"Dear Eiji, I just killed a whole ton of ninjas, and they were not totally sweet! What is up with that? Thanks, Hotsuma" "Ah, good question," said Eiji aloud as he typed his response. "Let me explain that with another of my bogus mathematical theorems. You see, the sweetitude is directly proportional to the solitude. Ninjas who are totally alone, like me, are also totally sweet, like me. If they work in pairs their sweetness is greatly impaired, and doubled again we have ninja quartets, like the Ninja Turtles, who are not sweet anymore, even though they are still well into the awesome range. From there you have ninja strike forces and then even whole ninja clans attacking at once, and they might be pretty awesome collectively, but they'll still be easily slaughtered by one lone enemy ninja, as Ninja Scroll illustrates. "You should have something around the house to remind you of this simple theorem, like maybe an inspirational poster, or perhaps a quilt. Or you could do what I did!" Eiji held up a tiny framed cloth to his web cam, upon which was embroidered "The sweetitude is directly proportional to the solitude." Vega popped out from a nearby desk drawer. "Hey, nice stitching. Looks like SOMEone's got a side to them that they didn't tell anyone about." "Shut up!" [---] "Young stunt double, Doom has decided that in order for you to truly be able to pretend you are Doom, you must know the basic fundamental rules of Doom." Dong took another sip from his Pina Colada and gazed blearily at Doom. "Guh? Like what?" "Like so! Firstly-" Doom fired a laser from one of his hands into the ceiling to wake Dong up "When you are Doom, you are better than anyone. At everything." "Got it, I'm better than everyone else when I'm Doom." "Except me." "Huh?" "Because I will be the real Dr. Doom." "Huh?" "Enough!" said Doom, pacing around the chateau. "Moving on, the second rule is that you are never defeated! Ever! Even if it LOOKS like you are defeated, it's just a setback. Your plans allowed for or even included you being beaten in a fight or some object you desired being blown up." Dong nodded again and took another sip. He hadn't realized yet that the glass was actually empty. "And thirdly, and pay attention because this is the most important, IT'S ALL RICHARDS' FAULT! Everything that goes wrong in your life can and WILL be traced back to Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four, even if it does not seem so at first!" "Oh, right!" said Dong. "I remember reading about that. Something blew up in your face in high school, scarred you for life and that was why you went all mad gearz on him." "Er...well, I suppose you could say that," said Doom. "But in reality, the cosmic annoyance that is Richards' interference in my life stretches back further, to elementary school." [---] Victor Von Doom, age ten, struggled with his Radio Flyer piled full of chocolate bars, his puny, nerdy body barely able to pull the weight. "You will see! You WILL SEE!" He shook his little fist at the sky in defiance, unaware that he was in the throes of heat exhaustion and delirium. "I WILL be the one to sell a hundred thousand candy bars for the school drive and gain the super secret ultimate grand prize!" A shadow came over the neighborhood and a ghostly voice echoed towards him. "Dooooom...Dooooom! Give up your hopeless quest for chocolaty superiority!" said a cloaked figure drifting towards him. Under the hood was a two-dimensional dog's face wearing a red wool cap. "W-who are you!?" shrieked lil' Doom. "I am Parappa, the gangsta specter of defeat, yo! OoooooOOOooh!" said the apparition. "You know the secret of the grand prize, don't you? Tell me, dog man!" howled lil' Doom. "I MUST KNOW!" The apparition folded its hands and shook its flat head. "I ain't saying, yo." "Is it a weapon? A suit of armor? A tome of incredible magical power? Is it the means to take over the entire planet?! TELL ME!" "The grand prize will never be yours, Doom! OooOOOOoooh!" The apparition began drifting away. Doom hurled all seventy-five pounds of himself at the ghost. When he hit it, the hallucination vanished and he found himself holding the jacket of his arch-nemesis since kindergarten, Reed Richards. "Oww! Hey, Victor, cut it out man," said Reed. "You know, defeat really has made you go insane." "Defeat?!" screeched lil' Doom. "You speak lies! I will be the one who wins the contest! Then I will go home to my lovely Latveria and return to destroy your entire country, starting with this stupid, stupid school!" Reed laughed. "Come on, hasn't anyone told you? The contest ended yesterday, man." A look of horror crossed over lil' Doom's face. "NOOOOOOOO!!!" He sank to his knees, quivering. After a moment the horrified look was replaced by a mask of rage. He pointed a finger at Reed. "This is your fault! You made me forget! You must have. You always hated me because I was the better candy bar salesman!" A quizzical look passed over Reed's face, but he shrugged and went back up the sidewalk. "Later, man. Let me know when you get a life, okay?" [---] "So there you have it," said Dr. Doom to Dong. "The true origin of our animosity!" "Uh, I don't really see how he could have--" "Of course you don't! Nobody understands that it is all Richards' fault. But it is, oh, yes, it is! All of it! My acne, my first shaving cuts, the way the girls preferred his gas-guzzling American muscle car to my Gremlin, all a devious plot to make himself look good by stomping all over me!" Dong blinked. "So, it's all his fault?" "Yes!" "What about the stuff he had nothing to do with?" "Also his fault! Thanks to the beauty of chaos theory we can now connect nearly every seemingly unrelated, unhappy event in my entire life to the actions of Reed Richards! Only Doom's incredible intellect would be capable of mapping them all out, but it is true." "Wow, man," said Dong, taking another pull on the straw in his still-empty Pina Collada. [---] FORGOT ABOUT JAE Chapter 47: The Dark Quarterback Returns FAJ created by Shelby Scott, AKA Darkheart One This chapter by JP Chabot [---] Last time on Forgot About Jae: - There are 28 days remaining until Blackheart rises! - Skullomania is now the official superhero of Southtown... - ...resulting in Violence Unlimited losing their business from the mayor! - Sharon is in the dungeon of Violence Unlimited, enduring a horrifying musical number! - Battlerman's Battlerfriends have Battlerabandoned him. - So he's retiring! - Dong Hwang has been instructed by Yoshimitsu to destroy Kusanagi Tower. I don't think he was paying attention, though. [---] "Halt, villain!" proclaimed Skullomania, posing on the rooftop of Abandoned Warehouse #457. "You've run out of places to run! Stop your musical shenanigans at once and surrender in peace!" "HA! Never!" said his foe, the evil rock-and-roll witch, I-no. "With this last component for my ultimate amp, the city shall fall under my control. Now, witness the true power of HEAVY METAL!" I-no hit him with a bar of intense electric guitar notes. Skullomania grabbed his ears and sank to his knees, Shatnering in intense pain. I-no laughed wickedly. "That's right, skull-boy. Succumb to my riffs; you're no match for me." "ARRRGGH!" said Skullomania. "Skullo-sense...tingling. Imminent death...approaching! Got...to...do...something...!" He raised one hand to the sky in a dramatic clawing gesture. "I think you sense correctly, you pathetic little man," said I-no, zapping him with some really high notes. A shadow came over both of them, blotting out the sun. I-no glanced upward, and her smug grin vanished like mist before sunlight. She dropped her guitar and started running, as fast as she could, trying to jump off the top of the warehouse before-- WHAM. A large metal fortress dropped from the sky, crushing the empty warehouse as if it were made out of graham crackers, and incidentally, Skullomania as well. Several people dressed in colorful spandex emerged from the front entrance of the fortress, scanning their environment. "Hmmm," enunciated the bigheaded man with the green cape and forehead-gem. "It seems that we and our Freedom Fortress have fallen through yet another temporal distortion. My alien mental abilities surmise that we have landed somewhere in the 21st century of your Earth-calendar." "Carumba!" said the guy in the v-cut shirt with flames running down it. "So where are the flying cars and stuff?" "I don't know, El Diablo," said the man wearing red, white and blue spandex with a tri-tip hat. "But I surmise that we ask this poor, unfortunate sewer-dweller of the future exactly where and when we are." He pointed his eagle-topped staff at Skullomania, who was emerging from a nearby manhole. "Dude, you guys just took out I-no!" said Skullomania, pointing out the witch's red boots poking out from under the fortress. "Thanks a million! She was a really tough villain." "Que? Oh...well, glad to be of service to a fellow superhero, I suppose!" said El Diablo. "So where are we, amigo?" "Southtown, USA," said Skullo. He peered at the men. "Wait, I know you guys! You're from Freedom Force, those superheroes from way back in the 60s! You're Mentor! Minute Man! El Diablo! I love you guys!" Skullomania rushed forward to shake the surprised timelost heroes' hands. "Want to hear my origin story?" "Well, er, that is...I suppose--" said Minute Man. "Great!" [---] THE ORIGIN OF SKULLOMANIA! [Still: A Japanese salaryman sits behind a table at a booth, action figures piled high on one side.] NARRATOR: Meet Saburo Nisikoyama, struggling salesman in Yokohama, Japan. He tries desperately to promote his company's new line of action figures, but is stymied by the nonexistent advertising budget. [Still: A trio of Japanese kids running right past Saburo, not even looking at his display as he slumps his head in one hand.] SABURO [vo]: I know these kids would love these toys, but this plain red cloth booth and chipped wooden table aren't cutting it. I don't even have a wall scroll to show off! [Still: Another Japanese salaryman in the booth next to Saburo's. He's got a large cardboard stand, a bunch of wall scrolls and posters hanging in the back and tons of flyers. Kids are flocking around him and grabbing the promotional toys.] SALESMAN: Better luck next time, Nisikoyama! It looks like Christmas belongs to me this year! SABURO: Aww, forget this, I'm going to a bar! [Still: Saburo in a Yokohama bar, drowning his sorrows in sake. A glowing green skeleton is walking towards him, also holding a drink.] SABURO: Well, my lunch break is almost over. Better get back to--hey! Careful! NARRATOR: Suddenly, FATE INTERVENES! [Still: The glowing skeleton tripping and falling on Saburo, biting his arm.] SABURO: OWW! That hurt! [Still: Saburo holding his arm. The wound is glowing green!] SABURO: What's...happening...to...me? My wound...glowing! Power...spreading! Costume...covering my body! [Still: Saburo standing up as the glow covers his body. Black tights with white bones painted on them are forming around him.] SABURO: I feel stronger...more capable! I feel power in my very bones! That strange energy must have bestowed me the proportional strength and speed of a skeleton, and given me this costume! [Still: The costumed Saburo, with a smile showing through his mask.] SABURO: I've got it! I can make myself into a promotion for these action figures! I'll be like Santa, only cooler! [Still: The costumed Saburo handing out action figures to kids at his booth, who are smiling and playing with the gifts.] SABURO: Get them while they're hot, kids! Remember to ask your parents to buy the whole set! KID: Wow, thanks, mister! These are great toys. You're the coolest! SABURO: No problem at all! There will never be an unpromoted toy line again, thanks to-- [Still: The posing Saburo in his skeleton outfit, gesturing boldly against a black background.] SABURO: --SKULLOMANIA, SALES MASCOT! [---] Mentor, Minute Man and El Diablo looked at Skullomania, puzzled. "Selling toys?" said Minute Man. "That doesn't seem very heroic to me." "Oh, well, there's more to the story," said Skullomania. "Later that day..." [---] NARRATOR: Later that day! [Still: A hooded thug is running away from the other salesman's booth with a wallet in his hand.] SALESMAN: Hey! That guy's stealing my wallet! Somebody stop him! SKULLOMANIA: Sorry, pal. I'm just a salesman. I'm not paid to fight crime. NARRATOR: Skullomania returns to his aunt and uncle's home at the end of the day. [Still: Skullomania entering an apartment with a few grocery bags in his hands.] SKULLOMANIA: Uncle! Aunt! I'm home! Look at the cool new costume I have! UNCLE'S VOICE: Uggggrrr... [Still: Skullomania rushing to the side of his fallen uncle, who is bleeding from a wound.] SKULLOMANIA: No! Uncle Benimaru! [Still: Skullomania rushing towards a shadowy figure trying to escape out the window.] SKULLOMANIA: You killed Uncle Benimaru! You'll pay! NARRATOR: Skullomania siezes the burglar, but to his surprise! [Still: The burglar, being held by Skullomania, is reavealed as the same robber who he failed to stop earlier.] SKULLOMANIA: You! No...I could have stopped you before! It's my fault Uncle Benimaru is dead! [Still: Skullomania posing majestically towards the camera as the burglar runs out the window.] BURGLAR: So long, bonehead! AIEEE! I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE FIRST FLOOOOOoooorrrrrrrrrr...! [Sound effect: Splat!] SKULLOMANIA: From this day forward, I shall dedicate my life to the eradication of crime, wherever I see it! So says SKULLOMANIA, SUPERHERO! [---] El Diablo, scratched his head. "Something fishy about your story. I mean, being bit by a skeleton gave you a costume? You've got to be making that up!" Skullomania laughed nervously. "Exactly what kind of superpowers do you have, anyway?" asked Minute Man. "Super-strong skeletal structure?" "Nah, that's Wolverine." "Perhaps the ability to grow bone weapons and throw them at the enemy," suggested Mentor. "That's Marrow." "Maybe he has creepy fear-inducing powers!" said El Diablo. "Huh? Oh, none of those," said Skullomania. "Actually, it was awhile before I got a real superpower. But I have one now! I die and come right back to life!" "That's a weird power, mister!" said a blue little girl floating out of the entrance of the Freedom Fortress. She was followed by a guy wearing goggles and mechanical antennae holding a bunch of tiny canisters in his hands. "Hey, it's the Sea Urchin! And the Ant!" gushed Skullomania. "It's like a silver-age superhero reunion!" He rushed over to shake the girl's hand. "Wait, watch it, I'm covered in poison right now--" "YYEAAAIIIGH!" screamed Skullomania as he pulled his hand back with a poisonous spine in it. He stumbled into the Ant, and the insectoid man's collection of acid grenades spontaneously exploded all over him. The skeleton-themed superhero was suddenly turned into a real skeleton as all his flesh melted right off his bones, only to clatter to the ground a second later. Sea Urchin shrieked while the Ant tried to stammer out an apology, but before either of them got far Skullomania respawned again, dropping out of the sky. "See?" he said. "Totally unkillable! That's why I'm the Undying Skullomania!" "A most useful ability!" said Mentor. "Coupled with your indomitable hero's spirit, you must be a formidable ally in the fight against evil!" "That's right!" said Skullo. "I'm the number one hero in Southtown right now. You want to hang with me and fight crime for a while? It'll be totally cool!" "Hmm," pondered Minute Man. "I suppose we could...'hang,' as you say." "Good," said Skullomania. "Oh, by the way...you can't just park your Freedom Fortress there. You're going to need a permit from the Mayor." "Oooh! Can I go see the malls?" said Sea Urchin, bouncing up and down. "I want to see all the future stuff! Flying cars and floating rings and lasers and spaceships!" "Oh, all right," said Minute Man. "Just make sure you're back by supper! I wouldn't want you to miss out us trying the strange, futuristic pill-foods of the 21st century!" "Thanks!" The blue girl flew off singing the Jetson's theme song. [---] Police Commissioner Sawada leaned back in his chair and crossed off another part of the list of crossword clues. Today he had broken a new record for the number of crossword puzzles completed. He was feeling pretty pleased with himself; nothing could get him down. Chief Stryker rushed into Sawada's office waving papers around. "Commissioner! Commissioner!" he yelled. "Ah, just in time," said Sawada. "What's a ten-letter word for 'fired?'" "Terminated," came a sharp, Spanish-accented female voice. "Commissioner, I'm sorry," said Stryker. "I was trying to warn you sooner but I just found out five minutes ago myself!" "Oh, what? What could possibly--say!" Sawada eyed the woman storming into his office. Instead of the usual human police officer he was expecting, this one was some kind of black-haired fox woman wearing a halter top and a badge around a collar on her neck. "Ah! You must be the new recruit for the K-9 unit. Welcome aboard!" The fox lady fixed her steely gaze at the commish. "I'm Inspector Carmelita Fox, and I'm taking your job, commissioner." Sawada laughed. "She's serious," said Stryker. "She's got it in writing and everything from the city council." "Whaaaaat?!" Sawada dropped his crossword puzzle book and reached out to snatch the papers Carmelita was holding out. He peered at them closely. "I don't understand. There must be some mistake; I remember clearly being promised that I would hold this job until my dying day." "Yes, but the deal you struck has been invalidated," said Carmelita. "It seems there's a bit of a legal discrepancy about whether or not your soul was actually yours to sell in the first place, assuming you even had one." "This is impossible!" Sawada searched the papers for some kind of technicality that would let him evade this legal action. Finding none, he angrily tore them apart. "You can't get away with this!" "No, you can't get away with this!" snapped Carmelita. "Your entire police department has been nothing but a bunch of weak-willed, sloppy incompetents under your command, unfit for any law enforcement beyond handing out parking tickets and directing traffic! I'm going to change that. We won't have to rely on unpredictable vigilante justice to do things as long as I'm in charge." Sawada couldn't think of a lot of arguments that made sense. He got out of his chair, stammering out a few parts of incomplete sentences as some uniformed officers came into the office. "Start clearing out our retired commissioner's personal items," directed Carmelita. "Starting with that!" She pointed at the Battlersignal. [---] Cracker Jack slumped on the couch in the employee lounge of Violence Unlimited. A three-day stubble was covering his chin and his pants were covered in the crumbs of potato chips. Ever since the Mayor had licensed Skullomania, crime fighting and vigilante justice for hire just wasn't as profitable or exciting as it used to be, and in his depression, he was really letting himself go. He burped and passed the Fritos bag to Poison, who was also watching the news with the hopes of some public disaster or something they could cash in on. "Today is the day that the infamous Delita Hyrul, Southtown attorney and friend to football star Brian Battler, went in for surgery to have an artificial nose installed on his noseless face," said Simon Belmont on the TV. "Delita is better known by some as the duplicitous villain Turn-Face, obsessed with destroying the elite ruling class of society and betraying as many people as possible. Turn-Face was eventually captured and has been in therapy for his compulsive treachery." The picture changed to that of the famous physician, Dr. Robotnik. "Delita has been making some excellent progress lately, and we feel that by correcting his facial defect we can help him overcome his need to double-cross everyone he meets," said the egg-shaped doctor. "His obsession began when he started betraying client-attorney confidentiality to implicate royal asshole Algus in the wrongful detonation of his sister. Eventually he wound up befriending and betraying anyone he could just to get ahead in life. He was out of control. But his therapists and I are finally sure that he won't betray anyone ever again." The picture changed to a video of Delita getting prepped for surgery. Just before the anesthesiologist put the gas mask on him, he said, "I super-duper promise never to ever backstab anyone again, cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye." "Bo-ring," said Poison. "Say, CJ, whatever happened to that Hotel Deception, anyway?" "Oh, that place," snorted CJ. "I heard it got bought out by some prince from Persia. Said it'd make a great gym with all the horrible deathtraps in it, or something. Man, rich people are weird." "I wish I was rich," said Poison. "I wish I just had a better excuse to beat people's heads in," said CJ. "With Skullomania running around ruining it for the rest of us...and I can't even beat his head in, since he'll get better in a second." "Say, CJ," said Poison, sitting up. "You still have those Battlertoads hanging around?" "Nah, I sent 'em packing," said CJ, brushing a few crumbs from his face. "They were good for a start, but I realized, why bother paying them when I already have a torture master working for me?" [---] Deep in the basement, Sharon struggled in her restraints. She had resolved that the first thing she would do if she got free would not be to hunt down CJ like a dog, but rather to burst her own eardrums. "So, that wraps up my family's involvement in the Great Turnip War of the second age," said Jan, happily stewing some turnips in a boiling pot. "Quite an epic tale, but no more needs to be said after that." Sharon slumped in her chains in relief. "Of course, it was only ten years later that Turnip War II began between the Picklenose Clan and the Mossfoot Clan. It all started when Yorick Reedsnapper staged a sneak attack on a nearby dwarf city..." Sharon screeched through her gag. [---] "I think I'll give her another couple of days," sneered CJ. "Then we'll see if she feels like going back to massage duty." An emergency news bulletin broke through the current broadcast. "This is some breaking news," said Simon Belmont. "It seems that Turn-Face has struck again! Shortly after coming out of surgery, the supervillain broke his promise to quit smoking and stabbed his surgeon in the eye with a burning cigar. He escaped in a getaway car waiting outside the hospital after disguising himself as a doctor and taking Nurse Joy hostage, using the gift sword he promised police he'd never use." CJ flipped the TV off. "Hey, Rock!" The new recruit hurried up to his boss, mop held expectantly in hand. "Feel like like joining us on poker night tonight?" "Would I! Wow, Jae was right, you're the best boss ever!" "Better go home and clean yourself up first, then," said CJ. Poison turned to CJ with an incredulous look on hir face. "That was uncharacteristically nice of you." "Not really," said CJ. "I just want a chance to win his paycheck back." [---] In stately Battler Manor, the aging, ever-fattening Brian Battler glowered at the television report on Turn-Face. Some people do not take to retirement well, and no better example than this was Brian. In the week that he'd been retired his hair had turned grey and he'd gained 30 pounds. But seeing his old friend on the screen ignited something deep within him, the fire that had made him become Battlerman in the first place. A lightning bolt crackled ominously across the sky. Well, it would have been ominous if it wasn't accompanied by a yellow rat screaming "PIKAAAAA!" He knew what he had to do. Battlerman had to come out of retirement, one last time, to bring in an old friend before he hurt someone else. But first, he had to finish his bag of pork rinds. [---] Rock hurried into the basement to put the mop away in the cleaning supplies closet. Already the images of him showing off full houses and raking in piles of poker chips were running through his head. Looking at the grimy condition of the basement floor, though, he decided he might as well do a thorough job and clean up the mess down here as well. He turned a corner and found another staircase leading deeper into the depths of the building. Curious, he went down, finding himself in some kind of earthen cellar filled with sacks of turnips and shelves of strange gadgets. Chained to a chair in the center of the room was Sharon, who woke up when the muscular janitor walked in. "Oh, so that's where you were, " said Rock. Sharon mumbled something through her gag. "What?" "MMMMmmph-mmm-mmrrrm-mrr!" "Huh?" "RRRRRRMGH!" Rock stepped over and removed her gag. "What was that again?" "I said," hissed Sharon, "don't wake him!" She nodded to a nearby hammock where the gnome was snoozing with turnips stuffed under his armpits. "Oh." Rock paused for a moment. "Okay, I won't." He started to put the gag back on. "No, no, wait!" said Sharon as loudly as she dared. "What?" "Could you please untie me?" Sharon looked up at Rock with the most plainative puppy-dog eyes she could manage in her state. "Ummm," thought Rock. "I don't really think I'm supposed to do that." "Please!" said Sharon. "I'll do anything you ask! I don't deserve this!" Rock thought for a moment. "Anything?" Sharon's lower lip quivered. "Anything," she said, lowering her eyes. Oh, God, she thought. Not again. "All right," said Rock. "I'll let you go if you promise to devote your life to justice." "W...what?" "You heard me," said Rock. "You need to uphold truth, justice and cleanliness. Only dispose of waste in properly marked trash receptacles. Always flush the toilet. Stop litter in all its forms. Make use of recyclable materials, just like Jae recycles evil into good. Use a coaster when putting a drink on a table. Don't put gum underneath tables and desks. And don't throw popcorn around the movie theater." "You can't be serious," said Sharon incredulously. "I am!" said Rock. "Jae taught me the value of justice, and there are few things more important and just than cleanliness. Now, do you swear by my mop to uphold all the things I told you?" Sharon glanced at the gnome, shuddered, glanced back at Rock, shrugged and gave a tiny laugh. "Sure. I guess I could give justice a try." "All right, then!" said Rock. He gingerly tiptoed over to Jan and pulled a key from the gnome's utility belt. The gnome snorted once and said something that sounded like "No, Uncle Scratchy! Bad touch!" but his sleeping was otherwise undisturbed. "Just remember your promise!" said Rock as he started unlocking Sharon's chains. "Just justice. No revenge, which means no trying to kill my boss. Unless he actually turns evil and, like, starts spraying graffiti all over the restroom walls." The last lock fell apart and her chains fell to the ground. "You've got my word," said Sharon. She rubbed her wrists, stomped her feet to get the circulation going again, gave Rock a tiny kiss on the cheek and ran up the stairs. Rock blinked and put one hand to his cheek. "Gee." "Waugh! Get off me, you hairy eagles! G-whu?" Jan woke up from his daily nightmare of being eaten alive by griffins and looked around. "Hey, new guy. Where'd Sharon go?" "Dunno," said Rock. "Didn't say where she was headed." "Fiddlesticks! I never got to tell her about--" Rock ran up the stairs and slammed the door shut before he had to listen to another word. [---] Battlerman swung on his Battlerang's rope over the alleyways of Southtown, towards the sounds of a shootout. His clogged heart beat hard in his chest, and were he an older man, he surely would have had a heart attack. But putting on the old gear and taking to the rooftops again had rejuvenated him. He was a man of thirty -- of twenty -- again. He was reborn. It was a simple matter of tracking the getaway car; the police had done half the work for him. It had led the cops on a wild chase, but the driver had been able to fool most of the pursuing cops, except for one single police cruiser, which had rammed the getaway car, pinning it right next to an alleyway. Battlerman had just arrived there moments after this happened. He swooped down into an alleyway where a pair of police officers was pursuing a man wearing bandages all over his face. "Whoah--is that Battlerman?" asked the shorter, fatter cop. "He's back!" "It doesn't matter!" said the tall, thin cop. "If he gets in our way I'll cap him too!" Battlerman turned to face the cops and fixed them with a steely gaze. "This man is MINE!" The shorter cop put a hand on the taller one's shoulder. "You heard the man, Bert." Battlerman rushed into the darkness after the bandaged bandit. Sounds of a struggle, including the odd "BIFF!" and "WHAMMO!" came from around the corner. "I'm going in!" said Bert. "I don't care who he is, Ernie, this is our collar! Besides, Battlerman is just a washed-up old fatso." "Ha! I used to be just like you," said Ernie. "Dumb rookie the first time I met Battlerman." "What the hell are you talking about?" said Bert. "You've been on the force for one week longer than I have!" Someone squealed like a stuck pig in the alleyway, followed by the cry of "Okay! Okay! I give! I'll tell you what you want!" Ernie grinned. "He's still got it!" The squealer continued. "Allright! Allright, dammit! The secret ingredient to Battlerpie is rum! Rum!" Another voice laughed. "Okay, it's a deal, then." A noise of ripping cloth. "I'm really not Turn-Face. Delita just used me as a distraction. He was in an ambulance when I took off. The clue he told me to give you was 'The greatest number of double-crosses in a single day.'" A man walked out of the alleyway, holding the remains of bandages in his hands. "Hello, officers!" he said. "You'd better get in there, there's a dangerous vigilante back there!" "Good enough for me!" said Bert. He charged into the alley, firing his gun. Ernie watched the man holding bandages get into the police car, steal the shotgun, hotwire the car and take off with the siren blaring. "Hey...wait a minute..." [---] "There you go, one emergency zoning permit," said Mayor Rodriguez, passing the paper to the Japanese man in a business suit across the desk. "So what business are you fellows in, anyway?" "Er, toy factory," said the Japanese man, Saburo Nisikoyama. "Superhero toys!" "Okay," said Rodriguez. His phone started ringing and he picked it up. "What's that? A band of supervillains? City in danger? All right! I get to use the Skullo-Signal!" He turned to a bust of John Malkovich, flipped it over and began pressing the hidden button. A buzzing noise came from Saburo's pocket. He and the other men in suits glanced at each other uncomfortably. "I think we should go now, " he said. "No, wait! Stay and meet the superheroes!" said the mayor, punching the Skullo-Signal again. "I hear Skullomania's teamed up with a bunch of superheroes from the 60s, it'll be great!" He continued jabbing the button. "Come on, what's wrong with this thing? He's usually here by now." The Latino man's hands ignited. "AAAAIIIIEE! Spontaneous combustion!" he yelled. He ran out the door waving his arms around like torches. "Ah, yes, and my human condition of gigantism requires that I receive my medication, which is at home," said the man with the enlarged head. He ran out the door as well. "And I'm tired of living!" said Saburo. He ran through the window of the Mayor's high-rise office and fell screaming to his death below. An instant later Skullomania crashed into the office through a different window. Freedom Force rushed into the office from the doorway to join him. "Skullomania! Mentor! Diablo! Minute Man! Thank goodness you've arrived!" said the mayor. "We have a terrible situation. I've just received an anonymous tip that a vicious gang of jewel thieves, the Schroedingers, are stealing the Chaos Emerald from the Southtown Natural History Museum." "The fiends!" cried Skullomania. "The Schroedingers have four members. Their leader, Maya Schroedinger, a ruthless young woman with lots of guns and the ability to turn into fictional characters! Her little brother Alfred, the demolitions expert! Shady, a flying cat that breaths fire! And finally, an afroed, sword-wielding butler, Todd, aka 'Black Fenrir!'" "We shall not let you down, Mayor!" said Mentor. "Your precious compacted, cut and buffed Earth minerals shall be safe from theft!" "To the Freedom Flyer!" cried Minute Man. Freedom Force hustled out of the office. "See you guys when I respawn there!" said Skullo. He took a flying leap through yet another closed window. Rodriguez glanced out of his shattered office window at the splattered Skullomania and the splattered remains of his civilian alter ego. He wondered if there was a market for selling Skullomania organs. [---] The man wearing many, many bandages over his face held the trembling nurse at swordpoint. He was yelling into a camera he had set up to contact the media. "I want five million dollars in unmarked bills delivered to the specified location within thirty minutes!" he yelled. "If my demands are not met, not only will this hostage die, but I guarantee one of the key structural points of your commercial infrastructure will be destroyed beyond repair! I've got lots of explosives, and they WILL go off. That's not a promise. It's a fact!" "I knew you'd be here, Delita," came a voice. Turn-Face whirled around. "Battlerman!" he exclaimed. "So, you figured it out, did you? My target was the freight-train crossroads. Hundreds of double-crosses all over the ground and the very heart of the shipping industry! What better place, eh?" He laughed hoarsely. "I can't let you do it," said Battlerman, drawing a Battlerrang from his utility belt. "Bring it on, Battly!" said Turn-Face, whirling his sword in a circle. [---] "Oh, Trowa!" "Oh, Quatre!" "Oh, Roll!" "Oh, Rock!" "Oh, Aunt Jemima!" "Oh, Betty Crocker!" "Oh, Orville Redenbacher!" "Oh, my God," said Megaman X. "I can't believe I just photographed that, touched it up in Photoshop, e-mailed it to my worst enemy and had him publish it in Orgy Magazine!" [---] The bandaged man collapsed on the ground. "I can't...can't believe it. My beautiful plans...I was a good sport, wasn't I, Battly?" He ripped the bandages from his face, revealing his perfect new nose. "I kept all my promises for so long, smiled when they asked me to, acted like a good boy. It was so hard to fool them all, but at least I got a free nose job out of it! Look at me! LOOK AT ME!" Battlerman closed his eyes. In his mind's eye, he imagined Delita, not as he was on the outside, but as he appeared on the inside. "I see…a reflection, Delita. A giant rodeo clown, with a pork sausage in one hand and a copy of the Wall Street Journal in the other." Turn-Face just stared at Battlerman. Battlerman shook his head and opened his eyes. "I'm going to have to take you in, Delita," he said. "Better make it a fast one, Battly," said Turn-Face. "After all, the explosives are about to go off." "What!?" Battlerman swirled his rotund torso around. "But I thought you said--" "I said they WILL go off," sneered the broken supervillain. "Oops. Sorry. Did I betray your expectations?" [---] Deep in the Southtown Sanitarium for the Super-Insane, the Smoker sat and stared listlessly at the television set. Aside from repeatedly sparking the flint on the lighter his left hand, he was completely motionless, his eyes blank and uncomprehending. Simon Belmont appeared on the TV in the common room for another Belmont Family News Factor. "This evening, Battlerman shocked the world by pulling a Michael Jordan and coming out of retirement barely a week after he declared he'd hang up his cape for good," said Belmont. "He engaged his longtime foe and once friend, Turn-Face, bare-knuckled in a minefield--hey, just like Solid Snake and Grey Fox! Now that was a real fight! -- shortly before setting off all the explosives and destroying the train yards, in an unsurprising example of Battlerman competence. Turn-Face and his hostage were rescued dramatically in the nick of time." The Smoker stopped sparking his lighter. He continued to stare at the TV, but his lips twitched. Slowly, they began to form a word. "Bbbbbbbb..." "Countless property damage has occurred, sparking hot pro- and anti-Battlerman debates on tons of talk shows. Really, people," said Simon, shaking his head in disgust. "Don't you have anything better to do with your lives?" "Bbbbbbaaaaaatllleeerrr..." muttered the Smoker. A smile reached his lips. He raised the cigarette in his right hand to his lips and lit it with the lighter in his left. He puffed on the cigarette and blew out a stream of smoke. "Battlerman. My dear Battlerman." He laughed, loud and strong. Then he coughed for five full minutes. [---] "Hold it right there, Schroedingers!" commanded Skullomania, standing authoritatively at the blast area where the doors to the museum used to be. Freedom Force posed photographically at his sides. "Put back that emerald and submit to the authorities!" "HA! Maya Schroedinger never gives up!" yelled the leather-bodiced gunslinger girl. "Schroedinger Family, let 'em have it!" The two groups charged each other and commenced to rumble most awesomely. Maya drew an improbably large Vulcan cannon out from somewhere underneath her skirt and fired a torrent of bullets at the patriotic Minute Man, who twirled his staff to deflect the shots. Skullomania rushed Todd, only to be sliced in half by the butler's cane sword. Mentor sent the wimpy kid Alfred into a berserker rage with his mind, making him forget about tossing his Molotov cocktails and pounding at the alien with his puny fists. A blast of fire from El Diablo set Todd's afro ablaze. Shady retaliated by breathing some fire of his own onto Mentor, but being bald, it didn't have quite the same effect on him. A sharp track whistle blew. "HALT!" The two struggling teams briefly paused at the imperious command. A man dressed in ornate medieval armor appeared out of thin air, riding an armored, oversized yellow bird of some sort. He held up one hand in the universal "stop" gesture. "ILLEGAL USE OF FIRE IN THIS ENGAGEMENT," he said. "YELLOW CARDS TO OFFENDERS. REPEAT OFFENCE WILL RESULT IN IMMEDIATE IMPRISONMENT." Everyone else replied with a collective, "Huh?" "IT IS THE NEW SPECIAL LAW HANDED DOWN BY THE MASTER OF THE CITY. NO FIRE TO BE USED IN FIGHTS TODAY." Mentor put his hands to his huge temples. "I detect no life force behind this being's appearance. Who is this 'Master of the City,' if not the mayor?" "KYO KUSANAGI." The winged, masked cat-thing, Shady, snorted. "We're already criminals. Why should I give a crap?" He blew a fireball at the armored rider. The fireball passed right through the rider as though he was a ghost. "RED CARD!" Shady's eyes bugged out. White translucent chains shot out of the ground underneath him, ensnaring the little cat-thing's body. Still struggling against them, he was pulled into a portal in the ground and vanished with a pop. "Holy crap!" said the respawned Skullomania. "I guess we'd better not use fire." "No fire?" whimpered El Diablo. "B-b-but that's my only superpower! I even need fire to fly around! What am I going to defeat them with, my stunning Latin charm?" The others shrugged impotently at him. "Well, thanks a lot, guys! I'm going to a bar." He stormed off in a huff. "Three to three," said Maya. "Now, where were we? Oh, that's right!" She reached under her skirt and drew out a bazooka. [---] Kyo Kusanagi giggled evilly to himself in his high-rise office. He stared into the mirror he had set up on the desk and peered at his perceived reflection of Blackheart. "Using the Judge was a great idea! I can't believe you never told me about him before!" "Of course," said Blackheart, "his anti-fire rule is only in effect one day of the week. But I believe he will be most useful in tightening our grip on the city." "And we're going to get even more powerful as time passes!" said Kyo. He stroked his hair, which had turned black and was beginning to get rather spiky. "This calls for celebration." He buzzed the intercom. "Send in a Kyo clone!" Kyo crossed his office to the minibar and poured himself some vodka as a clone entered the office timorously. "Y-y-y-you wanted to see me, sir?" "Yes," said Kyo. "We're going to play a little game. You use the letter E, I make your life a universe of pain. Now, tell me, why shouldn't I fire you?" Sweat dripped down the clone's face. "I...um...I...am...a good work-man..." Kyo clapped his free hand against his thigh. "Very good! Very good! Relax, have a drink." The clone laughed nervously along with Kyo. "So, you were joking--" Kyo threw his drink in the clone's face. "WHAT DID I TELL YOU!?" he shrieked. He shot a spark out of his finger at the clone, turning him into a howling silhouette in a column of fire. Deep inside, the original Kyo Kusanagi shuddered at the evil monster he had become. But that was just a tiny voice drowned out by the laugh of the most powerful man in Southtown. [---] "He kills mosquitoes by eating a gallon of Tabasco sauce and letting them sting him!" "He created Alf in the 80's!" "And New Wave!" "He stepped on a pile of coal once and turned it to diamonds!" "He ate a quarter and it came out two dimes and a nickel!" "He hundred-hand-slapped a car to pieces, and then put it back together just by stomping on the ground!" "TO E. HONDA!" El Diablo wandered into the bar. "Hey, you guys talking about E. Honda? Seven feet tall, one thousand pounds?" "You bet we are!" "I was there when he was BORN, jefe!" said El Diablo. "The earth split apart, but his personal gravity pulled it back together again!" "Buy that man a drink!" "TO E. HONDA!" [---] "Ha ha! Justice triumphs again!" said Skullomania, gazing into the Chaos Emerald. He had one foot on the back of the fallen Maya, and Mentor and Minute Man were tying up the other two jewel thieves. He squinted his eye as he saw his reflection in the gem move. It was walking towards him. Then he realized he wasn't looking at a reflection at all, but rather through the gem. He put it away less than a second before a fist exploded through his skull. Mentor and Minute Man jumped up from their knot-tying to face this new adversary. He looked just like Skullomania, only taller, more muscular and scarier. The doppelganger shook the bits of Skullo-brain from his hand and crossed his arms over his chest. "Who are you?" demanded Minute Man. "Yeah!" added Skullomania, running into the building. "I am Shadowgeist," said the man. "If the name means nothing to you, know that it is your worst nightmare!" "FOR FREEDOM!" catchphrased Minute Man, swinging his eagle staff. Shadowgeist caught the staff in one hand, kicked out the hero's feet from under him and threw the Captain America ripoff into a support column, cracking it. The ceiling over Minute Man collapsed, burying him in a pile of rubble. "SUNS OF SHAKAR!" intoned Mentor. He levitated off the ground, gathering mental strength for his psychic blast. Too late, he realized that he had already been kicked out the hole in the wall and was sailing over the city. Shadowgeist cracked his knuckles and turned towards Skullomania. "Now for you." "Hey, you look just like me!" Tears ran down the hero's face. "I've got my very own arch nemesis look-alike! I truly am a superhero this day!" Shadowgeist seized Skullomania by the throat and lifted him off the ground. He squeezed just enough to make him gasp and claw helplessly at the villain's hand. "They say you're unkillable now, Skullomania," he breathed. "I think that's wrong." He threw Skullomania to the ground, still holding him by the neck. Using one foot to pin his lower body to the floor, he jerked sideways, snapping Skullomania's neck. "Nope. That's entirely wrong," he said. "If anything, you're even more killable than you ever were. Most people can only die once." Skullomania appeared again, a few feet away. "You'll never win! As long as you keep killing me, I'll keep coming back!" A deep laugh bubbled up from within Shadowgeist. "Oh, I'm not going to even try to kill you permanently," he said. "No. I'm just going to make you feel the mind-shattering agony of being killed ten thousand times in seventeen minutes. Starting...now!" Skullomania gulped. [---] "Now!" cried Quan Chi. "Now is the time for Phase 2 of Plan C. While Shadowgeist has Skullomania distracted, we can make our move!" "Ummmmm," said Moloch. "What move?" "You fool! I already explained Phase 2 to you!" Quan Chi waved his arms around angrily. "No you didn't!" said Drahmin. "Yes, I did!" "No, you didn't! You just mumbled!" "SHUT UP!" Quan Chi paced, fuming. "Now we have to call off Shadowgeist and tell him to start again some other time, since you DOLTS obviously can't remember something as stimple as a three-step plan." "But you no have plan." said Moloch. "SHUT UP!" [---] Skullomania dizzily swayed back and forth over the carnage that had once been the Natural History Museum. Hundreds of Skullo-corpses littered the ground, some merely killed with twisted necks or torn-out hearts, but most destroyed in viciously creative ways. Some had been clubbed to death with ripped-off Skullo arms, others had choked with dismembered Skullo feet stuffed down their throats, and a few had had entire other Skullomanias thrown completely through their bodies. Shadowgeist plunged his fist straight through the living Skullomania's head. Skullomania respawned immediately behind his last body, but without missing a beat, Shadowgeist grabbed him by the throat and yanked him through the hole in the previous corpse. He impaled the second Skullomania with a kick and ripped the top half of his torso (still attached to his foot) off. Skullo respawned again and Shadowgeist kicked the torso off his leg into the new Skullomania with enough force to make the corpse's skull plunge straight into his ribcage. Skullomania appeared several feet away, seemingly disoriented more and more with each death he sustained. Shadowgeist took a step towards him with intent to continue the one-man slaughter, but then he paused. "What?" he said, seemingly to the air. "Stop? Right now, when I'm having fun?" A pause. "Oh, very well, then..." He backed away from Skullomania, a deep laugh rumbling from within him. "It's your lucky day. I only managed to kill you 1,242 times; just imagine what I could do to that tiny mind of yours at ten times that number. We'll meet again, Saburo!" The villain leaped away, cackling. Skullomania was stunned. "He...he knows me? He knows who I am? But how?" Any further musing on the breach of his secret identity would have to wait, however, as Mentor floated into the building. "Ah! Skullomania, I see you have defeated our foe already!" said the alien. "It is most fortunate you are immortal; this was clearly a mighty battle between titans!" "Yeah! I showed him who's boss!" said Skullo. "What an unsightly mess!" renarked Minute Man, crawling out of the corpse-covered debris he had been trapped in. "I don't know," said Skullo. "Could be worse." "HOW?!" demanded Minute Man. "Could be raining," said Skullo. Right on cue, thunder crackled and the skies began pouring water through the many holes in the ceiling. Minute Man glowered at him, but fortunately, a lightning bolt chose that moment to incinerate Skullomania, allowing him to respawn to a less-embarrassing location. [---] Far from the battle, the rain began to soak into the stinking trash heaps that made up the Southtown City Dump. Stinking piles of human trash began to gather around the inanimate ones, gathering around a gigantic, muscular, fat, bald man wearing a glowing red visor. He climbed to the highest trash pile and began speaking to the other degenerates, who had also donned red visors to imitate their leader. "They say old Battlerman came back," he yelled. "They say he strong. I'm the leader of Da Mutants, and I say he weak, stupid old man! I will break the Battlerman over my leg! I will belch louder! I will out-eat him!" "Hey, did he just say he'd eat out Battlerman?" asked one of Da Mutants, a porcine clay opera singer dressed as a Valkyrie wearing a shirt that said "My Name Is Helga." "Southtown is mine!" yelled the hulk. "Southtown belongs to Da Mutants, and Da Mutants belong to me, Earthquake!" The rest of Da Mutants roared. "Find the stupid old police man, Sawada. Kill him dead. I will carry his head on a pike, and chew on his toes--" A mutant rushed up to Earthquake and whispered something in his ear. "Oh. Okay. Bring me the new cop, the woman cop, the fox cop! I will cut off her head and make a cape out of her pelt! I will crush the fools who run this city! No one can stop me!" The dump shuddered with the cheers of Da Mutants. [---] Author's Notes: Man, that took awhile to crank out. But since there was no deadline this time (and nobody signed up after me) I wanted to take the time to make sure that it was going to be the very best I could make it. I wanted to do something with a lot of superheros, and with the DKR arc Gavok set up in the last chapter, it was the perfect opportunity. I confess to ripping off Doom's flashback from Invader Zim, Freedom Force Meets the Mayor from Futurama, and a lot of Shadowgeist from The Toilet's third Steven Segall flash cartoon, but borrowing a lot of jokes and scenes from other things is kind of an FAJ motif. We should put a list of all the stolen/parodied ideas in that extras section underneath the chapter list. [---] "So, Minute Man," said Mayor Rodriguez, "how do you like the 21st century?" "Pretty cool, Mr. Mayor, pretty cool," said Minute Man. "That's my boy!" said Rodriguez. "I knew you'd--" "--however, I fear that I must leave now and find a way to return to the 60s." "What? Why?" said the Mayor. The rest of Freedom Force assembled in his office looked at Minute Man with equal surprise. "You've got to be kidding!" said El Diablo. "They've got this great bar and diner just down the street--it's unbelievable." "They've developed an incredible information-sharing system called the Internet!" said the geeky Ant. "With all these free pictures of naked --I mean, libraries of free data!" "They've got video games!" squealed Sea Urchin, who was now sporting some cool shades and an oversized "I Luv Southtown" t-shirt. "And they are one step closer to developing intergalactic space travel and getting me off this planet," added Mentor grimly. "Those are all good reasons," said Minute Man, "But these are troubled times. Licenced superheros? Zoning permits for crimefighting headquarters? Moral ambiguity? There aren't even any commies to defeat anymore! No, I shall leave and attempt to return to the simpler days of the 60s. Or better yet, the 40s, so I can finally achieve my dream of striking a blow against the hated Nazis." "Look, if you want to beat up a Nazi, I'm sure I could dig up an old Nazi cyborg or something," said the Mayor. "Maybe there's a leftover Soviet android from the Reagan years you can tussle with." "Hardly a fitting substitute for real justice," said Minute Man. "Farewell, Mr. Mayor! Freedom Force, are you with me?" The rest of Freedom Force looked at each other uncomfortably. "Can you give us a week to think about it?" asked the Ant. [---] Meanwhile, deep in a former Soviet Union military base, two Russian Army guards investigated a strange noise from a corner of the warehouse they were guarding. Rifles at the ready, they approached a large, refridgerator-sized crate, which was making beeping noises. One cautious footstep after another, they got close to it, until the front side of the crate exploded outwards, knocking the guards on their butts. A stocky man made out of ice, wearing the tatters of a USSR uniform and a fur hat with a red sickle and hammer on it, stormed out of the metallic coffin inside the crate. He glowered down at the guards evilly. "I am Lt. Colonel Suhkov. My cryogenic capsule has revived me, which can mean only one thing; my most hated foe, Minute Man, walks the earth again." Suhkov grabbed one of the men and pulled him to his feet. "You shall fetch a car and deliver me to this base's nuclear bomb storage facility." "What?" said the poor man. "We haven't had any nuclear weapons on this base for years!" The iceman pulled the guard close to his face until his frosty breath formed ice crystals on the guard's nose. "Explain." "There's been a lot of disarmament in the past few years, ever since the Soviet Union collapsed--" "Collapsed?!" exclaimed Suhkov. "Impossible! You lie!" He threw the guard to the ground and froze him solid with a freezing blast from his arm. "He was telling the truth!" blubbered the other guard, trying to scramble to his feet on the slippery ice. "We don't use bombs anymore. It's all missiles and Metal Gears these days." "Then you shall take me to one of these others," commanded the iceman. "The Soviet Union still exists as long as my chilly heart beats. Nuclear fire shall clense the city protected by the Minute Man. And all that shall be left afterwards will be me: Nuclear Winter!"