MYSTERY MANIAC THEATER Y3K or SARCASM R' US A collaboration MSTing by Jonatan Streith and Yasha. "Twisted minds think alike..." Jonatan's notes: Second episode! We're rolling now! Yasha's notes: [Silence. Crickets can be heard in the distance.] Legalese: Mystery Science Theater is owned by Best Brains Inc. and The Sci-Fi Channel. DEEP 13 is owned by Dr. Forrester, and is used without permission. Malaise, Brother Maynard, The Blank Psychic, and other Do-Gooders villains are owned by Improfanfic and Stefan Gagne, and are used with permission. Honest! Jonatan is owned by Jonatan Streith. Use him without permission and you'll wake up with the severed body of Barry Manilow in your bed. Yasha, Gina, Cat and Ryuu are owned by Yasha. This MSTing is owned by Jonatan Streith and Yasha, copyright 1999. The fanfic "Wings over China" is owned by Scott Jamison, and he's welcome to it, or something. It's used with permission, can you believe it? No offense is intended with this work; it is merely created in order to amuse. Should anyone feel offended, you are advised to just ignore it, or pretend it's a walrus. Neither Jonatan nor Yasha takes any responsibility for what may be the results from reading this MiSTing. * * * In the not too distant present At just after half-past two there was a guy named Jonatan A bit different from me and you He worked for the Improfanfic crew just another cog in the writers' zoo But the characters didn't like his ways so they asked Dr. Forrester to shoot him into space... We'll send him crappy fanfics, the worst anyone can find, he'll have to sit and watch them all, and slowly lose his mind! Now keep in mind Jonatan can't control where the fanfic begins or ends, so he'll try to keep his lunacy with the help of some mental friends! MENTAL ROLL CALL! Ryuu! (Is it over yet?) Gina! (Oh, dear..) Cat! (Otaku-girl Ichiban!) Yasha! (Bring it on!) If you're wondering how they'll survive up there, and other normal stuff, just repeat to yourself, it's just a text, and that you should just relax, on Mystery Maniac Theater Y3K! (guitar twang) [Scene: The bridge of the Satellite of Chaos. The desk is covered with bottles, jars, packages, and bowls. Yes, Yasha is commiting the crime to humanity that she so laughingly calls "cooking". Ryuu is assisting her, in a futile attempt to save lives. Currently, Yasha is garbed in a pale apron embroidered with a baby chick and the words 'piyo piyo' across the chest. Ryuu is wearing a military MOP-4 outfit (for defence against biological, chemical, and radiological warfare.)] Yasha: There! Now, we'll add salt... [grabs a jar and starts sprinkling the contents into the bowl] Ryuu: That's not salt... [turns to the camera] Oh. Hi, and welcome to the Satellite of Chaos. Today, Yasha is going to show how to make toxic waste at home. Yasha: [breaks a bottle over his head] Very funny, dragon-boy. Who are you talking to, anyway? Ryuu: [rubs his head] Well, the camera over there, of course. A bit hard to miss, don't you think? Yasha: Oh, okay. Now, we'll add the pickled onions... [The door to the lab opens, and Jonatan walks out, yawning a bit.] Jonatan: Oh, hi guys. Slept well? [sniffs] Smells lovely. Yasha: [proudly] Why thank you! Ryuu: 'Hope over experience', huh? Jonatan: Ah, there's my liquid cyanide. [grabs a jar off the desk, and walks away.] Ryuu: ... Yasha: Uh... maybe we should throw it out and start over? Ryuu: Why? It can hardly make it worse. [Yasha promptly jumps Ryuu and wrestles him to the ground.] [Commercial break. Damn, and it was a brand new one, too...] Cat walks into the room, proudly sporting a Gunsmith Cats t-shirt.] Cat: Hi, what's... [notices the scene] Yasha's... cooking?! [grabs the pot and throws it offscreen] Whew! We'll live a bit longer now. [notices the Mad's light blinking] Hey, phonecall! [she presses the button. The face of General Malaise appears on the hexfield, flanked by the other two villains.] [DEEP 13] Malaise: Hi! How's the air up there? [SOC] Cat: You should know, you people are supplying it. Yasha: [gets up from behind the desk] Another fic today? [DEEP 13] Malaise: Oh, yes. [peers intently at the screen] Say, I can't find your irritating friend... [SOC] Jonatan: [walks in] You don't find me, I find you. So what's it about today? Hey, where's Green-man and his disposable flunky? [DEEP 13] Blank Psychic: Dr. Forrester is of no concern anymore! This place is now the property of the great Villyn-sama! Maynard: [shakes his deformed head] nO. dEEp 13 nOw hAIls UndEr thE nAmE Of thE grEAt cthUlhU. Blank Psychic: [slightly peeved] No, Villyn. [the two starts squabbling] Malaise: Men... anyway, it's time for... [looks at a note] the 'Invention Exchange'. [SOC] Yasha: We have to do those? But if Forrester-sama got thrown out... Jonatan: Forrester-*sama*? Yasha: He's just so... so... evil! [grins goofily] [DEEP 13] Malaise: Can't stand mustachioed guys... anyway, I suppose you haven't got an invention, then. [SOC] Jonatan: Not so! [dramatically] For by using my immense knowledge of advanced science and technology (which I seemed to have acquired recently for very little actual reason, as well as my ability to pronounce parentheses and perform rather long run-on sentences), I've created one of my greatest and most advanced feats yet... [takes a deep breath] Cat: You're getting better at that. Jonatan: [nods, and holds out a small device with a red button] ...the Reality Adjuster 2000 (tm)! [DEEP 13] Maynard: [incredulous] rEAlItY AdjUstEr? whAt sOrt Of rIdIcUlOUs nAmE Is thAt, wOrm? [SOC] Jonatan: Says the guy who invented the Hello Cthulhu doll. [cheerfully] Anyway, the Reality Adjuster 2000... Cat: ...(tm)... Jonatan: ...erases unwanted things from the time/space continuum. [DEEP 13] Malaise: Huh? BP: Just like that? [SOC] Jonatan: Yes! Just by pressing this button... [presses the red button] [DEEP 13] [The villains collectively holds their breaths] Malaise: Hey! Where's the flashy special effects? [SOC] Yasha: So, whiz-kid... what part of the history did you erase? Jonatan: [dramatically] From now and evermore on, the show Beverly Hills 90210 will never have existed. [massive facefault] Yasha: [gets up] You built a device to... Jonatan: Yeah. [grins] Yasha: [shakes her head] Good choice, though. [blinks] Hey, how come we remember it if it was wiped out? Jonatan: The device implants the memory of the show in the minds of everyone present, just after it's activated. Yasha: But how does IT remember? Jonatan: Well, then we're getting into advanced technobabble... Yasha: Um, forget it. Gina: [walks out of the wall] Hello, am I late? Cat: No, you just missed the invention exchange. Gina: Oh no. Oh, and I found this box of Hamdingers in the bay... Jonatan: Maybe later. [to the screen] So, what do you think? [DEEP 13] Blank Psychic: [in tears] How DARE you ruin my favorite show?! Maynard: fOrtUnAtElY thEy dIdn't thInk Of UsIng It tO gEt Off thE sAtEllItE... [SOC] Yasha: [blinks] Hey... Jonatan: Good idea! [DEEP 13] Malaise: [blanches] No! You can't! Um, we erected a field around the satellite. Yeah, that's it. So you can't get off it, no siree. [SOC] Jonatan: Damn. Yasha: Probably a Plot Contrivance field... Jonatan: So, what's YOUR invention? [DEEP 13] Blank Psychic: Hah! We shall give you no inventions! [SOC] Yasha: Um... but it's standard. [DEEP 13] Malaise: Well, we don't care! [grins evilly] As for your fanfic... the terror of the day is a little fic called "Wings over China". Enjoy... NOT! [SOC] Jonatan: Hey, where's Ryuu? Yasha: Unconscious behind the desk. [klaxons go off] Cat: OH NO, WE HAVE MOVIE.. uh, fanfic.. SIGN! Jonatan: Someone grab spike-boy, he can't slack off like that. Gina: Allow me. [Gina's eyes glow for a moment, and Ryuu floats up from the floor and into the theater.] Jonatan: [blinks] Yasha... since when did Gina have psychic powers? Yasha: Since always. You think any part of my personality would do housework without 'em? [Door sequence] [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [Everyone sits down. From left to right: Ryuu, Yasha, Jonatan, and Cat.] Yasha: [shakes Ryuu] Hey! Wake up! Jonatan: Here, I'll use this smelling-salt... [leans across Yasha] Yasha: Hey! What do you think you're doing?! [shoves him off her. Jonatan collapses on the floor.] Ryuu: [wakes up] Uhh... where am I? [looks around] Oh, GREAT. *Another* fic? Jonatan: [climbs back into his seat] 'Fraid so. > Scott Jamison Cat: The enemy, ladies and gentlemen. Jonatan: Aim the cannons. Yasha: To hell with the cannons. Get the tac nuke. > > Just to confuse you, a complete fan-fic while I try to finish one > of my ongoing series! Jonatan: You know, your ongoing series won't go by any faster by writing this. Yasha: In fact, it'd have been nice if you wrote that one instead... Ryuu: Then we wouldn't have to read this! > WINGS OVER CHINA > by Scott K. Jamison > (Note: Gargoyles and its associated characters are owned by the > all-powerful Disney Corporation; Ranma 1/2 and its associated concepts > was created by Rumiko Takahashi, no infringement is intended so *please* > don't hurt me!) Yasha: We don't want to hurt you for copyright infringement! Cat: We'd just like to hurt you! Ryuu: Gah... with that title I feared for Wings Over Honneamise, too... > > Narrator: Previously, on Gargoyles... Jonatan: Meanwhile, back at the ranch... Ryuu: Last time, on 'Knights'... Cat: Last episode, them Duke boys -- Yasha: That's it, you're on warning! > (From the end of the Avalon episodes) > > Tom: Ye dinna understand! Avalon doesn't take ye where ye want to go; > it sends ye where ye need tae be! Cat: (Tom) The engines cannae take it anymore -- oo, wait, wrong script! > (From the Mirror episode, the scenes of Elisa as a gargoyle, then > Goliath as a human; then the end of that episode, as Goliath turns to > stone.) > > Elisa: I know, Goliath, but that's the way it is. Yasha: And now, more random scenes that make no sense! Ryuu: I think he's attempting foreshadowing. Cat: He should stop before he hurts himself. > (TITLE SEQUENCE) > > (A foggy night; as the mist clears, we see a valley filled with Jonatan: ...lard. No kidding, it's lard. OH MY GOD, WE'RE GONNA GET SUED! Yasha: Are you on some kind of medication? Jonatan: Not that I know of. > many small pools. Out of many of them stick bamboo poles of various > heights. Emerging from the fog is a small skiff with four occupants. > How it got here is unclear, since there's no water connecting the pool > they're in to anywhere else. Ryuu: It's called magic fog. Cat: It's fun at parties, too! Yasha: Don't you mean a magic plot device? Jonatan: It's all these things and more! > > The occupants are: Goliath, head gargoyle > of his clan; Angela, his daughter by human standards; Detective Elisa > Maaza, one of the gargoyles' few human friends; and Bronx, the gargoyle > "dog". (Check any Gargoyles web page for pictures.) The skiff bumps > into the shore of the pool.) Ryuu: And sinks, drowning them all. The end. Jonatan: You three are awfully dark today... Yasha: We're cranky today.. didn't you see that review of our first episode? [There's a thumping sound in the background. No one pays any notice.] Cat: Hmm. 'Pool of drowned main characters'? Ryuu: [horrified] Don't even intimate it! Other people might fall in and make a sequel! > Elisa: We're here...wherever here is. Bamboo poles, somewhere in Asia > maybe? Ryuu: Either that or a zoo. Jonatan: Man, the author asks US where his story is taking place... > Goliath: You're more familiar with geography than either of us. > > Angela: It seems peaceful here. I think I like it. > > Bronx: Grrr? > > (A rabbit comes leaping up, and onto the prow of the boat, just > as Elisa is standing up. Bronx jumps at it, sending her off balance.) Cat: If they go to Wonderland, I'm leaving. Yasha: There's no air out there. Cat: I don't care. Jonatan: Cue the classic Juusenkyou slapstick! > Elisa: Whoa boy! (She falls into the water.) Cat: Good call. Jonatan: No problem. > Goliath: Elisa! > Ryuu: (as Goliath) Wait, you forgot your water wings! > (He leans over and holds out his hand. It's grasped, but > something looks odd about Elisa's hand. Goliath and Angela's faces > register shock.) Cat: (AI voice) Shock registered. Preparing countermeasures. > (But we switch to Bronx, who's still after that rabbit. It's > more agile, and the gargoyle plunges into a pool.) Jonatan: [confused] But if it's agile, shouldn't it be able to avoid the pool? Cat: He was referring to the rabbit. Jonatan: Oh. He didn't make it clear. > (Switch again to Angela and Goliath's backs, blocking our view.) > > Angela: Elisa, you-- > > Goliath: Oh, Elisa! > > Elisa: What? Is something wrong? Ryuu: (Goliath) No, it's perfectly all right that you're hanging out with a bunch of stone statues. > Goliath: You're...a-- > > (The wings part, and we can see Elisa, who has become a > gargoyle. Not the ersatz Elisa-with-wings of the Mirror episode, but > more like Delilah, the Elisa/Demona crossbreed created by Thailog. She > looks at her clawed hands and her eyes glow bright orange.) Jonatan: Some Visine will fix that. Ryuu: (Goliath) Nice contacts you're wearing. Cat: (Elisa) I'm not wearing contacts... > Elisa: YARRH!! (lots of reverb.) Yasha: Well, adjust the stereo then! Ryuu: Gah, as long as it's not that echo-plex crap... > Bronx (off): Yipe! > > (Everyone turns to look. Out of the pool Bronx fell in to crawls Jonatan: ...Jimmy Hoffa. Cat: So THAT'S where he's been hiding all along! Ryuu: At least it's not Elvis. > a naked human male. (Shadows hide the good bits :-) Ryuu: The... good bits. Suure... Yasha: Depends on your point of view, sweetie. > He crouches on all > fours and throws back his head.) > > Man-Bronx: Owooo! Jonatan: Meaning 'I'm naked and cold and wet and just crouched on a thorny plant'. Yasha: [evil laugh] > (There's a flash of lantern light across the gargoyles. Behind > it we see a middle-aged Chinese man in a Mao uniform carrying the > lantern.) Jonatan: (Guide) I'm looking for an honest man. Yasha: (Guide) Dammit, I KNOW I lost my glasses here... > Guide: Nii hao! > > Elisa: Uh, niihao. Do you speak English? > > Guide: A little, Miss Customer. > > Elisa: You don't seem to be surprised to see us. Cat: Nothing surprises the Guide anymore. Jonatan: What with all the weird martial artists and animals and whatnot literally dropping by... Ryuu: ...the local gods coming by to blow things up... Yasha: Shh! Don't spoil things for people! > Guide: A little surprised. Never have three people fall in Spring of > Drowned Gargoyle at one time before. > > Elisa: Spring of *what*? Ryuu: No, spring of *Drowned Gargoyle*. Get it right. Cat: Who'd want to be a drowned baseball player, anyway? All: FIRST BASE! > Guide: Legend, very tragic, of gargoyle who drown there 900 years ago. > Now anyone who fall in pool take body of gargoyle. Ryuu: Oh, what terrible tragedy! Cat: That they fell in? Ryuu: No, that we're reading this. > Elisa: And that's what happened to me, er us? > > Angela: Sorcery! Yasha: (Angela as Kuno) 'Tis that foul Saotome! > Man-Bronx: Growf. > > Guide: Oh, and dog fall in Spring of Drowned Man, I guess. > > Goliath: Come, Elisa, it is nearly dawn. Sir, could you watch our, um, > dog? > > Guide (realization dawning): Sure thing, Mr. Customer. Jonatan: (Guide) I'll 'watch' him with some onions and soy sauce... > (A secluded cave nearby.) > > Elisa: What am I going to do now, Goliath? I'm a gargoyle! > > (He puts his wing around her.) > > Angela: There are worse fates, Elisa. Cat: (Angela) Now you and Dad can make sweet, sweet love! Ryuu: (Angela) And I get to watch! Yasha: [whaps Ryuu] > Elisa: I suppose. I know I wouldn't want to be Bronx now. It's kind of > ironic. Demona has to be human part of the time, and now, I'm like this. > > Goliath: If it is any comfort, by our standards you are exceedingly > beautiful. > > Elisa: Flatterer. Jonatan: I thought flattering was something you did with a mallet. Ryuu: No, that's flatteNing -- and trust me, I'm the expert on the difference, thanks to these two. Cat and Yasha: [innocent looks] What? > Angela: Perhaps there's a cure. We'll ask tonight. > > Goliath: Yes. I have a feeling we have not yet done all we came here to > do. Yasha: When did we cross over into 'Quantum Leap'? Cat: Al! Sam! Come save us from this fanfic! Leap in and make our lives better! > (The sun comes up and the three turn to stone.) > > (Some time later, several trucks pull up to the pools. Three of > them have large tanks for liquid on them. Xanatos' mercenaries hop out; Cat: [giggling] Hop, hop, hop! Jonatan: Amazing frog mercs! Yasha: At least all of Kermit's relatives are getting day jobs.. > two of them approach a small hut.) > (Inside the hut, we see the Guide and Man-Bronx. The latter has > now been supplied with a loincloth, much to the relief of Standards and > Practices.) Ryuu: Thanks for small mercies. > Guide (Speaking Chinese at the moment, but it sounds like English to us): Cat: Hmm, looks like the Deus ex Machina is active. Jonatan: You kidding? The entire Juusenkyou is a huge Deus ex Machina! > Not to worry, your masters will return with the sunset, as I recall my > grandfather's tales of gargoyles. In the meantime, I'll make some tea. > It's very good for nerves. > > (The door crashes open, and two of the mercenaries (Bates & > Johnson) enter, waving their blasters.) Yasha: [eyes sparkly] It's Norman! Ryuu: Um, no... some other Bates. Yasha: Foo. [looks dejected] Cat: I wouldn't get hopes up anyway... it'd probably be that non-Anthony- Perkins actor they hired for the remake of Psycho. Ryuu: [growling] A travesty that still has not been aptly punished! > Bates: All right, old man. You and the loony just stay where you are > and you won't get hurt. > > Guide: I not move, Mr. Customer. > > Man-Bronx: Grr! > > (He leaps at Bates, who accidentally shoots Johnson. Johnson's > gun goes off, knocking a piece of the roof onto the Guide's head. Ryuu: And apparently Xanatos hires from Temp Clutz! Yasha: Either that, or Johnson took lessons in aim from Kurt Russell... Cat: [whips out a sign, on which is printed "Big Trouble in Little China Reference!"] > As > they struggle, Bates and Man-Bronx slam into the stove, spilling hot > water on them. Bates goes unconscious; Bronx turns to stone (but *not* > gargoyle form!) Jonatan: [angry] *Really*? And why not, oh great author? Yasha: Whoa! Calm down! > (Next to one of the trucks (which bear the Gen-U-Tech logo) is > the evil genetics genius Dr. Sevarius, who has one hand in a cast. He's > approached by Elkton, another of the mercenaries.) > > Sevarius: Well? Jonatan: (Elkton) The flies here are yummy! Ribbit! > Elkton: That Chinese guy musta been tougher than we figured. He managed > to knock out Bates and Johnson while they were taking him down He's also > got interesting taste in art. There's a statue of a half-naked man in > the hut. > > Sevarius: You don't say. Man, not monster? Jonatan: (Frankenstein's monster) Am I a man... or a monster? Cat: I am not a man, I am a human being!!! Yasha: [sweatdrop] Ryuu: That's *not* the right quote... > Elkton: Nope, just an average-looking half-naked guy. > > Sevarius: Hmm. Well, start the extraction process. > > Elkton: Yessir! > > (Night falls, and the gargoyles waken from their stone sleep with > mighty roars.) Cat: (announcer) Yes, Stone Sleep with mighty roars! Let yourself be lulled into a solid sleep by the mighty roars of some of the... Ryuu: Can it. Yasha: Meanwhile, in tingly-wingly stock footage land... > (In the hut, Man-Bronx also awakens, and transforms into > Gargoyle-Bronx.) Jonatan: (Bronx) I am the lovely stone-suited warrior Gargoyle-Bronx, and in the name of the moon... Others: [groan] > Bronx: Garooo! (Translation: "It's good to be back!") > Yasha: Not to be confused with 'Garoo,' meaning "I have messed on the carpet." Cat: Or 'Garoo,' meaning "Look a cute little fuzzy wuzzy edible bunny wabbit!" Ryuu: Not to mention 'Garoo,' meaning, "Ah! I have found a fresh fire hydrant!" Jonatan: "The Book of 'Garoo'"... coming soon after the publication of "The Book of 'Ook'". > (He pads over and licks the Guide's face. That worthy is bound > and gagged, however.) > Ryuu: I'd gag, too, if that thing were slobbering on me. Cat: At least it's in its dog form while it's doing that.. Yasha: Eeeeew, mental picture! > (The gargoyles spread their wings.) > > Goliath: We'd better teach you how to glide, Elisa. You didn't have > much chance to practice the last time you had wings. > Ryuu: It's gliding. You climb to a high spot. You spread your wings. You jump. It's not that hard... Yasha: He thinks she'll forget the whole 'opening her wings' bit... > Elisa: Oh yes, I remember. Here goes! > > (They take off. Elisa flutters clumsily at first, but with a > little correction soon gets the hang of it.) > Ryuu: (Elisa) Adjust ailerons.. correct for lack of thermals... shifting yaw along the axis, and take offYEAAARGHG!!! Yasha: And so did Elisa plummett to her untimely death. Cat: Untimely, hell -- if she died this dreck would be over! Jonatan: Nah. The author would just have everyone mope around and mourn her, and angst and all that stuff. > Elisa: I'm flying! I'm actually flying! (Tries to do an aerial loop > and stalls out. Before she falls very far, Goliath catches her and gets > her back on the level. > > Goliath: Not flying. Gliding. Ryuu: (falsetto) Oops! Duh, my bad! Yasha: (falsetto) It's that whole 'thinking' thing... it's a little beyond me. > Angela: Look, Father. Trucks near those pools! Jonatan: (Angela) Shiny trucks... Yasha: (Tick) Shiny things are great! > Goliath: Gen-U-tech trucks. They can only be up to no good. > Ryuu: Sadly, this time they were innocently collecting donations for 'Toys for Tots' Yasha: And so, when the little teary-eyed children go without Christmas this year, you'll know who to blame! > Elisa: We should try to scout out what's going on and try to find > Bronx. Angela, you're the smallest of us now, you'll have to do. > > Angela: Yes, M-Elisa. (She dives near the trucks.) > Yasha: What was she about to call her, 'Master?' Ryuu: Mistress Nine? Jonatan: Malaise? Cat: Mallomar? All: Mallomar? Cat: I can't help it, I didn't have breakfast! [stomach growls] > (Elkton and his fellow mercenary Tirpitz talk by one of the > trucks as we hear the steady chug of a pump. They'd like to smoke, but > Standards and Practices won't let us show that :-) Yasha: (Tirpitz) Damn those viewers! Just because of them, I can't go for a smoke! Jonatan: (Elkton) At least the flies are all right. Ribbit! > Squinting, we see > Angela lurking nearby.) > Cat: Fortunately for Angela, all the Temp Thugs suffer from medical conditions that prevent them from squinting, so they completely fail to notice her. > Tirpitz: So what's so special about this water anyways? > > Elkton: All I know is Doc Sevarius is interested in it, and we have > orders not to drink it, swim in it, or even let a drop touch our skins. > My guess is some kind of contaminant. You notice nobody but that one guy > lives near here? Ryuu: And his grand-daughter, and that funky Juusenkyou league, and... Yasha: Enough, please. > Tirpitz: And from what I hear, he's the toughest old coot in the > valley. Jonatan: Not hard, since he's the ONLY coot in the valley. > Bates and Johnson wake up yet? > > Elkton: Naw, but we got the old guy tied up real good in the hut. You > want some coffee? > > (Angela fades back into the shadows.) Ryuu: (Angela) You can't see me! I'm OBFUSCATING! Jonatan: Cool! [crosses his arms and fades into the shadows] Cat: Huh? [turns to look] Hey, where did he go? Yasha: Pft! Obfuscating, nothing! This fic is a much greater test of Fortitude. > (She rejoins Goliath and Elisa.) > > Angela: They are siphoning off the spring water, no doubt for their > nefarious experiments. The one behind it is Doctor Sevarius. Yasha: The nefarious Doctor Sevarius... Gah. Jonatan: No wonder he's turned nefarious, growing up with that name... Ryuu: Could be worse. With a name like that, he might've grown up to dress as a Roman Centurion.. All: [shudder] > Goliath: I thought we'd seen the last of him at Loch Ness. > > Elisa: Remember when he was supposedly shocked to death by electric > eels? The man is obviously an escape artist. > Yasha: Nah, he just stole one of those 'portable holes' from the neighboring Warner cartoons... Jonatan: Must've been a plot hole... > Angela: They're holding the man we met last night in that hut. No word > on Bronx. > > Goliath: Elisa, you free the man. Angela and I will attempt to destroy > the tankers. > > Elisa: But be careful not to get any of that water on yourselves. No > telling what would happen. I... don't want to lose you. Either of you. > > (Goliath and Elisa exchange one of those meaningful glances...Angela > doesn't quite get it.) Cat: So, Angela is completely blind? Yasha: And deaf? Jonatan: And dumb? Ryuu: The emphasis being on dumb. > (As Elisa swoops towards the hut, the door suddenly crashes out > (being none too steady after being crashed in earlier) and Bronx hops > forward. The Guide is hanging on for dear life around his neck.) > > Guide: In words of Chairman Mao, Aiyah! > Yasha: In the words of Crow T. Robot, bite me! Jonatan: In the words of the Undertaker, REST IN PEACE! Cat: In the words of Sailor Moon, Oshiokiyo! Ryuu: In the words of Cid Highwind, #!$%@#$ $%@@%@#!! Yasha: Don't you mean Tasuki? Ryuu: Who can tell the difference? > (The mercenaries start firing wildly. Elisa glides down and > pulls the guide out of the way.) > > Elisa: Going my way? > > (Meanwhile, Angela and Goliath tip over a tanker truck, then gash > it open, leaping away before the leaking water can hit them.) Jonatan: And apparently we missed the episode where Angela and Goliath trained to learn the 'Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire' technique... Yasha: Faster than sound! Cat: Stronger than dirt! Ryuu: Dumber than Birdy! Jonatan: Able to skip the laws of physics in one leap! > (Suddenly, more mercenaries spring from ambush and fire > electrified nets. Angela is caught first, then Elisa (who is no longer > carrying the Guide) and Bronx and finally Goliath, who takes three nets > to take down. Sevarius strolls forward.) > > Sevarius: Well, well. You do get around, don't you Goliath? And your > lovely daughter-- > > Angela: *SNARL* > Cat: (Angela) I just hate when my hair snarls and tangles up, don't you? All: [wince] > Sevarius: And the family dog of course. But where is Detective Maaza? > And who is this new gargoyle? > Ryuu: And here we have a man that cannot put two and two together, folks! Jonatan: That fits right in with this group. > Goliath: Don't touch her! Jonatan: (Goliath) You'll get girl cooties! > Sevarius: I see. So the legends about Jyuusenkyo being able to > completely restructure someone's genetic pattern are true! I had wondered > how..Bronx, was it? had gotten into the hut without being seen. It's > fortunate you dropped by. I need some volunteers to test the effects of > the water. Ryuu: And Sevarius proves why he's a doctor -- he's smart enough to rub two thoughts together and EVENTUALLY come up with a third. > > (The Guide walks up casually.) > > Guide: Excuse please. > > Sevarius: I'm rather busy gloating just now. Guards? > > Guide: Another gargoyle behind you. (points) > > Sevarius: What? (looks. Sucker.) All: [pained looks] Ryuu: This is getting a 9.5 on my Awful-Meter. Yasha: How about the Shame-o-Meter? Cat: [grimly] Well into the Giga-Lawford range. > > (The Guide pushes Sevarius into a pool.) > > Guide (in mock horror): Oh no, not Spring of Drowned Cockroach! That > pool have especially tragic legend of cockroach who drown there 723 years > ago next Tuesday! Ever since--you get picture. Jonatan: Whoa! Look who's just grown a spine! Yasha: Nah... that's only if he steps on the roach. Cat: Grow a spine, lose an exoskeleton... that's the way of the world. > (He takes out a small net and fishes a bug from the pool.) > > (The mercenaries are so dumbfounded by all this they've been just > standing around looking stunned. Yasha: Professional soldiers, huh? Ryuu: Not even Temp Klutz would want anything to do with these rejects! > The gargoyles take the opportunity to > escape the nets and kick butt in a really exciting action scene.) Jonatan: Uh... I suppose we'll have to take your word for it, author... Yasha: Yes, don't waste a precious action scene on *us*. Ryuu: The fanfic that takes the bold step of *not* including the reader! > (Later, the mercenaries and a restored Sevarius are carted off by > a gaggle of formidable-looking women bristling with martial arts > weaponry.) > > Goliath: What will be done with them? > > Guide: Amazon wise woman make them forget about Jyuusenkyo and Cursed > Springs. Not worry. Do this to government officials all time. Here is > hot water. > Ryuu: What a waste of a moment that could have adequately been taken care of with Raid... Jonatan: But that would have ruined the continuity. Ryuu: And that would be bad HOW? > (Elisa takes the kettle and pours it over herself, returning to > human. Her outfit is in shreds, though still modest enough for > children's TV.) Jonatan: How *nice* of him to keep the PG-rating, just in case someone shows this on children's TV. > Elisa: It feels good to be me again. > > Goliath: You were always yourself to me. > > (They exchange another meaningful glance. Angela is pretty sure > they're not telling her something.) Ryuu: Urgh. I may vomit. Cat: ehck! Need... insulin! Going into sugar-shock! Yasha: Dictionary definition of Angela: See oblivious. > > Guide: Remember, cold water on, hot water off. Miss Customer's friends > not change back? > > Angela: We were always gargoyles. > > Guide: Ah, so. (Obviously thinking "I knew it!") Ryuu: I highly doubt anyone in this fic has *ever* thought *anything*. Jonatan: More likely going through it blindfolded. > Luck on your > journey. And thank you, Bronx. (scratches Bronx behind the ear.) > > Bronx: Growf! Jonatan: Meaning 'I think your hand might be tasty'. > (The regulars board the skiff.) Jonatan: [starts singing the theme to 'Gilligan's Island'] Yasha: [growls] You're on warning! Jonatan: [snickers] I'm SO scared. Ryuu: [to Cat] If we run now, we might get out of Ground Zero. > (They cast off, and the fog moves in.) > > Elisa: Y'know, this "curse" has definite possibilities. > Yasha: (as narrator) And Elisa and Goliath share ANOTHER 'meaningful glance'... Jonatan: (as Angela) Gosh, I just think there's something I'm missing in this scene! Ryuu: (as Goliath) Finally, we can rut like crazed weasels! Cat: Does anyone else find the thought of Gargoyle nookie disturbing? Jonatan: Yes. > Angela: I just thought of something, Father. If you had dipped in the > Drowned Man pool, you could visit Elisa in the human world. > > Goliath: D'oh! Ryuu: Please kill me now. Yasha: Me first, dammit. Jonatan: And lo, Goliath worked in a nuclear power plant and married a woman named Marge... > (The fog closes in.) > > THE END > > Well this would certainly change one scene from the Gathering > episode, wouldn't it? Jonatan: So who's going to cut off Elisa's head? Cat: Me! Me! Yasha: No fair! > Also note this fic doesn't contradict anything in the other > Ranma/Gargoyles crossover recently posted. Yasha: I'd say something nasty, but I haven't read those. Ryuu: Oh, who cares? Say something nasty anyway. > If anyone is also on a Gargoyles list, you have my permission to > forward this story to that list, provided all due credit is given. > > SKJAM! > > Yasha: That's it. Jonatan: I'm outta here. [the gang get up and leaves] [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [Scene: Bridge of the SoC. The jars have been cleaned away, and Gina is aparently busy baking; it would explain why a steady stream of muffins are flying out of the oven. The group walks out of the theater door.] Jonatan: Pain. Ryuu: Pain. Yasha: Pain. Cat: Money. Others: [looks oddly at her] Huh? Cat: Just checking. [the yellow light goes off] The baddies are calling. [pushes the button] [The screen lights up to show... let's just call the place DEEP 13, okay? The Blank Psychic is locked in a glaring match with Brother Maynard... possibly. It's hard to tell, when one combatant has a horribly transmuted face, and the other one wears a mask. Vuudu the Astrologer is standing up close, smiling at the screen.] Vuudu: [cheerful] Hi there! [SOC] Gina: Hi! All except Gina: [stunned silence] [DEEP 13] Vuudu: [slightly less cheerful] Like I said, hi. [SOC] Cat: Ohhh... bishounen... Yasha: Uh... hi! Remember me? I wrote you! And I've never written you as an idiot, honest! Ryuu: Oh yeah? What about the scene-- [gets malleted into the ground] Jonatan: And I wrote you to look cool and all that! And I gave you a girlfr.. uh, boyfr... um, whatever... Yasha: So can you get us down from here? [DEEP 13] Vuudu: [peers closely at the screen] You do know I'm supposed to be evil, right? Besides, I'm just here to pick up my date. Malaise: [walks on screen. He/she is wearing a nice, modest DV General Uniform, and makeup... although not very well applied.] That's right! I'm off on a date with Vuudu-chaan... [bats his/her fake eyelashes] [SOC] Jonatan: I feel... almost ill. Yasha: [looks slightly green] At least we'll be rid of Malaise, then... [DEEP 13] Voice: [O.S.] Oh, don't worry about that... [The source of the voice walks on screen... revealing itself to be General Sohkoh. He plays with his yo-yo for a few moments before looking at the screen.] Sohkoh: ...I'm here to cover for our friend Malaise. Malaise: [grinning like an idiot] You might as well give up your lives, pathetic humans. Bye now! [waves at the screen and leaves, Vuudu in tow. The screen goes blank.] [SOC] Ryuu: [head in his hands] We can't win... Jonatan: Ah, cheer up! It's not that bad. Yasha: [suspicious] Are you SURE you're not on medication? Gina: Are those fics really THAT bad? Jonatan: You should try watching. Gina: [cheerfully] Oh, I might do that. Ryuu: Famous last words... [DEEP 13] Sohkoh: [grinning] So, how does this place work, mask-guy? [Before the Blank Psychic can answer, the door crashes open, and a psychotic-looking kid leaps into the middle of the room.] Maynard: ...thE hEll? Psycho Kid: Hahahahahaaaaa! If I can't get into that OTHER tournament, then I'll take over YOUR tournament!!! Maynard: sIncE whEn dId wE hAvE A tOUrnAmEnt? [pouts in an evil and horrific, yet cute, kind of way] nO OnE tOld mE. I'm nOt sUrE thE grEAt cthUlU ApprOvEs Of yOU nOt tEllIng mE... Sohkoh: [performs neat tricks with his omnipresent yo-yo] Well, it's the first I've heard of it. Of course, I just got here... Blank: BWAHAHAAAAA!!! You make me laugh, Unknown Psycho Kid, do you hear me? I LAUGH!!! BWAHAHAHAHAAAA! You cannot stand against ME, the Blank Psychic, one of the Minions of the Almighty Villyn-sama, the Living GOD!!! Maynard: hE rEAllY shOUld swItch tO dEcAf... Sohkoh: Or possibly Prozac. [tinysweats] Psycho Kid: Oh yeah?! No one can stand against the might of... my FIST!!! [The Psycho Kid punches the Blank Psychic, and immediately collapses. Sohkoh snaps his fingers, and the kid is teleported (presumably back to the FW universe) in a rain of Crackerjack prizes.] Sohkoh: Does anyone remember what we were talking about? Maynard: mY trAIn Of thOUght hAs bEEN dErAIlEd. Blank: [rubbing face mask] Ooh, that stings! Anyone have some Advil? [pause... no one shows up.] Sohkoh: For a moment, I was nearly certain there was going to be another pointless cameo there. Maynard: mAYbE nExt EpIsOdE. Sohkoh: Yeah. Someone push the button, willya? ========================================================================= Send comments! E-mail is: Jonatan: J_Streith@mailandnews.com Yasha: ryuuyasha@mailandnews.com Thank you for reading! Stinger: > The gargoyles take the opportunity to > escape the nets and kick butt in a really exciting action scene.)