*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

Indie Madnesse proudly presents:

IMPROFICROAST: Improvisational MiSTing
               or
               How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Come Up With Riffs In
               Two Days
               http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net

Episode 006:   Do-Gooders World Tour, Parts 1 and 2
               With Pokemon OVA, Part 2
               Team B Edition (2 of 2!  Collect them all!)

Participants:
-Dr. Thinker/Mr. Knht (winkstwo@sssnet.com)
 Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion
-Echo Albarn (echo_albarn@hotmail.com)
 Intro, Intermissions, Conclusion
-Jonatan Streith (a99jonst@ida.his.se) 
 Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion
-Kate Malloy (kamalloy@home.com) 
 Intro, Intermissions, Conclusion, Guest Villain, Editor
-Mark Poa (markpoa@edsamail.com.ph) 
 Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion, Editing
-NeoVid (neovid@hotmail.com) 
 Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion
-Ripper Jak (WYVERN5555@aol.com) 
 Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion
-Scott Schimmel (schimmel@voicenet.com)
 Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion
-Signus Megido/Skribulous (maramala@hotmail.com)
 MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion
-Zeek Silverfire (twarner@erinet.com)
 Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion
-zerosum (dugan@freeze.com)
 Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

OBLIGITARY LEGAL BLAH

        MST3K & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best 
Brains Inc.
        Dr. Thinker, Echo Albarn, Jonatan Streith, Kate Malloy, Mark Poa, Mr. 
Knht, NeoVid, Ripper Jak, Scott Schimmel, Signus Megido, Skribulous, Zeek 
Silverfire, and zerosum are owned and copyrighted by their respective creators.
        Do-Gooders is an ImproFanfic work.
        ImproFicRoast is owned and copyrighted by Indie Madnesse.
        

MISTING CLASSIFICATION

[MST]:    Meta-Misting - Misting Of A Misting, Or A Unusual Misting
          The misting was completely improvised; see the ImproFicRoast
          home page for more details.
[NONE]:   Era Unknown or Unspecified
          The cast and characters are completely independent of the
          "Mystery Science Theater 3000" Storyline.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

One week had passed since the Theater of Pain's showing of "Embryonic Eclipse." 
Since then, no one had ventured near it. If someone had, they would have 
observed strange noises coming from it - noises that sounded very much like 
hammering, sawing, and the like. But why on earth would someone be building 
something in the Theater of Pain?

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

Mark Poa looked uncertainly at the note he'd received the previous day.

"Mark," it read. "I've gotten into a bit of trouble and I really need your help! 
Please meet me in the lobby of the Theater of Pain. Signed, Kate."

Although he didn't enjoy the thought of going to the Theater, he never could say 
"no" when a girl asked for help. He also figured he could trust Kate. After all, 
it was highly unlikely that this note was simply a lure to get him to the 
theater so he could watch more bad fanfiction. Right?

Sighing, he pushed open the door to the Theater and walked in. NeoVid, R. Jak, 
and a guy dressed rather like a ninja were already waiting there.

"Hey!" Mark waved. "You all got notes too?"

R. Jak nodded. "Yeah. Figured I should come check it out. Oh, by the way, this 
is Zeek. He was here last week with some of the other guys."

"There was a show last time?" Mark asked. 

"Yeah," added NeoVid. "Apparently, we missed a showing of a rather odd Sailor 
Moon fic."

Zeek just nodded at Mark.

Mark shuddered involuntarily at the thought of a Sailor Moon fic. "Good thing I 
was not here then," he remarked. "What's with the outfit?" he asked Zeek. 

NeoVid looked strangely (well, more than usual) at Zeek. "Dude... Nintendo 
completely ripped off your look."

Zeek reached for his sword. "Who do you think I look like, exactly?"

There was a pause.

Mark frowned. "I dunno. He looks like Link."

"Come on, he looks nothing like Link," NeoVid retorted. "It's more like Toad."

"Toad?" Zeek growled, gripping his sword tightly now.

"No, not Toad." NeoVid said, then thought. "I dunno. Maybe he looks like 
Higgins."

"Higgins?" Mark said. "You mean that islander guy who runs around in his 
underwear throwing tomahawks and..."

"No, sorry. Not Higgins. Uh... who was the guy in that game with those 
skateboarding guys?"

"You mean Lester?" R. Jak suggested. 

"Yeah! Lester!" 

R. Jak and Mark took another look at Zeek, then stared back at NeoVid.

"He doesn't look like Lester." Mark said softly.

"I don't care," NeoVid said. "He looks like a Nintendo character. Can't put my 
finger on which one though." 

The door to the outside opened again, and another young man stepped in. He was 
brown-haired and dressed in black.

The brown-haired guy glanced around the lobby, shrugged to himself, and waved. 
"Hi! I'm Jason, but you can call me zerosum."

The group stared blankly at the newcomer, who cleared his throat nervously.

"You got notes too?" zero offered.

"It's a Goth," Mark whispered. "Maybe if we stay still, it'll go away."

Neovid began to reply, but was interrupted by the arrival of yet another young 
man, this one blond and dressed in blue denim and a long cloak of
constantly-shifting colors.

The blond looked around. "Hmm... that's odd. I don't see her."

R. Jak stared in horror at the new arrival. He then reached into his trenchcoat, 
produced a large baseball bat, and glowered.

"Sorry, did I do something wrong?" The blond man said, sweat appearing on his 
brow.

NeoVid frowned ominously. "Who might you be?" he asked.

"I'm Scott Schimmel. Kate and I are old friends, and I got this note--" Scott 
held up his note.

"Saying that she's in trouble? Yeah, we all got them too," NeoVid replied. "I'm 
NeoVid, and this is Zeek, Mark Poa, and goth boy zerosum. The guy about to beat 
you with the bat is Ryan Jakobi, better known as R. Jak."

"Who said I was goth?" zerosum said indignantly. Everyone ignored him.

R. Jak looked around nervously, and put the bat back in his trenchcoat. "I'm 
sorry. I thought you were Lief Garret for a moment."

"Yes, quite." Scott smiled, inching his way far from him.

zerosum blinked in confusion. "Anyway, you guys all got the same note? That's 
odd, 'cause mine says something about a new writer welcoming session."

"Really?" asked Scott. "Mine says she wants to break my will by showing me bad 
fanfiction."

"Hmmm... this seems suspicious," Zeek murmured.

"I'm starting to have a real bad feeling about this," Mark noted.

Suddenly, two things happened simultaneously. The first was that a strange 
person teleported into the theater lobby.  The second was that the doors
swung shut.

"It's a trap!" cried Mark, Admiral Ackbar-style.

"Gee," Scott drawled. "I didn't see that coming."

R. Jak ran to the doors and tried to open them. "It's no good," he sighed 
dejectedly.

In the meantime, NeoVid was staring at the newest arrival, dressed in a blue 
hat, red pants, and yellow shoes. He was holding something that looked rather 
like a GameBoy Color. "Yay, someone from the fifth dimension." He then blinked. 
"Why did I just say that?"

"Okay, boy," R. Jak said, bat out again. "Who are you and why do you look like a 
fashion victim?"

"I Mr. Knht," the new arrival said. "I from fifth dimension. Am happy happy 
happy to be here!" He smiled to the confused crowd.

NeoVid narrowed his eyes. "You're Thinker, aren't you?"

Mr. Knht shook his head. "Not Thinker. Definitly no Thinker."

"Oh?" Zeek said. "Why'd you use broken English then?" 

Mr. Khnt paused. "Wel..."

"Ask about the Pokemon Game Boy carrying case too, Vid." Mark said, pointing to 
a fanny pack on Knht's person.

"Is coindicence, really!" Knht protested. "I come to see bad fanfciotion, no 
rite it!"

zerosum groaned. "Oh, this is one of *those* places."

"Okay Mister..." R. Jak paused. "How do you pronounce that again, Mr... uh..."

"It's pronounced Cun-" WHAP "OW!" NeoVid ended.

"Save it for the MSTing."

Just then, the monitor lit up. Everyone turned to see...

"Ooh, look! A sale at Sears!" Scott yelled gleefully.

"That's the TV, dummy," Mark hissed.

"Oh, sorry." Scott turned around with the group just in time to see an evil 
looking woman glowering at them. It took them a while to figure out the 
identity.

"Kate!" Scott yelled. "What are you doing? And what are you wearing?" 

The girl on the monitor certainly looked like Kate, but she was dressed like 
Queen Uzume.

"Not Kate, my dear friend. Magic Emperor... oh, wait, wrong game," ?Kate? said. 
"Well, it's nice to see that my plans worked so well."

"Wait..." R. Jak paused. "Our Mad is... Kate?"

"Have you gone insane?" Mark asked. Everyone looked at him. He shrugged. "What? 
Someone had to ask it."

"How could she have gone insane?" NeoVid yelled. "The only thing she's watched 
so far are those Thinkerfics and a couple of other things. I mean, it's not like 
she went mad over THOSE!"

"Yes, my dear NeoVid," "Kate" replied. "I'm as sane as I ever was."

"I'd have to agree," Scott chimed in.

He was ignored. "And I'm not really Kate. Would you like to see her? She's right 
here." She stepped aside to reveal two tied-up figures - the "real" Kate, and...

"Jon!" NeoVid exclaimed. 

"Jon?" Mark replied.

"Yeah. Jon," R. Jak answered.

"Who Jon?" Mr. Knht asked.

"You stinking rotter, so that's where you've been!" R. Jak responded angrily.

"Hi, guys," the "real" Kate said in an embarrassed tone. "Sorry about this."

"Hey yo," Jonatan ^_^'ed at the group.

"How did this happen?" NeoVid asked.

"Well, you remember how I had to take Jonatan to get cloned after I accidentally 
summoned Odin on him?" she explained.

zerosum, Zeek, and Scott shared nervous glances.

"It was an accident!" she yelled. "Honestly! Anyhow, I got Yon-kun back--"

"Back with a vengeance!" Jonatan quipped. Kate shot him a glare before 
continuing.

"And then I sorta...um...tripped and fell in one of the cloning vats. So that's 
how she got here. And there was something wrong with the process, so she's a 
warped and evil version of me."

NeoVid grinned. "Evil Kate, huh? Cool. But rather unoriginal, though."

Scott gave the projection a once-over. "Hey, Kate... how come you don't wear 
shinyleather more often?"

"And," Kate emphasized, doing her best to ignore him, "she's got mysterious 
psychic powers as well as being much stronger than I am, so she overpowered us, 
captured us, and has been holding us prisoner since then," she finished 
expositing.

"But Jonatan, you can eat through steel chains!" Mark pointed out. "Why didn't 
you try to escape?" He paused. "Or maybe I didn't need to ask that?" he added 
with a weird grin.

"Eheh..." Jonatan shrugged. "I kinda like being tied up by a cute girl." He 
winked at Evil Kate. "Hey, bayy-be! When do we start on the other stuff?"

"Thought so," Mark muttered.

Kate gritted her teeth and would have hit him if she hadn't been tied up as 
well.

"Are you finished, Ayame?" Evil Kate said scornfully.

"Actually, no," Kate replied. "She was the 'me' in the theater last week, 
observing the process. And apparently none of the guys even noticed!"

"Don't blame them," R. Jak said sadly.

Zeek shrugged. "I never saw you before then, and the rest of them aren't here."

"Okay, now I'm finished," Kate said. "Now will you get me out of here?!"

"I don't think so," Evil Kate answered. "You see, now that I have all your 
friends, I plan to inflict the agony of bad fanfiction upon them! I will delight 
in driving out their sanity! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"I've told you once, I've told you twice, that's not the right laugh for you..." 
Jonatan muttered.

"Why?" Scott asked simply.

"Why not?" Evil Kate answered. He shrugged. 

"Now," she continued, "if you'll turn around, I think you'll notice something 
different..."

"And now, for something completely different," Jonatan ^_^'ed. Evil Kate's 
eyebrow twitched slightly.

The group obligingly turned.

"I don't think there were two doors there before," R. Jak observed.

"Elementary, my dear Watson," Jonatan quipped.

"Woofer's not here," Mark answered.

Evil Kate grinned. "That's right. My 'original', along with Jonatan and my 
assistant, have been doing a little remodeling. We've expanded the theater to 
have a second projection room."

"Asisstant? What assitnat?" Mr. Knht asked.

"Echo, come on out!" Evil Kate called.

Obligingly, TV's Echo Albarn, author of the previous fic, stepped out and waved.

"Hello," he said.

"After we left him locked in the theater last time, he started to go a little 
crazy," Evil Kate explained. "I found him gibbering in the corner, and he was so 
happy to see another human being that he agreed to help me without even 
realizing what he was agreeing to."

"Yap, yap, yap," Jonatan said.

At this point, Evil Kate spun around. "Do you want something, you pathetic 
excuse of--"

"Boy, you certainly love the sound of your own voice," he chided. "And you 
called Kate-chan Ayame?"

"I'll have you know--"

"Maybe YOU'RE Ayame! Wow, I'm being held prisoner by one of my own creations!" 
He grinned even wider. "Let's see you transform into Sailor Exp--"  *WHAP!*  
"Ow! Getting rough, chika? That's the way I like it!"

"ENOUGH!" She grabbed him by his restraining ropes, hoisted him into the air, 
and booted him offscreen. The outside group could only watch in surprise as the 
window to the projection room shattered and the offending Swede flew out, 
landing gracefully on his face.

"That must got hurting," Mr. Knht said.

"Need help with those ropes?" Zeek asked, drawing his sword.

"Ah? No need." Jonatan leapt to his feet, twirling the now untied rope in his 
hand. "A little trick I learned from Houdini."

"Isn't he dead?" Mark asked.

"You really think the afterlife would be able to hold him?" Jonatan ^_^'ed.

"AHEM!" Evil Kate said, drawing everyone's attention again.

"Now, here's how we're going to work this. You four," she pointed at Jonatan, 
Zeek, Mark, and Scott, "go to Theater A. The rest of you go to Theater B. And if 
you try anything funny...I won't hesitate to do something really nasty and 
evil to your friend here." She pointed at the original Kate, who hung her head 
apologetically.

"I never meant to get any of you involved in this," Kate murmured. "I'm sorry."

"Echo, push the button," Evil Kate said triumphantly.

Echo nodded and did as he was told.

"WE'VE GOT FANFICTION SIGN!"

As the sirens blared off, and everyone began running to their respective doors, 
Zeek looked directly at Evil Kate.

"You realize I'm not scared at all. Mainly because I saw something just as 
terrifying before I got to the theatre.  Teletubbies in a video game.  Now
excuse me."

Walking behind him, Mark shuddered. "Teletubbies? Scary."

"Let me get this straight," R. Jak said, rather annoyedly. "I have to spend 
looking at a fic with a psychotic immortal-like creature, a pseudo-goth, 
and...and..." He looked at Mr. Knht again. "...and Thinker?!?"

"I tell you same ting, I NOT Thinker!" Mr. Knht protested loudly, jumping up and 
down to establish his point.

"And I'm not a goth," zerosum said calmly.

"Aw, cheer up, Jak," NeoVid said, putting a hand around his shoulder. "What's 
four or so hours with these sort of mad creatures?"

Jak sighed. "Okay, let's roast this baby." He walked off to the theater.

"Is he always that irritable?" zerosum asked NeoVid as the rest walked through 
the door.

"He's been a little touchy after that "Nemesis" thing at Dream City," NeoVid 
explained. "Don't worry. He'll be fine."

The group began their descent.

"By the way, you do look a lot like Thinker," NeoVid offered.

"LIE! LIE!"

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

DOOR SEQUENCE:

Door 4B: It seems to be invisible. You wait around for something to happen, 
until you realize there isn't one there at all. 

Door 3B: A giant computer blocks the passageway. The screen shows a Windows 
logo. You give it the three finger salute, and it degausses out of
existence.

Door 2B: A huge electric face is standing in the way. "Don't Go Up! Or Get A 
Shock!" Mr. Knht uses his magic Game Boy to call a few Raichu to sap
powers from the face. The riffers go on up.

Door 1B: It's Mr. Mxyzptlk himself. After Mr. Knht gives him a punch, Mr. 
Mxyztplk transports the riffers to Theater B's entrance.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

zero: So, what do we do now?
NeoVid: Zeek said something about a short before the main story.
R. Jak: Uh...which one?
NeoVid: Pokemon OAV by Dr. Thinker.
zero: That good or bad?
Mr. Knht: It good if you rike Thinker.

> POKEMON OAV Vol #2 - "Brocking & 
> Brolling" By Dr. Thinker

Mr. Knht: Brike finfac senice 1997.
zero: Are you sure you're not Thinker?
Mr. Knht: I NOT! I more Thinker than J. Rak!
(All look at R. Jak)
R. Jak: Lies. ALL lies.

> 
> ########################
> 
> Ash had waste no time since we last saw 
> him after talking to "Wheeler" and 
> "Fast Girl".

(NeoVid snickers)
zerosum: I'm sure that was unintentional.

> He mentions that he got a 
> Catpire

zero: AUUUGGHH!! THERE'S A CATPIRE ON MY NECK!

> and a Weedle and they evolved 
> very quicky. 

R. Jak: [Cardinal Fang] Vun pound fer a full sketch, tventy four penze fer a 
                        quicky.
Mr. Knht: You are German is more rotten then a cartoon of rotten eggs with a 
          side order of dirty ham. 
R. Jak: It was Spanish, not German. You know, Spanish Inquisition?
Mr. Knht: Oh. Solly.
zero: You call that French?

> Ash had mention that he 
> kicked five bug trainer's Pokemon's 
> tails back to their Pokeball. 

Mr. Knht: Isn't me or does that sound plan wrong? 
NeoVid: Bug Pokemons have tails?
Mr. Knht: Yes, sort of... I think.
zero: It's abdomens, not tails.
R. Jak: Thank you, zero.

> Ash isn't 
> really happening

NeoVid: Yeah, you're just uncool, Ash dude.
Mr. Knht: Let's just smile and nodded.
NeoVid: Who escaped the Satellite of Love and made you boss here?

> with his wins, he 
> knows that lower bug Pokemon are almost 
> as weak as a Marikarp. 

zero: Is he making up Pokemon as he goes along?

> Ash sees a building ahead and sighs 
> with reliff. That he doesn't had to 
> deal with bug-brained trainers. 

NeoVid: Like him. 

> He 
> enters and sees the first buidling. A 
> POKEMON CENTER!

All: Dun dun DUUUUN!

> Ash sees a Nurse Joy, and he's shock. 

R.Jak: Pikachu's been ODing again...

> He learns about Nurse Joy's huge family 
> and she's is the mother of the Joy in 
> Virdain. Nurse Joy can arrange in any 
> age from 18 to 109. 

R. Jak: And she's got huge... tracts o' land too.

> Ash aslo learns 
> about Officers Jennys as well, they 
> kind of the same, 

zero: With short skirts and all.

> but can arrange from 
> ages 26 to 120.

NeoVid: And they're STILL wearing short skirts! YAAGH!
Mr. Knht: Any feels like hitting the stuffing of NeoVid, be my guest.
R. Jak: He knows lightning elemental spells. I'm not touching him.

> Nurse Joy aslo tells 
> that the biograpy of the Pewter's City 
> Gym Leader is on a post. 

R. Jak: Nurse Joy explained that it was a result of bad building permits.
Mr. Knht: That's kid of thinkish, when you think about that like, Mr. Jak.
R. Jak: Oh, now I'M Thinker now.  That it, Thinker?
Mr. Knht: Listen.  I NOT THINKER!

> Like all of 
> the city. 

Mr. Knht: Look like ALL building have bad permit. 

> A man ask if he had visit the measum 
> yet. He takes a measum tour lonely with 
> a strange female like smile at any 
> mention of the words: WATER POKEMON. 
> (You find out who's is young woman is 
> Vol. #3.)

Mr. Knht: Any wan't to make a bet on that beeing Misty, be my guess.
R. Jak: No. My guess is Faye Dunaway.
NeoVid: I'd say Natalie Portman.
zero: Mmm... Natalie Portman...

> Then he talks to the man 
> again and ask to visit the Gym Leader. 

R. Jak: To which he says "No, are you crazy?"

> The man leads Ash to the gates. Right 
> next to the door is post:

zero: "Turtle's Paradise flyer number seven. What are you doing here anyway? 
      Come to Wutai, dammit!"

> Long time ago, Flint Bonte had 11 
> kids. Flint died at the age 24, 

NeoVid: Showing that Pokemon Trainers die at an early age.
R. Jak: That tears it. I'm getting out of the profession before it's too late.
zero: Eleven kids at twenty-four? Exactly when did he have time to train 
      Pokemon?
Mr. Knht: When ever his wife was in the...
(NeoVid takes out a wind cannon and blast Mr. Knht back. Mr. Knht recovers and 
returns to his seat.)
Mr. Knht: Thank. I need that.
NeoVid: Welcome.
R. Jak: Where the hell'd you get a wind cannon, Vid?
NeoVid: K-Mart.

> and 
> his deathbed wish was to give the 
> Pokemon to the older children in this 
> friendly. That was the 11 kid, Brock 
> Bonte.

zero: Fun fact: Brock's last name is Harrison. Who the heck are these Bonte 
      people?
Mr. Knht: Just place it in another dimision and and let it be. 

> Mr. Bronte likes his Pokemon, 
> but he become a gym leader to support 
> his remanding family, which 
> includings his mother, Maya Bonte. 

Mr. Knht: Well, why not mom get job? She lazy or soemthing?

> Brock is really into rock Pokemon.

(Everyone looks at NeoVid)
NeoVid: ...Don't worry. I read a Hachi Machi fic that conditioned me against 
        Pokelemon riffs.
(Mr. Knht and Zerosum shudder.  R. Jak nods thoughtfully and continues reading.)

> He 
> only had two now. Signed The D.. 
> Man. 

R. Jak: Demon?
NeoVid: Defenestration?
Mr. Knht: Dog?
NeoVid: Dumbass?
zero: Dild *WHACK!*
R. Jak: (puts his bat away) Watch the language, gothickhead.
Zerosum: Owww!
Mr. Knht: Mine if I five high you?
R. Jak: Let me think about it...nope.

> Ash wonders who's the D. Man, but the 
> thoughts of Rock Pokemon. He opens up 
> the Pokedex and finds a CHART on the 
> Pokedex's menu.

zero: For some reason, he never noticed it before this episode...

> Ash finds out the water 
> makes rock look like a gray mudd. 

zerosum: Only thing I have to ask. What's in the water?
Mr. Knht: Not beer for sure.

> Ash 
> thinks Squirte is ready. And he walks 
> in and meets a Jr. Trainer. Ash makes 
> Jr. Trainer

zero: ...squeal like- OW!!
(R. Jak puts away the bat again.)
Mr. Knht: (smiling) Keep it PG or you going to get something so worst then 
                    death.

> run to the Pokecenter and 
> waltz up to face Brock. 

NeoVid: Oh God. Not... Pokemon line dancing!

> With Squirte, 
> has trashes Brock's Pokemon. 
> Afterwords, Squirte evolves into 
> Wartoriste. 

R. Jak: And he got a nasty skin growth.
zero: He's making them up. Nothing could really sound that ridiculous.
Mr. Knht: Yes. It not make sense.
NeoVid: What do you mean it doesn't make much sense? You WROTE the damn thing.
Mr Knht: No...THINKER write thing. No me.
(NeoVid growls.)

> Ash walks at night into the path 
> leading to Mt. Moon.

NeoVid: Only mountain in the world to look just like a butt...

> 
> ############################################

Mr. Knht: Shirt+3=this!
Zerosum: How did you do that?
Mr. Knht: That is a sercet. 
NeoVid: Maybe your name's Xelsoss?
Mr. Knht: NOT! My name is Mr. Knht!!!!!

> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 

Mr. Knht: What happen?
R. Jak: Please, no more spaces.

> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 

R. Jak: I'm serious...

> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
>

R. Jak: STOP THAT!

(silence)

R. Jak: Whoah. Cool.
Evil Kate: (over mike) That was only a prelude to the next story. Mwahahahaha! 
Good Kate: (over mike) I'm very, very sorry about this.
Mr. Knht: After we finish the story, we going to kick your twin, like they is NO 
tommorrow and free the good Kate. 
R. Jak: What do you mean WE, Thinker?
Mr. Knht: I NOT...!
Evil Kate: (over mike) I'm invisible!!!!!!! BHAW-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! See 
you, suckers!

R. Jak: Okay, uh...what's the fic anyway?
(pause)
NeoVid: Kate never mentioned that.
R. Jak: (sigh) Wonderful. We're going blind then.
NeoVid: Naw, we won't go blind 'til after we've read some of it.
Mr Knht: Ooh! More fun!
zero: I don't get any of this...

> The van crested

Mr. Knht: into the Moon. 

> the hill and rolled 

Mr. Knht: Off the cliff. The End.
zero: Aren't you being a bit too abrupt?
Mr. Knht: Just want this over with. That all.
zero: Really, Thinker?
Mr. Knht: I not the Thinker!

> down the gentle incline on the other 
> side. The driver stared impassively out 
> the window,

NeoVid: [driver] Looks like I'm going over another cliff... yawn.

> squinting through the rain 
> at the light in the distance.

R. Jak: You know, this is just how "Psycho" started.
Mr. Knht: How Bill Gates driven.

> He was 

Mr. Knht: One of the 7 Obo Ninjas. 
(pause)
NeoVid: What?
Mr. Kngt: Then I quess that you hadn't watch the "Wrath of the Ninja."

> one of nature's drivers, one with a 
> vigilance that comes not from cups of 
> coffee or a sense of duty, but from

zero: Copious amounts of drugs.
NeoVid: [driver] Dudethat'safilthylie  
                 I'mnotonspeedwhatmakesyouthinkI'monspeed!?!?

> simply not expending much energy on 
> other activities like talking or having 
> facial expressions. 

R. Jak: So he was a boring person. SO WHAT?

> Sitting beside the 
> bishounehn

NeoVid: 'Bishounehn': Japanese for 'wussy.'

> driver was a more cheerful 
> purple haired teenage girl, 

Mr. Khnt: [Usagi] Horatu? What happen to you?
zero: Gotta love Manic Panic.

> who was

Mr. Khnt: sharping her bamboo stick. 
R. Jak: You absolutely sure you're not Thinker?
Mr. Knht: LIE!
zero: Oh! You're Fujin!
Mr. Knht: Go! Veparon! Ice Beam!
(A funny-looking water creature in the shape of a racoon blasts zero and freezes 
him with an Ice Beam.)

> causing the driver problems with a very 
> large map, which she handled with all 
> the skill

R. Jak: ...of a drunk blind man with one arm.
NeoVid: On speed.

> that can be realistically 
> maintained with with a four metre 
> square piece of paper. 

NeoVid: Which doesn't account for much.

> "Ano, I knew we 
> should have taken a right turn at 
> Albuquerque."

(groans)
R. Jak: We got goofy fanfic, ladies and gentlemen.
Mr. Knht: When do Bugs Bunny written fan-fiction?

(The ice holding zero begins to crack.)

> Said the navigator.

(The ice holding zero shatters.)

Mr. Knht: Is the drirver.
NeoVid: Does the helmsman.
zerosum: Had the science officer.
R. Jak: (looks at them) You two are disgusting.
Mr. Knht: Me hate ichies! Go! Raichu! 
(Out of Mr. Knht's Game Boy, Raichu appears, shocking everybody except Mr. 
Knht.)

> From 
> the back of the van a blonde blue eyed 
> girl 

NeoVid: Oh great. Aryans.

> looked up from a local guide book. 
> "I thought the concert was in

Mr Khnt: ...The 5th dimision.

> Los 
> Angeles." 
> 
> "Oh... So Los Alamos isn't a misprint 
> then..." 

zero: I'm assuming that was supposed to be funny.
NeoVid: I dunno.

> The van continued along the road 
> for a few minutes,

NeoVid: Even though they had to run over a lot of pedestrians to do that
        without stopping.

> before a muscular 
> lad 

R. Jak: Whom we didn't notice before but will now make a crucial contribution to
        this story.

> sitting opposite the blue eyed girl 
> spoke: 
> 
> "Han, are you sure that map's the right 
> way up?" 
> 
> "Yes, what do you think I know nothing

zero: Yep. That was reaaaallly obvious to us.

> about navigation?" Another girl who 
> looked similar the navigator, except 
> for her hair, 

Mr Knht: Making her not similar.

> looked up. 
> 
> "Hanaki... Is that the right map?" 
> 

NeoVid: Hanaki? Wait, if this is what I think it is...

> "Er... Whoops." Everyone on the van 
> facefaulted in anger, except for the 
> driver who merely sighed. A cool 
> looking curvaceous young lass 

R. Jak: Who ALSO happens to be there...oy...
zero: Hanaki and someone who looks similar? I don't know if I like this...

> sitting 
> behind the driver's seat took on an 
> evil expression. 

Mr. Knht: I going to remove Dragon Ball Z from television.
Zerosum: Are you not? Why not take Pokemon off the air?
Mr. Knht: I like it. You all ready see my Game Boy has the power to use any
          Pokemon found in Pokemon Red, Pokemon Yellow or Pokemon Green. 
Zerosum: What about Gold and Sliver?
Mr. Knight: You had to wait for it to come out, before I starting.

> "Matsuro. Stop the van." The driver 
> blinked and spoke, which was almost a 
> special occasion in itself. 

NeoVid: Yay! The driver actually does something!
zero: (twitch) ...Do...Gooders...omake... (twitch)
NeoVid: Hey! This IS Do-Gooders World Tour! This is one of my all time favorite  
        omakes!
(Everyone stares at him)
R. Jak: You actually KNOW this crap?
Mr. Knht: This man are sick.

> "We'll have to wait for a lay by." A 
> dark haired sensible girl,

Mr. Knht: If they in this story, it's un-sensible.

> correction, young woman, looked over to the cool 
> one. 
> 
> "Why? What are you up to Keiko?" 

zero: [Keiko] No, I'm up to twenty, but thanks for asking. And by the lay,  
              lhat's a lay by?

> Keiko 
> smiled evilly. 
> "Hanaki's the navigator... she can go out 
> and look for a local landmark." 

R. Jak: [Hanaki] Look! A local landmark!

> 
> Hanaki stuck out her tongue at Keiko 
> and turned her attention to

NeoVid: Kireiko, if he was lucky...

> the road, 
> something small, cute and furry dashed 
> across the road, 

R. Jak: It's Pikachu! Kill it!
(Mr. Knht kicks R. Jak.)

> seemingly about to 
> become another road kill statistic. 
> 

NeoVid: [cute thing] Look ma, I'm a statistic!

> "GAH!" Cried Hanaki as she grabbed the 
> wheel and sent the van swerving off the 
> road. 
> 
> Had it been a different point on the 
> road or a slightly dryer day, this 
> would have resulted in explosive death 
> for all eight of the van's occupants. 

NeoVid: Eight? I thought there was only six!
R. Jak: The other two are in the trunk, I think.
Mr Khnt: Vans are had trunks? 

> Fortunately, the day had been 
> consistently wet and there actually was 
> a small ditch by the road, so there was 
> no noise of metal scraping on tarmac 
> and the doom laden sound of

R. Jak: ...This ending so we don't have to go through it all.
NeoVid: What's tarmac?

> a spreading 
> puddle of inflammable petrol just 
> before the really loud final noise. 

zero: Why can't they just say "The car crashed into the side of the road"?
Mr. Knht: Cause it VAN, not car. Dummy.

> Instead there was the squeak of balding 
> tyres against wet tarmac and a small 
> squelchy sort of noise as the van

NeoVid: ...Squashed 20 more pedestrians.

> left 
> the road, tipped over onto it's side 
> and slid to a halt. The van lay there 
> for a moment, and completely failed to 
> explode spectacularly. 

All: BOOOO!

> 
> "This is all your fault." 

Mr. Knht: Who said that?
zero: The author, probably.
NeoVid: [author] Dammit! I just leave the computer for ONE MINUTE...

> 
> 
> The Do-Gooders World tour 

NeoVid: See? I called it!
All: Huh?
R. Jak: Okay. NOW they start it.

> This part by Eslington. 

Mr Khnt: It take whole town to write?
NeoVid: Sounds kinda English.
R. Jak: I think the use of "metres" and "tyres" made that obvious.
zero: And "petrol".
R. Jak: That too.

> <Eslington@bigfoot.com> 
> 
> Original Do-Gooders concept by 
> Stefan Gagne, 1998 

zero: Sadly, there is none of his wit in this story.
NeoVid: Nor will we see the really big button that really doesn't do anything.
R. Jak: (sadly) I miss Spatula City.

> Episode one of this Omake Series: 
> 
> Lost and alone in California.

R. Jak: Or episode One: In which we crash the van and kooky stuff happens.

> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 

All: Get ON with it!

> "No it isn't, if anything it's Becky's 
> fault." 
> 
> The occupants of the van immediately 
> began arguing, using techniques varying 
> from logical reasoning, through witty 
> insults and sarcasm, 

Mr. Knht: Through using brunt object on heads.

> and at the other 
> end of the scale, the classic sticking 
> of the fingers in the ears and shouting 
> "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALA!" 

zero: And mostly at the same time.
NeoVid: [occupants] Oh, I'm SURE it wasn't your fault but I CAN'T hear you!
        LALALA! But let's look at it logically.

> The only 
> two that weren't arguing were the 
> bishounen driver, 

R. Jak: You mean gay? 
zero: No, he just looks like it.

> who was trying 
> without success to push the door on the 
> new ceiling open and another Hanaki 
> clone, who had been gagged an bound 

NeoVid: In hopes of fooling us into thinking there'll be something hentai going  
        on.
R. Jak: I'm just glad Jon's in the other theater.

> after one to many long winded attempt 
> at giving directions. The clone shook 
> her head; the crash had loosened the 
> gag sufficiently for her to speak, to 
> the dismay of all present. 

Mr Khnt: I don't want to her speaking either.

> "Oh hello! I suppose you lot are 
> wondering what me and the crew are 
> doing in a ditch thousands of miles 
> from home arguing over who's to blame." 

All: [group] NO WE AREN'T!

> Tejina sweatdropped, her new sister was 
> being crazy again. 
> 
> "Ayame, who are you talking to?" 
> 
> "Them." 
> 
> "Who?" 

R. Jak: [Ayame] The little pixies with the flowers in their bums.

> "Them, out there." Everyone present 
> facefaulted, bar Hanaki. 

(The group looks around.)
Mr. Knht: Oh, no! Four Wall is Sayonna!

> 
> "Han, who does she keep talking to?" 
> 
> "Them." 
> 
> "Who?" 
> 
> "Them, out there." 

zero: [Hanaki] You just SAID that!

> At this point, even 
> the driver was almost on the point of 
> sweatdropping. Ayame smiled and 
> continued talking to her unseen 
> friends. 

R Jak: Friends? Where?
zero: Ayame, you have got to grow out of this invisible friend stage.

> 
> "Well anyway, it all started last week 
> when the spring term ended. Becky had 
> managed to get us some gigs..." 

zero: Oh no! Flashback!
All: AAAAAAUGH!

> 
> Using her exposition powers, Ayame 
> reached into the very fabric of 
> reality,

All: *Wayne's World flashback sound*
Mr. Knht: How can I do that?
R. Jak: Don't worry, it doesn't have to make sense.

> making the scene go all 
> shimmery. The shimmering lifted to 
> reveal the Naoko Family's basement. All 
> those present in the van were also 
> present in the subterranean practice 
> room. 

Mr. Knht: Deep beneth Statley Wayne Manor...
R. Jak: Bruce Wayne as Batman was working on Batmobile, which crashed durning a 
        car battle with the Joker. 

> 
> "...so I posted a few MP3s of our songs 
> on the net a week ago and now we've got 

R. Jak: A lawsuit from Napster!
Mr. Knght: Mettila is going to talk from you. 


> all sorts of offers from people all 
> over the world!" 
> 
> "You don't mean..." Tejina gasped. 

zero: You're right, she doesn't! 
NeoVid: [Becky] Yeah, Hef wants to meet us personally!

> 
> "A world tour!" Everyone in the room 
> gasped, bar Matsuro. 

Mr. Knht: I confuse. They mean they gasp then hit Matsuro with bar?
R. Jak: They mean that everyone EXCEPT Matsuro.
Mr. Knht: Good! I remember that when wr...
(The group stares at Mr. Knht.)
Mr. Knht: Wreading! That it! Wreading!
R. Jak: As if, Thinker.
Mr. Knht: I hope the sun goes up to 120 fregihight drecess high in your city for 
at least two months after this.

> Tejina managed to 
> regain control of her vocal cords. 
> 
> "Becky... you... you... you..." 
> 
> "Genius? Star? Beauty?" 

NeoVid: Ho?
zero: Wanker? (All look at him.) Don't you guys like British slang?

> "Idiot! How am I going to explain this 
> sudden holiday

zero: As a plot point. Duh.

> to my parents?" 
> 
> "I thought of that, I asked some of my 
> contacts about that and they came up 
> with this nifty little list of 
> explanations." Tejina looked over the 
> list, her expression gradually souring. 

Mr. Knht: [Tejina] Ooh, I no like the one about venereal diseseas. 

> "Becky! Half these explanations are 
> totally loony!" 

R. Jak: Your point being?

> "But the other half are okay aren't 
> they?" 
> 
> "I suppose... But what about every one 
> else's parents?" Becky grinned. 

R Jak (Becky): They all must die...

> 
> "I can fake some field trip letters, 
> What could po- Er... No problems." 
> 
> 

Mr. Knght: Say it! Die horiblle deathes!
R. Jak: Stay frosty, man.

> ***
> 
> 

(NeoVid leaves...)

> 
> 

(Gets a pizza...)

> 
> 

(Comes back...)

> 
> Getting permission to leave the country 
> was actually quite easy for all 
> concerned. 

NeoVid: Every Evil Overlord, cultist, and small time crook in the country was 
        willing to grease the wheels a little.

> 
> 
> ***
> 
> 

R. Jak: I've become concerned about this guy's waste of space.

> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "Kireiko... Did you forge this letter?" 

All: GAH!
zero: Jeez! Give us a warning or something!

> "No" answered Kireiko, truthfully. 

Mr. Khnt: [Kireiko] I wrote it. Who does makes letter out of steel anymore?

> 
> "Hmm..." Kireiko's father's demon hunter 
> instincts nagged at him. 

R. Jak: [instincts] Burn the boy! BURN the boy!

> [You'll be unleashing a half-oni on the 
> world, think of the horrible events 
> that may happen!] The demon hunter 
> instincts then came into a head on 
> collision with the cost accountant 
> instincts. 
> 
> [If he's out of the country, you won't 
> have to feed him for two weeks.] 

NeoVid: You don't have to do that now.

> 
> [What if he runs out of odufa shirts?] 

R. Jak: [What is odufa?]
zero: [Why are we speaking like this?]

> 
> [He can sew new odufa... onto shirts he's 
> bought with his own money.] 
> 
> [Think of the havoc he'll wreak on the 
> people of the earth!] 

NeoVid: As long as he takes out France first, it's fine with me.

> [Think of the havoc he won't wreak on 
> your neighbours... who know where you 
> live.] 

NeoVid: Think of the plot advancement!
zero: Think of the fame and fortune!
Mr. Knht: Think of starving childlen in Africa with no food and...
(R. Jak hits Mr. Knht with the baseball bat.)

> [At least think of the cost of 
> transporting a haf-oni...] 
> 
> "Who's paying for this?" 
> 
> "Be- The school." 

zero: Do- The Dew.

> 
> [The choice... Is yours.] 

Mr. Khnt: Nextime on Captain Planet...
NeoVid: No, thanks to the shape the world's in, he's been demoted to Sergeant 
        Planet.

> 
> "Ok Kireiko, its time you saw more of 
> the world... Besides, you'll probably fit 
> in better in the US than here." 
> 
> "Thanks Dad, can I borrow some money?" 
> 
> "No." 
> 

R. Jak: [John Cleese] This is what cost accountancy does to people. 

> 
> ***
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 

R. Jak: You know, we could probably write our own fic in this guy's white space.
NeoVid: I don't wanna do anything in a guy's white space.

> 
> "Hmm... So you'll be travelling across 
> the world then..." 
> 
> "Yes dad." 
> 
> Villyn scratched his chin, deep in 
> thought [Should I really let my 
> precious Aki-chan out into the big 
> dangerous world? At her age? But then 
> she is growing up so fast, any day now 
> she'll be double-crossing me for a 

zero: ...Nickel, probably.

> square jawed hero in my moment of 
> glory. Besides, there may be an 
> advantage...] 
> 
> "Aki, I have thought long and hard 
> about this... and I have decided to let 
> you go, on one condition." Aki sighed; 
> the problem was about to arrive. 
> 
> "Which is?" 

R. Jak: [Villyn] You bring me one of those cheap little Statue of Liberty 
                 figurines.
zero: [Villyn] Blow up Washington for me. I've been meaning to get around to 
               it...

> "Bring back lots of photographs for 
> your dad." Aki blinked, her father was 
> being unusually sentimental. 
> 
> "That's it?" 
> 
> "Yes... With pictures of the military 
> placements of the world, I shall be 
> able to strike at the heart of the 
> world's armed forces! After the 
> obliteration of resistance, I SHALL 
> RULE THE WORLD! BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!" Aki 
> nodded, already planning what to say 
> about her pictures when she got back... 

Mr. Knht: But they will kind of fuzz and all dark, those most of them were taked 
          by the light. 
zero: Indeed... what?
Mr. Knht: I feel like a moron.
Zerosum: You are when you written by Dr. Thinker
Mr. Knht: Then you just come on one. Don't worry, the four wall cracked  
          allready.

> [As you can see, there are no naval 
> bases on this strip of beach here, so 
> you probably shouldn't bother attacking 
> there. And there are no

NeoVid: ...Scenes we'd find entertaining anywhere in this story.

> missile silos 
> in this picture-esque mountain range...] 

Mr. Knht: You should attack Gotham City, Metroplis, Gateway City, and Fawcett 
          City.
Zerosum: (to NeoVid) Is it just me, or is Thinker nuts?
Mr. Knht: I NOT THINKER!!!! I could writ better then him anyday!
Zerosum: Yeah, like I belive you, THINKER!
Mr. Knht: I not Thinker!!!!!!

> It would be nice to get out of the 
> house for a while, away from all these 
> maniacs. 

R. Jak: Yes, the maniacs she'll be travelling with are -so- much nicer.
NeoVid: Why doesn't anyone believe I'm a nice maniac? I keep the rust off my 
        axe!

> "But for your safety I want you to

zero: [Villyn] ...Stay blindfolded so they can't see you.

> take 
> the Quake Camper and the Blank Psychic 
> with you." 

Mr. Knht: What does a empty wizard and a person who play DOOM-like video games 
          had to do with this? 
NeoVid: Hey, I'm not keeping track.

> [Uh-oh] thought Aki [Time for some 
> quick thinking...] 

R. Jak: And seven hours later, she had an idea.

> "But dad, Be- the school wont pay for 
> them." 
> 
> "Pah! 

Mr. Knht: Pah! Is FUN word! Say it!
zero: Uh... pah?
Mr. Knht: Pah! Ha ha! Pah!
R. Jak: You people have too much fun.

> The school shall not stand in my 
> way, I shall send my faithful minions 
> on

NeoVid: [Villyn] ...Speed! They can run across the ocean!

> my own money!" 
> 
> "I think the school bought all the 
> seats for the flight to San Francisco." 
> 
>
> "Then I shall

NeoVid: [Villyn] Fire them out of a catapult!

> send them on another 
> flight." 

All: Oh.

> [Oh no] thought Aki [This is going to 
> get difficult] 

R. Jak: [Aki] He's actually thinking!

> "I think it's the only flight for the 
> next few weeks." Aki hoped that her 
> father would fall for it. He did, 
> however... 

Mr Khnt: Hwever WHAT! Dont laeve us suspense!

> "Well... This letter says you'll be 
> stopping in Los Angeles. They can meet 
> you there." 

R. Jak: Yeah, but who'd want to go THERE?

> Aki sighed and gave up. At least the 
> Camper was reasonably sane, though how 
> he'd react to being on a fault line... 

Mr. Knht: Fault line? Must be where the anime creatues learn to facefault. 

> 
> 
> 
> ***
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 

zero: Naptime. *zzzz*

> 
> 
> "Mother?" 

(zero jumps and falls on the floor.)
R. Jak: Warned you.

> "Yes Keiko?" 

NeoVid: [Keiko] I'm having a baby.

> "I'm going on a trip around the world 
> with some friends. I'll be

NeoVid: [Keiko] ...Wearing nothing but this leath- OW!
(R. Jak puts the bat away again.)
Mr. Knht: You vely untolerant man.
R. Jak: Thanks.

> back in two 
> weeks." 
> 
> "That's nice dear." Said Keiko's 
> mother. 
> 
> "I'll be going to far away and exotic 
> locations..." 

Mr. Knht: The fifth demension!
NeoVid: Dream City!
zero: #improfanfic!
R. Jak: Uh... the Dancing Itos!
(All look at R. Jak)
R. Jak: Sorry, I panicked.

> "Be sure to wrap up warm dear." Said 
> her Father, expending a lot more 
> attention on a newspaper ad. 


NeoVid: [Keiko's father] So you can get implants for that...

> "Where thieves, thugs and murders lurk 
> around every corner, waiting to strike 
> at an innocent such as myself." 

Mr. Knht: I hate when I attacked by a murder.

> 
> "Be back by eleven then." 

zero: [Keiko] Then I'm gonna get abducted by nymphomaniac lesbians in sailor 
              scout suits when I cross the border.
R. Jak: [father] Send us a postcard, dear.

> Keiko gritted her teeth in anger, 
> ancient magics began to curl around her 
> hands in tendrils of power, and she 
> instinctively mumbled the spell of 
> hideous agony...

All: NOOO! IT'S THE MSTING SPELL!

> she'd get them to pay 
> attention. The energy reached a boiling 
> point of sorts and she

zero: ...exploded.
NeoVid: Sad, really.

> started on the 
> last six words of the ancient spell. 
> 
> "Jonea...

Mr. Knht: The wife of Indinia Jones.

> Kazes... Latai... Magi... Necromi... 
> Obliv-" 
> 
> Ding 

Mr. Khnt: It's the door. I open it.
(Mr. Knht tries to open, but gets a blast of BLOT 4)
Mr. Knht: Who did it?
Kate: (over mike) That would be my evil twin.  If it'd been me, I'd have 
                  used wind magic.
Mr. Knht: Why that?
Kate: To cool off in drinks in the summer time. 
zero: What's BLOT?
NeoVid: Don't ask.
Mr. Knht: Lighting Attacks. Nuff' said.
zero: Yeah, but you said "blot."
R. Jak: All of you shut up! I'm trying to watch this.
(silence)
NeoVid: Why?

> "Oh good, my burrito's done." Said 
> Keiko's father, getting up to go to the 
> microwave. 

zero: ...so her father's name is Said?
R. Jak: Kind of hung up on that riff, aren't you?

> Keiko uttered a curse that'd make 
> demons blush;

R Jak: Spam!
zero: Isn't that Six-Six-Six?
Mr. Knht: You can used to explain this story, if change the "x" to a "ck".
(All nod.)
NeoVid: I thought it would be 'foggraw!'
Mr Knht: ...you say in fifth dimision, you were so in trouble...

> the infernal machine had 
> broken her concentration. 
> 
> "Keiko, don't say things like that, 
> people'll complain." 

Mr. Knht: Why they do hear that, but not anything esle?

> Keiko stormed out of the room. If they 
> were really worried about when she got 
> home, she'd just leave her Naga plushie 

NeoVid: And it was lifesize for some reason...
R. Jak: Is that the snake thing or the mech?

> seated at the desk in her room and hope 
> they didn't notice. 

zero: [mom] Hey! She's sitting at the desk again!

> No, on second thoughts, hope would be 
> too much effort when it was a practical 
> certainty. 
> 
> 
> ***
> 
> 

R. Jak: I'm hungry. 

> 
> 
> 
> 
> Matsuro had been meaning to talk to his 
> mother about travelling the world, not 
> that he really needed her permission, 

NeoVid: It's just because the old bat kept him locked in the room all night.

> but he just wanted to make sure that 
> she

R. Jak: ...Would just stay dead this time!

> wouldn't annoy him if he was doing 
> something important. 
> 
> He hadn't had any visions on the way 
> home,

NeoVid: Which was why he walked right into traffic and off a bridge.

> even as he entered the apartment 
> complex his mother completely failed to 
> suddenly appear and tell him about 
> chicks and eggs. 

Mr. Knht: Is ancient Japanese form of "birds and bees". 
Zerosum: More like ill birds and bee, if you ask me. 

> He looked around the 
> foyer. No singing oxen or weird pixies, 
> he would have been grateful, but now 
> was not the time for

NeoVid: ...A gratuitous sex scene.
R. Jak: This does sound like a lemon build-up. 
Mr. Knht: NO LEMONS! PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GDD, NO LEMONS!!!!
(zero gets a hopeful expression and stares intently at the screen.)

> absence. He sighed 
> and pressed the lift call button. 

Mr. Knht: [Oni-Demon] You ring?
zero: When that didn't work, he lifted the call press.

> The lift doors opened, thick red blood 
> flooded out, engulfing Matsuro in the 
> warm liquid. 

Mr. Knht: Nice trick. Got to tell to Mr. Mxyztplk when I see him again. 
R. Jak: Thinker, do me a favor and don't.
Mr. Knht: I NOT THINKER, J. RAK!
R. Jak: So you're Stephen Ratliff then?
Mr. Knht: Yes, that...No! LIE!

> [Ah good] thought Matsuro as he stepped 
> in. The elevator started moving of it's 
> own accord, stopping at floor 13 to let 
> in his mother, who was dragging a 
> crucifix.

NeoVid: When will Joey Abs ever land that powerbomb?

> Matsuro nodded at her as he 
> pressed the button for floor 19. His 
> mother began to speak, while crying 
> tears of blue blood. 

Mr. Knht: What on Earth? I thought demons all had red blood.
R. Jak: She's royalty. 

> "Matsuro... you must go to California." 
> 
> "Hi mother, I know, I must find and we- 
> what?" 

All: She said, "Matsuro... you must go to California!"

> "Well obviously you must, that's where 
> your first concert is isn't it?" 
> 
> Matsuro would have facefaulted, but he 
> was too cool

NeoVid: Oh yeah? Then where's Rikishi?

> to do so. 

zero: [GM] All right, save vs. facefaulting; don't forget your +3 for being a 
           bishonen.

> "Uh... What happened to going to Tokyo?" 
> 
> "Well, travelling the world is

R Jak: ...going to give this an excuse to turn into a long, boring series.
zero: Hey, it has to live up to the original -somehow-.

> a big 
> event in your life, as it were, another 
> turning point." 
> 
> [A fork stuck in the road.] thought 
> Matsuro, a thought he dismissed as his 
> mother continued. 
> 
> "Time's taken you by the wrist, it's 
> directing you where to go." 

R. Jak: Okay, now it's Pink Floyd now?
Mr. Knht: Time is making us riffing is stupid piece of heckva of fan-fiction for 
          a IMPROFIC!!!!

> [Oh no... This better not be another part 
> of my destiny.] 
> 
> "So, Matsuro, just make the best of 
> this test." 
> 
> "Why?" 

NeoVid: [mom] Because I want to see how long you'll go along with all this crap 
              I'm putting you through. It's fun.

> 
> "You shouldn't ask that, it's not a 
> question, but a lesson learnt in time." 
> 
> 
> Matsuro sighed. [Why must destiny be so 
> unpredictable?] 

zero: Because destiny is...
R. Jak: Don't bother. It was a rhetorical question.

> "In the end, you'll see it's right. 
> Anyway... I hope you have a nice time." 

(zero falls off of his chair laughing hysterically.)
NeoVid: And the award for best use of Green Day in a MiSTable fic...

> His mother faded as the lift door 
> opened. Matsuro stepped out and walked 
> down the corridor to apartment 
> ninety-nine. At least his mother had 

R Jak: ...had a lot of insurance. He was glad he had pushed her out that window.

> gone. [Good riddance] he thought as he 
> opened the door to his tiny apartment 
> and stepped into the Vallhallic hall. 

zero: Ooh... Vallhallic...
R. Jak: Quiet, Goth boy.

> "What ho!" shouted Balin from the 
> table, where he was getting drunk with 
> Dalin. 
> 
> "Hi Balin. I'll be leaving the country 
> for a couple of weeks." Dalin lifted 
> his head from the table. 
> 
> "Really?

NeoVid: [Balin] Only a couple of weeks? Damn. I'm already sick of you.

> Then you won't need the 
> apartment for a while will you?" 
> 
> "No... why do you ask?" Asked Matsuro 
> suspiciously. 
> 
> "Well we were counting on having a big 
> p-" began Dalin before Balin clamped 
> his hand over the dwarf's mouth. 

NeoVid: A big... ewwwww!

> "Shh! You'll blow it... He said uh... we 
> wanted a big p... p... piece of that 
> chocolate cake that's in the fridge." 
> Balin smiled widely as Matsuro's 
> expression darkened. 

NeoVid: [Matsuro] Damn... they shut my lights off again.
R. Jak: [Bill Cosby] CHOCOLATE CAKE! FOR BREAKFAST!

> "You were going to say party weren't 
> you?" Balin sighed. 
> 
> "Well yes... but it was only going to be 
> a small one..." 
> 
> "Didn't Dalin say big?" Dalin smiled. 

R. Jak: [Dalin] Yes, Dalin did. Dalin is throwing a huge party. Dalin is going 
                to invite Zen, and Zathras, and...
(Mr. Khnt covers R. Jak's mouth)
Mr. Knht: Don't contiue or <Mr. Furious> I go Mewtwo on your butt! </Mr. 
          Furious>
NeoVid: Never say "Mewtwo" and "butt" in the same sentence again, Thinker. I'm 
        having flashbacks of Pokeporn.

> "Yeah! And I've got this really cool 
> lass coming."

NeoVid (Dalin): And it only took me seven minutes this time! I'm good...

> Dalin brought a 
> photograph out of his wallet and 
> offered it to Matsuro. 
> 
> "Good looking eh? She's got beautiful 
> hair hasn't she?" Matsuro took a look 
> at the treasured Polaroid. 

NeoVid: Of course, he was holding the wrong side up, so he only saw a big white 
        space.

> "Er, yes..." agreed Matsuro handing the 
> picture back. 
>
> "Best groomed beard in all of 
> Scandinavia." Sighed Dalin. Balin 
> looked imploringly at Matsuro. 

zero: Ha ha! Bearded ladies are funny!

> "Oh go on... Tell you what. We'll install 
> a swimming pool in this place for you 
> if we can have the party here." Matsuro 
> looked

NeoVid: ...Like a little skinny bastard who can't do anything that entertains 
        readers.

> sceptically at him. 
> 
> "How are you going to fit a swimming 
> pool in here?" 
> 
> "This hall used to be a sixteen metre 
> square apartment, and you ask me how 
> we're going to fit a swimming pool in 
> here? 

All: Very carefully.

> Leave it up to us and we'll have 
> the place fixed up in time for the 
> water volley ball match on the third 
> day of the party." 
> 
> Matsuro caught himself trying to 

NeoVid: ...Get his shorts off- OW!
R. Jak: (looks at his bat) Damn. I splintered it.

> imagine a dwarvern game of water 
> volleyball and stopped himself. On one 
> hand, he would have loads of dwarves 
> having a party in his home... on the 
> other, he'd get a swimming pool... On a 
> much more significant hand, 

zero: He'd have the largest concentration of dwarves on the eastern seaboard.
Mr. Knht: That scary thought.

> if he 
> didn't give his permission, the dwarves 
> would probably just have one anyway. 

NeoVid: (inscrutably) Ah, yes. The ancient secrets of the Significant Third 
                      Hand.

> "I guess it would be ok..." Balin's small 
> body only made the grin look bigger. 

Mr. Knht: Now that lines look thinkese to me, doesn't it?
(All nod.)

> "Great!" Balin dashed over to phone, 
> and dialled a sixteen-figure number, 
> presumably to another country. 
> 
> "Hello?  Bjorn? 

zero: [Balin] Bite me! Ha ha ha! <click>

> Yeah, turns out the 
> party's on after all, bring literally 
> everyone... Yeah, your right, we really 
> shouldn't invite that twit Rolf... 
> Uh-huh, that reminds me, bring over 
> your tools, were building a swimming 
> pool...

zero: They were? When?

> For the water volley ball match 
> of course... Ok, and could you see about 
> bringing some plastic sheeting as 
> well?

NeoVid: What do you mean I have to go out and catch it?

> Because the apartment's not mine 
> and the owner won't take to kindly to 
> having blood on the carpet, or the 
> walls, or the ceiling for that matter... 

R. Jak: [Balin] On his bed is OK, though...

> Ok, and remember, it's a Bring Yer Own 
> Barrel situation... See ye on Saturday 
> then." As Balin put down the phone, 
> Matsuro fixed him with a threatening 
> stare. 

Mr. Knht: He also take time to check Balin brake fluid and tire pressure.

> "Where were you calling to?" He asked, 
> his eyes alight with anger. 

Zerosum: England?
Mr. Knht: No, Scandinava.

> "Scandinavia, why? 

Zerosum: Thinker! You looked ahead!
Mr. Knht: I DID NOT! AND I'M NOT THINKER!

> "You're paying for the call." 
> 
> And for the first time since he had met 
> Keiko, Balin experienced a moment of 
> extreme terror. 

Mr. Knht: Don't even a gold coin with me. 
NeoVid: [Matsuro as Cardinal Fang] Get... the Comfy Chair!
R. Jak: How did you do that?
NeoVid: [R. Jak] Do what?
R. Jak: (angrily) Never do that again.
> 
> 
> ***
> 
> 
> 
R. Jak; ARGH! NOT MORE SPACES!!!!!!!!!!!
NeoVid: Whoaaaaaa... I'm, like, spacing out...
> 
> 
> 

> The Nakao parents were known to have a 

NeoVid: ...REALLY major drug problem.

> mildly unco-operative attitude to 
> having any of their children going off 
> on holidays across the world, so 
> Becky's school trip idea would 
> inevitably fail.

Mr. Knht: So does this story. 
zero: Look, its obviously not going to fail, given that we started the story 
      with them in America. CONTINUITY!

> Fortunately the three 
> sisters were intelligent enough to

R Jak: ...only stare into the sun for an hour at a time.

> plan 
> a method to gain the agreement of their 
> parents. 

NeoVid: It was a plan reminiscent of the Menendez brothers.

> Mr & Mrs Nakao were watching the eight 
> o'clock news in the living room when 
> Hanaki walked in and turned off the 
> television. 

R. Jak: That didn't work, since the parents then ate her. 

> Standing in front of the 
> screen, she faced her adoptive parents 
> and began to speak. 
> 
> "Mother, Father. Me and my sisters have 
> been asked to go on a world tour for 
> the next two weeks to

zero: [Hanaki] ...Get AWAY from you for once!
(The others jump into the seats about 4 rows away from zero.)

> further promote 
> our band, and we felt we should tell 
> you about it." 
> 
> Mrs Nakao was about to scream out a 
> sentence to the effect of "YOU'RE 
> WHAT?!!!" 

NeoVid: [Mrs. Nakao] You're WHAT? You're LESBIAN?
(Mr. Knht uses his Game Boy to call on a Charizard to give a new meaning to 
"very well done.")
NeoVid: OW!
R. Jak: Hello, W4's twin brother.
NeoVid: That wasn't funny!

> before Hanaki started 
> speaking again. 
> 
> "Before you forbid us to leave, I 
> merely ask you to listen calmly to this 
> argument formulated by Ayame." 
> 

All: Listen to Ayame? NOOOO!

> Ayame and Tejina entered from opposite 
> sides of the room, assuming positions 
> on either side of Hanaki, 

zero: Ah...the interpretive dance argument.
(The others stare at zerosum.)

> who then 
> walked around to the back of the couch, 
> behind the Nakaos. Tejina began to 
> speak in a dramatic tone. 
> 
> "To save humanity from elimination!" 

Mr. Knht: WHAT ON EARTH? PLEASE Don't pardoyized Team Rocket! 
Rest: Too late.

> 
> "To visit at least one other nation!" 
> Said Ayame, before Tej said. 
> 
> "To sing our songs of love!" 
> 
> "To get them into the charts above!" 

NeoVid: So basically, if they don't go, they'll run off and join a Pokemon cult?
Mr. Knht: But her mother siad, "You standing right in Japan."

> "Tejina!" 
> 
> "Ayame!" 

zero: Kosher salami!
NeoVid: Ralph!
Mr. Knht: Who's Ralph?

> "The Do-gooder must leave Japan on our 
> mission of delight!" 
> 
> "So let us go..." 
> 
> "You know it's right!" 

R. Jak: If Meowth shows up, I'm gonna kick his furry ass.

> The Nakaos sat in stunned silence 
> before Hanaki leaned over the shoulders 
> of her legal guardians to speak 
> directly into their ears. 

NeoVid: [Hanaki] Join us...join US!
R Jak: [mom] Hanaki... what are you doing with that scalpel?

> "Now either you let us leave the 
> country for two weeks, or Ayame will 
> use her more persuasive argument, which 
> lasts a full three hours and forty 
> seven minutes." 

NeoVid: Which she would launch into monologues about the va...
(R. Jak snatches the Game Boy Color from Mr. Knht and summons a Farfetch'd who 
beats NeoVid senseless.)
Mr. Knht: Hey! Ask next time! 
R. Jak: Sorry.

> Needless to say, resistance was 
> minimal. 

Mr. Knht: Isn't me or just that line is too "Star Trek" like for our tastebuds?
(The rest raise their hands.)

> 
> 
> ***
> 
Mr. Knht: I give this fic -3 stars. 
> 
> 
> 
> 

zero: ........
NeoVid:......?
Mr. Knht: .......!

> 
> 
> By 1 PM, Saturday, the Do-gooders (and 
> Aki and Keiko)

NeoVid: And Beavis, and Butthead...

> were on an aeroplane, 
> heading at Mach 0.75 towards San 
> Francisco. 

zero: They were going the same speed when they rammed into the Golden Gate 
      Bridge.

> Villyn's minions had already 
> left for Los Angeles (after a six hour 
> delay as Security searched the Camper's 
> pack for whatever kept setting off the 
> metal detector, which eventually turned 
> out to be a frying pan.)

Mr. Knht: [Security Officer] We got to fix this stupid gate again! 
R. Jak: [Security Officer] You can have your plastique and missiles back now, 
sir.

> and the going looked good. Keiko leaned to take 
> a look out the window as the city passed 
> under them. 
> 
> "Hey Matsuro! I can see you

NeoVid [Matsuro]: Well, duh. You're right next to me.

> apartment 
> from up here!" 
> 
> "How can you tell it's mine?" 
> 
> "What other apartment complex has a 
> vallhallic hall sticking out the 
> nineteenth floor?" 

R. Jak: Aw, you'd find plenty in LA.

> Matsuro scrambled across Keiko's lap to 
> look out the window. He couldn't see 
> his building anymore. 
> 
> "Aw... you just missed it." Keiko 
> grinned as Matsuro realised he was 
> sitting on her lap.

NeoVid: Then he realized he was- OW! Hey! You didn't even know what I was gonna 
        say!
R. Jak: Sure I didn't.

> She concentrated 
> and one of her image enhancing spells 
> increased in power. She looked into his 
> eyes and, in the orchestra of his mind, 

NeoVid: Lead by Professor Peter Schikele.

> Matsuro's string section began that 
> neat little bit of music that always 
> plays at moments of romantic 
> realisation. 

zero: You mean "Margaritaville"?
Mr. Knht: Or "Herseryville."

> He leaned over to kiss her 
> on the lips... 

NeoVid: (raises an eyebrow) OW! (looks at R. Jak)
R. Jak: I could hear you thinking it.

>
> "Excuse me, but the "Seatbelt" light is 
> still on, please return to your seat." 
> Said the stewardess. Keiko pointed a 
> finger at her, setting her hair alight. 

NeoVid: [Keiko] Now, want to see what I can do with two fingers?

> The stewardess dashed off into the 
> cockpit, possibly in search of an 
> extinguisher for her hair. 

(Mr. Knht starts laughing out loud.)
R. Jak: I don't see what's funny about hair catching on fire. 

> "Now..." said Keiko "Where were we?" 
> Matsuro's string section began again... 
> 
> But in the cockpit, the stewardess had 
> put out her hair and had made a deal 
> with the pilot. 

NeoVid [stewardess]: I'll give you some honey roasted peanuts if you fly us to 
                     Cuba.
zero [pilot]: Daaah...okay.

> She watched the 
> bishounen and leather clad lovers, 
> waiting for the right moment to strike. 

zero: ...so, he's wearing a bishounen?

> 
> "Wait for it... wait for it... NOW!" 
> 
> The plane lurched violently;

Mr Khnt: The Plane is airsicked!

> Matsuro 
> lurched from Keiko's lap and flew 
> across the aisle, knocked his head on 
> the overhead luggage compartment and 
> fell, unconscious, into Kireiko's lap. 
> The intercom buzzed. 

R. Jak: Here it comes...
NeoVid: That's what Matsuro would be saying if he was awa- OW!

> "We apologise for that, we seem to be 
> experiencing some turbulence, 

(Everyone groans.)

> if the 
> gentleman in the school uniform would 
> care to return to his seat, we may 
> continue with a little less..." 

zero: ...smarminess.
R. Jak: ...fanservice.
Mr. Knht: ...whitspase.
NeoVid: ...poorly written dialogue.

> 
> Kireiko lifted up the unconscious body 
> of the prone drummer and dropped it 
> down into his seat. Keiko sighed as she 
> buckled Matsuro up. [He's cute when 
> he's unconscious.] She thought. 

NeoVid: No one's ever said that about me.
zero: How can you be sure?
NeoVid: Um... gee...

> Keiko called over one of the friendlier 
> stewards and ordered a cup of coffee. 
> 

R. Jak [stewardess]: No, you CAN'T have a cup of coffee! What you think this is, 
                     Swiss Air?

> 
> ***
> 
> 

zero: Our heroes must be watching the in-flight movie.
NeoVid: Yeah.
Mr Khnt: Who our heros? I'd never seen.

> 
> 
> 
> 
> About two hours later, the plane landed 
> and the jet lagged band members stepped 
> off the plane and onto the tarmac of 
> one of San Francisco's many airports. 

Mr Knht: Many?
R. Jak: I thought there was only one.

> As the Do-Gooders (and associates) 
> stepped off the plane 

NeoVid: They fell twenty feet to the ground cause some idiot forgot to get the 
ladder.

> one of the 
> Do-Gooders noticed one of the 
> associates grinning even more evilly 
> than she normally did. 
> 
> "Keiko..." 

NeoVid: ...What are you on, and can you spare some?

> Began Hanaki. "If I ask you 
> why you're grinning evilly will I be 
> forced to stop you on moral grounds." 
> Keiko's grin went up the evil scale a 
> little bit more. 
> 
> "Well let's just say... I gave that 
> impolite stewardess 

NeoVid [Keiko]: Something medical science will never save her from!

> a bit of a curse!" 

R. Jak: She cussed her out. Oooooooh.

> "Oh no... It won't kill her will it?" Han 
> covered her ears as Keiko began her 
> laugh. 
> 
> "OOOH-HOHOHOHO!!!!! No, but

R Jak: ...The laugh will.

> the irate 
> bitch shall learn not to injure the 
> boyfriend of KEIKO! THE... THE... ER...

Mr Khnt: So she now is a part of a hodspital?

> THE 
> SORCERESS!" Han sweatdropped as the 
> group picked up their luggage. 
> 

Mr. Knht: [Keiko] I WILL GET YOU AND YOUR BAND, TOO!!!! THAT IS THE LAST STRAW! 
                  BW-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!!!!
NeoVid: So swears the White...uh, sorry. Wrong reality again.

> 
> ***
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 

zero: <deadpan> The pause that refreshes.

> The theft of the stewardess' car engine 
> later that day, and the subsequent rain 
> shower that dogged her return home had 
> more to do with poetic justice then 
> Keiko's curse. However, Keiko's magic 
> did cause the stewardess's winning 
> lottery ticket to spontaneously 
> combust, right before her eyes

R Jak: ...Fell out of her head and were run over.

> as she 
> watched the draw that Saturday. This 
> only goes to show that you shouldn't 
> mess with the affairs of sorceresses, 
> for they are subtle and will burn your 
> lottery tickets. 

R. Jak: That is the reason I don't play the lottery.
Mr. Knht: What on earth? This guy must be a fan of run on-sectences? Or what?
zero: This must be some strange usage of the word 'subtle' that I wasn't 
previously aware of.

> 
> 
> ***
> 
> 
> 

R. Jak: Not again!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE NO MORE SPACES!!!!!!!!!!!!
NeoVid: Jak, your exclamation marks...
R. Jak: Oops. Heh heh. ^_^

> 
> 
> 
> 
> One thing the band unanimously agreed 
> on was 

zero: Fluffy bunnies.

> the fact that without a funky 
> road rippin' babe magnet style set of 
> wheels, they weren't going anywhere. 

NeoVid: But they then thought that a car would be more sensible.

> Well, the funky road rippin' babe 
> magnet style part wasn't unanimous

NeoVid: Darn.

> but 
> the bit about the set of wheels was. So 
> this was why the Do-Gooders were 
> assembled in Honest Jack's Second hand 
> automobile emporium. 

Mr. Knht: Hey! It R. Jak brother.
R. Jak: That's... not... funny...
NeoVid: You're Controversial Jack's brother?

> Jack grinned in glee, any day now the 
> liquidators would be arriving and he 
> really needed some money to take so he 
> could run with it. He stepped up to the 
> blue haired girl that seemed to be 
> leading the group. 

zero: The chains connecting the rest of them together must have given it away.

> 
> "Good morning young lady, how can I 
> supply your transit needs?" To which 
> Tejina replied: 
> 
> "[What did you say? Do you speak 
> Japanese?]" Jack stared blankly at her.

NeoVid: *blink* I just tried to remember why I liked this fic before... it's not 
                coming back.

> 
> 
> "Do any of you kids speak English?" 
> Becky nodded. 
> 
> "Yes, but we'd prefer it if we dealt 
> with someone who spoke Japanese." 

zero: [Jack] Okay, uh...[This better?]
NeoVid: [Becky] [Yes, that's... why are we speaking in brackets all the sudden?]
Mr. Khnt: [Orochi]: You [fool] are [ripping] off. Ill give you a [hurt].

> Ayame pushed her way to the front of 
> the group and posed dramatically. 
> 
> "Ah! Truly we are in a state that 
> requires my skill with words! Fear not 
> fellow Do-Gooders, for I shall aid you 
> with my abilities!" Tejina sighed. 
> 
> "Does anyone else have a feeling of 
> impending doom?" 

(All raise their hands.)

> "My fellow friends, I shall improve our 
> situation by breaking down the walls of 
> incomprehension and cultural 
> differences by bestowing upon you all 
> the gift of mild

NeoVid: ...Brain damage. It really IS a gift right now.

> telepathic linguistic 
> communication, to aid our acquirement 
> of vehicular

zero: Homicide?

> transportation

zero: Aww.

> or the 
> odyssey that awaits us, in this great 
> world of ours!" 

R. Jak: So they're gonna sell her then?

> A strange feeling tingled through the 
> brains of all the Do-Gooders and 
> associates. Aki turned to Hanaki. 

NeoVid: [Aki] Hey, my brain finally started working!

> 
> "How does your moth- er sis- er... Ayame 
> cope with such long sentences?" Hanaki 
> shrugged. 
> 
> "Circular breathing?" Jack looked back 
> at Tejina, having been distracted by 
> the display of vocal talent. 

Mr. Knht: OrlackoftalkinglikeriffersonMysteryScienceTheather30000.
R. Jak: Thatwasamouthfull.
Mr. Knht: Noduh,Sherlock.
R. Jak: Wellicankeepitupaslongasyou!
Mr. Knht: Ohnoyoucant.
R. Jak: Ohyesican!
Mr. Knht: Ohnoyoucant.
R. Jak: Ohyesican!
Mr. Knht: Ohnoyoucant.
R. Jak: Ohyesican!
Mr. Knht: Ohnoyouca...
zero: STOP IT! STOP IT! My brain hurts!
Mr. Knht: OkwestopitoneRJakmarriesKate.
R. Jak: Hey!Getalife,Thinker.
Mr. Knht: Justjoking.AndI'mnotthinking.
(zero takes Mr. Knht's game boy and calls on Venusaurs to whip R. Jak and Mr.
 Knht back to saneville.)
NeoVid: 'Bouttimetheystoppedthat.

> "Er, I don't suppose you understand 
> me?" 
> 
> "Well yes. We ne-" Tejina stopped, she 
> had actually understood that last 
> question, even though she had heard it 
> as

zero: ...A proposition.

> English. She looked at Ayame, who 
> winked at her and smiled, a twinkle of 
> light glinting on her teeth. 
> 
> "So, you can understand me now?" 
> 
> "Yes, shall I show you

NeoVid: [Jack] ...My- OW!

> around?" 
> 
> Everyone looked at each other, made a 
> collective shrug and followed Jack into 
> the showroom. 
> 
> There was a basic selection of about a 
> dozen cars before they came to the 
> second last one, which was where 
> Kireiko fell in love. 

zero: With a gas can.
Mr. Knht: Give new meaning to giving spark. 
(The others groan.)

> "My god!" He gasped. "It's perfect!" 
> 
> The car was a red '68 Chevrolet, the 
> paintwork glinted like it was only 
> yesterday that

zero: ...the special effect guy got a 'glint' command.

> it rolled off the 
> production line. Kireiko caressed the 
> bodywork, grinning like an idiot. 

Mr. Knht: Huh? What about that van from opening?
NeoVid: They'll end up buying it when they realize that there's no way to fit 
        eight people in a '68 Chevy.
R. Jak: How exactly are a bunch of foreign high school kids going to buy a car, 
        anyway?
zero: Mastery of the Plot Contrivance Field.

> "She's beautiful..." he sighed, stepping 
> back. Becky facefaulted. 
> 
> "You're talking as though it was a girl 
> Kireiko. You're nuts!" Hanaki looked 
> over at the car. 

NeoVid: It took you that long to figure THAT out?

> "Actually, I think car's a feminine 
> noun... like "la automobile" in French..." 

Mr. Knht: That what they call "Whopper" in France.

> Aki stared at the Chevvy, noticing 
> something amiss. 

R. Jak: Namely, the engine.
NeoVid: [Kireiko] Why does it have those sticks marked 'TNT' on it?

> "Well, Mister Jack, could you explain 
> why her tape deck has suddenly begun 
> playing old rock music for no good 
> reason?" 

Mr. Knht: It likes the Micheal Jackslon

> "It's a feature. Er... you've set the 
> preliminary alarm off. If you actually 
> try to drive off with it then it'll 
> start playing Hanson." 

zero: That's so 1997 it's not even funny.

> Everyone 
> shuddered at the thought, except 
> Kireiko, who was too busy

R Jak: ...Cutting his ears off, just in case.

> running his 
> fingers over the personalised licence 
> plate at the back. 
> 
> "Caroline... Such a beautiful name for 
> this glorious machine."

Mr Khnt: Glorus Machine... makes automatic Salyers episodes!

> Hanaki 
> facefaulted, for a soon to be explained 
> reason. 

R. Jak: [author] It's because I LIKE facefaulting! I don't know what it is, but 
                 it's fun to say, innit?
zero: Facefault. Facefault facefault facefault. (turns to Jak) Yep, right up 
      there with Gompers.
NeoVid: Gompers! You put down that UPS man this INSTANT!

> "Jack, why did the engine rev when 
> Kireiko stroked the bumper just then?" 

NeoVid: It likes him?

> "Er... It's like a... It's sort of like an 
> auto start for the car." 
> 
> "You're lying aren't you? This car's 
> possessed or something isn't it?" 
> 
> Jack sighed. 

zero: [Jack] Yes. You've seen through my clever plan. I'm actually the author, 
             and this is how I'm trying to introduce the plot. Play along, will 
             you?

> 
> "Well yes, but look!

R. Jak: [Jack] It'll kill anyone who tries to steal it! You don't need an alarm!

> If you scratch the 
> paintwork like this..." Said Jack, 
> demonstrating with his car keys on the 
> unmarked chrome. "And look! It heals 
> up! Just like- GLURK!" 

Mr Khnt: How fast do GLURK heal?

> "You bastard!" Shouted Kireiko, jumping 
> up and down on Jack's ribs.

NeoVid: [Jack] Damn! I was looking forward to having barbecue today...

> "How dare 
> you harm such a fragile creature." 
> Tejina pulled the enraged half-oni off 
> the bruised car dealer. 

zero: You mean that video game chick of that game that's never gonna come out?
NeoVid: Different Oni.

> "Stop doing that! It'll really cripple 
> our world tour if our guitarist is 
> arrested before our first concert." 

Mr. Knht: It not bother Pumkin Smash.
(blank stares)
zero: OH! Smashing Pumpkins!
R. Jak: What, NOW? 
NeoVid: Hmmm... smashing pumpkins on the keyboard... maybe that's how this was 
written.

> Keiko prodded the injured tradesman 
> with her foot. 

Mr. Knht: But she missed.

> "Er, are you ok?" Jack pulled himself 
> up, despite his injuries, as you can 
> recover from virtually anything short 
> of total evisceration when you're a 
> named manga character... with the 
> possible exception of dark generals. 

R. Jak: [author] That cracking sound you hear in the background is NOT the 
                 fourth wall crumbling. Honest!

> "Uh... Sure... Now my good man, are you 
> interested in buying this fine 
> machine?" Hanaki ran her hand over the 
> bonnet, 

NeoVid: That's a silly thing to put on a car.
zero: (pained expression) It's another Britishism. A particularly stupid 
                          sounding one.
R. Jak: 'Ello, luv. Just goin' down to the pub fer some fish and chips.
Mr. Knht: Throw another shrimp the barbie.
NeoVid: That's Australian.
Mr. Knht: Sorry.

> a mildly suspicious expression 
> on her face. 
> 
> "If this machine is so fine... The why 
> did anyone sell it?" Jack shrugged. 

zero: Ever see "The Love Bug"?
R. Jak: Yeah. That Herbie was a pain in the tushie to mantain.

> "I dunno, I just found it

NeoVid: [Jack] ...Inside a Crackerjack box.

> at a scrap 
> yard a few years ago. So anyway, are 
> you going to buy it?" 

All: No! They're not!

> 
> "Yes." 

Mr. Knht: No! We have arleady saw the car they got!

> Answered Kireiko, looking up and 
> looking very serious. 
> 
> "Then it'll be two thousand dollars, 
> thank you very much." Tejina sighed. 
> 
> "I'm sorry Kireiko, we only have one 
> thousand." Kireiko sighed. 

zero: [Kireiko] Right. We'll just have to sell one of the girls into slavery.

> "Ah well, I suppose it was too good to 
> be true..." He leaned down and kissed the 
> red chrome.

NeoVid: Looks like Kireiko has the same fixation as Leona Ozake.

> "I shall make it my aim in 
> life, to one day return and reclaim 
> this car, this is my promise and I 
> shall fulfil it before I die." 
> 
> Everyone sweatdropped. 

NeoVid: Thus causing a major flood in the San Francisco area.

> "He's really hung up on that car isn't 
> he?" Rhetoricalised Aki, she then 

zero: (apoplectic) Rhetoricalised?! What the- OW!
R. Jak: Look, man, you're starting to get out of control.
zero: (quiet) ...no more bat, please...

> looked at Ayame "Is this a side affect 
> of your abilities?" 
> 
> "Most definitely not my dear friend Aki 
> Villyn!" Answered Ayame, using nineteen 
> times more letters

zero: ...than we could hear and stay sane.

> then was strictly 
> necessary for a standard negative 
> response, though the situation is 
> probably different in Japanese, but the 
> situation being as it was, that is, 

R. Jak: Yes, yes, just get on with the story.

> Ayame, Tejina, Hanaki, Matsuro, 
> Kireiko, Becky, Aki and Keiko are all 
> talking in such a way 

NeoVid: Uh... yes. Now will you...

> that Fanfic 
> readers can understand them and so are 
> speaking in the almost universally 

Mr. Knht: This lead to some point?
zero: I dunno.

> recognised universal language of 
> English and this would be correct if 
> this is ever dubbed or subtitled, that 
> is, if this ever becomes an anime, 

All: GET ON WITH IT, DAMMIT!

> which is not impossible considering the 
> amazingly large variety of animation 
> programs available... 

Mr. Knht: On Cartoon Network.

> Uh, anyway, the next vehicle available 
> was a large green van, with colourful 
> flowers pained on the side. 

NeoVid: The Mystery Machine's evil twin.

> Tejina 
> opened the back of the van. 
> 
> "Hmm... quite spacious... though I don't 
> like the flowers on the side." 
> 
> "Never mind, we can just tie a banner 
> on the side or something."

NeoVid: How 'bout a bonnet?

> Reasoned 
> Hanaki. Kireiko shook his head. 
> 
> "Nah, you can't polish a turd like 
> this." 

Mr. Knht: What wrong with polishing...
NeoVid: THANK you, Thinker.
Mr. Knht: Thanks. (pause) I not Thinker.
R. Jak: Shut up, Thinker.

> Tejina tuned to Jack. 
> 
> "Where did you get this then?" 
> 
> "Oh I bought it off some passing 
> weirdo, I think he said his name was... 
> scruffy or something, 

zero: [Jack] He paid in Scooby Snacks, so I killed him.

> I cant really 
> remember... Anyway it's a mere five 
> hundred dollars for this reliable old 
> thingy and I'll throw in a free gallon 
> of gas." Keiko leaned out the front 
> window of the ageing vehicle. 

NeoVid: [van] Oy... carrying around a rock band? This ain't no job for a vehicle 
              my age...

> "We'll give you one hundred." Had Jack 
> been drinking something when Keiko said 
> that he would have sat it out

Mr Khnt: I like to sit this story out, and also.

> in 
> surprise, he wasn't so he resorted to 
> having a facefault that could level a 
> small town. 
> 
> "WHAT?!!!!! At five hundred I'm 
> practically slashing my own wrists as 
> it is!" 

zero: Okay. Slash his wrists. A gratuitous death scene would cheer me up to no 
      end.

> Keiko grinned. 
>
> "Ayame, bargain with the man." 

R. Jak: [Ayame] Ha ha! It's lunch time...FOR MY FIST!
Mr. Knht: [Ayame] Bake me bread, Baker MAN!

> From that day forth, Jack had a strange 
> and unshakeable fear of the voice of 
> anyone with green hair. Fortunately as 
> the green hair gene is not a common one 
> this did not bother him too much. 

R. Jak: Yes, no one in Los Angeles would dare -dye- their -hair-.

> 
> 
> ***
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 

NeoVid: Hey, it's being narrated by Silent Bob!

> 
> 
> The scene shimmered again and refocused 
> on the fuku'd verbosifyer. 

R. Jak: Mmmmm...fuku...
(zero focuses on the fuku, then refocuses on the -wearer- of the fuku)

> "And so here we are, on the road to Los 
> Angeles, lost and alone in California." 

NeoVid: [Ayame] Where we'll be killed by Pod people. The end.

> Ayame looked up from whoever she was 
> looking at. By now, the Do-Gooders had 
> succeeded in opening the back of the 
> van and had all left to stand aside the 
> road in search of assistance. 

zero: They found only an armadillo.
NeoVid: Somehow, they managed not to notice the Unaccountably Large, Flying 
        Humanoid Aardvark of Doom.
zero: (looks at Neo) What the hell are you talking about?
R. Jak: A flying aardvark.
zero: ...I guessed that part.
NeoVid: He's one of the more... unique... GMCAers.

> Outside, 
> the silhouettes of seven of the heroes 
> were visible against the deep purple of 
> the night. Audible above the drumming 
> of the rain and the occasional rumble 
> of thunder, was the voice of 

NeoVid: Da da da da da da DAH.

> Tejina. 

R. Jak: Wow. That was very nearly dramatic.
Mr. Knht: Too cliche visual to be dramatic.

> 
> "Han, how could you possibly confuse 

NeoVid: [Tejina] ...Peyote with marijuana? They hardly look alike!

> this map of what is obviously New 
> Mexico, with one of California?" 
> 
> "But when I bought it I was assured it 
> was a map of California." 
> 
> "Where did you buy it?" 

R. Jak: [Han] Uh...New Mexico?

> "I got it second hand off some bloke 

NeoVid: [Keiko] ...Who cursed me to sound English at random times.

> with an umbrella at the airport." This 
> left nothing much to talk about for a 
> while until Matsuro noticed something. 

zero: [Matsuro] Look! A bug!

> "It's stopped." He said. 
> 
> "What has?" Asked Kireiko. 

Mr. Knht: The plot.

> "The talking, Ayame's finally stopped 
> talking." Instead of the whoops and 
> cheers this would normally bring, there 
> was another muted pause. Aki spoke up. 

R. Jak: [Aki] Can I start talking then?
All: NO!

> "I wonder if she's snapped out of this 
> whole craziness thing." 

NeoVid: They tried curing me that way. Once.

> "Someone will have to check..." noted 
> Becky. This produced a sort of Captain 
> Oates situation. Which Keiko quickly 
> solved. 

R. Jak: With the liberal use of nuclear devices.

> "I vote Kireiko goes. All in favour?" 
> 
> "Aye!" 
> 
> "Yes!" 
> 
> "Agreed." 
> 
> "'Got my vote." 
> 
> "Naturally." 
> 
> "All opposed?" 

All: ME!

> 
> "No way!" 

NeoVid: It's turned into Survivor all the sudden. I think. I kinda wish I had 
        seen that show...
R. Jak: [Rudy] I vote Carol off. She smells funny.

> "Tough luck Oni-boy, get down there!" 
> Keiko kicked Kireiko down into the 
> ditch, where he landed on 

NeoVid: ...Ayame, solving the problem.

> his feet. He 
> creeped slowly over to the opening, 
> peering into it in the same way that an 
> action hero who has just slain a giant 
> robot checks for that it suddenly

Mr Khnt: ...Is really talk like Thinker writed it down.

> isn't 
> going to lurch back to life and 
> strangle him to death. 

R. Jak: How come we never get to watch THOSE type of stories anyway?

> "Hello fellow crusader Kireiko! Would 
> you remove my bonds so I may re-join 
> you and my fellow friends?" called 
> Ayame. Kireiko sighed, untied and then 
> re-unified

NeoVid: ...And died.

> Ayame with their friends. 
> 
> "I still blame you for this Han." 
> Blamed Keiko. 

zero: Nerf herder! 

> "Things could be worse." Said Han. 
> 
> "Worse? We're lost with nowhere to stay 
> for the night. What're we going to do?" 

R. Jak: Five bucks says it's gonna be a wild group orgy.
zero: You're on. (RJ and zero shake hands.)
NeoVid: If Jak's right, everybody wins!
Mr Khnt: NEVER LEMON! I BLINDED!

> As if fulfilling some dramatic 
> necessity, a sudden flash of lightening 
> illuminated a large, ominous mansion 
> atop a hill, conveniently within 
> walking distance. Everyone sweatdropped 
> in unison, then Tejina spoke 

NeoVid: [Keiko] Hey look! An large ominous mansion atop a hill conveniently 
                within...
R. Jak: Vid...
NeoVid: Yeah?
R. Jak: Don't.
NeoVid: Don't what?

> "Well, there's at least one answer..." 
> Keiko smiled, the house looked quite 
> gothic... offering the possibility of 
> cool architecture. 
> 
> "C'mon everyone. It's time I got outta 
> these wet leathers and into

zero and NeoVid: a- OW!
Mr. Knht: Nice follow-through.
R. Jak: Thanks. 
zero: We were just gonna say a dry martini!
R. Jak: Suuuuuuure.

> a nice warm 
> bed." 
> 
> The Do-Gooders and companions began 
> their trudge up to the mansion. 
> 
> 
> 
> ***
> 
> 

zero: Well, no orgy. Pay up.
R. Jak: Hey. It might happen in the hotel. Keep your shirt on.
zero: I'm not wearing a shirt. Just the jacket.

> 
> 
> 
> 
> Meanwhile, in an airport lounge in Los 
> Angeles... 
> 
> "Excuse me sir, but I really must ask 
> you to move your tent." 
> 
> "For the last time, I'm not getting out 
> until Aki-sama arrives or there's a 
> major

zero [Quake Camper]: ...Plot development! I'll be here forever!

> breakthrough in earthquake 
> prevention!" 
> 
> WHAT AWAITS OUR HEROES AT THE 
> GOTIC-ESQUE MANSION? WILL THEY EVER 
> REACH LOS ANGELEAS? 

R. Jak: Will they ever type Los Angeles right?

> WILL THE QUAKE 
> CAMPER EVER

NeoVid: ...BE MORE THAN A CHEAP GAG?

> LEAVE HIS TENT? WILL 
> MATSURO'S MOTHER

Mr Khnt: ...KEEP DIED ONCE?

> TURN UP? WHAT OTHER 
> EXCITING LOCATIONS SHALL THE DO-GOODERS 
> VISIT? 

Mr. Knht: What with all this facefault?
NeoVid: Who is Spain?
zero: Why is Hitler?
R. Jak: How was Trump in Munich?

> IF A TREE FALLS IN THE WOODS AND 
> NO-ONE'S AROUND, WILL ANYONE CARE? 

zero: If you like trees, yes.

> All this and more next time on The 
> Do-Gooders World Tour! 
> 
> Authors notes: 

NeoVid: [author] I'm very, VERY sorry.

> C&C desired, please? 

Mr. Knht: Stick to day job.
R. Jak: Try to be more coherent.
zero: Wear loose knits.
NeoVid: I used to like this fic.

> WAI! This was fun to write! 

NeoVid: To READ, however...

> I'll 
> probably be writing the next part, 
> though I plan on having other writers 
> from the DGML write episodes later on. 
> So stay tuned! 

(R. Jak whimpers.)

> A big "Ta mate!" to the folks on the 
> Do-Gooders mailing list who at least 
> partially inspired this and a slightly 
> bigger "Cor blimey guvner, you've been 
> a great help!"

zero: [author, screaming] I'M BRITISH!

> to the pre-reader for 
> this omake, Yasha, whose scathing 
> critique over petty little details 
> greatly improved the readability of 
> this episode. 

R. Jak: This thing had a proofreader?
NeoVid: Must have been low budget.
Mr. Knht: More like bad news to me.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

Up in the broadcast booth of the Theater of Pain, Kate and her evil twin were 
engaging in a staring contest.

Kate glared at Evil Kate. "You're slipping, you know," she said.

Evil Kate glared back. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, come on. 'BLOT 4!' 'I'm invisible!' You're going into Thinker-speak. You're 
losing it."  Kate shook her head sadly. "A shame... I'll bet your genetic 
structure is going to destabilize any minute now or something."

Evil Kate looked slightly nervous for once. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, you know... scientists managed to create a super-strong, genetically-
superior being, but in the end there's always some fatal flaw, and the clone 
ends up going insane or melting into a puddle of goo on the lab floor or 
something like that." Kate probably would have shrugged nonchalantly if she 
hadn't been tied up.

"You're lying!" Evil Kate said. "This is just some sort of trick so you can get 
yourself and all your little friends out of here!"

"Suit yourself," Kate answered. "But don't come crying to me when you start to 
disintegrate."

"You... you... you're so mean!" Evil Kate wailed.

In the meantime, TV's Echo, who had been sitting in the corner and watching the 
Sailor Moon S movie (subbed, of course), realized that the first part of Do 
Gooders World Tour had ended, and it was time to let the test subjects back into 
the lobby for the intermission. Taking care not to disturb the Kates, he pushed 
the buttons to open the theater doors. In a few minutes, he'd turn on the lobby 
projection screen.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

Meanwhile, in the lobby, the eight poor souls left to fend for themselves were 
comparing their experiences in the theater. More than half of them were drunk, 
partly to the fact that Jonatan, while in captivity, had stowed away a secret 
cache of alcohol inside a hollow wall.

R. Jak gulped down yet another shot of spirits as he talked with a small group 
gathered around the popcorn popper. "As far as I can see," he said, with a 
slight slur, "this experiment is actually kinda mild, in comparison."

"Comparison to what?" Zeek asked, trying to focus on the blurry images ahead of 
him.

"Well, think about it," Scott said, as articulate as ever (not that that's 
saying a whole lot). "The basis of this is supposedly a sort of torture, ne? 
Except this one's supposed to hurt, but it only causes... causes..."

"Annoyance..." NeoVid groaned from underneath the popcorn popper.

"Right. Annoyance." Scott thought a bit. "Bloody load of pauses, weren't there? 
I bet we could write our own fanfic in all the whitespace."

"Yeaaahh..." NeoVid mumbled. "Til I was forced to read it, I thought World Tour 
was pretty good..."

Mark would have commented on the subject, but at the moment, he was holding an 
ice pack on his head and groaning. All that from downing two shots of spirit.

Jonatan nudged Mark. "You really can't take liquor very well, can you?"

"Shaddup! Ooohh..." Mark replied. 

"And then there's the fact that he keeps messing up who's speaking," Jonatan 
continued, sipping a glass of vodka.  "That's way messed up. I told him
you can't do that, but did he listen? Nooo..."

"Who?" Zeek asked, a confused look on his face.

"Him," Scott said unhelpfully.

"Never mind." He looked up at the mysterious Mr. Knht, who was floating around 
the room, rather disoriented. "So what you think of Do-Gooders World Tour?"

Mr. Knht glared at Jon, refusing to speak for a few moments.

"Funguy," Jon repeated, "what did you think of..."

Then, Mr. Knht took out his Game Boy. "Zapdos! I choose you!" he yelled. 

Zapdos flew out of the Game Boy and let out a great bolt of electricity, 
destroying the popcorn machine and shocking everyone in the room expect Mr. 
Knht. 

"Okay," said Scott, slightly frizzled. "That was unnecessary."

Mr. Knht pocketed the Game Boy. "I think Zadpos giv ya my anwser." Mr. Knht 
replied. 

"A pain in the Game Boy system?" asked Jonatan.

"Correct, but good enough for me." stated Mr. Knht. 

"I mean," Scott droned on in the background, "you completely ruined the 
popcorn... now what am I supposed to eat during part two? Nachos? I think not. 
No respect for tradition, I'm telling you..."

Mr. Knht suddenly boggled, as the Zapdos gave one last terrified squak and died 
a horrible death via steel.

Zeek then sheathed his sword, totally sober now. "DO THAT AGAIN AND I CUT YOU TO 
RIBBONS, KNHT!" he shouted again.

"WHAT WRONG WITH YOU! NOW I GOT GET NOTHER!" Mr. Knht reached for his Game Boy, 
but it was snatched out of his hand.

"Let me keep this for now, Thinker," Mark said ominously, stuffing the 
contraption into his pocket as R. Jak and NeoVid struggled out of the large 
mound of broken machinery and popped corn.  NeoVid, who was still drunk, 
staggered out and leaned up against Mark.

"Now Knht," Zeek replied, "you'd better knock it off, before you do something 
you will regret."

"Like what?" R. Jak remarked, wiped out the last of the melted butter out of his 
hair. "Write another Supergirl story?"

"THINKER rwite Supergirl story, no me!" Mr. Knht replied indignantly. 

Before Zeek could reply, the screen lit up, revealing an angry Kate and a 
sobbing Evil Kate.

"Hi guys," Kate said in an embarrassed tone of voice.

The group waved back, then NeoVid passed out.

"Hey, Kate!" Mark shouted. His headache and dizziness were doing weird things to 
his thought processes. "You made Evil Kate cry! That wasn't very nice of you!"

"But she trapped you in a theater and made you watch bad fanfiction! She isn't 
nice!" Kate attempted to defend herself.

"Huh?" Mark intoned. "Oh, yeah. Forgot." He tossed the water in the ice bucket 
over his head, in effect also drenching NeoVid. "Brrrr! That woke me up!"

"What, and you are?" R. Jak pointed out to Kate. "You beating up on poor Jon all 
the time? You should be ashamed."

"Are you saying there's something wrong with my hobbies?" Jonatan asked, 
confused.

Despite still being on the floor, NeoVid said "She's eeeevil, man, evil... I 
never thought MSTing was a bad thing until today..."

Scott shrugged. "It's not a bad thing."

"What was that 'FUN?' thing about, then?" Jonatan retorted.

"Well, it's sort of expected. You know. Anyway, Kate, you should really be nicer 
to Evil Kate. Because the only difference between you is that she's not nice. 
Right? Aside from the revealing leather, I mean. Which I still think you 
should reconsider. She looks really--" He paused for a moment. "Um, I said all 
that out loud, didn't I?"

Mark nodded.

"Damn. I shouldn't've started drinking." He gave Kate a very broad, very 
innocent smile, which didn't fool her in the slightest. "Er, never mind?"

"So now that you defeated your evil twin, does that mean you're going to let us 
go, Kate?" Mark asked.

"Well..." Kate responded.  "I wouldn't exactly say that I *defeated* her.  I 
mean, you don't see me untied or anything, do you?"

Echo, meanwhile, decided that he could help his boss out by taking matters into 
his own hands.  He pushed the button, reopening the theater doors.

The groups started to head back to the theaters, before they were interrupted by 
Evil Kate (who apparently had managed to recover from her crying fit).  "Wait, 
where do you think you're going? You don't get back into the theater until you 
switch teams! It's because... um... because you'll have a harder time dealing 
with the fic if I shake you up like this!"

"Uh...okay," R. Jak said, a bit unsure.

"Oh yay. So who's the lucky members this time?" Zeek looked up at Evil Kate.

Evil Kate took a sheet of paper from Echo and read the new groups. "Okay, the 
hentai, the immortal, the cynic..."

"...the lion, the witch, the wardrobe..." Jonatan filled in.

"...and a partridge in a pear tree," NeoVid finished.

"Shut up." Evil Kate glared. "...and the new guy go to theater one. Theater two 
is the normal guy, the cosplayer, the guy speaking bad english, and the goth."

"...oh my," Jonatan giggled. The others looked oddly at him, wondering what was 
so fun about Kasumi impressions.

"Be more specific, Kate," Scott said. "Which one's the normal guy?"

"Mark's the MOST normal," Jon suggested.

Mark nodded. "Yes, I may be..." Pause. "Wait a minute..." He stopped and glared 
at Jonatan. "I am NOT! I'm as abnormal as any of you." Mark stopped again. "That 
didn't come out right," he muttered under his breath.

"Hmm. Given the present company, I think I'd have to agree with Jon," Scott 
disagreed with Mark. "But you couldn't come up with anything better than 'new 
guy' for me? Come on... what kind of villain are you? I could do better than 
that..."

"Okay, specifics here," Evil Kate said angrily. "We're switching the ones called 
R. Jak and NeoVid to theater one. They 
trade off with Mark and Zeek. Is that better?"

"No relly," Mr. Knht said innocently. "Who normal one?"

"JUST GET IN THERE, SPOONY BARDS!" Evil Kate screamed.

"Okay, okay."

"I'm not really a-- ah, forget it, nobody'll get that reference anyway," Scott 
muttered.

"Jeez," Jon remarked before the group departed. "Not a funny bone in her body. 
Loves to break mine, though..."

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

DOOR SEQUENCE:

4B: It's a rotten door.  It takes Mr. Knht five strong Pokemon to bring down the 
door.

3B: A picture of Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank.  The door opens by replacing Dr. 
Forrester and TV's Frank with Evil Kate and Echo.

2B: It's a IFR picture gallery of Dr. Thinker's pictures. You find the doorway 
behind W4's picture.

1B: It's the famous Pokemon, Mewtwo. He transports the B-Riffers into the 
theater.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

> The world burned.

Mr. Knht: [Charleton Heston] Hey fine did that those dirty rats, they nuked the 
                             world! 

> Mankind had foolishly 
> wasted 

Mark: ... his chance at a World Championship Title by jobbing to Triple H.
Zeek: (turns to Mark) You a wrestling fan?
Mark: (shrugs) I only watch it to get some laughs.

>its only chance at peace and 
> gone to war. Weapons more terrible than 
> any conceivable today were deployed, 
> and all life on earth was destroyed.

zero: You know, I'm feeling much happier about this fic now.
Mark: [Author] But if you think that ends this fic, think again! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

> It's a good job this omake takes place 
> a few centuries before that then.

Mark: (groans) Thought so.
Mr. Knht: What was that about?
Zeek: Smile and nod. 
Mr. Knht: I try.

> 
> ***** Do-Gooders The Do-Gooders World 
> tour An Omake Serial 

zero: Omake Cereal: Made from 100% pure bran. Guaranteed to make you f--
(Others glare at Zerosum)
zero: --feel younger. (Notices the glares) What?
Mark: Never mind.

>This part by 
> Eslington. [Eslington@bigfoot.com] Part 
> Two: A spooky mansion in a foreign 
> country! What shall our heroines do? 

zero: (thoughtful) You know, that explains a lot about Kireiko and Matsuro.
Mr. Knht: Meet up with the Scoody-Doo gang?
Mark: Have a night of "fun"? (*Thwap*) OW!
Zeek: I knew Jonatan's hentainess was rubbing off on you. 

> *****
> 
> The Do-Gooders trudged up the winding 
> path towards the creepy gothic mansion 
> atop the large hill, some of them 
> carrying their instruments, all of them 
> arguing about matters such as luggage 
> handling and proper van driving. The 
> group stopped as they reached a large 
> cast iron gate. 

Mr. Knht: Ther are on the site of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer.


> Keiko had once seen the 
> gates of hell, and these looked 
> amazingly similar. 

Mark: [Keiko, valley girl] I swear, they must have had, like, the same tacky 
                           interior designer.

> Of course in hell 
> the gates had little blood red picket 
> fences on either side of them, rather 
> than tall brick walls topped with 
> spikes, but most of the details were 
> the same, even the little stone 
> gargoyles on the gate posts. One of the 
> posts had a doorbell intercom attached 
> to it, Ayame pressed the button 

Mark: ...and the bomb behind the gate exploded, killing off all the cast members 
      in one fell swoop.
Mr. Knht: Not huppning.
Mark: I can dream, can't I?
zero: o/~ To dream, the impossible dream...o/~

> to 
> attract the attention of the mansion's 
> occupants. "Good evening, can I help 
> you?" 

Zeek: NONO! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!

> Said a voice with a distinct 
> British accent. "Yes oh occupant of 
> this grand house, 

zero: [Ayame] ...we're here for the [NOOKIE].
Zeek: That's what the N stands for after all.

>we require assistance 
> in our mission of spreading delight 
> across the world as our method of 
> transportation has tragically been 
> rendered inoperative and we humbly 
> request that you offer us a roof over 
> our heads, four walls around us and 
> possibly a method of telecommunication 
> to the nearest automotive repair and 
> modification centre." Answered Ayame. 

> "Very good Miss, 

Zeek: (deadpan voice) And would you like fries with that?

> may I simply ask that 
> you put that in slightly less verbose 
> terms?" Matsuro pushed Ayame lightly 
> aside. "Our van's broken down, can we 
> stay here tonight and call a garage?" 
> "Yes, good sir. If you'd just wait a 
> second..." There was a click and the 
> gate swung open with an agonised 
> squeak. The Do-Gooders looked at each 
> other, shrugged and walked in.

Mr. Knht: Into Dr. Forrester's summer home. 

> 
> *
> 
> Beneath the Mansion, someone lurked, or 
> more accurately, 

zero: Dozed.
Zeek: Loafed.
Knht: Be bord.

> fiddled with 
> scientific equipment 

Zeek: Yea, whatever.

> whilst lurking. An 
> intercom panel buzzed on the wall. The 
> scientist rushed over to it and stabbed 
> at the "answer" button. "Yes, what is 
> it?" "Master, visitors have arrived." 
> "Excellent, that small cute thing I 
> trained to jump in front of cars is 
> working like a charm." 

Zeek: [servant] Actually, sir, it was the big ugly thing you trained to bite 
                tires.
zero: Oh.
Zeek: [servant] But i'm getting sidetracked...

> "Actually sir, I 
> chose to notify you because the gate 
> sensors indicate the presence of 
> powerful magic within our female 
> guests." 

Mark: [servant] They might be able to liven up our tea party with some tricks!
zero: Last I checked, Matsuro carried a magical sword around in his stomach. Is 
      that not inside enough?

>The man grinned as he heard 
> the news. 

Mark: [Man] The Lakers won? Wheee!

> "My day just gets better... 
> Bring one of them to me, so I may study 
> her 

Zeek: (coughs) Ahem... (looks around) Oh yeah, forgot that Jonatan's not here.
Mark: You're a bit edgy, aren't you?

> energies." The man turned off the 
> intercom and strode away, cackling 
> evilly.

Mark: I lost track of who said what.
Zeek: Ditto.
Mr. Knht: My head hurts.
zero: (twitching) ...format the paragraphs...format...format...

> 
> *

Mr. Knht: Isn't that the grade for the new X-Men outside?
Zerosum: Issues?
Mr. Knht: Nah, I like DC Comics better. 
Mark: You get comic books in the Fifth Dimension?

> 
> The entrance hall of the mansion was, 
> of course, 

zero: Bloodsoaked.

> extravagant. The dark oak 
> floor was covered in part by strips of 

zero: Human flesh.
Mark: (turns to zerosum) I wonder where you got your interior design senses.


> crimson carpeting. The furnishings were 
> made of the finest Mahogany and on the 
> walls were pictures of people who, by 
> the look of them, were 

zero: In more agony than -we- currently are.

> all related to 
> each other. 

Mark: They all had three eyes.

> Clearly this was a house 
> that belonged to a family of 
> aristocratic breeding. 

Zeek: [Narrator] Or a mad scientist, go figure.

> "Hmm..." Hmmed 
> Aki. "Looks like the owner of this 
> house is a family of aristocratic 
> breeding." 

Mr. Knht: Perseptiv sa allway that gilr.
zero: (looks at author) Hey! That was a perfectly good riff you stole!  
(collapses under a large weight dropped from the ceiling) ...owie...
Evil Kate: Watch the fourth wall, gothboy.

> From one of the room's many 
> entrances, a butler walked in and stood 
> before the band. Th butler's employer 
> had clearly spent a lot of time 
> searching for a classic English butler. 

Mark: He was forced to settle for Plage, however.

> If any of the band had ever read any of 
> P.G. Wodehouse's books, they would have 
> found this man unusually familiar,

Zeek: Yea... Grey Archive... (shudder)

> but none of them had, so this was a moot 
> point.

Mr. Knht: I rather had some put a a point in your head, E. 
Echo: (over the loud space) Take this! FIRE 5!
(Mr.Knht gets burned.)
Kate: I think he was referring to the author, actually. ^^;

> "Good evening. May I take your 
> coats?" "We aren't wearing coats." 
> noted Tejina. "Then I shall not take 
> them. May I have your names instead?" 

Mark: [Tejina] Why? What will you do with them?
Zeek: [Plage] I've always wanted a Japanese name for my collection.

> The group introduced themselves, though 
> this dialogue was removed to prevent 
> unnecessary typing. 

Mark: That could be read as "the author didn't feel like it."

> "And I am Plage, 
> humble servant to this house, the manor 
> of Wallingfourthshire."

All: Gesundheit!

> "That sounds 
> like somewhere in England." Noted 
> Keiko. "It is, the master of the house 
> had it moved 

Mark: [Plage] You wouldn't believe how hard it was to move this castle brick by 
              brick. Oy.

> after the local coal 
> mining industry collapsed. I regret to 
> inform you that our phone lines have 
> been blown down in the storm. 

zero: [Plage] The fact that we have no phones is also a problem.

> I would 
> give you a grand tour of the house but

Zeek: [Plage] You'll have to wait for the first group to finish and exit before 
              we can start.

> it's late, and you are probably in 
> greater need of some rest. I shall 
> escort you all to your rooms. The 
> master of the house is busy in the wine 
> cellar and 

zero: [Plage]...can't interrupt his blood sacrifice, but he'll see you...later.

> does not wish to be 
> disturbed but he assures me he shall 
> see you in the morning." With that, 
> Plage walked silently out of the room, 
> followed by a slightly confused but 
> grateful group of teens.

Mark: [Bugs Bunny] What a maroon. So naive.

> *
> 
> Tejina pushed open the door to the 
> first guest room. It was simply 
> furnished with an empty chest of 
> drawers and two small brass-frame beds, 
> each in a southern corner. Hanaki 
> walked in around her and collapsed onto 
> a bed. 

Mark: [Tejina] Oh, great! It's going to take an hour to fix her again.

> Tejina closed the door and sat 
> down on the other bed. "I'm so 
> tired..." Began Hanaki. "I could fall 
> asleep in these sodden clothes." "Looks 
> like that's the only option." "What?" 
> "You left the rest of the clothes in 
> the van didn't you? "No." "Han..." 
> "Well yes, but I'm sure you said it was 
> Kireiko's job to bring them." Tejina 
> sighed. She was tired too and despite 
> her mission for truth, justice and 
> concert fees, arguing over the truth 
> with her sister could wait until next 
> morning. Removing enough clothing to 
> sleep comfortably,

(Mark moves a bit closer to the screen.)

> but leaving enough 
> to maintain the PG rating,

(Mark moves back to his seat.)
Mark: Dang.
Zeek: Mark, you really have to stop hanging around Jonatan. You're weirding me 
      out.
zero: There, there, Mark. Have faith. Someday (strikes a pose) there -will- be 
      Do-Gooders lemons!

> Hanaki and 
> Tejina settled down to sleep.
> 
> *

Zerosum: [Confused traveler] It's the North Star! We're in the South! Whee!

> Ayame had fallen asleep as soon as she 
> got onto the bed and would have slept 
> in a very uncomfortable position if 
> Becky hadn't turned her over so she 
> wasn't sleeping on her elbow. 

Zeek: So she's sleeping on her other more confortable elbow.

> Becky had 
> tried to get to sleep, but she had 
> discovered the horrible and terrible 
> and horrible secret about Ayame that 
> Tejina and Hanaki had hidden from the 
> rest of the world... 

Zeek: Ayame's a guy.
Mark: (shudders) Sheesh, "Ace Ventura" flashbacks.

>"...nnnmmnnnn HA! 
> I shall not allow you to nullify the 
> Emblem! On behalf of the fourth wall 
> you're punished! Mmmm...."

Mr. Knht: Who... broke... the... fourth... wall... again?

> Ayame 
> exposited in her sleep. Just great. And 
> to make it worse the voices in her head 
> were arguing again. [Sailor Rapture 
> must continue in her quest to spread 
> her joyous music across the world!] 
> [Agent B-A3 must fulfil the objectives 
> set by her parents. If she does not 
> check the locations for anomalous 
> occurrences then the free world may be 
> in grave danger, as her parents 
> ordered, she must fulfil this mission 
> with the aid of her associates within 
> the two weeks allotted. 

Mark: She went to the U.S. to check for any threats against the well-being of 
      the United States of America?
Zeek: Mark, remember?
Mark: Oh, yeah, just smile and nod. (Smiles and nods)

> Besides you got 
> those bass lessons off me.] 
> [Irrelevant! Without the power of her 
> music the world shall never know the 
> possible rapture that awaits it.] [The 
> wellbeing of the United States of 
> America and the Earth outweighs your 
> concerns.] [Does not.] [Does.] [Does 
> not.] [Does.] [Can you two keep it 
> down? I'm trying to get some sleep!] 

Zeek: [Shut up, we aren't talking to YOU!]

> Thought Becky. [Sorry] Thought her 
> personalities. Becky settled down into 
> bed and closed her eyes and drifted 
> off... [Does.] [Does not.] Becky sighed 
> and spent the night arguing with her 
> personalities.

zero: Okay, I've figured it out. The author is Ayame.

> *
> 
> Much to Keiko's disappointment, the 
> beds in the guestroom were large enough 
> to accommodate one comfortably, but 
> small enough to prevent any bed 
> sharing. 

Mark: And the author masterfully sidesteps a potential lemon scene. 
zero and Mark: Yay.

> When she had complained about 
> this to Matsuro, he had just shrugged 
> and slipped into bed, he hadn't even 
> bothered to undress. 

Mark: Does everyone have to undress before going to bed?
Zerosum: Maybe the author thinks so.

> Keiko lay awake in 
> bed, cursing that fatigue resistance 
> spell she had cast on herself six hours 
> ago, in the hope that she would be able 
> to 

zero: [narrator] ...occupy herself with Matsuro.

> drive for a while. Keiko looked over 
> at Matsuro. He was kinda cute when he 
> was sleeping. That little ingrained 
> expression of annoyance on his 
> otherwise still body... She got out of 
> bed, pulled up a small chair and sat by 
> his bed. She didn't want to close her 
> eyes; she didn't want to fall asleep

Mark: Leno was on.

> (She knew she'd find that difficult 
> anyway) because she'd miss him. And she 
> didn't want to miss a thing. 

zero: (rolls his eyes) That was a lot funnier last time he did it.
Mark: You know, I just realized this was stolen from a song.
Zeek: Which one?
Mark: o/~ Don't wanna close my eyes, don't wanna fall asleep, cause I'll miss 
      you, baby and I don't wanna miss a thing. o/~
Zeek: Those weren't accurate lyrics.
Mark: (shrugs) So sue me.
zero: [Steve Tyler] Your soul is mine, copyright infringer!

> It 
> occurred to her that some might regard 
> this as either very sweet, or mildly 
> disturbing. 

zero: Not really. I mean, it's pretty natural to stare at your loved one all 
night like some paranoid stalker.

> But she was all right with 
> that, she felt both descriptions suited 
> her well.
> 
> *

Mark: [Educational show host] ...Halley's Comet can only be seen once every 
                             70... er, 71, ...er, 76! Yeah, that's it. 76 years.

> Aki settled down in her bed, smoothing 
> the sheets out over her body. 

Mark: Giving the fanboys a glimpse of how form-fitting a bedsheet can be.

> The bed 
> was so comfortable that sleep was so 
> easy... Aki sighed, a small smile of 
> comfort on her face with the expression 
> that come from one who has an instinct 
> for this sort of situation and just 
> knows the snag was about to turn up. 
> There was a thump as Kireiko turned 
> over,

Mark: Wouldn't it have been more logical for Matsuro and Kireiko to be roomies? 
      And Aki and Keiko to share the room?
Zeek: How else would the author set up Matsuro and Keiko?
Mark: Point.

> and then a noise akin to that 
> thing some really evil people 
> occasionally do with their nails and 
> blackboards, as the half oni's claws 
> dragged down the wall, leaving gashes 
> in the wall paper. 

Mark: [Public service announcer] Has your oni been declawed yet? If not, send 
                                 him to your nearest vet. Because a declawed oni 
                                 is a happy oni.

> Aki looked over, her 
> face contorted in pain. She didn't 
> trust those tentacles to keep 
> themselves to themselves either. Aki 
> groaned, gathered up her bedclothes and 
> went downstairs to sleep on the antique 
> Georgian sofa-bed.

Mr. Knht: Wait into Mrs. B hears about this?
Rest: Huh, what you talking about Thinker?
Mr. Knht: Well, Mrs. Georgain B is a famous MiSTie.
Evil Kate: Well, you guys stop breaking the four way! BOLT 6! Eat that, little 
           miss goody two-shoes!
Kate: Uhhh... no thanks. ^^;
Zeek: CAN YOU TWO SHUT UP? WE ARE TRYING TO STAY SANE, OR SHOULD I SAY INSANE, 
      HERE! AND YOU WITH YOUR OVERPOWERED SPELLS... don't make me come up there.

> *

Mark: [Siskel] You're being too generous giving this fic that grade.

> In the basement, the intercom buzzed 
> again. Fortunately, the villainous 
> figure was walking next to it so there 
> was no rush to answer. "Yes?" "Our 
> guests have retired to their rooms. 
> Evidence shows that all of the females 
> are charged with 

zero: ...raw sexual energy.

magical energy, one 
> even shows evidence of a sorceress' 
> skills." "Excellent." 

Mark: [Mr. Burns] Smithers! Release the hounds!

>The shadowy man 
> flicked on four of his security 
> monitors grinning; he pressed buttons 
> five and seven on a small eight-button 
> array by his side. "I shall dispose of 
> the two males with my patented 
> Deathbeds(tm),

Mr. Knht: It is me or this guy nutter then Dr. Forrester?

> and the you 

Mark: [Shadowy man] and the me are going to have a the party! Mwehehehe.
(Others stare at him. Zeek shakes Mark's shoulders.)
Zeek: Snap out of it, man! You're losing it!

>shall bring 
> one of the girls to me for analysis." 

zero: [shadowy man] Yes, that's what I'll call it. "Analysis", hehehe. (Rubs 
                    hands with glee.)
Zeek: May I commit seppuku now?
zero: There is no escape, mortal.

> "Very good master, will there be 
> anything else?" 

Mark: [Master] Do you have those pink drinks with the cute little umbrellas?

>"That will be all." The 
> mad scientist turned off the intercom 
> and turned to the massive machine in 
> the centre of his lab. "Soon...

Zeek: The cappuchino will be complete!

> The 
> government will bow to may demands and 
> I shall have enough money to retire 
> from Mad Science! BWA-HAHAHAHA!" 

Mr. Knht: He died from laughing too much. 
zero: (blink) This... is actually a clever goal. I'm a little impressed.

> Laughed the scientist, rubbing his 
> hands in glee.
> 
> *
> 
> ***************

Zeek: Looks like the author is increasing the stars in this one.
Mark: Probably hoping the added star power would uplift the fic.
Mr. Knht: o/~ Tiwndle winkel lit stars. o/~

>*** *COMMERCIAL BREAK* 
> ******************


Mr. Knht: What happen here? Likes the highway got borken again. 


> Tired of eating the same old 

Mark: Shoe?
zero: Semper non sequitur!

>breakfast? 
> Well why not try new Jusenky-os? Simply 
> add cold milk and these delicious 
> breakfast treats become all kinds of 
> morning delights! "That is bowl of 
> drowned sugar coated cornflakes! Very 
> tragic legend of sugar frosted 
> cornflakes that drowned there two 
> thousand years ago..."

Zeek: Why would anyone eat from a two thousand year old bowl?
zero: [Guide] Ah, that is also very tragic story.

> "*Gasp* Not bowl 
> of drowned chocolate flavoured cereal 
> Os!" "Ah, you dine from bowl of drowned 
> puffed rice." Breakfast time will never 
> be the same! 

Mark: Especially when you have the Jusenkyo guide over everytime you eat.

> Warning: Do not ingest 
> cereal, may result in annoying but 
> amusing curse. 

Mr. Knht: Lik addtionl arvs.

> "Oh no! Not bowl of 
> drowned toast!"

Mark: (Facepalms) Egads.
Zeek: (pats Mark on shoulder) Take heart. We're on the downhill side.

> *

zero: Someone poked the cyclops' eye out.
Zeek: And now BACK TO THE SHOW... (facepalms) I didn't get paid enough for 
      saying that.

> As the night wore on, the Do-Gooders 
> and their travelling companions 
> dreamed... 

zero: ...that they were actually a band with talent.

> well, most of them did 
> anyway.

Mark: That's because they're still up making wild hot--
Zeek: Mark! (Starts to unsheathe his sword.)
Mark: --pancakes for a midnight snack. What?
Zeek: (Finishes unsheathing his sword and points it at Mark) You say waffle, you 
                                                             die!

> *
> 
> Tejina opened her eyes. She was on a 
> stage, but not any like she had ever 
> performed on.

zero: This one was missing the firepole.

The stage was carpeted 
> red and had a small stairway in the 
> back. Tejina found herself walking up 
> these steps and then spinning around 

zero: And tripped on her dress.
Mark: (taps zero) I don't think that's possible with her Sailor Delight skirt.
zero: My mistake.

> to 
> face the audience. Tejina looked to 
> either side of her. About a dozen men 
> wearing 

Mark: ...spandex speedos...
Zeek: (looks at Mark and shakes his head.) I don't want to know.
zero: (looks at Mark and grins) I like you.
Mark: (deadpan) Sorry, I'm not into that sort of thing. (zero mallets him.) Ow!! 
                >_<

> tuxedoes walked in from the 
> sides of he stage, their eyes focused 
> on her. She began to sing, for no 
> apparent reason. 

Mark: Other than the author said so.
Mr. Knht: Some authors just like that, so I hear.

> "Some boys kiss me, 
> some boys hug me, I think they're 
> OK..."

Mark: (Groucho-esque leer) I like a girl who knows what she likes.

> She continued singing as the men 
> danced around her, all of them showing 
> off expensive watches and rings. 

Mr. Knht: [Tux-man] Rolex, lady want one?

> To her mild surprise, she began stealing these 
> items from right out of their hands and 
> pushing the men away. [I must be 
> dreaming] She thought accurately [But 
> what is it symbolic of?] 

Zeek: Subconsciously, she wants to be a thief. Go figure.
Mark: Must have been from watching all those episodes of Saint Tail.

>The song 
> rolled to a close, the audience 
> applauded and cheered, and the back of 
> the stage lifted up again. The familiar 
> face of Villyn grinned at her from 
> behind a podium. 

zero: ~/o The disembodied, floating head of Villyn started yelling ~/o

"Our contestant has 
> successfully completed the challenge 
> from THE WHEEL OF HUMILIATION!" "Huh? 
> What? AGH!" The agh came as Tejina 
> looked down and realised that her 
> costume was 

Mark: ...nonexistent.
zero: ...transparent.
Zeek: <THWACK!!>
Mark and zero: ...owie...

totally unsuited to the 
> routine she had just done. For one 
> thing, it featured cones as a major 
> part of its design.

Zeek: NOT A DAMN WORD.
Mark: Huh?
zero: We weren't gonna say...

> [Oh right, just 
> this dream again.] She thought with a 
> small measure of relief. "Now, Tejina, 
> will you claim your prize or SPIN THE 
> WHEEL?" Tejina paused at this. "I'll 
> take my prize."

Zeek: Nothing is in the box! You stupid! You so stupid!

> Tejina's answer was met 
> with the sort of silence that would 
> have normally been impossible without a 
> complete vacuum. 

(Mr. Knht laughs really hard.)
zero: I think he's got some issues.
Mr. Knht: It's call a scence of humor. Just smile and nod.


> The armoured host 
> shuffled his question cards. "Uh... 
> You're supposed to spin the wheel." 
> "No, I want to take my prize and go 
> home." The host formed a sweat drop on 
> his right temple. "Please? Spin the 
> wheel one more time." "Let me guess... 
> The really humiliating question or 
> challenge is next, isn't it?" "Well... 
> yes,

zero: [host] ...we were planning to have you do something involving Chippy, a 
             tub full of peanut butter, a Moogle, and three feet of dental 
             floss.

> but I assure you you'll get a good 
> prize." "No." "Aw, you're no fun any 
> more," whined the host.

Mark: [host] I'm telling mommy!

> "Well, just 
> take a seat in the audience then." 
> "Wait a minute, where's my prize?" 
> Asked Tejina. "What?" Asked the 
> slightly disappointed host. "Oh, right. 
> Bring it in lads!" Two muscular 
> stagehands brought in Tejina's prize. 
> She stared at it, amazed that her 
> subconscious could come up with 
> something THIS weird. 

Mark: [Tejina] Subconscious, you and I are going to have to talk...

> "Contestant 
> number 2, you've won... ENOUGH PEANUT 
> BUTTER TO FILL A BATHTUB!" 

Zeek: Great. The goth reads ahead.

> Tejina's jaw 
> dropped as far as it could go without 
> causing lasting injury. "Doesn't it 
> even come in jars?" 

Mark: [host] Well, in supermarkets, it does. But this is a *dream*, you see...

>"Nope." "But isn't 
> it a little unsanitary?" 

Mark: [host] Only if you eat it.

>"Hey, don't 
> knock it, you're getting a free bathtub 
> as well." Tejina sighed and walked 
> offstage, taking a seat next to a teen 
> who kept staring at her coniferous 
> costume, 

Zeek: Well, it's not like people regularly wear pine boughs on their dress.

>much to her annoyance. The 
> next contestant answered all the 
> questions, performed the same challenge 
> as Tejina and 

Mark: [Narrator] ... even performed a sword dance while reciting the Swahili 
                 national anthem backwards!
Others: Ooooo!!!

> won the star prize. 
> "...and tonight's star prize winner has 
> won... A DATE WITH KIZUNA FROM THE 
> BISHOUNEN BOYZ!" 

All: (Deadpan) Yey.

>All the fangirls in 
> the crowd cheered the handsome bassist 
> ran on stage and embraced the lucky 
> winner. "Aw hell." Said contestant 
> number 3, Richard, "and I wanted the 
> peanut butter..."

(zero opens his mouth, looks at Zeek, who is holding his mallet at the ready, 
and closes his mouth.)
Zeek: Better.
Mark: That one was too easy anyway.

> 
>*
> Hanaki's badly remembered dreams were 
> chaotic and strange. 

Mark: I wonder how the author would describe Matsuro's dreams...

> When asked about 
> it later, all she could remember was 
> that it involved her dancing on stage 
> and singing to a wild crowd, and then 
> her being seduced by a secret agent 
> with a really groovy looking car. She 
> had to admit, it was a bit silly.


Mr. Knht: She had a Austin Powers dream! NOOOOO! It's can't be ...but it is the 
          END OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!! 
zero: ~/o as we know it, but I feel fine. ~/o

> 
> *
> 

Zeek : And thus, the star is seen again...

> Ayame was dreaming of shopping, which 
> was a regular occurrence in her 
> nocturnal rest. Currently she was in an 
> electronic store, eyeing up a TV she 
> was pretty keen on, the one with the 
> 30-inch screen and full satellite 
> access to virtually every station on 
> the planet. 

Mr. Knht: I wonder it has Food Network?
Zeek: Why?
Mr. Knht: I liking "Iron Chef".
Zeek: So you're a cook?
zero: We got it all, we got it all on UHF.

> She stared in glee at one 
> of the music channels, which was 
> showing some teen-idol band dancing 
> about on stage. A passing store clerk 
> paused to take a look at the band and 
> then walked off muttering something 
> about them making money for absolutely 
> nothing. Ayame switched over to one of 
> the European channels. The station was 
> currently showing some sort of Sci-fi 
> program, which was quite funny, despite 
> the fact that it was being shown in a 
> completely different language. 
> Fortunately Sailor exposition's powers 
> lay in language, so this was not a 
> problem. "Herr Flibble tycker inte om 
> galna maenniskor, jag maoste tyvaerr 
> doeda er..." Said the cross dressing 
> hologram sinisterly, just before it was 
> interrupted by a sudden news flash. A 
> froody 

Mark: Ding! Obligatory Adams reference.

> looking reporter appeared, 
> holding a microphone in his hand which 
> had the letters YTV 

Mr. Knht: It just me or do you guys aslo had the funny feeling that author is 
          from Canda?
zero: England, I thought.

> written on it. 
> "Dude... you must go to Stockholm." 

Zeek: [Keanu] Whoa.

> "Why must I go to this great European 
> city?" Asked Ayame, even though a 
> simple "Eh?" would have sufficed. "Oops 
> sorry, wrong dreamer." The reporter 
> sighed. "Looks like the department of 
> mystical destinies has messed it up 
> again..." 

Mark: Bureaucracy's like that.

>"Why has this most excellent 
> television channel never been available 
> to me before, despite the fact the TV 
> in my home has over two thousand 
> channels? 

Mark: By gosh!
Zeek: What?
Mark: Think of their cable bills! Those guys must be rich!
zero: Or stealing cable.
Mark: Good point.
Mr. Knht: Wnder if they watc all of th chanvels? 

> The Nakaos even have the 
> Czechoslovakian arts and crafts 
> channel."

Zeek: I sincerely hope the author invented that.

> Exposited Ayame curiously. 
> "It's a private channel," explained the 
> European. "it's only available to one 
> specific person and he chooses the 
> programs for his own enjoyment. Ayame 
> paused while she considered this. 
> Though she would be the first to agree 
> that her talents were better suited to 
> radio (her agreement would probably 
> last until the final person agreed) she 
> was also pretty keen on television. 
> [All Ayame! All the time!]

zero: mmm...Ayame...yeah, that's the ticket. Have to give her a ball gag, 
      though.

>She thought 
> about the possibility of a 24-hour 
> Shakespeare marathon to watch at night. 
> "I desire one of the personal channels 
> for myself please!" Declared Ayame. 
> "Uh, sorry babe, you can't. 

Zeek: [reporter] You're not yet legal age.
Mark: Well, technically, she is.
Zeek: What?
Mark: She's actually around 40 years old in the Do-Gooders storyline, the mother 
      of Tejina and Hanaki, reduced to a teenage state after their encounter 
with some entities-- (Zeek and zerosum cover his mouth with their hands.)
zero: Oy, don't pull Ayame's schtick on us.
Mr. Knht: I agre.

> Now if 
> you'll excuse me I've got to get back 
> the Swedish branch of the DMD and 
> straighten this out." 

Mark: [reporter] TAXI!!! Oh, wait, forgot that I could teleport.

> "That is not fair 
> my Scandinavian friend! I want my... I 
> want my..." 

Zeek: MTV...

> Ayame was lost for a 
> station name, no amusing titles 
> presented themselves, so she settled 
> for the unoriginal option. "I want my 
> Ayame TV!" "It's only available to 
> people with mystical destinies who're 
> too dumb to listen to other stuff. And 
> I'm not a Scandinavian, I'm a 
> pan-dimensional demi-god from dimension 
> ZZ9 Plural Alpha!"

zero: ZZ9 Plural -Z- Alpha, you twit.
Mark: Ding!

> "Not so fast my 
> pan-dimensional demi-god from dimension 
> ZZ9 Plural Alpha-ian friend! 

Mark: Whoah! No pause. How does she do it?

> I'll get 
> that station if it kills you!" 

zero: Well I've got this big pain in the diodes down my side, if you could help 
      that....
Mark: Ding! Weak, but the count is now zerosum:1, Eslington:2.

> "Do you realise how much those things cost? 
> I'm gone." Said the reporter, turning and 
> walking into the background of the 
> picture.

(Upbeat jungle music starts playing.)
Mark: Watch out for that--
(Comedic crashing sound)
Mark: --tree. 

> *

Mark: ...
zero: What's wrong?
Mark: I ran out of star jokes. (stands up and powerposes) And there are still a 
      lot of them stars out there! (sighs as he sits down)
Zeek: (shakes head) You're really losing it.

> 
> Becky sat on the side of her bed, 
> looking over some note books she's 
> brought in her trench coat, 

Mr. Knht: The daughter of Dr. Forrester.
(The rest blink.)

> invoking Insomniac rule #214: The protagonist 
> doesn't need sleep if her friend is 
> talking loudly in her sleep and she has 
> a headache due to dual split 
> personalities. 

Mark: The author later received a notice from the Department of Redundancy 
      Department.
Mr. Knht: [Becky] Well, you guys stop argue-ing for I can get some sleep! 

> She was looking through 
> the notes she'd made on her mission. 
> The main gig locations were all points 
> of definite interest, 

Zeek: (unsheathes his sword) Jon, don't say a... Wait, he's not here. 
      (resheathes the blade and acts like nothing happened)

> either because of 
> strange goings on, evidence of large 
> energy surges or just general 
> weirdness. 

Mark: (grabs list) Hmm...Let's see those places. The White House, the electric 
                   plant, Graceland...
Zeek: (grabs list from Mark) ...Michael Jackson's home, Area 51, the girls' 
                             bathroom...
zero: Wonder if Indie Madnesse Studios is on that list?
Zeek: ...It is. (points at the list.)
Others: What?! (Looks at where Zeek is pointing.)
Zeek: Gotcha...
(Zeek is fried by Mr. Knht's new Zapdos.)
Mr. Knht: serves yo rihgt!
Zeek: I will get even...

> Some of the happenings may 
> just have been red herrings 

Mr. Knht: [Host of Think Fast] Good work, you got the RED HARRING OUT of YOU 
                               WAY!
zero: Now that's what I call super-obscure.

> but she still had to look at every single one 
> of the cases, just to be sure. Becky 
> sighed and thought back to BA-3's 
> training. 

Mark: [Becky's trainer] You know how to use this?
Zeek: [Becky] Sure! Pointy end goes through other man.
Mark: [Becky's trainer] Egads.

>T he memory of the academy had 
> mostly been erased, for 

zero: Only $2 at the local Brain Washer, Inc. near you! Get your brain clean 
      now!

> security 
> reasons, but one thing she could still 
> remember was the rather odd teamwork 
> training she had received. 

Mark: (smirks) Yeah, sure. "Teamwork." That's what they called it.

> The memory 
> of the choreography classes was 
> probably too funny to forget,

Zeek: ...especially her male instructor wearing a tutu.
Mark: (facepalms) That was an image I really didn't need.

> especially that one where they'd been 
> learning to "Slide" and one of the 
> captured aliens had joined in halfway 
> through.

zero: Ding! Musical reference. Two points.
Zeek: So the alien was the instructor?

> She smiled at the treasured 
> memory and looked back at the map. She 
> suddenly realised something that may be 
> of grave importance. 

Mr. Knht: [Becky] I'm ded?
Mark: [Becky] Oh my god! Oprah's on!
Zeek: [Becky] We have no money?!?
zero: [Becky] My dress, like, sooo clashes.
(Others look at zero.)
zero: What?

> She took out a 
> pencil and joined up the locations of 
> the incidents with lines. Finishing she 
> looked excitedly at the result. Yes, it 
> she squinted just a bit, it looked 
> like...

(zero's eyes roll back in his head)
zero: [Joseph] an Elder Sign! Come, O dark ones!
Mark: I was going to say something else, but I think it might be a good time to 
      move away from the goth.

> A map with a load of lines 
> drawn on it. 

Zeek: Unknown to Becky though, the meaning of those lines were very evil indeed.
Mark: What do they mean?
Zeek: I don't know precisely, but something very evil.

> Becky sighed and went back 
> to work on the mysterious incidents 
> across the world. 

Zeek: So does that mean she's helping solve them or perpetrating them?
Mark: [Cobra Commander] Honestly! Good help is so hard to find these days.

> "Come back here you 
> Scandinavian cheapskate!" Shouted 
> Ayame, for no obvious reason.
>
> *

Mr. Knht: This thing dresvers 80 thumbs down...
Mark: But then again, they couldn't get 40 people to actually read this.
Zeek: Yes they could.
Mark: HOW?
Zeek: Same way we got stuck with it.

> 
> Matsuro was dreaming of his apartment, 
> as it had been before the dwarves had 
> moved in, meaning it was 

Zeek: Still standing?
Mark: Formerly a mansion?

>small. 

Mark: (snaps fingers) Too far off.

> You 
> could swing a cat in it, but only if 
> your cat didn't mind having it's head 
> whacked off the walls a few times. 

zero: Ding! Adams references!
Zeek: Bring out your dead.
(the sound of a cat hitting a wall and rowling is heard)
Zeek: Bring out your dead.

> Matsuro ignored the cramped conditions 
> and turned his TV onto the news 
> channel, which was showing the weather 
> report. "-rising, and the barometer's 
> getting low and according to all 
> sources, the stree-" 

Mark: [Weatherman, rasping] Sorry, laryngitis acting up again. *hack*

> Matsuro turned off 
> the TV just then, as he had noticed 
> something 

Zeek: It took him a while to notice he was sitting on the TV.
zero: [Matsuro] No wonder my neck hurts when I watch. 

> much more interesting.

Mark: Keiko was standing in front of him, naked. (Ducks. Nothing happens. Turns 
      to Zeek.) No reaction?
Zeek: Nah, I just knew you were going to duck. (Bonks Mark's head with the hilt 
      of his sword.)
Mark: Owie! >_<

> A man 

Mark: Oy, yaoi alert.
Zeek: You wish.
Mark: No, I don't.

> had just fallen past his window. This 
> wouldn't have concerned Matsuro much 
> normally, as he knew that Mr Wasabi, 

Mr. Knht: Horseradish Man?
Mark: [Stan Lee] No, we're not running out of superhero names. Why do you ask?

> who lived on floor 25, had been a bit 
> depressed lately, and suicides were not 
> uncommon in today's high-pressure 
> society. 

Mark: It's nature's way of decreasing the world population.

>The fact that another man, 
> carrying an umbrella, had closely 
> followed him had bothered him enough 

Zeek: That was the mortician, does measurements, then opens umbrella and floats 
      safely down.
Mark: [Matsuro] Stupid inconsiderate people committing suicide while I watch TV. 
                Really!

> to 
> stand up and look out the window. 
> Covering Tokyo as far as he could see 
> was a large cloud, from which various 
> muscular and bishounen males were 
> falling, some of them carrying 
> umbrellas. 

Mark: I am seriously questioning Matsuro's subconscious now.
zero: Dr. Freud would agree with you on that.

> Down on the streets, a large 
> percentage of Tokyo's females were 
> rushing about, seeking the perfect man. 

zero: (groggily) Look, ladies. The perfect man is not going to be jumping off a 
                 building.

> Were it not for the fact that the lack 
> of a Vallhallic hall was a big enough 
> clue, 

Mark: [Velma] Jinkies!

> this would be the point where 
> Matsuro realised that this was a dream. 
> From his lucid dream experiences he 
> knew that he didn't have to worry about 
> injury or pain while dreaming, so 
> rather than taking the lift, he simply 
> opened the window and leapt out. 

Mark: [Matsuro] Beats taking the elevator everytime.

>As he 
> passed the fifteenth floor, it occurred 
> to him that as he did not normally have 
> dreams about showers of men 

Mark: [Matsuro's subconscious] How would you know? I could have been dreaming 
                               something in secret, you know?

> that this 
> dream may not follow the normal rules, 
> and hitting the ground may actually 
> hurt a bit.

All: Deep hurting! Deep hurting!!

> He flipped over as he fell 

(Mark raises a sign with the number 7.8.)
Zeek: You're too generous.

> and kicked himself off the wall of his 
> building, then, after punching out a 
> falling bishounen and nicking his 
> umbrella, he glided safely to the 
> ground. 

Mark: News flash: Mary Poppins is going to sue.

> "Whoo!" Cried one of the women. 
> "God bless Mother Nature!" "Yeah." 
> Agreed another. "She must be a single 
> woman too." Matsuro thought about this 
> for a second. 

Mark: That was probably the shortest time he brooded about anything.
Zeek: More like the longest.

> [So Earth's a bastard 
> child? That explains a lot...]

Mr. Knht: Confuse...about to explore! 
(There is a BOOM! as Mr. Knht explodes.)
Evil Kate: Oh, brother.
Kate: Look on the bright side.  Uhhh... never mind. ^^;
Evil Kate: (deadpans) Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha.
Mark: (looks at Mr. Knht's gooey remains.) I'm not going to clean that up.
Zeek: Gibbage...

> Strolling through the streets, 
> occasionally lightly fending off 
> suitors he slowly made progress to 
> Suzuhara Park, where he found his 
> mother dancing with four handsome men.
> "Mother. 

Mark: [Matsuro] That's not how you waltz.

> There had better be a good 
> explanation for this..." Akemi turned 
> around, still dancing, noticing her son 
> for the first time.

Zeek: [Matsuro's mom] *You're* my son? Then who's that guy I've been taking all 
                      the dreams to?

> "Hello son. Got me 
> any grandchildren yet?" 

Mark: [Matsuro] No, hospital said they were all out of babies.

> "Never mind 
> that, why am I dreaming this?" 

Mark: [Dr. Freud] Wouldn't you like to know?

> "Well, 
> as the dead don't sleep I need to use 
> your mind for dreams, hope you don't 
> mind." 

Zeek: [Matsuro, sarcastic] Me, mind? Pshaw, no. Sure, go ahead and mess up my 
                           sleep. I'll just layer some makeup on my eyebags. 
                           Sheesh.

> "Actually mother, I do. Could 
> you please stop this now so I can get 
> back to dreaming about 

Mark: [Matsuro]...the weather report?

> the end of the 
> world?" 

Mark: (shrugs) Close enough.

> Matsuro's dead mother shrugged. 
> "You can't stop me from doing this, as 
> part of the legacy I have a controlling 
> interest in your subconscious.

zero: [Matsuro's mom] That nice Villyn fellow helped me organize the hostile 
takeover.
Mark: [Matsuro] Isn't he supposed to be your husband?
Zeek: That's sticking a bit too much to canon.

> I'll 
> only be another six hours." Matsuro 
> would have shouted at her at this 
> point, were it not for his self-control 
> and his reasonable attitude.

Mark: [Matsuro] Must please the stockholders, must please the stockholders...

> [Since 
> this is my mind...] he thought [I must 
> have at least some control.] 

All: (sarcastic) Naw.

> Slowly, 
> the apocalypiticness

Zeek: Apoca...apolca...the -what-?
Mark: Say it with me: Apocalypiticness.
Zeek: What's it mean?
Mark: Hell if I know. It's probably misspelled too.

> of his dreams 
> returned, twisting the already twisted 
> reality to a more comfortably realistic 
> state. It was still raining men, but 
> much to Akemi's annoyance, they all 
> splattered into the ground gorily, as 
> real humans are wont

Mr. Knht: OUCH!
zero: (screaming) Blood! Blood and souls for m'lord Arioch!
(Others blink. They turn to Mr. Knht, who waves at them.)
Mark: I thought you exploded?
Mr. Knht: Tat is a secrett.
Zeek: He musta just imploded...

> to do. Within a 
> minute, the streets of Tokyo had 
> cleared

Mark: Unless I'm mistaken, the streets are in fact -filling-...God, that's 
disgusting.

> as even the most desperate of 
> single women ran inside. "Must you 
> always spoil my fun?" asked Akemi, 

Mark: [Matsuro] I'm your son. That's my job.

> annoyed. "Mother, either tell me 
> something useful or go away." Akemi 
> folded her arms. "Hmph. Well I do have 
> something important to tell you 

Zeek: [Matsuro's mom] You know these things called pants? You're supposed to 
                      wear them.
Mark: [Matsuro] All the time?
Zeek: [Matsuro's mom, nodding] All the time.
Mark: [Matsuro] Oh.

> but 
> since you're such a spoilsport I'm not 
> going to tell you."

Mr. Knht: So NYAAAH!

> Matsuro almost 
> sighed, but stopped himself in time. 
> "The dwarves are throwing a party at my 
> place, there'll be so much alcohol in 
> the area the air will probably catch 
> fire. 

Mark: [Matsuro, thinking] Oops, forgot to pay my fire insurance.

> Fun enough?" Akemi smiled 
> gleefully. "Right then. When you wake 
> up, be careful not to move, or you'll 
> be impaled by several hideously sharp 
> blades. It'll hurt. A lot. 

Mark: [Matsuro's mom] Trust me. I know this. Really. Honest. You believe your 
                      mom, right?

> Good bye." 

zero: You just had to tell him, didn't you? You went and ruined what would have 
      been the best scene in the story! (stands up) I'm not going to take this 
      sitting down anymore! You will [pay] for this, Akemi!
Zeek: (Pulls zero down) Sit down. It'll hurt more if you dwell on it.

> And with that she disappeared in a 
> small burst of miscellaneous horror 
> movie effects,

Mark: Look, it's General Akemite! (facepalms) Oy, another Sailormoon riff. I'm 
      really losing it!

> because Akemi thought it 
> looked quite nifty. Matsuro hopped 
> neatly to the left, avoiding an impact 
> with a similarly grim bishounen who hit 
> the ground with a sickening thud. 

Mr. Knht: (holding his hands over his eyes) Shouldn't I been watching this?

> He 
> brushed a piece of shattered tibia 

zero: Now that is attention to detail.

> off 
> his school uniform and tried to will 
> himself awake. In the end he gave up 
> and went to the little coffee shop 
> across the road.

Zeek: It was a Starbucks...go figure.

> *

Mark: Guess the letter and this prize is yours!

> Keiko didn't know how long she had been 
> watching Matsuro sleep, after all, she 
> was watching him and not the 18-century 
> carriage clock on the mantelpiece. 

Mark: [Narrator] Like, duh!

> Seeing that he was in a deep sleep, she 
> decided to risk stealing a kiss while 
> its owner slept. 

Mark: [Keiko] No witnesses. Hehehe.

> Leaning over, she 
> placed her lips on his and kissed. 

Mark: [Narrator] Cause that's, like, what you do when you press lips, right?

> At 
> this moment, Matsuro awoke, to find 
> this romantic theft in progress. This 
> would have normally caused him to 
> flinch, but every muscle in his body 
> remained still. That is, except for his 

(zero and Mark open their mouths.)
Zeek: C'mon, guys, we're trying to maintain our rating here.
zero: No problem.
Mark: It's not a muscle anyway.

> heart, which was racing at this 
> not-unpleasant surprise.

Mark: [Matsuro's heart] I'm going to win! I'm going to win! Damn you lungs! 
                        You're not going to pass me that easily!

> Keiko leaned 
> back to a seated position, and then she 
> noticed Matsuro had woken up and put 
> her fingertips to her lips, blushing 
> slightly. 

Zeek: [Keiko] Must act all naive and innocent, after all.

> [A kiss woke him...] 

Mark: That or maybe it was her breath?

> she 
> thought as a mild feeling of guilt was 
> suppressed by her aura of evil. [This 
> is like something out of a fairy 
> tale... Sleeping Bishounen perhaps?] 

(Mark facepalms.)

> Keiko giggled slightly at the thought. 
> Matsuro merely turned his eyes towards 
> her and spoke with a careful tone of 
> voice. "Keiko, do you know any 
> levitation spells?" Keiko regained her 
> composure at this odd question. "Er, 
> hai, but what do you need it for?" "I 
> need you to lift me off the bed, 
> slowly." "Why?" 

zero: [Matsuro] It's the prelude to-
Zeek: (swings his sword, which zero ducks) Watch it!
zero: -avoiding my gratuitous death. (To Zeek) I catch on slowly, but not that 
      slow. Swords are passe, anyway.

> "Keiko-chan, just do 
> it." Keiko nodded and stood up. 
> Whispering a few lines from a spell in 
> a tongue long forgotten by man and 
> beast alike, 

Mark: [Keiko] Urg, whickoo, wallawalladingdong.

> she raised her hands up 
> into the air and then slowly brought 
> then down with an expression of great 
> effort, as if miming shutting a 
> ludicrously over packed suitcase. 
> Matsuro floated up into the air until 
> he was full three metres above the 
> floor. Reaching out, he grabbed the 
> lighting attachment and pulled himself 
> into the air above the centre of the 
> room. Keiko stopped concentrating and 
> he swung gracefully down and landed on 
> his feet. Keiko looked up at him, her 
> face a little red from effort. "Why 
> couldn't you just get yourself out of 
> bed?" 

Mark: [Matsuro] I have this problem, you see...

> Matsuro didn't answer, at least 
> verbally. He brought a spare dime out 
> of his pocket and flicked it onto the 
> bed. As soon as the edge of the coin 
> touched down on the mattress, a 
> mechanism clicked and thousands of 
> razor sharp blades ripped through the 
> fabric of the bed, shredding it to 
> linen smithereens. 

Mark: There goes their safety deposit.

> The dime rolled out 
> the end, falling to the floor. Matsuro 
> picked it up. It would be nice to say 
> that the blades had mangled the coin 
> beyond recognition, but as it was only 
> a couple of centimetres wide and a few 
> millimetres thick it had escaped any 
> significant damage. 

Mark: Thank you for explaining that, Mr. Author, sir. We were afraid the coin 
      was hurt.

> Had our bishounen 
> hero been on the bed then he would have 
> been mangled beyond all recognition, 

zero: [Sana] Wai! Mangled!

> but as it was the only result was 10 
> cents that wouldn't fit into a vending 
> machine anymore. 

Mr. Knht: And if they wasn't enough problems just getting that stupid machine to 
          work!

> Matsuro flicked the 
> coin to Keiko, who looked mildly 
> shocked. "Such an evil twisted 
> device..." 

Zeek: And it can be yours today for ten cents.
Mark: [Keiko] I gotta get me one of these!

> she said to herself. "Wish 
> I'd thought of it." Matsuro grunted 
> slightly as he drew his sword from his 
> stomach. 

Mark: [Matsuro] Ugh, heartburn.

> "Let's go and check on the 
> others." Said Matsuro. Translated from 
> "Cool, moody bishounen style of 
> talking" into English, this means: 

Mark: "Let's go and check on the others."
Zeek: You being sarcastic there.
Mark: No, it was worth a shot.

> "Let 
> the mass destruction begin!"

Mr. Knht: Is that plot?
zero: It's what passes for it.
Zeek: No, that's gratuitous violence.

> *

(Mark takes out a book with the title "Cosmology made easy.)
Mark: Nope, not Sirius.
Zeek: (glares at Mark) That's a really bad pun.
Mark: ^_^

> Kireiko had fallen asleep quickly, 
> blissfully unaware of the hideous 
> contraption beneath his bed. As normal 
> he was dreaming of sexy women. 

Mr. Knht: of the Outer Scouts.
zero: That's Outer Senshi.
Mr. Knht: Would Knight be expectable?
zero: I'll think about that one. (secretly tries to get Mr. Knht's Game Boy but 
      he gets a gloved fist to his mouth. The fist pops out along with a
      brownish Pokemon, Hitmonchan.) 
Mr. Knht: Meet my Sercurity staff.
zero: He punches like Jackie Chan.
(Mr. Knht giggles.) 

> Unusually, his dreams lacked fast 
> motorcycles. [They'll probably turn up 
> later] he thought, though he was in no 
> real position to complain, what with 
> the fashion show. The various models 
> were all wearing outfits that were 
> designed to reveal a lot of flesh, look 
> hideously expensive, be hideously 
> expensive and to make the wearer look 
> rich, fashionable and, above all else, 
> silly. 

Zeek: Once you become a noble, all the brains ooze out your ears.  This proves 
      it.
Mark: [Robin Leach] Welcome, folks, to the Lifestyles of the Rich and Silly!

> The current model was wearing 
> something that looked like it had been 
> stolen from 

Mark: Naga the White Serpent's wardrobe...

> the set of a 50's B-Movie.

Mark: (Shrugs) Close enough.
Mr. Knht: Laserblast?
Zeek: War of the Worlds?
Voice Over speakers: No, Manos. 
Mr. Knht: That isn't one of Kates.
zero: No...it's...
Mark: Skrib.
Skrib (VO): Hiya! I'm trying to figure out how to get you guys out of here! 
Mr. Knht: Join us for some riffing of bad works. 
Skrib (VO): Hey, why not. ^_^

> The outfit's designer was either mad, 
> under the influence of hallucinogenics 
> or, as was more likely, taking the 
> piss. 

All except Skrib: Eew!!!
Skrib (VO): ...Um, I think the author meant that the said outfit's designer was 
            getting soused. 
Zeek: You mean he's drinking the piss? 
Skrib (VO): No, I meant the outfit's designer was imbibing alcohol. 
Mark: With the piss? 
Skrib (VO): (exasperated) The outfit designer drank alcohol, not urine. 
zero: Why didn't you say so? 
Skrib (VO): ...Never mind. 

> All this was lost on Kireiko, as 
> he was enjoying himself too much to 
> care. "Whoo! Such lovely design!"

zero: [Kireiko] And the outfits are great, too!

> He 
> shouted, focusing on every detail of 
> the model that was visible, except the 
> outfit. 

Mark: This is too easy for a hentai riff. Wonder how Jon's doing with this.
Zeek: I don't think I want to know.
Skrib (VO): Want me to find out? 
zero: We'll pass, thankyouverymuch.

> A new model stepped onto the 
> catwalk, and took Kireiko's breath 
> away. 

Zeek: Not worth singing...
Mark: [model] Neener, neener, neener.
zero: [Kireiko] At this point, my lungs were aching for air.

> The part about motor cycles had 
> come into play. The model was 
> undeniably attractive, but she was 

Mark: ...surprisingly...
Zeek: A brand new harley...

> wearing an outfit

Mark: ...in Kireiko's dream. (Pauses. Smiles.) Wow, Jon was right. All it took 
      was timing. 
zero: (claps politely)
Skrib (VO): ...*sigh*

> that had been beaten 
> out of parts of a motorcycle, and 
> repainted chrome red with yellow 
> flames. Kireiko was in love. He didn't 
> know what he wanted more, the girl or 
> the little red number.

zero: He -is- an idiot. What exactly is he going to do with a dress made out of 
      a motorcycle?

> [She's just too 
> funky for me...] he thought, silent and 
> grinning like an idiot.

Zeek: I wonder why.

> As the woman 
> reach the end of the catwalk, Kireiko's 
> head was turned 45 degrees to the right

Mark: [Kireiko] *Snap* Ouch, I think I twisted too hard.

> to observe the model meaning he was 
> able to notice something out of the 
> corner of his eye that alarmed him. Not 
> one to rearrange his priorities at the 
> drop of a hat, he waited for the model 
> in the motorcycle outfit to leave 
> before he turned and said "DAD!" The 
> oni grinned back at Kireiko. "Hello 
> Kireiko." His demonic father looked up 
> at the stage, where another badly 
> dressed female was strutting her stuff. 
> "So this is what you dream about then?" 

Zeek: [Kireiko's father] Wish I knew sooner...

> "What did you think I dreamt about?" 

Mark: [Kireiko's father] Umm, chickens?
Zeek: America?
zero: Matsuro?
Mr. Knht: Pokemon?

> He 
> responded, shrugging. "Television?" 
> "That's what I thought." He answered as 
> he got out a small set of brushes and 
> set to work cleaning his set of pipes.

Skrib: Isn't that what's blocking his mouth?

> Kireiko cast an eye back to the catwalk 
> and then began talking again. "So what 
> are you here about?" 

Mark: [Kireiko's father] Oh, about a minute. (Pauses. Slaps himself.)
      [Normal voice] Bad joke.
zero: [What'shername from Monty Python and the Holy Grail] Oh bad, wicked, evil, 
      -naughty- joke!

> "Nothing much 
> really. I heard you were on a world 
> tour and I thought I'd just give you 
> some words of advice. If you break down 
> somewhere in California then avoid 
> going into any creepy mansions you see. 

zero: [Kireiko, brightly] Gosh, thanks, dad.

> There's all sorts of crap in those 
> places that you do not want to know 
> about." "Uh dad, you might've told me 
> that earlier..." "Huh?" "I'm already in 
> some creepy Californian mansion. It's a 
> bit too late to tell me." The demon 
> thought about this and then shrugged 
> "Ah well. I suppose the only advice I 
> can give you is to try not to get 
> killed. 

Mark: [Kireiko's father] That'll be twenty-two thousand for the advice.
Zeek: [Kireiko's father>]Truly, I am a genius among oni.

> Now if you'll excuse me, 

Mark: [Kireiko] Why? (sniffs) Oh.

> got to go." And with that he vanished. 
> Kireiko turned his attention back to 
> the catwalk. The woman sitting next to 
> him noticed his stares at the current 
> model. "Would you like me to introduce 
> you?" Kireiko gawked at this offer 

Zeek: [Kireiko] Whoah, what a cute looking offer.

> and 
> wanted to remark how great she was for 
> making such an offer. "You're such a-" 
> Kireiko was mildly lost for words. 
> "You're such a-" 

Mark: Pimp?

> Nope, he just couldn't 
> sum up his gratitude.

Mark: (to fic) We knew that. What did he call her?

> "Is that what 
> your trying to tell me?" Asked the 
> woman. "YEAH! YEAH!" Shouted Kireiko, 
> attracting the attention of a few of 
> the fashion show's crowd. The woman 
> nodded towards the model. "Go 
> backstage, you can meet her there." 

Mark: [woman] You know... *nudge, nudge, wink, wink*
Zeek: Stop that!

> Kireiko tried to jump from his seat, 
> but for some reason he couldn't. 

zero: [Kireiko] Whoops, forgot the seatbelt.

> He 
> roared in rage as he realised his hand 
> was stuck in the chair. Why? Why could 
> he not move in this most essential of 
> hours? 

zero: Hopefully, it was rigor mortis.
Mark: Alas, it is not to be.

> Kireiko woke up. And found one 
> of his claws was jammed in the spring 
> mechanism of a hideous death-trap.

Mr. Knht: [dead on Skrib] BLOOD! BLOOD! MORE BLOOD!
Skrib (VO): sigh That would have been a perfect deathtrap for the Yamhead. 
Mr.Knht: You mean Chiba-Usagi/Rini/Sailor Chiba-Moon/Sailor Mini-Moon? 
zero: Who? 
Skrib (VO): Pick the girl with pink hair. 
Zeek: Mylene? 
Mark: Marin?
zero: Martina? 
Skrib (VO): ...I can't win. ;_;

> 
> *

Mark: o/~ Oh, can you see the star tonight? It is way up there! o/~
Zeek: I thought you ran out of star jokes?
Mark: I suddenly got inspired. ^_^

> Aki sighed in her sleep. The antique 
> Georgian sofa-bed was surprisingly 
> comfortable. She hadn't felt this 
> relaxed in months. 

Skrib (VO): Foreshadowing Alert! 
zero: Thank you, Captain Obvious.

> Away from the cares 
> she left in Japan. She felt an inner 

Mr. Knht: Scout.
zero: (to Knht) Senshi.
Skrib (VO): Why, Thinker, I didn't know you can riff hentai too. ^_^ 
Mr. Knht: I NO THINKER, SKIRG!

> peace that came from sleeping on a 
> comfortable bed thousands of miles from 
> the craziness that was her father and 
> quite a few metres away from the noise 
> that was Kireiko sleeping. She felt 
> like she was on some wonderful 
> spiritual sedation like... Aki's mind 
> searched for an idea...

Zeek: [Aki's mind] I knew I have one here somewhere. If only I used them ideas 
more often...

> Novocaine for 
> the soul 

Mark: Novocaine for the Soul: When the authors of "Chicken Soup for the Soul" 
      needed a new gimmick.
zero: Yay. It's another song tossed in for no particularly good reason.

> or something. She smiled 
> cutely in her sleep, she'd have to 
> mention this to Tejina, it'd be a good 
> title for a song. She breathed out, 
> relaxing. Unfortunately for Aki, he 
> feeling of Novocaine for the Soul was 
> suddenly replaced for Adrenaline for 
> the ancient survival instinct and then 
> Chloroform for the target magical girl.

Mark: [Author] Let's see: One damsel in distress. Aki's the logical choice. 
               Check.
Skrib (VO, exact W4) Aki is the daughter of Nemesis Serendipity Villyn, and the 
                     impro character that you all want to sleep with. You know 
                     it's true. (growling) I can read your mind, mortals. 
zero: (shudders) You do that too well.
Zeek: But you forgot the red eyes bit.

> *

Mark: [Dying alien] You seen my third eye around here somewhere? It popped out.

> Matsuro opened the door and stepped 
> inside, his boots making a dramatic 
> thumping noise as he stood in Tejina 
> and Hanaki's room. The synchronous 

zero: [Announcer] Synchronous. From the people that brought you Apocalypitical.

> sisters turned over and looked up at 
> the bishounen guy and then sat up, 

Zeek: A dramatic thumping noise, and everyone has'ta go see... geez.

> pulling the bedclothes up to cover 
> themselves. For most girls, having a 
> bishounen in your bedroom

Mark: ...causes you to pull the bedclothes -down-.

is usually a 
> good thing. But when he's also wielding 
> a sword, it's possibly a bad thing. 

Skrib (VO): Case in point: Sephiroth. 
Kate (VO): WAI! BISHONEN! 
Mark: [Matsuro] Ding-dong. Maniacal serial-killer bishounen at your service.

> As 
> this was Matsuro, things were middled 
> out at reasonably OK. "What do you 
> want?" Asked Tejina, 

Mark: [Matsuro, shrugging] Nookie. Isn't it obvious?
zero: [Matsuro, leering] I am here for the clones.

>through a mist of 
> post waking sleepiness but with an edge 
> that comes to the surprised. "Get out 
> of bed. Now." Commanded Matsuro. The 
> girls were on their feet a second 
> later. "What's this about?" asked 
> Hanaki. 

Mark: [Matsuro, embarrassed] I left my boxers around here last night.

>"Someone tried to kill me; we 
> may all be at risk." "What makes you 
> think someone tried to kill you?" After 
> giving them time to get dressed, 
> Matsuro showed them the evidence.

Zeek: Oy, no one comments on that one.
Skrib (VO): [Matsuro] I like to watch, don't mind me. 
Zeek: ...

> Keiko 
> led Ayame and Becky in. Becky stepped 
> up to the bed, ran her hand over the 
> side of one of he blades and put her 
> hand to her chin. "Hmm..." Hmmed the 
> Magic secret agent girl "It looks like 
> someone was trying to kill you."

zero: [Tejina] Becky? What level of schooling did you finish again?
Mark: [Becky] Elementary level, my dear Tejina.

> Everyone facefaulted. "No crap, 
> Cluseau." 

Mr. Knht: I wonder who would win the word for most stupid dective, Inscepter 
          Gadget or Lt. Cluseau?
(The others ponder this a moment.)
Zeek: Gadget.
Mark: If you meant the live-action one with Matthew Whatshisface, I agree with 
      you.

> Said Keiko. "Where's Kireiko 
> and Aki?" Asked Hanaki. 

Mark: Do I detect a hint of jealousy?
Skrib (VO): [Matsuro] Damn, oni-boy beat me to it. 
zero: [Keiko] Matsuro... >_< 
Mr. Knht: (exasperated) Guys...

> The group all 
> went into the last room. Where they 
> found Kireiko struggling with his bed. 
> "Hey! Help me outta this thing." Said 
> Kireiko. Becky stepped over and looked 
> down at Kireiko's trapped claw. "Hmm... 
> I think if I jam this thing we can get 
> you out." Becky took a quarter out of 
> her pocket and wedged it between two 
> cogs hidden in the mattress. 

Mark: And another coin suffered in this fic.
Zeek: Mr. Author, the philatelic society called. They're going to file a suit.

> "There, 
> now if we can just get you to transform 
> back you should be fine."
> 

Mark: [Kireiko] Could you girls help me out? 
Skrib (VO): [Keiko] No way! I'm still sore down there from the last time... 
                    oops. 
zero: (Matsuro) ...
Mr. Knht: (waves his Gameboy menacingly at the group) Stop taht or esle...

> *
> 
> Aki awoke to the sound of maniacal 
> laughter. 

Mark: [Aki] Dad? Is that you?

>This was quite normal for her 
> as she was normally woken up each 
> morning at 6:30 by her father's evil 
> overlord alarm clock. (Which he had 
> obtained by sending in the box tops 
> from fifty boxes of Asgard Crispies, 
> having given up on the swords of 
> duality project after the minions had 
> to be rushed to hospital after their 
> tenth bowl.) But this was a different 
> kind of evil laughter. "Aha ha ha 
> ha..." laughed the scientist quietly. 
> Aki recognised the type of laughter, 

Zeek: [Aki] Not him again...
zero: It was Evil Laugh #43, "I have an evil scheme to make myself rich."

> this laugh was the sort used by those 
> who had evil schemes to make themselves 
> rich.

Mark: Lucky guess.
zero: (shrugs) No, not really. I have a friend who helped categorize them.

She'd even heard Kireiko's dad 
> use it once. A breeze blew though the 
> room and Aki shivered. [That's odd. It 
> can't be that cold down here...] Aki 
> looked down, and regretted it. 

Skrib (VO): I'm not. h_h
Mr. Knht: Skirg no hentai. >_<

> Normally 
> when people look down and feel regret 
> it's because of vertiphobia.

zero: Fear of...French pigments?

Aki was 
> only a metre off the ground. What made 
> her feel regret was the fact that she 
> had been bound to a table by bands of 
> steel. What made it worse was the fact 
> that as her clothing was in a pile in 
> the corner, the bands of metal were the 
> only thing maintaining this fic's PG 
> rating. 

Mark, zero: Whoah! (Both stand up for a closer look.)
Mr. Knht: (covers his eyes) Oh, NOT IT CAN'T BE A LEMON. PLEASE NO LEMON. FOR 
          THE LOVE OF GOD! NO LEMONS! (Mr. Knht goes on and on.)
Skrib (VO): Welcome to the Perv Side, Lord Thinker. Enjoy your stay. ^_^
Mr. Knht: (still covering his eyes) ...baka, baka...
Zeek: Skrib, if you don't shut up right now, I'm going to have to introduce you 
to my sword...and put it between your 
breakfast and supper.


> [Well...] Thought Aki, trying 
> to be optimistic, as had been suggested 
> to her at group [...at least it covers 
> more than the old sailor Joy costume.] 

(All facepalm. Mark and zero look disappointed.)
Skrib (VO): But the principle! The principle! 

> Aki tried to move, but found that the 
> manacles made it impossible. She looked 
> down again and noticed that connected 
> to various points on her body were 
> strange electrodes that seemed to be 
> attached by some sort of energy field. 
> Aki turned her head and noticed a man 
> wearing a lab coat standing with his 
> back to her. "Hey! What do you think 
> you're doing?"

Mark: [Man] I'm about to sing the opera. What does it look like?

> *
> 

Skrib (VO): *Sigh* Out of star jokes. 
Zeek: And this star wasn't well liked... it has no friends... it's all alone...

> Becky examined the sofa-bed with a 
> magnifying glass. Something caught her 
> eye 

Mark: [Becky] Aha! Made in Taiwan.
zero: [Alien] Thanks! I couldn't find mine, so I'm just gonna use yours.

>and she picked it up with a pair of 
> tweezers. "It looks like a strand of 
> Aki's hair... At least, it's the same 
> colour as Aki's." 

zero: [Becky] ...pubic hair.
(Zeek suddenly slashes at zerosum several times, giving him a very impressive 
collection of wounds)
Skrib (VO): [Hanaki] How do you know, hmm? 
Mark: [Kireiko] Whoops. 

> Kireiko's looked up 
> from the bed, a puzzled expression on 
> his face. "Hey guys, can you smell 
> something?" The rest of the Do-Gooders 
> sniffed the air. 

Mark: [Tejina] Hmm, smells like cherries.
Zeek: Look! It's the Rock! And he's -cooking-!

> "Now that you mention 
> it..." Began Tejina, "There is a 
> faint-" "-aroma of chloroform in the 
> air." Finished Hanaki. "Well, I think 
> this indicates that someone, most 
> likely our host, has kidnapped Aki" 
> Concluded Becky. "Uh, actually I meant 
> that smell of alcohol from over there."

Zeek: And lo, everyone's mind is diverted.

> As one, the Do-Gooders turned to look 
> at the corner, there, hidden behind a 
> waste paper basket, was a small cute 
> (If a bit mangy) black cat. "Daisy?" 
> asked Tejina. "Ratsh, spotted." Cursed 
> Daisy, staggering out from behind the 
> basket. "What are you doing here?" 
> Asked Hanaki. "Well me and the other 
> advishors were wondering where you 
> were, so we deshided to sherch for you. 
> And now that I've found you I'd better 
> tell the othersh you're here." Tejina 
> thought about this for a moment, the 
> extra food they'd need to buy, the 
> lectures on the crystal city and the 
> inevitable arguments with customs, and 
> wanted none of it. "Daisy, we'd prefer 
> it if you didn't tell the other 
> advisors about this." "Why shouldn't 
> I?" "Well... If you go now then 
> there'll be no one to open that drinks 
> cabinet over there." "Get outta my 
> way." Screeched the cat as it dashed 
> over to the cabinet. Tejina spoke. 
> "Right, now we've got to find Aki. We'd 
> better split up." "Why?" asked Becky. 
> "To do the search quicker of course." 
> "Wait a minute, you want us to split up 
> and go running around this spooky 
> house?" "Well, yes." "Don't they say 
> there's strength in numbers? 

Mark: That's not true. I once tried to beat up a guy with my Algebra book. 
      Didn't work.
Zeek: Maybe you should have used a Cost Accounting book.
Skrib (VO): Nahh... nothing beats the good ol' book of Calc. 
Calculus (VO): I will have no part with this MiST. 
(Stunned silence.) 
zero: Great going, Skrib. You've just called up an Impro admin. 
Skrib (VO): Sorry. 
Zeek: Now did anyone understand that thing without spaces?

> "Yeah, so 
> if we split up we'll have two numbers 
> rather than one."

Zeek: I believe that was supposed to make sense. I believe that it failed.

> Becky shrugged. "Very 
> well then." "Right, Keiko, Hanaki and 
> Matsuro can come with me and Kireiko, 
> Becky and Daisy can go with Ayame. 
> We'll go and look in the study." "Why, 
> what's in the study?" 

Mark: [Tejina] Colonel Mustard with a candlestick.

> asked Hanaki. 
> "Well, in all the mystery movies I've 
> ever seen, there's always been clues in 
> the study... and the conservatory for 
> some reason." Said Tejina, neatly 
> skipping the bit about having only ever 
> seen one mystery movie. 

Mark: And the fact that she never played Clue-do.

> Ayame smiled 
> and took a deep breath, Tejina's team 
> took this opportunity to make a quick 
> exit. "It's time to smite these evil 
> do-ers!" she declared. "With a capital 
> S!" 

Skrib (VO): We have secretly replaced Tejina with Amelia. Let's see if the rest 
of the cast notices. 

> All those present sweatdropped, 
> except Daisy, who was onto her fourth 
> bottle of finely aged port.

Skrib (VO): I guess they did. 
Mark: [Sailor] Hard to port! Hard to port!
Mr. Knht: Look! The door is opening.
Zeek: I'm gone. (leaves)
Mark: Thanks, Skrib. 
Skrib (VO): It wasn't me.
Mr.Knht: Either way. This is a good sign.
Evil Kate: GET OUT OF THERE, YOU SPOONY BARDS!
Mr. Knht: Or I could be wrong. 
(Everyone leaves.)
Skrib (VO): Hmm... Maybe I can try to patch into the main computer system of the 
            Theater...
 




*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

A very dejected group of riffers sat in the lobby of the Theater of Pain.

"You know, this is almost, almost getting to me," zerosum admitted.

"How much more of this can there possibly be?!" Zeek cried in exasperation.

"And what exactly is going on?" Mark whined. "I mean, I know Twoflower 
introduced these guys, but are they out of character or something?" 

"Yeah," NeoVid said, "this used to be one of my favorite omakes, but now..."

A couple of the group stared at him blankly. "You liked these? You're a loon," 
Zeek commented.

"Well, duuuh," NeoVid replied.

"There's not much more, I think," said Jonatan. "By the way... has anybody seen 
Skrib? I heard him back there."

"Maybe he can get us out," Scott suggested hopefully.

Mark shook his head. "No. This is Skribulous we're talking about here. His 
hacking skills are... well, 'nonexistant' would probably be an improvement."

The group sweatdropped.

"I heard that," said a booming voice from the overhead speakers. "Watch this!"

One of the smaller side monitors lit up. A grinning dragon appeared.

"Maybe you were wrong, Mark," NeoVid answered.

"Maybe," Mark reluctantly admitted.

The monitor popped, flipping Skribulous' image upside-down for a moment.

"Or maybe not," NeoVid said as Mark facepalmed.

"I know every gets 15 mintunes, but this takes the cakes, Skig," said Mr. Knht.

"It's Skrib, not Skig," replied Skrib. "You know, you can deny it all that you 
want, but I have noticed you act a LOT like Doc Thinker." 

"How long did that take you?" R. Jak mumbled, leaning against the concession 
stand.

"LIE!" Mr. Knht cried angrily. "I NEVER BE INSULTED IN LIFE! I NOT..."

"My, soot does cling to pots and kettles equally," Skrib remarked, his grin 
growing wider by the moment. 

"Mr. Knht, you've seemed a little touchy whenever we bring that subject up," Jon 
replied, a bit cynical. "Are you just being evasive?"

"Well, I..."

"IT DOESN'T THE HELL MATTER WHETHER YOU'RE EVASIVE OR NOT!" 

"GODDAMMIT, YES IT DOES!" R. Jak replied angrily. He then gave a start. 

"You're sounding a bit too familiar," Zeek said. "But that still doesn't prove 
Jester boy ain't Thinker."

Suddenly, a loud voice came from one of the intercom speakers. "I'M ISN'T HIM!" 
it stated in Bad English.


The entire assembly, save Mr. Knht, blinked.

"Is that really who I think it is?" asked zerosum.

"Well, it ain't Miguel of Fat Chicks in Party Hats," R. Jak groaned.

"Oh, great, there's two of them now," Scott sarcastically grumbled. "Tell me 
when Dios decides to initiate The End Of The World, Jon." 

"Nah," Skrib interjected. "The Apocalypse would come by when Mark finishes his part of CW." 

"HEY!" Mark glared at the upside-down screen. 

"Dr. Thinker," replied Mr. Knht. "Wht's up?" 

"Oh, another much, just want to how you and your friends aren getting along," 
Thinker answered.

"Not bad." replied Mr. Knht. "Though Mark stolen by Game Boy."

"That's becuase of that mess you made with your Zapdos," Mark answered. 

"That's because Do-Gooder is so bad, it's funny." replied Mr. Knht.

NeoVid tried not to look brain-dead. "Yeah... it's funny. Eheh."

Zeek stared "You supposed to be dead!!"

Dr. Thinker declared "Remember that day when Odin was used on John,  disguesed as Bill Gate, 
I followed them to the factory. I overheard that Kate need to make appointment to restore John. 
Later that night, as myself, I went there and pay the nice watchman to make clones of me and Daine."

"I feel like Superman comic featuring Bizzaro." stated Scott. 

"Nice one." stated John. 

"Well, awywhi, W4 ask me to stop at Mad Store, Inc." stated Dr. Thinker. "They 
were having a sell on lights. So I made a movie/fan-fiction light."

Suddenly, two robots appeared in the lobby, carrying a small box. They walked up 
to a spot between the doors, pulled an odd-looking lightbulb out of the box, 
attached it to the wall, and vanished. 

"Okay," NeoVid observed. "First Skrib, then Thinker, and now Thinker's bots. Can 
everybody in the entire multiverse except us get in and out of here at will?!"

"Techically, I'm not in the Theater of Pain, Neo," Skrib clarified. "But since 
you're the One, that hurdle shouldn't be too hard to overcome, right? Just 
remember to free your mind. ^_^" 

"Ooh, I'll remember that," NeoVid glared. 

"And can they bring us some beer?" Jon asked. Almost immediately, one of the 
robots reappeared and brought Jonatan a six pack of Miller Light. The group blinked.

"Whoah," NeoVid muttered.

"Hey, can that thing bring in some Cheetos?" Scott asked. The robot produced a 
large bag and handed it to Scott.

"Any rootbeer?" Mark inquired. One of the robots opens a hatch on its back and 
hands him a six-pack of Barq's.

"How about getting us out of here?" Jon asked. 

"That's Skirg's problen," Thinker replied. 

Everyone [looked] at Skrib. "Crap." 

"What about six pizzas?" The bot gave him a stack of pizza boxes. "Groovy."

"I want some," Mark asked before taking a drink from his rootbeer.

NeoVid held the boxes away. "No. I got these for me." He took a slice out of the 
first box, then put all the pizzas away in his jacket pocket.

"How about a trade?" Mark offered NeoVid a can.

"Nah," NeoVid answered back.

Mark shrugged. "No biggie." He took another gulp.

"Hey, I've got it... you ripped off that jacket from Guybrush!"

"How about a hot tub full of elgible catgirls?" R. Jak suggested.

The group blinked.

"You DO know that cats hate water, don't you?" zero offered.

"Make it an empty hot tub then." 

Within seconds, two bots hauled in an empty hot tub with twenty beautiful 
catgirls in swimsuits. 

Needless to say, the next forty minutes were rather fun.

After a while, the light proceeded to turn yellow. 

"Huh?" Scott asked, his mouth full of Cheetos. "Whazzat? Ficsign?"

"The light is orange for fan-fiction/movie," the voice of Thinker explained. 
"Yellow means that jerks in charges are calling."

Right on cue, the main screen lit up. Evil Kate [GLARED] at the riffers.

"HEY! Who's calling me a jerk?" asked Evil Kate.

"Well, it's kind of automatic, what with you being the evil me and all," Kate 
said.

"Oh shut up. Now, as for..." Evil Kate blinked. "Who brought the catgirls in 
here?"

On cue, all the riffers immediately pointed to R. Jak.

"What?" R. Jak said, as innocent as he could.

"Pardon. It faurt of my bots," Doc Thinker's voice explained. "Ya see, we try to 
make group as happy as possibre so they get ther mind off tha fic."

"I do not want them HAPPY!" Evil Kate protested. "I want them driven insane!" 

"Well, I dunno," Mark replied, emerging from under the counter with a couple of 
giggling vixens. "I'm sorta driven insane by lust right about now."

Evil Kate's eybrow twitched dangerously.  Kate looked somewhere between amused 
and disgusted.  Echo just stared.

"Prhaps they want just littl too far," Thinker apologized.

"Hmm..." Evil Kate considered something for a few minutes.  "Well... if you 
really want to make me happy, maybe I can give you a call sometime?"

Kate choked. "Okay, I know you're my dark side and everything, but... Dr. 
Thinker?! Are you crazy?"

Evil Kate grinned smugly. "Well, he's got a certain charm, you know. How about 
it, Thinker-san?"

"Nah! I call you'd mch later, Empress Rita."

"Oooh! I'm not a Power Ranger villain! That's it! It's another switch time!"

Echo sighed. "Who's switching this time?"

"Mr. Knht and... hmm, who else?" Evil Kate tapped her chin with one finger while 
considering who should be the other 
victim.

"R. Jak?" Echo suggested.

"HEY!" R. Jak said indignantly.

"Good." Evil Kate grinned maniacally. "Okay, people, you heard me! Let's get 
moving!"

The screen turned off, and the new lightbulb changed to an orange color.

"Well, we've got a legitimate fanfic sign now," R. Jak observed.

"Hey, Skrib, whatever happened to, y'know, *getting us out*?!" Jonatan asked.

Skrib sweatdropped. "I got kinda, *ahem*, distracted back there. Bear with me, 
guys. I'll try something else." His monitor shut off.

"Coming, Doc?" asked Mr. Knht.

"Nay! Can't think of anything. I'm hit a writer block," Thinker answered.

"Is that good or bad?" Scott asked as both groups went into the theaters.
 
*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*


4B: It's a large book with a wax seal. Zeek slices the seal with his sword. The 
riffers open the book and see that it is a collection of bad fanfiction. The 
riffers scream and R.Jak fires a rocket at book, destroying it. The riffers move 
gingerly over the ashes towards the back of the book.

3B: The third door is a drawbridge.  Various ideas are thought up on how to get 
past, but none of them work.  Then R. Jak knocks and nearly gets flattened (but 
not quite) as it lowers the other way.

2B - A statue of Supergirl. The riffers look for the switch by trying to take it 
apart, but when zero turns the head of Supergirl down, a beam of light points 
them to....

1B - It's the open Bat-Poles from the 60's Batman's series. There are 4 poles, 
which the riffers slide down to land in the theather.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

> *

Mark: And someone fired the first bull's eye of the evening.

> The Mad Scientist smiled and turned 
> round to Aki. "I see you're awake... 
> 'tis no matter.

zero: [British] Yes, it is.
Mark: [British] No, it isn't.
zero: [British] Yes, it is!
Mark: [British] It isn't! It isn't at all!
Zeek: I will kill, if necessary...
(Pause)
zero: [British] Well, it could be.

> The process works anyway." Aki snarled in 
> anger. 

Mark: They forgot her rabies shots again?

>"What are you doing to me?" The 
> scientist straightened up 

Skrib (VO): ...quickly hiding the digital camera behind his back. "Oh, nothing 
            important," hesaid. 

> and took in a deep breath. 

R. Jak: [Scientist] Whew! When'd you take a bath recently?
Mark: [Scientist] *Wheeze* Don't do that! You almost gave me a heartattack.

> Something Aki recognised as 
> what her father normally did when he 

R.Jak: ...logged on too much time on the treadmill?

> was about to exposit on his latest 
> scheme. 

R.Jak: That, too.

> "You may well have noticed the 
> rainy conditions outside, unusual isn't 
> it?" 

Zeek: Well, rain isn't ITSELF unusual...
Mark: [Aki] Hey, you're right! It's actually raining cats and dogs!
zero: [Robin] Holy precipitation, Batman!

> Aki shrugged. "I don't know much 
> about Californian weather." "Well it 
> is. 

Zeek: [Scientist] Don't you trust me?

>I have been using magic taken from 
> various artifacts," The scientist 
> gestured to a small pile of assorted 
> magical jewellery and weapons, 

Mark: (Pointing) I see Tuxboy's rose.
R. Jak: (Pointing) I see Ayame's larynx.
Zeek: (Pointing) I see Tuxboy's severed head.
(Mark edges away from Zeek.)
zero: (Pointing) I see Sailor Mercury's under--
(zerosum jumps as Zeek slashes.)
Zeek: Damn, missed.

> "I have 
> managed to influence the weather so it 
> rains almost constantly. With this 
> rain, I have held California to ransom. 

R. Jak: WHY?!?
zero: [ransom] Hey, c'mon. Get it away from me.

> I told the Governor that unless he gave 
> me 

Mark: [Scientist, right pinky at lips] One million dollars! Mwahahaha!
(Mark gets bapped by the others.)
Zeek: Old joke.
Mark: (rubbing his head) Sorree! Sheesh!

> a billion dollars I would cause a 
> rainstorm unlike any that California 
> had ever seen before." "And?" 

Zeek: [Mad doctor] I'm not sure, really he laughed at me..
zero: Sunny California... (snicker)
R. Jak: After all those mudslides and earthquakes, I don't think they'd mind 
        getting wet.

> "Don't you see? Imagine the implications! The 
> tourism industry will collapse! Travel 
> will become difficult with wet roads, 
> turbulent skies and raging seas! 

Mark: [Mad doctor] William Baldwin will drown like a rat!
R. Jak: I'd pay money for that.

> Cities 
> will flood! People will whine about the 
> weather! 

Mark: (stunned) They don't? 
zero: [Chamberlain] London will burn! Thousands will die! That's what Hitler 
                    told me!

> Nobody will be able to hang 
> their laundry out to dry!"

zero: Oregonians will be able to move to California without dehydrating! 
      Mwahahaha! Revenge shall be ours!

> "So where do I come into this?" 

R.Jak: [Scientist] You're the generic lady in distress. What else?
Zeek: [Scientist] Like I needed a reason to kidnap a nubile young gir-- (Pauses)
Mark: Looks like an almost hentai comment there, Zeek.
(Zeek growls at Mark.)
Mark: ^_^
R. Jak: Can I hit him at least?
Skrib (VO): Welcome to the Perv Side, Zeek. You have learned well. <MML> 

> At this 
> question, the scientist's smile widened. 
> He now looked twice as deranged as before.

Zeek: Only twice as deranged? Pfft, Newbie.

> He pressed a button and a map of western 
> North America appeared on a nearby 
> screen. "With you and your other 
> magical girl friends I can now drain 
> much more power for my rain machine." 

R. Jak: [Scientist] I can make it rain in South Dakota! Mwahahahaha!

> He pressed another button and a strip 
> of the map, inland from the coast, lit 
> up. "I have bought land here, and with 
> the amount of rain I can now generate, 
> I shall flood the west coast,

zero: (stands on his seat) Do you have any idea how much water that would take, 
                           you cretin? You're talking about raising -sea level-!
Mark: You're analyzing the fic too hard. Sit down!
(zero sits down grumbling.)
R.Jak: Besides, how bad would nuking Antarctica be?

> making my land waterfront property, thus 
> boosting the value significantly!" Aki sighed. 
> She was almost beginning to miss the 
> comforting familiarity of her Dad's 
> craziness. 

R. Jak: It's kinda like Gene Hackman in the Superman movie.
zero: She should felt right at home then.

> "Isn't there an easier way 
> to do it?" Asked Aki. "Like what?" "I 
> don't know... Like detonating nuclear 
> device on the San Andreas fault and 
> sinking the west coast instead."

Mark: No, no, no! You never give the mad scientist help! Haven't you read the 
      manual?
Zeek: [Aki] Don't you get it? Blow up Hollywood fuist, moron!

> The scientist paused, a look of 
> consideration on his face. "Damn." He 
> said simply, then sighed. "Ah well, 
> I'll just have remember that for next 
> time. Thanks for the suggestion, er..." 
> "Aki." "Aki. Right. Thanks, that'll 
> save me a lot of time when I try this 
> out in Japan." "You're welcome." 

Mark: Okay, I think it's time to play "Who Said What." (stands up and points to 
      the screen) Who said that?
zero: I lost count.

> She 
> responded sarcastically. "Incidentally, 
> is there any real need for me to be 
> naked for this procedure?"

Mark: [Misato] Service! Service!
R.Jak: (To Mark) That's an eeriely uncanny impression.
Mark: Thanks.
Zeek: You know, she's taking this remarkably calmly for someone who's naked and 
      strapped to a table.
Mark: No complaints here. ^_^
Skrib (VO): Ditto. ^_^ 
zero: None at all. With -that- at least. ^_^
Zeek: You wouldn't, but I'm jaded. (sighs) Too cliche.
R. Jak: I find it empowering.
Zeek: Do you MIND?

> "No, but as they say, all work and no play 
> makes Jack a dull boy." Aki facefaulted, 

Mark: ...giving the audience more service! ^_^
zero: All work and no play makes Jack Nicholson try to kill his family with an 
      axe.

> then 
> her face turned to the very effective 
> portrait of anger she had developed 
> over the years. "Let [me] out of [this] 
> thing or [else!]"

zero: Bad emphasis. Should have been 'Let me [out] of this [thing] or [else]!' 
      (hacks and coughs for a minute) Gah. Three times in rapid succession is a 
      terrible strain on the vocal cords.
R. Jak: zero, if your head explodes from the choplogic of this story, we are NOT 
        gonna get you a new one.

> She screamed, shaking 
> various test tubes with each bracket. 
> But he scientist was unfazed by this. 

Mark: He scientist strong. He scientist not easily scared. Scientist not likem 
      whimpy she girl.

> "HA! Your brackets of power are no 
> match for THE CAPITALISATION OF THE 
> CENTURIES!" "But that's just shouting."

Skrib (VO): (Keanu Reeves) ...Whoa. 
Zeek: Must....KILL!!!
(Suddenly Zeek pulls out his sword and jumps at the screen, somehow cutting it 
into little ribbons)
Mark: Mental note...don't piss off Zeek.
zero: WOAH!! Does this mean it's over?
Evil Kate: You're going to pay for that, Zeek.
Zeek: Oh shut up, you know better than to put a fic that reminds me of THAT 
      story.
Evil Kate: What story?
Zeek: I'll tell you once I get out of here...
(Another screen slowly drops down from the ceiling.)
R. Jak: If they start talking in fonts, I'm leaving.

> *

Mark: Is that a fly stuck to the screen? (Looks closer) No, afraid not.
Zeek: You gonna run out of star jokes yet?
Mark: I don't think so if I stay bored.

> Upstairs, Tejina was going through the 
> study, searching for clues. 

zero: Instead, she found interesting undergarments.

> Generally 
> studies would include a lot of clues 
> such as diaries, floppy disks, weapons 
> blueprints, naval treaties and the 
> like. 

R. Jak: The like. Indigenous to the Amazon River Basin and storage for clues

> Unfortunately the search had, so 
> far, been fruitless. "Found anything 
> yet?" Asked Hanaki. "Nope."

Mark: [Tejina] The search has, so far, been fruitless.
Zeek: [Hanaki] Why are we looking for fruits again?
Mark: [Tejina] Well, I found Truman Capote. Does that count?

> Responded Tejina. "Do any of you know how to 
> pick locks?" 

Mark: I know how to pick my nose if that means anything. (Pause) Oh-uh, maybe 
      I've become so bored that I've lost my internal monologue? (Looks around. 
      The others hide their snickering.) Probably not.

> Keiko looked up from a small eldritch looking

zero: Ah so. Miss Customer has discover the mysterious oblong book.

> tome she'd found on the bookshelves. "I know a 
> bit, what do you want to unlock?" "Just this 
> desk drawer. Sis, Matsuro, keep looking." 

R.Jak: [Tejina] My contacts should be around here somewhere.
*Cracking sound*
Zeek: [Matsuro] Was that it?

> Keiko knelt down and looked at the 
> small lock. She took two small pins out 
> of her small inventory of magical 
> ingredients and prodded them around the 
> lock. 

Mark: [lock] Ooh! Ow! Stop that!

> After a few minutes of applying 
> just the right amount of pressure, one 
> of the pins snapped. Keiko cursed, then 
> smiled, as if remembering something. 

Zeek: [Keiko] Dammit, I have lock picks!
Mark: [Keiko] I forgot to get dressed!
R.Jak: [Keiko] Baywatch is on!
zero: [Keiko] I was supposed to invoke Nyarlathotep, not Cthulhu!

> She then reached over and touched the 
> lock with her thumb and index finger, 
> then tugged the drawer open, revealing 
> a metal box. "What was that spell?" 
> Asked Tejina. "Lock to Jello." Answered 
> Keiko.

zero: [Matsuro] That explains the bag of padlocks in the bathtub.
Mark: [Keiko] Learned it from a tentacle monster. Wonder what he used it for?

> "First level, short range, uses 
> four mana points." "Mana points?" asked 
> Tejina, surprised. "Yeah, there's two 
> mana focus points in my thumb, one in 
> my index finger and one in the lock." 

R. Jak: Oh great. Crossover with Secret of Evermore, I think.

> "Oh." Tejina lifted the box out and 
> opened it. Inside was a massive 
> collection of- "Keys?" Asked Matsuro 
> rhetorically, because that is what they 
> clearly were keys, lots of keys. Tejina 
> turned the box upside down, spilling 
> the keys into a small heap noisily, 
> which meant they missed the sound of a 
> book case revolving behind them. 

zero: What is the sound of one bookcase revolving?

> Matsuro pick up a small one on a key 
> chain. "BMW? Nice..." He picked up a 
> handful more, looking at the keyrings. 
> "Ferrari, Porsche, another Ferrari, 
> Ford, Chevrolet, another BMW... 

zero: Freaky Nissan guy.

> Wait a 
> minute." Matsuro held one up to the 
> light. "This one's ours." "Are you 
> sure?" Asked Keiko. "Couldn't it just 
> be one from the same brand of van?" 
> "No...

Zeek: [Matsuro]...they discontinued it after making just ours.

> It's that tacky Stars and 
> stripes keyring that Kireiko bought, 
> and there's even that stain from when 
> Ayame knocked her coffee onto it." 
> "We'd better find the others." Tejina 
> stood up. "Hey... Where's Hanaki gone?" 

R. Jak: Run, Hanaki! Get out of this fic while you still can!

> Keiko and Matsuro looked around. 
> "Damn." Matsuro cursed. "We've lost 
> her." Tejina sighed. "We'd better look 
> for her. Let's go." The Do-Gooders 
> turned to leave, but then Keiko noticed 
> that she had left the book on the 
> floor. She picked it up and moved over 
> to replace it. (After all, it was only 
> polite) But when she got there she 
> noticed something amiss. "Jinkies!"

(The riffers facepalm)
zero: (grits his teeth) I'm going to pretend I didn't see that word, story.

> She 
> cried. Matsuro and Tejina rushed back 
> in. "What?" "There's an exact duplicate 
> of this book on the shelf!" "Hmm..." 
> Said Matsuro. "Is it me, or does it 
> look like something's revolved on that 
> bit of carpet?" "Oh no..."

Mark: [Tejina] ...she couldn't wait until we got back to the room?

> Groaned Tejina. "It's one of those revolving 
> bookcases. I don't suppose it'll open 
> from this side?" The swordsman, 
> sorceress and singer pulled out each 
> and every book, but to no avail. 

Zeek: Reminds me of some half-assed senior prank.

> "We'd 
> better find the others." Something 
> occurred to Tejina. "Hey Keiko." "Yes?" 
> "What does "Jinkies"

zero: (clenches his fists) Not going to warn you again, story.

> mean anyway?" Keiko paused. "I honestly 
> couldn't tell you... Isn't it a breakfast 
> cereal or something?" 

Mark: [Johnny Bravo] Yeah, whatever.

> Tejina thought about 
> this. 

Zeek: And Tejina's head exploded.

> "Nah. You're probably thinking of 
> Jusenky-os

Zeek: Haha. Self-reference. It is to laugh.
R. Jak: This story takes the bold step of slapping the audience silly.

> or something." "Ah well." 
> Said Keiko. "I wonder what our host's 
> done with Aki."

Mark: [Matsuro] Well, I know what -I'd- OW!
zero: (to Zeek) We outnumber you, you know.
Zeek: (to zero) I have more weapons than you two.
R. Jak: Hey, I got my bat too.

> "Whatever it is." Said 
> Matsuro "I know she won't take it lying 
> down."

zero: [Aki] Are you trying to insinuate something?
Mark: [Matsuro] Oh, no, no, no-yes.

> 
> *
> 
> Kireiko (I bet you though it was going 
> to be Aki didn't you?)

Mark: (sarcastic) No!
Zeek: Gosh, Mr. Author, you're just too clever for us.

> grunted as he pulled the table back into 
> position. "Well-" Said B-A3 Becky. "Tejina 
> said she'd check the study and conservatory, 
> and we've already checked through the 
> billiard room and this room. 

R. Jak: And still, no secret passages to the lounge.

> And as 
> there weren't any more clues in the 
> hall or the lounge, so the kitchen is 
> the next logical step." 

Mark: Find the candlestick while you're at it.

> Ayame walked 
> over to the door opposite to him and 
> opened it, revealing the kitchen. The 
> room looked similar to that of a 
> commercial kitchen, but with older 
> equipment, some of which had probably 
> been built in the 1930s. 

zero: Really old commercial then.

> In one corner 
> sat a large refrigerator, 

Mark: [Refrigerator] Don't mind me. I'm just cooling my heels here. I have no 
                     relation to the actual story.

> roughly the 
> size of a telephone booth. Kireiko, who 
> had not eaten since the previous day,
> chose this as the first point of 
> investigation. Becky took out her 
> magnifying glass 

Zeek: And magnified the light, causing a small fire in the sink.

> and used it to 
> investigate the work surfaces for 
> clues. Ayame looked through the various 
> implements of culinary nature. Daisy 
> walked off to the storage room, 
> mistaking it for the wine cellar. 
> Kireiko triumphantly lifted a can of 
> Diet Pepsi out of the fridge. 

Mark: You got the right one, baby.
All: Uh huh!

> He ripped 
> off the ring pull 

(zero imitates ripping off a ring pull.)
zero: Damn, I have to change my pants!

>and drank. "Find 
> anything?" He asked, to give the 
> illusion he was doing something 
> productive. "I have found some 
> suspicious fingerprints in this flour 
> on the counter." Confirmed Becky. "I am 
> lifting them for further analysis." She 
> said, taking out a roll of government 
> issue cellotape.

Mark: The government issues cellotape to high school students?

> "What about you?" 
> Ayame shrugged. "I have not found 
> anything of great interest, merely a 
> dozen knives, twelve forks, two and ten 
> spoons, a rusty chainsaw and a badly 
> cleaned blender." 

Zeek: [Ayame] I have also found some wax fruit, Ralph the Plant, cheese, and a 
              hamster I plan to put in the microwave. 

> "Chainsaw?" Becky 
> raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Yes 
> rapturous BA-3, but it is out of gas, 
> so no enemy can turn it on us, just as 
> we cannot take the blade to them."

zero: Unless, of course, you decided to, oh, I don't know, -get- some gas from 
      one of the -dozen- cars you found keys to?

> *
> 
> Meanwhile in the storage room, Daisy

zero: ...changed into Supergirl.

> sat next to a locked door and looked up 
> at a set of shelves, or more 
> specifically, the top shelf, 

Skrib (VO): Wouldn't it be easier if the story got to the point instead of 
            leading us around in literal circles? 
R.Jak: Speak for yourself, Mister Surreal Author.
Sig (VO): HEY!!!
Zeek: Picky, picky, picky...

> where a 
> bottle of some description rested. [It 
> must be alcohol,] She reasoned through 
> the fluff of inebriation. [it's on the 
> top shelf to keep it away from 
> irresponsible people.] 

R. Jak [Becky]: Like me.
zero [Daisy]: ...Not that it means anything to someone responsible like me, of 
              course...

> The real and 
> accurate possibility that it was simply 
> developing fluid didn't cross her mind. 

Mark: Well, who would expect something developing in this story?

> Slowly, she stood up and started 
> climbing up the shelves, using various 
> canned goods and boxes as foot holds. 
> After a brief moment of terror as she 
> nearly fell off, she reached the top 
> and reached out for the bottle. 

R. Jak: o/~ Lie stiiiiill, little bottle...o/~

> Unfortunately she had not taken into 
> account the lack of a paw-friendly ring 
> pull. Her attempt to open the bottle 
> knocked it off the shelf and onto the 
> floor, where it smashed open on a 
> little grate. "Whoopsh." Daisy prepared 
> to jump down when the door opened next 
> to the shelves and a frightening figure 
> stepped out. 

Zeek: AHHHH!!! It's Barney!
Mark: No, they already killed him around the 20th chapter of Do-Gooders.
Zeek: They did? (Mark nods his head.) Well, they did something good, at least.
Skrib (VO): Wai! ^_^

> It seemed to have no 
> constant form, except a vaguely head 
> shaped bit at the top. 

Zeek: (sigh) Even I can spot how badly this story wants to be hentai...
Skrib (VO): This story would have been a lot better if it dropped all pretense 
            of innuendo, symbolism and good taste, and just get to the honkin' 
            orgy. 
Mark: (glaring at the ceiling) Stop ripping off my lines, kabayan. >_<
(Everyone just... stares... at Mark.) 
Mark: (looks around) What? Do I have spinach stuck in my teeth?

> The rest of the 
> creature's body rippled like some sort 
> of demonic fabric.

zero: I am the Demon Prince of Suede! Fear me, mortal!

> "Yikes! A ghosht!" 
> Cried the cat, leaping for the kitchen 
> door.

Zeek: And all the ghost heard was "MEOW!"

> *

Mark: (Opens his mouth, pauses, then looks stunned) ...
Zeek: What?
Mark: I ran out of star jokes again. 
(Zeek baps him.)
Mark: Thanks, but that isn't helping my memory.
Zeek: This little star hadda be in this story and went wee wee wee wee, all the 
      way home. That help any, Mark?
Mark: Not by much. ^_^;

> "What about you?" Asked Becky-A3 "Was 
> there anything in the fridge?" "Nothing 
> really, just some cheese, lettuce, 

Mark: ...tomato, 100% pure beef patty on a sesame seed bun. 
R.Jak: Getting hungry?
Mark: Somewhat.
(zero hands Mark some popcorn.)
Skrib (VO): (whiny) Can I have some? Onegai?...
zero: Then, get your ass down here. 
Skrib (VO): So you can kick it? No. 

> a 
> battery... but wait!" Said Kireiko, 
> putting on a somewhat flawed dramatic 
> voice, 

zero: Kireiko was never a good thespian, story.
Skrib (VO): I think that was the joke, zero. 
R.Jak: And if you have to explain it, it wouldn't be funny now, would it?

> "What's this strange aquatic 
> beast the lurks at the back! 

Zeek: Dolphin safe tuna?
Zack Hibiki (VO): HEY!!!
(Utter silence.)
Mark: This is all your fault, Skrib. 

> This may 
> be a clue! Oh wait... no, sorry, it's 
> just a red herring." Finished Kireiko, 
> holding his dire visual pun up for all 
> to see. 

(All facepalm.)
Mark: Even I wouldn't make a pun that bad.
(The others look at him suspiciously.)
Mark: (notices the looks) What? Do I?

> Becky winced as she fought back 
> an urge to put a bullet through his 
> head 

Mark: Why fight it, Becky? Shoot him!
All: Yeah!
R. Jak: KILL the unbeliever!

> and Ayame took a threatening deep breath 

Zeek: Threatening to who or what? Her clothing?

> when Daisy dashed in screeching 
> like a cat in an oven. "What is it?" 
> Asked Becky. Daisy was in shock, making 
> wild gesture and trying to fluff her 
> fur in such a way that she could appear 
> like a ghost. 

zero: Not a very good ghost, anyway.

> This caused little 
> comprehension, but no end of 
> sweatdrops. "Hmm..." noted B-A3. "She's 
> probably drunk something unhealthy 
> again." 

R. Jak: Sounds like Jonatan after one of these experiments.
(A theater away, Jonatan sneezes.)

> "By all the gods in the 
> heavens!" Began Ayame, which rarely 
> boded well "Such as Thor, Zeus, Freya, 
> Apollo, Eros, Mars, Belld-" 

Zeek: Please, don't mix Greek, Norse, and Roman gods in one sentence...
Mark: Someone wasn't paying attention in Mythology lessons.
zero: What? No Sephiroth?
Zeek: Forget Sephiroth, what about Chaos?

> "Get to the 
> point." Said B-A3. "What's that over 
> there? Be it man, monster or evil 
> spirit from the DarkVerse?" 

Zeek [Daisy]: Worse! It's John Agar!

> She 
> finished, pointing to the cause of 
> Daisy's fear, which appeared to float 
> menacingly through the doorway. 

R. Jak: (slowly reading) Floating...menacingly? How'd you do that?

> "Whooo..." 

Zeek: WHAT A RUSH!!!

> It said. "It appears to be a 
> ruse to scare us out of this room, I 
> believe it poses no real threat but I 
> just to be sure we should make a 
> pre-emptive strike." "Meaning?" Asked 
> Kireiko.

zero: [Becky] Meaning I shoot lots of holes in it and then you jump up and down 
              on the remains.
Skrib (VO): [Kireiko] ...Okies. ^_^

> "After you Kireiko." Kireiko 
> grinned and flexed his muscles, 
> bursting the seams on his T-shirt 
> (Something he'd been practicing to show 
> off in front of Hanaki) 

All: WHY?
Skrib (VO): (chuckling) If you have to ask, you'll never know... h_h

> and he shifted 
> into his oni form in a flash of special 
> effects stolen from Deep Space Nine. 
> "Ay-pi-ay-ai Motherlover!"

zero: Get it right, you incompetent Neanderthal! "Yippee-kai-yay, mother****er" 
      (pauses) ****er. You've got to be kidding me. After the stuff I've said, 
      you censor -that-?
Evil Kate: Ratings, zero. Ratings.
R. Jak: What's wrong with the ****ing ratings? 

> he declared 
> as he launched himself at the formless 
> being. The ghost leapt out of the way, 
> seemed to trip on itself and collapsed 
> to the ground. Kireiko brought his fist 
> up for one final punch. "Spirit 
> Begone!" He shouted as the punch 
> connected. The ghost collapsed to the 
> ground, a red stain spreading across 
> the outer layer of the spirit. "Huh..." 
> Said Kireiko. "I think I've got 
> ectoplasm on my fist..." "That's blood 
> Kireiko, 

R. Jak: Is that like Evil Ryu?
Mark: Or an Orochi Leona? 
Skrib (VO): ...Wai. ^_^

> it's just a henchman wearing a 
> sheet." Kireiko pinned the ghost to the 
> ground 

Mark: [Referee] 1...2...3!
(All applaud.)
Zeek: [Jim Ross] He's down! He's down! Mah Gahd, the Cahrnage!

> and Ayame pulled the sheet out 
> from under him, revealing an English 
> butler with a broken nose. "What ho, 
> Plage." Said Ayame. "It is sad to see 
> that you serve the forces of nastiness, 
> so please join the force of justice 
> and-" Ayame stopped, a shudder passing 
> through her. 

zero: [Shudder] Don't mind me. I'm just a tourist passing by.

> Tejina, Keiko and Matsuro 
> came in through the door. 

Mark: As opposed to, say, through the roof.
Zeek: Or the wall.

>Tejina looked 

Zeek: ...drunk. Sad, really.

> to Ayame, Ayame looked back and said 
> simply "You felt it too?" Tejina nodded 
> gravely. "Yes, and I know it too. 
> Hanaki's in trouble."

R. Jak: [Matsuro] Does that mean we can go now?

> *

Zeek: Hit the target, win a prize.

> 
> "I spy..." Began Hanaki "...with my 
> little eye... something beginning with 
> C." 

Mark: I spy with my little eye... something stinking.
Zeek: How do you smell something with your eye?
Mark: I... (sweatdrop) Whoops, wrong choice of words.
zero: It's the thought that counts.
Zeek: [Aki] Hmmm... but Ceiling begins with an I.

> "Ceiling." Said Aki. Hanaki sighed. 
> "You win again, another round?" "No." 
> This left a silence in the air for a 
> while, broken only by the sound of 
> breathing and the blips of various 
> pieces of equipment. 

R. Jak: By hundreds of machines that go "ping!"

> "Hanaki, are you 
> sure there's nothing you can do?" "I 
> don't have my communicator so I can't 
> summon Pep, 

zero: Why'd they need soda right now?

> and I can't transform 
> without him. Besides, I can't dance 
> when I'm strapped to a table." 

Zeek: That's a good thing, mind you.

> Han 
> thought for a moment. "Can't you use 
> your brooch?" "And just where would I 
> keep a brooch at this moment in time?" 

(Mark opens his mouth, then looks at Zeek's sword and closes it)
Mark: Never mind.
Zeek: You're learning. (turns to zero, who is sitting slumped in his chair, 
      hands folded in front of his face) What's the matter? Run out of 
      perversions already?
zero: Censors.
Zeek: Oh yea.. the $#*!^%#(%&*^#(!%!@!!! censors.
zero: (BLINK) That's a long swearword.
Zeek: No it's not, it's a trick I picked up.

> "Ano..." Hanaki thought again. "Ever 
> considered body piercing in case this 
> happens again?" Aki gave her a look 
> that was somewhere near "Ew!", in the 
> general area of "WHAT?", practically 
> across the street from "You're weird", 

R. Jak: ...a few blocks from the premisises of "Are you getting somewhere near a 
        POINT, story"?

> but a long way from "I say Hanaki, 
> that's a splendid idea. Just as soon as 
> we escape from this mad scientist's lab 
> we'll trot along to the nearest 
> piercing parlour and have my brooch 
> stuck through my nose." 

Mark: After all those directions, the look got lost.

> "No." "Sorry... 
> Just thinking..."

Mark: [Quality editor] I think you should change the "Just" to "Not".

> *

Mark: This is a loner star.

> ****************** 

Mark: The loner star lives separate from others of its kind.
Zeek: Can you quit it with the star jokes already?

> *COMMERCIAL BREAK* 
> ******************

R. Jak: Commercials? Someone actually PAID someone to get in this story?
zero: The producer just increased the show's budget.
Zeek: And they spent it all on stars.
Mark: (to Zeek) I thought you wanted me to quit the star jokes?
Zeek: Er, well... I'm behind the riff quota anyway.

> "Hey kids! Do you like plushies?" "What 
> if I do?" 

R. Jak: [announcer] I'm doing the damn talking! 

> "And do you like Do-Gooders?" 
> "I suppose so." "Then have I got the 
> perfect thing for you!" "Yes, it's a 
> Do-Gooders plushie isn't it?" "...Yes. 
> But not just any plushies! These one's 
> talk when you pull their strings." 

Mark: Suddenly, I'm reminded of Thinker.
Zeek: A Thinker plushie? That's a thought.

> "Ooh, gosh, wow, geez, we're ever so 
> impressed. That's really original that 
> is. Truly you are like a god amongst 
> men when it comes to surprises." 
> "Quiet. Why not buy a Kireiko! Pull his 
> string and hear his repertoire of 
> badass catchphrases!" 

R. Jak: What's wrong with his butt?

> *"<LET'S ROCK!>"* 
> *"Hello Cthulu must die, all else is 
> irrelevant."* *"It's not a girl's 
> name!"* Villyn! Hear the voice of evil! 
> *"BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!"* 

zero: *"BRAAAAINS! BRAAAAINS!"*
R. Jak: (growls) Do that again and your life is forfeit.

> *"Charge, my 
> minions!"* *"Feel the wrath of 
> Villyn!"* And the well used voice of 
> Ayame! *"Tremble in fear evil-doers for 
> the warrior of justice, good and 
> extremely long sentences is here to 
> save the day by preventing criminals 
> like you from who seek to cause pain, 
> misery and the non buying of Do-Gooders 
> plushies which are incidentally very 
> good and worth buying and I shall stop 
> you in the name of the crystal cit-"* 
> "GAH! How do you switch this thing 
> off?" "Well according to the manual 
> you're supposed to smash it into 
> silence with the supplied baseball 
> bat." 

Mark: Only YOU can prevent plushie assault.

> *"-through means of long speeches 
> on the joys of truth, love and p-"* 
> *SMASH!* "Phew... Also available from 
> plushcorp, Magical Girl Hunter 
> plushies! Including the new limited 
> edition Itami plushie!" *"..."* *"..."* 
> *"..."*

zero: [Daisuke] ...op me.

> 
> *

Mark: Oh, look! One of the asterisks from the last paragraph fell out.

> Plage struggled with the knot, but it 
> was no good, the more he moved, the 
> tighter it got. "Why did you do that?" 
> Asked Keiko. "Well none of us had any 
> string, and I learnt the "Human knot" 
> restraint technique in my training 
> so..." 

R. Jak: I think I saw that in Batman once.

> "Are you sure his arm should 
> bend that way?" 

Mark: [Kireiko] I mean, sheesh! I could see three elbows now.

> asked Kireiko. "If it 
> didn't before, it does now." Answered 
> Becky. Tejina looked down at the 
> painfully restrained butler. "Right. So 
> you're an evil henchman then?" "Yes, 
> there is a certain henching element to 
> my job..." "Uh-huh. And who do you 
> hench to?" 

zero: [Plage] That's a rather personal question, madam.

> "The master." Tejina rolled 
> her eyes. "You're going to keep 
> referring to him as that aren't you?" 
> "Yes." "All right... can you at least 
> tell us where your evil master has 
> taken Han and Aki?" "My master's not 
> evil!" 

Mark: [Plage] He's just misunderstood. Damn you politically incorrect heroes!

>Protested the butler. "He's an 
> honest man!" Tejina sighed. "Whatever. 
> Where have you taken Aki and Hanaki?" 
> "To the master's lab, but you'll never 
> get them back." 

Zeek: [Tejina] Uh...why?
R. Jak: [Plage] I dunno. Always wanted to say that.

> "We'll see about that." 
> Said Kireiko, cracking his knuckles. 
> "Where's his lab?" "That..." Began the 
> butler, "...is a secret." Becky blinked 
> twice. "Is there anything to drink 
> around here?" She said. "Never mind, 
> but how can we possibly get the answer 
> out of him?" asked Ayame. "Hmm..." 
> hmmed Becky, something she seemed to be 
> doing a lot lately. "Plage, are you 
> sure you won't confess?" "Yes." "Very 
> well... Kireiko... Get... THE COMFY 
> CHAIR!" 

(Sudden burst of dramatic segues. The group jumps.)
Skrib (VO): Uh...sorry. ran into some spare instumental sound files up here. 
            Hope I didn't scare you.
Mark: Skrib!?! Where the heck have you been?!? 
Skrib (VO): Just checking the other theater. 
R.Jak: Haven't you figured out anything yet? 
Skrib (VO): To be honest... No. 
Zeek: Argh. Trust a total computer illiterate to hack his way out of a 
      Playstation...

> "..." Said Tejina. "..." Said 
> Matsuro. "..." Said Kireiko. "..." Said 
> Keiko. "..." Said Daisy. 

R.Jak: ...
Mark: ...
Zeek: ...
zero: ...
R.Jak: Someone want to riff that?
zero: Riff it? I can't even keep -track- of it!
Mark: (clears throat) Author, the Impro Inquisition is seeking royalty rights.

> "Eh?" Said 
> Ayame. "Just do it." Said Becky Kireiko 
> complied, bringing in a large armchair 
> that looked very comfortable indeed. He 
> handed it to Becky. "Now... Are you 
> sure you won't tell us?" "Yes." 
> Confirmed Plage. WHACK Becky dealt 
> Plage a blow to the head with the back 
> of the chair.

zero: -Becky- is hitting the captive with a chair?
Mark: [Southern Belle accent] Oh, and she was such a dainty thing, too. Heavens, 
                              look at what her friends influenced her to do! I \           
                              never!

> "Now?" "No. And I'll have 
> you know that's a valuable an-" 
> WHACKWHACKWHACK "Rapturous Agent 
> Becky, isn't this interrogation method 
> a little... unorthodox?" Asked Ayame. 
> "Standard government practice." 

R. Jak: Unorthodox standard government procedure.
Mark: Shhh! They could be listening in. (looks around nervously.) You never know 
      if one is lurking around.
(Others give him "You're weird" looks.)
Zeek: And who, pray tell, could be lurking around?
Mark: (conspiratory whisper) Paparazzi.
(Mark gets buried under a pile of old cameras.)
zero: Whoah! (looks around) Where'd those come from?

> Assured 
> Becky, proceeding with her 
> interrogation. "Give up yet?" "Nev-" 
> Said Plage, before he was interrupted. 

Mark: [Author] Uh...could you stop the slapstick a bit? I have to go to the 
               bathroom.

> "Aren't you supposed to be shining a 
> light in his eyes while he sits in the 
> chair?" Asked Tejina. "Light bulbs burn 
> out. Chairs don't."

zero: Actually, if you hold them close enough to the light bulbs...

> Noted B-A3. "Had 
> enough?" "No. I shall never tell you." 
> "Kireiko. Bring him... A CUP OF TEA!" 

Mark: [Kireiko as English butler] Tea, sir?

> Kireiko facefaulted. "I suppose you 
> mean a REALLY hot cup of tea?" asked 
> Matsuro. "Yes, scalding."

Mark: [Matsuro] No, I'm Matsuro.
Zeek: [Scalding] I'm right here!
zero: [Becky] Sorry, I always confuse you two.

> *
> 
> Miles away, in Los Angeles, in an 
> airport, by...

Zeek: A telephone, straight across from the nuclear waste shop...a crime was 
happening.

> a tent? "Ha! Look at 
> them! All them unaware of the hideous 
> plans of Villyn!" declared the Blank 
> Psychic, drawing a few stares from 
> travellers. 

Mark: This being California, no one really noticed.

> The Quake Camper 

zero: Suddenly had a rail shot through him.

> twitched the flaps of his tent aside and 
> peeked outside. "Remember Master Villyn's 
> orders, Blank Psychic," Squeaked the 
> Camper. "We must find and recruit 
> supporters to his cause." "Yes Camper,

Mark: [Blank Psychic]...so how many were we supposed to kidnap again?

> but our primary task is to await the 
> arrival of Aki-sama!" "Surely we can 
> recruit some people while we wait." 

R. Jak: [Camper] Look! Hare Krishnas!

> "Hmm... Perhaps you're right..." Five 
> minutes later, someone had set up a 
> small tent next to gate five and a man 
> in a fencing mask was handing out 
> leaflets to French tourists.

Zeek: [Blank Psychic] Have you discovered the joys of worshipping Villyn-sama?
Mark: [Frenchman] American swine! You dare imply that I would turn away from    
                  Saint Jerry?
zero: Did that interlude actually have a point?
R. Jak: To remind us that yet more of the cast of Do-Gooders is out  
        there...waiting...
zero and Mark: We want Jodie! We want Jodie!

> 
> *

Zeek: Star your engines. -_-
zero: Geez, that was bad.
Zeek: So's this story.

> 
> Ayame pulled on the stairpost and the 
> door swung open. "I'm surprised I 
> didn't guess that one." Said Becky, 

zero: Gosh, yes. That's such an obvious way to open a door. (/sarcasm)

> nodding at the new found lab entrance. 
> "Funny isn't it?" Noted Tejina. "What 
> is?" Asked Kireiko. "How Plage stood up 

Mark: [Tejina]...after we broke both of his legs. That was neat!

> to all of Becky's interrogation, but 
> gave up when Keiko did that laugh..." 

zero: Number 14?
R. Jak: Number 8, maybe.
Zeek: 73, the "I wanna have as many laughs as Kim has grins?"

> "Yeah." Confirmed Becky. "Y'know what's 
> also funny?"

Mark: Political conventions.
R. Jak: Us. We're hilarious.
zero: Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky, at indiemadnesse.sandwich.n--URRK! (zero
      collapses from a swordhilt to the temple)
Zeek: URLslut.

> "What?" Asked Tejina 
> again. "How we're all talking like this 
> when we all know what happened." 
> "Yes... Weird isn't it?" 

Mark: [Shredder] I wasn't explaining it to you. I was explaining it to them.  
                 (Points to audience)
Zeek: Dude, who are you talking to?
Mark: Gee, I dunno.

> Agreed Keiko. 
> The Do-Gooders shared a shrug 

Zeek: Mainly, because they were cheapskates.

> and stepped through the door, which led to 
> set of steps. At the bottom of these 
> steps was a large room which seemed to 
> stretch out for miles, filled with 
> enough scientific equipment to 
> re-create seventy 50's B-movies. 

R. Jak: Deep Thirteen! Deep Thirteen!

> Tejina 

Zeek: Promptly used all that equipment to create a sequal to Manos. (Shudders)

> took stock of the situation and asked: 
> "So... What now?" 

Mark: [Kireiko] Now we start screaming like ninnies.
zero: [Narrator] So, Kireiko shrieked...

> "EEEEEK!" 

zero: [Narrator] ...like a little girl.
Mark: [Kireiko] That was fun.
Zeek: Quit reading ahead, you two.

> Came a 
> scream from the right side of the lab. 
> "That was Hanaki!" declared Kireiko, 
> before running off. The Do-Gooders 
> followed him into the lab.
> 
> *
> 
> "EEEEEK!" Repeated Hanaki. 

R.Jak: We heard you first time.

> "Hmm..." 
> Considered Aki. "Is it... 

Mark: [Aki] Butter?

> Psycho?" 
> Hanaki nodded. "Your turn." Aki thought 
> for a moment. "Okay... Ahem... "We now 
> end our elf broadcasting day." and it's 
> from a TV series." Hanaki sighed. 
> "Damn, you're good at this... I'll take 
> a clue." "Right, it's got th-" 

zero: Titties.
R. Jak: Come on. That can come from hundreds of elf broad...no, wait.

> "Pipe 
> down you two." Demanded the scientist, 
> bringing out a 

Mark: ...court order. Hanaki and Aki were barred from speaking.

> large piece of machinery 
> that looked suspiciously like some sort 
> of shredding device. Aki and Hanaki 
> looked over this device with sweat 
> drops dripping off their foreheads.

R.Jak: Someone call a plumber!
Mark: [Public service announcer] Millions of gallons of water are wasted 
                                 everyday. Help conserve water. Stop those 
                                 dripping foreheads.

> "Er...This is probably a stupid 
> question..." began Hanaki. "...but 

Mark: [Hanaki] ...coming from me, should that really be surprising?
R.Jak: Hanaki should talk to her agent about her lines.

> what

Zeek: ...is the meaning of life?
Mark: ...comes after A but before C?
R.Jak: ...is the capital of Czechoslovakia?
zero: ...do you call that thing between your le-*Thwap* Ow!
(Zeek lowers his scabbard.) 

> are you going to do with that?" "Huh? 
> This? Oh I'm just going to mince you so 
> I can extract the magic from you more 
> efficiently, nothing for you to worry 
> about." 

Mark: [Scientist]...unless it goes horribly wrong anyway.

> "Aw hell. This looks like the 
> end." said Aki. "Don't worry. I sense 
> my sisters are close." 

Zeek: [Hanaki] My sister-sense is tingling!

> Less than a 
> moment later, Kireiko ran in.

Mark: [Aki] Hanaki, you have weird-looking sisters.

> *
> 
> Kireiko snarled at the scientist. How 
> dare he do this to Aki and Hanaki! 

zero: [Kireiko] And you didn't invite me!

> He 
> cast a glance at the victims before 
> looking squarely at the scientist, his 
> eyes alight with a glow of vengeance. 
> Then he looked back. "Gee..." He said, 
> blushing. "Stay back!" Warned the 
> scientist, drawing a pistol. 

R. Jak: Thanks to concealed weapons laws.

> "Gee..." 
> Repeated Kireiko, a little blood 
> dripping out of his nose. 

Mark: I'm surprised Hanaki and Aki haven't reacted to this by now.

> "Prepare to 
> die!" Kireiko looked up just in time to 
> jump out of the way as the bullet hit 
> the ground behind him. 

Zeek: A big target like that and he *missed.*
R. Jak: Typical evil villain behavior. They couldn't hit a broad side of a barn.

> The rest of the 
> scientist's "Guests" ran in, Becky had 
> a pistol in each hand. "Oh no!" 
> declared the scientist, looking 
> straight at the new arrivals. "It's 
> her!"

Mark: Britney Spears! NOOOOO!!!

> "Stop, or I'll shoot!" Becky's 
> target stopped staring at the group and 
> drew another pistol. "Ha! Now the odds 
> are evened!" Declared the scientist, 
> his hand shaking in fear. 

zero: [Scientist] Now we BOTH look like we're in a John Woo film!

> "Now, be a 
> good girl an-" He was cut off as his 
> guns were shot out of his hand. The 
> scientist cursed and jumped behind a 
> piece of machinery, one of Becky's 
> bullets grazing his arm. "Damn." cursed 
> Becky before setting off in pursuit 
> with 

All: o/~ Da da da da da da DUM. o/~

> Tejina and Matsuro closely 
> following. "When are you three going to 
> get us out of these things?" Asked Aki. 
> "Gee..." Responded the half oni, 
> standing in a small pool of his own 
> blood. 

R.Jak: And Kireiko died from blood loss.
Mark: (shaking his head) Still not happening.

> "Not much of an original speaker 
> is he?" noted Keiko. "Correct dear 
> friend Keiko, his repetitive manner of 
> speech is of great amusement to me." 
> Exposited Ayame. 

Mark: [Ayame] Hehe, primitive male, hehe.

> Hanaki rolled her 
> eyes. "Then again there are worse 
> speakers."

R. Jak: Ross Perot for one.

> *

Mark: o/~Do you see what I see? A star, a star, dancing in the night, with a  
      tail as big as a kite...o/~
R.Jak: Still a little early for the holidays, Mark.
Mark: It's never too early for the holidays. ^_^

> Becky fired off several more shots from 
> her guns as the scientist fled. Becky 
> was faced with a moral dilemma, 

zero: She could stop this story NOW, or continue.

> normally, when faced with a fleeing 
> target, and a human target as well, she 
> would shoot to disable, rather than 
> kill. 

R.Jak: Don't think, just kill!

> But the target was proving to be 
> strangely elusive and she had only hit 
> him once. She was worried she'd be 
> forced to kill him. 

Mark: [Becky] Wonder if I'm going to be sued if I do?

> [One last 
> chance...] She thought, raising her gun 
> and aiming at the back of his right 
> knee. She pulled the trigger... click 
> "GAH!" Said Becky simply, she'd run out 
> of bullets, and Hanaki had left her 
> spare clips in the van. 

Zeek: Er...why?!?

> "He's gone into 
> that corridor!" Called Tejina, pointing 
> towards the scientist. The corridor 
> ended at a solid wall, but on both 
> sides there were four doors, the 
> scientist escaped into the third one on 
> the right. 

zero: [Narrator] Remember. There will be a test on this.

> "GET HIM!" Shouted Tejina, 
> rushing to follow the scientist, 
> closely followed by Matsuro and Becky. 
> The Scientist ran back into the 
> corridor from the fourth door on the 
> right 

Mark: [Author] Cue another Scooby Doo reference.
R.Jak: [Author a la Jean Luc Picard] Make it so.

> and dashed through the door on 
> the opposite side of the corridor, with 
> the Do-Gooders mere seconds behind him. 
> The scientist dashed out of the first 
> door on the left, rushing towards the 
> fourth door on the right. Matsuro leapt 
> out from the third door on the left, 
> surprising the scientist, who was 
> forced to go through the second door on 
> the right, Matsuro ran after him. 

Mark: So, Matsuro went in there, but exited...(cross-eyed) Ohmigod, now I got my 
      eyes crossed.
Zeek: You shouldn't have followed the characters so closely.
R. Jak: I forgot. Was there a point to this?

> Tejina stepped out of the second door 
> on the left and bumped into Becky who 
> had emerged from the door facing her. 
> Matsuro ran out of the third door on 
> the right, being chased by the 
> scientist, he ducked into the fourth 
> door on the left. 

(Zeek and Mark are busy calculating figures. R. Jak has got out a pad of paper 
and is keeping track.)

> Becky and Tejina 
> looked at each other, and then 
> shrugged, leaving through the second 
> door on the left and right 
> respectively. The scientist slipped out 
> of the fourth door on the right and 
> tried to sneak out of the corridor, but 
> was surprised as Becky jumped out from 
> the first door on the right, forcing 
> him to run into the third door on the 
> right, closely followed by Becky. 

zero: Anyone know what's going on?
Mark, Zeek: No.
zero: Thought so.
R. Jak: You know, this chase is eerily similar to a Fritz Fraundorf combat 
        sequence. 

> Matsuro stepped out from the third door 
> on the right, closed the door and 
> waited for someone to come out of the 
> one of the other doors. He was hit in 
> the face by the fourth door on the 
> right as the Scientist shoved it open 
> and ran across the corridor to the 
> fourth door on the left, closely 
> pursued by Tejina. 

Mark: We ARE gonna comment on this, right?
zero: No rush.

> Rubbing his nose a 
> bit, Matsuro followed Tejina. Becky 
> rushed out of the second door on the 
> left, followed by Tejina, both leaving 
> through the first door on the right. 

(R. Jak's eyes twitch a little bit.)
Mark: (nudging R. Jak) You okay?
R. Jak: Fine. Never better. (snickers) 

> The scientist stepped out of the fist 
> door on the left, only to collide with 
> General Vuudu who had stepped out of 
> the first door on the right. Vuudu 
> apologised 

Mark: [Vuudu] The Author made me do this cameo.
Zeek: [Vuudu] I really didn't want to be here.

> and disappeared in a burst 
> of fortune cookies. Becky, Matsuro and 
> Tejina stepped out of the fourth, third 
> and second door on the right 
> respectively and looked down to the 
> Scientist, who then rushed though the 
> first door on the right, followed by 
> Tejina, Matsuro and Becky. 

(R. Jak starts snickering a bit louder and maniacally. zero slowly moves a bit 
away from him.)

> The fourth 
> door on the right opened and Becky, the 
> scientist and Matsuro ran out, being 
> chased by Tejina as they all ran 
> through the second door on the right. 
> Matsuro rushed into the corridor from 
> the fourth door on the right, Tejina 
> from the first door on the left, Becky 
> from the first door on the right, the 
> Scientist from the third door on the 
> right and Tejina from the fourth door 
> on the left.

(R. Jak starts shaking violently. He starts cackling.) 
Zeek: Uh...Mister Jak?
R. Jak: Must...hurt...mwahahahaha...

> The Do-Gooders rushed at 
> the scientist, who leapt through the 
> second door on the left. The Scientist 
> dashed through the third door on the 
> right, towards the third on the left, 
> closely followed by Becky, Matsuro and 
> Tejina. Tejina stopped in the middle of 
> the corridor, and spend a few seconds 
> looking thoughtful. Something was 
> bothering her... 

Mark: Same here.
(R. Jak roots around in his trenchcoat and withdraws a small rocket launcher.)
R. Jak: Scuse me a moment. (He walks off)

> This train of thought 
> was diverted when the Scientist ran 
> straight past her from the second door 
> on the right to the second on the left, 
> she ran after him. 

Mark: (looks at the audience) If you're still able to follow this, you're better 
                              than I am.
Zeek: Who do you keep talking to anyway?
Mark: Hopefully, not someone riffing our riffing.
*crashing sound*
Evil Kate (VO): How many fourth walls do you have in this theater anyway?

> Becky jumped out 
> from the fourth door on the left, 
> brandishing her gun, after she 
> remembered her ammoless situation she 
> ran up to the third door on the left. A 
> young man wearing a backpack with an 
> umbrella on top stepped out of the 
> second door on the right. He looked 
> around quizzically, 

Mark: [Ryouga] Damn! I've wandered into some bad fanfiction.
(There is a loud explosion from the back.)
R. Jak: (offscreen) DIE, evil soda machine!
Mark, Zeek, and zero: Uh oh.

> consulted his map 
> and opened the first door on the left. 
> After allowing the Scientist, Becky and 
> Matsuro to dash past him into the first 
> door on the right, he left through the 
> door. Becky ran out of the second door 
> on the left, carrying Tejina on her 
> back, closely followed by the 
> Scientist. 

(There is another loud explosion.)
Mark: Should we be checking on him?
Zeek: YOU check on him. He's got a rocket launcher.
(Another loud explosion, followed by R. Jak's loud cackling.)
Mark: (sweatdrops) On second thought, Jak can take care of himself.

> Becky turned around and 
> looked at the scientist, looking a bit 
> puzzled. Matsuro ran in behind the 
> scientist, knocking them all into the 
> second door on the right. Tejina 
> stepped out from the fourth door on the 
> right, Matsuro from the third on the 
> left, the Scientist from the second on 
> the right and Becky from the first on 
> the left. 

R. Jak: (offscreen) Ha HA! Death to the roast peanuts!
(Another loud explosion.)

> Everyone ran for the opposite 
> ends of the corridor, resulting in an 
> almighty collision in the centre of the 
> room.

(The riffers applaud.)
Mark: Finally, that scene was over!
Zeek: Yeah, that was soo much a pain to read. 
(R. Jak, a bit normal now, peeks his head in.)
R. Jak: It's over?
Mark: Yeah.
R. Jak: Oh, good. (tosses his smoking rocket launcher to Zeek) By the way, you 
        might want to wait a few minutes before you go back into the lobby. 
        Needs to...cool down.

> After the dust had settled, the 
> Scientist was lying on his back with 
> Matsuro's sword across his neck. "Urk." 
> Said the scientist. "So, what now?" 
> Asked Tejina. 

zero: [Becky] We go through that sequence again.
(zero finds R. Jak's rocket launcher pointing at him.)
zero: Kidding! Just kidding! 

>"We should call the 
> police of course." Stated Becky. "But 
> how?" Asked Matsuro. "The phone lines 
> are down."

Mark: [Tejina] Well, then, pick them up.
(Mark gets thwapped on the head by zero.)

> *

Mark: Mmm...asterisks.
R. Jak: Really? Where's Obelisks?
Zeek: (rolls eyes) Honestly...
R. Jak: Sorry. Couldn't help it.

> About 20 metres down the road from the 
> house was a public telephone. "Now how 
> could we have missed that?" Asked Keiko 
> rhetorically. Hanaki shrugged. "This 
> sort of thing happens. When ever you 
> need it lightning dramatically 
> silhouettes creepy mansions, but it 
> never seems to dramatically silhouette 
> phone boxes." 

zero: [Hanaki] It's better that way. Trust me. 

> She noted, turning to the 
> camera, "But then if it did it wouldn't 
> be as much fun for them." 

Zeek: (stands up) You think this is fun?
Mark: Easy, easy.
zero: No, no. She was talking to us, so it wouldn't have been as much fun 
      for...the cast?

>[Let it 
> slide] Thought Tejina. [You can ignore 
> it this time...]

Mark: [Tejina, thinking] Just keep telling yourself that when she becomes a 
                         certified loony, you'll have her karaoke machine.

> *
> 
> "Well kids..." Began the police 
> officer, shading his eyes from the 
> early morning sunlight, 

zero: That or the blinding afterglow of...
R. Jak: zero...
zero: Yes?
R. Jak: Don't. 

> "...you 
> certainly did well capturing this mad 
> scientist." Concluded the policeman, 
> looking over to the tied up criminal on 
> the ground next to him. "But who is 
> he?" asked Keiko. "That's easy to find 
> out." Tejina reached over, grabbed the 
> top of the scientist's head and pulled. 

Zeek: RRRRIIIP!
Mark: [Hanaki] Tejina, you put his head back on this instant! 

> Everyone gasped as a mask was removed 
> from his head. "It's..." began Hanaki, 
> who stopped. "Er... who are you?" 
> "Don't you remember?" asked the 
> unmasked man. "It's me! Jack, The used 
> car salesman!" 

All: Ah...
Zeek: Who?
R. Jak: I don't remember that part.
zero: Mr. Knht was zapping people with his Pokemon when that part was showing.
R. Jak: Oh. 

> "What are you doing 
> here?" asked Kireiko. "Of course!" Said 
> Tejina, realisation dawning on her 
> face. "By setting up this mansion in 
> the middle of nowhere next to a 
> treacherous road, Jack could cause 
> several car crashes and sell the cars 
> to people in San Francisco! 

Mark: All together now...
All: WHY?!?

> That 
> explains the keys we found in the 
> drawer." "Ahem." said Aki. "Oh yeah," 
> Admitted Tejina "and there was the 
> whole rain machine thing, but we put a 
> stop to that." Jack scowled. "And I 
> would've gotten away with it if 

R. Jak: DON'T SAY IT!

> it 
> weren't for you blasted meddling kids! 

(R. Jak takes out his rocket launcher and aims it at the screen.)
Evil Kate (VO): That could jeapordize your chances of leaving here alive, 
                y'know.
R. Jak: ...
(He puts it away.)

> And your drunken cat!" 

Zeek: I thought it was a stoned cat. =*..*= mmmmeeeeooooooowwwwwwllll...

> "Wait a 
> minute... That lab must have cost a 
> fortune!" noted Keiko. "Your point 
> being?" 

zero: [Keiko] No point. I just hadn't said anything for a while.

> "Well you must have had plenty 
> of money to begin with, why spend it on 
> the lab just for your mad scheme?" 
> "Er... I'm sure there was a good 
> reason..." 

Zeek: [Jack] I hadda fill up my talk quota.

> "Yeesh! You must have no 
> grasp of basic 

Mark: Logic?

>economics!" "Ah yes, 
> that was it!" What followed was a 
> facefault that could've sunk the west 
> coast below the sea. 

Zeek: But didn't, to our chagrin.
zero: [Jack] That's it! HAHAHA! I shall build a machine to harness the power of 
             facefaulting, and with it, I shall make my Nevada property 
             BEACHFRONT!

> "Say, has anyone 
> seen Becky?"

Zeek: Yes, but you don't wanna...
zero: I don't know, I wouldn't mind...

> *
> 
> Becky stood back, watching as a 
> policeman went off to find towing 
> service to remove the van from the 
> ditch. BA-3 picked up the receiver from 
> the pay phone and dialled a secret code 
> into it. "Camelot? 

Mark: [Person on the other line] Sorry, the number you have dialed was cut off.

> This is the Spanish 
> inquisition; the parrot is dead, 
> proceeding to cheese shop." said Becky.

Mark: [Becky] I'm out of limburger.
R. Jak: [Person on the other line] Who are you and why are you repeating 
                                   snatches of Monty Python skits?
Zeek: [Becky] Who are YOU!?!
R. Jak: NOONE EXPECTS THE SPAMMISH INDECISION!
zero: [Cardinal Fang] Our chief weapons are fear, e-mail, fanatical... um 
                      fanaticism, and the CAPS LOCK KEY!

> "Good work, was there much resistance 
> here?" "No once expected me." "Spanish 
> Inquisition, has there been any 
> evidence of your detection?" "Relax. 
> Nobody

Mark: [Becky]...could tell I was a detective. I mean REALLY now.

> knows I'm here." Said Becky, 
> before she hung up. "KA-BOOM!" said the 
> van, as it was blown up. "Damn." said 
> Becky, 

zero: [Becky] I'm still in this fanfic.

> after the dust settled.

Zeek: Someone had to unsettle the dust again.

> *
> 
> "Did you hear something?" asked 
> Kireiko. "Methinks t'was probably just 
> merely the climatic movement of air." 
> "Probably. By the way that's a rather 
> neat Ayame impersonation." 

zero: Yes, and don't do it again.

> "Thanks." 
> said Hanaki, turning back to Tejina's 
> conversation. "So do we get any sort of 
> reward for this?" asked Tejina 
> excitedly.

zero: Hey, I just noticed something. When did this fic stop capitalising things 
      after quotes?

"Well let's see..." Began 
> Officer Dabble, "...you went through 
> his stuff, stole food from his fridge, 
> turned his drawer lock to jello, beat 
> up his butler 

Mark: [Police officer] ...wore his pajamas, kicked his dog, made some crank 
                       calls...
Zeek: [Police officer] ...starred in bad fanfiction, walked around in skirts 
                       short enough to be bikinis...
R.Jak: [Police officer] ...gave several readers acute cases of terminal boredom, 
                        killed several more through forced nosebleeding...
zero: [Police officer] ...two dozen eggs, a container of milk, and a stick-- 
                       whoops, that was my grocery list.
All: And above all, TOO MUCH SINGING!

> and broke into his lab... 
> You're looking at a long time in 
> prison..." Tejina sweatdropped, as 
> Becky stepped up behind the officer and 
> tapped him on the shoulder. "Excuse me 
> sir, could you look at this pen 
> please?" FLASH

Zeek: I never knew Becky was like that. (facepalms) Should have, though.
Mark: Wally West agreed to star in this fic? What has Mark Waid done?! NOOOO!!
R.Jak: o/~ Flash! Aaah! Savior of the universe! o/~
zero: (to Becky) Use it on me! Make me forget this...thing!

> *
> 
> The problems had started early in the 

zero: ...fanfic.

> design process. Balin had wanted a 
> simple rectangular swimming pool, Bjorn 
> had wanted a circular one, Gimlat had 
> wanted a one shaped like a guitar and 
> Bomur had wanted a simple rectangular 
> one... With pink and orange tiles. 

zero: And Gandalf simply wanted a pony.

> A 
> compromise had been reached, and there 
> was a strangely shaped depression 
> taking shape in the corner. 

Zeek: o/~ In the spotlight, losing its religion... o/~

> Apart from 
> those not watching in a state of 
> immense amusement, there were about 
> eighty other dwarves engaged in various 
> acts around Matsuro's apartment, mostly 
> involving

zero: ...being stacked on top of each other. The apartment isn't -that- big.

> drinking, and the occasional 
> brawl. 

R. Jak: And the occasional game of Taboo.

> The noise was horrendous to 
> someone who wasn't accustomed to such 
> parties. Some of Matsuro's neighbours 
> had come round to complain, but had 
> somehow been drawn into the strangely 
> mesmerising conga line that extended 
> through the party. 

Mark: Let that be a lesson. Never get into a conga line.
Zeek: [Dwalin] Let's see. Enchant Conga Line...

> Over in the corner, 
> some dwarves and one middle aged human 
> were watching a video Gimlat had 
> brought round. "I have a cunning plan!" 
> declared the character on screen as he 
> unveiled his latest invention. "And it 
> involves the red button of Mass 
> Destruction!" 

Zeek: They forgot the Big Red Button That Really Doesn't Do Anything, I guess.

> The dwarves cheered and 
> took four sips from their ale. Akemi 
> smiled with glee. "When's that pool 
> going to be finished?" she shouted 
> across the room. "When it's done!" Came 
> the answer. 

R. Jak: Am I the only one to recognize that line from "The Agony and the 
        Ecstacy"?
Zeek, Mark, and zero: Yes.

> One of the dwarves nudged 
> Akemi. "So how's your son?" "Oh he's 
> probably in LA now. He'll be ok."

Zeek: Sorry. I've been to LA. The two statements are mutually exclusive.

>On screen, a song and dance routine began. 
> And there was much rejoicing.

All: (deadpan) Yay.

> *
> 
> "Where are they?" growled Aki, scanning 
> the crowds for signs of her live-in 

Mark: ...lovers?

> protectors, as did the rest of her 
> group. "There they are." said Hanaki, 
> pointing over to one of the gates, to 
> which the travellers proceeded. "BE 
> SAVED FROM VILLYN'S WRATH!" boomed the 
> Blank Psychic. "TAKE A LEAFLET AND JOIN 
> THE RANKS OF HIS ARMY!" 

Zeek: Feel the wrath of the telemarketers...

> Unsurprisingly 
> enough the minion hadn't had much 
> success, he had only managed to give 
> leaflets to a few origami enthusiasts 
> and one person who the Blank Psychic 
> thought looked a bit crazy. 

Mark: And if the Blank Psychic thought you were crazy... (shakes head) I don't 
      want to imagine.

>"AKI-SAMA!" 
> he shouted in joy as he saw Aki and 
> stood to attention in her presence. 
> "Er, right." said Aki, drawing a few 
> stares from people. 

R. Jak: You get the feeling the author has a low opinion of Californians? These 
        two are camped out in the airport, and -Aki- is attracting attention.

"Could you wait 
> outside?" "At once!" He declared, 
> speeding off in the direction of the 
> exit. "What about him?" asked Keiko, 
> referring to the tent.

zero: [Aki] Oh we're taking him. We have to get this lunatic out of him first, 
though.

> Aki sighed and 
> leaned down to speak into the fabric. 

zero: [Aki] Incoming!
R. Jak: [Camper] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

> "Camper?" "Aki-sama?" "Yes, it's me." 
> "Really?" The Quake Camper opened the 
> end of his tent and stuck his head out, 
> a smile on his face. "Could you 

zero: [Camper]...wait a moment? I have a, umm, guest inside. (Winks.)

> come 
> out of there so you can protect me?" 
> The Quake Camper hesitated, Los Angeles 
> was known for it's catastrophic 
> earthquakes and he didn't want to get 
> caught in one... but Aki's safety was 
> at stake. "Hai Aki-sama." The Quake 
> Camper collapsed his tent and packed 
> away his stuff, seeming to put ten 
> times as much stuff in there as it 
> could possibly hold. This show of 
> unexplainable powers earned a round of 
> applause from a crowd of passing 
> travellers. The Quake Camper bowed, 
> almost falling over from the weight of 
> his pack. "I'm ready." stated the loyal 
> minion. "Right, lets go!" Declared 
> Tejina.
> 
> WHAT WILL OUR HEROES DO IN L.A.? 

Mark: Will they be hired by the local porn industry?
Zeek: (starts to draw his sword, then pauses) You know, I could see that 
                                              happening.

> WHERE ELSE WILL THEY GO? 

R. Jak: Will they sell several members into prostitution?

> WHAT WILL HAPPEN AT 
> THE PARTY?

zero: What? What party?

> JUST HOW BADLY WRITTEN WAS 
> THIS? 

Zeek: Very bad.
Mark: I give it one star. (Others look at him. Mark shrugs.) Well, he kept 
      giving himself one anyway.

> WHAT ELSE WILL HAPPEN IN THE NEXT 
> EPISODE OF: ***THE DO-GOODERS WORLD 
> TOUR***?

Zeek: Mass suicide?
zero: Full frontal nudity?
Zeek: (to zero) You're lucky this is about over...
Mark: Well, seeing as there won't be any more episodes... (grins) We don't care!

> Author's notes: It's finished! Finally. 

R. Jak: Whee...

> Sorry this took so long but at least 
> it's done eh? Send your C&C to 
> Eslington@bigfoot.com Did you guess 
> that the Scientist was Jack? 

Zeek: If so, you need help.

> If you 
> read through this again you might be 
> able to spot the hints scattered 
> throughout this fic. 

Mark: I wouldn't read this again even if you paid me.

> Anyway, I'd like to thank the Roe 

R. Jak: Not just any Roe, but -the- Roe.

> and 
> Delfina for encouragement, small bits 
> of proof reading and some genuinely 
> good ideas:

zero: Obviously not used in this fic.

> I'd also like to give a little credit 
> to the folks on the DGML who inspired 
> the whole World Tour idea, 

zero: And a pox on them from us.

> and the 
> following people for proof reading the 
> final version: Philip "This fic lends 
> itself well to lemon adaptation." 

R. Jak: I hate you, Philip.

> Barkow Jonatan "Too much H annoys me" 
> Streith. 

(All look at the sentence.)
Zeek: (points) He's talking about our Jonatan?
Mark: Seems like it.
Zeek: Doesn't read like it.
R.Jak: Maybe he changed?
Zeek: Really, now. Is he talking about Jonatan? The Jonatan in the other 
      theater?
zero: Will you cut that out?
R. Jak: I'm gonna have a long talk with Jon.

> Omi "Did somebody say jello?" 
> No Miko
> 
> And another BIG "thank you" to Omi No 
> Miko for agreeing to write the next 
> part!

Mark: So what happened?
Zeek: She must have come to her senses and stopped.
zero: Still another "thank you" to her for failing to write it.

> Matsuro: Help...

(The Theater door opens.)
Zeek: Fat chance, bishounen boy. You're on your own. (Gets up and leaves.)
zero: Hey, wait for us! (Others follow.)

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

"It's over," Zeek sighed blissfully. "Finally.  At least it wasn't a lemon... 
and if I get reminded of SF vs MK again..." He shook his head.

"I never knew you actually watched that, Zeek," Mark said, sympathetically. "If 
we knew, we'd have been a bit nicer."

"Sirs, I hate to interrupt, but the doors are still locked," Scott observed.

"What?!" zerosum ran up and tugged on the doors for a few minutes. "You're 
right. Is she just going to keep us all in here?"

"Not prolbem," Mr. Knht answered. "I just teleprot all you."

Once again, the entire group facefaulted.

"You could teleport *all along* and you just stayed here?!" R. Jak asked 
incredulously.

"How you think I get her in the first plae?" Mr. Knht answered.

"Uh, wait..." NeoVid began. "I can teleport between dimensions, and I couldn't-" 
The other MSTers shut him up before he could poke any more holes in their shaky 
premise.

The main screen lit up once more. "Oh ye of little faith," Evil Kate said 
mockingly. 

"Want a cookie?" Echo quoted.

Evil Kate bapped him with her lance and continued. "Of course I still want you 
here. I want as many people as possible to witness my grand triumph over 
Mewtwo."

"You know, I never thought I'd be cheering for Mewtwo," Kate remarked.

Evil Kate glared at her. "Oh, *you're* not coming. You're staying here as a 
hostage to insure their good behavior during the fight."

Kate sighed. "Blast. Well, here's hoping you won't spontaneously combust or 
something, then."  She grinned.

Evil Kate let out an exasperated cry and turned back to the theater. "And just 
for the heck of it, we'll hold this fight in script format," Evil Kate added 
before departing to get ready.

"But I'm allergic to script format," NeoVid whined.

Jonatan scowled. "Don't you go to script format as soon as you start all your 
own MSTs?"

"Yeah," NeoVid said.  "I just wanted to be irritating."

"You needn't bother..." Jonatan casually tossed the last empty can into a 
corner. "Now I need something to wash away that taste. Hmm..."

Echo blinked. "I guess this means I'm referee. Okay, if you'll all hang on a 
minute, I think I can get the transporters ready."

The eight riffers vanished.

"I'll be damned. It worked."

*****

A few minutes later, a fireball blew out on of the air duct coverings in the 
projection room.  Skribulous, in chibi-dragon form, flew out of the vent and 
landed inside.

The little SD-Godzilla/Dragonite/Shen Long hybrid dramatically held up a sign 
proclaiming, "Hah! Now I'll stop you!" before realizing that Evil Kate wasn't 
there anymore.

"Skrib! Am I ever glad to see you!" Kate cried. "Help me get out of here, and 
then we'll..."

"We'll what?" Chibi-Skrib signed, a leer on his face. h_h

Kate took the sign and bapped him with it.

@_@

*****

[Camera fades from black onto a shot of a large arena-ish construct, done in 
marble. Large pillars hold the roof up, except for where the large skylight is, 
displaying the glories of the night sky. The skylight resides directly over the 
open area at the center of the construct, where the familiar lines of a pokemon 
arena can be seen. The masses of spectators lining the grandstands wonder who 
the hell made *stone seating*, and grimace accordingly. Down in the climate-
controlled--

MARK: Meaning the--

(NeoVid nudges him)

NEOVID: The riffing's over now. This is the fight introduction. Quit that.

MARK: Whoops, sorry I interrupted.

--extra-comfy VIP section, our group of heroes are sitting, busy consuming 
beverages and nachos, next to people such as Kyo Kusanagi, Ryu Hayabusa, Squall 
Leonheart, Geese Howard, a couple of members of Shin-Ra Electric, Kefka, and 
Leonardo Decaprio. A meteor happens to hit Kyo and Leonardo, but no one cares.]

MARK: (looking up) Daaaaaaaaang, that's one long introduction.

ZERO: Shut up and pass the Snorlax kebabs. 

JON: Aah, script format. Refreshing. Nothing beats it.

R. JAK: Yes. Frees up the need for stage direction. (looks around) Anyone see 
the ring card girl?

[The group lapses into silence, waiting for the show to begin. And it does. The 
camera focuses on the center of the arena's ring, where a 20ish male is holding 
a microphone.]

ECHO: Hi guys.

[Chorus of unenthusiastic 'hi's. NeoVid boos and throws stuff for the heck of 
it.]

ECHO: Well, Good evening, and welcome to the arena. Tonight we're here for a 
fight...

MR KHNT: Really? I never think that those time.

ECHO: ...as I expect you've guessed, and...

NEOVID: GET ON WITH IT, YOU GIMP!

[Echo flicks a switch on the side of his microphone.]

ECHO: [Incredibly Loud] SHUT UP!!!! [Normal] Thank you.

NEOVID: [Very faint] Bite me.

ECHO: Anyway, the fight of the millenium (which isn't over yet) is about to be 
held here! I am your host and referee, Echo Albarn, and let's introduce our two 
fighters...

First, our challenger, from the Greater Maryland Cloning Facility, known for her 
quick wit and quicker lance, weighing in at...

[Echo gives the crowd a *look*]

ECHO: [muttering] Never ask a woman her weight...
[normal] uh... oh, forget it.

[Echo takes a deep breath]

ECHO: EVIL! KATE! MALLOY!

[Evil Kate approaches the arena, dragoon-jumps into the ring, and begins 
polishing her lance. Assorted cheering is heard as the camera points out several 
villians in the VIP section, jumping up and down and yelling for Kate.]

MR. KNHT: Spoony bard! 

ECHO: And our champion, from the mysterious laboratories of the Pokemon 
universe, known for humiliating all his opponents other than Mew... weighing in 
at se-ven-ty-nine and three-tenths pounds... [another deep 
breath]...MEWWWWWW...TWO!

[More assorted cheering. Mewtwo hovers across the floor to his designated end, 
much less silently than most of the people familiar with his character would 
have expected...]

MEWTWO: >I am Mewtwo-uh! I am the most powerful Pokémon in history-uh! I could 
beat this 'Evil Kate' with both paws behind my back-uh! Even standing here 
looking like I'm doing nothing-uh!<

MARK: (shocked) We're supposed to cheer for HIM? He isn't even in character!

NEOVID: Quit the fourth wall breakages, will you?

ZEEK: I'm not sure, but in this situation, I hope the Pokemon gets roasted. 
Gotta kill 'em all.

[Echo, microphone still in hand, gestures for the fighters to come forward. As 
they arrive, he begins to reel off the rules of the fight.]

ECHO: The rounds will be....um, until one of you is done for. There are no 
rules, as you are both evil.

[Echo clicks the microphone off for a moment.]

ECHO: Just don't hurt me.

[mike on]

ECHO: And now, if you're ready, you can glare at each other evilly in 
splitscreen that saves the nonexistant animators several thousand dollars and 
begin the match!

[Somewhere, a bell chimes.]

ECHO: FIGHT!

[Evil Kate immediately takes off, jumping out of sight. Mewtwo follows, hovering 
slowly.]

JON: Hey, that's no good! We have to see! (looks over at the back rows) Never 
mind.

[Echo, meanwhile, makes his way over to a strange-looking control panel of 
sorts. He pulls a big blue lever. A steel cage drops from the ceiling, forching 
Evil Kate and Mewtwo back down to ring level.]

EVIL KATE: Hey, no fair!

ZEEK: *She's* complaining about fair?

ECHO: Sorry, boss, but we have to give the audience what they want, right?

[Evil Kate grumbles a little, then points her lance at Mewtwo.]

EVIL KATE: You're going down!

[She charges Mewtwo, flailing her lance all the way. Mewtwo zips to one side, 
dodging it easily.]

MEWTWO: >You thought you had a chance-uh!? I'm more than you can handle-uh!<

NEOVID: [twitch] Pokelemon flashback...

R. JAK: Well, this is fun. How are you liking this, Jon? (pauses) Jon? [He looks 
over and does a double take]

JON: [Now with a rather cute, pink-haired girl with a driver's cap sitting in 
his lap, and pouring him a drink] Ah, quality entertainment.

GIRL: But you're not watching the fight.

JON: Who said anything about the fight? [sips from his glass] Did you bring the 
car?

GIRL: It's in the back.

NEOVID: You like to indulge, don't you?

JON: Oh yes.

[Meanwhile...]

EVIL KATE: Okay, that's it! TORNADO!

[A whirwind springs up in the cage, catching both Evil Kate and Mewtwo.]

ZERO: Oh, great, we can't see again.

MARK: You seem a bit upset by this, zero.

ECHO: Don't look at me. Any ideas, Thinker-clone?

[MR. KNHT whacks ECHO]

MR. KNHT: Prease get tought in ya thick skurr. I not THINKER!

R. JAK: Excuse me. I have to go to the...erm...bathroom. 

SCOTT: Get some Goobers on the way up.

R. JAK: Uh...sure. [He steps over a few dignitaries and goes to the back of the 
stadium.]

*****

[Meanwhile, up in the rafters...]

KATE: It figures. She's just like every other villain I've ever written. 
Egotistical and short-tempered.

SKRIB: And this is different from you how?

KATE: [baps Skrib] Watch it, dragon. Okay, wait for my signal...

*****

[Inside the cage, the whirlwind has died down. Evil Kate has the point of her 
lance pressed against Mewtwo's torso. He, in turn, has a nasty-looking psychic 
bolt in one hand, ready to let fly.]

ECHO: It's a John Woo standoff!

NEOVID: Thank you, Mr. Pointer-Out-Of-The-Obvious.

[Echo glares at NeoVid.]

EVIL KATE: Okay, clone-kitty. It's either you or me, so...

VOICE: ULTIMATE REVENGE STRIKE!

[Several things happen at once. A huge golden dragon swoops down from the 
ceiling, knocking the cage aside. A young woman, armed with a large glowing 
purple mallet, jumps from the dragon's back and lands in the arena. She whacks 
Mewtwo and Evil Kate over their heads with the mallet, temporarily stunning 
them.]

KATE: Nothing can stand in the way of the Okay Mallet!

SCOTT: [muttering] That's for sure...

ECHO: Oh no! We got new people in the ring!

[Kate and Skrib, quickly morphing to chibi form, wave to the audience.]

KATE: [cheerfully] Hi, guys! Did you miss me?

SD-SKRIB: [raising sign] Random Plot Twist for hire: email maramala@hotmail.com 
for details. 

MR. KNHT: That was too Thinkerish, even for me.

[Meanwhile, both Evil Kate and Mewtwo have recovered and are glaring at the back 
of Kate's head.]

SD-SKRIB: [raising sign] Um, behind you, Kate.

[Kate whirls around.]

KATE: Oh. Hi there. [sweatdrops]

EVIL KATE: You. Die.

MEWTWO: >You are SO screwed-uh!<

[Kate turns back to the audience.]

KATE: Um... a little help here, guys?

JON: That's enough of a distraction. Let's scoot.

GIRL: But what about her? [points at Kate]

ZERO: She's a good-looking girl who made the mistake of getting involved. What 
else about her?

[Skrib spots the pink-haired girl. He growls, growing to his kaiju form.] 

SKRIB: [growling] Pink hair... must kill...

[There is a loud rumbling from outside, then a loud whine of turbines.]

MR. KNHT: What in brazes...?

[Suddenly, a large mechanized walker crashes through the domed ceiling and lands 
in the ring, landing full force onto Skrib before he can lunge towards Jon. The 
crowd is predictably shocked.]

EVIL KATE: ...whoah.

KATE: Lovely.  She's channeling Keanu now.

[The cockpit of the walker flips up, revealing R. Jak, who looks around 
innocently.]

R. JAK: Sorry. I just found this in the parking lot and I couldn't resist. Vouch 
for me, will ya? [He looks down.] Oh crap. Sorry, Skrib.

SKRIB: [groaning, pulls out a sign] 'salright...

JON: [to the girl] ...I think she's in good hands. [to the rest of the gang] 
Bye, guys! [sneaks away, the girl in tow]

SCOTT: That's... huh.

SKRIB: [raising sign] Get you asses back here so I can kick it! [turns over 
sign] After I get out of here...

ZEEK: Forget Evil Kate for now.  Kill the large rodent!

MR. KNHT: I acumpany ya, buddy. [Both teleport into the ring, weapons in hand]

MARK: [Turns to Scott, NeoVid and Zero] You want to get involved?

SCOTT: Sorry. I haven't got my Goobers yet.

NEOVID: I'm a Mewtwo fan anyway.

ZERO: Feh. Like I really want to get involved in a melee with this group. 
[Slouches down further in his seat and folds his hands in front of his mouth]

MARK: Oh, good. I thought I was the only one. [Settles back in his seat] Anyone 
want some Fried Magikarp?

[Echo recovers himself and gets the mike]

ECHO: We seem to have a correction in the fight card. We have a Winner-take-all 
match between the team of Evil Kate Malloy and Mewtwo and the team of Good Kate, 
a chibified dragon, two guys in weird clothes, and what looks to be... a Vulture 
heavy-class 'Mech!

R. JAK: [patting the dashboard] Just call him "Orcrist".

KATE: You are a very, VERY strange person.

R. JAK: Danke. [He gets back into the cockpit and gets off the flattened Skrib, 
who is rather dazed at the moment]

EVIL KATE: Because we're such Evil Villains, we'll let you heroes indulge in 
your opening speeches of fighting evil in the name of love and justice like the 
typical cliches that we tend to act in. 

KATE: Well that's nice of-- 

[Evil Kate Dragoon Jumps.] 

KATE: --eep. 

[Everyone gets out of the way as Evil Kate descends, her lance forming a crater 
as it impacts the floor.] 

MR. KNHT: Taht's it, Eivl Kate... Skribulous, I choose you! VOMIT FLAME! 

SKRIB: Hey! I'm not a pokemon! 

MARK: Sure fooled me. 

SKRIB: I'll remember that crack. >_< 

MARK: [smug] Now we're even. 

MEWTWO: >Foolish.< [Charges up a psychic ball] 

NEOVID: Hey! Mewtwo's in character. 

[Mewtwo releases telekinetic balls of force towards the other fighters in the 
ring.] 

MEWTWO: >Now I show you-uh!< >That I am the GREATEST-uh!< 

ZERO: ...Or not. 

ECHO: And the FIGHT is ON! 

[Our band of heroes traded blasts with the telekinetic pokemon and the Evil 
Clone Girl. The two sides are evenly matched... so far. Unfortunately for our 
heroes, at some point Evil Kate was able to take control of R.Jak's mecha and 
turn the tide of battle.

Don't you just wish there was more description so that the fight scene would be 
more exciting?

Well, tough.]

MARK: Man, they're in real trouble now. I wish we could think of something... 

[At this point, Signus Megido walks down the aisle towards Mark.] 

SIG: Poa. 

MARK: Huh? [turns around] Hey, Sig! 

NEOVID: Fancy meeting you here, Siggy boy! 

SIG: Don't. Call. Me. That. [Watches the brawl] So that's what Skrib was up to. 
[shakes head, grumbling] Baka baka.  Skrib no baka. 

ZERO: Um, Nadesico ref? 

[Sig takes the Gameboy from Mark.] 

SIG: Excuse me. [shouting] HEY! THINKER! 

MR. KNHT: I NO THINKER! 

SIG: Whatever.  CATCH! [Throws Gameboy at Mr. Knht] 

MR. KNHT: Tanks!

[Thinker opens the Gameboy and releases Zapdos. The legendary pokemon rises like 
a... er, Phoenix.]

MR. KNHT: Zapds! Eletric attak, now!

[Zapdos fries Mewtwo with an attack. Mewtwo vibrates a bit and a teeny sound 
effect was heard.]

MEWTWO: >Curses< [Blasts another blue ball of flame at our heroes.]

MARK: Well that didn't work.

R.JAK: [Suddenly notices something] Hey, what's that thing you're holding?

ECHO: This? [Holds up a gadget that looks like a TV remote-control.] It's a 
sliding unit. I used it to summon Mewtwo here.

R.JAK: Give me that! [Snatches the timer from Echo.]

[R.Jak aims the timer at the area behind Mewtwo. A blue wormhole appears behind 
the pokemon.]

MEWTWO: >Noooooooo-uh!< [Mewtwo gets sucked into the wormhole.]

SCOTT: Well, that was anti-climatic.

NEOVID: There's still the Evil Clone Girl.

[Kate swings her mallet at Evil Kate, who unfortunately manages to dodge just in 
time. Kate's mallet ends up flattening Skrib's tail.]

KATE: Oops!  Sorry, Skrib!

SKRIB: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [lets loose a continuous fire stream from his mouth]

[The audience ducks to avoid being singed. The other combatant good guys aren't 
so lucky. The fire eventually activates the stadium's sprinkler systems. Evil 
Kate is drenched.]

MARK: I didn't know this place had a sprinkler system.

SCOTT: How come it didn't go off when the fireballs were being thrown?

NEOVID: Dramatic necessity. [The three nod. Signus facepalms.]

EVIL KATE: Noooooooo... I'm melting, I'm meeeltinggg...oh, what a world... what 
a
world...!

[Evil Kate melts, leaving a puddle of goo inside the dragoon armor.]

SIG: Now that was pretty anticlimatic. 

SKRIB: Ewwwww... hope she doesn't stain.

[Zeek unceremoniously dumps a glass of water on TV's Echo, snickering.]

ZEEK: Now you can melt with your mistress, and as for me, I'm outta here. [he 
vanishes.]

[ECHO, blinks, as if just waking up.]

ECHO: Um, where are we? What happened? Why am I drenched? I was just in the 
theatre, and... How the hell did we rebuild that set from EE into an arena? I'm 
confused. [leaves.] 

NEOVID: I hope we've learned a lesson from this. No matter how bad your 
doppelganger is, you can always get rid of them using a team effort. There is no 
enemy to big or small that can stand in the way of... 

MARK: Shut up, Vid. We're going home. [He drags NeoVid off. Stops.] Wait a 
minute, you're the teleporter here.  Teleport us away.

NEOVID: Not until you ask nicely.

MARK: You're just doing that to irritate me, right?

NEOVID: Yup. ^_^

MARK: Fine, I'll head out myself. [Walks off.]

NEOVID: Some people just can't take a little irritation. [Teleports away]

R. JAK: [looks at the puddle and smirks] What a senseless waste of human life...

SKRIB: And thus, after a hard and desperate battle, our victorious heroes-- 

SIG: Shut UP, Skrib. Let's get back to the Focal Point. 

SKRIB: Sure! (whispers conspiratorically at Kate) Do you know Siggy here likes 
you? 

KATE: ...What? 

SIG: [reddening a bit] Skrib... >_<

SKRIB: OKies! We're gone! 

[Skrib tears a hole in reality and enters. Signus follows a moment later after a 
brief glance towards Kate.] 

[Kate stares at the puddle of goo that is the remnants of her evil clone.]

KATE: Ergh... it's going to take me *forever* to clean this up.  I don't suppose 
you guys would-

[There is a loud whooshing sound, and when Kate looks over, there's nothing but 
a set of dust clouds where the rest of the group was standing.]

KATE: Yeah, *thanks*, guys. [sighs]  Not that I can blame them for wanting to 
get out of here after all this.  I wouldn't mind getting away for a while... [A 
lightbulb turns on over her head.  She looks up at it oddly.]  Okayyyy... But 
anyway, I have an idea...

*****

A little while later...

Kate was in her apartment, surrounded by suitcases.  A knock sounded on the 
door.

"C'mon in; it's unlocked!" she called.

Mark Poa stepped in.

"Thanks for coming on such short notice," Kate said.  "I'm really, really sorry 
about the evil clone thing."

"It's all right," Mark answered.  "I've pretty much recovered by now.  I think."

"I hate to ask another favor of you so soon," Kate continued.  "But I appreciate 
you agreeing to apartment-sit while I go on vacation for a while.  I promise 
I'll bring you back something extra nice.  And I'll send postcards, too!"  She 
tossed him the keys.  "If any of the other guys want to come over, they're 
welcome to.  Just try not to wreck the place too badly, okay?  Bye!"

She then dashed out the door, setting the land speed record for a young woman 
laden with suitcases.

"...what have I gotten myself into?" Mark asked.

*****

Sometime even later in the Theater of Pain...

A lone figure walked around the lobby.

"Oh, great, I think I'm lost." The figure looked around. "Maybe the exit is this 
way." He headed to the left.

[The end...for now.]

*****

[Or... is it?] 

*******

Authors' notes:

Jonatan:

Not only long, but pretty drawn out as well... my riffs were pretty delayed in a 
lot of cases. Damn RL... but now... onward to other, better things!

Oh, who am I kidding. We'll just do more MSTings. ^_^


Kate Malloy:

(checks calendar) Okay, this is only... ten months late? ^^;;;;;;  My apologies, 
all.  Still, it was fun, and I hope everybody enjoyed themselves.

Thinker, I had to cut out a few of your ending bits in order to get in the parts 
about my character leaving for vacation, which ties into a later MSTing.  Hope 
you don't mind too much.

Special thanks go to Mark Poa for some extra editing.

Of course, who's to say that the evil clone is really dead now?  They tend to be 
somewhat... resiliant in my experience. ^_~


Mark Poa:

That was one mighty loooong riffing! ^_^; Really looking forward to my chance at 
Mad. And since I didn't have a regular riffing style yet, I figured I ought to 
try "crazy semi-hentai mode" for this outing.


Mr. KNHT:

That was a FUN thing to do. My creator is please with the result of this. 

Dr. Thinker: You can said that again.

My creator is please with the result of this.
My creator is please with the result of this.

Dr. Thinker: It was just a paragah of speech, my Avator.

(sighs)

Signed
Mr. Knht & Dr. Thinker


NeoVid:
Boy, that thing was long. Much longer than when I just had to read through it. 
^_^ Anyway, with the way I was mostly trying to catch up during this MST, I 
wasn't at my usual level of absolute brilliance, but hey, it's cool. Now, must 
take time off to avoid burning out... 
-NeoVid


R. Jak:

This is my first MiSTing after the monster that was PJ's Nemesis, and I'm still 
carrying scars. Anyway, wacky story. It was very interesting that everybody got 
switched around a lot. Thanx to the new guys for getting into the spirit 
ofthings. 

See you next session. --RJ


TV's Echo's Experiment notes:

Ah, who am I kidding? I wasn't even here for most of this! I just chimed in 
where appropriate. It was fun being the second bananna, though. Well, it was fun 
when Evil Kate wasn't experimenting on me.

[Evil Echo enters the room, and grins evilly.]

Oh, bloody hell.


In the tradition of "Secret Worker", we have -- 
JOYRIDING RIFFER'S NOTES: 

Ayup, it's me, Skribulous! ^-^_v 
As you may have already noticed, I'm not in the riffer's lineup; why am I here? 
Well, it all started over a month ago when Jon (or was it 'Vid? I forgot ^^;;;) 
lamented on the lack of riffing. Out of sheer insanity (as if there was any 
surprise *there*), I jumped in. Wai! ^_^ 
Hope you had fun reading this MST as we had riffing the fic. Enjoy. 

<maramala@hotmail.com>