*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Indie Madnesse proudly presents: IMPROFICROAST: Improvisational MiSTing or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Come Up With Riffs In Two Days http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net Episode 006: Do-Gooders World Tour, Parts 1 and 2 With Pokemon OVA, Part 2 Team A Edition (1 of 2! Collect them all!) Participants: -Dr. Thinker/Mr. Knht (winkstwo@sssnet.com) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -Echo Albarn (echo_albarn@hotmail.com) Intro, Intermissions, Conclusion -Jonatan Streith (a99jonst@ida.his.se) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -Kate Malloy (kamalloy@home.com) Intro, Intermissions, Conclusion, Guest Villain, Editor -Mark Poa (markpoa@edsamail.com.ph) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion, Editing -NeoVid (neovid@hotmail.com) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -Ripper Jak (WYVERN5555@aol.com) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -Scott Schimmel (schimmel@voicenet.com) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -Signus Megido/Skribulous (maramala@hotmail.com) MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -Zeek Silverfire (twarner@erinet.com) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion -zerosum (dugan@freeze.com) Intro, MiSTing, Intermissions, Conclusion */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* OBLIGITARY LEGAL BLAH MST3K & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Dr. Thinker, Echo Albarn, Jonatan Streith, Kate Malloy, Mark Poa, Mr. Knht, NeoVid, Ripper Jak, Scott Schimmel, Signus Megido, Skribulous, Zeek Silverfire, and zerosum are owned and copyrighted by their respective creators. Do-Gooders is an ImproFanfic work. ImproFicRoast is owned and copyrighted by Indie Madnesse. MISTING CLASSIFICATION [MST]: Meta-Misting - Misting Of A Misting, Or A Unusual Misting The misting was completely improvised; see the ImproFicRoast home page for more details. [NONE]: Era Unknown or Unspecified The cast and characters are completely independent of the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" Storyline. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* One week had passed since the Theater of Pain's showing of "Embryonic Eclipse." Since then, no one had ventured near it. If someone had, they would have observed strange noises coming from it - noises that sounded very much like hammering, sawing, and the like. But why on earth would someone be building something in the Theater of Pain? */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Mark Poa looked uncertainly at the note he'd received the previous day. "Mark," it read. "I've gotten into a bit of trouble and I really need your help! Please meet me in the lobby of the Theater of Pain. Signed, Kate." Although he didn't enjoy the thought of going to the Theater, he never could say "no" when a girl asked for help. He also figured he could trust Kate. After all, it was highly unlikely that this note was simply a lure to get him to the theater so he could watch more bad fanfiction. Right? Sighing, he pushed open the door to the Theater and walked in. NeoVid, R. Jak, and a guy dressed rather like a ninja were already waiting there. "Hey!" Mark waved. "You all got notes too?" R. Jak nodded. "Yeah. Figured I should come check it out. Oh, by the way, this is Zeek. He was here last week with some of the other guys." "There was a show last time?" Mark asked. "Yeah," added NeoVid. "Apparently, we missed a showing of a rather odd Sailor Moon fic." Zeek just nodded at Mark. Mark shuddered involuntarily at the thought of a Sailor Moon fic. "Good thing I was not here then," he remarked. "What's with the outfit?" he asked Zeek. NeoVid looked strangely (well, more than usual) at Zeek. "Dude... Nintendo completely ripped off your look." Zeek reached for his sword. "Who do you think I look like, exactly?" There was a pause. Mark frowned. "I dunno. He looks like Link." "Come on, he looks nothing like Link," NeoVid retorted. "It's more like Toad." "Toad?" Zeek growled, gripping his sword tightly now. "No, not Toad." NeoVid said, then thought. "I dunno. Maybe he looks like Higgins." "Higgins?" Mark said. "You mean that islander guy who runs around in his underwear throwing tomahawks and..." "No, sorry. Not Higgins. Uh... who was the guy in that game with those skateboarding guys?" "You mean Lester?" R. Jak suggested. "Yeah! Lester!" R. Jak and Mark took another look at Zeek, then stared back at NeoVid. "He doesn't look like Lester." Mark said softly. "I don't care," NeoVid said. "He looks like a Nintendo character. Can't put my finger on which one though." The door to the outside opened again, and another young man stepped in. He was brown-haired and dressed in black. The brown-haired guy glanced around the lobby, shrugged to himself, and waved. "Hi! I'm Jason, but you can call me zerosum." The group stared blankly at the newcomer, who cleared his throat nervously. "You got notes too?" zero offered. "It's a Goth," Mark whispered. "Maybe if we stay still, it'll go away." Neovid began to reply, but was interrupted by the arrival of yet another young man, this one blond and dressed in blue denim and a long cloak of constantly-shifting colors. The blond looked around. "Hmm... that's odd. I don't see her." R. Jak stared in horror at the new arrival. He then reached into his trenchcoat, produced a large baseball bat, and glowered. "Sorry, did I do something wrong?" The blond man said, sweat appearing on his brow. NeoVid frowned ominously. "Who might you be?" he asked. "I'm Scott Schimmel. Kate and I are old friends, and I got this note--" Scott held up his note. "Saying that she's in trouble? Yeah, we all got them too," NeoVid replied. "I'm NeoVid, and this is Zeek, Mark Poa, and goth boy zerosum. The guy about to beat you with the bat is Ryan Jakobi, better known as R. Jak." "Who said I was goth?" zerosum said indignantly. Everyone ignored him. R. Jak looked around nervously, and put the bat back in his trenchcoat. "I'm sorry. I thought you were Lief Garret for a moment." "Yes, quite." Scott smiled, inching his way far from him. zerosum blinked in confusion. "Anyway, you guys all got the same note? That's odd, 'cause mine says something about a new writer welcoming session." "Really?" asked Scott. "Mine says she wants to break my will by showing me bad fanfiction." "Hmmm... this seems suspicious," Zeek murmured. "I'm starting to have a real bad feeling about this," Mark noted. Suddenly, two things happened simultaneously. The first was that a strange person teleported into the theater lobby. The second was that the doors swung shut. "It's a trap!" cried Mark, Admiral Ackbar-style. "Gee," Scott drawled. "I didn't see that coming." R. Jak ran to the doors and tried to open them. "It's no good," he sighed dejectedly. In the meantime, NeoVid was staring at the newest arrival, dressed in a blue hat, red pants, and yellow shoes. He was holding something that looked rather like a GameBoy Color. "Yay, someone from the fifth dimension." He then blinked. "Why did I just say that?" "Okay, boy," R. Jak said, bat out again. "Who are you and why do you look like a fashion victim?" "I Mr. Knht," the new arrival said. "I from fifth dimension. Am happy happy happy to be here!" He smiled to the confused crowd. NeoVid narrowed his eyes. "You're Thinker, aren't you?" Mr. Knht shook his head. "Not Thinker. Definitly no Thinker." "Oh?" Zeek said. "Why'd you use broken English then?" Mr. Khnt paused. "Wel..." "Ask about the Pokemon Game Boy carrying case too, Vid." Mark said, pointing to a fanny pack on Knht's person. "Is coindicence, really!" Knht protested. "I come to see bad fanfciotion, no rite it!" zerosum groaned. "Oh, this is one of *those* places." "Okay Mister..." R. Jak paused. "How do you pronounce that again, Mr... uh..." "It's pronounced Cun-" WHAP "OW!" NeoVid ended. "Save it for the MSTing." Just then, the monitor lit up. Everyone turned to see... "Ooh, look! A sale at Sears!" Scott yelled gleefully. "That's the TV, dummy," Mark hissed. "Oh, sorry." Scott turned around with the group just in time to see an evil looking woman glowering at them. It took them a while to figure out the identity. "Kate!" Scott yelled. "What are you doing? And what are you wearing?" The girl on the monitor certainly looked like Kate, but she was dressed like Queen Uzume. "Not Kate, my dear friend. Magic Emperor... oh, wait, wrong game," ?Kate? said. "Well, it's nice to see that my plans worked so well." "Wait..." R. Jak paused. "Our Mad is... Kate?" "Have you gone insane?" Mark asked. Everyone looked at him. He shrugged. "What? Someone had to ask it." "How could she have gone insane?" NeoVid yelled. "The only thing she's watched so far are those Thinkerfics and a couple of other things. I mean, it's not like she went mad over THOSE!" "Yes, my dear NeoVid," "Kate" replied. "I'm as sane as I ever was." "I'd have to agree," Scott chimed in. He was ignored. "And I'm not really Kate. Would you like to see her? She's right here." She stepped aside to reveal two tied-up figures - the "real" Kate, and... "Jon!" NeoVid exclaimed. "Jon?" Mark replied. "Yeah. Jon," R. Jak answered. "Who Jon?" Mr. Knht asked. "You stinking rotter, so that's where you've been!" R. Jak responded angrily. "Hi, guys," the "real" Kate said in an embarrassed tone. "Sorry about this." "Hey yo," Jonatan ^_^'ed at the group. "How did this happen?" NeoVid asked. "Well, you remember how I had to take Jonatan to get cloned after I accidentally summoned Odin on him?" she explained. zerosum, Zeek, and Scott shared nervous glances. "It was an accident!" she yelled. "Honestly! Anyhow, I got Yon-kun back--" "Back with a vengeance!" Jonatan quipped. Kate shot him a glare before continuing. "And then I sorta...um...tripped and fell in one of the cloning vats. So that's how she got here. And there was something wrong with the process, so she's a warped and evil version of me." NeoVid grinned. "Evil Kate, huh? Cool. But rather unoriginal, though." Scott gave the projection a once-over. "Hey, Kate... how come you don't wear shinyleather more often?" "And," Kate emphasized, doing her best to ignore him, "she's got mysterious psychic powers as well as being much stronger than I am, so she overpowered us, captured us, and has been holding us prisoner since then," she finished expositing. "But Jonatan, you can eat through steel chains!" Mark pointed out. "Why didn't you try to escape?" He paused. "Or maybe I didn't need to ask that?" he added with a weird grin. "Eheh..." Jonatan shrugged. "I kinda like being tied up by a cute girl." He winked at Evil Kate. "Hey, bayy-be! When do we start on the other stuff?" "Thought so," Mark muttered. Kate gritted her teeth and would have hit him if she hadn't been tied up as well. "Are you finished, Ayame?" Evil Kate said scornfully. "Actually, no," Kate replied. "She was the 'me' in the theater last week, observing the process. And apparently none of the guys even noticed!" "Don't blame them," R. Jak said sadly. Zeek shrugged. "I never saw you before then, and the rest of them aren't here." "Okay, now I'm finished," Kate said. "Now will you get me out of here?!" "I don't think so," Evil Kate answered. "You see, now that I have all your friends, I plan to inflict the agony of bad fanfiction upon them! I will delight in driving out their sanity! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" "I've told you once, I've told you twice, that's not the right laugh for you..." Jonatan muttered. "Why?" Scott asked simply. "Why not?" Evil Kate answered. He shrugged. "Now," she continued, "if you'll turn around, I think you'll notice something different..." "And now, for something completely different," Jonatan ^_^'ed. Evil Kate's eyebrow twitched slightly. The group obligingly turned. "I don't think there were two doors there before," R. Jak observed. "Elementary, my dear Watson," Jonatan quipped. "Woofer's not here," Mark answered. Evil Kate grinned. "That's right. My 'original', along with Jonatan and my assistant, have been doing a little remodeling. We've expanded the theater to have a second projection room." "Asisstant? What assitnat?" Mr. Knht asked. "Echo, come on out!" Evil Kate called. Obligingly, TV's Echo Albarn, author of the previous fic, stepped out and waved. "Hello," he said. "After we left him locked in the theater last time, he started to go a little crazy," Evil Kate explained. "I found him gibbering in the corner, and he was so happy to see another human being that he agreed to help me without even realizing what he was agreeing to." "Yap, yap, yap," Jonatan said. At this point, Evil Kate spun around. "Do you want something, you pathetic excuse of--" "Boy, you certainly love the sound of your own voice," he chided. "And you called Kate-chan Ayame?" "I'll have you know--" "Maybe YOU'RE Ayame! Wow, I'm being held prisoner by one of my own creations!" He grinned even wider. "Let's see you transform into Sailor Exp--" *WHAP!* "Ow! Getting rough, chika? That's the way I like it!" "ENOUGH!" She grabbed him by his restraining ropes, hoisted him into the air, and booted him offscreen. The outside group could only watch in surprise as the window to the projection room shattered and the offending Swede flew out, landing gracefully on his face. "That must got hurting," Mr. Knht said. "Need help with those ropes?" Zeek asked, drawing his sword. "Ah? No need." Jonatan leapt to his feet, twirling the now untied rope in his hand. "A little trick I learned from Houdini." "Isn't he dead?" Mark asked. "You really think the afterlife would be able to hold him?" Jonatan ^_^'ed. "AHEM!" Evil Kate said, drawing everyone's attention again. "Now, here's how we're going to work this. You four," she pointed at Jonatan, Zeek, Mark, and Scott, "go to Theater A. The rest of you go to Theater B. And if you try anything funny...I won't hesitate to do something really nasty and evil to your friend here." She pointed at the original Kate, who hung her head apologetically. "I never meant to get any of you involved in this," Kate murmured. "I'm sorry." "Echo, push the button," Evil Kate said triumphantly. Echo nodded and did as he was told. "WE'VE GOT FANFICTION SIGN!" As the sirens blared off, and everyone began running to their respective doors, Zeek looked directly at Evil Kate. "You realize I'm not scared at all. Mainly because I saw something just as terrifying before I got to the theatre. Teletubbies in a video game. Now excuse me." Walking behind him, Mark shuddered. "Teletubbies? Scary." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* DOOR SEQUENCE: Door 4A: The group on 4A have been hammering the door continuously with various stuff as Zeek walks over. "ARGH! It won't open!!" "Isn't that a good thing?" "Oh yea, COOL!" "But you realize we are going to be blasted into little kibble if we don't get through the door." "Oh yea.." The destruction continues a few more minutes, then Jonatan, being bored, knocks on it and it opens. Door 3A: It's a giant steel door protected by a huge, complicated-looking electronic lock. Scott presses a conveniently-placed big red button, causing Wyoming to explode. While he sweatdrops, Mark presses the 'Power' button, deactivating the lock, and the door swings open. Door 2A: A female voice echoes "Incoming game," and a huge purple cube descends on the group, carrying them off to the next door. Door 1A: As everyone falls out of the cube, not much the worse for wear, but grumbling on how they had to play Pong, a Gargoyle shows up in front of the gate that leads into the theatre. "You have come to this place. Do you wish to enter the shadows?" The group looks at each other, then at the Gargoyle, then they pick up the Gargoyle and use its head (to loud complaints) to batter through the door. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* > POKEMON OAV Vol #2 - "Brocking & > Brolling" By Dr. Thinker Jon: That's one way to handle intensely disliked characters. Mark: Huh? (realizes) Urp... Zeek: I never knew Thinker wrote darkfics. > ######################## > > Ash had waste no time since we last saw > him after talking to "Wheeler" and Mark: Captain Planet crossover. > "Fast Girl". He mentions that he got a > Catpire Mark: Catpire? Scott: That'd be, what, Meruru after meeting Dracula? Zeek: It's Thinker. Don't think too much. Mark: Okay, forget I asked. > and a Weedle and they evolved Jon: [ominous voice] Ascending to position of master race, the Catpire and Weedle crushed the insignificant human race, sharing no pity for the obsolete beings... > very quicky. Ash had mention that he > kicked five bug trainer's Pokemon's Scott: Animal abuse! Mark: A few days later, Ash received a letter from SPCP, the Society for Preventing Cruelty towards Pokemon. > tails back to their Pokeball. Ash isn't > really happening with his wins, he Jon: Ash isn't really happening? Bummer, dude. I know I'm happening, for sure. > knows that lower bug Pokemon are almost > as weak as a Marikarp. Zeek: A what? Jon: Ah, so they merged a Pokemon with a whiny sprog sorceress wannabe? Scott: (sweatdrop) You do know that you'll have a mob of Glorious fans on our tail now? Zeek: Actually, I thought that was something to do with Mary Sues... > Ash sees a building ahead and sighs > with reliff. Zeek: What the heck is 'reliff'? Scott: Maybe he means 'Ratliff.' Jon: Does that mean... Marrissa will be in this? [suddenly looks nervous] > That he doesn't had to > deal with bug-brained trainers. He > enters and sees the first buidling. A > POKEMON CENTER! All: *Gasp!* (pause) Mark: Why did we do that? Scott: Well, it seemed like a great revelation... > Ash sees a Nurse Joy, and he's shock. Zeek: A male Nurse Joy? Scott: And he's Shock, too? Some kind of superhero, maybe? Jon: I wonder if they had him wear the standard uniform, too? Mark: That was not a pleasant image. >_< [Jonatan, Zeek and Scott look at Mark] Mark: What? > He learns about Nurse Joy's huge family Jon: [Tom Servo] It's HUGE! > and she's is the mother of the Joy in > Virdain. Nurse Joy can arrange in any > age from 18 to 109. (Mark shudders) Jon: Something wrong? Mark: I just had a bad mental image of a 109 year old Joy. Zeek: Not to worry, they look exactly alike, even if they are different ages. Just remember not to date one. > Ash aslo learns > about Officers Jennys as well, they > kind of the same, but can arrange from > ages 26 to 120. Zeek: But they keep the really old ones off the show so's not to give the wrong impressions. It's not cause they look bad, it's that they're cynical. Jon: Just like you? Zeek: Maybe. > Nurse Joy aslo tells > that the biograpy of the Pewter's City > Gym Leader is on a post. Like all of > the city. Mark: All of the city's on a post? Talk about urban planning! > A man ask if he had visit the measum > yet. Mark: Such stunning characterisation. > He takes a measum tour lonely with > a strange female like smile at any > mention of the words: WATER POKEMON. Jon: Pavlov taught her well. Mark: If he was lonely, what was he doing with with the female? > (You find out who's is young woman is > Vol. #3.) Scott: Suspense being built by Thinker is like... like... Mark: ...like a romantic dinner prepared by Kodachi? Scott: Yeah. > Then he talks to the man > again and ask to visit the Gym Leader. Jon: But the man refused. THE MAN IS KEEPING HIM DOWN! Scott: Fight the power, Ash! > The man leads Ash to the gates. Right > next to the door is post: Scott: Oh look, Nurse Joy's got mail. Jon: Latest issue of "Pokemon Illustrated" has arrived. Hey, it's the swimsuit edition! > Long time ago, Flint Bonte had 11 > kids. Jon: None of them with his wife. ^_^ Zeek: That was uncalled for! *Slash!* Jon: Eep! > Flint died at the age 24, and Mark: That's young. Scott: *gasp!* Wait a second! If he had ELEVEN kids, and only got to age 24... Jon: That's one guy who keeps himself active. ^_^ Scott: I guess that explains a few things about Brock's behavior... > his deathbed wish was to give the > Pokemon to the older children in this > friendly. That was the 11 kid, Brock Zeek: 'The 11 kid'? Sounds like a stupid action movie. Scott: Following Brock's death, the Pokemon League would retire his number 11... > Bonte. Mr. Bronte likes his Pokemon, Jon: In a very special way. ^-^ Mark: GET HIM! NOW! (Cue severe beating.) Jon: This is going to leave a mark. ^-^;; > but he become a gym leader to support > his remanding family, which > includings his mother, Maya Bonte. Scott: Bonte. Maya Bonte. License to kill. > Brock is really into rock Pokemon. He (Jonatan starts giggling madly) > only had two now. Signed The D.. > Man. Mark: The D-Man? What the phrack? Zeek: D stands for dork. > Ash wonders who's the D. Man, Scott: Who's de man? Huh? Who's de man? > but the > thoughts of Rock Pokemon. He opens up Mark: Sometimes, an unfinished sentence. Scott: It is very irritating when something like this. Zeek: Every now and then, we. Jon: Thinker really should get. > the Pokedex and finds a CHART on the > Pokedex's menu. Ash finds out the water > makes rock look like a gray mudd. Ash Jon: Gosh... that Pokedex sounds a LOT like my FIRST GRADE TEXTBOOKS. > thinks Squirte is ready. And he walks > in and meets a Jr. Trainer. Ash makes > Jr. Trainer run to the Pokecenter Zeek: By setting fire to his pants. > and waltz up to face Brock. Scott: [Ash] ...Dance, tenderfoot. > With Squirte, > has trashes Brock's Pokemon. > Afterwords, Squirte evolves into > Wartoriste. All: ... Jon: Boy, that sure had all the suspense of Koopa's immortal line "The Knight Sabers defeat the boomers." > > Ash walks at night into the path > leading to Mt. Moon. Scott: [Ash] Ow! ############################################ Zeek: And then the pound symbols sneak up and beat the crap outta him... Mark: That's all? Good thing it was short. Scott: Yeah. Can we get out of here now? > > > > > > > > > > > Jon: The picture doesn't seem to be stopping. What gives? Mark: Don't tell me there's more. Zeek: I think there's more. Mark: (glares at Zeek) I said, don't tell me. Zeek: I'll say what I want, I'm the one with the sword. > The van crested the hill and rolled > down the gentle incline on the other > side. Mark: And continued rolling as they crashed through the fence and plummeted to their deaths! Game over! Scott: He said "gentle incline". Zeek: Getting started with a dark riff? Mark: (shrugs) Why not? > The driver stared impassively out > the window, squinting through the rain > at the light in the distance. Scott: Then the van hit a chestnut tree, and the driver remembered why it was a good idea to watch the road instead of looking out the window. Mark: And you called my riff dark? > He was > one of nature's drivers, Jon: And Nature's wondering where he disappeared to. She needed someone to drive her to her bridge party. Mark: [Nature] It's hard to find good help these days. > one with a > vigilance that comes not from cups of > coffee or a sense of duty, but from > simply not expending much energy on > other activities like talking or having > facial expressions. Zeek: Yeah, that's what happens when you get one of nature's drivers... > Sitting beside the > bishounehn driver was a more cheerful > purple haired teenage girl, who was > causing the driver problems with a very > large Jon: ...TWO very large... ^_^ > map, which she handled with all > the skill that can be realistically > maintained with with a four metre > square piece of paper. Mark: Little did the driver know that the purple-haired girl was a master of Anything-Goes Foldable Map Martial Arts. She had soon cut him into itty bitty little pieces. > "Ano, I knew we > should have taken a right turn at > Albuquerque." Said the navigator. Scott: You know you're in trouble when your navigator is Bugs Bunny. Mark: [Bugs Bunny] Nyaa, I told you so, Doc! > From > the back of the van a blonde blue eyed > girl looked up from a local guide book. Jon: Since when is the Kama Sutra a 'local guide book'? ^_^ Scott: Depends on just how 'local' you had in mind. > "I thought the concert was in Los > Angeles." Mark: They should rename the place. The last angel left town last month. > "Oh... So Los Alamos isn't a misprint > then..." The van continued along the road > for a few minutes, before a muscular > lad sitting opposite the blue eyed girl > spoke: Scott: [Muscular lad] I'm confused. Which character am I, again? > "Han, are you sure that map's the right > way up?" Mark: [Han] D'oh! > "Yes, what do you think I know nothing > about navigation?" Scott: Well, maybe so, but your punctuation could use some work. Jon: (eye twitch!) Grammar riffs? Scott: Yep. Are we having fun yet? Mark: No. > Another girl who > looked similar the navigator, except > for her hair, looked up. Zeek: So the car is filled with clones in wigs? Mark: I'm suddenly getting Spider-clone saga flashbacks. (shudders) > "Hanaki... Is that the right map?" > > "Er... Whoops." Everyone on the van > facefaulted in anger, Mark: While everyone in the theater just facefaulted. (All facefault.) Zeek: That hurt! Scott: I swear, she's Shemp in disguise... > except for the > driver who merely sighed. A cool > looking Scott: [Author] She's cool looking! Really! Take my word for it! > curvaceous young lass sitting > behind the driver's seat took on an > evil expression. Zeek: Curvaceous Young Lass vs. Evil Expression, round one. Fight! > "Matsuro. Stop the van." The driver > blinked and spoke, which was almost a > special occasion in itself. Scott: [Matsuro] Your eggplants are gyrating in the green Mercedes. > "We'll have to wait for a lay by." Zeek: Jon... You comment, you die. Jon: Who, me? Just the fact that you spotted one makes my day. ^_^ > A dark haired sensible girl, correction, Mark: She wasn't sensible at all. > young woman, looked over to the cool > one. Scott: All of the other characters, apparently, are not cool... > "Why? What are you up to Keiko?" Keiko > smiled evilly. (Everyone snickers) Scott: ...But some of them talk to themselves. > "Hanaki's the navigator... she can go out > and look for a local landmark." Mark: [Keiko] And while she's at it, she can get killed by the killer with a hook for a hand, too. Scott: [Hanaki] We just passed a sign reading "Nowhere"... so I figure another 50 miles or so, and we should be there. > Hanaki stuck out her tongue at Keiko Jon: [Keiko] No thanks, I prefer guys. > and turned her attention to the road, > something small, cute and furry Zeek: It's Pikachu! Get him! > dashed > across the road, seemingly about to > become another road kill statistic. Scott: Why did the kitten cross the road? Because somebody needed a plot device. > "GAH!" Cried Hanaki as she grabbed the > wheel and sent the van swerving off the > road. > > Had it been a different point on the > road or a slightly dryer day, this > would have resulted in explosive death > for all eight of the van's occupants. Scott: And we could have gone home early. (Everyone sighs) > Fortunately, Scott: For who? > the day had been > consistently wet and there actually was > a small ditch by the road, Zeek: So we can bury them all there. > so there was > no noise of metal scraping on tarmac > and the doom laden sound of a spreading > puddle of inflammable petrol just > before the really loud final noise. > Instead there was Jon: A sound that could only be described as a large number of people saying "Oop!" at the same time. > the squeak of balding tyres Scott: Some Rogaine could help those tyres. > against wet tarmac and a small > squelchy sort of noise Mark: That was the kitten, gentlemen. > as the van left the road, Zeek: It moved back to its parents. > tipped over onto it's side > and slid to a halt. The van lay there > for a moment, and completely failed to > explode spectacularly. > > "This is all your fault." Mark: And we have a special guest appearance by Yuri of the Dirty Pair. Jon: [Yuri] You were supposed to rig the explosives on that van! Now they're going to survive, all thanks to you! > The Do-Gooders World tour Mark: And the title gets the blame. Zeek: With the way it's standing there doing nothing, it's definitely up to something. > This part by Eslington. > Mark: You mean like the one in Monty Python? Jon: Just hope it's not the one in Harry and the Hendersons. > Original Do-Gooders concept by > Stefan Gagne, 1998 Scott: Oh, great, they've had one original concept in the whole fic, and that was two years ago. Jon: You write a part for it, and then we can talk about originality. Scott: I'm insane, not crazy. > Episode one of this Omake Series: Jon: Also known as "The Omake Series That Came To A Screeching Halt When People Lost Interest In It". Scott: Much like that van, then. > Lost and alone in California. Scott: Episode two: Wasting Away in Margaritaville. Mark: Episode three: The San Diego Menace > > > > > > > "No it isn't, if anything it's Becky's > fault." Zeek: Don't blame others... uh, whoever's speaking. > The occupants of the van immediately > began arguing, using techniques varying > from logical reasoning, through witty > insults and sarcasm, and at the other > end of the scale, Mark: Anti-personel land mines. Zeek: A good few inches of cold steel. Jon: Noogieing and pantsing. > the classic sticking > of the fingers in the ears and shouting > "I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALA!" The only > two that weren't arguing were the > bishounen driver, who was Scott: Dead. > trying > without success to push the door on the > new ceiling open and another Hanaki > clone, who had been gagged an bound > after one to many long winded attempt > at giving directions. Scott: Ooh. Bondage. Did this fic just get interesting? Jon: ... (stares at Scott) I'm speechless. Mark: That's kinda rare. > The clone shook > her head; Mark: And got a nine. > the crash had loosened the > gag sufficiently for her to speak, to > the dismay of all present. Zeek: Yeah, like she's going to turn them into stone from speaking or what? Jon: That's the least of their worries. ^_^ Mark: A foreshadowing by the #1 Do-Gooders fan, ladies and gentlemen! ^_^ > "Oh hello! I suppose you lot are > wondering what me and the crew are > doing in a ditch thousands of miles > from home arguing over who's to blame." Scott: Not really, no. Just promise to stay there? Zeek : Actually I'm interested...when someone gets gagged, thrown in the back and stuff..it usually means they are a wealth of information. It usually takes up half the fic if left unchecked. Mark: So, you're saying you actually want to sit through all that? Zeek: Well, yes... then we don't have to worry about something called plot developement. > Tejina sweatdropped, her new sister was > being crazy again. Jon: Don't knock it, Delight. Life's good on this side of the pool. > "Ayame, who are you talking to?" > > "Them." Mark: (O_O) She can see us? Zeek: Woah...if she can see us, maybe we can affect this fic. Jon: Quick, maybe we can ask for help! (The riffers start working on... something.) > "Who?" (The riffers raise placards. Mark's placard reads "Here we are!" with an arrow pointed downwards. Jonatan's reads "Help us, Do-Gooders, you're our only hope!" Scott's reads "Malloy 3:16 says Wai!" Zeek fires an arrow at the driver, which bounces off the screen. The driver doesn't even notice. *sigh*) > "Them, out there." Everyone present > facefaulted, bar Hanaki. Mark: I don't think this is working. It's probably all just a ruse by the Author to get the audience interested. Jon: I could have told you that from the start. (Everyone lowers their placards.) > "Han, who does she keep talking to?" > > "Them." > > "Who?" Everyone: US! > "Them, out there." Scott: Who's running a joke into the ground? Them. Who? Them, in there. Who? Them. Who? Them. Who? Them. (Continues to repeat "Who? Them." until Zeek thwacks him with the hilt of his blade.) > At this point, even > the driver was almost on the point of > sweatdropping. Ayame smiled and > continued talking to her unseen > friends. Zeek: Isn't it nice to know that the author cares? Mark: [Unseen friend] Just because we're unseen doesn't mean we don't have feelings, too, you know! > "Well anyway, it all started last week > when the spring term ended. Becky had > managed to get us some gigs..." > > Using her exposition powers, Ayame > reached into the very fabric of > reality, making the scene go all > shimmery. Scott: She proceeded to stitch the shimmering fabric of reality into the daring yet tasteful cocktail dress of recollection, accented by the jewelry of history and the heels of wishful thinking. Mark: (Turns to Scott) That was so surreal. > The shimmering lifted to > reveal the Naoko Family's Jon: ...illegal chicken smuggling ring. > basement. All > those present in the van were also Mark: Heavily sedated, preventing them from escaping. > present in the subterranean practice > room. > > "...so I posted a few MP3s of our songs > on the net a week ago and now we've got > all sorts of offers from people all > over the world!" Scott: "I'll give you five bucks to stop singing and go away." Mark: "Take away this MP3 now, or I shoot this bunny." Zeek: "Wanna see the bolt of a ballista up close?" Jon: "A million dollars for a one night st-..." (Everyone stares at Jon.) Jon: ...and-alone concert." (Notices the stares.) What? ^_^ > "You don't mean..." Tejina gasped. Zeek: "Yep, it got on napster." > "A world tour!" Everyone in the room > gasped, bar Matsuro. (Scott whistles a bit of the "Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer" theme.) > Tejina managed to > regain control of her vocal cords. > > "Becky... you... you... you..." Zeek: Someone give her a kick, she's stuck again. > "Genius? Star? Beauty?" Mark: o/ Who are the people in your neighborhood? In your neighborhood. In your neigh-bor-hoood. o/ > "Idiot! How am I going to explain this > sudden holiday to my parents?" Scott: "Dear Mom and Dad, I've run away to become an emu herder in Antananarivo." > "I thought of that, I asked some of my > contacts about that and they came up > with this nifty little list of > explanations." Tejina looked over the > list, her expression gradually souring. Jon: [Tejina] Must... eat... more... LEMONS! > > "Becky! Half these explanations are > totally loony!" Jon: [Becky] Hah! You called my last song script totally loony! Scott: [Tejina] That's because it was five hundred pages of "Giddyap!" Jon: [Becky] That... what wasn't it! That was another one! Scott: [Tejina] No it wasn't! You even ended with "That lazy, stupid horse"! > "But the other half are okay aren't > they?" Scott: No, the other half are only -almost- totally loony. > "I suppose... But what about every one > else's parents?" Becky grinned. Zeek: [Becky] Kill 'em all. Let God sort it out. Jon: [Becky, thinking] Uh-oh, haven't thought about that... > "I can fake some field trip letters, > What could po- Er... No problems." > > *** Scott: I think three stars is pretty generous, if this is any indication. Jon: Ah, the constellation "Group of Boring Stars". Such a wonder in the night sky. > > > > > > > Getting permission to leave the country > was actually quite easy for all > concerned. Scott: They just had to promise never to come back. Mark: (grumbles) Guess they never had to go through the actual process of getting US visas and such. Zeek: The first time, they tried digging underneath the fence of the country Evilania... they almost succeded too. > *** > > > > Jon: Boy, is this fic airy. > > > "Kireiko... Did you forge this letter?" > > "No" answered Kireiko, truthfully. > > "Hmm..." Kireiko's father's demon hunter > instincts nagged at him. Jon: [instinct] Take out the trash. Zeek: [instinct] Pick up your dirty laundry. Mark: [instinct] Always leave the toilet seat up. Scott: [instinct] Don't you do ANYTHING other than sit on the couch all day? > [You'll be unleashing a half-oni on the > world, think of the horrible events > that may happen!] Jon: Better yet, think of the movie rights! > The demon hunter > instincts then came into a head on > collision with the cost accountant > instincts. Mark: [Reporter] Unfortunately, there were no survivors in the fatal collision. > [If he's out of the country, you won't > have to feed him for two weeks.] Zeek: Starve your son, it's a fun game for the whole family! > [What if he runs out of odufa shirts?] Scott: He'll wear paisley instead. > [He can sew new odufa... onto shirts he's > bought with his own money.] Mark: Somehow, I can't exactly picture Kireiko sewing. Unless he's already henpecked by Hanaki... > [Think of the havoc he'll wreak on the > people of the earth!] Jon: Eh, screw them. Mark: Um, Jon? We're still on Earth. Jon: Oops. Zeek: You are, but I could just go home when I'm bored. > [Think of the havoc he won't wreak on > your neighbours... who know where you > live.] > > [At least think of the cost of > transporting a haf-oni...] > > "Who's paying for this?" Scott: The readers. Mark: Do we ever. > "Be- The school." > > [The choice... Is yours.] Mark: [public service broadcaster] Just say no! > "Ok Kireiko, its time you saw more of > the world... Besides, you'll probably fit > in better in the US than here." Jon: [Kireiko] Ano... I AM coming back later, you know. Scott: [dad] You are? Damnation! > "Thanks Dad, can I borrow some money?" > > "No." Mark: (smirks) Spoken like a true cost accountant. Scott: How would you know? Mark: I should know. I'm studying to be one. (The others look at him strangely.) Mark: What? Zeek: Quick, give me the accounting formula. Mark: (Sweatdrops) For what exactly? There are a lot of them, you know. ^_^ > * *** *** > *** *** *** * Mark: That was weird... Jon: It's an ASCII rendition of Keiko's greatest features, I believe. Scott: That's a really weird-looking ear, then. ^_- > > > Mark: Lots of wasted space in this fic. > > > > "Hmm... So you'll be travelling across > the world then..." Zeek: [Aki] No, just around the block. That's where the United States is. Really! > "Yes dad." > > Villyn scratched his chin, deep in > thought Jon: It was unfamiliar territory. He got lost easily. Scott: He was found and reunited with his minions two weeks later. > [Should I really let my > precious Aki-chan out into the big > dangerous world? At her age? But then > she is growing up so fast, any day now > she'll be double-crossing me for a > square jawed hero in my moment of > glory. Besides, there may be an > advantage...] Zeek: He must be an evil overlord. That's the rule: I will never have any Daughters. They will be beautiful as they are evil, but one look at the hero's rugged looks, and they'd betray their own father. I bet getting the daughter away is bout the same as not having one. (A loud siren cues up, fireworks start shooting in the background - and are quickly put out by the sprinkler system - and confetti starts raining down over Zeek.) Jon: Congratulations! We have a winner! Zeek: Oh, Yay. Do I get a prize? Jon: Sorry, the entire budget went to setting up the confetti and stuff. > "Aki, I have thought long and hard > about this... Mark: Suuuure... Scott: The smell of burnt cork filled the air... > and I have decided to let > you go, on one condition." Aki sighed; > the problem was about to arrive. Mark: [Problem] Oops, sorry I'm late. Heavy traffic. > "Which is?" Scott: [Villyn] I demand... a shrubbery! > "Bring back lots of photographs for > your dad." Aki blinked, her father was > being unusually sentimental. > > "That's it?" Mark: [Villyn] Yes. Zeek: [Aki] Really? Mark: [Villyn] Y-yes. Zeek: [Aki] Really really? Mark: [Villyn] Er, yes. Zeek: [Aki] REALLY really really? Mark: [Villyn] Alright, I confess! I need some armor deodorants, too! Go get me some from the US! Zeek: [Aki] Damn. > "Yes... With pictures of the military > placements of the world, I shall be > able to strike at the heart of the > world's armed forces! After the > obliteration of resistance, I SHALL > RULE THE WORLD! BWA-HAHAHAHAHA!" Mark: (turns to the others) How should we rate that Mad Maniacal Laughter? I give it a 6.5; nice buildup, but not enough HA's. Zeek: It bit. Come on, there's better things to laugh about, just going after heavily armored places which you prolly can't take anyway? 3.2. Jon: Good point, but Villyn lets loose Mad Maniacal Laughter over the breakfast cereal. I'd say it should be more drawn out and variated to get that special spine-chilling feeling. 6.8, maybe. Scott: Well, it may be weak on logic, but you've gotta admit, the man's got heart. 5.9. Mark: (computes scores) Well, he got an average of 5.6. Jon: So what exactly does that mean? Mark: (sits back) Hell if I know. > Aki > nodded, already planning what to say > about her pictures when she got back... Scott: [Aki] I forgot to take the lens cap off all 156,781 times. Mark: [Aki] I had them developed but the Quake Camper ate them. Zeek: [Aki] I got all these lovely pictures... but every one of the base camps got cut into ribbons by mad post card salesmen. > [As you can see, there are no naval > bases on this strip of beach here, so Zeek: Take your sunscreen and boogie boards. > you probably shouldn't bother attacking > there. And there are no missile silos > in this picture-esque mountain range...] Jon: There are, however, a large number of killer ninja sheep. > It would be nice to get out of the > house for a while, away from all these > maniacs. All: TOO LATE! > "But for your safety I want you to take > the Quake Camper and the Blank Psychic > with you." Jon: Minions... for the girl who cares about protection. > [Uh-oh] thought Aki [Time for some > quick thinking...] Jon: THINK QUICK! Scott, what's the capital of Iraq? Scott: Huh? Jon: You lose. > "But dad, Be- the school wont pay for > them." Mark: [Aki] They were damaged during transportation. > "Pah! The school shall not stand in my > way, I shall send my faithful minions > on my own money!" Zeek: Wouldn't it be better if you sent them on a plane instead? > "I think the school bought all the > seats for the flight to San Francisco." Scott: So passengers now have to sit on the floor. > "Then I shall send them on another > flight." Mark: Send them to Timbuktu. Please. So we don't have to see them. Jon: How dare you insult my characters! > [Oh no] thought Aki [This is going to > get difficult] Mark: Yeah, whatever you do, the next writer on the queue will do something to mess it up-- Jon: (Clamps hand over Mark's mouth) Ix-nay on the writer jokes, Mark. > "I think it's the only flight for the > next few weeks." Scott: Tokyo must have very lazy airlines. > Aki hoped that her > father would fall for it. He did, > however... Scott: ...He bounced. > "Well... This letter says you'll be > stopping in Los Angeles. They can meet > you there." > > Aki sighed and gave up. Zeek: She just couldn't beat Twisted Metal on this difficulty level. > At least the > Camper was reasonably sane, though how > he'd react to being on a fault line... Jon: It's all St. Andreas' Fault! Zeek: O_o Jon: Or that kind... > > > *** > > > > Mark: Look, the stars are out. Scott: And it's a cloud-free night. How beautiful. > > > "Mother?" > > "Yes Keiko?" Scott: [Keiko] Am I Dale? > "I'm going on a trip around the world > with some friends. I'll be back in two > weeks." > > "That's nice dear." Said Keiko's > mother. > > "I'll be going to far away and exotic > locations..." > > "Be sure to wrap up warm dear." Said Jon: I'd like a warm dear to wrap up, right now... Scott: (hands Jon a live deer) Close enough? Jon: Venison? But I ordered the turkey... > her Father, expending a lot more > attention on a newspaper ad. > > "Where thieves, thugs and murders lurk > around every corner, waiting to strike > at an innocent such as myself." Mark: Yeah. Right. You wear scanty leather outfits in public and you're innocent. Try to sell me insurance while you're at it. > "Be back by eleven then." > > Keiko gritted her teeth in anger, Scott: Grit those teeth! Others: Grrr! > ancient magics began to curl around her Jon: ^_^ Scott: Lay that off! Jon: I'm not doing anything. ^_^ Scott: Oh, I know what you're thinking. As soon as I turn my back you're going to say something about her nubile breasts, and... oops. Jon: Gotcha. ^_^ > hands in tendrils of power, and she > instinctively mumbled the spell of > hideous agony... Jon: Power Word, Wedgie. > she'd get them to pay > attention. Scott: Attention accepts cash, checks, and all major credit cards. > The energy reached a boiling > point of sorts and she started on the > last six words of the ancient spell. > > "Jonea... Kazes... Latai... Magi... Necromi... Scott: HEEEY Macarena! Mark: [Keiko] ... Bill Gates... Ikari Gendou... Oops, too much evil words. > Obliv-" > > Ding > > "Oh good, my burrito's done." Zeek: Next episode, Keiko's father has the worst case of diahrrea... or however you say that. Mark: Diarrhea, Zeek. Jon: (taps Mark) Riff the fic, not Zeek. Mark: Oh. (pause) Do you realize that rhymes? ^_^ Zeek: Only if you talk like Thinker. Mark: (thinks a bit, then sweatdrops) D'oh! You're right. My bad. > Said Keiko's father, getting up to go to the > microwave. > > Keiko uttered a curse that'd make > demons blush; the infernal machine had > broken her concentration. > > "Keiko, don't say things like that, > people'll complain." Jon: No, they complain when she starts wearing too much clothes. If the fanservice meter goes below 50, the fic explodes. > Keiko stormed out of the room. If they > were really worried about when she got > home, Jon: They're worried about when she's getting home? Something tells me the Yamanakis are going to do something naughty... > she'd just leave her Naga plushie > seated at the desk in her room and hope > they didn't notice. > > No, on second thoughts, hope would be > too much effort when it was a practical > certainty. Mark: (confused) ... Yeah, what she said! > *** > > > > > Zeek: Hollywood Boulevard is shorter than I remember it to be. > > Matsuro had been meaning to talk to his > mother about Zeek: Flowers and bees. Scott: [Matsuro] Mom, what's this stuff about flowers and bees? Jon: [mother] Well, you know what the Yamanakis do when they think you and Keiko aren't in the house? Flowers and bees do the same thing. > travelling the world, not > that he really needed her permission, > but he just wanted to make sure that > she wouldn't annoy him if he was doing > something important. Jon: Like teaching Keiko about flowers and bees. ^_^ Zeek: Jon, this won't hurt me a bit, you know... (rips out his seat and bludgeons Jonatan with it) > He hadn't had any visions on the way > home, Mark: And ended up stumbling around blindly through rush hour traffic. Jon: So that explains why he was bringing along a seeing-eye dog. > even as he entered the apartment > complex Scott: [Freud] Zo, tell me about this apartment complex you have. > his mother completely failed to > suddenly appear and tell him about > chicks and eggs. Jon: Ah... that's the second lesson. > He looked around the > foyer. No singing oxen or weird pixies, > he would have been grateful, Mark: Grateful Dead? > but now > was not the time for absence. He sighed > and pressed the lift call button. Zeek: A stranger promptly walked in and called him 'Lift'. > The lift doors opened, thick red blood > flooded out, engulfing Matsuro in the > warm liquid. Jon: I see they still haven't gotten that thing to travel slow enough. > [Ah good] thought Matsuro as he stepped > in. The elevator started moving of it's > own accord, stopping at floor 13 to let > in his mother, who was dragging a > crucifix. Matsuro nodded at her as he > pressed the button for floor 19. His > mother began to speak, while crying > tears of blue blood. Scott: Delusions of royalty. Tsk. > "Matsuro... you must go to California." > > "Hi mother, I know, I must find and we- > what?" All: SHE SAID, 'YOU MUST GO TO CALIFORNIA!' > "Well obviously you must, that's where > your first concert is isn't it?" Mark: Well, he COULD stay home and binge on Hamdingers instead. > Matsuro would have facefaulted, but he > was too cool to do so. Scott: He was so cool you could store a side of beef in him for a month. > "Uh... What happened to going to Tokyo?" Jon: You ARE in Tokyo, dimwit. > "Well, travelling the world is a big > event in your life, as it were, another > turning point." > > [A fork stuck in the road.] thought (Jonatan takes the fork and casually picks his teeth with it.) Zeek: The fork stuck in the road thought, "Man, Jon needs listerine." > Matsuro, a thought he dismissed as his > mother continued. Scott: [Matsuro, with a bad British accent] You're dismissed, thought. Now go away. > "Time's taken you by the wrist, it's > directing you where to go." Jon: Those superspatial dimension representations are more bossy than you'd first expect. > [Oh no... This better not be another part > of my destiny.] > > "So, Matsuro, just make the best of > this test." Jon: Matsuro, please wear a traffic cone on your head. Mark: [Matsuro's mom] And if you don't get at least a B- ... I don't know what I'll do with you. > "Why?" Jon: Because I asked you to. Now do it. Or do I have to ask John Evans to turn you into a girl? > "You shouldn't ask that, it's not a > question, but a lesson learnt in time." Scott: Turning people into girls is a lesson learnt in time? Jon: Apparently. I wonder which school teaches it? > > Matsuro sighed. [Why must destiny be so > unpredictable?] Zeek: More fun that way. > "In the end, you'll see it's right. > Anyway... I hope you have a nice time." Mark: [mother] ...in hell! BWAHAHA! Scott: You know, I didn't even like that as a song. It's much worse as fic dialogue. > His mother faded as the lift door > opened. Matsuro stepped out and walked > down the corridor to apartment > ninety-nine. At least his mother had Jon: Really, really huge... (Zeek reaches for his sword.) Scott: ...tracts of land. Jon: Yup. Zeek: (sighs, sheathes his sword, and smacks Jon with the chair again) Hmm... *sigh* He's not dead yet... he's getting better. > gone. [Good riddance] he thought as he > opened the door to his tiny apartment > and stepped into the Vallhallic hall. Zeek: And he garbed himself with the steel armor, and the hammer of Mjolnir... > "What ho!" shouted Balin from the > table, where he was getting drunk with > Dalin. > > "Hi Balin. I'll be leaving the country > for a couple of weeks." Mark: [Matsuro] The police have found out about my yak smuggling ring. > Dalin lifted > his head from the table. Scott: [Dalin] Alas, poor Balin. I knew him, Matsuro. > "Really? Then you won't need the > apartment for a while will you?" > > "No... why do you ask?" Asked Matsuro > suspiciously. Mark: [Dalin, innocent] Oh... nothing. Just planning to sell it for a few magic beans. Scott: [Matsuro] What did you say?! Mark: [Dalin] Oops, hadn't thought that. > "Well we were counting on having a big > p-" began Dalin before Balin clamped > his hand over the dwarf's mouth. > > "Shh! You'll blow it... He said uh... we > wanted a big p... p... piece of that > chocolate cake that's in the fridge." > Balin smiled widely as Matsuro's > expression darkened. Zeek: Someone's tampering with the light. > "You were going to say party weren't > you?" Balin sighed. Mark: And Balin blows the deal just after he told Dalin not to? Zeek: Don't ask me. I got confused over which one's Dalin and Balin. > "Well yes... but it was only going to be > a small one..." Jon: [nurse] I have a tiny, tiny sponge. (pause) Mark: What the... Zeek: What was that supposed to mean? Jon: Nothing. ^_^ Zeek: Right... > "Didn't Dalin say big?" Dalin smiled. > > "Yeah! And I've got this really cool > lass coming." Dalin brought a > photograph out of his wallet and > offered it to Matsuro. Mark: [Dalin] Five hundred dollars and it's yours. No credit cards. I accept installment payments. > "Good looking eh? She's got beautiful > hair hasn't she?" Matsuro took a look > at the treasured Polaroid. > > "Er, yes..." agreed Matsuro handing the > picture back. > > "Best groomed beard in all of > Scandinavia." Sighed Dalin. Balin > looked imploringly at Matsuro. (Scott looks inquisitively at Jonatan.) Scott: Say... aren't you from Scandinavia? Jon: Hey, the girls in my town are cute. Farther north, though... > "Oh go on... Tell you what. We'll install > a swimming pool in this place for you > if we can have the party here." Matsuro > looked sceptically at him. Mark: [Matsuro] No WAY is that not butter! > "How are you going to fit a swimming > pool in here?" Zeek: Well you take a sledgehammer, and some duct tape... > "This hall used to be a sixteen metre > square apartment, and you ask me how > we're going to fit a swimming pool in > here? Leave it up to us and we'll have > the place fixed up in time for the > water volley ball match on the third > day of the party." > > Matsuro caught himself trying to > imagine a dwarvern game of water > volleyball and stopped himself. On one > hand, he would have loads of dwarves Jon: That's good if you're into that stuff. Zeek: I heard some people say they taste like chicken. > having a party in his home... on the > other, he'd get a swimming pool... On a > much more significant hand, Scott: His VERY significant hand, which he only used for the very most fine tasks. > if he > didn't give his permission, the dwarves > would probably just have one anyway. > > "I guess it would be ok..." Balin's small > body only made the grin look bigger. Scott: Oh no! The grin is taking over! It's... it's EATING HIS FACE! AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! Mark: (blinks) Okay, no more caffeine for you. > "Great!" Balin dashed over to phone, > and dialled a sixteen-figure number, > presumably to another country. Mark: [Matsuro] Damn it, Balin! My phone bill's not paid yet! Think of the long- distance charges! > "Hello? ... Bjorn? ... Yeah, turns out the > party's on after all, bring literally > everyone... Yeah, your right, we really > shouldn't invite that twit Rolf... Mark: [Balin] He doesn't smell funny. > Uh-huh, that reminds me, bring over > your tools, Scott: He is a wedge, that simplest of tools. Jon: I thought everyone would bring their own tool. ^_^ Zeek: No they'd bring their own beer. > were building a swimming > pool... For the water volley ball match > of course... Ok, and could you see about > bringing some plastic sheeting as > well? ... Because the apartment's not mine > and the owner won't take to kindly to > having blood on the carpet, or the > walls, or the ceiling for that matter... Jon: [Matsuro] Unless you're my mom. Mark: [Matsuro] But then again, she cleans up her own messes. > Ok, and remember, it's a Bring Yer Own > Barrel situation... See ye on Saturday > then." As Balin put down the phone, > Matsuro fixed him with a threatening > stare. > > "Where were you calling to?" He asked, > his eyes alight with anger. > > "Scandinavia, why? Mark: [Matsuro] My phone doesn't have long-distance dialling. Zeek: [Balin] It does now. Mark: [Matsuro] I... see. > "You're paying for the call." Scott: [Balin] Do they take Valhalla Express? > And for the first time since he had met > Keiko, Balin experienced a moment of > extreme terror. > > > *** > > > > > > Zeek: Someone light that fuse... > The Nakao parents were known to have a > mildly unco-operative attitude to > having any of their children going off > on holidays across the world, so Scott: They straightjacketed the children and locked them in the basement. > Becky's school trip idea would > inevitably fail. Fortunately the three > sisters were intelligent enough to plan > a method to gain the agreement of their > parents. Mark: Blackmail. Zeek: Murder. Jon: Wedgies. > Mr & Mrs Nakao were watching the eight > o'clock news in the living room when > Hanaki walked in and turned off the > television. Standing in front of the > screen, she faced her adoptive parents > and began to speak. Jon: [Hanaki] o/~ We are family... o/~ > "Mother, Father. Me and my sisters have > been asked to go on a world tour for > the next two weeks to further promote Mark: The legislation of hard drugs. > our band, and we felt we should tell > you about it." Zeek: [Hanaki] Just so you, you know, don't go crazy and stuff. > Mrs Nakao was about to scream out a > sentence to the effect of "YOU'RE > WHAT?!!!" Scott: [Hanako] That's right. We're all lesbians. > before Hanaki started > speaking again. Jon: [Hanaki] God bless the almighty Malahelicon, may her divine wisdom lead us all through misery and praise be her might... THE WOLVES ARE EATING OUR SOOOOULS, IN THE DARKNESS WHERE WE DIEEEEE... Mark: Never do that again. Jon: Okay. > "Before you forbid us to leave, I > merely ask you to listen calmly to this > argument formulated by Ayame." Jon: [Ayame] If we don't go, you'll be living with three surly teenage girls for the next two weeks. Zeek: [Hanaki] Look, ma! I've been perusing that thesaurus you graciously awarded me. > Ayame and Tejina entered from opposite > sides of the room, assuming positions > on either side of Hanaki, Mark: Ah. The Interpretive Dance method of debate. > who then > walked around to the back of the couch, Zeek: And set fire to it. > behind the Nakaos. Tejina began to > speak in a dramatic tone. Scott: [Tejina] Is this a dagger I see before me? Mark: We should be so lucky. > "To save humanity from elimination!" > > "To visit at least one other nation!" > Said Ayame, before Tej said. Mark: So who said what first? Scott: (turns to Zeek) Who's on first? Zeek: Yup, what's on second and I don't know is on third. Jon: Who's on second? Zeek: No, he's on first. What's on second. Mark: (facepalms) We are so going to be sued. > "To sing our songs of love!" Zeek: Oops, they lost the meter. Jon: But the author prefers yards, so it's okay. > "To get them into the charts above!" > > "Tejina!" > > "Ayame!" > > "The Do-gooder must leave Japan on our > mission of delight!" > > "So let us go..." > > "You know it's right!" Jon: o/~ Caaan you smeeeeell... the CHEESE tonight? o/~ Mark: I always said watching too much Pokemon was bad for the brain. Zeek: I'm going to kill Thinker and his Pokemon influence. Scott: [Fumie] Very good, Tejina. You can go on to the next stage now. > The Nakaos sat in stunned silence Scott: With the aid of some tranqs and a couple of gags. > before Hanaki leaned over the shoulders > of her legal guardians to speak > directly into their ears. Scott: [Hanaki] You are already dead. > "Now either you let us leave the > country for two weeks, or Ayame will > use her more persuasive argument, which > lasts a full three hours and forty > seven minutes." Jon: And involves-- Mark: Don't even think of going there. Please. Zeek: Thank you for shutting him up, Mark. Jon: Who's shutting who up? (continues) --lots of chocolate cream. > Needless to say, resistance was > minimal. Jon: They were assimilated. > *** > > > > > > Scott: Whitespace... the final frontier. > By 1 PM, Saturday, the Do-gooders (and > Aki and Keiko) were on an aeroplane, Mark: Along with lots of other people nobody cares about. Scott: o/~ They're leaving on a jet plane... o/~ All: o/~ Hope they don't come back again... o/~ Zeek: How did we all know those lyrics all of the sudden? Jon: Shh! You're not supposed to say that! Just smile and nod. > heading at Mach 0.75 Mark: [Picard] Engage! Jon: The Mach 0.75: Speed Racer's kiddie car. > towards San > Francisco. Villyn's minions had already > left for Los Angeles (after a six hour Jon: ...Sailor Moon marathon. > delay as Security searched the Camper's > pack for whatever kept setting off the > metal detector, which eventually turned > out to be a frying pan.) Zeek: [Blank Psychic] I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH MALLETS! > and the going > looked good. Jon: When the going gets good, the tough gets... hmm. What do they get, anyway? Mark: Ice cream, maybe? > Keiko leaned to take a > look out the window as the city passed > under them. Zeek: But there wasn't any glass so she ended up plummeting to her death. Jon: Splatterbombing is always fun. ^_^ > "Hey Matsuro! I can see you apartment > from up here!" > > "How can you tell it's mine?" Zeek: The explosions with the pool being put in. > "What other apartment complex has a > vallhallic hall sticking out the > nineteenth floor?" Scott: [Matsuro] Oh, That's the Hotel Nordic across my block. > Matsuro scrambled across Keiko's lap to > look out the window. He couldn't see > his building anymore. Mark: I suppose the dwarfs got a bit too enthusiastic. > "Aw... you just missed it." Keiko > grinned as Matsuro realised he was > sitting on her lap. Mark: [Matsuro] Auntie Keiko, can you tell me a story? > She concentrated > and one of her image enhancing spells > increased in power. Jon: But then, she ended up looking like Lara Croft. (pause) Eww. > She looked into his > eyes and, in the orchestra of his mind, Jon: ...the drummer played far too loud, one of the trumpets kept dozing off, half the flute section discovered that they had forgotten their scores, and the bass saxophonist had dyed his hair hot pink AGAIN. A wonder they ever managed to perform. > Matsuro's string section began that > neat little bit of music that always > plays at moments of romantic > realisation. Scott: Ride of the Valkyries. Matsuro had a very strange mind. > He leaned over to kiss her > on the lips... Mark: (glares at Jon) No. Jon: What? I didn't say anything... Zeek: You don't need to; we can hear you thinking from over there. Jon: (eyetwitch) Hear?! (freaks out) YOU'RE ALL IN MY HEAD! SINNER! SINNER! I'LL KILL YOU ALL AND EAT YOUR BRAINS! (rips out his seat and pummels a stunned Zeek into a fine smear, then very quietly sits down again on his broken seat.) Mark, Scott: ... > "Excuse me, but the "Seatbelt" light is > still on, please return to your seat." > Said the stewardess. Keiko pointed a > finger at her, setting her hair alight. Scott: Now -that's- giving her the finger. Jon: ... > The stewardess dashed off into the > cockpit, possibly in search of an > extinguisher for her hair. > > "Now..." said Keiko "Where were we?" Zeek: Two miles in the air, heading for San Francisco. Next question? Jon: ... > Matsuro's string section began again... Scott: But it was starting to come unwound. Mark: Matsuro collects old string, too? How cheap. Jon: ... Scott: (whispering to Mark) Is he usually like this? Mark: (whispering to Scott) No, he never acts like that. > But in the cockpit, the stewardess had > put out her hair and had made a deal > with the pilot. She watched the > bishounen and leather clad lovers, Jon: And from our fall line, this lovely vest, made from 100% natural bishounen... Scott: You okay now? Jon: Walls impede my progress. Scott: I take that as a 'yes'. Jon: (psycho stare) You wear your mask well, sinner. But there WILL be a reckoning. And the walls of Jericho didst fall, ooh yes... Scott: ...I'm not sure how I'm going to take this. > waiting for the right moment to strike. > > > "Wait for it... wait for it... NOW!" > > The plane lurched violently; Matsuro > lurched Scott: [Matsuro] You rang? > from Keiko's lap and flew > across the aisle, knocked his head on > the overhead luggage compartment and > fell, unconscious, into Kireiko's lap. Scott: Thus filling the Implied Yaoi quota for the chapter. Jon: [stewardess] Ha ha, I'm abusing my position and power to torment and injure overly romantic passengers! I'm a god! I'M A GOD!!! > The intercom buzzed. Mark: Someone swatted it. Zeek: Then-- Jon: Shh. Zeek: Wh-- Jon: SHH! Zeek: Hey-- Jon: SILENCE, FLESHLING! Inflict not your gibbering on one who watches and waits. (head turns 360 degrees) Digimon, Digital Monsters... Zeek: (To mark) May I kill him yet? > "We apologise for that, we seem to be > experiencing some turbulence, if the > gentleman in the school uniform would > care to return to his seat, we may > continue with a little less..." Zeek: [Stewardess]... passengers. Anyone want to volunteer to get out now? > Kireiko lifted up the unconscious body > of the prone drummer and dropped it Jon: In the luggage compartment. Scott: That was almost sane... Jon: Suck my duck, shepherd. Zeek:... > down into his seat. Keiko sighed as she > buckled Matsuro up. [He's cute when > he's unconscious.] She thought. Scott: [Keiko] Mental note: Beat Matsuro unconscious more often. > Keiko called over one of the friendlier > stewards and ordered a cup of coffee. Jon: Do they wear little "I'm friendly - I'm not!" nametags or something? > > > *** > > > > > > Mark: In Whitespace, no one can hear the readers scream. > About two hours later, the plane landed Scott: Makes you wonder if it would have tried to do something else. > and the jet lagged band members stepped > off the plane and onto the tarmac of > one of San Francisco's many airports. Scott: Airports are like corner stores, in California. Jon: With the difference that cornerstores doesn't sell overpriced "Welcome to California" postcards that look like they were made by a six-year old with a polaroid and dissolves in bright sunlight. > As the Do-Gooders (and associates) > stepped off the plane one of the > Do-Gooders noticed one of the > associates Mark: ...lose one of the readers to one of the longer sentences of one of the fics that... (Mark dozes off, snoring. Zeek prods him with the scabbard of his sword. Mark wakes up with a start.) Wha-what? Zeek: We suffer, you suffer. Jon: wE ShALl ALl suFfER EtERNallY... Zeek: If I whack him a good one... Jon: (whips his head around to glare madly at Zeek) Sinner. Zeek: Sinner? At least I'm not chaos corrupted. >grinning even more evilly > than she normally did. > "Keiko..." Began Hanaki. "If I ask you > why you're grinning evilly will I be > forced to stop you on moral grounds." Jon: No, but your punctuation will be ravaged as punishment. > Keiko's grin went up the evil scale a > little bit more. Zeek: From sinister to diabolic. Currently a 6.7 on the evil scale. > "Well let's just say... I gave that > impolite stewardess a bit of a curse!" Scott: The Mummy's Curse! Jon: [mummy] I must come and visit you more often, dear. > "Oh no... It won't kill her will it?" Han > covered her ears as Keiko began her > laugh. > > "OOOH-HOHOHOHO!!!!! No, but the irate > bitch shall learn not to injure the > boyfriend of KEIKO! THE... THE... ER... Mark: GET ON WITH IT! > THE SORCERESS!" Mark: They're running out of superhero names pretty fast, aren't they? Jon: It's a bit prestigious for someone who can't even cast a scrying spell without smothering herself in avocados. > Han sweatdropped as the > group picked up their luggage. > > > *** > > > > > > > Jon: This space for rent. Scott: Well, they have to finance the trip somehow... > The theft of the stewardess' car engine Zeek: I blame the MMK. He's the only person crazy enough to steal an actual engine. MMK: (^_^ing) Well, at least it wasn't... waffles. Zeek: (barely restrained by the others) DAMNIT, MMK! I DIDN'T STEAL THE DAMN WAFFLES! MMK: Sure, wafflestealer. (Zeek growls.) Jon: So what brings you here? MMK: Oh, I just felt like a brief cameo. See ya. (leaves) > later that day, and the subsequent rain > shower that dogged her return home had > more to do with poetic justice then > Keiko's curse. However, Keiko's magic Jon: Tastes like chocolate! > did cause the stewardess's winning > lottery ticket to spontaneously > combust, right before her eyes as she > watched the draw that Saturday. This > only goes to show that you shouldn't > mess with the affairs of sorceresses, > for they are subtle and will burn your > lottery tickets. Zeek: This message brought to you by the Sorceresses for the Extinguishment of Lottery Foundation. > > *** Mark: Oh, look, it's Orion's belt. Jon: Been there, done that. Mark: Got the t-shirt? Jon: No. You? > > > > > > > > One thing the band unanimously agreed > on was Scott: That Elvis was alive and well and living in Ouagadougou. > the fact that without a funky > road rippin' babe magnet style set of > wheels, they weren't going anywhere. > Well, the funky road rippin' babe > magnet style part wasn't unanimous but > the bit about the set of wheels was. So > this was why the Do-Gooders were > assembled in Honest Jack's Second hand > automobile emporium. Jon: I see. Jack must be a descendant of Victor von Frankenstein and put the Do- Gooders through a weed whacker before this paragraph... > Jack grinned in glee, any day now the > liquidators would be arriving and he > really needed some money to take so he > could run with it. He stepped up to the > blue haired girl that seemed to be > leading the group. Mark: The one with "LEADER" written in English on her t-shirt in big letters. Jon: Actually, she had a little image of a hand hovering over her head. > "Good morning young lady, how can I > supply your transit needs?" To which > Tejina replied: Zeek: What is this transit and what does it have to do with lady needs? > "[What did you say? Do you speak > Japanese?]" Jack stared blankly at her. > > > "Do any of you kids speak English?" > Becky nodded. Jon: Hey, Becky! You're the same age as them! No need to act so superior. > "Yes, but we'd prefer it if we dealt > with someone who spoke Japanese." Scott: [Becky] Because otherwise, we can't use our plot device. Mark: [Becky] And our author wouldn't be confused on whether to use brackets for Japanese or English. Jon: [Becky] And of course it's completely fair to demand that born and raised Americans speak our language when we go abroad. > Ayame pushed her way to the front of > the group and posed dramatically. Mark: [Ayame] In the name of the moon, I will punish you! (Slaps self) What in Hades came over me to say that? Jon: Fanservice needs. If the fanservice meter goes below fifty, this fic's gonna BLOW! Zeek: It already does. Jon: (pause) You've got a point there. > "Ah! Truly we are in a state that > requires my skill with words! Fear not > fellow Do-Gooders, for I shall aid you > with my abilities!" Tejina sighed. Scott: That is EXACTLY what they fear, actually. > "Does anyone else have a feeling of > impending doom?" Scott: I've had that feeling since the beginning of the chapter. Jon: (ominous) I am become fanfic, destroyer of readers! > "My fellow friends, I shall improve our > situation by breaking down the walls of Jon: Jericho! Hey, she could do that. > incomprehension and cultural > differences by bestowing upon you all Scott: This new VCR! All: Oooh! Aaah! > the gift of mild telepathic linguistic Jon: Indigestion. > communication, to aid our acquirement > of vehicular transportation or the > odyssey that awaits us, Mark: But not both. To get both, you have to pay a fee of $ 39.99. > in this great > world of ours!" Zeek: Anyone brought a dictionary? Mark: Apparently, Ayame did. > A strange feeling tingled through the > brains of all the Do-Gooders and > associates. Aki turned to Hanaki. Jon: [Aki] So this is what thinking feels like. > "How does your moth- er sis- er... Ayame > cope with such long sentences?" Hanaki > shrugged. Scott: [Hanaki] She doesn't. She faints a lot. > "Circular breathing?" Jack looked back > at Tejina, having been distracted by > the display of vocal talent. Jon: Particularly at what it did to her-- (Zeek whacks Jon with a chair again. It breaks into little bits. Zeek sighs and picks up one of the legs, and sits in a different chair.) > "Er, I don't suppose you understand > me?" > > "Well yes. Mark: [Tejina] We were just kidding before. > We ne-" Tejina stopped, she > had actually understood that last > question, even though she had heard it > as English. She looked at Ayame, who > winked at her and smiled, a twinkle of > light glinting on her teeth. Jon: [Ayame] I'll see you at midnight, sis. Be sure to bring... the box. (Zeek attempts the chair again, but stops when Jonatan grabs his nose.) Jon: Don't even think about it, Junky Boy. (Zeek swats Jonatan's hand away, and backhands him back a row.) Zeek: I didn't think on it, it was instinct. (sits down) > "So, you can understand me now?" > > "Yes, shall I show you around?" Scott: [Tejina] No. Show us a car. > Everyone looked at each other, made a > collective shrug and followed Jack into > the showroom. > > There was a basic selection of about a > dozen cars before they came to the > second last one, which was where > Kireiko fell in love. > > "My god!" He gasped. "It's perfect!" Jon: [Jack] Thanks, I work out. > The car was a red '68 Chevrolet, the > paintwork glinted like it was only > yesterday that Scott: ...Jack walked around dabbing fresh paint on the worst rust spots. > it rolled off the > production line. Kireiko caressed the > bodywork, grinning like an idiot. Scott: Not that that required much of a stretch for Kireiko. (Zeek suddenly swings the chair above Jon's head, causing him to duck) Jon: WHAT WAS THAT FOR? Zeek: Deterrant. Jon: (grabs Zeek and tosses him into the screen) That's deterrant, sinner. (Zeek grumbles, and teleports back to his seat) Zeek: Scott, what religion is this boy anyway? (holds his head, and takes some asprin) > "She's beautiful..." he sighed, stepping > back. Becky facefaulted. > > "You're talking as though it was a girl > Kireiko. Mark: [Home TV shopping host] Get your own girl Kireiko doll! Now with exra tentacles and a leather fuku. Only 29999 yen! Scott: (peers at Mark) Apparently, hentainess is contagious. Who knew? Jon: I've always wanted to inspire others to greatness. >You're nuts!" Hanaki looked > over at the car. Zeek: (shakes his head and sighs) I thought they wouldn't give any more fire for the sickos... Mark: Yeah, right.. Zeek: I know... wishful thinking. > "Actually, I think car's a feminine > noun... like "la automobile" in French..." > Aki stared at the Chevvy, noticing > something amiss. Scott: Chevvy. From the makers of such fine products as Rollex watches, IBMM computers, and New Coke. > "Well, Mister Jack, could you explain Zeek: Where your lap goes when you stand up? Scott: Why Beanie Babies are so popular? Jon: What REALLY happened in "End of Evangelion"? Mark: How babies are made? Jon: Wasn't that my line? > why her tape deck has suddenly begun > playing old rock music for no good > reason?" > > "It's a feature. Zeek: Thank god it doesn't come standard. > Er... you've set the > preliminary alarm off. If you actually > try to drive off with it then it'll > start playing Hanson." Everyone > shuddered (The riffers shudder likewise.) Mark: What kind of devil-made system is that?! Zeek: Could be worse. (Everyone blinks.) Mark: HOW IN THE...?!? Zeek: Add Spice Girls. >at the thought, except > Kireiko, who was too busy running Jon: ...for... > his Jon: ...life. (The others applaud.) Jon: Thank you, thank you. > fingers over the personalised licence > plate at the back. > > "Caroline... Such a beautiful name for Scott: A shrimp-canning industry in Florida. > this glorious machine." Hanaki > facefaulted, for a soon to be explained > reason. Mark: When? Scott: You really want to know? Mark: Not really, just thought to bring the matter up. > "Jack, why did the engine rev when > Kireiko stroked the bumper just then?" Jon: He's doing naughty stuff with a car? (under his breath) Gotta get myself a car like that... > "Er... It's like a... It's sort of like an > auto start for the car." > > "You're lying aren't you? This car's > possessed or something isn't it?" Mark: [Jack] Actually, it was re-possessed. Zeek: [Jack] Lets see...you used a HOLY!!! battery, didn't you? > Jack sighed. > > "Well yes, but look! If you scratch the > paintwork like this..." Said Jack, > demonstrating with his car keys on the > unmarked chrome. Jon: Wow, it smells just like strawberries! > "And look! It heals > up! Just like- GLURK!" Scott: Heals up just like glurk? Never heard of it. Mark: No, see, it's GLURK! Scott: How do you pronounce capital letters, anyway? Mark: Practice. > "You bastard!" Shouted Kireiko, jumping > up and down on Jack's ribs. Mark: Jack's ribs: Better than your average trampoline. >"How dare > you harm such a fragile creature." > Tejina pulled the enraged half-oni off > the bruised car dealer. Scott: I'm sure that does a lot for Jack's ego... > "Stop doing that! It'll really cripple > our world tour if our guitarist is > arrested before our first concert." Zeek: Hey, don't knock it! There ain't no such thing as bad publicity! > Keiko prodded the injured tradesman > with her foot. (Jon pokes Jack on the screen with a stick.) Mark: Stop that! > "Er, are you ok?" Scott: [Jack] Better than okay. I'm a masochist! > Jack pulled himself > up, despite his injuries, Jon: Not to mention despite the laws of physics... > as you can > recover from virtually anything short > of total evisceration when you're a > named manga character... with the > possible exception of dark generals. Scott: Yeah, I had a bad case of dark generals a few years ago... those buggers just won't go away. > "Uh... Sure... Now my good man, are you Jon: ...Dale? > interested in buying this fine > machine?" Hanaki ran her hand over the > bonnet, a mildly suspicious expression > on her face. Scott: [Hanaki] It must be butter. > "If this machine is so fine... The why > did anyone sell it?" Jack shrugged. Mark: Is he trying to make the sale or what? Scott: Worst used car salesman I ever saw. > "I dunno, I just found it at a scrap > yard a few years ago. So anyway, are > you going to buy it?" Zeek: [Matsuro] No. Mark: [Aki] No. Scott: [Becky] No. Jon: [Tejina] No. > "Yes." Answered Kireiko Jon: [Tejina] Kireiko, you traitorous swine! >, looking up and > looking very serious. Mark: [Kireiko] I was the second gunman, on the grassy knoll. > "Then it'll be two thousand dollars, > thank you very much." Tejina sighed. > > "I'm sorry Kireiko, we only have one > thousand." Kireiko sighed. Scott: [Tejina] ...Yen. Which makes, oh, nine dollars at the current exchange rate. > "Ah well, I suppose it was too good to > be true..." He leaned down and kissed the > red chrome. Jon: And promptly got paint over his lips. Turned out it wasn't crome. > "I shall make it my aim in > life, to one day return and reclaim > this car, this is my promise and I > shall fulfil it before I die." > > Everyone sweatdropped. > > "He's really hung up on that car isn't > he?" Rhetoricalised Aki, Mark: (Points to Rhetoricalised) Is that even a word? Jon: Well, it is now! > she then > looked at Ayame "Is this a side affect > of your abilities?" Jon: [Ayame] No, it's a side effect of the airplane food. > "Most definitely not my dear friend Aki > Villyn!" Answered Ayame, using nineteen > times more letters then was strictly > necessary for a standard negative > response, Mark: And got a summons from the Letter Abuse Police for it. > though the situation is > probably different in Japanese, but the > situation being as it was, that is, > Ayame, Tejina, Hanaki, Matsuro, > Kireiko, Becky, Aki and Keiko Jon: ...in a pear tree! > are all > talking in such a way that Fanfic > readers can understand them and so are > speaking in the almost universally > recognised universal language of Scott: Pig Latin. > English and this would be correct if > this is ever dubbed or subtitled, that > is, if this ever becomes an anime, > which is not impossible considering the > amazingly large variety of animation > programs available... (Sounds of snoring. Other riffers turn to see Mark sleeping. Zeek nudges him with his sword again.) Mark: Wha-what? Zeek: Quit sleeping on us! Mark: Tell the author to quit expositing so much first. (Yawns) He sounds like my Trigonometry teacher. Zeek: I know...(puts down the book he had in his other hand and gets back to watching) Scott: Maybe he was getting paid by the word. Mark: You really think that somebody would pay for this? Scott: Point. Jon: [returns with four tubs of popcorn] Did I miss anything? > Uh, anyway, the next vehicle available > was a large green van, with colourful > flowers pained on the side. Scott: Shaggy needed money to support his scooby-snack habit. > Tejina > opened the back of the van. Mark: And found the entire cast of Scooby Doo bound and gagged inside. Jon: [Jack, sweatdropping] Hehehe, now how did they get there? > "Hmm... quite spacious... though I don't > like the flowers on the side." Jon: When you travel down the path of life, you'll have to stop and smell the flowers on the side. Scott: I really don't think those flowers smell much, though. > "Never mind, we can just tie a banner > on the side or something." Reasoned > Hanaki. Kireiko shook his head. > > "Nah, you can't polish a turd like > this." Tejina tuned to Jack. Zeek: Why would you wanna polish turds anyway? Jon: Some people have the strangest fetishes. > "Where did you get this then?" > > "Oh I bought it off some passing > weirdo, I think he said his name was... > scruffy or something, Mark: (turns to Scott) Well, whaddaya know? It really was supposed to be the Mystery Machine. Scott: (facepalms) Classics aren't held sacred anymore. >I cant really > remember... Anyway it's a mere five > hundred dollars for this reliable old > thingy and I'll throw in a free gallon > of gas." Scott: Which, given today's prices, may well be more than the van is worth. > Keiko leaned out the front > window of the ageing vehicle. > "We'll give you one hundred." Jon: [Keiko] One hundred stuffed herrings, of course. Real collector's items, those things. > Had Jack > been drinking something when Keiko said > that he would have sat it out in > surprise, Mark: How do you sit something out in surprise, anyway? > he wasn't so he resorted to > having a facefault that could level a > small town. Scott: Amity City, California, was later wiped out in a freak earthquake. Mark: But then again, people always blamed San Andreas. > "WHAT?!!!!! At five hundred I'm > practically slashing my own wrists as > it is!" Keiko grinned. Mark: So do it! One less annoying character... Zeek: Geez...he's a Dibbler. Scott: A Pratchett running gag? Zeek: Has crappy stuff, overpriced, and you don't like it unless your desperate, He's a Dibbler. > "Ayame, bargain with the man." > > From that day forth, Jack had a strange > and unshakeable fear of the voice of > anyone with green hair. Fortunately as > the green hair gene is not a common one Scott: Outside of, apparently, Japan. > this did not bother him too much. > > > *** > > > > > > Mark: And when you look into the Void, the Void looks into you. Scott: Do not paraphrase Nietzsche, lest you become Nietzsche. Zeek: Isn't he dead? Scott: Exactly. Mark: (sweatdrops) So I forgot the actual words...Sooorrreee!! > The scene shimmered again and refocused > on the fuku'd verbosifyer. Zeek: Oh yay, fuku too. Scott: Who knew that fuku that she'd do as well? ^_^ Mark: Another new word! Jon: At this rate, the author will have himself a private dictionary by the end of the fic. > "And so here we are, on the road to Los > Angeles, lost and alone in California." Scott: In case you forgot to read the episode title. > Ayame looked up from whoever she was > looking at. By now, the Do-Gooders had Jon: MPS. Zeek: MPS? Mark: You know, Mad Passionate S-- (blushes) You're right, Scott. It is catching. Jon: Embrace your destiny, young Skywalker. ^_^ Zeek: Don't think I won't hurt you. > succeeded in opening the back of the > van and had Mark: Locked her inside. > all left to stand aside the > road in search of assistance. Jon: [Tejina] I can't find any assistance. You guys? Scott: [Kireiko] No assistance here. Matsuro? Zeek: [Matsuro] No. Becky? Mark: [Becky] I found some assistance! Jon: [Tejina] ...Becky, that's a rock. >Outside, > the silhouettes of seven of the heroes > were visible against the deep purple of > the night. Audible above the drumming Scott: Matsuro took some time to practice the drums, apparently. Jon: Then I wonder what Keiko took the time to practice... ^_^ > of the rain and the occasional rumble > of thunder, was the voice of Tejina. Scott: "The Voice of Tejina"! A tragicomic masterpiece in five acts! > "Han, how could you possibly confuse > this map of what is obviously New > Mexico, with one of California?" Jon: Well, vast amounts of alcohol usually help. > "But when I bought it I was assured it > was a map of California." > > "Where did you buy it?" Scott: [Hanaki] Um... New Mexico. > "I got it second hand off some bloke > with an umbrella at the airport." This > left nothing much to talk about for a > while until Matsuro noticed something. Scott: [Matsuro] Why don't I have any pants on? Mark: [Matsuro] The sky really is purple? I thought I was hallucinating again. Zeek: [Matsuro] Damn, I left my wallet in Japan! Jon: [Matsuro] Boy, that Keiko sure has huge...tracts of land. ^_^ Zeek: Didn't you already use that joke? > "It's stopped." He said. > > "What has?" Asked Kireiko. Jon: [Matsuro] Keiko's display of tantric-- [*WHAP!*] OW! > "The talking, Ayame's finally stopped > talking." Instead of the whoops and > cheers this would normally bring, there > was another muted pause. Aki spoke up. > > "I wonder if she's snapped out of this > whole craziness thing." Zeek: Doubt it. Scott: Seconded. > "Someone will have to check..." noted > Becky. This produced a sort of Captain Scott: ...Crunch! Jon: ...Planet! Zeek: ...Commando! Who is, by the way, a cheezy little bastard, and really needs to die. > Oates situation. Which Keiko quickly > solved. > > "I vote Kireiko goes. All in favour?" > > "Aye!" > > "Yes!" > > "Agreed." > > "'Got my vote." > > "Naturally." Mark: [Kireiko] You love me! You really love me! > "All opposed?" > > "No way!" > > "Tough luck Oni-boy, get down there!" Mark: [Scorpion] GET OVER HERE! > Keiko kicked Kireiko down into the > ditch, where he landed on his feet. He > creeped slowly over to the opening, > peering into it in the same way that an > action hero who has just slain a giant > robot checks for that it suddenly isn't > going to lurch back to life and > strangle him to death. Zeek: Geez, what kinda giant robot do you think it is? I bet it's like one of them things like in original star trek when they used a housecat's shadow as a vicious monster. Jon: Just for the record... whenever I slay giant robots, I don't creep over and check if it's going to stay down. I trash it until it's certain it'll stay down. > "Hello fellow crusader Kireiko! All: Hi, Dr. Nick! > Would > you remove my bonds so I may re-join > you and my fellow friends?" called > Ayame. Kireiko sighed, untied and then > re-unified Ayame with their friends. Mark: There a hentai reference there somewhere. (Looks at Jon.) Zeek: Mark, *don't encourage him*! Scott: Besides, it's really not that hentai. Now, if the "re-unified" part came before the "untied" part, maybe... ^_- Jon: You know, you guys really are making things easy for me. (pauses) Anyway, that happens later in the story. Others: (blinkblink!) WHAT!? Zeek: You're kidding me... Jon already read this before? Mark: Well, he's not called the #1 Do-Gooders fan for nothing. > "I still blame you for this Han." > Blamed Keiko. Mark: So she blamed Han, then? Just checking to make sure. Scott: I bet it was really the Wookiee's fault. > "Things could be worse." Said Han. > > "Worse? We're lost with nowhere to stay > for the night. What're we going to do?" Mark: [Barbie] Let's go shopping! Jon: Let's get naked! Scott: LET'S ALL GET BACK IN THE MYSTERY MACHINE! Zeek: ...really spoiled the fun with that one, didn't you? Scott: (manic grin) Fun? Zeek: Oh. Right, good point. > As if fulfilling some dramatic > necessity, a sudden flash of lightening Scott: How is that different from a flash of lightning? Jon: The special effects guys charge you another $20 per hour. > illuminated a large, ominous mansion > atop a hill, conveniently within > walking distance. Everyone sweatdropped > in unison, then Tejina spoke Zeek: [Tejina] o_o; That's a nice mansion...looks almost like home.. Others: [as rest] o_O; Jon: o/~There's a light... over at the Frankenstein place... o/~ > "Well, there's at least one answer..." > Keiko smiled, the house looked quite > gothic... offering the possibility of > cool architecture. > > "C'mon everyone. It's time I got outta > these wet leathers and into a nice warm > bed." Scott: ...Nah. This one's way too easy. Jon: Spoil sport. > The Do-Gooders and companions began > their trudge up to the mansion. > > > > *** > > > > Mark: It's over yet? Zeek: Maybe. > > Zeek: Maybe not. > Meanwhile, Mark: Dang. It's still on. > in an airport lounge in Los > Angeles... Jon: ...cattle was being mutilated. > "Excuse me sir, but I really must ask > you to move your tent." Jon: [as whoever's talking] You're arousing senior citizens. (Zeek sighs, and hits jon over the head with the hilt of his sword, then moves three seats away.) Zeek: Don't say you didn't ask for that. > "For the last time, I'm not getting out > until Aki-sama arrives or there's a > major breakthrough in earthquake > prevention!" Zeek: There is for this fic. It's called chastity, considering no one here has normal levels of urges. Scott: (doubletakes) Okay, either I'm missing the link between chastity and earthquakes, or that statement made no sense. > WHAT AWAITS OUR HEROES AT THE > GOTIC-ESQUE MANSION? Jon: A Rocky Horror crossover? Scott: If that happens, I'm outta here. Evil Kate: (over speakers) Keep wishing. Scott: Just kidding, I'll sing along. ^_^ > WILL THEY EVER > REACH LOS ANGELEAS? Mark: Not if they're heading for Los Angeles. Zeek: The lost city of angels... Los Angeleas. > WILL THE QUAKE > CAMPER EVER LEAVE HIS TENT? Scott: Nope, no targets. > WILL MATSURO'S MOTHER TURN UP? Zeek: Turn up what? The volume? Jon: I'm hoping for the Fanservice-meter. > WHAT OTHER > EXCITING LOCATIONS SHALL THE DO-GOODERS > VISIT? Jon: Read: What other innocent people shall the Do-Gooders torment? > IF A TREE FALLS IN THE WOODS AND > NO-ONE'S AROUND, WILL ANYONE CARE? Zeek: AND IF THE TREE ISN'T HEARD FALLING, WILL THE OTHER TREES MAKE FUN OF IT? (All the other people in the theatre blink.) Mark: ZEEK!!! Zeek: yea? Mark: Nevermind. > All this and more next time on The > Do-Gooders World Tour! All: NOOOO!!! > Authors notes: Scott: o/~ La, o/~ Jon: o/~ la, o/~ Zeek: o/~ la, o/~ Mark: o/~ la, o/~ Jon: o/~ Laaaaaa! o/~ (Sound of glass breaking) Evil Kate: You're paying for that window. Jon: Gomen... ^.^;; > C&C desired, please? Mark: Do you want fries with that? > WAI! This was fun to write! I'll > probably be writing the next part, Scott: Threats will get you nowhere, Mr. Author! > though I plan on having other writers > from the DGML write episodes later on. > So stay tuned! > > A big "Ta mate!" Zeek: Is that anything edible? > to the folks on the > Do-Gooders mailing list who at least > partially inspired this Mark: (looks at Jon) You're a member of that ML, right? Jon: Yeah. So? Mark: So you're partially responsible for this? Jon: More than you think. > and a slightly > bigger "Cor blimey guvner, you've been Zeek: Please, never say that again. >_< > a great help!" to the pre-reader for > this omake, Yasha, whose scathing > critique over petty little details > greatly improved the readability of > this episode. Scott: But not by much. Zeek: Agreed. Mark: Ditto. Jon: I'll tell her you said that. She knows several techniques of breaking a grown man's bones with ease. (Others sweatdrop) Zeek: Well, I don't know bout you guys, but the lobby door's open, I'm outta here for the moment. (runs out very fast) Mark: Wait for us! (Others follow) */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Up in the broadcast booth of the Theater of Pain, Kate and her evil twin were engaging in a staring contest. Kate glared at Evil Kate. "You're slipping, you know," she said. Evil Kate glared back. "What do you mean?" "Oh, come on. 'BLOT 4!' 'I'm invisible!' You're going into Thinker-speak. You're losing it." Kate shook her head sadly. "A shame... I'll bet your genetic structure is going to destabilize any minute now or something." Evil Kate looked slightly nervous for once. "What do you mean?" "Oh, you know... scientists managed to create a super-strong, genetically- superior being, but in the end there's always some fatal flaw, and the clone ends up going insane or melting into a puddle of goo on the lab floor or something like that." Kate probably would have shrugged nonchalantly if she hadn't been tied up. "You're lying!" Evil Kate said. "This is just some sort of trick so you can get yourself and all your little friends out of here!" "Suit yourself," Kate answered. "But don't come crying to me when you start to disintegrate." "You... you... you're so mean!" Evil Kate wailed. In the meantime, TV's Echo, who had been sitting in the corner and watching the Sailor Moon S movie (subbed, of course), realized that the first part of Do Gooders World Tour had ended, and it was time to let the test subjects back into the lobby for the intermission. Taking care not to disturb the Kates, he pushed the buttons to open the theater doors. In a few minutes, he'd turn on the lobby projection screen. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Meanwhile, in the lobby, the eight poor souls left to fend for themselves were comparing their experiences in the theater. More than half of them were drunk, partly to the fact that Jonatan, while in captivity, had stowed away a secret cache of alcohol inside a hollow wall. R. Jak gulped down yet another shot of spirits as he talked with a small group gathered around the popcorn popper. "As far as I can see," he said, with a slight slur, "this experiment is actually kinda mild, in comparison." "Comparison to what?" Zeek asked, trying to focus on the blurry images ahead of him. "Well, think about it," Scott said, as articulate as ever (not that that's saying a whole lot). "The basis of this is supposedly a sort of torture, ne? Except this one's supposed to hurt, but it only causes... causes..." "Annoyance..." NeoVid groaned from underneath the popcorn popper. "Right. Annoyance." Scott thought a bit. "Bloody load of pauses, weren't there? I bet we could write our own fanfic in all the whitespace." "Yeaaahh..." NeoVid mumbled. "Til I was forced to read it, I thought World Tour was pretty good..." Mark would have commented on the subject, but at the moment, he was holding an ice pack on his head and groaning. All that from downing two shots of spirit. Jonatan nudged Mark. "You really can't take liquor very well, can you?" "Shaddup! Ooohh..." Mark replied. "And then there's the fact that he keeps messing up who's speaking," Jonatan continued, sipping a glass of vodka. "That's way messed up. I told him you can't do that, but did he listen? Nooo..." "Who?" Zeek asked, a confused look on his face. "Him," Scott said unhelpfully. "Never mind." He looked up at the mysterious Mr. Knht, who was floating around the room, rather disoriented. "So what you think of Do-Gooders World Tour?" Mr. Knht glared at Jon, refusing to speak for a few moments. "Funguy," Jon repeated, "what did you think of..." Then, Mr. Knht took out his Game Boy. "Zapdos! I choose you!" he yelled. Zapdos flew out of the Game Boy and let out a great bolt of electricity, destroying the popcorn machine and shocking everyone in the room expect Mr. Knht. "Okay," said Scott, slightly frizzled. "That was unnecessary." Mr. Knht pocketed the Game Boy. "I think Zadpos giv ya my anwser." Mr. Knht replied. "A pain in the Game Boy system?" asked Jonatan. "Correct, but good enough for me." stated Mr. Knht. "I mean," Scott droned on in the background, "you completely ruined the popcorn... now what am I supposed to eat during part two? Nachos? I think not. No respect for tradition, I'm telling you..." Mr. Knht suddenly boggled, as the Zapdos gave one last terrified squak and died a horrible death via steel. Zeek then sheathed his sword, totally sober now. "DO THAT AGAIN AND I CUT YOU TO RIBBONS, KNHT!" he shouted again. "WHAT WRONG WITH YOU! NOW I GOT GET NOTHER!" Mr. Knht reached for his Game Boy, but it was snatched out of his hand. "Let me keep this for now, Thinker," Mark said ominously, stuffing the contraption into his pocket as R. Jak and NeoVid struggled out of the large mound of broken machinery and popped corn. NeoVid, who was still drunk, staggered out and leaned up against Mark. "Now Knht," Zeek replied, "you'd better knock it off, before you do something you will regret." "Like what?" R. Jak remarked, wiped out the last of the melted butter out of his hair. "Write another Supergirl story?" "THINKER rwite Supergirl story, no me!" Mr. Knht replied indignantly. Before Zeek could reply, the screen lit up, revealing an angry Kate and a sobbing Evil Kate. "Hi guys," Kate said in an embarrassed tone of voice. The group waved back, then NeoVid passed out. "Hey, Kate!" Mark shouted. His headache and dizziness were doing weird things to his thought processes. "You made Evil Kate cry! That wasn't very nice of you!" "But she trapped you in a theater and made you watch bad fanfiction! She isn't nice!" Kate attempted to defend herself. "Huh?" Mark intoned. "Oh, yeah. Forgot." He tossed the water in the ice bucket over his head, in effect also drenching NeoVid. "Brrrr! That woke me up!" "What, and you are?" R. Jak pointed out to Kate. "You beating up on poor Jon all the time? You should be ashamed." "Are you saying there's something wrong with my hobbies?" Jonatan asked, confused. Despite still being on the floor, NeoVid said "She's eeeevil, man, evil... I never thought MSTing was a bad thing until today..." Scott shrugged. "It's not a bad thing." "What was that 'FUN?' thing about, then?" Jonatan retorted. "Well, it's sort of expected. You know. Anyway, Kate, you should really be nicer to Evil Kate. Because the only difference between you is that she's not nice. Right? Aside from the revealing leather, I mean. Which I still think you should reconsider. She looks really--" He paused for a moment. "Um, I said all that out loud, didn't I?" Mark nodded. "Damn. I shouldn't've started drinking." He gave Kate a very broad, very innocent smile, which didn't fool her in the slightest. "Er, never mind?" "So now that you defeated your evil twin, does that mean you're going to let us go, Kate?" Mark asked. "Well..." Kate responded. "I wouldn't exactly say that I *defeated* her. I mean, you don't see me untied or anything, do you?" Echo, meanwhile, decided that he could help his boss out by taking matters into his own hands. He pushed the button, reopening the theater doors. The groups started to head back to the theaters, before they were interrupted by Evil Kate (who apparently had managed to recover from her crying fit). "Wait, where do you think you're going? You don't get back into the theater until you switch teams! It's because... um... because you'll have a harder time dealing with the fic if I shake you up like this!" "Uh... okay," R. Jak said, a bit unsure. "Oh yay. So who's the lucky members this time?" Zeek looked up at Evil Kate. Evil Kate took a sheet of paper from Echo and read the new groups. "Okay, the hentai, the immortal, the cynic..." "...the lion, the witch, the wardrobe..." Jonatan filled in. "...and a partridge in a pear tree," NeoVid finished. "Shut up." Evil Kate glared. "...and the new guy go to theater one. Theater two is the normal guy, the cosplayer, the guy speaking bad english, and the goth." "...oh my," Jonatan giggled. The others looked oddly at him, wondering what was so fun about Kasumi impressions. "Be more specific, Kate," Scott said. "Which one's the normal guy?" "Mark's the MOST normal," Jon suggested. Mark nodded. "Yes, I may be..." Pause. "Wait a minute..." He stopped and glared at Jonatan. "I am NOT! I'm as abnormal as any of you." Mark stopped again. "That didn't come out right," he muttered under his breath. "Hmm. Given the present company, I think I'd have to agree with Jon," Scott disagreed with Mark. "But you couldn't come up with anything better than 'new guy' for me? Come on... what kind of villain are you? I could do better than that..." "Okay, specifics here," Evil Kate said angrily. "We're switching the ones called R. Jak and NeoVid to theater one. They trade off with Mark and Zeek. Is that better?" "No relly," Mr. Knht said innocently. "Who normal one?" "JUST GET IN THERE, SPOONY BARDS!" Evil Kate screamed. "Okay, okay." "I'm not really a-- ah, forget it, nobody'll get that reference anyway," Scott muttered. "Jeez," Jon remarked before the group departed. "Not a funny bone in her body. Loves to break mine, though..." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* DOOR SEQUENCE: 4A: It's a sarcophagus. The team forces the lid open, climbs inside, and closes it over themselves. 3A: It's made of 3As from that cartoon 'Botsmaster'. No one gets the reference. 2A: A PJ fanfiction. The group gets in through the gaping plotholes. 1A: It's a maze of tiny little passages, all exactly alike. The group chants "xyzzy" and ends up inside the theater. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* > The world burned. Scott: Hey! You're supposed to RECYCLE those now, moron! > Mankind had foolishly > wasted its only chance at peace and > gone to war. R. Jak: BAD Mick Foley! BAD! > Weapons more terrible than > any conceivable today were deployed, NeoVid: They hit me with Styrofoam peanuts! Oh the humanity! > and all life on earth was destroyed. Jon: Ooh... NeoVid: Yay! Scott: That's not supposed to be a good thing. > It's a good job this omake takes place > a few centuries before that then. All: Damn. > ***** Do-Gooders The Do-Gooders World > tour An Omake Serial This part by Scott: Cereal? But I've already had breakfast. > Eslington. [Eslington@bigfoot.com] Part > Two: A spooky mansion in a foreign R Jak: ...Language. NeoVid: How do you say 'spooky mansion' in anything but English, anyway? > country! What shall our heroines do? > ***** Jon: How about the heroes? ^_^ NeoVid: ...damn, he stole the first one. R. Jak: I was that close. Jon: ...not two, but three? Scott: Four. ^_^ NeoVid: Yup. Jon: Cool. And Baughb the Elf went into the other theater! Great! > The Do-Gooders trudged up the winding > path Scott: Remember, you'll have to wind up your path once daily. > towards the creepy Scott: ...Looking guy in the jacket... NeoVid: Who? > gothic mansion > atop the large hill, some of them Jon: They're always creepy gothic mansions on top of large hills. You'd think they were a geological phenomenon. > carrying their instruments, all of them > arguing about matters such as luggage > handling and proper van driving. R. Jak: All of them, for some reason, wearing Guess Jeans. NeoVid: Guess? Uh... are they Levis? > The > group stopped as they reached a large > cast iron gate All: [group] OW! >. Keiko had once seen the > gates of hell, and these looked Jon: So have I. Scott: You don't mean... Jon: Math final. Scott: Ouch. > amazingly similar. Of course in hell > the gates had little blood red picket > fences R Jak: Complete with skewered bodies. > on either side of them, rather > than tall brick walls topped with > spikes, but most of the details were > the same, even the little stone > gargoyles on the gate posts. NeoVid: As opposed to stoned gargoyles. Jon: [Goliath] Man, am I baked... Scott: Satan must have splurged at Pier One. > One of the > posts had a doorbell intercom attached > to it, R. Jak: The latest fad in piercing. NeoVid: (sniffles) No one wanted to try my new idea with brain piercing... > Ayame pressed the button to > attract Jon: Weasels. Big ones, with pointy teeth. > the attention of the mansion's > occupants. "Good evening, can I help > you?" Jon: [Matsuro] Maybe. Do you know when the fic ends? > Said a voice with a distinct > British accent. NeoVid: Always knew Satan was English. Scott: And he's writing this story! > "Yes oh occupant of > this grand house, we require assistance > in our mission of spreading delight > across the world as our method of > transportation NeoVid: [Ayame] ...Required us to be fired out of cannons, so we would like it if you called 911. > has tragically been > rendered inoperative and we humbly > request that you offer us a roof over > our heads, four walls around us R. Jak: Just don't break one this time. > and > possibly a method of telecommunication > to the nearest automotive repair and > modification centre." Jon: So speaketh the great wise fungus, ruler of the heavens, possessor of yon aulde-- (coughs) That was unpleasant. I never had her tongue-twist like that. > Answered Ayame. > "Very good Miss, may I simply ask that > you NeoVid: [voice] ...pour a bucket of water over yourself? > put that in slightly less verbose > terms?" Matsuro pushed Ayame lightly > aside. (All watch as Ayame flies across the screen and crashes into a tree.) Scott: Lightly, my ass. > "Our van's broken down, can we > stay here tonight and call a garage?" Scott: [voice] Oh, in that case, no. > "Yes, good sir. If you'd just wait a > second..." There was a click and R Jak: ...A sniper blew them away. The end. > the > gate swung open with an agonised > squeak. R. Jak: [Gate, agonised] I can't believe I'm in a bad fanfic... > The Do-Gooders looked at each > other, shrugged and walked in. > > * Jon: The other two stars have been downsized. > > Beneath the Mansion, someone lurked, or Scott: So it's a message board? > more accurately, fiddled with > scientific equipment whilst lurking. An NeoVid: He should post more. > intercom panel buzzed on the wall. The > scientist rushed over to it and stabbed > at the "answer" button. "Yes, what is NeoVid: The sword then cleaved the panel in twain. Well, at least it stopped the buzzing. > it?" "Master, visitors have arrived." > "Excellent, that small cute thing NeoVid: Lumi-chan? Scott: Yuki? Jon: Dilua? R. Jak: Who? Jon: Forget it. NeoVid: Joel-chan? R Jak: I won't even ask about that one. Jon: Good idea. > I > trained to jump in front of cars is > working like a charm." "Actually sir, I NeoVid: [Master] And now it's smeared on the street like a charm. Excellent! > chose to notify you because the gate > sensors indicate the presence of > powerful magic within our female > guests." R. Jak: [Master] Oh, not the Sailor Scouts AGAIN! Jon: [Master] Just as long as it isn't... the Doctor. Scott: [Voice] Who? Jon: [Master] Yes. > The man grinned as he heard > the news. "My day just gets better... NeoVid: [Master] I mean, this morning I received a letter saying I might have won a million dollars! > Bring one of them to me, so I may study > her energies." NeoVid: If this is leading up to what I'm thinking this is leading up, zero owes you five bucks, Jak. > The man turned off the > intercom and strode away, cackling > evilly. R. Jak: [Master] I will destroy christmas this year. I will. > * Jon: Look! A star! We must follow it! (All follow the star.) > The entrance hall of the mansion was, > of course, extravagant. NeoVid: Oh, it just led to the hall. That's a disappointment. > The dark oak > floor was covered R Jak: ...In blood! Lots of it! > in part by strips of > crimson carpeting. R Jak: See! I was right! > The furnishings were > made of the finest Mahogany and on the > walls were pictures of people who, by > the look of them, were all related to > each other. Jon: Descriptions supplied by Eyrie Unlimited. All overdescription, all the time. > Clearly this was a house > that belonged to a family of > aristocratic Scott: In- > breeding. "Hmm..." Hmmed > Aki. R. Jak: We would not have noticed. > "Looks like the owner of this > house is a family of aristocratic Scott: In- > breeding." From one of the room's many > entrances, a butler walked in and stood > before the band. NeoVid: [Narrarator] They were uncertain of why he wore no pants, but perhaps this was one of the mansion's many quaint traditions. > The butler's employer > had clearly spent a lot of time NeoVid: In a closet with Vanessa White. > searching for Jon: ...Porn! > a classic English butler. Jon: But was he pornographic? NeoVid: His tie was. > If any of the band had ever read any of > P.G. Wodehouse's books, R. Jak: They'd have gone horribly mad. Jon: Nonsense, I've read dozens of his books. Scott: Case in point, then. > they would have > found this man unusually familiar, but NeoVid: It's Colonel Mustard! > none of them had, NeoVid: ...A chance of surviving this. > so this was a moot > point. "Good evening. May I take your > coats?" "We aren't wearing coats." > noted Tejina. Jon: [butler] Then I take ALL your clothes! MWAHAHAHAHA! > "Then I shall not take > them. May I have your names instead?" Jon: [Tejina] No, you can't. I'm afraid we still use them. NeoVid: [butler] Ma'am, that was a very bad joke. Jon: [Tejina] Yes, I know. I'm sorry. [normal] The 'Realms' sketch, gentlemen. > The group introduced themselves, though > this dialogue was removed to prevent > unnecessary typing. Jon: He's covering up his mistakes. Well, at least he's trying. Scott: Yes, he's very trying. > "And I am Plage, > humble servant to this house, the manor R Jak: ...Of a clichéd English guy. Oh, wait, he didn't say 'manner'... > of Wallingfourthshire." "That sounds > like somewhere in England." Noted > Keiko. All: Whatever... > "It is, the master of the house > had it moved after the local coal > mining industry collapsed. I regret to Scott: Much like my patience. What has that to do with the STORY?! > inform you that our phone lines have > been blown Jon: Lucky lines... NeoVid: Yep. > down in the storm. I would > give you a grand tour of the house but > it's late, and you are probably in > greater need of some rest. Jon: [butler] And we're planning on torturing you later, so... R. Jak: Okay, okay. We get the image. Scott: I don't. NeoVid: I envy you... > I shall > escort you all to your rooms. The Jon: So he's got a budding... escort service? Wink wink, nudge nudge. > master of the house is busy in the wine > cellar and does not wish to be > disturbed R. Jak: Yeah. Don't want to disturb him when he's drunk. Scott: He doesn't wish to be disturbed, but he's a schizophrenic anyway. > but he assures me he shall > see you in the morning." NeoVid: That's when he usually regains his vision. > With that, > Plage walked silently out of the room, Scott: Ah, I see he's wearing Boots of Stealth. > followed by a slightly confused but > grateful group of teens. R.Jak: They thought he was Hanson. > * > > Tejina pushed open the door to the > first guest room. It was simply > furnished with an empty chest of > drawers and two small brass-frame beds, > each in a southern corner. R. Jak: You know, he could've said they were bunk beds and saved us a few words. NeoVid: So there are bunk beds in both corners? > Hanaki > walked in around her and collapsed onto > a bed. Tejina closed the door and sat > down on the other bed. R. Jak: And, unfortunately, the last guest, who had been there for quite some time. > "I'm so tired..." Began Hanaki. "I could fall > asleep in these sodden clothes." "Looks > like that's the only option." "What?" NeoVid: She said 'LOOKS LIKE THAT'S THE ONLY OPTION'! > "You left the rest of the clothes in > the van didn't you? "No." "Han..." Jon: [Hanaki] I traded them for three beans. R. Jak: [Tejina] Three BEANS? Jon: [Hanaki] They're magic beans! Wanna see Sigfried saw apart a lady? > "Well yes, but I'm sure you said it was > Kireiko's job to bring them." Tejina > sighed. She was tired too and despite > her mission for truth, justice and All: ...The British way! > concert fees, arguing over the truth > with her sister could wait until next > morning. NeoVid: [Narrarator] Or decade. [normal] Please? > Removing enough clothing to > sleep comfortably, NeoVid: Won't tell you how MUCH, though. > but leaving enough > to maintain the PG rating, R. Jak: Aw, DAMMIT! Jon: There will be more opportunities. ^_~ > Hanaki and > Tejina settled down to sleep. > > * > > Ayame had fallen asleep as soon as she > got onto the bed Jon: I distrust those places. Last time I went to a hotel and fell asleep directly, I woke up with a buncha people who kept calling me "#6." > and would have slept > in a very uncomfortable position Jonatan: (leafing through a book labeled 'Illustrated Kama Sutra') I could have sworn it was "The parakeet invites the turtle"... Scott: Aren't all Kama Sutras illustrated? NeoVid: Only the good ones. > if > Becky hadn't turned her over so she > wasn't sleeping on her elbow. Becky had > tried to get to sleep, but she had > discovered the horrible and terrible > and horrible secret R Jak: ...Of this fic's being written. > about Ayame that > Tejina and Hanaki had hidden from the > rest of the world... R. Jak: It involved a bowl of gazpacho soup. > "...nnnmmnnnn HA! > I shall not allow you to nullify the > Emblem! On behalf of the fourth wall > you're punished! Mmmm...." Ayame Scott: Lady, you have no idea how punished we are already. > exposited in her sleep. Just great. And > to make it worse the voices in her head > were arguing again. NeoVid: Mine have been quiet for a while... you think they're plotting something? > [Sailor Rapture > must continue in her quest to spread Jonatan: ...poo over all the stages of the multiverse... NeoVid: No, I think you're confusing her with Teki-chan. > her joyous music across the world!] > [Agent B-A3 must fulfil the objectives > set by her parents. If she does not > check the locations for NeoVid: ...Free booze. > anomalous > occurrences then the free world may be > in grave danger, as her parents > ordered, Scott: Her parents ordered the world to be in peril? > she must fulfil this mission > with the aid of her associates within > the two weeks allotted. Jon: Her dual personalities are a Sailor Scout and Gamma from Sonic Adventure? > Besides you got > those bass lessons off me.] > [Irrelevant! Without the power of her > music the world shall never know NeoVid: ...That there are worse horrors than Bolton. > the > possible rapture that awaits it.] [The > wellbeing of the United States of > America and the Earth outweighs your > concerns.] [Does not.] [Does.] [Does > not.] [Does.] [Can you two keep it > down? I'm trying to get some sleep!] Jon: [Piss off.] > Thought Becky. [Sorry] Thought her > personalities. Becky settled down into > bed and closed her eyes and drifted > off... [Does.] [Does not.] Becky sighed > and spent the night arguing with her > personalities. > > * > > Much to Keiko's disappointment, NeoVid: There was no mint on her pillow. > the > beds in the guestroom were large enough > to accommodate one comfortably, but > small enough to prevent any bed > sharing. Jon: Silly, silly. That's just a question of effort. With enough effort, no bed is too small. > When she had complained about > this to Matsuro, he had just shrugged > and slipped into bed, he hadn't even > bothered to undress. Keiko lay awake in > bed, cursing that NeoVid: ...Freakin' sexless loser. > fatigue resistance > spell she had cast on herself six hours > ago, in the hope that she would be able > to drive for a while. Keiko looked over > at Matsuro. He was kinda cute when he > was sleeping. R. Jak: Despite the drooling and all. > That little ingrained > expression of annoyance on his > otherwise still body... She got out of > bed, pulled up a small chair and sat by > his bed. NeoVid: Bishounen spotting, the latest fad for fangirls. > She didn't want to close her > eyes; she didn't want to fall asleep > (She knew she'd find that difficult > anyway) because she'd miss him. And she > didn't want to miss a thing. R. Jak: And it was then that Keiko figured out which song they'd open the act with. Jon: Geez... Keiko was never this obsessive in the main story. (thinks) Oh, wait. She was. > It > occurred to her that some might regard > this as either very sweet, or mildly > disturbing. But she was all right with > that, she felt both descriptions suited > her well. > > * > NeoVid: Are we gonna have to go through this with all the characters? All: Yes... > Aki settled down in her bed, smoothing > the sheets out over her body. Jon: (appreciatively) Mmm... those are form-fitting sheets. > The bed > was so comfortable that sleep was so > easy... Aki sighed, a small smile of > comfort on her face with the expression > that come from one who has an instinct > for this sort of situation and just > knows the snag was about to turn up. R. Jak: [Snag] Sorry I'm late. I got held up by the weather. > There was a thump as Kireiko turned NeoVid: Into a vase of petunias! > over, and then a noise akin to that > thing some really evil people > occasionally do with their nails and > blackboards, Jon: (takes out a blackboard from under his seat) Yes, isn't it horrible? )rakes his nails over the board) Others: Arrrgh! > as the half oni's claws > dragged down the wall, leaving gashes > in the wall paper. Aki looked over, her > face contorted in pain. She didn't > trust those tentacles to keep > themselves to themselves either. (Jon and R. Jak freeze) Jon: Ten...ta...cles... R. Jak: AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH! NEMESIS FLASHBACK!!!!! Jon: o/~ Shout, shout, let it all out... these are the things I can do without... come on, I'm talking to you, come on... o/~ > Aki > groaned, gathered up her bedclothes and > went downstairs to sleep on the antique > Georgian sofa-bed. Jon: Little did she know that the sofa was actually a crocodile, who ate lamps by night. > * > > In the basement, the intercom buzzed > again. (A buzzing sound can be heard over the speakers in the theater.) R. Jak: What was that? Scott: I don't know... NeoVid: Aaaugh! The Fic's getting to us! > Fortunately, the villainous > figure was walking next to it so there > was no rush to answer. "Yes?" "Our > guests have retired to their rooms. > Evidence shows that all of the females > are charged with magical energy, one > even shows evidence of a sorceress' > skills." "Excellent." (Everyone is startled out of their seats.) Voice Over the Speakers: ...Now go, my minions, and capture her. I can use her as bait to lure He-Man into a trap! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! All: What the...? R. Jak: Say...that sounds like... NeoVid: Skrib? Skrib (VO): Hello, guys! (anime-style blinking sound) Where's Mark? Jon: He's in the other theater. Skrib (VO): Oh. Anyways, I heard what happened to you guys, so I've patched into the Theater of Pain's systems and I'm now working on getting you all out of there, so wait up for a little while, 'kay? ^_^ Jon: Take your time, Skrib. Obscure riff, by the way. Scott: (blinking) Skrib's here? NeoVid: Hey, Skrib! You done with your intro part yet? Skrib (VO): Sorry, my manager's still studying for exams. He'll get back by the end of the week, promise. (A crashing sound can be heard in the distance.) Scott: And there goes the Fourth Wall. R. Jak: We didn't need it. > The shadowy man > flicked on four of his NeoVid: ...Pairs of pants. They were that small... > security > monitors grinning; he pressed buttons > five and seven Scott: [master] OK, that should make fifteen... >on a small eight-button > array by his side. Jon: Then it exploded. > "I shall dispose of > the two males with my patented > Deathbeds(tm), Scott: Uh oh. You know what this means... Jon: You don't mean... Scott: Yes. Deathbed(tm) soliloquies(tm). > and the you shall bring > one of the girls to me for analysis." Jon: So that's what they call it these days... > "Very good master, will there be > anything NeoVid: [Butler] ...Slightly entertaining going on soon? Jon: [Master] You know better than that. > else?" R. Jak [Master]: I want my OVALTINE! > "That will be all." The > mad scientist turned off the intercom > and turned to the massive machine in > the centre of his lab. "Soon... NeoVid: ...I shall catch 'em all. Jon: When Pokemon training goes too far: Next on Fox. > The > government will bow to may demands and > I shall have enough money to retire > from Mad Science! BWA Jon and NeoVid: When did it get here? > -HAHAHAHA!" > Laughed the scientist, rubbing his > hands in glee. Jon: [Scientist] My god! My hands are on fire! Skrib (VO): Does this one wear a lime-green coat? NeoVid: It would explain a lot. > * > > ****************** *COMMERCIAL BREAK* > ****************** Jon: Oh good. Another intermission. (He gets up and is faced with a row of railguns.) Evil Kate (VO): Back in your seat. Jon: But it's a commercial! Evil Kate (VO): I don't care. Sit down. Jon: (sits down) I want more popcorn... R. Jak: Reminds me of the Dream City Theater in a lot of ways. > Tired of eating the same old breakfast? Scott: Can you write down a number? NeoVid: Are you over 21? R. Jak: Do you have your parent's credit card? Jon: Can you draw this babe? > Well why not try new Jusenky-os? Simply > add cold milk and these delicious > breakfast treats become all kinds of > morning delights! NeoVid: Like Laetitia Costa. > "That is bowl of > drowned sugar coated cornflakes! Jon: Which is nice if you don't mind terminally soggy cereal. NeoVid: That is also sound like Thinker or Khnt! Mr. Khnt (VO): I not Thinker! > Very > tragic legend of sugar frosted > cornflakes that drowned there two > thousand years ago..." "*Gasp* Not bowl > of drowned chocolate flavoured cereal > Os!" "Ah, you dine from bowl of drowned > puffed rice." R. Jak: Not stream of drowned bacon bits! Oh no! > Breakfast time will never > be the same! NeoVid: Now it'll be at night! > Warning: Do not ingest > cereal, may result in annoying but > amusing R Jak: ..Advertising. Well, not 'amusing'... > curse. "Oh no! Not bowl of > drowned toast!" Skrib (VO): I had that once. It was a rather enlightening experience. S