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Y8bd8P 888 888 888 888 888 Y88P 888 888 888 Because We Always Parody the Ones We Love by Keith Knop (alias Mervyn the Wonder Slug) mervynwonderslug@yahoo.com submissions/suggestions welcome ======================================================================= ==CONTENTS============================================================= ======================================================================= 1. VERSION HISTORY 2. CONFUSED YET? (Magic system) 3. WALKTRHOUGH DISK 1 a. The Beginning b. Sick Semper Tyrannis c. Bustin' Loose d. The Fugitive(s) e. The Parallelogram of Sages f. Homeward Bound g. Czechmate h. The Great Escape (in progress) i. Just Like Laputa (No, Not *That* Kind) (not yet) j. Parasite Leaves (not yet) k. Head, Shoulders, Nisantos (not yet) l. Aqua Fortis, Testa Mollis (not yet) m. The Winds of Change (not yet) DISK 2 [not yet] DISK 3 [not yet] 4. SIDEQUESTS (not yet) a. Leonardo b. Lampoona c. The Deranged Collector d. Ultimate Weapons e. The Shrub f. Assorted Minigames 5. CHARACTERS a. Playable characters b. Supporting Cast (not yet) 6. LISTS a. Items (in progress) b. Weapons (still forthcoming...) c. Armor (still forthcoming...) d. Limit Breaks e. Skills f. Summons and Spells 7. DID YOU NOTICE...? in progress 8. FAQ, IN WHICH OBSCURITIES ARE EXPLAINED a. FAQ (not yet) b. 9. CREDITS: I LIED ABOUT IT BEING THE END in progress ======================================================================= ==1. VERSION HISTORY=================================================== ======================================================================= 0.01 March? 2000 -A few character profiles up -Walkthrough, up to Bustin' Loose, Med Lab section 0.124 6/19/00 -Magic system tutorial -Walkthrough, rest of Bustin' Loose and all of The Fugitive(s) 0.421 10/8/00 -Walkthrough, all of Parallelogram of Sages -Added some character profiles. I have most of the major characters now. -Started the item and Limit Break lists. 0.xyz 01/28/01 -Walkthrough, Homeward Bound: all of Incognita's and half of Drizzle's scenarios (sceneria? scenerii?) added. -More Limits -All Summons and some magic added -Some Skills added 0.Q37 03/3/01 -Fixed some minor continuity errors -Finished Homeward Bound 0.PhD 06/14/01 -Walkthrough inched forward -Spells completed -Name change: Moocows 0.876-5309 2/17/02 -Finished Homeward Bound for real -Walkthrough, all of Czechmate -Limits completed -Spells completed -Skills completed -Realized I had provided for haste and slow status without including any abilities to get those states. One new summon, two new spells. ======================================================================= ==2. CONFUSED YET? (MAGIC)============================================= ======================================================================= The magic system in this game was apparently designed by a demented tax auditor, because it's about as intuitive as particle physics. To start with, every character has a unique special ability, most of which require MP and work essentially like magic. Then there are Limit Breaks, which cost no MP but can only be used on occasion when a character has lost enough HP to be in the "squatting" postion. Be warned that if you deliberately keep a character weak for the sake of using Limit Breaks you run the risk of having your Health Insurance cancelled. This doubles the price of Inns and sextuples the cost of all healing items and is very, very bad. Limit Breaks also show up randomly as a function of luck. All Limit Breaks must be learned from items, so you don't start out with any. Then there are Summons, which can only be used after defeating certain bosses. Summon spells can be equiped on any character, but no two characters can have the same one at the same time. Finally we get to actual magic, which is learned from Summon monsters while they're equiped. Any character can learn magic, and everyone should have basic healing spells, but for practical purposes you should concentrate on teaching spells only to characters with high magic power (read: Incognita, Fellah, and Ovaltine) because they'll learn much faster, and because they're the only ones who'll get any use at all out of them. There's also something called "Intersection," which appears to be tied to magic, the phases of the moon, and the Dow Jones Industrial Average, but the instruction booklet doesn't explain it at all and none of the in-game tutorials say anything except "Play around with it! You'll figure it out in no time!" To my knowledge, nobody has ever even figured out what it does, let alone how to use it. Rhombus denies that it even exists, and many people believe it to be a translation error gone horribly wrong. ======================================================================= ==3. WALKTHROUGH: DISK 1=============================================== ======================================================================= QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ %%The Beginning%% QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ You begin in Quaint Village. Drizzle's mother will wake him up and remind him that today is the start of the Millenial Morris Dancing Festival. She will then look out the window and say "Be careful, it looks like..." and then you will have a chance to name Drizzle. Be aware that if you choose anything other than a meteorological condition, the hero's name will default to Genherbo, which as near as I can tell is short for "Generic Hero Boy." If you talk to Mom multiple times, she'll give you, in order: a bottle of sunblock, a bag of snacks, and 200 Geep. This gives you a total of 500 Geep. Head outside, where you'll find Incognita waiting for you, and have a chance to name her. She'll suggest you explore the Festival, and join your party. There's plenty to keep you occupied. You can play several different games for Tokens; you can then trade Tokens for various prizes. Most are pretty crappy, but for 100 of them you can get the Thwack! Staff for Incognita. This is a good weapon. Winning the 100 Tokens can be tedious, but I reccomend you get it anyway. Just DO NOT equip Incognita with it now, or if you do, be SURE you remember to take it off her before you finish the Flaming Cavern of Fiery Death (see below). The Weapon merchant in the upper left corner of the market area sells the SpearMint, the third best Gumblade in the game. Unfortunately it's 98,240 Geep; the enemies outside of Quaint Village are pretty weak, and the most Geep you can get from a single fight is 17. If you really want the SpearMint, you'll be stuck here for a loooooooooooooooooong time. When you're done with the games, head up to the Morris Dancing grounds. Seiferoth will accidentally bump into you, and then taunt you. He'll challenge you to a dancing contest; if you accept, Seiferoth will kick your butt and taunt you some more. If you decline, he'll just taunt you. Either way, they'll argue, and Seiferoth will say that the only way to settle this for sure is to explore the Flaming Cavern of Fiery Death to the north. I'm not sure what this has to do with Morris Dancing, but then the whole Morris Dancing thing is just bizarre anyway. Head outside Quaint Village and fight the enemies there until you have 1000 Geep. Use this to buy a set of Adventurer's Clothes for Incognita (Drizzle has them already) and two Hunting Caps, which raise your accuracy a little. Another bottle of Sunblock would also be a good idea. Before you head to the Flaming Cavern of Fiery Death, make sure Drizzle has Suctioned the Frost ability from the SullenSlugs that appear in the forests. It'll come in handy. After you've rested at your house and saved, head north. The Flaming Cavern of Fiery Death is easy to spot; equip one Sunblock on Incognita, and the other on Drizzle if you have it. This will reduce Fire damage by 1/4. When you first enter the cave, Incognita will pop out and tell you how to use your own weapon, for reasons I cannot begin to fathom. ==Flaming Cavern of Fiery Death== Items: Potion (2), Snacks (3), Bronze Helm, Oak Staff, Padded Leather The cave itself is nothing much. To the left of the entrance is a side passage with a Potion and more Snacks. Head back, then go right from the entrance. The rest of the cave is pretty linear; the side passages all lead to treasure chests. Give Drizzle the Padded Leather. The Copper Helm is slightly stronger than the Hunting Cap, but doesn't raise your accuracy. You might want to give it to Incognita, your call. The enemies are stronger than outside, but nothing too tough. Be sure to have Drizzle Suction the Heat ability from the Hotfoots. Don't use Frost if you can avoid it, because you'll need to conserve MP. Also, try to use the Snacks to heal, instead of using the Potions or Incognita's Health MGP. When you reach the room with the big bubbling pit of magma, take the Thwack! staff off Incognita she's got it, then walk up. You'll find Seiferoth and a man with horrible fashion sense. The following exchange takes place: MAN: So you're one of those Morris Dancers I hear about? SEIFEROTH: Who are you? MAN: Oh, me? I'm just an innocent traveler on my way to the Millenial Morris Dancing Festival by way of the insanely dangerous Flaming Cavern of Fiery Death instead of the much safer mountain passes above. INCOGNITA: Well, of course. DRIZZLE: ... SEIFEROTH: I've seen you before... MAN: Well shoot, you found me out. I'm actually on my way to Quaint Village with evil intent. Go get 'em, boys! Uwee hee hoo ha! You will then be attacked by four IckyRoaches. They'd ordinarily be rather tough, but you have Seiferoth in your party for this battle. Save your MP. Use Snacks or Potions to heal, and just use normal attacks. The IckyRoaches can use Loathesome Touch, which will cause one character to leap around and scream for a turn, so try to take them out quickly, one at a time. When the fight is over: MAN: Oops. Gotta run. DRIZZLE: Wait! MAN: "Wait," he says. Do I look like a lawn ornament? DRIZZLE: ...What? MAN: I'm sorry, I seem to have misplaced my witty retort. The man then tosses something into the bubbling pool of magma and dashes past you. The Flame Roach rises up and attacks. =Boss: Flame Roach= HP: 1000 This is a hard battle, for a first boss. If you have any healing items left, use those and then switch to Incognita's Health MGP. Drizzle should use Frost until he runs out of MP, then attack. Seiferoth should use Kinetic Sword until he runs out of MP, then attack. The Flame Roach hits hard, so watch out. Scorch Breath is particularly nasty as it hits everyone. When you've won, the Flame Roach will say "GWAAAR!" and sink. The whole place starts shaking, and Drizzle will suggest everyone leave. Note that, even though you can see the exit on the other side of the mountains, if you try to escape that way Incognita will step in front of you and say "Where are you going?!" So retrace your steps to the entrance. When you leave, there will be a huge explosion, and Drizzle will be knocked unconscious. Drizzle wakes up in a field, surrounded by fragments of rock from the explosion. There is no sign of Incognita or Seiferoth, so the only thing to do is return to Quaint Village. When you get there you discover that it is, rather predictably, on fire. There's no one in the streets, and you can't enter any of the buildings. Drizzle will stand around and angst for a while, do the vengeance spiel, and then Prell, a childhood acquaintance of Drizzle's, will come up and ask what happened here. After Drizzle explains the situation in more detail than really necessary, Prell will suggest you return with him to his aunt's house in Naugahyde, where he's been living for the past couple of years. ==Naugahyde Desert== Items: Snacks (2), Potion Naugahyde is just across the border to the Imperial Empire to the south, seperated from the Kingdom of 'Aven't by a desert. (If you try to enter the desert before, Incognita will just pop out and say that crossing the desert is dangerous if you don't know the way.) When you first enter the desert, you'll see a brief scene with Drizzle and Prell. PRELL: [Punches ground] Man, I just crossed this thing for the Festival, too. This sucks. DRIZZLE: ... PRELL: Oh. Well, yeah, I guess losing your home in a blazing inferno kinda sucks, too... DRIZZLE: ... PRELL: And all your family... DRIZZLE: ... PRELL: And pro'ly everyone else you care about, really... DRIZZLE: You're not really helping, you know. PRELL: Oops. Anyway, the desert's nothing much. There are patches of shifting sand that will carry you around; if you look carefully you should be able to see which way you'll go. Just be careful around the big cactus, as there's one patch of sand immediately to the right that will take you *almost* to the end of the desert and then all the way back to the start. Not cool. The enemies are nothing serious, except for the Sand Scum: these guys can pack a punch and their defense is ridiculously high. Use Drizzle's Frost and/or Prell's Hobo Rush to take them out, or else just run away. They are fairly decent for experience and Geep, though. There's no boss, fortunately, so once you reach the end you can just leave. You'll now be in the Imperial Empire. WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW %%Sick Semper Tyranis%% WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Naugahyde isn't very far from the desert exit. It's a fairly big place. You might want to explore for a bit, there's plenty to see. The weapon and armor shops have better stuff and you probably want to get the Drizzle's Resin Edge and Prell's Knuckle Sandwich. Get another Padded Leather for Prell; the Copper Armor isn't worth it. When you've finished shopping, head for Prell's aunt's house in the upper left section of town. Before you go in, Prell will warn you that his aunt has been known to act a little strangely. This turns out to be an understatement. Immediately upon entering the house she will fling herself on Drizzle and declare him the Legendary Hero destined to save the Kingdom of Phenfen from the Empire. She explains that the Empire absorbed Phenfen about thirty years ago, and then reads Drizzle an incomprehensible prophesy and claims that it fits him like a glove. In one of the most dramatic moments in the game, Drizzle looks at her and says, in firm, heroic tone: "..." Prell's aunt (Gale) then rants a bit about how evil the Empire is, and mentions in passing a man who conveniently happens to match the description of the whacko with the roaches. She says his name is Kafka, and he's one of the Empire's chief generals. This of course is sufficient to catapult Drizzle into action. He agrees to help her, while Prell mutters about embarassing relatives. She then explains your first mission. The Regional Prefect, Don Retina, will be traveling through Naugahyde tomorrow. Gale says that he is a hypochondriac, and will insist on stopping for treatment if you can convince him that he's sick. To this goal she gives you a sack of itching powder and explains how you'll get on his train. When she's done she'll ask if you're ready. Say no if you need to do anything else in town; otherwise you'll go to sleep for the night. ==Midday Train to Nauguahyde== Items: None The following morning Drizzle, Prell, and Gale will be on top of a platform over the train tracks outside Naugahyde. When the train comes along, Drizzle and Prell will climb down onto a cable and start swinging. You'll have to time your jump off the cable so that a) you don't over- or undershoot and splat into the ground, b) you don't land in between the cars and fall off and get smooshed, and c) don't land on a car that's green, red, yellow, or off-mauve. If you land on anything other than a blue car, a horde of soldiers will swarm out and kill you instantly. Once you actually manage to land safely, you then have to work your way up to the first-class car. (It doesn't matter how soon you jump on the train, you always have to climb over the same number of cars. Odd, that.) You should be able to see the soldiers through the windows. The orange ones have excellent hearing and can tell if you move while you're above them, the purple ones can feel your body heat if you stand still, and the puce ones are psychic and can tell if anyone named after a meteorological condition is overhead. Obviously, you can only get past the puce soldiers if you went with the "Genherbo" option at the start of the game. If not, you'll just have to plow through all the fights you get into when you run into one of them. You can use the experience anyway. Once you get to Retina's car, drop down through the skylight and walk up behind the Don. He'll tell you to go away because he's contemplating important matters of state. (Note: I've been told that the headline of the newspaper he's reading reads, in Japanese, "Large-Busted Women Found in Underwear. See inside for exclusive photographs." Could someone confirm this?) Drizzle dumps the itching powder on him, the Don immediately concludes that he's come down with leprosy and orders the train to stop. Unfortunatly the brakes have given out. Guards start pouring into the car, because apparently you are more of a concern to them than the fact that they are on a runaway train. Fight your way out of the car. A timer will appear in the corner of the screen and you'll have ten minutes to get to the engine car and stop the train. Try to avoid the guards, as too many fights can really slow you down. =Boss: Runaway Engine= HP: 1600 Once you reach the engine car, you have to fight...the engine. It's a gimmick battle, nothing much to worry about, but if the timer runs out it will explode for no readily available reason and you'll all die. It "attacks" by periodically belching flames and shooting off nuts and bolts. Have Drizzle Suction the Flame Belch ability, then use Frost. Prell should use Hobo Rush, or Pledge Drive if you have it (you probably won't). When the engine has been destroyed, the train will slow, the guards will start piling up, and Prell will suggest a judicious employment of the better part of valor. He grabs Drizzle by the collar and jumps out the door. Don Retina runs in and yells threats about the repair bill after them. Fade to black in dramatic and suspenseful fashion. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE %%Bustin' Loose%% EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ==Research Lab== Items: Snacks (4), Potions (8), Brain Lotion (1), Antidotes (4) Bathrobe, Paper Sack After a brief FMV sequence of the Imperial Empire Research Lab, Incognita will wake up in a small cell. After the usual "where am I and what happened?" stuff, Kafka shows up and interrogates her about Morris Dancing. Incognita says she never really paid much attention and actually thinks it's pretty stupid. She then asks Kafka why he wants to know and he says it has to do with mystical cosmic harmonic resonance or some crap like that (these being his exact words). He then leaves, entrusting the key to the cell to the stupidest guard in the Empire, as per spec. Once you have control of Incognita, equip her with the Thwack! Staff if you have it. (All her old equipment is gone, which is why you shouldn't have given her the best stuff.) Insult the guard's mother to make him come into the cell, then whack him on the head when he turns his back and run out. Take a moment to pick up the Bathrobe in the dead end passage to the north, as it's better than the Hospital Gown Incognita's wearing. The cell block is pretty small. Work your way west into the Med Lab. From here on out things get pretty tough, especially with just one character. There's a Paper Sack near the entrance; it doesn't offer much defense, but it's better than your current helmet (i.e. nothing). All the other chests in the Lab are potions, snacks, and brain lotions (they restore MP); unexciting stuff, but DON'T PASS THEM UP. You'll need most of them before you're out. You definitely want to concerve MP wherever possible. Anyway, a little bit into the Med Lab, Incognita will have an incomprehensible flashback (don't worry, it's short). Head north until you hear a mysterious voice, then follow it until you reach the director's office. The voice turns out to be coming from the bird cage in the corner. The parrot inside tells you to let it out. Heal, then do so. Now you'll have to fight it. After a couple of hits, the parrot will turn into Quetzovercoatl, the Feathered Trenchcoat. Use Health to heal, and if you have the Thwack! Staff you can use it as an item to drop rocks on Quetzovercoatl's head. If not, just use regular attacks, as it's nearly immune to fire and ice. Once you win, Quetzovercoatl will thank you for freeing him from the parrot body he was trapped in, tell Incognita she's a member of the Ancient Mysterious Race, and vanish before she can ask any questions. You'll now get the Quetzovercoatl Summon spell. Equip Incognita with it. Backtrack to the place where you entered the Med Lab and some goons will show up (finally) and give chase. The game will take over, and Incognita will sprint away. The scene then cuts to the director's office, where Howard Johnson (the director) is fuming over the loss of his new subject and his "parrot." His colleagues Sid and Dr. Loogie are there as well. Howard Johnson orders the release of the Big Giant Plant That Eats Stuff to capture the escapee. Sid advises caution, but Howard silences him and says that the Big Giant Plant's digestive juices work slowly enough that there's nothing to worry about. Dr. Loogie will make the inevitable "Go HoJo!" remark, and get whapped upside the head for it. Meanwhile, Incognita smacks into another group of guards transporting a blond guy with a hat that permanently covers one eye. After a moment's confusion, she and the man fight the guards. After the fight he introduces himself as Batholomew Cubbins, Pirate of Justice. He tries to get smooth, but Incognita kicks 'im inna fork and explains that she has a boyfriend already, Thank You Very Much. Once Bart can breathe again, the following exchange takes place: INCOGNITA: What are you doing here? BART: My mighty fleet and I were captured when we tried to raid an Imperial trader carrying ill-gotten gains, and were brought here as test subjects for inhumane experiments. INCOGNITA: Thank you, Mr. Exposition. ...Wait, your FLEET got captured by one ship? BART: Er, well, maybe "fleet" is a little exaggeration... But we had a secret weapon! The Bart-O-Matic 2000! INCOGNITA: Don't tell me. It comically misfired, right? BART: ... ... ... Yes. How'd you know? INCOGNITA: [Sigh] Let's get out of here. Bart says they have to free his first mate, Ferris, who has also been captured and constitutes, in himself, the rest of Bart's "mighty fleet." He's being brought along not far behind, and one brief ambush later Ferris joins up and the Med Lab gets a whole lot easier. He uses swords, by the way, and Bart uses whips. Head south. The exit isn't far away now, so heal up for the boss fight you know is coming. As soon as you leave, the Big Giant Plant That Eats Stuff will sprout and attack you. =Boss: Big Giant Plant that Eats Stuff= HP: 1300 The BGPTES has two particularly nasty attacks. One is Pollen Count, which poisons everyone. It's a Suction ability, but obviously you can't learn it at the moment since Drizzle's not in the party. The other is Bludgeon, in which the BGPTES pulls a member of the Little Shop of Horrors cast out of its gullet and belabors one character about the head with him/her. If it uses all three Doo-wop girls at once it can even kill a moderately weakened character, so stay healed. Use Bart and Ferris's regular attacks (they don't have any specials at the moment) and have them use items when necessary. If Incognita isn't needed for healing, use Quetzovercoatl once or twice and then switch to Hotfoot to save MP. After you win, Ferris will snag his clothes on a stray vine and it will become apparent that he's actually a woman disguised as a man to get respect in the pirating business. Incognita will look at the camera, shrug, and say "You saw it coming, right folks?" Fade out. ==Swanky Woods== Items: Oak Staff, Copper Sword, Bronze Armor (2), Potion (3), Brain Lotion, 1000 Geep Swanky Woods is right outside the Med Lab, and you'll have to go through it to get anywhere. It's kind of mazelike inside (of course) but Bart claims he remembers the way perfectly. Just follow him, picking up the chests along the way. The Bronze Armor is better than what either Bart or Ferris has, so be sure to pick up both of them. Following Bart (you can't NOT follow him) you'll eventually get hopelessly lost. Incognita and Ferris will punch him and then set up camp for the night. Incognita will wake up that night and realize that their campsite is surrounded by glowing eyes. It turns out to be the Moocows, the little winged cow things from previous installments of the series. BART: You mean the fabled inhabitants of Swanky Woods, rumored to be extinct, known for music, macramé, and holding signs that say "Eat mor chiken?" INCOGNITA: Would you stop expositing already? Anyway, the Moocows are armed and seem displeased. They start closing in, but then a voice tells them to stop. Another Moocow leaps out of the trees and introduces himself as Moog. He explains that they had feared Incognita and her friends were working for the Med Lab. He offers to show them the way out in the morning. After breaking camp, just follow Moog, who actually does know where the exit is. He'll leave leave you right at the entrance. Once out of the woods, head south to Costa del Schlock, the famous tourist resort. Once there Bart and Ferris will also leave, saying they have to find a new ship. You can update Incognita's equipment--the Souvenier Robe is good, as is the Boring Staff. Hang on to the Thwack! Staff, though, since you can use it in battle. Also consider the Brand-Name Athletic Shoes, a pricey accessory which speeds you up in battle. Costa del Schlock is full of seedy shops--watch out in particular for the "antique" store, which sells you broken weapons in disguise, and the guy named Butch who stands on the street corner hawking materia. The fact that materia aren't used in this game should make you a trifle suspicious of him. When you're done shopping, rest up and head to the beach. Go north to the docks, where Incognita will try to book passage on a ship back to 'Aven't. The captain demands fare of 120,000 Geep, apparently because he has the business sense of cream cheese. Incognita is about to thrash him when the docks are attacked by a Devil Razor Death Squid of Doom. Now you get to fight it (aren't you lucky?). =Boss: DRDSD= HP: 1500 Speed is the most important thing here, which is where the Brand-Name Athletic Shoes come into play. The Squid can really do a number on you if you aren't quick, so the faster you can heal and still have time to attack, the better off you'll be. A couple Quetzovercoatl summons will soften it up nicely; save the rest of your MP for healing and attack normally. If Incognita has learned Faulty Wire you can use that as well; the other MGP abilities are almost useless. It only has about 1500 HP, so if you're quick you shouldn't have any real trouble. Once you've dealt with the squid the captain will generously offer to lower the fare to 2000 Geep. Incognita will accept and board the ship. It sets sail, and we then rejoin Prell and Drizzle. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR %%THE FUGITIVE(S)%% RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR The scene reopens on Drizzle and Prell on the lam from irate Imperial soldiers who wish them harm. The train slid to a halt not far from the town of Carmenmiranda, so just head north a little ways. Once you enter the town, the soldiers will catch up and Drizzle and Prell will take off down the streets. After a really impressive chase FMV, the two of them climb up a fire escape in back of a hotel and break into one of the rooms. Prell will drag Drizzle into the closet, and they will emerge wearing fancy robes and truly ridiculous hats. PRELL: Heh, nobody'll recognize us in these... DRIZZLE: Thank God. PRELL: Well, at least it'll take your mind off the whole firey inferno thing. DRIZZLE: ... PRELL: Damn, I gotta stop doing that. Anyway, sneak out of the room and down the stairs. There are guards searching the area, and here's were things get tricky. If see a guard, stop running and walk. If you run they'll get suspicious, and you also have to try to keep them from seeing your faces. If you do get caught you have to fight, which is difficult because of the fancy robes (they have the same effect as the Lead Pants MGP ability, halving your speed. Also, sometimes you trip over them and lose a turn). Once you finally make it down to the lobby, another comically berobed person will stop you and herd you into a large auditorium. As it turns out this is the international convention of the Fraternal Order of the Wombat, and Drizzle happens to be wearing the robe of the Grand High Poo-Bah. He gets shoved up on stage behind a podium. The goal here is to assemble a coherant speech (good luck) from the wadded-up notes Drizzle finds in the pocket of the robe. There are a number of ways to arrange the notes, and each has a specific point value. Depending on your choices, the Vice Poo-Bah will present you with a token of their esteem, unless you do really horribly, in which case you will be chased from the hotel by an angry mob. It's more difficult than it sounds, because you have only a few seconds to make the choice, and each choice is only a sort of opening tagline, and there's no way to predict *what* Drizzle will say afterward. To make matters worse, you have to arrange the whole speech before delivering it, so it's kind of a crap shoot. Unless, of course, you cheat and look at this list. Here are the choices and point values: (2) Greetings fellow Brethren... (1) A funny thing happened to me on the way to the convention... (1) When in the course of human events... (2) ...I find my attendance here... (-1) Two aardvarks, a gnu, and a duck in a brassiere walk into a bar... (3) Allow me to offer most gracious thanks... (2) The greater glory of the Order... (5) Five shirts, no starch... (0) ...partridge in a pear tree... (1) ...is a warm fuzzy puppy. (-7) ...as enjoyable as bowel surgery in the woods with a stick. (4) My socks are full with the Gravel of Plenitude. (6) Large rodents... (2) My love of... (1) Six thousand pairs of shoes... (-4) I would like to conclude with... (0) Thank you and goodnight. (3) Go forth, and hoist the Suspenders of Veneration... Prizes: 1 or below...chased by a mob (lose 1/2 HP and have to walk to Cornea) 2-8..........Potion 9-12.........Brain Lotion 13-16........Fancy Knicknack 17-20........550 Geep 21-22........Brand-Name Athletic Shoes 23...........Wombat Plushie The Fancy Knicknack has no real use, but if you collect enough of them later in the game you can trade them to the Deranged Collector for stuff. Don't worry about this one, there are plenty of others. The Wombat Plushie is an accessory that will periodically absorb physical attacks. It's probably worth the effort. Assuming you didn't get chased out of town, you'll be bundled on board a train headed for the Grand Temple of the Wombat in the Kingdom of Barrons to the north. If you did get chased, you'll have to hoof it up north. It's a long walk, but at least you'll be able to re-enter Carmenmiranda and shop around. Whether you go by foot or train, at some point Drizzle and Prell will fall asleep and dream, thus ushering in what may well be the most surreal minigame in RPG history. You're controlling a guy (?) who's stuck on a train which will explode if it goes less than 50 mph (this should sound familiar). What you have to do is heave rocks at the back of the engineer's head so he stays awake until the Mobile Bomb Disarmament Squad can save you. The problem is that Keanu Reeves is also on the train, and you have to periodically whack him with a rock to stun him. If he isn't stunned he'll try to act, and the engineer will fall over laughing and you'll all die. It'll probably take a few tries to get the hang of it, but a good guide is roughly three rocks to the engineer to every one to Keanu Reeves. Once you manage to save the train, Drizzle and Prell will wake up. Prell will announce that he dreamed Sandra Bullock was throwing rocks at the back of his head, gleefully destroying the fourth wall. You can probably fill in the rest. At any rate, eventually you will stagger into the town of Cornea. You can update your equipment here--you definitely want the Boring Glove for Prell, but Drizzle's Guarhammer can wait. Get Boring Armor for Drizzle and Snazzy Threads for Prell--around this point he stops being able to equip most of the heavier armors. Head to the pub and talk to everyone. Some of the people will buy you drinks. The idea is to get Drizzle plastered so he'll blubber out the entire plot to date to the bartender. The bartender will tell you it sounds like you've got a real bad case of needing to save the world on your hands, and will reccomend you head over to the Countrie Villa Downes Hero Retirement Village and pick up some helpful pointers. Then Drizzle will pass out in a comical fashion. Prell will pick him up by his ankles and drag him out. You'll now briefly be controlling Prell (with Drizzle in tow). Prell says he needs to get Drizzle to the inn, but before you go there's one thing you should do first. See how Drizzle's head bounces up off the ground when it hits something? Drag him into the house with the blue door. The man there is trying to build the World's Springiest Trampoline. There's also a chest half-hanging off a bookcase, taunting you. What you have to do is climb up the second, lower bookcase and walk to the end. Normally you'd just be given the option to jump on the trampoline, but if you try to get the chest that way you'll just push it back where you can't get to it. With Drizzle, though, you'll also have the option to dash off the bookcase. Do so. Drizzle should hit the trampoline, bounce up, and smack the chest with his face. This will knock it off on the other side of the bookcase. Open it for a Guarhammer. It's not that great a prize, but at least you saved 2800 Geep. Once you've done than, and have gotten your fill of seeing Drizzle's head whacking along the ground, head to the inn. You'll automatically stay the night. The next morning Drizzle will wonder why his head hurts so much, and Prell suggests that maybe Sandra Bullock was throwing rocks at it while he slept. Having gleefully destroyed the fourth wall for the second time, set out to the west. The Countrie Villa Downes Hero Retirement Village looks a lot like Costa del Schlock, except that it's facing the other direction. Go inside and you'll be greeted by recent inductee Clod Strophe. Drizzle explains his reason for coming, but Clod just laughs and says they can't save the world because they lack sufficiently spikey hair. Prell takes umbrage and insists that his hair is plenty spikey, thus ushering in yet another minigame. This one features Prell and Clod on a racecourse strewn with large, colorful balloons--the red ones are worth 10 points, the green ones 20, and the blue ones 40. The object is to pop them with Prell's hair spikes. You can move left and right with the directional buttons, sprint with the circle button, and jump with X. Clod does have a slight advantage due to his taller hair, but you shouldn't have too much trouble outscoring him. Once you win he'll let you through. You can replay the game at any time by talking to him again; later in the game he'll offer prizes for high scores, but for now just head inside. Wander around the main building, talking to the retired heroes. In the cafeteria you'll find the requisite people who remind you to equip your weapons and armor. They also do the whole tutorial thing (surely it's rather late in the game for that?), and there's also the Oldest RPG Hero. You can recognise him easily as the 8-bit sprite with only two animation frames. Talk to him. He'll rant for a while about "all this newfangled 'plot advancement' crap" and the proliferation of "namby- pamby androgynous nutcases," and "sissy angel-lookin' bosses," and then he'll fall asleep. A nurse will ask you to push his wheelchair over to the nursing ward. Do so. When you arrive in the ward, you'll overhear two people talking about the girl who washed up on the beach. The scene will go all swimmy for a moment and then you'll see Incognita's ship foundering--as is required of all RPG ships, it apparently had the seaworthiness of a refrigerator carton patched with spackle. The scene will return to the present and Drizzle and Prell will rush over to the next room. Sure enough, Incognita's there and she's out cold on a bed. Talk to the doctor and he'll ask you to go out and claim the Doodad of the Desert. DRIZZLE: The what? DOCTOR: It's a secretion of a creature called the MantisAntLion. It's very rare and has many mysterious qualities. PRELL: So...we're talking bug poo here? DOCTOR: Look, do you want your friend to get better or not? Yes, it's fetch quest time. Rest at the infirmary, save your game, make sure you have some potions to spare, and head up the beach to the cave. ==Tidal Caves== Items: Potion (3), HiPotion (2), Brain Lotion (2), First Aid Kit, Pirate Cloak, Doodad of the Desert There are two notable enemies here. The first is the Whelk, which takes forever to kill without magic. Since Drizzle doesn't have a lightning- based ability yet, it's probably best just to run for the time being. The second is the Mini-Squid, which tends to use an obnoxiously powerful attack when killed. You'll definitely need healing after a run-in with these things. From the entrance, head north two screens and check behind the rock formation for a First Aid Kit, an accessory that resists poison and blindness. Go back one screen and head east until you come to an intersection. There are two potions to the north, but they probably aren't worth it unless you're running low. Go south from the intersection and down the stairs. Here you'll bump into an old man squinting at fossils. The old man introduces himself as Fellah the Sage. Drizzle explains their fetch quest and Fellah offers to come along and help on condition that they'll help him in return. Fellah comes with some actual magic, notably a healing spell and Bolt 1 and 2, so things get easier. He also starts with one Arcane Text ability, Textbook, which puts enemies to sleep. Continue south to the 3-way intersection and go east for the Pirate Cloak, which raises defense and luck. Give it to Fellah. Go back to the 3-way intersection and go back north one screen. Head west and cross the chasm. (Is it just me or is this suspiciously large for a beach cave?) Go south and down the stairs to the sand pit. In the center of the room you'll find the Doodad of the Desert and will instantly be attacked by the MantisAntLion. This is not difficult since it is extremely small and runs away after one hit. Everyone will comment that that was much easier than expected. Try to leave and you will be attacked again by the MantisAntLionPrincess, which is very angry and takes up most of the screen. =Boss: MantisAntLionPrincess= HP: 3500 This is hard. Avoid straight physical attacks, because the MALP has an ugly counterattack that does up to 500 damage, which may well kill you if you aren't fully healed. Drizzle should use Frost, Prell should use Hobo Rush (or Pledge Drive, if you have some Brain Lotions to spare) and Fellah should heal and use Bolt. The MALP has about 3500 HP, so you'll be here for a while. Having vanquished the MALP, high tail it back to the infirmary. When you get there you'll discover Incognita is already up and about, causing Prell to hoist the doctor aloft by his suspenders. The doctor says he never claimed he needed the Doodad of the Desert to *cure* Incognita, he just wanted it for his collection. Drizzle and Incognita have a touching reunion as Prell drags the doctor outside and beats him senseless. YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY %%THE PARALLELOGRAM OF SAGES%% YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY The next day, over a breakfast of bran and orange juice, Fellah will explain that he is a member of the famous Parallelogram of Sages in the Kingdom of Barrons. The sages have sent him to investigate reports of a huge sea monster that has been sinking ships in the area. Incognita mentions the Devil Razor Death Squid of Doom she fought in Costa del Schlock and wonders if her own ship's sinking is related. Fellah says it sounds likely. He thinks the creature is the Levoctomastodon of legend, and that its lair is somewhere in the area. To test this theory he'd like to take a ship out to sea, towing a net full of bait, but everyone in the area seems to have figured out the Sailing=Death equasion and won't budge from port. The only hope, says he, is to head to Kashew, the capital of Barrons, and see if the King will grant him a ship manned by a suicidal crew. Kashew is far to the north, above the snow line, and before you get too far you'll run into our old friend, the broken bridge. Never fear, though, just head east to the mountains and enter the pass. ==Glacial Pass== Items: Thermal Underwear (2), Potion (2), Ignited Feather (2), Hammer, Tent Peg, Snow Shoes, Pup Tent, Fancy Knicknack This is your typical snowy mountain-type area with a few nasty surprises thrown in. Some of the enemies can use some fairly high-level ice attacks, the Snow Birds in particular. They're the ones with the Bermuda shorts and the pale, pasty legs. You should probably run if you meet any, but have Drizzle Suction the Ice Scraper ability first. Anyway, head north from the entrance until you run into a chasm, then follow it west to a cave. Take the chest with the Thermal Underwear; it's an accessory that halves cold damage. Give it to Incognita. Go through the east door, which slams shut behind you. There's a treasure chest at the top of the room, but it's blocked by a large, annoying sliding rock puzzle. To save your scalp some unnecessary wear and tear, look at this map. +------------------------------+ | Chest X X X | | XXX X1 | | D C 23 4 | | X B A X 56 | | X 9 7 8 | +------------------------+ | Enter | -------------------------------+ The X's are rocks that don't move. If you mess up, step on the reset switch in the corner. To solve the first part, push 8 left twice, 6 up once, 5 left twice, 3 up once, and two left once. For the second part, push nine left once, A up once, B left once, and D left twice. When you open the chest, the door will open again, and you'll get an ordinary wooden tent peg. This prompts the following exchange: PRELL: What!? What kind of *%&*^ing freak would go to all this trouble for a @^(*&ing tent peg? FELLAH: A very avid camper? Leave the room and take the north exit, which will deposit you on the other side of the chasm. There's a potion and an Ignited Feather hiding behind the big rock. Work your way east until you can go north again. Do so, take the set of Thermal Underwear and the Fancy Knicknack, and go back south. Keep going east until you reach a second chasm, this one spanned by a rope bridge. DO NOT STEP ON THE ROPE BRIDGE. If you do, it will break, and you'll have to fight your way out of a large, annoying, treasureless icicle maze packed with Snow Birds and Bowler Pears (I'm telling you, someone was smoking something in key design phases of this game). Instead of plunging to the bottom of the glacier, go south to the icicle grove. There's a save point here, so make use of it, then try to talk to the snowman at the top of the screen. It will attack. The snowman isn't too difficult. Its most powerful attack, Carrot Peck, only takes off about 150 HP. Don't waste your MP. After a while, though, the snowman cracks apart and turns into Shiela, the Queen of Colds and Sniffles. Unload all your fire-elemental attacks now, because once she starts using her big attacks you won't be able to heal all the damage in one turn. When you win, you'll get a Pup Tent, plus the Shiela Summon ability. Equip Fellah with Sheila, since he has no Ice attacks at the moment. After the fight, Incognita will sink to her knees. Shiela tells her that the Ancient Mysterious Race was ancient and mysterious. She also says that, as the presumed last of the race, Incognita must take it upon herself to "shrive the Pants of the World. Unless I'm thinking of one of those other ancient mysterious races." Incognita mutters something that Prell insists sounded like "My mother was not a lawn ornament," wonders who Sandra Bullock is, and then snaps out of it. Once you have control again, check the area where the snowman was for the Hammer, then use the Pup Tent and save. Go back to the rope bridge and, without stepping on it, check the support posts. Drizzle will use the Hammer and Tent Peg to secure a loose rope, thus making it safe to cross. You lose the Tent Peg, but note that the Hammer remains in your Special Items section. Cross the bridge and follow the path, picking up the other potion and Ignited Feather on the way. You'll come to another save point in a clearing. Use it, then move on to the next screen, where you'll discover an Imperial camp. General Gumballz, another top man in the Empire, is there, along with Scarletina from the Irresponsible Weapons Development Department. (It must be well below freezing, and the snow at least several inches thick, yet still she's wearing a cocktail dress and stiletto heels). They're here testing a new cold-weather combat unit, the BRRR (Below-zero Reconaissance & Recapture Robot). Gumballz is concerned that testing so close to the Barrons border may be unwise, but Scarletina just laughs and says they'll never know what hit them. She says she's satisfied with the BRRR, so Gumballz leaves to report while Scarletina runs a few final tests. Equip any Sunblocks you have lying around, then try to sneak away quietly. At this point Drizzle will step on the inevitable dry twig, and the party will be discovered. =Boss: BRRR Mk. 1 and Scarletina= Scarletina: 600 HP BRRR Mk. 1: 3000/4000 HP Scarletina's carrying some kind of heavy firearm, which she uses liberally. Fortunately, if you whack her a few times she'll drop it and dash behind the BRRR. You won't be able to target her after that, but she still participates in the fight by periodically dashing forward to burn you with her long-filtered cigarette or flick ashes in your face. The burns are minor annoyances, but the ashes can blind you. As for the BRRR, it's strong but slow. Physical attacks won't do much, so use Quetzovercoatl or any other lightning-based attacks you have. If you didn't get Flame Belch from the train sequence, Suction it now, then use it. This is a rare case of something being vulnerable to the same element it attacks with. The BRRR has about 7000 HP, but when you get it down to about 4000 its armor blows off and it becomes much easier to damage. After the fight, Scarletina will yell at you for destroying months of work. She then recognizes Drizzle and Prell from an APB posted after the Don Retino incident and sprints away at an impossible speed, given the snow, heels, and dress. Continue down the mountain to the exit, then head north along the coast until you reach Kashew. ==Kashew== Kashew is laid out like a paralellogram, with the castle in the upper left corner. There are no new weapons available here, but you can buy Cubic Zirconia Armor and Catchy Slogan T-Shirts for Drizzle and Prell, respectively. If you can afford the 29000 Geep price tag, you might want to pick up the Gold Armor. It's worthless as a defensive item, and it halves your speed if you equip it, but it comes in handy later. Once you've taken care of any commercial needs you have, head to the upper right corner of town and talk to the man in the green waistcoat. Tell him "The Oyster owns a Fine Wristwatch." He will step aside, allowing you to enter a complex and annoying hedge maze, at the center of which the Paralellogram of Sages is having its annual outdoor picknick. Fellah will explain the situation to the Sage of Sages, who will give you an orange for no apparent reason. Then he will tell you to go see the king and present your petition for a ship. If you keep talking to the Sage of Sages, he'll give you an old sock, a sardine, three chestnuts, a roll of wallpaper, a scarf, and a stuffed marmot. There's no point in doing this, since none of these items have any effect at any point in the game, but the Sage of Sage does at least say funny things. (The orange does have a use, but not for a very long time.) So, head to the castle. Everyone there is talking about what a tomboy the Princess Ovaltine is, so three guesses who'll be joining your party next. Before that, though, go talk to the king. Fellah will read his petition, and the king will agree to lend you a ship manned by severely depressed people with terminal illnesses. DRIZZLE: Something about that doesn't sound right. INCOGNITA: Are we even going to make it out of the harbor? As you leave, Ovaltine will sneak out from behind a tapestry and follow you at a discrete distance. Head to the inn, where the king has kindly paid for your lodging before you go off to certain death. While your party sleeps, the scene cuts to the Emperor Paramour's throne room. He's there with his four top generals. Kafka and Gumballz you've met; the other two are Sorceress Iodine and Marquis Elmo. Gumballz will report that Scarletina is ready to go into mass production with the BRRRs, and that soon they will be ready to invade Barrons. Iodine says that the Empire has a strong hold on the Kingdom of Sloth, and that Queen Sloth is working well as a puppet ruler. Kafka will report that the Jenufa project is proceeding according to schedule, and finally Elmo will ask to present the Empire's newest lieutennant. He leaves the room and returns with...[SUSPENSEFUL CHORDS]...Seiferoth. Admit it. You saw it coming. After the meeting, the generals will disperse. Kafka pokes Elmo in the stomach as he leaves, causing him to giggle spastically. Elmo and Iodine leave together, and the following dialogue ensues: ELMO: I really hate that freak. Whose bright idea was it to put him in charge of the Jenufa project, anyway? IODINE: Afraid he'll find out too much about it? ELMO: Damn skippy. He's weird enough as it is now. I wish HoJo never found that floating freakshow. IODINE: Watch who you say that to. It doesn't do to criticize the Emperor's pet projects. Remember what happened to General Snelling. ELMO: Who? IODINE: The big red stain at the bottom of the stairs. After a quick wipe to a shot of Kafka looking all creepy and mentally imbalanced, the screen will fade, and it's on to... ==The H.M.S. Trepid== Items: Sextant, Pirate Patch, Potion (2), "Naughty Adventures of Captain Tammy" The next morning, you'll show up at the docks and board the HMS Trepid. You can wander around at will, but don't talk to the guy at the wheel until you've done all you want to. In the Captain's cabin there's a chest with a Sextant. Take it to the sailor by the gangplank on the dock. He'll say that he's lost his gear and offer you something if you'll give the Sextant to him. It has no other use, so do it. You'll get a Pirate Patch in return. It's an accessory that raises strength and stamina, but no one you have right now can equip it. If you go down to the hold and search the sailors' bunks, you can find two potions and "The Naughty Adventures of Captain Tammy," which will prompt some amusing responses, from Prell in particular. When you've done that, go to the rear cabin and save your game. Now go talk to the helmsman at the wheel, and it's time for another minigame. Kashew is above the frost line, so the harbor is littered with chunks of ice. As mentioned, the crew is depressed and terminally ill. One of the sailors will run up and seize the wheel, attempting to steer the ship into an iceburg. The object is, obviously, not to smash into the iceburgs and die. The sailor will be on the right side of the wheel and Drizzle on the left; press Circle repeatedly to push the wheel toward the sailor and Square repeatedly to pull it toward Drizzle. The compass in the upper left tells you what direction you're facing, and the power meter in the upper right shows you how hard the sailor is pushing or pulling. When you make it out of the harbor, you will have control of the ship. You'll get a brief tutorial and everything. There's not much point to any of this, since the instant you move the sea will split asunder and you'll be attacked by the Levoctomastodon. =Boss: Levoctomastodon= HP: ??? I don't think it's actually possible to win this fight. Levoctomastodon has nine attacks per round (the head plus 8 arms), and even your most powerful attacks won't do much damage. What you have to do is survive for about five or six minutes, and then the suicidal sailor will pilot the ship into it, such that the big pointy figurehead pierces its brain and it dies. After that little anticlimax you'll see a really cool FMV of the Levoctomastodon's death. The HMS Trepid, being an RPG ship, of course does not survive the experience. Drizzle and Prell will lash a raft together, and then a barrel with a damp, angry stowaway princess will float past. It turns out Ovaltine smuggled herself on board with the intent of getting away from her overprotective father. Drizzle will fish her out, and then everyone will have the requisite "Gosh, we're gonna die" deep philosophical discussion. The next day, Bart and Ferris will pull up in their new ship and offer them a lift. (They STILL won't join you yet, though.) In point of fact, it's not really a ship but a converted garbage scow. This is fortunate, since that makes it immune to the tendency of RPG ships to sink. Once on board, Incognita will introduce everyone. Ferris will snag her shirt on an anchor and it will be revealed that she's actually a man disguised as a woman disguised as a man to get respect in the pirating business. Anyway, you'll start sailing back towards Kashew. When you pull into the harbor, though, surprise of surprises, the Empire has already started to attack it. A large portion of the town is on fire, and some hastily-assembled BRRRs are stalking around in the streets. Ovaltine, like a good brash impulsive princess, will dash off to help her father. You'll now have to pick three characters to run after her. Actually, two; Drizzle is compulsory. I'd reccomend taking Prell and Fellah. Bart, Ferris, and the character you didn't pick will stay behind to guard the scow. Head right from the harbor. You'll randomly run into Imperial troops here. They're annoying, but nothing special. Try to avoid running into the BRRRs, though; they're much easier than the one you fought on the mountain, but they're still an unnecessary drain. Head up to the castle gates, where you'll find Ovaltine holding off four Imperial troops. Drizzle and the others will automatically run up and join the fight. It's an ordinary battle, so don't waste too much MP. When you win, Ovaltine will thank you and ask you to come with her. If you say no, she'll whack you on the head with her scepter and ask again until you say yes. She'll now join your party. Ovaltine is pretty good. She starts off with some attack- and defense- boosting spells in her "Royal Secret" ability list, along with the incredibly useful Tax Hike ability, which boosts the amount of gold you win at the end of battles. She's also the only character who can use two kinds of weapons: scepters, which boost her magic but are very weak, and bows, which are fairly strong physically but have no special properties. She starts off with a scepter, the Pointy Stick, but you can find a Plunger Bow in the castle. Since she doesn't start with any attack spells, her magic power is sort of irrelevant at the moment--I'd recommend going with bows for the time being. Head up through the gate. ==Kashew Castle== Items: Potion (3), Neato Potion, Phoenix Feather, Brain Lotion (2), Royal Dressing Gown, Plunger Bow, Pup Tent In the room to the left, you'll find two potions and a Phoenix Feather. Once you have those, continue up the central hallway and head up the stairs. On the second floor you'll have to avoid more BRRRs; if you have plenty of restorative items and need the experience, go ahead and fight them. Take the first right and follow the path. Be sure to get the chest with the Neato Potion behind the potted plant. The path branches here. Go left to climb a tower to Ovaltine's room, where you can pick up her Plunger Bow and Royal Dressing Gown. Both of these are better than her current equipment. Head back down the tower and then go right. The stairs in the alcove lead down to a small room with a Pup Tent and a Brain Lotion. Get those, then continue right until you reach a four way interesection. You can go down for a Potion and a Brain Lotion, then retrace your steps and go left. There's a save point here, so use your Pup Tent if you need to and save your game. Then go back to the intersection again and head up the stairs. And who should you find waiting for you but Seiferoth. Drizzle will demand to know if he's been working for the Empire, but Seiferoth won't say anything. After an unnecesarily dramatic pause, he'll say "We have unfinished business. Prepare to DANCE!" You will now experience the first of this game's annoying Morris Dancing segments. The screen will black out for a minute, and Moog will pop up to explain the controls. Each of the Circle, Square, Triangle, X, R1, R2, L1, L2, and Select buttons corresponds to a particular movement, which you will see listed on the screen. The idea is to keep up with your competitor, in this case Seiferoth. It's like the mimicking game in Norstein Bekkler's Lab from Chrono Trigger gone horribly awry. I've been assured it is actually possible to beat Seiferoth, but you'll probably have to practice for hours, and since all you get (I'm told) is a Neato Potion, it's really not worth it. Just take your beating, and move on to the throne room. There you'll find General Gumballz waiting with a new version of the BRRR. =Boss: Gumballz and BRRR Mk 2= Gumballz: 1800 HP BRRR Mk 2: 3000/5500/2000 HP The BRRR Mk. 2 is a souped up version of the thing you fought on the mountain, and the same strategies apply. For the moment, though, Gumballz is a far more serious threat. He can paralyse members of your party and has some nasty group attacks. He only has about 1800 HP, though, so take him out as quickly as possible. Make sure you make full use of Ovaltine's stat-boosting spells; they'll make things a lot easier. Like Scarletina, Gumballz will retreat behind the BRRR when you defeat him, but he won't fight any more. Now concentrate on the BRRR. It has about 8500 HP; like the first BRRR, its armor will blow off after about 3000 damage. However, when you defeat it, Gumballz will climb into it and start piloting it manually. It has only one attack now, called "How the Hell Do You Pilot This Thing!?" which causes the BRRR to stampede around the screen. It does a lot of damage to everyone, including Gumballz himself, fortunately. If you're in bad shape, you can concentrate on healing, and eventually he'll defeat himself. It's best if you help him along, though. After the fight, Gumballz will tell you that you're too late and that he already has the king, then make his escape. Ovaltine will start crying. Prell tells her about the resistance movement his aunt is heading, and suggests that they might be able to help her if she comes along. She'll agree, the screen will fade, and you'll be back at the inn. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU %%HOMEWARD BOUND%% UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Now that the Levoctomastodon is gone, sea travel is once again safe. Before you leave, you can talk to the Sage of Sages to recieve a Coonskin Cap, a helmet that improves accuracy. Give it to Ovaltine, if she's using bows. Buy whatever you need to, because once you leave Kashew you won't be able to return for a long time. Once you've done that, head to the harbor and board Bart and Ferris's barge, the Jolly Nesbitt. They'll automatically set sail for Carmenmiranda. When you arrive, you will be denied docking priveleges due to increased security after the wombat incident. Bart will anchor the barge in the shallows upstream. Here you'll have to split your party. Actually it'll be split for you: Drizzle, Prell, and Fellah will take Ovaltine to Naugahyde while Incognita, Bart and Ferris will stay in Carmendiranda to sort out the ship problem. You'll have a choice of which scenario you want to play first—-you can do them in whichever order you choose. INCOGNITA'S SCENARIO ==Carmenmiranda== Items: Robe Design Specs, Train Ticket, Lucky Pincushion, Broken Pocketwatch, Grand Pooh-Bah Robe, Reccomendation Letters (3), Docking Pass, Hedgehog Whistle If you check your staus screen, you'll notice that Bart and Ferris have special abilities now. Ferris's is called Roulette—it uses no MP, but the results are unpredictable. Bart's is called Combat Skill; he starts off with the Sonic Whip skill (6 MP), which does about 150% of the damage of his normal attack. Anyway, when you're through scrutinizing your new party members, head north and enter Carmeniranda. The first thing you should do is head to the weapon shop and update Bart's and Ferris's gear, since they have the same stuff they did in Swanky Woods. Then go north to the Permits and Licensing Bureau. Talk to the clerk. He will tell you that you must be sponsored by three respectable individuals in order to get a docking permit. This begins the Fetch Quest From Hell. (That's the actual section title that appears on the memory card when you save here.) Your first stop is the Grande Hotel, where you'll find the Grand Poo-Bah of the Fraternal Order of Wombats in the piano bar. He's in a bad mood and won't want to talk to you, but if you keep buying him drinks he'll eventually let it slip that his robes have been stolen and his lodge left without him. He'll sponsor you if you can get him some new robes and a train ticket to Kashew. (I guess his wallet was in the robes Drizzle stole. So where's the money, huh? That's what I'd like to know.) He'll give you the Robe Design Specs and go back to getting plastered. You first stop in the dress shop near the south gate. Give the Design Specs to the seamstress. She'll agreee to make the robes if you can find her lucky pincushion. Now walk around town and ask people about the pincushion until one of them mentions seeing a hedgehog with a pincushion leaving town the other day. I wish I could be more specific, but the person who gives you the info seems to be random. Once you know about the hedgehog, you can go to the item shop and buy a Hedgehog Whistle for 1800 Geep. Save your game, then leave town and use the whistle (on the Key Items screen). You will be attacked by the Lovesick Hedgehog. =Boss: Lovesick Hedgehog= HP: 4000 Not too tough. Have Incognita heal and use Hotseat. Bart should use Sonic Whip. Ferris can use Roulette, but at this point his luck is probably so low you're more likely to hurt yourself than the enemy. If so, have him heal with items instead. Just DO NOT use straight physical attacks. If you do, the Lovesick Hedgehog will use its 1,000 Bristles counter. It should go down fairly quickly. You'll get the Lucky Pincushion when you win. Return to the seamstress, then go to the train station on the east side of town. There's a huge line, and tickets are almost sold out, so Incognita will decide to sneak to the front by hiding behind a huge, lumbering conductor. It's minigame time again. Each of the conductor's movements has a corresponding button—when you see a button on the screen, press it quickly on the controller. If you wait too long or get out of synch, he'll turn around and throw you out. Assuming you manage to get to the front by mimicking him, he'll drop a Broken Pocketwatch, an accessory that prevents Slow and Stop (but also Haste). If you fail three times, you'll lose your chance and wil have to pay a scalper 9000 Geep for a ticket. Now go back to the seamstress's shop. You can now buy the G. Pooh-Bah Robe for 4000 Geep. If you can afford it, buy two, since it makes good armor for Fellah. Return to the hotel bar and give the Pooh-Bah the robe and the ticket. He'll give you the Reccomendation Letter 1. It's not immediately ovbvious what you have to do next. Walk up to the piano and examine it. Incognita will play a few notes, and immediately Don Retina, swathed in bandages, will burst into the room and exclaim, "Wow! What a hottie!" He'll introduce himself, and Incognita will ask about getting a sponsorship. Don Retina will offer to write her a letter if she'll bring a couple of pretty friends to his room that evening. Bart and Ferris will quickly restrain her as she lunges for his throat. Don Retina mistakes her lunge a a sign of unrestraied passion and toddles off, rubbing his hands together. Bart will then wonder where she'll find a couple of pretty friends. Incognita and Ferris will stare meaningfully at him, then drag him by the ankles, kicking and screaming, to the seamstress. That evening, Incognita, Ferris in drag (possibly), and an extremely reluctant Bart (definitely in drag) will walk into the lobby and will be greeted by an ecstatic Don Retina. He'll lead them up to his room. Incognita will insist on getting the letter first; the Don will hand it over, do a quick eeny-meeny-miny-mo, and drag Bart inside. While Incognita and Ferris are debating over whether or not to help him, the music will change to a creepy organ tune with a percussion line that sounds suspicously like the stomp-and-clap part of "We Will Rock You." A voice from inside will say "Hands off, creep," and the Don will burst through the door (horizontally) and land in a crumpled heap against the wall. A silver-haired man (not Seiferoth) will emerge and stare at you. INCOGNITA: ...You're not Bart. MAN: No. I am Cujo, president of the Androgynous Bishonen Nutcase Union Local #734-B2. FERRIS: Isn't there a book called— CUJO: No. FERRIS: But I'm pretty sure that— CUJO: No! FERRIS: Something about a dog— CUJO: JUST DROP IT! Incognita will ask him if she can get the third letter from him. Cujo will agree, on the condition that they retrieve the Stone of Scone from a tribe of albino pygmy anthropomophic lobsters, who have stolen it to use as a drinks coaster. He'll basically say that that's a totally inappropriate use for an ancient mysterious artifact meant to be used for, you know, stuff. Ancient stuff, unrelated to beverage consumption. He will then depart mysteriously. This, by the way, is a wonderful example of plot-induced oblivousness to an obvious villain on Incognita's part. It isn't particularly helped when Bart staggers out into the hall, wig askew, and says... BART: Weird. His eyes were almost souless, as though he were hatching a deviant and nefarious plot into which we are being inextricably drawn. INCOGNITA: Dammit, stop expositing! You're nearly through here, mercifully. Stay at the inn if you need it, save your game, leave town, and go to the marshes near the beach. ==Lobster Marsh== Items: Lobster Token (3), Stone of Scone, General Staff, Fancy Knicknack The lobster tribe lives not far from the start of the marshes, but you'll find the entrance guarded by a very large lobster named Bruno, who speaks entirely in cryptic hints. Here are the things he says, and what you have to do: 1) "The moles are in need of aspirin." For this one, head south of Bruno one screen and keep following the upper-right path until some rodent-looking thing (a mole, presumably) jumps out at you and steals Bart's hat. He'll charge off after it, leaving just Incognita and Ferris. Jump over the lilly pads; on the last one, you'll be attacked by another Big Giant Plant That Eats Stuff. You should be a lot stronger than you were the first time you fought it, but you also have one less person. Ferris should just attack. Incognita should have Great Balls O' Fire by now; one shot should severely weaken the BGPTES, so don't waste your MP after the initial blast. After you win, continue up to a clearing, where Bart is standing, surrounded by molehills, wondering which one of the little bastards has his hat. You'll now be controlling Bart. Note the tunnels running under the ground, and the bulges at the intersections. If you watch carefully, you can trace the moles' movement through the tunnels. If you jump on one of the intersections (stand on it and press X), the mole will go caroming around underground. By choosing the correct intersections to jump on, you can cause the moles to come shooting out of the hollow log in the upper left. You can then chase it and press X again to make Bart catch it and punt it headfirst into a tree trunk. The last one you catch will be the one with Bart's hat, and it will also have a Lobster Token. Take the Lobster Token back to Bruno, who will now say... 2) "Daisy Loves Unexpected Lollipops. Lloyd Understands Really Dumb Ducks, Right? Unfortunately, Ronald Upset Lita." Aaaaaah! This one is pure evil. Write down the capital letters. It's not *too* hard to figure out that the initial letters stand for the directions you need to travel in one of those stupid repeating- room puzzles, but the trick is figuring out where to start. You need to head left from Bruno and travel vaguely left and up until you find a screen where a mole pops up and pelts you--unexpectedly, no doubt-- with a lollipop. NOW follow Bruno's hint. When you take the last left, you'll find a lobster who'll give you another Lobster Token and the General Staff, an excellent weapon for Incognita. (But believe me, it doesn't begin to make up for this.) Now to get OUT again, you have to do the opposite--that is, go up where the hint says down and vice versa. If you screw up, of course, you'll end up back at the lollipop or lobster screen, depending on whether you're trying to go in or out, and will have to start over again. At this point I'd reccomend exciting the swamp, saving the game, and waiting for any throbbing veins you may have in your forehead to calm down before resuming. Go back to Bruno, blah blah blah... 3) "The viscous bottlecaps of June have swathed the veldt in ochre." I have no idea what this means. Presumably there is yet another miniquest, but if you keep talking to Bruno he will eventually give you the option of getting another hint (for 15,000,000 Geep). Continue talking to him until you are given the option to punch him. Choose it, and Incognita will belt him right in the kisser. (Or whatever it is that lobsters have.) Bruno will drop the third and final Lobster Token. Talk to him once more and he will take the Lobster Tokens and allow you to pass. The lobster tribe village has an inn and a weapon/item shop, so rest up and buy anything you need. The Stoned Sword is good for Ferris, and will occasionally put enemies to sleep, and the Stinkweed Whip for Bart is also good. Save at the save point, then go to the big hut in the center of the village, where the chief and his assistants are taking turns placing iced beverages on the Stone of Scone. Talk to the chief. Incognita will ask if she can have the stone back, and he will say that she may take it if she can travel across the Seashore of Pronounced Unpleasantness and defeat Rex the Giant Abalone. Incognita will lose it completely and attack the chief. =Boss: Lobster Chief (& Two Lobster Guards)= Lobster Guard A: 900 HP Lobster Guard B: 1000 HP Lobster Chief: 6500 HP Incognita will fight the first three or four minutes of this one alone. Start off with a Quetzovercoatl summon to get rid of the guards, then use the highest-level lightning spells you've learned, healing when necessary. The Lobster Chief can use some powerful water and fire spells, so be careful. When Bart and Ferris show up, have Bart use Sonic Whip and Ferris attack. Incognita will probably be your main attacking force, so heal with items when possible. Use a Brain Lotion if her MP gets too low. When you win, you'll get a Rigged Wheel A, an accessory for Ferris that makes Roulette a bit safer to use. The lobster chief will congratulate you for your fortitude and surrender the Stone of Scone. He will also give you a Pitcher of Mai Tais (raises max HP 15 points) and the Efeete summon ability. You can now return to Carmenmiranda and take the Stone to Cujo in the Grande Hotel lobby. He will give you the third and final reccomendation letter. Take the three letters back to the clerk, who will finally give you a Docking Pass. Incognita will dance a little jig of triumph and then collapse with exhaustion. DRIZZLE'S SCENARIO ==Nauguahyde Revisited== From Carmenmiranda, it's a looooong walk south to Naugahyde. Follow the train tracks until you come to a maintenance shed. Inside, you'll find Reginald the Bum, who will offer to sell you some basic supplies. He'll also offer to teach you to jump on a moving train if you'll pay him 7000 Geep. Kinda steep, and you can always walk, but if you're lazy enough it might be worthwhile. Be warned, though, that this is basically a reprise of the trainhopping segment with Gale, and it hasn't gotten any less annoying. However you manage to get to Naugahyde, when you arrive you'll discover that the whole place is postively swarming with Imperial troops. In order to make it to Gale's house you'll have to go through a series of little questlets. Try to head north and a soldier will block your path. Drizzle will propose that they arrange some sort of distraction. Prell is for setting the soldier on fire, but the others realize that that might not be the wisest course of action. Instead, go inside the house directly above the entrance and talk to the kid on the sofa. He'll say that you can borrow his skateboard, since he sprained his ankle. (Only in an RPG would people offer to loan their possessions to a clot of total strangers who blundered into their houses uninvited ...) Now head to the inn and grab the bowl of lukewarm sauerkraut and the two bags of cough drops sitting on the table. Go outside and talk to the woman standing by the lamp post. She'll give you a ball of twine in exchange for the cough drops. Go back to the entrance and you'll find a cat sleeping in the middle of the street. Examine it and Fellah will get an idea. Go back to the place where the soldier blocks the road. Fellah will tie the cat onto the skateboard with the twine, then upend the bowl of sauerkraut on its head. It will wake up and start yowling. Drizzle will then kick the skateboard so that the yowling, sauerkraut-covered cat goes whizzing past the soldier. He will run after it to investigate, leaving you free to pass. The next soldier you come across will be in a surly mood and will attack you if you try to talk to him. It's not a hard fight, but it doesn't accomplish anything, since he'll still be there after you win. Go to the pub and talk to the off-duty officer. He'll tell you he's always wanted to try the famous Naugahyde Slurpee, but the pub owner won't make one for him. Talk to the pub owner, who'll offer to give you a packet of Slurpee Mix if you can find his cat. (Prell's reaction upon discovering that his favorite drink comes in powdered form is priceless.) So go back to where you did the cat/skateboard thing and head up and right. You'll be able to see the cat, still covered with sauerkraut, in an alley, but the way will be blocked by Reginald the Bum. Talk to him, and he'll offer to sell you a bottle of tequila for 5000 Geep. You have to buy it to get him to move, and you need it anyway, so pay up. When you get close to the cat, it'll run away from you. I can't say I blame it. After a few near misses, Ovaltine will suggest that you split up to catch it. This starts a sort of tactical- RPG-like minigame, in which Drizzle is the cat catcher and the other three play supporting roles. You can switch between characters with the square button. Prell can place boxes and barrels to trap the cat, Fellah can frighten it with his magic (up or down), and Ovaltine can use her winsome girlish charm to lure it closer to her (left or right). The cat will always move away from Drizzle unless it has no other choice. The easiest way to win is to use Prell to build a "C" out of barrels, like so: XXX X XXX Then it's fairly simple to use Fellah and Ovaltine to lure the cat into the "C" so it can't escape from Drizzle. Now that you have the cat, go back to the pub and give it back to its owner. Prell will mix the Slurpee Mix with the tequila and serve it to the officer. Once he passes out, talk to him to steal his clothes, then head back to the surly soldier. He'll now let you through. I'm not sure why, because no one seems to put the officer's uniform *on*. Perhaps someone in the coding department got lazy. Or perhaps they felt no disguise could possibly compete with Bart in a dress and didn't even bother. At any rate, the third and final soldier you have to get past will agree to let you through if you loan him a cigarette. Go back to the pub and talk to the owner. He'll give you a cigarette if you bring him a spinning bow tie. Go back to the kid who loaned you the skateboard; he wants a 1/8 Scale Queen Apathy Action Figure. Now go to the southwest corner of town and talk to the old woman on the park bench. She will ask for a can of tennis balls. Go to the item shop and talk to the man with the enormous mustache. He will give you a can of tennis balls in exchange for your other bag of cough drops. Now repeat this whole stupid sequence in reverse, and you'll finally be able to enter Gale and Prell's house. Before you enter, if Fellah is equipped with a summon, remove it and give it to Drizzle. Inside, of course, Gale is being menaced by Imperial soldiers, who suspect her of fomenting rebellion, possibly because she apparently printed and personally distributed 8,000 leaflets calling the soldiers in question sons of scrofulous goatherds the other day. Prell will charge in to help, and you will have to fight three soldiers with just him. Easy. Once that's over with, Gale will thank you for conveniently showing up just in the nick of time wonder what took you so long to return. Drizzle and Prell will explain the events since the train mishap. This is covered in a quick fade-out/fade-in, mercifully; there's not much point in recapping the plot, since you just played through it. Gale will vow to aid Ovaltine in whatever way she can, citing Barrons as a valuable potential ally. Gale will then tell you to get some rest. The next morning, she'll tell you she's learned the location of a secret Imperial factory located in the Naugahyde desert. Fellah will be gone, however, so go outside and look around. You can find him near the pub, wearing a truly garish outfit and sitting behind an impromptu stand a la Lucy van Pelt. There's a sign proclaiming him to be The Sage of Love and a long line of soldiers queued up to speak with him. Walk up and talk to him (you naughty line-cutter) and he'll explain that he's been pumping the troops for information. If you talk to him a second time, he'll wonder if you have a question of a professional nature. Drizzle will stammer like an idiot, turn a violent shade of red, and emit little steam clouds until you enter a building. There's no point in doing this, but it is extremely funny. Take care of anything else you need to, then talk to Gale again. She says that you (and she) are going to sabotage the factory that night. She will then join your party. As you can probably tell from the fact that her gear can't be changed, she won't be with you permanantly. Her special, Jolt, is a lightning attack that can be directed against one or several enemies. You'll need lightning based attacks a lot soon enough, so the temporary loss of Fellah isn't too bad, especially since Jolt costs no MP to use. You can equip her with a summon if you want, but there's not much point--by the time she learns anything, she'll be out of the party. ==Naugahyde Production Facility== Items: Potion (3), Brain Lotion, 50 Geep, Vexed Bow, Bubble Blade, Weasel Fang Leave town and head back into the desert. All those moving patches of sand will have mysteriously stopped, allowing you to head north from the entrance until you reach a large, metal structure. Go around to the supply entrance. It's guarded by BRRRs, but they don't function so well in the desert heat, and one Jolt should take them out. Sneak in and take the door immediately to your left. Grab the Neato Potion and the Brain Lotion and exit. Head down the corridor and go right to the big room with lots of conveyor belts and machines stamping out BRRR parts. You'll have to ride the belts around the room, since there are big pits in the floor for no reason--how in the world do Imperial staff get around in this place? There are a bunch of treasure chests scattered around the room, but none of them have anything remotely worth the effort involved in getting to them, especially since the BRRRs you can encounter are accompanied by Frost Bots that keep them working properly. Drizzle can Suction the Ice Scraper ability from them, though, so be sure to pick it up if you don't already have it. Your goal in this room is the upper left corner, so work your way up there and head into the next area of the facility, where the Empire produces its best-selling soft drink, Soylent Yello. Thread your way through the works, making sure to pick up the Bubbleblade for Drizzle that's hiding behind the second filling station and the Vexed Bow behind the bottle cap applicator. When you reach the door to the next area, Prell will announce that he's thirsty and snag a can of Soylent Yello off the production line. GALE: Wait! DRIZZLE: Soylent Yello is... [Prell takes a swig and immediately spits it out] PRELL: PEOPLE?! DRIZZLE: ...no, really high in caffeine. GALE: You're hyped up enough already, dear. Besides, you know how small your bladder is. We're not making a potty stop until after we've destroyed the base. Continue through the door and ascend the circular stairs. This will take you to an observation area high above the BRRR production area. Take the catwalk on the left side of the screen to find the Brass Knuckles for Prell, then return and head up until you find a locked door. It's a combination lock, but if you turn and examine the grafitti on the wall, you'll find that some forgetful employee has scribbled the a combination down. Drizzle will punch in the code, and immediately sirens will start going off. A recording of Scarletina will play, saying, "What kind of idiot are you? The key to the door is *never* this close, stupid." The door will open, and a stream of troops will pour out. The party will flee, and Drizzle will seize a loose piece of tubing and swing across to another catwalk. Run up through the door into the R&D area, where you'll find Dr. Loogie rummaging around inside the torso of a BRRR. He'll extract himself and yell for security. A red-cloaked figure with six arms (all on the left side of his body...) will drop out of the cieling, where he no doubt always conveniently waits in the rafters, and pose dramatically. DR. LOOGIE: Zis is Gilgamess, ja? I made him myself, you know. Now, show zem how to pugilism! =Boss: Gilgamess and Inkidinkidoo= Inkidinkidoo: 6500 HP Gilgamess: ??? Inkidinkidoo is the real threat here. Gilgamess's attacks hit everyone, but they're extremely weak. Inkidinkidoo, on the other hand, packs a real punch. He also absorbs lightning, so avoid Jolt and have Gale attack normally. Drizzle should use the Ice Scraper ability he should have picked up; Ovaltine should use Muster and Fortification to boost the party's stats, then heal when needed; and Prell should use the strongest attacks he has. Inkidinkidoo should go down in about six or seven turns. Nothing you do will damage Gilgamess until Inkidinkidoo is defeated, so don't bother. Once Inkidinkidoo is down, a single hit will cause him to yelp in terror and flee. He'll drop the Weasel Fang, which you can use on Drizzle to learn your first Limit, Not Much Braver. After you win, Dr. Loogie will curse you at length and trigger the self-destruct mechanism, which causes carbonation in the Soylent Yello system to build uncontrollably. He'll hop in the BRRR he was working on and blast through the cieling. You'll have fifteen minutes to make it out of the facility before it goes sky-high in a mushroom cloud of Nutrasweet, so hustle. The conveyor belts will have stopped moving, which does make things considerably easier. Head back to Naugahyde and spend the night at Gale's house. REUNION Once both scenarios are finished, Incognita's party will travel to Naugahyde and meet up with the others. Immediately, Scarletina will burst onto the scene, accompanied by her three flunkies, Trent, Marilyn, and Alice, and a slew of soldiers. Gale will wonder if perhaps they should have been a bit stealthier when destroying the factory. SCARLETINA: Yeah, hindsight's always 20/20, ain't it? You're comining with us, your Majesty! We'll see how well your little rebellion fares without a leader. No one has ever escaped from our top-secret incarceration facility, hidden in the desert approximately 13 miles southeast of the capital, Vertex! Ha ha ha! INCOGNITA: Geeze, she's worse than Bart. Scarletina will then take Gale and depart with her soldiers, inexplicably leaving Trent, Marilyn and Alice alone to face you. You'll have a chance to arrange your party and change equipment before you engage; make sure your active party has the Quezovercoatl, Sheila, and Effeete summons equipped. I reccomend taking Drizzle, Fellah, Incognita, and Ovaltine. =Boss: Trent, Marilyn, and Alice= Trent: 9000 HP Marilyn: 9000 HP Alice: 9000 HP Weak against fire, ice/water, and lightning, respectively. As soon as one of them falls below half HP, they'll start using their Unholy Racket group attack, so pick one to start with and concentrate your efforts on reducing their numbers. Alice is probably a good choice, as Fellah and Incognita both probably have lightning-elemental spells now. You can also use Incognita's Faulty Wire MGP, as it carries a slight chance of causing paralysis, but the damage is much less than you'll get from a 2nd-level lightning spell. Start off by boosting your stats with Ovaltine's Royal Secret skills, and have Drizzle Suction the Zeta water-elemental skill from Trent. After you've picked one of them off, heal any damage you might have taken from Unholy Racket, then take the other two down one at a time. You shouldn't have too much trouble. You'll get the Rand-McNally summon for your efforts. After the battle, your first order of business is to get out of Naugahyde, which now swarms with angry soldiers. If you go out the front door, you'll just have to fight a bunch of toops with BRRRs for backup, so sneak out the rear window instead. Sneak around behind buildings and try to avoid being spotted--if anyone sees you, you'll have to fight some annoying Special Forces troops who counterattack *everything*. They don't give much exp, either. Make your way to the building on the west edge of town. It's been locked up till now, but now you can enter. Inside you'll find a bunch of giant chickens in hats, glasses, and false mustaches; this is your first Chickenboo stable. Talk to Chickenboo Bob in the upper left corner. He'll explain how to catch and ride a Chickenboo. In order to catch one, you first have to remove its disguise. To this end, Chickenboo Bob will sell you the key item, Disguisinator, for the larcenous sum of 10,000 geep. If you don't have that much, he'll sell it to you for the highest multiple of 100 that you have. (I don't know what happens if you have less than 100 geep...) You have no choice; you can't leave town without a Chickenboo. After you make your purchase, walk up to a Chickenboo and talk to it. A fight will start. If you aren't quick, it will run away, so use the R2 trigger on Drizzle's gumblade to immobilize it, then use the Disguisinator from the item screen. The battle will end, and you'll be atop a Chickenboo. (The Disguisinator will also reveal that Ferris is actually a woman disguised as a man disguised as a woman disguised as a man to get respect in the pirating business.) Note that it is impossible to kill a Chickenboo with Drizzle's gumblade. If you take away all of one's HP with other weapons, it will use its powerful Chickenbuckle attack and run away. Drizzle can Suction this ability, but damage is based on some arcane formula that has yet to be deciphered, and more often than not it proves to be a waste of MP. If you wander around on the Chickenboo tracks found on the world map, you'll eventually run into a wild Chickenboo; from now on those in stables can be rented instead of captured. Now, with your new transportation, head out of town. There will be an FMV of your party thundering across the Naugahyde plains. When you have control again, it will be night and your characters will be planning their next move around a campfire. Fellah explains that Vertex is surrounded by mountains, and the passes are too well guarded to have any hope of sneaking through. In order to get to the prison, you'll have to approach from the south by sea. Unfortunately the Jolly Nesbitt, being a garbage scow, isn't equipped for deep sea travel, and you'll have to get it upgraded somehow. Bart will mention Seltzer Gabberflast, the so-called Carbonated Gambler and entrepeneur who designed the floating casino town of Nutreno to the south. He says Seltzer owes him a favor, and suggests that he might be able to help. Ferris seems to think this is a bad idea, but Bart won't let her finish a sentence. This should tell you something is wrong. IIIIIIIIIIIII %%CZECHMATE%% IIIIIIIIIIIII The next morning, climb on your Chickenboo and head back up to Carmenmiranda, where the Jolly Nesbitt is docked. Once you dismount, the Chicenboo will run back to its stable. Enter town, head to the docks, and board the Jolly Nesbitt. For now, you can only sail on the light blue areas of water. Note that you can now change party members by talking to Bart on the deck of the Jolly Nesbitt. I recommend putting Fellah in your party, for the sidequest coming up. You'll have to sail east and north, then south around the continent to get to Nutreno. You can only disembark at beaches and coastal towns. Along the way, on the east coat of 'Aven't, there's a small cave you should definitely check out, as it contains no fewer than three Arcane Text abilities for Fellah. The cave is a series of puzzle rooms. Unless you've spent a lot of time leveling up, the enemies in here can be annoying, so try not to waste steps too much. The first room has eight cow statues arranged around the walls, thus: +------------+ | 4 XX 5 | |3 6| | | |2 7| | 1 8 | +-----||-----+ Against the far wall is a tablet with a complex word problem, involving Farmer Brown and his anal-retentive need to get exactly 17 gallons of milk. Save your brain some strain and search cows 2, 7, 4, 8, and 6, in that order. Then check the tablet again. Fellah will learn ESP For Dummies, which lets you check enemies' stats. The entrance seals shut, and a new door opens. Head to the next room, and answer the statue's riddles. If you get one wrong, you have to fight an annoying but easy battle. The answers are: Wombat, Five pounds of cheese, To catch the cross-town bus, An exploding cigar, and A live carp. Fellah will learn the Thermodynamics ability, which does fire damage and may lower enemies' defense. You will be attack by an Armor Thug. If you scan its stats with ESP, you'll find, surprise surprise, that it is vulnerable to defense-lowering attacks. Cast Thermodynamics on it, then whack it into oblivion. Move on to the next room. This "puzzle" consists of a single block that must be pushed out of the way. Open the treasure chest to learn the Basic Medicine skilly. This is invaluable, since as of now, it's the only way you have of healing a significant amount of damage to your whole party at once. Equip the Broken Pocket Watch on Fellah, if you have it. As you try to leave, a figure will appear in the room and attack for no reason, after giving a short, nonsensical speech that seems to have been taken from another game altogether. =Boss: Dork King= HP: 44,000 He starts out as a frail-looking guy with a cane, but a quick scan reveals that he has a godawful lot of HP. As you inflict damage on him, he first sprouts six arms, then transforms variously into a traffic light, a member of your party, a tub of cottage cheese, three monkeys, and then a spider in various stages of dismemberment. He has some nasty attacks, including one that slows you down, and also Nuclear Migraine, which will certainly kill whoever it hits. However, once he's in his spider form (after about 12,000 HP worth of damage), just cast Basic Medicine on him. It'll do a whopping 32,000 HP worth of damage, and should kill him outright. The doors will open again, and you'll be free to leave. Get back on the Jolly Nesbitt, and continue south until you find Nutreno floating off the coast of the Empire. Sail into town. ==Nutreno== Items: Script, Dried Toad, Zippy Staff The first thing you should do is update your equipment. If you did the cave sidequest, you should have more than made back what you lost in paying off Chickenboo Bob. If you still need money, the Pirates around Nutreno are worth a fair amount of geep. If you aren't that patient, favor armor over weapons--Prell's Souvenir T-Shirt in particular provides a much-needed boost in defense. Head north to the huge casino. Inside, toward the back, you'll see Seltzer having a couple of rowdy Imperial soldiers thrown out. Once that little cutscene is over, walk up to him. Bart will approach with a smile and an outstretched hand, and Seltzer will punch him in the face. BART: Hey, what was that for? I did you a favor! SELTZER: You sank my best ship! BART: Well, it stopped the pirates from stealing it... SELTZER: Do you have any idea what that ship was WORTH? It was brand new! And I hadn't even finished filling out the insurance forms! Get away from me! I never want to see you again! Ferris just shakes her head and drags Bart away. If you try to talk to Seltzer after this, he'll have you physically ejected from the premesis. Outside, you'll see a brief scene in which everyone takes turns punching Bart, who, naturally, doesn't see what the big fuss is about. You won't be able to enter the casino again. It's a little unclear what you're supposed to do next, but if you ask around in the Inn and Item shop, you'll discover that Seltzer always frequents the Opera House because he has the hots for the prima donna, the mysterious Princess. Head down to the Opera House in the southeast part of town. There you'll find the Impressario, who's all in a tizzy because Princess has run off to parts unknown. Apparently there was an insufficiant number of roses in her dressing room, or something. Once he notices you, he'll mistake Ovaltine for Princess and accuse you all of being kidnappers. OVALTINE: What? I'm a princess, not Princess! IMPRESSARIO: Of course-a you-a Princess! Who else-a would you-a be? OVALTINE: No, listen, I'm not Princess, I'm A princess. IMPRESSARIO: You-a hit-a you-a head or somet'ing? After straightening this little mess out, the Impressario will beg Ovaltine to take Princess's place in the opera tonight. After some hasty discussion, and over Ovaltine's objections, they hatch a plot to save the Impressario's butt and get close to Seltzer at the same time. The Impressario will send you off to talk to the music director, Maestro Schemour Guano. Head back to the orchestra pit, where you will see an FMV of Schemour skewering a violist through the arm with his baton for one too many missed notes. This, combined with his name and the ominous background music, should tell you that this man is bad news. After you explain the situation to him, he'll send Ovaltine off with one of his assistants to learn the score while he makes indecent overtures (get it? GET IT?) toward Incognita. This leads to some macho posturing between him and Drizzle. Schemour withdraws, and the screen fades. Things skip on to that evening. Seltzer is in the audience, as planned, and all seems to be going according to plan until Ovaltine steps on stage. Having absolutely no vocal training, she sounds like a wounded cat. Fortunately, it seems the real Princess wasn't much better, and the audience is fooled. Incognita will get up to go to the bathroom during the Act I intermission; by the start of Act II she still isn't back, so Drizzle gets up to look for her. On stage, meanwhile, Ovaltine is dancing with the male lead--amazingly enough, this isn't a minigame-- when suddenly a strange woman with enormous, clawlike hands bursts up through the floor of the stage and begins moaning and kvetching in Czech. Kafka climbs up after her and becomes incensed when he realizes that Incognita isn't in the audience. He orders Jenufa--the floating woman with the claws--to kill everyone. Seltzer will leap up on stage to defend "Princess." You will now have to form a party with Ovaltine, Selzer, and two other characters. Drizzle and Incognita are unavailable at the moment. Fellah is a must for healing. The fourth slot is a matter of preference; Prell's Aura Bonk does a fair amount of damage, as does Ferris's Weasel Mallet, if you're feeling lucky. =Boss: Jenufa*GESTATION= HP: 15000 The main thing to watch out for here is her Operatic Plot Contrivance #4: Mistaken Identity, which causes your characters to attack each other. Ovaltine seems to be immune--if you check her equipment after the fight, she's wearing the Script accessory, which prevents confusion. She has no weapon, but I wouldn't recommend re-equipping her--you'll mostly be using her to knock some sense back into your other party members, so you don't want her doing too much damage. For the same reason, you should avoid using her strength-boosting spells. Fellah should heal with Basic Medecine and cast magic when he has the chance, Bart should use Hat Trick (or Choke Hold--very, very rarely, you may be able to stun Jenufa briefly), Seltzer should use Card Sharp, Prell should use Aura Bonk. Jenufa's only two other attacks are a fairly strong claw swipe and Vacillation, a Suction ability that you can't Suction because Drizzle's not in the party. As long as you don't get reckless, you shouldn't have any problems. When Jenufa falls, she'll drop the Dried Toad item, which allows Incognita to learn her first limit. Meanwhile, control switches to Drizzle out in the lobby. Head up to the mezzanine, where a monstrously long line has formed in front of the ladies' room. Talk to the woman in front to learn that a strange man followed someone in there and locked the door. Run downstairs and through the side passage to the backstage area. There you'll find various members of the orchestra standing around an impressively lifelike sock puppet of Maestro Schemour. Apparently it conducted the entire first act without anyone noticing. In the broom closet, you'll find the custodian, who gives you the key to the bathroom. At this point you may wish to dash outside and avail yourself of the save point in the pub across the street from the opera house. Run back to the bathroom and examine the door to unlock it. Inside you'll find Schemour and Incognita; Schemour is telling her that he, too, is a member of an ancient, mysterious race, and suggests that they make some ancient, mysterious babies. Drizzle will step in to object; Schemour whistles, and two Orchestra Drudges come running up to join him. =Boss: Schemour (and two Orchestra Drudges)= Schemour: 7500 HP Orchestra Drudge A: ??? Orchestra Drudge B: ??? You'll note that each Orchestra Drudge has a little "5" over his head. This number is how many hits he can take. If the number reaches 0, he dies. You also lose, because they're technically innocent bystanders, and good RPG heros aren't supposed to kill innocent bystanders. Every time you try to attack Schemour, he'll use one of the Drudges as a shield; in order to circumvent this, you must use the R2 trigger of Drizzle's gumblade to immobilize them temporarily. When they get down to around 2, use curative items or Incognita's Health MGP to restore them, because Schemour will occasionally take potshots at them himself. As for Schemour himself, he mostly casts second-level Fire, Ice, and Lightning spells. He also has two attacks with his baton; in the first, he simply skewers one character for major damage, and in the second, he starts conducting the two Drudges. Their music can inflict sleep, confusion, and berserk--all three of which are essentially fatal in this fight. Fortunately, Schemour can't do this unless both Drudges are free. This fight is a delicate balancing act between keeping yourself and the Drudges healthy, keeping the Drudges immobile, and actually attacking Schemour. Schemour takes half damage from all magic, so use Drizzle to attack and save Incognita for healing. Things can go wrong very fast, so play it safe. When you finally off Schemour, he'll mutter a curiously blasé "Oh, damn," and die. He drops the Zippy Staff for Incognita, which can be used to haste one party member in battle. Hang on to this, because you won't be learning Haste for quite some time. After the fight, you are promptly trampled by a stampede of women with overfull bladders and punted out of the bathroom. Worm your way though the crowd of escaping patrons to the backstage area again. Everyone else is standing around back there; there's no sign of Kafka or Jenufa, and Seltzer has just caught on to the fact that Ovaltine is, in fact, Ovaltine rather than Princess. Incognita explains the situaion. Seltzer will applaud your tenacity and agree to help, provided that Ovaltine marries him. Ovaltine will point out that she's only 16, call him a pervert, and beat him with her scepter until he relents. Seltzer will send a pair of technicians to work on the Jolly Nesbitt, then leave to seek medical treatment. The next morning, head out to the docks to find Seltzer standing on the deck of a brand new, completely identical-looking Jolly Nesbitt. He announces that he's coming with you. Ovaltine hefts her scepter meaningfully at him, but he shakes his head. SELTZER: I have nothing to lose but...well, everything, actually. Press him further, and it turns out that last night, after the Jenufa incident, a squad of Imperial troops came and took over the casino, leaving him essentially homeless. He also intends on making Bart pay back every cent he owes. Now, all that remains is to set sail and head around the southern coast until you come to a beach. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO %%THE GREAT ESCAPE%% OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO [INSERT REST OF WALKTHROUGH HERE] ====================================================================== ==5. CHARACTERS======================================================= ====================================================================== DRIZZLE RODENTLUNG AGE: 19 PROFILE: Our Hero. Drizzle is a young man from Quaint Village. WEAPONS: Gumblades. Press R2 as he strikes to pull the trigger, releasing a glob of sticky gum which has a chance of immobilizing the enemy. SPECIAL: Suction INCOGNITA TERRA AGE: 18 PROFILE: Our Heroine. Drizzle's sweetheart with a mysterious back- ground and the odd incomprehensible flashback every now and again. WEAPONS: Staves SPECIAL: MGP (Mysterious Girl Powers) SEIFEROTH ALMONDJOY AGE: 23 PROFILE: A mysterious guy who was found wandering alone outside the borders of Quaint Village when he was 10, with no knowledge of his past or how he got there, or about the sword he was carrying. He is the undisputed Morris Dancing champion of the village, and Drizzle's biggest rival. WEAPONS: Katanas SPECIAL: Secular Sword SELTZER GABBERFLAST AGE: 27 PROFILE: A fast-talking high-stakes gambler. He owns the legendary Floating Casino, near the southern boundary of the Imperial Empire. WEAPONS: Small, throwable gambling parephenalia (cards, chips) SPECIAL: 5Card PRELL DRENCHED AGE: 19 PROFILE: One of Drizzle's childhood aquaintances who moved to Nauguahyde several years ago. WEAPONS: Knuckles SPECIAL: Fritz (match the buttons on the screen to raise power) BARTHOLOMEW CUBBINS AGE: 18 PROFILE: A "Pirate of Justice" with a grudge against the Imperial Empire, for mysterious reasons that are probably important to the plot. WEAPONS: Whips SPECIAL: Combat Skill (match the controler patterns on screen to raise power) FERRIS WHEELER AGE: 25 PROFILE: Deputy Pirate of Justice. His/her reasons for joining Bart are unknown, but are no doubt also mysterious and relevant to the plot. WEAPONS: Swords SPECIAL: Roulette PRINCESS OVALTINE AGE: 16 PROFILE: Princess of the Kingdom of Barrons who runs away from her overprotective father. WEAPONS: Bows and scepters SPECIAL: Royal Secret SAGE FELLAH AGE: 89 PROFILE: A member of the famous Parallelogram of Sages, responsible for maintaining order in the Kingdom of Barrons. WEAPONS: Rods SPECIAL: Arcane Text MOOG AGE: 7 PROFILE: The leader of the Moocows of Swanky Woods. WEAPONS: Keyboards/Spears SPECIAL: Boogie STUFFY ELBONIA AGE: 17 PROFILE: Money-grubbing, vengeance-seeking deposed princess of Elbonia WEAPONS: Boomerangs SPECIAL: Extort/Rob LEONARDO BARRANTIN AGE: ?? PROFILE: Vampire count of Podunk WEAPONS: False teeth SPECIAL: Bah! LAMPOONA SEINE AGE: 28 PROFILE: Tabloid reporter and ineffective political journalist WEAPONS: Harpoon guns SPECIAL: Slander ====================================================================== ==6. LISTS============================================================ ====================================================================== ==ITEMS== USEABLE ITEMS DESCRIPTION Snacks Recover 50 HP Potion Recover 150 HP Neato Potion Recover 500 HP Superneato Potion Recover all HP Spiffy Potion Recover 4000 HP (whole party) Brain Lotion Recover 25 MP Brain Salve Recover 75 MP Brain Ointment Recover 200 MP Ambrosia Full recovery (only self) Isbrosia Full recovery (only other) Arebrosia Full recovery (all) Ignited Feather Revives an unconcious character (15% max HP) Pup Tent Recovers/revives up to 5000 HP & 500 MP (field/save point only) Doberman Tent Recovers/revives fully (field/save point only) Antidote Removes poison [more to come] KEY ITEMS DESCRIPTION Hammer You hit stuff with it Orange Prevents scurvy Old Sock Yuck... Sardine It's gone a bit off... Chestnuts Roast them on an open fire? Roll of Wallpaper Tacky, tacky, tacky Scarf Neither warm nor fashionable Stuffed Marmot It might make a nice conversation piece Naughty Adventures Lonely sailor's companion Robe Design Specs How to build a Grand Poo-Bah robe Lucky Pincusion Object of a porcupine's pining Hedgehog Whistle Summon a spiny friend Train Ticket First class Docking Pass Allows docking in Carmenmiranda Stone of Scone Ancient, mysterious drinks coaster Recommendation 1 "They make right fine gofers." Recommendation 2 "Wowie! What a hottie!" Recommendation 3 "The nicest load of credulous dupes I've ever met." Skateboard Gift from a total stranger Sauerkraut It's not supposed to be THIS sauer Cough Drops Mentholated! Ball of Twine Just a ball of twine Cat Don't wake it up Slurpee Mix Made not with love, but with hydrogenated corn syrup Tequila Don't eat the worm Officer's Clothes He's evidently not a very clean man... [also more to come] ==LIMIT BREAKS== DRIZZLE Not Much Braver: Drizzle hesitates for a moment, then charges a random enemy. Item: Weasel Fang Crimehazzard: Drizzle socks one foe in the gut with the hilt of his sword, whacks it on the head, then slashes at it. Item: Nightstick ThisMagicMoment: Drizzle hands a foe a bouquet of dead flowers. While it's distracted, he stabs it in the gut. Item: Dead Flower Rodentlung: Drizzle slashes multiple times with his sword, injuring all enemies, despite not standing anywhere near them. Item: Rodent's Lung INCOGNITA Happy Rain: Big smiley clouds drop healing waters on the party. Restores HP and removes negative status ailments. Item: Dried Frog Breath of the Morning: Incognita exhales a noxious cloud, inflicting blind, mute, and poison on the enemy. Item: Garlic Clove Pocket Protector: Raises the party's physical and magic defense for the duration of the fight, and ups evasion rate. Item: Lab Coat Mighty Morphine: Incognita turns into a fuzzy pink Muppet, doubling her physical and magic attack power. Item: Mysterious Ancient Artifact FELLAH Model Train: A starry background appears, and all enemies are pelted with...polygonal things. I don't get the connection, either. Item: Caboose Grey Matter: Fellah uses his awesome brain power to bounce one enemy around like a superball. Item: Grey Rock Star Flair: Scads of celebrities step out of nowhere, incinerating enemies with the burning light of flashbulbs reflected off their perfect, white teeth. Item: Soap Opera Digest Meateo: A rain of giant meatballs pounds the battlefield. Item: Canned Ravioli OVALTINE Tantrum: Ovaltine throws a hissy fit, flooding the battlefield with tears. Hits all enemies for water damage. Item: Used Hanky Frog Prince: Ovaltine kisses a frog, who turns into a handsome prince and attacks one foe with his sword. Item: Tiny Crown Fairy Godmother: An old woman in a ball gown appears and drops giant pumpkins on your enemies. Item: Glass Slipper Death Sentence: Instantly kills all non-boss enemies. No experience or Geep, though. Item: Guillotine PRELL Mello Yello: Prell radiates an easygoing aura, removing all negative status and restoring a little HP to the party. It also has a 30% chance of casting Haste on each member of the party. Item: Flat Soda Image Is Nothing: Prell picks a piece of sporting equipment at random and puts it to an inappropriate use. Item: Bottle Cap Do the Dew: Prell leaps into the air and falls back down, bungee cord attached, and hits one enemy 3-9 times. Item: Bungee Cord Surge!: Prell chugs a bottle of Soylent Yello, begins vibrating, charges off screen, then comes back on and stampedes around the battlefield like a rhino on methamphetamines. Item: Distilled Caffeine BART Keelhaul: Bart runs one enemy over with a ship. No, I don't know how it got on dry land, either. Item: Yardarm Black Flag: Bart latches onto something with his whip and swings into the enemy with a cutlass clenched in his teeth. Item: Pirate Flag G&S Rush: The complete crew of the HMS Pinafore tramples the enemy, singing and dancing as they go. Item: Pinafore Call Me Queen!: Laughing disturbingly, Bart whips the snot out of every enemy on the screen. Item: Scary Boots FERRIS Yo Ho Ho!: Ferris takes a huge swig of rum, lights a match, and spews a massive fireball at one enemy. Item: Bottle of Rum Discus o' Doom: Ferris flings a discus at one enemy for physical damage. Also has a 10% chance of instant death. Item: Magic Hubcap Saber Dance: Ferris makes 8-12 random slashes with his/her sword. Item: Dancing Saber Androgyroscope: Ferris leaps into the middle of the enemy party, draws his/her sword, and spins like a top. Hits for wind and physical damage. Item: Hormone Pills SELTZER Earth Shaker: Seltzer looses an earth-shaking belch. Hits for earth damage, and doesn't work on flying enemies. Item: Fizzy Cola Ignis Flatuus: Seltzer burps up a little ball of flame, which hits 3-5 times randomly for fire damage. Item: Fire Water Thunder Rumble: Seltzer calls upon the thunder gods, whose mighty burps strike the enemy for sonic damage. Item: Mead Tornado: Prell tosses Seltzer a bottle of cola; they both chug and burp in tandem, blowing the enemy away. Wind damage. Item: Seltzer MOOG Sonic Boom: Moog hauls out a pair of speakers and throws them at one enemy. Item: Amp Feedback: Moog hauls out a pair of speakers and points a microphone at them, rupturing the enemies' eardrums. Item: Busted Mike Chickenbuckboom: Moog leaps onto a Chickenboo and charges the enemy, shoving four pounds of plastique into their pants as he goes by. Item: Boo/Moo Imateria El Mariachi: Moog strums a guitar with a rose between his teeth as a herd of bulls tramples the enemy. Item: Bass Guitar STUFFY Kaboomerang: Stuffy loads her boomerang with explosives and chucks it at the enemy for area damage. Item: Plastique Perforation: Stuffy pulls out a crossbow-looking contraption, pours a double fistfull of shuriken into it, and fires it an one enemy. Item: Shiriken Carving Broodfest: Stuffy tosses 6-10 sarcastic comments at the enemy for nonelemental damage. Item: Goth Poem. Shinobang: Exactly like Kaboomerang, except Stuffy follows it with a series of blows from a one-ton mallet. Item: Ninja Hammer SEIFEROTH Shish-kebob: Seiferoth drops out of the sky and impales one foe on his ludicrously outsized blade. Item: Skewer Kumquat Blossom: After a close-up of Seiferoth looking all angsty and bishonen in a shower of flower petals, he draws his sword and strikes in one fluid motion. Item: Kumquat Branch Falling Nova: He tosses the enemy into the air, then swats it back down to the ground with his sword, setting it on fire in the process. Item: Helium Fuser Diediediediedie: Much like Bart's Call Me Queen!, but with a sword in place of a whip. Item: Chop-O-Matic =Optional Characters= LEONARDO Bleah!: Leonardo bites 2-4 random targets, absorbing the damage. Any surplus is distributed among the rest of the party. Item: Plastic Fangs Notsoferatu: The screen goes black, except for a pair of red eyes, which grow larger and larger. After a strobe-lit action sequence, all enemies take damage, with a chance of one of the following: blindness, confusion, mute, paralysis Item: Widow's Peak LAMPOONA Harpoona: Lampoona fires a harpoon into an enemy, reels it in, and beats it about the head with a thesarus. Item: Ballista Parts Manifestoon: Lampoona tosses an inflamatory pamphlet into the enemy party, causing them to take 10 random hits against one another. Doesn't work on lone enemies. Item: Work of Satire ==SKILLS== =DRIZZLE= SUCTION MP NOTES (incomplete) Frost 4 weak ice spell Heat 4 weak fire spell Ice Scraper 16 ice attac/single Flame Belch 28 fire/all Vacillation 34 sonic attack/all Zeta 36 water attack/all Pollen Count 22 poison/all MothrOfPearlWind 30 heals party by amount equal to current HP Chickenbuckle 77 does far too little damage to be worth it Shadow Flayer 100 dark attack/all =INCOGNITA= MGP MP NOTES Health 4 heals all allies a little FrostyShorts 8 ice elemental/single HotFoot 8 fire elemental/single Faulty Wire 8 lightning elemental/single/paralysis Thwack! 10 earth elemental/single/confusion Antidote 4 cure poison/single GreatBallsO'Fire 22 large fire attack/all CPR 30 revives unconcious character NotQuiteAbslute0 26 large ice attack/all Health Plus 18 heals all allies Electric Storm 28 large lightning atttack/all Tectonic Oopsie 32 large earth attack/all Grunge Lance 50 massive holy attack/single Ancient Mystery 68 whacks all enemies w/giant "?" Nuclear Migrane 94 massive nonelemental attack/single =BART= COMBAT SKILL MP NOTES Sonic Whip 6 Single/1.5x damage Hat Trick 8 Single/2x damage Choke Hold 12 Single/physical/paralysis Scourge 14 Single Carnivorous Bunny 18 Random targets/6 hits Supersonic Whip 20 All enemies/physical Whippersnapper 25 Single/physical Shockwave 28 All enemies/physical Ultrasonic Whip 32 All enemies/physical/mute 500 Hats 38 All enemies/physical =OVALTINE= ROYAL SECRET MP EFFECT TaxHike 18 Increases amount of gold won in battle Muster 12 Raises attack power/single ally Fortification 12 Raises defense/single ally Filibuster 8 Causes sleep/all enemies Junk Bond 18 Physical attack/single Vacillation 34 Sonic attack/all enemies Aluminum Curtain 28 Halves magic damage/single ally Inbreeding 20 Halves enemy level/single Government Cheese 38 Physical attack/all enemies Research Grant 16 Raises magic attack & defence/single ally Iron Curtain 58 Halves magic damage/all allies Red Tape 30 Physical attack/paralysis/all enemies Crusade 70 Raises attack & defense/all allies =SEIFEROTH= SECULAR SWORD MP NOTES Kinetic Sword 10 Single/physical Dusk Sword 18 Single/vampiric Lightning Poke 20 Single/thunder Inverted Sword 8 Weak healing spell/all allies/battle only FlamingSwdO'Fire 32 All enemies/fire Shellfish Stab 30 Single/water Bloodthirst 39 Random targets/seven hits/physical Parry 16 Self/raises defence Dandelion Blossom 45 All enemies/physical Heaven's Clod 50 Single/ice Holy Implosion 65 All enemies/holy =PRELL= FRITZ MP NOTES Hobo Rush 4 Single/physical Up, Square, Down Pledge Drive 6 All enemies/physical Left, Right, Up, Down Aura Bonk 12 Single/holy Down, Down-left, Left, X Acupressure 8 All allies/healing Square, X, Down, Down Tramp Rush 18 Single/physical Left, Down-left, Down, Down-right, Right, X Anemic Zap 24 All enemies/lightning Left, Right, Up, Circle, Square, X Blue Thwap 30 Single/physical Down, Down, Down, Triangle, Down and X Porpoise Blow 35 Single/water Right, Down, Left, Up, Right, Left, Square Vagrant Rush 42 All enemies/physical Up, Up, Up, Up, Left Funnel Heaven 55 All enemies/physical/chance of inst. death Up, Down, Right, Left, L1, R2, Square, Triangle, Select, L2, X, R1 =FELLAH= ARCANE TEXT MP NOTES (All Arcane Text abilities are both single and group attacks, unless noted) Textbook 8 All enemies/sleep ESP for Dummies 2 See single enemy's stats Thermodynamics 10 Flame attack/def. down Basic Medicine 15 Healing Glacial Topography 16 Ice attack/sleep Florid Prose 16 Confusion Inorganic Chemistry 20 Physical Mushrooms to Avoid 24 Poison attack/poison How to Be a Saint 30 Holy attack Advanced Medicine 34 Stronger healing/relieves status/single Bk of Penultimate Evil 40 Dark attack Purple Passage 42 Poison attack/poison/confusion Particle Physics 50 Nonelemental Nature's Call 62 Physical/random hit Fusion Made Easy 72 Nonelemental/all enemies and allies De Revolutionibus 99 Nonelemental attack/all =FERRIS= ROULETTE Normal Effect 00 Doooooom!! (Reaper kills whole party) 0 Doooom! (Reaper deals major damage to whole party) 1-10 Oopsie (Explosion deals minor damage to whole party) 11-18 Whoopsie (Explosion deals medium damage to one ally) 19-24 Anthropolagomorph (White Rabbit heals minor damage to party) 25-30 Sorta Summon (Random summon for half normal damage) 31-33 Weasel Mallet (Weasel hits 1-3 enemies for medium damage) 34-35 Flush (Toilets rain upon one enemy; medium-heavy damage) 36 Chickenboo Stampede (Medium damage to all enemies; flying enemies immune) Rigged Wheel A 00 Doooom! 0 Oopsie 1-10 Whoopsie 11-18 Anthropolagomorph 19-24 Sorta Summon 25-30 Weasel Mallet 31-33 Flush 34-35 Chickenboo Stampede 36 Summon (Random summon for 3/4 full damage) Rigged Wheel B 00 Oopsie 0 Whoopsie 1-10 Anthropolagomorph 11-18 Sorta Summon 19-24 Weasel Mallet 25-30 Flush 31-33 Chickenboo Stampede 34-35 Summon 36 Grand Flush (Medium-heavy damage to all enemies) Gambler's Wheel 00 Whoopsie 0-10 Anthropolagomorph 11-18 Weasel Mallet 19-24 Flush 25-30 Chickenboo Stampede 31-33 Summon 34-35 Grand Flush 36 Chickenbop (Heavy damage to one enemy) Golden Wheel 00-15 Anthropolagomorph 16-24 Grand Flush 25-30 Chickenbop 31-35 Fortune's Wheel(Pat Sajak hits all enemies for heavy damage) 36 Doooooom!!! (Heavy damage to whole party) =SELTZER= 5CARD MP NOTES Card Sharp 10 Physical attack, single Stacked Deck 15 Enemies more susceptible to stat attacks Shuffle 20 Shuffles max HP digits until next rest (if max is already 9999, there is a chance of getting 10,000+ HP) Swindle 25 Increases odds of finding rare items Joking Hazard 16 Random spell effects (very rarely, casts NI!^2. Caveat caster.) Trump Card 36 Physical attack, single, lowers def. Sleight of Hand 40 Swaps status ailments w/enemy Ace of Spades 45 Instant death, single 52 Pickup 60 Physical attack, all enemies, chance of confusion, berserk =STUFFY= EXTORT Forces enemies to give you items and/or geep ROB (with Lead Pipe) Steals from and damages enemy =MOOG= BOOGIE MP NOTES Frost Jitterbug 15 Ice attack/raises ice effectiveness Rain Dance 15 Water attac/raises water effectiveness Lava Lambada 15 Fire attack/raises fire effectiveness Marsh Macarena 15 Earth attack/raises earth effectiveness Eletric Boogaloo 15 Electric attack/raises elec. effectiveness Twister Twist 15 Wind attack/raises wind effectiveness Holy Polka 25 Light attack/raises light effectiveness Black Waltz 25 Dark attack/raises dark effectiveness =LEONARDO= BAH! MP NOTES Leech 1 Steals a little HP and MP/single Zombinator 15 Physical/zombie/single Eye Poke 15 Physical/blind/single Ungentle Touch 15 Physical/poison/single Dirt Nap 25 Seals himself in his coffin for five turns. He emerges fully restored. (He cannot act during those five turns; this ability is useable only in battle & has no effect if the battle ends before he emerges.) Hlisten und Obey 50 All non-boss undead may fall under his control Mind Jab 25 Lowers phys/mag defense/single Chiltren ov zhe Night 40 Calls bats, cats, rats, wolves, etc to attack all enemies Pale Rider 40 Dark/single =LAMPOONA= SATIRE MP NOTES Jape 8 Lampoona tells jokes/chance of paralysis Target Lock 12 Raises one ally's accuracy 75% Pointed Wit 10 Lampoona makes a corny crack as he targets and shoots one enemy Impersonation 60 Gain one ally's stats and abilities Bandito 30 Swings in on a chandalier, rose clenched in his teeth, firing arrows from a crossbow Mr. Suave 35 Tries to impress one of the ladies in your party and fails miserably--enemies lose a turn laughing (note: only useable if you have a female party member) Flog a Dead Horse 40 Eight regular attacks, back-to-back Final Farce 48 One of the following drops on all enemies: giant cream pie, big foot, 16-ton safe ==SUMMONS AND SPELLS== SUMMONS MP EFFECT Quetzovercoatl 16 Electrofeather (Thunder) Shiela 18 Cubic Zirconium Dust (Ice) Rand-McNally 20 Atlas (Earth) Effete 24 Heckfire (Fire) Reasura 28 Soothing Noises (Heals a random amount) Otto von Bismarck32 Battleship (Physical) ThomasHobbes 38 Sea of Words (Water/Sleep/Confusion) Lech 36 Earth Hug (Earth) Krakpot 38 Squid Rain (Water) Valvalvoline 42 Moo Storm (Wind/Physical) Republicant 46 Meaningful Look (Fire) Stoat 50 Evil Eye, Nose, and Throat (Dark) Pompadour 60 Grease (hastes whole party) Lxndr 65 Mother of Pearl (Light) Bahamamut 80 GigaWoof (Nonelemental) Horoscope 99 Tropic of Whoopass (Nonelemental, ignores defense) Knights of NI! 256 NI! (As far as I know, this one just wastes your MP, except in one battle. See the Shrub Subquest section for more info.) SPELLS MP LEARNED FROM Bolt 8 Quetzovercoatl Thunderbolt 16 Quetzovercoatl Lightningbolt 32 Quetzovercoatl Electric attack series Icecube 8 Shiela Icicle 16 Shiela Icestorm 32 Shiela Ice Age 56 Krakpot Ice attack series Rock 8 Rand-McNally Hard Rock 16 Rand-McNally Rockslide 32 Rand-McNally Upheaval 56 Lech Earth attack series Fire 8 Effete Fireball 16 Effete Firestorm 32 Effete Fire & Brimstone 58 Republicant Fire attac series Wave 10 Otto von Bismarck Big Wave 20 Otto von Bismarck Tidal Wave 40 ThomasHobbes Water attack series Heal 5 Reasura Cure 15 Reasura Restore 30 Reasura Healing series (single character only) Tornado 20 Valvalvoline Hurricaine 35 Valvalvoline Wind attack series Haste 25 Pompadour Slow 25 Pompadour Status spells Darkness 10 Stoat Rabies 24 Stoat Status and damage spells (dark elemental) Holy Moly 50 Lxndr Light attack Attoflare 60 Bahamamut Nonelemental attack (single) Premonition 200 Horoscope 100% dodge rate for four complete rounds. Skipping a character counts as a turn for that character. NI!^2 All Knights of NI! Utterly worthless--reduces all enemies and allies to 1 HP, with poison status. ======================================================================= ==7. DID YOU NOTICE...?================================================ ======================================================================= If you look closely, when the other characters pop out for cutscenes they're actually climbing out of the leader's pockets. ======================================================================= ==8. FAQ, IN WHICH OBSCURITIES ARE EXPLAINED=========================== ======================================================================= But not yet. ======================================================================= ==9. CREDITS: I LIED ABOUT IT BEING THE END============================ ======================================================================= None of this would be possible without the efforts and warped brains of the following people, who should be admired or shunned accordingly: W4, the Mad Author: For answering the question, "What should I use in place of Chocobos?" and, of course, the title. Kate Malloy: For Seltzer's monnicker, "The Carbonated Gambler." NeoVid: For Prell's Mello Yello limit, and for insisting that I find room for Gilgamess. Jonatan Streith (I think, it's been a while): For the idea of characters climbing out of the leader's pockets. (...) Dave Barry: From whose _Dave Barry Does Japan_ I recklessly stole the notion of Rex the Giant Abelone. Please don't sue. Square, SquareSoft, Square Electronic Arts, Square LLC, Square Inc., Square & Co., Square Amalgamated Production Ltd., Square Square's Sons, The Return of Square, Square Strikes Back, etc: Without whom this parody would be very, very short.