MYSTERY MANIAC THEATER Y3K or SARCASM R' US A collaboration MSTing by Jonatan Streith and Yasha. "Twisted minds think alike..." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Forewords: This work is delayed. I mean, really, really delayed, more than a whole year. The reason? My honourable partner in crime woke up one day and found all her free time being taken up by much more important things; my being a lazy bastard, I decided to put it on hiatus for a little while.. ...which became a long while. Now, however, I've finally decided to finish it up and shipping it out, and good riddance. Thanks go to the hordes (yeah, right) of fans happily pestering me with questions about when this is going to come out. Eat your heart out, guys and gals. --Jonatan Streith --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Legalese: Mystery Science Theater is owned by Best Brains Inc. and The Sci-Fi Channel. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are owned by Best Brains Inc., and are used without permission. Malaise, Brother Maynard and The Blank Psychic are owned by Improfanfic and Stefan Gagne, and are used with permission. Honest! Jonatan is owned by Jonatan Streith. Use him without permission and you'll wake up with the severed head of Barry Manilow in your bed. Yasha, Gina, Cat and Ryuu are owned by Yasha. The fanfic "All Parasite's Eve" is owned by Geode, and used with permission. This MSTing is owned by Jonatan Streith and Yasha, copyright 1999. No offense is intended with this work; it is merely created in order to amuse. Should anyone feel offended, you are advised to just ignore it, or assume it's a phantasm. Neither Jonatan nor Yasha takes any responsibility for what may be the results of reading this MiSTing. ========================================================================== [Scene: DEEP 13. Dr. Forrester is standing in front of the screen, cackling evilly and rubbing his hands in an evil fashion, as he is wont to do.] Dr. Forrester: How are Mike and the tin cans doing today, Frank? TV's Frank: [Comes on screen] Fairly well, doc. Dr. F: Well, ain't that nice.. let's ruin their day, then! [The two scientists break out into evil laughter #23, Devilot-style. Suddenly, there's a loud knock on the door.] Dr. F: There's a knock on the door, Frank. Frank: Sure is, Dr. F! Dr. F: [angry] Well, go and see who it is! And kill them while you're at it, it might be the revenue again. Frank: [cheerfully] Okay, doc! Dr. F: [mumbles] He'll have to cut down on the sugar.. [in the distance, the sound of a rusty door being opened can be heard. Muted conversation follows, then silence. Suddenly, there's a huge metallic *BANG!*, as Frank, a bent metal door wrapped around him, flies through the lab and lands in a pile of rubble.] Dr. F: The hell? [Three.. people stride into the room. Actually, only one strides; the second one walks rather normally, while the third floats in the air. The first one is wearing a white fencing outfit (The Blank Psychic), the second one looks very androgynous and is wearing a snappy grey uniform (General Malaise), and the third one is twisted and mutated, and wearing tattered robes (Brother Maynard). They walk up to Dr. Forrester.] Maynard: Is thIs thE plAcE whErE YOU tOrmEnt pEOplE, pUnY mOrtAl? Dr. F: No! I don't know anything about it! And if people say I torment people on a satellite, they're wrong! Malaise: Looks like we've come to the right place, guys. Blank Psychic: Ha ha ha ha ha! Finally we will get our revenge! Dr. F: Revenge? Maynard: wE sEEk tO tOrmEnt sOmE pEOplE. A pAIr Of wrItErs, tO bE spEcIfIc. Dr. F: How fascinating. But what did they do to you? Malaise: [teary eyed] They wrote a fanfic where we looked like a group of idiots! Dr. F: That's too bad, but.. Maynard: tAkE A lOOk. [hands the doctor a bundle of papers] Dr. F: [leafs through the bundle] now this doesn't look good... [his eyes grows huge] These people must be stopped! [suddenly looks shifty] You won't mind if I get some use out of this, do you? Malaise: As long as these two gets their much-deserved punishment, it's okay. Dr. F: Excellent! Frank! Frank! [the pile off rubble groans] Argh, darn. Frank, stop lazying around and power up the dimensional time/space law of physics bender transporter! We have work to do! [evil laughter rise from DEEP 13...] * * * * * [In the real world, the time-space continuum shudders as two entities are forcibly ripped from one reality and into another.] * * * * * [Scene: A metallic bridge of some sort. There's a desk in the middle, and a console with several colored lights lie on it. Behind the desk are several doors. A bizzare-looking dimension rift opens, dumping out a figure. The rift then closes up.] Figure: Huh? What's happening? [the figure groans and gets up, coming into view. It's a young man in his twenties, with dark hair and caucasian skin. He's wearing black pants, a blue t-shirt, a labcoat and a blue bandanna. He looks around in confusion.] Young man: Now what's going on? Weird place. Looks.. familiar, though. [notices that a yellow light on the console is blinking.] I've got a BAAD feeling about this.. [he pushes the button. The hexagonal screen in front of him lights up, showing...] [DEEP 13] Dr. F: [cackles evilly] Boy, are you in for it now! [Satellite] Young man: [dryly] Hello to you, too. And I'd prefer not to be called BOY, thank you. [DEEP 13] Dr. F: I seriously doubt I care. [looks at some records] Jonatan Streith, is it? [gleefully] Well, you're in for some serious torment, laddie! [cackles maniacally] [Sat] Jonatan: [groans] Figures.. once something actually HAPPENS around me, it's something bad.. who ARE you, anyway? [pauses] Green labcoat.. Dr. Frank? [DEEP 13] Dr. F: How dare you confuse me with my assistant! I'm the renowned dr. Clayton Forrester! Frank: [sticks his head into the screen] And I'm TV's Frank! Dr. F: [shoves Frank out of the way, then notices Jonatan's labcoat] Are you ripping off my wardrobe, punk? [Sat] Jonatan: Huh? [notices his clothes] I didn't wear this before.. [looks dumbfounded] So why am I, of all people, stuck up here? [DEEP 13] Dr. F: I'll explain in a moment, kiddo.. let's wait for your friends to arrive. [Sat] Jonatan: Friends? [As if on cue, another dimensional rift opens up directly above him, dumping out three girls and one guy. Jonatan collapses under the heap. The girls are seemingly identical, all with short spiky black bangs, thick braids and brown eyes, although they're dressed differently. The guy has short, spiky black hair. One of the girls is oddly translucent.] Girl #1: [wearing a tie-dyed t-shirt with a grimacing smiley] Now what the hell's going on? Girl #2: [translucent] Where are we? Girl #3: [wearing a khaki Iria t-shirt] Oh WOW! It looks just like The Satellite of Love! Spiky-haired guy: [sighs] I should've stayed in bed today... Jonatan: [digs himself out, and gets to his feet] I couldn't agree more. [inspects the new arrivers] Who are you people, anyway? Girl #1: [spots Jonatan, and grabs him violently by the collar] All right, you'd better have some answers! Jonatan: Gah! Hey, I'm as clueless as you are! Girl #1: A likely story! [notices the hexfield screen] Hey, that guy looks familiar. [DEEP 13] Dr. F: Yes, I do, don't I? And you shouldn't accuse a friend of yours like that, girl. Especially not accuse him of doing MY handiwork! [Sat] Girl #1: Friend? [glares at Dr. F] And who are you calling GIRL, mister? Jonatan: Friend? [scrutinizes the girl] Who are you, anyway? You can call me Jonatan. Girl #1: Jonatan? Not Jonatan Streith, I suppose? Jonatan: [starts turning blue from her hold] The very same. Are you someone I know? Girl #1: [drops him on the floor] Uh.. I suppose you could say that. I'm Yasha. Jonatan: [boggles] Yasha? [leaps up from the floor and shakes her hand energetically] Hey, great to finally meet you! [looks at the others] And these people..? Yasha: Oh, yeah! They are-- Girl #3: [cheerfully] I'm Cat! Are you a real scientist? [shakes his hand] Spiky-haired guy: I'm Ryuu. [ignores Jonatan's outstretched hand] Pardon me if I don't shake hands. Girl #2: I'm Gina. Nice to meet you. [tries to shake his hand, but passes right through] Jonatan: [stares at Gina] Uh, right. [to Yasha] You know, I thought these guys were just your different personalities. Yasha: [looks slightly confused] They were.. five minutes ago. Frankly, I don't know how they got here. Jonatan: Most probably we've been transported into another reality, which have caused things regarded fictional to become fact, and possibly vice versa. [blinks] Did I just say that? [pause] And why is Gina acting like a hologram? Yasha: [thinks for a moment] Well, she is a representation of all my niceness and politeness, so.. Jonatan: Yes? Yasha: Well, I suppose there wasn't enough to make a full person. Jonatan: [facefaults] [DEEP 13] Dr. F: Such a tender reunion. Now, for your torture-- [suddenly, the three villains burst into the screen] Blank Psychic: You shall suffer! Maynard: fEEl thE pAIn, pUnY mOrtAls! Malaise: This is for everything you've done to us! [Sat] Gina: What are those people talking about? Cat: Is that person a Negaverse General? Sure dresses like one. Jonatan: Oh god.. you don't say those are.. Yasha: ... [sweatdrop] Ryuu: Oh, the inanity.. [DEEP 13] Malaise: That's right! You'll pay for the humiliation you've let us endure! HAHAHA! Dr. F: Get away, you nitwits! I'm terrorizing them now! [pushes the villains aside] [to the screen] Now, according to my new associates' request, I'm going to torment you into insanity by-- [Sat] Yasha: --forcing us to watch horrible fanfics. Yay. Cat: What is this, Mystery Fanfic Theatre 3000? Ryuu: How cliché. Gina: Oh, my.. Jonatan: Besides, we're all insane already. So can we go home now? [looks hopeful] [DEEP 13] Dr. F: Nice try, but no cigar, boobies! Send'em the fic, Frank! Frank: Consider it done, doc! *SWOOSH!* [Sat] [klaxons go off everywhere, and the light flashes] Cat: OH NO, WE GOT MOVIE SIGN! Ryuu: You mean 'Fanfic Sign'... Cat: Shut up. * * * * * [Door sequence] [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] [Everyone sits down. From left to right: Ryuu, Yasha, Jonatan, and Cat.] Yasha: Where did Gina go off to? Jonatan: Well, the Olsen twins down there sucked out all oxygen, but apparently it had no effect on her, so she remained outside. Ryuu: Some people have all the luck. Cat: Shh! It's starting now! Ryuu: You say that like you *want* to read this... Cat: Shut up. > Geode's Mini Fic Series Ryuu: Who? Jonatan: Faust, Faust! As my heartblood-- Yasha: That's 'Goethe'. Jonatan: Oh. > > > Come one, come all! Step right up and join in the merrymaking, cuz > you've reached "Geode's Mini Fic Series"! It's like a one way trip to > Disneyland, only without all of those 40 year old men with big ol' > mouse-ears on their heads, walkin' around and scarin' the kiddies! > *^_~* Cat: Well, at least there's one good thing about this fic so far... Yasha: All that, and we won't have to go on the 'It's a Small World' ride either! Jonatan: So, two good things? Ryuu: Please! No 'Small World' ride counts as five good things at once! > Anyway, every week, our buddy Geode will write out a new "mini-fic" > for us all to enjoy. That's right... every Saturday you'll get a brand > new, low-calorie fanfic for when you're on the go and need a quick > fix. Whatta deal, huh? :) Jonatan: I'd say that it is, but this is SUPPOSED to be torture... Cat: If this is going to remind me of eating low-cal plain rice cakes, I'm leaving... > So let's get started! Ryuu: Let's not and say we did. > Jonatan: Lots of airspace in this fic. Yasha: "Write your own fic here." > > > "So what's this week's Mini Fic, AC?" Jonatan: Who said that? Ryuu: DC? Yasha: Image? Cat: Icon? Jonatan: Reaching? Ryuu: Just a little... > Well, glad you asked! It just happens to be... Yasha: Um, we didn't. Ryuu: He was referring to Claude Rains, who apparently made a guest appearance... Jonatan: Who? > > > "All Parasite's Eve" Yasha: Oh, so it's a Parasite Eve fic? Jonatan: I'm not familiar with that. Ryuu: Well, we are... AFTER I got my hands on the Playstation. [glares at Cat] Cat: You're STILL sulking about that? > > > Christopher La Bianca AKA "Geode" ______________The Mini Fic Series Jonatan: Write your favorite choice of death threat on the line. Yasha: Ne, no insulting the author, okay? Jonatan: [looks confused] Why not? > "All Parasite’s Eve" > > Ryuu: For those of you with the short term memory of a mayfly, the title, once again! > > > > "What do you mean this is a national holiday foo’!?" Barret shouted at Jonatan: OW! Pipe it down, willya? > the mechanical cat and Mog in front of him. Cait Sith > shook his head. Jonatan: (Cait Sith) 'Ask again later'... the hell? > "I’m telling you Barret. This holiday is one of the most famous of the > year!" Cait Sith protested. "It’s marked on every > calendar." Barret eyed him suspiciously. Yasha: (AI voice) Potential threat detected. Cat: (AI voice) Outrageous accent activated. > "Den what holiday iz dis?" Barret growled. Cait Sith grinned. > All: [flinch!] Yasha: [pained] Could we please duct-tape his mouth shut for the rest of the fic? Jonatan: Bolting and padlocking, please... > "Everyone knows it’s Ground Hog’s Day!" Cait Sith exclaimed. Just then, > Vincent stepped. Yasha: Um... Jonatan: Huh? Cat: Uh... so he stepped. Oookay... Ryuu: Somehow, I never pictured Vincent as a line dancer... Cat: Um... maybe the Electric Slide? Yasha: As long as he doesn't start to Macarena. Jonatan: HEEEYY-- Yasha: NO!! > "You’ll have to excuse Reeve. He seems to get stupider every story he’s > in. [*CRASH!*] Yasha: And the fourth wall takes a blow. > He really means that the upcoming holiday, Halloween," Yasha: Yes? Cat: The holiday what? Jonatan: I hate when people trail off like that... > Vincent threw his cape to the side in a stoic fashion as > lightning struck behind him. Barret scratched his head. Jonatan: (Vincent) You've got dandruff there. Yasha: Ooh... so Vincent can do cool lightning too? Yasha and Cat: He's soooooo coooool! *_* Ryuu: [rolls eyes] Jonatan: Remind me to tell you about this lemon-- [Yasha and Cat brandishes mallets] Jonatan: --or maybe not. > "Haluween? What da hell is dat?" Barret shot back. (Not with his gun.) Jonatan: How I wish it was his gun. Ryuu: Yeah, it'd end the fic sooner. Yasha: I wish he'd use his gun to scratch his head -- Cat: -- and get an accidental misfire! Muahahahahaaaa! Jonatan: Getting dark early, ladies? Yasha: Gotta get them in somewhere. > Vincent furrowed his brow. > > "It’s too bad Square never seems to address holidays... Halloween is > when children dress up as monsters, like Yuffie and Cait > Sith, and go door to door and collect candy or other assorted treats. > Barret eyed him. Cat: (Barret) Trust no one... Jonatan: Cait Sith as a monster? No way! Ryuu: So Yuffie is all right? Jonatan: Well, of course. > "You’re jokin’ right? Why would anyone do somethin’ as stupid as dat!?" > Barret replied. Vincent shrugged. > > "That’s just part of the tradition. I didn’t write the book on it," > Vincent added. Cait Sith stared at him and leaned near Barret. Yasha: Ne, when did Vincent get so chatty? Ryuu: [dryly] maybe he finally had his braces removed. Others: Oooh, low blow! > "Don’t be fooled. I’m sure that this is just some holiday he made up to > honor vampires. Now Ground Hog Day on the other > hand..." Cait Sith began. Suddenly, Yuffie sprung from the ceiling. Jonatan: So someone had planted Yuffies in the ceiling? Yasha: I'd like to see the seeds for THOSE. Cat: Nah, she always hangs out in the ceiling. Ryuu: Yeah, 'cause if the others saw her coming, they'd hide. Yasha: Or ritual seppuku themselves out of the 'fic. Jonatan: [wistfully] Can we do that? > "Ah ha!" Yuffie landed in the middle of them. "I heard your entire > conversation and I want in on this holiday!" Yuffie demanded. > Vincent and Barret exchanged glances. Jonatan: (Barret) Here, have one on me. Yasha: (Vincent) Here's a 'You're weird' I've kept a while. > "We don't know what you're talking about," Vincent replied. Cait Sith > scratched his head. Jonatan: Man, Cait Sith's really a friendly guy, scratching people's heads like that. Yasha: [as Cait Sith] Here you go boy, right behind the ears, just like you like it! Cat: [as Cait Sith] And we can play fetch later! Ryuu: [as Cait Sith] And if you're good, you'll get a new chew toy! > "Sure we do... I mean... Umm.... What were we talking about?" Cait Sith > asked. Suddenly, Cait Sith caught an idea, a rare > occasion. "Hey! I bet Yuffie would love Groundhog Day!" Cait Sith > exclaimed. Barret smacked him off his Mog. He gasped as Jonatan: So when did Barret have a mog? Cat: You're taking this too far. > he crashed to the floor. Yuffie narrowed her eyes. Yasha: Watch out, she's going to shoot daggers any moment now! Ryuu: If she does, I hope she falls on one. > "You know what I'm talking about! Halloween! Going around gathering > items from people. Jonatan: Isn't that what she does most of the time, anyway? Ryuu: Yuffie and Azusa Shiratori -- seperated at birth! > I bet it's the best way to get > materia! Not to mention lots of other stuff... Like 1/13th of Soldiers." Jonatan: How fanboyish of him to promote a minor item like that. I bet when he writes fighting scenes, he mentions how many HP everyone loses, too. Yasha: I said no insulting the author! Jonatan: Now where's the FUN in that? > Yuffie exclaimed. Barret growled. > > "Always materia ain't it," Barret looked to Vincent. Vincent pulled out > a copy of the Final Fantasy 7 Script. [*CRASH!*] Yasha: Will you watch it with the fourth wall?! > "Well... It is in her characterization to be obsessed with materia and > other small shiny objects," Vincent replied. Barret smiled > and tossed a penny to the floor. Yuffie cried out. Ryuu: Because it landed right on her pinky toe. Yasha: Also, it was the giant penny that Batman kept in his Rogue's Gallery... Jonatan: Yeek, her feet would look like Harold the Duck's. > "A penny! It's mine!" Yuffie cried as she crashed to the floor to grab > it. Barret chuckled. Suddenly, Tifa and Cloud walked into > the room. Cloud, to Barret and Vincent's amusement, was wearing his > dress. Yasha: Oh, I am sooo not surprised. Cat: [snickering] I wonder if he got the girls at the Honeybee Inn to do up his makeup again... Ryuu: [falsetto] "Hi, my name is Cloud, and I enjoy dressing as a girl and wearing makeup!" > "No! I'm not wearing this for Halloween! Never!" Cloud exclaimed. "It > was bad enough I had to wear it once. Whose idea was > this!? To make me participate in this holiday!" Cloud demanded. Tifa > smiled. Cat: (Tifa) Revenge! REVENGE!! BWAHAHAH... oh, I'm OOC. Yasha: I can kind of see her point, though -- if *I* had to wear a leather miniskirt and white tank top five sizes too small, *I'd* want to cause misery and pain to everyone around me, too... Ryuu: And this differs from your normal personality *how*? Yasha: [elbow-drops Ryuu] > "It was mine, but it was Vincent that allowed me to take advantage of Jonatan: (Tifa) ...him. Yasha: No way! > the holiday," Tifa looked to the man. Vincent grinned. > Cloud turned red with anger. Yasha: Vincent... grinning? Cat: Something is rotten in the world of FF7! Ryuu: And it might just be this story... Yasha: [**WHAP!!**] Unnecessary meanness. Head-thwapping penalty. > "I'm not doing it Tifa. I'm not going anywhere in this getup!" Cloud > shouted. Suddenly, Tifa walked over and whispered > something in his ear. Cloud listened intently. "Hmm... When you add that > to the deal... Um... Very well..." Barret eyed her. Cat: Like the fanboy he was. Ryuu: Barret keeps eyeing people a lot, doesn't he? Yasha: Mostly the men. All: Eeeeeewwww! Yasha: [snorts] Like it's better to picture him getting naked with Tifa? All: Eeeeeewwww! Jonatan: Remind me to-- Yasha: NO! > "Tifa...?" Barret began. Tifa shook her head. Yasha: [makes rattling noises] > "Desperate times call for desperate measures. Especially since we don't > want this fanfic to drag on," Tifa explained. "And I can't [*CRASH!*] Ryuu: Third blow! How much longer will it hold? Cat: Let's face it. The fourth wall has fallen. > change my stereotype, so I might as well take advantage of it." Cid and > Red XIII walked in, so now the entire cast is here. Cid > burst out laughing. > > "Ah ha! Cloud's wearing that dress again! He looks like such a..." Cid > stopped when Tifa shook her head. Ryuu: Gyah... Cid managed a sentence without a #$%@ing @#$%-word. Cat: @#$%ing @#$%! I'm so @!%#%@$ disappointed in him! Jonatan: [winces] So it's a great relief that we have the ladies filling in for him here. > "Not another word," Tifa added sharply. "Otherwise, that cigarette will > find a new place to be shoved." Red XIII snickered. > > "I love it when author's overextend Tifa's malicious side," Red XIII > added. Barret frowned. Ryuu: It's authors, not that I give a flying f-- Yasha: A-HEM! Welcome to family programming, Ryuu. > "So now dat da entire cast iz in on dis... except for that one person > Tifa keeps pushing out of all da fics, where do we go from > here?" Vincent looked to the gunman. Yasha: One person? Cat: Hmm... someone's missing, yeah... Jonatan: Gabriel? Yasha: Hey, he was never in the original plot! Jonatan: And you claim this to be the original plot? > "You get a costume to wear," Vincent replied. > Ryuu: A Barney suit? Yasha: I picture him as the Michelin Man... Cat: Mr. Staypuff? Jonatan: Only if we get to set fire to him at the end. > > > "I dunno Tifa... What if she doesn't like this new approach of yours," > Cloud looked at Tifa in her costume. Tifa flashed a smile. > > "I wanted a scary costume," Tifa was brushing her hair so it stuck up > like a certain ancients. "Besides. Now I'll have no contest > winning you over to me." Tifa brushed the hair back. She turned to Cloud. > "How do I look?" > Yasha: And, the author reveals his weakness -- figuring out women's hairstyles. Cat: No kidding. You don't *brush* your hair *into* a braid.. you can only brush a braid out. You plait a braid, or braid a plait. Jonatan: [does a creditable imitation of the THX sound] Ryuu: The audience... is snoring! Yasha: Shut up. > Cloud couldn't muster the ability to speak at first. Tifa had managed to > get her hands on one of Aeris' outfits. The pink dress > barely fit her... proportions. Her hair, surprisingly enough, had been > reorganized to look just like Aeris'. A pink ribbon flowed > down her back and shoulders. A small red jacket was fit on to complete > the ensemble. Cloud scowled at Tifa's shoes though. Ryuu: Why am I suddenly picturing Kei's transformation sequence from Dirty Pair Flash? Yasha: Huge, protruding, and slightly frightening breasts? Ryuu: Yeah, that'd be it. > "Aren't those a bit big?" Cloud asked. Tifa tried to step forward and > nearly fell forward. She managed to catch herself. > > "They're necessary to complete the look," Tifa explained. Just then... > > ::James Bond Theme cues in:: Yasha and Cat: Mmmmm, Sean Connery... Ryuu: That's a bit out of date. Yasha and Cat: MMMmmmmm, Pierce Brosnon... Jonatan: What about Roger Moore? Yasha and Cat: [nauseated gagging] Jonatan: VERY good. > Vincent walks across the room. A gun barrel following him as he walked. Jonatan: The sentences. Broken in little bits. > Towards the end of the room, he turned and fired at > the barrel. Red trickles down the screen... Tifa cried out as she > crouched from the red. Ryuu: How exactly do you crouch from red? Yasha: I've flinched from pink... Cat: [frowning] Not quite the same thing, though, is it? > "Hey! This outfit is only on loan!" Tifa was about to be covered in red. > Vincent snapped his fingers and the red dissipated. > Cloud laughed. > > "This isn't a 007 fanfic!" Cloud added. Vincent shrugged. > > "I think I look good as James Bond... Better than you at least," Vincent > holstered the gun. A laugh emitted from behind them > and shots rang out. Barret stormed in the room wearing his sailor suit. Yasha and Cat: MMMmmmmm, Vincent in a suit... *drool* Ryuu: [rolls eyes] What next, Vincent as Tuxedo Mask? Yasha and Cat: MMMMMmmmm, Vincent in a tux! Eeeee! Jonatan: Should I get the hose? Ryuu: It's a thought -- save it for later. > "That damn lion thing iz laughin' at me!" Barret pointed accusingly at > Red XIII, who was dressed as Dennis Rodman. A Bulls > Jersey completed the costume, seeing that everything else already > matched. All: [facefault] > "I wasn't laughing at you, I was laughing with you," Red XIII replied. He > laughed again. Barret growled. Cid's laugh rang in. > > "You shoulda been laughin' at him! He looks like a #*$(#(#(#@!" Cid > exclaimed. Cid walked in, dressed as Han Solo. Yasha: Oh, perfect! ^_^ Cat: [giggles] Kawaii! > "Hey. Nice gettup," Cloud added. Cid scowled. > > "Better than yours #&$*#(#(^!," Cid replied. Cait Sith hopped in, dressed > in the cameraman outfit from Junon. Yasha: So Mr. Crossdresser is trying to intimate that a Han Solo costume is uncool? Cat: Pfft! Poky-head doesn't have a stiletto heel to stand on! Yasha and Cat: DUA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! Yasha: [evil smile] I love the Cloud-crossdressing jokes... Jonatan: And you love kicking people when they're down. Yasha: Damn straight-- HEY! > "Hey! Does anyone think I look fat in this outfit?" Cait Sith asked. > Everyone looked at the oversized Mog and Cat. Yasha: [sweatdrop] Considering his basic shape is a slightly squashed sphere... Jonatan: Oh my god! The question without an answer! Cat: It doesn't apply to Mogs, dimwit. Jonatan: How can you be sure? > "Actually... It does kind of make you look like Palmer," Tifa replied. > Cait Sith thought for a moment. > > "That's just the look I was going for!" Cait Sith exclaimed. Barret > growled. [long pause] All: WHY?!?! > "Now... Ain't we missin' someone?" Barret replied. Ryuu: [as Cloud] Nope, nope, not at all! And let's just get the hell out of here before the person we aren't missing shows up... > Suddenly, the scariest > creation known to this world leapt from the open > door. Ryuu: Barney? Cat: The Teletubbies? Yasha: Ted Kennedy? Jonatan: Ash? > "Ahhhhhhhhh!" Cid screamed as he ducked behind Vincent. "It's going to > kill us in sick twisted ways!" Cloud screamed like a little girl and > jumped into Tifa's arms. Vincent narrowed his eyes. Yasha: Spot-on characterization for pokey-head. Jonatan: Will you lay off Cloud?! Cat: Oh, hell no... ^_^ > "Calm down it's just Yuffie.... dressed as... a Spice Girl..." Vincent > shuddered. Shivers ran up and down his spine. "I shall have > more nightmares tonight than I've previously had." Yuffie nodded. All: [shudder] Ryuu: I feel... a great disturbance in the Force... as if an evil beyond man's understanding has reared its ugly, spandex-slathered head. Jonatan: Since when did they wear spandex on their *head*? All: *nauseated sounds* > "Uh huh! I'm Ninja Spice!" Yuffie declared. All: AAAAAAAAAAA!!! Yasha: It's ANOTHER one of the spice skanks... Jonatan: I thought Timeblade killed all of them... Yasha: [eyes Jonatan confusedly] What are you talking about? Jonatan: [blinks] I have no idea. > Yuffie showed off her > platform shoes and strangely fashioned outfit. Tifa studied > the new look for Yuffie. Yasha: ...and desperately tamped down her rising gorge... Jonatan: ...which, strangely enough, were the exact same action being taken by a group of people on a satellite... > "Hmm... Cloud doesn't seem to be attracted to her... So I won't have to > kill her or feel threatened," Tifa decided and pulled out > a notepad. She crossed off Yuffie's name, which was just under Scarlet, > Elena, and Shiva. Vincent pulled out a remote control. Ryuu: Actually, it was just a list of all the other characters in the game. She couldn't remember them, otherwise... Yasha: It's not her fault -- her outfit just cuts off all the oxygen that should be going to her brain. > "What's that for?" Barret demanded. Vincent pressed a big red button. > > ::The Big Whale Theme cues in!!:: Yasha: "Call me Ishmael!" Ryuu: It's the Great White One! Summon Queequeg! Cat: ~o/"Waters deep, and waters blue --"/o~ Ryuu: [muffling Cat] Knock off the Sara Brightman. > A huge cornucopia shaped boat smashes down in front of them. Cid > grimaces. Jonatan: Instamatic scene changes, so fast you won't even notice them! Call now, and you get three lame scene openings free of charge! Yasha: [sweatdrops] What are you spouting NOW? Jonatan: Can't you see? They've gone directly from... wherever they were, directly to the harbor! Amazing! [waves arms around frantically] Cat: [edges away] Were it even defined where they were before? > "My airship is still the #&$*$($# best," Cid declared while taking a > smoke. Vincent gestured to the ship. Jonatan: Not a rude gesture, I hope. > "We'll use this to travel to the scariest and most revolting Square > game," Vincent explained. "That'll be a good Halloween > location." Yasha: Scary? Naaaaah. Ryuu: Revolting, yes... especially the bit with the German Shepherd. Cat: Eew, don't remind me! Jonatan: Do you guys mind? I still haven't played that! > "Huh? We're going to Final Fantasy: Mystic Quest and Secret of Evermore?" > Tifa asked. Cait Sith leapt into the air. Jonatan: (as Cait Sith) I'm going to Disneyland! > "Yeah! I always wanted to see a toaster dog!" Cait Sith exclaimed. > Vincent disregarded the comment. Ryuu: So just get the latest 'After Dark' screensaver... Yasha: That's *flying* toasters. Cat: I thought that was flying toilets? Jonatan: Those, too... > "We're going to NY... Home of Parasite Eve..." Ryuu: A scary, scary chick... Jonatan: [frowns] Really? Ryuu: Trust me... the scene where she had eighteen sets of breasts scarred me for life. Jonatan: [blinks several times ] I'm worried about the game designers. And their social life. > > > The Big Fish... er.... Whale... crashes down in the middle of New York > City. The Final Fantasy 7 cast files out of the ship. Yasha: Accompanied by Jonah... Jonatan: And Pinocchio... Cat: And smelling slightly of fish. > "I always feel so high when I go into space," Cid stretched. Suddenly, Jonatan: o/ We're flying high... o/ Yasha: Gah! > Cait Sith came galloping out of the ship. A deep chirp > sounded behind him. A very obese chocobo stepped out of the ship. Ryuu: Okay, who used that old 'Summon Choco/Mog' Materia this time? Jonatan: Mwahaha! The Master Summon Materia is MINE! Emerald, prepare for oblivion! Nyahahaha... [the others look oddly at him] Jonatan: ...sorry, bit of a flashback there. > "Poke me one more time and ask if I eat all of the items I store, and > I'll send you past the moon with this thing," the overweight Yasha: Chocobo played by Jackie Gleason... Ryuu: Morton!! > chocobo referred to Cait Sith and the Big Whale. Cait Sith sighed. The > chocobo gave him the feather and waddled back inside. > > "At least he's holding onto my tissues for me," Cait Sith replied. The Cat: [as Cait Sith] And my Allegra, too! > team looked around the barren landscape of evacuated > NYC. Cloud noticed that the Big Whale had crushed something during it's > landing. Yasha: Oh, I hope it's that idiot Daniel. Ryuu: I'm voting for Maeda. Jonatan: Esjie? Cat: Esjie would be mortally insulted at that comparison. > "Um? Vincent? What building did we smash?" Cloud asked. > > "The Chrysler Building," Vincent replied. > > "Oh... Now we'll never be able to see the special ending," Cloud groaned. > Vincent shrugged. Ryuu: Darn! That's where the coolest weapons are! [there's a soft swishing noise] Jonatan: And the fourth wall is already down, so you can stop now, author-boy. > "There's no movie and it leaves you a bit more confused than before. Just > like the ending to Blue's Saga in SaGa Frontier," > Vincent replied. > > "Yeah. That ending was the worst..." Red XIII added. Yuffie was using her > keen ninja honed skills to look up and down the > roads of NYC. Jonatan: Um... I doubt you'll need ninja skills to look up and down roads. Not even in New York. Yasha: [snort] Ah, the sound of innocence. Ryuu: Puh-leeze! The Parasite Eve version of New York only has five people in it. Cat: He has a point. > "Umm... I don't see any other people celebrating Halloween!" Yuffie > remarked. Cid nodded. > > "Yeah! What's the story vamp?" Cid tapped Vincent. Vincent scratched his > chin. Jonatan: (as Vincent) Owie! AAAH! Where did all this blood come from? Someone call 911! Yasha: That's not funny! Jonatan: Oh, sure it is. ^_^ > "I don't know... Let's split up, and maybe we'll find out," Vincent > replied. Yasha: [as Vincent] Any excuse to get away from Clod! Cat: [as Cid] #$%^ing great idea! > "Agreed!" Cloud declared. > > (Please create three separate teams using the provided characters) > Yasha: [standing] RIGHT! Cat and I will take the high road, and you two take the low! Ryuu: hello? No oxygen outside the theatre, Miss Brain-the-size-of-a-Chick-Pea? [*** WHAP!!! ***] > > Vincent, Cid, and Red XIII walked into a gun shop in Soho. An old man sat > behind the counter of the shop. The man got up > with a start. Yasha: Ever notice that the cool characters always end up in the same group? Ryuu: Replace Red with Aeris, and I'll agree with that. > "Hey? You're not like the things outside?" the old man gasped. Vincent > looked confused. Jonatan: Yeah, look at his eyebrow! It rose a quarter of a micrometer! Ryuu: That's Vincent, not Ikea. Jonatan: Details, details. > "Outside? We're looking for the Halloween festivities," Cid remarked. > "Now, Trick or #&$*!" Ryuu: Wow, Yash, Cid is *almost* as potty mouthed as you are. Yasha: [smugly] I've had more practice. > "Ahem... It's Trick of Treat," Red XIII replied. > > "Whatever," Cid shrugged. "I want some candy!" The man scratched his > head. All: Mmm, Snickers! [a large wad of money is tossed into the theatre, to the sound of *ka-ching!!*] > "Where have you guys been locked up? It's four days after Christmas," the > old man coughed. "Strange freaks roam the streets > and Japanese guys are giving pretty woman Voodoo accessories that fill up > your inventory." Red XIII scratched his head. Yasha: Yeah, Voodoo. Traditional Shinto and Buddhist luck charms are Voodoo. Never mind that the religions didn't originate on even the same @#%@%ing *continent*! Ryuu: Well, it's what they called it in the game... Yasha: It annoyed me then, too. Jonatan: Lina-kami forbid that the game designers are *accurate*... > "Umm... You were saying that this was a good place to celebrate?" Red > XIII remarked to Vincent. Vincent scowled. > > "This because Parasite Eve is stuck in a time frame! It's always going to > be one of those six days!" Vincent growled. Suddenly, Yasha: They should have gone to Gabriel Knight, Sins of the Fathers. Then they'd get an option on ten days. Ryuu: Yeah, but they'd be stuck in New Orleans. Yasha: Eeew. Scratch that, you're better off in New York. Jonatan: Could be worse... they could have been on the boat in Cruise for a Corpse, where time passes only if you do the right things... and you have to endure the presence of an annoying Hercule Poirot impersonator. > three zombies lunged from the back of the store and tackled the man. He > screamed. A cop dashed past them. (Resident Evil 2) Ryuu: This is just a tip. IDing it in the fic ruins the point of an Obscure Cultural Reference. > "I think we better leave," Cid added. The cast quickly filed out before > the zombies got any other ideas. > Ryuu: [growling] Such as creating tension, or suspense, or Kami-sama forbid *interesting* story structure! Jonatan: Is he always like this? Yasha: No. Most of the time he's worse. Cat: Man, this thing is going on forever. Let's go get some popcorn or something. Ryuu: Anything to get out of this fic. [they all get up and leave] [door sequence] [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] * * * * * [The gang enters the bridge.] Jonatan: So... that was the torture? How pleasant. Yasha: I thought I was going to spontaneously die of boredom. Ryuu: I'm sure it gets worse with time. Cat: Always the ray of sunshine, Ryuu? Ryuu: I try. Gina: [walks out of one wall] Hi! How was the fic? Jonatan: [jumps] GAH! It's Andre! Yasha: No, it's only Gina. Ryuu: So what have you been up to, slacker? Cat: Ryuu! Yasha: Ryuu, that was uncalled for! [is about to hit him, but Gina walks in between.] Gina: Now, don't fight. [smiles Kasumi-esque] I've been really busy, looking over this satellite... it's very nice, actually. Ryuu: I thought this place was supposed to be a torture trap? Jonatan: No, that wouldn't work... you see, the intention of the nitwits far below is to drive us mad through bad fanfics. If we went mad from the interior decoration, the experiment would fail. Yasha: But didn't the villains just want to torture us? It doesn't make sense. Ryuu: That's assuming they are sane. Cat: [a bit peevish] If you three are finished expositing, I'd like to hear more! [to Gina] Go on, sis. What secrets does the Satellite of Love hold? Gina: [takes out a notepad] Well, for starters, this isn't the SoL. Yasha: Really? Sure looks like it. Gina: Well, the lack of bots and temp workers are one good clue. Then there is the fact that we passed the SoL while you were in the theater... nice people, really. Yasha: [sparkly-eyed] Did you get their autographs?! Gina: No, was I supposed to? Yasha: [exasperated] AARGH! I wanted their autographs... I'm a big fan! [sulks] Now we'll never know the next time we meet them... Jonatan: [takes out what appears to be a pocket calculator on steroids, and taps away at the keys with pleasant 'blip' sounds] Unless something unexpected happens, our next meeting will be in 178 days and 5 hours. Yasha: Where did you get that thing? Jonatan: [tinysweats] Frankly, I don't know... Cat: Hey, shouldn't Dr. F and the others have contacted us by now? Yasha: Yeah... that's odd. [klaxons go off] Jonatan: [blinks] We have to go back? Gina: Oh, my! [wanders off] Cat: OH NO, WE HAVE MOVIE... Ryuu: ...fanfic... Cat: [glares as Ryuu] ...SIGN! [they head into the theater] [6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...] Cat: DAMN! I forgot to get my popcorn! > "Take this you scum!" Yuffie chucked a rock through a window in China > Town. "I know you're in there! Get out and give us > some candy!" Yuffie kicked the front door. Cait Sith raised his > megaphone. Ryuu: Could we please get a Mitochondrial monster to stop by and kill her? Yasha: How about torturing her first? Cat: At least set her on fire! Jonatan: o/ Fire! I'll teach you to burn! o/ > "We know you're in there!" Cait Sith shouted. Yuffie groaned in > disbelief. Barret scowled. > > "Why do I always get stuck wit you losers," Barret straightened his > sailor hat. Ryuu: Possible because *you* are *also* a loser? Cat: [as Barrett] I don' get it. > "I don't get it! This isn't how Vincent explained Halloween!" Yuffie > groaned. Suddenly, three jet fighters sped overhead. "Huh?" > Yuffie yelped as a newspaper smacked into her face. Cat: [heavy sigh] Couldn't it have been something heavy? Yasha: something more damaging? Jonatan: An anvil would've been nice. Ryuu: [flatly] An anvil. Blowing in the breeze, as yet. Jonatan: Hey, I'd suspend my disbelief for that. > Cait Sith read the > headlines. > > "Massacres continue by the mysterious monster known as Eve after the > Christmas Eve incident?" Cait Sith read the title > confused. Jonatan: He was very confused, seeing as the title actually read "Sales drop in iron market; Cubs win World Series". > "Umm... I thought this was Halloween?" Yuffie stamped her > platform shoe. > > "I knew that listening to the vampire would be a bad idea!" Yuffie > shouted. Yasha: ...vampire? Cat: Oh, gods, is he crossing over Darkstalkers now? Jonatan: Tap for dark mana. > One of the jet pilots looked out at Cait Sith and Yuffie. > > "Copy, this is Red Leader, Unknown creatures terrorizing the streets, > over," the pilot called over the intercom. "Request > permission to break formation." Yasha: Hello? They're in a battle situation, not a training flight. They *do* generally get manueverability permissions AHEAD of time. Jonatan: Don't assume that the oh so great writer actually does timewasting things such as *researching*. > "Request confirmed. Roger. Take 'em out!" Gold Leader shouted over the > intercom. Two jets broke formation and U-turned > back towards the two unlikely figures. > > "Side winder missile loaded. Fire!" the pilot shouted. Ryuu: Sidewinder. One word, named for the desert snake. Jonatan: And Ryuu continues his quest to turn the pile of putrid filth into shining gold... > A missile slid from the ammo lock. Cait Sith gasped. > > "Umm? That missile is heading right for us!" Cait Sith dashed out of the > way. Barret quickly followed suit. > Ryuu: Fortunately, they can all outrun a missile! Cat: What do you mean "fortunately"? Yasha: Well, if they claim Chuck Norris can *dodge* a missile... > "Huh?" Yuffie looked as the missile collided into the building above her. > > > > A Fated Hour later... Jonatan: *Please* let her be dead! > "Boy... What a waste of a night... I could have at least spent my time > watching Aeris die over and over, but no, I wasted it > looking for candy in an abandoned city!" Tifa complained. Cloud shrugged. Yasha: What a *lovely* girl. I'm sorry these two didn't end up together. Jonatan: They *did* end up together. Yasha: [grimly] Then I'm *really* sorry about that... > "I thought that it was all worth it," Cloud replied. Tifa glared at him. > > "That's because you stole all those drugs from that pharmacy in Soho," Cat: A cross-dresser AND a drug addict! Somehow I'm not surprised. Yasha: I'm sure they forgot to mention he's a mooncalf and also a pimp for catamites in his spare time. Ryuu: What the *hell* did this guy do to skyrocket to near the top of your Baddie List? > Tifa replied. They walked into Times Square, the > decided meeting place of the cast. Red XIII, Cid and Vincent stood > silently. Cloud and Tifa walked up to them. > > "I assume that we weren't the only ones that didn't find anything?" Cid > muttered. Tifa nodded. > > "This entire place is a ghost town," Tifa replied. Suddenly, a car went Ryuu: WHAT?!? When did we get to the Southwest?!? Jonatan: Figure of speech, Spike-boy. Ryuu: Get bent, Lab Lad. > zooming down the road at +250 mph. Cid and Red XIII > barely dodged the car. > > "Hey! What the @^$&!" Cid exclaimed. "You stupid...!" Cid shouted. The > car skidded to a halt. A woman cop and her > partner got out of the police car. Yasha: And we finally meet the alter-game egos of Cloud and Barret. Ryuu: Yeah, except Aya and Daniel are more standable. Cat: You only like Daniel 'cause he died. Jonatan: [eye-twitch] Have any of you heard of 'Spoiler Warning?' Others: Nope! > "What da hell are you guys doin here? We evacuated this place!" Daniel > shouted. "And why the hell are you all dressed like > freaks?" Cloud blushed then growled. Jonatan: Yes, as the trained SOLDIER he is, he first has to blush modestly before acting. Cat: Maybe it's his SOLDIERETTE training kicking in? Jonatan: Please! Let's try to butcher one continuity at a time. > "It was her idea for me to wear this!" Cloud accused Tifa. She sighed. Jonatan: (Tifa) Tormenting your True Love isn't as fun as it used to be... > Aya walked up behind Daniel. Cloud's mind lapsed as > he stared at her. "Oh... Hello." Tifa clenched her fists. Yasha: Oh, Cloud's mind lapses, all right -- I doubt Aya being there made any sort of difference. Jonatan: Maybe the Master will have mercy on us and have him kill everyone. > "Another one! No!!" Tifa stamped her foot and she nearly fell from the > weight of her shoe. Jonatan: [rimshot] Ryuu: Ha. Ha. Ha. The wild slapstick humor is killing me. > Aya regarded Tifa for a second. > Ryuu: ...and immediately wrote her off as an over-chested brain-dead bimbo. Jonatan: [sweatdrop] Getting just a *little* bit vicious, aren't we? Ryuu: This fic is making me cranky. Yasha: Ryuu, you're always cranky! Ryuu: Bite me. > "What's going on here? Why are you... people still here?" Aya looked over > the odd assortment. > > "Well... It's all his fault! The guy that looks like a vampire!" Cid > pointed at Vincent. Vincent straightened his tie and crossed his > arms. Yasha and Cat: [melt!] Kakkoiiiiiii! Ryuu: If you still have that hose, now would be a good time for it. Jonatan: [rummages through coat] Damn! Can't find it! How the heck does all these things fit in here, anyway? > "It wasn't my fault. I didn't ask you to come along," Vincent replied. > Cloud, who had forgotten he was wearing a dress, walked > up to Aya. > > "I don't believe I've introduced myself. My name is Cloud Strife. I was a > member of SOLDIER!" Cloud flexed. Aya rubbed > her temple. Cat: Oh, *how* can she resist him in all his transvestite glory? Yasha: Yeah, there's nothing like the rampant masculinity of a guy wearing a pig-tailed wig, skirt, and make-up applied with a trowel! Jonatan: Just a *little* sarcastic today, guys? Yasha: Just a bit. > "Yes... OK..." Aya backed away from Cloud. "I don't know where any of you > are from but," before Aya could continue, the > worst phenomenon occurred. > > "3... 2... 1..." Red XIII counted aloud. > > Cloud's stupid appearance mesmerized yet another. Yasha and Cat: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!! > "Oh! Yes of course. I bet that's hard work." Aya walked up to Cloud. She > was too close for Tifa's comfort. Cloud nodded. Ryuu: (Cloud) Just as I thought. This outfit is a babe magnet. Cat: Then how come you don't have a girlfriend, dragon-boy? Ryuu: [mutters imprecations] > "It is. But I wouldn't mind it if I had a girl like you by my side," > Cloud replied. Aya blushed. Daniel backed away in confusion. Yasha: [as Cloud] Because you remind me of me, Sweet Thing. > "What the hell? What's going on Aya! That guys a freak and you're coming > on to him! Just look at his hands. They're the size of > cinder blocks!" Daniel commented. Vincent opened his 007 watch and > pressed a button. All the characters jumped into > pre-rendered mode. All: [flatly] Ha. Ha. Ha. > "That's better," Vincent added. Daniel stared at him in disbelief. Tifa, Jonatan: (Daniel) I can't believe it's not butter. > who had been preparing to explode, marched up to Cloud > and threw him aside. Yasha: Yaaaaaay!! Cat: Go for it, girl! Dump that idiot and find a *real* man! Ryuu: What, like Maeda? Yasha and Cat: [facefault] Ehhhhhhhhh.... > "Hey! Wha-" Cloud staggered aside. Tifa put her fist up to Aya. > > "Listen #&#*$. Stay away from my boyfriend!" Tifa shouted. "I don't know > who you think you are, meeting Cloud for less than > five minutes and you're already thinking of dirty thoughts only I can > think by contract!" Yasha: Damn. Looks like she's still after Clod. Cat: [sigh] I had such hopes for her.. Jonatan: You were hoping she'd fall off a building. Cat: [sigh] Yes... > "I feel a cat fight coming on..." Red XIII moaned as he laid down on the > sidewalk. Yasha: Oh, I hope Aya has her rocket launcher. Ryuu: Or that they get naked in a vat of M&Ms. Others: o_O;;;;; Ryuu: [coughs] eheh. Someone sent up this book "Oppurtunities for Humor through Hentai Commentary." I had to try it at least once. Jonatan: [glances at back cover] Since when does Philip write guide books? > ::Still More Fighting cues in:: > > "Listen you! I don't know you, but I can tell from your bust that the > silicon must be affecting your brain. Your 'boyfriend' is Yasha: No, no, no! It's not the silicone, it's the peroxide bleached hair. Cat: And the tight clothes cutting off the bloodflow. > entitled to take an interest in me if he wants!" Aya shot back. Tifa > shook her head. Jonatan: We've done the 'rattle' joke already. Yasha: Damn! > "Not a chance! He's my childhood friend! All you have as a childhood > friend is your imaginary sister!" Tifa shouted. > > "Well! At least I don't go walking around in a tank top and mini skirt > throughout the entire game!" Aya shot back. Yasha: Considering she ran through the sewers in a slit dress and platform shoes, she doesn't have much room to talk... Cat: I liked her jacket-teeshirt-jeans outfit, though. > "Oooh... Bad counter. Parasite Eve would have probably done much better > if you had," Red XIII replied. Yasha: [rolls eyes] *Further* proof that this fic was written by a male. Cat: Tcha, you're surprised? Female gamers are slightly rarer than Yeti... Jonatan: Big dif, I've seen female writers write entire novels just so they can drool over the guys. Yasha: And? > "Shut up!" Aya shot at Red XIII. Suddenly, a meteor crashed from the sky > and into Rockefeller Center. > Ryuu: Sadly missing an opportunity to cream all the characters and end the fic early. All: Damn!! > "Sorry I'm late! Forgot to change my clock for Daylight Saving Times!" > Aeris came running down the street. Cloud suddenly Yasha: She's supposed to be dead. Jonatan: I see someone's visited the Floating Island. > forgot about Aya and stared at Aeris in disbelief. She had borrowed > Tifa's idea as well and was dressed as Tifa. This made > Tifa even more furious. Yasha: Seeing as Tifa's outfit actually *fit* Aeris... Cat: Hah! That's what ya get for buying your leather miniskirt five sizes too small! > "You! How did you show up here?" Tifa demanded. Aeris brushed back her > Tifa hairstyle. > > "I borrowed one of those meteors from Final Fantasy 5," Aeris replied. Ryuu: A plot contrivance meteor, right? Jonatan: Maybe she just fell through a plothole. > Cloud collapsed from visual overload. Vincent and Cid > walked over and dragged him to the side. Yasha: And off into a back alley, where they put him in a sack, beat him up, and mailed him to Africa. > "Whose this?" Aya asked. > Ryuu: Who's... contraction of who is. Yasha: You're going to go all grammarian on this fic, too? Ryuu: Misuse of homophones annoys me. A lot. Cat: Maybe she's asking whose Aeris it is? Jonatan: (Aya) Oh, I just want to bring her home and hug her and-- Yasha: DON'T GO THERE!!! Jonatan: (Aya) --call her George. (normal) What are you yelling about? > "Cloud's real girlfriend," Aeris said defiantly. Aya and Tifa scowled at > her. > > "Cloud doesn't find you attractive," Tifa taunted. "You don't have the > proportions!" Tifa laughed and then gestured to Aya. > "And neither do you #^$&@#!" Aya scowled. > > "If you weren't such a %^#&$*, we could all just get along!" Aya shoved > Tifa. Tifa gasped as she fell backwards out of her > shoes. Aeris laughed. Cat: (Aeris) OH-HOHOHOHHOHOOHO! That will teach you, you little peasant tramp! Jonatan: That was scary. Cat: Thanks! > "Haven't quite got the gist of my outfit silicon princess?" Aeris > taunted. Tifa jumped to her feet. Jonatan: And tried to reattach them. > "I'll teach you to steal my idea!" Tifa slapped Aeris across the face. > > "Hey! Don't treat her like that!" Aya pulled out a bullet. Yasha: (Aya) Treat her like this instead! [makes sound of gun being fired] > "Energy Shot!" Aya pointed the bullet at her and tossed it. A blast Jonatan: Hey, Aya... here's an idea: There's this thing called a 'gun'... Cat: (spokesperson) Guns don't kill people. Aya kills people. > flared through Tifa and launched her backwards. Aeris clocked Aya with > her staff. > > "Tifa wannabe!" Aeris shouted. Aya kicked Aeris in the side, causing her > to fall to the side. > > "$^#*(!" Aya shouted. Cid attempted to break up the brawl, but... > Ryuu: Baaaaad move. Never get inbetween pissed-off women. They do *not* fight clean! Jonatan: Speaking from-- Ryuu: --experience. > "Girls, let's not get into one of those repetitive cat-" Cid choked as > Tifa elbowed Cid in the chest. Cid hacked his cigarette out. > > "Stay out of this Solo!" Tifa warned. "The most attractive girl of this > match wins Cloud!" Yasha: Such a *wonderful* first prize. Jonatan: Besides, how the hell will a CATFIGHT of all things settle who's the most attractive girl? > "In that case... It would be me," a voice called. > > ::Eve's Battle Theme cues in:: Yasha: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! Ryuu: Personally, I think Eve and Sephiroth would have made a cute couple. Cat: Ye gods!!! Where's Sephiroth in this fic?! Yasha: No Sephy-chan?!?! Cat and Yasha: WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! [weep openly] > The evolved mutation of Eve floated down in between the fighters. Red > XIII looked around the area. Yasha: Evolved mutation -- argh, which version of mutation does he mean here? Cat: Yeah, Eve has mutations like other people has socks. Ryuu: Oh, I *really* hope it's not the Pregnant Mutation. Yasha: You're *still* going freaky about that? Ryuu: Eighteen pairs of breasts... It's just... Eugh. > "Hey? Where's that singing coming from?" Red XIII asked. Eve took a bow. > > "That would be me," Eve replied. > > "But you're not moving your lips," Red XIII countered. Eve pointed at the > lion creature. Ryuu: Oh, c'mon! She grows random body parts at the drop of a hat! Like an extra mouth would be that hard to do... Cat: Where do you think she grew the extra mouth? Ryuu: Ugh... I did *not* need that mental picture. > "Your tail isn't going to be the only thing burning if you don't > shut up," Eve growled. She turned back to Tifa, Aeris, and Aya. > "It's obvious you girls don't realize what it takes to be beautiful." > Tifa stepped forward defiantly. > > "Sure we do! It's my," Tifa gestured to her chest. Yasha: That girl is a shrine to seventh grade boys. Ryuu: I thought Lara Croft had dibs on that role. > Eve shook her head. > > "Pitiful. You may run around the entire game in a mini skirt and tank > top, but I fight the final battle with nothing at all!" Eve > laughed. "Are you feeling hot?" > > "I know I'm hot!" Tifa shouted. Eve laughed and raised her hands. Tifa > and Aeris burst into flame. Tifa screamed and crashed > into Aya, as she flailed aimlessly. The three fell backwards into the > street. Eve laughed. Jonatan: o/ You're gonna burn! Burn, burn, burn... o/ Yasha: Couldn't she have just set fire to Cloud? Jonatan: Given the stuff he puts in his hair, the fireball would level the block. [the others stare at him] Cat: Weren't you a Cloud fan? Jonatan: [smirks] Shyeah... Cloud Strife I have respect for. Twisted Clod who screams like a girl and wears makeup... not a chance in Gehenna, lady. > "Wow! I knew they were hot, but..." Vincent let his words dissipate. Cait > Sith, Barret and Yuffie walked into Time Square at > this point. Cait Sith was carrying a fire extinguisher. > > "I'll put you guys out!" Cait Sith began hosing them down. Cat: With bullets! Ryuu: No. Cat: Please? He said he'd put them out. Yasha: Of their misery? Pleasepleaseplease... Jonatan: I'd like to end my misery first. > Yuffie, > looking like a building fell on her, coughed. Jonatan: Jonatan, looking like a twisted fic fell on his mind, groaned. > "Ohhhh... Why do I always miss all the good stuff? Who finally shut Tifa > and Aeris up?" Yuffie asked eagerly. Cid gestured to > Eve. Cloud was barely becoming conscious. > > "Uh? Brave... Fencer.... Musashi... I mean... Musashiden... Ohh!" Cloud > collapsed again. Vincent frowned and stepped over Yasha: --Clod, gleefully trampling him into millet. Jonatan: Dark! Yasha: Bite me, I'm having fun! Ryuu: That's a singularity. > to the group. Cait Sith dropped the fire extinguisher, after putting the > fires out and walked over to Eve. > > "Hey! How are you floating like that? I really want to know," Cait Sith > hopped back and forth. Eve pointed to Cait Sith. > > "Die..." Eve shouted. Nothing happened. Eve looked at her hands. "What?" > > "Hey! That freak has the same mitochondria as Aya!" Daniel shouted. "He's > not catching fire." Cait Sith snapped his fingers. > Yasha: Damn!! I wanted to see him roast! Jonatan: Besides, Cait doesn't have mitochondria... on account of him being an artificial construct. > "Oh... I really wanted to catch fire!" Cait Sith groaned. "I wish I had > mitochondria!" Eve began to float away from the team and > towards Aya. > > "I'll kill you so that I can get back to giving birth to the Ultimate > Being," Eve was preparing to do that fluorescent arrow attack. Ryuu: That the author don't know the name of. > Yuffie ran in front of her. Ryuu: Ohhhh... so she must be in her early-game state... > "Hey! Do you know where we can find some Halloween stuff?" Yuffie > demanded. Suddenly, Yuffie and Eve's eyes met. Jonatan: Nonononononono, please do not take this the way it sounds like it's going, pleasepleaseplease... Yasha: Huh? [realizes] Oh, sick! > "Eve?" Yuffie gasped. > > "You?" Eve narrowed her eyes. > > > > Cut Scene [Jonatan pulls out a katana and slices at the screen] Jonatan: Damn! It didn't work! Yasha: Where did you get that from, anyway? > A hospital room came into view. Cat: A free-flying hospital room? Jonatan: o/ It flies through the air with the greatest of ease, the one, the only-- o/ Yasha: Will you stop SINGING?! Jonatan: Never! > A flash of white light. Jonatan: o/ Flash! Aaah! Savior of the universe! o/ Yasha: [sighs] Ryuu: Ne, why don't you just hit him like you do with me? Yasha: But I hardly know him. > A young Yuffie is in one of the hospital beds. Cat: My, my. Is that Dr. Kevorkian sneaking up beside her? > Klamp appears before her. Jonatan: What, a group of manga and anime artists decides to visit her? > Yuffie disappears. Jonatan: Nothing up my sleeve... TA-DAA! Cat: The amazing disappearing Yuffie! Yasha: And let's hope she stays that way. > > > "The woman died in giving birth to the Ultimate Being..." > > > > "Hey? Do you know something we don't?" Red XIII called. Yuffie blinked. > > "Yes... It all makes sense now..." Eve replied. "You were the Ultimate > Being that was given birth to in Japan." Yasha: Somehow, I'm not surprised. Jonatan: Just one minor detail. [takes out a megaphone] EXCEPT THAT YUFFIE COMES FROM WUTAI, NOT JAPAN! WHILE IT'S SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE A PART OF JAPAN, WUTAI IS *NOT* JAPAN! YUFFIE IS NOT JAPANESE! I REPEAT-- [*CRASH!*] Yasha: My ears! Ryuu: Decided to stop being polite? Jonatan: [winces] Itai desu... > "What? What da hell iz dis?" Daniel and Barret replied in unison. > > "Yes... I remember... I had no mother because she was killed... So they > brought me to another Square game in a tiny > spaceship. (Do I really need to tell you what that's from?) > Yasha: Um, yeah, actually.... > "Then you will be the one to help usher in the age where mitochondria > rule!" Eve shouted. Suddenly, a helicopter landed near > the party. A marine jumped out and walked up to the group. He looked at > Aya, who was smoking (literally), Cid, who was > smoking (physically) and Cait Sith, who was just there. Jonatan: Proudly playing the role of the man who is there! Oww... Cat: You okay? Jonatan: Fine, fine. As soon as I get my spinal column back in working order. > "It is my order to bring you, Mr. Sith, to fight the Ultimate Being," the > marine pilot replied. Cait Sith hopped with joy. > > "Yeah! I won that raffle!" Cait Sith cried. "And I get a trip to > Antarctica too, right?" Daniel walked over to the marine and > whispered something in his ear. > > "What do you mean 'I'm too early and Eve isn't at the Statue of Liberty > yet?'" the soldier demanded. Eve tapped him on the > shoulder. "Not now Eve... Er... Eve?" > > The soldier screamed as he combusted into flames. Cat: (Soldier) Damn, not again! Yasha: You'd hardly sing when you're on fire. Jonatan: [grins] I dunno, how about... o/ Come on baby, light my fire o/ [dodges mallet] Yasha: I asked for that one, didn't I. > "That was great! Do it again!" Cait Sith cried. Eve whistled. Suddenly, > the street began to shake. Maeda came running down > the road. Jonatan: (Maeda) The new Hanson album is out! FLEE! > "Godzilla!" Maeda screamed. A huge... thing... of slime came clomping > down the street. Cait Sith screamed as it stepped on > him. Barret smirked. > > "There's always room for Jello," Barret added. The slime creature grabbed > Eve and Yuffie and ran off. Vincent sighed. > > "Let me guess... Now it's going to go climb the Empire State Building > right?" Vincent laughed. Daniel shook his head. > > "No... That freak iz headin' for the Statue of Liberty," Daniel replied. > Aya pushed the charred corpse of Tifa off and wiped > herself off. (Yes... Tifa, Aeris, and Cait Sith are dead at this moment > in time) Ryuu: Oh, thanks for telling us. We had *no* idea. > "Now how am I supposed to get to the end game sequence?" Aya demanded. > "Err... You stupid jerks screwed up this entire > game sequence! If you would have had more sense, you wouldn't have gone > into a Parasite Eve crossover." Cloud was slowly > coming too. Jonatan: Coming where? Unless Clod's been doing, *ahem* naughty stuff. Yasha: Ick! It's just a typo. > "Surrounded by beauty... This is truly the Promised Land..." Cloud stared > up into Cid. "Ahhhhhhh!" Cloud screamed and rolled > away from him. Yasha: As Cloud desperately tries to cover up his *true* orientation.. Cat: [snickers] > "Hey. You ain't no sight for sore eyes #^$&," Cid commented. Red XIII > walked over to Aya. > > "How exactly were you supposed to end Parasite Eve?" Red XIII asked. Aya > brushed back her hair. > > "The pilot was supposed to bring me to the statue of liberty where I nuke > a huge slime thing and fight Eve. Then I find the > Ultimate Being, and blow that up, which triggers a confusing end game > sequence," Aya explained. Ryuu: We're crossing over into Evangelion now? Cat: No, that would be too dignified. > "Where is the Statue of Liberty?" Vincent asked. > > "On Ellis Island," Daniel explained. > > "Hey? Don't you guys got an airship or somethin'?" Barret said to Daniel. > > "We ain't got nothin' like dat," Daniel replied. > > "Hey? Why iz it dat we talkin' alike?" Barret growled. Daniel scratched > his head. > > "Dis has got to be da work of Square," Daniel deduced. > > "Damn dem foo's!" Barret shot at the wall. Cloud tapped his foot > impatiently. Cat: (Barret) Clod, you foo'! Keep off my foot, dammit! > "I hate to break up all this stupid commentary... But don't you guys have > chocobos in this game? We could use one of those in > a time like this." Aya snapped her fingers. Jonatan: Actually, she was just miming, while Daniel was breaking carrots behind her back. Yasha: ...come again? Jonatan: [grins] Obscure riff. > "There is a model of one in the museum... But it's only a model..." > Aya sighed. A little thought bubble appeared over Cloud's > head. Yasha: Someone had cast Silence on him, apparently. > "Chocobo + Mitochondria =... " Cloud combined the two in his mind, but > his thoughts were interrupted by Tifa, Aeris, and Aya > in swimsuits. Cloud shook his head. "No.... This isn't the time, or the > place... Must think..." He retried the thought and he > thought of an idea. "Hey! Eve managed to reanimate dead creatures using > mitochondria right?" Aya nodded. > > "Yeah... They ruined the whole movie scene with Tyrannosaurus by playing > it in the intro movie..." Aya sighed. "But Eve was > reanimating everything in the museum... Maybe she animated the chocobo!" [Everyone stops to watch a baseball fly through the theater] Ryuu: Now that's what I call a long shot. Jonatan: [rimshot] > Day 6: Imbecility > Yasha: Day 6? I feel like we've been riffing for six months! Ryuu: The title's appropriate. > "Hmm... They have a chocobo banner on the front entrance. This must be > the place!" Red XIII commented as he hopped out > of the car. > > "Damn foo'! I should have driven'!" Barret complained to Daniel. > > "And mess up my wheels? Not a chance!" Daniel growled. "You only got one > hand!" Barret rose his fist in anger. They walked > into the museum Cat: *THUMP!* Yasha: (as Cloud) OWW! > and followed Aya as she led them to the room with the > chocobo model. As Aya began to climb the stairs, she > cried out and fell backwards. Cloud caught her. Ryuu: They killed Aeris and kept these two? Cat: [groaning] When will the suffering end... > "Oh... Thank you Cloud," Aya blushed. > > "Wark!" the animated chocobo was at the top of the stairs. Jonatan: (Inu) It's a giant chicken! NOOO! > "Hey! That's him!" Vincent pulled out a 007 gadget. Cat: Does this mean Cid has a light saber, too? Jonatan: If so, then what does Cloud have? Yasha: He carries the Handbag of Doom. [laughs evilly] > "Wooheehoo!" the chocobo dashed towards them. Vincent flung the device > and it caught the chocobo in the neck. The > creature stopped cold. > > "What did you do?" Cid asked. He tapped the chocobo. Vincent pulled out > a remote. Jonatan: (Cid) $^#*(, Vincent, we don't have time to watch TV now! > "I just used a simple device to pump a mild electrical current through > the creatures body. The pulse is equivalent to the one that > Aya's nuclei use when repelling Eve's influence," Vincent explained. Aya > gasped. Jonatan: Or it could have been just a stunner device. Your call. Ryuu: So you're not saying it's wrong? Jonatan: Not sure. FEELS like you're weeding the garden with a 50-foot mecha, if you know what I mean. Ryuu: ...no, I don't. Jonatan: *sigh* > "Hey! How did you get my blood?" Aya demanded. Vincent shrugged. Jonatan: (Vincent) There's more truth to the 'vampire' gag than you know... Ryuu: (Vincent) It was just blobbing around in your veins. You don't mind if I borrow a pint or two, do you? You seemed to have enough anyway. > "Oh... I was probing your jacket and..." Vincent began. Aya stamped her > foot. Cat: (Aya) OWWIE! MY FOOT! OWOWOW! > "Damn... You and Maeda are both perverts," Aya complained. Looking at my > clothes and extracting fluids. Maeda coughed. Ryuu: Vincent a pervert? The guy who loves a dead woman and mourns the loss of his humanity all the time? > "I.. um.... er... no... I mean... yes?" Maeda stuttered. > > "That's nuff out of you," Barret added. Vincent gestured to the chocobo. Cat: And Maeda's tenuous manhood takes another blow... Ryuu: Tenuous? Non-existant, you mean. Yasha: Like you're one to talk. > "Hop aboard... Don't worry about fitting. We'll all just assimilate into > Cloud and become one, like Karn in Breath of Fire," > Vincent added. Ryuu: [as Cloud] I am Locloudus, of Borg. Yasha: Eeew, assimilated into Cloud? What a horrible fate! Jonatan: (hollow, echoing voice) Come into the light... do not be afraid. Become one with Cloud. Yasha: I'd be plenty afraid about that, thank you very much! > "Wow! Being the Ultimate Being is fun!" Yuffie said excitedly. She > pointed to a jet and it exploded in mid air. "Left jet in the > corner pocket." She pointed to another jet. The pilot let out a strangled > scream before crashing into an ocean liner. Eve > nodded. The two sat perched on the Statue of Liberty. Cat: Throwing bread crumbs to the jets. Ryuu: And the jets dive for the crumbs. > "Ahh yes Yuffie. You are truly the Ultimate Being. All of your abilities > fit the powers of the mitochondria," Eve floated in mid-air. Jonatan: She was sitting on the statue a second ago. Is she sitting or floating? Make up your mind! > "And soon, your race will take over the race that plagues the > Earth." Yuffie took a sip of Mito-Cola. > > "A world with ME as a race!" Yuffie smiled. "I'll show all those people > who hated me!" Eve nodded. All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGHHH! Ryuu: Everyone done yelling? Cat: Just a bit more. AAAAAAAARGH! [pants] Okay, continue. > "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go give birth to another Ultimate > Being in that huge blob of slime," Eve replied. She floated > away. > > "Have fun!" Yuffie yelled to her. > > Just then, the remaining Final Fantasy 7 cast and Parasite Eve cast > rushed in on the chocobo. > > "You're reign of evil ends here Yuffie!" Cloud shouted as he lifted up > his skirt to hop off the chocobo. Vincent pulled out his > PP7. Ryuu: So what happened to the Death Sentence? Jonatan: He had to pawn it to pay for several years' delayed rent of the Shinra Mansion's basement. > "You Only Live Once Yuffie!" Vincent aimed his gun. > > "Damn straight foo'!" Barret and Daniel shouted. > > "Umm... Yes.... er.... No?" Maeda scratched his head. "What he said?" Jonatan: Ha. Ha. Ha. Such HUMOROUS antics. [to Yasha] I begin to see why you consider him a loser. > "There's only room for Eve, Maya and me in this game! So that means it's > time for you to clear out!" Aya positioned her gun. > Yuffie laughed. > > "Now that I'm the ULTIMATE being, I am beyond all of you! I am Safer > Yuffie!" Yuffie exclaimed. "Girl Power!!" > > Yuffie's Parasite Energy is Maxed out. Yuffie floated into the air as she > evolved into the Ultimate Shinobi. Jonatan: When the heck did we get a narrator? Yasha: Well, her looks have improved. Ryuu: She looks like something those pink things in the Abyss might date. Cat: Only if the pink things in the Abyss are very desperate. > ::Eerie Ultimate Being Chanting Cues in:: Jonatan: Mecca-lecca-hi-mecca hiney ho... Yasha: Ia Ia, Cthulhu Fthagn... Ryuu: I love you, you love-- OW! HEY! Yasha: Never, EVER, say that again. > "This is the true form of Yuffie?" Cloud raised his sword. > > "#^$*#*@**#($)#&)!" Cid exclaimed. Jonatan: ...translator, please? Yasha: He said "I am greatly displeased with the current turn of events". Jonatan: Ah. Thank you. > "Why do I have the feeling that all the Yuffie fans are going to be angry > about this..." Red XIII groaned. Yuffie floated into the > air and a huge pink arrow formed in her hands. > > "Take this scum!" Yuffie hurled the arrow down in a cool cut sequence. Jonatan: But we don't want that scum. Besides, I've got my own scum. > Vincent and Red XIII dodged out of the way as the > arrow slammed into the ground. Vincent, Barret and Daniel fired back at > her. The bullets quickly found their marks and Yuffie > retreated away. Cloud ran up to Yuffie and swiped at her with his sword. Cat: Come to think of it... how the heck are they *fighting*? I mean, Yuffie was last seen at the top of the statue, and no description of her leaving. And the others are running around WAY too much for them to be at the top as well! But they can't be on the ground, because it would be impossible to-- [*SPLOOSH!*] Gah!? Jonatan: I found the hose, guys. [hands Cat a towel] You calm down or your head will explode, miss. Cat: [tries to dry herself off] Thanks. Got a mallet? Jonatan: Certainly. [hands Cat a mallet] What do you need it for? Cat: This. [proceeds to mallet Jonatan into a smear] This is for getting me wet! Jonatan: Itai... +_+ Ryuu: [sighs wistfully] Isn't it amazing... Yasha: The width of his stupidity? Ryuu: No, the fact that someone else gets beaten up instead of me. > She smacked him back with one of her wings. Cloud > shook his head. > > "It's no use... She's unstoppable!" Cloud gasped. "It's all over for > mankind as we know it. We might as well rename this fanfic, > Planet of the Yuffies." > > "Not if I can help it!" Aya shouted. She pulled off her jacket. Cloud > eyed her suspiciously. > > "I know the world is ending, but this isn't the place for this sort of > thing and..." Cloud stopped as Aya gave him a look that > might have made Cloud's hair stand on end, even though it already was. > > "Pervert..." she mumbled. "If I change outfits, my PE meter charges more > quickly," Aya explained as she slipped into a new > vest. Aya blinked with her new found energy. She ran up to Yuffie, which > took a significantly long time seeing she runs worse > than Cid. > Yasha: I rather liked Cid's running style. It always made me laugh. Jonatan: Sheesh. He runs tilted BACKWARDS. It's as if someone pulled him around on a string tied to his-- Yasha: HEY! Jonatan: --knees. > "Hey you #^$&@!" Cid shouted at the author. [*sound of silence*] Jonatan: Eh? Cat: There's no more fourth wall left to break. Yasha: I can throw a brick if you like. Ryuu: I wouldn't recommend it. Anything Yasha throws has a distressing tendency to hit people in the head. > "Oh! Cloud's found a new toy! I guess I'll just have to show you that > whatever you have can't match my Ultimate Power!" > Yuffie shouted. > > "Limit Break! Liberation!" Aya shouted. A red aura flowed around Aya. Aya > gasped as her body evolved into the next form. Ryuu: (author) Which you won't get to see, you hosers. > She smacked Yuffie across the screen. Yuffie fell flat on her face. Aya > gasped as she reverted forms. "Ow... Migraine." Aya > clutched her head as she popped two Tylenol in her mouth. Yuffie gasped > as she began to melt. > > "Hey! This wasn't supposed to happen! I'm Yuffie!!!" Yuffie melted into > the ground. Cloud sighed. > > "It's over..." Cloud gasped. Cat: (Cloud, choked) Tifa, could you please let go of my neck? Yasha: It's over? Really? Ryuu: All right! > "Not quite human," Eve floated back onto the screen. All: BOO! [throws debris at screen] > She was carrying a stork sign that read "It's a Girl!" > > "Oh #^$&! You mean she gave birth to the Ulimate Being!?" Cid's cigarette > fell to the ground. Aya scratched her head. > > "Wait a minute... Wasn't I supposed to nuke Snotzilla?" Aya was confused. > Eve shurgged. Jonatan: Dyslexics of the world, UNTIE! > "This entire game is screwed up now anyway... So, that means I can change > how everything is going to turn out... And > mitochondria will rule!" Eve declared. > > "Damn you and your $^$*$*(# mitochondira!" Cid shouted. > > "Yeah! You damn freak! You just like Jenova!" Barret shouted. Eve pointed > at Barret and Cid and they burst into flames. > Vincent gasped. Ryuu: (Vincent, choked) Aya, could you please let go of my neck? Cat: No way, he's mine! Yasha: No, MINE! [Cat fight ensues] Jonatan: That was evil. Ryuu: Hey, at least now they're not hurting us. Jonatan: Good point. Let's leave them to it. > "I knew Cid's smoking would cause something like this to happen," Vincent > muttered. Eve gestured to the rest of the group. > > "And now... to eliminate all of you as well," Eve held out her hands. Ryuu: (Eve) Go ahead and take them. I can always make more. > "Daddy!" Ben came running across the screen. > > "Wha'? How da hell?" Daniel watched as Ben ran towards him. > > "Why is he wearing a bath robe?" Red XIII asked. Vincent shrugged. Eve > pointed at Ben. Yasha: It's supposed to be a very oversized baseball outfit. > "Y'know... Your really getting on my nerves! You die too!" Eve set Ben on > fire. Daniel screamed. Cat: Oh, charming. Nothing to inspire the readers to care like setting fire to small children. -_- Jonatan: Somehow, I get the feeling the author stopped caring about the readers, oh... Ryuu: Ten pages into the fic? Jonatan: Approximately, yeah. > "No!" Daniel ran to his combusted son. He raised his fist in anger. "You > gonna die." He pulled out a remote and pressed a > button. Helicopters flew overhead. > > "Huh?" Eve looked around. "I thought this movie was skipped?" > > "I was keepin' it just in case," Daniel took a step back as another Aya > fired a nuclear warhead from the helicopter. > > "Damn you humans! If only the great Yuffie had destroyed you..." Eve > screamed as the warhead smacked into her. She was > jetted out into the bay and the nuke detonated. Everything was silent. > Vincent tapped Aya on the shoulder. Cat: (Aya) AAAAAGH! Don't do that! > "Is it over now?" Vincent asked. Yasha: Oh, if only that were true. > "Waaaaaaaaaaaaah!!" a baby's cry screeched in the distance. The ground > shook below them. Jonatan: It's the Ally McBeal dancing baby, and it's HUGE! > "I think that's a no," Red XIII answered him. > > The Ultimate Being appeared in the distance. Cloud threw his sword down. > > "Another angel? Damn you Square!" Cloud growled. The Ultimate Being Jonatan: Was forced to job to a giant winged aardvark in armor. Yasha: And exactly *where* did that come from? Jonatan: It'd take all day to explain. > floated before them and looked from character to > character. > > "Gee... It doesn't look like Yuffie," Red XIII commented. Suddenly, the > child glowed and grew to it's next phase. > > "We have to kill it before it reaches it's mature stage," Aya pulled out Ryuu: Very good, Parappa. You can go on to the mature stage now. > her gun. Suddenly, Wayne ran in. Cat: --to a wall. Ryuu: (Wayne) OW! Jonatan: 2XTREME! > "Hey Aya! Wanna store some junk or a weapon?" Wayne asked. Aya thought > for a second. Yasha: Then her brain overheated, and she collapsed on the street. > "Well... OK!" Aya pulled out Maeda's gun and handed it to him. "Here you > go!" Maeda screamed in the background. Wayne > examined the gun. > > "Hey! Now I can finish that weapon. I found all this junk in Times Square Ryuu: (Aya) That's a garbage can, Wayne. Cat: (Wayne) Like I said, I found all this junk... > and..." Wayne pulled out a gun made from parts of > Cait Sith. He snapped on a new part from Maeda's gun. "Here... It's, > Sith's gun!" Wayne nodded and ran off. Jonatan: I thought she threw bullets around? Yasha: Don't think. Don't. It saves a lot of effort. > "Wow! Cait Sith may have some use after all!" Vincent looked back to the > Ultimate Being. "Oops... Um, Aya?" > > "Yes?" Aya turned back to the Ultimate Being. The fully evolved Ultimate > Being floated over them. "Oh nuts..." The Ultimate > Being formed a strange symbol on the ground and blew the crap out of the > cast. All: Eww! Jonatan: They'll feel better for it. They looked a bit constip-- Yasha: Tasteless! Cat: Oh, and shouldn't we get to actually see this part? Ryuu: You want to make the story longer than it already is? Cat: ...good point. > Aya rolled away and gasped. She pointed Cait > Sith's gun at the Ultimate Being. She pulled the trigger. > > "Huh? It's out of ammo!" Aya shook the gun. Just then... [All facefault] Yasha: Ever heard of RELOADING?! > FMV sequence. Another Daniel jumped from a helicopter overhead. > > "Aya!" he screamed. Daniel was heading towards her and then impaled > himself on the Statue of Liberty's crown. > > "Oh... Dat's going to hurt in the morning," Daniel groaned. A clip of > ammo fell from his hand and Aya caught it. Jonatan: Cue plot contrivance. Yasha: This is so stupid, it's not even fun anymore. Ryuu: What? You don't find loathed characters qualifying for Darwin Awards to be amusing anymore? This fic's getting to you. Yasha: Stop smirking. > "This is from Maeda?" Aya asked. Maeda nodded. > > "Um... Yes!" Maeda exclaimed. She loaded the clip and turned to the > Ultimate Being. "Die you scum!" Cait Sith's head opened > and fired the ammo loaded with Aya's blood. Jonatan: Everyone's got Aya's blood these days. I'm amazed there's enough left in her to keep her going. Cat: (Aya) Well, I have to pay the rent somehow... > The capsule exploded on the > Ultimate Being. The creature let out a huge screech Cat: (cheesy) GWAAAAR! > and fell to the ground. The entire Ellis Island began to shake. > > "We better leave," Vincent hopped onto the chocobo. > > "Agreed," Cloud jumped on behind him. The cast rode off as the island > sunk into the ocean. > > "This entire fanfic sucked... Jonatan: Okay, which one of us said that? Yasha: I was thinking it. Ryuu: I was thinking about setting fire to the writer. Cat: Feeling dark today? > No Halloween candy... Nothing!" Cloud > complained. > > "Well... Yuffie and Cait Sith are dead," Red XIII added. Yasha: Okay, that's a good thing. > "And you have a new friend," Vincent elbowed Cloud gesturing to Aya. > > "What about that mad strange ending?" Daniel asked. Suddenly, Aya's eyes > began to glow. > > "The sign of someone who has been induced with Ryuu: Crappy fanfiction? > Mako..." Cloud replied. > His eyes glowed as well. Soon the entire cast's eyes > were glowing. They spelled out, "Happy Halloween." Suddenly, Cait Sith's > gun coughed. Ryuu: He should get some Halls Menthol-action bullets, then. > "Hey! You can't end this fic yet! I never got a chance to see the Great > Punpkin! No! Stop!!" Cait Sith cried as a circle closed in > around him. Ryuu: Hey, they just said he was dead five paragraphs ago! Jonatan: Give it a rest, it's over. > > > ~Le Fin~ [All cheer] > > > > Greetings, > > Happy Halloween if you're fortunate enough to be reading this fic around > Halloween! Otherwise... I hope you enjoyed the > fanfic. Yasha: What if we didn't? > Anyway, glad you took the time to read it. I'd like to thank my > usual people, good ole Amos at Squaresoft Fanfic/Fanart > HQ for sponsoring this. And all my fans for support! Thanks and see you > next fanfic! > > No updates on what my next fic is going to be... I'll be finishing > Asellus' SaGa of MoRoN Frontier though... So keep an eye > out! We'll keep the next few fics I'm working on a surpirse. > > Oh. And I guess I should stop making fun of Yuffie for a little while. I > think I overdid it in this fanfic! Yasha: I don't think it's actually possible to make too much fun of Yuffie.. Ryuu: No, you're thinking of Barrett. Yasha: Ah. My bad. > > > Christopher La Bianca > > - Geode, Fanfiction Writer > > > > If you though that was good All: No. > (and you better have ^_^), All: No. > make sure you > check out Geode's excellent, > excellent "Secrets of the Ancients: Final Fantasy". All: No. > It's got more great > stories than can possibly be > good for you, Jonatan: Well, there might just be some truth in that. Reading this fic certainly wasn't good for me. > plus it's updated EVERY DAY. Not whenever Haley's Comet > comes around, not once > ever presidential election, not even once a week... every day. If that > don't beat all, then I dunno what > does. :) Ryuu: Bondage Mask equipped with a whip? Yasha: Now *that's* obscure. > Oh and if you happen to miss the story one week, Jonatan: Give yourself a hearty pat on the back. > just check back in this > spot right here for links to > previous stories. That way no one is deprived of these terrific works of > fiction...:) Jonatan: Terrific? No. But the first five letters were right. > > So keep your dial right here at the HQ, and we'll see you next week... > same bat channel, same bat > station! ^_~ > > > Previous Stories: > Final Fantasy 64 > The Clone Wars > Cloud's Birthday > Final Fantasy Recast: The Conclusion > Yuffie Vs. The Ten Commandments > Shadowed Truths Yasha: It's over? For real? Cat: Eugh. Whatever they send us, it can't get any worse. Jonatan: [panicky] NO! Don't say that! Nothing good comes from it! Ryuu: Let's go. [they all get up and leave] [1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...] [Once again, they enter the bridge. Gina is preparing a tea tray; how she's able to hold it is unknown. Some furniture is spread out around the place.] Gina: Hi! Was it fun? Ryuu: [falls into a chair] Only if you have a very strange opinion of what's fun. Cat: [turns to Gina] So, what do we have on board? Please tell me we have a Playstation! [The yellow light starts blinking.] Jonatan: Oh, lookie. The mads are calling. [pushes the button] [DEEP 13] [Dr. Forrester is standing in front of the screen, cackling evilly. In the background, the villains are playing cards with TV's Frank.] Dr. F: Hello there, pitiful souls! [Satellite] Jonatan: [cheerfully] Hello, mustachioed man in green! Gina: [giggles] [DEEP 13] Dr. F: [haughtily] Show some respect, boy! [Satellite] Jonatan: [leans back and snickers] Respect for you? Shhyeah. Yasha: [to the screen] So, we're extremely tortured from the horrific crossover of PE and FF7, and and we have all gone insane. So can we go home now? [looks bored] [DEEP 13] [the villains are now standing around Dr. F] Dr. F: No dice, girl! We have LOTS of stuff to send you! We have PLANS for you! Right, my associates? Malaise: [grins like a wolf] Sure does... Maynard: [grins in a horrible way] plAns, All rIght... Blank Psychic: [also grins, but you can't see it through his mask] Certainly we have plans! Dr. F: And there you have it! Boy, don't you regret writing these guys... Frank, push the button! [Frank pushes the button. The hexfield turns off.] Dr. F: Now... [notices the three villains are staring at him, still grinning.] Now what? Malaise: [grins in a way that threatens to turn his/her cheeks into a singularity] You see, we have *plans*... [Satellite] Yasha: Is it just me, or did those three guys look... odd? Jonatan: It's probably just you. [turns to Gina] So, do I have a room somewhere, or do we sleep on the bridge? Gina: Well, there's some quarters... Jonatan: Anything to spend them on? [Ryuu, Cat and Yasha facefault] Jonatan: Never mind. [gets up, and walks over to a door marked "LAB"] Ooh, I got dibs on this one! [vanishes into the room] Yasha: Whatever. Hmm... only two bedrooms left. Cat: Happy couch camping, Ryuu. Ryuu: WHAT?! You two should share a room! Yasha: [snorts derisively, and exits into a room] Cat: Dream on, Dragon-boy. [slips into the the last room] Ryuu: [glares at he doors, then turns to Gina] Looks like you're stuck, too... Gina: I'm bodiless. I don't need to sleep. [she smiles, and vanishes through a wall] Ryuu: I hate my life. [Outside DEEP 13] [Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank fly out through the door, and lands with a thump. The doors slams shut.] Dr. F: [gets up and waves his fist impotently in the air] You FIENDS! You'll pay for this! Frank: [still on the ground] I think I landed on my keys... ow... Dr. F: [turns to Frank] Come on, Frank... we have work to do. [thunder strikes in the distance] [fade out] Authors' notes: Well, one author... Yasha didn't have anything to say, she said. Anyway, this here is our FIRST MSTing... but not our last! Actually, it's our third, seeing as we weren't allowed to MST our first fic... never mind. It was very fun to write, and there's several more in the future. Well, that was it, I suppose. OCR notes: Brother Maynard, General Malaise, and The Blank Psychic are three villains from the really good fanfic "Do-Gooders", a work I recommend reading. Check it out at: http://pixelscapes.com/improfanfic/ Send comments! E-mail is: Jonatan: J_Streith@Mailandnews.com Yasha: ryuuyasha@Mailandnews.com Thank you for reading! Stinger: > "What the hell? What's going on Aya! That guys a freak and you're coming > on to him! Just look at his hands. They're the size of > cinder blocks!" Daniel commented. Vincent opened his 007 watch and > pressed a button. All the characters jumped into > pre-rendered mode.