lowers your blood pressure and whitens your teeth while you sleep. Jonatan: Fully automated, double action, Swiss-army MegaZone. 100% recyclable. Available for only twelve simple monthly payments of $39.99. MMK: Batteries not included. May cause eyestrain, bloody-minded homicidal mania, and rapidly decreased drug stashes. If symptoms persist, insult the doctor. >"If this was a dream we'd be under the ocean [Rebecca snickers.] Rebecca: Zoner dreams of being in the Little Mermaid. >or on the moon or something by now. Ranma X: I would love to see them trying to say "Air!" for the seconds until their heads explode... >You know dreams can't stay constant. Stop trying to deny it. Jonatan [singing]: I'm gonna hit you-- Tango [singing]: Yeah, just try it! Vidstudent [singing]: Will both of you be quiet, 'cause we're driving in the car! You know as well as I that we have indeed jumped into a >new dimension. Now, how long until we run into a Vaughn?" S.D.: ...hey! Vaughn! Vaughn was cool. MMK: But not as cool as FURY~! (S.D. grumbles.) > >"Dreams can remain constant. Tango [Cyclops]: Dreams don't die! Rebecca: Grant Morrison ON! (hits Tango) Tango [Cyclops]: Fry piggie! Rebecca: Grant Morrison OFF! (hits Tango) Tango [Cyclops]: Dreams don't die! Rebecca: Grant Morrison ON! (hits Tango) Tango [Cyclops]: Fry piggie! Rebecca: Grant Morrison OFF! (hits Tango) >Some of the ones I've had about the UF universe have. Ranma X: Gee. *Go figure*. >Just like real life...or at least, I suppose so... Rebecca [Zoner]: It's hard to tell, with my three-bowls-a-day habit... >constant right through to the end, though. No weird background >shifts, characters changing persona, streets laid out differently, >rooms changing place on me--rock solid reality, MMK: Boooooo-ring. (Others nod.) >till I woke up. Tango [Zoner]: That's when the penguin landlords come and stuff ferrets up my nose. >This is one of those. Besides, how do you know what a coma dream is like? >Shut up, you're not even here." S.D.: ...who's talking? >"I'm just telling you what I think. This is real. Tango [Singing]: Is it real? Is it real? Rebecca [Singing]: Dark machines that and breath and wheeze and mock the air... appall me. Tango [Singing]: What is real? What is real? NeoVid: I do not think that this is real... I must speak in code or he will find me... >Somehow I don't think a floating persona in a dream would be trying to convince >you the dream was real. Vidstudent [Zoner]: Or... WOULD IT? MMK [Gryphon]: Stop screwing with my head! >Besides, UF turned out to be all too real. Rebecca: Oh sure, if you count the private knuckle-shuffle fantasies of college students as real. >So why not this? If we can create a universe by writing, why not >others?" > >"You never know...maybe my subconscious is trying to get me Jonatan [Gryphon]: To join Amway! Ranma X: And when he's conscious, I'm trying to get him... >back for all the times I've disappointed it by waking back up to >reality." Tango: Reality sucks. NeoVid: Yeah, who needs it? >"Well, be that as it may, we're here for the time being >anyway. We have to find someplace to sleep. Rebecca: Crash at Sylia's. It's what everyone else does. >We're not gonna find anything around here. Try and get on a >highway or something." S.D.: And hopefully, get run over by a truck? >"Yes, master." Gryphon Vidstudent: --crossed his arms in front of him and blinked twice. Jonatan [Gryphon as Riff Raff]: You've arrived on a very special night. It's one of the master's affairs... >selected the next right-turn lane and >within moments was on one of those ubiquitous gently curving >multilayer expressway-type things that are all over MegaTokyo. Tango: It's a little known fact, but MegaTokyo consists of nothing but said freeways. >The road was empty, except for them, it seemed. Rebecca: And a Dodge Viper that was doing something illegal to a red Porsche. Jonatan: So it's not actually empty now, is it? >A light appeared in the rear view mirror some minutes later, >beginning to gain; Gryphon was seized by that familiar "someone's >behind me" anxiety. S.D.: Zoner's sneaking up on him, but that's not a knife in his hand... >He kept glancing back at it--he was using the >regular lights now, not knowing MegaTokyo's policy on special >nightvision gear in civilian vehicles. NeoVid [Gryphon]: I'm not using it until I know it's illegal! >It was growing, a single point >of white light...either a car with one light out--not likely--or a >motorcycle. MMK: Or a really, really fast guy with a torch. >"Maybe it isn't the MegaTokyo we think it is," Zoner said. >"Could be there's nothing special about it at all, just forty more >years of technology and--" Tango: An overabundance of giant green radioactive reptiles! Jonatan: The whole place being ruled by damned dirty damned apes! S.D.: Persocons. Lots and lots of those damned cute things. MMK: Puchus have successfully occupied the city. I mean, they are sort of cute too, but WHAT THE HELL IS IT? >The motorcycle passed them. Low-slung, red, fast fast fast, NeoVid: Kaneda? Tango: TETSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Rebecca: KANEDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Tango: TETSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Rebecca: KANEDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Tango: TETSUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Rebecca: KANEDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Ranma X: SHUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUT UUUUUUUP! >carrying a clearly female rider in red leathers and helmet, brown hair >flying in the slipstream. Unmistakable. Rebecca: Of course. Ben has been there how many minutes before they run into the protagonists? Jonatan: ...make that formerly protagonists. Rebecca: Ah, yes, the SI effect. >Ben slapped a hand to his forehead. Zoner's voice trailed off >into nothing and he went silent for a moment before adding, Ranma X [Zoner]: You know what they call a quarter-pounder in France? >"--never mind." > >MegaTokyo 2032 Tango (singing): In the yeeeaaaar twooooo thouuuuu-saaaaaaand... >The Story of Knight Sabers > >BUBBLEGUM CRISIS > >"I don't believe I just saw that." MMK: What, the story title? Ranma X: No, that I just don't *want* to believe. >"Well, don't just coast here-- catch her!" > >"What for? Rebecca: She's the only anime woman he hasn't done yet. He's falling behind! NeoVid: Gotta do 'em all! (Ranma X hums the pokemon jingle... until he's silence by railguns, large guns, large scissors, a tactical nuke, and a large Pikachu stufftoy all aimed at him.) Tango (waving the Pikachu menacingly): Raaar! >Introduce ourselves? Get blown off because she >thinks we're just a couplea fanboys trying to hit on her? S.D.: They're in denial, aren't they? >Oh, fun fun fun." NeoVid: Since when is getting blown not fun? > >"Oh come on! You're telling me you don't want to meet Priss?" > >"I don't want to chase her down on the goddamn highway! Live >action Car Wars--what a great way to meet women. Jonatan: Don't knock it 'til you've tried it. Tango: It's fun for the whole family. Rebecca: I used to have the ultimate Car Wars team. It was two guys in a yellow mini. Mr. Bean was the driver, and Black Adder the gunner. (Sighs) Those were the days. NeoVid: The American Autoduel Association: It's like computer dating. We always find someone to take you out. >Maybe we'll get S.D. [Gryphon]: A clue or two. >arrested and meet Nene and Leon too," Gryphon said sardonically. Rebecca: It'd be a laugh. >Nevertheless, he was accelerating. The road predator in him wouldn't >allow him to be taken by a bike, no matter how cool the rider--Kaneda >excepted, possibly, out of a combined bike/rider cool-factor. Rebecca: What about Thrust? He's his own bike and he plays a mean sax. NeoVid: Thrust plays the sax? Rebecca: He's been wailin' the blues since the day he popped off the assembly line. >The tach began to rise; it was nearing the 12,000-rpm redline MMK [Howling Mad Murphy]: Yo, hey. [Whistles] Bro. Tango [Ted from accounting]: Uh yeah, my name is uh, Ted. From accounting. MMK [Murphy]: Well then you should know how to launch the ten gigawatt emergency radio beacon. Tango [Ted]: Ah no, not really, sir. I'm Ted. Accounting... MMK [Murphy]: And I've heard great things, Kevin. Now less lip, and more launch. Tango [Ted]: All right, okay. (Pushes a button) You're the boss. (Tango [Ted] presses an imaginary button.) Ted: The beacon is on the surface, sir. Are we cool here? MMK [Murphy]: Full power. Juice that baby all the way up, Cedric. Tango [Ted]: Well it's in the red now, sir. (Laughs hesitantly) You know what I'm... (Laughs) It's in the red; I'm from accounting... (MMK [Murphy] laughs.) Tango [Ted]: [Laughs] Yeah... (Pause.) MMK [Murphy]: Ah, no. No I don't. >when Gryphon threw the car into sixth. Tango: It's the bottom of the sixth, and Gryphon's just thrown it. >(The manual magnetohydrodynamic fluid transmission in the 1993 >Chevrolet Camaro Z/28 Interceptor has eight forward gears, only five >of which can support legal highway speeds in its native reality. Here >in MegaTokyo? Four.) Vidstudent: Did we need to know this? Rebecca: No. Vidstudent: Didn't think so. NeoVid: Did it sound like Hutchins really knew it? MMK (narrating): This will all be on the test Thursday, so you really should be taking notes. >Gryphon's mouth twitched into a near-smile as he flipped a >different tape into the tape deck, and before long, the car was filled Jonatan: With large and angry men. Tango: In kilts? >with the sounds of stomping feet and clapping hands, NeoVid: Huh, Jon was right. Jonatan: Haven't you realized yet that I know everything? > and the late great Freddie Mercury's inimitable voice. > >Buddy you're a boy make a big noise playing in the street gonna be a >big man someday / You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, kickin' >your can all over the place / Singin' we will, we will rock you! Tango: Tournament time! Pass the nachos! MMK: Sure thing. NeoVid [Gryphon]: Hey, how long has my Beethoven tape been lying in here? Ranma X: "We Will Rock You"? What the hell? Why not "Bohemian Rhapsody" or "Another One Bites the Dust"? Jonatan: Because, and this may come as a shock to you, Ben isn't capable of picking anything appropriate if his life depended on it. Since it's Priss, "Killer Queen" would've been preferable. S.D.: Or, you know, anything by a band other than Queen. Rebecca: Considering the writers, I think Green Day's "All By Myself" may be the most appropriate choice in this situation. Jonatan: Huh? MMK: Heh heh. >He found himself wondering if his quarry had ever even heard >of Queen. She was retro enough, he decided; she might have. He'd >have to ask. Jonatan: Because it's a well-known fact that Japanese people often are highly educated in American pop-culture of decades past. Vidstudent: Really? Jonatan: No. Ranma X: More like the other way around, actually. Tango: You mean they're educated in American pop-culture of the future? Ranma X: No. (A pause.) Ranma X: Or, well, sort of. >The speedometer continued to climb, the bar graph crawling >across toward the air conditioner vents as the needle swung,; 110, >115, 120... Rebecca [Talking on mobile]: Buy! Buy! Buy! Ranma X: I predict the next will be 125... >they were beginning to gain on the motorcycle. A quick >flash of their headlights from the clear panel on the front of a >motorcycle helmet; she had glanced back. MMK: Priss, watch out for that... (*BOOM* *CRASH* *THUNK* *OOH!*) MMK: (winces) ...tree. >She was on to them. S.D. [Priss, shouting]: Overactor! NeoVid [Jim Carrey]: They're on to me! >Now she'd open it up-- NeoVid: Her shirt? > >The cycle began to pull away. Gryphon grinned and tossed the >gearshift into Tango: --outfield. >seventh gear. The Mark Three fusion turbine snarled >heartily. Ranma X: ...fusion turbine? Jonatan: It's the same form of logic that spawned "progressive grenades" and "teflon armor". NeoVid: Them fusion turbines ain't gonna generate gravitons by themselves! Ranma X [groaning]: You had to pull that one out, didn't you? >This was what it had been designed for. Tango: *Not*, as previously had been suggested, to toss salad. >The Interceptor MMK [Shadow]: . . . Where's my dog? >model of Camaro Z/28 was, as its name indicated, a police pursuit >vehicle. NeoVid: You chase the police with it? >It looked exactly like a base-model Camaro on the outside, >except for the ramscoops on the hood and the ducted ground effects. Tango: And the keen noises it made when you ground the gears! Grnunchrunchrun! >The sounds produced by its fusion turbine were modulated to be >indistinguishable from the lower models' piston engines. Vidstudent: So it's a shame the big "Batcar"-style flame in the rear gave it all away. Ranma X [singing]: It's all about makin' like the G! T! A! Rebecca: I'm sure this would be more interesting if I were the sort of person who enjoys Initial D. You know, besides the funny way they say "gumtape death match". >Only a tiny >"Z/28 Interceptor" badge on the rear betrayed its nature, and then >only to the few who knew what these cars could truly do. MMK [Cool Choi]: It can kill a yak from 200 yards away... with MIND BULLETS! S.D. [Kim Kaphwan]: What about-- MMK [Choi]: Just yaks. S.D. [Kim]: Well can it-- MMK [Choi]: Only 200 yards away. No more, no less. >Its other virtues included a sophisticated multitarget radar >tracking and guidance system, satellite-linked autopilot with >navigational computer, Tango: Sliding back, sunroof head and realistic toes. NeoVid: Fully equipped wet bar for the driver. Ranma X.: With a cupholder. Jonatan: *Two* cupholders! >and an onboard, cellular-Net-linked computer >with automatic software that was very, very close to being MMK: --better than all of AOL put together. NeoVid [computer]: Welcome to AOL! Jonatan: Wait, I don't have AOL... NeoVid [computer]: No, actually, you have a severe brain tumor, which is causing you to hallucinate. Jonatan. Oh. It would have sucked if I had AOL. >an artificial intelligence (in fact, Gryphon had often meant to upgrade >it to a true AI, but never had the time). S.D.: If he breaks out Miranda later in the fic, I'm going homicidal. (glances at MMK) Ah, more so. Jonatan: I'd prefer if he got Parry instead. >Its gleaming skin was not steel or ABS composite, but NeoVid: --Just really, really greasy. >a full half inch of Valiant Lamellor IV >armor plating--suitable for stopping Tesla-II Gauss rifle spikes and >105mm APFSDS rounds. Rebecca: And, pray tell, how did li'l Hutchins afford this monstrosity without indebting himself for generations to come? Jonatan: It's a little-known fact, but he did sell his soul - as well as his anal virginity - to Hell to do that. NeoVid [exact Tobor]: HUTCHINS KNOWS HOW TO PAY FOR FAVORS! RAAAR! >It wasn't painted blue-green; that was currently >the color of its armor. If weighed, the Interceptor would betray its >true nature Vidstudent: It was actually the Nu Gundam in disguise. MMK: No way! Vidstudent: (shrugs) Hard times. >by being a full ton heavier than the regular Z/28, and of >course, anyone who got a look inside would know instantly that NeoVid: --Gryphon never got around to cleaning it out. >it was not a normal Camaro. Edison's quarter-million dollars had been well >spent. Jonatan: No it hadn't, it was wasted on this abomination. Remind me to introduce you to the Leviathan crew. Ranma X: So, they added a ton, and it moves... *faster*. S.D.: Dream physics. Ranma X: You don't say. Pass me that spoon, will you? I need a gag. > >In other words... Rebecca: Ben's jerking off telling us about his car. >They pulled alongside Priss in a couple of seconds. The howl >of her engine could be heard inside the Interceptor--she was redlined >and in top gear. MMK [narrator]: IfyouknowwhatImean... >The look on what of her face could be seen was one >of incredulity--and NeoVid: --homicidal fury. >envy; Gryphon could tell from his quick glance >over that she wanted a car like this one, or at least, a bike like >this car... Rebecca: Of course. Original characters are always inferior to whatever the SI can do. Tango: Except for John Barren. Rebecca: Yeah, but he's special. >Zoner smiled in a friendly manner and waved, trying to >indicate that she should pull over. Instead, she threw the cycle into Ranma X: --His face. >a skid, performing a neat full-speed bootleg NeoVid: Priss is an illegal anime distributor? >and screaming off in the other direction, popping a momentary wheelie. Tango [Rebecca]: Friend find, look behind. (Rebecca hits him.) FRY PIGGIE! >Gryphon smiled a feral smile and rammed the wheel to the left, >his feet stapling the clutch and brake to the floorboards. His left >thumb overrode the anti-lock brakes, forcing the wheels to lock; Ranma X: --then, the vehicle, at about one hundred fifty miles per hour, skidded right into the side of a turn in the freeway and exploded. The end. >the Camaro twisted 180 degrees in the road, its M5 rubberized plasteel >tires wailing. NeoVid [tire]: I haaaate being in this story! Ranma X [tire]: o/~I'm on a highway to helllllllllll! o/~ >As Priss's taillight swung into his HUD again, Gryphon >released the brake override; the antilock system cut in and began to >compensate. Rebecca: That's not the only thing compensating. >Then, as things started to grab, he put the gearshift >back down into second and let out the clutch. MMK [Gryphon]: Run, clutch! Run wild! Be free! >The fusion turbine howled into the night; S.D. [Eddie]: Can you squeal like a pig? >the wheels bit down >hard and the Camaro rocketed forward. The chase was far from lost. Ranma X: But we were completely lost. MMK: *Hopelessly* Lost. (All groan.) >Another flash off Priss's visor as she glanced back; she had heard the >incredible noise that maneuver had made, no doubt about it. Everybody >in that end of Japan probably had. Jonatan: Including the police, I'd imagine. S.D.: Not that they can keep up with Ben's imagination. NeoVid (police radio): We have a 613 Excessive Wankery on the north side bridge, over. >The laser rangefinder built into the Interceptor's sensor >suite kept pinging Priss's motorcycle and feeding range readouts to >Gryphon's HUD; Vidstudent: No wonder the HUD's getting a bit chubby around the edges... > he kept her squarely in the brackets as it counted >down. Tango: Distance to sweet booty... 10 meters... closing fast... >Then the ceiling of the expressway crumbled in front of them >and something big, blue, and ugly dropped through. NeoVid [Skull the troll]: Hi guys! >Priss attempted to >dodge the pile of rubble S.D.: She evaded Barney and Betty's bodies, but sadly, her bike crashed into Bam-Bam's corpse... MMK: Teenage Bam-Bam? (S.D. nods.) MMK: Go Priss! >and biomechanoid killer; her back tire broke >free and down she went. Luckily, she separated from the bike; Rebecca [Priss]: I'm sorry, but this relationship just doesn't work. >cycle slid into the wall and impacted hard, while rider rolled painfully >across the expressway and fetched up against the median only a little >more gently a few dozen feet down the road. Jonatan: Landing just short of the green, setting up a possible birdie. >Gryphon buried the clutch and brake Tango: --In the backyard. >, this time leaving the >antilocker on; speed dropped off so precipitously that Zoner almost >ate dash Tango: Who's Dash? MMK: He's a new Megaman character. >and Ben let out a hard hiss of air from his harness' >pressure. The car stopped ten or fifteen feet in front of the Buma. > >"55c, would you say?" Gryphon inquired calmly. Tango [Michael Palin]: Ah, the 55C. Beautiful plumage, eh? >"I'd say so," Zoner replied. "I don't see any missile racks." S.D.: Of course, Zoner's first impulse is to check out its rack. Ranma X: Gee, they're taking the whole "clear and present danger right in front of us" thing pretty easy, don't they? MMK: Remember, these are the guys who told *ICZER-2* to wait while they finished their comedy routine. (A pause.) And, of course, she did. >"Mark would kill to be here with us." Mark [over intercom]: No, I won't. Vidstudent: We would kill to be there ourselves. Rebecca: ...or anywhere but here reading this, for that matter. Ranma X: I would kill to be there, so I can hold him down for the Boomer. >"Yeah... Too bad we can't go get him." Mark [over intercom]: Thank God! All: Shhhhh!!! >The Buma surveyed its surroundings for a moment; MMK [Buma]: No, no, this isn't right. (MMK pulls out a map.) MMK [Buma]: I *knew* I shoulda made that right at Alberquerque. >then an ADPolice chopper swung down into the expressway from above, opening up >with its chaingun. Tango: Cue cannon fodder. NeoVid: The AD Police! Get out your stopwatches, so we can see how long they last. >"Oh look," Gryphon said, pointing. "A Wasp. How cute." Rebecca: No, Firebee. The Wasp is the hopelessly doomed helicopter from Shadowrun. Vidstudent: So was Zoner's cybernetics. S.D.: And somewhere else, Shawn Hagen is crying. (MMK grins, puts on a plastic stick to his nose, and runs around the theater making buzzing noises.) >"How utterly doomed," Zoner added, laughing twistedly. Tango [Zoner]: Watching people about to die always crack me up! Hee hee! >As if it had heard him, the Buma blew the chopper away, apparently annoyed >by its mosquito impression. (MMK removes the plastic stick on his nose and sits down, grinning.) MMK: Ha! Amateurs. Jonatan: So what was the point of that, anyway? Vidstudent: Besides making a point of how powerful this boomer is, thus making underhanded suggestions as to how great they themselves must be for soon beating it into pieces? Jonatan: Besides that. NeoVid: It was a demonstration of the AD Police Procedures Handbook, "How to Survive Combat With- GODHELPME-uurrrrkkk..." >On the shoulder, Priss stirred and showed >signs of attempting to get up. The Buma turned its attention to her. NeoVid [Buma]: Me like babes. Vavoom. >"Hmmm..." Gryphon tabbed the switch by the headlight knob >marked COMBAT MODE. Ranma X: He labelled everything with masking tape. >The ports over the forward machine-guns slid open >and the missile rack in the front air dam opened up; a Predator-style >targeting reticule appeared around the Buma as the laser rangefinder >took up its secondary role. MMK: How cute and unexpected. Gryphon didn't tell us his car was packed to the gills with weapons. Tango [Gryphon]: How else are we going to take the streets back from the pedestrians? Ranma X [Gryphon]: No, these are here in case one of those damn school buses thinks they can cut me off again. >Gryphon put the Interceptor in >reverse-first and opened it up. The Buma noted itself being lased and >turned to face them, its mouth opening. Rebecca [Buma]: Hey! Stop shining that there! >"Shit--" Gryphon said. MMK [Zoner]: What, right here? >It fired the particle cannon thereinstalled; Gryphon wrenched >the wheel to the right and dodged the bolt, then tabbed one of the >switches on the ceiling above the mirror. Vidstudent: When they were killed by the Boomer, Gryphon wished he had hit the switch instead. >A largish, four-finned missile launched from the air dam, >spiraled picturesquely, and blew the Buma to bits. MMK: Well, that was exciting. NeoVid: Awesome, dude. Epic. >"Yes!" Gryphon said, pumping a fist. MMK [Gryphon, crying manly tears]: OYAJIIIIIIII! Tango [Gryphon]: For my next trick, I will punch through Boomer armour like it was made out of ice cream. >"Good shot," Zoner said, and they shared a high five. Vidstudent: Each got a medium two-point-five. Tango: It's the damn Russian judges. >Gryphon put the car back into first and drove slowly over to Priss, who was >still trying to make it to a kneeling-type position. MMK [Priss]: Must... pray... for strength... Tango [rapping]: Oh, yeah we pray! I say, we pray! >She abruptly found herself semi-surrounded by >concerned-looking total strangers, two in all. Ranma X [Hagar the Horrible]: If we had a fourth guy, we could surround it! >"Who're...you guys anyway?" she asked, pulling herself at last >to hands and knees. Rebecca: Idiots. >"Take it easy, we're friends," Zoner said. Tango [Zoner]: We come in peace. >"Would be, anyway," Gryphon qualified. "It's not totally our >decision." MMK [Gryphon]: Like, not totally, dude. >"We're on your side, anyway." > >"What side is that?" NeoVid [ominous]: The dark side. Jonatan: Your frontside, the side of your bed... Vidstudent: Watch it. (cocks Fuerstenberg) >"The good guys, of course," said Gryphon with a grin. S.D. [Gryphon, thinking]: Damn, I'm smooth... >"Come on, let us help you up." > >"I can manage." She got to one knee, straightened, gasped in >pain, and fell back to hands and knees. NeoVid [Gryphon]: ...Manage *what*? >"Don't be so tough all the time," Gryphon said, offering a >hand again. "You remind me of someone else I know..." > >"Et tu, Gryphon?" Zoner said sarcastically. S.D.: Here's hoping Gryphon kills him. Vidstudent: But what about Gryphon? Jonatan: Eh, he'll commit suicide at the end of Act Five. Just wait. Rebecca: Strike him down now, Gryphon, if e'er you loved me. >He went over to check on her bike. NeoVid [Gryphon]: Who cares about her when this *bike* is around! Just look at it! >Priss looked up, then slowly took his hand and let him help >her up. Nothing appeared broken--the miracle of leathers-- Jonatan: Priss was fortunate to wear her +4 leather armor. >but, like ow? Rebecca: I guess q was the dialogue coach. >"Your bike's trashed," Zoner called, standing over what was >left of it. MMK [Zoner]: I claim this trash in the name of Spain! >"Not like I could--ow--ride it anyway," Priss muttered. "Why >the hell did you chase me?" Rebecca: One word, booty. >"We wanted to talk to you," Gryphon said, rather sheepishly. >"It was the best thing we could think of on the spur of the moment." Tango: It was either that or go home and throw monkeys at the wall. >"That's some car you've got." > >"Thanks...I take some minor pride in it..." (All make coughing noises.) >"Yeah," Zoner snorted. "You take some minor pride in your car >the way I had a little something to do with Akira showing at WPI... >Well, our WPI...well, our old WPI..." He grinned at Priss and hooked >a thumb at Ben. "He loves that car more than anything else in the >world." Rebecca: Even his right hand? NeoVid [Zoner]: Well, almost everything. >"Never know it--ouch--the way you beat it," Priss told >Gryphon. S.D.: So even Priss knows he's a jerk off? Vidstudent: That particular knowledge is probably universal by now. MMK: We might as well call him "Grippin'". Vidstudent: Okay, that's enough on the subject. >"Hey--I drive hard, true, but I take care of it!" Gryphon >patted a fender with almost paternal pride. "This car never wants for >anything." Jonatan [car]: That's what he thinks. I want another owner. >"Christ, Gryphon, you're starting to remind me of Leona." Jonatan: I doubt that. He doesn't have the attitude, the perky breasts, or for that matter a personality that's actually bearable. MMK: Let's see how he handles muffins first. >"Worry when I start sleeping in it. Which reminds me, we've >still got no place to sleep tonight. Uh, I hate to be the one to ask, >since we've only just met and all, but Tango [Gryphon]: Could you please have my children? No? How about grandchildren? >do you have a couch or a floor or something we could crash on? >We're kinda desperate..." Rebecca: For readership, that is. >"I don't believe this! You guys pop up out of nowhere, chase >me down, I wreck my bike, S.D. [Priss]: --write me out-of-character-- Vidstudent [Priss]: --leer at me-- MMK [Priss]: --make me fantasize about five-foot-eight three-hundred pound guys-- >and now you want to crash at my place? Ranma X: And since they're SIs, she'll agree anyway. >I don't even know your names!" MMK [Zoner]: Allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste. Rebecca: Bad taste, that is. >"Well...geez, details, details. I'm not feeding you a line or >anything here, this isn't some lame pickup attempt-- Vidstudent: It's his standard MO, so it's not lame in his opinion. >I know full well >how that kind of thing would work out. I'm Ben Hutchins--friends call >me MMK [Gryphon]: ...well, I don't *have* any, but they'd call me Gryphon. If they were *really* my friends. >Gryphon--and my illustrious colleague is Brian `MegaZone' Bikowicz, >who takes serious offense if anyone refers to him by his legal name. NeoVid [Gryphon]: He prefers that people use his illegal name, which he bought in small used bills from a shady hunchbacked man in a New Jersey factory district. >He most often answers to `Zoner'. We just hit town tonight, under >somewhat less than clear circumstances which we don't understand, >really, ourselves." > >"What's that supposed to mean?" Tango: It's the worlds' worst chatup line? Rebecca [Gryphon]: It means, "Let's go back to your place and have lots of hot sweaty animal sex". >"It means, half an hour ago we were in Worcester, >Massachusetts, and it was December 7th, 1993," said Zoner. Rebecca [Priss]: I think I liked it better when the boomer was attacking me. >"Bullshit." > >"Didn't think you'd believe it," Zoner commented. Ranma X: Good for her. >"Look at it this way," Gryphon said. "What possible reason >would we have for telling you something that wild if it wasn't the >truth? Jonatan: You mean, aside from the one you just presented? >It certainly wouldn't help our cause any if it was a lie. >We're confused and tired, and S.D.: --horny? >we need a place to crash. You, on the >other hand, are hurt, and probably tired, and NeoVid [Gryphon]: --good and vulnerable. >you need a ride back into town. I'm willing to give you that ride, >with or without a place to crash in return--that's the kind of nice >guy I am. Vidstudent: Landsakes, Gryphon! Your ego is filling the house! >Look, you saw how fast my car is--I could've just cleared out and >left you to the Buma. Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Uh, please don't ask why my car has more weapons than a tank. >I'm an honest guy. Rebecca [Gryphon]: Pompous, but honest. >So is Zoner. All we want is a little help, >and we've got some help to offer in return." Rebecca [Gryphon]: You wouldn't by any chance need help satisfying your carnal desires, do you? >"How do I know this isn't just some kind of trick to get me >into that car?" Jonatan [Gryphon]: Well, it is. Feel better? >"You don't. All you have is my solemn word of honor that >nothing will happen to you. Vidstudent: And like Cush's father, his word is stronger than oak. MMK : You said your word was good! Tango : No, I said my word was as good as yours. >If you want blood on it I'll give it to >you. Ranma X [Gryphon, muttering]: Someone else's. S.D. [Zoner, thinking]: Why am I suddenly getting Red Cross visitation day flashbacks? >Besides, think about it; if we were psychos or murderers or >kidnappers or rapists or Buma or worse, Tango: Like mass-murdering serial puppy kickers. >in the shape you're in, we wouldn't have to trick you into the car..." S.D.: Yeah, right. Don't flatter yourself, Ler Drit boy. >"And you?" she asked, looking at Zoner. > >Zoner shrugged. Ranma X [Zoner]: We agreed that when I talk I usually blow our plan and the woman gets away. (A pause.) Ranma X [Zoner]: Oh, wait, heh. Whoops. >"I can't think of anything to say that he >hasn't already said...besides, he's the driver, not me." Rebecca: Zoner's going to keep his trap shut and let Ben get himself out of this. >"Well, this is an interesting development..." Priss walked >slowly and painfully over to the wreckage of her bike, looked at it >for a second, MMK [Priss, thinking]: Hmmm... looks like a profile of Abe Lincoln. Vidstudent [Priss]: I wonder if I can sell it as "modern art"? >then turned around and looked at Gryphon and MegaZone, >who stood by the car smiling pleasantly. Tango: Never trust a smiling SI. (NeoVid smiles with a *ping*.) >There was something about >the two of them that inclined her to trust them... Rebecca: The Aura of Smooth. (TM) >and Priss was not >one to trust people by instinct. And she did dearly want to see the >inside of that car. Vidstudent: And she would regret wanting that. >She limped back over and stood in front of Gryphon for a >second. Then, without warning, she belted him, a right cross, hard. Ranma X: Again, good for her. NeoVid: We've replaced Priss with an ADD patient. Let's see if the audience notices... >His head twisted to the right and some blood spattered the pavement, >but it swung right back; Edison and Master Caine had prepared him for >much worse. NeoVid: So Gryphon's teacher wasn't Master Bate? >He looked quizzically at her, raising a hand to rub his >jaw. > >"Making sure you're not a Buma," she said. She turned to >Zoner, found herself looking at the cockpit of an RAH- Tango: RAH! RAH! MMK: Let's see that old school spirit! (MMK and Tango bring out pom-poms and start waving them around.) MMK: Give me a WUS! Tango: WUS! MMK: Give me an E! Tango: E! MMK: What's that spell? MMK & Tango: WUSSY! S.D.: Sit down! Both of you! >66, looked up, and then turned back to Gryphon. NeoVid: And PUNCHED HIM AGAIN! YEAH! "Ok. I don't know why, but I Ranma X [Priss]: --have the strangest urge to destroy you. > trust you--for now. Let's go." Ranma X: Called it. Damn. >"You can hit me too if it will make you feel better," Zoner >offered sweetly. S.D.: Please do. Rebecca: He asked for it. Vidstudent: Normally, I'd say no, but the man wants it. Give it. >"Umm... I don't think that will be necessary." Jonatan: ...Yet. >"Well, whatever." > >"I'm a doctor," Ranma X: And I'm a Disney character. > Gryphon mentioned as she got into the back >seat. "I could take a look at your injuries if you like. NeoVid [Gryphon]: Take off your clothes and spread your legs... Vidstudent: I'm not going to be surprised... >I imagine you won't." > >"Good--ow--call." > >"Yeah, I thought as much. Why doesn't anyone ever trust >doctors?" MMK: They just don't trust *this* doctor. Tango: Yeah, no MD license plates. MMK: Or golf clubs in the back seat. > >"Thanks, but I kind of like my doctors to be old enough to >drink, you know?" Tango: How old do doctors have to get before you can drink them? Jonatan: I usually let mine mature for three to five years before uncorking them. >"That's not fair. I am old enough to drink. And what about >Doogie Howser? He doesn't even shave." Tango: And yet he's got the smoothest legs you've ever seen. >"Who?" S.D.: Neil Patrick Harris. >"Oh, never mind." > > >"Weird day weird day weird day," NeoVid [exact Jackie Chan]: Bad day bad day bad day!! >Ben muttered as he unpacked the emergency field kit. Rebecca: Item one: The blow-up Kei luvluv doll. Ben never goes anywhere without it. >"Fweird day." Four weeks field rations, >won't be needing those; sleeping bag, ah, useful; toothbrush etc., >very handy; water tablets, S.D.: Tablets... of water. So... what the hell would that be, dehydrated *water*? What's the point of water tablets?! NeoVid: Hey, do you know how hard it is to make dry water like that? Show some respect. Jonatan: o/~ I'll eat anything, except steam, please just no steam, you'd think after 25 years they'd learn not to burn the water! o/~ >what's the point of those anyway?; S.D.: ... MMK: You Know You Read Too Much Eyrie *When*-- S.D.: Shut up. >tent, not necessary; NeoVid [Gryphon]: I'll just put a tarp over myself and sleep on my back. Tango: Not necessary? So what is he meant to do if he needs to recharge his HP and MP? Well? MMK: Knowing Hutchins, he'd just do the Multiplying Elixir trick. Again. >small package of Ziploc bags, what're these in here >for?; Jonatan: Well, they do double as extremely large protection, ribbed for your discomfort. Not that you'll need that size, white boy. >thermal underwear, yahright, in summer in Tokyo; empty Pepsi >can, what the hell?; Rebecca: You trade the empty Pepsi can to the Collectables Store Man. He gives you the European Crimson Guard Immortal that you give to the Flower Girl in the slums. She gives you the flower, which you give to the Crazy Guy by the bar. He'll give you his TV remote control and you use that to get past the doorman and up to the toilet. Vidstudent: Sidequests, who needs 'em? > box of Trojans, who the hell packed this thing?!; NeoVid: Aww... acting all innocent? MMK: Innocent... like a FOX! Jonatan: Actually, he had brought a box of actual trojan warriors, shrunken for convenience. >cordless phone?!?! Ok, that does it. Close the damn kit and put it Rebecca: I know where he should put it. >back in the trunk. Tango: Fortunately he carries a two-ton steamer trunk for just such an emergency. >He picked up the small box of bathroom-type stuff NeoVid [Gryphon]: Hey, where the hell's my portable Excremeditation Chamber? >and the rolled-up sleeping bag, made certain the car was Jonatan: Ridiculously tricked-out? >locked, and then went into the apartment. Rebecca: That's nice, but Priss lives in a trailer. Tango: It's a semi-detached, split-level trailer. >Gryphon stretched out on the sofa, then curled up into a ball, Ranma X: And cried like a baby. >pulling his sleeping bag around him. Rebecca: Then Priss dumped empty beer cans on him and stubbed out cigarettes on his feet. > Fucking strange day. He drifted >into the fringe areas of sleep, wondering if maybe, when he awoke, it >would all be different again. Jonatan: He woke up much later, dressed in a skimpy number and stapled to the hood of a mack truck. S.D.: He got his wish through, at least. >"Hey Gryph?" Zoner's voice rattled him out of his haze. > >"What?" MMK: The next Special Guest Star: Steve Austin as Gryphon! Tango: WHAT? MMK: The next Special Guest Star: Steve Austin as Gryphon! Tango: WHAT? MMK: The next Special Guest Star: Steve Austin as Gryphon! Tango: WHAT? MMK: The next Special Guest Star: Steve Austin as Gryphon! Tango: WHAT? MMK: The next Special Guest Star: Steve Austin as Gryphon! Tango: WHAT? S.D.: Stop. That. *NOW*. Tango: WHAT? Rebecca: Pandora's Box, ladies and gentlemen. Big round of applause! >"D'you think we're doing this for some kind of reason?" > >"What?" Tango: WHAT? (S.D. growls.) >"You know...bouncing around like this. NeoVid: *Boingy, boingy, boingy*... > Do you think there's a >point to it? Like quantum leaping, you know...do you think there's a >purpose?" MMK [Gryphon]: Yeah, you're talking about earning millions of dollars by making a top-rated science fiction show that will be enjoyed by all age groups, right? S.D. [Zoner]: No, we're a non-profit online writing group, remember? MMK [Gryphon]: Oh. I knew that. >"No." > >"Why not?" > >"Because it's oh god hundred hours and I've been dimensionally >displaced today. I'm not in the mood to discuss Quantum Leap. NeoVid [Gryphon]: And just so you'd shut up about it: Al *cannot* engage in sexual relations while in hologram mode. >Besides, I don't believe in that `here for a purpose' shit...the >universe is just fucking with us. Rebecca: So, finally we see our protagonists' ultimate fantasy. Jonatan: Geez, just how many innuendoes can a dialogue contain? (NeoVid starts counting on his fingers.) Jonatan: Rhetorical question. NeoVid: Damn. > Go to sleep." > >"Ok, ok...geez, what a shitty outlook. That's my job." Vidstudent: ...wonder how much that pays? >Somewhere in the back of his unconscious mind, there was the >sound of a curtain being racked back. Jonatan [curtain in Gryphon's mind]: Okay, Logic center. Start working! Rebecca: This is a very well-appointed derelict trailer. Tango: Optimus Prime was having a clearance sale on older models. > Light blasted across his eyelids, Ranma X: Ohmigod! Gryphon mutated into Cyclops! Tango: DREAMS DO- (S.D. stuffs his head in a sack) Rebecca: "The rays of the sun blessed the closed lids of The Tom Dyron on this morning..." > filtering into his mind and yanking him away. Jonatan: All right! The sun hates Ben! >He turned away from the light, opened his eyes, then looked back. NeoVid [Gryphon]: Whoa! I had a near-death experience again? MMK [Magicant flower]: Look to the sun. Face the sun and smile... > Zoner was standing in the window, NeoVid [Gryphon]: Uh, couldja turn down your aura? You're lighting up the whole city again... Vidstudent [Zoner]: Witness my majesty and tremble in awe, lowly humans! MMK [Gryphon]: Put your pants back on! Now! >looking out over MegaTokyo (well, more like under >MegaTokyo, considering where Priss's flat was). Tango: She's renting from the Mole Man. >"Shut that goddamned curtain," Gryphon mumbled. "What're you >trying to do, kill me?" Jonatan [Zoner]: Uh... no? [whispered] That should fool him. Rebecca [Zoner]: Think of it as 'removing the competition'. >"Morning, Gryph," Zoner said. "We're still here." Vidstudent: I hope something fixes that soon. >"No shit. Could we have discovered that in a less painful >manner?" Ranma X: Yes, but where's the fun in that? S.D. [Zoner]: I actually would have done it in a more painful manner, but we forgot to pack the road flares into the emergency kit. >Gryphon inquired, sitting up. He hated sleeping in his >clothes. Rebecca: I really didn't need to know that. > "Eugh, I hate this. My mouth tastes like the floor of a >taxicab." He made a face. MMK: Something like this? (^_^) NeoVid: Maybe it was something like this? (o/@) MMK: Cool! Let me try that. (o/0) NeoVid: Close, keep working on it. (MMK ^_^s.) Jonatan: Ol' Ben samples taxicab floors on a regular basis, I guess? Tango: They're like fine cheese! (MMK o/@s.) MMK: Oh, hey, there we go! NeoVid: Cool, you got it. (MMK */*s.) NeoVid: Whoa. Dude. >"Did you sleep well?" > >"Oh yeah, I love sleeping on assorted motorcycle parts. Ranma X: No one wants to hear about your weird fantasies. >It's a big part of my life." He rubbed his neck, then gave it a most >satisfying crack. S.D.: Suicide, he had decided, was the only way out. "Augh. We have to find someplace to live." Ranma X: Try the garage. Stand near the drain so the blood doesn't go everywhere when... Jonatan: 'Live', not 'die'. Rebecca: You could hang out at Sylia's place. Everyone else does. Tango: There's an entrance test though. You have to be able to punch through Boomer Armour like it was made out of some form of soft dessert. >Zoner looked around the kipple-strewn, Rebecca: When you transform Sideburn into robot mode, he looks something like this. >small room, with a huge Jonatan [Tom Servo]: I'm *huge*! >stack of CDs in one corner, leaning drunkenly on a stereo and amp, Tango: Don't you hate it when your CDs go out and get plastered like that? >with speakers scattered here and there Vidstudent: How they got in there and why they keep talking, we don't know. >and a guitar leaning across a >chair, and comic books and newspapers everywhere, and said, "I kinda >like it here." NeoVid [Zoner]: But I'd like it anywhere when I'm stoned. > >"You would," Gryphon replied. "Looks just like goddamn E7. Rebecca: College student messes are universal. >It doesn't matter if you like it here, this isn't our place. I kind >of doubt that Priss would be particularly happy Tango: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT PRISS- MMK: GODDAMMIT, YES IT DOES! Tango: Whoa. Okay. >if we moved into her living room." Jonatan: She could just call the pest control. MMK: Why would she need to get rid of unwanted vermin-- never mind. >"True," said Zoner, cracking his neck. Ranma X: Permanently? Rebecca: No. Ranma X: Damn. >"I think we'd be sick of it soon enough anyway." > >"I'm sick of it now," All: So are we! >Gryphon said. "I was never the sleepover type." Rebecca: More of the "slip quietly away" type. MMK [Gryphon]: We can stay up all night, swap manly stories... and tomorrow, I'm gonna make *waffles*! >"Hmm...well, first, we'd have to have money, which probably >involves getting jobs..." > >"Doesn't that just suck." > >"Doesn't it, though." Jonatan: Yes, it's just soo bad when being a productive member of society draws away your time from indulging in technobabble and self-delusional fantasy. S.D.: And you're a paragon of work ethics yourself? Jonatan: I'm a professional threat to society. I receive government grants and stuff. Tango: Me too! Put it right there, partner! S.D.: The government fund that sort of thing? Jonatan: Only because no one else would. >"Morning guys," Priss greeted them as she limped into the >room. (Tango laughs like a laugh track, then stops abruptly.) >"Morning. How're you feeling today?" Zoner asked concernedly. MMK [Priss]: Like I've had almost as many head injuries as you. >"Stiff and sore, but I've been worse." Priss sipped at her >coffee. > >"Yeah, those hardsuits can't absorb--oops..." Ranma X [Zoner]: Oh man... what an embarrassing slip the tongue... slip OF the tongue! OF! > >Priss sprayed her coffee across the kitchen. MMK: She's undergone the transformation into the Great Muta again! [Tango spits a cloud of green mist.] Vidstudent: ...I don't want to know how he did that. MMK: It's a secret gland in the throat-- Vidstudent: I said I *don't want to know*. >Gryphon grabbed at his face and cried, "Doh...! Bart! MMK [Zoner]: B-but... I'm Zoner. (Ranma X smacks the back of MMK's head.) > Sure, >sure, why don't you just tell her we're interdimensional psycho >killers from beyond time and space?! MMK [Zoner]: You mean we aren't? > Ravenous Star Groaties! Spies from Planet Zardon!!" Gryphon raved. Vidstudent: My god, he's a raver! Jonatan [Largo]: How to notice zombies... >"Hey, it just sort of slipped, ya'know." NeoVid [Zoner]: Like my gun hand that time I found my girlfriend with her other boyfriend. Remember that? MMK [Gryphon]: Hey, I apologized for that already! >"Ok! I want to know who the hell you guys are, and I want to >know now," Priss asked from behind a rather large gun. Jonatan: Pretty big gun if she can use it for a barricade. Tango: Bah. My gun's bigger than that. Vidstudent: Amateurs. >"I just told you," Ben answered. Tango: And I'd believe them too. >"He's Ben or Gryphon if you prefer, I'm MegaZone or Zoner. We >did this last night, remember?" Rebecca: And they have the photos to prove it. >"That's not what the fuck I meant! How do you know about me?" Tango [Zoner]: We're stalkers. >"Well, um, the dimensional vortex we keep getting sucked into? >It's kinda transfictional. Where we come from you're kind of ink on >sort of a plastic cel, MMK [Priss]: And after that story, you're going to end up in a rubber cell. (A pause.) MMK [Priss]: Or, of course, as a messy stain. >and they changed your voice actress once, and everyone hated the new one. Rebecca: Then they recreated you as a kind of Japanese Alanis Morrisette with pasty skin and a fondness for one-word sentences and that pretty much sucked too. >That gun looks real to me, though. What do you think, Zoner? Vidstudent: That was when he noticed that Zoner was already out the door and all the way down the hallway. >That gun definitely looks like the kind of gun I >wouldn't lie to." Tango: Because lies make little baby Jesus cry. And when little baby Jesus cries, he gets trigger-happy. >"Actually I think it's pretty nice. Looks like a...." > >"Zoner! Not now, she's going to shoot me! Back me up!" Ben >snarled. Ranma X: Zoner didn't pay attention to how far he backed up, and ended up falling out the window. >"Well what do you want me to do? This..." Zoner snapped >across the kitchen nook and snatched the gun from her hand. "Hey, >this IS a nice gun." Tango: The gun purred as he petted it. S.D.: Of course, knowing Priss, she shot him the moment he as much as twitched... *no* she didn't, because this one's been *lobotomized*! > >"That isn't what I had in mind, but I suppose it'll do." > >Gryphon eyed the weapon. "Colt M2000, isn't it?" Tango: I think I've got a Dassault M2000 in here as well... (Rummages through his pockets) Rebecca: Put the Mirage away, Tango. Tango: But it's factory fresh. Rebecca: Later. Tango: Awwww... >Priss meanwhile had begun backing along the wall away from >Zoner, eyeing him with obvious unease. Rebecca [Priss, thinking]: Ewww... would you look at the stain on his... >"Oh, hey, sorry about that. I just didn't want you to drill >Ben. NeoVid [Zoner]: Now can I drill you? (NeoVid ducks Ranma X's spatula.) >I'd hate to have to explain that one. Vidstudent [passerby]: Hey, why's he got a hole in his head? S.D. [Zoner]: He's, uh... trying out for a part in Moby Dick! Yeah. >Here," Zoner removed the >clip and jacked the shell out of the chamber, "you can have this >back." (Ranma X [Priss] reaches for the gun, but MMK [Zoner] jerks it out of his each.) MMK [Zoner]: Oops, I didn't say "Simon says..." >Priss took the proffered gun from him. "You're a Buma." Jonatan [Zoner]: No way! I'm not a Dragonball character! NeoVid [Gryphon]: She said a Buma... Jonatan [Zoner]: Oh. >"Me, nah, I just have some modifications. I'm human, same as >you. Rebecca: Well, if you read into some of the net speculation, that might not be the right thing to say. Vidstudent: Before his modifications, he was a slug. >I've got a little electronic assistance, Rebecca: ...electronic compensation, you mean. Jonatan [Priss]: ...Monolith implant? NeoVid [Zoner]: It's for scientific reasons, I swear! > but I can explain that >later. You still plan on drilling us, NeoVid [Zoner]: ...or would you rather we drill you? (Ranma X smacks him with a spatula. NeoVid doesn't notice.) > or can we discuss this situation over some coffee?" Jonatan: Ten minutes later, Priss had both of them tied up and suspended over a vat of boiling coffee. >"Ah, I guess I can always kill you later," Priss said with a >smirk. Ranma X [Eric Bischoff]: Let's say, oh... three minutes? >"I suppose so, if it makes you feel better, here." Zoner gave >the clip and shell back to her. > >"Ben, would you care to join us?" Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Why, are you coming apart? >"I suppose I should." Gryphon stumbled to the kitchen table. >"Coffee. Ugh." Tango: All hail coffee! It is what powers us! It is what makes us great machines of pure power, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! It is the giver of all life! If you disrespect the coffee, you will burn in the hereafter! LOVE THE COFFEE! FEAR THE COFFEE! GASP IN AWE AT THE COFFEE! WORSHIP THE COFFEE! Rebecca: I think you have had too much coffee. Tango: Have not. (bounces up and down vigorously on his seat) >Zoner began the story. "Well, it all started back in the fall >of 1991..." MMK [Gryphon]: Okay, story time! (A pause. MMK looks around at strange looks.) MMK: Oh, yeah. Forgot I wasn't in the other theater. Signus [over intercom]: AAAAAUGH! MMK: Much better. (He ^_^s.) (Cue falling elephant.) Signus [over intercom]: Much better. MMK [from under elephant]: Gots to spread the word. >"You're trying to tell me you altered an entire universe to >match your story. Travelled to that dimension, leapt from there to an >alternate Worcester, and then from there to here," Priss asked, just a >wee bit incredulous. > >"You're right, that is a really lame story. Ranma X: I just hate it when they do that! S.D.: Why? Ranma X: I wanted to say that line! NeoVid: It's the Amazing Self-Riffing Fic(tm)! > The truth is we're refugees from the Fire Maidens of Outer Space Rebecca [Priss]: That explains the gaudy brasserie. MMK [Gryphon]: Oh, you noticed! Do you think the color matches my eyes? >and we came here because we were sick and tired of the non-stop adoration and >sex. (All cough, making sounds that seems to be "bullshit.") > We wanted to be mistreated and have our lives threatened by a woman, so >we Jonatan: ...got married. >came to you," Zoner summed up. "Now, point that gun at him again, >he just loves it." Rebecca [Priss]: Well, if you say so... >"Zoner, if I survive this you will die. Slowly. Painfully. Ranma X: This story is getting good. >And in a very inglorious manner. A manner that will gain you no >respect on the net at all. Tango: You will be... nibbled to death by a Rottweiller's weight in Chihuahuas! Rebecca: Have to keep up your *net cred*, after all. > A manner that will make the net go, gee, >what a lame fuck that Zoner was. Vidstudent: You know how that's different from now? Ranma X: How? Vidstudent: It's in past tense. Ranma X: I figured. >Besides, you're lying, we're really >The The Eye Creatures." S.D. [Gryphon]: Sorry, did I stutter? Tango: A bird in the the bush! >"Hey Crow--rock climbing." > >"Rock climbing, Servo." > >"Joel? rock climbing." > >"Hey, Cambot, rock climbing." Rebecca: Do not, I repeat, do not bring Joel and the Bots into this. They've suffered enough as it is. >"How much Keefe does this film have?" > >"Miles O'Keefe!" they chorused. Tango: Hey, Rebecca, what's the Keefe content of this fic? Rebecca: There's no Keefe in here. Miles' too sweet pecs wouldn't be seen dead in this. >"Sorry, Joel, but you won't be watching E.T. this >Thanksgiving. Instead you're going to watch this cheap >Czechoslovakian rip-off called Pod People. It has nothing to do with >pods. It has nothing to do with people. It has everything to do with >hurting. Oh, and just so you don't feel left out, at the end, E.T. >goes home. Ball's in your court, Spielberg. Oh, and I've had Amy >Irving. She's hot!" Gryphon rambled. NeoVid: ...Damn, I was right! Jonatan: The grey goo on the floor is Priss' brains leaking out from the sheer stupidity. Ranma X: Actually, it's mine. S.D.: No, it's Gryphon's, after Priss shot his fool head open. Jonatan: Keep the dream alive. Tango: DREAMS DON-- (S.D. stuffs Tango's head in the sack again.) > >Priss was reduced to a quivering ball of laughter, at the same >time quite convinced that both men were totally insane. S.D.: The latter's fine with me. The former, on the other hand-- Ranma X: She should have reduced them to smears on the wall before they got to the Mystery Science Theater jokes? S.D.: Exactly. > >"I think we broke her," Zoner observed. Ranma X: I'd like to go over there and smack him one. >"That we did. But really, I mean gee, wouldn't you? Wouldn't >you laugh if your head exploded? No...I guess you wouldn't. I >would..." Ranma X: So would I. Jonatan: (stands up) For seven hundred years I followed a strict doctrine of pure restraint and love for my fellow man. Then I saw a man's head explode and laughed. Now I just can't have enough of that skull-poppin' fun! Thank you! (sits down) (All thers applaud.) >"But to regain some semblance of seriousness. NeoVid [Gryphon]: If I could be serious for a moment... heh! Love that line... >Ben and I are from a different plane of existence. To us this is a fictional >universe. Of course the universe is infinite in size, and there are >an infinite number of them. MMK [Quinn Mallory]: What if you found a portal to a parallel universe... where it's the same year and you're the same person... but everything else is completely different... > So it's no big surprise that it really >exists. It could be worse, we could have ended up in Rocket Attack >USA." > >"Um, I know I'm going to regret this. But what is Rocket >Attack USA?" > >Zoner cringed a little; he knew what was next. MMK: OKAY, STORY TIME! >Gryphon took a deep breath and began, "Well, first of all, Sam >Waterson sends the spy guy in the Piper Cub over to Russia, to the >restaurant with the bad service, and then he meets the girl who dates >a pig, NeoVid: Hillary Clinton? >and he lives in her closet Jonatan: Could be worse. S.D.: How so? Jonatan: Could be like me. Because, o/~ I live in a suitcase... o/~ >for ten years while they develop the >United States rocket program! Yeah, yeah, and like a fine wine the >relationship between the spy girl and the fat stinky balding Russian >pig guy only gets better--and that's disgusting! MMK: Much like this one story I read about a pair of Trouble Consultants and a bunch of students from Worchester... >Enter Leonard Nimoy/Bill Bixby type...he hands 'em a megaton of TNT, leads 'em >into >the woods and suddenly they're having a teary departure like we're >s'posed to care--I mean, we didn't even know the guy was s'posed to be >a Brit, y'know...all he did was say things like `Cheerio' and `good >boy', gaaah. Jonatan: (shrugs)And here I thought that's all that was required in your world. S.D.: Case in point: Carter Devlin. Jonatan: (winces) Please, don't remind me. >And then Suie the Pig Girl gets shot, in one of the >least dramatic scenes since Date with an Angel, Spy Guy muffs the >bombing on the missile guarded by the Fotomat and then he gets shot in >the same place as Suie the Pig Girl! Oh, cut to New York, where Art >Metrono and Harry Connick eat pizza and buy ties for their stupid >girlfriends and Harry Truman gets off a plane by the sewage dump and >then a blind guy goes by and says `Help me,' what the hell was that >supposed to be?!? Tango: What are you asking us for? (S.D. and Vidstudent make exagerated snoring noises.) >And then there's the glorious ending where the >entire center of New York City explodes (except for the perimeters) >and all we learn is that you're supposed to live in the suburbs, not >in the city!" MMK [Gryphon]: And *then* we're treated to an epic kung-fu tournament where John Saxon punches a guy in the balls! Oh, and then we go *back* to Mount Akina so that Takumi can race *another* new challenger, and -- guess what? get this! -- *he wins again*! Then we find out that Marky Mark has accidentally altered time again-- Tango [Gryphon]: And *that*'s where it gets silly! >Priss just sort of stared, slack-jawed. Rebecca [Priss]: Don't tell me that's your inspiration for this one? Jonatan [Gryphon]: Damn straight! >"Well, you asked," was all Zoner said. >"You guys are very, very strange. But you've convinced me. MMK [Priss]: You really do have to be locked up. >Bumas aren't that odd and the way you're talking you must be from >another dimension." S.D. [Priss]: ...or mental ward patients, but I'm only reading the script, right? Rebecca: So they don't have bad movies in the BGC universe? Tango: They did, but GENOM simply bought them all and used them as boomer training algorithms. Whenever a Boomer tries to shoot you, it's seeing you as Roger Corman. >"So, care to introduce us to the rest of the Knight Sabers? >Or should we just go and surprise them ourselves?" Zoner asked. > >"Sure! Let's risk getting shot three more times! Ranma X: Sounds good to me. >You can pick your friends, but time travel partners you're stuck with." Rebecca: Unless you're Dr. Who. Then they more or less come and go as they please. Jonatan: I suspect most of them get lost in the TARDIS and starve to death before finding their way back. >"Hey, it was just an idea... I'd like to shock Nene a bit... >hehe." NoeVid: Right... shock... that's what he's calling it these days... >"You are cruel. I would be forced by the commands of my >genetic structure to defend my fellow gweep, you realize." Tango [Gryphon]: You will never again impugn the honor of planet Zebulon! >Zoner nodded solemnly. "So, how about it Priss?" > >"I guess it couldn't hurt." Ranma X.: Then what's the point? Rebecca [Deep]: Famous. Last. Words. Jonatan: [to Ranma X] You wanna get hurt? Three bucks. Ranma X: You expect me to pay you to get hurt? Jonatan: [rolls eyes] Well, *obviously*. >"You think Sylia might have jobs for us? We're going to need >to get some new clothes, food, living space, etc... And I think it >might be hard to get a job through normal channels." Rebecca: Well, she is looking for some new store dummies. MMK: Uck. 5'8", 300-pound Ben in lingerie. >"Well, you'll have to talk to her..." NeoVid [Priss]: Actually, wait. I see a flaw in this plan. >"Bad idea, bad idea, very bad idea, big, big bad, big bad >thing, bad, bad idea." S.D.: But enough about this plot... >"Problems, Gryph?" > >"Well um... You know... Um... You do remember what kind of >legitimate business the good doctor Stingray runs don't you?" > >"A lingerie shop." NeoVid: Doesn't sound like such a bad job. MMK: I don't see any problems. Jonatan: Neither do I. Ranma X: I must admit it beats working at Wendy's. (Vidstudent takes out his Furstenberg.) NeoVid: Hey, look! Movie's still on. >"Yes. And I have such a pressing desire to work in a lingerie >shop. It's always been a career goal of mine. There must be a >McDonald's in town. Or some construction work. I have experience >with construction." NeoVid [Gryphon]: I have vowed never to look at half-naked women! MMK [Zoner]: This does not surprise me. >"And I suppose you're going to be able to satisfy the >government requirements. Like citizenship. Besides, I was thinking >more along the lines of working on the Knight Saber end of things." Rebecca: Let's go to the Knight Saber Munky-Boy Application form. Question one: Do you have any super-powers, psychokinetic or telepathic abilities, cybernetics, genetic enhancements, nanites or boomer technology inside of you? Tango [Gryphon]: Er, all of the above. Rebecca: Question two. Do you have your own hardsuit? Tango [Gryphon]: Yes I do. I made it out of old used cereal packets. Rebecca: Is it superior in every way to our current ones? Tango [Gryphon]: It has dual hip-mounted BFG 9000s, an automatic progressive grenade launcher, two near-monomolecular swords and a sunroof! Rebecca: Question three. How were you connected to the late Dr. Stingray? Tango [Gryphon]: He was my father's brother's sister's uncle's aunt's mother's former room mate. Rebecca: Question four. Which one of the Knight Sabers have you had a previous relationship with? Tango [Gryphon]: Er, all of the above. Rebecca: Question five. What characters do you plan on saving from dying? Tango [Gryphon]: All of them except Sho's Mother. I'll only save her if she gets a first name. Rebecca: Thank you very much, Mr. Gryphon. We'll be in touch. >"Yeah, there's legitimate work. I can see myself filling out >my tax report. Occupation, hardsuit technician. Wait a sec, let me >try something...." Long thoughtful pause. "Crosspatch subsection >four to circuit DN413... Tango: 0k4y! >Would you like fries with that?... Vidstudent: No, but I'd like a better joke to go with this tripe. >Ok, I'm in." > >"Nice to have you aboard... I figure you're pretty good with >the electromechanical end of things and I'm not bad at MMK [Zoner]: ...at... uhhhh... I'll think of something... little help? >the electronic end. Having skillwires has its advantages. Jonatan: It *is* nifty, but you'd better not get hooked... Vidstudent: It's addictive? Jonatan: (nods) One of my neighbors got hooked. We had to call help when she tried to sell her left lung for a Yugoslavian history pack. >Besides, I'm sure the >Knight Sabers could use a doctor, eh?" Rebecca: That and a guy with a spatula to pick up Priss. >"True...and there are just so many things to do on the >electromechanical end of those hardsuits..." NeoVid [hardsuit]: Keep away from my electromechanical end, freak. >Gryphon was starting to warm to the idea. S.D.: Were his two brain cells rubbing together? "At last, a real budget. No more of this >nickel-and-dime five-digit shit...we're talking millions of bucks' >worth of gear here. The armor is probably foamed duranium, injection >cast. The circuit paths are probably molded Ranma X: --as Ben's brain is. >right in. I can't wait >to get a look inside of them. Wonder what temperature the casting >runs at?" > >"You're drooling, Ben... MMK: [Zoner]: More than usual. S.D.: Boy, that's hell on the apartment floor linoleum... Rebecca: Wouldn't be much of a problem if they were in a *trailer* like they're supposed to be... >Anyway, how about we take a shower >and head out into the world? Ok Priss?" Zoner asked. S.D.: I assume he's going to die for saying that. NeoVid: Hinting at Priss to take a shower with him? He's dead if she's IC. Jonatan: Won't happen until *after* the shower scene, though. S.D.: Figures... >"Oh boy, a shower. Wish I had time to wash my socks. Vidstudent: For the love of all that's holy, please do! Ranma X: And *then describe it* for us! >I feel like such a slob. Next time I'll pack extra clothes before jumping >dimensions." > >"Take it easy, there isn't much hot water," Priss warned. Jonatan [Priss]: Some red-headed girl wearing a Mao shirt took it all. >"That's ok, Zoner likes cold, builds character." Ranma X: Someone keep him outta there! We don't need his character more contrived than it already is! >"We could always conserve it by sharing," Zoner offered, NeoVid: Did he just *blatantly* ask Priss to join him in the shower? S.D.: Well... I thought he asked Gryph to join him... but that's just me. Rebecca: I know it's the former, but I wish it was the latter. S.D.: Heh heh. Yeah--AARGH! (S.D. holds her head, then glares at MMK.) MMK (^_^ing): Oh, come on! Are you still mad about that? >receiving a look cold enough to freeze dry from Priss. "Hey, it was a >joke. Really." NeoVid: That's what I always say. >"Like I said, Zoner likes cold, builds character." Vidstudent: Just like being hit over the head with a hammer. NeoVid: Or being dropped off the top of a building. Jonatan: Actually, that's just boring. And it ruins your day completely. >"Hey, I'm sorry, actually I like it real hot. I may be metal, >but I still have some flesh... Sometimes the lech sort of sneaks out >when I'm not watching." Tango: And on occasion, his spleen likes to head on out on magical voyages of self-discovery. >"Brian, you're a lech," Ben quoted Zoner's old roommate Paul. Vidstudent: Thank you for that vital information, story! We never would've learned this pearl of knowledge had you not said it! Tango: Hey! Hutchins used your real name, Zoner! Kill him! Kill him! >"Can we please just drop it? Besides, I wouldn't want to get >on Leon's bad side." > >"Leon has a good side?" > >"Hey, go easy on the guy; he's a cop, but he's NeoVid [Zoner]: ...going to be another of our victims soon. (S.D. thinks for a while and giggles.) >an all right sort of guy." > >"Last time I checked, those two things did not go together." Jonatan: Cue in Sudden Scene Change! > >"They're what?" > >"From another dimension." Tango: A world where Apes have superior intelligence and write fanfics! Jonatan [Mike]: A planet where monkeys evolved from men? >"Have you been drinking?" Tango [Priss]: Just for the last 35 hours straight! > >"Linna, I'm serious. If you let them talk for a while, they >can prove it." > >"Gryphon? Rocket Attack U.S.A., if you would be so kind?" > >"Ahem. Well, first of all..." MMK: With the magic of time-lapse photography, we're fast-forwarding to seventy- four hours and six hundred and ten words later... >"I suspected as much. Rebecca: So if you can prove everything you've said is true by discussing Rocket Attack USA, what would happen if you told them about Manos? Tango: It would be messy. > Have either of you read Dr. Eiji Kosawa's paper on the possibilities >inherent in transfictional interface?" inquired Sylia. NeoVid [Terry]: Well, no, Joe. That's because I'm not a nerd. Jonatan: The one published in Mad Scientist's Weekly? I think Belle had that issue... Rebecca: I think we're looking at Dysfunctional Interface right here and now. >"No," Zoner replied, "but then again, we're living it." > >"Good point." Jonatan: No, bad point. Shoddy craftsmanship, and the focus is off. I wouldn't pay ten bucks for it. Tango: Seven, that's my last bid. Jonatan: Oh, all right. You drive a hard bargain. [hands over seven bucks] Tango: Nice doing business with you. >Gryphon was walking down the street later that day, NeoVid: Hey! It skipped some of the agonizing detail! > feeling pretty good. Rebecca: One hand in his right pocket, shuffling vigorously... Tango: And the other hand wavin' a peace sign! > He had left Zoner back at Sylia's, discussing the ethics >and physics of transfictionality, Tango [Zoner]: ...No, I can't think of any, either. >and was walking toward the video >arcade that Linna had told him about, his clothes clean and with some >money in his pocket. Vidstudent: Looks like he managed to sell off his socks as antique relics. NeoVid: Or for biological warfare. > Life wasn't really all that bad. Dr. Stingray >had seemed impressed with his knowledge of electromechanics--the money >in his pocket was an advance on his technical support and assistance. MMK: I don't know... somehow, the idea of him selling off his socks as antiques- NeoVid: Or for biological warfare. MMK: --sounded more plausible. Vidstudent: Told you. >Having an actual medical doctor around was always a plus as well. S.D.: What the Knight Sabers really need are good podiatrists. (Rebecca nods in agreement.) >He went into the arcade and was surrounded by the familiar >atmosphere of one: sound effects and garish lighting, and in the >background he could hear the thudding bass of a techno song, >Information Society's "Can't Ranma X: --Play Real Music. >Slow Down", he recognized. A classic, Jonatan: When I think of the classics in music, I think of Mozart, Beethoven, Thaikovsky, and Information Society. NeoVid: You do? Jonatan: Actually, no. >by this time period. He smiled and went inside, looking around at the >games. Ranma X [Gryphon]: Yup, there's still Bust-A-Move. > He was looking for something a little more archaic than he was >used to back "home" in Worcester: NeoVid: A stick and two rocks. MMK: And the piece of string! NeoVid: Mustn't forget the piece of string! >an old-style video game, maybe even >an early goggles-and-gloves VR game like Gunslinger or Starfighter >2121. Vidstudent: After traveling through time and dimensions, the first thing you should always do is find out where to do your gaming. >It occurred to him then that there were no couch-and-jack games >here. Rebecca: Because as we all know, there's nothing Ben likes more than "couch and jack." >Most of them were old-style analog games, >and there were a lot of cockpit simulators. Tango: Hey, cool! Cockfights! S.D.: No, Tango, those are-- (Pause) Why am I bothering? Tango: You're quick! Quicker than chickens though? >He smiled to himself. Forty years in the >future from his Worcester, MegaTokyo was behind in some areas of >technology, MMK [Gryphon]: Bow to my superiority! BOW, SCUM! Rebecca: Because we all know what a center of technological progress Worchester is. >just starting the Chrome Revolution that had happened in >1965 "back home". Tango: The chrome revolution, where car detailing threw off its chains and seized control of the world! > Actual hardlink cyberjacks were rare, toys or tools >of the very rich and very dedicated Ranma X: Or just the very rich and very pretentious. Jonatan: Technology has three driving forces -- survival, military superiority, and making stupid toys for rich assholes to impress each other with. >--Dr. Stingray had one, but then, >he knew about her. > >Here, VR was common, but it was almost all G&G, with a couple >of 'trodes here and there. Rebecca: Along with jumper leads, clips and Mains voltage. [She grins] >Yet the cars were so much more advanced >than most of those back home, in common usage. Sure, his own car was >even with or better than most here, but that was a Ranma X.: ...contrivance, so it doesn't count. > special case. >The average sarariman here had a better car than most of the folks "back >home". It was weird. NeoVid: And long-winded! S.D.: What, the Japanese people have better cars than the American people do? *Madness*! > >After a few minutes of searching, he did in fact locate a Wing >Commander ][ machine. Rebecca: I guess that even in the future you can't avoid Mark Hamill. Tango [Hamill]: Dear god, hire me! > There was someone in one of its three pods >already, but that didn't matter; Ranma X [Gryphon]: I'll just triple the voltage and fry the loser before playing. >video gamers crashed each other's >games all the time, and Gryphon was willing to bet that the same >occurred here. Tango: Little did he know the rules of gamer etiquette in Tokyo. If you crash somebody's game, you have to disembowel yourself in the middle of the arcade, then people will take your organs and peddle them for pachinko balls. (MMK waves a banner with "SNK Forever" printed on it.) >He climbed into the third pod and closed it, then fed >the manual pay slot some coins and fitted the goggles to his head and >the gloves to his hands. Jonatan: Why not the other way around? >He settled into the seat and, curious to see >if it would work, dug his WC][ Tango: Wiigii! >saved game disk from back home out of >his coat pocket and slotted it. > >Not only did it fit, it worked. The computer pinged and >showed him his scores, rank, comparative ranking at this arcade (about >the same as back home), and his current configuration (gender, sexual >preference--so the machine would know whether or not to include the >minor-plot-point romance between the PC and Colonel Devereaux--age, >reflex scores, etc., etc.). NeoVid: So let me get this straight... a video game arcade from 40 years in the future has a game from the early 90's AND a compatible file format? Even I think this is getting pretty dumb. Rebecca: "Getting?" Jonatan: The magic of contrivances. S.D.: That's a huge slam on magic. >Then he watched the countdown flash, NeoVid [Gryphon]: Ew, could they put some pants on that countdown? >and then, with a burst of >static, he was in a briefing room, and Colonel Devereaux was >instructing him to Jonatan: --bend forward, hold on tight, and brace himself for impact. >launch immediately and proceed to Nav 1 in support >of First Lieutenant Romanova, who was in trouble with a squadron of >Drakhri medium fighters. Tango: I'll have a Drakhri and ice, please. > Gryphon saluted and ran to the launch deck, >and within moments, Major Benjamin D. "Gryphon" Hutchins of the Terran >Confederation Space Navy, service number 006-86-3510, was streaking >across space in a North American F-44G Tango: So he's a f4g? That makes sense to me. Ranma X: He should know better than to streak through space. It's kinda nippy there. NeoVid: He should leave it to professionals. Such as... (NeoVid, Jonatan and Ranma X stand up.) NeoVid, Jonatan, Ranma X: THE RADIOACTIVE STREAKER! (The Radioactive Streaker zooms through the theatre, generally disturbing everyone.) Mark [over intercom]: All right, you've made your point. You made your damn point *months* ago. Now sit down. (They sit.) >Rapier II medium starfighter. >He kept his thumb on the afterburner switch the whole way; Romanova >needed help, and that was all there was to it. Vidstudent: Purely altruistic reasons really. MMK: The "thank you" nookie comes later... Vidstudent: I'll pretend I didn't hear that... (MMK grins.) Vidstudent: ...after I do a little anger-management exercise. (Vidstudent cocks his Furstenberg, but MMK's seat is already empty except for an MMK-shaped dust cloud. Vidstudent nearly fires at the cloud anyway before noticing that it's not actually him.) >He was too busy playing the game to think about the >implications of the name. S.D.: Well, clearly he's stumbled on Anastasia, the last living descendant of Tsar Nicholas II... no, wait, wrong epic crossover involving BGC. >Within a few minutes, the fight was in view; Romanova's ship, >a light DeHavilland F-54C Epee, S.D.: Oh, more SI-boosting. Since rapier calls to mind a sword that *actually does damage*, while epee is just 'generic fencing weapon'... Jonatan: Ben's famous for his weapon technique, isn't he? MMK: That would be the 'short swords', yes? Jonatan: And his speed is *legendary*. >was badly damaged and not able to make >full speed, and the four Drakhri, one trailing sparks NeoVid [Kilrathi leader]: You fool! Stop following those sparks and get back to the battle! Tango [Drakhri pilot]: But they're shiny! > itself, were >pursuing and harassing the wounded fighter at long range. Rebecca [Drakhri]: Does this bother you? Eh? Eh? I'm not touching you! Ranma X [Epee]: Stop that, you bully! >Eventually, its engines would fail at that speed, and then the persistent >Kilrathi would have it for lunch. Rebecca: Canon character in trouble? Be it real or be it virtual or be it even imagined, fear not because MONKEY BOY is here to save them! Tango: Up next, the Monkey Boy/Mary Sue megacrossover epic with multiple variant covers! MMK: Monkey boy WILL make you *believe*. >Gryphon keyed his InterCom and announced, "Lieutenant >Romanova, this is Major Hutchins, vectoring to assist." > >"Glad to see you, sir," MMK [Gryphon]: Wow... no one's ever said that to me before. >a woman's voice, young, replied. The >screen showed static; apparently the Epee's comm systems were damaged. >"What's your handle? Mine's Sidehacker." Tango: Mine's Valintenez Alcalanella Siha Shushi La Boherez Gumbi Gomella Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andre Charton Himmel Valovinci Baldos George Dutzel Kaiser III. >"They call me Gryphon," Gryphon replied, kicking burners again >and diving down on the Kilrathi from the sun. Rebecca: ...there's no up or down in space... > "Hold tight--comin' >in." He opened up with his Rapier's full armament, lasers and >particle cannons, as he came down, raking one of the unsuspecting >Drakhri from nose to stern. MMK: Mah God! The Nose Rake! >The fighter heeled to starboard and >exploded as the other three, startled, scattered. Gryphon sent a >Pilum FF missile after one of them and then peeled off to engage >another, opening up his throttles all the way. NeoVid: Then the throttles' guts fell out. >He kept doggedly on this one's tail, NeoVid [Gryphon]: That tail isn't getting away this time... >firing when he could get a clear shot, and soon >knocked down its shields and began chewing into its engines. Then his >seat kicked him in the butt S.D.: Even inanimate objects hate him. >and the slot alarm howled; one of them had >gotten onto his tail and was doing the same thing to him he was doing >to the Drakhri in front of him. NeoVid: RAAAR! MANRAPE! >He kicked the burner and rolled to >confuse his adversary, getting in a burst at the one in front of him >as he passed it; his radar informed him that his target blew behind >him NeoVid: That's the wrong place to blow! >as he passed, but he was still getting hit by the bastard behind >him. > >He threw the Rapier II into an afterburner skid, the craft's >orientation changing Ranma X: It was now bi-curious. >as its direction remained constant for a moment, >and faced the Drakhri while moving away from it. This let him absorb >a couple of its hits with his Ranma X: --face. >intact forward shields, let the rear >shields build back up for a second, and--most importantly--get off MMK: Didn't you listen earlier? We *don't* want to see you getting off! >a few shots, and try for a missile lock. He didn't get it, but he S.D.: Was vapourized seconds later, so it didn't matter. >knocked a decent dent in the enemy's shields before blasting the >burners again and shooting past and below him. The Rapier rocked with >hits again, this time from the side. S.D.: And while Gryphon was busy showing off, Romanova's ship was blasted into bits. Some support he turned out to be. >Gryphon cursed; the other one had made him. Jonatan: Gryph's a Made Man now, too? Rebecca: Guess the Wrights took him in. Tango: The Wrights will take anyone. They took my dog last week. Now he's full of attitude, the bastard. >He threw the fighter into a neat spiral NeoVid: Whee, neat. >as the other >Drakhri's guns hammered at his flank, and then the fire ceased. Ranma X: Fortunately, someone set Gryphon on fire again right afterward. >He spun the Rapier to port to look; his tormentor was expanding into a >cloud of superheated gases as the Epee flew past, executing a victory >roll. Vidstudent: The roll was found guilty of killing a mocha jelly roll. MMK: The fool deserved capital punishment. (takes a bite from a jelly donut) >He keyed his InterCom again. > >"Nice shooting, Sidehacker," he called, pulling an Immelmann NeoVid [Gryphon]: OW! My Immelmann! >and hearing the missile under his wing pinging for a lock on the >approaching Drakhri. He opened up with his guns again as he let it >pass and pulled in behind it, and when the tone of lock came, he >released a missile. It powered forward, punched through the Drakhri's >weakened shields, and blew it to bits. S.D.: Behold Ben's moment of glory; shooting a sitting duck. Jonatan: A weakened and crippled sitting duck. Ranma X: With a targeting missile. Vidstudent: Our *hero*, folks. >The rest was history; they returned to the Concordia, were >debriefed, Jonatan: They ripped his underwear off. Tango: Then he was disarmed... >Gryphon got a bronze star and punched out of the game. As >he climbed out of the pod, NeoVid [exact David Attenborough]: We see the pod open, and the freshly hatched Gryphon emerges into the world... >he looked over at pod one to see just who >he had been flying with. > >She was a pretty girl, about his age, with long red hair, and >big green eyes, and he could swear he'd seen her before. Jonatan: I'd say an online Toshiki Yui gallery. >She was >wearing an ADPolice uniform, the office-duty kind with the knee-length >skirt and the high white boots. Ranma X: High level of professionalism there, playing arcade games during working hours. Jonatan: Then you should see what AMP does on duty. Rebecca: No, we shouldn't. >She turned to look at him, smiled, and walked over. MMK: And, to check if he was a Buma, punched him in the face. >"Thanks for the save," she said, "you came along just in time. >I'm Nene. Nene Romanova. Do you have a name?" Tango [Gryphon, British]: Call me Phon. Gryphon. >Gryphon grinned. I knew she looked familiar. "Yes, as a >matter of fact I do. My name is Hutchins, Benjamin D. Hutchins, but >I'd like it very much if you were to call me Gryphon." NeoVid [Gryphon]: "Sugar daddy" or "master" would also be okay. >"Gryphon?" She laughed, and it was a pretty laugh. Ranma X: At least, it was if you like the sound of kittens being chainsawed. >"Do you love the game that much?" Jonatan: The preceding portion was brought to you by the National Basketball Association. >"Hmm? Oh, no. It goes much further than that. Sometime when >we have a couple of hours free I'll start at the beginning." MMK: Better make that more than a couple of hours... you don't know him like we do. >"Do I know you?" S.D.: No, so run while you still can! >"No, not yet. Give it time, I've only just gotten to town >last night. Your friend Priss was kind enough to put my associate and >I up for the night." > >Nene's eyes widened. "Priss? Kind? I thought I'd never live >to see the day." S.D.: Incidentally, isn't it one of the original-version Knight Sabers' rules that they aren't supposed to acknowledge the fact that they know the other Sabers in civilian life? Rebecca: Yeah, but Hutchins is conveniently ignoring the fact that Priss is the only one who rampantly breaks every rule around total strangers. S.D.: Fair enough. >"Well, we sort of saved her life," Gryphon was saying as they >walked outside. "We kind of ran into her on the highway--well, not >actually...ran into her...shit, that'd be a big practical joke-- Ranma X: No, it'd be a gristly traffic accident. Vidstudent: I don't want to know what these people consider a joke. Tango: The nitro-filled whoopee cushion. >and there was a wandering Buma...so I kind of blew it up." > >"Blew it up?" > >"Yeah. You know, with a missile. Boom!" He laughed. "They >make pretty explosions." Rebecca: Nene, this is your cue for taking a big step back and calmly try to sidle out the door. >"You had a missile launcher with you on the highway?" Nene >inquired. "That's illegal, you know." > >"Oh, come on. NeoVid [Gryphon]: I'm the SI, so I'm untouchable. >You aren't going to arrest me, are you? We've >only just met." Jonatan: Next time I get arrested, I'll try that line. I bet the police really would accept that. Oh wait, *no* they won't. (mock surprise) >"No, I guess not--since you saved Priss and all." She smiled. > >Gryphon had the sudden feeling he was going to die, but it passed. Ranma X: Darn. Tango: It was just that uncooked microwave burrito he ate. NeoVid: And then, unexpectedly, he died anyway! Mwa ha! >"Where did you come by this missile launcher?" > >"Well, it's part of my car, you see," he said, and told her >the whole story--up to but not including his knowledge of her >out-of-work activities. S.D.: Forty hours and eighty pages of fanfiction later... >Needless to say, she didn't believe him. Rebecca [Nene]: You... and Cammy... suuuure! (giggles) Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Hey! >"Whyever not?" he asked, wounded-sounding. "Priss believed >it. Ms. Yamazaki believed it. Hell, even Dr. Stingray believed it. MMK [Gryphon]: They also believed me when I said I knew Santa Claus, but that's besides the point... >She and MegaZone are probably swapping theories on transfictionality >right now." > >"Oh, come on," Nene said, reproachful. "You expect me to >believe that Sylia actually believed that fairy Tango: --called Gryphon? > tale?" She seemed to realize then just what the list of names he had given her meant. S.D. [Nene]: Aw, shit. Jonatan [Gryphon]: Yep! Now, bend over! >They were standing in front of Sylia's building. > >"You...you know," she whispered, backing away. Jonatan [Gryphon]: Yes. Girls have special bras that make their breasts look bigger. Rebecca [Nene]: Oh no, the secret's out! >"Nene Romanova," Gryphon said, bowing low and presenting his >card, "I present myself, S.D. [Nene]: Can't I have money instead? >Dr. Benjamin D. Hutchins, M.D., Esquire, >General Physician, Surgeon, Cybertechnician, Hardsuit Designer, >Shaolin Priest, Terror that Hunts in the Night, and Gweep at Large." MMK: As you might expect, his business card is printed on regular-sized sheets of paper. >"Gweep?" Ranma X: Wasn't he in the Super Friends? >"Gweep, hacker, cracker, keyboard cowboy, cyberjock, >programmer, wizard, netgod. NeoVid: AKA dork, weenie, feeb, bozo, loser. >Or, in your case, goddess. Computer >operator with an anarchist streak. One who runs the 'Net without >doing the suicidal braindance thing." > >"Anarchist? Me?" Tango: I know when *I* think "anarchists", I think "police"! >"Don't lie," Gryphon said with a knowing grin. "Gweeps can >always tell their own kind. Go on, tell me you didn't feel a kinship >when you saw me." > >"Well..." Rebecca [Nene]: Does nausea count? >"Aha! See? We're of a blood, you and I. A rare and dying >breed in this the age of regulation, crackdowns, and jackheads. Is >Stallman still alive?" > >"No...NetWatch got him last March." MMK: Sad is the day when a hacker can be killed by his own anti-virus software. Vidstudent: That's not what NetWatch is and you know it. >"Damn! There goes the last of the Great Old Ones." NeoVid [Gryphon]: It was a sad day... Cthulhu was the greatest hacker I'd ever met... >"Tell me about it. Still, his son's still out there, and so >is Bob Morris IV--he crashed the entire Orbitsville 'net last month >with some kind of tapeworm. NetWatch is still trying to sort it out. NeoVid [netwatch]: Come on, men! After figuring out Hutchins' writing, this should be easy! >They never will, though--all of 'em together don't have an eighth of >his brains. The guy is just incredible. And the Android's still out >there--I don't think they'll ever get him." She realized she had been >rambling, and blushed slightly. "Sorry." > >"No, Jonatan [Gryphon]: ...it's okay. I do that a lot myself. > thank you. I've been away for a long time. I needed to >get back in touch. Sometime, you'll have to show me the 'Net--I'd be >willing to bet it's changed a lot since I went away." He smiled. NeoVid [Nene]: Nope. Still full of banner ads, pop-up banners, and porn. Jonatan [Gryphon]: Sweet! MMK [Jake]: What? There's porn on the *internet*? >"I'm glad 'Droid's still out there. I'll have to get in touch with >him, see if he remembers me." > >"You know Android?! Android at WPI?" Vidstudent: They're in an alternate universe where technology's taken a vastly different turn, and they're decades into the future, but *their friends* are still around? Jonatan: When continuity won't do that Ben wants it to, he sticks his fingers in his ears and goes 'la la la'. >"Oh yeah. We go 'way back." > >"How far back?" > >"1991." > >"You don't look even remotely Ranma X [Nene]: --human. >that old..." > >"It's a kind of magic." MMK [Gryphon]: Watch, now, as I pull some bullshit out of a hat! >"I see." S.D.: We call it "Plot Contrivance." >"Hey," Zoner said as Gryphon and Nene entered the living room >of Sylia's apartment, "looks like the gang's all here, eh?" MMK: Sylia's Apartment. Featuring the adventurous hijinks of four hardsuited mercenaries and their two self-contrived godboys. Vidstudent: Coming to FOX this fall. Ranma X: Predicted to be canceled after three and a half episode. >"Yeah," Gryphon said, sitting down at the end of the couch. > >"That arcade has the coolest Wing Commander ][ game...you gotta try it >out." > >"Any jack games?" > >"No... Jonatan [Gryphon]: You keep forgetting that You Don't Know Jack isn't actually *in* arcades. >this timeframe hasn't gotten there yet. I'd say the >cybertech here is roughly like it was in the Sixties, back home." Tango [Gryphon]: Why is everyone staring at me like I'm a freak from another dimension? ...oh. > >"No kidding? Yet the cars and the robotics are way advanced. >I could make a killing with cybertech breakthroughs here. hehe." Jonatan: Cybernetic killings? That's what we have RABIDs for, silly. >"I know. Funky, isn't it?" > >"Just so I don't feel so alone," Priss said then, "who here >feels that this is a completely surreal day?" > >Everyone raised a hand, Gryphon and Zoner included. MMK: Okay, who here wants milk and cookies? (Everyone raise their hands.) Mark [over intercom]: Fine. (Trays of milk and cookies fall on the riffers' laps.) (Unfortunately, gravity make quite a mess of things.) Mark [over intercom]: Oops. My bad. Rebecca: (taking a piece of chocolate chip out of her hair) Yuck! Tango: (putting a piece of cookie in his mouth) Needs more butter. >"Good. I don't feel quite as bad now." > >"Hm." Gryphon looked outside, watched the sun sink behind the >buildings to the west. "It's almost nighttime on Friday in >MegaTokyo...what to do...what to do..." Tango: Drinkin'! NeoVid: MANRAPE! Vidstudent: Quiet! > >"Well, I don't know about you," Zoner replied, "but I'm going >to go get some clothes." > >"Good idea. Got any idea where there's a decent mall around >here? NeoVid: Well, there's the indecent mall where all the stuff is made of leather straps... >I can take three passengers, if the two in the back are small >and friendly." NeoVid [Zoner]: I'm not friendly! MMK [Gryphon]: I'm not small! Tango [Nene]: I'm not Rappaport! >"All right, I'm coming out. Tell me what you think." Jonatan: This story sucks, my butt hurts from these chairs, Konnai is a hottie, and you should be fined $100 for littering on the internet. >Gryphon opened up the fitting room and emerged, clad from head to toe in >black. Jungle mosh boots with black canvas sides covered his feet; >black ripstop fatigue pants were secured about his waist with a black >web belt. NeoVid [Gryphon]: This indecent mall is great! >His black T-shirt was one of two articles of his clothing >that had any color to it at all; it was emblazoned with a neon green >and orange general arrangement diagram of a K-12 Armored Trooper. Ranma X: So he... *wasn't wearing all black*. MMK: We went over this back in Warrior's Legacy. > The other item of color on his person was his hat; although black, it had >a silver Batman logo on the front. Vidstudent: Even in Megatokyo, Time-Warner-AOL lives? MMK: Well, Batman's Forever. (He ^_^s.) Ranma X: Please don't remind me of Val Kilmer. >Final coverage was provided by a >black flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Jonatan: Fashion emergency! Call 911! And someone get this man some slacks! NeoVid: Gryphon doesn't deserve Slack. >"Gryphon, you're a Goth," MegaZone remarked. > >"Et tu, Brutus?" Gryphon replied, Ranma X: ...before Zoner knifed him dead. > glancing pointedly at the >shopping bag in Zoner's hand, which contained fifteen identical black >T-shirts and five identical pairs of black jeans. MMK [Zoner]: Now it won't matter if I get my shirt and my pants mixed up again! > >"At least my shoes have color." > >"Well, I haven't bought the red Converse yet. Besides, is >this black thing really a shock to you? I mean c'mon. I've been >wearing black for years. Even my costume is black." Jonatan [Gryphon]: ...it's a clown costume. NeoVid [Zoner]: I cry on BOTH the outside and the inside! >A FEW WEEKS LATER > >Sylia wandered Ranma X: ...on a pilgrimage in order to find the cause of Gryphon. >down to the basement office Zoner had >established for himself. Rebecca: He's still living in his parent's basement, I see. > She had offered him a place on the top Jonatan: Funny, I thought Sylia preferred to be on top. >floor, but he mumbled something about photons MMK [Zoner]: ...fuckin' Lord Papacha, I swear, one day I'll... >and asked for the basement. NeoVid: After all, the basement has the pool table. Vidstudent: But the second floor has a jacuzzi. NeoVid: The basement has a small fridge. Vidstudent: Sold! > She had simply given him the space he asked for and the >network connections and let him at it. Rebecca [Nature show host]: Here we see that she's releasing the Zoner into its natural habitat. Tango: LAN Party! LAN Party! >He was rarely seen by anyone Ranma X: There were sounds of desperate pounding on the heavy locked door, but everyone assumed it'd go away after a while. S.D.: And it did. >else, simply sending out the latest schematics and mechanicals to the >SCAD/M system. He seemed a virtual hermit, working odd hours and >avoiding everyone else. MMK: One question... S.D.: What? MMK: Was the basement equipped with a bathroom? (Some of the others wince at the image.) MMK: Hey, it was a perfectly legitimate question! >The office was his private haven. NeoVid: The proof was all the posters of donkey sodomy on the walls. >Well, she had to admit he had contributed a great deal to >refining the hardsuit control systems. Jonatan [Katmandu]: The controls are simple. Left goes right, and right goes left. > Though he was still trying to >convince the team to get rigger implants. Rebecca: That's a typo. He was actually trying to convince the girls to get "bigger implants". > She had vetoed that idea. >She didn't really feel comfortable with the idea of cyberware. Jonatan: Could have something to do with the risk of increased desensitisation from the feeling of separating oneself from humanity, eventually resulting in heavy psychosis that will leave mental scars that no amount of costly therapy can heal. Others: ... Jonatan: I dunno. I'm no expert. >The office was easy to find, MegaZone had rigged up a >blacklight and painted the door hideous Tango: He put his self-portrait on the door! >Day-Glo(tm) shades, but in a >rather intriguing geometric pattern. S.D. [kid]: Hey, neat, a schooner! Tango [Wendell]: Ha! It's a sailboat! Ranma X: Oh god, are we in for another 50 page description of how cool some location and/or item is? >A large Sacred Chao in blue and yellow dominated the center of the door. Jonatan: Unfortunately, you can only have one Sacred Chao at a time in the Game Boy Advance version. >A plaque next to the door read Tango: "Here Be Draggones". > "MegaZone: Cybernetics and Control Systems Design", underneath a >small note read "Things to make us go." S.D.: Then why are they still there? >She was about to knock when >the door opened and Zoner's voice said, "Welcome to my inner sanctum. Jonatan: "...said the Zoner to the bi." Ranma X: Bi? >Please enter." Sylia shrugged and did just that. Vidstudent: She just shrugged? >The office was a combination of fastidiously neat areas and >wild zones. Rebecca: Here we see Zoner in his native environment. Tango: It reminds me of home. (sniffles) > Along one wall a comfortable looking couch hid in the >shadows of a towering case of books and data cartridges. Tango: Cartridges? Cartridges? Who uses cartridges in the future? Who uses them today? Rebecca: Maybe Nintendo owns the future. S.D.: Or they double as lethal projectile weapons. Rebecca: Maybe that's *how* Nintendo owns the future. S.D.: Ooh. >A slightly frightening compilation of tubing and machine parts lurked in the >corner, Vidstudent: So *that's* where Robocop went to... > the room lights were off, a bank of monitors provided the >eerie glow which cast the room Ranma X: --off a cliff. >into stark shadow, and behind a desk >across from the monitors Zoner slouched in a large recliner. MMK: ...just sitting there, watching the game, drinking some bud. Jonatan: Hey, MMK! MMK: Yo! Jonatan: Waazzzzup! MMK: Waazzzzup! Tango: Hey, Jon! Jonatan: What? Tango: Waazzzzup! Jonatan: Waazzzzup! Mark [over intercom]: Wazzzzup! (NeoVid waggles his tongue out.) Rebecca, S.D. [simultaneous]: ...boys. >"You wanted to see me?" Sylia asked. > >"Yes," NeoVid [Zoner]: In the nude. Now. >his eyes looked at her, but his voice didn't come from >his body, but seemingly from Jonatan: ...behind a green curtain! > the room itself. A nice surround system >she assumed. "I wanted to ask you a few questions MMK [Zoner]: Where were you on the night of the 14th? Jonatan [Zoner]: Who put the septic tank beside my bed?! S.D. [Zoner]: How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Vidstudent [Zoner]: What's your sign? NeoVid [Zoner]: Do you enjoy... you know? Say no more? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, saynomore? (grins lewdly and elbows Rebecca) Rebecca: Stop that. >on a project of mine. Oh, but I'm being rude. Just a moment." Rebecca: Why break the habit of a lifetime? > The room lights >flickered to life and several of the monitors deactivated. Ranma X [monitor]: Sweet, merciful death... NeoVid [other monitor]: He can turn us back on any time, you know. Ranma X [monitor]: NOOO! Why, God, why... >He reached up and removed the interface cables from behind his ears. S.D. [Zoner]: Okay, now I can hear you. >"There," this time the voice was his own, "this is probably more comfortable >for you." Tango [Zoner]: Or maybe you'd like me to speak like Zsa Zsa Gabor? > A smile played about his lips. Tango: Until its mother told it to come in before it caught something. >Sylia shuddered inwardly, Jonatan [Sylia]: Wait, nobody else ever comes in here. He does all that so that he can impress *himself*? >she couldn't imagine someone being >so comfortable with their mind hooked up to a machine. Rebecca: It's the first stage of cyberpsychosis! Shoot him now before he thinks to get subdermal armor! Jonatan: Little did Sylia know he had her fooled with ventriloquism. He was still trying to figure out how to make the computer write "Hello World". > "What project?" S.D. [Zoner]: Have you heard the rumors of the Blair Witch? >"Well, I've been feeling like I'm not holding up my end of the >bargain. I haven't been contributing directly to the Sabers. I want >to start working on the field ops. Rebecca [Sylia]: Sure! Let's get you fitted for high heels. Vidstudent [Zoner]: That'd be gr--hey! > I've been able to rework the suits' control systems to give a faster >response and a finer motor control. As best as I can do without >rigging the operator..." Zoner >glanced at Sylia questioningly. NeoVid [Zoner]: If you know what I mean. Rebecca: Here we enter the "God-boy has kewl stuff better than the canon characters" phase of the Self-Insertion. Tango: But does he have Progressive Grenades? MMK: Better! He has Enlightened Grenades! Ranma X: Come on, no Grenades of Omnipotence? >Her frown was all the answer he needed. > >"... but anyway, other than some of the basic research and >net-running I've been doing for the team, I decided to work on a suit >for myself. Rebecca: Uh, Tango? Didn't we go over this a while back with the god boy application form? Tango: Hang on a second -- (bashes himself on the side of the head) -- yes, we did. Rebecca: It wasn't exactly the same, was it? Tango: Of course not. Rebecca: That's a relief. Tango: It was Gryphon, not Zoner. Rebecca: ... >Now that I'm just about done I'd like to get some >feedback from you. NeoVid [Zoner]: Right. That's all. Feedback. > You have much more experience than I. Rebecca: Well, I wouldn't be surprised. NeoVid [Zoner]: All the experience I got, I had to write myself. Jonatan: How can dialogue be this... suggestive? Vidstudent: Haven't we done this riff already? >Care to take a look?" MMK: Look out! He's about to get phat l33t again! >"Certainly, I'm interested in seeing what you have done." S.D. [Sylia]: I need a good laugh. >"Great, just a sec." He reached for an interface cable but >decided to use the boards instead. Rebecca: So he did a cross-newsgroup monster-spam, subject: "CHECK OUT MY L337 MAD HARDSOOT SKILLZ". >He called up an image of the armor >on the largest monitor. It seemed very fuzzy. Tango: Looks like he made a suit in the shape of a Care Bear. MMK: Focus! Focus! > "Oh, here, put these >on." Zoner handed Sylia NeoVid: --an invisible bra. >a set of goggles. With the goggles in place >the image became a three dimensional view of the armor. Jonatan: I get a horrible picture of Sylia wearing a pair of papery glasses with red and green plastic lenses. >Sylia looked at him questioningly, "What about you?" > >"I've encoded a signal on the monitor and I wrote some MMK [Zoner]: --fanfiction, featuring me, you, me, Fury, the other Knight Sabers, me, Sho's mother, the Dirty Pair, me, and... me. But not Ben. >software for my eyes. I don't need the goggles. Tango [Zoner]: ZE GOGGLES DO NOTHING! >I do most of my work in cyberspace anyway, so I don't rely on this system. >That's why I didn't waste any money on a holotank. Tango: So what are you going to keep your holos in now? > Anyway, I started with the >basic hardsuit design. From there I pared it down to its present >form. S.D. [Sylia]: A furry duck? Tango [Zoner]: It's a platypus, damnit! >The basic suit provides protection Rebecca: And is ribbed for her pleasure. >and strength boosts to the >operator. In my case my internal cybernetics already give me a decent >strength and reflex increase, Rebecca: Munchkin. >and I didn't want to interfere with >that. But I can't go into combat without some armor, that'd be >stupid. Vidstudent: So how does that keep him from doing it? >It's not even an option. Tango: Stupidity is always an option! >So I started with a basic BallisTech NeoVid: Yay! ...Oh, wait, he didn't say BattleTech. Damn. Jonatan: Hell, for a second I thought that said BallsTech. >shell, same as the conventional suits. But since I don't >need the increased strength MMK [Zoner]: Me need increase brain! >I dropped the flat motor technology and >used a full myomer articulation. Rebecca: Munchkin. >To do that with a conventional suit >would require a large powerplant, but since I didn't need the strength >I used just Tango: A hamster on a hamster wheel. It's the basis of all super technology! > enough myomer to articulate the armor without interfering >with my movements." > >"It should be like you're not even wearing it." Ranma X: Ewwww... Zoner naked. >"Exactly, so it shouldn't interfere with my reflex boosting >either. MMK: So far, Zoner hasn't let anything interfere with his boosting. Rebecca: Munchkin. >I've fitted a full suit sensory system so I can rig the armor >and maintain a full situational awareness. The space made available Ranma X [Zoner]: ...by taking out my brain... >by removal of the large motor systems, and the actual power surplus >I've realized, goes into weapons systems. Jonatan: So the SI's going to be kicking a lot of ass. I'm shocked. >High-intensity pulse laser >generators are installed in a helix around the forearms. NeoVid [Zoner]: That doesn't actually do anything, I just like helixes. >They feed small focal arrays on the fingertips via fiberoptics. Rebecca: Munchkin. NeoVid: so now he shoots lasers from his fingers. He's become a Gobot! >I can control >the pulse through the 'trodes, aiming is as simple as pointing. Tango [Zoner]: And then clicking. >I've installed a set of monomolecular edged claws in the backs of each arm. Tango: But are they as good as the Near Monomolecular Sword? NeoVid: Variable Mass Sword has that beat. Rebecca: Munch-- ah, screw it. >When I'm rigged my internal wolvers are cut out and the standard >reflex is redirected to the suit." > >"You've done a lot of development work. It appears to be a >basic exo-skeleton based on your physiognomy. So, you can use the >same fighting style in or out of the suit?" Rebecca: ...In other words, he's a player character in the BGC RPG. Tango: Type two, cyborg munchkin. >"Yes, that was one of my requirements. I've been fairly >successful thus far. I wanted to build on my past successes, MMK [Zoner]: But since I couldn't think of any, I had to do this. >not start from scratch. An evolutionary revolution in hardsuit design." Rebecca [Invid Regis]: You have proven yourself worthy to evolve into the next form. I give you... the Eyrie Monkey Boy. >He shot a glance at her. > >She didn't smile. S.D. [Sylia, sotto voce]: Just think of the paycheck. Just think of the big, fat paycheck. MMK [Zoner]: Laugh, dammit! Dance for me, my metafictive puppet! S.D. [Sylia, sotto voce]: When the inevitable sex hits, just imagine that he's Nene... >"Well, what do you think?" Ranma X [Sylia]: ...did you paint ships as a kid? NeoVid [Sylia]: You've had a lot of head injuries, haven't you? S.D. [Sylia]: Nice work. Who's the sucker you've got paying for this money pit, anyhow? MMK [Zoner]: Uh... >"What do these power level indications mean?" NeoVid [Zoner]: They spike when I use my Incredible Chi Powerz. Ranma X [sarcastically]: it's ch1 p0w3rz d00d! >"Hmm... oh, I haven't fully documented everything yet... Tango [Zoner]: Nor have I figured out a way to get into it. MMK: I guess that's an... UNDOCUMENTED FEATURE! > I also have add-ons for a harsher environment." Tango: Like Sealab 2021. Rebecca: Nothing's ready for an environment that harsh. Tango: I am. Rebecca: Mailbox head. > Zoner quickly called up >a secondary window. "A backpack flight and missile system. Jonatan [Zoner]: Plus, there're foldaway crutches in the legs. > The flight aspects are based on your hardsuit, but without as much >endurance. S.D.: There's a failing in his hardsuit? Amazing! > I sacrificed some of the propellant storage and heat sinks >to add this." Tango: A frost-free fridge! (There is a small "ding" in the background.) > He zoomed in on the window. "An anti-armor missile >system. It carries four missiles in a 'clip' or sorts and one in the >tube. Rebecca: Now is this a hardsuit or a Cobra vehicle? It's got enough weapons for the latter. > When activated the tube swings into position over my right >shoulder. MMK [Zoner]: Now, if I could get it to stop pointing at the side of my head, I'd be in business. >The missiles acquire their initial lock via laser >designation with the low-level output from the arm lasers. They also >have a rudimentary Tango [Zoner]: ...understanding of 16th-century french art. >image recognition system which gives them a chance >to home on the target if the designation is lost. After firing the >tube swings back into Jonatan [Zoner]: ...my crotch. It hurts. A lot. >position and another round is shoved home. Jonatan [Zoner]: It hurts. *A lot*. >Total time from firing to launch ready, point-eight-seven seconds. >Not too bad. And it packs quite a punch." Ranma X: Remind me how he's going to pay for all this? Rebecca: He took "Anti-social geek", "addicted to happy herbs", "Daylight intolerant" and "DNPC: Car" to give him extra building points to buy his powers with. >Sylia took over at the console, nudging Zoner out of the way. MMK [Zoner]: AAAAH! (Falls out of his seat) Ow. >She seemed very intently absorbed in the data. Jonatan: She was promptly turned into bits and bytes and sucked into the screen. >Zoner just stood back and grinned. NeoVid [Zoner]: Duh, pretty lights. >Sylia used the touch-screen to scan through the menus, >almost faster than Zoner could keep up. "So, this gives a strength >boost factor of one-point-one-four, Tango: But it takes up fourteen critical slots. > protection comparable to a >standard Stingray hardsuit, the lasers give a punch point-eight-seven >times as effective as Priss' railgun, but with a sustainable rate of >fire. Rebecca: They use only renewable, environmentally-sensitive power sources. Tango: Who wants sustainability! I want damage! > Good use of space," NeoVid: That and the colours makes the room seem bigger than it actually is. > she gestured to the, apparently hovering, >image, "the extra heat sinks should keep the suit at 69% Jonatan: I'm sure he only put that number in subconsciously. All: Sure. >of the standard operating temperature. The sensor web should work ok, but I >recommend installing Vidstudent: Eyeholes? S.D.: A CD player? Tango: A three-in-one juicer? >a standard helmet imaging system as a backup. >What about force sensors?" Rebecca: Force sensors? Is he going to go hunting for Jedis or something? >Zoner was startled out of his reverie NeoVid [Zoner]: Huh? >and turned back to the image. > >"Force sensors? Oh.. yeah... I was thinking of using a >standard undergarment with sensor weave. Tango: So he can get FM radio... in his pants! NeoVid [Zoner]: I've got the whole world in my pants! > Solely as a backup mind you, >I'm working on interface software so all my motor control signals >drive my body and the suit Vidstudent: And Miss Daisy. > directly. It's a bit of a project, but it >should give me a point-zero-zero-three second delay. Far better than >the normal suits. But then, I'm rigging." Tango [Hornblower]: To the rigging! Trim the sails! >"Ok. Are you using standard telemetry units to link with the >team?" Jonatan [Zoner]: No, I was thinking of using this rusty chain... >"I'm using the standard protocols, but I decided to test a new >design. MMK [Sylia]: Um... two cans and a string? NeoVid [Zoner]: Hey, it works! >It's a bit more compact and draws less power than the old >design. Rebecca: Less fat, more taste! > And it should have a higher reliability, if it works the way >I think it will. Consider it a test installation, if it works ok in >my suit it'll go into the other suits when we do SLEP." Tango: He's testing in his sleep? NeoVid: No, that's short for Sad, Lame and Extremely Pathetic. >"I'm not sure I like the idea of testing a system in combat, >but it is your life on the line." Rebecca: Harsh. NeoVid [Lu-Tze]: I know how to survive having my head cut off. MMK: Why don't you use it? NeoVid [Lu-Tze]: I don't want to practice first. > She continued to scan the suit's >data for several minutes. "What is this?" Tango: That's a bit of grit on the screen. But, Zoner has made it the BEST GRIT EVER! >"Oh, my pride and joy. A nanotechnological suit maintenance >system. I've based the designs on the nanohealers I have in myself. >Like I said, the suit is based on me." MMK [Zoner]: I want everyone to be able to drink in the glory that is me. >"Is this transferable to the standard hardsuit?" Ranma X: Only if you buy out their contracts. Jonatan [simultaneously]: Only if you don't use protection. (Ranma X glares.) >"Theoretically, but it would take some reprogramming and >retooling. I engineered these to work with NeoVid [Hiroshi]: --me, Daisuke! >the myomer systems and >sensor web in this suit. I would have to redo the design to work with >the traces and armatures in the conventional suits. I've done some >preliminary studies, Rebecca: He found that 75% of Knight Sabers polled found him to be obnoxious. Linna asked if he was rich and single. > but I want to work the kinks out in this system >first. I would hate to debug a few thousand of the critters. Tango: He should use my special debug tool. NeoVid: Which is? Tango: My mighty inflatable sledgehammer of justice! (Tango runs around the theatre, swiping at imaginary nanites with a huge rubber hammer.) Rebecca: Don't worry, he'll be fine soon. NeoVid: He's not fine now? > Be neat if they went nuts and started weaving myomer all over the place. >Nanospiders, weee...." Again he shot her a look. Tango [Lokar]: Get these damned arachnids off me! >Again she didn't smile. Jonatan: I just don't think you're impressing her, monkeyboy. >Sigh. "So, how about it?" > >"How about what?" NeoVid [Sylia]: You know... IT. MMK [Zoner]: OH! >"Well, I wanted to get your approval before I diverted the >materials and machine time to produce the LightSaber, (All smack their foreheads.) S.D.: I sense much fanboyism in this one. >as I call it.. It is your call after all." Rebecca: Now there's a rarity. Very few people actually ask before wasting Sylia's time and money on their ubersuits. >"Oh, very well. Go ahead with production. I'll authorize two >sets of components, one for use and one for Vidstudent [Sylia]: --the freakshow. >spares. Will you need anything else?" NeoVid [Zoner]: You naked in my bed with a can of whipped cream and a hamster. >"I was hoping to have Nene look over my code a bit. Tango: I wrote it in crayon. Jonatan: "Look over my code"? MMK: You know, kinda like some artists invite models up to their apartments to "see their etchings"? Jonatan: Loud and clear. > I know what to do, but she has better technique. Rebecca: Ifyouknowhatimean. > I'm sure she could tighten up my NeoVid: D'oh. Too easy. >code." (All cough.) MMK [Zoner]: Here, everyone! Have a MILLION straight lines! >"Very well, I'll let you know when she is free from her other >duties. Will that be all?" Vidstudent: Could you get me a drink while you're up? Tango: Oooh, and some tiny pies as well! >"Yes, thank you." > >"My pleasure." > >Zoner approached the aforementioned pile of tubing and parts. >"Would you like some espresso or cappuccino?" MMK [Dark Helmet]: ...YES! I ALWAYS drink coffee when I look at the radar! >"That is an espresso machine?" Rebecca: Actually, it's an interocitor with an expresso machine attachment. >"Yes, I built it as sort of a meditation exercise. Like >kitbashing. Tango: He built it out of Mortal Kombat Sonya with Ninja Scarlet's head. > But it works, and makes a damn fine brew. Did you want >some?" > >"No thank you. Have a good day." She strode purposefully out >of the office. Ranma X: And the SI fails in his flirting attempt! Vidstudent: And there was much rejoicing. All: Yay! >"Geez, I think it cooled off twenty degrees while she was >here. > > I've got to loosen her up," Zoner commented to the empty >office. Ranma X [Zoner]: If you know what I mean, heh heh heh. Rebecca: Try using a crowbar. >ONE MONTH LATER Ranma X [Zoner]: This marriage is stifling me! >Gryphon was down in the lab he had staked out as his, Rebecca: He'd even gone around marking his territory. >behind Dr. Raven's bike shop, MMK [Raven]: What about me? WHAT ABOUT DR. RAVEN? >tinkering around with some hardsuit parts. Vidstudent: Specifically, he was making a better capuccino machine than Zoner's. >Zoner had taken the day off and gone to the carnival that had blown >into town a few days ago; Rebecca: They have travelling carnivals in 2030's Japan? Tango: Yes, but they've replaced all the Carney Folk with defective boomers. The corndogs are made out of Soylent Green, but they still taste the same. > Nene and Linna had gone with him. Priss was >rehearsing with her band. Ranma X: Something she had never done before. >Sylia and Mackie were off doing something >mundane, shopping or something along those lines. Tango: Shopping is for the weak! From now on, we only eat what we kill ourselves! Jonatan: That which does not kill us... make us stranger. > He was all alone. [Tango passes MMK an acoustic guitar, which he begins playing softly.] MMK [singing]: He was all by himself. No one was lookiiiiiiiiiiiiiing-- Vidstudent: Stop right there. >That didn't bother him; Rebecca: It let him have that special, private time with his car. > he usually came up with better ideas alone. Ranma X: Though we cannot repeat said ideas, as they would inevitably cause shock, fury, and disdain for the human race. >He pushed a railgun capacitor idly round with a wrench, then Ranma X: --tried shaking some jars of nitro to see what'd happen. >turned to the SCAD terminal he was working at and punched in a couple of >figures. Rebecca [Gryphon]: Take that, Manga Spawn! > He grinned. He had been right; Rebecca: The driver did shoot JFK. S.D.: That's not what I heard... > the hardsuits' external >plating was indeed foamed duranium, and was made by a process of >injection casting at around 1,750 degrees F. Jonatan [dripping sarcasm]: How truly fascinating. >Efficient, but not the strongest material available. Tango: For that, he needs the unholy power of SPAM! NeoVid: PLUS the unholy power of Mentos! > Gryphon had an idea for a forged-alloy system that would make the >suits almost 45% more resistant to damage. NeoVid: An umbrella? Jonatan: A lead-lined umbrella. >All he had to do was find some depleted dalekenium someplace... Rebecca: Right, just drag Dr. Who into this whole mess while you're at it, why don't you? MMK [Dr. Andonuts]: This material can only be found in a meteorite... >The door to the lab hissed Tango: Doors can sense munchkinism, you know. >open and Zoner walked in, Vidstudent [Zoner]: Hi, everybody! All: Hi, Dr. Prick! >looking--of all things--happy. "Yo, Gryph, whasup? You gotta check >out that carnival, man, it's the greatest. It's even got decent >rides." MMK [Zoner]: Man, that teacup ride... it's the greatest thing ever... it just blew me away... NeoVid [Gryphon]: You're back on the whacky weed, aren't you? >"Hm?" Gryphon asked, looking up. "Oh. Mm...I >dunno...carnivals aren't really my thing, you know?" Ranma X: Nor is human interaction, apparently. >"Lighten up, man, you work too much." Zoner came over and >stood behind Gryphon, looking at the screen. "Speaking of which, >what're you working on?" Rebecca [Gryphopn]: I had this idea for a story. It's about these two geeky college nerds who use a computer to bring their fantasy anime women to life. Then they gain super powers and go on a wild trip across the universe, bonking whatever animated woman they like while generally acting like a pair of obnoxious smug gits. And they meet this big German guy who tells them that they're all immortals who have been bred for generations to save the universe! How cool is that? MMK [Zoner]: Don't you think you're being a bit silly? Rebecca [Gryphon]: Good point. How about one with a guy who's a street fighter who's doing Cammy and has a really, really cool dog? And his best friend's a secret agent who works for Mission: Impossible! MMK [Zoner]: Nope. Doesn't do much for me either. Rebecca [Gryphon]: Then how about this one... it's like Evangelion, only instead of Shinji there's this really cool, all-powerful, super-capable kid who can do everything? And there's this other kid who works for X-com and-- MMK [Zoner]: I think you need to get out more. >"Just kicking around a couple of ideas for armor upgrades to >the hardsuits," Gryphon replied, punching up a general spec. Tango: Hey! Show more respect to a general! >"See, if I make the big castings, the ones that don't vary from suit to suit, >with drop-forged BallisTech alloy instead of foam-cast duranium, and >then machine the custom bits out of the leavings, S.D. [Gryphon]: Then I have way too much time on my hands. >it adds a couple of man-hours to the fabrication time, but you get a 45% >increase in strength across the board, and who cares if it takes a couple more >hours per suit? It's not like we're in a booming market here." Rebecca: And BREATHE! NeoVid [Zoner]: And if I keep droning like this I can completely bore the hell out of everyone until their brains bubble out their ears and I beat the record for longest run-on sentence and I can say pretty much anything since everyone will be too bored to pay attention and etaoin shrdlu tobor ftaghn bop she bop hello kitty! >"Looks decent. Sylia seen this yet?" NeoVid: No, but I can't wait for the look on her face when she does. >"No, she's out. Check this out." Gryphon tabbed a few more >keys and another image appeared, that of a person's forearm and hand, NeoVid [Gryphon]: Do you like it? I call it... the hand! MMK [Zoner]: I've already got two. >encased in a wireframe of an armored limb. A wireframe of some sort >of weapon system was overlaid in red, and the arm ended in a robotic >waldo-controlled hand. Jonatan [Kaze]: Magan... KAITOH! >"This is a redesign I've been thinking of >doing to Priss's right arm sometime." NeoVid [Gryphon]: I added an extra thumb. Cool, huh? >"You should probably ask her--I imagine she wouldn't like it >if you just started cutting up her arm." Ranma X [Space Ghost]: Knifin' arouuuuuuuuund. Cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut... >"Gods, but you're funny. Vidstudent [God]: Don't take my name in vain, wiseguy. >Seriously, take a look. I've left >the railguns here, here, and here, but by using the new myomers >instead of the flat-motor armatures in the arm articulation, I can >save enough space to replace the chaingun with a particle cannon. Rebecca: That's nice, but she doesn't have a chaingun on her hardsuit. Tango [Gryphon]: Then I'll install one so I can replace it! >That'll give her a 60% firepower boost on the long-range end of the >curve, and 10% in the up-close curve. If I array the heat sinks like >so, I can squeeze fifty BTU/S out of it, Tango: Squeeze out fifty BUT/S? NeoVid: For great justice? >and feed seven or eight watts >to the thermocouples at the same time, and her arm stays nice and >comfortable. S.D.: But what about her legs? Her torso? Her ears? >Recoil shock is absorbed by the armature and shoulder >rams, same as with the chaingun. Tie the targeting system >across--easy enough, no?--and voila! MMK: (Takes out an animal balloon) A bunny rabbit! Others: Oooh! >And, with the myomers, the >crushing, gripping, and punching strength of that arm is increased by >over 8,000%!" Ranma X [Gryphon]: I have created the strongest handshake known to man!!! NeoVid: Priss will have... THE TOUCH OF DEATH! Uhwaaahhhh... >"Not bad, not bad. I could probably work out a better >circuitry system for arm control to give it a finer level of control. >Maybe bleed Ranma X: --from the jugular until you can't talk any more. NeoVid: Getting a little edgy? Ranma X: A little. >a little tech across from the cybernetic controls used for >implants, surface pickups. It would be simpler if we could get them >to use cybernetics to rig the suits. S.D.: --to explode. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Tango: Scary lady. >Too bad only Sylia has the ware, >and I haven't told her yet... What would happen if you stripped all >the flat motors and did all the musculature with myomers?" Vidstudent: I suspect the answer is "More technobabble". >"I'm working on that--I'll show you in a second what that's >leading up to." MMK: Five hundred pages of fanfiction later... >"You've been busy." > >"I try." Jonatan: Not busy enough if you're writing this crap. >"You ought to go out, relax, have some fun. You've been >working awful hard lately. If you work too long you'll get too >focused. S.D.: Yes, then he might get something done instead of just talking all the time. >Get out and relax and you might get more big ideas." > >"Fun is for other people. Tango: Yeah! And Oxygen's for losers! > Besides, I'm having fun. You >should see what I've cooked up for myself." Ranma X [Gryphon]: Can you smell what the Gryph is cooking? NeoVid: ...no. >"I knew you'd get around to building your own toys someday. >What is it, a hardsuit?" Rebecca: If it's the frugging GFN-3N, I'm leaving. >"Of a sort." Gryphon punched up another drawing. The screen >blinked to a view of an interesting-looking battlesuit, one which >showed very different design influences than Sylia's hardsuits. Vidstudent: The main influence was crack. >It wasn't as sleek and pretty to look at; in fact, it had all the >downtown chic of a dump truck, Rebecca: An obnoxious, dumbarse, kamikaze talking dumptruck... Tango [Ruination]: Oh shit, not you guys again! > but Zoner liked it anyway, just because >of its angular, vicious look. Also unlike the Knight Sabers' suits, >it had a face of MMK: --a three-eyed elephant. Jonatan: No, we don't know why, either. >a sort, two rectangular eyeslots and a sharp, >frowning mouth line. It looked very, very nasty. S.D.: But that wasn't intentional. >Something was protruding slightly above the points of both shoulders; NeoVid: The world's biggest shoulder pads! It's the HardPowersuit! > closer examination showed one to be labeled "8 Tube Missile Canister--Idle >Mode" and the other "2mm Minigun--Idle Mode". Tango: Eric -- Idle mode. > The glowing green letters underneath the schematic read Ranma X: "Do not shake; contents under pressure". >"Iron Man Tango [Iron Man]: SUPERIOR TECH! Variable Threat Response Combat Armor Model XI Mark III--General Arrangement--Drawing 1 of 4,225". > >"Iron Man? (Ranma X hums guitar riff while air-guitaring. MMK holds up the acoustic guitar as if to offer it to him, but Ranma X lifts an eyebrow and shakes his head.) Rebecca: Come on! What has Tony Stark done to deserve this? I mean, apart from becoming an abusive drunk, using Black Widow as a sex toy, going on the odd cross-country rampage, randomly attacking other people in armoured suits, seceding from the Avengers on numerous occasions, disbanding Force Works and appearing in Heroes Reborn? Vidstudent: Okay, after all that, I'm just speechless. > Changing comic-book heroes? Gryphon, you're >weird." MMK: Yes, but is he clinically insane? (He ^_^s) >It isn't exactly like the Model XI Iron Man armor you see in >the old comic books, which is why it's labeled Mark III instead of >Mark II. NeoVid [Frank]: The Frankystein Mark II! Ranma X: Mark? How many clones did you make? And why are they metallic? >The power delivery systems are a bit different, and I had to >fudge some of the weapons to get them to fit, at least on paper. It's >also a little stranger than NeoVid: --Carrot Top and Pee-Wee Herman combined. >the old Stark designs, considering the >Stingray design influences in it-- Tango: It's made entirely out of Gerry Anderson Marionettes. Jonatan: BLOODBERRY! ...Wait, wrong Marionettes. >Sylia happened by a while back when >I was messing around with the endoframe design and we wound up having >a six-hour technomantic brainstorming session." S.D.: The six-hour technobabble marathon, coming soon to a climate-controlled living quarter near you! Be warned. >"Kind of a `techie bonding' thing?" Zoner asked, a slightly >jealous tone slipping into his voice. Ranma X [Zoner]: Why does Sylia like him? What does he have that I don't? MMK: A really cool dog? >"Bestow upon my humble self a small break." Ranma X: (gets out combat spatula) How about a very large break? >Gryphon reconsidered, then said, "Yeah, I suppose, I guess you could call it >that. Anyway, check it out; this is the neatest thing. You know how >Iron Man's armor works, right? Vidstudent: Wishful thinking? NeoVid: Magic. Jonatan: Nope. Overimaginative tech the author hoped someone would invent later. Kinda like Ben here, really. > It doesn't get motive power from >armatures or a linear frame like the hardsuits. It's not even `hard'. Rebecca: (sniggers) I guess that's what Tony says to his girlfriend-of-the- second when things don't work out. "Don't worry, it's just that my suit isn't... hard." >Instead, most of its armor and strength capacities come from NeoVid [Gryphon]: --my ass. >the molecular force fields that actuate it. The whole thing is a huge MMK [Zoner]: --scam that I can't believe I fell for! >tessellated-fabric computer system. With the power off, it feels like >heavy cloth. S.D. [Gryphon]: Two tons of heavy cloth, but heavy cloth nonetheless. >Power it up and it'll stop artillery and rip right >through battleship armor with its bare hands. Tango: But can it punch through boomer armour like it's made out of soft-serve? > I can't wait to actually wear this thing." Jonatan: We can't wait to see you crushed by it. >"I didn't know you knew enough about force fields and the like >to make this." > >"I don't. Jonatan [Gryphon]: That whole dialogue we had? I made it up. > This disk," said Gryphon, holding up an optical >minidisk, "contains the complete technical readouts and diagrams for >the fabrication of the Model XI Mark II Iron Man armor. I got it >straight from Tony Stark." (All save Ranma X share an involuntary but heartfelt twitch. Ranma X merely screams.) Vidstudent [flatly]: Ben Hutchins is War Machine. >"Edison?" Jonatan: Thanks, but I'm trying to cut down. >"Bingo." MMK: --is his name-o! NeoVid: That suddenly makes me want to see those two as contestants on Smash TV... Jonatan: I said "Edison", not B-12. >"And you've been waiting until you had the facilities to make >it." > >"Another two points for the Zoninator. Rebecca: The "Zoninator"? Tango: Zoninator Two: Whacky Weed Day! S.D.: As long as Shannon Elizabeth doesn't fall for him when he calls himself that, I'll let it slide. > Like I said, Sylia and I had to fudge a few things to make it work-- MMK [Gryphon]: I pouted and whined for two hours until the laws of physics gave in. >the technology and facilities here are a little less effective than the ones >Tony had to work with-- Tango: There's never any handy Kree technology when you need it. >but work it will, once I get it finished." > >"So it should be stronger than a hardsuit?" > >"Much. Rebecca [Gryphon]: You don't expect me to slum around in wussy canon tech, do you? > I figure this suit will be able to bench-press around >fifty tons at full power. The real improvements will be in weapons, >though. Check this out." MMK [Gryphon]: A really big pokin' stick. NeoVid: o/~ We wish to welcome you to munchkin land! o/~ > He tabbed the remote again; the wireframe >schematic became a full-blown UVGA virtual diagram, super smooth >animation, as though film footage of the actual suit was on the >screen. Jonatan: Little did Zoner know Gryphon was showing him clips of the Iron Man cartoon. >Zoner had to admit, MMK [Zoner]: It's not butter at all. >with the glowering frown-line on the >faceplate and the silver and gray matte color scheme, the thing looked NeoVid: --like it was designed by a man who was blind since birth. >mean. Ranma X: Well, as mean as a humanoid sized piece of alloyed metal can be. >The protrusion on the right shoulder swung up, over, Vidstudent: --around, and through. >and locked down, revealing itself NeoVid: What, in public? >to be a missile canister with eight small tubes in it; Jonatan [Gryphon]: This is where I put my cubans. >the one on the left shoulder became a six-barrelled >minigun. The left forearm guard unfolded into a little two-barrelled >autocannon-like arrangement, and the right hand presented its palm to >the "camera", showing a small circular impression. MMK: Meet... SLAP-CAM! >"The missile rack is obvious," Rebecca: It... fires missiles! > Gryphon said. "It fires little missiles NeoVid: Hey, Rebecca's psychic. Jonatan: Ben and Zoner are really fond of their little missiles. (He ^_~s.) >about the size of road flares, which can hit their maximum >speed of Mach 2 in around five seconds. They cold launch with jets of >liquid nitrogen, like the missiles in my car, Rebecca [Gryphon]: Did I mention how cool my car is? MMK [Gryphon]: Let me talk about my car for a second. > and the sustainer kicks >in after about a half second. See the little bulge on the side of the Jonatan: --pants? >helmet? That's a laser designator for the missiles. I can reset the >blink-rate eight different ways and target each missile independently, >in a matter of a second or two, theoretically. S.D.: Wow. I'm so bored it's like I'm traveling back in time. MMK [Zoner]: No, technical specs make for really good reading! I'm sure it's true! > I can tool the machines up to make all kinds of mini-missiles; so far all I >plan to make are the HEAT, Vidstudent: Boy, he must still be mad about Emerald Twilight. MMK: Ron Marz and Kevin Dooley better beware! >incendiary, and smoke rounds. I don't have the >budget for depleted uranium penetrators, NeoVid [Gryphon]: Hell, I've even had to sell my built-in penetrator. >and I don't want to even think about making the 1.8 kiloton subnukes." Tango: What about the fire-retardant foam? What about the moustache-seeking option? What about anti-lobster capabilities? And what about Raven? MMK [Raven]: WHAT ABOUT DR. RAVEN? >"You've got the plans for subnukes? I want copies," MegaZone >declared. NeoVid [Zoner]: I have some "friends" in the Middle East... >"Too bad. Anyway, check out the minigun. It's pretty much >your standard six-barrelled rotary minigun, Tango: Except it's pink and fires hot fudge. >with the motor packed >inside the 1,800-round spiral magazine for compactness' sake. The >rounds are 2mm caseless tungsten penetrators, coated with Teflon. S.D.: Well, at least, we know that we can cook eggs on them without oil... Rebecca: At that size, they'd be useless... unless you wanted to poke someone to death at high speed. Jonatan: The purpose of guns are to poke people to death at high speed. > I like the image of shell-casings flying around, but I decided they were >too much of a pain in the ass." > >"Hey, nice design. MMK [Zoner]: I didn't know you could make an ass that big. >With a few changes I think I could base a >nice personal weapon on this. Make a good smart gun. MMK [Zoner]: We have to have something smart here. >Say, what about >a hollow centered flat motor system built into the circumference of a >hardsuit arm?" NeoVid: Huh? Jonatan: Poor Zoner, he's trying to compete with Ben's godliness. >"You'd run into problems aligning the hand so it doesn't get >in the way. MMK: But hey, if you don't get it right the first time you can always mount it on the stump. I've heard the Ash-look is in vogue again. >That'd be a pain. But it would look neat. Vidstudent: Always more important than being useful. >Anyway, the little chaingun on the right forearm guard S.D. [Gryphon]: Is *completely* useless, but it's very pretty. >uses the same kind of ammunition; there's a cassette system Ranma X: No way, man! 8-track systems for life, man!! > that snails the ammo around the >arm. I've got around two hundred rounds in there, and I'll make up a >couple more mats to carry in the belt utility slots. The other >gauntlet has a beam saber projector--basically, Jonatan: --a Gundam ripoff. >a focused particle >beam with a set of magnatomic field generators that sculpt the >particle emission into a blade shape. Rebecca: ...throw some Gundam tech in while you're there... > Very nice. The missile rack, >the minigun, and the gauntlet weapons are all modular, and can be >removed, Ranma X: Like their heads will be when they get in their first fight. >so if I come up with other things, they'll be easy to mount, >and if I want a sleeker profile, less of that `loaded for bear' look, Jonatan: Yeah, you have to be loaded before even thinking of going for the bear, but you should shoot the nun first. >I can leave them off and just go with the built-in weaponry. Speaking >of which: NeoVid: Oh no. We wouldn't want to trouble you, so... please, you don't have to- >"The round thing on the chest is the unibeam, a tunable free >electron laser plate. I can throw the equivalent of a Jonatan: --really bitchin' kegger. >Klieg light, cone it down to a pocket flashlight, Tango: Which all robots should really come standard with. >or melt a hole in an M1 tank with it, or pretty much anything in between. Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Also, it cures lethal diseases and whitens your teeth while you sleep. >It's tied to the targeting >system too, in case I need to use a really large laser designator, or >designate a target through a lot of smoke or water or the like. The >helmet designator isn't all that powerful." Tango: On the upside, it makes for one hell of a laser show! >"Of course, the things in the palms are Iron Man's signature >weapons, 32mm palm repulsors. Jonatan [Gryphon]: I put my smugness in them. >They're basically neutron guns; they >use a laser pulse to clear the pesky air molecules out of the way for NeoVid: Yeah, can't have that pesky air get in the way of Ben's showing off. >a focused neutron force beam. On the default settings they don't do >burn damage, just concussion, but I can set them to do things like NeoVid [Gryphon]: --tap dance, yodel, and make julienne fries. >neurostun and full beam burn, too. Jonatan: This text is on "full brain burn". S.D.: I've already set my brain on stun. >"If I want that, though, all I really have to do is use the >pulse bolts--repeating plasma generators in both forearm guards. They >sculpt the pulses using the NeoVid [Gryphon]: --phony scientific-sounding gibberish I pass off as an explanation. >magnetronic fields around the gloves >themselves--ingenious, and it explains why the suit looks like it's >throwing Rebecca [Gryphon]: --up. Constantly. >the pulses right off the gauntlets. The neat thing about >pulse bolts is, MMK [Gryphon]: --they come with free pogs! >rather than be weakened by range, they increase in >power, pulsing as they go and adding to their overall power with >ambient static and air friction and like that, until Vidstudent [Gryphon]: --they blow up the universe. Um, bit of a design flaw there. >they destabilize >at a half-mile or so. I'm not too sure how they work, really. S.D.: We couldn't tell. >"The cybercontrol systems are tied to a direct Tactical Helmet >Virtual Reality, a helmet holotank, Tango: A Helmet fishtank. > and that combined with the fast >control computer, Ranma X [Gryphon]: --replacing the slow control computer I used to use. >the cybernetic response net--basically, a set of >rigtrodes--and streamlined software should give me a 25% increase in >reaction and action times over the standard hardsuits. Rebecca: In other words, Ben is too awesome for words. Jonatan: I have words for him, but they're not suitable for print. > The boot jets NeoVid: --stolen from Steel-- >and avionic software are real pieces of work; I figure I can make >sustained flight at supersonic speeds with them, and complete control, >no sweat. Vidstudent: If he says he also has the Proton Cannon, I'm shooting the screen. > Tony really is a genius. Someday I hope to be half as >smart." Ranma X [sarcastically]: Ha Ha. It's funny 'cause he just spent 30 kilobytes explaining how smart he is... ha ha... please kill me now. >"Don't sell yourself short; Tango [Zoner]: TALK SOME MORE, WHY DON'T YOU! JESUS *CHRIST*! MMK: Why not? We can auction him off to Abu Dhabi or someplace else! >I've seen what you've done on your >own and been impressed by it, after all, and you know what it takes to >impress me." MMK [Gryphon]: See, see? I have a cool car! Jonatan [Zoner]: I'm impressed. MMK [Gryphon]: Look, a three-foot-tall ice cream sundae! Jonatan [Zoner]: I'm not easy to impress, but that's impressive. MMK [Gryphon]: Hey, look! A shiny button! Jonatan [Zoner]: Wai! NeoVid: And I thought all it took was a dozen roses and a box of chocolates. >"True. Anyway, Sylia took a look at the data on the third day >we were here, and it turned out I was lucky enough MMK [Gryphon]: --that she didn't shoot my head off on the spot. >that she had a nanotank big enough for it, down in the subbasement. >Turns out it's left over from her father's Buma research; she doesn't >do any nanotech work herself, Jonatan: And absolutely isn't using it as part of a plot to create a killer nanovirus to take over the world. No siree. Rebecca: Cobra Commander wants that back when you're done. > and most of the fabrication work on the Iron Man suit is >nanotech, not gross Vidstudent: Gross is the SIs' job. >hands-and-tools stuff. So it's down there perking >away." Rebecca: I find it unnerving that you prepare an Iron Man suit the same way you would a pot of linguini. >"Cool. So, when should this new suit see the light of day?" Jonatan: The day you run down main street, naked, with a pot of cheesecake on your head, and shouting "everyone wants to steal my nuts!" NeoVid: That is the last time I let a machine handle my nuts... >"I dunno. S.D. [Gryphon]: Tommorow, let's say. >Depends on when I have time to work on it. MMK: I hear that. >Like I said, because of the nature of the flex-metal and stuff, I can't >actually build most of it by hand. Vidstudent: He just admitted he can't do something... NeoVid [Gryphon]: I can't put together microscopic components with my bare hands! Noooo! I'm not perfect! >I just fed the data to the >nanotank computer and the nanomachines are doing the rest. NeoVid [Gryphon]: Damned if I know how. > The suit itself is almost finished--probably another two days--but I've been >putting off making the powerplant because I'm going Tango [Gryphon]: --completely insane. >to have to fabricate that by hand, and if I screw it up, it'll probably >be really bad." > >"Why? What is it?" Tango: The world's largest hamster on the world's biggest hamster wheel. >"I think I've figured out a way to make a workable microfusion >generator." > >"No shit." Ranma X: Okay, "Shit", let's start with that, 'fic. >"No shit. Problem is, I don't dare to try and make one, >because if I screw up, it'll probably explode the first time I test >it, and I think the city of MegaTokyo would get a little irritated >with me if I set off a small H-bomb in the Canyons. Not that I'd be >around to care." MMK: I'm really not seeing the downside here. Rebecca: It would also kill the canon characters. MMK: Oh. >"Well, hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? Ranma X [Zoner]: Test *two* of them! At once! >I thought you couldn't make magnets powerful enough to contain the >reaction and still have a plant small enough to use in a hardsuit. Jonatan: Magnets? Vidstudent: Yes, you need-- Jonatan: [angrily] What's wrong with duct tape?! Vidstudent: that's-- Jonatan: I mean, I managed to contain a nuke with duct tape! While it was detonating! With a dozen rabid weasels in my pants! Vidstudent: You-- Jonatan: Who is this Gryphon guy, anyway? >As I recall, that was why you stopped working on the Griffin suit you >were going to build last summer in Worcester." NeoVid [Gryphon]: As you recall, you spent that summer dancing in Faerieland with pink elephants and Roger Waters. Tango [Zoner]: Yeah! Hey, did you know it's illegal to transport my spinal fluid over a national border? >"I couldn't--not until I got this data from Tony, anyway." He >sighed. "If I make this thing work, I can start rebuilding the >hardsuits for this kind of power. Vidstudent: ...and when did they actually ask for that? >Shit, if it works, I can refit them >to use full-body myomer actuation. Computer projections of S.D. [Gryphon]: --Baywatch are no longer enough. I need to see the real thing, damnit! >lifting >strength show that a standard hardsuit, with its endoframe reinforced >and fully fitted with myomers, would NeoVid: --be the perfect weapon for me, MunchkoMan! >have eighty times the strength they have with the flat-motors. Jonatan: *How many times over* have they multiplied the abilities *already* in this story? >It'd be able to press over forty tons without much of a problem. MMK [Priss]: I'm huge! Ranma X: Does Sylia even have the money to fund these things without having to live on the street? NeoVid: You'd be surprised at the price tags on some of the items for sale in the Silky Doll... S.D.: The price tags are sometimes larger than the lingerie... > Can you imagine Linna going hand-to-hand with that kind of strength?" Tango: She could punch through boomer armour like it was made of chocolate mousse! Jonatan: They crank out technological innovations by the truckload, and for what purpose? Guns, kewl armor, and boomer-breaking toys. Pardon me while I go and find something to be sick in. (wanders away) NeoVid: Hey, curing cancer doesn't get you into cool fight scenes. >"Gah, I'd have to rework all of the wiring controls and >interfaces to handle that kind of power. Auto-dampeners and the like, >a flinch could kill someone. Vidstudent: Why don't you test it, Gryph? Using yourself as guinea pig? S.D.: Unfortunately, that would mean it would work. Vidstudent: Point. >I think you're blowing the technology >curve right off the map, chummer. Rebecca [Zoner]: Your GM's obviously completely lost control. > Why not just build them all >flex-metal forcefield suits like this?" Tango [Gryphon]: Because B.A.'s already started cryin' like a baby. S.D.: You know, this whole 'fic really does read like the Knights got their hands on Big Eyes, Small Mouth. (Sounds of destruction come from the back.) >"What, and step on Sylia's toes? She's just got a different >design philosophy than Tony Stark, that's all. Soon as I finish the >fusion plant, her own designs will probably show more potential than >the Stark design. Jonatan: (returns and sits) Note how Sylia's accomplishments are directly dependent upon Gryphon's. (Pause) On a completely unrelated point, we didn't need that extra coffee machine, did we? Rebecca: It's better to keep coffee away from some people here. > Hell, the `me' over in that universe has the same >design philosophy as she does. You should see the Mark Four Griffin >suit in person. Jesus, what a pig! Tango: That armor has really let itself go. >It's a thing of beauty. Vidstudent: --a joy forever. S.D.: More "Expressions That Will Not Be Used To Describe This Story" when we come back. >A work of art. Eight feet tall if it's an inch. Probably weighs three tons. NeoVid: This is not a time to be talking about old girlfriends. Rebecca: Hardsuits are probably the closest he's ever gotten so far. >Three-quarter-inch armor plating with articulated layered joints, MMK: ...a tap for the keg... >myomer musculature enhancement, Vidstudent: ...built-in Rumble Pak... > six interlinked onboard computers, S.D.: ...two and a half bathrooms... > the particle accelerator that ate Toledo... Rebecca: ...docking bay for the Bu Bu Maru... Tango: Ha! Nice try, buddy! Everyone knows that Toledo's a myth! > Totally intense." Ranma X [Gryphon as 80's teenager]: It's real killer. I wish I thought of it while spinning donuts at the Krispy Kreme. >"The Time Lord? He's real?" > >"Everything's real, somewhere in the multiverse, right? S.D.: Hutchins, would you please stop pissing in the meme pool? Ranma X: That means a serial killer who hunts down Gryphons and Zoners has to exist... Vidstudent: Now that would be a good addition to this story. Rebecca: No, even then it would suck. They'd make it like Jet Li in "The One". Vidstudent [sighing]: Yeah, true enough. >Great guy, too. 'Course, I'd think that, 'cause he's me and all." Rebecca: ...and you've been writing about yourself since '91, so we all know how much you like yourself. >"You have been busy." NeoVid [Zoner]: Wow, I didn't know narcissism could be so messy. >"Yeah, and I'm not done yet. Listen, I'm going to construct >the upgraded railguns, Ranma X [Gryphon]: I fr4gX0rs th3 c4mp3r5 w1th th3 r417 g|_|N! > myomer articulation, and particle gun for Priss >around a subframe I designed to fit my arm, and connect it to a mobile >power unit for testing and demonstration. Think you could do me a >favor?" > >"What?" Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Stand right there and don't try to defend yourself. >"I need a Blue Buma to do the demonstration with." > >Zoner's eyebrows shot up. "Intact?" > >"Preferably, although I wouldn't mind if it wasn't running >around the lab blowing NeoVid: Everything in this fic either blows or sucks. >things up. This stuff is expensive, after all, >and I haven't done all that much to earn it yet." > >"Ooookaaay...I'll see what I can do..." > > >SEVERAL DAYS LATER Vidstudent [Zoner]: Wow, didn't think he'd get killed so quickly. Worse than that guy with the Bear-proof suit. >Gryphon ran to his lab with Zoner hot on his heels, shouting >behind him, "Don't leave without me!" S.D. [Gryphon]: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. >"Gryphon, what are you doing?" NeoVid [Gryphon]: Since when have I known *that*? >Zoner asked. "You haven't even >tested your armor yet, you don't know if it'll even work!" Vidstudent: Don't worry. He read ahead. >"Sure I do," said Gryphon as they entered the lab. "All the >subsystems worked before I had the tank assemble the thing, didn't >they?" MMK [Zoner]: No, see, if it works in your dreams, that doesn't mean it'll work for real. NeoVid [Gryphon]: ...I am just not getting this. >He kicked off his shoes and tossed his sweatshirt across a >chair, then S.D.: Continued to run screaming through the lab while removing his clothes. >went into a fitting room, and came out dressed in the male >version of a hardsuit undergarment. Rebecca: 5'8", 300 pound Ben in a rubber bodysuit. There's an image we could do without. >"Only in simulation testing! What about the driver software? NeoVid: I played that game. The sequel wasn't as good as they say. >None of that's been tested yet in real life--" > >"Consider this a field test then," Gryphon interrupted, going >to the bay where his new armor stood. "I'm needed, Ranma X.: --dead. >and the suit's done. Tango: Stick a fork in it! This is a perfect opportunity. NeoVid [Gryphon]: --to make myself look like a moron! MMK [Zoner]: When have you needed an opportunity for that? >Besides, I've done tons of >simulation tests. It's ready." He opened it up and took out the >trunks, pulling them on, and Tango: --discovering the "surprise" Zoner had left in them. >then the boots. The leggings dropped >into place almost automatically, sliding into the tops of the boots >and locking down. The clamshell of chestplate and backpiece came >next, sealing easily, S.D.: Hopefully, crushing his ribs and destroying his internal organs. >and the gauntlets; the sleeves did just as the >leggings had, sliding down his arms and locking into the tops of the >gauntlets automatically, with a sound reminiscent of a Slinky >navigating stairs. (The sound of the slinky becomes louder. Everyone turns and stares at MMK.) MMK: What? (He ^_^s and puts away his Slinky.) > Gryphon put on the helmet, turning it a couple of >times Vidstudent: Somehow it kept ending up backwards all the time. >to make sure all the rigtrodes had worked their way through his >hair and into direct contact with his scalp, and then he snapped it >into the neck cuff and flipped the faceplate down. NeoVid: --and lowered his lance, ready for the joust. >There was a brief hum as the microfusion reactor Vidstudent: --tried to remember the words. >powered up, and then, with a slight zap, Ranma X: The reactor underwent instantaneous meltdown? Jonatan: Ranma... Ranma X: I hurt. Leave me to my dreams, Jon. > the force field came online and the suit >stiffened, NeoVid: I see he made the suit from duranium-viagra alloys. Tango [Beavis]: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing. Heh heh. >turning from a somewhat loose-fitting metallic jumpsuit >with strange accessories into a suit of rigid, formidable armor. NeoVid: Yep, duranium-viagra all right. >Inside, the Tactical Helmet Virtual Reality erased the helmet from Rebecca: --Gryphon's existence as it couldn't bear innocent hardware being tainted. >Gryphon's field of view and hearing, replacing it with an >unadulterated view of the outside world. MMK: He saw the world for what it really is, was disillusioned and decided to be a hermit in Tibet. Tango: Why Tibet? MMK: Dude! The Yeti serves great tofu, yo! >Turning his head, he noted that everything scrolled smoothly. Vidstudent [Gryphon]: Whoah! This Xbox rocks! >It was as if he wasn't wearing a >helmet. He looked around with his eyes; Rebecca: As opposed to his toes? NeoVid: I think he normally looks with his ass. S.D.: Or at least that's where he normally keeps his head. >all the projector units were >online. He honestly couldn't tell he had a helmet on, except that he >could feel it. Tango: He could feel it, just like he could feel the undead clowns giving him orders. >The status readouts and menus glowed greenly, hanging >in midair and moving to stay stationary in his field of vision. Ranma X: So they'll block his vision and prevent him from defending himself when the boomer guts him. Cool. >Right now they were reporting a nominal status across the board, something >for which he was quite glad. > >SE Iron Man Model XI > >STANDBY MODE MMK: o/ Oh, darling, darling... stand, standby... o/ >Reactor Nominal > >All systems 100% NeoVid [Gryphon]: Damn! That's a lot lower than MunchkoMan's stats should be! >Gryphon smiled as he felt the Power flow through his creation. Jonatan [Gryphon]: Give my creation... LIFE! Mwahaha! >Even without doing anything he could feel its might. Truly, this was >a tour de force. Standing still it exceeded his wildest speculations. MMK: It really can make julienne fries! >"Wow!" Gryphon breathed, Ranma X: Damn. >and laughed. "It works," he reported >to Zoner, and then headed for the door, feeling the reassuring >closeness and weight of the suit around him and Jonatan: Then feeling himself get wedged in the doorframe and stuck. S.D. [Zoner]: Should have measured before you put it all together, man. S'all I can say. >the firm, reverberating thunk of his feet hitting the metal flooring. The >rigtrodes were doing their job perfectly. NeoVid [Gryphon]: Don't try striking again! >Zoner imagined Gryphon could get another 30% speed or so if he hardjacked Tango: Doesn't hardjacking usually keep you distracted? >the suit, but they'd been all through that before. S.D: They're not explaining it again? Oh, but we were so enjoying the pointless exposition. >"Great, let's go, they're waiting. Looks good, by the way." S.D.: Please, Zoner... (rolls eyes) MMK: I can lend him my pom-poms if he wants. (He ^_^s) >"Thanks. Like the colors? It's supposed to be more >foreboding than the usual Iron Man, or something, which is why it >isn't standard Iron Man red and gold. Vidstudent [Gryphon]: It's Iron Man Platinum edition. >Too bad though...I like the `Golden Avenger' nickname. Jonatan: Then Robert Kauffman comes along and kicks his arse for stealing his name. NeoVid: He deserves the 'Golden Shower' nickname. > Maybe I'll change it when I upgrade and >redesign, 'cause you know I'm going to...but for this design, these >colors work." Rebecca: Look at the 1997 Destro and say that to me again. >"Yeah, I agree. I like it." > >"Good." Ranma X [Gryphon]: I would have had to kill you otherwise. >They raced up the side of the GENOM Tower, Priss in the lead, >Linna after her, Tango: Phar Lap edging through and with Eric Musambani at the rear. > and Gryphon flying above them, while Sylia, Nene, and >Zoner took the more direct route, straight to the roof. Ranma X: They would have gotten there sooner, but some kid pressed every button in the lift. > They weren't >long in encountering resistance; three Model 12 combat Buma raced out >to meet them. Tango [Boomer]: Hi there! Jonatan [Boomer]: How've you been? Vidstudent [Boomer]: How was your flight? It must have been a doozy. >"Got the one in back," Iron Man announced, and throttled his >boot jets up for the attack, Rebecca: If Buzz Lightyear fought the Tyrell Corporation, it'd look something like... this. > powering over the first two and vectoring straight at the third. MMK [dogfighter]: Vector one-five. Do you copy? >SE Iron Man Model XI > >FULL ASSAULT MODE S.D.: The armor simply disappeared. MMK: Five-foot-eight three hundred pounds of pure naked Gryphon is outlawed by the Geneva convention. >Arming All Weapons Rebecca: Setting the table. >All Systems 100% Combat Ready Tango: Machine that goes ping pinging at full speed! >The missile rack swung into position with a sharp click as the >minigun locked down on the other side; NeoVid [Gryphon]: Some may call this "over armed". I call it "Justified response". > the laser designator put its red triangle around the Buma MMK [Buma]: Oh no, I've been outed! >as it fell back and opened up with its >chaingun. Gryphon, grounding with computer-assisted ease, ignored it; S.D. [Gryphon]: What I don't know, won't hurt me. >Threat Assessment didn't even register the slugs as they pinged off >his armor. Rebecca: Then the boomer got a natural twenty. Gruesome. > Instead, he made sure the Buma was securely targeted and >launched his missiles, Tango: --made of weenie dogs. >all eight of them. Vidstudent: Isn't that a little on the Overkill side? Rebecca: I guess he's pulling a Scott Bernard. Ranma X [narrating]: Now out of ammo, he was quickly shattered and left for dead. >They ripped free of their weather-sealed tubes NeoVid: Fool! You removed them from the original packaging! >in a quick >cycle, port to starboard and top to bottom, spiraled beautifully as >their little stabilizer fins popped out, Tango: INTENSE MISSILE LAUNCHER DESCRIPTION ACTION! > and then hit home, blasting >the crablike combat Buma's chest and blowing an optical boom away. Rebecca: Eight missiles... to take off a sensor boom? Where did Ben get those things? >Howling in outrage, the machine fired its own spread of missiles back >at him. Rebecca: Just so you know, the Bu-12 doesn't have missiles. Vidstudent: Gryphon doesn't mind... nor care. >The minigun twitched on his shoulder as his THVR informed him, >"ANTI-MISSILE SYSTEM ENGAGED"; then it opened up with its breed's >characteristic buzz, the THVR informing Gryphon as each individual >incoming target was intercepted and destroyed by its fire stream. Jonatan: Never mind that a standard ECM works much better than shooting down missiles. But hey, that'd be too easy. >"All right!" he shouted to anyone who might be listening. S.D.: Nobody, of course. >"The Goalie works!" MMK: And next, the Goalie jobs. > Gryphon had programmed the point-defense >capability into the minigun himself; it was an application Tony Stark >had not foreseen for the weapon, Rebecca: Once again, Ben proves he is so much better than canon characters. Hoo- rah. > and he was justifiably proud that it worked. Tango [NFL Blitz defenceman]: I'm so good I oughta be il-*legal*! >He turned the minigun on the Buma next, opening up with the >right-gauntlet chainguns as well. The wounded combat machine ignored >his bullets just as he ignored NeoVid: --the Boomer's attempts to surrender. >its. >He had expected as much, but he >had to try, no? Besides, he wanted to test all of his weapons. Rebecca: Ben amazes me. How can one man be so omnipotent and so stupid at the same time? Tango: I do that all the time. Rebecca: Yes, but you're a special case. >The Buma jetted backward and fired a round from its bazooka to >cover its retreat; Gryphon's left gauntlet flashed up, palm opening, NeoVid [exact Apocalypse]: BEHOLD MY MIGHTY HAND! Ranma X: (holding ears) Don't do that! NeoVid: SORRY. Ranma X: (still holding ears) Argh! >and a pinpoint repulsor shot detonated the shell a good twenty feet >distant, although Threat Assessment informed him that Vidstudent: ...he was a threat to good fanfiction everywhere. >his armor could >have easily withstood the impact. He launched himself after it, fists >extended before him, NeoVid [Gryphon]: Ha! I remembered to hold them in front this time! >and, traveling at 350 mph and accelerating, S.D.: --he was caught by the A.D. Police for overspeeding. >hit it with a body shot that would've done any NHL defenseman proud. Tango [Tony Schiavone]: SPEAR! SPEAR! THIS IS THE GREATEST NIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR BUSINESS! >Crashing against the wall of the Tower, it backhanded Gryphon with its >cannon arm and knocked him clear. Ranma X [Buma]: Bitch. Rebecca: Lesson one: never engage in close combat when ranged combat is a valid option. >Rolling to his feet, Gryphon suddenly found himself Ranma X [Gryphon]: Hey, if that's me down there, then what am I... uh oh... >surrounded >by explosions as the Buma blanketed his general vicinity with bazooka >shells and machine-gun ammunition. Vidstudent [Buma]: Maybe I should go back to firing them instead of throwing them... >Smiling, he backed up a couple of steps and tried his next weapon, Rebecca: The Atomic Napalm Death Ray. MMK: I thought it was the Nuclear Suplex. (He ^_^s.) Prepare for his Super-Ultra-Mambo-Tango-Foxtrot Martial Arts! > jacking the unibeam up to maximum intensity Tango: "Frappe" > and firing. >The six-inch laser bolt punctured the Buma's torso clean >through Tango [Boomer]: How can you use my intestines as a gift? > and continued on into the building beyond it. NeoVid [Sam]: I hope there was nobody in that building. Tango [Max]: At least nobody we know or care about. > It gathered its remaining strength and charged as if >intending to take Gryphon over the far guardrail and off the building. >He set himself and, as it approached, launched a wheel kick at it. S.D.: Ben "Gryphon" Hutchins *is* Viscera! >The armor responded Jonatan: --by leaving him for the Buma as it ran like hell. >beautifully, and the kick pitched the Buma >right back to the wall. Gryphon pressed his NeoVid: --SuperMunchko Remote, which gave him total control over the story. >advantage, closing on it and delivering a series of punches, strikes, and >kicks. The feedback from the suit's external tactile sensors was perfect, (MMK spits a piece of chewing gum out of his mouth and swats it out of the air with his hand. Tango tosses a towel behind his own back and catches it.) >and the lag time from the 'trodes almost nil. Jonatan: Uh-huh. First time using it, and it works like a dream in every way. Suuure. This wet dream of yours is getting overbearing, Ben. >Gryphon was adjusting to it even as he >fought. He backed off a step or two, parrying the Buma's own clumsy >punch attempt. Ranma X: Didn't I see this in a DBZ episode? Vidstudent: You saw it in every DBZ episode. > Then, tiring of the dance, Tango: How much Fleetwood Mac can one man take? >he activated the beam saber, and his next parry took off its gun arm. S.D. [narrating]: Its own gun arm, that is. Ben can't duel worth shit. >He then backed off and blasted it with full-power repulsors, halting >its enraged charge effectively, as well as blowing off its remaining arm Rebecca: I see he's a big Hemingway fan. Jonatan: Hmm? Rebecca: "A farewell to arms". (*Rimshot*) Signus [over intercom]: Never, EVER, compare Hemingway to Eyrie AGAIN. (long pause) Although it explains a lot of things... > and the leg on >that side. Switching to pulse bolts, he reduced it to twitching slag. Rebecca: Whoah! Simmer! What'd it ever do to you? Tango [Gryphon]: I didn't like the way it looked at me. (MMK takes out a stick and pokes the Buma on screen, which twitches again.) >Standing over the smoldering remains of his first adversary, >Gryphon remarked to himself, "I guess I'd call that a successful first >field test. NeoVid: Just wait till he finds out that the skidplate fell off. > Better see how the others are doing." Jonatan: Meanwhile, in another stream of consciousness... >He looked up and >subdivided off the center of his vision for a mag-20 look up top; he >couldn't see much from that angle. Vidstudent: So then he switched to the wide-angle telpehoto lens. > Looking up and down the road, he >didn't see much either; Linna and Priss had passed S.D.: --on his offer for a date, showing they had some sense. > him, their battles >being a bit more mobile than his own. Shrugging, he deployed his >powered boot skates (All laugh.) S.D.: Now you're being silly. > and zoomed up around the curving Tower Road to see >if he could be of assistance. MMK: The 16-trick grind combo off the guard rail was worth a few points. Vidstudent: He could've gone for the infinite grind over by Pops' workshop, though. This may cost him Jet. >The answer to that question was "no"; Jonatan: Interestingly enough, that's the common answer real girls give him, too. >by the time he arrived >at the top, Linna and Priss had dealt with their adversaries (although >Priss had caused a nasty case of chamber searing in her autocannon to >pull it off), Rebecca: ...she doesn't have an autocannon... > Nene had killed her 55-series Buma adversary (wonders >just never cease), Tango: It's a miracle! I have seen the light! Salvation is upon us, brothers! To the bomb shelters! > and Zoner and Sylia were quite well-involved MMK: Geeze, get a room, you two! >with some clown in a battlesuit Ranma X: In other words, Gryphon. >that reminded Gryphon of the Firepower suit >he had seen in a comic book a few times, except minus (fortunately) >the nuclear missile on its back. S.D.: Note the tacit admission that Gryph can't come up with his own way-kewl armor designs. > Zoner ended up getting intimate with a wall, Rebecca: Please, Zoner, there are ladies present. > and the clown in the battlesuit was trying to pry off Sylia's >helmet. MMK [Scott Keith]: Ooh. That shit'll get you shot in Mexico. Zoner was occupied freeing his LightSaber custom combat suit >from its crater. Rebecca: Interesting. The munky-boys are tied up and thus the Sabers get to kill the villain themselves. That's quite unusual for a BGC self-insertion. Tango: Sho's mother is still on her own, though. >Gryphon locked his targeting system on the grey GENOM >battlesuit and got ready to paste him with pulse bolts, but before he >got the chance to light up the night, the guy in the suit committed >the Number One Tactical Error of armored combat; Ranma X.: He pissed off the depressed kid of undetermined power. MMK: ...he fucked with Megatron. (All gasp.) Rebecca: Oh, so Brian J. Mason is Mr. Lazarus? > he opened his helmet >to gloat, which gave Sylia what, in armored combat tactical schools, >is referred to as a Rebecca: --rock-stupid rookie mistake that only a throwaway villain would make. > Truly Golden Opportunity to Stick an Eighteen-Inch >Bayonet Through His Neck. Of course, not being stupid, Sylia took >full advantage of said opportunity. Tango [Mason]: I am damned unsatisfied to be killed in this way. Vidstudent: How would you rather die? Tango: This way... (Tango hops to the stage in front of the screen and starts taking out various explosive equipment from various nooks and crannies. He starts arranging them in a pile. The others stare.) MMK: That looks like fun. Can I help? Tango: Sure! (MMK joins Tango in removing various explosives from various places.) Rebecca: Ummm... Tango, what the hell are you doing? Tango: Can't talk. Building massive weapon of mass destruction. Jonatan: Oh. One of those. (yawns) You forgot the spark plug. Tango: (Looks up) Oh. Thanks. (Gets back to work) NeoVid: Need a tactical nuke? (pulls out a comically large missile from somewhere inside his trenchcoat) I have a spare. MMK: Toss it over here! Ranma X: Are you guys cra--Eeeek! (Ranma X jumps behind his chair as NeoVid tosses the missile to MMK, who catches it with one hand and attaches it to the growing pile of dangerous stuff.) Rebecca: (whispers to Vidstudent) I don't know about you, but I'm going back. (points to the back of the theater) (Vidstudent nods. Rebecca, S.D., and Vidstudent calmly walk towards the end of the theater. Ranma X scampers there in less than dignified fashion.) (Tango and MMK stop their work and admire the pile. It is a large collection of seventy sticks of TNT, an incendiary rocket, NeoVid's tactical nuke, assorted car parts, several packets of C4, a box of beanie babies and Bart Simpson dolls, a Kraft Land Mine and a blackboard--all arranged into a 1/8th model of the Gundam Deathscythe Hell.) Vidstudent: If it weren't for the imminent danger to our well-being, I must say I'm impressed. S.D.: I'm impressed either way. (MMK ties Tango to the foot of the Gundam model.) Tango: There, now *this* is the way I wanna die! Rebecca: Fine, Tango! (Whips out a magazine and starts skimming it) As long as I'm out of it. Signus [over intercom]: Hey, Loons! Quit your playing around so we can continue! (MMK and Tango simultaneously turn towards Signus' voice. MMK is holding a joystick in his hands.) MMK & Tango: Playing around? Signus [over intercom]: What in Lina's name are you people doing there?! MMK: Just a little pyrotechnic display. (He ^_^s and pushes a button on the joystick.) Tango: Twenty seconds, people! (All stare at Tango.) Rebecca: (Drops her magazine) You didn't. MMK: Did. NeoVid: (Takes out a pair of shades and puts them on) Well, I'm ready. How about you? Jonatan: (Takes out a pair of shades and puts them on) Feels like I just did this last Tuesday. Rebecca: You... didn't. Tango: Did. (grins) Ranma X: (Clawing at the theater doors) Let me out! By the gods! Let me out! Vidstudent: Well, it had to happen sooner or later. (hides behind some seats) Signus [over intercom]: Tango! MMK! You stop that right now! (Tango merely sticks out his tongue at Signus' general direction.) Rebecca: You. Didn't. MMK: Did. (He ^_^s) S.D.: Get down! (Drags Rebecca down with her.) Tango: *BOOM*! (A blinding white light engulfs everything.) *********** TO BE CONTINUED... in Part 2 ***********