*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

Indie Madnesse proudly presents:

IMPROFICROAST: Improvisational MiSTing
               or
               How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Come Up With Riffs In
               Two Days
               http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net/ifroast.htm

Episode 001:   Pokemon OVA #5
               SWAP4P

Participants:
-Jonatan Streith (J_Streith@mailandnews.com)
 Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion, Guest Editor
-Mark Poa (markpoa@edsamail.com.ph)
 Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion, Guest Mark
-NeoVid (neovid@hotmail.com)
 Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion, Guest GMCA Rep
-Ranma X (drstupid@geocities.com)
 Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion, Guest Villain
-Ripper Jak (WYVERN5555@aol.com)
 Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion, Guest Seasoned Vet
-Signus Megido (marmala@hotmail.com)
 Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion, Guest Dragon
-S. D. Ryukage (dragon48@ptd.net)
 Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion, Guest Yaoi Fan
-Zeek Silverfire (twarner@erinet.com)
 Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion, Guest Elf

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

OBLIGITARY LEGAL BLAH

        MST3K & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best 
Brains Inc.
        Pokemon and its characters are copyright... ?help?
        Revolutionary Girl Utena and its characters are copyright by
Software Sculptors.
        Author avatars belong to their respective authors.

MISTING CLASSIFICATION

[MST]:    Meta-Misting - Misting Of A Misting, Or A Unusual Misting
          The misting was completely improvised; see the ImproFicRoast
          home page for more details. 

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

Somewhere else was a lair. Greatly hidden in the depths of urbania, it was
the dwelling of one of the last great geniuses of our times, an unhinged
mind of one who could be the grandest savior or most terrifying destroyer
the world had ever beheld.

Or so his business cards said. It's easy to brag when one can write one's
own material.

"Three of Bamboo."

"Mah-Jong."

"Damn you!"

Jonatan Streith (Diplomacied mad scientist, talented writer, mint-scented
anarchist, agnostic, grand lover, high inquisitor, wikkid adventurer, lord
of the dance, spoony bard, master Mah-Jong player, disgruntled postal
worker and outrageous liar, call 070-4629663737 and ask for 'fnord')
casually tipped over his set of ivory pieces and smiled broadly. "It would
seem that I win again, dear Ushiko."

The buxom assistant in question pouted and tipped over her own pieces. "You
had the white dragons all this time? That's not fair."

"When have I ever been fair?" Jonatan mused. "You just need to improve your
game play a bit, love."

"That won't happen if we stick to just this game." She shook her deep-pink
bangs. "Can't we play another game?"

"Hmm..." Jonatan rubbed his chin thoughtfully and absentmindedly tossed a
dart at one of the Osmond members superglued to the wall. It struck a
bullseye, prompting a scream from the subdued musician. But no one cared.
Gee, aren't we cruel?

Jonatan grinned malevolently, unlike normally, when he'd just grin
benevolently (and somewhat patronisingly, but that came naturally) "Let's
do so. This game is called..." He grinned. "'Getting a group of people
trapped in Torture Theater and force them to watch bad fanfiction'."

"That place that I constantly have to spring you from?" Ushiko looked
dubious. "I dunno..."

Jonatan leapt to his feet. "Oh, do relax. It'll be fun, I promise. I'll get
the 'fic, you get me..." He searched his mind for suitable candidates.
"...Zeek, Mark, Skribulous and NeoVid, Ranma X, and that girl... S.D.
Ryukage, too. They should make for one most eclectic crowd."

"All of those? I might need to call in some assistance."

Jonatan just shrugged, unconcerned with the means to which the girl would
obtain the 'guests'. "Do as you find appropriate, Ushi-chan. That's the
style I like. Remember, Torture Theater at three!" He gave her a peck on
the cheek and left.

"As I find appropriate, eh?" She nervously flicked her tail and picked up
the phone. "I might call in some favors from the Neobunnies..."

                                *  *  *

Zeek wandered through some woods, south of Graal, near a place linking the
worlds. 

"Quiet day, glad to be close to home again, away from that place," he
noted. He exited the portal to see a bunny jumping out of the bushes. "Eh?
I didn't know rabbits existed here..."

"They do now."

"Huh?" Zeek looked up to see a three-foot tall bunny in front of the
portal. The white-furred creature was brandishing a wicked-looking scimitar
and a round wooden shield. Behind him were its similarly-armed and
similarly-furry companions.

"Oh, geez. This has to be a joke," Zeek said, taking a step back.

"I'm Bugs. BARBARIAN BUNNIES CHARGE!!!" the lead rabbit yelled, hopping
towards Zeek.

Zeek pulled out his blade and began cutting as the rabbits began coming out
of the woodwork, towards him. Sword struck against sword, bounced off
shields, and cut through furred flesh. Several of the Barbarian Bunnies
fell before Zeek's superior skill. But the bunnies still had advantage in
numbers, and it wasn't long before they knocked Zeek down and swarmed
him...

"Nothing is more humiliating than being beaten by bunches of bunnies..."
Zeek muttered before he passed out.

                                *  *  *

Somewhere else was a lair. Greatly hidden in the depths of urbania, it was
the dwelling of one of the last great geniuses of our times, an unhinged
mind of one who could be the grandest savior or most terrifying destroyer
the world had ever beheld.

(...Wait, this is just a cut and paste job. The IFR Studios people weren't
kidding when they said they are currently on a shoestring budget.) 

On the OTHER side of the world, at a place far, far away...

(There, that's better.) 

Said young man was sitting in front of his computer performing a random
sampling of data contained in the information superhighway as a form of
time and stress management (read as: idly surfing the net to pass the break
time). He was currently reworking one of his projects hanging around along
with several others when he heard a sound at the entrance. Not quite a
knock, it was what seemed to be light scrabbling, which intrigued him. 

"If that's my family outside, I'm not hungry," he yelled back in response.
"If not, you can leave the tribute at the entrance, I'll get to it later.
Oh, and if NeoVid or Sei sent you, tell him I won't take your bait, even
if you *are* a young, nubile, blue-haired vi--"

"Skribulous!" a voice, which definitely was not anyone the young man knew
before, replied. "He who is also known as: D' Phat Dragon Scribe; the
Dragon Druid; the Champion of the Green; the Burnt-Out Savant; the
Disgruntled Cleric, the--" 

"Geez, is he going to rattle of every single title I ever held?" Skrib
groused. 

                                *  *  *

"You know, if I hadn't been interrupted in the middle of Sakura Wars, I'd
be having a lot of fun with this."

NeoVid was busy facing down a three-foot, 85-pound bunny. In an army
colonel's uniform. With a monocle. And an accent exactly like Colonel
Klink.

"Zo, Herr NeoVid, vill you come qvietly, or do ve have to use force?" the
bunny asked. It was sort of intimidating, in a cute, fluffy way.

NeoVid raised an eyebrow at the sneering rabbit. "Man. Other species are
mutating into Plot Nazis now..."

The rabbit stomped the ground in frustration. Rabbits are good at that.
"Ze 'Plot Nazis' are mere zshadows ov our glory! You vill not-"

"Are you here for a reason?" NeoVid interrupted. "Or are you just a
harebrained dunce?"

The bunny winced. "ARGH! Your humor iz zo painful!"

"Zo, I mean, so, puns are your weakness..."

"No, the fact that you like puns zshows that you are weak and-"

"Gee, I guess you aren't just harebrained, you're Herrbrained!"

"AIIEEE!!"

"Get ready to be rabbit-punched!"

Trying to ignore the sudden internal bleeding, the Reich Bunny drew his
Mauser.

NeoVid scratched his chin, considering. "Shouldn't you be using a
Rabbiter?"

"You... ge... GET HIM!"

NeoVid was jumped by the Bunny Gestapo, who tied him up in a triple
layered steel mesh net, and carried him off.

"Hey, what else can you do like rabbits-"

*POW*

"Ouch."

                                *  *  *

*Click*

"--and latest news state that Estrada is still insa--"

*Click*

"--eorge is not, I repeat not, ga--"

*Click*

"--You're not Sylvia! You're one of the kung fu creatures on a rampa--"

*Click*

The television screen died as Mark laid down the remote control, stretched
his arms, and yawned.

"Darn! It's boring apartment-sitting for Kate. I thought she'd be back by
now," he muttered to himself. Rubbing his eyes, he leaned back on the couch
and stared at the ceiling...

... where a small figure in a matte black ninja costume was hanging.

"What the?!" Mark yelled as the figure dropped down in front of the couch
and, with lightning speed, threw three objects at him. The objects whizzed
straight towards the surprised youth.

Mark blinked and found that he couldn't move his arms. He looked at his
shirt to see his shirt sleeves pinned to the wall by orange darts. A third
dart was lodged in the wall immediately above his head.

The figure slowly stood up straight to inspect his handiwork and Mark
blinked when he saw two white rabbit ears folded back on the figure's head.

"I'm being assaulted by a ninja rabbit?" he muttered incredulously. He
stared at the orange darts. "Carrots?" 

The Ninja Bunny nodded, hopped over to Mark, and plucked the dart embedded
near his head. It brought it under its face mask and munched on the
vegetable. 

The captive author yelled out, "All right, guys! This is a cute joke and
all, but it isn't funny! Take the bunny and go! Sig? R. Jak? Vid? W4? Jon?"

"I must say you are mistaken, my prey," the ninja said as he peeled down
his face mask. "This is not, as you say, a joke. This is most serious,
indeed," the Ninja Bunny intoned.

Mark frowned. "Can I ask a favor?"

"What is your last request, o unworthy adversary?"

"Speak a little slower. I can't read the subtitles fast enough."

The Bunny looked down at the floating white text in front of them and
batted them away. The words flew around in circles before disappearing. 

The Ninja Bunny replaced his face mask and reached behind it. It withdrew a
large mallet.

"I hate getting knocked out," Mark grumbled.

"Noted, lowly one."

*KA-BOONG!*

                                *  *  *

"--the Guy I Once Met While Playing Parcheesi In The Park On A Rainy Day;
the Silly Rabbit; and the Author with Way Too Many Titles For His Own
Good." 

"Is it over?" Skrib yawned. "That was thorough. I really wish Woofer would
stop giving me all those silly titles." 

Having already closed down his workplace for the day, Skrib casually
sauntered out of his home, his hands in the pockets of his board shorts.
"Wassup?" He looked around, momentarily confused. "Strange... there's no
one here." 

"Look down here, stupid!" The non-human voice from earier squeaked from
below him at a level below his waist. 

Skrib did so, and followed it up with a doubletake. In front of him was a
huge white bunny standing on his hind legs. Huge compared to regular
rabbits, since this one was almost four times larger. 

Said bunny gave him the [Glare]. "Come with us quietly and we won't have
to take extreme measures." 

"Shouldn't that be 'Come with us quietly and no one gets hurt'?" Skrib
offered as he idly adjusted his tropical polo shirt, while he brushed away
a stray bang of dark curly hair from his dark eyes. 

(Damn Wind That Picks Up During Cinematic Moments.) 

The bunny twitched. "Don't press your luck, mister. You don't want us to
take drastic action." 

Skrib smirked. "This is an abduction? Oh, please." 

"So, will you come with us now?" The furry thing asked. 

"And what if I say no?" 

The bunny smiled. It was not a nice smile. "Then I will do this." 

As Skrib watched, the rabbit slowly grew... and grew... and grew... and
grew. He could barely make out tips of the ears of the now huge lop. 

"FOR! I! AM! NOOOOW! TIITTTAAAANNNNN! BUUNNNNYYYYYY!" 

"How cliche." Skrib stretched and yawned. 

Howling, the huge rabbit drove a huge foot forward, intent on crushing the
impudent smartmouth below him. Rage turned to surprise, however, when his
foot was stopped in mid-stomp by something holding it back.

"Tsk, tsk," Skrib commented, flexing his right arm while his left hand held
back the inrushing foot. He then slowly grew in size as he assumed his
Dragonform. The Dragon (which looked like the product of a one-night fling
by a Dragonite and Godzilla's kid) looked down at the Titanbunny. "Can you
fly?" 

"..." 

"Here's a demonstration." With that, Skrib punt-kicked the Titan Bunny over
the horizon. "Ah, beautiful form, excellent trajectory--what's this?" 

Skrib noted the familiar white shape approaching him from the distance.
"Come back for more, huh? ...Oh crap." 

This was when he realized that Titanbunny was not approaching him yet. 

It was still growing. 

The mountainrange was blanketed with darkness even if it was noon. 

"This... will be painful." Skrib grimaced. 

                                *  *  *

Ranma X. had finally woken up after several days in the fetal position
suffering from the previous torture session. It was a grey, dark day, but
Ranma X. was too happy in being conscious that he didn't notice the evil,
bloodied, upside-down pentagram in the sky.

That of course was until the undead zombie rabbits appeared all around him.

"Garrrrgghghhhh.." The broken, bloodstained, and oddly enough, flattened
bunnies uttered as bits of mangled flesh fell from their forms.

"The hell?" Ranma X. said. He looked confused as he walked up and poked
the bunnies to see if they were real. The Blood Bunnies would have
sweatdropped, if they were capable of it. Instead they approached the
author, bloody paws held out in front of them.

"Wow, I must be hallucinating or something. Undead rabbits? Great, they'll
probably try to hurt me and..." Ranma X. blinked as he saw the horde
approach. Moments before they all leapt at him.

Forced on the ground as the zombie rabbits beat him senselessly, he was
only able to scream:

"In the name of Bunnicula, stop it! *Ow* My spleen!"

Before a solid blow to the temple knocked him out.

"Whiner," One of the Blood Bunnies muttered as they dragged Ranma X.'s
body away.

                                *  *  *

Anyone present in the Nexus at that moment would have been treated to a
very surprising sight.

Namely, S.D. Ryukage standing in front of a SNES and TV, ranting at the
screen, which depicted a disturbingly cute/feminine teenage boy with blond
hair and *far* too large blue eyes.

"Damn you, Marcel! I would've *won* that heart if not for you! I *needed*
that!"

She continued in this vein until something crashed through the wall behind
her. S.D. started to turn around. "Ari, how many times have I told you..."
She trailed off and blinked. Repeatedly.

A three-foot tall rabbit made completely of metal and electronics that
looked as if they came straight from a junk shop stood before her. The
rabbit's eyes glowed bright red.

"Are you," it began in a thick Austrian accent, then paused and looked at
a note written on its paw. "Connor, John?"

S.D. blinked again. "No."

"Oh," the thing said in monotone, though with the same accent. It hopped
towards a hole in the wall, then turned its head towards S.D. again. "I'll
be back. Hasta la Vista, baby," it warned with an accent, before jumping
out.

S.D. rubbed her temples. "Remind me to kill Arion next time I see her."
She glared at the hole, then sighed. 

Suddenly, the creature hopped in again through the window. "I'm back,"
it said in the same monotone. "Are you" --he raised his left paw and read
the other note-- "Ryukage, S.D.?"

"hai," S.D. deadpanned in what was either a mockery of the Ternimator
Bunny or Rei Ayanami taking over briefly.

"I'm" --the creature paused for a full twenty seconds--"Ahnold. I have
come to" --the creature raised huge gun-- "terminate."

"an angel. my orders are to kill." Definitely Rei Ayanami. This was proven
by a flash of light and a transformation into said pilot, plugsuit and all.

Of course, the downside of this was that S.D./Rei had no sword, no magic,
and no EVA-00. The creature fired.

The upshot was that her reflexes were still enough to avoid the worst,
making the blast simply knock her out. "Ahnold" hefted the unconscious
S.D./Rei over its shoulder and walked out through the hole. It paused,
turned around, and blasted the sickeningly cute image on the screen.

"I'll be back."

                                *  *  *

Inside the Torture Theater, activity like nothing it had ever seen before
was taking place. To be specific, it was full of bunnies.

REALLY full of bunnies. A patrol of SS Saturn's finest Reich Bunnies were
keeping watch, Reichsplatters in their paws. In the corner, three Punk
Bunnies were cranking out loud music. In the control booth, a pack of
Cyber Bunny hackers were putting the final touches on the security system.
And by the main theater doors stood an ominous Atom Bunny for final
measure. It glowed eerily from radioactivity and gave off a faint hum.

The exit door opened and the prone form of Skribulous, back in his human
form, was unceremoniously booted inside, landing in a groaning heap on the
floor. As the door swung closed, the rumble of huge footfalls could be
heard outside.

A sinister Cult Bunny looked up from the Liber Paginaris he held. "Oh...
the first prisoner. Yes..." He hopped over and started drawing a
ritualistic circle around Skrib.

"Oh, good," an Evil Bunny commented, hopping up to the Cultist. "I was
thinking we'd be here all day. AND PIPE DOWN THAT RACKET!" he shouted at
the Punk Bunnies. The bunny noisemakers just turned up the music further.

The doors opened a mere fraction, and a shadow flitted through. The other
bunnies noticed nothing until Mark Poa crashed to the floor; no one
noticed the Ninja Bunny when it didn't want them to.

Up in the control booth, the noise had reached other people's ears as well
as W4, the mad author, entered and took in the sight before him. The Cyber
Bunnies looked back at him.

"All right, what's the big--SWEET KIM! What's going on here!?"

"Attention, citizen," an authorative voice said from somewhere around his
knees. "Proceed no further."

W4 lowered his gaze. Standing at his feet was yet another bunny, this one
dressed as Mega-City's finest. "Who... WHAT are you?"

"I am the Law."

"..." W4 said. The Judge Bunny held his position.

The control chair spun around, revealing its occupant. "Woofer! Hi!"
Jonatan exclaimed, waving cheerfully across the bunny crowds. Through the
window could be seen the pack of Battle Bunnies dragging a sedated Zeek
into the room and dumping him next to Skrib. Jonatan stood up and walked
over to W4. "So nice to see you! What have you been up to lately?"

"Jon, why is there bunnies in my theater?" W4 asked tersely. The door to
the cellar swung open and the Blood Bunnies added Ranma X to the group.
Not to mention tracking lots of blood on the floor.

Ranma X. woke up then saying, "I died and went to fanfic hell again,
didn't I?"

"I've started on this new project, you should see it," Jonatan cheerfully
babbled on. "It's in a fantasy setting, and features lots of--"

"THE BUNNIES."

"What?" Jonatan looked confused for a second, then realization struck
home. "Oh, you act like you haven't seen dozens of large, armed bunnies
taking over your house before. I believe my assistant hired them."

"Your assistant?"

"Yep. May I introduce you to Ushiko?" He made a sweeping gesture, as a
shapely young girl with purplish-pink hair and dressed in a cow-pattern
dress stepped out from behind a group of concealing Shadow Bunnies.

Ushiko curtsied gently. "Hello. You're the famous Dr. Kichigaisakka, yes?"

"Um... uh... yes?" Woofer managed to get out, being as he was rather shook
up over having an attractive girl show up without warning like that.

She giggled. "Well, I'm Doctor Streith's assistant, Ushiko."

"Doctor?"

"Have I never told you?" Jonatan asked, looking rather surprised. "I took
the Doctor's Exam in mad science... Spring '99, I believe, at the Forrester
Institute. I had the greatest lab partner ever. By the way, you never told
me where you got your degree."

"Yes, you're a mad scientist too, aren't you? Was it a long education?"
Ushiko asked.

"Uh, that is--" He was saved from the embarrassment by the sight of a
particularily notorious individual being dragged into the theater. "Hey,
that's NeoVid!" Then he noticed the pile on the floor. "And Skrib, and
Zeek! And--"

"Oh, I forgot to mention. We're taking over Torture Theater."

"WHAT?!" Woofer exclaimed. "You?! But... the paper work... the costs...
not to mention cleaning up this mess!"

"Something the matter?"

"Why didn't you book ahead?!"

"That's dull." He turned to his assistant. "Ushiko, be a dear and use
your female wiles on him."

"Okay..." Ushiko paused to run a list of her female wiles through her
head. She then snagged a passing bunny and clouted Woofer with it. Man
and bunny went out like candles.

"...That works," Jonatan agreed. "Put him in a closet somewhere, why don't
you?" Leaving his assistant to do the dirty work, he walked over to the
main camera to adress the gathered unfortunates. 

"How are you gentlemen!" Jonatan welcomed. "Having a good time?"

After that went through the partly-conscious minds of the kidnappees, they
all came to the same conclusion. "'How are you gentlemen?' We've been
captured by CATS?" 

Some nearby bunnies glared at them. "Do we look like cats to you?"

Ranma X. said flatly, "As long as I don't hear 'All your base are belong
to us' I couldn't care less."

"'We are on our way to destruction'," Skrib mumbled as he slowly came to.
"'We have no chance to survive make our t--'" >KLANG!< 

Ranma X. withdrew his Battle Spatula. "Dammit you, stop that." 

"Sorry..." 

NeoVid looked up at the Fairly Big Screen. "No, wait... it's Jonny!"

"Whoa," Skrib Keanu'ed. 

"We've been kidnapped by Yanni? NOOO!!" Mark over-acted.

"Who?" Zeek looked at Mark. "You've been watching too much crap haven't
you... Hey! Who glued the hilt of my sword to the sheath!"

Teacher Bunny whacked Zeek's hand with a ruler. Zeek removed his hand from
the sword hilt with a yelp.

"And it serves you right, you naughty delinquent student!" Teacher Bunny
scolded. "Now, stop playing with your sword and listen to the good doctor!"

Zeek glared at the Teacher Bunny but balked when the Reich Bunnies trained
their weapons at him.

Skrib and Ranma X. tried to hide their giggles.

"You sent... bunnies after us," Mark said. "I know I should be surprised,
but somehow I'm not."

"Ooooh! It was Bunnies! That's what I was doing wrong, wasn't it!"
Ranma X. said suddenly.

"Like them?" Jonatan asked, smiling. "They're pretty useful. And there's
just one more..."

On cue, the doors crashed open, a metallic silhouette gleaming in the
shadows. The Terminator Bunny hopped in with the rhythmic sound of metal
paws against the floor, a slender and plugsuited figure in its arms. It
hopped up to the screen. "Mission accomplished."

"...that's Rei Ayanami," Jonatan deadpanned.

"Ayanami-chan!" Hearts in his eyes, Skrib dove towards the girl in the
plugsuit before being bopped on the head with the mallet of the Ninja
Bunny. 

"Negative. Subject is S.D. Ryukage."

"Oro?" Skrib rubbed the bump on his head. 

"Hmm... oh, it IS her," Jonatan realized. "Strange girl and her strange
transformations. Well, dump her with the others."

Unfortunately, the Terminator bunny took this rather literally. 'Rei' woke
up as soon as she landed... on the fallen Skrib's head. Fortunately for
S.D., she also changed back to normal half-drow, half-dragon.

S.D. stood up, sighed, and monotoned, "Here again. Wai. Wai."

"...please... get off... me... can't breathe..." Skrib gritted out his
Shatner impression. 

SD blinked and stepped to the side as Mark went to help Skrib up.

Jonatan coughed before continuing. "Well, now that we're all gathered
here... the reason you're here--"

"You're going to show us bad fanfiction," NeoVid interrupted.

"You're going to probably tear down our will to live," Mark added.

"And you're going to have fun doing it too," Skrib said.

"...yes. Honestly, can't I be allowed a slight moment of drama?" Jonatan
muttered, irritated. 

"No." Zeek deadpanned.

"No." S.D. Ryukage added.

"Hell no!" Ranma X. said.

"Jeez... your fic today will be 'Screw With All People For Power', and it
takes the surrealistic story of 'Revolutionary Girl Utena' and wrecks it
with lead pipes. Oh, and it features bad SI, too."

A chorus of groans were heard from the victims.

"Oh, gods, it's another bad BSHB ripoff..." S.D. muttered. Then she raised
her voice. "Isn't the Satellite of Revolution supposed to handle those?"

"Usually. I guess Jon signed for the same service package," Ranma X. said.

This earned her a round of blank looks.

"...never mind," S.D. sighed.

"Hey, how come you seem fine with this?" Skrib noted Mark's indifference.

Mark shrugged. "After house-sitting for Kate with nothing to watch but
CNN, I don't think anything can be worse."

"...And we'll start the session with a complimentary Thinkerfic!" Jonatan
added cheerfully.

Surprised looks.

"But we like those!" Skrib exclaimed. "Well, maybe not *like*, but they
sure as heck ain't as bad as most..."

Jonatan nodded. "Yes. Yet another step to wear down your defenses, as is
the free snacks that will be served during the fic." He smiled smugly,
ignoring the fact that he had just explained his psychological tactics.

"Hey, Jonatan, will you give out dead black glasses too? So dark you can't
see through them?" Zeek looked up.

"...right," S.D. deadpanned. "He usually this bad when he's evil?"

"Well, he wasn't hiring bunnies to do his bidding last time," NeoVid
replied. "Could be worse. Coulda been an army of evil plushies."

"Plushies?" Mark queried.

"You don't want to know," NeoVid replied. 

Ranma X. simply shuddered.

"Guess there's nothing to do..." Mark mumbled. "And these bunnies all
around us is starting to give me the creeps. WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!"

"Thank Bahamut," Skrib commented idly as everyone filed into the theater.
"I was just getting a hankerin' for barbeque, too..." 

----------------------- DOORS -------------------------

6: A billboard advertising the new cereal: Rabbit Pellets! It's knocked
down before anyone can think about that joke too much.
5: A sign that looks like it's straight out of 'Paper Mario', with a
picture of several rabbits on it and the text, "Rabbits are good for you."
NeoVid taps the picture and the rabbits hop off the paper. S.D. and Skrib
have to be dragged to the next door.
4: A hovering sign in the air, where the door should be, that says "This
door is out of order, please go through." As usual, with this, a
portcullis falls behind after everyones through.
3: A "No Entry" sign. NeoVid and Ranma X. charge their shoulders against
the sign to no avail. Mark sighs and goes to the side of the sign. He
pushes the sign, which rolls away sideways on small wheels. NeoVid and
Ranma X. grin sheepishly and shrug. The group goes through.
2: A large poster with the Trix Rabbit. you can read only get to the part
of the slogan "Silly Rabbit Trix are for -" before Zeek finally rips his
sword out of the sheath and cuts the sign to ribbons.
1: A wall made out of asbestos. Skrib glares at the reader, muttering
"very funny", as the others blow the wall to smithereens. 
-------------------------------------------------------

Mark: (Turns to S.D.) By the way, we haven't been introduced, name's Mark.
(Extends hand)
S.D.: (shakes Mark's hand) Shadow Dragon Ryukage, but you can call me S.D.
or Ryukage.
Mark: S.D.? Doesn't that stand for Super De--
(Mark notices the battle aura rising from the drow.)
Mark: --structive person?
(S.D.'s aura diminishes.)
S.D.: No, it just stands for Shadow Dragon. (Sits down)
Skrib: (Whispers to Mark) Nice save.
Mark: (Whispers back) Good thing I had experience handling hotheaded girls
in high school. (Sweatdrops)
Skrib: Amen, kabayan. (claps Mark's back) 
S.D.: What was that? 
Both: Oh, nothing. (whistles innocently) 

> POKEMON OAV Part 5- "Trouble on the Grass" by Dr. >Thinker 

Zeek: When you do that much grass, there's always got to be trouble.
Ranma X.: Wonder if pokemon trainers have to pass random drug screenings...
(pauses, thinks of Ash) ...probably not, now that I think about it. 
(Flash, S.D. becomes Ash Ketchum.)
A.Ketchum [loud whiny voice]: Hey! I do not take drugs. 
(Flash, A.K. becomes S.D.)
S.D: I rest my case. 

> 
> ##############
> 

Mark: Please re-enter your password. 
(Skrib mimics typing. NeoVid mimics looking over his shoulder.)
NeoVid: I knew it! I knew it! I have Skrib's password!
Mark: What is it?
NeoVid: Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk.
(Skrib does a rimshot.)
Ranma X: (rubbing temples) Guys!

> Ash Ketchum is in

NeoVid: --credibly simpleminded.

> Lavander Town, home to the Ghost Pokemons. Ash 
> notes it's been at least 4-5 days since the last. Ash had come out 

S.D.: --of the closet. (pauses) (facepalms) [mutters] I hate ShiShi...
Mark: Misty and Brock both had tried very hard to keep him from leaving.
NeoVid [Ash]: Gee, guys, why are you tying me up and placing garrote wire
to my throat?

> the Rock Tunnel just recently and meet Mrs. Fuji. Mrs. Fuiji told 

Ranma X.: Of an illicit affair she had with a real mountain of a man.

> about a Cubone's mother, 

NeoVid: And got shot by pissed gangsta Cubones.

>by a ruthless Rocket members. Mr. Fuiji 
> found out and want up to see what's up. But he can't a Channeler 
> block the way, 

Zeek: That's what Mr. Fuji gets for pissing off a mage.

> tell that uncatchable ghost at the seven floor. He 
> need to the Sliph Scope. 

NeoVid [Brock]: Whoa... scope out that slip!

>Mrs. Fuiji tells two big things in the 

Zeek: I don't even want to hear a lemon joke here, if I hear one...
NeoVid: Hack 'n slash? Right? 
(Zeek nods.)
Skrib [Narrator]: ...soup. And he was pretty sure he ordered cabbage soup,
not beef stew. 
S.D.: Maybe it was Limburger Cheese stew.
OTHER RIFFERS: PEEEE-UUUUU!!!

> closest city, Celedon. The Gym and the Game Center. 

Ranma X: And what games are in the Game Center of a Pokemon game?
Neovid: Monster Rancher!
Skrib: Digimon!
Mark: Princess Maker!
(All stare at Mark.)
Mark: What?

> Ash hikes that way, and take to the Celedon. He smells planets, 

Skrib: Does Ur-- 
Mark: NO, Skrib. >_< 
NeoVid: It's completely made of garbage!

> roses, tulips, buttercap 

Zeek: --nebulas, stars--
Ranma X: --poppies, ganja, peyote--
S.D.: --amaranth, valerian, vervain--
Skrib: --humus, guano, hashish--
Mark: Roses, tulips, buttercap-- when the Power Puff Girls disbanded and a
new team was formed.

>and anyelse in between those three. He first 
> stop is a building with out calling.

Zeek: Out calling is sort of like pig calling, but you can't roast outs.

> He sees a Rocket member in the building. After defeating him. He 

Mark: --wonders how the hell he did that so easily.
Skrib: Probably because Ash fought him in the toilet. 
Neovid: Caught with their pants down. How embarrasing. 

> founds the headquaters of Team Rocket. Ash fighting a few members 
> founds a meeting room, 

S.D.: Now known as the Ketchum Meeting Room.

>where a man was looking over a few Pokemon 
> with his own Pokemon.

Skrib [Man]: Hmmm... this pokemon needs... an ENEMA!

> 
> Ash look at him. Then the boss of Team Rocket 

NeoVid: --refused to have anything to do with this story.

>saw him.
> 
> "You the KID that MESS UP by HEADQUATERS! I'm GET YOU or my name 
> isn't GIONNAVI!!!!"

Ranma X.: Almost makes me wish I was playing Zero Wing.
Zeek: Yeah, shame when a mistranslated Japanese game is more coherent than
this garbage. 
S.D.: (blinks) I thought it was impossible to get a Pokemon game character
OOC... looks like I was wrong.
Zeek: You can get everything IC object OOC...trust me, I know.
NeoVid: How?
Zeek: Make a stupid story. 
(Other riffers facefault.)
Mark: (Rubbing his forehead) Ouch! Why'd we facefault like that?
Skrib: It was like something came over us and made us OOC.
(All look around and shudder.)

> Ash send's Gionnavi's to the

Mark: --penalty box for excessive checking.

> healing room. "Why here?"

Ranma X: Why not?
NeoVid: What me worry?

> "It's like Las Vega!" 

NeoVid: Vincent and Victor Vega?
Mark: Someone's been watching too much Tarantino recently.

>Gionnavi stated as he disappear living behind 

Mark: The new supervillian, The Living Behind. (Facepalms) ...I can't
believe I made that joke.

> few items, including a strange machine.

Mark [Doctor Evil]: It's called... a "laser." (Makes quotes with fingers)
Zeek: It might be the machine that goes bing...
Ranma X: ... or a dilithium crystal chamber...
S.D.: ... or the Tardis...
Skrib: ... or a specially modified dil--
Zeek: (Unsheathes sword halfway) Say it and die.
Skrib: *grumble, grumble*

> Ash founds that a few Grass trainer 

Ranma X [grass trainer]: This weed is gonna sit up and beg, man... Can't
you see it?

>from the Police Officers in this 
> city, hoping to catch Gionnavi in mid-battle. 
> 
> Ash figures out that a Gym Leader might note at that

NeoVid: And we'll be sure to.

> 
> Ash fights his way with his Pokemon against lady trainers, cool 
> traineress, Jr. trainers and the Lasses and Beatuties and founds a 
> small 

Zeek: And thus, the 8th wonder of the world is created, it's called a
small.
Mark: It has been rapidly expanding because their natural enemies,
the bigs, were becoming endangered.

> with small hole. With a pit of water below the hole. On the 
> other side is the Leader know a Erika. Ash flashes back to 

Ranma X.: The day his mother told him his life was a lie and a cruel joke.
S.D. [Ash's mom]: You're really a girl.
Skrib [Ash, squeaky voice]: I am? Ohmygod, my voice just changed! 

>the sign 
> outside:

NeoVid [exact Ash]: It's a Sign... (kneels)
Mark [Voice from Sign]: Ash, you must embark on a quest for the Holy Grail!
NeoVid [Ash]: The Goldy Hail?
Mark [Voice]: No, the Holy Grail.
NeoVid [Ash]: The Moldy Tail?
Mark [Voice]: No, I... oh, I give up! Just be a Pokemon Trainer. 

> Erika is what you might call a small shy girl, becuase she was 
> ready shy around man and woman. Lucky, I got help from the woman. 

Skrib: You can read all about that help in Playboy. Or Penthouse. Or
Cosmopolitan. Or Hustler. Or... 
Neovid: Wait. COSMOPOLITAN?!? 
Skrib: Whoops, did that slip out? (sweatdrops) 
Zeek: That's it. 
(Zeek jumps on Skrib, but misses and lands on S.D., who unsheathes the
Masamune and tries to slice Zeek in half. He vanishes and reappears
unharmed in his own seat.)
(Others blink at Zeek.)
Skrib: How?
Zeek: Ninja Illusions. 
(S.D. rolls her eyes and re-sheathes the Masamune)

> She's not that spy around females and young males. She is quiet 
> peacefuly, unless you want a Rainbow badge.
> 
> Sign The D. Man

NeoVid: You are on the way to D. Struction.
Zeek: And D. Vestation.
Ranma X: Basically, anything that starts with 'D' and ends with 'tion.'
Mark: No, you can still be D. Vored.
S.D.: Sometimes, they can also succumb to D. Mentia.
Skrib: What I enjoy most is when someone gets a big D. Sire to... (goofy
grin)
Zeek: Say it and D. Sipate.
Skrib: Don't D. Test me because I'm beautiful.
{Zeek takes a swipe at Skrib, who flies away.)
Mark: I think he just barely escaped from D. Capitation.
(Audible groaning is heard.)

> Ash makes his way the room. "Erika! I want to battle you!"

NeoVid [exact Ash]: Yeah, that's it... battle...

> 
> Erika stops her staying into a space for toss her Pokemon to battle 
> against Ash's Fearrow, but her Pokemon are Pokemon.

NeoVid: Are pokemon are Pokemon are Pokemon are Pokemon are Pokemon are
Pokemon are Pokemon...
Mark: Hit him on the head, I think he's stuck.
[Ranma X whomps NeoVid flat with his spatula.]
Mark: (Sweatdropping) I didn't mean that hard.
NeoVid [flatly]: I feel fine.

> "I like a just feel like I'm in love with a boy!" shouted 

Zeek: --James.

>Erika

S.D. [Erika]: But maybe I just love this pencil, or that gazebo over there!
Skrib: The gazebo's here too? 
S.D.: (nodding sagely) Yeah, they're everywhere. 

> 
> 
> This thing send shock aways thought the Grass Gym! 
> 

Ranma X (grass gym): Now, what do I do with all these shock aways I didn't
order?

> 
> Ash ask "Who?"
> "The only boy right here now." replied Erika. "You know it's is only 
> a girl gym."

Mark [Homer]: A gayme? What's a gayme?

> Ash takes a clue 

S.D: The first one he ever had in his life.

>to exit the gym. But one of the Lass mention that 
> she is expect at Pokemon history, and note the strange machine he 
> stuffed in his pocket is a Sliph Scope. 

Skrib: Hey, Ash, aren't you forgetting something? 
Zeek: Wait till the end of this Thinker series when Ash realizes he's just
been had by Erika, cause no badge was handed over.

> 
> Ash makes very quick back to the the Lavander Town, and up thought 
> the Ghost Tower, 

NeoVid [ghost tower]: Now I'll think something else... let's see... "Down."

>to meet four Team Rocket member. The Rocket 
> Brothers,

S.D.: Larry, Darryl, and his other brother Darryl.
NeoVid: They said four Rockets.
S.D.: ...and his other, other brother Darryl.

> Ronald, Rick, Thomas, and Tony. 

Ranma X.: Oh no! Thomas Dolby and Tony Danza joined up with Ronald
McDonald and that guy from 'Silver Spoons'!

>Ash cleans their Pokemon's 
> clock 

Skrib [Ash]: That'll be five-fifty for each clock. You guys really
shouldn't let your pokemon dunk their alarm clocks in water.

>and feel Mr. Fuiji is found the huge ghost is sleeping. 
> 
> Ash quietly look he Sliph Scope on the ghost as ghost formation into 
> it's last read version......A MARROK, a evloved from of Cubone with 
> all six Pokemon,

Mark: So add six Pokemon together and you get a Marrok?
Skrib: So when did we cross over to Voltron? 

> Ash defeats Marrok and Mr. Fuij thanks him for 
> doing his job. Ash gets the Pokeflute and Ash ask Fuiji for the next 
> gym. Ash discovers Wartortise is 

Ranma X: --revolting?

>evolving into a Blastortie. 

NeoVid: Blastortilla. It's what they make tacos with in the Pokeverse.


> 
> Ash runs south to the Fuisha City. 

NeoVid [effete Ash]: God, I love fashion! I'm so super!
Zeek: Ashy boy suuure loves his pastels.

> ###############################################

Skrib: Intermission by the Pound Sign Chorus!
Mark [announcer]: The next number will be the Asterisks Symphony
performing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star." 
Zeek: Followed by the At symbol performing "E-Mail".
(All riffers blink.)
Ranma X: What?
Zeek: (shakes head) I don't know where that one came from.

> “Yes!” screamed a someone… it was WAY 

Mark [Bill]: WAY!
NeoVid [Ted]: No way!
Mark [Bill] Way heinous, dude!
NeoVid [Ted]: Most non-triumphant, my excellent friend.

>to dark to see who this someone 
> was…because the lights were off, and because reads can’t see in 
> infrared. 

Skrib: Anyone catch that last sentence? 
Mark: No. 
Neovid: Nada. 
Zeek: Nope. 
Ranma X: Hell, no. 
Skrib: Just checking. 
S.D. [absently]: "'Yes!' screamed someone. It was far too dark to tell
just who this 'someone' was, because the lights were off, and because the
readers can't see in infrared."
Skrib: ...

> “I have done it! EUREAKA” 

NeoVid: Well, you reeka, too!

>Yes, she had done it, and if she 
> would turn the damned lights on the reader would be able to see what 
> she had done.

S.D.: (looks up) They're riffing for us. Can we go now?
Jonatan [over intercom]: No.
(S.D. sighs)

> The lights flickered on, and a tall blue haired girl 
> (with her hair up in two tight buns on the sides of her head) 

Ranma X: So we'd be justified in calling her a butthead?
(Mark whaps Ranma X. on the back of the head.)
Mark: (Looks at hand) Whoops, sorry. It was a reflex action.
Ranma X: (Takes out spatula) Well, this isn't!
(Others hold back Ranma X. while Mark dodges the spatula strikes. Ranma X.
calms down after a few moments.)

>looked 
> around the room. 

Skrib: (spacing out) Kawaii... 
Mark: Get a hold of yourself! Appearances can be deceiving! 
Skrib: (shakes his head) Whoa. That was close. 

> Her lab coat was totally covered in chemicals, for 
> that matter so was everything else in the room. 

NeoVid: Oh. It's Jonatan's sister. 
Mark: Ah, everything's all clear now. 

> “I have done it!!!!! 

NeoVid: Take that line as you will. 

> KOTORI COME LOOK WHAT I HAVE DONE!!” she hollered out.
> 

Skrib: ... (sobs) Not Monou-chan... 
Ranma X: Hey, isn't she that psychic girl who was beheaded in that
movie...? 
Skrib: (sobs louder) *SOB!* ;_; 
(Flash. S.D. becomes Kotori. Unfortunately... it's dubbed Kotori)
Kotori: Oh, that was just a scratch. I'm all right now. See? (She ^_^s
and shows her neck wound.)
Skrib: (wails even louder) *WAAH!!!* ;_; ;_; ;_; 
(Flash. S.D. is back to normal)
S.D.: (noting stares) I bought the dub and gave it away last year.

> A door in the left hand corner of the room (that was not previously 
> described, but rather brought to life by the will of the person 
> wanting to get through it)

Zeek: Lets all go down to Eyrie... (rolls his eyes and sighs)
(Flash, S.D. becomes Frank N. Furter.)
Frank: Well, hello there, Dr. Scott. Or should I say...Dr. Von Scott?
(Flash, S.D. turns back to normal.)
Zeek: I never would've pegged you for a Rocky Horror fan...
S.D.: Tim Curry. (eyes glaze slightly)

> opened, and Kotori walked in. She looked 
> angry, as she had just been pulled away from an Utena episode. 

(Skrib is still bawling.) 
Mark: (wincing) Could someone please shut him up? 
Zeek & Ranma X: Will do! 
(Both Zeek & Ranma X wallop Skrib with their respective weapons.
Unfortunately, Mark was in the blast radius.) 
Mark: (slightly flattened) Ow. 
Zeek: Uh....oops? Sorry...Never knew my sword could do that.
Ranma X: Sorry 'bout that. You were in the way. 
Skrib: +_+ Monou-chan... 

> “What?” “I have just managed to dye my hair blue!”

NeoVid [unnamed character]: But I took a shower before the dye dried,
and now I look like a smurf!

> “Lovely… WHO CARES?” 

Mark: Geez, Skrib, stop overreacting. See? It's not even the same girl. 
Skrib: (wipes away tears) Ah... O-okay. I'll get over it. 

> “Well I do… I mean, it’s my hair and everything!” “Sigh…Sun, 
> I thought you did something important.” 

Zeek: There you go thinking again...

> “I did… I dyed my hair…” 

Mark [Sun]: Once it becomes red, it shall start to grow tomatoes and
benefit mankind! Mwahahahaha!

>“And 
> what of all your other projects?” “Oh those, they are in the back 
> room, I finished them a week or so ago.” “You are

Ranma X: --obviously evil, and must die!

> done?” With this 
> Kotori ripped across the room, to another previously undescribed 
> door, with a flash of gold hair… 

(Skrib goes tense, but other than gripping the seat armrests, manages to
keep his composure.) 

> she then ripped the door off its 
> hinges and landed in the room…there before her stood…

Zeek: Superman?
NeoVid: Mick Foley?
Mark: Anna Kournikova?
Skrib: A literary editor?
S.D.: Death?
Ranma X: Dea-- Hey, I was gonna say that!
(S.D. shrugs)

>a chair…

All: Awww!
(Mark gets out a pad and starts writing.)
Mark: Okay, everyone gets negative two points for that last one. I'm also
giving the author negative five points for excessive ellipses. (Puts away
the pad.)

>but 
> behind the chair stood 

Zeek: Super--(Pauses) Oh, yeah, we just did this a while ago. (Relaxes)

>a CROSS DIMENTIONAL PORTAL. 

NeoVid: AMAZING CAPS LOCK ACTION!
Ranma X: Quit speaking in all cap--
NeoVid: (quickly, to Ranma X) SHUT UP!
Ranma X: --s. Huh?

>“Neep” Kotori 
> squeaked in happiness. She then ran to the machine and expertly began 
> to push buttons 

Skrib [Kotori]: Oooh, what does this button do?
NeoVid [Dexter]: Dee De--er, Kotori, no!

>and lift levers…to no avail… 

NeoVid: There was no "the end," and the MSTers continued to endure the
story.
Zeek: It must be an interociter.

>it was not plugged 
> in…

(All facepalm)

>and on top of that Kotori had never seen a cross dimensional 
> portal before…maybe that is why she was operating a lawn mower.

(All facepalm again.)
Mark: Anyone else feel the authors are making fun of themselves?
Skrib: Ironic, isn't it?
Zeek: What's ironic?
Skrib: Oh, nothing.

> “Koto? Did you go to another party yesterday?” asked Sun walking 
> through a non-descriptive door. “No… I just ate a package of sugar…” 

Skrib [Sun]: Well, that's a relief. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO MY PRIVATE STASH
OF SWEETS?!?
Mark [Kotori]: That wasn't the package of sugar? 
Zeek: What are you two getting at? 

> “Then why are you so happy…for Pete’s sake… it is just a lil 1g 
> packet…” “Nope” said Kotori pulling a 4kg sugar package from 
> hyperspace (she got the lawn mower working)…. 

Skrib & Mark: Case closed. 
Zeek: I... see.
NeoVid: (peering closely) Hey, that's not sugar! I can tell what an empty
bag of crack looks like. 
Ranma X: Must be what the authors were on when they wrote this. 

> Oh by the way

Zeek [narrator]: --your shoes are untied.
(Other riffers look down at their shoes.)
Mark: (looking down) No, they're not.
Skrib: (looking down) I'm not wearing any.
NeoVid: (looking down) Ooh, a penny.
S.D.: (looking down) Mine don't have laces.
Ranma X: (looking down) Hey, you're right. (Ties shoelaces.)
Zeek: ... You all did that just to irritate me, didn't you? (Sulks)
(Others try to hide their giggles.)

> the 
> “packet” was empty…and one spoon fell from it when Kotori turned it 
> over. “DEAR GAWD” 

NeoVid [Kotori]: ... It's great! Uh-ooh! Ah! More! More! Ahhh! Ahh!
(Others stare at NeoVid.)
NeoVid: (noticing the stares) Didn't anyone of you see the Herbal Essences
commercial?
Others: (nodding) Ahhh...

>screamed Sun, as she walked into a chair. But it 
> was too late...the lawn mower, ripped through the fabric of time and 
> space, and Kotori was sent head over heals down the worm hole, or the 
> like.
> 

Mark: o/~ And I'm lost in space without you-whooo! o/~

> Kotri blinks, she flips her blond hair out of her face and looks 
> cautiously at the surroundings…it appears that she is in a bar…a 
> REALY smoky bar…. A really, smoky, drunken bar…. 

All: We get it already, story!

>A really smoky drunken bar, 

Zeek: Sheesh, here it goes again.
Ranma X: Yeah, what do we care if she's in a really smoky drunken bar...

>with Akio…. 

All [except S.D.]: Who?
S.D.: [as if reading from a biography] Akio Ohtori. Dean of Students for
Ohtori Academy. Engaged to Kanae Ohtori, older brother of Anthy Himemiya.
Suspected to be screwing everything breathing and on two legs, and at
least half of what isn't. Is definitely in bed with Seitokaichou Touga
Kiryuu, as well as his sister Anthy, and would like to bed Utena Tenjou.
Is also Dios. See also: Prince, Dios, Rose Bride, Anthy Himemiya, Million
Swords of Hate, Duelist, Akio-Car.
All [except S.D.]: ...
Mark: By the way, how can a bar get drunk?
(Others ponder this.)

>A really smoky drunken bar with Akio whom is 
> apparently drunk…

S.D.: (droning) Seeeen...it...seeen...it... (normal voice) Hey, maybe
they'll have Touga pole-dancing half-nude again. Or Jerry Springer on a
pogo stick being pulled from Anthy's chest.
(Long pause. Most of the other riffers stare blankly at her. S.D. smirks.)
Mark: (to Ranma X) You're getting behind on the "way out there" riffs.
She's (points to S.D.) catching up.

> Kotori does an understatement ‘oh oh”, 

Mark & Skrib: o/~...we're in trouble! Something's come along and it's
burst our bubble. Yeah yeah! o/~
NeoVid: And I will, in'correctly "punctuate all of my sentences!.

>she then 
> pulls a vile of weird purple stuff out of her hair and takes a gulp. 

S.D. [Sun]: Hey, Kotori, have you seen my 'Distilled Akio Pheromones'
anywhere? It's a vial...of...purple...ohshit.

> She decides that she will worry about its consequences on the rest of 
> her life later…right now, she is busy trying to keep a VERY 
> determined Akio, far, far away. 

Mark [Akio]: Was it my breath?

>“Hello…” she begins uneasily “I’m 
> Kotori…and I’m here to…ummm…ummm …ummm… take pictures?…yes that is 
> exactly why I’m here…I’m taking pictures, for my w-e-b-p-a-g-e……

Mark [Spider-man]: Hey, you remember the hyphen! Good, most people tend to
leave that out.

> y-e-s….that is it….hehe ….. so why don’t I just leave?” 

Zeek: Because that would be too merciful.

>she quickly 
> begins to back up, when she feels Akio’s hand on her shoulder. 

NeoVid [Kotori]: I think you lost this. (Tosses his right hand to Ranma X.)
(Ranma X catches the hand before realizing what it is.)
Ranma X: (Drops the hand like a hot potato) Yeow! How the hell did you do
that?
NeoVid: (Picks up the hand and reattaches it) Trade secret.

>“If you are a photographer, where is your camera?” “Ummm….” 

Mark [Kotori]: In the showers?
Skrib [Kotori]: My dog ate it!
NeoVid [Kotori]: Darn. Outsmarted again. At least it wasn't by the
doorknob this time.

>Kotori searches her outfit for something resembling a 
>camera, 

Skrib [Kotori]: OK, this looks just like a camera, so it's good enough!
Zeek: I certainly hope that wasn't what I thought it was...
Skrib: (smirking to Zeek) Why? What did you think that line meant?
Zeek: I... (sweatdrops, blushes) Er, never mind.

>all the while 
> cursing herself on her bad luck. 

Ranma X: Her bad luck quadrupled and eventually gave her an untimely,
grisly demise.
Mark: (mummbling to himself as he writes something down) And Ranma X gets
his dark riffs in.
Zeek: Untimely? Heck no. The sooner, the better.

>It is then that she notices what she 
> is wearing…. 

NeoVid [Kotori]: Plaid! Nooooooooo!!!

>And whom she is talking to 

Skrib [girlish voice]: Frankie! (Mimics fainting)

>….in REAL life! She screams, 
> she screams very loud, and very, very clearly “…HELP!” 

Zeek: That's supposed to be our line.

>She is then 
> squashed flat as a bug 

NeoVid [Ferdinand, with accent]: The world is as flat as a pancake!
Skrib [Christopher, with accent]: It is as round as my head!
(NeoVid whips up a mallet from somewhere and flattens the top of Skrib's
head cartoonishly.)
NeoVid [Ferdinand, with accent]: It is as flat as your head!

>by a huge weight falling on her head….and huge 
> it is, about 6’2 to be precise. 

S.D. [narrator]: Don't worry, I checked with a ruler.

>“Wow, what d'ya know, it really 
> works!… my cross dimensional portal works!!!” “Sun…one word…GET OFF!” 

NeoVid [Sun]: I'm trying! Why do you think I fell on you?

> “that is two” “oh stop being cliché and get OFF!” Sunday, swings 
> herself off Kotori’s head and lands on the floor…she stares adoringly 
> at Akio. “what a pretty, pretty, pretty…” 

Zeek: Sunday's stuck again, get the hammer.

> Akio looks impressed at his 
> being worshipped.

S.D.: Ohtori has a miko. Ohtori is Dios. Ohtori is in bed with nearly
everything breathing and on two legs, and half of what isn't. And he
thinks being called 'pretty' is being worshipped?
Mark: Nice mini-rant.
S.D.: Wait till I get started. (slight evil smirk)

> Sun continues “…pretty, but flat, girl.” Kotori’s 
> eyes go round in horror “Sun” she hisses “that is Akio.” Sun looks 
> Akio up and down, she pulls out her Playskool doctors kit, 

Mark: Product placement. No wonder they can afford to make this thing.
Skrib: (idly thinking) Wonder how much I can get people to advertise on my
fics?

>and begins 
> to examine Akio….” He breaths!!!!…and his heart is BEATING, and, and, 
> and…

Mark [Freakazoid]: But... can you dance?

>..ooh….he blinks” 

NeoVid: This is new... I think the punctuation gave me a brain hemorrage.
Skrib: Go home, punc!

>she pokes him in the eye “and winces in pain.” 
> Akio, now royally hammered doesn’t have the will power to make her 
> stop…ev4er 

Zeek: No l33t talk!!

>since he drank whatever that green stuff was that Kotori 
> had given him. He suddenly has a revelation…as angels sing in the 
> background…

(NeoVid pulls out a CD player from someplace and plays the Undertaker's
old entrance theme.) 

>he turns to the two cross-dimensional explorers 

S.D: I'm sure that was supposed to say, "Cross two-dimensional explorers."

>and says “You are to aid in me running a business! The SWAP4P!” 

NeoVid [Sun]: We have to write spams? Awww...

>“Ok!” agrees 
> Sunday “Sun, shut up.. you don’t know what we are getting into.” “As 
> my vice…err…maybe not….helpers…nah not that….secretaries….” 

Zeek [Akio]: ...No, wait. How does the term "sanitation engineer" sound?

>he gives 
> them a skeptical look (or at least as skeptical as can be expected 
> from a hammered male) “….no not secretaries…you can be my lackeys!” 

Mark: They're perfect for the job, since they already lack.

> “I refuse…I don’t take positions under vice president!” 

NeoVid [Sun]: Well... it depends on how hot the VP is, really...
Skrib: (To Zeek, jerks thumb to NeoVid) How come you don't hit him?

>says sun…her 
> nose in the air! 

Mark [NBA announcer]: Look at that nasal passage fly!
NeoVid [NBA announcer]: Is it the shoes? 

>“if you get any more stuck up, Sun…we’ll put your 
> head in the living room, right by the stuffed moose’s” 

Skrib: Can you imagine Akio explaining that to guests?
Mark [Akio, British]: And here was my latest catch. Gave me quite a fight,
really. But I managed to nail the bugger square in the puss.
Zeek [guest]: ...

>“no I 
> refuse…I’m no lackey!” says Sun, drinking some grape juice that 
> Kotori gave her. 

Ranma X: Unfortunately, she only *thought* it was grape juice...

>“oh very well…you can be vice presidents!” says Akio 
> “wow he really IS hammered!” exclaims Kotori

Zeek [Akio]: Can't touch this!

> And thus the two become the vice presidents of SWAP4P, something that 
> was later very much regretted by Akio. 

Mark: As well as many other people.

> ***
> The next day the two are transported to Akio academy via Akio car,

Zeek: Boy, Akio is sure convertible, right?

> and Akio…neither impressed, since the fog of drunkenness and hangover 
> cleared…but what is done is done, and Akio had a brilliant idea on 
> how to get rid of both girls,

Ranma X [Akio]: Two vats of boiling oil ought to do the trick. 

> that is, until he realized… “they just 
> aren’t screwable…” 

NeoVid & Skrib: Well...
(NeoVid and Skrib blink and look at each other.)
NeoVid & Skrib: (Shaking their heads) Too easy...

>he said to Touga that day as they were laying on a 
> bed in the tower 

Ranma X: ...
Zeek: ...
Neovid: ...
Mark: ...
Skrib: ...
(Flash, S.D. becomes Raven Hashiba.)
Raven: (cackling maniacally as he takes picture after picture) Perfect!
Oh, Oh~to~ri~kuuun...
(Raven vanishes and S.D. reappears)
S.D. [as if to self]: You had better be making doubles, Hashiba.
Raven [v.o.]: Done and done, m'lady.
(S.D. smirks.)
Zeek: I don't want to know.

> “…they just aren’t, I’ve never seen two people that 
> are SO very unscrewable! There can’t be! There isn’t I would know!” 
> “Oh don’t worry about it…I’ll see what I can do…after all…I could use 
> another interesting executive position 

NeoVid: Hey, who couldn't?

>to fill into my resume.” 

> ***

Mark: --According to a the critics at New Bedlam Mental Institution.

> 
> The two girls…women?…people?…people of no specific gender…no wait, 
> they are females…ahh there we go…the next day the two females, 

Skrib: Just so you know, there are very few things that scare me... The
story not being able to figure out the gender of the SI--er, I mean
protagonists, is one of them. 
Mark: (nods) Right. 

> were 
> unpacking in their new rooms at an Ohtori dorm…. o O 

(All o_O's)
Mark: Well, this is new. It didn't think any fic would be surprised to
see us.

>(great now I 
> sound like a biology book…the female cow….blah blah blah…)

Zeek: Will you stop riffing for us, Ms. Authors? -_-

> “WOW! Our own room and the like!…but what are we unpacking?” “I 
> dunno…” said Kotori, as she continued to fold and place air into her 
> closet 

NeoVid: You'll give yourself an embolism if you keep that up.
Mark: Now showing: The SI's New Clothes!

>“..the author said that we are unpacking, I suppose that it is 
> a very homely sort of gesture that allows for inner thoughts to be 
> expressed…”

Zeek: ECHO!!!!!!
(The word Echo goes thru the theatre, and echos for a few minutes.)
Zeek: Go figure.

> "Oh…” said Sunday, as she mimicked Kotori’s movements, very badly, 
> may I ad, 

Ranma X [newspaper editor]: It's going to cost $150 for a byline and an
extra $100 if you want to use pictures with the ad.
Mark [narrator]: ... Aw, forget it!

>as she had already managed to trip over every piece of 
> furniture in the room, because she forgot that they weren’t as 
> imaginary as the clothing she was folding. 

NeoVid: Imaginary clothing...
Skrib: I wish it was more popular.

>“…so this is like 
> cooking…you know a chance to open up.” 

NeoVid: Open up? Sounds like a set-up for a yuri scene.

>“yep…except I would prefer if 
> your cooking remained imaginary.” “I will have you know I won best 
> cook in grade 9!” 

Ranma X [Kotori]: Of course, I cooked the teacher and all my classmates
just gave me the award, but still...
S.D. [Sun]: ...
Ranma X [Kotori]: What?
S.D. [Sun]: Did he taste good with catsup?

>“Of course... the award was given to you by 

NeoVid [Sun]: --Spies who wanted it for chemical warfare.

> nasa…ever since they started using your cookies to plate their spacce 
> ships…

NeoVid: This fic is pre-riffed for your inconvenience.

>after all, there is no other material on this plannet quite as 
> hard…” “well except for Touga’s CENSORED…..” . o O 

(Zeek puts his head in his hands and sighs.)

> (biology...what 
> did I tell you??) “…and my cooking isn’t that bad!…well except that 
> time I poisoned my class, and a terrorist group tried to buy the 
> recipe….that was all…no wait, and that little incident with the 
> military…and the one with the fire department….” 

Mark: She ought to cook for the entire Philippine government.
(Mark & Skrib share a wicked grin.)

>“THANK YOU! That was 
> more then enough!… so what are we going to do now…I mean…WE ARE vice 
> presidents 

NeoVid [Kotori]: Oh right, the VP positions! Let's get to work!

>of a club we don’t know…” 

Zeek: They want to get to know the club. Let's help them.
(NeoVid gets out an iron pipe.)

>“Let’s interviews the BOSS!!! 
> It’ll be fun…but we will have to catch him off guard, so that he 
> won’t have time to put on 

Mark [Kotori]: ... a Kevlar and Helmet before we burst his head out with
an Arctic Rifle shell!
Others, except Mark: ...
Mark: ...too much CounterStrike. (sweatdrops)

>a façade when he sees us!” 

Zeek: I prolly wouldn't say much, but what the heck is that? [points at
the squiggle on the c]
NeoVid: See, they ordered that line from "Dialogue By François."

> “Hai, hai…and 
> then we can convince him to get us better clothing…better then this 
> icky uniform!” 
>Kotori pulls at the Ohtori girl’s uniform. “…and the 
> invisabible clothing!” 

Skrib: No! Keep the invisible clothes!

>So the two misfits organised a bunch of people 
> and "revamped" the Ohtori magasines...they made a tabloid and a 
> bunnnies magasine.... 

Zeek: Sounds like Jonatan's pals got into that set-up.

>ehem....and then they decided to conduct various 
> interviews and the like....YES

Mark: NO!
NeoVid: WELL, MAYBE!

>....are you all beginning to see the 
> problems?

Zeek [Deadpan]: No.

> 
> -------------------------

NeoVid: You're so dashing!
Ranma X: Hey, that's my line!
NeoVid: Don't be such a straight.
(Audible groan is heard again.)

> 
> Sun runs into the room, pulling back the curtains to allow for the 
> golden light to reflect of the pale pink walls. 
> “Kotoriiiii-chhaaaaan!, 

Zeek [Kotori, with echo]: Yeeeeeeeeeeeesss?
Ranma X [Sun, with echo]: Hooooow doooooo weeee uuuuuseee tthhhheee
iiiinnnntteeeerrccoooom?
Zeek [Kotori, with echo]: Iiiiiii ddoooooonn't knooooow!

>my room is piink!” Her cries are soon met by 
> Kotori who casually walks into Sun’s room. She looks appreciatingly 
> at the surroundings before turning to Sun “All the rooms in this 
> academy are pink…

S.D.: ...no. They're not. Utena and Mikage have pink hair. Touga has pink
bedsheets. That's it.
Mark: ..."Touga has pink bedsheets?"

> and anyway this room has been this color from the 
> first time we set foot in it.” “oh?” Sun looks taken aback “…I’m 
> going to have nightmares about it…you understand?” 

Mark: Yes. I do.

>Kotori shakes her 
> head “…then repaint it.” She then walks out. “Koto…are you ok?” 
> “Yes…its just that…that…sniff….Jury kicked me out of the shower 
> again!….wahhh!”

(S.D. twitches, then flashes to Miko Hiryuu.)
Miko [flatly]: ...die, Avatar. Slowly. In great pain.
(Flash, back to S.D.)

> “errr” [eyebrow twitch] “for the what-eth time this 
> week?” “I just…just can’t take it anymore.” “well can you blame 
> her…how would you feel if Eggplant was in your shower EVERYDAY!?” 
> “You are comparing me to HIM” 

S.D: No, He would hit you with lightning if you did that.

>“No wait that was a bad example….” 
> “HIM!!! I’m nothing like him!!!” 

Mark: Well, anatomically speaking...

>“you are correct…so sorry…well how 
> would you feel if Touga was in YOUR shower each day?”

S.D.: I'd rather have Mikage there. (eyes glaze over)

> “Your examples 
> keep getting better and better…do you realize?” 

Skrib [student]: No, ma'am. (smiling) 
Zeek [teacher]: Well, you're becoming a fine student!
Skrib [student, muttering]: I hope this doesn't mean I have to do
extra-credit work.

>“Akio…how about Akio?”

S.D.: (snaps out of Souji-induced haze) Not if you paid me.

> Their banalities are, thankfully, 

NeoVid: --low, so the Fae are cool with having them around.

>interrupted by a knock on 
> the door. Sun, looking much abashed, hides her head in her hands, as 
> Koto, with a look of death opens the door. *Never ever get in the way 
> of Kotori’s look of death* 

Ranma X.: Yes, when someone interrupts Kotori's spying on Death, she gets
mad.

>unfortunately this was not Akio’s good 
> day, the look of death hit him full tilt, like a speeding bullet.

Mark: "If looks could kill..."

> Poor guy…what did he do to deserves this? 

All: Appear in this story.

>Fortunately, after being 
> stunned for a few minutes her regained his composure and with a cool 
> fluid style began to talk…

Skrib [Akio]: *burble, burble, slush*
S.D.: It said fluid, not watery.
Skrib: Aww, you're spoiling my fun. ^_^
NeoVid: Nice Slushhead impression though.

>then realizing that, yes, it was one of 
> THEM that he was talking to he lost all grace and

NeoVid: --Became just like every other character in this story.

> just talked. “I 
> brought you something to interview…someone…someone…damming.”

Zeek: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dam.

> “oh…who?” “Err…you’ll see.” With those words he 
turned and left. 
> Kotori slammed the door. “W-E-L-L, 

Mark: She spelled something! Amazing!

>wasn’t THAT interesting…anyone 
> ELSE want to try me, here!!!!!” Sun squashed herself against the wall

Zeek: Guess she's trying to be a fly-on-the-wall.
(Others groan.)

> attempting to become invisible…when there was another knock on the 
> door….Sun inched over to it…

Mark: ...as opposed to footing over to it. (Pauses. Facepalms.) Accounting
terms really don't leave you for a while.

>sideways…keeping close distance to the 
> wall, and opened it…there in the hall stood Nanami…NANAMI?

S.D.: ...DIE!
NeoVid: Damn. One of the best characters in Suikoden 2, and she sinks to
this...

> “where is 
> Kotori?” asked Nanami as she literally flung Sun across the room. 
> Kotori looked up at Nanmi in disbelief. “YOU! … do you know w hat 

NeoVid: No. I have a hat, though.

>I have to say to YOU?” “Nooooooope….” Kotori quivered in fear/ 

Mark [Kotori, quivering]: Y-you haven't s-said anything y-yet.

>“You 
> hate my brother…. You have been acting like an absolute b**** [Nanmi 
> didn’t put the stars there by the way]

NeoVid [McMahon]: It was me, Austin! It was me!
Mark [Rikishi]: I placed those stars there, Austin!
Skrib [HHH]: You never saw it coming, did you? I did it!

> ….AND, you are possessive as 
> hell…PLUS you act like an absolute chicken around me….” “Soooo…..?” 
> Kotori smashes herself to the wall. “I want you to join my entourage… 
> be number four or so.” 

NeoVid [VO voice]: "Nanami joins entourage."
(The Shining Force joining theme suddenly plays.)
Jonatan [over intercom]: Sorry, couldn't resist.

>“really?” “I don’t repeat myself…follow me…” 
> With this Nanami turned to leave…closely followed by a VERY happy 
> Kotori. 

Ranma X: Aww, how cute! Nanami has a new pet!
Zeek [Kotori, happily]: Woof!

>“What the hell? Koto! KI can’t do an interview by 
> myself!!!!!” Poor Sun’s cries were to no avail…they were gone….

NeoVid [Sun]: My cries... they're gone... and I'll never get them back.

>Sun looked panicked…”must think, must think…must get calm…coordinated 
> [she trips and falls on a coffee table, effectively breaking it…

NeoVid: KOTORI! GET THE TABLE!

>then 
> she gets a revelation]….MY pills!!!”

Zeek: This message brought to you by the Organization for Safe Sex.

> with these words two calming 
> pills are drowned by Sun…

Mark: Those poor, poor pills.
Skrib [Sun, gangster]: ...so, youse pills won't squeal, ey? Into the drink
with them, boys! 

>and she calms down… it is then that there is 
> a knock on the door, and Sun with new found confidence opens the door 
> to find…Touga…. 

NeoVid: Touga! Touga!

>What will sun do will she scream? Yell? Throw a 

Mark: --HE grenade? (Smacks self.)
Skrib: Stop playing Counterstrike, kabayan. It's getting to you.
Mark: (nodding) I know, I know.

>fit? 
> A tantrum? Challenge him to a duel? Or cleave pieces of him off with 
> a saw? NO none of these, she simply stares at him. 

Ranma X: All those great plot points going to waste... (sighs)

>“I’m here about an 
> interview” Sun continues to stare at Touga, he obviously used to such 
> attention takes no notice, he is, after all, here on a mission. 

Skrib [Touga]: To protect the world from devastation!
S.D. [Touga]: To screw around without protection!

>“You are Touga, right?” Asks sun in the least formal way possible. “Some 
> would say that yes.”

Mark [Touga]: ...Those people are fools!

> Touga takes it all in stride. He sits down on 
> one of the chairs in the room. “You are so damn pretty.” 

NeoVid [Sun]: But I'll fix that! Where's my crowbar...

>Says sun 
> leaning on the fireplace…yes there IS a fireplace. 

All: Reeeaaally now?

>“it’s too bad that 
> you screw everybody for power…then you might have been 
> interesting…you have the hair…an the height…and the smoothness…and 
> manner….sigh…to think that lowly lil you COULD have been Jaden….

S.D.: ...Jaden? Who is Jaden?
(Others look at S.D.)
NeoVid: This bodes ill if S.D. hasn't heard of the character.
(Others nod.)

> Oh well… No matter what Akio told you , you are so not screwing me for 
> power. 

Skrib [Sun]: I screw for love and the nookie! (giggles)

>Oh and Kotori loves your sister, so you MIGHT want to go and 
> stop things from happening.” Touga totally unabashed by all these 
> comments , strides up to Sun, “So?” he asks putting his hand on the 
> wall, 

Mark: ...which sued him for harassment.

>(you know like in the movies). Sun slips out and dives for the 
> phone…calling Kotori for the ~~~endth time that day. “KOTO HELP ME 
> YOUR DAMNED FORMULA IS WEARING OFF!!!” “Hell…owowowowowo…stop 
> screaming…there is another bottle hidden in the banana in the 
> fridge…CLICK” 

Zeek [Kotori]: Heh, fooled her into thinking I hung up... whoops, phone's
still on.

>Sun turns to Akio

Ranma X: Hey, S.D., she's stealing your schtick.

> “one moment please!” with that she 
> bolts from the room and into the kitchen, leaving a very confused 
> Touga. 

Mark [Touga, dumbish]: Duh! Which way did she go? Which way did she go?

>In the other room, the kitchen to be precise, Sun, slams open 
> the fridge door, to find…ah yes…Chuchu had redecorated the 
> fridge…there was approximately 6500 bananas in that fridge. 

Zeek: The narrator is too obsessed with numbers.
Skrib: They hired a CPA to narrate?

>Touga calmly walks in calmly, on seeing some hot tee on the counter he 
> begins to gracefully sip it. 

Mark: How can you drink a shirt?

>“I there a particular reason that the 
> entire fridge, is filled with a multitude of bananas?” “ER….yes….but 
> it is a secret.” 

NeoVid [Xellos]: I knew it would be a catchphrase someday.

>With these words sun begins to open every banana 
> that she can lay her hands on, throwing the peels around the room, 
> non of which hit Touga, of course <damn>.

Zeek: It wasn't like she was *aiming* or anything.

> On the other side of the school, Kotori sits rather miffed. You see 
> she cannot figure out why Nanami had led her to this little room, and 
> left her alone in it. 

Skrib [Alielle]: Waaah! Nanami is so mean! Why doesn't she want to play?

>And then she was enlightened.

NeoVid [Kotori]: Yeah... I see it now... we're actually in a work of
fiction that doesn't deserve to exist.

> A figure entered 
> the room, backwards, 

Mark: If a person enters the room backwards, did he exit it?

>but entered anyway. 

Mark: ...I suppose not.

>His long red hair was 
> visible, as well as the back of his Student’s council outfit. “Touga? 
> Aren’t you with Sun?” 

Zeek [Touga]: You mean, this isn't the Tendo Dojo?

>“No…” said he. Kotori, Not being an idiot, 

Ranma X: Until now, at least.

>and 
> having much experience with anime characters (after stalking 
> multitudes of them for the past 18 years of her happy life) realized 
> that Touga had suddenly become a LOT shorter… 

Skrib: Touga's been chibified!
All: KAWAII!!!

>and his uniform, 
> instead of fitting him appropriately rather hung around… “Touga?…what 
> a big uniform you have.” 

Skrib [not-Touga]: The better to get out of easily, my dear.

>“Touga” with his back still facing…or is 
> that backing…

S.D. [narrator]: Eh... whatever.

>Kotori just shrugs “it grew in the wash… like wool” 
> “Wool shrinks…” 

NeoVid [Draco]: Fire evaporates water, Water covers sand, Sand puts out
fire!

>“Well this is special wool” 

Mark [Screwy Squirrel]: See? Rubber.

>Kotori nods…then lightly 
> approaches the Touga. He flustered moves out of the way and quickly 
> ads “hey you wanna, you know?” 

Skrib: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. (grins)

>Kotori looks at the Touga skeptically 
> “hell NO.” “Oh.” Says the Touga…who turns around to reveal 
> Nanami…Nanami? Yes Nanami had yet another of her devious plots... 

Mark [announcer]: ... who will save the dynamic duo avatars this time?
Will they end up as Nanami's slaves? Will Kotori, the Girl Blunder, say
"Oh" one more time? Tune in next week. Same SWAP4P time, same SWAP4P
channel!

> This one was to make sure that Kotori would NEVER go after Touga, 

NeoVid [Nanami]: From now on... she will go BEFORE Touga! AHAAAHAAAHAAA!

> thus she dressed up as him and attempted an impersonation. “Nanami?”

Skrib: Has your incestuousness imploded, turning into just narcissism?


> “OK, you have passed test number one…and the only test come to think 
> of it…You are now MY lackey!” With this Nanami triumphantly throws 
> her red wig in the air…this wig then lands unceremoniously on 
> Kotori’s head…. Nanami spins, and 

Ranma X: ...spins round and round until her head pops from the extreme
g-force.

>then comes face to face with…. 

Mark: Death?
S.D.: Death is too good for Nanami.

> “Oniiisama?” “No…” says Kotori… pulling off the wig. “Onisam? You 
> were Kotori? 

Mark [Shaggy]: No, it was old girl Kotori, all along!
NeoVid [Velma]: Jinkies!
Ranma X.[Scooby] R-row Raggy!

>And you didn’t tell me? Wait does that make you a girl? 
> And your hair is really the same color as mine! Therefore you really 
> are my onisama… you just wore that wig! 

NeoVid: Damn. I've having trouble thinking of riffs that are better than
what's already in here.

>I never noticed that you 
> looked so much like a girl…wait a min…. Does this make you my 
> sister?” Kotori looks taken aback… “But I’m Kotori” “Well yes I 
> realize this now!” “No I’ve always been Kotori” “…And that explains 
> why you and Kotori are never in the same room together!” 

Mark [Nanami]: ... no, wait a minute... Going by that logic, I'm Superman!
Ranma X.: Can I be Santa Claus then?

>“No you 
> don’t understand…I never was anyone else BUT Kotori!” 

Skrib [Kotori]: ...except for 3rd grade, but that's a doozy of a story.
Mark[Kotori]: And that time I dropped acid during that duel with Saionji
before Utena showed up.

>“Oh…don’t worry Onisamma,

Skrib: "Mr Monster"?
Mark: Shouldn't that be Oneesama?
S.D.: Maybe Onenisama...

> your secret is safe with me!” “But…but…but…wait you are not enraged? 

NeoVid [Fujin]: ENRAGE!

>I mean if I was really Touga, you wouldn’t care?” 

Zeek [Nanami]: Depends... do I get your room if you're lynched?

>“Well …see 
> Kotori isn’t that popular…she’s been snapping pictures of just about 
> every person on this planet…soooo…I have you ALL to MYSELF!”

NeoVid [Fujin]: FORESHADOWING!

> “Neep!” 
> with this Kotori realizes that she shall never have Jury with 
> overprotective Nanami all over her 

Ranma X [Nanami as Dredd]: There is no need for a Jury, I AM the Jury!

>“…. I need to explain…Nanami!” 
> Thus she begins the prolonged explanation to a very dense and 
> unwilling to listen Nanami.
> 
> -----------------------

NeoVid: Don't dash out like that!

> 
> And it continues some more..... Back in the kitchen the entire floor 
> is covered with banana peels and a whole pile of massacred bananas 

Ranma X.: Along with Chu-Chu, who died of diabetic shock.
Mark: Killing a person is homicide, right?
Skrib: Yeah, so?
Mark: What do you call killing a banana?
S.D.: Eating lunch.

> grows steadily top Sun’s right. To her left Touga continues to 
> drink…another cup of tea with poise and elegance…that is until a 
> banana peel lands in it. 

S.D. [Touga]: Waiter! I specifically asked for lemon in my tea, not a
banana. Take it back! (Muttering to herself) Barbarians...

>With this Touga is forced to unceremoniously 
> remove the banana. 

NeoVid: EW! Zip back up!

>He looks up at Sun. “Explain to me, again, why you 
> are doing this.” “It is a secret.” 

Zeek: Cameo by Xellos.

>“I don’t suppose that you would be 
> interested in a more interesting activity… to take up the time that 
> you are spending with these bananas…?” “No…. No thank you… 

NeoVid [Sun]: The bananas are pretty darn interesting!
Mark [Touga]: Well, that's a low blow to my ego.

>I will 
> continue looking through these bananas.” Touga raises an eyebrow, 

NeoVid [Touga as the Rock]: You want the Touga to put that banana up your
candy ass?

>and walks over to Sun… and begins to play with the back of her uniform. 

Skrib: Oh, yeah. Here's where the fun starts. (smirks)

> Sun freezes…she had not come thus far to sleep with Touga. 

Zeek: She has first to realize her dream of becoming a blacksmith.

>She stretched herself to her full height… 

(Skrib shivers.)
Mark: What's up?
Skrib: I just remembered the Titan Bunny.

>therefore she is almost eye 
> level with Touga. “Listen to me…no one…and I do mean NOONE makes a 
> come on to me until I AM FULL READY TO FLIRT…COMPRENDE?” 

Mark [Touga]: No, I only speak Japanese...

>she then 
> does a taikwando kick 

NeoVid [exact Kaphwan]: HANGETSUZAN!

>that sends Touga back against a counter…

NeoVid: Touga's using Alpha counters? How cheap!

>not 
> really hurt…well except for his pride, and perfect track record…

S.D. [Touga]: Well, damn thank you, Mr. Narrator for rubbing it in.
Skrib [narrator]: Don't mention it.

>but physically not much damage. Touga simply leans on the counter…he then 
> finds another mug of tea, and drinks that, absolutely resolved to 
> regain his composure.

Mark [narrator]: But then, the tea was too hot and he ended up jumping
around the kitchen sticking his tounge out.

> It is at this time that the door to the kitchen 
> is flung open and a frantic Kotori runs in…recall the banana peels?… 

Zeek: No, I'm trying to forget.

> she slips on one, and falls back against a counter, 

NeoVid: See? All Touga has to do is wait and block and Alpha Counter to
victory! It's so cheap!

>her back hitting 
> the handle of a frying pan… her back as the power, the counter edge 
> as a pivot, and the pan as a lever… one banana, is launched through 
> the air. 

Mark [Bill Nye]: Tomorrow, kids, we'll teach you how to make a banana
catapult... the right way.

>After travelling a projectile path that would make a Physics 
> teacher proud… 

Mark: I give it a 8.7.
S.D.: The trajectory's all wrong. I say 6.5.
Skrib: I give it a 7.8.
NeoVid: I agree with S.D. It's a 5.6 at most.
Ranma X: I kind of like the way it flew. 9.1.
Zeek: You're too generous. 7.1 at the most.
(Mark writes something down and takes out a calculator.)
Mark: The average is 7.4667. (Puts away the pad and calculator.)
(A beat.)
Zeek: Why did we just do that?
Mark: (shrugs) I don't know. Killing time?

>it lands in Touga’s mouth. 

Skrib: (Facepalms) The symbolism in this story reeks of lemon juice.

>He bites down on it, and 
> swallows, his face cringes up. “What the hell…this banana had some 
> sort of fluid in it.” 

NeoVid: Most of them do.

>He runs to the counter and proceeds to drink a 
> cup of water… then he sees his reflection in a spoon, he examines hit 
> tongue. “Why is my tongue purple?” 

NeoVid [Touga]: He said he had had a blood test recently!

>“KOTORI! THE FORMULA!!!!!!!” 

Mark [Kotori]: E=mc2!

> Kotori wakes up from her daze, and looks up “what formula…?” 

S.D. [Kotori]: We have a *test*?

>“The one 
> that Touga just drank…remember the one hidden in the banana you
launched!” 

Mark [Kotori, exact Homer]: D'oh!

>“Oh oh...” Touga looks around startled…he runs to the 
> mirror to check if anything is wrong… he looks carefully into it… “Oh 
> NO! 

Zeek [Touga]: My PERM!

>I’ve lost my MO JO!” 

NeoVid [exact Dr Evil]: No, I said AUSTIN POWERS' mojo! Can you give me a
bit of freakin' competence here?
Skrib: So Touga can't become Mojo Jojo. Big Deal.

>“Wow… Touga is absolutely unscrewable!” says 
> Sun in awe. “I deserve the Nobel peace prize for this!” Sun nods. 
> “NO! THIS CAN’T BE!” screams Touga in desperation “…It’s impos…” he 
> stops, and looks at his hands… his eyes as large as saucers… 

Mark [Touga]: I've been transformed into an anime character?

>“And about the same shape too” pipes in Kotori … He stares in disbelief… 
> his hands are “I’m MELTING, MELTING…I’LL GET YOU FOR 
> THIS!…HSSSSSSSSSSssssssssssssss…”

Ranma X. [Touga as the Wicked Witch of the West]: What a world, what a
world whataworld....
Zeek: His hands screamed?
Skrib: I knew Utena was surreal, but this was *surreal*.

> With that nothing was left of the 
> former playboy except for 

NeoVid: --Our bad memories.

>a puddle on the floor the consistency of 
> flubber…except reddish, clear…see through…with air bubbles here and 
> there…it was kind of gloopy. 

Mark [Flubber Touga]: Oh, sure, ridicule me while I'm an incapacitated
blob, whydoncha?

>“Ummm… Kotori?” “Ummm…. I think we 
> better put him into something…so we don’t lose him…

Skrib [Kotori]: Let's sell him on e-Bay!
S.D.: I'm bidding.

>remember this stuff wears off…eventually.” 

All: Awww.

>Thus the two picked up the Touga-blob… 
> not very large (so much for the law of conservation of mass)

Mark [narrator]: We never believed in it anyway.

>…and stuffed it as ceremoniously as possible in a plastic mayonnaise 
> container…. They then took him out…

Mark & Skrib: o/~ One more time! Tsararan-raran! One more time!
Tsararan-raran! All we ask is one moooore time! o/~

>removed the mayonnaise…. Cleaned 
> the container…and replaced Touga into it. “Awwww... how cute! 

NeoVid [Sun]: He's all white and purple and... I suddenly have a craving
for a peanut butter and jelly.

>He looks like the picture perfect image of a happy glob!” “Touga-goo…” 

Ranma X. [Kotori]: Yes! He's going to be the newest Pokemon!

>I don’t think we should leave him in there…what if others wonder where 
> he went…?” asked an unhappy Sun. 

Zeek [Kotori]: We'll say he's moved to America to make Hollywood movies...
that's the ticket!

>“Oh they won’t notice…wait” Kotori 
> quickly grabbed some markers and a post-it. She then drew a badly 
> animated Touga onto the post-it…

NeoVid: Animated post-its... Cool!

>not able to resist she added a 
> mustache and beard (but that is beyond the point) 

Skrib: But they mentioned it anyway.

>they then glued 
> this picture to the side of the clear mayonnaise jar. 

Zeek: (sarcastically) Oh, so it's kind of like the missing posters on
milk cartons!
Ranma X. [Generic Announcer]: Have you seen this Bishounen? Please call
the missing Bishounen Hotline at...

>“See… looks 
> just like him!” says Kotori proudly…holding up…err…Touga. 
> “Yep…slime.”

Mark [Flubber Touga]: Oh, sure, talk like I'm not here, languishing in
this putrid smelling jar in blob-form.

> It is at this unfortunate instant that Akio walks into the kitchen 
> holding a pile of letters. 

Zeek [Akio]: (sorting envelopes) Junk, junk, junk, bill, bill, junk...
Oooh, coupons!

>He looks at the two females…the jar with 
> Touga’s picture on it…containing some sort of jelly. He glances at 
> the pink kitchen now utterly covered in bananas…he turns back to the 
> Ohtori uniform clad girls. 

Skrib: Wait a minute...
Mark: What?
Skrib: (Shakes head) Nothing, I just read wrong. I thought Akio was a
Transformer.
Ranma X: Well, he turns into a convertible, right?
(S.D. sighs.)

>“Tell you what…” he starts “lets adopt a 
> don’t ask…don’t tell…policy.” Kotori and Sun look at each other. 

Zeek: Shouldn't the sun not be too close to Touga? He could go bad.

> “What’s with all the letters?” asks Sun. “These are the complaints 
> bout both of you from the student body…

Skrib [Akio]: They're complaining about their characterization in this
fanfic.
S.D.: As if...

> the complaints for the past…” 
> Akio checks his watch 

Mark [Akio]: That's weird. It's a day late.

>“…30 minutes, to be exact… you see no one wants 
> you living within these dorms.” 

Ranma X [Akio]: Dying within it... well, that's another matter entirely.

>Akio takes a VERY deep breath 

Skrib [Akio]: If you don't leave, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll
blooooooww your house down.

>“…So…I think I need

NeoVid: Nookie?

> a drink…so…you are both to stay in the tower with Anthy, 
> Utena, Nanami (if she hasn’t already left)…and….and…. Myself.” 

Skrib [Akio]: Not that I planned it like that or anything...

> “NANAMI?” screamed Sun “what are we going to tell Nanami! You know 
> how much she loved Touga!” 

Zeek [Kotori]: Ummm... Touga left her here while he goes to America to
make Hollywood movies?
S.D. [Sun]: ... yeah, right. 

>“Oh don’t worry. …I’ve got that part 
> covered”. 

NeoVid [Akio]: Um, he'll still be 'all over you,' but...

>o 0 (I guess she didn’t manage to convince her) 
> “Loved…excuse me?” Akio looks form Sun, to Koto, and back to Sun 
> “where IS Touga?” 

Zeek [Kotori]: Ummm... he went to America to make Hollywood movies?
Skrib [Akio]: ... umm, riiight.

>Kotori outstretches her arms…in which he holds the 
> jar. Akio takes a VERY deep breath…counts to ten…

S.D.: But halfway through, she lost count.

>and nods…he then 
> lets the letters fall to the floor. He turns to leave. “You both are 
> to report to the tower... at nine tonight…sigh…be there, unless you 
> are dead in which case it is ok if you remain so.”

Skrib: Remember, kids, Dios says it's okay to be dead!
Mark: (groaning) I can sense the parent groups complaining now.

> He then leaves. 
> “Koto, do you think we are giving him a nervous breakdown?” Kotori 
> shrugs, and puts the Touga-blob into the fridge.

Mark [Flubber Touga]: Oh, sure, like don't give me a frickin' coat or
anything. I'm sure I'll be *warm* inside this fridge.

> -------------------------
> 

Skrib: To anyone interested in owning a piece of Touga, please sign on the
dotted line. Bottled Touga(TM). Comes in economy, family, and bosun jars.
[S.D. points a finger at the line and the words, "S.D. Ryukage" and "BSHB
ML" appear on it in silver cursive.]

> Ah yes, how long has it been since pauvre Akio had the two move into 
> his tower? A day? A week? 

Zeek: Does anyone care?

>Well actually 5 days, and already he is 
> beginning to adapt…

NeoVid: He's developed a longer neck, and a third eye...
Skrib: He actually managed to last that long without sending the inept duo
to a Duel? That's a new record. 

>SO THAT is how he managed to remain alive so 
> long…I GET IT…

Skrib: Good for you.
Mark: But we don't get it. 

> anyway that particular day the sun was shining 
> brilliantly into the tower, 

Zeek: When on most days, it shines stupidly into the tower.
Ranma X.[Sun]: DUhhh..I'm ams de shineey Sun!

>illuminating the surroundings, and 
> overall being of the cheerful sort. 

Skrib: But when the sun's not cheerful, watch out!
NeoVid [Sun]: Ooooo... I'm having such a bad corona day! Oooh...

>Akio walks into the tower, he 
> considers going up the elevator, but decides that the steps are FAR 
> better for his figure, 

Ranma X: After he throws himself down them, he'll be able to bend his
figure in any shape he wants.

>thus he runs up the staircase until her 
> reaches a room near the top… it is here that the

S.D.: --Duel called Revolution will be fought.
Ranma X.: Not the mention the odd amounts of cars, desks, ouitlines of
bodies, milkshakes, birds, chocolate bars...
Mark: That's one crowded duel arena.
Zeek: I hope you don't mean that stupid game where you had to save the
bands...

> misfits share space 
> with him. Without a moment of hesitation he turns the handle and 
> opens the door. Calmly sliding through 

Mark [Quinn]: Remy, Professor, Wade... Did you guys see someone steal our
sliding device?
Ranma X.[Quinn's "brother"] Hey bro!
Mark [Quinn]: Ahh! Kill him!

>the door, he avoids stepping 
> on the exhausted body on the floor…it was trying to tear the door 
> down, and escape. 

NeoVid [body]: No... no more MSTings...

>He then strides down toward the middle of his 
> living room, bypassing a large blob of pink goop, currently engulfing 
> a struggling Chuchu. 

[Ranma X. mimics 70's porn music]
Skrib: But for some reason, he wasn't struggling very hard...
S.D.: (abruptly turns several interesting shades of green and smacks Skrib
in the head with the hilt of the Masamune) I did *not* need to remember
that 'Special' picture.
Mark: (Turning green himself) Gah. 
Skrib: ^_^
Zeek: Let me guess, I don't want to ask... AND DON'T TELL ME!

>As he walks on he stretches his hand up in 
> order to grab an apple from the fruit bowl that is hanging upside 
> down from the ceiling. 

Mark: And that, folks, is what happens when you hire a surrealistic
interior decorator. 

>He bites into the apple and is about to sit 
> down on the couch when he sees that two females are “busy” on it.

NeoVid: Finally!
S.D.: (chanting, like a mantra) Please say it's Juri/Shiori, please say
it's Juri/Shiori...I'll even settle for Juri/Utena... (ALL but Ranma X.
give her odd looks)
Ranma X.: Nahh, I want some jungle fevah action! Go Anthy! Go Utena![is
knocked unconscious by S.D.]

> Thus, he shrugs, thoughtfully chewing his apple, and picks up one of 
> the magazines on the coffee table. On the magazine is a picture of 
> Shiory with naught to wear, 

NeoVid: ...I wish this fic would stop riffing for me.

>he flips through it...on finding a couple 
> of articles on himself, 

Mark [Akio]: Hey, now! I didn't know I dated Monica Lewinsky.

>he considers reading...but it is a nice day, 
> and the migraine had just disappeared, and 

S.D.: --if he thought about his life, it'd come back.

>he would like to keep all 
> thus, so he puts down the Ohtori Bunnies magazine and decides to 

NeoVid: ...be a lumberjack.
Mark, Skrib, NeoVid: o/~ He's a lumberjack and he's okay! He cuts down
trees and works all day! o/~
Skrib: Great, Akio is going to crossdress now? 

> stroll to the observatory. He glides through a huge puddle of blue goop, 

Skrib: Be glad it was blue.
All: Slip and slide! Wooo!

>and finds himself looking at a black rose

S.D.: Mikage... (eyes glaze over again)
Mark: Oh. I thought Kodachi was making a crossover.
Ranma X.[Announcer voice]: Yes, our favorite pedophillic, delusional,
non-existant duellist is back! And boy is he pissed off!

> chair with a 4-foot 
> stack of pictures on it. 

Zeek: So much for him putting down that magazine.

> He picks the one off the top, and finds out 

Skrib [Akio]: "Reader's Digest"? Me-dammit, who ordered this
subscription?!? 

> where the magazine spread had come from…he flips 

Ranma X: --and spent the rest of his life locked up in an asylum.
Zeek: An asylum with rose gardens, though.

>through some of the 
> pictures, before simply taking a handful, 

NeoVid [pictures]: Take me now!
S.D. [Akio]: I've never done it with a picture... (searches) Here, picture
picture picture...

>and walking out the door, 
> up the stairs, and to the observatory. He opens the door to the room, 
> and walks in, still sorting through the photo’s, 

Zeek [Akio]: Red eyes, red eyes, ghost behind the third man, Cindy
Crawford... (Mimics holding a magazine sideways and unfolding centerfold)
Sumo wrestler in fuku--ARRRGGHH! (Mimics dropping magazine)

>it is then that he 
> hears two females arguing he looks up. “SUNDAY!” hollers Nanami on 
> top of her lungs “…it STILL isn’t working!” 

Mark: These days of the week just aren't made like they used to be.

>“For 

NeoVid: --Great Justice!
Zeek: NeoVid, It's dead, now don't do that again.

>parsley’s sake, have 
> you turned it on?” “YES!” 

Mark [Austin Powers]: Yes! Yes! No! No!
Skrib [Austin Powers]: Do I turn you on, baby?

>verifies Nanami proudly. “Well then what is 
> wrong?” 

Ranma X.[Nanami]: Besides this whole story?
Skrib [cameraman]: Low battery. 

> “There is this HUGE gap, where some stars would be!” 

Zeek: Inside her head.

>“Oh so 
> there is a big black hole there?” “It is a black hole!” “It is a 
> black hole?” “It is?” “Huh?” “I discovered a black hole!” 

Zeek [Sunday]: Why do you have mirrors angled to look in your ear?
NeoVid [Nanami]: I just pulled down my-- (gets smacked)

>“Nanami? 
> Are you sure?” “YES! Look… there is a black hole!” 

Ranma X: If those characters don't shut up, I'm going to shove *them* into
a black hole.

>“Uh-huh...You know 
> that they name any new discoveries after the discoverer…or name them 
> what ever the discoverer wants them to be named.” 

Mark [Sun]: I shall name it George!
NeoVid [Matsuro]: I thought Horse Fucker Gigantic would be cooler.

>“ONIIIISAMA 
> KOTORI!” screams Nanami and with these words she grabs her portable 
> phone and calls the astronomy agency. “Hello? Is this the astronomy 
> agency?

Skrib [Alfred]: Er... I'm afraid it isn't, madam.
Mark [Batman]: Trace the call, Alfred. I'll take care of her later.

> I would like to report the onisama-kotori black hole!…. YES I 
> NANAMI Kiryuu 

NeoVid: I NANAMI Kiryuu all the time.

>have discovered a black hole…. Well yes…you may get a 
> scientist to talk to me…. [Covers mouthpiece with hand, and looks at 
> Sun]…

Zeek [Nanami, hissing]: (Mimics holding mouthpiece with hand) It's those
damn Dudleys next door and they're inviting us over for dinner again! Give
me a believable reason not to go.

>they are having an important scientist talk to me!…[uncovers 
> phone and speaks into it]…yes….umm…by Venus….

Ranma X [scientist on phone]: If it was by Venus, why are you taking
credit for it?

>I don’t know…..I don’t 
> know…. Do I SOUND LIKE A MATHEAMTICIAN?….

Mark [on phone]: Uh... I don't know. What's a matheamtician?

>I dunno………..” Akio sighs and 
> walks beside the projector, he takes off a lens cap

Zeek: He'd been running into things with his lenscap on.

> and continues 
> walking, he steps over a 10 foot pile of biology books…

ALL: ...
Mark: Well, he's gotten taller.

>from a biology 
> book leak in the ceiling…

Zeek: Books are created by osmosis?
Ranma X.: That's the problem when you live on the penthouse suite of a 500
foot tower. You just can't get a good roofer.


> and continues to walk…in the background 
> hearing Nanami’s screams: “It disappeared…well there was nothing 
> there before so it appeared…but now IT is gone…

NeoVid [Nanami]: I've lost my favorite Stephen King novel!

>it DISAPEARED…oh shut 
> up…[click]” Akio shrugged, and walked into his room, closing behind 
> him the door.
> 
> Ah yes another typical, walking through the house day at Akio’s 
> tower.

Ranma X.: No it isn't. He's not having sex with anything!
Skrib: Which sounds exactly like a day in my lair. Wanna visit? 
S.D.: Naah, I think I'll pass that invite. 
Mark: Ditto.

> After finishing with the photos and his apple, Akio once again 
> emerges into the open, 

NeoVid [Akio]: I have to be free! FREE!

>and decides to see if dumb and really dumb

S.D.: (looks up) They're *still* riffing for us.
Jonatan [over intercom]: And you *still* can't go.

> have managed to destroy any more of his valuable assets yet….”just 
> like owning a herd puppies’, 

Zeek: Since when do they herd puppies?
NeoVid: You've never seen Puppy Milk(TM)?

>he thinks to himself as he continues 
> walking…all in all the observatory is cleaned up… so with new found 
> hope, Akio walks into his living room, to find a mess worse then ever 
> before…

Mark: And now the role of Akio will be played by Kasumi Tendo.

>his hopes dashed, he wades through the unidentified pink gloop 

Zeek: Wasn't it blue a bit ago?
Ranma X: I wasn't paying attention.

> that is now absolutely taking over the entire living room… he 
> sighs…strangely enough, the only thing that has been keeping the 
> gloop from filling the room to the brim was a missing window…yet 
> another mystery. 

Mark: The window was taken by... (cool sound effects) the window washer!
Skrib: I still think the butler did it.

>Akio sighs, and walks up to the first door…he opens 
> it, and his eyes almost pop out of his head…

Ranma X: He was hit with a laser that almost made his head explode.

>it is absolutely 
> spotless…even the carpet reflects his reflection. 

S.D.: Another surprise since a carpet shouldn't be able to *reflect*
anything.
Mark: Maybe it was actually linoleum?

>He is about to step 
> in when out of nowhere Sun runs in, she begins to vacuum him, 

NeoVid [Akio]: ...Suck harder.

>and when apparently finished she pulls him into the room. “DON”T EVER TRY 
> TO RUIN MY WORK!” 

Skrib: Weirdest pre-makeout line I ever saw.
NeoVid: I thought she'd say something else after pulling him into her room.

>Akio yawns…and then gets a good look at what Sun is 
> wearing….female clothing…like a female…and heels…and her hair is down 
> and curled not in odangos. Akio does a double 

Mark: ... backflip followed by a handspring into a 360?

>take…. “why are you 
> dressed up like that?” 

Zeek: Another of life's greatest mysteries, why do girls dress like
girls...
Mark: You prefer they dress up like guys? I certainly don't.

>“oh…you like? I invited Ruka for an 
> interview…need to look pretty…or at least passable as a human being.” 

Mark: Isn't having a heartbeat and standing erect on hind legs passable as
a human being?

> “isn’t Ruka dead?” 

Ranma X.[Akio]: It's okay in my book!
S.D.: (quoting) "Death is a *relative* thing."
Skrib: How can you be relatively dead?!
S.D.: You want the list?

> “well….no…. not since the shower…Kotori…Jury…the 
> candles…and powerful friends like Jaden…

S.D.: I still want to know who Jaden is.
Skrib: "Powerful friends", S.D. You probably _don't_ wanna meet people
like them. 
[Everyone else nervously coughs.] 

> nope not dead at all…well 
> anymore. Akio nods…”it figures.” He says under his breath…he is used 
> to these things…

Zeek [Akio, thinking]: They always do this every Thursday. It's like they
have a fixed schedule or something.

>he then stands to leave. “By the way…have you seen 
> Kotori?” “Per say?” “Huh...no I mean have you seen her?” Then as if 
> on cue…

Mark: Someone yelled "CUT!" and the scene ended.
Ranma X: I wish.

>or rather on cue, as this is a story and as such the writer is 
> allowed to do whatever her little heart desires…

Ranma X.: NO! NO SHE ISN'T!
NeoVid [author]: (Flexing forearm) No one can defeat my Authoryu! I am
MIGHTY!

>thus on cue, Kotori 
> jumps into the room wearing pants…and an undershirt…
her hair an 
> absolute mess… 

Skrib: (grinning) Well, we don't care much if her hair's a mess.
(Mark and NeoVid nod.)

>“As I was saying…per say…no…she was hidden beneath 
> someone…” Akio raises an eyebrow. Kotori oblivious to all,

Zeek: --normal thoughts that define humanity...

> bounces into the room “happy, happy…

Mark: o/~...joy, joy!o/~
(A beat.)
Mark: (Slaps himself) Damn, that song sticks to your head!

>HAPPY!” “Koto, when did you get a uniform 
> that matches Juries…?” “She didn’t” says Akio solemnly. 

Zeek [Akio]: It's *mine*.
Ranma X.[Akio]: Who do you think has to subsidize these damn
French-looking things, huh?

>“Does Jury know that you are borrowing it 

Skrib: (Watches S.D. nervously) Uh, oh. This is bad. 
S.D.: What? 
Skrib: If the authors were implying what I think they're implying... 


> Kotori nods happily bouncing around the 
> room. 

NeoVid: ...on her head?
Skrib: *BOING, BOING, BOING*
Zeek: More like Thud, Thud, Thud.

>From the far off living room , 
> one sole cry is heard… 

(Mark does the Tarzan jungle cry.) 

>“Kotori I want 
> my bra and pants back…

S.D. [narrator]: ...said Akio.
Mark: o/~He likes to wear women's clothing, suspendies and a bra! o/~
Zeek: Suspendies? ...and a...a bra?
(Mark gives Zeek a "You're weird" look.)
Mark: Someone actually doesn't know that reference?
(Zeek returns the "You're weird" look.)
Zeek: Of course I do.
Mark: Oh.
(Mark gives back Zeek's "You're weird" look. Zeek returns Mark's "You're
weird" look.)
Mark: There. We're even.
(A beat.)
Zeek: What the hell did we just do?

>and while your at 
> it give back my undershirt, I can’t fit 
> into your uniform…

Skrib [Juri]: ...it has no armholes. 

>no wait…here we go.” 
> Jury then walks into the room wearing a 
> uniform that is clearly too small on 
> her.

Skrib: And this is bad, how?
(Ranma X. lightly taps him with the spatula as a warning gesture.)

> “Kotori..” she says exasperatedly 
> “I can hardly breathe in this 
> outfit…give back my clothing...”

Zeek: Osmosis strikes again. 

> “Umm…Jury….why are you wearing Kotori’s 
> outfit.” 

NeoVid [Juri]: It's just a comfort thing!! How many times do I have to
tell you?

>Jury shoots Sunday

Ranma X.: No, not my one day of rest! Dammit, why couldn't you burn
Tuesday or something?
Zeek: Not to mention the millions of Christians who will get pissed.

> a look of 
> disgust. “why do you think…

NeoVid [Juri]: ...Bush won the election?
Mark [Juri]: ...the US still keeps meddling in the affairs of third-world
countries?
S.D. [Juri]: ...the government is screwing taxpayers with new taxes?
Skrib [Juri]: ...the Dalai Lama is still an influential person?
(A beat)
Zeek [Sunday]: ...I knew I shouldn't have signed up for Political Currents.

>she won’t 
> give back my clothing…” “Why does she 
> have it?” 

NeoVid: All women have one of those. Didn't you get a sex ed class?

>The look of disgust turns 
> into a look of amazement 

Skrib: In a few more weeks, it turned into a beautiful butterfly!

>“you mean you 
> have been able to know Kotori for how 
> long and her mind hasn’t wore on you?”

Ranma X [Sunday]: What mind?
Skrib [Sunday]: And what is there to wear? 

> How does one put it?…ah yes…Sun has an 
> enlightenment: 

NeoVid [Fujin]: ENLIGHTENMENT!
Skrib [Haohmaru]: ENLIGHTENMENT!
Mark: o/~ I saw the Sun! I opened up my eyes and saw the Sun! o/~
Zeek: The stupid sun, though...

>“oh….OH!” Sundays eyes 
> grow wide… 

Skrib: Only her eyes? Darn.
Mark [Sun's eyes]: Darn! I'm packing on weight.

>she jumps up and starts 
> shaking Kotori’s hand 
> vigorously…Kotori’s beamingness get 
> greater until it is hard to look at her 
> without sunglasses…

(ALL take out sunglasses and wear them.)
(The Men In Black theme song starts playing in the background.)

>”Congratulations…dear girl I 
> knew you could do it!” Kotori continues 
> to beam Akio

Skrib: Akio, unsurprisingly enough, doesn't mind.

> leans over and flicks the 
> switch Kotori’s beamingness

[S.D. produces a notepad and writes something down]
Mark: What're you writing?
S.D.: I'm starting a list of words not found in the dictionary. This is a
good source.
Zeek: While your at it, tell me what I missed in between beams and
whatever just happened.
S.D.: "Kotori continues to beam. Akio leans over and flicks a switch.
Kotori's beamingness--"
Skrib: ...

> flickers 
> and turns off…leaving a disgruntled 
> Kotori. 

Ranma X: ...she later came back and bombed the factory for laying her off.

>“Why did you do that?” Akio 
> shrugs “it was getting to me.” 

Skrib [Akio]: For some reason, it's turning me on. 

> Jury 
> clears her throat in a melodramatic 
> way. 

NeoVid [Jury]: *AHEM!* (Thunder rolls, and the sun goes out.)
Mark: (whispering to himself) I didn't know this theater had great
acoustics.

>“my clothing?” Kotori gets a huge 
> grin on her face… “lets go to my room 
> and switch.” Kotori raises an eyebrow. 

Zeek: But it wasn't her eyebrow!
Skrib: Ew, shemale...

> Jury raises an eyebrow…Akio raises an 
> eyebrow, 

NeoVid [Auctioneer]: ...andwehaveanothereyebrowwho'sgoingtoraisemetwo
eyebrowsYESwehaveabidfromthegentlemanwiththepinkundies...

>sun trips on a heel and falls 
> on her face. 

Mark: o/~ One of these things doesn't belong with the others. One of these
things just doesn't belong. o/~

>Jury shrugs and allows 
> herself to be pulled out of the room. 
> Akio grabs Jury’s hand and pulls her 
> back in…

Skrib: Copping a feel along the way. 
(Ranma X mimes aiming his spatula along Skrib's neck.) 

> he looks at her face intently. 
> “are you drugged” Jury’s frowns. “no.” 

Ranma X [Juri, slurring]: I...fine...I'm not drrrrrunnnk.

> she replies coolly. “are you going 
> through some sort of emotional 
> turmoil?” “no…” 

Mark [Akio]: (mimics taking out a list and reading) Have you or any of
your family been a victim of cancer, heart disease, cholera, the bubonic
plague, Alzheimer's disease, the cooties, the Ebola virus, AIDS, H-fever,
megalomania or have ever been under any medical plan?
Zeek [Juri]: Ummm... no?

>“are you sure…I mean 
> after having to live with these two I 
> nearly slept with Nanami…

Ranma X.: AH! You poor thing!
S.D.: Strangely enough, Nanami's about the only major character that fans
are fairly sure Akio *hasn't* screwed with. (A beat) In the physical
sense, anyway.

> so that may 
> explain why….” “NO.” “THEN WHY IN DIOS’ 
> NAME DID YOU DO THAT 
>WITH KOTORI 

Skrib [Juri]: ...um, she paid me?

>YOU 
> CAN’T BE SERIOUS!” 

NeoVid [Juri]: No, I'm Juri.
(Others make booing and hissing noises.)
NeoVid: (grinning) All right, all right, so that joke was old.

>I know why!” pipes 
> in Sun, who was feeling left out. Akio 
> and Jury look at the pathetic creature. 

S.D.: (shouts at the ceiling) Look! The authors do a better job of riffing
themselves than we could!
Jonatan [over intercom]: No dice. You still can't leave.
(ALL grumble.)
Ranma X.: Akio decides that murder won't be illegal for the time being, as
he pulls out a sword and kills Sun.
Mark: Wow, talk about dark. 
S.D.: No, dark is when we get to the ritual disembowelment.
Skrib: Does it involve tweezers, a red-hot poker, and lots and lots of
duct tape? ^_^

> ‘why?” “you know how in magazines they 
> have those lil cards…every second 
> page?…and they are soooo annoying?”

Zeek: Yeah, I know. 
(Zeek pulls out a magazine and dumps 3 times it's size of cards out.)

> Akio and Jury look at each other, then 
> back at Sunday…

Mark [Akio]: What are you on?
Skrib [Juri]: And where can we get some?

>they nod… “well you see, 
> the magazines figure that after saying 
> no to the damned cards 50 

NeoVid [Jinsaku Nagaoka]: 50. Goddamn. Points. Of. Damage.

>billion 
> times, you’ll one day crack and say 
> yes…it’s called the Kotori dating 
> system!” 

ALL: Patent pending.

>“the what?” 

Mark: Well, in this story, it's where everyone ends up with the worst
person possible.

>everyone turns to 
> see a very ANGRY Kotori at the door…one 
> of her eyebrows twitching violently 

Skrib [bystander]: Look out! Her eyebrow's having an epileptic seizure!
NeoVid [bystander]: Call the paramedics!
Mark [Bugs Bunny, panicky]: Quick! Is there a doctor in the house?!
S.D. [doctor]: I'm a doctor.
Mark [Bugs Bunny, calm]: Nyaaah! What's up, doc?

>and 
> her hand clamping and unclamping. “oh 
> oh…Sun Sun made a booboo…” 

NeoVid: Yech. Buy some Depends, willya?

>with this 
> sun slips behind Jury…not an effective 
> hiding place as she is taller then 
> her…oh well… “I made another 

NeoVid: What did I just say?

>bad 
> example.” Akio nods . o 0 (oh good…now 
> they’ll kill each other…and I needn’t 
> do a thing.”

NeoVid: . o 0 (Hey, we can see his thought bubbles!)
Zeek: . o 0 (Maybe we can influence it so they all die.)
Ranma X: . o O (Hehehe. What a nice thought. The fic's characters dying
slowly and painfully.)
S.D.: . o 0 (Not everyone. Just the Avatars.)
Mark: . o O (I got an itch in my...)
(Others stare at Mark.)
Mark: . o O (Oh, uh. Did I just think that out loud?)
Skrib: . o O (...) 

> Jury rolls her eyes 

Mark [banker]: Sorry, snake eyes.
Zeek: Craps.

>“…that 
> wasn’t quite it.” Kotori nods furiously 
> in agreement…she stops…she looks vexed… 

Skrib: Oooh, big words. 
S.D.: Not really. "Vexed" is less than three syllables. 
Skrib: Damn. 

> “quite?” Jury rolls her eyes again.. 

Mark [banker]: Six, banker wins.
Ranma X [Juri]: Dammit!

> “you see…she is kind of adorable...in 
> the Shiory kind of way…”

S.D.: If you think a goat is adorable.
Skrib: I happen to like goats... Especially seasoned with potatoes and
carrots. 

> “HOW DARE 
> YOU!” screams out Sun “insulting my 
> friend…YOU R SO MEAN!…

Mark [Juri, on Instant Messenger]: OMG that is so wrong!
(Skrib takes out a cellphone and starts using SMS.)

> no wait, you like 
> Shiori don’t you…hehe…go on.” “that was 
> it.” “wow, you think of me like you do 
> Shiori?” “well no… not quite….” 
> “oh…[sniff]…” Jury not willing to have 
> her plan for the evening destroyed by 
> the slip decides to go for the next 
> best thing. “you are Kozue like…

S.D.: So she's effectively a female Akio who prefers her twin brother, and
then pulls a sword out of his chest. (A beat) And almost makes out with
Anthy. But that was in the Car.

> but 
> more permanent...ehem…” Kotori gets 
> starry eyed. Sun makes gagging 
> movements

S.D.: As do the audience.
(ALL make gagging movements.)

> Akio rolls his eyes.

Mark [banker]: Eleven, player wins.
Ranma X [Juri]: H-how?
Skrib [Akio]: Well, I am Dios, aren't I?
Ranma X [Juri]: Dammit!

> “R-eally?” says an euphoric Kotori Jury 
> smiles Sun makes gagging noises. Akio 
> wins a marathon in eye rolling. 

All [monotone]: Yay.

>With 
> this a very happy Kotori, and a 
> slightly tiered Jury

NeoVid: Class, here you can see the multiple layers that the artisans
thought would set off Juri nicely...

> leave the room… 
> “where do you get all the energy?” Jury 
> is heard saying as they walk away down 
> the hall.

S.D.: Chocolate-coated coffee beans, with a cup or two of pure sugar.

> “well that was interesting.” 

Zeek: No... it... wasn't.

> Says Akio…he realizes that he is getting the 
> cheap meager lines of this fic so he 
> decides to leave…

Skrib: ...but not permanently as the authors have him on contract.
Mark [Akio]: Nooooooooooooo!

>Sun is left all to 
> herself…well at least Ruka is supposed 
> to show up…

Ranma X.: Well if he doesn't die on the way over, anyways.

>
> by the door from the stairs a very 
> tiered Miki

NeoVid: *ahem* And here we see where the artists went completely overboard
on the layered look...

> gets up…the last thing he 
> can remember is coming to the tower to 
> look for Jury…then on finding her 
> ‘busy’ 

Skrib: Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

>screaming in horror, running 
> toward the door, nearly getting 
> consumed by the blob of gelatinous pink 

Zeek: I thought it was blue at first.
S.D.: Shouldn't that be red? It was Touga, not Utena... (pauses, musing)
Although that explains why it's trying to eat Miki...
(Long pause. Ranma X and Zeek turn several different shades of green.
S.D., Skrib, and NeoVid smirk.)
Mark: ...I didn't get it.

> stuff…

Zeek: That's what happens when marshmallows stay in the shelf for too
long. True story.

>after clawing himself out he 
> remembers trying to tear the door down, 
> and then the fumes of the chemicals on 
> the table getting to him…he looks 
> around the room… all is absolutely 
> clean…not a speck of pink stuff 
> anywhere…

NeoVid [Miki]: Finally, I'm free of Mokona!

>he sighs in relief… 

Zeek: o/~ Oh, oh, ohohoh, oh, oreo o/~

> ‘what a 
> weird dream’ he thinks as he walks down 
> the stairs. As he makes it to the 
> first level he screams in horror 

Skrib [Ned Flanders as Miki]: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! Purple curtains! I
always wanted purple curtains! Eeeeeeeeeeeee!

>and 
> faints. There before him the entire 
> Ohtori school is completely engulfed by 
> a huge pink gelatinous mass.

Ranma X.: So this is Ghostbusters II now?

> 
> Visit us next time to see: The huge 
> pink mass that ate Ohtori

Mark: I suddenly got an idea for IDFRL. (grins)
Skrib: Well, you can use it after I finish my part and it gets posted to
http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net/idfrl/idfrl.html .
Ranma X: Doesn't it involve hell freezing over. 
(a pause) 
Skrib: Hey, isn't that in your Chosen Warriors ending, Mark? 
Mark: Yeah, which after I finish it will get posted to
http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net/choswarr/choswarr.htm . 
NeoVid: And I thought I was the URL slut.
(Mark and Skrib whistle innocently.)

> The romance 
> of Kotori And is Ruka ever to show up?

Mark [Ruka]: Not if I can help it.

> “Not with my luck he won’t” says an 
> exasperated Sun. “oh that is nasty…will 
> you two keep it down!” 

Ranma X.: Damn. It just always sucks when the story is sidelined by Akio
having sex with Touga, 17 women, and at least one wild animal.
Skrib: The sad part is that the best stuff involves the said wild animal. 

> 
> thus the plot is set for the next 
> middle...and it is "finally" up! :>

(Skrib and NeoVid have lecherous grins on their faces.)
Zeek: [sighs] I'd hit them, but I got the same image.

> Sun sits...then lacking a 
> better thing to do, 

Skrib: No surprise there. 

> she stretches out 
> on the carpet...

Mark [Sun]: Meeeeeeooooow! 
Skrib: Rrrrip! 
Zeek: That better be not what I think it is... >_< 

>hmmm.... Massaging 
> carpet...wait a minute...carpets don’t 
> vibrate...

Ranma X: Little did she know that she fell asleep on Chewbacca.
Skrib: The Wookie was not pleased when he woke up.
(A beat)
Skrib: ...well, I guess he could be. 
S.D.: (sighs) That riff could have been interpreted in a lot of different
ways, you know.
Zeek: (growls, hand on sword hilt) I know, I know.
Skrib: ^-^_v 

>”oh for gelatinous’ sake...will 
> you two KEEP IT DOWN!” Sun sulks... you 
> see Ruka was supposed to have been 

NeoVid: --A decent human being. Whoops.

> there half an hour ago...but he isn’t. 
> Suddenly she feels faint hearted...

Mark: She shouldn't have ridden on that roller coaster if she had heart
problems.

>what if the evil bitch from hell got at 
> him?’ 

(NeoVid manages not to glance at S.D.)
Skrib [Asuka]: I'd damn appreciate it if you didn't include me in this
fic, authors! *WA-TAK!* 

>Sun shudders, she pulls out her 

(NeoVid starts to say something.)
Ranma X: Don't... please, for the love of my insanity, *don't!*
(NeoVid closes his mouth.)

> shotgun, and proceeds to hunt down 
> shiori.

Mark [Sun]: (puts finger to lips) Shhh! I'm hunting Shiowi.
Zeek: It's Shiori season today.
Skrib: Just like every other day! Shiori's in season!
Zeek: I didn't need to hear that.

> Authors Note: Sunday does not hate 
> Shiori 

Mark [narrator]: Their frequent fights and lawsuits show how much they
love each other.
Skrib [narrator]: They're just misunderstood.
S.D.: That's not hard to misunderstand.

>because she is a bitch, who 
> sleeps around. 

Zeek: No, that's why she likes Shiori. Duh.

>She isn’t even that 
> angry at her for getting Ruka...

Skrib [narrator]: As long as she can share Ruka. 

> after all 
> she IS a real character of the 
> story...

NeoVid [narrator]: ... not like some horny over-active schoolgirls I
could--
Ranma X [author]: Hey!
NeoVid [narrator]: ...I'm so fired, aren't I?

>and the point that she doesn’t 
> dote on Jury is not that much of a 
> problem either because, after all, she 
> is strait...

NeoVid: Yes, she is really a body of water, temporarily turned human.
Skrib: ...jacketed? 

>No, what re-aly bugs Sun, is 
> the point that she is soooooooooo 
> fucking cute

NeoVid: My god, authors! Such language!
S.D.: (chokes) Shiori? The goat-girl from hell? The one who effectively
replaces Akio in the movie? The one who sleeps with anything male in the
series? Cute?
Skrib: That's not cute?
Zeek: Not unless your in one of those paralax alternate dimensions, where
everything you hear is WRONG! 
(A beat.)
Zeek: Not that I've been to one mind you.
Skrib: What sort of a reason is that? It's like hating Card Captor Sakura
for being excessively cute. 
S.D.: Two words, Skrib -- English dub. 
Skrib: ...Point taken. 

>...shiver.... ewww...cuteness.

Mark [authors]: Ewwww... pokemon merchandise.
Skrib [authors]: Ewww... Card Captor Sakura. 
NeoVid [authors]: Ewww... Tickle-Me Elmo Dolls.
(A pause.)
Mark: Maybe they have a point?
Skrib: No way! 
(Skrib takes out a Sakura plushie, hugs it, then proceeds to make faces at
and taunt the screen.)
Zeek: Sit down! You're giving me a headache.

> Sunday proceeds to walk down the 
> stairs, when she is nearly mowed over 
> by Miki

S.D.: Looks like Miki's looking to earn some money during spring.
Mark [Miki]: Ahhh! I just love the smell of freshly mowed Sunday.
(A pause. Others look at Mark.)
Skrib: ...Dammit, you beat me to it. 
Mark: Ewww... I feel so *dirty!*
NeoVid: (Muttering) I sense a power in this one.

>...who crashes head on into her. 
> Sunday shrugs...she sighs... 

Ranma X [Sunday]: Great, I get mowed over again. What else is new? Ho-hum! 
Zeek: We're blaming you for this, Mark. 
Mark: IT'S NOT MY FAULT! 

>“Miki?” “mhuh” 
> answers a very muffled voice. “Get YOUR 
> FUCKING HEAD OUT OF MY CHEST!!!!!!!” 

(Skrib facefaults, while everyone else collectively blinks.) 
NeoVid: ...DAMN. That's not even close to where it's supposed to go!

> she hollers out “CAUSE DAMN! THE EXCUSE 
> OF YOU BEING STUCK DOESN’T EVEN APPLY 
> IN THIS CASE!”

S.D.: (to the ceiling) And now they're insulting themselves for us!
Jonatan [over intercom]: You aren't getting out of there until it's over.
Zeek [suspicious]: And how much is left?
Jonatan [over intercom] *More* than enough. Now don't bother me again
until your brains dribble out your ears.

> Miki quickly removes his 
> head and begins to wonder...what would be 
> worse....Sunday...or the blob...

Zeek: Sunday.
Mark: Hard to say... but then again, Fred J. Dukes was always a pushover.
NeoVid: (nodding in agreement) Definitely a jobber, that Dukes.

>he looks 
> Sunday up and down...

Zeek: Left and right...
Ranma X: Forward and backward...
S.D.: Front and back...
NeoVid: Stop and go...
Skrib: Now and then...
Mark: Here and there...
(A pause.)
Mark: Which incidentally, was a damn good anime.
Skrib: Amen to that. 

>and runs down the 
> stairs. “Predictable” mutters Sunday.

Zeek: Told you, was right.

> What was not predictable was that 

NeoVid: ...someone's prediction of the End of the World was *right*!
Skrib: ...sadly.

> Sundays voice was in perfect sync with 
> the wavelength of the fire alarm...

Mark [Maya]: Synchro rate at 99%! She's melding with the fire alarm!

>thus all of the fire alarms in Ohtori went 
> off to the thunderous voice...Sun, now 
> totally drenched, 

Zeek: Hmm, usually fire alarms are NOT indoor water sprinklers.


>turns on her heal 

Mark: She's studying to be a Master Monk, you know. Check out her Heal
level 4.
NeoVid: But then, where would she find a Vigor Ball?

>to 
> go back to her room...it is then that she 
> notices that Ruka is staring VERY 
> worried at her. “With my luck...it 
> figures.”
> 
> In the mean time Juri and Kotori are ....

Skrib: Finally!
NeoVid: Some action!
Skrib & NeoVid: Woohoo!
(S.D. pulls out the Masamune and clocks Skrib with the hilt. Unfortunately
for NeoVid, he's close enough to get hit with the blade at the same time.
Fortunately for NeoVid, she kept the scabbard on it this time.)
S.D.: (Look of Death (TM) and glowing faintly) No. Juri. SI. Yuri.
(Zeek then pulls out his blade and growls.)
Zeek: Forget that, if they do anything, they DIE!
Skrib: Gee, took you this long to figure it out? 

> We are sorry to interrupt this program 
> o bring you this important message. 

Skrib & NeoVid: DAMNIT!

> Ohtori academy us being taken over by a 
> gelatinous mass...

NeoVid [announcer]: --resistance is futile.
Zeek [gelatinous mass]: All your academy are belong to us!
Skrib: The Attack Jelly, in a cameo role no one ever suspected! 
Mark: Really? 
Skrib: ...No. 

>this mass is doing 
> terrible things to the students. 

Mark: It gave them instant F's in P.E.
S.D.: I was right. That is why it was trying to eat Miki.

> Terrible unmentionable things to 
> students...

Skrib: It forced them to--
(NeoVid [announcer] smacks him with a rolled-up newspaper.)
Skrib: Ow! Why'd you--
NeoVid [announcer]: I *said* they were *unmentionable*, cretin!
Skrib: Oh, yeah, they're-- SMACK! --Ow. 

>once unmatched since Touga’s 
> horny spree of 1995... 

Mark: ...and before that, the great Ohtori Cafeteria Food Fight of 1987.

>we recommend that 
> all students lock themselves into air 
> tight container...

NeoVid: --to seal in the freshness.
Mark: Beacuse with Foreverware(tm), it will stay as fresh as the day it
was made... forever!

>no wait...you’ll sufficate...

S.D.: No, they'll only suffocate.
Zeek: Which wouldn't be a bad thing.

>so don’t do that...ummm... we 
> recommend that all students run really 
> fast 

Ranma X: --while screaming their heads off like ninnies--

>onto the nearest isolated 
> island...

Mark: Yeah, because if they could run onto the island, nothing else can...

>this is Terra Yaki 

NeoVid: --Being a cheap pun.

>reporting...if 
> you excuse me...I need to run...

Skrib: Go, Terra Yaki! Run! Be free!

> Wow...damn...who would have thought that 
> that would have gone into so much 
> nasstyness

Mark [Prince John]: Stop hissing in my ear!

>...ick...hmmm...what...huh? You mean 
> that you couldn’t read what was read 

All: Huh?
Zeek: We couldn't read what was read?
S.D.: Maybe it meant we couldn't read what was happening?
Mark: We wish.

> because you were listening to a news 
> broadcast...well too bad 4 u!

NeoVid [authors]: Y34h! W3 ru1 U!!!

> Anyway, Sun looks at ruka, Ruka looks 
> at Sunday. “Err...Sunday?” “No

Mark [Sun]: ...today's Monday.
Skrib [Sun]: Tuesday morning in the other side of the world. 

> Terry 
> Jaki...who’d ya think?” “Well it was 
> either you, or one of Touga’s 
> disgruntled girlfriend...” Ruka ducks at 
> as an olds mobiole comes flying at his 
> head.

S.D.: At least it wasn't the Akio-Car.
Zeek: That was overbudget, they had to use an Olds mobiol or the caddilac
collaige.

> “This is not a good day...this 
> is not a good day!” 

Ranma X: --she said, while clicking the heels of her ruby slippers
together. Her wish came true and a house fell on her. The end.

>says an exasperated 
> sun...she is sitting on her bed, covered 
> in a towel. 

Skrib: --and nothing else. (ducks)
(A pause.)
Skrib: Wha--? (To Zeek) You didn't hit me?
Zeek: I was going to... before you ducked.
(Zeek hits Skrib on the head with the pommel of his sword.)

>Ruka looks at her. “Oh 
> sure, tell yourself that a couple 
> thousand times and see how it turns 
> out.” 

Mark [Ruka]: ...and don't you make faces at me, young lady! Do that enough
times and your face will stick like that!

>“I hate my life! 

Ranma X: I hate her life too.

>Nothing ever 
> goes my way...sniff!” Sun pulls off her 
> wet sweater and rubs her

(Zeek and Ranma X tense.)

> arms 

(Zeek and Ranma X relax.)
Skrib: ...against her bre--
(Zeek and Ranma X explode. Sadly, Skrib was in ground zero.)
Skrib: Ow! Can someone hand me my nose?

>with her towel.
> 
> Now totally soaked...and plain annoyed 
> she sulks. 

NeoVid: She sure does. ...Oh wait, 'suLks...'

>Ruka sighs...after all this 
> is the person who helped him come back 
> to life, 

Mark: Sunday the Necromancer. Replacing Buffy the Vampire Slayer next fall.

>so he felt at least indebted 
> to her, and over all she is looking 
> kinda adorable...in the kicked puppy 
> sense. 

Zeek: ...Right, it's always adorable to kick puppies.
Mark: ... you ever had therapy, Zeek?
(Zeek shrugs)
Skrib: Some don't kick puppies. They eat 'em. Yum. 

>He sits down beside her...and 
> helps her get dry by rubbing her hair 
> with the towel. “Oh it isn’t that bad.” 

S.D. [Ruka]: Just think, what if you weren't an author avatar?

> “Sure...it isn’t like you are 
> soaked!!...Things NEVER go my wa...” 

NeoVid: Nope. You've gotta learn to keep track of your wa.

>Sun looks at her predicament...yes she is 
> wet...but the clothing isn’t hers, she 
> had borrowed it from her sister...

Mark [Sunday, suddenly realizing]: Ohmygod! My sister's going to freaking
*kill* me!

>yes her hair is wet...but the dye doesn’t come 
> out...

Skrib: It wasn't ready. It still has to wait a few more weeks in its
cocoon.

>and yes, yes indeed she is cold...

S.D. [Sunday]: I'm pathetic! Waaaaaah!

>BUT Ruka, yes Ruka, is sitting beside 
> her...on a bed...in her room, 

NeoVid: Will you eat it on a boat, with a goat, in a coat?
Mark [Johnny Bravo]: I won't eat it, not one box. I won't eat it with a
fox! 

>which is 
> locked...drying her hair.

NeoVid: Hark!
Mark: What?
NeoVid: Do I sense the hint of lemon in the air? (grins)
Zeek: Unfortunately, I'd say yes.
Skrib: Hecubah! ^_^ 

> Sunday boils with evilness....’Oh this is 
> going to get interesting...If Shiori 
> thinks that she alone can be a slut she 
> is mighty wrong...

Skrib: You have to have some help to be a slut. Lots and lots of it. 

>I may not be cute...but 
> I’m tall...that HAS to be worth 
> something....’

S.D.: Well, she can try out for the basketball team...of course, Utena
would beat her.
Skrib: As usual. 

> Sun smiles evilly. Ruka 
> feels a shudder...

Mark [Ruka]: Damn, I'm cool!
(Pause. Others stare at Mark.)
Skrib: That was, like, way past the mark there, my friend.
Mark [sheepish]: Sorry, sorry.

>he grins “you know when 
> you shiver, it is supposed to mean that 
> someone has stepped on top of your 
> grave.” Sun smiles sweetly at him 
> “Frankly Ruka dear...I don’t give a 
> damn.”

Zeek [Reporter]: And in other news, damn's are going up in prices cause
people are collecting them and not using them, for they just don't give a
damn.
NeoVid [Sun]: I'm giving you something else.
Skrib: You know... nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
Mark: ...And the innuendo in that scene is gone with the wind. (sighs) 

> “Jury did you hear someone scream?” 

NeoVid [Juri]: Why, you did after...
(Zeek, Ranma X, and S.D. flank NeoVid with weapons drawn.)
Ranma X [coolly]: No.

> Miki tears down the stairs he them 
> crashes head on into the blob...he looks 
> at the blob, the blob looks at him...

S.D.: And that's how the two first met.
Mark: It was love at first sight.

>”oh boy...” says Miki. 

Skrib [Miki]: I knew I shouldn't have eaten that Green Jello for lunch.
NeoVid [blob]: Revenge!
(Skrib [Miki] gulps.)

>“I will kill you, you 
> nasty blob!” screams out a voice from 
> behind Miki. Miki turns and stares at 
> [all in one breath] Kagato22, 

Zeek: Kagato22? Couldn't they even get the real one?
NeoVid: Kagato's Revenge... *twitch*
(Skrib growls.) 

>the Pope 
> of the Church of Hentai, master of 
> Sexcraft, ruler of 1/4 of the Universe. 

Males: Who?
S.D.: Sounds vaguely like Akio...
Zeek: Who cares, call Carver.

> “Umm...are you going to destroy the 
> blob?” 

Mark [Kagato22]: No, I shall... (powerposes) run away like a scaredycat
after raising your hopes for a while.
Skrib [Miki]: ...great.

>“Hmmm...?” asks Kagato as he looks 
> Miki up and down...

NeoVid [Kagato]: Hey, he's kinda cute.
(Mark twitches.)

>all the while 
> wondering if he could somehow set him 
> up with his sister (Miki’s not 
> Kagato’s)...

Mark: Well, we should hope not!

>he decides that as the ruler 
> of ¼ of the universe... 

Zeek: Can't he decide in words and not symbols? Damn Matheamtician.

> he damn well 
> can...thus Miki is transported out of 
> there in a jiffy. “I AM A GENIOUS!!!

Mark [Kagato22]: ...even though I can't pronounce what I am!
S.D. [Kagato22]: ...nor, spell it correctly!

>...No wait...that doesn’t leave anyone for me...” 
> “I like u...” says a female voice behind 
> him.

Skrib [female voice]: It's my most favorite letter in the *whole* alphabet!

>Kagsto turns around...and gets a 
> nose bleed...

Ranma X: I'd rather he get a full-body bleed...

>there stands a woman and she 
> is wearing one of them there tiny lil 
> pieces of clothing...

Mark [old-timer narrator]: Yep, them there tiny lil pieces... haven't seen
those in a while... not since the gold rush in 1988, I tell ya!

>something then hits 
> him. 

Zeek: Unfortunately, it was the Orient Express on a detour.
Mark: The poor, poor bug.

>A) she is way TOOO perfect 

Ranma X [Kagato]: She is obviously an android killer and must die!

>B) she 
> is totally pink and made of gelatin and 
> see-through 

Skrib [Kagato]: Whoah, mama! I can see your...
(Zeek draws his sword halfway with an audible *ting.*)
Skrib [Kagato]: ...lovely face.
Neovid: That was one lousy comeback. 
Skrib: (grumbles) So everyone can see through me. What am I, pink gelatin? 
(S.D. experimentally pokes Skrib on the shoulder with the tip of her
sword, and giggles.) 

>After letting out a blood 
> curdling scream Kagato pulls out his 
> handy, dandy, blob repellent...gorges 
> himself with it...

Zeek: So he stabbed himself with the repellent?
S.D.: That's gouges.
Zeek: Would have been neater.

> and then runs into the tower...

Mark: ...and this is what the ruler of 1/4 of the universe does when
confronted with trouble?
Skrib: You should see him when he's attending a meeting of his Congress.
Zeek [senator]: Sir, we're here to discuss the new education reform bill
and...
Ranma X [Kagato]: Aaaaiiiiiiieeeee! (Runs to the back of the theater.)
Zeek [senator]: ...he's gone. C'mon, guys, let's just impeach him.

> After running for a while...he 
> stops...panting heavily, and leans on a 
> door...which appears to be open...

Skrib: He happened to run into the set of the next Three Stooges movie.

>It is then that he is nearly owed over by 
> Ruka 

S.D.: Witness Ruka in his new role as the Debtor!

>as he runs from one of the rooms. 
> “You are EVIL!!!!...

Mark [Ruka]: You do *not* use Cool Whip that way!

>No wait...if you were 
> evil that would be good...

Skrib [Vampire Eddie Murphy]: Because evil *is* good!

>you are worse 
> then evil...I just came back and...agh!

NeoVid [Ruka]: Haven't you heard about "recovery time?"

> What do I look like Touga.” 

S.D. [Sun]: Well, Touga effectively got laid with every one of you...
Mark [Ruka]: But that doesn't mean I like him! 

>“Well considering Touga’s current condition I 
> should hope not!” “Ugh!” says Ruka...now 
> totally out of things to say. 

NeoVid [Ruka]: That's the last time I go to Ok and Gog's Language School.

>“You didn’t have to attack me...you could have 
> asked!” 

S.D. [Sun]: Could I attack you now?
Mark [Ruka]: Umm, yeah, sure, I guess so-- Hey, wait a minute!
S.D. [Sun]: Damn!

>“Knowing the men I have dated 
> they would have fainted! How was I 
> supposed to know that you wouldn’t!” 

Skrib: Use stronger breath mints.

> “Well...well...I thought you liked me...

NeoVid: Where'd THAT idea come from?

>and 
> you brought me back and...” “Why the hell 
> did you think I brought you back? Out 
> of the goodness of my heart?” 

Zeek: Yep, he's trying to get rid of all that goodness.

> “Umm what is going on?” asks Kagato...

Skrib [Kagato22]: I can't figure out who's saying what. 

> he then stops 
> himself as two freezing looks hit him. 

Ranma X: Later, they dragged him around town labelled "The New Newly
Discovered Iceman."

> “Umm...never mind.” He walks swiftly to 
> another room, and decides to hide in 
> there.... He opens the door...and nearly 
> dies of blood loss. 

NeoVid [Jason]: Damn. I've gotta get a longer chainsaw. This one only
nicks people.

>“Kotori...I thought 
> that you said that you locked the 
> door...” 

Skrib [Juri]: We don't want him to think that we actually *planned* for
him to *accidentally* walk in on us...
(Ranma X, Zeek and S.D. scream and rush Skrib's seat, only to find a
Skrib-shaped cloud and a sign that read "Gone fishin'".)
Ranma X: Damn, he's quick.
(S.D. turns the sign around, which on the reverse side reads "I can take
a hint, you know".) 

>“Well I thought I did...but I 
> guess that I was too BUSSY to do it 
> properly.”

(S.D. begins twitching dangerously.)
Zeek: Too bussy? Huh? She was too much a vehicle that's yellow, has a
fuel injected motor, and picks up adolescent kids?

> “Hmm...you appear to have a 
> point.” “Thank you.” “Maybe we ought to 
> get...presentable...

NeoVid: Don't get up on my behalf. (grins)

>before the young man 
> dies...” “NO!” screams out Kagato in 
> protest. 

Mark: Get presentable after he dies! Then he'll care more!
(Skrib quietly sneaks back to his seat.)

>“I wanna die happy!!!...And at 
> this rate I will!!”

Ranma X: I'd prefer your death be slow and painful, but... (shrugs)

> Kagato is then pushed out of the 

Zeek: --Window.

>door 

Zeek: I get my hopes up too much...

> and straight into Ruka and Sun who are 
> about to tear each other’s throats out. 

NeoVid: Whoa! This is a new kind of foreplay.

> Akio walks into the room. ‘One couple 
> is here.’ He notes ‘another is in the 
> other room.’ He notes again ‘and there 
> is one solitary soul right here...’ 

Mark [Akio]: Good day, sir. Could I trouble you for a moment to fill out
a census?

>he grins evilly...he walks up to Kagato. 
> Kagato, in the mean time has come 
> too...

NeoVid: He stars in X-rated films in his spare time, so...

>he looks around...all appears the 
> same...but where the hell is his shirt? 
> ...It is then that he notices Akio...

S.D.: (suddenly back to normal) Yaoi incoming! Maybe this'll be decent
after all...

> he 
> screams and runs like the living hell 
> out of the room, and into the hall. 
> ‘Pooh.’ Thinks Akio ‘there goes my fun 
> for the evening.’ 

S.D.: (snaps fingers) Damn. Looks like that's not happening... wait,
where's Mark?
(Mark pops his head out from the back of the theater.)
Mark: Thank goodness!
(Mark returns to his seat.)
NeoVid: You're scared of yaoi? Ha! I scoff at your lack of confidence in
your masculinity!
Mark: I'm not scared... I just feel *really* uncomfortable with it.

>~~~ In the mean time 
> Miki looks up...he is in a bed...he is tied 
> to it...and a very happy Kozue is sitting 
> beside him wearing a very revealing 
> bathrobe. “So Miki...what do you want to 
> do today? 

NeoVid [Miki]: You. I mean, you *decide*, yeah...

>...Or rather what do you think 
> that we are going to do?” Miki gulps, 
> and looks hopefully at his sister 

Mark: (does a spittake) His sister?
S.D.: You've never seen Shoujo Kakumei Utena, I take it. Nanami wants to
screw Touga, Kozue has been trying to get in her twin's pants for years
now, Akio is screwing Anthy and his fiancee's mother...
Mark: (shaking his head) I really *must* watch that series... if only for
the surrealness factor.

> begging for some sort of miracle to 
> occur... “Umm...are we going to go to sleep 
> in each of our separate beds?” “Guess 
> again.” Akio stops feeling sorry for 
> himself just long enough to feel the 
> trouble in the air...he sits up...”there is 
> trouble, in Ohtori!”

S.D. [Akio]: My Akio-sense (TM) is tingling...
Skrib [Akio]: And that's not the only thing that's--
(Zeek slams the hilt of his sword into the side of Skrib's head.)
Skrib: (sourly) Do you mind? I lost 20000 brain cells with that last hit!

> ...he looks up into 
> the cloudy sky, and there the rose 
> signet sign shines on the clouds. “To 
> Ohtori caves Robin!” 

NeoVid [exact Bart]: Who the hell's Robin?

>“Tweet?” 

Skrib: o/~Tananananananananananan! o/~
Mark: ... okay, now I've seen everything.

>~~~ 

Zeek: I always thought the stars were better.

> In the mean while Jury and Kotori had 
> managed to calm Ruka and Sun...namely by 
> dropping three tons of itching powder 
> on them...

Ranma X: --knocking them unconscious.

>and letting THAT bring to them 
> a new occupation...

Mark: Professional backscratchers. It's not just a career, it's a
lifestyle!

>namely scratching at 
> their arms and legs as vigorously as 
> possible.... “Jury, you realize that when 
> they get out of this...

Zeek: They'll be all red and puffy and swollen up like balloons?

>they will kill 
> us.” “Naturally...but the question 
> is...when are they going to get 

NeoVid [Kotori]: --The hint that we should be killed if they ever want
their lives to be safe?

>out of 
> their predicament?” 

Skrib [Oliver]: Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten me into,
Stanley.

>“Well...when they get 
> washed...?” “Hardly...I mean...

S.D. [Juri]: ...laundry night isn't until next Thursday.

>if you can’t 
> leave the room, you can hardly get 
> washed....” With this Jury holds up a set 
> of 

Zeek: --Teletubbies tapes. 
Skrib: --Bad Self-Insertion fanfics. 
Mark [Juri]: We'll show them these until they're begging to die!

>keys. “Umm...where’d you get 
> those...?” “I took them from you.” She 
> says innocently. “Oh...wait a minute...what 
> else did you take?”

NeoVid [Juri]: Your virginity.
S.D.: DIE! (aura flares again and ki-blasts NeoVid.)

> “Will you two shut 
> up...and just let us out of here!” 
> pleaded Sunday. “Yah...please...I really am 
> not enjoying this...

Ranma X [Juri]: What? You think we made you scratch yourselves to enjoy
yourselves? You guys are weird.

>please Jury 
> Sama...please?” “Yah...I mean...what have we 
> done to you?” 

Zeek [Juri]: You stole the cookie from my cookie jar!
Mark [Sun]: Who, me?
Zeek [Juri]: Yes, you!
Mark [Sun]: Couldn't be!
Zeek [Juri]: Then, who?
Mark [Sun]: I think Kotori stole the cookie from your cookie jar!
Skrib [Kotori]: Who, me?
Mark [Sun]: Yes, you!
Skrib [Kotori]: Not me!
Mark [Sun]: Then, who?
Jonatan [over intercom]: Hey, look! Baywatch is on!
(All stop and look at the screen.)
ALL: Aaaaauggggh! It's still on!
Jonatan [over intercom]: (snickers) And keep watching!

>“You mean before or after 
> you both began to 

NeoVid: --Get sticky?
(Skrib munches on a chocolate bar.) 
Mark: ...And what is *that* supposed to mean? 
Skrib: I'm snicker-ing. ^_^ 

>argue...hence giving me 
> a splitting headache?” 

Mark [Spider-boy]: Splitting... headache...

>“Umm...before?” 
> asks a hopeful Ruka. “Oh...very well 
> then...before of AFTER you attempted to 
> rape me...Ruka?” “Rape you?” screams out 
> Ruka

S.D. [Ruka]: Why would I rape you? I don't need to because-- 
Skrib [Ruka]: (cutting in) --you were enjoying it!
(Pause.)
Skrib: (normal) Hey, you all know I'm right! 
(S.D., aura flaring, slowly turns to Skrib.)
Skrib: Meep!
(Insert Gratuitous Violence(tm) here. When the dustcloud clears, Skrib
is nowhere to be found.) 
S.D.: Not again. 
Zeek: Don't worry. You'll get him soon enough. 

>...forgetting all about his 
> itchiness. “I did no such thing! I was 
> merle 

Ranma X: If he was crossdressing as Merle, then he didn't have the chance
to do it, see?
Mark: Vahn wouldn't like that.

>trying to get that damned locket 
> away from you!

S.D.: Actually, Ruka has a point. He kissed her and took her locket. If
he had tried to rape her, I don't think his grasp would've been loose
enough for Juri to slap him and escape. And, from her point of view,
stealing the locket likely would have been the worst offense. He persuaded
her to fight him by threatening to crush the locket, after all. Of course,
she lost it anyway...
(Silence.)
Mark: ...hey, look, there's a movie on.
Zeek: Don't remind us.

> Can’t you see that?” 
> “Nope” 

NeoVid [Juri]: Busy playing. Playstation 2. Can't look. Anything else.

>“We aren’t getting anywhere!” 
> “Umm...Why did you have to take the keys 
> from me Jury?” asks a confused Kotori. 
> “Because...you would have been soft 

Skrib: --And warm and sorta fluffy...
Mark: As opposed to soft like a rotten fruit. 

> hearted and given them to them...and then 
> where would we be?” “In a whole lot 
> less trouble...mind you we WOULD have 
> those honkin' headaches...BUT...in a lot 
> less trouble.” “I’ll say.” Screams out 
> Sunday...she then lifts an automatic 
> weapon and aims it at Jury. 

Zeek: About time.

>“Hand them 
> over...or I’ll take them from your cold 
> dead fingers!” Jury sweat-drops...then 
> realizing that she DOES like her 
> head.../

Mark: She's alone in that.

>hands over the keys...and the two 
> are off...racing to figure out who gets 
> priority in the bathroom. 
>~~~~ 
>“I 
> thought that you said that you weren’t 
> going to do that...” “Oh shut up.” Says a 
> flustered and sulky Jury...as it was not 
> often that she doesn’t get what she 
> wants. “Oh Jury?” “What!” she snaps. 
> “Want these back?” Jury turns a cute 
> pink...

S.D.: (again twitching dangerously) Juri does not blush. Nor does she ever
look anything less than cool, calm, and remote, unless she's angry enough
to lose control. This is the woman who can 'persuade' teachers to quit by
looking at them.
(A pause.)
Mark: You know, I think I had a classmate like that once... I think it was
in fifth grade...

> they both walks back into the 
> room...and close the door.... WHEN “AHA!” 
> “Akio...” says Jury crossly. “Why are you 
> here?” “Oh...I’m well...SHIT! 

Skrib [Akio]: Can't a guy get any *privacy* around here?

>Wrong turn...sorry...” “Where are you going?” 
> asks a curious Kotori. 

NeoVid: This is awful tense.

>“Kotori...do we 
> care...now go away Akio...” Jury studies 
> his expression “and you may NOT watch.” 

Mark: ...Survivor.
Skrib [Akio]: As if that's a big loss...

> Akio sighs in disappointment. “Go 
> figure...”he mumbles “first my 
> entertainment for the night runs 
> away...

Ranma X: Moral of the story: never attach legs to your TV.

>:then I can’t find the secret 
> passage...

Mark [Xellos]: That's because it's supposed to be a *secret!*

>and then one of THEM gets more 
> action then I do...is it fair I ask...is 
> it?” 

Mark [Akio]: Why me? Why? *Why?*
(S.D. [Utena], NeoVid [Touga], Ranma X [Saionji], Zeek [Miki], and Skrib
[Juri] open their mouths)
Mark [Akio]: ...don't answer that.

>he then walks away...when he steps 
> on a tile and is swallowed into a wall 
> with a sharp yelp. 

NeoVid: The new meaning of "He was absorbed in the decor."

>“Umm what just 
> happened?” “Does it matter?” asks an 
> impatient Jury. 

Mark: That's new. Usually, it's the judge who's impatient with the jury.

> After following Akio we managed to 

Ranma X.: ...ambush him at the third pass and cut out his spleen with a
spoon.
(A pause.)
Ranma X.: I really *must* get out of this soon.

>get this EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW...because he 

Zeek: Couldn't get any interview anywhere else...

> is our sponsor after all...and it look 
> bad if he got a restraining order 
> against us. 

Skrib: You mean there wasn't one before? 

> Akio: STOP FOLLOWING ME 

Signus[Akio]: Why do you torture me so?!
Mark [Akio]: You're making me look bad!

> Kotori: Sun, maybe we shouldn't have 
> followed him into the shower. 

S.D. [Kotori]: Now, we have to wash out our eyes to get rid of the image!

>Sun: but we did...

NeoVid [Sun]: And now we can blackmail him! What do you think of that,
Stubby?

>and we are...and hello....so 
> Akio...how's it hangin?

Ranma X.[Akio, Relaxed]: A little to the left.
(Skrib opens his mouth.) 
Zeek: No comment. As usual.
(Skrib closes his mouth.)

> Kotori: NOW that is holarious...wow, and hangin 
> it is! 

(All facepalm. Skrib chuckles.) 

>Sun: You know, the guy in my bio 
> book, doesn't even look halph....

NeoVid: Well, *of course* it doesn't look halph if it's not from planet
Qzxerlt.

> Kotori: that is enough Sun. 

Zeek [Kotori]: Don't make me hurt you.
Ranma X [Kotori]: You're getting all burned up.

>Akio: 
> ummm....I'm getting a towel. 

S.D.: What? You should always have a towel with you!
All: May he rest in peace.
[Everyone has a silent minute.]

> ..oO(they're still unscrewable) 

Zeek: That does it... (pulls out a book) Tell me when they're done.

> Sun: nono...it is Ok, we wouldn't want to be 
> an inconvenience!
>Akio: grumble, 
> grumble ..oO(mother told me that I 
> should have thought with my brains, not 
> my head...

Mark [Akio]: But then, she also told me that life was like a box of
chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get.
Skrib: You know, I just had a thought... 
NeoVid: You do? I never knew you had any. 
Skrib: Very funny, haha... Anyway, we know all about Akio by now, right? 
(Everyone else reluctantly nods.) 
Zeek: (glances briefly up from book he's reading) What's the point, Skrib? 
Skrib: My disturbing thought involves what Akio's mother might have been. 
(Everyone shivers.) 

>then those two wouldn't have 
> looked so good when I waas drunk.) 
>

Skrib: Beer - helping ugly people get laid since the Dark Ages. 

> Kotori: I got it "Akio exposed" 

Ranma X.: Tomorrow night on Skin-emax.
Zeek: Nothing new, obviously.
Mark [Kotori]: Not as catchy as "Breaking the Magician's Code," but it'll
do.

>Sun: I 
> like the sound of that. Akio: [looking 
> disgruntled and putting on a towel]

NeoVid: Akio's coming this way! And he looks disgruntled!

> this is in no way funny...stop taking 
> pictures of me! 

S.D.: Boy, paparazzi these days...
Zeek: (Not looking up from his book) Well, I hope Akio does a Princess
Diana...

>Kotori: {clicking away 
> at her camera] oh you like it. Akio: 
> Yes, and you would know, how? 

Skrib [Kotori]: The ninety-degree attention you're giving us. 
Ranma X: Ewww...

>Sun: Akio how do you feel? 

Mark [Freud]: Please, be honest. Tell me how you feel.

>Akio: like I'm about 
> to kill a certan reporter. 

NeoVid [Akio]: I already have the kryptonite ready. Hehehehe...
Skrib: Hey, you can't blame Ran for all those Sakky/Hina pics. I mean,
she's just doing her job... 

>Sun: oh...who?... you can tell us...we won't 
> tell him/her. akio: [makesa strangeling 
> motion with his hands

Mark: From this point on, Akio will be played by Jar Jar Binks.
(Mark immediately gets buried under a mountain of unopened mail.)
S.D.: What are those?
Skrib: (Picking up an envelope and reading the label) It says it's from
a fan of Jar Jar Binks.
(A pause.)
Ranma X: Jar Jar Binks has *fans*?!
Zeek: Well, it's the same group that loves barney, the under 5 group...
Mark: [muffled] ...can someone get me out from under here?

>...aimed directly 
> at the two reporters] Kotori: Umm, we 
> are now going to let you get 
> dressed....yes...that apears to be a 
> good idea....

NeoVid [Kotori]: As long as he doesn't wear the crotchless pants this time.
Ranma X. [Sun]: Or the chaps without pants. 

>[drags sun out of the 
> room]

Mark: Somehow managing to hold onto a beam of light...

> 
> a while later, Akio apears dressed in 
> his usual clashy combo.

Skrib: And this is different from the shower scene how? 
Mark: Clashy Combo: a large dairy frosty desert, baked potato with chili
topping, and a glass of lemonade.
(Others stare at Mark.)
Mark: It's something a classmate of mine ordered at a fastfood once.
(he ^_^;s)
Zeek: They must finally be done now... (puts the book away)

> Akio: I'm ready now. Kotori: Akio how 
> do you feel...

Zeek: ...When you get hit in the head with a hammer?

>about your life. Akio: 
> well I screwed my fiance, I screwed her 
> mother...so I feel good. I also 
> screwed my sister...so that was good 
> too...not to menntion the family of 
> miki...and that 14 year old girl and 16 
> year old guy...

Mark [Akio]: You could almost call me a screwball.
S.D.: Hey, authors! The list's longer than that!
Skrib: Even the family dog? 
S.D.: (nods sagely) Even the dog. 
(Ranma X. Shudders)

>I must say I am pleased with myself. 
>
>kotori: what are your 
> futur plans Akio: to put all my energy 
> into making you both screwable...f

Zeek [Akio]: Not that I will succeed mind you.

> thus removing this page off the face of the 
> internet. Sun: Is miki a boy? Akio: 
> Hell if I know.

Ranma X[Akio]: Hell if I know, I had the kid anyways.
S.D.: He was in the bloody *car*, you ought to know that...

> Kotori: why the akio 
> car? 

Mark [Akio]: Well... "batmobile" was already trademarked. 

>why not a porche or the such? 
> Akio: I personaly go for the leather 
> interior... i guess I like the wind 
> thorough my hair. 

Skrib [Akio]: I also like the feel of leather on our barenaked skin as... 
Ranma X: (growling) Stop it right there. 

> Kotori: Why , oh why 
> did you screw Utena? [sniff] why, she 
> was so perfect? 

Skrib: Exactly. 
S.D.: Why? Jealous? 
Skrib: Ex...no. 

> Sun: and why did you 
> screw Anthy...yesh...does "genetic 
> diseases" ring a bell?'

NeoVid: Yeah, they're what this idea came from.

> akio: let's not 
> get into those [ugh] morals.

Skrib: Hmm. Akio as Andrealphus.
S.D. <Andrealphus>: Keep them *away* from me. I may not have morals, but
I have *standards.*

> Kotori: 
> could you get me into Jury's shower? 

NeoVid [Akio]: That depends... can you fit in the holes?
Ranma X.[Akio]: Hell if I know. She's always giving me the cold shoulder.

> Akio: Interview is now OVER! 

Mark: Anergy empty! You all over!

>Kotori: 
> aww come on...come on...we will stalk 
> you some more!!!! 

Skrib: Yes, stalk him! Stalk him!
Others: A stalking! A stalking!
Mark: And after that, the oral sex!
Others: Yes, the oral...
(A pause. Others stare at Mark.)
Mark: (sweatdrops) What?
Zeek: Burn him...

>Sun: great he is 
> gone...now what are we going to write 
> this article about? 

Mark [Kotori]: I don't know... maybe something about screwing?
S.D. [Death]: Cats... cats are nice.
Ranma X.[Sun]: Home Repair?

>Kotori: ahh we'll 
> make some up...how far from the truth 
> can we be? 

NeoVid [Kotori]: Okay, so we think that Akio is probably an alien who
crashlanded on earth, worked his way up as a Yakuza gofer, made his first
millions making screwdrivers, and was kidnapped by Bigfoot when he was a
nine year old child.
Skrib [Sun]: ...
NeoVid: What?
Skrib [Sun]: Do you really think these up or is this just some mad-libs
game you play in your head?
Ranma X.: What about the part about him being a hologram on the run from
the law?

>An Otorii...

S.D.: ...in the hand is worth two in the bush.

> 
> E X C L U S I V E

Zeek: Not found anywhere else!
NeoVid:Thank Jeebus.

> Interview with Akio Otori

Mark: ...self-confessed screwball. Film at eleven.

> 
> by: Kotori and Sunday Akio...who 
> is her really?

Skrib: And what sentence is him?

> Akio has often been mistaken as a 
> man who hates all things, but in 
> reality, 

Ranma X.: ...he merely hates all things except cheesecake.
Mark: ...he's one of the Kung Fu Creatures on a Rampage! III!

>as Miki's lover, he is a 
> genteel sweet soul...whose hobbies 
> include: fishing making toy airplanes

Mark: ...writing internet fanfiction...
S.D.: ...screwing people...
Skrib: ...surfing the Internet for gay porn...
S.D.: ...screwing people...
NeoVid: ...writing MSTs...
S.D.: ...screwing people...
Zeek: ...playing mindgames with his students...
S.D.: Did I forget to mention screwing people? 

> voulenteering at the local SPCA helping 
> homless kittens find 
> homes.....kittens...get it?...

Zeek: I don't get it.
Skrib: I was about to mention pussy--
*KLANG!* 
Skrib: --ow. 
Ranma X: (sheathes his Battlespatula) You just did. 

>(hilight the blank part if you dare) 

Zeek: Anyone (unsheathes his sword partway) ...dares?
(Skrib and NeoVid whistle innocently.)

>and a bunch 
> of other things. He has often attempted 
> to find love, but on not finding it, he 

Skrib: ...rents it.
Mark: This riff brought to you by Fatal Fury: the Movie.

> often tries and tries...so he screws 
> people....namely most people.

Zeek: That just narrows it SO MUCH DOWN!
S.D.: You can't fault them for telling the truth, Zeek.
Ranma X.: In fact a recent Gallup poll found that Akio has been screwing
84.56% of world population, at least once a week.

> Ummm...yes....... That sucks shit! 
> I have yet to read anything as 
> proposterous as that stupid commentary! 

Skrib: Hey, don't blame us. You guys wrote it!

> the guy is in it for the power...he is 
> manipulative, using his, ehem, screwing 
> as a way to dominate. 

Mark [Freud]: We have to talk to about your... er, sexual aggression.
It's not healthy, you know.

>For that matter, 
> he is so irresistable that even Utena 
> falls for him. in reality he was once 
> dios, but now he is currupted, 

Mark [Writer]: He takes bribes, he gets kickbacks on government projects,
and he also screws with the secretaries... need we say more?
Skrib: So, who're you voting for, Mark? 
Mark: Chu-Chu for Richijou!

>so even 
> though he is as he is, he remains 
> utena's prince. you figure? 

NeoVid: Anything is easier to figure out than this!
Mark: Even quantum mechanics?
NeoVid: Yeah.
Skrib: Or why we live only to die after few years?
NeoVid: Possibly.
S.D.: Or why the green olives are in jars while the black olives are in
cans?
(A pause.)
NeoVid: Okay, maybe not *anything*.

>Well that 
> is what the summary on him says... 

Ranma X: I never trusted Cliff's Notes anyway.

>I figure that that is all crap. Boss 
> is.... interesting, yes. But he aint 
> no god... if I had seen him with a tail 
> and horns I wouldn't be surprised.

Mark [Writer]: ...except if it's Halloween.
Skrib [Writer]: He usually dresses up in a ballerina outfit, you know?

> ****
> Greetings!!

All: Hi, Dr. Nick!

> Everyone at Ohtori seems to have 
> something scandalous happening in their 
> lives. 

S.D.: *That's* an understatement if I ever heard one.

>So, even though we're not 
> really sure what's up with Arisugawa 
> Juri, 

Ranma X.[Writer]: What with her putting that restraining order on the
media...
Mark [movie producer]: "There's Something about Juri"... (shakes head)
nah, wouldn't work.

>we know it must be worth digging 
> up. Even if all it means is that I 
> continue to sneak into her shower. 

Skrib [Writer]: Not that I had any other reasons, mind you...

> So 
> we've set up for an interview with 
> Arisugawa Juri, fencing team captain. 
> BUT!! She seems to have taken a 
> vacation. 

NeoVid: ...when she heard they were coming.

>She was vague when telling 
> me exactly where she was going, 

Mark [Juri]: I'm just going there.
Ranma X [Kotori]: Where there?
Mark [Juri]: There there.
Ranma X [Kotori]: There there... where?
Mark [Juri]: Just there there and somewhere.

>but 
> Yomi Tsu Kuni came up. However! I'm 
> not fooled. 

Skrib: ...much.

>I've stalked Hino Rei long 
> enough to know not to arrange to meet 
> someone at Yomi. 

Mark [writer]: Their iced tea is horrendous!
S.D. [writer]: And don't get me started on their cappucino.

>It is the Shinto 
> underworld,

Zeek [Walter Kronkite]: A seedy, crime infested world of lust, sodomy,
and spirit wards.

> after all. That's a hell 
> of a return trip. 

Skrib [writer]: I should know. Botan sent me the bill from that last time. 

> So! I'm going to visit Takatsuki 
> Shiori, Juri's best friend and 
> seemingly unwilling love interest, 

Mark: I'm thirsty.
(Mark gets up and goes to the back of the theater.)

> while Sun heads off to the hospitol in 
> the Kotori Car (an Edmonton transit bus 

NeoVid: ...That's rigged to explode if he doesn't do at least 50 women a
week.

> with Kotori licence plates. I don't 
> drive) 

Skrib: Thank goodness! Our streets are still safe!
(Mark approaches a vending machine at the back. He pops in a bill and
presses a button. A pause. Nothing comes out.)

>to get an exclusive interview 
> with Tsuchiys Ruka, 

Mark: Darn it!
(Mark starts kicking the machine. After a few loud kicks, a can of soda
drops to the bin.)

>previous fencing 
> team captain and Juri's coach. I 
> wanted to come along to see

NeoVid: ...if I could watch the kinky stuff they do.

> Ruka, but 
> Sun insisted on covering him herself 
> (her exact wording. wait a 
> minute.....)

(Mark walks back to his seat, taking a drink.)
Mark: Did I miss anything?
Zeek: (Not looking up from his book) None, I think.
S.D.: Just the writer making some random comments.
(A pause.)
Skrib: When did this theater get a vending machine?
Mark: I don't know. I just walked back and there it-- 
(Mark and the others turn around and see nothing there.)
Mark: (Scratching head and looking at his root beer in hand) Weird. I'm
not gonna ask. (Takes a big gulp.)

> <scene shift> Sunday staggers into the 

Ranma X.:  ...end of the week, ragged with work and binge drinking at
the local fraternity house.

> hospitol, having walked quite a 
> distance. She got off at the wrong 
> stop,

NeoVid [Sun]: Oh... darn, the next bus stop was the one where it was
legal to do that in public!

> you see, and the driver of the 
> Kotori Car was unhelpfully unwilling to 
> head back. So she walked, got lost, 
> asked directions, walked, got lost, 
> asked directions, 

Ranma X: ...got lost?

>then enters the 
> hospitol to ask directions. 

Ranma X: I'd prefer she simply got lost.
NeoVid [Sunday]: Erm, excuse me... can you direct me to the hospital?
Skrib [hospital worker]: ...err, get lost.

>She doesn't see any actual people, 

Mark: ...only dead people.
NeoVid: And oddly, she's runs across several Max Fleischer cartoon
characters and human representations of vegetables she didn't eat as a
child.

> but two 
> kage

NeoVid: ...tossed a ton of throwing stars at her for taking them out of
Suikoden.

> shoujo are chatting behind the 
> desk. Sunday[politely]: excuse me, but 
> can you direct me to the hospitol? 

(NeoVid and Skrib blink and look at each other.)
NeoVid & Skrib: (pointing at each other) You read ahead?
Ranma X.[kage shoujo A, with slight emphesema and Jewish Accent] Get
lost, kid.

>You 
> see, I've got an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW 
> with Tsu-- Tsuch [reads name carefully 
> off a card, still can't figure it out, 
> so improvises] Ruka,

S.D.: 'Tsuchiya'. Is it *that* hard?
NeoVid [Sunday]: To... suck... ya...

> previous captain 
> of the Ohtori fencing team!! [rather 
> proud of herself] A-ko: I though you 
> watched the episode: Tsuchiya isn't 
> around any more 

Ranma X [A-ko]: He went to that big cutting room floor in the sky.

>Sunday: I don't speak 
> Japanese. Rather, I don't understand 
> spoken Japanese. B-ko: Then Kotori's 
> film comics.

Mark: ...Were worded so we confuse.

> Sunday: I don't read 
> Japanese either A-ko: say, wanna join 
> our theater group? 

NeoVid [Sunday]: That depends. Do you have a good dental plan?
Skrib [A-ko]: No, but we have free beer.
NeoVid [Sunday]: Where do I sign up?

>We've got myself, 
> B-ko, C-ko, and the movie brings E-ko 
> and F-ko. But we don't have a D-ko.

Zeek: Of course, I-Ko got figuratively screwed out of the part in the
movie so she's kinda ticked.
Ranma X.:And L-V-ko broke and started an improv comedy group.
Mark: (rubbing his head) Can someone recap what just happened the last
few paragraphs?
S.D.: Referance to 'Azure Blue Paler than the Sky', Sun doesn't understand
spoken or written Japanese, A-ko wants a new member of the Theater Club.
[beat] Which would make Sunday more annoying than she already is.
Skrib: To make the long summary short - fourth wall breakage. 

> You'd fit right in, AND you'd get to 
> talk to Sekai no Hate-san on our radio 
> shows!

Zeek: Must have been tough when he was a kid and called 'Hate-chan.'

> Sunday: He's my sponsor. I talk 
> to him anyway. B-ko: You'd be a 
> shadow, too! Then you'd NEVER have to 
> worry about being fat! Look at us-- 
> we're easily the thinnest people on the 
> show.

S.D.: *Everybody* on that show looks anorexic. You don't *want* to be
thinner than that.
NeoVid [producer]: We need thinner actresses! Animate some skeletons,
will you?

> Ne? Sunday[happily]: really?! 
> This could be my calling! [remembers] 
> But I need to get to the hospitol to 
> interview Tsuch ... ah, Ruka. Once 
> Kotori finishes with Shiori, she'll 
> head down to see him, and I can't let 
> her get to him first! 

Skrib [Sunday]: She'll wear him out so much that I won't be able to--
Zeek: *A-HEM*.
Skrib [Sunday]: ...get him to type my school report?

>B-ko: The guy's 
> six feet under. Tragic, really, that 
> he only had two episodes, and badly 
> animated ones at that, don't you think? 

Mark: No, I don't think she does.

> A-ko: If you need some information, 
> just remember that.... 

Mark [A-ko]: ...it'll cost you. (Wink, wink)

>how'd it go 
> again? Yeah, he wanted to gain the 
> Miracle Power for the girl he loved on 
> the fencing team. Sunday[confused]: I 
> thought he hated Shiori.

S.D.: ...what brings this on? Shiori was never *on* the fencing team,
authors.

> Remember? He 
> badmouthed her, then Juri tried to deck 
> him? Then he pinned her to the wall 
> and kissed.... [enlightenment] ohh. 
> OH!

Zeek: Is this another gratuitious sex scene?

> B-ko: There now. And here's our 
> card. Come to a meeting, will you? We 
> REALLY do need a D-ko. C-ko's wearing 
> herself out, changing costumes for 
> every character she plays. 

Zeek: ...well also the small problem that she's a midget.

> Sunday leaves the hospitol, to find the Kotori 
> Car parked outside. The bus is 
> equipped with auto-pilot like the Akio 
> Car, so the driver attempted Akio's 
> trick

NeoVid [driver]: Pick a windshield, any windshield.

> of flipping over the windshield. 
> Unfortunately, being a bus, the Kotori 
> Car isn't a convertable, and the driver 
> injured himself badly crashing through 
> the windshield.

Skrib: It's not safe to do *that* when you're driving, you know.

> The driver is unloaded

Zeek: C:\Driver> Unload c:\Driver

> and Sunday gets on for the rather windy 
> ride back to Ohtori (the windshield 
> hasn't been replaced, of course)

All: But, of course!

> to rescue Kotori.
> 
> <scene shift> 

Mark: Time Space Warp!
Skrib: Ngayon din!
Mark & Skrib: (singing while making waving motions) Shi-gi shigi maka
shi-gi lou-wa! Shi-gi shigi!
(Mark and Skrib break down laughing. Other stare at the two.)
Zeek: ...must be a Filipino thing.
Mark: (Wiping a tear from his eye) Ahh, the classics rock.
(Skrib nods.) 
NeoVid: Was that the Filipino dub of Wayne's World?

> Kotori stands outside 
> Takatsuki Shiori's dorm room. She 
> hears low murmuring inside, but has to 
> hurry in this inerview to get to the 
> hospitol to

NeoVid: ...Get her brain removed. It's been getting in the way for this
entire story.

> help interview Tsuchiya 
> Ruka. She knocks. Kotori[calls]: 
> Shiori-saaan! Inside, there is 
> momentary silence, then snatches of 
> conversation : "......her! 
> ......persistant....." "get....of 
> her...." "won't....out of.... shower!" 

Zeek: Death to those that fill in the spaces...
NeoVid: Darn.

> "shhhh!" Then the door opens a crack, 
> and Takatsuki Shiori slips out, 

Mark: A Fushigi Yuugi crossover?
S.D.: Mark, it's Ta-ka-tsu-ki.
Mark: (Looks more closely) Oh... my mistake.

> closing 
> the door quickly after her. She's 
> slightly out of breath, and pushes at 
> her tousled hair as she straightens her 
> clothing, which was literally hanging 
> off. 

Skrib [Kotori]: Hey, clothes, how's it hanging?
NeoVid [clothing]: Hey, everything's slick!

>Shiori: can you make it quick? 
> I'm in the middle of something.

Mark [Slick]: *Sandwich*! Supermodel sandwich!

> Kotori: 
> got a visitor? Shiori: TV. I don't 
> have a 

NeoVid: ...life?

>roommate, so I need the company, 
> you see. Kotori: Okay. I want to talk 
> to you about Arisugawa Juri. 

Mark [Kotori]: Where was she on the night of the fifteenth?
NeoVid [Shiori]: You won't get me to squeal, copper!

> Any idea 
> where she is? Shiori : exact location, 
> no. 

NeoVid [Shiori]: Vague location, yes.
Mark [Kotori]: There there and somewhere?
NeoVid [Shiori]: Yeah.

>But she's busy, too. In fact, 
> she'd REALLY HATE to be interrupted 
> right now. 

Skrib [Juri]: *Nothing* gets in the way of my soaps!

>Kotori: Do you have her new 
> room key? Shiori: she won't copy her 
> room key. Kotori[writing]: 
> ...won't...copy...

Mark: ...Shatner... any more...

> room..key. Okay. 
> Ummm.... Shiori[impatient] is this 
> imprtant? Because there's something I 
> REALLY need to finish. 

Ranma X: Or she'll end up sexually-frustrated.
(A pause. Ranma X facepalms.)
Ranma X: Great! Now *I'm* doing it!
Zeek: Well it's obvious she can't end up mentally frustrated...

>Kotori: can you get me into her shower? 

Mark [Shiori]: I don't think you'd fit in the holes...

>Shiori: I hate 
> to play the possessive bitch in front 
> of anyone but Juri-san, but SHE BELONGS 
> TO ME.

S.D.: Isn't that Juri's line?
Mark [Shiori]: All your Juri are belong to me!
(A pause.)
NeoVid: Mark, that joke is *so* ancient history.

> My property, get it? She may 
> have been unsuccessful at filing a 
> restraining order against you, but I 
> can get you put away for

NeoVid [Shiori]: ...Conspiring to cause brain damage by starring in this
story!

> theft. Kotori: 
> interested in sharing? ^_^;;; Shiori 
> steps away from the door, giving Kotori 
> a hard

Zeek: I knew it.

> shove against the railing. 
> Kotori flips backward over the rail, 

Mark: And what was she doing near the railing in the first place? She was
in front of the door last I heard.
Skrib: Kabayan...
Mark: Yes?
Skrib: Logic? This story? Not in sight?
Mark: (Smacks forehead) Sorry. Forgot.

> managing to grab the post at the last 
> minute. Not particularly athletic or 
> flexible, she's rather impressed with 
> herself. 

NeoVid [Kotori]: Whoah! I didn't know my arm could stretch!
Zeek: Well, obviously that's 'cause your triple jointed.

>Now she wishes for upper body 
> strength.

Ranma X.: Then a pony, then Austrailia, the the World!

> Shiori: The Ends of the World 
> have given me more authority around 
> here than you. 

Mark [Shiori]: *I* can *choose* TV channels!
Skrib [Kotori]: Gasp!

> AND I'm screwable, on 
> top of that! Have you seen my 
> thigh-highs? 

Skrib: I would. (grins)

> Kotori[interested]: only 
> in pictures. Shiori: If you must know, 
> Juri-san is currently living

Ranma X.: ...In a world of delusions.

> elsewhere 
> while an extensive security system is 
> installed in and around her dorm.

Ranma X [Shiori]: We don't want her going out or anyone going in.
S.D. [Shiori, grimly]: Ever.

> That's a hint. 

Mark [Kotori]: Er, can I use another lifeline?

>Now, if you'll ecuse 
> me, I must get back to... watching TV. 

NeoVid [Shiori]: Baywatch is on.

> It's nearing the climax, you see. 

Skrib: Sure, it is.
Mark: Freudian slip. 

> Shiori slips back into her room, where 
> the murmurings start up again, followed 
> by considerably more interesting 
> noises. Kotori remains hanging off the 
> banister until Sunday 

Zeek: ...causing her to miss the early morning mass.

> returns with her 
> ladder.
>
> "wow, Sun, what happened to your hair? 

NeoVid [Kotori, shocked]: It's... it's... gone!
Mark [Sunday]: (sighs) I asked the hairdresser to give me a haircut like
Demi Moore's in "Ghost."
NeoVid [Kotori, confused]: And?
Mark [Sunday]: She only saw "G.I. Jane."
(Skrib does a rimshot.)

> You look like you got a tornado trapped 
> on your head." "Thanks to your stupid 
> Kotori Car. Who else would want a bus 
> than a car?" 

Mark: AEGIS seemed to like it that way.

>"At least I didn't get you 
> the seniors bus! I took that, and sat 
> in front of a lady who wouldn't stop 
> complaining about the number of kids on 
> the bus!"

NeoVid [Sunday]: Then there were those two punks who just kept saying,
"We're on a bus with chicks! Huh huh huh huh..."

> "That was to Jasper! I don't 
> need Jasper! I needed to find Ruka!" 
> "~sigh~ Oh, that pretty, pretty 
> waitress in Jasper.... Sun, I'm in love 
> again" 

Ranma X: All right, that's it! (Stands up.) What the hell are you guys
talking about?!? Who is this Jasper?! What does it or he have to do with
any of this?! What!?
Skrib: Easy, easy.

>"Speaking of which, what did you 
> find out from Shiori?" "That I have a 
> security system to breach, and that 
> Shiori-san looks really nice half 
> dressed."

Skrib: But how would she look in a chicken suit?

> COMPILED NOTES: -Arisugawa Juri is 
> currently busy,

Ranma X.: You call is important to us, but due to unsusally high call
volume...

> though her whereabouts 
> are unknown. 

Zeek: Only that she's there there and somewhere.

>She won't copy her room 
> key. Takatsuki Shiori has not only 
> challenged Kotori's claims to Juri, but 
> made it clear where ownership lies. 

Mark: That's gonna be one strange-looking deed...

> -Juri's current shower has smoked glass 
> sides, and a makeshift lock. -Tsuchiya 
> Ruka is dead and can't offer anything 
> new. 

Ranma X: ...except muttering "Brains! Brains!"

>-Sunday had joined the Kage Shoujo

(The Shining Force party joining theme plays.)
Mark: Not that it's going to help their party any...

> "Hey! You have nothing to do with 
> Juri! What's this about the Kage 
> Shoujo?" "I'm the new D-ko!" "That's 
> great, but you're not a shadow" "They 
> said I wouldn't be fat this way. And 
> how do you know that about her shower?" 

S.D.: It was part of the secret KGB files.

> "Oh, that might even be outdated by 
> now. Apparently she's ordered a new 
> one. I checked the shipment files.

Mark: It turns out that she really wasn't there when they were handing
out the brains.
 
> Hopefully something my glass cutter 
> will get through." "Hey, Kotori, what 
> do the shadow girls say, again?" 

Ranma X: "Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble?"
NeoVid.: "Ooh Eee O-ah-ah! Ting tang walla-walla bing-bang?"
Skrib: "Ashi badashi badashi badu?"'
Zeek: "Dear little buttercup, Sweet little buttercup."
Mark: "I love you, you love me. We're..." Ack!
(Mark is buried under a small hill of thrown weapons.)
S.D. [coldly]: No... Barney...
(Others nod their heads grimly.)
Mark: (muffled, from under the pile) ...sorry.

> "Kashira, kashira, gozonji kashira. 

S.D.: Okay, they get points for getting the quote right.

> But that's only A-Ko and B-ko.

S.D.: ...and lose them for that; the only reason C-ko doesn't say it is
because she never drops out of character, and E-ko and F-ko don't
Shadow-Play. But it still counts as the generic Shadow Play Girl quote.

> Make something up." 

NeoVid: "Down with green peas!"
Mark: "Say no to frogs!"
Skrib: "Long live the re-Volvolution!"
Zeek: "This is a Non-Prophet Area!"
Ranma X.: "Ph33r my l33t sk1llz,d00D!"

>"Beware the Bio books! 
> And stay away from the..." "Cross 
> Dimensional portal?" Well, 
> that was anti-climactical (except maybe 
> Shiori-san's TV show). Head on back. 

Mark: Gladly.
Ranma X:[Beverly Hillbillies Theme] Come on back now, ya hear?

> What EXACTLY what goes on in Anthy's 
> bedroom? [wicked grin]

Skrib: (grins) Do you really want to know? Heh, heh, heh... 
Zeek: NO, we don't. 

>so today we 
> will do a step by step thingy! 

Mark [Swedish accent]: To mov'en the cursor to the left, yoo mov'en the
moose to the left.
Skrib [Swedish accent]: To mov'en the cursor to the right, yoo mov'en the
moose to the right.
NeoVid [Swedish accent]: To mak'en the cursor in a circle mov'en, mov'en
the moose in a circle.
S.D. [Swedish accent]: If the screen is blurry, put 'em on the glasses.
Ranma X.: Bork Bork Bork Bork.
(A hatch opens on the ceiling and a Commando Bunny is lowered. He levels
a machine gun at Ranma X, who yelps and jumps behind his seat. The bunny
reduces the theater seat into fine ash, leaving a wide-eyed Ranma X
staring at the remains. The bunny is lifted back out of the theater.)
Jonatan [on speakers]: We don't sound like that. I call no more Swedish
chef jokes. (grimly) Understand?
(All gulp audibly and nod.)

>About 
> it!!! "in other words we are going to 
> spy on her" Explains Kotori. 

Mark [Sunday]: We prefer the term "investigative journalism."

>"Yes...like I said a thingy" verifies Sun.

Ranma X: 'Cause a watchamacallit is not available.

> With these words Sun takes a running 
> leap, and jumps into Anthy's bedroom 
> through the window.

Ranma X: Landing splat on the ground outside, decorating the sidewalk
like a Valentine's Day mural.
Zeek: Ranma, read it again.
Ranma X: What? (Reads again.) Oh, into. (smacks forehead.)

> "Sun, we are 
> talking about the damned tower here... not 
> some two-story building." Sun smashes 
> into a brick wall...

NeoVid [Sun]: (Powerposing) SUN SMASH!

>after a moment of careful reflection, 

Mark: ...they realized that their lives were pretty much so dull, mundane
and dreary that they really should stop writing fanfics and get out more.
Skrib: We should talk.
Mark: ...yeah. Point.

>she pulls (from nowhere) a 120 stories ladder, 

NeoVid: Because we all know that Nowhere stocks the best in household
items.
Mark [home TV shopping announcer]: Nowhere, for all your 120-story ladder
needs!

>and proceeds to climb it, in order to get 
> to Anthy's bedroom. 

S.D.: And after climbing 120-stories, they'd be so tired they'd fall off
the ladder.
Zeek: We wish.
Ranma X.: Actually a ladder is only stable for about 8 stories, so she'd
fall to her death much faster than that.

>Once on top, Kotori 
> and she quickly plaster themselves to a 
> window. 

Skrib: Looks like they're in a sticky situation. 
S.D.: They might be stuck there for a long time.

> "err..." asks a stumped Sun 
> "...how are we to get in?" "Lucky for 
> you, I have foresight".... Brags Kotori

NeoVid [Sun]: Ha! I have *five*sight!

> as she pulls a glass cutter from her 
> pocket.... "Breaking into Jury's shower 
> again?" "Yep, she had her lock changed 
> again, and so I figured this would do 
> the trick." "It's only a matter of time 
> before she gets a metal shower, you 
> understand?

Mark [Kotori]: No. I flunked Elementary Logic, remember? 
Ranma X.: Cool..I want to have a metal shower. You know have some
Megadeath and Pantera and Black Sabbath play while I'm bathing and...
<looks at everyone else, who are staring at him> oh...oops.

>"y-e-s.... so?" asks Kotori 

Skrib: The better to "conveniently" drop a live tension wire on the
surface. 

> as she pulls out a metal cutter. 
> "neva'mind"

Mark: And the raven says, nevermore.

> With these words the two manage to 
> break into the tower...they then attempt 
> to put the glass that they cut back in 
> place. "That looks awful" 

S.D.: Yes, it looks awful.
Skrib: Definitely.
Zeek: It can't get more awful than that.
Mark: What are we talking about again?
(A pause)
Ranma X: The new N'Sync video.
Mark: Oh, yeah. That's really awful.
Zeek: Hey, there's a fic on.
(The other riffers bombard Zeek with rotten vegetables.)
S.D.: We almost forgot about it.

>points out 
> Sun, looking at the glass cutouts of 
> two silhouettes, poorly glue gunned 
> back where they belonged. 

S.D.: Actually, they would probably have preferred being out in the wild
in their natural habitat.
Mark: (Shaking his head) Those poor, poor glass cutouts. Trapped in their
panes.

>"You're 
> right...let's just remove the whole 
> thing, I mean, who will notice?

Skrib: Well, there are some people who might see that the world suddenly
got coherent...

>these 
> windows are so clean anyway! " 

Zeek [Sun]: It's not that they'd notice there's a draft in here, or that
there're bugs flying through the glass.
NeoVid: Not to mention any stray birds who'd fly into Akio's eyes.

>With the window removed, and thrown down the 
> side of the tower, 

Skrib [narrator]: ...the jagged shards impaling Wakaba, who was just
passing by... 

> the two hide beneath 
> a white leather couch in the spacey 
> room. 

Mark: Lost... in... Spacey!
Skrib: And when Kevin walked in, they jumped out and immediately asked
for autographs.

>"this isn't the bedroom, y'know!" 
> says Kotori, in a hoarse whisper 

NeoVid: The new chick flick: The Hoarse Whisperer.

> "ach-ooo" replies a highly allergic 
> Sun. Their idiotic conversation is 

S.D.: Hey, they're doing it again. 
Jonatan: (through speakers) Tell me something I don't know. 
S.D.: (grumbles) ...

> interrupted by the fall of night. 
> "plunk!" goes the night,

S.D.[Kotori]: Ow that hurt!
Mark [Night]: Oops. Sorry.

> and then 
> searches for a band aid...it hurt its 
> elbow . o O (well I thought that was 
> cute)

Skrib: Suuuure!
Mark: Actually, I thought it was cute.
(Skrib scoots away from Mark.) 
(Everyone else looks at Mark strangely)
Mark: What?

> With the dawning of night the sound of 
> footsteps fills the room, and from the 
> shadows the figure of Anthy and Akio 
> step out. The rather uncomfortable 
> situation is added to, as the SIBLINGS 

Zeek: ...HIT CAPS LOCK BY ACCIDENT.

> walk up to the window and look out onto 
> the landscape.

Ranma X: ...giving the two self-inserts the chance to push them through
the glassless pane and straight down to their deaths.
S.D.: It probably wouldn't hurt Akio, though.

> "Kotori, I really do not want to be 
> under this couch! You know what they do 
> on it don't you?!" 

Mark: Don't they usually just sit on it while watching TV and eating some
munchies? The way they talk it's like they use the couch for other
things...
S.D.: Mark...
Mark: What?
S.D.: Just wait and see.

>whispered a 
> terrified Sun. "Well do something! This 
> was your article idea!?" 

Zeek [Sunday]: Here's another fine mess you got me into, Stanley!

>"No it wasn't, 
> I simply suggested it, it was you who 
> agreed to it! And anyway, Akio made you 
> the leader!" "No he didn't, 

Mark [Sunday]: He passed the Matrix of Leadership to you!
Ranma X. [Kotori, al la Neo]: Whoa...
(A pause.)
Mark: ...er, wrong Matrix there, Ran.

>he told me 
> that he made you it!" "He lied to us!! 
> Just to get power! 

Zeek [Akio]: By the power of Grayskull!
Skrib [Akio]: I HAVE THE POWER!

>The asshole!!! 

Mark: In my country, those people are called "politicians."

>I'm going to kill him!" "Glad you 
> feel that way! 

Skrib: Nice way they conveniently shift the blame here. 
S.D.: Isn't it obvious? It's always Akio's fault. 

> Now why don't you go out 
> and tell him, before things get uncomfy 
> under here!!!" 

NeoVid [Kotori]: Ewwww... what's this sticky stuff? Please tell me it's
Elmer's Glue.
Skrib: No, it's probably someone else's glue.

> "No you tell him!!" "Why 
> me? You are the one that wants him 
> dead!" 

Mark [Kotori]: Well, you were the one who wanted to see him dead.
NeoVid [Sunday]: Well, I'm cuter.
Mark [Kotori]: What does that have to do with this discussion?
NeoVid [Sunday]: Why do you think it has something to do with this?
Mark [Kotori]: Are you saying that being cute means that you get to not
do things?
NeoVid [Sunday]: Does that make sense to you?
Mark [Kotori]: I don't kno-- 
(Water appears out of nowhere and falls on Mark.)
Mark [Kotori]: Crap!
NeoVid [Sunday]: Statement! Point! I win!
Jonatan [over intercom]: When we get sued, you two will be held
responsible.
(Mark and NeoVid whistle innocently.)

>"Metaphorically dead!" "What the 
> heck is metaphorically dead?" 

S.D.: I'd like to think those two characters were metaphorically dead.
Ranma X: Amen.

>What the 
> two did not realize was that their 
> banter was getting 

Mark: ...mind-numbing!

>louder by the 
> minute, and had by then become audible 
> enough for Akio to turn in search of 
> what was making the noise. 

Skrib [Akio]: The rats are sure noisy tonight.

>"What the 
> hell?" he asked, looking around the 
> room, in wonder "..those two have 
> gotten on my nerves to such extremities 

NeoVid [Akio]: ...That my cybernetic limbs won't work from the static!

> that I'm beginning to hear their 
> annoying voices everywhere?" 

Ranma X: It could be a sign of insanity, Akio-kun.
Zeek: You should know, right?
Ranma X: Well, I am an expert on the subj-- Hey!

> Taking the hint the two quickly shut 
> up. "Koto, I don't want to see Anthy 
> naked..." 

Skrib & NeoVid: Well, we do! 

> whispers Sun "Well do 
> something!"

Skrib [Sun]: But I don't wanna do it with you. 
NeoVid [Kotori]: As opposed to doing Akio, perhaps? Or even listening to
Akio and Anthy?... 
Skrib [Sun]: ... 

> By this time, Akio was making himself 
> comfortable on the couch, 

Zeek: He'd better get all the nails and broken glass out of the cushions.

>and Anthy was 
> soon made uncomfortable...and Sun could 
> no longer take these sorts of 
> things...Kozue and Miki, she could 
> stand...she'd even applaud...

Mark: ... their acrobatics.
(A pause.)
Mark: Okay, someone hit me. I felt really dirty saying that.
Ranma X: Gladly.
Mark: No, wait! I didn't mean--
(Ranma X launches Mark to the ceiling with an uppercut spatula strike.
NeoVid takes out a futon from somewhere. He and Skrib move around with
the futon and try to catch Mark's descent. Mark lands on the futon with a
thump.)
Mark: (swirly-eyed, lying on the cushion) Gee, momma... what do people do
on couches? (faints)
(Others glare at Ranma X.)
Ranma X: Whoops, forgot he was the Normal Guy around here. (sweatdrops)
Zeek [grumbling]: Great, now Mark's able to miss this.

>but Akio and 
> Anthy? NO WAY!....which may explain why 
> she literally jumped from underneath 
> the couch and began her speech, 

Skrib: No, I don't think that explained that.

>in Sailor Moon's famous position,

S.D.: Missionary with Mamoru?
NeoVid: Sixty-nine with Rei? 
Skrib: Mother and child with Makoto? 
Ranma X: Six feet under the ground? 

> nonetheless. "STOP! 

NeoVid: Hammertime!

>Nasty siblings! I 
> am Sunday Moon, and 

S.D. [Sunday Moon]: ...I'm a blatantly stupid cosplayer!
Ranma X: What are you two doing?
NeoVid & Skrib: (both leaning closer) Waiting for a transformation
sequence. (identical grins)
(Ranma X facepalms.)

>in the name of all 
> Biology students, and psychiatrists, I 
> will right wrongs, 

Zeek [Sunday Moon]: ...and left rights... no, wait...

>and stop all genetic mishaps 

(Mark starts waking up.)
Mark: Damn, got the strangest dream of being in a Sailor Moon movi--
(Mark looks at the screen.)

>and power hungry people, and 
> that means YOU!" 

Mark: Ahhh!! Sailor Moon tentacle fic flashback! (faints again)
(A pause.)
NeoVid: I didn't remember a Sailor Moon tentacle fic shown here.
Skrib: He told me about that. He got so bored watching Kate's apartment
that he actually visited the Grey Archive.
NeoVid: Oh... I see.

>Akio looked blankly 
> and calmly at Sunday, and then in a 
> tone of Amusement 

NeoVid: Patent pending!

>he smiled and said 

Skrib [Akio]: Have you ever looked at a mirror recently, Miss Pot? 
(S.D. revives Mark with some smelling salts.)
Mark: ...wha-what?
Zeek: We suffer. You suffer.

> "I was correct, I have finally gone 
> insane, not only am I hearing them I'm 
> beginning to see them too....

NeoVid [Akio]: Let's see... I believe the pink elephants are going to be
next...

>will you 
> look at that, and so life like too.

Skrib: Only the finest quality hallucinations for Dios!

> Even I didn't know that I had that good 
> of an imagination." 

Mark: He's the only one who thinks it's good.

>Sun stared at Akio 
> blankly. "But I'm not a figment of your 
> imagination....

Zeek: She's actually swamp gas reflected off Venus. 

>I really am here!" "Of 
> course you are" he says sarcastically 
> "...now where was I?" "WHY YOU NASTY 
> PERVERT!" with this Sun kicked 

NeoVid: ...Ataru, who had shown up for no good reason.

>Akio, a move which she regretted a moment 
> later, when 

Mark: ...the referee disqualified her for the low blow.

>she found a REALLY pissed 
> off Akio standing over her, ready to 
> beat her to a pulp. 

All: GO, AKIO!
(A pause.)
Skrib: What was I *thinking* rooting for that guy? Ewwww...

>"I don't EVER hit women..." 

S.D. [Sunday]: But don't you flirt with almost every--
Skrib [Akio]: I hit *on* them. There's a difference.
S.D. [Sunday]: Oh, sorry. My bad.

>he said between clenched teeth 
> "...but because you barely pass off as a 
> human being, consider yourself dead!" 

All: (chanting) Kill. Kill. Kill. Kill...

> He then collapsed onto the floor in a 
> dead faint. 

All: Huh?
(A pause. Riffers look at each other.)
Mark: Think we pressured him too much?
Zeek: (nodding) He choked at the ending line.

> Kotori emerged from behind 
> him holding a now empty syringe. 

NeoVid: Escaped through the plot hole... 

> "I love all those chemistry classes I 
> didn't take!" "But if you didn't take 
> them, how did you know what to use?" 

Ranma X [Kotori]: I just made sure the pointy end goes through the other
man.

>"I saved you...so does it matter?" 

Mark [The Rock as Kotori]: It *doesn't* matter if you took them or not!

>Sun ponders this for a moment..."Wait does 
> that make you a prince, in shining 
> white armor?" 

S.D. [Kotori]: Not on your life. I prefer blue.

>"I don't know...but I do 
> know that within seconds, what ever 
> that thing I gave him will wear off, 
> and we will be dead, at the hands of 
> evil...

NeoVid [badly dubbed]: For I... am EEEEVIL!!! Ah hah hah, hah hah.

>tehe...so let us make an exit!" 
> "What about Anthy? We have to help 
> her!!!" "Well we could feed her some of 
> this..." 

Mark: How would making Anthy fatter help her out?
S.D.: Mark, almost everyone there looks anorexic. They're doing Anthy a
good thing.
Mark: Oh.
(A pause.)
S.D.: Although it'd be interesting to see an overweight Touga.

>said Kotori, holding a glass 
> vile of purple stuff. "What the heck? 
> What is it...and how do we convince her 
> to take it??" 

Zeek: Tell her it's poison. She's dumb enough to try it anyway.

>"Well considering that 
> she is as drugged as Akio, 

Mark: Whoa! Anthy's tripping!
S.D.: Third Rule of Ohtori: The whole *show's* a work of surrealistic art.
You *have* to be tripping to make sense of it. And don't even *think*
about the movie.

>we dump it 
> down her throat ...and it makes her very 
> emm...hehehehe....Sun remember your grape 
> soda...the one you drank before you got 
> here?" 

Skrib [Sun]: Yes, why?
(A pause.)
Ranma X [Kotori]: Oh, nothing... Say, can I have your DVD when you die?
Skrib [Sun]: Sure, but why do you--Hey! 

>"Yes, it tasted icky...not that 
> grape soda ever tastes normal...but that 
> was exceptionally nasty...and come to 
> think of it...not like grape soda at all,

S.D.: Since there was red smoke bubbling out of it and all.

> and it was the same color as the weird 
> PURPLE STUFF! Oh dear.." "I AM A 
> GENIOUS, I HAVE INVENTED THE 
> UNSCREWABILITY FORMULA!...but it sucks...I 
> tried it on me, and now I have no 
> chance with Jury...oh well..."

Skrib: ...I ran out of riffs. We're doomed. 
Ranma X: Don't worry, we'll take it from here! 
Skrib: ...That's what I was afraid of. 

> Akio begins to stir...and 

Mark: ...he was promptly shaken.

>kind of 
> groggily wake up. The two decide to 
> hurry up.

(NeoVid mimics running in slow motion.)

> "thanx a lot Koto, I'll get you for 
> doing this to me!" Says Sun, as she 
> helps Kotori pour the contents of the 
> vile into Anthy's mouth. 

NeoVid: Even I have to go 'eww' right now.

>They then 
> take a leap out of the window, 

Ranma X: ...straight down to their deaths, splattered all over the
sidewalk, like so many rose petals--
S.D.: ...you *have* seen the movie, haven't you?

>and parachute to safety. 

Ranma X: Damnit!

>"Do you think it 
> will work?" asks Sun a bit uneasily. 

Mark [Kotori]: Have I ever failed?
(A pause.)
Zeek [Sunday]: You *really* want me to answer that question?

> "Oh definitely, remember, even Touga 
> doesn't want to sleep with us, I mean 
> he is the ultimate test." 

Skrib: No... college differential calculus. *That* was the ultimate test!

>"Oh well...I 
> feel so dirty...being a lab mouse and 
> all...I want my screwability back!" 

S.D.: Going to be hard if you didn't have it in the first place...

>"No 
> you don't." "Yah, you would know...give 
> it back!" "But you don't want it!" "Yes 
> I do!" "No" "Yes" "No!" "Yes!" 

All: Huh? What? Huh? What?
(Mark turns to the readers.)
Mark: No, it's not just you guys. We can't get it, too.
S.D.: Who the hell are you talking to?
Mark: (smiles innocently) No one in particular.

>"But then Touga will be after you!" "I'm not 
> thinking Touga!, I'm thinking blue 
> hair, tall...pretty! X-captain...RUKA!!"

Mark: (Scratching his head) Ruka was leader of an X-team?
NeoVid: Boy, Marvel is sure getting desperate these days.

> Kotori rolls her eyes "...he'd never go 
> for you." "Yes he would....

Skrib [Kotori]: No, he wouldn't.
Zeek [Sunday]: Yes, he would.
Skrib [Kotori]: No, he wouldn't.
Zeek [Sunday]: Yes, he would.
Skrib [Kotori]: No, he wouldn't.
Zeek [Sunday]: Yes, he would.
Skrib [Kotori]: No, he wouldn't.
Zeek [Sunday]: Yes, he would.
(A pause.)
Skrib [Kotori]: What were we arguing about again?

>wait a 
> minute....without me being screwable, YOU 
> have less competition...therefore...You 
> will be able to get him!, 

Ranma X: Somehow, the logic of that one missed me completely.

>why you little no good, excuse for a 

Mark: ...Character worth reading about!

>friend!!" 
> "What are you talking about?! I was 
> testing a formula! You jump to 
> conclusions too fast! 

S.D.: ...without even a hypothesis or a working definition of the problem!
Skrib: Rocket scientists, these girls ain't.

>Like the time you 
> said that I was sneaking out every 
> night to see Jury...wait, that is a bad 
> example. Well how about the time you 
> said that I was attempting to get at 
> Shio...forget that one too. 

Ranma X: Huh? Huh? Why? What? ARRRGGGHHHH!!! I gotta get out!! (runs to
the back of the theater)
Mark: Uh-oh...
(A boom is heard. Ranma X is thrown through the air and lands back into
his chair.)
Zeek: What the--?
Jonatan: (over intercom) Look, guys, the Bouncer Bunny is *real* serious
about his job. Comprende?

>Well what 
> about the entire Kozue thing!...no wait, 
> you were right...well...ummm.... So this is a 
> first!" With these words the two run 
> off into the moon set, 

S.D.: (grimly) No jokes about Sun being in a moon set...
(A pause.)
Mark: ...well, you ruined it for us anyway.
(S.D. facepalms.)

>Kotori running 
> for her life, with Sun, close behind, 
> and about to kill her. 

(All bring out cute books and start reading like kindergarteners.) 
S.D.: See Sun run. 
All: Run Sun run. 
Skrib: See Kotori run. 
All: Run Kotori run.
Ranma X: See Kotori kill Sun.
All: Die Sun die.

> Y E T
> 
> ANOTHER

NeoVid: ...BADLY WRITTEN SCENE.

> 
> O T O R I
> 
> E X C L U S I V E

Mark: ...because there was no one else but us!

> BY: Kotori and Sunday 

Skrib: ...kilt-wearing writers-for-hire.

>S W A P 4 P

Zeek: I C A N S P E A K T H A T W A Y T O O . Not that it's fun or
anything...

> What does it mean to Akio Otori? 

Mark: Well, to Akio Tori means you need to be good at impressions...

> Yep, you all heard correctly, 
> Akio has started his little 
> business.... may I add that it i add 
> thta it is not only absolutely 
> successfull but also quite...[ehem]...

Zeek: Akio's ashamed to admit it, but his business is unscrewable.

> interesting, so here is a lil interview 
> with dear ol Akio.

Mark: ...again.
Zeek [Akio]: Won't you people leave me *alone*?

> Kotori and Sun: HI AKIO CHAN!! Akio: 
> [shivers] Kotori: So you starteed a 
> business, and picked us as your 
> personal helpers!!! Sun: ...in a 
> bar...when you were drunk...but you 
> picked us, and not the angry motorcycle 
> person.... 

NeoVid [angry motorcycle person]: I feel so unloved.
Mark: Look at the bright side. He got out of appearing in this fic.

>Kotori: ...why would he pick 
> that guy...we are by FAR cuter. 

Skrib [Akio]: ...I wouldn't go *that* far.

>Sun: I've seen road kill cuter then that 
> guy. 

Mark: Sensitive, aren't they?
NeoVid [angry motorcycle person]: WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

>Akio: can we get this over with? 
> Kotori: akio, what does SWAP4P stand 
> for? Akio: [grins EVILLLLY] Itr stands 
> for: Screw With All People For 
> Power...

Mark [Akio]: Yeah, I know it sounds stupid... bugger off!
NeoVid [Akio]: I thought it was a spam from the title.

>and I do exactly what it says. 

Zeek [Akio]: Not that I've gotten power, it should be just SWAP for now...

> Sun: So you confuse them? Akio: I DO 
> NOT confuse them. Sun: but I'm 
> confused! 

Mark: I can relate.

>Kotori: DOn't mind her...she 
> was born confused Sun: Oh shut up! 
> Kotori: No you shut up! Sun: No U! 

Skrib: Whoah! L33t skills in real life application!

> Kotori: No Y-O-U! 

NeoVid [Kotori]: I know more letters! Nyeah, nyeah!
Zeek: I'd like to buy a bowel...er vowel.

>Akio: I've got 
> it...why don't yopu both shut up! Sun: 
> That is a good idea Kotori: 
> [sweatdrops] Akio: When I screw I do so 
> in bed. 

S.D.: ...and in the Car, and in the piano room, and in the Car, and on the
couch, and in the Car...
Mark [Sun]: But what if you forgot your screwdriver and tools in bed and
go to sleep? Doesn't that hurt?

>Sun: but what about the other 
> interpretation? Akio: what other 
> interpretation? 

S.D.: A lot of things can be interpreted in a lot of different ways.
Mark: Art, for instance. (shakes head) I'll never understand modern art.

>Sun: you 
> know...screwing with peoples minds. 
> Kotori: EWWWWW...that would be mushy. 

[S.D. suddenly turns green]
S.D.: ...If anyone says *one word* about eye-sockets, I *will* turn
homicidal.
Zeek: Sorry S.D...You just did, and yes that's disgusting, but as usual...
It could be worse.

> Akio: [sweat drops] Sun: but what about 
> that interpretation...not in the sick 
> way...but ya know! Akio: [Standing up 
> and ready to wring their necks] there 
> is NO O-T-H-E-R INTERPRETATION!!!!! 

Mark [Akio]: *This* I command!

> Kotori: sure there is. Akio: [wraps his 
> fingers around Kotori's neck] Kotori: 
> Take note Sun :there is NO 

NeoVid [Kotori]: ...Reason to listen to me, and there never was.

>other 
> interpretation. Akio: [looking pleased, 
> sits back down...yes he unwrapped his 
> fingers from Kotori's neck] 

S.D. [author]: Don't want to forget that detail. Uh-uh.
Ranma X: Speak for yourself.

> well then...want to hear my successes? Sun: 
> Oh great...yet another 

NeoVid: ...Boring story about how your dice rolls are always good.
Skrib [Rimmer]: Hey, for all you know, I could have crammed those dice up
his nose and then heaved him out the window!
NeoVid: OK, then what happened next?
Skrib [Rimmer]: I rolled a seven and an eight!

>bragging male. 
> Akio: [gives Sun a dirty look] Well I 
> slept with my fiancee to receive the 
> name "Otori" thus getting much power 
> within the school...

Mark: So, did this guy never got married? Why does he keep calling his
fiancee "fiancee"?
S.D.: He never got married. [beat] And sleeping with Kanae didn't give
him the name 'Ohtori' *or* his "power within the school". Agreeing to be
engaged to her and sleeping with her *mother* did that.

>this is normal you 
> see, for families that only have female 
> heirs, to give their last name to their 
> childs fiancee....namely me.

S.D.: No, that was because she's *Japanese*. Japanese custom is that
husbands take their wife's family name. Akio took it *before* marriage to
make sure he became the Acting Dean.

> Sun: and 
> then you screwed her mother. Akio: 
> err...yes?...so? Kotori: did you screw 
> her father?

S.D.: Haven't you been listening? He's screwed everyone in Ohtori and most
people out of it. Including* Chu-chu. I have photographic evidence.
Mark: ...that's more information than I need to know.
Zeek: Let me guess, Ohtori family and their irritable pets on the next
Springer.

>....and can you get me into 
> Jury's room? Akio: [losing his calm 
> collectivvness]...NO!!! Sun: and then 
> you screwed Touga... Akio: ah 
> yes...more power.

S.D.: ...if anything, *Touga* would've gained power from that. Akio was
trying to screw with Touga's *mind* on that one.

> Sun:...actually I was 
> about to say that it was, no big 
> feat...i mean who hasn't he.... Kotori: 
> No big feet? Quite the contrary he has 
> huge feet...
>you'd know what that 
> means...

Zeek: He's really Bigfoot?

>wouldn't you...Akio? Akio: 
> [turns a pretty shade of maroon] 

Mark: So he screws around with almost everyone with two feet--
Skrib: And their dog.
Mark: (nodding) --and their dog. Yet, he actually *blushes*?
(A pause.)
Zeek: He's one of those sensitive guys of the nineties, you know.

>Sun: Ok..... Koto, hand over the sugar. 

NeoVid: (wearing a handkerchief as mask and wielding a plastic gun) Your
sugar or your life.

> Kotori: [looking abashed, hands over 
> 6kg of sugar...og what used to be a 
> 10kg bag] 

NeoVid [caveman]: Og, what you do with bag of sugar?

>Akio: [clenches and 
> unclenches his fists.] Kotri: and then 
> you slept with your SISTER! 

Mark [Akio]: Say it isn't so!
Skrib [Sunday]: We're selling this story to the Farrely's!

>Sun: Jerry SPringer...here we come. Kotori: we 
> come! hahahahhahahahahha 

All: ...
(All look at each other. Then back at the screen.)
All [sarcastic]: We don't get it.

>Sun: We are NOT going there! 

Zeek [Sunday]: Why can't we go on Oprah instead? 
[a beat]
Zeek: Stop stealing my lines, Sun.

>Kotori: [gives a look of anbsolute innocence] 

(Mark winces.)
Skrib: What?
Mark: I got the image of Kotori making sad puppydog eyes.
Skrib: That always got you to say yes to a girl's request, right?
Mark: ...don't remind me.

> Akio, does your 
> MOTHER know what you are doing? 

S.D.: For more accuracy, change the "what" to "who."

>Sun: probably...ge slept with her...'member?

Mark: No. And now, I'd rather forget.

> Kotori: MOTHER not MOTHER-IN-LAW! Akio: 
> this is beginning to sound 
> familiar...

Zeek: Yes... like every other bad story ever.

>didn't I alwready have this 

NeoVid [exact Elmer]: ...Popuwarity I used to have with childwen wun out?
Now I'm weduced to making powno movies! Maybe you've seen my watest
picture, 'I Tawt I Taw A Puddy.'

> interview? Kotori: Nope. Akio: tell you 
> what...why don't you write down...what 
> swap4p means for both of you?! GOOD 
> BYE!...oh wait... if this page is about 
> me...why does it have a TOUGA 
> THEME?...[SLAM] 

Mark [Jim Ross]: Kotori reversed the question into a--
NeoVid [Jerry Lawler]: Body slam! Body slam!
Mark [Jim Ross]: Mah Gahd! Akio went through the ring!

>Koto...what 
> does it mean to us...? A way to get at 
> all the Utena characters...right? 
> yah...that's what I thought. [shrug] 

Mark: And so, the authors' secret agenda is revealed.
Skrib: Will they succeed in their quest?
S.D.: Will they get their desires fulfilled.
Zeek: And will the definition of unscrewable be changed?
[More?]
Mark: Find out tomorrow in "The Bold and the Unscrewable."

> undefined More... [Close] 
> [Close] undefined 

Mark: What you see when you look for "unscrewable" in a dictionary.
Skrib: Not according to Pierce, kabayan. 
NeoVid: So what does the Devil say about the term. 
(Skrib looks it up.) 
Skrib: All I'm getting are pictures of a "Sunday" and a "Kotori". Now
where have I seen these two before... (looks up at the projector) ...Oh,
yeah. -_-;;;

> What's up with all those 
> weird cars, anyway? 

NeoVid [Milo Bloom]: Why is it all new cars look the same!?
Zeek [Announcer]: And tonight, we review the Akio car thruout the ages.
See...In the beginning...

>Let's ask various 
> members of the cast about their cars, 
> and shamelessly promote the Kotori Car! 
> ...because, well, the transit 
> system's not doing as well as it could. 

Mark: Well, there was too much competition.
Skrib: New train companies were popping up each day.

> Kotori: Sun! The cars! Sun: yeah, 
> so? 

NeoVid [Kotori]: It's the car, right? Chicks dig the car.
Skrib: Ah, yes. Cars, the most popular compensation toy. 

> Kotori[stricken]: have you seen 
> them? Sun: ~sigh~ The Akio Car. I 
> know. Kotori: but...but! the NEW cars! 
> Sun: the...new cars. I see. ~blink~ 

Zeek: And now she doesn't see.

> Hey! If you're so upset about the 
> cars, wh don't we show everyone else 
> why! 

NeoVid [Sun]: Wel, it could work.
Mark [Kotori]: Ye, I see.

>And, while we're at it, we can 
> talk EVEN MORE to the cast! 
> Kotori[nods]: sounds good. And who's 
> first? Sun: Who else! The boss!

Mark: Bruce Lee?
Skrib: Geese Howard?
Zeek: Ganondorf? [Snorts]
RanmaX: Herb? 
NeoVid: Tony Danza from "Who's the Boss?"
Zeek: [Looks at NeoVid] Geez, You are morbid aren't you? Isn't that some
kind of torture bringing up live actors?

> And the first car, the Akio Car, 
> requires Akio's presence, of course. 
> After all, it's the AKIO Car, and, 

Zeek [Announcer]: ...AND, IT'S THE AKIO CAR, BUT REQUIRES AKIO'S PRESENCE
WHICH SEEMS TO BE IN THE AKIO CAR...HI AKIO...SO NOW WE GO TO THE AKIO CAR
TO TALK TO AKIO WHO'S IN THE AKIO CAR!

> well, who else do we interview about 
> it? Ah, right, all the people who've 
> been passengers! 

Mark: Which, by S.D.'s explanation, would be everyone?
(S.D. nods.)
Mark: (sweatdrops) This is going to take a while.

> That'll be fun! ^_^

Ranma X: Not for us, though. But we're just riffers, right? (grumbles)

> Akio[ resigned]:

Mark: Hey, he quit his job?
Skrib: And he was only two months until his early retirement.

> all right, lets get 
> this over with. Sun: all right! Now, 
> uh....ummmm..... Akio[sobs]: why me? 

Zeek: Why not.
All: Why ask us?!

> Sun: why the Akio Car? I mean really! 
> Akio: It's MY car. Why can't I name 
> it that? 

Mark [Akio]: Does anyone give Batman any problem?
NeoVid: No. But when Akio started wearing a utility belt, then things got
ugly.
Skrib [Batman]: Sorry, you'll have to call it a *Futility* Belt.

> Kotori: because it started a 
> car theme, you see. 

Zeek: It sounded like the one from Spy Hunter.

>And while yours is 
> cool, the others are NOT. Sun: I'll 
> say Have you seen the Utena Car? Worse 
> yet, the Shiori Car! ~muses~ The 
> Wakaba Car is pretty cute, though. 

Mark: Why do I suddenly get images of a Utena version of the Wacky Races?
Zeek [Announcer]: And in the last car, 69, is Akio and Sun, not by choice
mind you, for Akio that is, IN THE AKIO CAR!

> Akio: are you done yet? Sun: Noooo. 
> Um. How many people have been screwed 
> in your car? Akio[ponders]: Well, 
> there's been myself and the 
> Seitokaichou, 

NeoVid: Gesundheit.

>of course, many times, 
> and Saionji has joined us a few 
> times.... I had the Kaoru girl in there 
> once, and you can imagine how that 
> went... Kotori[starry eyed]: uh huh.... 
> Akio[sweatdrops]: ...ye-ah. 

Mark: Just plain "YAAAAHHH!" would've fit better.

>Anyway, 
> Tsuchiya and the Takatsuki girl enjoyed 
> "pleasant vibrations" in the back seat, 
> Touga at least advanced 

NeoVid: ...His goal of being the fruitiest character in anime.

>on his sister 
> before she shoved him away, I kissed 
> Utena in here, and ...Oh! I have a 
> fiancee! Yes, she and I.... and her 
> mother and I.... and, well, various 
> other people you never see onscreen. 

Mark: The extras and bitplayers *never* get any credit.

> Sun: I see. So we're justified then in 
> our definition of "driving". Akio: in 
> your what? Sun[enthusiasti]: Dri-ving. 
> Get it? 

Mark: No.
Skrib: Nope.
S.D.: I'd rather not.
Ranma X: No, and the less I know...
Zeek: No, and I hope I don't.
NeoVid: Pass.

> Akio[shakes his head in 
> disgust]: I see. I have a headache. 
> Kotori: Advil? ^_^ Say, how do all the 
> cars burst from the arena floor without 
> destroying it? 

Skrib: Low F-X budget.

>And who turns the 
> headlights (and wipers) on? Akio[leans 
> back, looks at the ceiling, sighs]: 

Mark [Akio]: I *really* need to get that mirror in the ceiling removed.

> I turn those on. My projector, remember? 
> The projector the two of you broke. 
> It has an extensive manual, you know, 
> which is required reading if you plan 
> to 

Skrib [Akio]: ...pass impossible engineering techniques.
Zeek [Sun] & NeoVid [Kotori]: Uh-oh. We're doomed.

> operate it. And that should answer 
> the question. The projector does it 
> ALL. 

S.D. [Sun]: Even those little P&J sandwiches?
(Mark [Akio] nods.)
S.D. [Sun]: Whoah!
Ranma X [Kotori]: I gotta get me one of *those*! 

> Sun: Where's the manual? Akio: 
> we're talking about my CAR, remember? 
> If you're done, I'm going now. 
> The, er, Utena Car. In it's first of 
> three or so stages. 

NeoVid [Sun]: It's a Transformer? Cool!

>Isn't this 
> hideous? Akio exits, muttering 
> about a headache and expensive repair 
> bills for the projector. Meaning, 
> we've got to move on to the next 
> interview. The...Utena Car. .oO(say 
> what?)
> 

Skrib: (sarcastic) I'm having a headache trying to keep up with this
riveting dialogue. 
S.D.: You are trying?!? 
Skrib: ...touche. 

> Kotori: Tenjou Utena! And her first 
> appearance on our Utena-themed page! 

Skrib [Kotori]: Tee hee! We just thought you'd find it funny, too. 

> Utena: Hey. ^_^ Sun: so, about the 
> Utena Car... Utena: ~blink~ The... 
> Utena Car... 

Mark [Utena]: I thought I could use the name "batmobile."
Skrib [Sun]: 'Fraid not.
Mark [Utena]: ...dagnabbit!

> Kotori[helpfully]: from 
> the movie. Utena: riiiiggght. That. 
> Sun[prompts]:sooo... what can you tell 
> us about it? Utena: ummm...not much?

Zeek: For the vehicle has an infinite improbability device, the less he
knows, the better it'll do.

> Himemiya can tell you about the car 
> better than I can, especially if you 
> want to know about driving it. 

NeoVid [Himemiya]: OK, the most important thing to know is that with this
car, if you're ever heading straight toward a wall, you'll want to keep
hitting the accelerator...

>Because 
> she did. Kotori: How'd it feel turning 
> into the car? 

Mark: So when did this fanfic turn into Transformers?
Zeek: Bout 10 minutes ago.

> Utena: I was dragged into 
> a car wash! How should it have felt!? 

Mark: Squeaky clean?

> Sun: Why are you such an ugly car? 

NeoVid [car]: Don't blame me! It's genetic!

> Utena: ask the designer. I'd like to 
> know what's wrong with my hair, 
> personally. And how my figure keeps 
> changing from male-ish to decidedly 
> female. 

Skrib [announcer]: Little did Utena know that we secretly replaced her
coffee with Jusenkyo water. Let's see if she can tell the difference...

> Kotori: well, we don't speak 
> Japanese, making asking the designer 
> kinda difficult. 

NeoVid: Hey, they probably don't speak English on other planets, and we
can understand aliens just fine.

>But I agree about the 
> hair. Sun: Oh! Have you ever been 
> screwed in the Akio Car? 
> Utena[reddens]: ~blink~ No..... But 
> I'd like to know why I'm always dodging 
> them while duelling. 

Zeek: Because the drivers aren't good enough to hit you.

>It distracts, 
> y'know? I mean, You saw why Mikki lost 
> his duel, right? Kotori[relives it, 
> with herself in Anthy's place and a 
> stupd smile]: uh huh. ^_^ 

Zeek: Now if they'd tell us...or not, I don't care.

> Utena[sweatdrops]: never mind. Kotori: 
> The final stage of the car looks like 
> much fun. You know, the idea of two 
> nakes girls clinging to each other on 
> what's left of the car. 

Skrib: First time I had to agree with this fic. That *does* sound like
fun. ^_^
Zeek: No it doesn't, I can knock that thought out of your brain fast.
Skrib: How?
Zeek: Raccoon City.

> Utena[warily]: 
> is that a question, or an observation? 
> Sun[dryly]:both, probably. Kotori, 
> stop being a pervert! 

Zeek: Good idea. I wish some people in here would try that.

>Utena: yeaaahhh. 
> Well, I'm um, supposed to meet 
> Himemiya...... and Mikki forrrr.... a 
> study session. Yeah! Overachiever 
> scholastically, you know. 
> 
> Utena takes off. 

Mark [Utena]: Up, up and away!
NeoVid [Utena]: To infinity and beyond!
S.D. [Utena]: Team Utena's blasting off again!
Skrib [narrator]: ...her clothes.
(A pause.)
Mark: (Looking at Skrib) Which one of those riffs didn't belong with the
others?
(Skrib flashes the peace sign. ^-^_v)

> Well, she didn't seem 
> to know anything, anyway. And we would 
> talk to Shinohara Wakaba about 

NeoVid [Utena]: ...Why this story has turned into a disconnected mess.

>the 
> Wakaba Car, but, well, there's the 
> Shiori Car, and that means Takatsuki 
> Shiori.
> 
> 
> Think that was bad? Now look 
> at the Shiori Car! Now that is bad! 
> Sun: Kotori, I hate Shiori. 
> Kotori[nods]: I know, but I don't!
> 
> Enter Shiori

NeoVid: ...Too easy.
(Skrib hums the "Enter The Dragon" theme.) 
Mark [Shiori, badly-dubbed]: Now, does anyone here want to test my kung-fu?

> Shiori: I'm still kinda busy. 
> Kotori[promises]: We'll only be a 
> minute. 

Skrib[jokes]: Boy, that sure is a quickie. (grins)
Mark[complains]: This is starting to feel like an eternity.
S.D.[grumbles]: Why are we talking like this?
NeoVid[explains]: Quiet! We're supposed to be subtle.
Zeek[rebutts]: Subtle is boring.

> It's about the Shiori Car. 
> Shiori[distastefully]: oh. That. Sun: 
> yes. That. Perfect car for you. 
> Kotori[appealing to Sunday]: 

NeoVid [Sunday]: Wow... I never realized how hot you are, Kotori...

>Sun, 
> please! Sun: Look, it's great she gets 
> a car and all, but those stupid frills 
> on the steering wheel and stick shift 
> are the stupidest things I've ever 
> seen! I can't even think of an 
> adjective to describe how moronic that 
> looks! 

Mark: I can think of plenty, but IFR is PG rated.

>Kotori[admits]: Well, yeah, 
> those are pretty goofy. Shiori: I've 
> never seen the interior. But I seem to 
> have a "frills" theme in the movie, so 
> we'll just say that this is extra 
> assurance that it is the Shiori Car. 

Zeek: The frills are there to distinguish it from the Akio car.

> Sun: but really, on the car?? Kotori: 
> I like the frills on your sleeves, but 
> not around your collar. 
> Shiori[dismissively]: Oh, Juri-san got 
> rid of that particular frill. 
> Kotori[interested]: oh? Shiori: yes, 
> she was a little hasty in pulling my 
> top off, but I really can't complain. 

NeoVid: Darn. The ones I get always complain.

> Kotori[envious]: nooo, I guess not... 
> Sun[frustrated]: we're talking about 
> your car, not your sex life, okay? 
> But... what was it like with Ruka in 
> the Akio Car? Shiori[smirks]: Not at 
> all bad. He learned a few things that 
> night. Sun[disappointed]: I see. 

(Ranma X suddenly slams Skrib upside the head with his Battle Spatula.) 
Skrib: Hey! What was that for! 
RanmaX: ...I need to hit something. All this anti-hentai stress is getting
to me. 
Skrib: And what did I do to deserve that? 
RanmaX: Wipe your drool first, you perv. 
Skrib: Oh. 
(Ranma X takes the opportunity to flatten Skrib as he does so.) 
RanmaX: Thanks. I feel better now. 
Skrib: ...Violent Akane wannabe. @_@

> Shiori[continues]: The back seat was 
> really nice material. Not leather, I 
> mean. Leather isn't a pleasant surface 
> for-- 

Zeek: --field hockey.
(Others stare at Zeek.)
Zeek: Well, it *isn't*!

>Kotori: anyway, I thought the 
> Shiori Car blew 

All: Yes, it does.

>up. Shouldn't that 
> have hurt you? Shiori: I'm too 
> important a character to be too badly 
> hurt. 

S.D. [Shiori]: Besides, I have an express stipulation against it in my
contract. 

>Tenjou is still in decent shape 
> by the end, right? The Utena Car 
> scored a lot of damage. Sun: ...point. 

Zeek: Now let's talk about the trok of the Shiori car...

> Shiori: Anyway, I don't much care for 
> cars anymore. 

Mark [Shiori]: Pork bellies are where the money is.

>~smirk~ Showers are much more interesting. 

Skrib: *Golden* showers? 
S.D.: Ewww. 

> Kotori[wistfully]: I can imagine. Sun: 
> This is supposed to be about CARS, not 
> sex! 

Skrib: I'm not complaining.

>Why don't you fly through another 
> windshield!? 

Ranma X: Yes, why don't you?
S.D. [Kotori]: Like, DUH! That hurts. 

> Kotori[horrified]: No! 
> Shiori:...all right, another reason I 
> don't much like cars. 

NeoVid [Shiori]: ...is because they can't fit inside a travel bag.

>But again, I 
> won't be hurt badly by something like 
> that. 

Mark [Shiori]: Especially since I have a stunt double. 

> And you must admit, it was more 
> original that the ankle thing that 
> Tenjou, Nanami, and Kozue-chan had 
> happen. Sun: This is 

NeoVid: ...The ending, the ending of the story...
Ranma X: I'd prefer it be the ending of *their* story. (grumbles)

> stupid. No, no, 
> it's "shioriesque". I've got a new 
> adjective. 

S.D. [Sun]: Ha! Eat that, Webster!

> Heck, a new word for 
> anything stupid, bitchy, slutty, etc. 
> Kotori, a new word! Aren't you 
> impressed!? 

Mark [Kotori]: I'm impressed that you know what a word is...

> Kotori: well.. I like 
> Shiori-san, so... 

Ranma X [Kotori]: DIE!!!
(Ranma X [Kotori] takes out an uzi submachine gun and fires a torrent of
bullets at Skrib [Sun]. Skrib [Sun] is blasted to through his seat.)
(A pause.)
S.D.: Hey, he doesn't seem to be getting up.
Zeek: I thought those were fake bullets.
Ranma X: (looking at the gun) I thought so, too. (sweatdrops)
Jonatan [over intercom]: Alright, Skrib, that's enough dawdling. Back to
your place or this Sakura plushie gets it.
(The screen changes briefly to show a Sakura plushie being threatened with
a knife by a Cult Bunny.)
Skrib [softly, from behind the seat]: You wouldn't!
Jonatan [over intercom]: Wanna test it?
(Skrib scrambles back to his seat.)
Jonatan [over intercom]: Good.
(Screen returns to fanfic.)
Mark: (Punching Skrib at the shoulder) Slacker.
Skrib: (Rubbing spot on shoulder) Hey, it was worth a try.

> Sun: so, Shiori, 
> anything to add about your shioriesque 
> car with its shioriesque interior? 

NeoVid [Shiori]: Well, it's got a CD player and great bass speakers.

> Shiori[put off]: no, I don't think I 
> have anything else to say to you.

Skrib [Shiori]: Leave me alone! You jackals! Why can't you give me and my
family our privacy!
Mark: Channeling a certain president there?
Skrib: (shivers) *Don't* do that!

> She turns to go.

Mark: ...and collects her $200.

> Kotori: wait! Can I go for a drive in 
> the Shiori Car? Shiori: Your 
> definition of driving? 

S.D. [Kotori]: Moving this wheel thingie while moving this stick thingie
around, then pressing the gas?
Zeek [Shiori]: ...please get out of the seat.

>No. Besides, I can't imagine Nanami 

Ranma X: If she can't imagine someone she already knows, she must be
losing it!

>would let you off 
> your leash for a ride. Say, don't you 
> have a car? Kotori: Oh yeah! Wana 
> hear about it? 

S.D.: Not if we can avoid it really.
Skrib: But we don't have much choice, (looks up) ne, Jon?
Jonatan [over intercom]: Damn straight!

>"It's a bus", says Shiori, flatly. 

"The spontaneous shift in style is irritating," complains S.D.
"Definitely," agrees Mark.
"Boy, we're so subtle, aren't we?" Skrib comments, smiling.
"Subtle like a frog hopping on a hot rock," Zeek grunts.
"...What the hell did that mean?" NeoVid wonders.

> Sun agrees. 
> Shiori looks at Sunday. "Does she 
> worry you sometimes?" 

NeoVid [Alfred E. Neuman]: What me worry?

> Well," notes 
> Sun, "her car --er bus-- is far less 
> shioriesque --meaning rediculous--

Mark: Not that I'm getting technical here, but didn't they just say that
it means "anything stupid, bitchy, slutty, etc."?
Skrib: Mark...
Mark: Yes?
Skrib: Smile and nod. Smile and nod.
Mark: (sweatdrops) Sheesh. Sorry. Forgot...

> than 
> yours, so I don't see how you can 
> talk." Nanami enters and regards the 
> bus with a skeptical eye. 

NeoVid [skeptic]: YAAAAAH!!! Give it back, give it back!!

>Shiori shakes her head and exits. 

Zeek: ...the stage.
Ranma X [Shiori, English]: Verily, their soul is not of the Bard. 'Tis
tiresome diatribe wearies me so...

> Kotori, on 
> the other hand, is examining the Kotori 
> Car's new paint job. 
> Kotori[proudly]: what do you think? 

Zeek: No one in this story ever thinks.

>I 
> got rid of the dark blue, which was 
> depressing, and I'm replacing the 
> interior. Nanami: um... very nice. Why 
> is your name in 

Mark: ...The center of that big bullseye over there?

>the destination field? 
> Kotori: it has no set destination, you 
> see. 

Skrib: Just like this fanfic piece?
All: We see!

> And seventeen is my favorite 
> number, so I don't care if it's 
> normally one of the downtown routes. 
> Sun: Kotori... Why a bus? I mean, 
> really! 

Mark: This is pretty obvious. They're a bunch of BUSybodys, that's why. 
(Everyone else groans at the bad pun.) 

> Kotori: well, I hate driving. 
> And I like the bus. So why not? 

NeoVid [Sun]: What if you had to *drive* the bus?
Zeek [Kotori]: D'oh!

> Oh! 
> And it has auto-pilot now, just like 
> the Akio Car! No surly drivers! 

Skrib [auto-pilot, thinking]: That's what *she* thinks. Hehehe...

> Sun: 
> Lovely. But why does it have a Gap ad 
> on this side? 

NeoVid [Fujin]: COMMERCIALISM!

> Kotori and Nanami: A 
> what?! Nanami draws her dagger out of 
> her jacket (she can hide a surprising 
> number of things in that uniform) 

Mark: ...including last year's Calculus finals, a thermos, and a large
rubber inflatable tube.
S.D.: Why does she keep a large rubber inflatable tube there?
Skrib: Isn't it obvious?
NeoVid: To keep her "worm."
(Mark does a rimshot.)
Zeek: (Rubbing temples) Guys...

> and 
> slashes at the Gap ad until ribbons of 
> plastic board litter the ground. 
> Kotori[anguished]: my new 

NeoVid [Kotori]: ...Litter! You got your cheap imitation litter on it!

>paint job! 
> Look at it now! Nanami[shrugs]: But no 
> more Gap crap. Call it the lesser of 
> two evils. Got it? 

Mark: Got milk?
(Mark gets buried under a pile of cow plushies.)
Skrib: (sweatdropping) At least they didn't install that thing that drops
elephants here. 

> Sun[reasonably]: 
> Well, we can always get it repainted. 
> If the boss can afford his fancy 
> projector, he can certainly pay for a 
> dinky new paint job. Nanami[checks 
> inside]: Kotori, get these seats 
> covered. 

NeoVid [Kotori]: OK, but I'll need a Gatling gun at least...

>Or replaced entirely. Kotori: 
> Hai, Nanami-sama! Nanami continues 
> to plan the complete renovation of the 
> Edmonton Transit bus, now the Kotori 
> Car, with an adoring Kotori listening 
> raptly. 

S.D.: ...to something else?

> Kotori brings up a yellow 
> Taurus (taurus=bull=Nanami becoming a 
> cow. get it?) 

All: No, we don't. 

> with black trim she saw 
> once, pointing out that such a sporty 
> car would be made even cooler with 

NeoVid: Window sunglasses?
Mark: Fluffy dices?
Skrib: A CD player?
Zeek: Air conditioning that works?

> Nanami at the wheel. 

Zeek: Well, that's *one* thing we didn't think of...

> Sun sweatdrops. She takes another long 
> look at the Kotori Car. "Well, at 
> least she can't talk Shiori and Kozue 
> into doing a photo session on the hood. 
> There isn't one." Then she remembers 
> something. 

Ranma X [Sun]: It was an equilateral triangle that had three equal sides!
Not an isosceles triangle! I'm sooo gonna flunk that test!
Mark [Sun]: I left my iron on...

> "Hokay, we were going to 
> discuss all the cars that have shown up 
> in Utena, but we only covered three.

Skrib: Ironhide, Wheeljack, and Jazz.
S.D.: Wrong show, Skrib.
(Skrib shrugs.)

> I'm not sure the Castle Car would've 
> been too exciting anyway, 

Zeek: Duh. Cars made from stone blocks are really slow.

>but did we 
> have to bring in the Kotori Car? 

S.D.: It should have stayed out in the garage where it belonged.

> I 
> think this was just an excuse to show 
> you all the shioriesque Shiori Car. 
> Wasn't that the stupidest thing you've 
> ever seen? 

Mark: Actually, no.
Skrib: We have trouble deciding which is the stupidest from everything
we've seen.

> I could almost put up with 
> the outside of the thing, but the 
> steering wheel and stick shift with 
> their stupid frills are just too dumb 
> for words." 

All: Amen!
Skrib: But then, we're also thinking that about some parts of this fanfic.
Others: Say it like it is, brother!
(Skrib flashes the peace sign. ^-^_v)

> Kotori calls out that she 
> happens to like Shiori, excessively so, 
> and that she doesn't approve of this 
> constant bashing. 

Mark: Constant stabbing or shooting would be better.

>Sun shrugs. Kotori 
> turns back to Nanami, 

Ranma X: Little did the readers know that Kotori was Nanami all along.
Zeek [Kotori]: It's a little something I learned from Mystique.

> the two of them 
> discussing the radio and CD player that 
> simply must be installed. 

Skrib: See? CD player equals cool car. (grins)
Mark: Looks like this fic agrees with you, kabayan.
Skrib: HEY!

> Kotori 
> mentions that there's easily enough 
> room in the back for a large mattress, 
> and goes starry-eyed and vacant. 

NeoVid: Which changes things how?

> Nanami looks at her flatly, 

Zeek [Nanami, valley girl]: Jeez, you're, like, so two-dimensional.

> not being 
> the pervert Kotori seems to be. 
> So, we didn't cover nearly as many 
> [insert-name-here] Cars as we'd 
> planned, but 

Mark: ...they'd all ran away.
S.D.: I suggest they interview the guys from Twisted Metal next.
(All sport evil grins.)

> we showed you the 
> monstrosty that is the Shiori Car, 
> which was the plan in the first place.

NeoVid [henchman 1]: Duh, I don't get it, boss.
Ranma X [Sun]: It's simple. We show them the car. They're too busy
pointing out its flaws, leaving us free to enter their lair and steal
their treasures! It's foolproof!
(A pause.)
NeoVid [henchman 2]: I still don't get it.

> And please not that although she hates 
> te car, Kotori has a thing for Shiori. 
> Sunday absolutely despises her, and is 
> delighted with her new word. 

Zeek: She hugged it and squeezed it and called it George...

>That is all. You can go now. 

Mark: Thank goodness!
Skrib: So, the doors should be opening right about...
(A pause.)
S.D.: Doors aren't opening.
Zeek: Arggh! I can't take it anymore!
(Zeek stands up and runs toward the theater doors. He bangs and bangs on
it.)
Jonatan [over intercom]: You guys aren't going anywhere yet. Just sit
tight...
(Ranma X is now joining Zeek banging on the doors.)
NeoVid: Those guys need to learn to relax a bit.
(Ranma X and Zeek are now using a large wooden pole to ram the doors,
which still don't give.)
Skrib: (Looking at his watch) Wonder what's on Raw?
Zeek: Aren't you guys going to help us here?!
(NeoVid sighs and stands up. He reaches into his coat and draws out a
remote control. Pointing the remote at the door, he presses a button.
Suddenly, a large tank materializes in front of the locked theater doors.
It bears down and fires, disintegrating the doors. The tank
dematerializes. NeoVid places the remote back in his pocket.)
(All stare at NeoVid.)
Skrib: (O_O) Where'd you get *that*?
NeoVid: Sale at Walmart.
(Ranma X and Zeek regain their composure and run out the theater. NeoVid
and Skrib follow. Mark and S.D. start from their seats.)
Mark: Let's go. Wonder if those bunnies are gone yet.
S.D.: I'm suddenly feeling a bit hungry. (grins)
(Mark sweatdrops.)
(All exit.)

-------------------------------------------------------

The theater doors were thrown open, exposing the emerging torture victims
to a rather unexpected sight... namely, that of all the bunnies in the
process of leaving the place. In the middle of the room, Jonatan was
having a heated debate with a suit-clad Secret Bunny.

"I can't pay this!" Jonatan yelled, tossing the contract on the floor.
"Who on Earth has that many carrots? They aren't even in season! Who
signed this?"

"Nevertheless," the bunny replied coldly, "This is in the contract. We
expect payment, or we'll get... nasty."

"Hey!" Zeek exclaimed, striding forth with his sword drawn. "If anyone's
going to get nasty, it's gonna be me!" Behind him, the other riffers
seemed to have the same general idea, bearing down on Jonatan with painful
intent.

"How would you like to be cooked, Jon-boy?" Skrib asked.

"With catsup, I suggest," S.D. added, licking her lips.

Jonatan stuttered, "My friends, believe me when I say - Good god! What are
they doing with those sponges?"

The mob turned to look. A second later, most of them realized their folly,
but by then Jonatan had made a run for it.

"What are who doing?" NeoVid asked out loud, peering at the empty air. "I
don't see anything..."

Mark facepalmed. 

"NeoVid..." Skrib groaned, rubbing his temples.

"Fools!" Jonatan bellowed from the front doors, where he had of course
stopped for a last villainous gloat. "You'll never catch me! Oh, I had it
all, weren't it for that little thing... I'll get you, all of you!" He
turned and fled outside.

*THUD*

A moment later, Jonatan stumbled back inside, a hand pressed against his
cheek. Another Jonatan followed him, rubbing his knuckles softly. "You
will get nothing, vermin," he muttered, grabbing the unsteady doppelganger
by the neck of his shirt and dragging him over to the gathered group.

"*Another* one?" S.D. exlaimed.

"Oh no, did we just get dragged into 'hilarity and wackiness'?" Ranma X.
asked no one in particular.

"I'm getting bad Spider-man flashbacks," Mark muttered.

NeoVid grinned, leaned over to Mark, and whispered, "Ben Reilly."

Mark jumped back reflexively. "Jeez, don't do that!" he retorted. NeoVid
and Ranma X broke out in giggles, while Skrib and S.D. rolled their eyes
upwards in exasperation.

The second Jonatan not-too-graciously shoved the first one, sending him to
the floor in a heap. "So a mere clone thinks he's high and mighty and can
abuse my name, huh? Don't think so."

"Okay, what's going on here?" Ranma X asked out, drawing his spatula.

"Never mind that," Skrib interrupted. "Since when do you have clones?"

The (apparently) real Jonatan just rolled his eyes. "Well, *DUH*, Signus." 

"Skribulous," Skrib corrected. 

"Whatever." Jonatan gave the clone a swift kick. "So what's your story,
punk?"

The clone spat at him. "I got bored! Happy?"

Facefaults abounded.

"So..." Ushiko looked back and forth between the two Jonatans, a look of
indecisiveness on her face. "I work for that one... but then there's this
imposter... or did I work for him all along? Or when the switch
happened..." The cowgirl clutched her head. "I give up. I quit." She
stomped off.

"Bored?" Jonatan considered, absently waving goodbye to his assistant.
"It's an explanation, but not an excuse." He turned to the others. "But
you're the ones who have suffered here, so I guess..." He grinned nastily.
"...I'll leave it to you, people. Have lots of fun." He gave the errant
clone a last swift kick in the ribs, then turned and, laughing in a
none-too-cheerful way, left.

"...right," the clone-Jonatan muttered. "Now, since I see that we're all
civilized people here--"

He didn't get much farther.

                                *  *  *

The riffers finished tying up the clone Jonatan and throwing him into a
ready garbage truck. As the truck roared off, they heaved a collective
sigh of relief.

"Well, that's the last we'll see that guy and his surreal fanfic," Zeek
said.

"Amen and good riddance," Ranma X agreed.

"You guys are violent, you know know that?" Mark intoned, sweatdropping.
He had opted to getting the others drinks while they beat the living
daylights out of the clone instead of joining the mauling.

The others gave him "You're weird" looks.

"Mark, you need to work on this aggression thing," Skrib advised.

"Yeah, you have to a least learn how to exact revenge, using an aptly
chosen wepon and at least half a dozen Slayers spells," Ranma X lectured.

"Or Bastard! Or Final Fantasy. Or..." Skrib began to elaborate. 

"....Right," Mark replied.

"So, guess I'll be going," S.D. announced.

"Okay," Mark remarked.

"Say, Ryuukage..." Skrib began. "Are you available this coming weekend?
There's this village that needed pillaging, and--" 

S.D. raised an eyebrow. "Was that a pick-up line I just heard?" 

"Well, not really," Skrib fidgeted for words, "but, um, yeah..." 

"I have other business to attend to, but I'll keep your invitation in
mind." With that, S.D. sprouted wings and flew off.

"I'll be going to," NeoVid piped in. "But y'know, it really seemed like a
copout ending for all the bunnies to just quit like that..." 

It appeared the universe had heard him, since at that moment, for no good
reason, several Cyber Bunnies teleported into the scene. "Mr... uh, Vid,
we've decided that we just don't like you, and we're going to get back at
you, even though you did nothing in particular."

He was chased off by the bunnies.

Everyone stared after them. "That was... pretty normal. Around here,
anyway."

"Good bloody riddance to this place," Zeek said as he walked out the door,
muttering various violent things that he'd do when he found that said
bunny army that captured him.

"Are you going, too?" Mark turned to Ranma X.

Ranma X just grinned, said "lighting" and then hit the small ball of light
with his spatula, causing it to explode in small sparks of light.
Scratching his head, he shrugged and left through the left door.

"Ranma's still got issues," Mark noted, shaking his head.

"So, you're going?" Skrib asked.

"I guess. I still have to go back to Kate's place. R. Jak pretty much
disappeared. So, I'm stuck with it, I guess," Mark explained with a shrug.

"I can go with you," Skrib offered. "I haven't seen Kate for a long time." 

"Okay," Mark said. "Let's go."

Halfway out of the theater, Mark stopped walking and looked back.

"What's up?"

"I got the feeling we're forgetting something," Mark said.

"Is it important?" Skrib inquired.

Mark shook his head. "Must not be. Or else I'd have remembered it. Let's
go."

And the two left.

"By the way..."

"Yes?" 

"Isn't she a bit too young for you, kabayan?" 

"...Can't I have a normal conversation without anyone hentaiparsing
everything I say?" 

"Sure, sure..."

And so it went. 

                                *  *  *

Within the theater, a solitary voice rang through the air...

"Hello?! I'm still here! And tied up! Anyone get me out of this closet?
Anyone?"

There was a short pause.

"I really need to use the bathroom, you know!"

An even shorter pause.

"Guys?"

                                *  *  *

Authors' notes:

Ranma X: It finished! It finished! No more head hurt for me! You guys rock
and I'll see you all next time on the same riff time, same riff channel.

Ranma X.


S.D. Ryukage: That was fun. Even if my riff Muse died halfway through.
^_^;; But hey, I *had* to do this thing. I'm a 'Blood Soaked and Honor
Bound' fangirl. ^_~ [beat] Hey, that gives me ideas for In Nomine...
Anyway, I'll be back in the theater eventually, but I think I'll be taking
a break for now. I can be reached at dragon48@ptd.net and my site is
http://fly.to/sd_nexus (C&C appreciated! ^_^)

"Get away from me, I'm a tragic protagonist."
Akito, 'Martian Successor Nadeisco'


Zeek: Wellp, It's finally over, I felt that it got more and more annoying
to riff as it went on..geez, what kinda stuff is this...ah well, s'all
right, and prepare yourselves mortals...for next time... *insert evil
overlord laugh here*

Zeek Silverfire
twarner1@voyager.net


Mark Poa: Feeling like I did *half* of the work here (Where did you guys
go? ^_^;), I think this was one of our more painful MSTs yet... so far.
Really nothing much to say. I just hope that we can still do more MSTs in
the future that gives this much joke opportunities. ^_^

Email me at markpoa@edsamail.com.ph or recklessflyer@mechpilot.com . ^_^


Skrib: (Finishes reading the other Riffers' notes) Heh. Suckers. ^_^ 

...Seriously, I wasn't able to dedicate more time to this MSTing because
of some serious RL issues that came up. Not to worry, everything's fine
and dandy now. This also means I didn't have to wrack my brain so hard for
this run, unlike that one previous Roasting that nearly drove me up the
wall. Not that the actual fic requires any editing brainpower to begin
with. ^-^_v 

Anyway, email me at maramala@hotmail.com, preferrably with contact
information on cute eligible dragon maidens. Please. j/k :p


NeoVid: Man, this thing was long and mind-numbing. I think I managed to be
funny a couple of times, though. This fic was closer to being just
completely dumb than funny, and was pretty hard to riff because of it. But
we did all right.

Weeelll, I'm still at neovid@hotmail.com. Email me, and it'll probably
disappear in my 15 daily spams.


Jonatan: Hoo boy. Note to self: Never ever sign up for position as Mad ever
again. Did this drag out or what? Still, given the story content, I can
understand why everyone was grasping for riffing material. Good work,
people. Next time I'll stick to riffing, though.

I'm reachable at a99jonst@student.his.se, except during summers, when I use
J_Streith@mailandnews.com instead.

                                *  *  *

EPILOGUE:

Sitting casually at the top of a hill overlooking the the general area
surrounding IM Studios, Jonatan observed the smoke and dust clouds rising
from the Theater. The screams of pain and horrible agony were still echoing
in the air.

He lowered the binoculars and laughed, in a calm but amused manner. "Well,
that takes care of that. Couldn't have worked better if I had planned it."

An unseen figure behind him snorted. Jonatan did not move, instead peering
again through the binoculars at the people leaving. "What use is that
place, anyway?"

"You'd be surprised. Well, fun's over. No time to loiter here when we have
more important things to do, yes?" He put away the binoculars and stood,
dusting off his knees.

"Whatever you say," the figure muttered. "There's one thing I think
everyone's asking, though..."

Jonatan raised one eyebrow, turning to the unseen figure. "And that is...?"

"Was everything really the clone's doing..." it drew out on the pause.
"...or was there something else going on?"

Jonatan merely smiled.

                                *  *  *

[To be continued...]