*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

Indie Madnesse proudly presents:

IMPROFICROAST: Improvisational MiSTing
              or
              How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Come Up With Riffs In
              Two Days
http://www.students.rhodes.edu/%7Eknoke/indie/indie.html

Episode 002:   High Stakes, Chapter 1

Participants:
-Chaobino (XellossMettalium@aol.com)
Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion
-Jonatan Streith (a99jonst@ida.his.se)
Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion
-NeoVid (neovid@hotmail.com)
Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion, SVAM Editor, Guest Villain
-Ranma X (drstupid@geocities.com)
Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion
-Signus Megido (maramala@hotmail.com)
Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion
-W4 (indiemadw4@home.com)
Intro, MiSTing, Conclusion, Editor

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

OBLIGITARY LEGAL BLAH

       MST3K & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best
Brains Inc.
       Charles, Jonatan Streith, Jake, NeoVid, Ranma X, Signus, Skrib and
W4 are owned and copyrighted by their respective creators.
       ImproFicRoast is owned and copyrighted by Indie Madnesse.
       And if you don't know who holds the legal rights to Pokemon, then
you have obviously been living under a rock for the past decade.  Lucky.



*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

       In a universe that most people probably haven't heard of, a
powerful man watched a recording of a fighting tournament.  "Hmph," he
said quietly.  "First he trashes our dimension, then he makes me do a MST,
and now this GMCA thing..."  He stood up and laughed once.  "All of a
sudden, I feel like doing something unworthily petty..."

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

       Charles was in the third hour of his Beard Maintenance.  He had a
big date tonight, and nothing, come hell or high water, was going to stop
him from getting that "Indiana Jones in a goatee" look.  He made one final
stroke with his razor and looked in the mirror.  And it was good.  There
was a knock on the door, so he left the bathroom, headed for the front
door, and was teleported away the second he started to reach for the door.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

       In a well-known building in Sweden, Jonatan was having the time
of his life... well, week at least.  The tests were over, he was wearing
his ever-so-trendy, eye-wateringly yellow jumpsuit, he was rather drunk,
everyone was his friend, and he was currently showing off his Mad
Toecrushing Dance Skeelz to anyone who watched.  He had just finished a
brief bout of waltz and was watching as a cute girl was trying to match
his steps.  Sadly, he suddenly vanished. The girl looked around, shrugged,
and continued dancing.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

       Ranma X was busy writing on the computer.
       "Damn.  This is most annoying.  This sucks.  And I'm out of Pop
Tarts(tm) and Jolt(R)!"
       The phone rang.  His girlfriend cancelled their date.  Bill
Collector.  His dog was pronounced dead.  Friend moved away.  Bill
Collector.
       He shot the phone.
       "Okay.  I'm normally not the happiest of campers, but if
anything else happens, I'm gonna-" he said cut off as he changed into
light and disappeared.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

       Signus Megido settled into his plushy Snorlax sofa.  "Aahh... that
feels better already," he sighed.
       "Siggy," Signus' other Author Avatar looked up from the stack of
papers he was writing on.  "Shouldn't you be starting with 'West Eastwood
High' and 'Chosen Warriors' now?"
       Signus waved him away.  "Naah.  I need my siesta first.  It's been
a long day, our RL Persona has some projects to do, and you are still
working on that SUKOL Millennium crossover."
       Skrib groaned. "Don't remind me. This su--"
       There was a flash of light, and Signus was gone.
       Skribulous, D' Fat Dragon Scribe, looked down at his
now-transluscent claws. "Great.  Another ImproFicRoast.  Being bonded to
a Megido sucks."

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

       W4 woke up with a throbbing headache. "What happened?" he asked no
one in particular.  He stood up and looked at his green labcoat. "Oh,
that's right," he commented. "I remember now! I'm supposed to be working
on destroying Akane Tendo and comma abuse!  Yes! And I know just how to do
it! BWA HA HA HA H-"
       A well-timed teleport cut off W4's evil laughter.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

       They all reappeared in the same place: the evil Doctor
Kichigaisakka W4's Theater of Pain.
       Signus took in the surroundings.  "Great," he muttered.  Another
ImproFicRoast.  Being bonded to a Dragon sucks."
       His eyes narrowed as he recognized one of the other people in the
theater. The one in the green labcoat.
       W4 looked around.  "Oh, hey! I know this pla... oh, nuts."
       "YOU!" Signus and Ranma X shouted as they began to throttle, beat
and perforate W4.  Or rather, Ranma X began promptly throttling, beating,
and perforating W4 while Signus calmly took out every single weapon of
Mass Destruction under his jacket coat.
       Jonatan appeared in the middle of a twist and collapsed due to
lack of music.  He looked around. "...okay. Note to self: More than five
drinks give you hallucinations, dimwit."  He looked confused for a second
and wobbled unsteadily to his feet.  "No wait.  It's real.  Okay.  That's
cool."  A big smile plastered itself over the even more plastered youth,
and he stumbled towards the group of people in the other end of the room.
"Yo! Peace!" he slurred.  He had no idea who they were, but that had never
stopped anyone from making new friends.
       Charles looked up from his prone position to see W4 being maimed
by two people.  He got up, dusted off his fedora and his bathrobe, sat on
a nearby chair and watched.  Oh, and he seemed to be in a sort of Evil
Theater, but that wasn't nearly as interesting as the Chibi-Impro-Author-
Turned-Mad-Scientist getting mauled.
       "I thought you wouldn't be doing this sort of thing again, old
friend," Signus casually remarked, assembling the Panzer Assault Cannon
Mk.3 from its component pieces.
       "It's not me this time! I swear!" W4 managed to blurt out as
Ranma X continued his attempt at a grappling assault.
       "I...DON'T CARE!!!" Ranma X shouted as he throttled away at W4.
"DIEDIEDIEDIEDIE-" Signus pulled him away, and he started catching his
breath.
       "S.. sorry.  I don't know what got into me.  I think it's Caffeine
withdrawl," Ranma X mentioned between pants.
       "That's okay," Signus replied as Ranma X brushed himself off.
       "Soooo... who's putting us through it this time?" Signus asked.
       "I am," came from the sound system as the Comparatively Big Screen
lit up, showing a very... memorable person.  To start with, he was big.
More like BIG, really.  He also looked to be a member of the "Everything
Looks Cooler In A Black Trenchcoat" Club.  The silver eyes with gold mixed
in were pretty damn noticeable, too.  But what really made him
unforgettable was that he wasn't human.  He seemed more like a wolf with
one pair of slim fangs down to the point of his jaw.  Oddly enough,
however, he didn't seem intimidating.  Not even slightly.
       The reactions to seeing that a brown-furred wolfish guy was
playing the Mad's role this time were just as memorable.
       "Now my head REALLY hurts," W4 complained.
       Charles looked up at the screen. "That looks like a stuffed animal
I had as a kid... Bitie-Chan! Is that you?"
       Ranma X looked up.  "You must really hate me, Takahashi-kami-sama."
       Signus facepalmed.  "Shouldn't have asked... me and my big
mouth..."
       Jonatan blinked, then smiled. "Hey, it's 'Wolf' Diego, the
Strontium Dog hunter!  How many points do I get for that?" Noting the other
individuals' stares, he muttered, "Okay, maybe not.  What the hell are you,
Jojo?"
       Well, in most cases they were.  Perhaps "weird" might have been a
better choice of a word.
       "If you must know, I'm subletting the theater from Dr. W4 while he's
being indicted
for his last episode of Furniture Warriors.
       "...damn," W4 grumbled.
       "And what I am is a posthuman."
       Jonatan asked, "But what about-"
       "If you're wondering about my physical form, I'm a sabretoothed
wolf."
       "But you wrote down on the Theater of Pain(tm) rental application
that you were a constipated wolverine!" W4 grumbled.
       "And only you would actually believe it.  And don't Obscure Reference
at me," the wolf remarked.
       "Wow.  A sabertoothed wolf.  I could be impressed if I wasn't
taken away from my chance to do the Horiziotal Shuffle with Annah,"
Charles deadpanned.  The wolf just stared at him.
       "....Right," Ranma X said.
       "Anyways," the wolf continued, "I've brought you here because I
wanted to indulge myself with a small-minded act of pointless revenge."
       "Revenge on whom?" Signus asked.  "I've never even heard of you!"
       "Wait..." Jonatan started to say.  "Aren't you Jake? You did the
Suikoden Quadruple Feature with NeoVid!"
       "Exactly.  I've decided that I want revenge on NeoVid for that."
       "You mean for his making your head explode?" Jonatan mentioned.
       Jake glared.  "I did that for comedic value. I didn't want to
disappoint the readers, after all.  No mere human fanfic could have that
much effect on me."
       Jonatan snickered, "Yeah... right."
       The MSTiers looked at each other.  "How is making us do a MST
supposed to help you get back at him?" Signus wondered out loud.  "He's
not even here."
       "Very simple.  You'll be MSTing one of his fanfics. Once you
suffer through the mind-numbing effects of a SERIOUS fic by NeoVid, you'll
want to get vengeance on him for me."  The thought triggered a huge,
fang-filled grin from Jake.
       "That... sort of makes sense," Signus commented.
       "Yes it does," Jake replied cheerily. "Have fun with the fic.  It's
a painfully slow paced, serious Impro starter based on an unknown manga,
but it ended up being more like a mix of 'Pokémon' and 'Highlander.' It's
'High Stakes: Part 1.' Hope you don't like it." He telekinetically
activated the theater's systems.
       Signus glared at W4. "You do know that, if we survive this, I'm
going to kill you, right?"
       W4 grumbled, "Yeah, yeah... wait in line..."
       "I don't have to wait long," Signus smiled evilly. "Everyone else
will probably go after NeoVid afterwards while I get all the time in the
world to think up of ways to repay you."
       Ranma X said, "Oh, I don't care who I inflict pain on, but..." He
began to twitch ever so violently, "I'm ready to kill."
       "You've read NeoVid's work?" Charles asked Signus.
       "Yep.  Liked it, too," Signus grinned. "I mean... it's more a
mixture of 'Magic: The Gathering' and 'Power Stone' rather than 'Pokemon'
and 'Highlander.'"
       "You are insane," Charles grumbled.
       Signus smiled darkly.  "I know."
       "We're doing a MSTing?" Jonatan grinned even wider (now looking
capable of biting through small vehicles).  "This'll be fun!"
       W4 shot him a Glare (tm).  "Are you nuts?"
       "Drunk," Jonatan corrected.
       Charles glowered.  "Lucky you."
       Seconds later, klaxons began to blare and the theater's screen
began to flash and flicker.
       "WE GOT STARTER SIIIIGN!!" the trapped men hollered.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

Door Sequence
7: It must be Hell, since you can hear Michael Bolton and Yoko Ono singing
  "Livin' La Vida Loca." Jonatan hums along before the others drag him
  through.
6: The thunderous clatter of one hand clapping.
5: There is no door 5.  Door 5 is only a creation of the Matrix to placate
  your mind.
4: It's the infamous Fourth Wall.  As you mention "authors", "change of
  writing style" and "scripts", it crumbles to dust.
3: A Wall of Blossoms.  You burn it away by throwing down a red card,
  casting a 'Lightning Blast' spell at it.
2: It is a 70's era disco.  You open the door using a 'Disco Inferno'
  attack.
1: It's a huge vault door.  You fiddle with the mechanisms for what seems
  an eternity, before realizing it's not locked.


*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*



>Presented By Beware the Radish


Signus: Radishes?  What about the Carrots?
Jonatan: I fear not the radish.  I only fear the chicken.
Charles: You'd better Beware the Radish.  Damn things can take your finger
        right off.



>-------------http://www.mit.edu/~johne/btr/--------------


>HIGH STAKES
>
>
>Chapter 1: Take a Gamble


Signus: Anyone care to bet that the doors are still open?
(RanmaX tries to leave the theater. He finds that the door is locked.)
RanmaX: Damn.
Signus: Eh, worth a shot, kid.




>starring Jinsaku Nagaoka


W4: Which would be interesting if he were somebody famous!




>Written (and created) by NeoVid


Jonatan: Read and scrutinized by us.
W4: Department of Redundancy Department seems to be busy with their
    redundancy.




>Jinsaku knew he'd be having a bad day when he woke up.


RanmaX: Welcome to the club.
Signus [Bad Day]: Hello, Jinsaku!  I'm your bad day, and you'll be having
                  me for today!
Charles [Jinsaku]: (singing) I woke up this morning with a bad hangover,
                  and my penis was missing again. This happens all the
                  time. It's detachable.
W4: (glares at Charles) Not one page into the story, and we already have
   a severe case of "Crow Syndrome."  No good can come of this. (sighs)



>It had been years since a day that had started like that had been good
>for him.


Charles: Wow!  That long since he scored?
Signus: More like that he never did.



>Prying his eyes open,


RanmaX: What?  Did he need a crowbar to do it?
(Jonatan and Signus mimicks prying his eye open)



>he blearily


Charles: I love when adjectives get turned into adverbs.



>looked around the hotel room. The sound of muffled techno music told him
>that Katsuya was already awake, and was


Jonatan: About to die.  Techno music is not something you want to wake up
         to on a bad morning.
(Signus makes some noises.)
RanmaX: And what was that supposed to be?
W4: Random guess.  You were trying to sound like muffled techno music.



>getting a head start on his lifelong work of distancing himself from the
>real world.


RanmaX: Considering you're his roomate, I don't blame him.



>He decided to waste a


Jonatan: Street mime who was for some reason sitting on the floor.



>moment's effort and look over. Sure enough, he had his headphones on,
>and was listening to the music


(Signus blinks.)
Signus: Wha...?  Jinsaku's a quick one.  That's for sure.



>with his eyes closed, already far off in his own little universe.


Jonatan: It's 8:00 AM. Do you know where your little universe is?



>As usual, Jinsaku wondered how his life could have possibly sunk so low
>for him to have to share a hotel room with a moron he didn't even like
>because he couldn't afford two rooms.


Signus [Jinsaku]: Damn! I thought my future was set after Community
                 College.



>A knock at the door was the next sign that this day would be exactly
>like every other day in his rut.


RanmaX: So when did we switch over to "Groundhog Day"?



>He decided not to fight Fate and unlocked it.


Jonatan: 'Cos Fate was a 7-foot bodybuilder.  I wouldn't fight something
         like that, either.
Signus: I take it you've met my Aunt Fatae?



>Tyrell opened the door, showing everyone


W4: Ack!  Put on some clothes, dammit!



>his usual irritatingly positive expression.


Jonatan: Hey!  That's my trademark irritatingly possitive expression!
         I'll sue, card-boy.



>"Hi! How's everyone doin' today?"


All: Do you really want to know?!



>Jinsaku's expression didn't change from his usual steel-melting glare.


Charles: ...And Tyrell's belt beckle was fused to his zipper.



>"Shitty. How else would we be doing?"


RanmaX: Wow, he read my mind...
Signus: Your mind?!? I thought he read mine!
Jonatan: Are you high on drugs, Tyrell?



>"Yup,


Jonatan: Thought so.



>you're your usual cheery self! You had a battle last night, didn't you?"
>"How did you know?" "Let's see... wet footprints on the carpet, soaked
>jacket wadded up in the corner,


Signus [Tyrell]: Bloody glove, hollowpoint shells...



>and of course nobody sane would have gone out in that rain last night."


Jonatan: And neither would I.



>"If it was nobody sane, why didn't you think it was Katsuya?"


RanmaX: Well the gun says, 'Property of Jinsaku Nagaoka...'



>"I'm psychic, that sort of thing." He went back to the subject. "Well,
>did you win?"


W4: You've won...
(drumroll)
Signus: A NEW CAR!
All: Yay.
(All throw confetti.)



>"Yeah. That kid took me on


Jonatan: Lucky... was she cute, Jin?



>with a Minion barely


Jonatan: Kinky... hired help?



>rated above 300.


Jonatan: ...and I lost the thread somewhere here...
Charles: (thwaps Jonatan) Lay off the ecchi.
Charles: (Mock Horror) My goddess!  Barely above 300? What kind of
         strategy-lacking fool does that?



>I don't know how he's managed to last so long if he goes out looking for
>challenges with his rank that low. He must have had more Cards left,
>though, since he was able to walk away afterwards."


Charles: No, you idiot.
Jonatan: Hmpf.  It's so obvious.
Charles: So they break your legs if you run out of cards?



>The big kokujin- 'Think English, dammit.' Jinsaku reminded himself- gave
>a demonstration of that partly-faked overenthusiasm that grated on
>Jinsaku. "Ooo, can I see!?"


(Charles makes a zipper noise, folowed by a comedy boing)
(W4 rolls his eyes.)



>Jinsaku grunted and got out his newest Card:


Signus: (reads) "Get out of jail free?"
W4: Sorry.  We don't take American Express.
Charles: (reads) "What's better than having a nephew like you?  Nothing!
         It's a trick question!"  Heehee...
(The others stare at Charles.)
Charles: What? I think it's cute...



>a Lightning type rated at 150/200. "I suppose I'll fuse this one with my
>weakest Card." He got out another Card and touched the two together. I
>a faint glow of


Charles: ...radiation, Jinsaku's hands melted off.
Signus: That's dark, man...
Charles: I passed up [NOOKIE] to be here. I have a goddess-given right to
        be dark.



>yellow energy, the newest Card was soaked into


W4: ...grape jello. The stuff ends up everywhere these days.
Jonatan: ...lard.  I'm not kidding, it's lard.  Oh my GOD, we're gonna get
         SUED!
RanmaX: Two words: get help.



>Jinsaku's Card. He read the new stats. Carapace was


Signus: (reading encyclopedia) ...a thick protective shell worn by most
        insects and some land- or water-living animals...
W4: I'll have 'multi-syllable words without context' for 400 points, Alex!



>now a Lightning/Air/Fire type rated at 450/430.


W4: It's a Butter-Pika-char-free...-chu-...izard.



>"Did you notice it's noon already? Are you goin' to keep sleepin' twelve
>hours a day?" Tyrell asked.


RanmaX [Jinsaku]: Well, I usually sleep more after my vodka and painkiller
                  tonic.



>"I'm happier when I sleep, okay!? Lay off." He started to put the Card
>away before he saw that the glow hadn't faded the way it normally did.
>"Oh no. I think I'm-"


W4: ...caught in a crappy fanfic?
Charles: ...a clone now?
Jonatan: ...falling in love?



>His vision started to fade, then came


All: Eww.



>back a few moments later. "I am really sick of that..."


W4 [Jinsaku]: If Scotty is going to beam me up, just do it already.



>Jinsaku stumbled once, then looked up into


RanmaX: The sun.  Sadly, the light burned out his eyes, rendering him
        scarred for life.
Jonatan: Get a flashlight for your dark world.
W4: (sings) The sun is a mass of incandescent gas...



>Tyrell's smiling face, and Katsuya's permanently blank one.


RanmaX: Should I even ask what's being suggested?
(Everyone shakes their heads.)



>"You were given a challenge, right?"


Signus: Here, we call in an oblation.
Jonatan: Did it include running naked across town, Jin?



>"Well, of course!" he snapped.


Jonatan: Hee, hee, hee.



>"What else would it mean when I fade out?"


Jonatan: Acid flashback from the sixties?
RanmaX: The writer had sense enough to kill you, thus ending the story?
Signus: You wish.



>"It could have been Katsuya's schizophrenia turnin' out to be
>contagious."


RanmaX [Jinsaku]: Nahh...I had the Schizo when I was a kid.



>The schizo in question had


Jonatan: A gun against Jin's head.  This was the last time he'd insult
         Katsuya...
RanmaX: And you accuse me of being dark?



>slouched back to his bed, and had his back to the two Players.


Charles: (Singing) You can check their stats! They roll in a fleetwood,
         that's how they mack!



>"Right. Well, it told me I'm taking on some guy called Chase Campbell at
>five today." "CAMPBELL? You are in serious trouble..."


W4: And it'll be double!
Signus [Tyrell]: He fights with soup!



>As much as Jinsaku disliked Tyrell (about as much as he disliked
>everyone else), his judgement was disturbingly accurate when it came to
>the Game. "How much trouble exactly?" his narrowed eyes looking as if
>they would blow a hole in Tyrell before he could answer. "Hell, it takes
>a while to explain that guy. Let's get somethin' to eat first." They
>were both shocked


Charles: Maybe he should have fixed that live wire on the floor.



>when Katsuya got up and went to the door. "Wow... the zombie walks!"


W4: Hey Jon, what do you call a zombie that doesn't work?
Jonatan: Um... pass.
W4: A corpse.
(rimshot, canned laughter)
RanmaX: (deadpan) Ha.  Funny.  Wai.



>Katsuya, for once, looked straight at him. "That's not funny," he
>mumbled.


RanmaX: You're telling me...
Charles: I agree.  That wasn't a very good joke, Woof.
W4: Can't please everyone.
Jonatan: Or anyone.



>"Uh..." he worked to say something coherent. "...sorry?"


Signus [mother]: Sorry isn't good enough, Mister! Wait until your father
                 gets home! Go into your room!



>Still trying to overcome his surprise at Katsuya actually talking to
>someone, Tyrell went back to the subject. "I'm


Charles: ...Actually a walking mannequin.
W4: ...Three Giant Squirrels controlling a mechanical Tyrell-Looking body.
    Sorry for not telling you earlier.



>off work today anyway. The horror story about Campbell is


Charles: Completely true in every detail.  It happened to my uncle's
         friend's cousin's neighbour...



>sorta complicated... so I'd better save it 'til after we've eaten.


RanmaX [Jinsaku]: Of course, so then we vomit afterwards.



>I'll be waitin' outside when you're ready to leave." As Tyrell walked
>off with Katsuya in tow,


RanmaX [trucker]: Well, normally it'd cost ya $45 a mile, but since he's a
                  flat, badly written character, I'll tow for $10...



>Jinsaku thought about how much he hated the way the guy would


Signus: Steal his lunch bread every day...



>take over everything anyone around him did.


W4: [metallic] I am Tyrell of Borg. You will be assimilated.



>He had learned a long time ago that the only way to deal with him was to
>just go along with it all.


Jonatan: Though the straps did chafe... and the feathers... no, let's not
         start on the feathers.
RanmaX: But Jinsaku was rather fond of chiffon...



>His pessimistic imagination was starting to give him all sorts of
>disturbing ideas about this goon Campbell. Whatever the truth was, it
>couldn't be as bad as his imagination.


Charles: Only if you imagine some WAY twisted things, Jin.



>At that thought, he sighed. Who was he kidding? Of course it could.
>
>~=~=~=~=~
>
>
>A short while later, he stepped out of the hotel


Jonatan: And he just wanted to sing, sing, SING...
Charles: Stop it! There will be no singing while I'm around!



>lobby, into yet another grey Seattle day. Before Tyrell could say
>anything, Jinsaku asked, "Who's paying? I don't have any money with me."
>"I don't either. But never fear... The Cards will provide!" 'Shoot me.'
>thought Jinsaku.


RanmaX: (Overjoyed) OKAY!
Signus: Me first!
Jonatan: Certainly!  Dispatch War Rocket Ajax!
Charles: We don't have that one.
Jonatan: Damn!
(Signus reaches into his jacket pockets.)
Signus: Here... Aw, rats.  Left them in my other trenchcoat.



>"Just trust their luck. They've always given you what you need to live,
>right?"


RanmaX [Tyrell]: You know... cheap hotels, beer, several verenal diseases,
                 measles...



>"Wrong. And I notice you still have to work." That didn't make a dent in
>Tyrell. "Well, you're payin' for two people with yours. And I'm not as
>high-ranked as you. Let's just head to that Japanese place you like.
>We'll probably come in to some money on the way." "...Wish I could just
>play the lottery and make myself rich that way. But I still haven't got
>a good enough rank to beat twenty-five-million-to-one odds." Tyrell
>smiled at the thought.


Jonatan: Actually, he was thinking about catgirls again.
Signus: Mmmm... Nekojin...



>"Just because we're Players doesn't mean we can push our luck THAT far.
>Campbell doesn't have a good enough rank to beat
>twenty-five-million-to-one odds. Forget it. Everyone gets what they
>deserve in the end."


RanmaX: Everyone?  (grins evilly at W4)
Signus: Yes... everyone.  (cracks his knuckles)
Jake: (over speakers) Don't even pretend to think you have a chance,
      monkeyboys.
(Signus stiffles his giggling.)
Jonatan: What's so funny?
Signus: ...Monkeyboys? Heh...
Jake: (on speakers) Careful.  You're making yourself look like a total...
                    ape.



>"I was afraid of that."


Jonatan: I, on the other hand, am afraid of this.
Signus [Victor Borge]: This is a that, and these are all thises.  Thus...



>~=~=~=~=~



Signus [traffic controller]: Attention.  Heavy traffic on Highway 16...



>As usual, Tyrell had been right about the Player's luck. Jinsaku had
>found thirty dollars on the sidewalk


Signus: It was in someone's wallet, but technically on the sidewalk.



>before they had headed off to the restaraunt. Even so, they had still
>had to restrict themselves to some of the cheapest things on the menu.


Charles: Happy Meals for everyone!
Signus: He said "the cheapest."
Jonatan: Such as the menu.
W4 [Jinsaku]: Yum... greasy paper.



>Jinsaku was suddenly struck


Signus: ...several times on the back as the owner of the wallet where he
        got the money from emptied his .44 Magnum rounds...
Jonatan [Jinsaku]: Owie! Who did that?!



>by the thought of what their little group would look like to anyone
>else. He personally was the worst of the bunch.


Signus: No kidding.
RanmaX: I don't know...  I'd rather hide in a world of techno music than
        listen to those two.



>A skeleton thin, depressed-looking foreigner, obviously not caring about
>his appearance- that reminded him, he'd have to shave


Jonatan: ...someone.  It's a great form of relaxation.
Signus: Speaking from experience?
Jonatan: Ah, frosh week... (sighs happily)



>sometime this week- Then there was Katsuya. Dressed


RanmaX: You're suggesting the others weren't?
Jonatan: They were going to streak, weren't they?



>like a slacker, always wearing headphones, and going through everything
>he did like a robot.


RanmaX: He even danced the robot.



>And, finally,


Charles: ...The Rock has returned to fanfiction!



>the one who could pass for normal


Jonatan: But didn't, 'cos he DIDN'T WANT TO, so neener neener!  Hahaha!



>: Tyrell, a big, eternally smiling black guy with a mechanic's
>permanently ground-in dirt on his hands, even though he smelled like
>soap even at medium range. Tyrell, watching the door to the kitchen like
>a hawk,


Charles: So he's circling around in the ceiling?
W4 [Tyrell]: I can see my house from here!



>spotted their waiter.


Jonatan: Where is the waiter, Tyrell?



>"It's here!"


Jonatan: Good boy, Tyrell.
W4: How do you DO that?!?



>Jinsaku tried some of his order almost before the waiter could set the
>plates down. "Huh. At least they know how to do a good imitation of the
>food back home."


RanmaX: Ah, the lovely cardboard rice back home.
W4: The carbon-copy miso soup.
Jonatan: The tasty imitation sushi, made only from the best rubber and oil
         paints.



>Tyrell was watching the waiter leave. "Did you notice that guy's older
>than me? That's what I love


Jonatan [Tyrell]: Guys older than me!
Charles: Nothing like a bit o' Shriveled-Old-Man love to get yer day off
         right!



>about this country. Ain't it great that someone with an anthropology
>degree," he tapped on his own chest,


Jonatan: An anthropomorphic degree? That's a first.  Is it cute?
Charles: I think they look like Hsein-Ko's ofuda.



>"can work in a garage for exactly the same amount of money as a guy who
>didn't get through high school?"


RanmaX: Wow! I thought you only get a McJob after a degree like in
        Anthropology...
W4: No, that's Philosophy or Medieval Studies.
All: Ah.



>Miraculously, this observation got a reaction from Katsuya. "Don't
>remind me about high school."


RanmaX [Katsuya]: I was lead cheerleader...



>As Jinsaku wondered how Katsuya could hear through the headphones, he
>told Tyrell, "There were some rumors going around about how he managed
>to get into such a good school in the first place."


Charles [Jinsaku]: Something about good grades, above average test scores
                   and a good character, but...what do they know anyways!



>He then remembered the reason he had come here. "Now, will you hurry up
>and tell me about Campbell?"


RanmaX [Tyrell]: Well, he's rather condensed, so you'll need water or milk
                 and...
Signus: Enough with the soup jokes.



>Tyrell finished off his rice before he started into the story. "Right.
>I've been lucky enough to only have one run-in with Chase."


Signus [Jinsaku]: And you lived? You call that lucky?
W4: Do I detect a hint of bitterness there?
Signus: Well, that would make him in-character, though.



>"There's no chance of you getting right to the point, is there?"


RanmaX: If he did, this fic would be over.



>"Nope! Let's see, it was last year, just before you got here..."


W4 [Tyrell]: You know, when everything went nuts, and that deathmatch
             you're in was started...



>Tyrell parked his junkpile of a car down the street from the bank. He
>hated driving the damn thing.


Signus [Tyrell]: "Previously owned by a little old lady who only drove on
                 Sundays to church" my butt!



>Even after several repairs, the thing was still


Jonatan: Japanese.  Sorry, no amount of repairs can fix that.



>as clunky and temperamental as one of the loaners from work. The moment
>he shut off the ignition, he blanked.


Jonatan: Time for a nap already?
W4: No... the theater has auto-censoring.  He probably did something we
    weren't supposed to see.
Jonatan: Really?
W4: Yeah... let me demonstrate.  (as Tyrell) This blanking piece of blank
    motherblanking car!  I'm going to find me a blank and blank until...
(W4 gets flattened by RanmaX's combat spatula.)
W4: (in a crumpled mass) ...you get the point.



>The Cards informed him that he was going to


Jonatan: Meet a tall, dark stranger...



>challenge someone named Chase Campbell at eight tonight. He wasn't too
>happy about that.


Charles [Tyrell]: I'll miss Jeopardy!  Oh no!



>Win or lose (usually lose), it was just one step closer to eventually
>losing for good.


W4: Better than losing for evil...



>Though he didn't particularly mind having


Jonatan: His back shaven by a circus midget.
Others: BAD IMAGE!



>chanced into the Game in the first place, he had no illusions about the
>odds of his winning in the end.


Signus: (takes out a notebook) Place your bets, gentlemen!  The odds
        are... Tyrell, 1... Campbell, 100!
W4: I'll bet on Gryphon; he always wins these things.
Charles: (looks blankly at W4) Woof, this ISN'T "Warrior's Legacy."
W4: ...oops. My bad.



>Putting those thoughts aside, he went


W4: What, right there?  Eww.



>into the bank to cash what his boss tried to pass off as a paycheck.


Jonatan [Tyrell]: I hope it's a paycheck.  The rubber chicken I got last
                  month had me fooled for a while.



>The run of luck he'd been having since becoming a Player had taken some
>of the pressure off at his underpaying job, but he was still nowhere
>near being able to get everything he wanted.


Signus: Yup, he would have to become a Chippendale dancer again.
Others: AGH! ANOTHER BAD IMAGE!



>Then again, he thought philosophically, no one could do that.


RanmaX: Make sense of this fic?  For once, I agree.



>When he went inside, he saw that everyone was being careful to stay out
>of the way of a short, thickly-built dark-haired guy with a pair of
>bodyguards looming next to him.


W4: Gimli's gone up in the world.
Charles: Who the heck is Gimli?
W4: (long pause) ...I have no rickyfracking idea.  @_@;;;
Jake: (on speakers) You never read "Lord of the Rings?"  Illiterate.



>Tyrell instantly sensed the guy was a Player, and from the way he had
>looked over, he had


Jonatan: Some grey Poupon.
W4: Jock itch.



>definitely noticed Tyrell. A nagging sense of familiarity came over
>Tyrell until he realized where he had seen the guy before. When the
>memory came,


Jonatan: This fic is getting increasingly more ecchi...
Charles: You're strangely coherent for a drunken person.
Jonatan: It's a knack.



>he could hardly believe he hadn't made the connection. THIS was Chase
>Campbell, founder of Campbell Security Systems and familiar face on the
>eleven o' clock news,


Signus: Under headlines such as "Victim of Involuntary Pantsing."
Charles: And "Leading Contributor of Methane in The Tri-State Area."



>as various prosecutors tried to connect him to "unexplained incidents".


Signus [Prosecutors]: This is the man who flooded downtown with chunky
                      clam chowder!
RanmaX: I thought we agreed on no more soup jokes!



>Intending to get to know his opponent


Jonatan: Really getting to know him, eh? Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no
         more? (grins)
Charles: Ranma X, if you'd be so kind...
(Ranma X nods, pulls out his combat spatula and flattens Jonatan.)
Charles: Many thanks.



>before the battle, Tyrell walked over and introduced himself. "Hey, I'm
>Tyrell Morgan-"


RanmaX [Tyrell]: -and I'm a compulsive player.
Others: Hi, Tyrell Morgan!



>One of the goons immediately stepped between him and Campbell. Campbell
>pushed the guy aside. "Stand aside, Dean. Mr. Morgan and I need to talk
>for a second."  The goons immediately moved out of the way.


W4: INTENSE MOVING ACTION!



>"I see you're not the type to be easily intimidated."


W4: I see you're not the type to be easily assimilated.
Charles: I see you're not the type to be easily infatuated.
Signus: I see you're not the type to be easily assassinated.
RanmaX: I see you're not the type to be easily inebriated.
Jonatan: I am. ^_^



>"Never have been. Never been the type that backs down, either." "Good.
>I'm harder to match than you might think.


Signus [Campbell]: I mean, I've checked the personal ads, been set on
                   blind dates from my friends and even tried searching
                   online.  But I just can't get a date for the life of me.



>I'll be ready and waiting." Campbell cracked his knuckles, offered
>Tyrell his hand and smiled disturbingly.


W4: Oh Lina-kamisama.  Campbell's snapped...
RanmaX: Spilling tomato-soup flavored blood everywhere...
Signus [Campbell]: Take it... eat it... a gift of my own... hee hee hee...



>Tyrell took the proffered hand. "You better be ready,"


Jonathan: I just gave you a stink-palm.
W4: Eww...



>Tyrell stated, his voice not giving any indication that he noticed
>Campbell was trying to squash his hand into pulp. After a moment,
>Campbell's smile became strained and sweat started beading on his
>forehead. Tyrell waited another second, then let him have his hand back.
>With a snarl, Campbell gathered up his security guys


Signus: And attacked Tyrell, beating him into oblivion and stealing all
        his cards.



>and left the bank. Tyrell noticed him surruptitiously wipe his right
>hand off on his pants leg.


RanmaX: So when did the severed hand end up on his leg?
Jonatan: Maybe it was trying to climb back up.
Charles [Tyrell]: Well, I'm certainly not opening up an account THERE!



>After seeing that, Tyrell idly wished


Jonatan: Make a wish upon a star...
Charles: (clicks his heels together) There's no place like home, there's
         no place like home, there's no place like home... Damn.  Nothing
         happened.



>he had brought a tire iron or something to use as a head cracker on the
>head cracker. The rest of the day was a blur of anticipation. Campbell
>had a bad reputation, and though Tyrell had an almost Zen-like total
>acceptance of everything, the thought of having to take on Campbell was
>getting him tense.


(Jonatan starts laughing madly.)
W4: I'm warning you...
(RanmaX waves his combat spatula over Jonatan's head.  Jonatan pipes down
slightly.)



>After parking on Campbell's block, he checked his watch. 7:46.


Charles: Campbell 7:46 says I just shook your hand!



>Just enough time. He stepped out of his car, remembering to set his
>alarm (though it wasn't like anybody who lived in a big-money
>neighborhood like Campbell's would bother to steal his piece of junk


RanmaX: Maybe they'd do it just to spite him.



>), and went round the block to the one way in through Campbell's fence.
>He was slightly surprised to find


Jonatan: Jimmy Hoffa in a vat of M&M.



>that the gate was still locked, and that the security booth was manned.


Charles: How unethical. That booth should be womanned as well.
W4: AUGH! Puns!
(W4 bangs his head against the back of his chair.  RanmaX and Signus share
a conspiratorial grin.)



>Campbell did have a reputation for being paranoid, though.


W4: He had a burglar alarm on his garbage can.



>He told the first of the guards on duty, "Open up. Chase's expecting
>me." "Sorry. Mr. Campbell said we're not supposed to


W4: Throw live weasels at beauty pageants.  Damn that party pooper!



>unlock the gate for anyone tonight." "I'm expected. I have to be there
>at eight." The CSS guy looked at him over the top edge of his
>sunglasses. "No one is being let in. Didn'tcha hear me the first time,
>pinhead?" Tyrell couldn't believe this. Maybe Campbell just hadn't
>remembered to inform the guards at the gate. When Tyrell noticed that
>there were only three minutes left till eight, he quickly said, "Look,
>just call Campbell and tell him I'm here."


Signus [Guard]: Okay. (calls up) I'm here.
RanmaX [Tyrell]: That's not what I meant, and you know it!



>The guard sighed. "Alright..." After a moment on the phone, the guard
>set down the phone and smirked. "Mr. Campbell says, 'Haven't you figured
>it out yet, sucker?' And there's one more thing he said I should give
>you." It turned out to be The Finger.


W4: Oh God, more severed body parts.  This is sick.
Charles: Nonono... it's a living organism like "Thing," "The Fly," or
         "The They."



>After carefully thinking out his course of action,


Jonatan: No, he's thinking about catgirls again.
W4: What is it with you and catgirls?
Jonatan: ^_^
Signus: (sighs) Felicia-chan...



>Tyrell gut-punched the guy. This ended up with him being pummelled a few
>times and quickly kicked off the premises. Campbell watched the scene
>from his office window. Another easy win by forfeit. He would get
>Morgan's weakest Card automatically when time ran out... which would be
>right about...


Jonatan: Okay, everyone! Hide behind your seats!
Others: What the...
Jonatan: GOSH DARN IT, JUST DO IT!
(All hide behind their seats.)



>now.


(Jonatan leaps up from behind his seat.)
Jonatan: SURPRISE! (sings) Happy birthday to you! Happy birth-
(The others gang up on him, beat him a bit and tie him to his seat.)
RanmaX: And you'll stay tied up until there are traces of blood in your
        alcohol stream!



>With a weak flicker, a Card appeared in the air in front of him. He
>grabbed for it as if someone was going to materialize out of the walls
>and take it (his street instincts coming back) and checked the stats. It
>was even lower than he had expected. Even if Morgan had somehow reached
>him, he would have been no trouble at all to beat. Of course, if a
>Player who was tough enough to be dangerous got the upper hand, all he
>had to do was switch


Signus: To decaf. Then they'd fall asleep and he could run laughing into
       the night with their cards...



>to one of the crappy Cards he didn't care about, and lose that. He had
>known this was survival of the fittest as soon as he stole his first
>Cards, and was sure as hell going to prove he was the fittest there was.



RanmaX: Read: Cheapest.
W4: Okay... someone explain this to me... this is all about... cards?
Jonatan: They're the next evolutionary step in Pokemon card collectors!




>"So, he never actually fights and gets wins by forced forfeits. Why
>couldn't you just say that in the beginning?"


Charles: Because then the fic would be much shorter.
Signus: And that is bad... how?



>"It was about time I told someone that story.


Jonatan [Tyrell]: I wanted to see if it still could make people fall asleep
                  on the spot.



>And it's not like it could make YOU any more depressed.


Charles [Jinsaku]: Really?  Well, you were wrong.  Bye. (mimics gunshot,
                  followed by a soft thud)



>I found out a couple more things about him later: he was a small time
>crook before he was a Player, and- this is the big one- nobody heard of
>him til a couple of years after the Game started." "Hmmm. That is weird.
>Wait, how are we going to get to him now?"


W4: Oh, that's easy.  Ghostwrite a crappy Ultra chapter and slap his name
    on it.  There won't be enough of him to bury.
(The others just stare at W4.)
Signus: My GOD.  You ARE an evil mad scientist.



>"Oh... I've got a way." An infuriating smile followed that statement.


Signus [David Attenborough]: Here we see the wild statement in its native
                             habitat, as it is being stalked by a
                             predatory infuriating smile...



>"And there's not a chance you're goint to tell me what it is." "Right
>again! You're really on a roll today."


Jonatan: That explains why his pants smell of cinnamon.



>The definitely non-Japanese waiter returned. "Your check."


RanmaX [French Waiter]: I hope ze miso zoup was to your likeeng,
                        monsieur.



>Tyrell started to count the money out, then looked at the numbers a
>second time. "Uh oh. Check this out, Jin."


W4 [Tyrell]: It's a sixty-year old man... wearing a thong.
Others: Urgh...
Jonatan: Hey!  Why isn't someone tying HIM up?
Charles: He's not drunk?
Jonatan: ...that works.



>"WHAT?! This is ten dollars more than it was supposed to be! We don't
>have that!" "Sorry," the waiter began, "but there's a misprint on the
>menu.


Signus: Maybe they fuzzed the numbers when they tried to eat the menu.



>It's clearl-" Jinsaku flew out of his seat and into a rage, two
>languages worth of swear words tripping over each other. "You damn...
>chikusho... mother-" As Tyrell slowly backed away from the scene, he
>tapped Katsuya on the shoulder. "I say we go out


Signus [Katsuya] Oh, you're just trying to get me into bed.



>the back while Jinsaku reasons with the staff." Katsuya shrugged and
>followed him out.


All: Ha.  Haha.  Ha.
Signus: Funny.
Charles: Wahh Wahh Waaaaaaah...



>~=~=~=~=~=


RanmaX: And its neck and neck!  And the = team reach the finish line!
W4: How did you pronounce that?




>Several minutes later, Jinsaku stormed out of the restaurant, homicidal
>fury showing in his eyes. "That was really funny, leaving me in there to
>deal with them on my own... especially when YOU had all the cash!" The
>infuriating smile returned. "You were being so diplomatic in there that
>I knew you could handle it." Jinsaku flexed his hands in the strangle 
>position, and as he did
>whenever he talked to Tyrell, contemplated a murder/suicide. "You're not
>getting out of this


Charles [Jinsaku]: This time, I'm tying lead weights to your ankles before
                   I throw you in the river.



>by doing your reasonable bit this time." "Naw, I'm getting out of it by
>reminding you that you have something way more important to worry about.



Signus [Jinsaku]: And what would that be?
RanmaX [Tyrell]: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
                 could chuck wood?
Signus [Jinsaku]: ...um... (counts fingers)



>We've gotta get a good look at Campbell's new place before we try my
>idea.


W4: They're going to enter in a pizza box!  Geniuses!



>I can't get us in if we get caught doing it." As Jinsaku's fury slowly
>went away, he thought about how much he wanted out of the Game, and
>wondered whether the easier way would be dumping his Cards in a garbage
>disposal or stepping in front of a bus. Of course, he had tried both
>before and they hadn't worked.


Charles: The poor fool got confused and put a garbage disposal in front of
         a bus.
RanmaX: "If this bus goes below 50 mph, it will- WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?!?"



>After dealing with insane amounts of traffic on the way, they got a
>chance to cruise around the mansion slowly enough to get a good look at
>the security. "Bigger than his last place. More goons, too, but since
>they're staying in the grounds,


Jonatan: The M&M weren't enough.  Now he's placing his security guards in a
         coffee can.
W4: Welcome to the world of the rich and deranged.
Signus: You're halfway there, Woof.



>they'll be no problem," Tyrell stated smoothly. "Good. Now HOW ARE WE
>GETTING PAST THEM?!?!" Tyrell got that look he did when he knew he
>shouldn't say something, but was going to anyway. "Heh... sore wa
>himitsUUMPH!"


Jonatan: (about to take a sip from a bottle) Damn, he interrupted.
W4: Huh?  How did you get untied?
Jonatan: I ate the ropes!
W4: WE USED STEEL CHAINS!
Jonatan: Needed catsup.  (burps)



>he ended as Jinsaku's elbow buried itself in his gut. "I don't need
>comic relief, jerk." "You know how much more bitter you'd be if I never
>tried jokin' around? If you're in on a cosmic joke, the only thing you
>can be is a jester. The best jesters can get people like you to think...
>like where


Jonatan: Do they make the best coffee?
Signus: Do little babies come from?
Charles: In the world is Carmen Sandiego?



>would you be if you hadn't turned out to be a player?"


W4 [Jinsaku]: Well, I wouldn't be talking to idiots like you for one...



>"Out of college, working for a Very Big Company and making 15 million
>yen a year, that's where," Jinsaku retorted. "You just had to bring that
>up again, didn't you?" Jinsaku hated it when something got him thinking
>about home again. He could feel his carefully suppressed memories come
>flooding back...


RanmaX: OH MY GOD!  Tsunami!!!
W4: Relax.  It's just a cheap flashback.
RanmaX: Oh.
Charles [Young Jinsaku]: Mommy! What are you and Uncle Phil doing in bed?!?
Signus: (eyetwitch) That Phil had better not be the one with the Ursine
        Avatar...
Jonatan: Wouldn't surprise me.  Furboy's a card-carrying hentai, after
         all...



>His last year of college had been pure hell.


W4: Their teacher, Ms. Baalzebub, had popquizzes every day, and they had
    to write a ten-page essay titled "What I did in Purgatory."



>The work was no problem, Jinsaku being brilliant and all. What was the
>problem was the number of challenges he had run into since coming here.
>Back home, there had hardly been any Players, and he had once managed to
>go six months without


Jonatan: Bathing?
Charles: A date?
W4: Pants?
Signus: Breathing?



>a battle. Here, he was meeting challengers constantly, and worse, some
>of them were


W4: Mimes.
Signus: (shivering) Don't go there.



>close to being knocked out of the Game entirely. He was never going to
>do that to anyone if there was any way to avoid it. The few other
>solutions he had come up with had failed miserably, so he had settled on
>his last resort:


W4 [Jinsaku]: I never wanted to be a Player. I wanted to be... a
              LUMBERJACK!
Charles: I will pay you to not sing.
Jonatan: (chuckles) Hee hee hee...
Charles: He's up to something... RanmaX?
Ranma X.: Sure.  (pounds Jonatan)
Jonatan: Itai... @_@



>leaving Japan. Now he just had to deal with the complication of his
>pathetically bad English.


RanmaX: Deal with the complication of pathetically bad English?  Most
        AMERICANS never bother; why should he?



>Abe Katsuya, who was two years and a lot of good marks behind him,
>stared at him in disbelief.


Jonatan [Katsuya]: I can't believe it's not butter!



>"You're planning what?" "I'm leaving for the States. I can't take it
>here anymore."


Jonatan [Jinsaku]: It's just too boring. Over in America, they know methods
                   involving feathers...



>"And why do you think I would want to go along?!?" "It's obvious! You
>hate it here more than I ever did. The only reason you've been here this
>long is because you're scared of what would happen if you


W4: Ate pop rocks and drank soda at the same time.



>tried to leave. If you went to the States they'd never be able to do
>anything about it. And... I can't go without a translator, anyway."
>Katsuya poked the much thinner and lighter upperclassman in the chest.


RanmaX: We've secretly replaced Jinsaku with a scarecrow.  Let's see
        if his friend notices.



>"So that's your real reason? You almost had me convinced until then."
>Jinsaku remembered a saying about desperate times. "You want my real
>reason? Then watch real close!" He got out his Cards, there was the
>*FLASH*, and Katsuya was left staring at the Minion that had appeared
>right in front of his eyes. He was never the same again.


RanmaX: Not after he purchased that big-screen TV...
Jonatan: He was now John Lennon.
W4: I'd say... being flashed by a minion is not a pleasant sight.
Signus: Unless it's... (sighs) ...Felicia...



>"Then when we got here, somebody said something to me, and I understood
>it...


Jonatan [Jinsaku]: Although I still don't understand why he wondered if I
                   was a servant of the Great Ambiguous Eel...



>the first thing I did was yell at my Cards 'Why the hell didn't you say
>you could make me understand English?!?' and what I got was


Jonatan: Outlook hazy, try again later...
W4: 404 file not found...?



>'You never asked.'"


Charles [card]: Jeez, you act as if you never talked to inanimate objects
               before.
Jonatan: Talk to the card, 'cuz the Player's not listening!



>With a small shock Jinsaku realized he had


Jonatan: A lousy haircut.



>been telling the story out loud. "Hey, you knew that there would be
>consequences


RanmaX [Tyrell]: Setting fire to mimes is illegal here, you know.
Signus: Unfortunately.



>if you let an outsider know about the Game. It's YOUR fault he's this
>way, so you blame yourself and hate him because you blame yourself. I
>understand."


Jonatan: (sarcastically) THANK you, Dr. Freud.
W4: You're not fooling us, Tyrell.  We can see the inflatable psychiatrist
    you have there.



>And that was the hell of it. He really did understand. Even though he
>knew Jinsaku was right to think it was his own fault.


Jonatan: Newsflash...
All: IT WAS!



>~=~=~=~=~
>
>After going off and wasting the next few hours


Charles: Surfing for netporn.
Signus: Throwing wet prunes at old ladies.
Jonatan: Drinking himself sober.



>trying to focus on the upcoming battle (though it ended up being the
>usual long adrenaline scream for Jinsaku),


All: What the hell?
(Jonatan does a very weak flasetto scream for a few seconds.)
Jonatan: (coughs) My throat...



>they left


Charles: Those lucky bastards...



>the car several blocks from Campbell's, just in case someone was
>watching. Tyrell led them through a maze of little side streets,
>avoiding any residents who might notice.


W4: And trying to make a beeline for the power pellets before Blinky and
    Pinky rounded the corner.
Jonatan: Not to mention the madmen with the nailguns and rocket launchers.
Charles: Before Tyrell could get to the flag, though, he was burnt by a
         Pyro, and infected by an enemy medic, inadvertently teamkilling
         Jinsaku and his Magic Card.



>They stopped in an overgrown park that had branches blocking every way
>to see out... or in. "Alright, you've been keeping me in the dark all
>this time, Morgan.


Jonatan [Jinsaku]: Don't you know I need at least eight hours of sunlight
                   to maintain my photosynthesis?



>Now, how are we going to get through what Campbell's got?"


W4 [Tyrell]: Simple. We're going to use... SPAM!
All: (sings) Spam spam spam, spammeti spam spam spam, oh spam...



>Tyrell held up one of his Cards between two fingers. "We don't go
>through it; we go UNDER it!"


Jonatan [Tyrell]: You see, we stick these cards underneath our
                  fingernails, and then...



>~=~=~=~=~
>
>Secure in his mansion's office, Chase Campbell set down the last wad of
>paperwork for that day.


Charles [Campbell]: Hmm... 'Carpenter's best friend'... six letters...
                    H-A-M-M-E-R.
Jonathan [Campbell, writing]: Dear Penthouse forum, I never thought this
                              would happen to me, but...



>Despite the fact that he wasn't a particularly large guy, and wore a
>respectable business suit, he still radiated a sense of being dangerous.



Signus: So's your typical Darwin Award recipient.  What's your point?
W4: That should teach him not to go swimming outside the nuclear power
    plant.



>The sort of person who would pick someone up and break them into pieces
>just for the fun of it. And the sense was probably right.


All [Spiderman]: Campbell sense tingling!



>Campbell called his secretary on the intercom. "Has there been any sign
>of those visitors that I told security to watch out for?" "Not a sign,
>sir." 'That's strange. Normally they never risk waiting until the
>deadline is so close.'


Jonatan: Tell that to the writers I preread for.



>he thought. The secretary went on, "Security has reported one strange
>thing, sir.


Charles [Secretary]: I'm pretty sure the south wall shouldn't be made of
                     Jell-O, sir.



>Slight tremors in the ground." "Tremors? I haven't noticed... wait, I
>think I


Signus [Campbell]: I saw that movie once.  It really sucked.



>feel one now. And..." letting go of the intercom button


Signus: The button gives him an increased sense of security.
RanmaX: Yeah, but he'll have to let go sooner or later.



>so the secretary wouldn't hear, "I could swear I smell...


Charles [Campbell] Eww.  Oh, sorry.  Too much Mexican last night.
Jonatan: Have you been digging in the trash AGAIN, Camp?



>scorched metal?" He dropped the intercom with an expression of shock
>when the floor next to one of the walls buckled and a blunt metal blade,
>glowing red hot,


Jonatan: Chili Peppers.



>punched through. What he knew was an Earth-type Minion crawled out,
>followed by three people, one of whom he recognized.


Charles: (gruff voice) Avon calling, you son of a bitch!
RanmaX: Three?  So they dragged along the techno guy for NO APPARENT
        REASON!?
Charles: You never know when you'll need a loner with no apparent useful
         skills when you're dealing with an evil businessman.



>"Morgan. So, you're a friend of the punk who's going to lose to me."


Jonatan [Tyrell, confused]: No, I'm a friend of Jinsaku here. Who's the
                            punk you're talking about?



>Ignoring him, Tyrell held out his Minion's Card. "Okay, Burrower, get
>back in here." After the Minion faded,


Charles: Tyrell lived a bleak, lonely life.  He'd never forget the Minion
         who had stormed into his life all that time ago, and turned his
         world upside down...
Jonatan: (wipes away a tear) That's so sad, man...



>Tyrell backed away, leaning against the wall with a smug smile. "I'm
>staying out of this one, Campbell."


RanmaX: I just KNOW that this twerp owns a copy of "Acting Like Xelloss
        for Dummies."
Charles: (Reading) "Chapter One... How to throw in a catch phrase at every
         goddamn opportunity."



>Jinsaku turned his concrete-cracking glare on


W4: Then the foundation and frames of the house were destroyed, and they
    were all killed...



>Campbell. "I'm not about to lose to you. I've had twelve matches with
>only two losses in all this time." "Oh, twelve. Well, I'm SO impressed.
>You're talking to man with nine cards," Campbell snorted.


Singus: (snickers evilly) Would that mean that he's not playing with a
        full deck?
W4: (holds head) Augh! Not puns!
RanmaX: (snickers evilly) You could say that he's a real paper tiger, eh,
        Woof?
W4: AUGH!
Charles: It's okay. He might not know Jack, but he has an Ace up his
         sleeve.
W4: Stop it!
Jonatan: Yeah, guys!  Have a heart!  Or a club!  Or a diam-
(W4 curls up into the fetal position.)



>"If that's all you have, I'll go easy on you- for a little while. I'll
>start with my second-most powerful


RanmaX: Pokemon.



>Minion."


RanmaX: Same thing.



>"Like I care. Use whatever you've got. I can take you


Jonatan [Jinsaku]: But we'll need a bowl of jello, three lengths of rope,
                   and some cloth pegs...
(W4 just... STARES... at Jonatan.)
Jonatan: (giggles) This is fun!



>down with my second-best also." Of course, Jinsaku's second-best was
>also his favorite, and the one he was best at using. He rarely resorted
>to bringing out his most powerful Minion.


Charles: (imitating alarm) Whoop!  Whoop!  Plot point dead ahead, Captain!
Signus: No kidding.  I could see it approaching a mile away.
W4: You didn't spot it, Jon?
Jonatan: No, I was thinking about catgirls again.



>Tyrell walked to the other side of the room to keep himself well out of
>the line of fire, then dragged over Katsuya, who was off in his own
>little world as usual.


RanmaX: (signing) Dream... a little dream.. in my little corner of the
        world...
W4: Here in on the planet of Katsuya, be sure to visit the Katsuya Falls
    in Katsuya Mountains, a day's travel from Katsuya City.



>Jinsaku got out his suddenly-pathetic-seeming deck of four Cards. He
>held out his favorite, the Ice/Water mix. "Okay, Aquazor, waste him."


Charles: A...
W4: ...qua...
Jonatan: ....zor?
(All start laughing.)
Jake: (on speakers) Not particularly good with Obscure References, are you?



>In a flash of magic,


Jonatan: (sings) FLASH! AAA! Savior of the universe!



>the monstrous thing appeared a few feet in front of Jinsaku. It looked
>to be made of chunks of ice pressed together, stood about six feet high,
>had four legs jointed like a bug's, a vaguely egg-shaped torso with an
>almost unnoticable little turret of a head, and


Signus: A creamy center.



>completely mismatched arms, the right being massive and short, and the
>other being thin as a sword blade. Campbell was looking at the back of
>one of his own Cards, with a superior expression. "750/950.


(Signus clamps down on Jonatan's mouth.)
RanmaX: What's that for?
Signus: I just KNOW he's going to do a bra riff.  (pulls his hand back)
        Ow! You bit me!
Jonatan: (sourly) Getcher filthy hands off me. You think I'm some sort of
         Happosai wannabe?
Signus: Well...
Jonatan: (cheerfully again) Besides, it's not the size that counts, it's
         what in it! ^_^
Signus: AAARGH!



>Better than I thought you'd have. But you're still doomed," he stated
>off-handedly. "Dread Machine."


RanmaX [Campbell]: Oops.  I actually brought out 'Bread' Machine by
                   accident.
Charles [Campbell]: Make the best of it.  Flaky Crust Attack!



>Another flash, and Campbell's Minion loomed in the center of the room.
>It was less monstrous than Aquazor, looking like an angular robot coated
>in a layer of red clay. Naked metal gleamed on its forearms,


Charles: Going to cover Jonatan's mouth again, Signus?
Signus: Nah, I think we've breached our "Crow Syndrome" limit for this fic.
Jonatan: Huh.  Nothing alluring about THOSE forearms.



>which were tipped with paired claws that could most easily be compared
>to railroad spikes.


Jonatan: So they were stubby, rusty, and stuck in heavy boards?
Ranma X: No, they were stubby, rusty, and stuck through Jinsaku's chest.



>Jinsaku looked at its stats on the back of Aquazor's Card. Though he
>didn't show it, he nearly had a heart attack when he saw that thing's
>ratings.


Jonatan: PG-13.



>Defense/attack rated at 1360/1040. A physical powerhouse, able to take
>even more damage than it could dish out. Even scarier, though, was the
>type: Earth/Blood. Blood was even rarer than Darkness or Light, and he
>had never had to take on a Blood type before. After a tense moment, his
>resolve came back. He had never given up before- at least not in battle- 
>and he wasn't about to start now. "Aquazor,
>Washout." Even though it was totally


Charles: Out of character...



>pointless


Charles: That too.



>for him to announce the attack, due to his mental connection to his
>card, he was one of the Players still in the habit of doing it.


Jonatan: Which could really get to be embarassing at parties.
Charles [Jinsaku]: Aquazor, open can of peanuts.



>Cracks opened in Aquazor's chest, and a huge flood of water with sharp
>lumps of ice mixed in poured out,


Jonatan [Jinsaku]: Damn, it blew a valve again!  Time to take it back to
                   Honest Jim's Minion Repair Shop... AGAIN.



>slamming into Campbell's Minion, which hadn't even bothered to move,
>then the wall behind it. Jinsaku looked at how much damage his best
>special attack had done.


Charles: Specials max out at 15%.



>He went wide-eyed.


RanmaX: It's standard for anime characters.



>50.


Jonatan: HIKE!



>Goddamn.




>Points.




>Of.




>Damage.


RanmaX: Yeah.  Brain Damage...



>This was going to be a long, painful, ugly, fight.


W4: Jinsaku knew he'd have to resort to taunting.
Jonatan [Jinsaku]: OOSHA!
RanmaX [Campbell]: I know you are, but what am I?



>And that was if Campbell didn't start switching Minions.


Jonatan: I didn't know his minions were into that stuff...
Signus: I thought... forget it.



>Campbell sat down behind his desk, seemingly even more condescending
>than before. "You know how much that oak paneling cost me, punk?" He was
>sick of having to deal with the property damage from his battles. There
>were times he considered having his


Jonatan: Car turned into a giant transforming mecha.
Charles: Do you even think about what you say?
Jonatan: What makes you think I even think?
Charles: You should think, but I don't think you think about what you
         think?
Jonatan: But if you think I don't think about thinking what I think I
         think, then I don't think you can think of how I think, don'tcha
         think?
Charles: ...uh...
Jonatan: I win. ^_^
W4: This scene shamelessly stolen from the Multimediocre Knight. We expect
    a lawsuit tomorrow.
Charles: How do you know we can expect a lawsuit?
(A package lands in W4's lap and explodes, covering him in Kraft(tm)
cheese.)
W4: Call it a hunch.



>opponents arrested after the fights, but his Cards wouldn't let him...
>He then realized he'd better not get distracted. "Berserk Claw." Dread
>Machine rushed forward, faster than anything made of that much metal had a 
>right to be,


Jonatan: Do Minions even have rights?
W4: They have the right to look stupid.  Also, their ridiculous names can
    and will be used against them in a court of law.



>and tore into Aquazor with a series of slashes. Chunks of ice went
>flying, leaving huge gashes across what passed for Aquazor's head. Its
>left arm was torn loose entirely before Jinsaku had the time to think of
>a counterattack.


Charles [Jinsaku]: Piddle on his leg!
Jonatan [Jinsaku]: Start with the "Yo' mama" jokes!



>'Ice Hammer!' he thought desperately. Aquazor's right arm changed shape,
>turning into a thick sledgehammer that, with a sort of crunch/clang,
>smashed into the center of the Machine's chest and sent it sliding on
>its back halfway across the room. He checked Machine's stats. "Just
>great. Down by another 60." Warily checking his own Minion's stats, he
>saw that Campbell's one attack had already done over 100 damage. 'Okay,
>it's going to be a SHORT, painful, and ugly fight.' Despite the
>unbelievable tension he was feeling,


Jonatan: This one is far too simple.



>Jinsaku couldn't help making the same observation about himself that he
>always did when he was in battle:


Jonatan: He had a booger on his finger.



>as much as he hated being a Player, when he was actually in a fight,
>he... it wasn't "wanted to live," exactly, but more... forgot that he
>didn't.


W4: Okay, so why weren't we told earlier that Jinsaku was an undead?
Charles: It happened after Techno-Zombie-Guy bit him.



>He considered his options, and came up with a blank. He could always
>switch to Shade. It was a Darkness/Light type,


Charles: A Goth minion.  Go figure.



>and its stats would outmatch Dread Machine... no, he hated using Shade.
>It


Jonatan: Smelt of makeup... and it kept writing bad poetry.



>always made things too easy... but here and now, it still wouldn't be
>enough.

>To be continued (if this Impro catches on)...


(Jonatan hums the theme to "Back to the Future.")



>______________________________
>
>Author's note: Amazing what I got out of
>reading one untranslated installment of YU-GI-OH! isn't it?


W4: So THAT'S what "Pokemon" is called in Japan.
Charles: It actually means "cheap marketing ploy that brings in lots of
         moolah from millions of children and gullible fools".



>You might be (but probably aren't) thinking "Serious Impros don't do so
>well. Why'd he write one?" Well,


RanmaX [Author]: I'm not really sure.
W4 [Author]: The voices told me to.  It was either this or shave the cat.
Jonatan [Author]: My neighbour threatened to take off her clothes if I
                  didn't.
Charles [Author]: This is part of my ongoing war agoinst Human
                  Sensibilities.



>it's not a serious Impro, it's a serious story arc.


Signus: Joan of Arc?
Jonatan: The Arc of the Covenant?
W4: Noah's Arc?



>See, this story is meant to go in short arcs, focusing on one Player for
>a few chapters, then going on to another one. There are thousands of
>these guys, so why limit yourself? The arc style also has the advantage
>that if anyone introduces Cthulhu cultists or some crap like that, all
>the good writers will have to do is end that arc, and focus on somebody
>on the other side of the planet.


Signus [Cthulhu cultist]: And wE shAll brIng fOrth An ErA Of... hEy! whErE
                          Is EvErybOdy gOIng?
RanmaX ["Beware the Radish" admin]: Your screentime is up. The story is
                                    now going to focus on a
                                    twelve-year-old with a slight
                                    overbite.
Signus [Cthulhu cultist]: dAmn It!
Charles [12-Year-Old]: High!  Eye'm B1FF!  N1ce 2 M3aT U!



>Oh yeah, C&C (heh, yeah right) should go to neovid@hotmail.com. -=-=- High 
>Stakes: Rules of the Game and Character Guide


Charles: Finally.  We get to understand what the hell those fractions
         meant.



>(This has spoilers. Loads of them. Read the story first if you don't
>want to wreck your fun.


(All laugh hysterically.)



>In fact, you probably shouldn't read this unless you plan to write for the 
>series.)


Jonatan: Okay! Let's go!
(Jonatan runs towards the doors, then runs INTO them.  He bounces off of
them, muttering.)



>Table of Contents:
>
>1 - Terms 2 - The Cards 3 - The Elements 4 - Fusing Cards 5 - Ranking 6
>- Challenges 7 - Player's Luck 8 - Battles


RanmaX: 2 - cartons of milk
W4: 1 - dozen eggs
Jonatan: (singing) And a partridge in a pear tree!



>1 - Terms: All terms connected with the Game (such as the word Game
>right there) are capitalized. Most of the terms are self-explanatory.
>Anyone in possession of at least one Card is a Player, and is part of
>the worldwide Game. Each Card holds a Minion, which is a unique monster
>that can only be summoned by its Player.


Jonatan: Most players live in Houses, eat three Meals a day, and have no
        Social Life.



>2 - The Cards: The origin of the Cards, as well as how some people were
>chosen to become Players, is still a mystery (in other words, it's being
>left up to future writers). The Cards obviously contain powerful magic and 
>seem to
>be linked to each other. They also can give information to their
>Players, but whether the Cards have minds of their own is a matter of
>some debate.


Charles: The same goes for the Players.



>Cards also have a permanent mental connection to their Player... read
>the Battles section for the consequences of this.
>
>3 - The Elements:


RanmaX [Tom Lerher]: There's Hydrogen and Helium, Lithium, Beryllium...
Jonatan: Earth, air, fire, water, void, negativity, peppermint, metal,
        wood, deadlines... um...



>Minions can be any combination of these Elements: Fire, Air, Water, Ice,
>Earth, Lightning, Darkness, Light, and the two Elements that are outside
>of the relationships with the other Elements: Poison and Blood.


Jonatan: And Hanson.



>ELEMENT WEAK AGAINST


Charles [Puritan Lady]: I crusade against prostitution, gambling, and
                        alcohol, or as you tribals call it,



>Fire Water,


Jonathan [Tribal]: We call it alcohol, too, Ma'am.



>Earth, Light Air Fire, Lightning, Darkness Water Ice, Lightning,
>Darkness Ice Fire, Earth, Light Earth Air, Water, Darkness Lightning
>Earth, Fire, Darkness Darkness Fire, Lightning, Light Light Ice, Air,
>Darkness


RanmaX: Also of note: all the aforementioned elements are weak against
        stupidity.



>(As you can see, Darkness and Light are sometimes weak against


Jonatan: Pop music.



>Elements that are also weak against them. This results in both doing
>extremely high damage to each other.) Poison and Blood are both strong 
>against every other Element, but when
>fused with other Elements, Poison is weakened, while Blood is
>strengthened.


W4 [Author]: I don't have an explanation for it.  It's just the way it is.



>4 - Fusing Cards: The only way to gain in Rank is by fusing Cards, won
>from losing Players, with your own. The fused Card's stats are added to
>the stronger Card. The stat balance of the Card is changed depending on
>the relationship of the Elements fused. Neutral Elements will leave the
>balance unchanged. Fusing opposing Elements will result in a Card with
>low life, high attack. Fusing complementary Elements will result in a
>Card with high life and low attack.


Signus: But Fusing a Card to your Forehead using Superglue will only
       result in making the Player look Silly.



>5 - Ranking: Rank is determined very simply. Add up the complete stats
>of all of a Player's Cards,


Jonatan: Multiply with your number of toes.
W4: Add today's special at Bob's Burger Barn.
Charles: Divide by the number of Greek Dieties you can remember at the
         moment.



>compare that to the other Players, and you've got your Rank. At the
>start of chapter 1, the average Rank was a total of about 5,000.
>
>6 - Challenges: Players are assigned challenges by their Cards.


Charles: They're bossed around... by cards.
Signus: Pet humans! Yay! ^_^
Jonatan: Remember, Camp's cards wouldn't let him arrest people.  Boy, are
         they whipped.



>Both Players in the challenge are informed, with the lower-ranked Player
>having to seek out the higher-ranked. Failing to meet a challenge in
>time means a loss by forfeit for the lower-ranked Player, automatically
>giving his lowest-rated Card to the other Player. Players can challenge
>each other if they want. (Fair? Of course it's not fair. You think this
>is supposed to be fair because...?)
>
>7 - Player's Luck: The Cards have the effect of twisting probability for
>their holders. This causes Players to be much luckier than normal people.
>The Luck is generally good, but not always. The strength of the luck is
>determined by the Player's Rank. This results in a lot of speculation


Jonatan: Mainly among the players in Las Vegas.



>about what will happen to the champion of the Game. And don't forget,
>the luck does NOT apply to the Game itself, only to the rest of a
>Player's life.


Signus: Hey!  I found a ten-leaf clover!  Oh wait, I'm dead because of a
        stupid card game!
W4: I think Ranma X is rubbing off on you...




>8 - Battles: Minions are controlled telepathically by their Players,
>linked by physical contact with the Minion's Card.


Ranma X: Explaining why Minion lemon authors always look like they've just
         been beaten up.
Jake: (on speakers) Sorry, but that was intended to be 'physical,' not
                    'psychic.'



>Only two Minions can battle at a time. No outside interference is allowed.


W4: Having extra minions sneaking up with metal folding chairs is a no-no.



>The Cards will not let the rules be broken, and things will get very ugly
>for anyone who tries to do it anyway.


Jonatan: They are forced on a date with Roseanne.



>A challenge is lost when one Player's Minion is completely drained of 
>energy. That Minion's Card goes to the winning Player. The consequence
>of a Player losing all of his Cards is... death, which is why this series
>lives up to its name.


RanmaX: Pokemon.  It's not just a game.  It's a way of life.
Jonatan: (deep, rumblng voice) PIKA.



>Beware the Radish


Charles: I'm allergic to carrots, actually...
Jonatan: See the Radish.  Know the Radish.  Beware the Radish.



>11/29/99


Jonatan: NOW can we go?
(Theater doors open.)
Charles: (sighs despondently) I lost... a chance to get lucky... to
        read... A POKEMON FIC!?!
RanmaX: Well, this brightened my day...

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

       "Whee! That was fun!" Jonatan exclaimed.
       "Yeah!" Signus agreed.  "I got to do a lot of catgirl riffs!
Felicia-chan..."
       Ranma X turned to Signus.  "Alright, you... Who are you, and what
have you done to Signus?"
       "Oro?" Signus asked.
       Charles asked, "What's going on?"
       W4 stated, "Come to think of it, he seems different from his
previous MiSTing."
       "How can you tell?" Jonatan asked.
       W4 explained, "Signus doesn't like Felicia, despite his attraction
for nekojins."
       "His favorites in Darkstalkers happened to be Hsien-ko and her
sister, if I remember..." Ranma X added.
       Signus grinned darkly. "So, you found me out, eh?"
       A draconic aura surrounded Signus, his stance and voice changing
before the group.  He spoke in a deep voice, "My other Persona is writing
his delayed Impro parts even as we speak.  We earlier agreed to exchange
places in the meantime, and I'd riff this piece with you humans.  Any
questions?"
       Jonatan pulled out a spherical object.  "So, you're not human?" he
asked.
       Signus shook his head, grinning.
       Jonatan shouted, "I saw him first!  Pokeball, go!" He hurled a
red-and-white sphere at Signus, who narrowly dodged it.
       "Hey! What are you-"
       Charles pulled out a card. "Get in the card!"
       "EEP!"
       In no time, Signus was dodging and rolling, trying to avoid the
Pokeballs, cards, steel cages, nets and other incarcerating methods of
Jonatan, Charles, and W4.  Ranma X stood there, blinking and looking at
the screen.
       The Sort of Big Screen lit up again. "Have fun?" Jake asked in a
horribly bright voice.  This prompted the others to give up their chase.
A stray Pokeball bonked Jonatan on the head.
       Skribulous, still in Signus' form, glared back.  "What do you
think?!?"
       Ranma X said, with heavy sarcasm, "The horror... a fic with a
suicidally depressed main character..."
       Another smile from Jake. "Gee, does that mean you won't be doing
reviews?"
       "You want REVIEWS?!" all the MSTers yelled back.
       W4 took a deep breath, shutting his eyes.  He calmly stated,
"Simple equation.  'Pokemon' + 'A-Team' = 'High Stakes.'" A pause, then,
"...Oh, yeah.  I pity the fool who reads this fic."
       "With a little 'Magic the Gathering' for overkill," Ranma X added.
       "A little?!?" Skribulous retorted.  "You're too kind.  While the
story is workable, the mechanics added are not.  The author should choose
to be either vague or specific in the Rules and stick to it."
       Charles groaned, "Okay piece of work, but I have a feeling I'd be
making fun of it even if I didn't have to."
       "Well," Jonatan started, "I actually kinda liked it.  It's an
interesting premise.  Original, too."
       Jake blinked in curiosty at Jonatan.
       "You're drunk," Jake stated.
       Jonatan nodded gingerly.
       "...that explains THAT reaction," Jake sighed.
       Charles decided it probably would hurt to ask, but went ahead
anyway.  "Can we leave now?  I'll be sure to pummel NeoVid if I ever see
him."
       "Wait!  We can't go without mangling Dr. W4 first..." Signus
mentioned.
       "Don't worry about it," Jake told them. "You can go back to
whatever you were doing- and do what you want to W4-"
       "Mommy..." squeaked W4.
       "ALL RIGHT!" Signus and Ranma X cheered, getting their armaments
out.
       -HEY! I'M TALKING OVER HERE!-
       Even at low power, Jake's telepathic voice was a lot like being
two millimeters away from the speakers at a heavy metal concert.  After
the MSTers picked themselves off the floor, he went on.  "I was saying you
can do whatever you want to W4 AFTER you've handled NeoVid.  By the way,
anyone who's currently unarmed can have one of those..." Jake pointed them
to an open box tagged "for anti-NeoVid use only."
       "You're sure NeoVid's going to show up?" W4 asked as they looked
into the box.
       The question was answered when the door opened and NeoVid walked
in, looking at the ground.  "Hmm.  The trail of Life Savers ends here..."
He looked up and saw a group of MSTers all going through Darkfic
Aftermath, most of them with pointy sticks labeled, "Courtesy of Jake."
He gave them a "yaaagh" smile and said, "This could be somewhat
unpleasant."
       NeoVid should have received an "Understatement of the Century"
Award for saying that.
       W4 watched the retreating forms of NeoVid, Charles, Ranma X and
Signus.  He held one of Jonatan's empty Pokeballs in one hand and a
Neovid-poking stick in the other. "Hmmm..." he mused to himself.  "Capture
Sig?  Or hurt NeoVid?  Capture Sig?  Or hurt NeoVid!  I GOT IT!  I'll
capture Sig, train him, evolve him, and use him to hurt NeoVid!  And then
I'll train him to attack Akane Tendo and comma abusers!"  W4 let out a
booming, evil laugh, then ran after the group, yelling, "Heeeeere, Siggy,
Siggy, Siggy! Heeeeeere, Siggy!"

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

       Meanwhile, somewhere else, the real Signus Megido sneezed while
he was writing.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

       As the other MSTers stampeded out the door, intent on performing
graphic (four-color, even) violence upon NeoVid and the world in general,
Jonatan sighed, looked at the stick he held, and dropped it.  "Well, I'm a
pacifist."  He looked up at the screen, where Jake was busy gloating.
"Hey, Jo-Jo! Can't I just go home now?"
       Jake glared.  "If you're not obeying my orders, I have no option
but to punish you by keeping you here."
       "I get to watch more fanfics?" Jonatan grinned. "Cool!"
       "You..." Jake did an eyetwitch. "On second thought, if I left you
here, then I'd have to deal with the next Mad about it...  You can go home."

       "Hey, wait--"
       With an audible *POOF!*, Jonatan vanished.

*/\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\* */\*

Authors' Notes

Chaobino:
Whoo!  That was my first MSTing, and although it was idfficult in spots,
I'd say I did pretty good for a newbie.  Of course, I couldn't have done
it without all of you, so thanks.  Oh, and yeah, I can't wait until next
IFR, or at least Thinker's story.  A Superfriends fic written by Thinker.
This truly is great.

Jonatan:
Waiwai! This was actually very fun! I want to thank W4 for coming up with
this idea and my co-MSTiers for being a very supporting cast to do riffs
with.  I also want to apologize for those occasions when I hogged most of
the riffs.  Soree... I got carried away. ^_^;;

Anyway, thanks for reading, and I hope I can do this again. See ya on the
flip side!

NeoVid:
Well, only doing host segments was new for me.  And now I know what it's
like to be MSTed.  Yech.  Whattaya mean, I didn't stick with being
specific??  ^_^  OK, they all turned out to be good MSTers.
In fact, if they get any better, I'll have to break their fingers so they
can't compete with me.

(Editor's Note: Eek!)

Well, if you liked High Stakes (the fic I mean), YOU can write part of it
at http://www.mit.edu/~johne/btr/ . And if you have any comments, I'm still 
at
neovid@hotmail.com.

Ranma X:
Wow.  Second one down the drain.  It was a wild ride, though the hardest
part was the entrance scene.  Thanks to W4, Jon, NeoVid, Sig, and Chaobino
for the riffs and relative coolness.

I'm probably am gonna step out of the next one, but I'll sure as hell be
back for Dr. Thinker's piece of goop.  I'm also waiting for my chance at
villany.

MWUHAHAHAHHA- cough cough..need practice.

Anyways, you can contact me at drstupid@geocities.com.  Now I kinda have
to get back to writing West Eastwood High..

(Runs like hell)...

Signus:
Oi. This was a bad timing. We get to riff a work I liked, only to have
deadlines catch me.  Thanks to my co-MSTiers for filling in for me,
especially some of the funnier riffs.  (Jonatan, I'm looking at your
general direction here.)  Enjoy.

W4:
At the risk of sounding arrogant, I think this one turned out well, too.
I dare say that ImproFicRoast is here to stay!  Woo hoo!

Be warned: I'm going into full-blown "URL Slut" mode:

-http://www.students.rhodes.edu/%7Eknoke/indie/indie.html
(Indie Madnesse, the home of ImproFicRoast)

-http://www.dimfuture.net/elsewhere/mot.html
(Mystery Octagon Theater 3000.  The head editor, Wanderer, gave me a few
helpful pointers. And he and his crew do some darn funny MiSTings of
their own.)

[Other editor's note: also, we made OCRs to their stuff.  Deal with it.]

-http://www.mit.edu/~johne/btr/
(Beware The Radish, the home of the (unMiSTed) High Stakes
improfanfiction.)

Our next project is going to be [gasp] an outside fanfiction (which is to
say "not part of an improvisational fanfiction.")  It'll be
ImproFicRoast's first acid-test, but I think it will turn out just great.

And, as always, I gladly share the praise and hog the complaints.  Send
c&c to indiemadw4@home.com.



>"50. Goddamn. Points. Of. Damage."