*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Indie Madnesse proudly presents: IMPROFICROAST: Improvisational MiSTing or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Come Up With Riffs In Two Days http://www.students.rhodes.edu/%7Eknoke/indie/indie.html Episode 003: Gourrigan's Island: Fear And Loathing in Gourrigan's Island Participants: -Chaobino (XellossMettalium@aol.com) Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion -Jonatan Streith (a99jonst@ida.his.se) Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion -Kate Malloy (kamalloy@home.com) Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion -Mark Poa (recklessflyer@mechpilot.com) Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion -Ranma X (drstupid@geocities.com) Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion -Signus Megido (maramala@hotmail.com) Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion -W4 (indiemadw4@home.com) Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion, Guest Villain, Editor */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* OBLIGITARY LEGAL BLAH MST3K & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Charles, Jonatan Streith, Kate, Mervyn the Wonder Slug, Ranma X, Signus, Skrib and W4 are owned and copyrighted by their respective creators. ImproFicRoast is owned and copyrighted by Indie Madnesse. Slayers is copyright by both CPM and ADV. Neon Genesis Evangelion is copyrighted by ADV. MISTING CLASSIFICATION [ANIME]: General Anime/Manga Fiction The original story is based on the anime series, "Slayers." [MST]: Meta-Misting - Misting Of A Misting, Or A Unusual Misting The misting was completely improvised; see the ImproFicRoast home page for more details. [NONE]: Era Unknown or Unspecified The cast and characters are completely independent of the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" Storyline. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Mervyn the Wonder-Slug-Who-Wasn't-Actually-A-Slug-But-A-College- Student-But-Was-Still-Rather-Wondrous looked around the Indie Madnesse Studio. Everywhere he looked, people were playing "Triple Triad." "I WIN!" Queen Uzume shouted gleefully as she slapped down her final card. "HOORAY!" Che Fierro sneered. "You may have won this time, Dark Queen. But when my plan..." Mervyn sighed. Che's rant's about his "plan" could take days. "GYAAH! RICKYFRACK IT!" W4 cursed, wiping his hands on his green labcoat. He looked like he was attacked by a wolverine. Mervyn turned to his subadmin. "What happened?" he asked. "Janine Kaphwan threw a deck of 'Triple Triad' cards at Kim as I was walking by. Now I've got papercuts all over!" W4 maliciously spat, bandaging his cut hands with his now green-and-red labcoat. Mervyn winced in sympathy. "Yuck. Sorry to hear that, Woof," he replied. "You know, we should do something about this Triple Triad mess before anyone else gets hurt. Perhaps we could... Um, Woof... why are you grinning evilly? And why do you look shadowy all of a sudden?" W4 fought the urge to laugh maniacally. "Oh... fear not, boss. I know just the thing to put an end to this Triple Triad craze," he explained, then darted off. As he left, he did laugh maniacally. Mervyn let out a long sigh, then turned to Taluna. "Looks like Woof's gone bonkers again," he lamented. "Taluna, I'll have to ask you to scan my emails for email bombs and those messages that just scream 'PSYCHO CRUSHER!' and 'The biyatch must die!' over and over again..." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* "A free Special Edition 'Triple Triad' deck of fifty-two cards?" Kate asked cheerfully as she read the sign leading into the lobby of the Theater of Pain. "Wai! Maybe I'll find more of my favorite card..." Kate was a normal woman in her early twenties, except for the fact that she was dressed like a Lancer from "Final Fantasy Tactics." She carried her favorite lance, Valkyrie, in her left hand and had taken her dragon helmet off, holding it under her right arm. She had short, wavy, reddish-brown hair, and she wore glasses that looked like one of Mousse's pairs. Just then, another person entered the theater. Kate turned to greet the newcomer. "Hi there!" "A 'Triple Triad' player, eh?" Charles asked. "You here for the free cards, too?" He blinked. "And why are you dressed like that?" "I always like to dress up when I play 'Triple Triad'! I'm Kate, by the way." She extended a hand, nearly dropping her helmet in the process. "I'm Charles. Nice to meet you. Someone as cute as you must be a good player," Charles said as he grinned insanely. "But you can't beat my deck!" Charles did what many would have considered impossible and grinned even more widely as he rolled back the sleeve of his bath robe, stuck out his hand, and revealed his cards. "...Five Quistises?" Kate sweatdropped, looking at the cards, each showing Quistis from different angles with different facial expressions. "Isn't that a little... weird?" "Hmph," Charles muttered, "You're a fangirl for Mister Texas, and you think it's weird that I'm a Treppie?" "No," Kate continued. "I just meant it was a little weird that you just had one all-Quistis deck. I mean, I've got five special decks, at least..." She and Charles stopped talking at the sound of someone approaching. Jonatan, wearing casual clothes, strolled into the lobby of the Theater of Pain. "This doesn't look like the public 'Triple Triad' club..." He then looked around and realized, in hindsight, where he was. "Uh-oh. More fanfic MiSTing." "MORE FANFIC MISTING?!?" Kate and Charles yelled. As if in response, the doors in the Theater's lobby locked, shutting them in. Charles took a moment to look around. "Oh, crud," he muttered. "I was hoping it was a dream." The face of the Mad Doctor Kichigaisakka W4 appeared on a nearby large vidscreen. His usually villainous appearance was severly offset by the number of bandages he wore. He looked more like a mad mummy. "W4? What the heck?" Kate asked. Then the sudden realization hit her. "Oh, no. We're really in for it, aren't we?" Meanwhile, W4, noticing that a cute girl was among his victims, started blushing, making him look even goofier than he already did. "My Goddess, we're being hailed by the Invisible Man," Jonatan snickered. "No, I recognize those bandages," Charles said, then grinned. "Healing well, Woof?" "Yes," W4 snickered while trying to use some of his facial bandages to cover his blushing. "It's me. I'm back in the driver's seat, and when this story goes below fifty words per minute, your minds will pop like balloons!" Jonatan rolled his eyes. "Shameless Speed ref." "Funny," Charles muttered, "With Woof, I thought the engine was running, but there was no one driving..." W4 growled, "Save the riffs for later!" "But why do this, W4?" Kate pleaded. "Was it because I didn't hug you enough?" "Whoa..." Jonatan observed, Yarslov-like. "Woofie-boy's nose is bleeding. I thought that only happened in anime." "Because I turned in my RECBT part late?" she continued. "Because you found my secret Akane shrine...uh, whoops..." "What Akane shrine?!" W4 shouted, regaining his composure. "Okay, so you're not really in a joking mood right now..." Kate said, slowly backing away from W4's glare. "Joy. We're stuck making fun of Goddess knows what, with W4 about to snap, and I need my fix of [NOOKIE]. Sweet Jesus, end this now." Jonatan tried to pat him on the back, but Charles turned and snapped at him. "But don't start panicking just yet. Let me bring your fellow prisoners into the fray before I unleash the horrors upon you," W4 said. He then pressed a button, smirking villainously. A moment later, Mark Poa, Ranma X and Signus Megido fell from the ceiling and landed right next to the popcorn machine. Or rather, Mark and Ranma X landed right next to the popcorn machine, and Signus was dunked into the steaming hot bin. "KYAAAAAH!" Signus hopped out of the machine, smoking from head to toe as he was covered in the confection. "What in the...!?!" Ranma X said, flatly, "Woah...what was the number of that steam roller?" Mark looks around him. "Oh, crap!" he cursed. "How the heck did I get here? I knew I shouldn't have taken that left turn in Albequerque." He noticed Signus and Ranma X. "Sig! Ranma X! You're here too?" He paused. "Uh, oh. I have a bad feeling about this." He turned to see the mummified W4 and smacked his forehead. "Great, it's an ImproRoasting again!" "Another one?" Signus frowned, taking in the people assembled. "Who's responsible this time..." His eyes narrowed as his gaze locked with Woofer's on the screen. "...Oh. You." Ranma X got up slowly. "Son of a....Woofer? Again?!...Well, this killed the good mood I was in." "There. Now we have a full house," W4 remarked, pleased with himself. "Oi. Card puns," Kate groaned. Charles, Jonatan, Ranma X, and Signus all looked at her. "Be thankful you weren't here last time," Signus informed her. "What did happen here last time?" Mark asked. "I was off at the FAQing Hostile studio." Sig turned to him. "Trust me. You don't really want to know." "Well, it's nice seeing you guys again, at least." Jonatan scrutinized Signus. "Is it you this time, or is it your dragon pal?" "It's me," Sig replied. "Skrib's been missing for the past few weeks, and I was looking everywhere for him." He dropped off his current train of thought at the sight of the new member. "Why, I don't believe we've met before. I am Signus Megido. And you are...?" "Oh, yeah, I've heard of you," Kate remarked. "I'm Kate." She smiled and waved at Signus, Mark, and Ranma X. "Oi! Ranma X!" Charles waved, "Nice to at least have a partner in darkness sometimes..." Ranma X waved, "You know it. Sig! Mark! You're in the room with the padded walls too?" He laughed and mused about how flat Woofer would be afterwards. "Now don't be hasty," W4 chuckled. "Don't think of this as a forced MiSTing. Think of this as a bet. Yes. A bet is exactly what it is. You see, if you can survive this story with your minds intact, then I will give each of you one of these special edition 'Triple Triad' decks with fifty-two cards." He pulled out six boxes, displaying one card from each box. "What in the name of Him-of-the-Crunchy-Red-Vegetable is a Triple Triad deck?!?" Signus asked, confused. "Wai wai wai! A triple holofoil gold-stamped die-cut glow-in-the-dark Irvine Kinneas card!" Kate cried rapturously. "I would kill for one of those!" Mark edged away from her. He turned to the others. "What's Triple Triad anyway?" The rest looked at him strangely. "Where have you been living these past few months?" Charles asked. "And could you forward me the address?" Sig added. "We might be moving in the neighborhood." "For your information, it is a card game that was derived from the popular game 'Final Fantasy VIII,'" Jonatan explained, trying not to drool at the sight of the cards. "It's a popular game. Haven't you heard of it?" Mark shook his head. "Nope, haven't gotten around to playing FFVIII yet." "Your loss," Jonatan shrugged. "It's a really interesting game with a revolutionary magic system, and the graphic is great, and the backstory is fascinating since it starts off slow instead of having the whole main plot thrust upon you at the very start and--" He realized everyone started at him, except Kate, who was smiling and giving him a thumbs up. "Sorry. Got off on a tangent." Charles' eyes lit up as he saw the card. "Oh. My. Goddess. One of the three Limited Edition Ecchi Quistis cards they made before they fired the guy who approved the design. I'm coming, Quistie-Chan!" Mark, Kate, Jonatan, and RanmaX held Charles back. Signus brushed off his clothes, his brows furrowed in thought. "I wonder... Hey, Shishio, did you know where Skrib could have off gone to?" W4 smirked in reply, "Sore wa himitsu, dragon-boy." Sig facepalmed. Ranma X remarked, while looking at W4, "You are so dead." W4 waved Ranma X off and commented, "Wait in line. Wait in line..." Mark turned to the screen with a grin. "Well, as long as they're free, what's the risk?" "o/ Money for nothing, chicks for free o/" Jonatan sang. Kate glared at him. "Who are you calling a chick?" Jonatan grinned. "No one in particular, QT." She blinked. "Did you just call me Quistis Trepe?" Jonatan stared at her, and blinked in confusion. "What a strange coincidence. Never mind." "Well, you are kinda cu-" Sig stopped himself from continuing, not wanting to be on the business end of a nasty-looking lance for opening his mouth. Kate looked at him oddly, then shrugged and turned her attention back to W4. "But... and this is a very big 'but'... these cards are as safe as if they were in a safe deposit box," W4 explained smugly. "As opposed to an unsafe deposit box?" Jonatan interjected, earning a sharp glare from W4. "I said to save it for later!" Unpertubed, the mad author continued. "For, you see, you will be up against 'Gourrigan's Island: Fear And Loathing In Gourrigan's Island.' Bad spelling. Bad grammar. Bad self-insertion. Bad for you." "'Gourrigan's... Island...'" Signus monotoned. "Gourry... Slayers." His left eye twitched. "I have a strong will, a pure heart, and a really powerful weapon! Bring it on!" Kate yelled defiantly, brandishing her lance. Ranma X looked at Kate with one eyebrow raised. "...Right." "Wait a minute." Mark reached into his pants pocket and took out a canister. "Yep, still got a couple of aspirins left." He pocketed the container. "Okay. I'm ready." "Of all the times to be sober..." Jonatan muttered. "Well, I'll have to wing it." "Nothing! Not rain, sleet, blindness, poison, silence, confusion, berserk, slow, Slow Death, petrification, zombifying, slow petrification, sleep, curses, or a defense cut, will keep me from Quistie-Chan! Let me at that fanfic!" Charles' voice moved toward total determination as he pumped himself up, then ran towards the door of the Theater, only to bounce off of it. "Hmph..." Sig commented to no one in particular as he watched the others head towards the entrances. "Guess I don't have much choice in the matter either, huh?" "Yep, and you can't do anything about it, can you?" W4 gleefully taunted. "We'll see about that, friend." With that, Sig slowly stalked towards the Theater. Slamming down on a bright, red button, W4 taunted, "Just sit right back, and you'll hear a tale that will make your brains go numb, my little Q-tiplets! Buh bye..." Lights started flashing, and the doors leading to the Theater opened. "Drat. I was hoping we could bluff him," Kate said. "Newbie," Ranma X muttered. "Into the valley of death rode the brave six hundred..." Jonatan mused. Charles stared at him. "Dude... Six hundred? What the hell? There are only six of us. And the Valley of Death? It's the Theatre of Bad Fanfiction." Charles walked on, turning the statement over in his head. "WE GOT FANFICTION SIGN!" */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* DOOR SEQUENCE 7: A wall of chocolate pocky. Our protagonists eat their way through. Afterwards, Jonatan mumbles, "Needed catsup." 6: A large bookshelf. Mark lifts the volume that has "This Book Does Not Open A Secret Passage" printed on the spine. The bookshelf swings back. 5: It's a legion of flying monkeys. They grab the MiSTiers and fly them off to the next door. 4: Door 4?! We don't need no steenking Door 4! 3: Charles opens door 3 and leads the others in, leading straight down a deep pit! Our heroes scream as they all accelerate downward at 9.8 m/s^2 and finally land on a giant marshmallow. 2: A horde of assorted denizens of darkness block the way. As you all look on nervously, Signus nonchalantly pulls out a familiar sword hilt, and chanting a familiar... Argh. Let's just say that Sig quickly Giga Slaved the obstacle and be done with it, 'kay? 1: A mime is mimicking opening an invisible door #1. After killing him, you step through the open door. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* > It was the infamous Zelgadis and > disguised Xellos scene from Zelgadis on > the couch. All: Huh?!? RanmaX: The fic's started already? I haven't even sat down yet! Mark: Does anyone here understand that first sentence? (looks at it again) Oh, now I got it. He meant the fic "Zelgadis on the Couch" by the Queen of Swords. Kate: Well, he should have made it clearer. Signus: I believe that this fic will hurt. > Zelgadis walked toward the > supposed nude Lara Sorez with a > garfunkly look on his face. Charles: Garfunkly? As long as we're doing that, Xellos has a smegtastic look on his face, and Lina has a kazoozoozoo look on her face. Jonatan: As opposed to a simony look. Mark [Austin Powers]: It's real garfunkly, baby, yeah! > Lina: Cut! Cut! Cut! Mark: The fic's over? RanmaX: Lina's snapped already? Charles [Xelloss]: Lina, what are you doing with that kniAIIIIIEEEE! > Zelgadis: What is it now Lina? I told > you I want to get this over with as soon > as possible! > > Lara Sorez pulls off her mask to reveal > Xellos. Charles [Xelloss]: And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you MiSTiers! RanmaX: Wait. Xellos is Lara Sorez. Lara Sorenz is nude, and... Oh my God!! Kate: Ugh! (shudders, then notices the others looking at her) Trust me, guys. The idea of Xelloss naked scares me just as much as it scares you. > Xellos: Lina! This nude Lara Sorez > costume is much to hot! Lets have > Gourry play her part I'm taking a > coffee break! Kate: "Let's" take an apostrophe while you're at it. > Lina: Quit whining Xellos! I'm going > for realism (Everyone breaks out laughing.) > in this movie and your the > guy for the part!And Zelgadis try to > look enthusiastic about this! You havnt > found out it's Xellos yet! Kate: Look, more missing apostrophes! Jonatan: Poor Zel. He hasn't havnt yet. Charles: I always enjoy some havnting in the morning. Jonatan: That often? Wow, that's bold. > Zelgadis: That's it! I quit! > Xellos: Me too Lina! I don't want the > evil Zelgadis to rape me! (Everyone facefaults.) Charles: Well, damn. That's one less client for my Erotic Zelgadis-gram. (All Stare.) Charles: What? Everyone's gotta make their money somehow, and I make it by cosplaying Zelgadis and making lo- (Mark thwaps him.) Charles: Lots and lots of package deliveries. ^_^ (Signus taps Ranma X.) Signus: You okay? RanmaX [Jerry Lewis]: The hurting... > Zelgadis: Why you!!!! Jonatan: Attack of the killer exclamation marks! Owowowowow! > Lina: We'll never make this movie if > you two act like this! Mark: It's a poor director that blames her actors, isn't it, Lina? > Suddenly a large fireball rips apart > the set to reveal the usual Gourrigans > Island scenery. Lina looks over to see > a bizarre creature sprawled out on the > beach where the fireball hit. The four > armed creature gets up. It has a horses > main with horns going down it's back > and a metal dustpan with two eye holes > cut through it on it's face. And it's > feat look like chicken legs. Jonatan [Biff]: Are you chicken, McFly? Mark: And what a remarkable feat for it to have chicken legs. RanmaX: Aside from the fact that it had a main horse. Jonatan: It's Rush Limbaugh after a brief swim in the reactor cooling water. > Zelgadis: I've seen a lot of weird > things but this puts all of them to > shame. Charles: You said it, dude. You don't see SIs having feet that look like chicken legs everyday. Kate: And how would you know a self-insertion avatar from a badly-written character? Signus: No difference, really. It's just a gut feeling. > Destructo Dustpan: RanmaX: Available now for not $25, but 4 easy payments of $9.99 Jonatan: I had a Destructo Dustpan once. Kate: Really? Jonatan: Yeah. Damn thing killed my cat and set my couch on fire when I tried to clean with it. > OHOHOHO! You dare > challenge the great Destructo dustpan! > Son of Xelas Metallium and the > monstrous Zoamal Gustar! RanmaX: He takes lessons from the Black Knight in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." Signus [Lina]: What are you going to do? Bleed on me? Kate: Girls who laugh like Naga are common enough. But a guy who does it too? Signus: (Facepalms) I thought I saw everything. Mark: (looks at Charles) Hey, isn't the name of your addy "xellURK-" (gets thwapped by Charles' six and a half dollar stick) Charles: Don't you DARE say that thing is related to me! Mark: (rubs sore part of head) Sorry! > Lina: Wait! That thing sounds like Naga > and it's the son of a dark lord and > Martinas imaginary friend? This isn't > my day! RanmaX: the Fu-? (starts laughing) Signus: Hold on for a minute! What the hell's going on?!? Mark: Relax, kabayan. Take deep, cleansing breaths. Everything will be okay. The pain will go away soon. Jonatan: It's the effect of the SI presence. Remember the one who showed up in GwG? They force people around them to compliment their presence, often saying stupid lines so the SI can throw out their cool lines with greater ease. Kate: So he's an SI, then? Jonatan: 'Fraid so. Kate: Lovely... > Martina: Your the son of ZoamalGustar > sama? How's he been? Can I have his > autograph? > Zelgadis: Wait a minute I thought > Zoamal Gustar wasn't real! RanmaX: Just like this fic. Jonatan: Anyone feel like making a rant about demiurges? (All shake their heads.) Kate: I was wondering when the obligatory Demiurge reference would show up. Signus: Let's just assume everyone knows about "Slayers Demiurge" at http://www.pixelscapes.com/slayers/demiurge/index.html. Charles: *coughcoughURLSlutcough* > Destructo Dustpan: Oh it's you! You must > be that annoying Martina person dad is > always grumbling about. He says you > make him look like Jonatan: Richard Nixon. RanmaX: Don Knotts. > he's not real and he > called you poo head! > Martina: WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!! Lina! Signus [Babyish Martina]: I'm Hungry!! Charles: I just love the maturity level of the characters. > ZoamalGustar thinks I'm a poo head! I'm > so ashamed I'm going to jump off a > cliff! All: Jump! Jump! Jump! > Destructo Dustpan: Just kidding! > > Everyone falls on their faces. (The MiSTers follow suit.) Jonatan: Itai... it does hurt. Mark: Tell me about it. Kate: Oww... why did we follow you, anyway? > Zelgadis: Lina get rid of him! He's ten > times more annoying then Xellos! Get > rid of him! > Lina: Darkness beyond twilight, crimson > beyond blood that flows,etc RanmaX: Screw the actual procedures in spell casting. Signus: Double Double, toil and... ah, screw it. > Destructo Dustpan: Ooooh boy the dragon > slave! Lay one on me right on the face > baby! Kate: He's masochistic? Jonatan: You make that sound like it's a bad thing. Charles: ...no comment. > Lina: DRAGON SLAVE! Don't call me baby! > > A large ball of fire and black magic > hits him ground zero and blows away a > large chunk of the island. But when the > dust clears.... > > Destructo Dustpan: Oooh boy that smarts! RanmaX: Nothing short of a brain transplant will "smart" you. Mark: Well, you should have ducked, Quickdraw McGraw. > Lina: Oh no it didn't work! I'm betting > everything on the Raguna blade! Charles [Dog Track Announcer]: And Raguna Blade is coming in close to the finish. But what's this? A mispelling of Gustav and a dustpan that apparently destroys things overtakes it, and the dustpan wins the race! Jonatan: (makes choking noises) Oh... Gods... OOCness... overwhelming... I can't take this sober. (Jonatan pulls out a bottle and quickly opens it. Before he can take a swig, however, a mechanical hand swoops out of the darkness and grabs it.) W4: (over speakers) Oh no, my little alcohol-consumptionist. You're not getting off that easily. Jonatan: Woof... I warn you. Don't make me have to hurt you. W4: And how would you go about doing that? Jonatan: I warned you. (Takes out a remote and presses a button) W4: AAAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEE! Kate: What did you do to Woofer?! Jonatan: Oh, just dropped a dozen Akane plushies on him. (grabs the bottle as it falls out of the hand's grasp and chugs it) Aah. Better. Kate: You have a devious and warped mind. Jonatan: (happily) Thank you! > Lina conjures up the Raguna blade and > jumps at Destructo dustpan who does > that ninja trick and catches it in his > hands before it touches his face. RanmaX: How very... anticlimactic. Kate: What great use of 'that ninja trick'... > Destructo Dustpan: Yoowwweee this > things hot! Lina there's a slug on your > back! > Lina: EEEEEEEEEK! Mark: (Facepalms) I can't believe he made Lina-sama fall for that trick. RanmaX: I love a good character over-stereotyping. Mark: (looks at Ranma X) Are you serious?! Ranma X: No, but if I say I do, it may help. > Destructo Dustpan trips her and the > Raguna blade fly's out of her hand and > chops a large boulder in half sending > shards of rock flying everywhere! Signus: (deadpan) Incredible. He took a Dragu Slave at "point-blank range," if that was at all possible, caught a Laguna Blade strike with his bare hands, and knows everything about the main characters. Oooh, I'm so scared. Mark: I thought it was common knowledge by now. Signus: If it was, would the series last this long? The villains would be dancing above the heroes' graves before the first season was over. RanmaX: Point taken. Jonatan [Borg]: We are SI. Logic is futile. You will be assimilated, humiliated and made OOC. Have a nice day. > Destructo Dustpan: Hey you guys scene > Michael the red priest? He owes me > money! RanmaX: "Michael the Red Priest," ladies and gentlemen. Mark: I thought there was some rule about people in slayers having odd, cool-sounding names like "Flyxxar the Burgandy Cleric" and "Mold Griffin Grendel." Jonatan: So how did this guy get away with it? RanmaX: Another SI avatar. (groans) > Zelgadis: I don't know where he is! > I'll find him if you'll just leave! Mark [groveling Zel]: Oh, please, oh please please please? With caffeinated sugar cubes on top? Signus [Zel]: Cause I'm Zelgadis, and I'm always pissy and whiny and never cool in a situation! Jonatan: OOC. It's not just an acronym. It's a lifestyle. > Martina: Don't talk that way to him! > He's the son of ZoamalGustar sama! > Xellos: Hey ShabbyBigtoe! > Destructo Dustpan grabs Xellos's face. Jonatan: Behind his face, however, was the visage of a green lizard alien... > Destructo Dustpan: None of you guys > heard what he just said ? > Gourrigan:Your names Shabranigdo? > > Everyone falls over! Signus: (sarcastic) Well, that explains a lot. Charles: Gotta love when a narrative's so enthusiastic about facefaulting. > Lina: Gourry how did you learn to say > that name correctly? (Signus facepalms.) Mark: Or not. > Xellos: No his names ShabbyBigtoe! > Destructo Dustpan is his nick name sorta > like how chaos dragon for Gaav or > Hellmaster for Phibrizzo. His real name > is ShabbyBigtoe! Kate: Destructo Dustpan: Dread Mazoku Lord of the Ingrown Toenail. > Destructo Dustpan grabs Xellos by the > neck. Jonatan [David Attenborough voice]: Despite having claws capable of holding back a Laguna Blade, the rare Dustpan is capable of carrying mazoku without causing more than a few harmless bruises... > Destructo Dustpan: Why do you always > tell that to people? RanmaX: Yeah. Like Destructo Dustpan is so much more impressive. > You were always RanmaX [D. Dustpan]: Mommy's favorite! Charles [D. Dustpan]: Leader of the cheerleading team. > moms favorite! Kate: (looking at Ranma X) How'd you do that? RanmaX: Practice. Way too much practice. > Always picking on me! > Waaaaaaaaah! It's so sad! Kate: (sarcastic) Aww, I hate to see a grown SI cry! RanmaX: So this guy and Xellos are brothers? Mark: Seems like it. RanmaX: I don't see the family resemblance. > Xellos: You big baby! You call yourself Mark: Roustafroshingbeuffenheimerlichtuchsson? Others: Gesundheit! Mark: Thank you. ^_^ > a dark lord! > Destructo Dustpan: That's it Xellos > prepare to die! > > Lina sneaks up and pulls off his > dustpan. There's another one > underneath. She pulls it of again and > again and again until there's a pile of > dustpans on the floor. Signus: Now, let us all laugh insincerely. All: Ha. Ha. Ha. Haha. > Destructo Dustpan: Are you through? > Only Mozoko can remove my dustpan! Signus: Now they're in trouble. Kate: How come? Signus: There are no Mozokos in the party. Jonatan: Mozoko. A rejected Sesame Street character. > Xellos try's to sneak up but Destructo > dustpan pokes his fake Lara Sorez boob > and water sprays out all over Zelgadis. (Charles looks at Jonatan.) Jonatan: What? Charles: I was expecting you to do a hentai riff. > Xellos: That was mean! I spent all day > trying to make this look authentic! > What's that under your arm? > Destructo Dustpan: Oh I almost forgot! > It's a box of lucky plot device charms! > Their magically suspicious! Jonatan: (laughs) Okay, I'll have to give him credit for that one. It was actually fun. RanmaX: (Looks at Jon) No. No, Jon. No. Jonatan: Oh, come on. Sure it was out of context, but it was at least a halfway successful pun. RanmaX: No it wasn't. It's the alcohol talking. > Lina: Plot devices? Wait you aren't a > guest writer? > Destructo Dustpan: Well sort of I > guess... Charles: See? I was right. RanmaX: Unfortunately. > Lina: Unnnngh! Shoot me! just shoot me! Signus: (takes out a plastic rifle) Gladly... Jonatan: We've got better stuff than that! Kate, I choose you! Kate: Do I look like a pokemon to you? > Well, get on with the story! > Destructo Dustpan: Err right! Xellos > and Gourry eat these. > > Xellos resists while Gourry digs in. Mark: Question, but... eat WHAT? Jonatan [Borg voice]: Description is irrelevant, too. RanmaX [Borg Voice]: Telling is superior to showing. > Destructo Dustpan force feeds Xellos. > Suddenly the two of them get all blurry > and fuse together! Jonatan: At the hip! Others: Gack! > Everyone watches as a new horror is born! RanmaX: Windows 2000! (All scream in terror.) > The amalgamated > Xellos and Gourrry has pink hair as > long as Gourrys and squinty eyes like > Xellos. Signus: And... the... others... just... stood... there.... urge... to... cast... Edit... Slave... rising... Charles [Eva voice]: Shatner mode online. > Xourry: Oh wow Lina! Shabadoogeyo made > me get pink hair! How did it get pink? > That must be a secret! RanmaX: Ah..eh0-hus-wha-...ah, forget it... > Destructo Dustpan: By fusing them I've > multiplied they're most annoying > quality's ten fold! Have a nice day I'm > going to go find Michael the red priest > and let the story write itself! > Lina: NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Ive never met such > an irresponsible guest writer! Gourry > was my boyfriend (well, sort of)! We've > got to change him back! Anyone know how > to change him back? All: TRY RE-WRITING!! > Xourry: I do but that's a secret! > Lina: Tell me! Or else it's dragon > slave time! > Xourry: But if you dragonslave me I > might die Kate: You make that sound like a bad thing. Jonatan: Yeah, like a Dragon Slave ever hurt a main character. > and there wont be any point > to finding the cure. Maybe it'll cure > Zalguildos. I'm hungry! I'm going to go > eat everything in out our food supply. Mark [Xourry]: For that is my cheap stereo-type. Kate [Xourry]: I won't say what I ate for that is a secret. > If you need something in it you might > want to get it now. > Zelgadis: Lina we need to find the cure > very quickly! If we don't we'll starve > and our names we'll be forever > mispronounced and the reason their > mispronounced will be a secret! Signus: That's it! (begins casting) Dictions beyond proper grammar, language structure that blows... (Ranma X conks Signus with his Battle Spatula.) RanmaX: Don't even try. We have time to properly punish Woofer later. Signus: (eyetwitch) Mono Volt. (Ranma X dodges in time, leaving a charred seat where he was.) RanmaX: HEY! Jonatan: You know, Skribulous was a lot more forgiving person than Signus. > Amelia walks onto the scene. > > Amelia: Miss Lina who's that? > Xourry: That's either a secret or I > forgot who I am. Jonatan: Story of my life. > Lina: Amelia some weird monster came on > the Island Jonatan: Icky. Mark [Lina]: That's why we're covered in... (Mark gets thwapped by Ranma X's spatula.) RanmaX: (Putting away the spatula) We already have Jonatan for the hentai riffs. Mark: (Rubs sore head) Yeah, yeah, I get the picture. (Grumbles) RanmaX: So... this is Gilligan's Island for Slayers chracters?! Signus: Of course! Zel is the Professor, Gourry is Gilligan, Xellos is the omnipotent being and- uh- wait. That was Star Trek and... > and fused Gourry and Xellos > with a plot device! > Amelia: How very unjust! We must find > this monster and punish him in the name > of Mark: The Moon! Jonatan: Cheese! Signus: Madonna! Charles: Quistis! Kate: Irvine! RanmaX: Foosball! > Justice! Mark: That too. Signus: Suit yourself. > Suddenly a poof is heard and a map > falls out of the sky. It's a map of the > island. RanmaX: Unfortunately, it was in full size, covering the entire island. The heroes were either crushed under the weight, or pinned down and suffered an excruciatingly painful death by starving. The end. Kate: ... Jonatan: Oh, I forgot to tell you. Ranma X here usually handles the "dark" riffs. RanmaX: (stands up and bows) Thank you. I do weddings, funerals, birthdays, barmitzvahs, and Satanic masses. > In the jungle is an X marked > cure! Something's written under the map: Jonatan: "Made in Taiwan." RanmaX: "If Swallowed: Induce Vomiting." Charles: "Some side up." Mark: "What are you looking at?" Kate: "Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate." Signus: How do you spindle something, anyway? > "Lina the cure Charles: So they have Lina the sorceress, and now they're getting Lina the cure? Is this like an anthropomorphic version of collection Triple Triad cards? Jonatan: No, it's Lina, the Cure member. She's going to put on pale makeup and sing bad poetry. >is at the X on the > island. Only Zelgadis can find the > cure. Kate: That's because he's the only one equipped with the "find-cure" ability. Jonatan & Charles: Woo-hoo! Mistress! > The reason why only Zelgadis can > find the cure is a secret. Only one > female person may accompany Zelgadis > and Xourry on this quest. The reason for > that is also a secret. You must battle > pass all the obstacles and perform the > spell for the cure before seven tonight > or Xourry will remain fused. Also > Zelgadis will find his head magically > fused onto Nagas body if the curse > isn't revered by seven tonight." RanmaX: For I am Pulling this out you know WHERE!! Mark: I don't want to know WHERE on Naga's body it'll end up... Jonatan: Mind you, some people might enjoy that fate. > Zelgadis: What are you people waiting > for? Lets get going! > Lina: Agreed but something seams > strange.... Kate [Lina]: I think we're caught in a crappy fanfic. Charles: That one never gets old. RanmaX: It never gets new, either. Kate: Gimme a break, guys, I'm still getting used to this. > Zelgadis: Who cares! I don't want to be Jonatan: The president of America! (sings) You say smile, I say cheese, Cartier, I say please... > Naga! Come along Xourry we need to find > your cure! > Amelia: Yes! I Amelia Wil Telsa of > Serun shall accompany you in the name > of Justice! We shall smite evil and > save Mr. Xourry! RanmaX: Oh, God. I'm getting 'Sailor Justice says' flashbacks... > Lina: Sorry Amelia but your staying! > I'm going with Zelgadis and Xourry > because I have allot of cool attack > spells and all you have are justice > rants! Signus [Lina] My bad spelling and grammar will overcome all the obstacles! > Amelia: BUT MISS LINNNNAAAA!!!!! (Everyone covers their ears.) Kate: Ack! Annoying whine alert! > Lina: And stop calling me miss Lina! Kate [Amelia]: Okay, Miss Lina. > Lets go! > Narrator: And so our brave but > disgruntled heroes set out to find the > magical cure before it's to late! But > it's already 5:00! Will they make it in > time! RanmaX: We can only hope their inhumanely high metabolism causes them to starve to death. > Lina: Fireball! > Narrator: ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!! (There was a sound of a resounding crash in the distance.) Mark: What was that? RanmaX: I'd say the Fourth Wall. W4: (over speakers) Damn it! And we just reinstalled it today! > Lina: Those stupid narrators get on my > nerves! > Xourry: Mr. Zequadis, what will you do > if you get fused on Naga? > Zelgadis: Shut up! Charles [Zelgadis]: And who's this Zequadis person you keep talking to, anyway? Mark: Perhaps he's an Indian? Charles [Christopher Columbus]: I claim this land in the name of Spain! Jonatan [Zequadis]: How. Charles [Christopher Columbus]: Well, I stick this flag in the ground, and... > Xourry: But Mr. Zangulus! Your life > will be ruined! You'll need to shop for > girlie underwear and it'll ... RanmaX: Is he just throwing in EVERY SINGLE extra from the series!? Charles: Yeah. Next thing you know, Vrumugun will show up for no apparent reason. Jonatan: I thought Lina annihilated all of those? Charles: Continuity, Jon? Jonatan: Sorry. Reflex. > Zelgadis tries to throw a punch at > Xourry but he uses Xellos's disappearing > power and appears in front of Zelgadis! > > Xourry: And you wont even get to say > it's a secret! Jonatan: Victoria's Secret, even. > Lina: Come on you guys lets just find > the cure and get it over with! > > They come to a clearing in the jungle. > Lina looks at the map. Kate [Lina]: Okay, so where's the "you are here" dot? > Lina: Hmmmm it should be around here > somewhere! Now where's that X? Signus [Will Shatener/Zelgadis]: It's... overthere by... that W, and, Y. Mark [Shatner]: SpoOooOOoCk! > Xourry: That's a mfshos-- > > Zelgadis puts his hand over Xourrys > mouth. > > Xourry: I'm hungry! (chomp)! Owwww! > Zelgadis: Gee I'll have to thank Rezo > for the skin when we get back. Jonatan: "Thanks for the skin." That'd be an odd birthday card, I must say. Charles: I've gotten a few of those in my time. RanmaX [Zelgadis]: Rezo's curse is the basis for all my angst and torment in my short, painful life. Having it come handy in petty situations is more than enough to compensate for that! Signus: Ouch. > Lina starts to dig by an X that > Zelgadis stepped on but then something > runs out at her! It's Yogi bear but > he's a zombie! Flesh is rotting off his > bones. Mark: And Hanna-Barbera was never be the same again. Jonatan [Yogi]: Hey Boo-boo, fetch me my arm. It fell off again. > Yogi: Give me your picnic basket of > give me your souls! Kate: "A picnic basket of give me your souls?" Charles: Must be a new breakfast cereal. Mark: Now with Soylent Green Clovers! > Lina: DIL BRANDO! > Xourry: DIL PICKLES! Signus: Damn! He beat me to it! Charles: Heh. Self-riffing. Who woulda thought? > The zombified yogi bear gets blown up > and pickles rain down on his corpse > which Xourry eats!More Zombified Hanna > Barbara characters appear. Lina > finishes digging out a box and they run > inside a spooky looking mansion that > conveniently appeared. Jonatan [Robot from 'Lost in Space']: Danger, Lina Inverse! Danger! RanmaX: So there's a zombified Huckleberry Hound, Snagglepuss, Fred Flinstone... Signus: Augie Doggie, Scooby Doo, Velma. Mark: Velma was already a zombie. Charles: Don't say that! I like Velma! (Sweatdrops) RanmaX: Right. Jonatan: Anyone read "The flies from Shaggy?" It really changes your view of Scooby Doo. Heh, heh, heh. > The Zombies are > all outside led by Michael Jackson > himself! RanmaX: I knew it! He was too pale to be normal. Just thought he had a sex change and a blackendectomy. > Lina runs up the stairs with > Zelgadis and Xourry. At the top room > they find a man who looks suspiciously > like Charleton Heston has the door > locked. Heston lets them in. RanmaX [Heston]: Join the NRA or Die! Signus: Yeah, Heston trapped then in a room so he can do his old lines from "Planet of the Apes." Mark: But... the door was locked. So how do they know what he looks like... my head hurts. (Takes out an aspirin and dryswallows it) Jonatan: Uh-oh. Kate: Must not think. Must not think. > Lina > looksout the window to see the zombies > trying to get in. Heston turned on some > lights on his house and the zombies > backed off. Charles: Of course. A mansion. Surrounded by Zombie Hanna Barbera characters. Led by the only pop singer ever to get a Emergency Blackectomy. And Charlton Heston runs the mansion. Signus: This is getting ridiculous. Mark and Jonatan: GETTING? RanmaX: (looks at Signus) Aren't we the master of the obvious... Signus: Mono- RanmaX: Elemekia Lance! (Fries Signus) Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... > Michael Jackson shouts: Come out > Neville! Jonatan [Michael]: We're late for the orgy! OW! (looks down at the lance protruding from his chest) Aw, and I just bought this shirt... Kate: (retrieves her lance) Serves you right. Signus: (bigsweats) Thank Lina that wasn't me. > Zelgadis had a thought. Charles: Then Lina pawned it to afford dinner. Mark [Zelgadis]: Did I remember to lock up my Abba collection before I left? > Zelgadis: Lina... I think that dustpan > monster is trying to parody the movie > Omega man. It had Charleton Heston > fighting zombies... > Lina: Not now Zelgadis it's 6:55! We > need to cast the spell now! Jonatan [Maze]: It's time to summon Duelgar! > Xourry: But I'm hungry! Why don't you > and Mr. Zack just leave me like this! Charles: Zac is in this fic? Kate: That Zacque is in every fic these days... Mark: Hey, you can't deny that Zakkk is a good name. > Lina: Were casting the spell whether you > like it or not! Charles: Believe me, lady. I don't. > Lina takes something out of the box. Signus: What? What? RanmaX: Description my ass. Who needs that junk? > There is a book of songs from Urusei > Yatsura and two tiger striped bikinis! Jonatan: Meaning that somewhere, Lum is naked. Signus: Please, let's not go there... > The instructions say "To reverse the > fused condition to of the fused persons > friends must put on these magical > bikinis and sing the Urusei Yatsura > song from the end of movie 5." Charles: I just love Magica Obscura. Jonatan: I don't. It's a lousy way to get girls. > Lina hands one to Zelgadis. Kate: So THAT'S why they were only allowed to bring one female. RanmaX: Let us all laugh unhumorously. All: Ha. Ha. Ha. Haha. Charles [Writing Announcer from Monty Python]: And it looks like he put some thought into the future of the plot! What a surprising development! Signus: But... But... What about Martina? Or Amelia? Or... Jonatan: Don't think too hard on it. > Lina: Put it on! > Zelgadis: NO! Anything but that! Mark [Zelgadis]: Don't you have one in pink instead? > Lina: If you don't do it You'll be > wearing this sort of thing for the rest > of your life! Is that what you want? Jonatan [Zelgadis]: H-how did you figure it out? RanmaX: Zelgadis. The Ed Wood of Slayers Characters, ladies and gentlemen. Signus: Logic... Head... hurts... (Signus collapses on the floor.) W4: (over loudspeakers) BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! One down! > Zelgadis: All right but if anyone hears > about this whoever tells will have hell > to pay! Charles [demonic cashier]: Sorry. We only accept souls, hellfire and all major credit cards. > Xourry: All right it's a secret Mr. > Zoogegadis! > Zelgadis: All right lets do this! (Signus gets up.) Signus: Hah! The fool! Xourry only promised to Zooegadis, not ZELgadis! (Everyone else blinks in surprise.) Kate: Nice recovery. Signus: (Kim Kaphwan Smile #4565) Sorry for making you worry. I'll manage. W4: (over loudspeakers) Damn. > They both dress up in the bikinis. The > Hanna Barbara zombies break in. RanmaX: Little pieces. Jonatan [Johnny Bravo]: Braaaaa... (looks at Lina) Hey, baby! Wanna see me comb my hair really quickly? (makes rapid-fire Kung-Fu noises) > Zelgadis shouts: What are you people > looking at? Fireball!" KA-BOOM! Lina: > Man Zelgadis dressing up in a bikini > makes you act like me! Charles: Hmm... She isn't talking to Zel, but she can't mean the audience... Agh... Jonatan: Dude, remember what happened to Arlieth when he tried to make sense of "Homestrike?" Charles: (nods) They cleaned up his brains with a mop. Gotcha. Signus: Yeah. I almost went there myself... > Lets start > singing! Kate: ~o/Whenever sang my songs, on the stage, on my own.../o~ (Mark claps his hands in applause. Kate takes a bow.) Jonatan: Okay. o/Hate is very, very bad... o/ RanmaX: NOT THAT SONG! (leaps into the air and down on Jonatan, pounding him into the ground) Goddammit. (returns to his seat) Jonatan: x_x > Nevil and the remaining zombies watch > in amazement as they start singing! > (Subtitles Japanese language) > > I climbed onto the roof: Okujoo ni > nobotte > and was looking down on Saturday: Jonatan: Because Saturday was taking her clothes off. (All stare at him.) Kate: How did you get back up? Jonatan: That's a secret. [Kate clocks him in the head with the flat of her spear.] Kate: That's for the Xelloss crack. > doyoobi no hodoo ga > The patchwork on this roads keep on RanmaX: (singing) Being repaired... > going :Tsugihagi no hodoo ga > just like a gameboard. :gameban mitai > ni tsuzuku yo. Charles: So they have bad roads laid out in either a big one way squiggle, or a big connecting box? Gotta love wacky Japenese city designers. Kate: Konichiwa kappa Nintendo, Wai, ne? Signus: Huh?... "Hello frog man heaven way?" Kate: (shrugs) Hey, it's been two and a half years since my last Japanese course. Mark: I think this is supposed to be lyrics from the original anime series, paired with the translations. Signus: Oh. Nakakainis, no? Mark: Oo nga, nakakalito rin, kabayan. (Everyone else blinks at the two.) Kate: Is that Martian-speak or something? Mark: ^_^ > Don't laugh it just messes me up: RanmaX: (singing) I doubt you're as messed up as the fic is. Charles [B1FF]: St0p l4ugh1ng!1! 1 c4n't do 1t if y0u k33p laugh1ng 4t m3! Jonatan: POINT! AND! LAUGH! (All point and laugh at Lina and Zelgadis.) > Warawanaide ne mune mo doko ka ga > the rhythm in some part of my heart: > rythm o midashiteiru dake. > To a girl who can see no-no-no— Signus: I'm terribly curious about what "no-no-no" would actually look like. > Mieru ko > ni wa no-no-no- > There are things that can be scene RanmaX: (singing) Though there are things which cannot be "seen." > :mieru koto ga aru yo. > If I threw popcorn into the blue sky Charles: I'd get kernels wedged in my eye. So I don't do that. > :Aozora ni popcorn nagete > and made it snow, yuki o furasetara > Oh would you think it was wonderful ? Kate: No. I'd just tell you it was a waste of perfectly good popcorn. > :kitto oh kimi ga suteki do to omou > I wonder if I can say : Minna suki kirai > if I like something or not ? > :iya na > koto wa iya to ieru ka na? > I laid my cheek on the icey rail Mark: And got stuck. RanmaX: Ouch. > :Hiekitta tesuri ni > and held my breath. :hoo o tsuke iki o RanmaX: That bit of Japanese meant "My face is turning blue." Kate [digital video game voice]: All your face are belong to us. > tometa. > The buildings all look aslant : > Tachinarabu buitachi Jonatan: There go those city designers again... > as if their sleeping : neteru yoo ni > mieru yo naname ni. > It'll be a different world once you Jonatan: Change your underwear. > wipe your tears: Jonatan: That too. > Namida fuitara chigau > sekai ne. > Wait for me in the middle of your RanmaX: Street. Maybe this time the cars won't miss. > smile.: Egao no tochuu de mattete > To a girl who understands no-no-no- Charles: Give her a kick. The needle's jumped. Ranma X: No means no, Jon. > :Wakaru ko ni wa no no no Charles: Thank you. > there are things to be understood RanmaX: Like "What REALLY goes on in Area 51?" Signus: (evil grin) You really want to know? > :Wakaru koto ga aru yo > Hey tomarow must be : Nee ashita nante > just a continuation of now Mark: Hmm... Isn't the day after usually a continuation of the previous day? RanmaX: That's tomorrow, not tomarow. > :kitto ima no > tsuzuki da ne. > Oh, the clouds must become rain someday Charles: She knows this, but not basic concepts like "Today" and "Tomorrow?" Christ. > :Kumo ga oh itsuka ame ni naru dake sa > There are times when you just do what > you can: Minna suki kirai > whether you like it or not. RanmaX: Yeah?! Well "Minna suki irai" yourself! Kate: Like what we're doing, perhaps? > :yareru > toki wa yareru sore wa dake sa > Even in such a high place as this : RanmaX: My hips are too big. > Konna takai basho datte > the stars all number the same. :hoshi > no kazu nara onaji da yo. > > Lina: Man that song was long but we Charles: Managed to make this fic much longer, thus giving it an illusion of having any content at all. Mark: Damn! Signus: (Looks at Mark) Why? Mark: I wanted to be the one to say that. (Grumbles) > finished just in time! > Zelgadis: Lina I haven't been this > humiliated since (All dogpile Jonatan.) Jonatan: (muffled) ...damn. > chapter four of Zelgadis > on the couch! > Xellos: Oh don't be so hard on yourself! Charles: It's not like he can help it. (Ranma X attempts to pound him flat) The hell?! RanmaX: No hentai riffs from you! Charles: That was hentai? (rereads the scene) Oh, God. Jonatan: All right! Another conversion! > You did very well Zelgadis! Jonatan: So who is this "very well Zelgadis?" (*SLAM!* *CRUNCH!* *POW!* *TROUT!*) Jonatan: But it's so easy! ^_^ > Zelgadis: If you tell anyone about this > I'll do everything in my power to make > you pay! Mark: I'll even call in the bill collection agencies! Your interest rates will skyrocket! > They had forgotten about the Hanna > Barbara zombies and were now surrounded. Signus: Like it's so easy to forget several dozen zombified toons circling you. W4: (over speakers): Or the zombified Secret Squirrel right behind you? (Signus leaps forward, turns around, and sees nothing. He glares at the loudspeaker.) Signus: That wasn't funny. > Magilla Gorilla jumped at Zelgadis who > chopped his head off with his sword, > spewing blood all over! Jonatan: (Heartrenderingly) NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I liked Magilla Gorilla... waah... (sniffles) Kate: There, there... it's just a fanfic. Don't let it get to you. Jonatan: But... yeah. Thanks. (wipes his tears and sits back up) > Lina: Get back everyone it's > dragonslave time! Signus: Wow! I like this Lina. She's OOC, but at least she WARNS people that she's going to use the Dragon Slave. > Darkness beyond > twilight crimson beyond blood that > flows etc... Dragonslave!!!!!!! Mark: Another fine example of "Shortcuts to Spellcasting." > Lina blows away all the zombies! The > flaming head of Scrappy doo crashes > through the roof of Amelias hut, > landing in front of a naked Amelia. All: ... Kate: Gratuitious nudity, anyone? Jonatan: (looks carefully) It's true. She IS related to Naga. See those telltale lines? Charles: But she's like... twelve! Jeez. Signus: (eyetwitch) This is sooo... wrong... Jonatan: Think about it. If she's got that figure at twelve, what will she have at eighteen? Kate: Severe back problems. (Rimshot.) > Amelia: > EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! > > Later on Lina, Jonatan: "Later on Lina?" Now that's just... I'm feeling redundant. Charles: So just regular self-riffing wasn't enough for this fic? Now it adds hentai riffs. > Zelgadis and company > show up by the huts. > > Xellos: I know a secret about Zelgadis > everyone! > Zelgadis: Shut up!!!!!!!!! > > Destructo dustpan sits out on the beach > and he has a psychiatry couch with him. Mark [tough voice]: He's got a couch, and he's not taking any prisoners. Coming this fall... All: A CALL TO ARMCHAIRS! Mark: Fear the furniture. > On the couch was an action figure of > EVA unit one. > > Martina: Dustpan sama! what are you > doing with that couch? (Kate glares at Jonatan.) Jonatan: What? I wasn't going to say anything! What were you thinking? Hmmm? (Kate blushes and slumps down in her seat.) > Destructo Dustpan: I'm analyzing > Hellmasters psychology. A peice of him > got stuck in my unit one action figure. > So Hellmaster how do you feel about your > mother the Lord of Nightmares? RanmaX [Hellmaster ala surly teen]: She doesn't give me SPACE, man... > Hellmaster: She scares me! > Destructo dustpan: Is that why you > scream like a little wussy whenever > shes around? Mark [Hellmaster]: No. I do that all the time. Signus [Hellmaster]: Just for kicks. > Hellmaster: What kind of psychologist > are you? Your just making fun of me! Charles: That's what psychologists do for a living. > Destructo Dustpan: That's because your > what Shinji Ikari would be like if he > was an all powerful Dark Lord and that's > why your my least favorite slayers > character and that's why I'm tormenting > you Muhahahaha! Kate: Would you like some suds to go with that soapbox you're standing on? > Hellmaster: Hey you wanna fight? Signus: Ah, I see. This is the bit where the SI singlehandedly beats up a regular cast member to show how much of a badass he is. Kate: But it's just an action figure. Signus: Yup. Shows how much of a badass he is. > Destructo Dustpan womps him over the > head with one of his dustpans. Mark: Hey! How dare he abuse a perfectly good action figure like that! > Destructo Dustpan: But your such a tiny > piece you cant hurt me Nyah nyah! > > Suddenly Xelas Metalium and the Lord of > Nightmare pop out of nowhere. Charles [L-Sama]: Xelas, every ounce of my being burns for your touc- *pop* HEY! DO YOU MIND?!? Signus: >_< At least this one isn't the "Lord of Nightmares." > Hellmaster: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! It's her! > I'm scared EEEEEEEEEEEK! > DestructoDustpan: Stop screaming in my > ear you wussy boy! (wham!) > Hellmaster: Unnnggh > L-sama: Oh hello there dustpan. Xelas > and I were having revealing photos taken > of us for Dark lords illustrated down Charles: That must be an interesting magazine. Jonatan: It is, it is! (hands him a magazine) This month's centerfold is Diva of the Bugrom Empire... Mark: @_@ Charles: My God, is that Karla the Witch? Wearing... um... can I borrow this? > on the other side of the beach and I > lost the keys to my Ford. Have you scene > them around? > DestructoDustpan: Nope haven't scene them! RanmaX: That's because they're not in the movie, dingbat! > L-sama walks over and starts playing > with the action figure whos screaming > like a little girlie man. Charles: We all know how beautiful, omnipotent, everlasting beings love mecha figurines... Signus: (eyetwitch) The fic, Mister, riff the fic, not the riffers. > Martina runs > up to Xelas. > > Martina: You know Zoamal Gustar sama? Kate [Xelas]: No, but I know Zoamel Gustav... > Xelas makes a funny face. Jonatan: Like this? ^_^ Kate: Maybe like this? ;) Mark: Check this one out! O&/@ Charles: Doesn't that hurt like hell? Mark: ...yes. > Xelas: ShabbyBigtoe! I told you never to > tell anyone about that! > > The rest of the slayers cast comes out Jonatan: Of the closet. > to see what's going on. > > Lina: Hey I've been meaning to ask you > some questions Xelas.... > > A man who looks just like Ryoji Kaji > comes up and puts his hands over Xelas's > eyes. Signus: So this is an EVA/Slayers crossover? Jonatan: Gods, not another one... Signus: (raises an eyebrow) ANOTHER one? Jonatan: Don't ask. You'll suffer less. Signus: (mutters) And here I thought the Ranma/EVA crossovers are enough... > Xelas: What the?.... who dares put their > hands on the face of the great beast? Jonatan: And what a beast! Rowwr... > Zoamal Gustar: It's been a long time > Xelas! > Xelas: No not you!!!! Zoamal Gustar! > > Everyone else falls over and Lina gets > up. Charles: While the rest inhale sand and die a slow painful death. > Lina: Wait... your Zoamal Gustar? I > always thought Martina made you up! > Zoamal Gustar: No Lina as you can see > I'm quite real! Remember the mecha golem > Martina had witch Kate [Lina]: Who are you calling a witch? I'm a *sorceress!* (All look at her oddly.) Jonatan: Semantic nonsense! Kate: There's a huge difference! Signus: Ladies and gentlemen, the Final Fantasy 6 sketch. > you blew up? I was > trapped inside of there! I was able > send telepathic messages to influence > Martina but she wasn't smart enough to > figure out how to let me out. RanmaX: You're one to talk. How did you manage to get yourself trapped in there in the first place?!? > Martina: Now wait a just a second... > Zoamal Gustar: In any case Lina if you > hadn't released me I never would of met > Xelas honey and I would of been trapped > forever! I owe it all to you! > Xelas: Zoamal Gustar! Going out with you > was the biggest mistake in my life! > Lina I'll get you for this! I will have > my Revenge! Mark: Not just an ordinary revenge, but Revenge! > Zoamal Gustar: Oh I didn't notice you > over there Xellos! I hear good things > about you! RanmaX: I dare you to name five of them. Signus: Five? You're too kind. > Xellos: Well ummmm.... > Zoamal Gustar: So tell me Is Xelas still > wild in bed? Charles: (Yelling at screen) And how! You wouldn't believe some of the stuff a goddess can do! (All Stare.) Kate: How is this possible? Not only does Gustar look like Kaji, but he rips off lines from him too! Signus: Lousy author with lack of any good ideas. Work out the math. > Everyone contorts into a weird freaked > out position and Xelas turns bright red. > > Xelas: This isn't happening! It's a > nightmare! All: (groaning) We know... we know... > Xellos starts to answer but Xelas > covers his mouth. > > Xelas: Xellos cant you keep a secret? > > One day later Charles [Xelloss]: Still thinking. Hmm... can I keep a secret? I think I'll have to use another lifeline. > Zelgadis: Hey dustpan! Why are you > still here? You aren't planning to > dress me up again? Because if you are... Signus [Zelgadis]: I'd really prefer the purple chiffon one this time. > Destructo Dustpan: That's a secret! No > actually it isn't. The reason I'm still > here is this story hasn't ended yet! > Zelgadis(deadpan): what?........ > > Zangulus is listening in and grabs > Zelgadis by the arm pulling him behind > a tree. Jonatan: I'm not a yaoi fan, so you can stop holding your breaths. > Zangulus: Zelgadis I'm worried about > Martina.... Ever since yesterday she's > been acting strangely. She Wouldn't > sleep with me last night and she keeps > on talking about Lina. Jonatan: So, that means that... hee hee hee. ^_^ > Zelgadis (deadpan): what?......... She > wouldnt sleep with you? Now I'm scared! Mark: Doesn't Zelgadis always deadpan? Charles [Zangulus]: Ah, don't worry about it. I boinked Amelia instead. Jonatan [Zelgadis]: Well, I guess that ma- WHAT?!? > Lina walks out to go get something to > eat and suddenly Martina pops out of > the bushes with some burgers. She's > dressed like Lina. > > Martina: Lina sama! I got you your lunch! Kate [Lina]: What?! YOU HAVE MY LUNCH! Fiend! Give it back now! FIREBALL! > Lina: Errrr..... thanks Martina... Why > the generosity? You didn't put something > in these burgers? And why are you > dressed like me? Ranma X: Because Martina watched "Single White Female" last night. > Martina: Of course I didn't put anything > in the burgers! Lina now that I know you > rescued Zoamal Gustar Sama I'm going > to be your ally, protector, protege and > all around best friend from now on! > I'll never leave your side Lina sama! Signus: Oddly enough, I can see this happening... > Xellos is following DestructoDustpan > around trying to pull of his mask. > > Xellos: Come on cant you give a guy a > break? I just wanna see if you got > wrinkles! > DestructoDustpan: If you give a guy a > break you'll end up broken! (pow!) Mark: So he's a Lina-zoku-gelion... Jonatan: (blinks) Come again? > Xellos gets knocked down the beach. > > To be continued............................... Signus: Okay, let's all scream. All: AAAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! W4: (snickers, over loudspeakers) If only I could have that sound to lull me to sleep at night... Signus: Now didn't that feel good? Jonatan: No, I've gone hoarse. Kate: THROAT. HURT. RAGE! Mark: ...I think my eardrums are busted. (All exit the theater.) */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* The victims of the MiSTing trudged wearily out of the theater, reeling from the psychological equivalent of a bitch-slap. Mark opened his canister of Aspirin. He found it emptier than an ice cream store in Pluto. "Darn!" he cursed. "I need something for this headache." Jonatan handed him his bottle. "Here," he offered. "Maybe this'll help." "Thanks." Mark took one swig from the aforementioned bottle. "Whew! That's good stuff. Oh-oh." Mark felt his face turning red. His ears felt like they were burning. Smoke started coming from them. Jonatan looked at him strangely. "You can't hold liquor very well, can you?" Mark just shook his head, already feeling woozy. "Amateur," scoffed Jonatan. Ranma X looked rather sullen. He wasn't saying much, and his head was noticably twitching in 5-second intervals. Kate, in the meantime, contemplated the fun things she could do to W4 when she saw him again. None of them involved hugging, and most of them involved target practice. Charles just held his arm over his stomach and shambled like the walking dead. He mimicked carrying a old west revolver in each hand, saying something about W4 not being his favorite deputy anymore. Strangely enough, Signus seemed calm. The sight of him unnerved the others. The Mad Dr. Kichigaisakka W4, still bandaged and now up to his torso in Akane dolls, glared at the party in the viewscreen. "So," he asked with no small hint of malice in his voice. "How are your so-called brains?" "Still fine, I guess. Why're there two of you, W4?" Mark asked, mind reeling from the effects of the alcohol he ingested. "My God, that was a stupid fic," Jonatan muttered. "I haven't felt so insulted since 'Crimson Chronicles.' But..." He grinned widely. "...still as sane as when I entered here!" "Which isn't saying much," Charles muttered. Ranma X looked at W4 and smiled oddly. He either looked like he was going to cry or go insane. "That was rather....fun, I think." Mark and Jon sweatdropped listening to the tone of his voice. "You okay?" Signus asked. Ranma X nodded and pulled out a bottle of Jolt from his jacket, looking at the viewscreen and smiling. "That's good to hear," Signus nodded, eyes narrowing as he slowly walked in a circle around Ranma X. "Okay, W4, you've had your bit of fun," Kate said. "Now gimme Irvine, or would you like to become better acquainted with my lance?" "Did she just get a lot more violent after watching that fic?" Charles asked quietly. Jonatan shrugged. Tuning his gaze to the screen, Charles frowned at the image of W4. "Do we get our cards yet? I mean, you've just given us the fanfic equivalent of a Nut Punch, and we're all no less sane than how we went in..." "No kidding," Signus added, flexing his fingers. "Mmmm-hmmm. Well, even though you look pretty defeated to me, and Ranma X looks like he's two steps shy of going postal, a deal is a deal. You haven't been rendered insane... well, any more so than usual... so I guess I'll have to give you the cards." "Swell. You got some aspirin with that?" Mark asked. "I'm not here for the cards in the first place," Signus replied offhandedly, "But any information on Skribulous' whereabouts would be nice." W4 continued, "I was just about to get to that." Having said that, he pulled out a golden pokeball and openend it. Skrib the dragon flew through the vidscreen and into the theater. It blasted Jonatan with some goop-like substance. It then flew back through the vidscreen and returned into the pokeball. "Euuyuck!" Jonatan exclaimed, looking thoroughly disgusted. "Yuck, yuck, yuck! I really, really hate this." He aimed a malicious glare at the screen. "Any particular reason you're trying to turn me into a Urotsukidoji extra? Man, these clothes are RUINED..." He nabbed a convenient towel and tried to clean himself up. Signus gaped in horror. "Wha... you... you... you..." W4 smirked. "How'd you like my new Pokemon?" "BASTARD!!!" Signus screamed. "No need to thank me, Signus. The smile on your face is all that I need," W4 grinned back. Mark looked from Jonatan, to W4, then to Signus fuming at W4. "Yep, I'm already drunk, I guess," he decided. Charles brought his voice up several octaves. "Scrib! Dragon Phlegm attack!" Signus turned to Charles, a disturbingly cheery expression on his face. "You know, my good man, I could just KILL you for that remark, but I'll let it slide for now. We should set our priorities straight, right?" With that, Sig turned to W4. "I'll get you for that one, you madman. You'll see." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* And somewhere else, Madsman sneezed. */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* The Mad Dr. Kichigaisakka W4 sighed in relief. "There. Now that I got THAT out of my system, I guess I'll open up the theater. The Secretary shall give you your prizes. I'd haunt you and taunt you some more, but I must heal. So blah blah when next we meet yakety scmackety pain and stuff." The screen shut down, and the doors to the theater opened. A blonde bombshell sauntered into the theatre and handed each of the six now-released captives a specialized deck of Triple Triad cards. Kate immediately found her prize card and stared at it for a good five minutes. "Irvine-sama," she sighed gleefully. Charles looked at his sought-after card and nosebled. He quickly stuffed it up a sleeve of his bathrobe. "Ah, Quistis," he remarked with a grin. "We shall never part!" Jonatan snatched his deck and rifled through it. "Pretty cards, pretty cards... hmm. Worthless, worthless, Elastoid, Shiva, worthless, Eden, Get out of jail, Chocobo, The World, and... ooh!" He oohed. "An Edea card, too. Cool!" Mark searched his deck. His attention fell on one particular card. "Hey, W4, you jackass! This is a Two of Clubs from a regular deck!" "Hey! I got a King of Hearts!" Charles added. "My deck has two regular Bicycle playing cards," complained Signus. The secretary shrugged unapologetically. "Feh! I can't help it if you got some random duds. Every deck of 52 cards probably has one or two in them. Be grateful that you survived!" Concluding, she turned on her heel and walked off. Ranma X looked at his deck. Indside were colorful pictures of people reminiscient of FF8 characters. He shrugged and started looking at the deck. "How do you play this thing again?" Everyone looked at him oddly. Ranma X smiled and thought, "Well, if I don't learn this game, I can always sell the cards to these suckers." Ranma X pulled out a card which caught his attention. "Hmmm," he muttered. "A Jinsaku Nagaoka card." He began to read the back of the card as Signus and Charles looked over his shoulder. "No matter how this card is played, it always deals..." The three men read in unison, "50. Goddamn. Points. Of. Damage." Kate finally sorted through the rest of her deck. "What the hell? A Destructo Dustpan card? What's this doing here?" She held it out to the others. "Anybody wanna trade?" The rest of the guys immediately became extremely interested in their own decks. "Very funny," she muttered. "So," Mark asked. "Should we look for Woofer, or should we play cards? I think the alcohol is wearing off now." Jonatan shrugged. "I came here to play cards, so..." He wiped off some of the goo off his hands. "Then again, I have a sudden urge to hurt a special someone. Either way is fine with me." "Ehh, let's play," Kate suggested. "W4 can wait. It gives us more time to think of fun things we can do to him!" She smiled sweetly. "But let's go somewhere else," Charles said. "I don't want to stay in here a minute longer." "Agreed," stated Signus. "But first..." Ranma X raised an eyebrow as Signus turned to him. "What?" Signus grinned maliciously. "This is for that spell you toasted me with. EXPLODER!" There was a brief flash, and a column of fire erupted from Ranma X's feet, carrying him skywards until he slammed to the roof. A charred Ranma X fluttered to the ground. "...ow." Jonatan patted Signus' back. "You really need to calm down, dude. I mean, so what if Skribulous is in W4's clutches?" Signus' eyebrow twitched. "..." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Hours later, after everyone left the Inde Madnesse Studios, Ranma X looked around. Huddled in a fetal position, he twiched and said solemnly, "I will get my revenge, W4. Oh, yes. I will get my revenge." Eeerie, ominous music played. He stood up and said "But first, I'm going to the Beware the Radish studio to tell them to turn down the music." */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* Authors' notes: Chaobino: Agh. Not some of my best work. It really is hard to riff a fic like this. Give me "High Stakes" any day! Anyways, I think we managed to do what we could, considering our material. I'll probably skip on Thinker's, though. And thanks to the reader and all that. Jonatan: Well, wasn't that fun? Riffing is always so relaxing. Although I do have to say that riffing plain bad fics isn't very much fun. You don't get as much opportunity to make good riffs. And I dislike having to resort to grammar riffs and plain "This is stupid!" riffs. Still, a fun time was had. Hasta! Kate Malloy: Whee! My very first riffing! Wai! Twas a lot of fun. I'm still getting used to the whole MSTing routine, but I don't think I did too bad a job. ^_^ Can't wait 'till next time. Seeya, gang! No, I can't think of anything more profound to say. If you want profound, you don't go to the Authors' Notes of a fic riffing. :P Mark Poa: Honestly, this roasting caught me at a very bad time. What with finals getting near and all that. Plus, I am already in danger of flunking one of my subjects. @_@ On the other hand, getting to riff someone else's fic is a great way to get rid of frustrations! ^_~ Real therapeutic stress reliever. :P Anyway, I'm off until the next turn to riff comes along. Oh, and the part about me getting drunk with only a one drink is quite true. I really can't handle liquor very well. People can contact me at recklessflyer@mechpilot.com Ranma X: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! Okay The ending was darkewr than a MiST should be, but guess what? o/~I'm gonna be evil, I'm gonna be evil!o/~ Anyways, this was fun as usual, though this fic kinda hurt. I prefer logic and continuity riffs over grammar riffs anyday. Comments can be directed at drstupid@geocities.com See ya round, and now it's time to write about two girls who shoot things and have generally weird things happen, usually with loads of fourth wall destruction... Ranma X (Editor's note: *blink* *blink* *gulp*) Signus Megido: Bad time? I have some really important RL problems myself, and calling it a bad time is an understatement. But anyways, I managed to pull this off at the last minute. Hope this makes it through. And Ranma X, no offense. I'm just giving you a reason to be really evil. ^_^ -Sig W4: Three down, 47 kajillion to go. 8) Originally, I was going to bitch about my car having problems and give a half-assed apology for my lame conclusion idea. But forget that. I'd like to give thanks to the MiSTing crew and acknowledge their efforts despite their noted objections about MiSTing difficutly. And I would like to give an extra shout out to Signus. He helped tone us all down when we got a little bit bloodthirsty, and he contributed despite the personal problems that came up. The crew is a group of good sports, diligent workers and all-around nice people. Except for the self-appointed editor. He's a rickyfracking pootyhead. >8D Destructo Dustpan, I thank you for your permission, and I hope we did your fic justice. If not, it's all my fault, and you're more than welcome to beat me pillar to post all over the internet. Plug time! -http://www.students.rhodes.edu/%7Eknoke/indie/indie.html (Indie Madnesse, the home of ImproFicRoast) -http://queenofswords.com/index.html The Queen of Swords' Webpage of Rather Silly Things, the home of "Gourrigan's Island." As always, I'll share the praise and hog the complaints. Send thine c&c to indiemadw4@home.com. > Xellos: Me too Lina! I don't want the > evil Zelgadis to rape me!