*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Indie Madnesse proudly presents: IMPROFICROAST: Improvisational MiSTing or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Come Up With Riffs In Two Days http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net Episode 006: Do-Gooders World Tour, Parts 1 and 2 With Pokemon OVA, Part 2 Team A Edition (1 of 2! Collect them all!) Participants: -Dr. Thinker/Mr. Knht (winkstwo@sssnet.com) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -Echo Albarn (echo_albarn@hotmail.com) Intro, Intermissions, Conclusion -Jonatan Streith (a99jonst@ida.his.se) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -Kate Malloy (kamalloy@home.com) Intro, Intermissions, Conclusion, Guest Villain, Editor -Mark Poa (markpoa@edsamail.com.ph) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion, Editing -NeoVid (neovid@hotmail.com) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -Ripper Jak (WYVERN5555@aol.com) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -Scott Schimmel (schimmel@voicenet.com) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -Signus Megido/Skribulous (maramala@hotmail.com) MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -Zeek Silverfire (twarner@erinet.com) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -zerosum (dugan@freeze.com) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* OBLIGITARY LEGAL BLAH MST3K & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Dr. Thinker, Echo Albarn, Jonatan Streith, Kate Malloy, Mark Poa, Mr. Knht, NeoVid, Ripper Jak, Scott Schimmel, Signus Megido, Skribulous, Zeek Silverfire, and zerosum are owned and copyrighted by their respective creators. Do-Gooders is an ImproFanfic work. ImproFicRoast is owned and copyrighted by Indie Madnesse. MISTING CLASSIFICATION [MST]: Meta-Misting - Misting Of A Misting, Or A Unusual Misting The misting was completely improvised; see the ImproFicRoast home page for more details. [NONE]: Era Unknown or Unspecified The cast and characters are completely independent of the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" Storyline. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* One week had passed since the Theater of Pain's showing of "Embryonic Eclipse." Since then, no one had ventured near it. If someone had, they would have observed strange noises coming from it - noises that sounded very much like hammering, sawing, and the like. But why on earth would someone be building something in the Theater of Pain? */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Mark Poa looked uncertainly at the note he'd received the previous day. "Mark," it read. "I've gotten into a bit of trouble and I really need your help! Please meet me in the lobby of the Theater of Pain. Signed, Kate." Although he didn't enjoy the thought of going to the Theater, he never could say "no" when a girl asked for help. He also figured he could trust Kate. After all, it was highly unlikely that this note was simply a lure to get him to the theater so he could watch more bad fanfiction. Right? Sighing, he pushed open the door to the Theater and walked in. NeoVid, R. Jak, and a guy dressed rather like a ninja were already waiting there. "Hey!" Mark waved. "You all got notes too?" R. Jak nodded. "Yeah. Figured I should come check it out. Oh, by the way, this is Zeek. He was here last week with some of the other guys." "There was a show last time?" Mark asked. "Yeah," added NeoVid. "Apparently, we missed a showing of a rather odd Sailor Moon fic." Zeek just nodded at Mark. Mark shuddered involuntarily at the thought of a Sailor Moon fic. "Good thing I was not here then," he remarked. "What's with the outfit?" he asked Zeek. NeoVid looked strangely (well, more than usual) at Zeek. "Dude... Nintendo completely ripped off your look." Zeek reached for his sword. "Who do you think I look like, exactly?" There was a pause. Mark frowned. "I dunno. He looks like Link." "Come on, he looks nothing like Link," NeoVid retorted. "It's more like Toad." "Toad?" Zeek growled, gripping his sword tightly now. "No, not Toad." NeoVid said, then thought. "I dunno. Maybe he looks like Higgins." "Higgins?" Mark said. "You mean that islander guy who runs around in his underwear throwing tomahawks and..." "No, sorry. Not Higgins. Uh... who was the guy in that game with those skateboarding guys?" "You mean Lester?" R. Jak suggested. "Yeah! Lester!" R. Jak and Mark took another look at Zeek, then stared back at NeoVid. "He doesn't look like Lester." Mark said softly. "I don't care," NeoVid said. "He looks like a Nintendo character. Can't put my finger on which one though." The door to the outside opened again, and another young man stepped in. He was brown-haired and dressed in black. The brown-haired guy glanced around the lobby, shrugged to himself, and waved. "Hi! I'm Jason, but you can call me zerosum." The group stared blankly at the newcomer, who cleared his throat nervously. "You got notes too?" zero offered. "It's a Goth," Mark whispered. "Maybe if we stay still, it'll go away." Neovid began to reply, but was interrupted by the arrival of yet another young man, this one blond and dressed in blue denim and a long cloak of constantly-shifting colors. The blond looked around. "Hmm... that's odd. I don't see her." R. Jak stared in horror at the new arrival. He then reached into his trenchcoat, produced a large baseball bat, and glowered. "Sorry, did I do something wrong?" The blond man said, sweat appearing on his brow. NeoVid frowned ominously. "Who might you be?" he asked. "I'm Scott Schimmel. Kate and I are old friends, and I got this note--" Scott held up his note. "Saying that she's in trouble? Yeah, we all got them too," NeoVid replied. "I'm NeoVid, and this is Zeek, Mark Poa, and goth boy zerosum. The guy about to beat you with the bat is Ryan Jakobi, better known as R. Jak." "Who said I was goth?" zerosum said indignantly. Everyone ignored him. R. Jak looked around nervously, and put the bat back in his trenchcoat. "I'm sorry. I thought you were Lief Garret for a moment." "Yes, quite." Scott smiled, inching his way far from him. zerosum blinked in confusion. "Anyway, you guys all got the same note? That's odd, 'cause mine says something about a new writer welcoming session." "Really?" asked Scott. "Mine says she wants to break my will by showing me bad fanfiction." "Hmmm... this seems suspicious," Zeek murmured. "I'm starting to have a real bad feeling about this," Mark noted. Suddenly, two things happened simultaneously. The first was that a strange person teleported into the theater lobby. The second was that the doors swung shut. "It's a trap!" cried Mark, Admiral Ackbar-style. "Gee," Scott drawled. "I didn't see that coming." R. Jak ran to the doors and tried to open them. "It's no good," he sighed dejectedly. In the meantime, NeoVid was staring at the newest arrival, dressed in a blue hat, red pants, and yellow shoes. He was holding something that looked rather like a GameBoy Color. "Yay, someone from the fifth dimension." He then blinked. "Why did I just say that?" "Okay, boy," R. Jak said, bat out again. "Who are you and why do you look like a fashion victim?" "I Mr. Knht," the new arrival said. "I from fifth dimension. Am happy happy happy to be here!" He smiled to the confused crowd. NeoVid narrowed his eyes. "You're Thinker, aren't you?" Mr. Knht shook his head. "Not Thinker. Definitly no Thinker." "Oh?" Zeek said. "Why'd you use broken English then?" Mr. Khnt paused. "Wel..." "Ask about the Pokemon Game Boy carrying case too, Vid." Mark said, pointing to a fanny pack on Knht's person. "Is coindicence, really!" Knht protested. "I come to see bad fanfciotion, no rite it!" zerosum groaned. "Oh, this is one of *those* places." "Okay Mister..." R. Jak paused. "How do you pronounce that again, Mr... uh..." "It's pronounced Cun-" WHAP "OW!" NeoVid ended. "Save it for the MSTing." Just then, the monitor lit up. Everyone turned to see... "Ooh, look! A sale at Sears!" Scott yelled gleefully. "That's the TV, dummy," Mark hissed. "Oh, sorry." Scott turned around with the group just in time to see an evil looking woman glowering at them. It took them a while to figure out the identity. "Kate!" Scott yelled. "What are you doing? And what are you wearing?" The girl on the monitor certainly looked like Kate, but she was dressed like Queen Uzume. "Not Kate, my dear friend. Magic Emperor... oh, wait, wrong game," ?Kate? said. "Well, it's nice to see that my plans worked so well." "Wait..." R. Jak paused. "Our Mad is... Kate?" "Have you gone insane?" Mark asked. Everyone looked at him. He shrugged. "What? Someone had to ask it." "How could she have gone insane?" NeoVid yelled. "The only thing she's watched so far are those Thinkerfics and a couple of other things. I mean, it's not like she went mad over THOSE!" "Yes, my dear NeoVid," "Kate" replied. "I'm as sane as I ever was." "I'd have to agree," Scott chimed in. He was ignored. "And I'm not really Kate. Would you like to see her? She's right here." She stepped aside to reveal two tied-up figures - the "real" Kate, and... "Jon!" NeoVid exclaimed. "Jon?" Mark replied. "Yeah. Jon," R. Jak answered. "Who Jon?" Mr. Knht asked. "You stinking rotter, so that's where you've been!" R. Jak responded angrily. "Hi, guys," the "real" Kate said in an embarrassed tone. "Sorry about this." "Hey yo," Jonatan ^_^'ed at the group. "How did this happen?" NeoVid asked. "Well, you remember how I had to take Jonatan to get cloned after I accidentally summoned Odin on him?" she explained. zerosum, Zeek, and Scott shared nervous glances. "It was an accident!" she yelled. "Honestly! Anyhow, I got Yon-kun back--" "Back with a vengeance!" Jonatan quipped. Kate shot him a glare before continuing. "And then I sorta...um...tripped and fell in one of the cloning vats. So that's how she got here. And there was something wrong with the process, so she's a warped and evil version of me." NeoVid grinned. "Evil Kate, huh? Cool. But rather unoriginal, though." Scott gave the projection a once-over. "Hey, Kate... how come you don't wear shinyleather more often?" "And," Kate emphasized, doing her best to ignore him, "she's got mysterious psychic powers as well as being much stronger than I am, so she overpowered us, captured us, and has been holding us prisoner since then," she finished expositing. "But Jonatan, you can eat through steel chains!" Mark pointed out. "Why didn't you try to escape?" He paused. "Or maybe I didn't need to ask that?" he added with a weird grin. "Eheh..." Jonatan shrugged. "I kinda like being tied up by a cute girl." He winked at Evil Kate. "Hey, bayy-be! When do we start on the other stuff?" "Thought so," Mark muttered. Kate gritted her teeth and would have hit him if she hadn't been tied up as well. "Are you finished, Ayame?" Evil Kate said scornfully. "Actually, no," Kate replied. "She was the 'me' in the theater last week, observing the process. And apparently none of the guys even noticed!" "Don't blame them," R. Jak said sadly. Zeek shrugged. "I never saw you before then, and the rest of them aren't here." "Okay, now I'm finished," Kate said. "Now will you get me out of here?!" "I don't think so," Evil Kate answered. "You see, now that I have all your friends, I plan to inflict the agony of bad fanfiction upon them! I will delight in driving out their sanity! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "I've told you once, I've told you twice, that's not the right laugh for you..." Jonatan muttered. "Why?" Scott asked simply. "Why not?" Evil Kate answered. He shrugged. "Now," she continued, "if you'll turn around, I think you'll notice something different..." "And now, for something completely different," Jonatan ^_^'ed. Evil Kate's eyebrow twitched slightly. The group obligingly turned. "I don't think there were two doors there before," R. Jak observed. "Elementary, my dear Watson," Jonatan quipped. "Woofer's not here," Mark answered. Evil Kate grinned. "That's right. My 'original', along with Jonatan and my assistant, have been doing a little remodeling. We've expanded the theater to have a second projection room." "Asisstant? What assitnat?" Mr. Knht asked. "Echo, come on out!" Evil Kate called. Obligingly, TV's Echo Albarn, author of the previous fic, stepped out and waved. "Hello," he said. "After we left him locked in the theater last time, he started to go a little crazy," Evil Kate explained. "I found him gibbering in the corner, and he was so happy to see another human being that he agreed to help me without even realizing what he was agreeing to." "Yap, yap, yap," Jonatan said. At this point, Evil Kate spun around. "Do you want something, you pathetic excuse of--" "Boy, you certainly love the sound of your own voice," he chided. "And you called Kate-chan Ayame?" "I'll have you know--" "Maybe YOU'RE Ayame! Wow, I'm being held prisoner by one of my own creations!" He grinned even wider. "Let's see you transform into Sailor Exp--" *WHAP!* "Ow! Getting rough, chika? That's the way I like it!" "ENOUGH!" She grabbed him by his restraining ropes, hoisted him into the air, and booted him offscreen. The outside group could only watch in surprise as the window to the projection room shattered and the offending Swede flew out, landing gracefully on his face. "That must got hurting," Mr. Knht said. "Need help with those ropes?" Zeek asked, drawing his sword. "Ah? No need." Jonatan leapt to his feet, twirling the now untied rope in his hand. "A little trick I learned from Houdini." "Isn't he dead?" Mark asked. "You really think the afterlife would be able to hold him?" Jonatan ^_^'ed. "AHEM!" Evil Kate said, drawing everyone's attention again. "Now, here's how we're going to work this. You four," she pointed at Jonatan, Zeek, Mark, and Scott, "go to Theater A. The rest of you go to Theater B. And if you try anything funny...I won't hesitate to do something really nasty and evil to your friend here." She pointed at the original Kate, who hung her head apologetically. "I never meant to get any of you involved in this," Kate murmured. "I'm sorry." "Echo, push the button," Evil Kate said triumphantly. Echo nodded and did as he was told. "WE'VE GOT FANFICTION SIGN!" As the sirens blared off, and everyone began running to their respective doors, Zeek looked directly at Evil Kate. "You realize I'm not scared at all. Mainly because I saw something just as terrifying before I got to the theatre. Teletubbies in a video game. Now excuse me." Walking behind him, Mark shuddered. "Teletubbies? Scary." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* DOOR SEQUENCE: Door 4A: The group on 4A have been hammering the door continuously with various stuff as Zeek walks over. "ARGH! It won't open!!" "Isn't that a good thing?" "Oh yea, COOL!" "But you realize we are going to be blasted into little kibble if we don't get through the door." "Oh yea.." The destruction continues a few more minutes, then Jonatan, being bored, knocks on it and it opens. Door 3A: It's a giant steel door protected by a huge, complicated-looking electronic lock. Scott presses a conveniently-placed big red button, causing Wyoming to explode. While he sweatdrops, Mark presses the 'Power' button, deactivating the lock, and the door swings open. Door 2A: A female voice echoes "Incoming game," and a huge purple cube descends on the group, carrying them off to the next door. Door 1A: As everyone falls out of the cube, not much the worse for wear, but grumbling on how they had to play Pong, a Gargoyle shows up in front of the gate that leads into the theatre. "You have come to this place. Do you wish to enter the shadows?" The group looks at each other, then at the Gargoyle, then they pick up the Gargoyle and use its head (to loud complaints) to batter through the door. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* > POKEMON OAV Vol #2 - "Brocking & > Brolling" By Dr. Thinker Jon: That's one way to handle intensely disliked characters. Mark: Huh? (realizes) Urp... Zeek: I never knew Thinker wrote darkfics. > ######################## > > Ash had waste no time since we last saw > him after talking to "Wheeler" and Mark: Captain Planet crossover. > "Fast Girl". He mentions that he got a > Catpire Mark: Catpire? Scott: That'd be, what, Meruru after meeting Dracula? Zeek: It's Thinker. Don't think too much. Mark: Okay, forget I asked. > and a Weedle and they evolved Jon: [ominous voice] Ascending to position of master race, the Catpire and Weedle crushed the insignificant human race, sharing no pity for the obsolete beings... > very quicky. Ash had mention that he > kicked five bug trainer's Pokemon's Scott: Animal abuse! Mark: A few days later, Ash received a letter from SPCP, the Society for Preventing Cruelty towards Pokemon. > tails back to their Pokeball. Ash isn't > really happening with his wins, he Jon: Ash isn't really happening? Bummer, dude. I know I'm happening, for sure. > knows that lower bug Pokemon are almost > as weak as a Marikarp. Zeek: A what? Jon: Ah, so they merged a Pokemon with a whiny sprog sorceress wannabe? Scott: (sweatdrop) You do know that you'll have a mob of Glorious fans on our tail now? Zeek: Actually, I thought that was something to do with Mary Sues... > Ash sees a building ahead and sighs > with reliff. Zeek: What the heck is 'reliff'? Scott: Maybe he means 'Ratliff.' Jon: Does that mean... Marrissa will be in this? [suddenly looks nervous] > That he doesn't had to > deal with bug-brained trainers. He > enters and sees the first buidling. A > POKEMON CENTER! All: *Gasp!* (pause) Mark: Why did we do that? Scott: Well, it seemed like a great revelation... > Ash sees a Nurse Joy, and he's shock. Zeek: A male Nurse Joy? Scott: And he's Shock, too? Some kind of superhero, maybe? Jon: I wonder if they had him wear the standard uniform, too? Mark: That was not a pleasant image. >_< [Jonatan, Zeek and Scott look at Mark] Mark: What? > He learns about Nurse Joy's huge family Jon: [Tom Servo] It's HUGE! > and she's is the mother of the Joy in > Virdain. Nurse Joy can arrange in any > age from 18 to 109. (Mark shudders) Jon: Something wrong? Mark: I just had a bad mental image of a 109 year old Joy. Zeek: Not to worry, they look exactly alike, even if they are different ages. Just remember not to date one. > Ash aslo learns > about Officers Jennys as well, they > kind of the same, but can arrange from > ages 26 to 120. Zeek: But they keep the really old ones off the show so's not to give the wrong impressions. It's not cause they look bad, it's that they're cynical. Jon: Just like you? Zeek: Maybe. > Nurse Joy aslo tells > that the biograpy of the Pewter's City > Gym Leader is on a post. Like all of > the city. Mark: All of the city's on a post? Talk about urban planning! > A man ask if he had visit the measum > yet. Mark: Such stunning characterisation. > He takes a measum tour lonely with > a strange female like smile at any > mention of the words: WATER POKEMON. Jon: Pavlov taught her well. Mark: If he was lonely, what was he doing with with the female? > (You find out who's is young woman is > Vol. #3.) Scott: Suspense being built by Thinker is like... like... Mark: ...like a romantic dinner prepared by Kodachi? Scott: Yeah. > Then he talks to the man > again and ask to visit the Gym Leader. Jon: But the man refused. THE MAN IS KEEPING HIM DOWN! Scott: Fight the power, Ash! > The man leads Ash to the gates. Right > next to the door is post: Scott: Oh look, Nurse Joy's got mail. Jon: Latest issue of "Pokemon Illustrated" has arrived. Hey, it's the swimsuit edition! > Long time ago, Flint Bonte had 11 > kids. Jon: None of them with his wife. ^_^ Zeek: That was uncalled for! *Slash!* Jon: Eep! > Flint died at the age 24, and Mark: That's young. Scott: *gasp!* Wait a second! If he had ELEVEN kids, and only got to age 24... Jon: That's one guy who keeps himself active. ^_^ Scott: I guess that explains a few things about Brock's behavior... > his deathbed wish was to give the > Pokemon to the older children in this > friendly. That was the 11 kid, Brock Zeek: 'The 11 kid'? Sounds like a stupid action movie. Scott: Following Brock's death, the Pokemon League would retire his number 11... > Bonte. Mr. Bronte likes his Pokemon, Jon: In a very special way. ^-^ Mark: GET HIM! NOW! (Cue severe beating.) Jon: This is going to leave a mark. ^-^;; > but he become a gym leader to support > his remanding family, which > includings his mother, Maya Bonte. Scott: Bonte. Maya Bonte. License to kill. > Brock is really into rock Pokemon. He (Jonatan starts giggling madly) > only had two now. Signed The D.. > Man. Mark: The D-Man? What the phrack? Zeek: D stands for dork. > Ash wonders who's the D. Man, Scott: Who's de man? Huh? Who's de man? > but the > thoughts of Rock Pokemon. He opens up Mark: Sometimes, an unfinished sentence. Scott: It is very irritating when something like this. Zeek: Every now and then, we. Jon: Thinker really should get. > the Pokedex and finds a CHART on the > Pokedex's menu. Ash finds out the water > makes rock look like a gray mudd. Ash Jon: Gosh... that Pokedex sounds a LOT like my FIRST GRADE TEXTBOOKS. > thinks Squirte is ready. And he walks > in and meets a Jr. Trainer. Ash makes > Jr. Trainer run to the Pokecenter Zeek: By setting fire to his pants. > and waltz up to face Brock. Scott: [Ash] ...Dance, tenderfoot. > With Squirte, > has trashes Brock's Pokemon. > Afterwords, Squirte evolves into > Wartoriste. All: ... Jon: Boy, that sure had all the suspense of Koopa's immortal line "The Knight Sabers defeat the boomers." > > Ash walks at night into the path > leading to Mt. Moon. Scott: [Ash] Ow! ############################################ Zeek: And then the pound symbols sneak up and beat the crap outta him... Mark: That's all? Good thing it was short. Scott: Yeah. Can we get out of here now? > > > > > > > > > > > Jon: The picture doesn't seem to be stopping. What gives? Mark: Don't tell me there's more. Zeek: I think there's more. Mark: (glares at Zeek) I said, don't tell me. Zeek: I'll say what I want, I'm the one with the sword. > The van crested the hill and rolled > down the gentle incline on the other > side. Mark: And continued rolling as they crashed through the fence and plummeted to their deaths! Game over! Scott: He said "gentle incline". Zeek: Getting started with a dark riff? Mark: (shrugs) Why not? > The driver stared impassively out > the window, squinting through the rain > at the light in the distance. Scott: Then the van hit a chestnut tree, and the driver remembered why it was a good idea to watch the road instead of looking out the window. Mark: And you called my riff dark? > He was > one of nature's drivers, Jon: And Nature's wondering where he disappeared to. She needed someone to drive her to her bridge party. Mark: [Nature] It's hard to find good help these days. > one with a > vigilance that comes not from cups of > coffee or a sense of duty, but from > simply not expending much energy on > other activities like talking or having > facial expressions. Zeek: Yeah, that's what happens when you get one of nature's drivers... > Sitting beside the > bishounehn driver was a more cheerful > purple haired teenage girl, who was > causing the driver problems with a very > large Jon: ...TWO very large... ^_^ > map, which she handled with all > the skill that can be realistically > maintained with with a four metre > square piece of paper. Mark: Little did the driver know that the purple-haired girl was a master of Anything-Goes Foldable Map Martial Arts. She had soon cut him into itty bitty little pieces. > "Ano, I knew we > should have taken a right turn at > Albuquerque." Said the navigator. Scott: You know you're in trouble when your navigator is Bugs Bunny. Mark: [Bugs Bunny] Nyaa, I told you so, Doc! > From > the back of the van a blonde blue eyed > girl looked up from a local guide book. Jon: Since when is the Kama Sutra a 'local guide book'? ^_^ Scott: Depends on just how 'local' you had in mind. > "I thought the concert was in Los > Angeles." Mark: They should rename the place. The last angel left town last month. > "Oh... So Los Alamos isn't a misprint > then..." The van continued along the road > for a few minutes, before a muscular > lad sitting opposite the blue eyed girl > spoke: Scott: [Muscular lad] I'm confused. Which character am I, again? > "Han, are you sure that map's the right > way up?" Mark: [Han] D'oh! > "Yes, what do you think I know nothing > about navigation?" Scott: Well, maybe so, but your punctuation could use some work. Jon: (eye twitch!) Grammar riffs? Scott: Yep. Are we having fun yet? Mark: No. > Another girl who > looked similar the navigator, except > for her hair, looked up. Zeek: So the car is filled with clones in wigs? Mark: I'm suddenly getting Spider-clone saga flashbacks. (shudders) > "Hanaki... Is that the right map?" > > "Er... Whoops." Everyone on the van > facefaulted in anger, Mark: While everyone in the theater just facefaulted. (All facefault.) Zeek: That hurt! Scott: I swear, she's Shemp in disguise... > except for the > driver who merely sighed. A cool > looking Scott: [Author] She's cool looking! Really! Take my word for it! > curvaceous young lass sitting > behind the driver's seat took on an > evil expression. Zeek: Curvaceous Young Lass vs. Evil Expression, round one. Fight! > "Matsuro. Stop the van." The driver > blinked and spoke, which was almost a > special occasion in itself. Scott: [Matsuro] Your eggplants are gyrating in the green Mercedes. > "We'll have to wait for a lay by." Zeek: Jon... You comment, you die. Jon: Who, me? Just the fact that you spotted one makes my day. ^_^ > A dark haired sensible girl, correction, Mark: She wasn't sensible at all. > young woman, looked over to the cool > one. Scott: All of the other characters, apparently, are not cool... > "Why? What are you up to Keiko?" Keiko > smiled evilly. (Everyone snickers) Scott: ...But some of them talk to themselves. > "Hanaki's the navigator... she can go out > and look for a local landmark." Mark: [Keiko] And while she's at it, she can get killed by the killer with a hook for a hand, too. Scott: [Hanaki] We just passed a sign reading "Nowhere"... so I figure another 50 miles or so, and we should be there. > Hanaki stuck out her tongue at Keiko Jon: [Keiko] No thanks, I prefer guys. > and turned her attention to the road, > something small, cute and furry Zeek: It's Pikachu! Get him! > dashed > across the road, seemingly about to > become another road kill statistic. Scott: Why did the kitten cross the road? Because somebody needed a plot device. > "GAH!" Cried Hanaki as she grabbed the > wheel and sent the van swerving off the > road. > > Had it been a different point on the > road or a slightly dryer day, this > would have resulted in explosive death > for all eight of the van's occupants. Scott: And we could have gone home early. (Everyone sighs) > Fortunately, Scott: For who? > the day had been > consistently wet and there actually was > a small ditch by the road, Zeek: So we can bury them all there. > so there was > no noise of metal scraping on tarmac > and the doom laden sound of a spreading > puddle of inflammable petrol just > before the really loud final noise. > Instead there was Jon: A sound that could only be described as a large number of people saying "Oop!" at the same time. > the squeak of balding tyres Scott: Some Rogaine could help those tyres. > against wet tarmac and a small > squelchy sort of noise Mark: That was the kitten, gentlemen. > as the van left the road, Zeek: It moved back to its parents. > tipped over onto it's side > and slid to a halt. The van lay there > for a moment, and completely failed to > explode spectacularly. > > "This is all your fault." Mark: And we have a special guest appearance by Yuri of the Dirty Pair. Jon: [Yuri] You were supposed to rig the explosives on that van! Now they're going to survive, all thanks to you! > The Do-Gooders World tour Mark: And the title gets the blame. Zeek: With the way it's standing there doing nothing, it's definitely up to something. > This part by Eslington. > Mark: You mean like the one in Monty Python? Jon: Just hope it's not the one in Harry and the Hendersons. > Original Do-Gooders concept by > Stefan Gagne, 1998 Scott: Oh, great, they've had one original concept in the whole fic, and that was two years ago. Jon: You write a part for it, and then we can talk about originality. Scott: I'm insane, not crazy. > Episode one of this Omake Series: Jon: Also known as "The Omake Series That Came To A Screeching Halt When People Lost Interest In It". Scott: Much like that van, then. > Lost and alone in California. Scott: Episode two: Wasting Away in Margaritaville. Mark: Episode three: The San Diego Menace > > > > > > > "No it isn't, if anything it's Becky's > fault." Zeek: Don't blame others... uh, whoever's speaking. > The occupants of the van immediately > began arguing, using techniques varying > from logical reasoning, through witty > insults and sarcasm, and at the other > end of the scale, Mark: Anti-personel land mines. Zeek: A good few inches of cold steel. Jon: Noogieing and pantsing. > the classic sticking > of the fingers in the ears and shouting > "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALA!" The only > two that weren't arguing were the > bishounen driver, who was Scott: Dead. > trying > without success to push the door on the > new ceiling open and another Hanaki > clone, who had been gagged an bound > after one to many long winded attempt > at giving directions. Scott: Ooh. Bondage. Did this fic just get interesting? Jon: ... (stares at Scott) I'm speechless. Mark: That's kinda rare. > The clone shook > her head; Mark: And got a nine. > the crash had loosened the > gag sufficiently for her to speak, to > the dismay of all present. Zeek: Yeah, like she's going to turn them into stone from speaking or what? Jon: That's the least of their worries. ^_^ Mark: A foreshadowing by the #1 Do-Gooders fan, ladies and gentlemen! ^_^ > "Oh hello! I suppose you lot are > wondering what me and the crew are > doing in a ditch thousands of miles > from home arguing over who's to blame." Scott: Not really, no. Just promise to stay there? Zeek : Actually I'm interested...when someone gets gagged, thrown in the back and stuff..it usually means they are a wealth of information. It usually takes up half the fic if left unchecked. Mark: So, you're saying you actually want to sit through all that? Zeek: Well, yes... then we don't have to worry about something called plot developement. > Tejina sweatdropped, her new sister was > being crazy again. Jon: Don't knock it, Delight. Life's good on this side of the pool. > "Ayame, who are you talking to?" > > "Them." Mark: (O_O) She can see us? Zeek: Woah...if she can see us, maybe we can affect this fic. Jon: Quick, maybe we can ask for help! (The riffers start working on... something.) > "Who?" (The riffers raise placards. Mark's placard reads "Here we are!" with an arrow pointed downwards. Jonatan's reads "Help us, Do-Gooders, you're our only hope!" Scott's reads "Malloy 3:16 says Wai!" Zeek fires an arrow at the driver, which bounces off the screen. The driver doesn't even notice. *sigh*) > "Them, out there." Everyone present > facefaulted, bar Hanaki. Mark: I don't think this is working. It's probably all just a ruse by the Author to get the audience interested. Jon: I could have told you that from the start. (Everyone lowers their placards.) > "Han, who does she keep talking to?" > > "Them." > > "Who?" Everyone: US! > "Them, out there." Scott: Who's running a joke into the ground? Them. Who? Them, in there. Who? Them. Who? Them. Who? Them. (Continues to repeat "Who? Them." until Zeek thwacks him with the hilt of his blade.) > At this point, even > the driver was almost on the point of > sweatdropping. Ayame smiled and > continued talking to her unseen > friends. Zeek: Isn't it nice to know that the author cares? Mark: [Unseen friend] Just because we're unseen doesn't mean we don't have feelings, too, you know! > "Well anyway, it all started last week > when the spring term ended. Becky had > managed to get us some gigs..." > > Using her exposition powers, Ayame > reached into the very fabric of > reality, making the scene go all > shimmery. Scott: She proceeded to stitch the shimmering fabric of reality into the daring yet tasteful cocktail dress of recollection, accented by the jewelry of history and the heels of wishful thinking. Mark: (Turns to Scott) That was so surreal. > The shimmering lifted to > reveal the Naoko Family's Jon: ...illegal chicken smuggling ring. > basement. All > those present in the van were also Mark: Heavily sedated, preventing them from escaping. > present in the subterranean practice > room. > > "...so I posted a few MP3s of our songs > on the net a week ago and now we've got > all sorts of offers from people all > over the world!" Scott: "I'll give you five bucks to stop singing and go away." Mark: "Take away this MP3 now, or I shoot this bunny." Zeek: "Wanna see the bolt of a ballista up close?" Jon: "A million dollars for a one night st-..." (Everyone stares at Jon.) Jon: ...and-alone concert." (Notices the stares.) What? ^_^ > "You don't mean..." Tejina gasped. Zeek: "Yep, it got on napster." > "A world tour!" Everyone in the room > gasped, bar Matsuro. (Scott whistles a bit of the "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" theme.) > Tejina managed to > regain control of her vocal cords. > > "Becky... you... you... you..." Zeek: Someone give her a kick, she's stuck again. > "Genius? Star? Beauty?" Mark: o/ Who are the people in your neighborhood? In your neighborhood. In your neigh-bor-hoood. o/ > "Idiot! How am I going to explain this > sudden holiday to my parents?" Scott: "Dear Mom and Dad, I've run away to become an emu herder in Antananarivo." > "I thought of that, I asked some of my > contacts about that and they came up > with this nifty little list of > explanations." Tejina looked over the > list, her expression gradually souring. Jon: [Tejina] Must... eat... more... LEMONS! > > "Becky! Half these explanations are > totally loony!" Jon: [Becky] Hah! You called my last song script totally loony! Scott: [Tejina] That's because it was five hundred pages of "Giddyap!" Jon: [Becky] That... what wasn't it! That was another one! Scott: [Tejina] No it wasn't! You even ended with "That lazy, stupid horse"! > "But the other half are okay aren't > they?" Scott: No, the other half are only -almost- totally loony. > "I suppose... But what about every one > else's parents?" Becky grinned. Zeek: [Becky] Kill 'em all. Let God sort it out. Jon: [Becky, thinking] Uh-oh, haven't thought about that... > "I can fake some field trip letters, > What could po- Er... No problems." > > *** Scott: I think three stars is pretty generous, if this is any indication. Jon: Ah, the constellation "Group of Boring Stars". Such a wonder in the night sky. > > > > > > > Getting permission to leave the country > was actually quite easy for all > concerned. Scott: They just had to promise never to come back. Mark: (grumbles) Guess they never had to go through the actual process of getting US visas and such. Zeek: The first time, they tried digging underneath the fence of the country Evilania... they almost succeded too. > *** > > > > Jon: Boy, is this fic airy. > > > "Kireiko... Did you forge this letter?" > > "No" answered Kireiko, truthfully. > > "Hmm..." Kireiko's father's demon hunter > instincts nagged at him. Jon: [instinct] Take out the trash. Zeek: [instinct] Pick up your dirty laundry. Mark: [instinct] Always leave the toilet seat up. Scott: [instinct] Don't you do ANYTHING other than sit on the couch all day? > [You'll be unleashing a half-oni on the > world, think of the horrible events > that may happen!] Jon: Better yet, think of the movie rights! > The demon hunter > instincts then came into a head on > collision with the cost accountant > instincts. Mark: [Reporter] Unfortunately, there were no survivors in the fatal collision. > [If he's out of the country, you won't > have to feed him for two weeks.] Zeek: Starve your son, it's a fun game for the whole family! > [What if he runs out of odufa shirts?] Scott: He'll wear paisley instead. > [He can sew new odufa... onto shirts he's > bought with his own money.] Mark: Somehow, I can't exactly picture Kireiko sewing. Unless he's already henpecked by Hanaki... > [Think of the havoc he'll wreak on the > people of the earth!] Jon: Eh, screw them. Mark: Um, Jon? We're still on Earth. Jon: Oops. Zeek: You are, but I could just go home when I'm bored. > [Think of the havoc he won't wreak on > your neighbours... who know where you > live.] > > [At least think of the cost of > transporting a haf-oni...] > > "Who's paying for this?" Scott: The readers. Mark: Do we ever. > "Be- The school." > > [The choice... Is yours.] Mark: [public service broadcaster] Just say no! > "Ok Kireiko, its time you saw more of > the world... Besides, you'll probably fit > in better in the US than here." Jon: [Kireiko] Ano... I AM coming back later, you know. Scott: [dad] You are? Damnation! > "Thanks Dad, can I borrow some money?" > > "No." Mark: (smirks) Spoken like a true cost accountant. Scott: How would you know? Mark: I should know. I'm studying to be one. (The others look at him strangely.) Mark: What? Zeek: Quick, give me the accounting formula. Mark: (Sweatdrops) For what exactly? There are a lot of them, you know. ^_^ > * *** *** > *** *** *** * Mark: That was weird... Jon: It's an ASCII rendition of Keiko's greatest features, I believe. Scott: That's a really weird-looking ear, then. ^_- > > > Mark: Lots of wasted space in this fic. > > > > "Hmm... So you'll be travelling across > the world then..." Zeek: [Aki] No, just around the block. That's where the United States is. Really! > "Yes dad." > > Villyn scratched his chin, deep in > thought Jon: It was unfamiliar territory. He got lost easily. Scott: He was found and reunited with his minions two weeks later. > [Should I really let my > precious Aki-chan out into the big > dangerous world? At her age? But then > she is growing up so fast, any day now > she'll be double-crossing me for a > square jawed hero in my moment of > glory. Besides, there may be an > advantage...] Zeek: He must be an evil overlord. That's the rule: I will never have any Daughters. They will be beautiful as they are evil, but one look at the hero's rugged looks, and they'd betray their own father. I bet getting the daughter away is bout the same as not having one. (A loud siren cues up, fireworks start shooting in the background - and are quickly put out by the sprinkler system - and confetti starts raining down over Zeek.) Jon: Congratulations! We have a winner! Zeek: Oh, Yay. Do I get a prize? Jon: Sorry, the entire budget went to setting up the confetti and stuff. > "Aki, I have thought long and hard > about this... Mark: Suuuure... Scott: The smell of burnt cork filled the air... > and I have decided to let > you go, on one condition." Aki sighed; > the problem was about to arrive. Mark: [Problem] Oops, sorry I'm late. Heavy traffic. > "Which is?" Scott: [Villyn] I demand... a shrubbery! > "Bring back lots of photographs for > your dad." Aki blinked, her father was > being unusually sentimental. > > "That's it?" Mark: [Villyn] Yes. Zeek: [Aki] Really? Mark: [Villyn] Y-yes. Zeek: [Aki] Really really? Mark: [Villyn] Er, yes. Zeek: [Aki] REALLY really really? Mark: [Villyn] Alright, I confess! I need some armor deodorants, too! Go get me some from the US! Zeek: [Aki] Damn. > "Yes... With pictures of the military > placements of the world, I shall be > able to strike at the heart of the > world's armed forces! After the > obliteration of resistance, I SHALL > RULE THE WORLD! BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!" Mark: (turns to the others) How should we rate that Mad Maniacal Laughter? I give it a 6.5; nice buildup, but not enough HA's. Zeek: It bit. Come on, there's better things to laugh about, just going after heavily armored places which you prolly can't take anyway? 3.2. Jon: Good point, but Villyn lets loose Mad Maniacal Laughter over the breakfast cereal. I'd say it should be more drawn out and variated to get that special spine-chilling feeling. 6.8, maybe. Scott: Well, it may be weak on logic, but you've gotta admit, the man's got heart. 5.9. Mark: (computes scores) Well, he got an average of 5.6. Jon: So what exactly does that mean? Mark: (sits back) Hell if I know. > Aki > nodded, already planning what to say > about her pictures when she got back... Scott: [Aki] I forgot to take the lens cap off all 156,781 times. Mark: [Aki] I had them developed but the Quake Camper ate them. Zeek: [Aki] I got all these lovely pictures... but every one of the base camps got cut into ribbons by mad post card salesmen. > [As you can see, there are no naval > bases on this strip of beach here, so Zeek: Take your sunscreen and boogie boards. > you probably shouldn't bother attacking > there. And there are no missile silos > in this picture-esque mountain range...] Jon: There are, however, a large number of killer ninja sheep. > It would be nice to get out of the > house for a while, away from all these > maniacs. All: TOO LATE! > "But for your safety I want you to take > the Quake Camper and the Blank Psychic > with you." Jon: Minions... for the girl who cares about protection. > [Uh-oh] thought Aki [Time for some > quick thinking...] Jon: THINK QUICK! Scott, what's the capital of Iraq? Scott: Huh? Jon: You lose. > "But dad, Be- the school wont pay for > them." Mark: [Aki] They were damaged during transportation. > "Pah! The school shall not stand in my > way, I shall send my faithful minions > on my own money!" Zeek: Wouldn't it be better if you sent them on a plane instead? > "I think the school bought all the > seats for the flight to San Francisco." Scott: So passengers now have to sit on the floor. > "Then I shall send them on another > flight." Mark: Send them to Timbuktu. Please. So we don't have to see them. Jon: How dare you insult my characters! > [Oh no] thought Aki [This is going to > get difficult] Mark: Yeah, whatever you do, the next writer on the queue will do something to mess it up-- Jon: (Clamps hand over Mark's mouth) Ix-nay on the writer jokes, Mark. > "I think it's the only flight for the > next few weeks." Scott: Tokyo must have very lazy airlines. > Aki hoped that her > father would fall for it. He did, > however... Scott: ...He bounced. > "Well... This letter says you'll be > stopping in Los Angeles. They can meet > you there." > > Aki sighed and gave up. Zeek: She just couldn't beat Twisted Metal on this difficulty level. > At least the > Camper was reasonably sane, though how > he'd react to being on a fault line... Jon: It's all St. Andreas' Fault! Zeek: O_o Jon: Or that kind... > > > *** > > > > Mark: Look, the stars are out. Scott: And it's a cloud-free night. How beautiful. > > > "Mother?" > > "Yes Keiko?" Scott: [Keiko] Am I Dale? > "I'm going on a trip around the world > with some friends. I'll be back in two > weeks." > > "That's nice dear." Said Keiko's > mother. > > "I'll be going to far away and exotic > locations..." > > "Be sure to wrap up warm dear." Said Jon: I'd like a warm dear to wrap up, right now... Scott: (hands Jon a live deer) Close enough? Jon: Venison? But I ordered the turkey... > her Father, expending a lot more > attention on a newspaper ad. > > "Where thieves, thugs and murders lurk > around every corner, waiting to strike > at an innocent such as myself." Mark: Yeah. Right. You wear scanty leather outfits in public and you're innocent. Try to sell me insurance while you're at it. > "Be back by eleven then." > > Keiko gritted her teeth in anger, Scott: Grit those teeth! Others: Grrr! > ancient magics began to curl around her Jon: ^_^ Scott: Lay that off! Jon: I'm not doing anything. ^_^ Scott: Oh, I know what you're thinking. As soon as I turn my back you're going to say something about her nubile breasts, and... oops. Jon: Gotcha. ^_^ > hands in tendrils of power, and she > instinctively mumbled the spell of > hideous agony... Jon: Power Word, Wedgie. > she'd get them to pay > attention. Scott: Attention accepts cash, checks, and all major credit cards. > The energy reached a boiling > point of sorts and she started on the > last six words of the ancient spell. > > "Jonea... Kazes... Latai... Magi... Necromi... Scott: HEEEY Macarena! Mark: [Keiko] ... Bill Gates... Ikari Gendou... Oops, too much evil words. > Obliv-" > > Ding > > "Oh good, my burrito's done." Zeek: Next episode, Keiko's father has the worst case of diahrrea... or however you say that. Mark: Diarrhea, Zeek. Jon: (taps Mark) Riff the fic, not Zeek. Mark: Oh. (pause) Do you realize that rhymes? ^_^ Zeek: Only if you talk like Thinker. Mark: (thinks a bit, then sweatdrops) D'oh! You're right. My bad. > Said Keiko's father, getting up to go to the > microwave. > > Keiko uttered a curse that'd make > demons blush; the infernal machine had > broken her concentration. > > "Keiko, don't say things like that, > people'll complain." Jon: No, they complain when she starts wearing too much clothes. If the fanservice meter goes below 50, the fic explodes. > Keiko stormed out of the room. If they > were really worried about when she got > home, Jon: They're worried about when she's getting home? Something tells me the Yamanakis are going to do something naughty... > she'd just leave her Naga plushie > seated at the desk in her room and hope > they didn't notice. > > No, on second thoughts, hope would be > too much effort when it was a practical > certainty. Mark: (confused) ... Yeah, what she said! > *** > > > > > Zeek: Hollywood Boulevard is shorter than I remember it to be. > > Matsuro had been meaning to talk to his > mother about Zeek: Flowers and bees. Scott: [Matsuro] Mom, what's this stuff about flowers and bees? Jon: [mother] Well, you know what the Yamanakis do when they think you and Keiko aren't in the house? Flowers and bees do the same thing. > travelling the world, not > that he really needed her permission, > but he just wanted to make sure that > she wouldn't annoy him if he was doing > something important. Jon: Like teaching Keiko about flowers and bees. ^_^ Zeek: Jon, this won't hurt me a bit, you know... (rips out his seat and bludgeons Jonatan with it) > He hadn't had any visions on the way > home, Mark: And ended up stumbling around blindly through rush hour traffic. Jon: So that explains why he was bringing along a seeing-eye dog. > even as he entered the apartment > complex Scott: [Freud] Zo, tell me about this apartment complex you have. > his mother completely failed to > suddenly appear and tell him about > chicks and eggs. Jon: Ah... that's the second lesson. > He looked around the > foyer. No singing oxen or weird pixies, > he would have been grateful, Mark: Grateful Dead? > but now > was not the time for absence. He sighed > and pressed the lift call button. Zeek: A stranger promptly walked in and called him 'Lift'. > The lift doors opened, thick red blood > flooded out, engulfing Matsuro in the > warm liquid. Jon: I see they still haven't gotten that thing to travel slow enough. > [Ah good] thought Matsuro as he stepped > in. The elevator started moving of it's > own accord, stopping at floor 13 to let > in his mother, who was dragging a > crucifix. Matsuro nodded at her as he > pressed the button for floor 19. His > mother began to speak, while crying > tears of blue blood. Scott: Delusions of royalty. Tsk. > "Matsuro... you must go to California." > > "Hi mother, I know, I must find and we- > what?" All: SHE SAID, 'YOU MUST GO TO CALIFORNIA!' > "Well obviously you must, that's where > your first concert is isn't it?" Mark: Well, he COULD stay home and binge on Hamdingers instead. > Matsuro would have facefaulted, but he > was too cool to do so. Scott: He was so cool you could store a side of beef in him for a month. > "Uh... What happened to going to Tokyo?" Jon: You ARE in Tokyo, dimwit. > "Well, travelling the world is a big > event in your life, as it were, another > turning point." > > [A fork stuck in the road.] thought (Jonatan takes the fork and casually picks his teeth with it.) Zeek: The fork stuck in the road thought, "Man, Jon needs listerine." > Matsuro, a thought he dismissed as his > mother continued. Scott: [Matsuro, with a bad British accent] You're dismissed, thought. Now go away. > "Time's taken you by the wrist, it's > directing you where to go." Jon: Those superspatial dimension representations are more bossy than you'd first expect. > [Oh no... This better not be another part > of my destiny.] > > "So, Matsuro, just make the best of > this test." Jon: Matsuro, please wear a traffic cone on your head. Mark: [Matsuro's mom] And if you don't get at least a B- ... I don't know what I'll do with you. > "Why?" Jon: Because I asked you to. Now do it. Or do I have to ask John Evans to turn you into a girl? > "You shouldn't ask that, it's not a > question, but a lesson learnt in time." Scott: Turning people into girls is a lesson learnt in time? Jon: Apparently. I wonder which school teaches it? > > Matsuro sighed. [Why must destiny be so > unpredictable?] Zeek: More fun that way. > "In the end, you'll see it's right. > Anyway... I hope you have a nice time." Mark: [mother] ...in hell! BWAHAHA! Scott: You know, I didn't even like that as a song. It's much worse as fic dialogue. > His mother faded as the lift door > opened. Matsuro stepped out and walked > down the corridor to apartment > ninety-nine. At least his mother had Jon: Really, really huge... (Zeek reaches for his sword.) Scott: ...tracts of land. Jon: Yup. Zeek: (sighs, sheathes his sword, and smacks Jon with the chair again) Hmm... *sigh* He's not dead yet... he's getting better. > gone. [Good riddance] he thought as he > opened the door to his tiny apartment > and stepped into the Vallhallic hall. Zeek: And he garbed himself with the steel armor, and the hammer of Mjolnir... > "What ho!" shouted Balin from the > table, where he was getting drunk with > Dalin. > > "Hi Balin. I'll be leaving the country > for a couple of weeks." Mark: [Matsuro] The police have found out about my yak smuggling ring. > Dalin lifted > his head from the table. Scott: [Dalin] Alas, poor Balin. I knew him, Matsuro. > "Really? Then you won't need the > apartment for a while will you?" > > "No... why do you ask?" Asked Matsuro > suspiciously. Mark: [Dalin, innocent] Oh... nothing. Just planning to sell it for a few magic beans. Scott: [Matsuro] What did you say?! Mark: [Dalin] Oops, hadn't thought that. > "Well we were counting on having a big > p-" began Dalin before Balin clamped > his hand over the dwarf's mouth. > > "Shh! You'll blow it... He said uh... we > wanted a big p... p... piece of that > chocolate cake that's in the fridge." > Balin smiled widely as Matsuro's > expression darkened. Zeek: Someone's tampering with the light. > "You were going to say party weren't > you?" Balin sighed. Mark: And Balin blows the deal just after he told Dalin not to? Zeek: Don't ask me. I got confused over which one's Dalin and Balin. > "Well yes... but it was only going to be > a small one..." Jon: [nurse] I have a tiny, tiny sponge. (pause) Mark: What the... Zeek: What was that supposed to mean? Jon: Nothing. ^_^ Zeek: Right... > "Didn't Dalin say big?" Dalin smiled. > > "Yeah! And I've got this really cool > lass coming." Dalin brought a > photograph out of his wallet and > offered it to Matsuro. Mark: [Dalin] Five hundred dollars and it's yours. No credit cards. I accept installment payments. > "Good looking eh? She's got beautiful > hair hasn't she?" Matsuro took a look > at the treasured Polaroid. > > "Er, yes..." agreed Matsuro handing the > picture back. > > "Best groomed beard in all of > Scandinavia." Sighed Dalin. Balin > looked imploringly at Matsuro. (Scott looks inquisitively at Jonatan.) Scott: Say... aren't you from Scandinavia? Jon: Hey, the girls in my town are cute. Farther north, though... > "Oh go on... Tell you what. We'll install > a swimming pool in this place for you > if we can have the party here." Matsuro > looked sceptically at him. Mark: [Matsuro] No WAY is that not butter! > "How are you going to fit a swimming > pool in here?" Zeek: Well you take a sledgehammer, and some duct tape... > "This hall used to be a sixteen metre > square apartment, and you ask me how > we're going to fit a swimming pool in > here? Leave it up to us and we'll have > the place fixed up in time for the > water volley ball match on the third > day of the party." > > Matsuro caught himself trying to > imagine a dwarvern game of water > volleyball and stopped himself. On one > hand, he would have loads of dwarves Jon: That's good if you're into that stuff. Zeek: I heard some people say they taste like chicken. > having a party in his home... on the > other, he'd get a swimming pool... On a > much more significant hand, Scott: His VERY significant hand, which he only used for the very most fine tasks. > if he > didn't give his permission, the dwarves > would probably just have one anyway. > > "I guess it would be ok..." Balin's small > body only made the grin look bigger. Scott: Oh no! The grin is taking over! It's... it's EATING HIS FACE! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Mark: (blinks) Okay, no more caffeine for you. > "Great!" Balin dashed over to phone, > and dialled a sixteen-figure number, > presumably to another country. Mark: [Matsuro] Damn it, Balin! My phone bill's not paid yet! Think of the long- distance charges! > "Hello? ... Bjorn? ... Yeah, turns out the > party's on after all, bring literally > everyone... Yeah, your right, we really > shouldn't invite that twit Rolf... Mark: [Balin] He doesn't smell funny. > Uh-huh, that reminds me, bring over > your tools, Scott: He is a wedge, that simplest of tools. Jon: I thought everyone would bring their own tool. ^_^ Zeek: No they'd bring their own beer. > were building a swimming > pool... For the water volley ball match > of course... Ok, and could you see about > bringing some plastic sheeting as > well? ... Because the apartment's not mine > and the owner won't take to kindly to > having blood on the carpet, or the > walls, or the ceiling for that matter... Jon: [Matsuro] Unless you're my mom. Mark: [Matsuro] But then again, she cleans up her own messes. > Ok, and remember, it's a Bring Yer Own > Barrel situation... See ye on Saturday > then." As Balin put down the phone, > Matsuro fixed him with a threatening > stare. > > "Where were you calling to?" He asked, > his eyes alight with anger. > > "Scandinavia, why? Mark: [Matsuro] My phone doesn't have long-distance dialling. Zeek: [Balin] It does now. Mark: [Matsuro] I... see. > "You're paying for the call." Scott: [Balin] Do they take Valhalla Express? > And for the first time since he had met > Keiko, Balin experienced a moment of > extreme terror. > > > *** > > > > > > Zeek: Someone light that fuse... > The Nakao parents were known to have a > mildly unco-operative attitude to > having any of their children going off > on holidays across the world, so Scott: They straightjacketed the children and locked them in the basement. > Becky's school trip idea would > inevitably fail. Fortunately the three > sisters were intelligent enough to plan > a method to gain the agreement of their > parents. Mark: Blackmail. Zeek: Murder. Jon: Wedgies. > Mr & Mrs Nakao were watching the eight > o'clock news in the living room when > Hanaki walked in and turned off the > television. Standing in front of the > screen, she faced her adoptive parents > and began to speak. Jon: [Hanaki] o/~ We are family... o/~ > "Mother, Father. Me and my sisters have > been asked to go on a world tour for > the next two weeks to further promote Mark: The legislation of hard drugs. > our band, and we felt we should tell > you about it." Zeek: [Hanaki] Just so you, you know, don't go crazy and stuff. > Mrs Nakao was about to scream out a > sentence to the effect of "YOU'RE > WHAT?!!!" Scott: [Hanako] That's right. We're all lesbians. > before Hanaki started > speaking again. Jon: [Hanaki] God bless the almighty Malahelicon, may her divine wisdom lead us all through misery and praise be her might... THE WOLVES ARE EATING OUR SOOOOULS, IN THE DARKNESS WHERE WE DIEEEEE... Mark: Never do that again. Jon: Okay. > "Before you forbid us to leave, I > merely ask you to listen calmly to this > argument formulated by Ayame." Jon: [Ayame] If we don't go, you'll be living with three surly teenage girls for the next two weeks. Zeek: [Hanaki] Look, ma! I've been perusing that thesaurus you graciously awarded me. > Ayame and Tejina entered from opposite > sides of the room, assuming positions > on either side of Hanaki, Mark: Ah. The Interpretive Dance method of debate. > who then > walked around to the back of the couch, Zeek: And set fire to it. > behind the Nakaos. Tejina began to > speak in a dramatic tone. Scott: [Tejina] Is this a dagger I see before me? Mark: We should be so lucky. > "To save humanity from elimination!" > > "To visit at least one other nation!" > Said Ayame, before Tej said. Mark: So who said what first? Scott: (turns to Zeek) Who's on first? Zeek: Yup, what's on second and I don't know is on third. Jon: Who's on second? Zeek: No, he's on first. What's on second. Mark: (facepalms) We are so going to be sued. > "To sing our songs of love!" Zeek: Oops, they lost the meter. Jon: But the author prefers yards, so it's okay. > "To get them into the charts above!" > > "Tejina!" > > "Ayame!" > > "The Do-gooder must leave Japan on our > mission of delight!" > > "So let us go..." > > "You know it's right!" Jon: o/~ Caaan you smeeeeell... the CHEESE tonight? o/~ Mark: I always said watching too much Pokemon was bad for the brain. Zeek: I'm going to kill Thinker and his Pokemon influence. Scott: [Fumie] Very good, Tejina. You can go on to the next stage now. > The Nakaos sat in stunned silence Scott: With the aid of some tranqs and a couple of gags. > before Hanaki leaned over the shoulders > of her legal guardians to speak > directly into their ears. Scott: [Hanaki] You are already dead. > "Now either you let us leave the > country for two weeks, or Ayame will > use her more persuasive argument, which > lasts a full three hours and forty > seven minutes." Jon: And involves-- Mark: Don't even think of going there. Please. Zeek: Thank you for shutting him up, Mark. Jon: Who's shutting who up? (continues) --lots of chocolate cream. > Needless to say, resistance was > minimal. Jon: They were assimilated. > *** > > > > > > Scott: Whitespace... the final frontier. > By 1 PM, Saturday, the Do-gooders (and > Aki and Keiko) were on an aeroplane, Mark: Along with lots of other people nobody cares about. Scott: o/~ They're leaving on a jet plane... o/~ All: o/~ Hope they don't come back again... o/~ Zeek: How did we all know those lyrics all of the sudden? Jon: Shh! You're not supposed to say that! Just smile and nod. > heading at Mach 0.75 Mark: [Picard] Engage! Jon: The Mach 0.75: Speed Racer's kiddie car. > towards San > Francisco. Villyn's minions had already > left for Los Angeles (after a six hour Jon: ...Sailor Moon marathon. > delay as Security searched the Camper's > pack for whatever kept setting off the > metal detector, which eventually turned > out to be a frying pan.) Zeek: [Blank Psychic] I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH MALLETS! > and the going > looked good. Jon: When the going gets good, the tough gets... hmm. What do they get, anyway? Mark: Ice cream, maybe? > Keiko leaned to take a > look out the window as the city passed > under them. Zeek: But there wasn't any glass so she ended up plummeting to her death. Jon: Splatterbombing is always fun. ^_^ > "Hey Matsuro! I can see you apartment > from up here!" > > "How can you tell it's mine?" Zeek: The explosions with the pool being put in. > "What other apartment complex has a > vallhallic hall sticking out the > nineteenth floor?" Scott: [Matsuro] Oh, That's the Hotel Nordic across my block. > Matsuro scrambled across Keiko's lap to > look out the window. He couldn't see > his building anymore. Mark: I suppose the dwarfs got a bit too enthusiastic. > "Aw... you just missed it." Keiko > grinned as Matsuro realised he was > sitting on her lap. Mark: [Matsuro] Auntie Keiko, can you tell me a story? > She concentrated > and one of her image enhancing spells > increased in power. Jon: But then, she ended up looking like Lara Croft. (pause) Eww. > She looked into his > eyes and, in the orchestra of his mind, Jon: ...the drummer played far too loud, one of the trumpets kept dozing off, half the flute section discovered that they had forgotten their scores, and the bass saxophonist had dyed his hair hot pink AGAIN. A wonder they ever managed to perform. > Matsuro's string section began that > neat little bit of music that always > plays at moments of romantic > realisation. Scott: Ride of the Valkyries. Matsuro had a very strange mind. > He leaned over to kiss her > on the lips... Mark: (glares at Jon) No. Jon: What? I didn't say anything... Zeek: You don't need to; we can hear you thinking from over there. Jon: (eyetwitch) Hear?! (freaks out) YOU'RE ALL IN MY HEAD! SINNER! SINNER! I'LL KILL YOU ALL AND EAT YOUR BRAINS! (rips out his seat and pummels a stunned Zeek into a fine smear, then very quietly sits down again on his broken seat.) Mark, Scott: ... > "Excuse me, but the "Seatbelt" light is > still on, please return to your seat." > Said the stewardess. Keiko pointed a > finger at her, setting her hair alight. Scott: Now -that's- giving her the finger. Jon: ... > The stewardess dashed off into the > cockpit, possibly in search of an > extinguisher for her hair. > > "Now..." said Keiko "Where were we?" Zeek: Two miles in the air, heading for San Francisco. Next question? Jon: ... > Matsuro's string section began again... Scott: But it was starting to come unwound. Mark: Matsuro collects old string, too? How cheap. Jon: ... Scott: (whispering to Mark) Is he usually like this? Mark: (whispering to Scott) No, he never acts like that. > But in the cockpit, the stewardess had > put out her hair and had made a deal > with the pilot. She watched the > bishounen and leather clad lovers, Jon: And from our fall line, this lovely vest, made from 100% natural bishounen... Scott: You okay now? Jon: Walls impede my progress. Scott: I take that as a 'yes'. Jon: (psycho stare) You wear your mask well, sinner. But there WILL be a reckoning. And the walls of Jericho didst fall, ooh yes... Scott: ...I'm not sure how I'm going to take this. > waiting for the right moment to strike. > > > "Wait for it... wait for it... NOW!" > > The plane lurched violently; Matsuro > lurched Scott: [Matsuro] You rang? > from Keiko's lap and flew > across the aisle, knocked his head on > the overhead luggage compartment and > fell, unconscious, into Kireiko's lap. Scott: Thus filling the Implied Yaoi quota for the chapter. Jon: [stewardess] Ha ha, I'm abusing my position and power to torment and injure overly romantic passengers! I'm a god! I'M A GOD!!! > The intercom buzzed. Mark: Someone swatted it. Zeek: Then-- Jon: Shh. Zeek: Wh-- Jon: SHH! Zeek: Hey-- Jon: SILENCE, FLESHLING! Inflict not your gibbering on one who watches and waits. (head turns 360 degrees) Digimon, Digital Monsters... Zeek: (To mark) May I kill him yet? > "We apologise for that, we seem to be > experiencing some turbulence, if the > gentleman in the school uniform would > care to return to his seat, we may > continue with a little less..." Zeek: [Stewardess]... passengers. Anyone want to volunteer to get out now? > Kireiko lifted up the unconscious body > of the prone drummer and dropped it Jon: In the luggage compartment. Scott: That was almost sane... Jon: Suck my duck, shepherd. Zeek:... > down into his seat. Keiko sighed as she > buckled Matsuro up. [He's cute when > he's unconscious.] She thought. Scott: [Keiko] Mental note: Beat Matsuro unconscious more often. > Keiko called over one of the friendlier > stewards and ordered a cup of coffee. Jon: Do they wear little "I'm friendly - I'm not!" nametags or something? > > > *** > > > > > > Mark: In Whitespace, no one can hear the readers scream. > About two hours later, the plane landed Scott: Makes you wonder if it would have tried to do something else. > and the jet lagged band members stepped > off the plane and onto the tarmac of > one of San Francisco's many airports. Scott: Airports are like corner stores, in California. Jon: With the difference that cornerstores doesn't sell overpriced "Welcome to California" postcards that look like they were made by a six-year old with a polaroid and dissolves in bright sunlight. > As the Do-Gooders (and associates) > stepped off the plane one of the > Do-Gooders noticed one of the > associates Mark: ...lose one of the readers to one of the longer sentences of one of the fics that... (Mark dozes off, snoring. Zeek prods him with the scabbard of his sword. Mark wakes up with a start.) Wha-what? Zeek: We suffer, you suffer. Jon: wE ShALl ALl suFfER EtERNallY... Zeek: If I whack him a good one... Jon: (whips his head around to glare madly at Zeek) Sinner. Zeek: Sinner? At least I'm not chaos corrupted. >grinning even more evilly > than she normally did. > "Keiko..." Began Hanaki. "If I ask you > why you're grinning evilly will I be > forced to stop you on moral grounds." Jon: No, but your punctuation will be ravaged as punishment. > Keiko's grin went up the evil scale a > little bit more. Zeek: From sinister to diabolic. Currently a 6.7 on the evil scale. > "Well let's just say... I gave that > impolite stewardess a bit of a curse!" Scott: The Mummy's Curse! Jon: [mummy] I must come and visit you more often, dear. > "Oh no... It won't kill her will it?" Han > covered her ears as Keiko began her > laugh. > > "OOOH-HOHOHOHO!!!!! No, but the irate > bitch shall learn not to injure the > boyfriend of KEIKO! THE... THE... ER... Mark: GET ON WITH IT! > THE SORCERESS!" Mark: They're running out of superhero names pretty fast, aren't they? Jon: It's a bit prestigious for someone who can't even cast a scrying spell without smothering herself in avocados. > Han sweatdropped as the > group picked up their luggage. > > > *** > > > > > > > Jon: This space for rent. Scott: Well, they have to finance the trip somehow... > The theft of the stewardess' car engine Zeek: I blame the MMK. He's the only person crazy enough to steal an actual engine. MMK: (^_^ing) Well, at least it wasn't... waffles. Zeek: (barely restrained by the others) DAMNIT, MMK! I DIDN'T STEAL THE DAMN WAFFLES! MMK: Sure, wafflestealer. (Zeek growls.) Jon: So what brings you here? MMK: Oh, I just felt like a brief cameo. See ya. (leaves) > later that day, and the subsequent rain > shower that dogged her return home had > more to do with poetic justice then > Keiko's curse. However, Keiko's magic Jon: Tastes like chocolate! > did cause the stewardess's winning > lottery ticket to spontaneously > combust, right before her eyes as she > watched the draw that Saturday. This > only goes to show that you shouldn't > mess with the affairs of sorceresses, > for they are subtle and will burn your > lottery tickets. Zeek: This message brought to you by the Sorceresses for the Extinguishment of Lottery Foundation. > > *** Mark: Oh, look, it's Orion's belt. Jon: Been there, done that. Mark: Got the t-shirt? Jon: No. You? > > > > > > > > One thing the band unanimously agreed > on was Scott: That Elvis was alive and well and living in Ouagadougou. > the fact that without a funky > road rippin' babe magnet style set of > wheels, they weren't going anywhere. > Well, the funky road rippin' babe > magnet style part wasn't unanimous but > the bit about the set of wheels was. So > this was why the Do-Gooders were > assembled in Honest Jack's Second hand > automobile emporium. Jon: I see. Jack must be a descendant of Victor von Frankenstein and put the Do- Gooders through a weed whacker before this paragraph... > Jack grinned in glee, any day now the > liquidators would be arriving and he > really needed some money to take so he > could run with it. He stepped up to the > blue haired girl that seemed to be > leading the group. Mark: The one with "LEADER" written in English on her t-shirt in big letters. Jon: Actually, she had a little image of a hand hovering over her head. > "Good morning young lady, how can I > supply your transit needs?" To which > Tejina replied: Zeek: What is this transit and what does it have to do with lady needs? > "[What did you say? Do you speak > Japanese?]" Jack stared blankly at her. > > > "Do any of you kids speak English?" > Becky nodded. Jon: Hey, Becky! You're the same age as them! No need to act so superior. > "Yes, but we'd prefer it if we dealt > with someone who spoke Japanese." Scott: [Becky] Because otherwise, we can't use our plot device. Mark: [Becky] And our author wouldn't be confused on whether to use brackets for Japanese or English. Jon: [Becky] And of course it's completely fair to demand that born and raised Americans speak our language when we go abroad. > Ayame pushed her way to the front of > the group and posed dramatically. Mark: [Ayame] In the name of the moon, I will punish you! (Slaps self) What in Hades came over me to say that? Jon: Fanservice needs. If the fanservice meter goes below fifty, this fic's gonna BLOW! Zeek: It already does. Jon: (pause) You've got a point there. > "Ah! Truly we are in a state that > requires my skill with words! Fear not > fellow Do-Gooders, for I shall aid you > with my abilities!" Tejina sighed. Scott: That is EXACTLY what they fear, actually. > "Does anyone else have a feeling of > impending doom?" Scott: I've had that feeling since the beginning of the chapter. Jon: (ominous) I am become fanfic, destroyer of readers! > "My fellow friends, I shall improve our > situation by breaking down the walls of Jon: Jericho! Hey, she could do that. > incomprehension and cultural > differences by bestowing upon you all Scott: This new VCR! All: Oooh! Aaah! > the gift of mild telepathic linguistic Jon: Indigestion. > communication, to aid our acquirement > of vehicular transportation or the > odyssey that awaits us, Mark: But not both. To get both, you have to pay a fee of $ 39.99. > in this great > world of ours!" Zeek: Anyone brought a dictionary? Mark: Apparently, Ayame did. > A strange feeling tingled through the > brains of all the Do-Gooders and > associates. Aki turned to Hanaki. Jon: [Aki] So this is what thinking feels like. > "How does your moth- er sis- er... Ayame > cope with such long sentences?" Hanaki > shrugged. Scott: [Hanaki] She doesn't. She faints a lot. > "Circular breathing?" Jack looked back > at Tejina, having been distracted by > the display of vocal talent. Jon: Particularly at what it did to her-- (Zeek whacks Jon with a chair again. It breaks into little bits. Zeek sighs and picks up one of the legs, and sits in a different chair.) > "Er, I don't suppose you understand > me?" > > "Well yes. Mark: [Tejina] We were just kidding before. > We ne-" Tejina stopped, she > had actually understood that last > question, even though she had heard it > as English. She looked at Ayame, who > winked at her and smiled, a twinkle of > light glinting on her teeth. Jon: [Ayame] I'll see you at midnight, sis. Be sure to bring... the box. (Zeek attempts the chair again, but stops when Jonatan grabs his nose.) Jon: Don't even think about it, Junky Boy. (Zeek swats Jonatan's hand away, and backhands him back a row.) Zeek: I didn't think on it, it was instinct. (sits down) > "So, you can understand me now?" > > "Yes, shall I show you around?" Scott: [Tejina] No. Show us a car. > Everyone looked at each other, made a > collective shrug and followed Jack into > the showroom. > > There was a basic selection of about a > dozen cars before they came to the > second last one, which was where > Kireiko fell in love. > > "My god!" He gasped. "It's perfect!" Jon: [Jack] Thanks, I work out. > The car was a red '68 Chevrolet, the > paintwork glinted like it was only > yesterday that Scott: ...Jack walked around dabbing fresh paint on the worst rust spots. > it rolled off the > production line. Kireiko caressed the > bodywork, grinning like an idiot. Scott: Not that that required much of a stretch for Kireiko. (Zeek suddenly swings the chair above Jon's head, causing him to duck) Jon: WHAT WAS THAT FOR? Zeek: Deterrant. Jon: (grabs Zeek and tosses him into the screen) That's deterrant, sinner. (Zeek grumbles, and teleports back to his seat) Zeek: Scott, what religion is this boy anyway? (holds his head, and takes some asprin) > "She's beautiful..." he sighed, stepping > back. Becky facefaulted. > > "You're talking as though it was a girl > Kireiko. Mark: [Home TV shopping host] Get your own girl Kireiko doll! Now with exra tentacles and a leather fuku. Only 29999 yen! Scott: (peers at Mark) Apparently, hentainess is contagious. Who knew? Jon: I've always wanted to inspire others to greatness. >You're nuts!" Hanaki looked > over at the car. Zeek: (shakes his head and sighs) I thought they wouldn't give any more fire for the sickos... Mark: Yeah, right.. Zeek: I know... wishful thinking. > "Actually, I think car's a feminine > noun... like "la automobile" in French..." > Aki stared at the Chevvy, noticing > something amiss. Scott: Chevvy. From the makers of such fine products as Rollex watches, IBMM computers, and New Coke. > "Well, Mister Jack, could you explain Zeek: Where your lap goes when you stand up? Scott: Why Beanie Babies are so popular? Jon: What REALLY happened in "End of Evangelion"? Mark: How babies are made? Jon: Wasn't that my line? > why her tape deck has suddenly begun > playing old rock music for no good > reason?" > > "It's a feature. Zeek: Thank god it doesn't come standard. > Er... you've set the > preliminary alarm off. If you actually > try to drive off with it then it'll > start playing Hanson." Everyone > shuddered (The riffers shudder likewise.) Mark: What kind of devil-made system is that?! Zeek: Could be worse. (Everyone blinks.) Mark: HOW IN THE...?!? Zeek: Add Spice Girls. >at the thought, except > Kireiko, who was too busy running Jon: ...for... > his Jon: ...life. (The others applaud.) Jon: Thank you, thank you. > fingers over the personalised licence > plate at the back. > > "Caroline... Such a beautiful name for Scott: A shrimp-canning industry in Florida. > this glorious machine." Hanaki > facefaulted, for a soon to be explained > reason. Mark: When? Scott: You really want to know? Mark: Not really, just thought to bring the matter up. > "Jack, why did the engine rev when > Kireiko stroked the bumper just then?" Jon: He's doing naughty stuff with a car? (under his breath) Gotta get myself a car like that... > "Er... It's like a... It's sort of like an > auto start for the car." > > "You're lying aren't you? This car's > possessed or something isn't it?" Mark: [Jack] Actually, it was re-possessed. Zeek: [Jack] Lets see...you used a HOLY!!! battery, didn't you? > Jack sighed. > > "Well yes, but look! If you scratch the > paintwork like this..." Said Jack, > demonstrating with his car keys on the > unmarked chrome. Jon: Wow, it smells just like strawberries! > "And look! It heals > up! Just like- GLURK!" Scott: Heals up just like glurk? Never heard of it. Mark: No, see, it's GLURK! Scott: How do you pronounce capital letters, anyway? Mark: Practice. > "You bastard!" Shouted Kireiko, jumping > up and down on Jack's ribs. Mark: Jack's ribs: Better than your average trampoline. >"How dare > you harm such a fragile creature." > Tejina pulled the enraged half-oni off > the bruised car dealer. Scott: I'm sure that does a lot for Jack's ego... > "Stop doing that! It'll really cripple > our world tour if our guitarist is > arrested before our first concert." Zeek: Hey, don't knock it! There ain't no such thing as bad publicity! > Keiko prodded the injured tradesman > with her foot. (Jon pokes Jack on the screen with a stick.) Mark: Stop that! > "Er, are you ok?" Scott: [Jack] Better than okay. I'm a masochist! > Jack pulled himself > up, despite his injuries, Jon: Not to mention despite the laws of physics... > as you can > recover from virtually anything short > of total evisceration when you're a > named manga character... with the > possible exception of dark generals. Scott: Yeah, I had a bad case of dark generals a few years ago... those buggers just won't go away. > "Uh... Sure... Now my good man, are you Jon: ...Dale? > interested in buying this fine > machine?" Hanaki ran her hand over the > bonnet, a mildly suspicious expression > on her face. Scott: [Hanaki] It must be butter. > "If this machine is so fine... The why > did anyone sell it?" Jack shrugged. Mark: Is he trying to make the sale or what? Scott: Worst used car salesman I ever saw. > "I dunno, I just found it at a scrap > yard a few years ago. So anyway, are > you going to buy it?" Zeek: [Matsuro] No. Mark: [Aki] No. Scott: [Becky] No. Jon: [Tejina] No. > "Yes." Answered Kireiko Jon: [Tejina] Kireiko, you traitorous swine! >, looking up and > looking very serious. Mark: [Kireiko] I was the second gunman, on the grassy knoll. > "Then it'll be two thousand dollars, > thank you very much." Tejina sighed. > > "I'm sorry Kireiko, we only have one > thousand." Kireiko sighed. Scott: [Tejina] ...Yen. Which makes, oh, nine dollars at the current exchange rate. > "Ah well, I suppose it was too good to > be true..." He leaned down and kissed the > red chrome. Jon: And promptly got paint over his lips. Turned out it wasn't crome. > "I shall make it my aim in > life, to one day return and reclaim > this car, this is my promise and I > shall fulfil it before I die." > > Everyone sweatdropped. > > "He's really hung up on that car isn't > he?" Rhetoricalised Aki, Mark: (Points to Rhetoricalised) Is that even a word? Jon: Well, it is now! > she then > looked at Ayame "Is this a side affect > of your abilities?" Jon: [Ayame] No, it's a side effect of the airplane food. > "Most definitely not my dear friend Aki > Villyn!" Answered Ayame, using nineteen > times more letters then was strictly > necessary for a standard negative > response, Mark: And got a summons from the Letter Abuse Police for it. > though the situation is > probably different in Japanese, but the > situation being as it was, that is, > Ayame, Tejina, Hanaki, Matsuro, > Kireiko, Becky, Aki and Keiko Jon: ...in a pear tree! > are all > talking in such a way that Fanfic > readers can understand them and so are > speaking in the almost universally > recognised universal language of Scott: Pig Latin. > English and this would be correct if > this is ever dubbed or subtitled, that > is, if this ever becomes an anime, > which is not impossible considering the > amazingly large variety of animation > programs available... (Sounds of snoring. Other riffers turn to see Mark sleeping. Zeek nudges him with his sword again.) Mark: Wha-what? Zeek: Quit sleeping on us! Mark: Tell the author to quit expositing so much first. (Yawns) He sounds like my Trigonometry teacher. Zeek: I know...(puts down the book he had in his other hand and gets back to watching) Scott: Maybe he was getting paid by the word. Mark: You really think that somebody would pay for this? Scott: Point. Jon: [returns with four tubs of popcorn] Did I miss anything? > Uh, anyway, the next vehicle available > was a large green van, with colourful > flowers pained on the side. Scott: Shaggy needed money to support his scooby-snack habit. > Tejina > opened the back of the van. Mark: And found the entire cast of Scooby Doo bound and gagged inside. Jon: [Jack, sweatdropping] Hehehe, now how did they get there? > "Hmm... quite spacious... though I don't > like the flowers on the side." Jon: When you travel down the path of life, you'll have to stop and smell the flowers on the side. Scott: I really don't think those flowers smell much, though. > "Never mind, we can just tie a banner > on the side or something." Reasoned > Hanaki. Kireiko shook his head. > > "Nah, you can't polish a turd like > this." Tejina tuned to Jack. Zeek: Why would you wanna polish turds anyway? Jon: Some people have the strangest fetishes. > "Where did you get this then?" > > "Oh I bought it off some passing > weirdo, I think he said his name was... > scruffy or something, Mark: (turns to Scott) Well, whaddaya know? It really was supposed to be the Mystery Machine. Scott: (facepalms) Classics aren't held sacred anymore. >I cant really > remember... Anyway it's a mere five > hundred dollars for this reliable old > thingy and I'll throw in a free gallon > of gas." Scott: Which, given today's prices, may well be more than the van is worth. > Keiko leaned out the front > window of the ageing vehicle. > "We'll give you one hundred." Jon: [Keiko] One hundred stuffed herrings, of course. Real collector's items, those things. > Had Jack > been drinking something when Keiko said > that he would have sat it out in > surprise, Mark: How do you sit something out in surprise, anyway? > he wasn't so he resorted to > having a facefault that could level a > small town. Scott: Amity City, California, was later wiped out in a freak earthquake. Mark: But then again, people always blamed San Andreas. > "WHAT?!!!!! At five hundred I'm > practically slashing my own wrists as > it is!" Keiko grinned. Mark: So do it! One less annoying character... Zeek: Geez...he's a Dibbler. Scott: A Pratchett running gag? Zeek: Has crappy stuff, overpriced, and you don't like it unless your desperate, He's a Dibbler. > "Ayame, bargain with the man." > > From that day forth, Jack had a strange > and unshakeable fear of the voice of > anyone with green hair. Fortunately as > the green hair gene is not a common one Scott: Outside of, apparently, Japan. > this did not bother him too much. > > > *** > > > > > > Mark: And when you look into the Void, the Void looks into you. Scott: Do not paraphrase Nietzsche, lest you become Nietzsche. Zeek: Isn't he dead? Scott: Exactly. Mark: (sweatdrops) So I forgot the actual words...Sooorrreee!! > The scene shimmered again and refocused > on the fuku'd verbosifyer. Zeek: Oh yay, fuku too. Scott: Who knew that fuku that she'd do as well? ^_^ Mark: Another new word! Jon: At this rate, the author will have himself a private dictionary by the end of the fic. > "And so here we are, on the road to Los > Angeles, lost and alone in California." Scott: In case you forgot to read the episode title. > Ayame looked up from whoever she was > looking at. By now, the Do-Gooders had Jon: MPS. Zeek: MPS? Mark: You know, Mad Passionate S-- (blushes) You're right, Scott. It is catching. Jon: Embrace your destiny, young Skywalker. ^_^ Zeek: Don't think I won't hurt you. > succeeded in opening the back of the > van and had Mark: Locked her inside. > all left to stand aside the > road in search of assistance. Jon: [Tejina] I can't find any assistance. You guys? Scott: [Kireiko] No assistance here. Matsuro? Zeek: [Matsuro] No. Becky? Mark: [Becky] I found some assistance! Jon: [Tejina] ...Becky, that's a rock. >Outside, > the silhouettes of seven of the heroes > were visible against the deep purple of > the night. Audible above the drumming Scott: Matsuro took some time to practice the drums, apparently. Jon: Then I wonder what Keiko took the time to practice... ^_^ > of the rain and the occasional rumble > of thunder, was the voice of Tejina. Scott: "The Voice of Tejina"! A tragicomic masterpiece in five acts! > "Han, how could you possibly confuse > this map of what is obviously New > Mexico, with one of California?" Jon: Well, vast amounts of alcohol usually help. > "But when I bought it I was assured it > was a map of California." > > "Where did you buy it?" Scott: [Hanaki] Um... New Mexico. > "I got it second hand off some bloke > with an umbrella at the airport." This > left nothing much to talk about for a > while until Matsuro noticed something. Scott: [Matsuro] Why don't I have any pants on? Mark: [Matsuro] The sky really is purple? I thought I was hallucinating again. Zeek: [Matsuro] Damn, I left my wallet in Japan! Jon: [Matsuro] Boy, that Keiko sure has huge...tracts of land. ^_^ Zeek: Didn't you already use that joke? > "It's stopped." He said. > > "What has?" Asked Kireiko. Jon: [Matsuro] Keiko's display of tantric-- [*WHAP!*] OW! > "The talking, Ayame's finally stopped > talking." Instead of the whoops and > cheers this would normally bring, there > was another muted pause. Aki spoke up. > > "I wonder if she's snapped out of this > whole craziness thing." Zeek: Doubt it. Scott: Seconded. > "Someone will have to check..." noted > Becky. This produced a sort of Captain Scott: ...Crunch! Jon: ...Planet! Zeek: ...Commando! Who is, by the way, a cheezy little bastard, and really needs to die. > Oates situation. Which Keiko quickly > solved. > > "I vote Kireiko goes. All in favour?" > > "Aye!" > > "Yes!" > > "Agreed." > > "'Got my vote." > > "Naturally." Mark: [Kireiko] You love me! You really love me! > "All opposed?" > > "No way!" > > "Tough luck Oni-boy, get down there!" Mark: [Scorpion] GET OVER HERE! > Keiko kicked Kireiko down into the > ditch, where he landed on his feet. He > creeped slowly over to the opening, > peering into it in the same way that an > action hero who has just slain a giant > robot checks for that it suddenly isn't > going to lurch back to life and > strangle him to death. Zeek: Geez, what kinda giant robot do you think it is? I bet it's like one of them things like in original star trek when they used a housecat's shadow as a vicious monster. Jon: Just for the record... whenever I slay giant robots, I don't creep over and check if it's going to stay down. I trash it until it's certain it'll stay down. > "Hello fellow crusader Kireiko! All: Hi, Dr. Nick! > Would > you remove my bonds so I may re-join > you and my fellow friends?" called > Ayame. Kireiko sighed, untied and then > re-unified Ayame with their friends. Mark: There a hentai reference there somewhere. (Looks at Jon.) Zeek: Mark, *don't encourage him*! Scott: Besides, it's really not that hentai. Now, if the "re-unified" part came before the "untied" part, maybe... ^_- Jon: You know, you guys really are making things easy for me. (pauses) Anyway, that happens later in the story. Others: (blinkblink!) WHAT!? Zeek: You're kidding me... Jon already read this before? Mark: Well, he's not called the #1 Do-Gooders fan for nothing. > "I still blame you for this Han." > Blamed Keiko. Mark: So she blamed Han, then? Just checking to make sure. Scott: I bet it was really the Wookiee's fault. > "Things could be worse." Said Han. > > "Worse? We're lost with nowhere to stay > for the night. What're we going to do?" Mark: [Barbie] Let's go shopping! Jon: Let's get naked! Scott: LET'S ALL GET BACK IN THE MYSTERY MACHINE! Zeek: ...really spoiled the fun with that one, didn't you? Scott: (manic grin) Fun? Zeek: Oh. Right, good point. > As if fulfilling some dramatic > necessity, a sudden flash of lightening Scott: How is that different from a flash of lightning? Jon: The special effects guys charge you another $20 per hour. > illuminated a large, ominous mansion > atop a hill, conveniently within > walking distance. Everyone sweatdropped > in unison, then Tejina spoke Zeek: [Tejina] o_o; That's a nice mansion...looks almost like home.. Others: [as rest] o_O; Jon: o/~There's a light... over at the Frankenstein place... o/~ > "Well, there's at least one answer..." > Keiko smiled, the house looked quite > gothic... offering the possibility of > cool architecture. > > "C'mon everyone. It's time I got outta > these wet leathers and into a nice warm > bed." Scott: ...Nah. This one's way too easy. Jon: Spoil sport. > The Do-Gooders and companions began > their trudge up to the mansion. > > > > *** > > > > Mark: It's over yet? Zeek: Maybe. > > Zeek: Maybe not. > Meanwhile, Mark: Dang. It's still on. > in an airport lounge in Los > Angeles... Jon: ...cattle was being mutilated. > "Excuse me sir, but I really must ask > you to move your tent." Jon: [as whoever's talking] You're arousing senior citizens. (Zeek sighs, and hits jon over the head with the hilt of his sword, then moves three seats away.) Zeek: Don't say you didn't ask for that. > "For the last time, I'm not getting out > until Aki-sama arrives or there's a > major breakthrough in earthquake > prevention!" Zeek: There is for this fic. It's called chastity, considering no one here has normal levels of urges. Scott: (doubletakes) Okay, either I'm missing the link between chastity and earthquakes, or that statement made no sense. > WHAT AWAITS OUR HEROES AT THE > GOTIC-ESQUE MANSION? Jon: A Rocky Horror crossover? Scott: If that happens, I'm outta here. Evil Kate: (over speakers) Keep wishing. Scott: Just kidding, I'll sing along. ^_^ > WILL THEY EVER > REACH LOS ANGELEAS? Mark: Not if they're heading for Los Angeles. Zeek: The lost city of angels... Los Angeleas. > WILL THE QUAKE > CAMPER EVER LEAVE HIS TENT? Scott: Nope, no targets. > WILL MATSURO'S MOTHER TURN UP? Zeek: Turn up what? The volume? Jon: I'm hoping for the Fanservice-meter. > WHAT OTHER > EXCITING LOCATIONS SHALL THE DO-GOODERS > VISIT? Jon: Read: What other innocent people shall the Do-Gooders torment? > IF A TREE FALLS IN THE WOODS AND > NO-ONE'S AROUND, WILL ANYONE CARE? Zeek: AND IF THE TREE ISN'T HEARD FALLING, WILL THE OTHER TREES MAKE FUN OF IT? (All the other people in the theatre blink.) Mark: ZEEK!!! Zeek: yea? Mark: Nevermind. > All this and more next time on The > Do-Gooders World Tour! All: NOOOO!!! > Authors notes: Scott: o/~ La, o/~ Jon: o/~ la, o/~ Zeek: o/~ la, o/~ Mark: o/~ la, o/~ Jon: o/~ Laaaaaa! o/~ (Sound of glass breaking) Evil Kate: You're paying for that window. Jon: Gomen... ^.^;; > C&C desired, please? Mark: Do you want fries with that? > WAI! This was fun to write! I'll > probably be writing the next part, Scott: Threats will get you nowhere, Mr. Author! > though I plan on having other writers > from the DGML write episodes later on. > So stay tuned! > > A big "Ta mate!" Zeek: Is that anything edible? > to the folks on the > Do-Gooders mailing list who at least > partially inspired this Mark: (looks at Jon) You're a member of that ML, right? Jon: Yeah. So? Mark: So you're partially responsible for this? Jon: More than you think. > and a slightly > bigger "Cor blimey guvner, you've been Zeek: Please, never say that again. >_< > a great help!" to the pre-reader for > this omake, Yasha, whose scathing > critique over petty little details > greatly improved the readability of > this episode. Scott: But not by much. Zeek: Agreed. Mark: Ditto. Jon: I'll tell her you said that. She knows several techniques of breaking a grown man's bones with ease. (Others sweatdrop) Zeek: Well, I don't know bout you guys, but the lobby door's open, I'm outta here for the moment. (runs out very fast) Mark: Wait for us! (Others follow) */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Up in the broadcast booth of the Theater of Pain, Kate and her evil twin were engaging in a staring contest. Kate glared at Evil Kate. "You're slipping, you know," she said. Evil Kate glared back. "What do you mean?" "Oh, come on. 'BLOT 4!' 'I'm invisible!' You're going into Thinker-speak. You're losing it." Kate shook her head sadly. "A shame... I'll bet your genetic structure is going to destabilize any minute now or something." Evil Kate looked slightly nervous for once. "What do you mean?" "Oh, you know... scientists managed to create a super-strong, genetically- superior being, but in the end there's always some fatal flaw, and the clone ends up going insane or melting into a puddle of goo on the lab floor or something like that." Kate probably would have shrugged nonchalantly if she hadn't been tied up. "You're lying!" Evil Kate said. "This is just some sort of trick so you can get yourself and all your little friends out of here!" "Suit yourself," Kate answered. "But don't come crying to me when you start to disintegrate." "You... you... you're so mean!" Evil Kate wailed. In the meantime, TV's Echo, who had been sitting in the corner and watching the Sailor Moon S movie (subbed, of course), realized that the first part of Do Gooders World Tour had ended, and it was time to let the test subjects back into the lobby for the intermission. Taking care not to disturb the Kates, he pushed the buttons to open the theater doors. In a few minutes, he'd turn on the lobby projection screen. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Meanwhile, in the lobby, the eight poor souls left to fend for themselves were comparing their experiences in the theater. More than half of them were drunk, partly to the fact that Jonatan, while in captivity, had stowed away a secret cache of alcohol inside a hollow wall. R. Jak gulped down yet another shot of spirits as he talked with a small group gathered around the popcorn popper. "As far as I can see," he said, with a slight slur, "this experiment is actually kinda mild, in comparison." "Comparison to what?" Zeek asked, trying to focus on the blurry images ahead of him. "Well, think about it," Scott said, as articulate as ever (not that that's saying a whole lot). "The basis of this is supposedly a sort of torture, ne? Except this one's supposed to hurt, but it only causes... causes..." "Annoyance..." NeoVid groaned from underneath the popcorn popper. "Right. Annoyance." Scott thought a bit. "Bloody load of pauses, weren't there? I bet we could write our own fanfic in all the whitespace." "Yeaaahh..." NeoVid mumbled. "Til I was forced to read it, I thought World Tour was pretty good..." Mark would have commented on the subject, but at the moment, he was holding an ice pack on his head and groaning. All that from downing two shots of spirit. Jonatan nudged Mark. "You really can't take liquor very well, can you?" "Shaddup! Ooohh..." Mark replied. "And then there's the fact that he keeps messing up who's speaking," Jonatan continued, sipping a glass of vodka. "That's way messed up. I told him you can't do that, but did he listen? Nooo..." "Who?" Zeek asked, a confused look on his face. "Him," Scott said unhelpfully. "Never mind." He looked up at the mysterious Mr. Knht, who was floating around the room, rather disoriented. "So what you think of Do-Gooders World Tour?" Mr. Knht glared at Jon, refusing to speak for a few moments. "Funguy," Jon repeated, "what did you think of..." Then, Mr. Knht took out his Game Boy. "Zapdos! I choose you!" he yelled. Zapdos flew out of the Game Boy and let out a great bolt of electricity, destroying the popcorn machine and shocking everyone in the room expect Mr. Knht. "Okay," said Scott, slightly frizzled. "That was unnecessary." Mr. Knht pocketed the Game Boy. "I think Zadpos giv ya my anwser." Mr. Knht replied. "A pain in the Game Boy system?" asked Jonatan. "Correct, but good enough for me." stated Mr. Knht. "I mean," Scott droned on in the background, "you completely ruined the popcorn... now what am I supposed to eat during part two? Nachos? I think not. No respect for tradition, I'm telling you..." Mr. Knht suddenly boggled, as the Zapdos gave one last terrified squak and died a horrible death via steel. Zeek then sheathed his sword, totally sober now. "DO THAT AGAIN AND I CUT YOU TO RIBBONS, KNHT!" he shouted again. "WHAT WRONG WITH YOU! NOW I GOT GET NOTHER!" Mr. Knht reached for his Game Boy, but it was snatched out of his hand. "Let me keep this for now, Thinker," Mark said ominously, stuffing the contraption into his pocket as R. Jak and NeoVid struggled out of the large mound of broken machinery and popped corn. NeoVid, who was still drunk, staggered out and leaned up against Mark. "Now Knht," Zeek replied, "you'd better knock it off, before you do something you will regret." "Like what?" R. Jak remarked, wiped out the last of the melted butter out of his hair. "Write another Supergirl story?" "THINKER rwite Supergirl story, no me!" Mr. Knht replied indignantly. Before Zeek could reply, the screen lit up, revealing an angry Kate and a sobbing Evil Kate. "Hi guys," Kate said in an embarrassed tone of voice. The group waved back, then NeoVid passed out. "Hey, Kate!" Mark shouted. His headache and dizziness were doing weird things to his thought processes. "You made Evil Kate cry! That wasn't very nice of you!" "But she trapped you in a theater and made you watch bad fanfiction! She isn't nice!" Kate attempted to defend herself. "Huh?" Mark intoned. "Oh, yeah. Forgot." He tossed the water in the ice bucket over his head, in effect also drenching NeoVid. "Brrrr! That woke me up!" "What, and you are?" R. Jak pointed out to Kate. "You beating up on poor Jon all the time? You should be ashamed." "Are you saying there's something wrong with my hobbies?" Jonatan asked, confused. Despite still being on the floor, NeoVid said "She's eeeevil, man, evil... I never thought MSTing was a bad thing until today..." Scott shrugged. "It's not a bad thing." "What was that 'FUN?' thing about, then?" Jonatan retorted. "Well, it's sort of expected. You know. Anyway, Kate, you should really be nicer to Evil Kate. Because the only difference between you is that she's not nice. Right? Aside from the revealing leather, I mean. Which I still think you should reconsider. She looks really--" He paused for a moment. "Um, I said all that out loud, didn't I?" Mark nodded. "Damn. I shouldn't've started drinking." He gave Kate a very broad, very innocent smile, which didn't fool her in the slightest. "Er, never mind?" "So now that you defeated your evil twin, does that mean you're going to let us go, Kate?" Mark asked. "Well..." Kate responded. "I wouldn't exactly say that I *defeated* her. I mean, you don't see me untied or anything, do you?" Echo, meanwhile, decided that he could help his boss out by taking matters into his own hands. He pushed the button, reopening the theater doors. The groups started to head back to the theaters, before they were interrupted by Evil Kate (who apparently had managed to recover from her crying fit). "Wait, where do you think you're going? You don't get back into the theater until you switch teams! It's because... um... because you'll have a harder time dealing with the fic if I shake you up like this!" "Uh... okay," R. Jak said, a bit unsure. "Oh yay. So who's the lucky members this time?" Zeek looked up at Evil Kate. Evil Kate took a sheet of paper from Echo and read the new groups. "Okay, the hentai, the immortal, the cynic..." "...the lion, the witch, the wardrobe..." Jonatan filled in. "...and a partridge in a pear tree," NeoVid finished. "Shut up." Evil Kate glared. "...and the new guy go to theater one. Theater two is the normal guy, the cosplayer, the guy speaking bad english, and the goth." "...oh my," Jonatan giggled. The others looked oddly at him, wondering what was so fun about Kasumi impressions. "Be more specific, Kate," Scott said. "Which one's the normal guy?" "Mark's the MOST normal," Jon suggested. Mark nodded. "Yes, I may be..." Pause. "Wait a minute..." He stopped and glared at Jonatan. "I am NOT! I'm as abnormal as any of you." Mark stopped again. "That didn't come out right," he muttered under his breath. "Hmm. Given the present company, I think I'd have to agree with Jon," Scott disagreed with Mark. "But you couldn't come up with anything better than 'new guy' for me? Come on... what kind of villain are you? I could do better than that..." "Okay, specifics here," Evil Kate said angrily. "We're switching the ones called R. Jak and NeoVid to theater one. They trade off with Mark and Zeek. Is that better?" "No relly," Mr. Knht said innocently. "Who normal one?" "JUST GET IN THERE, SPOONY BARDS!" Evil Kate screamed. "Okay, okay." "I'm not really a-- ah, forget it, nobody'll get that reference anyway," Scott muttered. "Jeez," Jon remarked before the group departed. "Not a funny bone in her body. Loves to break mine, though..." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* DOOR SEQUENCE: 4A: It's a sarcophagus. The team forces the lid open, climbs inside, and closes it over themselves. 3A: It's made of 3As from that cartoon 'Botsmaster'. No one gets the reference. 2A: A PJ fanfiction. The group gets in through the gaping plotholes. 1A: It's a maze of tiny little passages, all exactly alike. The group chants "xyzzy" and ends up inside the theater. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* > The world burned. Scott: Hey! You're supposed to RECYCLE those now, moron! > Mankind had foolishly > wasted its only chance at peace and > gone to war. R. Jak: BAD Mick Foley! BAD! > Weapons more terrible than > any conceivable today were deployed, NeoVid: They hit me with Styrofoam peanuts! Oh the humanity! > and all life on earth was destroyed. Jon: Ooh... NeoVid: Yay! Scott: That's not supposed to be a good thing. > It's a good job this omake takes place > a few centuries before that then. All: Damn. > ***** Do-Gooders The Do-Gooders World > tour An Omake Serial This part by Scott: Cereal? But I've already had breakfast. > Eslington. [Eslington@bigfoot.com] Part > Two: A spooky mansion in a foreign R Jak: ...Language. NeoVid: How do you say 'spooky mansion' in anything but English, anyway? > country! What shall our heroines do? > ***** Jon: How about the heroes? ^_^ NeoVid: ...damn, he stole the first one. R. Jak: I was that close. Jon: ...not two, but three? Scott: Four. ^_^ NeoVid: Yup. Jon: Cool. And Baughb the Elf went into the other theater! Great! > The Do-Gooders trudged up the winding > path Scott: Remember, you'll have to wind up your path once daily. > towards the creepy Scott: ...Looking guy in the jacket... NeoVid: Who? > gothic mansion > atop the large hill, some of them Jon: They're always creepy gothic mansions on top of large hills. You'd think they were a geological phenomenon. > carrying their instruments, all of them > arguing about matters such as luggage > handling and proper van driving. R. Jak: All of them, for some reason, wearing Guess Jeans. NeoVid: Guess? Uh... are they Levis? > The > group stopped as they reached a large > cast iron gate All: [group] OW! >. Keiko had once seen the > gates of hell, and these looked Jon: So have I. Scott: You don't mean... Jon: Math final. Scott: Ouch. > amazingly similar. Of course in hell > the gates had little blood red picket > fences R Jak: Complete with skewered bodies. > on either side of them, rather > than tall brick walls topped with > spikes, but most of the details were > the same, even the little stone > gargoyles on the gate posts. NeoVid: As opposed to stoned gargoyles. Jon: [Goliath] Man, am I baked... Scott: Satan must have splurged at Pier One. > One of the > posts had a doorbell intercom attached > to it, R. Jak: The latest fad in piercing. NeoVid: (sniffles) No one wanted to try my new idea with brain piercing... > Ayame pressed the button to > attract Jon: Weasels. Big ones, with pointy teeth. > the attention of the mansion's > occupants. "Good evening, can I help > you?" Jon: [Matsuro] Maybe. Do you know when the fic ends? > Said a voice with a distinct > British accent. NeoVid: Always knew Satan was English. Scott: And he's writing this story! > "Yes oh occupant of > this grand house, we require assistance > in our mission of spreading delight > across the world as our method of > transportation NeoVid: [Ayame] ...Required us to be fired out of cannons, so we would like it if you called 911. > has tragically been > rendered inoperative and we humbly > request that you offer us a roof over > our heads, four walls around us R. Jak: Just don't break one this time. > and > possibly a method of telecommunication > to the nearest automotive repair and > modification centre." Jon: So speaketh the great wise fungus, ruler of the heavens, possessor of yon aulde-- (coughs) That was unpleasant. I never had her tongue-twist like that. > Answered Ayame. > "Very good Miss, may I simply ask that > you NeoVid: [voice] ...pour a bucket of water over yourself? > put that in slightly less verbose > terms?" Matsuro pushed Ayame lightly > aside. (All watch as Ayame flies across the screen and crashes into a tree.) Scott: Lightly, my ass. > "Our van's broken down, can we > stay here tonight and call a garage?" Scott: [voice] Oh, in that case, no. > "Yes, good sir. If you'd just wait a > second..." There was a click and R Jak: ...A sniper blew them away. The end. > the > gate swung open with an agonised > squeak. R. Jak: [Gate, agonised] I can't believe I'm in a bad fanfic... > The Do-Gooders looked at each > other, shrugged and walked in. > > * Jon: The other two stars have been downsized. > > Beneath the Mansion, someone lurked, or Scott: So it's a message board? > more accurately, fiddled with > scientific equipment whilst lurking. An NeoVid: He should post more. > intercom panel buzzed on the wall. The > scientist rushed over to it and stabbed > at the "answer" button. "Yes, what is NeoVid: The sword then cleaved the panel in twain. Well, at least it stopped the buzzing. > it?" "Master, visitors have arrived." > "Excellent, that small cute thing NeoVid: Lumi-chan? Scott: Yuki? Jon: Dilua? R. Jak: Who? Jon: Forget it. NeoVid: Joel-chan? R Jak: I won't even ask about that one. Jon: Good idea. > I > trained to jump in front of cars is > working like a charm." "Actually sir, I NeoVid: [Master] And now it's smeared on the street like a charm. Excellent! > chose to notify you because the gate > sensors indicate the presence of > powerful magic within our female > guests." R. Jak: [Master] Oh, not the Sailor Scouts AGAIN! Jon: [Master] Just as long as it isn't... the Doctor. Scott: [Voice] Who? Jon: [Master] Yes. > The man grinned as he heard > the news. "My day just gets better... NeoVid: [Master] I mean, this morning I received a letter saying I might have won a million dollars! > Bring one of them to me, so I may study > her energies." NeoVid: If this is leading up to what I'm thinking this is leading up, zero owes you five bucks, Jak. > The man turned off the > intercom and strode away, cackling > evilly. R. Jak: [Master] I will destroy christmas this year. I will. > * Jon: Look! A star! We must follow it! (All follow the star.) > The entrance hall of the mansion was, > of course, extravagant. NeoVid: Oh, it just led to the hall. That's a disappointment. > The dark oak > floor was covered R Jak: ...In blood! Lots of it! > in part by strips of > crimson carpeting. R Jak: See! I was right! > The furnishings were > made of the finest Mahogany and on the > walls were pictures of people who, by > the look of them, were all related to > each other. Jon: Descriptions supplied by Eyrie Unlimited. All overdescription, all the time. > Clearly this was a house > that belonged to a family of > aristocratic Scott: In- > breeding. "Hmm..." Hmmed > Aki. R. Jak: We would not have noticed. > "Looks like the owner of this > house is a family of aristocratic Scott: In- > breeding." From one of the room's many > entrances, a butler walked in and stood > before the band. NeoVid: [Narrarator] They were uncertain of why he wore no pants, but perhaps this was one of the mansion's many quaint traditions. > The butler's employer > had clearly spent a lot of time NeoVid: In a closet with Vanessa White. > searching for Jon: ...Porn! > a classic English butler. Jon: But was he pornographic? NeoVid: His tie was. > If any of the band had ever read any of > P.G. Wodehouse's books, R. Jak: They'd have gone horribly mad. Jon: Nonsense, I've read dozens of his books. Scott: Case in point, then. > they would have > found this man unusually familiar, but NeoVid: It's Colonel Mustard! > none of them had, NeoVid: ...A chance of surviving this. > so this was a moot > point. "Good evening. May I take your > coats?" "We aren't wearing coats." > noted Tejina. Jon: [butler] Then I take ALL your clothes! MWAHAHAHAHA! > "Then I shall not take > them. May I have your names instead?" Jon: [Tejina] No, you can't. I'm afraid we still use them. NeoVid: [butler] Ma'am, that was a very bad joke. Jon: [Tejina] Yes, I know. I'm sorry. [normal] The 'Realms' sketch, gentlemen. > The group introduced themselves, though > this dialogue was removed to prevent > unnecessary typing. Jon: He's covering up his mistakes. Well, at least he's trying. Scott: Yes, he's very trying. > "And I am Plage, > humble servant to this house, the manor R Jak: ...Of a clichéd English guy. Oh, wait, he didn't say 'manner'... > of Wallingfourthshire." "That sounds > like somewhere in England." Noted > Keiko. All: Whatever... > "It is, the master of the house > had it moved after the local coal > mining industry collapsed. I regret to Scott: Much like my patience. What has that to do with the STORY?! > inform you that our phone lines have > been blown Jon: Lucky lines... NeoVid: Yep. > down in the storm. I would > give you a grand tour of the house but > it's late, and you are probably in > greater need of some rest. Jon: [butler] And we're planning on torturing you later, so... R. Jak: Okay, okay. We get the image. Scott: I don't. NeoVid: I envy you... > I shall > escort you all to your rooms. The Jon: So he's got a budding... escort service? Wink wink, nudge nudge. > master of the house is busy in the wine > cellar and does not wish to be > disturbed R. Jak: Yeah. Don't want to disturb him when he's drunk. Scott: He doesn't wish to be disturbed, but he's a schizophrenic anyway. > but he assures me he shall > see you in the morning." NeoVid: That's when he usually regains his vision. > With that, > Plage walked silently out of the room, Scott: Ah, I see he's wearing Boots of Stealth. > followed by a slightly confused but > grateful group of teens. R.Jak: They thought he was Hanson. > * > > Tejina pushed open the door to the > first guest room. It was simply > furnished with an empty chest of > drawers and two small brass-frame beds, > each in a southern corner. R. Jak: You know, he could've said they were bunk beds and saved us a few words. NeoVid: So there are bunk beds in both corners? > Hanaki > walked in around her and collapsed onto > a bed. Tejina closed the door and sat > down on the other bed. R. Jak: And, unfortunately, the last guest, who had been there for quite some time. > "I'm so tired..." Began Hanaki. "I could fall > asleep in these sodden clothes." "Looks > like that's the only option." "What?" NeoVid: She said 'LOOKS LIKE THAT'S THE ONLY OPTION'! > "You left the rest of the clothes in > the van didn't you? "No." "Han..." Jon: [Hanaki] I traded them for three beans. R. Jak: [Tejina] Three BEANS? Jon: [Hanaki] They're magic beans! Wanna see Sigfried saw apart a lady? > "Well yes, but I'm sure you said it was > Kireiko's job to bring them." Tejina > sighed. She was tired too and despite > her mission for truth, justice and All: ...The British way! > concert fees, arguing over the truth > with her sister could wait until next > morning. NeoVid: [Narrarator] Or decade. [normal] Please? > Removing enough clothing to > sleep comfortably, NeoVid: Won't tell you how MUCH, though. > but leaving enough > to maintain the PG rating, R. Jak: Aw, DAMMIT! Jon: There will be more opportunities. ^_~ > Hanaki and > Tejina settled down to sleep. > > * > > Ayame had fallen asleep as soon as she > got onto the bed Jon: I distrust those places. Last time I went to a hotel and fell asleep directly, I woke up with a buncha people who kept calling me "#6." > and would have slept > in a very uncomfortable position Jonatan: (leafing through a book labeled 'Illustrated Kama Sutra') I could have sworn it was "The parakeet invites the turtle"... Scott: Aren't all Kama Sutras illustrated? NeoVid: Only the good ones. > if > Becky hadn't turned her over so she > wasn't sleeping on her elbow. Becky had > tried to get to sleep, but she had > discovered the horrible and terrible > and horrible secret R Jak: ...Of this fic's being written. > about Ayame that > Tejina and Hanaki had hidden from the > rest of the world... R. Jak: It involved a bowl of gazpacho soup. > "...nnnmmnnnn HA! > I shall not allow you to nullify the > Emblem! On behalf of the fourth wall > you're punished! Mmmm...." Ayame Scott: Lady, you have no idea how punished we are already. > exposited in her sleep. Just great. And > to make it worse the voices in her head > were arguing again. NeoVid: Mine have been quiet for a while... you think they're plotting something? > [Sailor Rapture > must continue in her quest to spread Jonatan: ...poo over all the stages of the multiverse... NeoVid: No, I think you're confusing her with Teki-chan. > her joyous music across the world!] > [Agent B-A3 must fulfil the objectives > set by her parents. If she does not > check the locations for NeoVid: ...Free booze. > anomalous > occurrences then the free world may be > in grave danger, as her parents > ordered, Scott: Her parents ordered the world to be in peril? > she must fulfil this mission > with the aid of her associates within > the two weeks allotted. Jon: Her dual personalities are a Sailor Scout and Gamma from Sonic Adventure? > Besides you got > those bass lessons off me.] > [Irrelevant! Without the power of her > music the world shall never know NeoVid: ...That there are worse horrors than Bolton. > the > possible rapture that awaits it.] [The > wellbeing of the United States of > America and the Earth outweighs your > concerns.] [Does not.] [Does.] [Does > not.] [Does.] [Can you two keep it > down? I'm trying to get some sleep!] Jon: [Piss off.] > Thought Becky. [Sorry] Thought her > personalities. Becky settled down into > bed and closed her eyes and drifted > off... [Does.] [Does not.] Becky sighed > and spent the night arguing with her > personalities. > > * > > Much to Keiko's disappointment, NeoVid: There was no mint on her pillow. > the > beds in the guestroom were large enough > to accommodate one comfortably, but > small enough to prevent any bed > sharing. Jon: Silly, silly. That's just a question of effort. With enough effort, no bed is too small. > When she had complained about > this to Matsuro, he had just shrugged > and slipped into bed, he hadn't even > bothered to undress. Keiko lay awake in > bed, cursing that NeoVid: ...Freakin' sexless loser. > fatigue resistance > spell she had cast on herself six hours > ago, in the hope that she would be able > to drive for a while. Keiko looked over > at Matsuro. He was kinda cute when he > was sleeping. R. Jak: Despite the drooling and all. > That little ingrained > expression of annoyance on his > otherwise still body... She got out of > bed, pulled up a small chair and sat by > his bed. NeoVid: Bishounen spotting, the latest fad for fangirls. > She didn't want to close her > eyes; she didn't want to fall asleep > (She knew she'd find that difficult > anyway) because she'd miss him. And she > didn't want to miss a thing. R. Jak: And it was then that Keiko figured out which song they'd open the act with. Jon: Geez... Keiko was never this obsessive in the main story. (thinks) Oh, wait. She was. > It > occurred to her that some might regard > this as either very sweet, or mildly > disturbing. But she was all right with > that, she felt both descriptions suited > her well. > > * > NeoVid: Are we gonna have to go through this with all the characters? All: Yes... > Aki settled down in her bed, smoothing > the sheets out over her body. Jon: (appreciatively) Mmm... those are form-fitting sheets. > The bed > was so comfortable that sleep was so > easy... Aki sighed, a small smile of > comfort on her face with the expression > that come from one who has an instinct > for this sort of situation and just > knows the snag was about to turn up. R. Jak: [Snag] Sorry I'm late. I got held up by the weather. > There was a thump as Kireiko turned NeoVid: Into a vase of petunias! > over, and then a noise akin to that > thing some really evil people > occasionally do with their nails and > blackboards, Jon: (takes out a blackboard from under his seat) Yes, isn't it horrible? )rakes his nails over the board) Others: Arrrgh! > as the half oni's claws > dragged down the wall, leaving gashes > in the wall paper. Aki looked over, her > face contorted in pain. She didn't > trust those tentacles to keep > themselves to themselves either. (Jon and R. Jak freeze) Jon: Ten...ta...cles... R. Jak: AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH! NEMESIS FLASHBACK!!!!! Jon: o/~ Shout, shout, let it all out... these are the things I can do without... come on, I'm talking to you, come on... o/~ > Aki > groaned, gathered up her bedclothes and > went downstairs to sleep on the antique > Georgian sofa-bed. Jon: Little did she know that the sofa was actually a crocodile, who ate lamps by night. > * > > In the basement, the intercom buzzed > again. (A buzzing sound can be heard over the speakers in the theater.) R. Jak: What was that? Scott: I don't know... NeoVid: Aaaugh! The Fic's getting to us! > Fortunately, the villainous > figure was walking next to it so there > was no rush to answer. "Yes?" "Our > guests have retired to their rooms. > Evidence shows that all of the females > are charged with magical energy, one > even shows evidence of a sorceress' > skills." "Excellent." (Everyone is startled out of their seats.) Voice Over the Speakers: ...Now go, my minions, and capture her. I can use her as bait to lure He-Man into a trap! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! All: What the...? R. Jak: Say...that sounds like... NeoVid: Skrib? Skrib (VO): Hello, guys! (anime-style blinking sound) Where's Mark? Jon: He's in the other theater. Skrib (VO): Oh. Anyways, I heard what happened to you guys, so I've patched into the Theater of Pain's systems and I'm now working on getting you all out of there, so wait up for a little while, 'kay? ^_^ Jon: Take your time, Skrib. Obscure riff, by the way. Scott: (blinking) Skrib's here? NeoVid: Hey, Skrib! You done with your intro part yet? Skrib (VO): Sorry, my manager's still studying for exams. He'll get back by the end of the week, promise. (A crashing sound can be heard in the distance.) Scott: And there goes the Fourth Wall. R. Jak: We didn't need it. > The shadowy man > flicked on four of his NeoVid: ...Pairs of pants. They were that small... > security > monitors grinning; he pressed buttons > five and seven Scott: [master] OK, that should make fifteen... >on a small eight-button > array by his side. Jon: Then it exploded. > "I shall dispose of > the two males with my patented > Deathbeds(tm), Scott: Uh oh. You know what this means... Jon: You don't mean... Scott: Yes. Deathbed(tm) soliloquies(tm). > and the you shall bring > one of the girls to me for analysis." Jon: So that's what they call it these days... > "Very good master, will there be > anything NeoVid: [Butler] ...Slightly entertaining going on soon? Jon: [Master] You know better than that. > else?" R. Jak [Master]: I want my OVALTINE! > "That will be all." The > mad scientist turned off the intercom > and turned to the massive machine in > the centre of his lab. "Soon... NeoVid: ...I shall catch 'em all. Jon: When Pokemon training goes too far: Next on Fox. > The > government will bow to may demands and > I shall have enough money to retire > from Mad Science! BWA Jon and NeoVid: When did it get here? > -HAHAHAHA!" > Laughed the scientist, rubbing his > hands in glee. Jon: [Scientist] My god! My hands are on fire! Skrib (VO): Does this one wear a lime-green coat? NeoVid: It would explain a lot. > * > > ****************** *COMMERCIAL BREAK* > ****************** Jon: Oh good. Another intermission. (He gets up and is faced with a row of railguns.) Evil Kate (VO): Back in your seat. Jon: But it's a commercial! Evil Kate (VO): I don't care. Sit down. Jon: (sits down) I want more popcorn... R. Jak: Reminds me of the Dream City Theater in a lot of ways. > Tired of eating the same old breakfast? Scott: Can you write down a number? NeoVid: Are you over 21? R. Jak: Do you have your parent's credit card? Jon: Can you draw this babe? > Well why not try new Jusenky-os? Simply > add cold milk and these delicious > breakfast treats become all kinds of > morning delights! NeoVid: Like Laetitia Costa. > "That is bowl of > drowned sugar coated cornflakes! Jon: Which is nice if you don't mind terminally soggy cereal. NeoVid: That is also sound like Thinker or Khnt! Mr. Khnt (VO): I not Thinker! > Very > tragic legend of sugar frosted > cornflakes that drowned there two > thousand years ago..." "*Gasp* Not bowl > of drowned chocolate flavoured cereal > Os!" "Ah, you dine from bowl of drowned > puffed rice." R. Jak: Not stream of drowned bacon bits! Oh no! > Breakfast time will never > be the same! NeoVid: Now it'll be at night! > Warning: Do not ingest > cereal, may result in annoying but > amusing R Jak: ..Advertising. Well, not 'amusing'... > curse. "Oh no! Not bowl of > drowned toast!" Skrib (VO): I had that once. It was a rather enlightening experience. So nowadays, whenever I firebreathe someone, I think of that time to remind myself how the other guy feels. Scott: That's nice. Just work on getting us out of here. Skrib (VO): Okay, okay... ^^;;; > * > > As the night wore on, the Do-Gooders > and their travelling companions > dreamed... Scott: ...Of electric sheep. > well, most of them did > anyway. Scott: Hentai. ^_^ Jon: Yes? > * > > Tejina opened her NeoVid: ...Shirt! *whack* Ow. > eyes. She was on a > stage, but not any like she had ever > performed on. Skrib (VO): All the world's a stage, and all people are merely actors. NeoVid: 'Cept for the guy who sells popcorn. > The stage was carpeted > red and had a small stairway in the > back. NeoVid: She was on Showtime at the Apollo. > Tejina found herself Jon: Oh good! Then she doesn't have to look anymore. Can we go home now? > walking up > these steps and then spinning around Jon: ...Until she fell off the stage from dizziness. > to > face the audience. Tejina looked to > either side of her. About a dozen men > wearing tuxedoes R Jak: And masks. Jon: And wielding torches and pitchforks... Skrib (VO): Woo... Kinky. > walked in from the > sides of he stage, their eyes focused > on her. Jon: More specifically, on her nicely rounded... R. Jak: Grr... Jon: ...ear lobes. Gotta love a girl with nice ear lobes. > She began to sing, for no > apparent reason. R. Jak and Scott: o/ Oh my hero, so far away now... Jon: Wrong play, dummies. > "Some boys kiss me, > some boys hug me, NeoVid: Some just want to fu... (He looks over at R. Jak, who is brandishing his bat again.) NeoVid: Nothing. > I think they're OK..." Scott: But the kids aren't. > She continued singing as the men > danced around her, all of them showing Jon: Yeek. ^_^ > off expensive watches and rings. Jon: Oh. Okay, carry on. > To her > mild surprise, she began stealing R. Jak: ...Our sanity, as we tried to figure this out. > these > items from right out of their hands and > pushing the men away. Scott: It's the musical version of Mono Puff's "I Love To Steal". > [I must be > dreaming] She thought accurately [But > what is it symbolic of?] Jon: (bitterly) It's symbolic of how all women shamelessly take you for all you've got, and then throw you away like garbage once you stop being interesting to them. > The song > rolled to a close, Scott: ...then it crashed through the close and proceeded to run down Harrison Ford. (Skrib pipes the Indiana Jones Theme through the theater speakers.) > the audience > applauded and cheered, Jon: [audience] Best rack I've ever seen! NeoVid: [audience] Take it OFF, baby! > and the back of > the stage lifted up again. The familiar > face of Villyn grinned at her from > behind a podium. Jon: (nervously) WHERE'S THE REST OF HIM?!? >"Our contestant has > successfully completed the challenge > from THE WHEEL OF NeoVid: [Villyn] ...ELECTRIFIED POINTY THINGS! > HUMILIATION!" "Huh? > What? AGH!" The agh came as Tejina > looked down and realised that her > costume was totally unsuited to the > routine she had just done. R. Jak: She's dressed as an Armour Hot Dog! > For one > thing, it featured cones as a major > part of its design. Scott: Hey, it worked for the Coneheads! > [Oh right, just > this dream again.] She thought with a > small measure of relief. "Now, Tejina, > will you claim R Jak: [Villyn] ...That you are really a Sailor Moon ripoff? > your prize or SPIN THE > WHEEL?" Tejina paused at this. "I'll > take my prize." All: TAKE THE BLOW IN THE HEAD! THE BLOW ON THE HEAD! > Tejina's answer was met > with the sort of silence that would > have normally been impossible without a > complete vacuum. Scott: Not counting the one inside the host's skull. Jon: Funny, my vacuum is never silent when I use it... wonder what parts I'm missing, if it's not complete? > The armoured host > shuffled his question cards. "Uh... > You're supposed to spin the wheel." > "No, I want to take my prize and go > home." The host formed a sweat drop on > his right temple. "Please? Spin the > wheel one more time." "Let me guess... Scott: [Tejina] There are little blue men hiding in my hair, and they control my mind. R. Jak: [Tejina] Amelia Erhart is happily married to Jimmy Hoffa and Bigfoot. NeoVid: [Tejina] The secret ingredient in Coca-Cola is Pepsi. Jon: [Tejina] Skrib eats lamps by midnight. Skrib (VO): Hey! > The really humiliating question or > challenge is next, isn't it?" "Well... > yes, but I assure you you'll get a good > prize." "No." "Aw, you're no fun any > more," whined the host. Jon: [host] I mean, I heard you were supposed to know how to use... R Jak: AHEM. > "Well, just > take a seat in the audience then." Scott: That's her prize? > "Wait a minute, where's my prize?" > Asked Tejina. NeoVid: [host] A three day cruise with David Hasselhoff! Scott: [Tejina] WHAT? NeoVid: [host] Told you you wouldn't like it. > "What?" Asked the > slightly disappointed host. "Oh, right. > Bring it in lads!" Two muscular > stagehands Jon: [Tejina] Now that's a prize! > brought in Tejina's prize. > She stared at it, amazed that her > subconscious could come up with > something THIS weird. Jon: I'm hesitant to make suggestions. NeoVid: I'm not. It's clearly a 100-foot tall intangible invisible statue of Leonardo DiCaprio. > "Contestant > number 2, you've won... ENOUGH PEANUT > BUTTER TO FILL A BATHTUB!" Jon: [host] Now GET IN! > Tejina's jaw > dropped as far as it could go without > causing lasting injury. "Doesn't it > even come in jars?" "Nope." "But isn't > it a little unsanitary?" "Hey, don't > knock it, you're getting a free bathtub > as well." Scott: And we all know that a teenager's first major investment is... a bathtub. > Tejina sighed and walked > offstage, taking a seat next to a teen > who kept staring at her coniferous > costume, much to her annoyance. R. Jak: He's pretty fly for a hentai. > The > next contestant answered all the > questions, performed the same challenge > as Tejina and won the star prize. Jon: And we never got to see it. Normally I'd complain about that. > "...and tonight's star prize winner has > won... A DATE WITH KIZUNA FROM THE > BISHOUNEN BOYZ!" Scott: [contestant] But I'm a boy! R. Jak: [host] I don't think it matters, son. > All the fangirls in > the crowd cheered the handsome bassist > ran on stage and embraced the lucky > winner. "Aw hell." Said contestant > number 3, Richard, "and I wanted the > peanut butter..." Skrib (VO): This "Richard" probably wears frilly underwear too. Jon: Hey, don't knock it! They make you feel light and airy... (Everyone else just... stares at Jonatan.) > * > > Hanaki's badly remembered dreams were > chaotic and strange. R. Jak: It involved Tipper Gore. > When asked about > it later, NeoVid: She screamed "You shall never possess the Necronomicon!", leapt through a window, and fell into the river. They never saw her again. > all she could remember was Jon: Who that Maud person was. > that it involved her dancing on stage > and singing to a wild crowd, and then > her being seduced by a secret agent > with a really groovy looking car. She > had to admit, it was a bit silly. Skrib (VO): ...mostly since the secret agent kept saying, "Yeah, Baby, Yeah"! > * > > Ayame was dreaming of shopping, which > was a regular occurrence in her > nocturnal rest. Currently she was in Scott: A state of total insanity. > an > electronic store, eyeing up a TV she > was pretty keen on, the one with the > 30-inch screen Jon: You Know You're Going To Have A Tough Time In The Navy When... your room is fitted with a 12-inch Admiral, and you realize it's not a TV. > and full satellite > access to virtually every station on > the planet. She stared in glee at one Scott: Welcome to the Subliminal Control Channel! > of the music channels, which was > showing some teen-idol band dancing > about on stage. Jon: Arrgh! BOY BANDS! SHI-NE! (leaps at the screen and, predictably, bounces off.) Oww... > A passing store clerk > paused to take a look at the band and > then walked off muttering something > about them making money for absolutely > nothing. Scott: Hey, that's the way to do it, you know. NeoVid: And the chicks are free, too. > Ayame switched over to one of > the European channels. The station was > currently showing some sort of Sci-fi > program, which was quite funny, despite > the fact that it was NeoVid: ...about lard. Scott: It's lard. No, really, it's lard. OH MY GOD, WE'RE GONNA GET SUED! Skrib (VO): No, it's about a group of superpowered individuals trapped in a high-tech theater by a deranged mad scientists and forced to watch bad movies... R. Jak: Sure, rub it in, why don't you? >_< Skrib (VO): Whoops. ^^;;; > being shown in a > completely different language. R. Jak: Pig Latin-American. > Fortunately Sailor exposition's powers > lay in language, so this was not a > problem. "Herr Flibble tycker inte om > galna maenniskor, jag maoste tyvaerr > doeda er..." Scott: Can't say the same for us, though... Jon: Speak for yourself, it's my language. Fĺnar. ^_^ NeoVid: ...Man, I love this show. [Flibble] Farbror Arnie steker dom levande med sin trollblick... > Said the cross dressing > hologram sinisterly, Jon: I guess the holodoc really got off the deep end when Janeway started growing melons in her hair. > just before it was > interrupted by a sudden news flash. All: o/~ Flash! Aaaah! Saviour of the universe! o/~ > A froody looking reporter appeared, > holding a microphone in his hand which R. Jak: ...was severed at the wrist... > had the letters YTV written on it. > "Dude... you must go to Stockholm." Skrib (VO): Poor Yarslov, reduced to bit cameos after his series ended... NeoVid: Yeah, the only one to reach success afterwards was Marlo... Good for him! > "Why must I go to this great European > city?" Asked Ayame, even though a > simple "Eh?" would have sufficed. Jon: [Yarslov] Great European city? Have you ever BEEN there? Oh wait, I suppose you haven't. > "Oops > sorry, wrong dreamer." The reporter > sighed. "Looks like the department of > mystical destinies has Scott: Become so contrived that even they can't make sense of things. > messed it up > again..." Skrib (VO): When in doubt, blame bureaucracy. > "Why has this most excellent > television channel never been available > to me before, despite the fact the TV > in my home has over two thousand > channels? Jon: All showing porn! But to obtain top-quality Tacky Swedish Porn (tm), Stockholm is where you'll have to look. Scott: Big industry? Jon: Third greatest export, after furniture and phony accents. > The Nakaos even have the > Czechoslovakian arts and crafts > channel." Jon: Showing kids all over the world how to exploit the environment and deploy huge cathedrals everywhere. Unfortunately it's dubbed, so the viewers haven't got a clue what the shows are about. Sad, ne? > Exposited Ayame curiously. Scott: As did someone else. Jon: Well excuse me! > "It's a private channel," explained the > European. "it's only available to one > specific person and he chooses the > programs for his own enjoyment. Ayame > paused while she considered this. Skrib (VO): Why is Yarslov narrarating all of a sudden? NeoVid: He has to fill out his paycheck somehow. > Though she would be the first to agree > that her talents were better suited to NeoVid: Find muffins in the woods. > radio (her agreement would probably > last until the final person agreed) she > was also pretty keen on television. > [All Ayame! All the time!] Skrib (VO): One of the few things Man Was Not Meant To Do. NeoVid: Oh, I could do Ayame all the- OW!!! > She thought > about the possibility of a 24-hour > Shakespeare marathon to watch at night. Jon: Madre dias, woman! The mere suggestion makes my hair stand on end! NeoVid: Looks pretty cool, though. (pokes at Jonatan's hair) > "I desire one of the personal channels > for myself please!" Declared Ayame. > "Uh, sorry babe, you can't. ALL: Whew. > Now if > you'll excuse me I've got to get back > the Swedish branch of the DMD and > straighten this out." Jon: Yes, I'm sure there's a lot of girls there, eager to... straighten it out. ^_^ > "That is not fair > my Scandinavian friend! I want my... I > want my..." Ayame was lost for a NeoVid: ...month, until they found her under the seat cushions. > station name, no amusing titles > presented themselves, so she settled > for the unoriginal option. "I want my NeoVid: Sanity back! > Ayame TV!" "It's only available to > people with mystical destinies who're > too dumb to listen to other stuff. And > I'm not a Scandinavian, I'm a Scott: ...lumberjack! > pan-dimensional demi-god from dimension > ZZ9 Plural Alpha!" "Not so fast my > pan-dimensional demi-god from dimension > ZZ9 Plural Alpha-ian friend! I'll get > that station if it kills you!" R. Jak: Now that'd be cool... a station that kills people. > "Do you > realise how much those things cost? I'm > gone." Said the reporter, turning and > walking into the background of the > picture. Jon: *BONK!* NeoVid: [Yarslov] Ow! Where did that come from? > * Skrib (VO): Only ONE??? I'd give this fic two and a half stars. Scott: This fic wouldn't have two and a half stars if it was a CONSTELLATION, Skrib. > Becky sat on the side of her bed, > looking over some Scott: ...hentai doujinshi. > note books Scott: Oh, sure, that's what -she- says... ^_- R. Jak: (tries to peek) Wow. How can she look so happy when she's bending like that? > she's > brought in her trench coat, invoking > Insomniac rule #214: NeoVid: "You can rip off H! Classic whenever you feel like it." > The protagonist > doesn't need sleep if her friend is > talking loudly in her sleep and she has > a headache due to dual split > personalities. Skrib (VO): Um, quick question, guys... how many personalities does Becky have? Two or three? R. Jak: Four of them, but they can't act crap. Jon: Three, idiot. Becky, BA-3, and Ivrysse. Scott: Judging by this fic, I'd have to say none. > She was looking through > the notes she'd made on her mission. > The main gig locations were all points > of definite interest, either because Jon: ...They were near nude beaches. Scott: I guess Kireiko had a part in those plans, hmm? > of > strange goings on, evidence of large > energy surges or just general > weirdness. Skrib (VO, as Becky): Hmm... Disneyland?!? NeoVid: I'm not sure, but I think IM Studios are on that list... > Some of the happenings may > just have been red herrings but she > still had to look at every single one Jon: And conduct strip searches on everyone involved. Skrib (VO): Gotta love Pandemonium. > of the cases, just to be sure. Becky > sighed and thought back to Scott: ...when she was appearing in good fics. R. Jak: But her memory didn't go back that far. > BA-3's > training. The memory of the academy had > mostly been erased, R. Jak: With a really big eraser. > for security reasons, Jon: [Computer] Citizen Beck-Y-AND-1, you are not cleared for this information. > but one thing she could still > remember was the rather odd NeoVid: ...Teacher in the silk shorts. > teamwork > training she had received. Jon: Tantric gymnastics, maybe? > The memory > of the choreography classes was > probably too funny to forget, Jon: FAME! I'm gonna live forever...! R. Jak: Jon, NO! > especially that one where they'd been > learning to "Slide" Jon: [Crow] 'Let's slide', he says. He thinks it's some kinda dance. Lemme tell you, boy, you're never gonna be a crow. > and one of the > captured aliens had joined in halfway > through. NeoVid: It's official; Becky is one of Will Smith's back-up dancers. > She smiled at the treasured > memory and looked back at the map. She > suddenly realised something that may be > of grave importance. R Jak: But will really just be a deadend in the plot. NeoVid: [Becky] There were four members of the Beatles, not three! > She took out a > pencil and joined up the locations of > the incidents with lines. Finishing she > looked excitedly at the result. Scott: [Becky] Ooh. Dave Grohl! > Yes, it > she squinted just a bit, it looked > like... A map with a load of lines > drawn on it. R. Jak: Hmm... (reads map label) "Lima after the Second Sun"... the Hell?!? Scott: That's one's too obscure. R. Jak: Yes. Even I don't know what it means. > Becky sighed and went back > to work on the mysterious incidents > across the world. Scott: So Becky works part-time for the X-Files? > "Come back here you > Scandinavian cheapskate!" Shouted > Ayame, for no obvious reason. > > * Skrib (VO): Anyone up for another star joke? NeoVid: STARBUCKS! IT'S SPREADING! R Jak: He said "joke." > Matsuro was dreaming of his apartment, > as it had been before the dwarves had > moved in, Jon: Before the "infestation" then. > meaning it was small. You > could swing a cat in it, but only if > your cat didn't mind having it's head > whacked off the walls a few times. Scott: Therefore, you can't. NeoVid: But it's still fun. ^_^ Jon: What if the cat swings you? > Matsuro ignored the cramped conditions R. Jak: And magically managed to fit. It's the power of ignorance. > and turned his TV onto the news > channel, which was showing the weather > report. "-rising, NeoVid: Huh. X rated weather repor- Ow. > and the barometer's getting Jon: ...down and jiggy with it! > low and according to all > sources, the stree-" Matsuro turned off > the TV just then, as he had noticed > something much more interesting. R. Jak: A copy of Ebony magazine. NeoVid: [Matsuro] That dog's got a puffy tail! > A man > had just fallen past his window. This > wouldn't have concerned Matsuro much > normally, as he knew that Mr Wasabi, All: WAAAASSSAAAAABI! > who lived on floor 25, had been a bit > depressed lately, and suicides were not > uncommon in today's high-pressure > society. R. Jak: Yeah, you can hardly walk around without some depressed day trader falling on you. > The fact that another man, > carrying an umbrella, had closely > followed him had bothered him enough to > stand up and look out the window. > Covering Tokyo as far as he could see > was Scott: ...A bloody splatter. Skrib (VO): The world's largest hamster! Jon: Lard. I'm not kidding, it's lard. OH MY GOD, WE'RE GONNA GET SUED! > a large cloud, from which various > muscular and bishounen males were > falling, some of them carrying > umbrellas. NeoVid: It's an invasion of Mary Poppins impersonators! No! > Down on the streets, a large > percentage of Tokyo's females were > rushing about, seeking the perfect man. Scott: I see that Matsuro's having issues. Jon: Not only does he have issues, he's got a year's subscription, complete with CD inserts. > Were it not for the fact that the lack > of a Vallhallic hall was a big enough > clue, this would be the point where > Matsuro realised that this was a dream. R. Jak: I wish we could say the same. Jon, pinch me. Jon: Sorry, I don't swing that way. ^_^;; > From his lucid dream experiences he > knew that he didn't have to worry about > injury or pain while Scott: ...Falling. Hitting the ground was something else entirely. > dreaming, so > rather than taking the lift, he simply > opened the window and leapt out. Jon: The only way to travel. Scott: And how much time do you spend in traction? > As he > passed the fifteenth floor, it occurred > to him that as he did not normally have > dreams about showers of men Jon: So he IS normal. I was starting to wonder. > that this > dream may not follow the normal rules, Scott: 1. Don't call after 23:00. NeoVid: Don't throw porcupines in balloon stores. Jon: Always wear underwear. > and hitting the ground may actually > hurt a bit. R. Jak: [Cypher] Everybody falls the first time. Jon: Why would you want to hit the ground, anyway? What did it ever do to you? > He flipped over as he fell R. Jak: That way, damage would be limited to his head. > and kicked himself off the wall of his > building, then, after punching out a > falling bishounen and nicking his > umbrella, he glided safely to the > ground. Scott: Or he *would* have, if the nick in the umbrella hadn't wrecked its air resistance and made him fall like a rock. > "Whoo!" Cried one of the women. > "God bless Mother Nature!" "Yeah." > Agreed another. "She must be a single > woman too." Matsuro thought about this > for a second. [So Earth's a bastard > child? That explains a lot...] Skrib (VO): The Gaia Theory, for one. Jon: Most people who know the full story would agree that she'd better keep quiet about the father. R. Jak [Earth]: It's not nice to call Mother Nature names. > Strolling through the streets, > occasionally lightly fending off > suitors he slowly made progress NeoVid: Unlike the storyline. > to > Suzuhara Park, where he found his > mother dancing with four handsome men. NeoVid: Unfortunately, it was 98 Degrees. Jon and R. Jak: Gaaaaaaaaak. > "Mother. There had better be a good > explanation for this..." NeoVid: [Akemi] Yeah, I'm drunk! > Akemi turned > around, still dancing, noticing her son > for the first time. Scott: [Akemi] Who the heck are you? > "Hello son. Got me > any grandchildren yet?" Jon: [Matsuro] Dammit, I've stolen fourteen grandchildren for you only this month! The police will be on to me soon! > "Never mind > that, why am I dreaming this?" Scott: [Akemi] Filler. The author needed to pad the chapter. > "Well, > as the dead don't sleep I need to use > your mind for dreams, hope you don't > mind." Scott: Woo, kinky. Jon: She can use my mind any time. ^_^ > "Actually mother, I do. Could > you please stop this now so I can get NeoVid: ...some with Keiko? *SMASH* Ow. > back to dreaming about the end of the > world?" Matsuro's dead mother shrugged. > "You can't stop me NeoVid: [Akemi] You really can't!! MWAAAHAAHAAAAA! > from doing this, as > part of the legacy I have a controlling > interest in your subconscious. I'll > only be another six hours." Jon: Six hours of contiuous fangirl fantasies? Pardon me while I valiantly struggle not to retch. R. Jak: I hope my mom doesn't do that when she dies. > Matsuro > would have shouted at her at this > point, were it not for his self-control > and his reasonable attitude. [Since > this is my mind...] he thought [I must > have at least some control.] Slowly, > the apocalypiticness Jon: ...which isn't a real word... > of his dreams > returned, twisting the already twisted > reality to a more comfortably realistic > state. Scott: Since when do you consider the APOCALYPSE realistic? Jon: When the four riders trade in their horses for Harleys. NeoVid: It's the four hawgs of the apocalypse! R. Jak: No, it's supposed to be elephants. > It was still raining men, but > much to Akemi's annoyance, they all R. Jak: Turned into Hagawa, the underage bishonen. > splattered into the ground gorily, as > real humans are wont to do. NeoVid: Well, not always. Scott: You don't count. > Within a > minute, the streets of Tokyo had > cleared as even the most desperate of > single women ran inside. Jon: Looks like 'Bucket-o-Bishonen' was a fiasco, after all. (R. Jak turns green.) > "Must you > always spoil my fun?" asked Akemi, > annoyed. "Mother, either tell me > something useful or go away." Jon: [Mom] Okay. Use Brylcreem so the girls don't run away from you again. > Akemi > folded her arms. "Hmph. Well I do have > something important to tell you but > since you're such a NeoVid: ...unentertaining little wanker... > spoilsport I'm not > going to tell you." Matsuro almost > sighed, but stopped himself in time. R. Jak: Now trapped in stasis, Matsuro was unable to help his friends. The end. > "The dwarves are throwing a party at my > place, there'll be so much alcohol in > the area the air will probably catch > fire. NeoVid and Jon: So they're lighting their farts then? (NeoVid and Jon stare at each other dumbfounded.) R. Jak: Tis true. Great minds think alike. > Fun enough?" Akemi smiled > gleefully. "Right then. When you wake > up, be careful not to move, or you'll > be impaled by several hideously sharp > blades. It'll hurt. A lot. Jon: Looks like Desolation had a finger in the writing of this. Skrib (VO): I'll be sure to fry him the next time I see him. NeoVid: How do you like my Death Support System? > Good bye." > And with that she disappeared in a > small burst of miscellaneous horror > movie effects, because Akemi thought it > looked quite nifty. Matsuro hopped > neatly to the left, avoiding an impact > with a similarly grim bishounen who hit > the ground with a sickening thud. Scott: Kamikaze bishounen. A weapon so dangerous, Japan refused to use it in World War 2. > He > brushed a piece of shattered tibia off > his school uniform and tried to will > himself awake. In the end he gave up > and went to the little coffee shop > across the road. Skrib (VO): The Fourth Avenue Cafe? NeoVid: It's the one run by Johnny Holiday. ^_^ > * > Skrib (VO): Oh, look, the North Star. Jon: (looks around warily) Kenshiro better not be in this... > Keiko didn't know how long she had been > watching Matsuro sleep, after all, she > was watching him and not the 18-century > carriage clock on the mantelpiece. NeoVid: It wasn't that... equipped. R. Jak: Dude, stop stealing Jon's lines. Jon: Hey, the more the merrier, no da. > Seeing that he was in a deep sleep, she > decided to risk stealing a kiss while > its owner slept. Leaning over, [All hum the Mission Impossible theme] > she > placed her lips on his and kissed. At > this moment, Matsuro awoke, Scott: [as the Author] ...so I guess he wasn't in a deep sleep after all. My bad. > to find > this romantic theft in progress. R. Jak: [Matsuro] HEY! GIVE BACK MY MANHOOD! NeoVid: [Keiko] I've stolen your heart! Jon: [Matsuro] No you di- GAKKK! *thud* NeoVid: [Keiko] See? I needed bishonen heart for my next spell! > This > would have normally caused him to > flinch, but every muscle in his body > remained still. That is, except for his > heart, which was racing Jon: ...Out the door. NeoVid: [heart] I'm not getting stolen again! > at this > not-unpleasant surprise. Scott: I'd get matainance on that. > Keiko leaned > back to a seated position, NeoVid: Assume the position! > and then she > noticed Matsuro had woken up and put > her fingertips to her lips, blushing > slightly. [A kiss woke him...] she > thought as a mild feeling of guilt was > suppressed by her aura of evil. R. Jak: Uh...duh? > [This > is like something out of a fairy > tale... Sleeping Bishounen perhaps?] > Keiko giggled slightly at the thought. Scott: She was easily amused. > Matsuro merely turned his eyes towards > her and spoke with a careful tone of > voice. Jon: [Matsuro] Er...hate to be so out of it, but did you just kiss me? > "Keiko, do you know any > levitation spells?" NeoVid: [Matsuro] I heard about the other things they can be used for... > Keiko regained her > composure at this odd question. "Er, > hai, NeoVid: Ebert's right... 'yes' is the hardest English word to learn! > but what do you need it for?" Jon: Gainaxing improvement. > "I need you to lift me off the bed, > slowly." "Why?" Scott: Oh, the possibilities... h.h R. Jak: Hey, now you cut it out! > "Keiko-chan, just do > it." Keiko nodded and stood up. > Whispering a few lines from a spell in > a tongue long forgotten by man and > beast alike, Scott: Esperanto. NeoVid: No one ever forgets a good tongue! > she raised her hands up > into the air Jon: And threw them about like she just didn't care. > and then slowly brought > then down with an expression of great > effort, as if miming shutting a > ludicrously over packed suitcase. > Matsuro floated up into the air until NeoVid: ...he crashed into the ceiling. > he was full three metres above the > floor. Reaching out, he grabbed the > lighting attachment Scott: [Matsuro] My POOKIE! > and pulled himself > into the air above the centre of the > room. NeoVid: Spell right, you stupid British person! It's CENTER! > Keiko stopped concentrating and > he swung gracefully down and landed on > his feet. NeoVid and Jon: TOGGG! > Keiko looked up at him, her > face a little red from effort. "Why > couldn't you just get yourself out of > bed?" Matsuro didn't answer, Jon: [Matsuro] You're a woman, so you deserve no answer. > at least > verbally. He brought a spare dime out > of his pocket and flicked it onto the bed. R. Jak: That's not how vibrating beds work, Matsuro. > As soon as the edge of the coin > touched down on the mattress, R. Jak: It exploded. > a > mechanism clicked and thousands of > razor sharp blades ripped through the > fabric of the bed, shredding it R Jak: Just like a copy of this fic found by a prereader. > to > linen smithereens. The dime rolled out > the end, falling to the floor. Matsuro > picked it up. It would be nice to say > that the blades had mangled the coin > beyond recognition, Jon: But at least it would get a Coke. > but as it was only > a couple of centimetres wide and a few > millimetres thick it had escaped any > significant damage. Had our bishounen > hero been on the bed then Scott: ...we would have had something to applaud. > he would have > been mangled beyond all recognition, > but as it was the only result was 10 > cents that wouldn't fit into a vending > machine anymore. NeoVid: Such a waste. R. Jak: Fine for HIM, but I bet the dime's family has some questions they can never answer. Why OUR son, they'd ask. Why not a fifty centavo piece, a German Mark, an Australian penny, or even a fifty yen piece? Why this tenth of a dollar? How much denial do we have to put up with while small bits of currency DIE EVERY DAY? (There is a long, long silence.) Scott: You need to get out, Ripper. Really. > Matsuro flicked the coin to Keiko, Jon: [Matsuro] And here's your tip. > who looked mildly > shocked. "Such an evil twisted > device..." she said to herself. "Wish > I'd thought of it." Scott: Yes, of course she'd love to shred her boyfriend. NeoVid: Sorry, there's a patent on the Death Support System. > Matsuro grunted > slightly as he drew his sword from his > stomach. "Let's go and check on the > others." Said Matsuro. Translated from > "Cool, moody bishounen style of > talking" into English, this means: NeoVid: Put on the studded collar and bark like a bull seal in heat. > "Let > the mass destruction begin!" > Skrib (VO): Does Matsuro have a Title of Mass Destruction? Jon: Yes, Apathy the Kooky Doombringer. Scott: Speaking of which... Skrib, have you figured out how to get us out of here? Skrib (VO): Not yet... Hey, I get it, there's a second Theater of Pain... Hang on for a bit more, guys, I'll go check on the other theater. Be back after a bit. (There is a loud beeping noise filtered through the speakers, then silence.) > * > Kireiko had fallen asleep quickly, NeoVid: He had been reading this fic. > blissfully unaware of the hideous Jon: ...person sneaking into his bed. > contraption beneath his bed. As normal > he was dreaming of NeoVid: ...being in any series but this one. > sexy women. Jon: Yup, that's fairly normal. > Unusually, his dreams lacked fast > motorcycles. [They'll probably NeoVid [Kireiko]: ...Run me over any second now. > turn up > later] he thought, though he was in no > real position to complain, NeoVid: He was folded at the waist. > what with > the fashion show. The various models > were all wearing outfits that were > designed to reveal a lot of flesh, Scott: Ew. Put your skin back on, will you? Jon: AUGH! NEMESIS FLASHBACK! (R. Jak throws a bucket of water on Jon) Jon: (sopping wet) Danke. R. Jak: De nada. (puts the bucket away.) > look > hideously expensive, be hideously > expensive and to make the wearer look > rich, fashionable and, above all else, > silly. Scott: Well, that's the real POINT, innit? > The current model was NeoVid: ...Strangely hairy, muscular, and had a really deep voice... R. Jak: Good Lord. He's in Rocky Horror Picture Show? > wearing > something that looked like it had been > stolen from the set of a 50's B-Movie. Scott: Like, um, Texas Chainsaw Massacre? > The outfit's designer was either mad, > under the influence of hallucinogenics > or, as was more likely, taking the > piss. Jon: Why must we choose? I want ALL of them! Scott: ...Taking the piss? NeoVid: [exact Lister] I am not pished! R. Jak: Okay, we KNOW you're English, Eslington! Don't cudgel us with the fact! > All this was lost on Kireiko, as he was Scott: ...Not exactly the brightest of bulbs. > enjoying himself too much to > care. "Whoo! Such lovely design!" He > shouted, Jon: Sounding like Robin Leach. > focusing on every detail of > the model that was visible, except the > outfit. A new model stepped onto the R. Jak: ...land mine, exploding messily. > catwalk, and took Kireiko's breath > away. Jon: [Model] Got your breath! Scott: [Kireiko] Damn it, give it back! Jon: [Model] Can't have it! Neener neener neener! > The part about motor cycles had > come into play. The model was NeoVid: ...a large, hairy Hell's Angel. > undeniably attractive, but she was > wearing an outfit Scott: [Kireiko] Damn! > that had been beaten > out of parts of a motorcycle, and > repainted chrome red with yellow > flames. Kireiko was in love. R. Jak: He was also slightly insane. So I'm not arguing. > He didn't > know what he wanted more, the girl or NeoVid: Peanut butter! > the little red number. [She's just too > funky for me...] he thought, silent R. Jak: Most people tend to be silent when they think, yes. > and grinning like an idiot. Scott: Which was appropriate. NeoVid: Hey, that's not true. Jon, is Kireiko supposed to be an idiot? Jon: In the canon? Nah. In this fic? Apparently. R. Jak: The sad thing is we don't know when the characters are in character or not. Scott: Can we assume they're all out of character? Jon: Simplifies things. > As the woman > reach the end of the catwalk, NeoVid: [woman] AAAAAH! *thud* > Kireiko's > head was turned R Jak: In a complete circle! He's EEEEVILE! > 45 degrees to the right > to observe the model meaning he was > able to notice something out of the > corner of his eye that alarmed him. Scott: Eric Roberts in leather chaps. NeoVid: Somebody stop that sentence! > Not one to rearrange his priorities at the > drop of a hat, Jon: How about the drop of a knitted cap with elk motifs? > he waited for the model > in the motorcycle outfit to leave > before he turned and said "DAD!" NeoVid: Scott! Scott: NeoVid! Jon: Scott! Scott: Jonatan! Jon: Jak! R. Jak: I'm not your father! > The oni grinned back at Kireiko. "Hello > Kireiko." All: HI, Dr. Nick! > His demonic father looked NeoVid: ...Better than any of the mod- OW! > up > at the stage, where another badly > dressed female was strutting her stuff. Jon: Looks pretty good to me. > "So this is what you dream about then?" NeoVid: [Kireiko] Matsuro's got apocalyptic visions, Tejina's got silly gameshows. I consider myself lucky. > "What did you think I dreamt about?" R. Jak: Jeannie? > He responded, shrugging. "Television?" > "That's what I thought." He answered as > he got out a small set of brushes and > set to work cleaning his set of pipes. Scott: Bran works better than brushes. NeoVid: Unless you're really into th- OW!!! (R. Jak turns and sees Jon with the bat) R. Jak: Why'd you do that for? Jon: He stole mine. > Kireiko cast an eye back to the catwalk Scott: It splattered messily against the floor. > and then began talking again. "So what > are you here about?" "Nothing much > really. R Jak: Something unimportant happening in this fic? What a shock. > I heard you were on a world > tour and I thought I'd just give you > some words of advice. Scott: [Oni] Don't tug on Superman's cape. Stay away from the brown acid. Above all else, to thine own self be true. > If you break down > somewhere in California then avoid Jon: [Oni] ...drinking the water. And don't breathe the air, either. NeoVid [Oni]: And for gosh sakes, don't go to Oakland! That's where Joel-chan lives! > going into any creepy mansions you see. > There's all sorts of crap in those > places that you do not want to know > about." "Uh dad, you might've told me > that earlier..." "Huh?" "I'm already in > some creepy NeoVid [Kireiko]: ...Relationships. REALLY creepy. > Californian mansion. It's a > bit too late to tell me." The demon > thought about this and then shrugged > "Ah well. I suppose the only advice I > can give you is to try not to get Jon: ...some. See, it's a basic rule in horror movies. You might as well invest in a tombstone right away. > killed. Now if you'll excuse me, NeoVid: [Kireiko] Why? What'd you do? > I've got to go." And with that he vanished. > Kireiko turned his attention back to > the catwalk. The woman sitting next to > him noticed his stares at the current > model. "Would you like me to introduce > you?" R. Jak: [woman] Of course, it'll cost you your soul... > Kireiko gawked at this offer and > wanted to remark how great she was for > making such an offer. "You're such a-" > Kireiko was Jon: ...So boring we were nearly going postal. > mildly lost for words. > "You're such a-" All: YES HE IS! > Nope, he just couldn't > sum up his gratitude. "Is that what > your trying to tell me?" Asked the > woman. NeoVid: Hey, she's reading the narraration! No fair! > "YEAH! YEAH!" Shouted Kireiko, > attracting the R. Jak: ...Guy with the chainsaw and leather mask, who hacked him into little tiny pieces, ending the fic. > attention of a few of > the fashion show's crowd. The woman > nodded towards the model. "Go Jon: ...west, life is peaceful there. R. Jak: Wasn't that a BIT weak, you think? Jon: It's all I can do to stay awake. Speaking of which... (NeoVid and Jon stare at Scott, who has fallen asleep. NV kicks out his feet, sending Scott to the floor.) Scott: (getting up) Why'd you do that...? Jon: We suffer equally, friend. > backstage, you can meet her NeoVid: [woman] 80-year old, bakemono-lookin' mother. > there." > Kireiko tried to jump from his seat, > but for some reason he couldn't. Jon: He was sitting on a chewing gum. NeoVid: And you are talking like a Khnt. R. Jak: Thinker. Scott: Thinking? Not here. > He roared in rage as he realised his hand > was stuck in the chair. Why? Scott: Well, why not? > Why could > he not move in this most essential of > hours? Jon: He needed to go that bad? > Kireiko woke up. And found one > of his claws was jammed NeoVid: ...and peanut buttered and between two slices of bread that were being held by a guy called Jumpy... > in the spring R. Jak [Kireiko]: Ah, spring. My favorite season to be caught in. > mechanism of a hideous death-trap. Scott: Aww, c'mon. It's an average-looking death-trap, at worst. It's even kind of cute when it smiles... > * > > Aki sighed in her sleep. The antique > Georgian sofa-bed was surprisingly > comfortable. She hadn't felt this > relaxed in months. Away from the cares > she left in Japan. Scott: My head hurts from the statements. Jon: Short lines aren't fun. NeoVid: It really pisses me off. R Jak: Yep. > She felt an inner peace All: Ohmmm... NeoVid: Ohmmm... ohmm on the range... > that came from sleeping on a > comfortable bed thousands of miles from > the craziness that was Jon: The ususal plot of DG. > her father and > quite a few metres away from the noise > that was Kireiko sleeping. She felt R. Jak: ...herself, and an angel cried. > like she was on some wonderful > spiritual sedation like... Aki's mind > searched for an idea... NeoVid: Her mind is surprisingly active for a person who's ASLEEP! > Novocaine for > the soul or something. Scott: Before she sputters out... > She smiled > cutely in her sleep, she'd have to > mention this to Scott: ...someone who cared. > Tejina, it'd be a good > title for a song. She breathed out, > relaxing. Unfortunately for Aki, Jon: ...she forgot to breathe in, and soon died from asphyxation. > he > feeling of Novocaine for the Soul was > suddenly replaced for Adrenaline Scott: Replaced for adrenaline... Thinker? > for > the ancient survival instinct and then > Chloroform for the target magical girl. R. Jak: Then suddenly, out came "Truckin'" by the Grateful Dead. > * > > Matsuro opened the door and stepped > inside, his boots making a dramatic NeoVid: jingle jingle (Jon hums the opening from The Good, the Bad and the Ugly.) > thumping noise as he stood in Tejina > and Hanaki's room. The synchronous > sisters turned NeoVid: ...into psychotic maniacs and went homicidal... > over and looked up at > the bishounen guy and then sat up, > pulling the bedclothes up to cover > themselves. Jon: Rats. > For most girls, having a > bishounen in your bedroom is usually a > good thing. NeoVid: If you're a slavering fangirl, yes. > But when he's also wielding > a sword, it's possibly a bad thing. Scott: (snaps fingers) So that's what I've been doing wrong! > As > this was Matsuro, things were middled > out at reasonably OK. "What do you > want?" R. Jak: [Matsuro] A thousand pardons. I thought this was the john. Jon: [Matsuro] Pardon me, do you have some Grey Poupon? > Asked Tejina, through a mist NeoVid: She's asking through a MiSTing? The hell? > of > post waking sleepiness but with an edge > that comes to the surprised. "Get out > of bed. Now." Commanded Matsuro. The > girls were on their feet a second > later. Scott: And on their faces another second later. Momentum is an ugly thing. > "What's this about?" asked > Hanaki. "Someone tried to kill me; we > may all be at risk." "What makes you > think someone tried to kill you?" Scott: [Matsuro] Have you SEEN the food they serve here?! > After > giving them time to get dressed, > Matsuro showed them the evidence. Jon: [Tejina] That's nice, Matsuro. Now put your pants on again. > Keiko > led Ayame and Becky in. Becky stepped > up to the bed, ran her hand over the > side of one of he blades R. Jak: [Becky] Aiee! My hand! MOMMY! > and put her > hand to her chin. "Hmm..." Hmmed the > Magic secret agent girl "It looks like > someone was trying to kill you." > Everyone facefaulted. "No crap, > Cluseau." Said Keiko. "Where's Kireiko > and Aki?" Jon: In the closet, making like rabbits. Scott: Making rabbits? Jon: No, I... R. Jak: Jon, no. Jon: Okay. But he... R. Jak: SHUT UP! > Asked Hanaki. The group all > went into the last room. Where they > found Kireiko struggling with his bed. > "Hey! Help me outta this thing." Said Kireiko. NeoVid: Looks like Kireiko is a proud subscriber to "Do Not Act". > Becky stepped over and looked > down at Kireiko's trapped claw. "Hmm... Scott: [Becky] ...you need a manicure. > I think if I jam this thing we can get > you out." Becky took a quarter out of > her pocket and wedged it between two > cogs hidden in the mattress. "There, > now if we can just get you to transform > back you should be fine." > > * > > Aki awoke to the sound of maniacal > laughter. R. Jak: It was canned applause from "Full House". She forgot to turn the TV off. > This was quite normal for her > as she was normally woken up each > morning at 6:30 by her father's evil > overlord alarm clock. (Which he had > obtained by sending in the box tops > from fifty boxes of Asgard Crispies, Scott: Don't you hate it when immortals have to stoop to commercialism to pay off back debts? > having given up on the swords of > duality project after the minions had > to be rushed to hospital after their > tenth bowl.) R. Jak: They're that potent? Jon: Yah. If you can survive a bowl of Asgard Crispies, you can probably survive anything. > But this was a different > kind of evil laughter. "Aha ha ha > ha..." laughed the scientist quietly. > Aki recognised the type of laughter, Jon: #37-B. > this laugh was the sort used by those > who had evil schemes to make themselves > rich. She'd even heard Kireiko's dad > use it once. Scott: His voice was sore for three weeks after that, actually. > A breeze blew though the > room and Aki shivered. [That's odd. It > can't be that cold down here...] Aki > looked down, and regretted it. Normally > when people look down and feel regret > it's because of R. Jak: Elves? > vertiphobia. Aki was > only a metre off the ground. What made > her feel regret was the fact that she > had been bound to a table by bands of > steel. (The group gasps.) NeoVid: It's... it's... All: COUNTESS CHRONICLES?!? > What made it worse was the fact > that as her clothing was in a pile in > the corner, the bands of metal were the > only thing maintaining this fic's PG > rating. (All sigh appreciatively.) Jon: I don't care what anyone says. That image alone makes up for any crappiness from before. Scott: If only those bands could be moved... NeoVid: A few inches south, maybe? Scott: Or north. Any which way is fine. R. Jak: Guys, just cut it out. You people act like you've never seen an anime chick naked before. > [Well...] Thought Aki, trying > to be optimistic, as had been suggested > to her at group [...at least it covers > more than the old sailor Joy costume.] Scott: What do you mean AT LEAST? > Aki tried to move, but found that the > manacles made it impossible. She looked > down again and noticed that connected > to various points on her body were > strange electrodes that seemed to be > attached by some sort of energy field. Scott: And she knew that they were connected to an energy field... how? R. Jak: She read the script. > Aki turned her head and noticed a man > wearing a lab coat standing with his > back to her. "Hey! What do you think > you're doing?" NeoVid: (nudges Jonatan) Isn't that your IP avatar? Jon: So that's where he went off to... I was wondering. > * > > Becky examined the sofa-bed with a > magnifying glass. R. Jak: And promptly set fire to it. > Something caught her > eye and she picked it up with a pair of > tweezers. "It looks like a strand of > Aki's hair... Jon: [Becky] Let's put it in someone's food! > At least, it's the same > colour as Aki's." Kireiko's looked up > from the bed, a puzzled expression on > his face. "Hey guys, can you smell > something?" Scott: Certainly! What do you want us to smell? > The rest of the Do-Gooders sniffed the air. Jon: Hey, Jak... R. Jak: Yeah? Jon: Looks like they're... tasting the air. R. Jak: What? (pales) AAAAAAAARGH! DAMN YOU! Jon: Heh. Scott: I really don't want to know... R. Jak and Jon: You don't. > "Now that you mention > it..." Began Tejina, "There is a > faint-" "-aroma of chloroform in the > air." Finished Hanaki. NeoVid: [Tejina] Fine, but I was gonna say sandalwood. > "Well, I think > this indicates that someone, most > likely our host, has kidnapped Aki" > Concluded Becky. "Uh, actually I meant > that smell of alcohol from over there." (pause, then everyone looks at Jon) Jon: (pauses in mid-sip) But I was thirsty. NeoVid: Unless you have enough to go around, put it away. Jon: Oh, okay. (puts the drink away) > As one, the Do-Gooders turned to look > at the corner, there, hidden behind a > waste paper basket, was a small cute > (If a bit mangy) black cat. Scott: Luna? How'd she get here? > "Daisy?" > asked Tejina. "Ratsh, spotted." Cursed > Daisy, staggering out from behind the > basket. "What are you doing here?" R. Jak: [Daisy] Short cameo. > Asked Hanaki. "Well me and the other > advishors were wondering where you > were, so we deshided to sherch for you. > And now that I've found you I'd better > tell the othersh you're here." Tejina > thought about this for a moment, the > extra food they'd need to buy, the > lectures on the crystal city and the > inevitable arguments with customs, Jon: Kitties have problems with customs? > and > wanted none of it. "Daisy, we'd prefer Scott: ...blondes. > it if you didn't tell the other > advisors about this." "Why shouldn't > I?" "Well... If you go now then > there'll be no one to open that drinks > cabinet over there." "Get outta my > way." Screeched the cat as it dashed Jon: Looks like Daisy uses the MK button style. > over to the cabinet. Tejina spoke. NeoVid: What she said was unimportant. She spoke. She spoke. And that's the important thing. > "Right, now we've got to find Aki. We'd > better split up." "Why?" asked Becky. > "To do the search quicker of course." > "Wait a minute, you want us to split up > and go running around this spooky > house?" R. Jak: And why the hell not? > "Well, yes." "Don't they say > there's strength in numbers? "Yeah, so > if we split up we'll have two numbers > rather than one." Scott: ...the logic is amazing. Amazingly bad, but amazing nonetheless. > Becky shrugged. "Very > well then." "Right, Keiko, Hanaki and NeoVid: Keiko and Hanaki I recognize, but who's this Right fellow? Jon: It's one of the Valkyries. We never got around to naming all of them. NeoVid: Okay, that makes... huh? > Matsuro can come with me and Kireiko, Jon: Oh, they definitely can. ^_^ > Becky and Daisy can go with Ayame. > We'll go and look in the study." "Why, > what's in the study?" NeoVid: A brand new car! Jon: The world's largest hamster! Scott: A one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater! R. Jak: Thirteen cans of tuna-free dolphin! > asked Hanaki. > "Well, in all the mystery movies I've > ever seen, there's always been clues in > the study... Scott: I bet it was Colonel Mustard. That fiend! > and the conservatory for > some reason." Jon: Did these movies also have Martin Mull in them, perchance? > Said Tejina, neatly > skipping the bit about having only ever > seen one mystery movie. Ayame smiled > and took a deep breath, Tejina's team > took this opportunity to make a quick > exit. Scott: Are you okay, Jak? You look a bit green. R. Jak: Sorry, but the sentence structure is making me nauseous. Scott: Try to hold out a little bit longer. > "It's time to smite these evil > do-ers!" she declared. "With a capital > S!" All those present sweatdropped, > except Daisy, who was onto her fourth > bottle of finely aged port. NeoVid: So she's sitting on the bottles? Jon: That's not the way you enjoy a good drink. Hey, the door's open. R. Jak: Great, I need some air. (All get up and leave.) */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* A very dejected group of riffers sat in the lobby of the Theater of Pain. "You know, this is almost, almost getting to me," zerosum admitted. "How much more of this can there possibly be?!" Zeek cried in exasperation. "And what exactly is going on?" Mark whined. "I mean, I know Twoflower introduced these guys, but are they out of character or something?" "Yeah," NeoVid said, "this used to be one of my favorite omakes, but now..." A couple of the group stared at him blankly. "You liked these? You're a loon," Zeek commented. "Well, duuuh," NeoVid replied. "There's not much more, I think," said Jonatan. "By the way... has anybody seen Skrib? I heard him back there." "Maybe he can get us out," Scott suggested hopefully. Mark shook his head. "No. This is Skribulous we're talking about here. His hacking skills are... well, 'nonexistant' would probably be an improvement." The group sweatdropped. "I heard that," said a booming voice from the overhead speakers. "Watch this!" One of the smaller side monitors lit up. A grinning dragon appeared. "Maybe you were wrong, Mark," NeoVid answered. "Maybe," Mark reluctantly admitted. The monitor popped, flipping Skribulous' image upside-down for a moment. "Or maybe not," NeoVid said as Mark facepalmed. "I know every gets 15 mintunes, but this takes the cakes, Skig," said Mr. Knht. "It's Skrib, not Skig," replied Skrib. "You know, you can deny it all that you want, but I have noticed you act a LOT like Doc Thinker." "How long did that take you?" R. Jak mumbled, leaning against the concession stand. "LIE!" Mr. Knht cried angrily. "I NEVER BE INSULTED IN LIFE! I NOT..." "My, soot does cling to pots and kettles equally," Skrib remarked, his grin growing wider by the moment. "Mr. Knht, you've seemed a little touchy whenever we bring that subject up," Jon replied, a bit cynical. "Are you just being evasive?" "Well, I..." "IT DOESN'T THE HELL MATTER WHETHER YOU'RE EVASIVE OR NOT!" "GODDAMMIT, YES IT DOES!" R. Jak replied angrily. He then gave a start. "You're sounding a bit too familiar," Zeek said. "But that still doesn't prove Jester boy ain't Thinker." Suddenly, a loud voice came from one of the intercom speakers. "I'M ISN'T HIM!" it stated in Bad English. The entire assembly, save Mr. Knht, blinked. "Is that really who I think it is?" asked zerosum. "Well, it ain't Miguel of Fat Chicks in Party Hats," R. Jak groaned. "Oh, great, there's two of them now," Scott sarcastically grumbled. "Tell me when Dios decides to initiate The End Of The World, Jon." "Nah," Skrib interjected. "The Apocalypse would come by when Mark finishes his part of CW." "HEY!" Mark glared at the upside-down screen. "Dr. Thinker," replied Mr. Knht. "Wht's up?" "Oh, another much, just want to how you and your friends aren getting along," Thinker answered. "Not bad." replied Mr. Knht. "Though Mark stolen by Game Boy." "That's becuase of that mess you made with your Zapdos," Mark answered. "That's because Do-Gooder is so bad, it's funny." replied Mr. Knht. NeoVid tried not to look brain-dead. "Yeah... it's funny. Eheh." Zeek stared "You supposed to be dead!!" Dr. Thinker declared "Remember that day when Odin was used on John, disguesed as Bill Gate, I followed them to the factory. I overheard that Kate need to make appointment to restore John. Later that night, as myself, I went there and pay the nice watchman to make clones of me and Daine." "I feel like Superman comic featuring Bizzaro." stated Scott. "Nice one." stated John. "Well, awywhi, W4 ask me to stop at Mad Store, Inc." stated Dr. Thinker. "They were having a sell on lights. So I made a movie/fan-fiction light." Suddenly, two robots appeared in the lobby, carrying a small box. They walked up to a spot between the doors, pulled an odd-looking lightbulb out of the box, attached it to the wall, and vanished. "Okay," NeoVid observed. "First Skrib, then Thinker, and now Thinker's bots. Can everybody in the entire multiverse except us get in and out of here at will?!" "Techically, I'm not in the Theater of Pain, Neo," Skrib clarified. "But since you're the One, that hurdle shouldn't be too hard to overcome, right? Just remember to free your mind. ^_^" "Ooh, I'll remember that," NeoVid glared. "And can they bring us some beer?" Jon asked. Almost immediately, one of the robots reappeared and brought Jonatan a six pack of Miller Light. The group blinked. "Whoah," NeoVid muttered. "Hey, can that thing bring in some Cheetos?" Scott asked. The robot produced a large bag and handed it to Scott. "Any rootbeer?" Mark inquired. One of the robots opens a hatch on its back and hands him a six-pack of Barq's. "How about getting us out of here?" Jon asked. "That's Skirg's problen," Thinker replied. Everyone [looked] at Skrib. "Crap." "What about six pizzas?" The bot gave him a stack of pizza boxes. "Groovy." "I want some," Mark asked before taking a drink from his rootbeer. NeoVid held the boxes away. "No. I got these for me." He took a slice out of the first box, then put all the pizzas away in his jacket pocket. "How about a trade?" Mark offered NeoVid a can. "Nah," NeoVid answered back. Mark shrugged. "No biggie." He took another gulp. "Hey, I've got it... you ripped off that jacket from Guybrush!" "How about a hot tub full of elgible catgirls?" R. Jak suggested. The group blinked. "You DO know that cats hate water, don't you?" zero offered. "Make it an empty hot tub then." Within seconds, two bots hauled in an empty hot tub with twenty beautiful catgirls in swimsuits. Needless to say, the next forty minutes were rather fun. After a while, the light proceeded to turn yellow. "Huh?" Scott asked, his mouth full of Cheetos. "Whazzat? Ficsign?" "The light is orange for fan-fiction/movie," the voice of Thinker explained. "Yellow means that jerks in charges are calling." Right on cue, the main screen lit up. Evil Kate [GLARED] at the riffers. "HEY! Who's calling me a jerk?" asked Evil Kate. "Well, it's kind of automatic, what with you being the evil me and all," Kate said. "Oh shut up. Now, as for..." Evil Kate blinked. "Who brought the catgirls in here?" On cue, all the riffers immediately pointed to R. Jak. "What?" R. Jak said, as innocent as he could. "Pardon. It faurt of my bots," Doc Thinker's voice explained. "Ya see, we try to make group as happy as possibre so they get ther mind off tha fic." "I do not want them HAPPY!" Evil Kate protested. "I want them driven insane!" "Well, I dunno," Mark replied, emerging from under the counter with a couple of giggling vixens. "I'm sorta driven insane by lust right about now." Evil Kate's eybrow twitched dangerously. Kate looked somewhere between amused and disgusted. Echo just stared. "Prhaps they want just littl too far," Thinker apologized. "Hmm..." Evil Kate considered something for a few minutes. "Well... if you really want to make me happy, maybe I can give you a call sometime?" Kate choked. "Okay, I know you're my dark side and everything, but... Dr. Thinker?! Are you crazy?" Evil Kate grinned smugly. "Well, he's got a certain charm, you know. How about it, Thinker-san?" "Nah! I call you'd mch later, Empress Rita." "Oooh! I'm not a Power Ranger villain! That's it! It's another switch time!" Echo sighed. "Who's switching this time?" "Mr. Knht and... hmm, who else?" Evil Kate tapped her chin with one finger while considering who should be the other victim. "R. Jak?" Echo suggested. "HEY!" R. Jak said indignantly. "Good." Evil Kate grinned maniacally. "Okay, people, you heard me! Let's get moving!" The screen turned off, and the new lightbulb changed to an orange color. "Well, we've got a legitimate fanfic sign now," R. Jak observed. "Hey, Skrib, whatever happened to, y'know, *getting us out*?!" Jonatan asked. Skrib sweatdropped. "I got kinda, *ahem*, distracted back there. Bear with me, guys. I'll try something else." His monitor shut off. "Coming, Doc?" asked Mr. Knht. "Nay! Can't think of anything. I'm hit a writer block," Thinker answered. "Is that good or bad?" Scott asked as both groups went into the theaters. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* 4A: It's a huge waterfall, looking somewhat out of place. The team nearly drowns in the water when they find out that the exit is NOT behind the fall. 3A: It's the giant lift from Heat's stage in Bust A Groove 2. It places you on the far side of a vat of metal (with a Terminator in it, for some reason.) 2A: It's statue of Superman. Jonatan accidently moves a arm looking for a switch, and a light points them to door... 1A: A medieval sign is on a very normal door. The sign reads: "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* > * Mr. Knht: MARS STAR POWER MAKE UP! > > The Mad Scientist smiled and turned NeoVid: ...To stone. Should have watched where the petrifier ray was pointing... > round to Aki. "I see you're awake... > 'tis Scott: [Scientist: ...Thy cursed influence that hast made me mideival for no reason! > no matter. The process works > anyway." Aki snarled in anger. "What > are you doing to me?" Scott: [Scientist] What would you like me to do to you? Mr. Knht: [Scientist] Going have a turkeyday dinner with you at the main course. > The scientist > straightened up and took in a deep > breath. Scott: Primal scream therapy. > Something Aki recognised as > what her father normally did when he > was about to NeoVid: ...Go on a homicidal rampage. > exposit on his latest > scheme. "You may well have noticed the > rainy conditions outside, unusual isn't > it?" Mr Khnt: No, deserts are getting lots of rain. > Aki shrugged. "I don't know much > about Californian weather." "Well it > is. Scott: [Scientist] Look, just trust me on this. > I have been using magic taken from > various artifacts," The scientist > gestured to a small pile of assorted Scott: ...Nuts. Jon: Named Matsuro, Kireiko, Keiko... > magical jewellery and weapons, "I have > managed to influence the weather so it > rains almost constantly. Scott: Magic. Y'know, if he's a mad scientist, shouldn't he be using, oh, I don't know... SCIENCE? NeoVid [Scientist]: No! I'm *mad*, you dumbass! > With this > rain, I have held California to ransom. > I told the Governor that unless he gave > me a billion dollars Scott: [Scientist] ...I would give California back. > I would cause a > rainstorm unlike any that California > had ever seen before." "And?" "Don't > you see? Jon: [Aki] No, you left the lights off. > Imagine the implications! The > tourism industry will collapse! Travel > will become difficult with NeoVid: [Scientist] 20 hour traffic jams! No, wait, that already happens... > wet roads, > turbulent skies and raging seas! Cities > will flood! People will whine about the > weather! Nobody will be able to hang > their laundry out to dry!" "So where do > I come into this?" At this question, > the scientist's smile widened. He now > looked twice as deranged as before. All: o/~ Home, home on deranged... > He > pressed a button and a map of western > North America appeared on a nearby > screen. "With you and your other > magical girl friends I can now drain Mr Khnt: ...lives out of every reading this! > much more power for my rain machine." > He pressed another button and Scott: ...Wyoming exploded. Kate (VO): Wai! Skrib (VO): I thought you were supposed to be the good Kate. Kate (VO): ...And your point is? NeoVid: Now Wyoming really DOES mean "No state here!" > a strip > of the map, inland from the coast, lit > up. "I have bought land here, and with > the amount of rain I can now generate, > I shall flood the west coast, making my > land waterfront property, Scott: Yeah. A waterfront -swamp-. > thus boosting > the value significantly!" Aki sighed. > She was almost beginning to miss the Mr Khnt: ...Time when this can making sense sometimes. > comforting familiarity of her Dad's > craziness. "Isn't there an easier way > to do it?" Asked Aki. NeoVid: "Asked Aki!" Her REALLY powerful magical girl form. Jon: No, "Asked Ayame" would be dangerous. > "Like what?" "I > don't know... Like detonating nuclear > device on the San Andreas fault and > sinking the west coast instead." Mr. Knht: It is me or this mad sciencest is all wet. > The scientist paused, a look of > consideration on his face. "Damn." He > said simply, then sighed. "Ah well, > I'll just have remember that for next > time. Scott: Planning for failure. Well, at least he's a realist. > Thanks for the suggestion, er..." > "Aki." "Aki. Right. Thanks, that'll > save me a lot of time when I try this > out in Japan." Scott: [Aki] But the San Andreas fault isn't in Japan. > "You're welcome." She > responded sarcastically. "Incidentally, > is there any real need for NeoVid: [Aki] All the black leather? Jon: [Aki] And the honey? Mr. Khnt I'd wish R. Jak was stay here. > me to be > naked for this procedure?" NeoVid: Hey, that's even better! Scott: Hey, fanservice is a real need. ^_^ > "No, but as > they say, all work and no play makes > Jack a dull boy." Aki facefaulted, then > her face turned to the very effective > portrait of anger she had developed > over the years. "Let [me] out of [this] > thing or [else!]" Skrib (VO): [Scientist]: [Bite] me. > She screamed, shaking > various test tubes with each bracket. Scott: Apparently, it's a cubist portrait. > But he scientist was unfazed by this. > "HA! Your brackets of power are no > match for THE CAPITALISATION OF THE > CENTURIES!" Jon: It's the Capitals of Omnipotence! Pay attention! > "But that's just shouting." Mr. Knht: (Mike Nelson) Any on some Avdil on had, I think a headache is coming on. > > * Scott: Star light, star bright, blah blah blah, I wish this fanfic would end already. > Upstairs, Tejina was going through the > study, searching for clues. Generally > studies would include a lot of clues > such as NeoVid: ...Trails of blood, severed heads, loose internal organs, briefcases still being held by hands... > diaries, floppy disks, weapons > blueprints, naval treaties and the > like. Unfortunately the search had, so > far, been fruitless. Mr. Knht: But she did found some bruss spouts. Other Riffers: Yuck! NeoVid: *Where* did she find them, exactly? > "Found anything > yet?" Asked Hanaki. "Nope." Responded > Tejina. Scott: This dialogue brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department. Remember, there is only one single solitary unique lone department that can meet your redundancy needs, demands, desires, and requirements. > "Do any of you know how to pick > locks?" Keiko looked up from a small > eldritch looking tome she'd found on > the bookshelves. "I know a Jon: [Keiko] ..Trick that uses feathers! > bit, what do > you want to unlock?" Scott: The chastity belt is beginning to chafe. > "Just this desk > drawer. Sis, Matsuro, keep looking." > Keiko knelt down and looked at the > small lock. She took two small pins out > of her small inventory of Scott: ...Instruments of torture. > magical > ingredients and prodded them around the > lock. After a few minutes of applying > just the right amount of pressure, one > of the pins snapped. Scott: (deadpan) Well, that dramatic passage certainly had me on pins and needles. > Keiko cursed, then > smiled, as if remembering something. > She then reached over and touched the > lock with her thumb and index finger, > then tugged the drawer open, revealing > a metal box. "What was that spell?" > Asked Tejina. "Lock to Jello." Answered > Keiko. "First level, short range, uses > four mana points." Jon: What, no Kender Summon spell? > "Mana points?" asked > Tejina, surprised. "Yeah, there's two > mana focus points in my thumb, one in > my index finger and one in the lock." > "Oh." Tejina lifted the box out and > opened it. Inside was a massive NeoVid: ...Round, full... > collection of- Neovid: Stamp? John: Coins? Scott: Pogs? Mr. Knht: Pokemon dolls? > "Keys?" Asked Matsuro > rhetorically, because that is what they > clearly were keys, lots of keys. Tejina > turned the box upside down, spilling > the keys into a small heap noisily, > which meant they missed the sound of a > book case revolving behind them. > Matsuro pick up a small one on a key > chain. NeoVid: And sound like he Thinker. > "BMW? Nice..." He picked up a > handful more, looking at the keyrings. > "Ferrari, Porsche, Mr. Khnt: [Matsuro] ...Yuggo, Edsel... any cars here benig good? > another Ferrari, > Ford, Chevrolet, another BMW... Wait a > minute." Matsuro held one up to the > light. "This one's ours." "Are you > sure?" Asked Keiko. "Couldn't it just > be one from the same brand of van?" Scott: Can't be. All the others were recalled. > "No... It's that tacky Stars and > stripes keyring that Kireiko bought, Mr. Knht: [Kireiko] It was ony 99 cents. NeoVid: [exact Captain America] TACKY STARS AND STRIPES! > and there's even that stain from when > Ayame knocked her coffee onto it." > "We'd better find the others." Tejina > stood up. "Hey... Where's Hanaki gone?" > Keiko and Matsuro looked around. > "Damn." Matsuro cursed. "We've lost > her." All: YAAAYYY! > Tejina sighed. "We'd better look > for her. Let's go." The Do-Gooders > turned to leave, but then Keiko noticed > that she had left NeoVid: ...Her last victim without hiding the body. Whoops. > the book on the > floor. She picked it up and moved over > to replace it. (After all, it was only > polite) But when she got there she > noticed something amiss. "Jinkies!" She > cried. Matsuro and Tejina rushed back > in. "What?" "There's an exact duplicate > of this book on the shelf!" Scott: Book. Collect all twelve! > "Hmm..." > Said Matsuro. "Is it me, or does it > look like something's revolved on that > bit of carpet?" NeoVid: [exact Lister] Spin on i'! > "Oh no..." Groaned > Tejina. "It's one of those revolving > bookcases. I don't suppose it'll open > from this side?" The swordsman, > sorceress and singer pulled out each > and every book, but to no avail. "We'd > better find the others." Something > occurred to Tejina. Scott: [Tejina] We're hideously overpowered characters. Why don't we just break the bookcase down? NeoVid [Keiko]: Sorry, can't do that. This is one of those "smart" RPGs. > "Hey Keiko." "Yes?" > "What does "Jinkies" mean anyway?" > Keiko paused. "I honestly couldn't tell > you... Isn't it a breakfast cereal or > something?" Tejina thought about this. Mr. Knht: No, some called Velma got their first, Keiko. > "Nah. You're probably thinking of > Jusenky-os or something." "Ah well." > Said Keiko. "I wonder what our host's > done with Aki." "Whatever it is." Said > Matsuro "I know she won't take it lying > down." Scott: (opens his mouth, shrugs, closes his mouth) No need to beat a dead joke. > * > > Kireiko (I bet you though it was going > to be Aki didn't you?) Mr Khnt: No, I nver thoug what. Scott: I don't even know how to though. > grunted as he > pulled the table back into position. > "Well-" Said B-A3 Becky. "Tejina said > she'd check the study and conservatory, > and we've already NeoVid: [Becky] ...Torched the place. > checked through the > billiard room and this room. And as > there weren't any more clues in the > hall or the lounge, so the kitchen is > the next logical step." Scott: Why are they following logic all of a sudden? > Ayame walked > over to the door opposite to him and > opened it, revealing the kitchen. The > room looked similar to that of a > commercial kitchen, but with older > equipment, some of which had probably > been built in the 1930s. NeoVid: That explained why the refrigerator had those spikes on the inside, and the oven had the red-hot pokers, and... > In one corner > sat a large refrigerator, roughly the > size of a telephone booth. Kireiko, who > had not eaten since the previous day, > chose this as the first point of > investigation. Scott: He promptly vanished into the depths of the TARDIS, never to be seen again. > Becky took out her > magnifying glass and used it to Scott: ...light things on fire. > investigate the work surfaces for > clues. Ayame looked through the various > implements of culinary nature. Daisy > walked off to the storage room, > mistaking it for the wine cellar. > Kireiko triumphantly lifted a can Jon and NeoVid: Nice can! > of > Diet Pepsi out of the fridge. He ripped > off the ring pull and drank. "Find > anything?" He asked, to give the > illusion he was doing something > productive. Scott: Since he was in this fic, no one was fooled. > "I have found some > suspicious fingerprints in this flour > on the counter." Confirmed Becky. "I am > lifting them for further analysis." She > said, taking out a roll of government > issue cellotape. Mr. Knht: I wonder if that is red tape? > "What about you?" > Ayame shrugged. "I have not found > anything of great interest, merely a > dozen knives, twelve forks, two and ten > spoons, a rusty chainsaw and a badly > cleaned blender." "Chainsaw?" Becky > raised an eyebrow in surprise. Scott: [Ayame] Just checking to make sure you're paying attention. NeoVid: Yes, I am paying attention to the fact that this ripped off Maniac Mansion. > "Yes > rapturous BA-3, but it is out of gas, > so no enemy can turn it on us, just as > we cannot take the blade to them." Mr. Knht: By the end of this story, I would love a new chainsaw. NeoVid: ...You just used an entire clear sentence. OK, I guess he's not Thinker. > * Mr. Knht: Is this star dead? You bet she is. Scott: Since it's in this fic, its career is. > Meanwhile in the storage room, Daisy > sat next to a locked door and looked up > at a set of shelves, or more > specifically, the top shelf, where a > bottle of some description rested. NeoVid: [bottle] Ahh. Jon: How Zen. A bottle of some description, yet it has no description. Mr. Knht: Maybe it bottlde desripton? > [It > must be alcohol,] She reasoned through > the fluff of inebriation. [it's on the > top shelf to keep Scott: ...This scene dragging on. > it away from > irresponsible people.] The real and > accurate possibility that Jon: ...the Cubs are going to win the Superbowl... Scott: Accurate? No way. > it was simply > developing fluid NeoVid: Ewwww... I'm developing *fluid!* > didn't cross her mind. Mr. Knht: It just zign her on cheek. > Slowly, she stood up and started > climbing up the shelves, using various > canned goods and boxes as foot holds. > After a NeoVid: ...Gratuitous sex scene? Jon: Et tu, Oscar? Scott: I'll take anything that breaks up the monotony right now. > brief moment of terror as she > nearly fell off, she reached the top > and reached out for the bottle. > Unfortunately she had not taken into > account the lack of Mr Khnt: ...Brains in this writing. Jon: There were a lot of brains in my last riffing... but it got splattered all over the place. R. Jak: (from next door) ARRRRRGH! Jon: Man, is he sensitive. > a paw-friendly ring > pull. Her attempt to open the bottle > knocked it off the shelf and onto the > floor, where it smashed open on a > little grate. "Whoopsh." Daisy prepared > to jump Scott: ...To her death, ending the fic. > down when the door opened next > to the shelves and a frightening figure > stepped out. Scott: Oh my god, it's Spiro Agnew! > It seemed to have no > constant form, except a vaguely head > shaped bit at the top. All: Ewww. > The rest of the > creature's body rippled like Jon: A jello sculpture of Alfred Hitchcock. NeoVid: He rippled enough on his own, I think. > some sort > of demonic fabric. "Yikes! A ghosht!" > Cried the cat, leaping for the kitchen > door. Mr. Knht: And he missed and landed in his water dish. > > * > > "What about you?" Asked Becky-A3 Scott: Why are they giving her a serial number? Jon: [The Computer] Citizen Beck-Y-AND-3, you are not cleared for this Information. NeoVid: Hey, that's a pretty good OCR. Jon: [The Computer] Citizen Neo-V-IID-6, report for termination. > "Was > there anything in the fridge?" "Nothing > really, just some cheese, lettuce, a > battery... but wait!" Jon [Kireiko]: There's enough to make a battery sandwich! Duh! > Said Kireiko, > putting on a somewhat flawed dramatic > voice, "What's this strange aquatic > beast the lurks at the back! Mr. Knht: DarkWng Duck! > This may > be a clue! Oh wait... no, sorry, it's > just a red herring." Finished Kireiko, > holding his dire visual pun up for all > to see. All: (groan at the Dr. Thinker like-pun.) NeoVid: Ever since the cartoon Red Herring appeared on was canceled, he's been stuck with jobs like this... Scott: (nods) Sounds fishy to me. Mr. Khnt: I thought I would NEVER groan at a Thinkerish pun. But that was to far out of the left field for me. > Becky winced as she fought back > an urge to put a bullet through his > head All: Dare! Dare! NeoVid: Give in to your urges, Becky! > and Ayame took a threatening deep > breath when Daisy dashed in screeching > like a cat in an oven. Scott: Should we be worried that the author knows what that would sound like? NeoVid: If the cat's Daisy, we should be applauding. >"What is it?" > Asked Becky. Daisy was in All: ...Sane. > shock, making > wild gesture and trying to fluff her > fur in such a way that she could appear > like a ghost. This caused little > comprehension, but no end of > sweatdrops. "Hmm..." noted B-A3. "She's > probably NeoVid: [Becky] ...The bad guy of this fic. She must be killed immediately. > drunk something unhealthy again." (Jon sneezes.) Scott: Something wrong? Jon: Gee, I don't know what came over me. >"By all the gods in the > heavens!" Began Ayame, which rarely > boded well "Such as Thor, Zeus, Freya, > Apollo, Eros, Mars, Belld-" "Get to the > point." Said B-A3. Scott: Why start now? Jon: The sheer excitement is putting me in a coma. (yawns) > "What's that over there? NeoVid: The Artist Formerly Known as Prince, of course. > Be it man, monster or evil > spirit from the Scott: [Becky] ...Worst fic in history! > DarkVerse?" She > finished, pointing to the cause of > Daisy's fear, which appeared to float > menacingly through the doorway. > "Whooo..." NeoVid: I'm PSYCHIC! Jon: [ghost] ...took the last of the milk? > It said. "It appears to be a > ruse to scare us out of this room, Scott: Which, incidentally, it's failing rather spectacularily at. > I believe it poses no real threat but I > just to be sure we should make a > pre-emptive strike." "Meaning?" NeoVid [Colonel Friday]: Standard Tactical Poltergeist. > Asked > Kireiko. "After you Kireiko." Kireiko > grinned and flexed his muscles, > bursting the seams on his T-shirt > (Something he'd been practicing to show > off in front of Hanaki) and he shifted > into his oni form in a flash of special > effects stolen from Deep Space Nine. Mr. Knht: More like Thinker's fan-fiction. > "Ay-pi-ay-ai Motherlover!" he declared > as he launched himself at the formless > being. NeoVid: I thought it was "Asahi Moonsault..." Jon: It's Kireiko. He's supposed to make Minakoisms. > The ghost leapt out of the way, > seemed to trip on itself and collapsed > to the ground. Kireiko brought his fist > up for one final punch. Jon: Yay, punch! (brings out a small glass of something yellow and oily) > "Spirit Begone!" Jon: (stares at the glass) Nooo! You exorcised my booze! Scott: Relax, there's plenty. I had a feeling we'd need it. > He shouted as the punch > connected. The ghost collapsed to the > ground, a red stain spreading across Scott: Damn leaky pens. Mr. Knht: You thnk... NeoVid: Don't worry, it's not real catsup. > the outer layer of the spirit. "Huh..." > Said Kireiko. "I think I've got > ectoplasm on my fist..." NeoVid: [Kireiko] I didn't think it'd be so sticky... > "That's blood Kireiko, Mr. Khnt: Blood Kereiko! His evil cloned! > it's just a henchman wearing a > sheet." Scott: Then how did he pass through the door, hmm? Jon: He opened it? Scott: (thinks) That makes sense. (others facefault) > Kireiko pinned the ghost to the > ground and Ayame pulled the sheet out > from under him, revealing an English > butler with a broken nose. "What ho, > Plage." NeoVid: [Plage] I'd say the ho in the red bustier. > Said Ayame. "It is sad to see > that you serve the forces of nastiness, > so please join the force Scott: [Ayame] ...And arrest whoever wrote this! > of justice > and-" Ayame stopped, a shudder passing > through her. Tejina, Keiko and Matsuro > came in through the door. Tejina looked > to Ayame, Ayame looked Mr Khnt: And she looked, and they looked, and then looked.... (NeoVid hits Mr. Knht) > back and said > simply "You felt it too?" Tejina nodded > gravely. "Yes, and Jon [Tejina]: ...It really was as big as you said! > I know it too. > Hanaki's in trouble." > > * > > "I spy..." Began Hanaki "...with my > little eye... something Jon: [Hanaki]: ...With four-foot claws. And it's heading this way. > beginning with > C." Scott: Crapola? > "Ceiling." Said Aki. Hanaki sighed. > "You win again, another round?" "No." > This left a silence in the air for a > while, broken only by the sound of > breathing NeoVid and Jon: ...Heavily. > and the blips of various > pieces of equipment. Scott: It's the machine that goes ping! > "Hanaki, are you > sure there's nothing you can do?" "I > don't have my communicator so I can't > summon Pep, and I can't transform > without him. NeoVid: And there are plenty of other things she can't do without him... Jon: Like Pepper-and-bacon sandwiches. Mmm... NeoVid: ...whose side are you on? Jon: Mine. > Besides, I can't dance > when I'm strapped to a table." Jon: Not even a table dance? > Han > thought for a moment. "Can't you use > your brooch?" "And just where would I > keep a brooch at this moment in time?" Jon and NeoVid: Far too easy. > "Ano..." Hanaki thought again. "Ever > considered body piercing in case this > happens again?" Aki gave her a look > that was somewhere near "Ew!" Mr. Knht: (turns to others) Any lemon remarks, and you guys are going to regret it. NeoVid: Hey, I wasn't going to say anything. Don't you see the halo? Scott: The time for hentai remarks was about two sentences ago, anyway. > in the > general area of "WHAT?", practically > across the street from "You're weird", > but a long way from "I say Hanaki, Mr Khnt: And I say Hanaki. Scott: I also say Hanaki. NeoVid: Me too. Jon: I fold. > that's a splendid idea. Just as soon as > we escape from this mad scientist's lab > we'll trot along to the nearest > piercing parlour and have my brooch > stuck through my nose." Jon: That'd be awkward. Especially since there are so many other, better, places... > "No." "Sorry... > Just thinking..." Scott: That'd be a first. > * > > ****************** *COMMERCIAL BREAK* NeoVid: How do you make a commercial break? Mr. Khnt: ...How? NeoVid: Hit it with a sledgehammer. > ****************** > > "Hey kids! Do you like plushies?" NeoVid: [announcer] No, not that way, you freaks. > "What > if I do?" "And do you like Do-Gooders?" Scott: Even after reading this? > "I suppose so." Scott: Not anymore. > "Then have I got the > perfect thing for you!" Jon: Professional help! Just what I've always wanted! > "Yes, it's a Do-Gooders plushie isn't > it?" "...Yes. > But not just any plushies! These one's > talk when you pull their strings." Jon: [announcer] Their... strings... yeah. > "Ooh, gosh, wow, geez, we're ever so > impressed. That's really original that > is. Truly you are like a god amongst > men when it comes to surprises." Mr Knht: Get the feeling this guy not paid nearly enough for tihs? > "Quiet. Why not buy a Kireiko! Pull his > string and hear his repertoire of > badass catchphrases!" *""* > *"Hello Cthulu must die, all else is > irrelevant."* *"It's not a girl's > name!"* Villyn! Hear the voice of evil! NeoVid: Or just go to eviloverlord.com, which is at least fun to see. > *"BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!"* *"Charge, my minions!"* Jon: (busily attaching high-voltage wires to a plushie of The Blue-Faced Black Shadow) Hai! > *"Feel the wrath of > Villyn!"* And the well used voice of > Ayame! *"Tremble in fear evil-doers for > the warrior of justice, good and > extremely long sentences is here to > save the day by preventing criminals > like you from who seek to cause pain, Mr Khnt: MADE IT STOPPED! > misery and the non buying of Do-Gooders > plushies which are incidentally very > good and worth buying and I shall stop > you in the name of the crystal cit-"* > "GAH! How do you switch this thing > off?" "Well according to the manual > you're supposed to smash it into > silence with the supplied baseball > bat." NeoVid: Ta da! Commercial break! > *"-through means of long speeches > on the joys of truth, love and p-"* > *SMASH!* "Phew... Also available from > plushcorp, Magical Girl Hunter > plushies! Including the new limited > edition Itami plushie!" *"..."* *"..."* > *"..."* NeoVid: [announcer] Also, GMCA plushies! Yuusuke comes with five quotes! "..." "...." "....." "......" "......." Jon: [kid] Mom! Mine's broken! > > * Mr. Knht: Some flated all RPG character that only talk in "YES" and "NO." NeoVid: I get it! > > Plage struggled with the knot, but it > was no good, the more he moved, the > tighter it got. Jon: Esli... please. Don't try rapping NOW of all time. > "Why did you do that?" > Asked Keiko. "Well none of us had any NeoVid: [Becky] Acting talent whatsoever. > string, and I learnt the "Human knot" > restraint technique in my training Jon: [Keiko] Yeah... my... training.... > so..." "Are you sure his arm should > bend that way?" asked Kireiko. "If it > didn't before, it does now." Answered > Becky. Tejina looked down at the > painfully restrained butler. Scott: [Tejina] A Plage on both your houses! > "Right. So > you're an evil henchman then?" NeoVid [Plage]: No, I'm a good henchman! Really! > "Yes, > there is a certain henchi NeoVid: Don't try to blame the star of H! for this! > ng element to > my job..." "Uh-huh. And who do you > hench to?" "The master." Tejina rolled Jon: Around on the floor. She just couldn't stop discoing. > her eyes. "You're going to keep > referring to him as that aren't you?" NeoVid: [Plage] No, I could refer to him as "Mr. Fluffypants"... Scott: [Tejina] "The Master" it is. > "Yes." "All right... can you at least > tell us where your evil master has > taken Han and Aki?" "My master's not > evil!" Scott: [Tejina] But he's planning to destroy California... oh. Yeah, I see what you mean, sorry. > Protested the butler. Scott: When did this Protested guy replace Plage? Jon: Are you channeling Rudy now? > "He's an > honest man!" Tejina sighed. "Whatever. NeoVid: Squall Leonhart, in a role you've never before seen him in! Scott: Thank god for small mercies. > Where have you taken Aki and Hanaki?" > "To the master's lab, but you'll never > get them back." "We'll see about that." > Said Kireiko, cracking his knuckles. Scott: [Kireiko] Ahh! AAAHH! MY HANDS! MOMMY! > "Where's his lab?" "That..." Began the > butler, "...is Jon: An overused catchphrase. > a secret." Becky blinked > twice. "Is there anything to drink > around here?" (Jon sips three times.) Mr Khnt: There some cynide right under there. Have some bit. > She said. "Never mind, > but how can we possibly get the answer > out of him?" Jon: (now wearing a green robe, a mask, and holding a scalpel) Don't worry, it's only a minor operation. > asked Ayame. "Hmm..." > hmmed Becky, something she seemed to be > doing a lot lately. "Plage, are you > sure you won't confess?" "Yes." "Very > well... Kireiko... Get... THE COMFY > CHAIR!" "..." Said Tejina. "..." Said > Matsuro. "..." Said Kireiko. "..." Said > Keiko. "..." Said Daisy. All: "..." said the MSTers. > "Eh?" Said > Ayame. "Just do it." Said Becky Kireiko > complied, NeoVid: Latest Frankenstein creation: Said Becky Kireiko. Jon: And now you're channeling as well... > bringing in a large armchair > that looked very comfortable indeed. He > handed it to Becky. "Now... Are you > sure you won't tell us?" "Yes." > Confirmed Plage. WHACK Becky dealt > Plage a blow to the head with the back > of the chair. NeoVid: You know, that really should be a steel folding chair. > "Now?" "No. And I'll have > you know that's a valuable an-" > WHACKWHACKWHACK NeoVid: Yeah, this fic is WACK WACK WACK!!! Jon: -o. > "Rapturous Agent > Becky, isn't this interrogation method > a little... unorthodox?" Asked Ayame. > "Standard government practice." Assured > Becky, proceeding with her > interrogation. "Give up yet?" Scott: [Becky] Because the readers have. > "Nev-" > Said Plage, before he was interrupted. > "Aren't you supposed to be shining Jon: [Becky] No, the radiation wore off last night. Lucky! > a light in his eyes while he NeoVid: [Tejina] Takes a suicide pill? Like the readers are doing? > sits in the > chair?" Asked Tejina. "Light bulbs burn > out. Chairs don't." Jon: Oh yes they do. Although you might have to give them some help. > Noted B-A3. "Had > enough?" "No. I shall never tell you." > "Kireiko. Bring him... A CUP OF TEA!" > Kireiko facefaulted. "I suppose you > mean a REALLY hot cup of tea?" asked > Matsuro. "Yes, scalding." Mr. Knht: And that kill Plage. Jon: [Plage] I'm melting! I'm melting! Oh, what a world... > * Scott: As you can see, this fic earned a star on the Walk of Lame. > Miles away, in Los Angeles, in an > airport, by... a tent? "Ha! Look at > them! All them unaware of the hideous Scott: ...fanfic they're in. Lucky bastards. > plans of Villyn!" declared the Blank > Psychic, drawing a few stares from > travellers. The Quake Camper twitched NeoVid: ...After drinking a bottle of Drano. Jon: [Camper] Are you SURE Villyn-sama said I couldn't go to the bathroom? > the flaps of his tent aside and peeked Jon: [Camper] Hootie ho! Cheerleaders! > outside. "Remember Master Villyn's > orders, Blank Psychic," Squeaked the > Camper. Mr Khnt: Sqeaked the Camper! The fin new plushie! > "We must find and recruit > supporters to his cause." "Yes Camper, > but our primary task is to await the > arrival of Scott: Godot. > Aki-sama!" "Surely we can > recruit some people while we wait." > "Hmm... Perhaps you're NeoVid: [Camper] ...Trying to get us killed? > right..." Five > minutes later, someone had set up a > small tent Scott: That makes two tents. They should learn to relax. ^_^ > next to gate five and a man > in a fencing mask was handing out > leaflets to French tourists. Mr. Knht: [In bad French as Clark Kent/Superman] Slac Blue, it's seems trouble in Los Anglas, up and up away! > > * > NeoVid: This fic is a proud resident of the Lone Star state. > Ayame pulled on the stairpost and the > door swung open. "I'm surprised I > didn't guess that Jon: [Ayame] ...Happosai was the one stealing the panties. Mr. Khnt: [Becky] Yeah, its even plot twist. > one." Said Becky, > nodding at the new found lab entrance. > "Funny isn't it?" Noted Tejina. All: No. > "What > is?" Asked Kireiko. "How Plage stood up > to all of Becky's interrogation, but > gave up when Keiko did that laugh..." Scott: What laugh? NeoVid: No, don't-- Jon: This one. (high-pitched) OOOOHOHOHOOHOHOHOO! Mr Knht: (twitching) You... do... too good... > "Yeah." Confirmed Becky. "Y'know what's > also funny?" Scott: The fact that someone thought it would be a good idea to write this. > "What?" Asked Tejina > again. "How we're all talking like this > when we all know what happened." > "Yes... Weird isn't it?" Agreed Keiko. > The Do-Gooders shared a NeoVid: ...Big fat blunt. > shrug and Jon: ...ignoring the huge crack in the fourth wall... > stepped through the door, which led to > set of steps. At the bottom of these > steps was a large room which seemed to > stretch out for miles, filled with Scott: ...tapioca. NeoVid: Which looked like little creepy goblins because they were stoned. > enough scientific equipment to > re-create seventy 50's B-movies. Scott: Close enough. Mr. Knht: Is it just me or this geekzoid a fan of Mystery Science Theather 3000? Jon: No, that would mean he's not a geek. (glares at Mr. Knht) > Tejina > took stock of the situation and asked: Jon: [Tejina] Are you SURE this isn't butter? NeoVid: Oy... how many times are you going to use that? Jon: Oh, I see no reason to stop yet. > "So... What now?" "EEEEEK!" Came a > scream from the right side of the lab. > "That was Hanaki!" declared Kireiko, > before running off. Jon: ...In the opposite direction, since he intended NOT to get killed. > The Do-Gooders > followed him into the lab. > > * Scott: [Mr. Wizard] And every snowflake is unique... > "EEEEEK!" Repeated Hanaki. "Hmm..." > Considered Aki. "Is it... Psycho?" NeoVid: [exact Psycho] No, the cartoon I'm on is still making money, so I wouldn't have to star in this piece of crap. > Hanaki nodded. "Your turn." Aki thought > for a moment. "Okay... Ahem... "We now > end our NeoVid: ...Lives. *BLAM* > elf broadcasting day." Jon: *DING!* > and it's > from a TV series." Hanaki sighed. > "Damn, you're good at this... I'll take > a clue." All: IT'S ABOUT TIME! > "Right, it's got th-" "Pipe > down you two." Demanded the scientist, > bringing out a large piece of machinery > that looked suspiciously like Jon: ...Doctor Hojo's patented Tentacle-O-Matic. > some sort > of shredding device. Aki and Hanaki > looked over this device with sweat > drops dripping off their foreheads. Scott: Which then ran down into their mouths, asphyxating them both. The end. > "Er...This is probably a stupid > question..." began Hanaki. "...but what > are you going to do with that?" Mr. Knht: You geuss right, is stupid queston. > "Huh? > This? Oh I'm just going to NeoVid: [scientist] ...Start a twisted hentai scene. Duh. > mince you so > I can extract the magic from you more > efficiently, nothing for you to worry > about." "Aw hell. This looks like the > end." Jon: [scientist] Yeah, and a nice one, heh heh... > said Aki. "Don't worry. NeoVid: [Aki] Panic. Jon: (sings) When in panic, fear or doubt, run in circles, scream and shout! Scott: "Worry" isn't the word I'd use, personally... > I sense > my sisters are close." Less than a > moment later, Kireiko ran in. All: *CRASH!* Jon: [Kireiko] Oww! Where'd that wall come from? > * Scott: o/~ All of us get lost in the darkness; dreamers learn to steer by the stars... o/~ > Kireiko snarled at the scientist. How > dare he do this to Aki and Hanaki! He > cast a glance at the victims before > looking squarely at the scientist, his > eyes alight with a glow of vengeance. Scott: Or possibly pinkeye. NeoVid: Or since the girls are tied up naked, juuust maybe it's horniness. > Then he looked back. "Gee..." He said, > blushing. "Stay back!" Warned the > scientist, drawing a pistol. "Gee..." > Repeated Kireiko, a little blood > dripping out of his nose. Jon: (snorts) Weakling. > "Prepare to NeoVid: ...RIVERDANCE! Haa haaaa haaaaa! > die!" Kireiko looked up just in time to > jump out of the way as the bullet hit > the ground behind him. The rest of the > scientist's "Guests" ran in, Becky had > a pistol Mr. Khnt: On your mark, get sit, GO!!!!!! > in each hand. "Oh no!" > declared the scientist, looking > straight at the new arrivals. "It's Scott: [Scientist] Spiro Agnew! NeoVid: ...What *is* it with you and the Spiro Agnew jokes? > her!" "Stop, or I'll Jon: [scientist] ...Wet myself and run away crying! > shoot!" Becky's > target stopped staring at the group and > drew another pistol. Jon: ...at which point Becky shot him. Or should have, seeing as she's got *agent training*... > "Ha! Now the odds > are evened!" Declared the scientist, Scott: ...Assuming you ignore the other characters and the actual training involved, yes. > his hand shaking in fear. "Now, be a > good girl Jon: [scientist] ...Lick my face. > an-" He was cut off as his > guns were shot out of his hand. NeoVid: Along with the actual hands. Mr Knht: Eww. Too much gory. > The > scientist cursed and jumped behind a > piece of machinery, one of Becky's > bullets grazing NeoVid: Huh? Vegetarian bullets? Jon: See the bullets of the wild, as they graze on the great plains... > his arm. "Damn." cursed > Becky before setting off in pursuit > with Tejina and Matsuro Jon: ...Starting the Gratuitous Sex Scene(TM). Scott: That didn't sound very enthusiastic. Jon: It's just... I just don't have the spirit for it anymore. > closely > following. "When are you three going to > get us out of these things?" Asked Aki. Scott: No rush. Really. ^_^ > "Gee..." Responded the half oni, > standing in a small pool of his own > blood. "Not much of an original speaker > is he?" noted Keiko. "Correct dear > friend Keiko, his repetitive manner of > speech is Scott: [Ayame] ...Still far less repetitive than my own! > of great amusement to me." > Exposited Ayame. Hanaki rolled her > eyes. "Then again there are worse > speakers." Mr. Knht: Yeah, Dr. Thinker! (A bolt hits Mr. Knht) Mr. Knht: Ouch! > * NeoVid: [exact Captain America] Hyper Boring Star! > > Becky fired off several more shots from > her guns as the scientist fled. Becky > was faced with a moral dilemma, NeoVid: Should she join in the Gratuitous Sex Scene(TM)? > normally, when faced with a fleeing > target, and a human target as well, she > would shoot to disable, rather than > kill. But the target Scott: ...had pissed her off. > was proving to be > strangely elusive and she had only hit > him once. She was worried she'd be > forced to kill him. [One last > chance...] NeoVid: [Orochi]: I will [not] give you that [chance], [beeyotch]. > She thought, raising her gun Jon: ...on a small farm in Hokkaido. > and aiming at the back of his right > knee. She pulled the trigger... click > "GAH!" Said Becky simply, she'd run out Scott: ...On her last three husbands. NeoVid: [Beeyotch]. > of bullets, and Hanaki had left her > spare clips in the van. "He's gone into Mr Khnt: ...Shock, from the looking the fic's writting! > that corridor!" Called Tejina, pointing > towards the scientist. The corridor > ended at a solid wall, but on both > sides there were NeoVid: ...Deadly booby traps. They walked right into them, being idiots. Jon: Booby traps are for killing complete boobs. > four doors, the > scientist escaped into the third one on > the right. Scott: Cue slapstick chase scene that works about a billion times better in a visual medium than it does in prose. > "GET HIM!" Shouted Tejina, > rushing to follow the scientist, > closely followed by Matsuro and Becky. > The Scientist ran back into the > corridor from the fourth door on the > right and dashed through the door on > the opposite side of the corridor, with > the Do-Gooders mere seconds behind him. (Scott starts drawing a map.) > The scientist dashed out of the first > door on the left, rushing towards the > fourth door on the right. NeoVid: I just realized, this is an Attack of the Killer Tomatoes reference! Jon: Uh... 'Vidders, these chase scenes are just about everywhere these days. > Matsuro leapt > out from the third door on the left, > surprising the scientist, who was > forced to go through the second door on > the right, Matsuro ran after him. > Tejina stepped out of the second door > on the left and bumped into Becky who > had emerged from the door facing her. Jon: Why do I suddenly have the feeling this story is happening in a code DUH world? > Matsuro ran out of the third door on > the right, being chased by the > scientist, he ducked into the fourth > door on the left. Becky and Tejina > looked at each other, and then > shrugged, leaving through the second > door on the left and right > respectively. Mr Knht: Repectedly? So they'd bowing to door? > The scientist slipped out > of the fourth door on the right and > tried to sneak out of the corridor, but > was surprised as Becky jumped out from > the first door on the right, forcing > him to run into NeoVid: ...The lit fireplace. Scott: [scientist] Ah, sweet merciful death... > the third door on the > right, closely followed by Becky. > Matsuro stepped out from the third door > on the right, closed the door and > waited for someone to come out of the > one of the other doors. He was hit in > the face by the fourth door on the > right as the Scientist shoved it NeoVid: ...Where it belonged. Jon: ...zzz... > open > and ran across the corridor to the > fourth door on the left, closely > pursued by Tejina. Rubbing his nose a > bit, Matsuro followed Tejina. Becky > rushed out of the second door on the > left, followed by Tejina, both leaving Scott: ...The last readers who had been able to keep track of this. (rips up map) > through the first door on the right. > The scientist stepped out of the fist > door on the left, only to collide with > General Vuudu who had stepped out of > the first door on the right. Vuudu > apologised and disappeared Jon: ...And was glad to do it. > in a burst > of fortune cookies. Becky, Matsuro and > Tejina stepped out of the fourth, third > and second door on the right > respectively and looked down to the > Scientist, who then rushed though the > first door on the right, followed by NeoVid: ...A mob with pitchforks and torches. > Tejina, Matsuro and Becky. The fourth > door on the right opened and Becky, the > scientist and Matsuro ran out, being > chased by Tejina Skrib (VO): Who, oddly enough, was wearing a "Red Queen" outfit and carrying a whip. Jon: Now that's an image. > as they all ran > through the second door on the right. > Matsuro rushed into the corridor from > the fourth door on the right, Tejina > from the first door on the left, Becky > from the first door on the right, the > Scientist from the third door on the > right and Tejina from the fourth door > on the left. Jon: ...the fourth on the left on the right on the third on the first on the left on the fourth on the third on the right on the left... Scott: I think we're losing him! Mr. Knht: Evrybody back! CLEAR! (Mr. Knht summons a Raichu.) Raichu: CHUUU! (shocks Jonatan) Jon: O_O KYAA! (twitch twitch!) Zat you, Lum? Oog... NeoVid: Thank you, Doctor Thinker. Mr Knht: I NOT THINKR! Scott: You okay now? Jon: Of course, Elmer. Scott: ...I'm Scott. Jon: Whatever you say, Elmer. Scott: ... > The Do-Gooders rushed at > the scientist, who leapt through the > second door on the left. The Scientist > dashed through the third door on the > right, towards the third on the left, > closely followed by Becky, Matsuro and > Tejina. Tejina stopped in the middle of > the corridor, and spend a few seconds > looking thoughtful. Something was > bothering her... Jon: [Tejina] Did I leave the gas on? > This train of thought Scott: Was robbed by bandits. > was diverted when the Scientist ran > straight past her from the second door > on the right to the second on the left, > she ran after him. Becky jumped out > from the fourth door on the left, > brandishing her gun, after she > remembered her ammoless situation Jon: She brandished it AFTER she remembered she was out of ammo? Code DUH, all right. > she > ran up to the third door on the left. A > young man wearing a backpack with an > umbrella on top NeoVid: Odd fashions these days. WEARING the backpack? > stepped out of the > second door on the right. He looked > around quizzically, consulted his map > and opened the first door on the left. Skrib (VO): On cue, the tank from "Those Who Hunt Elves" ran him over. Jon: I don't think that was Desolation, Skrib. > After allowing the Scientist, Becky and > Matsuro to dash past him into the first > door on the right, he left through the > door. Becky ran out of NeoVid: Witty dialogue. > the second door > on the left, carrying Tejina on her > back, closely followed by the > Scientist. Becky turned NeoVid: HEEL TURN! > around and > looked at the scientist, looking a bit > puzzled. Matsuro ran in behind the > scientist, knocking them all into the > second door on the right. Scott: (wanders in from offscreen, carrying a huge tub of popcorn) Did I miss anything? ...Didn't think so. > Tejina > stepped out from the fourth door on the > right, Matsuro from the third on the > left, the Scientist from the second on > the right and Becky from the first on > the left. Everyone ran for the opposite > ends of the corridor, resulting in an > almighty collision in the centre of the > room. After the dust had settled, the > Scientist was lying on his back with > Matsuro's sword across his neck. "Urk." NeoVid: It'd have to be across something more important than my neck for me to say that. > Said the scientist. "So, what now?" > Asked Tejina. "We should call the > police of course." Stated Becky. "But > how?" Asked Matsuro. "The phone lines > are down." Scott: [Tejina] Smoke signals. Mr. Knht: [Tejina] We go outside! I think Becky has a Mickey Mouse cell-phone in the van. > * > > About 20 metres down the road from the > house was a public telephone. "Now how > could we have missed that?" Asked Keiko > rhetorically. Scott: Because it's a public phone, and by definition it has to be broken. Jon: (glares) Fool! It was a rethorical question! NeoVid: (lips out of sync) Now we kill you so hard your BABYSITTER dies! (Everyone smacks Scott with squeaky mallets.) Scott: ... > Hanaki shrugged. "This > sort of thing happens. When ever you > need it lightning dramatically > silhouettes creepy NeoVid: ...Guys. (lights silhouette him) See? Jon: (also silhouetted) Why do I have this urge to stand in an elevator? > mansions, but it > never seems to dramatically silhouette > phone boxes." Mr. Knht: It's a fact of cartoonish life. Jon: Unless it's... a CREEPY phone box. > She noted, turning to the > camera, "But then if it did it wouldn't > be as much fun for them." [Let it > slide] Jon: The Electric Slide! > Thought Tejina. [You can ignore > it this time...] > > * Scott: The missing footnote, bane of students everywhere. > "Well kids..." Began the police > officer, shading his eyes from the > early morning sunlight, "...you > certainly did well Jon: [officer] ...Just kidding. You did horribly. > capturing this mad > scientist." NeoVid: Actually, he's just a mildly irritated scientist. > Concluded the policeman, > looking over to the tied up criminal on > the ground next to him. Mr Khnt: [officer] Now we're make him reaed fics even he die from it! HA hA HA! > "But who is > he?" asked Keiko. "That's easy to find > out." Tejina reached over, grabbed the > top of the scientist's head and NeoVid: ...Sliced like Lorena on speed. > pulled. > Everyone gasped as a mask was removed > from his head. "It's..." All: Monty Python's Flying Circus! > began Hanaki, > who stopped. "Er... who are you?" > "Don't you remember?" asked the > unmasked man. NeoVid: Who was that unmasked man? > "It's me! Jack, The used > car salesman!" Scott: Hanaki don't know Jack. > "What are you doing > here?" asked Kireiko. "Of course!" Said > Tejina, realisation dawning on her > face. "By setting up this Jon: ...Shaky, senseless plot... > mansion in > the middle of nowhere next to a > treacherous road, Jack could cause > several car crashes Scott: ...That sound you just heard was the last shreds of logic dying an agonizing death. NeoVid: Lucky, lucky logic. > and sell the cars > to people in San Francisco! That > explains the keys we found in the > drawer." NeoVid: I'm really getting a headache! Mr. Knht: No duh, Sherlock!!!! Jon: And apparently, driving car wrecks is the highest fashion in San Francisco. Figures. > "Ahem." said Aki. "Oh yeah," > Admitted Tejina "and there was the > whole rain machine thing, but we put a > stop to that." NeoVid: [Tejina] Yeah, and that stuff where Aki and Hanaki would have been brutally slaughtered if we hadn't managed to arrive at the last second... no big deal, really. > Jack scowled. "And I > would've gotten away with it if it > weren't for you blasted meddling kids! > And your drunken cat!" NeoVid: [scientist] And your 900-foot aardvark! Jon [Tejina]: You're on something, right? NeoVid: [scientist] ...I found it in the bottom of a testtube this morning... and it rocked... > "Wait a > minute... That lab must have cost a > fortune!" noted Keiko. "Your point > being?" "Well you must have had plenty > of money to begin with, why spend it on > the lab just for your mad scheme?" Jon: (deadpan) Gee, I dunno. Maybe to make *more* money? > "Er... I'm sure there was a good > reason..." "Yeesh! You must have no > grasp of Scott: ...How to start a coherent story. Don't try to deny it. > basic economics!" "Ah yes, > that was it!" What followed was a > facefault that could've sunk the west > coast below the sea. Scott: [Jack] Facefaults! Why didn't I think of *that*? > "Say, has anyone > seen Becky?" Mr. Knht: She left to go to Tokyo. Scott and NeoVid: Whee. That was fun. Jon: No, it wasn't... Scott: They traded her for three magic beans. NeoVid: "Where In The World Is Becky Anderson?" > > * > > Becky stood back, watching as a > policeman Jon: ...Bit the head off a live chicken. Scott: [Becky] I'm suddenly reminded of the reason why I moved to Japan... > went off to find towing > service to remove the van NeoVid: ...From where it was stuffed up the writer's a- *Ga-ZAP!!* OW! Mr Khnt: Never you dnt make it worse! > from the > ditch. BA-3 picked up the receiver from > the pay phone and dialled a secret code > into it. "Camelot? This is the Spanish > inquisition; the parrot is dead, > proceeding to cheese shop." Jon: And you're being sued by the Ministry of Silly Fics. NeoVid: Apparently Becky's an apprentice of the MMK... Jon: How so? NeoVid: She said she was going to 'cheese' the shop. Jon: Ah, I see. > said Becky. > "Good work, was there much resistance > here?" "No once expected me." Jon: This fic deserves a railpun shooting. > "Spanish > Inquisition, has there been any Scott: ...hint of a plot? No. > evidence of your detection?" "Relax. > Nobody knows I'm here." Said Becky, > before she hung up. "KA-BOOM!" said the > van, as it was blown up. "Damn." said > Becky, NeoVid: "Yawn." said NeoVid. Scott: "How unexpected." said Scott. Jon: "When's the hentai scene?" said Jonatan. Mr Khnt: "AAARG!!" Mr Khnt is said. > after the dust settled. Mr. Knht: But she hiccup for two weeks after this scence. > > * > > "Did you hear something?" asked > Kireiko. "Methinks t'was probably just > merely NeoVid: This medieval talk hast ceased to amuse! Scott: Oh, hast it? > the climatic movement of air." > "Probably. By the way that's a rather > neat Ayame impersonation." Jon: *No*, it wasn't. > "Thanks." > said Hanaki, turning back to NeoVid: ...stone, from having looked Keiko in the face. > Tejina's > conversation. "So do we get any sort of > reward for this?" asked Tejina > excitedly. "Well let's see..." Began > Officer Dabble, "...you went through > his stuff, stole food from his fridge, > turned his drawer lock to jello, Scott: I'd be *severely* surprised if they could find a jury willing to believe that. > beat up his butler and Scott: [Dabble] ...His dog and his parakeet and his lab rats... > broke into his lab... > You're looking at a long time in > prison..." Jon: And what a view it is! NeoVid: They should tape it and sell as one of those 'relaxation videos'. > Tejina sweatdropped, as > Becky stepped up behind the officer and Jon: Gave him the nastiest wedgie ever seen this side of Manhattan. > tapped him on the shoulder. "Excuse me > sir, could you look at this pen > please?" NeoVid: *JAB* [Dabble] Dear god, my eye! I thought you used stunt doubles for this! > FLASH Scott: Ah, that Becky. Getting out of trouble by flashing policemen. ^_- Jon: Heh. One look at those puppies and you won't be thinking of much for a while. ^_^ > * > > The problems had started early in the > design process. Balin had wanted a > simple rectangular swimming pool, Bjorn > had wanted a circular one, Gimlat had Jon: ...Been stuck with being named after meat. > wanted a one shaped like a guitar and > Bomur had wanted a simple rectangular Scott: ...tub of Jello. > one... With pink and orange tiles. Jon: Once again, Bomur had forgotten his seeing-color-eye dog at home. > A compromise had been reached, and there > was a strangely shaped depression Mr. Khnt: Oh, i EVen sO mISeraBle... > taking shape in the corner. Apart from > those not watching in a state of > immense amusement, there were about > eighty other dwarves Jon: Ah, I see they brought the main cast of the rejected "Snow White and the Seventy-Seven Dwarves" movie. NeoVid: I'm still saying "Snow White and the One Normal-Sized Person" could've been a hit. > engaged in various > acts around Matsuro's apartment, mostly > involving drinking, and the occasional > brawl. The noise was horrendous to > someone who NeoVid: ...Had never been inside a public school. Scott: Issues? NeoVid: Well, duh. Jon: (eyetwitch) No dancing? No capsing? No making out in the corners? And they call this a *party*? Sheesh! > wasn't accustomed to such > parties. Some of Matsuro's neighbours > had come round to complain, but had > somehow been drawn into the strangely > mesmerising conga line Mr Khnt: You also falls to CONGA VOODOO! > that extended > through the party. Over in the corner, > some dwarves and one middle aged human > were watching a video Gimlat had > brought round. "I have a cunning plan!" > declared the character on screen as he > unveiled his latest invention. "And it > involves the red button of Mass > Destruction!" Scott: Wai! The shiny red button of mass destruction! Mr Knht: END THE FIC SOOON!!!!!!!! OR I GOING TO USE MEWTWO!!!!!!!!!!! (All other riffers in the room back up to the end of the theater.) Jon: Heh. The view's gonna be spectacular from here. NeoVid: Wait a sec... (takes out a camcorder from his jacket) All right! Scott: Uh... aren't you two supposed to be scared? (confused stares) Scott: ...never mind. > The dwarves cheered and > took four sips from their ale. Akemi > smiled with glee. "When's that pool > going to be finished?" she shouted > across the room. "When it's done!" Came > the answer. One of the dwarves nudged > Akemi. "So how's your son?" "Oh he's > probably in LA now. Scott: [Dwarf] Sorry to hear that. > He'll be ok." On > screen, a song and dance routine began. > And there was much rejoicing. All: (blandly) Yay. > * Scott: Hey, wait, that one's not a star... it's a squashed five-legged spider. Someone must've mashed it with the transcript. > "Where are they?" growled Aki, scanning > the crowds for signs of her live-in > protectors, as did the rest of her > group. Jon: Can YOU find the Minions hidden in this scene? > "There they are." said Hanaki, NeoVid: [Hanaki] Open fire! > pointing over to one of the gates, to > which the travellers proceeded. "BE > SAVED FROM VILLYN'S Scott: CLICHES? > WRATH!" Scott: Damn. I would've signed up. > boomed the > Blank Psychic. "TAKE A LEAFLET AND JOIN > THE RANKS OF HIS ARMY!" Unsurprisingly > enough the minion hadn't had much > success, he had only managed to give > leaflets to a few origami enthusiasts > and one person who the Blank Psychic > thought looked a bit crazy. NeoVid: (takes leaflet out of pocket) Hey, I forgot I had this... > "AKI-SAMA!" > he shouted in joy as he saw Aki and > stood to attention in her presence. Scott: Either that's way too much information, or I've read too many lemons. NeoVid: Well, obviously, there's no such thing as too many lemons... > "Er, right." said Aki, drawing a few Jon: H-doujins, which she later uploaded to a well-known FTP site. > stares from people. "Could you wait > outside?" "At once!" He declared, > speeding off NeoVid: The Blank Psychis *is* Wally West! > in the direction of the > exit. "What about him?" asked Keiko, > referring to the tent. Aki sighed and > leaned down to speak into the fabric. Scott: [Aki] Candygram! > "Camper?" "Aki-sama?" "Yes, it's me." > "Really?" The Quake Camper opened the > end of his tent and stuck his head out, > a smile on his face. "Could you come > out of there so you can protect me?" > The Quake Camper hesitated, Los Angeles > was known for it's catastrophic Scott: Movies. > earthquakes and he didn't want to get > caught in one... Scott: Close enough. You don't want to get caught in a bad movie, either. Jon: Alas, but it was too late to save him from the bad *fic*... > but Aki's safety was > at stake. "Hai Aki-sama." All: Hi, Camper! > The Quake > Camper collapsed his tent and packed > away his stuff, seeming to put ten > times as much stuff in there as it > could possibly hold. This show of > unexplainable powers earned a round of > applause from a crowd of passing Scott: Clowns. Professional interest, y'know. > travellers. The Quake Camper bowed, > almost falling over from the weight of > his pack. "I'm ready." stated the loyal > minion. "Right, lets go!" Declared > Tejina. > > WHAT WILL OUR HEROES DO IN L.A.? Mr. Knht: Make mess on thethe set of the X-Files? >WHERE ELSE WILL THEY GO? Mr. Knht: NEW YORK? > WHAT WILL HAPPEN AT > THE PARTY? Jon: (muttering) *What* party? > JUST HOW BADLY WRITTEN WAS THIS? NeoVid: Do we have to repeat ourselves? > WHAT ELSE WILL HAPPEN IN THE NEXT > EPISODE OF: ***THE DO-GOODERS WORLD > TOUR***? Mr. Knht: What happen? NeoVid: Don't worry, the next part was never finished. Mr. Knht: Oh. Scott: AND WHY IS MY CAPS LOCK KEY ON? > Author's notes: It's finished! Finally. Scott: We agree entirely. NeoVid: We're finished too. (falls over) > Sorry this took so long but at least > it's done eh? Send your C&C to > Eslington@bigfoot.com Did you guess > that the Scientist was Jack? If you > read through this again you might be Scott: ...Insane. > able to spot the hints scattered > throughout this fic. Mr. Knht: I rather kill myself again then do that. (The others twitch like crazy.) > Anyway, I'd like to thank the Roe and > Delfina for encouragement, small bits > of proof reading Mr. Khnt: Not enough. > and some genuinely > good ideas: Scott: ...Which I decided not to use, obviously. Mr. Knht: There were BAD IDEAS! NeoVid: Can't you let it go, man? Mr. Knht: Only when cousin wants me. Scott: I've got a bad feeling about this... but who's your cousin? Mr. Knht: Mr. Mxyzptlk. (All riffers facefaults) NeoVid: NOW he pronounces something right? > I'd also like to give a little credit > to the folks on the DGML who inspired > the whole World Tour idea, Scott: And I'd like to give them a grenade or two. Jon: Really? That'd be really nice. > and the > following people for proof reading the > final version: Philip "This fic lends > itself well to lemon adaptation." Scott: Doesn't it, though? Jon: Yup. > Barkow Jonatan "Too much H annoys me" > Streith. Scott: ...Jonatan? (looks at Jon) OUR Jonatan? NeoVid: Nah, can't be. Jon: Heeheehee! (impish grin) No, of course not. > Omi "Did somebody say jello?" > No Miko NeoVid: I don't know. *Did* someone say jello? (ALL shake their heads.) NeoVid: It appears that no one said jello. Sorry. > And another BIG "thank you" to Omi No > Miko for agreeing to write the next > part! Scott: ...So what happened? Jon: Methinks Omi-chan has a short attention span... I'll ask her later. > Matsuro: Help... Mr. Knht: I NEED TO GET OUT! (looks at screen. It's very dark.) [Shaggy-like] ZOINKS! Like, it's over, man! Let's get OUT of her! (The others nod.) It's time for a CLONE vs a CLONE fight! Jon: You're going send Mewtwo to fight Evil Kate, right? Mr. Knht: Lucky guess. Jon: No, actually I was reading your notes. Scott: I'll put five thousand dollars on Evil Kate. If she doesn't disintegrate first. Evil Kate: I -heard- that... */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "It's over," Zeek sighed blissfully. "Finally. At least it wasn't a lemon... and if I get reminded of SF vs MK again..." He shook his head. "I never knew you actually watched that, Zeek," Mark said, sympathetically. "If we knew, we'd have been a bit nicer." "Sirs, I hate to interrupt, but the doors are still locked," Scott observed. "What?!" zerosum ran up and tugged on the doors for a few minutes. "You're right. Is she just going to keep us all in here?" "Not prolbem," Mr. Knht answered. "I just teleprot all you." Once again, the entire group facefaulted. "You could teleport *all along* and you just stayed here?!" R. Jak asked incredulously. "How you think I get her in the first plae?" Mr. Knht answered. "Uh, wait..." NeoVid began. "I can teleport between dimensions, and I couldn't-" The other MSTers shut him up before he could poke any more holes in their shaky premise. The main screen lit up once more. "Oh ye of little faith," Evil Kate said mockingly. "Want a cookie?" Echo quoted. Evil Kate bapped him with her lance and continued. "Of course I still want you here. I want as many people as possible to witness my grand triumph over Mewtwo." "You know, I never thought I'd be cheering for Mewtwo," Kate remarked. Evil Kate glared at her. "Oh, *you're* not coming. You're staying here as a hostage to insure their good behavior during the fight." Kate sighed. "Blast. Well, here's hoping you won't spontaneously combust or something, then." She grinned. Evil Kate let out an exasperated cry and turned back to the theater. "And just for the heck of it, we'll hold this fight in script format," Evil Kate added before departing to get ready. "But I'm allergic to script format," NeoVid whined. Jonatan scowled. "Don't you go to script format as soon as you start all your own MSTs?" "Yeah," NeoVid said. "I just wanted to be irritating." "You needn't bother..." Jonatan casually tossed the last empty can into a corner. "Now I need something to wash away that taste. Hmm..." Echo blinked. "I guess this means I'm referee. Okay, if you'll all hang on a minute, I think I can get the transporters ready." The eight riffers vanished. "I'll be damned. It worked." ***** A few minutes later, a fireball blew out on of the air duct coverings in the projection room. Skribulous, in chibi-dragon form, flew out of the vent and landed inside. The little SD-Godzilla/Dragonite/Shen Long hybrid dramatically held up a sign proclaiming, "Hah! Now I'll stop you!" before realizing that Evil Kate wasn't there anymore. "Skrib! Am I ever glad to see you!" Kate cried. "Help me get out of here, and then we'll..." "We'll what?" Chibi-Skrib signed, a leer on his face. h_h Kate took the sign and bapped him with it. @_@ ***** [Camera fades from black onto a shot of a large arena-ish construct, done in marble. Large pillars hold the roof up, except for where the large skylight is, displaying the glories of the night sky. The skylight resides directly over the open area at the center of the construct, where the familiar lines of a pokemon arena can be seen. The masses of spectators lining the grandstands wonder who the hell made *stone seating*, and grimace accordingly. Down in the climate- controlled-- MARK: Meaning the-- (NeoVid nudges him) NEOVID: The riffing's over now. This is the fight introduction. Quit that. MARK: Whoops, sorry I interrupted. --extra-comfy VIP section, our group of heroes are sitting, busy consuming beverages and nachos, next to people such as Kyo Kusanagi, Ryu Hayabusa, Squall Leonheart, Geese Howard, a couple of members of Shin-Ra Electric, Kefka, and Leonardo Decaprio. A meteor happens to hit Kyo and Leonardo, but no one cares.] MARK: (looking up) Daaaaaaaaang, that's one long introduction. ZERO: Shut up and pass the Snorlax kebabs. JON: Aah, script format. Refreshing. Nothing beats it. R. JAK: Yes. Frees up the need for stage direction. (looks around) Anyone see the ring card girl? [The group lapses into silence, waiting for the show to begin. And it does. The camera focuses on the center of the arena's ring, where a 20ish male is holding a microphone.] ECHO: Hi guys. [Chorus of unenthusiastic 'hi's. NeoVid boos and throws stuff for the heck of it.] ECHO: Well, Good evening, and welcome to the arena. Tonight we're here for a fight... MR KHNT: Really? I never think that those time. ECHO: ...as I expect you've guessed, and... NEOVID: GET ON WITH IT, YOU GIMP! [Echo flicks a switch on the side of his microphone.] ECHO: [Incredibly Loud] SHUT UP!!!! [Normal] Thank you. NEOVID: [Very faint] Bite me. ECHO: Anyway, the fight of the millenium (which isn't over yet) is about to be held here! I am your host and referee, Echo Albarn, and let's introduce our two fighters... First, our challenger, from the Greater Maryland Cloning Facility, known for her quick wit and quicker lance, weighing in at... [Echo gives the crowd a *look*] ECHO: [muttering] Never ask a woman her weight... [normal] uh... oh, forget it. [Echo takes a deep breath] ECHO: EVIL! KATE! MALLOY! [Evil Kate approaches the arena, dragoon-jumps into the ring, and begins polishing her lance. Assorted cheering is heard as the camera points out several villians in the VIP section, jumping up and down and yelling for Kate.] MR. KNHT: Spoony bard! ECHO: And our champion, from the mysterious laboratories of the Pokemon universe, known for humiliating all his opponents other than Mew... weighing in at se-ven-ty-nine and three-tenths pounds... [another deep breath]...MEWWWWWW...TWO! [More assorted cheering. Mewtwo hovers across the floor to his designated end, much less silently than most of the people familiar with his character would have expected...] MEWTWO: >I am Mewtwo-uh! I am the most powerful Pokémon in history-uh! I could beat this 'Evil Kate' with both paws behind my back-uh! Even standing here looking like I'm doing nothing-uh!< MARK: (shocked) We're supposed to cheer for HIM? He isn't even in character! NEOVID: Quit the fourth wall breakages, will you? ZEEK: I'm not sure, but in this situation, I hope the Pokemon gets roasted. Gotta kill 'em all. [Echo, microphone still in hand, gestures for the fighters to come forward. As they arrive, he begins to reel off the rules of the fight.] ECHO: The rounds will be....um, until one of you is done for. There are no rules, as you are both evil. [Echo clicks the microphone off for a moment.] ECHO: Just don't hurt me. [mike on] ECHO: And now, if you're ready, you can glare at each other evilly in splitscreen that saves the nonexistant animators several thousand dollars and begin the match! [Somewhere, a bell chimes.] ECHO: FIGHT! [Evil Kate immediately takes off, jumping out of sight. Mewtwo follows, hovering slowly.] JON: Hey, that's no good! We have to see! (looks over at the back rows) Never mind. [Echo, meanwhile, makes his way over to a strange-looking control panel of sorts. He pulls a big blue lever. A steel cage drops from the ceiling, forching Evil Kate and Mewtwo back down to ring level.] EVIL KATE: Hey, no fair! ZEEK: *She's* complaining about fair? ECHO: Sorry, boss, but we have to give the audience what they want, right? [Evil Kate grumbles a little, then points her lance at Mewtwo.] EVIL KATE: You're going down! [She charges Mewtwo, flailing her lance all the way. Mewtwo zips to one side, dodging it easily.] MEWTWO: >You thought you had a chance-uh!? I'm more than you can handle-uh!< NEOVID: [twitch] Pokelemon flashback... R. JAK: Well, this is fun. How are you liking this, Jon? (pauses) Jon? [He looks over and does a double take] JON: [Now with a rather cute, pink-haired girl with a driver's cap sitting in his lap, and pouring him a drink] Ah, quality entertainment. GIRL: But you're not watching the fight. JON: Who said anything about the fight? [sips from his glass] Did you bring the car? GIRL: It's in the back. NEOVID: You like to indulge, don't you? JON: Oh yes. [Meanwhile...] EVIL KATE: Okay, that's it! TORNADO! [A whirwind springs up in the cage, catching both Evil Kate and Mewtwo.] ZERO: Oh, great, we can't see again. MARK: You seem a bit upset by this, zero. ECHO: Don't look at me. Any ideas, Thinker-clone? [MR. KNHT whacks ECHO] MR. KNHT: Prease get tought in ya thick skurr. I not THINKER! R. JAK: Excuse me. I have to go to the...erm...bathroom. SCOTT: Get some Goobers on the way up. R. JAK: Uh...sure. [He steps over a few dignitaries and goes to the back of the stadium.] ***** [Meanwhile, up in the rafters...] KATE: It figures. She's just like every other villain I've ever written. Egotistical and short-tempered. SKRIB: And this is different from you how? KATE: [baps Skrib] Watch it, dragon. Okay, wait for my signal... ***** [Inside the cage, the whirlwind has died down. Evil Kate has the point of her lance pressed against Mewtwo's torso. He, in turn, has a nasty-looking psychic bolt in one hand, ready to let fly.] ECHO: It's a John Woo standoff! NEOVID: Thank you, Mr. Pointer-Out-Of-The-Obvious. [Echo glares at NeoVid.] EVIL KATE: Okay, clone-kitty. It's either you or me, so... VOICE: ULTIMATE REVENGE STRIKE! [Several things happen at once. A huge golden dragon swoops down from the ceiling, knocking the cage aside. A young woman, armed with a large glowing purple mallet, jumps from the dragon's back and lands in the arena. She whacks Mewtwo and Evil Kate over their heads with the mallet, temporarily stunning them.] KATE: Nothing can stand in the way of the Okay Mallet! SCOTT: [muttering] That's for sure... ECHO: Oh no! We got new people in the ring! [Kate and Skrib, quickly morphing to chibi form, wave to the audience.] KATE: [cheerfully] Hi, guys! Did you miss me? SD-SKRIB: [raising sign] Random Plot Twist for hire: email maramala@hotmail.com for details. MR. KNHT: That was too Thinkerish, even for me. [Meanwhile, both Evil Kate and Mewtwo have recovered and are glaring at the back of Kate's head.] SD-SKRIB: [raising sign] Um, behind you, Kate. [Kate whirls around.] KATE: Oh. Hi there. [sweatdrops] EVIL KATE: You. Die. MEWTWO: >You are SO screwed-uh!< [Kate turns back to the audience.] KATE: Um... a little help here, guys? JON: That's enough of a distraction. Let's scoot. GIRL: But what about her? [points at Kate] ZERO: She's a good-looking girl who made the mistake of getting involved. What else about her? [Skrib spots the pink-haired girl. He growls, growing to his kaiju form.] SKRIB: [growling] Pink hair... must kill... [There is a loud rumbling from outside, then a loud whine of turbines.] MR. KNHT: What in brazes...? [Suddenly, a large mechanized walker crashes through the domed ceiling and lands in the ring, landing full force onto Skrib before he can lunge towards Jon. The crowd is predictably shocked.] EVIL KATE: ...whoah. KATE: Lovely. She's channeling Keanu now. [The cockpit of the walker flips up, revealing R. Jak, who looks around innocently.] R. JAK: Sorry. I just found this in the parking lot and I couldn't resist. Vouch for me, will ya? [He looks down.] Oh crap. Sorry, Skrib. SKRIB: [groaning, pulls out a sign] 'salright... JON: [to the girl] ...I think she's in good hands. [to the rest of the gang] Bye, guys! [sneaks away, the girl in tow] SCOTT: That's... huh. SKRIB: [raising sign] Get you asses back here so I can kick it! [turns over sign] After I get out of here... ZEEK: Forget Evil Kate for now. Kill the large rodent! MR. KNHT: I acumpany ya, buddy. [Both teleport into the ring, weapons in hand] MARK: [Turns to Scott, NeoVid and Zero] You want to get involved? SCOTT: Sorry. I haven't got my Goobers yet. NEOVID: I'm a Mewtwo fan anyway. ZERO: Feh. Like I really want to get involved in a melee with this group. [Slouches down further in his seat and folds his hands in front of his mouth] MARK: Oh, good. I thought I was the only one. [Settles back in his seat] Anyone want some Fried Magikarp? [Echo recovers himself and gets the mike] ECHO: We seem to have a correction in the fight card. We have a Winner-take-all match between the team of Evil Kate Malloy and Mewtwo and the team of Good Kate, a chibified dragon, two guys in weird clothes, and what looks to be... a Vulture heavy-class 'Mech! R. JAK: [patting the dashboard] Just call him "Orcrist". KATE: You are a very, VERY strange person. R. JAK: Danke. [He gets back into the cockpit and gets off the flattened Skrib, who is rather dazed at the moment] EVIL KATE: Because we're such Evil Villains, we'll let you heroes indulge in your opening speeches of fighting evil in the name of love and justice like the typical cliches that we tend to act in. KATE: Well that's nice of-- [Evil Kate Dragoon Jumps.] KATE: --eep. [Everyone gets out of the way as Evil Kate descends, her lance forming a crater as it impacts the floor.] MR. KNHT: Taht's it, Eivl Kate... Skribulous, I choose you! VOMIT FLAME! SKRIB: Hey! I'm not a pokemon! MARK: Sure fooled me. SKRIB: I'll remember that crack. >_< MARK: [smug] Now we're even. MEWTWO: >Foolish.< [Charges up a psychic ball] NEOVID: Hey! Mewtwo's in character. [Mewtwo releases telekinetic balls of force towards the other fighters in the ring.] MEWTWO: >Now I show you-uh!< >That I am the GREATEST-uh!< ZERO: ...Or not. ECHO: And the FIGHT is ON! [Our band of heroes traded blasts with the telekinetic pokemon and the Evil Clone Girl. The two sides are evenly matched... so far. Unfortunately for our heroes, at some point Evil Kate was able to take control of R.Jak's mecha and turn the tide of battle. Don't you just wish there was more description so that the fight scene would be more exciting? Well, tough.] MARK: Man, they're in real trouble now. I wish we could think of something... [At this point, Signus Megido walks down the aisle towards Mark.] SIG: Poa. MARK: Huh? [turns around] Hey, Sig! NEOVID: Fancy meeting you here, Siggy boy! SIG: Don't. Call. Me. That. [Watches the brawl] So that's what Skrib was up to. [shakes head, grumbling] Baka baka. Skrib no baka. ZERO: Um, Nadesico ref? [Sig takes the Gameboy from Mark.] SIG: Excuse me. [shouting] HEY! THINKER! MR. KNHT: I NO THINKER! SIG: Whatever. CATCH! [Throws Gameboy at Mr. Knht] MR. KNHT: Tanks! [Mr. Kht opens the Gameboy and releases Zapdos. The legendary pokemon rises like a Phoenix.] MR. KNHT: Zapds! Eletric attak, now! [Zapdos fries Mewtwo with an attack. Mewtwo vibrates a bit and a teeny sound effect was heard.] MEWTWO: >Curses< [Blasts another blue ball of flame at our heroes.] MARK: Well that didn't work. R.JAK: [Suddenly notices something] Hey, what's that thing you're holding? ECHO: This? [Holds up a gadget that looks like a TV remote-control.] It's a sliding unit. I used it to summon Mewtwo here. R.JAK: Give me that! [Snatches the timer from Echo.] [R.Jak aims the timer at the area behind Mewtwo. A blue wormhole appears behind the pokemon.] MEWTWO: >Noooooooo-uh!< [Mewtwo gets sucked into the wormhole.] SCOTT: Well, that was anti-climatic. NEOVID: There's still the Evil Clone Girl. [Kate swings her mallet at Evil Kate, who unfortunately manages to dodge just in time. Kate's mallet ends up flattening Skrib's tail.] KATE: Oops! Sorry, Skrib! SKRIB: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! [lets loose a continuous fire stream from his mouth] [The audience ducks to avoid being singed. The other combatant good guys aren't so lucky. The fire eventually activates the stadium's sprinkler systems. Evil Kate is drenched.] MARK: I didn't know this place had a sprinkler system. SCOTT: How come it didn't go off when the fireballs were being thrown? NEOVID: Dramatic necessity. [The three nod. Signus facepalms.] EVIL KATE: Noooooooo... I'm melting, I'm meeeltinggg...oh, what a world... what a world...! [Evil Kate melts, leaving a puddle of goo inside the dragoon armor.] SIG: Now that was pretty anticlimatic. SKRIB: Ewwwww... hope she doesn't stain. [Zeek unceremoniously dumps a glass of water on TV's Echo, snickering.] ZEEK: Now you can melt with your mistress, and as for me, I'm outta here. [he vanishes.] [ECHO, blinks, as if just waking up.] ECHO: Um, where are we? What happened? Why am I drenched? I was just in the theatre, and... How the hell did we rebuild that set from EE into an arena? I'm confused. [leaves.] NEOVID: I hope we've learned a lesson from this. No matter how bad your doppelganger is, you can always get rid of them using a team effort. There is no enemy to big or small that can stand in the way of... MARK: Shut up, Vid. We're going home. [He drags NeoVid off. Stops.] Wait a minute, you're the teleporter here. Teleport us away. NEOVID: Not until you ask nicely. MARK: You're just doing that to irritate me, right? NEOVID: Yup. ^_^ MARK: Fine, I'll head out myself. [Walks off.] NEOVID: Some people just can't take a little irritation. [Teleports away] R. JAK: [looks at the puddle and smirks] What a senseless waste of human life... SKRIB: And thus, after a hard and desperate battle, our victorious heroes-- SIG: Shut UP, Skrib. Let's get back to the Focal Point. SKRIB: Sure! (whispers conspiratorically at Kate) Do you know Siggy here likes you? KATE: ...What? SIG: [reddening a bit] Skrib... >_< SKRIB: OKies! We're gone! [Skrib tears a hole in reality and enters. Signus follows a moment later after a brief glance towards Kate.] [Kate stares at the puddle of goo that is the remnants of her evil clone.] KATE: Ergh... it's going to take me *forever* to clean this up. I don't suppose you guys would- [There is a loud whooshing sound, and when Kate looks over, there's nothing but a set of dust clouds where the rest of the group was standing.] KATE: Yeah, *thanks*, guys. [sighs] Not that I can blame them for wanting to get out of here after all this. I wouldn't mind getting away for a while... [A lightbulb turns on over her head. She looks up at it oddly.] Okayyyy... But anyway, I have an idea... ***** A little while later... Kate was in her apartment, surrounded by suitcases. A knock sounded on the door. "C'mon in; it's unlocked!" she called. Mark Poa stepped in. "Thanks for coming on such short notice," Kate said. "I'm really, really sorry about the evil clone thing." "It's all right," Mark answered. "I've pretty much recovered by now. I think." "I hate to ask another favor of you so soon," Kate continued. "But I appreciate you agreeing to apartment-sit while I go on vacation for a while. I promise I'll bring you back something extra nice. And I'll send postcards, too!" She tossed him the keys. "If any of the other guys want to come over, they're welcome to. Just try not to wreck the place too badly, okay? Bye!" She then dashed out the door, setting the land speed record for a young woman laden with suitcases. "...what have I gotten myself into?" Mark asked. ***** Sometime even later in the Theater of Pain... A lone figure walked around the lobby. "Oh, great, I think I'm lost." The figure looked around. "Maybe the exit is this way." He headed to the left. [The end...for now.] ***** [Or... is it?] ******* Authors' notes: Jonatan: Not only long, but pretty drawn out as well... my riffs were pretty delayed in a lot of cases. Damn RL... but now... onward to other, better things! Oh, who am I kidding. We'll just do more MSTings. ^_^ Kate Malloy: (checks calendar) Okay, this is only... ten months late? ^^;;;;;; My apologies, all. Still, it was fun, and I hope everybody enjoyed themselves. Thinker, I had to cut out a few of your ending bits in order to get in the parts about my character leaving for vacation, which ties into a later MSTing. Hope you don't mind too much. Special thanks go to Mark Poa for some extra editing. Of course, who's to say that the evil clone is really dead now? They tend to be somewhat... resiliant in my experience. ^_~ Mark Poa: That was one mighty loooong riffing! ^_^; Really looking forward to my chance at Mad. And since I didn't have a regular riffing style yet, I figured I ought to try "crazy semi-hentai mode" for this outing. Mr. KNHT: That was a FUN thing to do. My creator is please with the result of this. Dr. Thinker: You can said that again. My creator is please with the result of this. My creator is please with the result of this. Dr. Thinker: It was just a paragah of speech, my Avator. (sighs) Signed Mr. Knht & Dr. Thinker NeoVid: Boy, that thing was long. Much longer than when I just had to read through it. ^_^ Anyway, with the way I was mostly trying to catch up during this MST, I wasn't at my usual level of absolute brilliance, but hey, it's cool. Now, must take time off to avoid burning out... -NeoVid R. Jak: This is my first MiSTing after the monster that was PJ's Nemesis, and I'm still carrying scars. Anyway, wacky story. It was very interesting that everybody got switched around a lot. Thanx to the new guys for getting into the spirit ofthings. See you next session. --RJ TV's Echo's Experiment notes: Ah, who am I kidding? I wasn't even here for most of this! I just chimed in where appropriate. It was fun being the second bananna, though. Well, it was fun when Evil Kate wasn't experimenting on me. [Evil Echo enters the room, and grins evilly.] Oh, bloody hell. In the tradition of "Secret Worker", we have -- JOYRIDING RIFFER'S NOTES: Ayup, it's me, Skribulous! ^-^_v As you may have already noticed, I'm not in the riffer's lineup; why am I here? Well, it all started over a month ago when Jon (or was it 'Vid? I forgot ^^;;;) lamented on the lack of riffing. Out of sheer insanity (as if there was any surprise *there*), I jumped in. Wai! ^_^ Hope you had fun reading this MST as we had riffing the fic. Enjoy.