"It's time to flip out and check my email! Huttah!" Eiji opened the first e- mail at the top of his inbox and read it aloud. Hi, Eiji. This is Demitri from Romania and I was wondering if you could teach me to be as totally sweet as you. I am a vampire and "And what?" said Eiji to the screen. "I am a vampire, and here's a million dollars...or, I am a vampire and I want to give you a castle? I mean, what the - - wait a minute. Oh, no! I get it. They got him!" Eiji began crying. "Somebody stabbed him with a stake through the heart! Nooo..." [---] "Bleah! Who dares disturb Demitri while he is composing email?" The vampire turned from his pipe organ PC to glower at the fools who dared enter his private sanctum. "RAAARRRGH!" said Rick by way of introducing himself. The psycho charged at Demitri howling so loudly that the wolves outside the mansion began singing along with him. Demitri's form blurred to one side just before Rick plowed into him. Instead of crushing the vampire as he intended, Rick's head went straight into the monitor. He struggled to get out, but the various electrical shocks to his head were disrupting his fine motor control. "We're here to stop you and your evil blood-sucking once and for all, vampire!" cried Yuna, striking a backlit pose with Miku and Luigi against the doorframe to the main hall. "The Ghostdusters are here for you!" "Bleah! I love it when pretty girls fight against me...their struggle makes the blood all the sweeter!" Demitri licked his tongue over his fangs. "Let's see how you like it when I cast Holy on yo-AUGH!" Before Yuna could even begin to cast the spell, Demitri was already across the room. One vampire-strength punch to the face later and she was sprawled on the floor, out cold. Demitri turned on Miku, who backed away shivering while fiddling with her camera. "Bleah! Such a sweet, pure little girl. Don't worry, you won't even feel a thing." Miku pointed her camera and flashed him. The symbol of the "PUSH" spiritual stone glowed across Demitri's chest, and an invisible force thrust him backwards about ten feet. Demitri's feet skidded on the carpet, but he regained his balance almost immediately. "Bleah! Not bad, little girl, but you'll not surprise me like that a second time. MIDNIGHT--OOF!" Luigi, who again had been ignored while he was building up power, pounded straight into Demitri's chest and knocked him on his back. The little plumber drew a wooden stake from his green overalls and pulled his arm back to plunge it into the bloodsucker's chest. With a snap, Demitri's left hand closed over Luigi's stake arm. He got to his feet, still dangling Luigi by the arm. Luigi tried to kick at him again to push off, but his stubby legs couldn't reach the vampire's body. "Bleah! Strange little vacuum-man, you nearly had me. But now I shall feast upon you as your friends watch!" Demitri cradled his jaw in contemplation for a second. "I do so prefer tasting the blood of pretty girls to bizarre little men like you, though." Demitri opened his fanged jaws wide and lifted Luigi over his head. "MIDNIGHT BLISS!" "TAKE THIS!" Rick hurled the wooden leg of Demitri's computer chair. Demitri cried out in agony as the uncouth missile ripped through his scapula, lungs and rib cage to protrude out of his chest. He dropped Luigi and clutched at the chair leg. "Bleah! The pain! Why you...you idiot! My heart is on the *left* side!" "Good! I got three more where that came from!" Rick charged Demitri with the chair like a berserk lion tamer. Demitri sidestepped Rick again, twirling his cape like a matador as he ran past. Even when in indescribable torment, Demitri has style. "Bleah! Enough of this nonsense! I shall return to destroy you all, mark my words!" Demitri whirled and transformed into a cloud of bats that smashed through the skylight and disappeared into the foggy night. Miku rushed to a dizzy Yuna's side. "Are you okay, Yuna?" "SsssÉshure!" The woman's head flopped back down on the floor. "Wher'z Luigi?" "Right here! Mama mia, that was a close one." The green plumber rose off the ground. Miku noticed Luigi's hair had two braided pigtails that she was sure weren't there before. Miku did a double-take when Luigi turned around to face her. "Whatsamatta you? I got something on my face?" "Well, uh...Luigi, you're a girl." Luigi looked down. Indeed, it was true. Though she was still a mere three- foot-something, there were still an unmistakable pair of breasts pushing out her overalls now. Luigi poked one experimentally, then her long-eyelashed eyes opened wide and she put her hands over her mouth. "Oh, no!" "Welc'm to the other side," giggled the delirious Yuna. "Uh...this is really unusual," said Miku. "This is TERRIBLE!" shrieked Luigi. "Don't worry, being a girl isn't so bad." "I don't-a care about that!" said Luigi. "I lost my moustache! That vampire jerk TOOK MY MOUSTACHE! How'm I gonna face Mario now?" [---] Forgot About Jae Chapter 42: War of the 50-Foot Women Forgot About Jae conceived (not THAT way, you sicko!) by Shelby Scott, aka Darkheart One. This chapter wined and dined by J.P. "Damn, I need a cooler nickname" Chabot. [---] Previously, on FAJ: - The ghost of Geese Howard proved conclusively that he has more moves than anyone, provided that "COUNTERRR!" can be counted a million billion times. - The Scarebro created a supervillain team and got hired by Blackheart! - The Scarebro and his supervillain team got their asses kicked by Battlerman and the Ghostdusters! - Here's to superhero teamups! - It's a TRAP! - Clay9999 has broken up with Angel, who has shacked up with Jae. Now all we need to complete the love-hexagon is for Clay to shack up with NEG. Or Joe Higashi. - Billy Kane is the true successor to Geese Howard. Can he fill Geese's pants? Maybe not, the dude's turned into the Incredible Steroid Hulk. [---] "Can I help you, sir?" The figure in the metal power armor and green cloak studied the unbearably cute receptionist at the Kusanagi Enterprises Secret Laboratory front desk. "Yes...Doom would like to make a withdrawal. You WILL tell me where to find the drums of the flying saucer fuel are stored, and I will take them. I mean, Doom will take them. I mean, Doom means Doom means Doom will take them. Yes." The girl looked puzzled, and shifted her grin to match that. "Doom? Who's that?" "I am! Er, Doom is! Me! Doom is ME, foolish underling. Do not attempt to hamper my progress, for I am definitely Dr. Doom, and all who oppose me shall fall under my footstep as ants fall under the footsteps of...normal people. Yes. Now reveal where your secrets lie, for Doom shall make them his own and usher in a new age of order!" The receptionist's puzzled smile became a vaguely scared smile, making Dong wonder if this girl was any relation to his Kim Kaphwan. "I'm sorry, sir, but this Secret Laboratory is off-limits to visitors during weekdays, could you come back at another time?" Obviously Dong wasn't getting the right impression across. He decided to try harder to be menacing. "Doom is no visitor, Doom is not the normal public! Doom uses the public as toilet paper! Do not get fresh with Doom, sister, or he shall fold you in half and wipe you all over his shiny metal ass." "Oh, you need to use our restroom? It's right to your left, sir, in the lobby." "Uh...thanks." Dong walked into the public men's room. There was one man washing his hands at the sink who noticed him and turned around. "Dude, you're Dr. Doom! Man, I never thought I'd see you in here. I always did wonder how you went in that thing. Is there a hatch or something?" "Um...silence!" yelled Dong, who grabbed the man's head one-handed and threw him out the door. After checking to see that he was alone, he opened a secure broadcast channel to the real Dr. Doom. "Dr. Doom?" "Atchoo! Yes, what is it, my proxy?" "I'm at the lab, but they won't let me in. The receptionist is really creeping me out with the way she's smiling, too." "Atchoo! Dong, you must not let pitiful quibbles like this be obstacles! Doom needs you to pick up the UFO fuel for Doom's next plan. As long as Doom is under the weather, Doom is counting on you!" "Okay, I'll give it my best shot! I'll just plow right through them! Oh, and one other thing." Dong had been staring at a urinal during the conversation and was beginning to remember the 126-ounce soda he drank during lunch. "How *do* you go in this thing?" [---] Friday. The last day of the work week for most people, and the last day that Violence Unlimited is likely to get any job offers until the next Monday, when most people's tempers were high and their need for hired vigilante justice even higher. Today, though, there were a rush of different little odd- jobs for security purposes. Everyone was in a hurry to get this out of the way so they could get on with enjoying their weekend. "Fuuma, front and center!" The screws in the one of the ceiling lamps of the main office unscrewed themselves. Fuuma unfolded himself from the tiny area between the two incandescent bulbs and plopped down in front of CJ's desk, smoking slightly. "Fuuma, I need you to deliver these bills to these clients. Pin 'em to the door with a dagger, that guarantees they'll pay." "Can I use a shuriken instead?" "Whatever, as long as it's stabby. Driver, you'll be driving Fuuma to the places and make sure he delivers the right bills to the right addresses. If things get hot, feel free to use your discretion." The Driver chambered a shell in his shotgun and put it into the surprisingly roomy leather jacket he always wore. "Poison, I need you to work late and finish filing all of that new girl's employment paperwork. Hope you didn't have any plans tonight." Poison growled. "Nothing that can't wait until NEXT Friday...again." "That's my girl...guy...whatever you are. Hugo?" "HRRMPHRLR?" "You're on recruitment, Hugo. We've been spreading ourselves a little thin lately, so I want you to find another regular member for Violence Unlimited." "LKKRWHT?" "Use your imagination. Preferably someone female who likes rubbing her hands on gangster-looking guys." C.J. turned to the last two members of Violence Unlimited that stood before his desk. He pointed at Angel, who was currently keeping warm by hugging Jae as tightly as she was able, with both legs. "Like that, see, Hugo? Anyway. New girl. I want you and Jae to go to the movies tonight." "Really? Thanks, C.J.! You're a terrific guy." Cracker Jack frowned. Jae could tell because that part of his hat that was covering his eyes wrinkled inwards. The man must have huge eyebrows. "No, Jae, I'm not giving you the day off. You're going to be showing Angel the ropes on a security mission. One of our former clients, Johnny Cage, remember him? His movie studio is re-releasing a bunch of remastered classic movies and we need you to protect the film shipment from pirates." "Pirates?" "Yeah. Video Pirates. The Bootleg Buccaneers." Jae straightened up and flashed his smile again. "I won't let you down, boss! Angel, let's go!" "All right!" Angel had changed her position on Jae and was now currently clinging to his back upside down with her hands right on his ass. Normally he would have found this distracting. Right now, though, he found it downright disturbing, since he wasn't sure how she was holding on to him. But he was determined to not let anything get him down today. Cracker Jack leaned back in his chair as the pair walked out of the office. "As for me, I'm on nacho detail for poker night. Ah, it's good to be the boss." [---] Meanwhile! In the sinister castle of the Legion of Evil! Ursula stood up. "Malificent, I was wondering if I could perhaps get--" Captain Hook stood up as well and cut her off. "What we need are a few items to help us in our quest to stop those bilge rats, the Superbuddies!" Several other members also nodded their agreement. Malificent cracked her staff against the floor. "Captain Hook, your sword is razor sharp! Jafar, your mind games are deadly! Oogie-Boogie...you're made of burlap! What more could you possibly need?!" "How about a flying carpet?" said Jafar. "What?!?" "Yeah!" said Oogie-Boogie. "Aladdin and Jasmine have one. Mister Oogie- Boogie want one too!" "With a flying carpet, I, Jafar, shall crush the Superbuddies!" "Crush them!" agreed Oogie-Boogie, who plunged a tapered burlap fist through the table. "I want a Keyblade, Mally!" said Riku. "Can I get some napalm hair gel?" asked Hades. "I demand more moustache wax!" cried Captain Hook. "Oh, enough of this! What do I look like, Santa Claus?" Malificent cracked her staff against the floor again and activated the viewing pool. "We're wasting valuable time. Right now my nightmare curse is turning the Superbuddies into our slaves." "Ahem." Ursula stood up again and approached Malificent's podium. "Ursula, WHAT IS IT?!" "Look, I just want some pants," said the Sea Witch. "A decent pair of pants!" "Hey! Mister Oogie-Boogie want pants too!" [---] "Yar har har! Steady as she goes!" yelled Cervantes as his pirate ship cruised through the streets of Southtown. "We needs be intercepting that there stack of films afore anyone else beats us to it! I'll keel-haul the lot of you if any other pirate be pinching them first!" "Don't you need to be at sea to keel-haul someone?" asked Ruby Heart. "Nah, it just hurts even more against the cement! Ha hah hah!" chortled Cervantes. "And what other pirates? I thought we were the only ones in Southtown." "Thar be only one other pirate I be afraid of," said Cervantes. [---] The zombie pirate LeChuck burped. [---] "But mostly because of his body odor! Gyar har har har!" [---] Jae and Angel arrived at the King Hippo movie studios parking lot. No sooner did the tour bus drop them off than than the big KH himself showed up and warmly shook their hands with his boxing gloves. "Great, glad you guys could make it...you wouldn't believe the number of threats we've had on these films." Several security personnel were wheeling out immensely heavy cases of projector film kept locked in rolling cases and loading them onto large armored car. "These films are going to the place where they'll be reproduced and distributed across the country, which means this is the last chance the pirates have to snatch them before they become available to the public. You'd better believe that they'll be ready to kill over cinematic gold like this." Jae caught the name on one of the cases. "'Congar, King of the Apes' is cinematic gold?" "You better believe it, especially to the fanboys and the talking monkeys." Jae squinted. "'They Came for Our Women?' The movie about the big-brained aliens who just want to rip off women's' clothing and snap metal pincers at them?" King Hippo wiped some sweat off his face and glowered. "Look, just because Roger Ebert and the late Gene Siskel both gave it zero stars only means it's that more well-known, okay? It doesn't matter if it's good, it matters if people want to see it. Which they do." "Hey, I like 'They Came for Our Women!'" said Angel. "Great," said K.H. "Now, your job is to ride on top of the armored car. When the time comes, give 'em hell, okay?" [---] Dong flew over the city with the large cylinder of UFO fuel in his hands. Once he had been able to get past the receptionist, the cyborg guard dogs, the automated machine guns and about five hundred Kyo clones, getting the fuel had been largely uneventful. Then he spotted what seemed to be a clipper ship cruising through the pavement of downtown Southtown flying a skull-and-crossbones flag. "Awesome! Pirates!" Dong flew down to get a closer look. [---] "Well, I'm not saying that I don't like you, Angel, I'm just wondering if you really need to hang on to me like this." "But I get cold so fast, Jae. Especially with this outfit." "Well, how about if I lend you some clothes or get you some decent pants or something?" "I don't know. I've had bad experiences with pants." "Well, a dress then." "I don't seem to have any better luck with dresses." "A shirt?" "Uh-uh." "Spandex leotard?" "Mmmaybe..." [---] The clipper ship was leaving quite a large furrow in the street. Of course, every day in Southtown is hell week for city construction. "I see them!" said one pirate in the crow's nest, looking through a spyglass. "Dead ahead and moving at thirty knots!" "Arr! Get the galley slaves a-rowing!" said Cervantes. "Battle speed!" ordered Ruby Heart. Two dozen giant oars popped out of the sides of the ship and began rhythmically scraping against the pavement, occasionally grabbing a nearby passing car. The ship slowly closed the distance to the armored car. [---] "Wow, these guys look serious," said Jae from the railing at the top of the armored van. "There must be forty or fifty of them." The van's driver must have noticed the pirate ship too, because he jammed on the gas and began swerving in the direction of the nearest highway on-ramp. [---] Dong swooped down onto the poop deck of the pirate ship, startling Cervantes and Ruby Heart. "By Captain Flint's broadsword! Arr! Doom! This not be a good time," said Cervantes, adjusting his hat nervously. "This not be about that bootleg copy of 'Latveria's Girls Gone Wild?' Because me and me maties had nothing to do with it!" "What? No, uh...Doom just desires your autograph. For a friend. He always wanted to meet a pirate." Ruby Heart looked out of the corner of her eye and exchanged a worried glance with Cervantes. "That be sounding all right, I suppose." Cervantes drew a piece of parchment and a quill pen out of his coat. "Who be I scribbling my name for?" "'To my good friend Kim Dong Hwan,'" said Dong. "And could you give him a cool piratey nickname?" "'To...me...best matey, Kim...Yellowtooth...Dong Hwan." Cervantes pressed some blotting paper over the parchment and handed it to Dong, who had to shift the canister of UFO fuel into one hand to accept it. "Doom thanks you." "Ahoy!" yelled the pirate in the crow's nest again. "They're turning onto the freeway northbound!" "Hard to starboard! Right full rudder!" barked Ruby Heart. The pirate ship tilted to one side at sharp angle as it cut a path onto the onramp. "Whoah!" The canister of UFO fuel, which had been balanced precariously in Dong's right hand, tumbled out of his grasp and skidded to the side of the railing. Dong steadied himself and began to feel queasy. [---] "They're getting closer," said Jae. "Looks like it's time to earn our pay. I'll show you the path to justice, Angel!" Angel pointed above the pirate ship. "Who's that guy in the green cloak and metal armor?" Jae squinted. "That's Doctor Doom! If he's with the pirates, this could be a worse fight than I thought. But that's okay, I wanted to talk to him anyway. Prepare to repel boarders! Jae flashed Angel his trademark grin as the pirate ship came broadsides with the armored van. "I always wanted to say that." The pirates on the main deck threw harpoons and grappling hooks. Most of them missed. But a few caught the railing on the top of the armored van and they slowly pulled it closer, until a few brave pirates in the first wave were able to hop over the sides of their ship onto the top of the van. Angel and Jae were more than a match for the scurvy dogs, even though the pirates were wielding cutlasses and flintlocks. In the blur of the battle that followed, no specific fights could be remembered. Only brief flashes came to Jae's mind as he flowed from one opponent to the next: Jae dodging fire from one flintlock, coming in under the man's arm and cracking him in the face with an elbow. Angel clotheslining a pirate, attaching a grappling hook to his jacket and tossing him overboard to dangle from his own ship. Jae sending a wave of pirates to their feet with a burst of flaming kicks. Angel narrowly missing a cutlass that sliced her bikini right in the connecting point in front of her cleavage, leaving her to bobble quite freely. (You better bet that that last one stuck out in Jae's mind.) [---] "Arrr!" growled Cervantes. "They be making fools of us! I be settling this myself." He pulled out his twin blades Acheron and Nirvana. He turned to Dong, who was busy barfing over the side of the ship and mostly ignoring the battle. "Doom? Perhaps ye be wanting to help us out?" Dong waved at Cervantes with one free hand. Cervantes decided this was a "no." "Ahoy! Up ahead! The freeway curves!" yelled the lookout. "What?" said Cervantes. He glanced ahead, confirming it for himself. The freeway curved sharply straight ahead, and locked together as they were, the pirate ship and the armored van couldn't turn quickly enough to make it at these speeds. "Cut loose! Cut loose! You curs, if we run aground I'll run you all through!" screamed Cervantes. "Aren't we already aground, cap'n?" said Bonne Jenet. Cervantes silenced her by slicing through the poop deck stair railing. [---] The pirates worked quickly and began hacking at their own grapple lines. They managed to free their ship from the armored van just in time for them to begin maneuvering. Jae looked around at the piles of dozens of pirates on the van and caught his breath. He flashed Angel another smile. "Fun huh? Can't you just feel the shining satisfaction of justice?" "I think so. Does it make you want to hug the nearest person to you and rub your hands all over his manly torso?" "Well, I can't say as I've ever felt that last part, but-ook!" Jae found himself suddenly smothered. The driver of the armored car realized he was free of the pirate ship and gunned the motor for all it was worth. If he had been a less twitchy man, he might have just applied the brakes and let the pirate ship fly ahead, but he wasn't a less twitchy man. Instead, he turned as far as he could to the inside right of the curve, hoping to get ahead of the ship. In doing so, he failed to notice the "This Ship Makes Wide Right Turns" sign on the side. The pirate ship and the armored van met almost precisely at a 90 degree angle at speeds of over 60 miles an hour. The van was intended to be protected from nearly any attack, but that didn't stop it from being nearly crunched in half by the thousands of pounds of ironwood hull. The ship didn't do too well either, as its keel was cracked in half by the impact. As impossible as it seemed for something so large to do, the ship spun down the freeway nearly three times before coming to a stop and falling to one side. Most of the pirates on board were flung from it during the first spin, as well as a lot of the objects on board. Including one canister of highly unknown UFO fuel, which sailed through the air and landed on the remains of the armored car. [---] Jae is not easy to kill. He'd faced impossible odds before, tangled with the best of them. He was getting pretty used to being knocked out once in a while, but that just meant he worked harder at recovering faster. This is not an easy thing to train yourself to do, so don't try it at home, kiddies. When he came to almost immediately after the crash, he saw the wreckage of the van and the contents of the interior, the precious remastered films, scattered all over the highway. A canister of some glowing green unknown substance was on top of the van, dripping all over everything. Jae was no expert on these things, but he knew that it's better not to get glowing green fluid on yourself, so he kept his distance. "Angel? You okay?" "Right as rain!" said Angel, who for some reason didn't have so much as a scratch on her. Jae surmised that was because she had used him as her landing cushion, but he wasn't sure. "Well...it looks like we failed our mission after all," said Jae sadly. "C.J.'s going to be mad. But we did our best and that's what counts." Angel shielded her eyes with one hand and peered ahead at the crashed ship. "Hey, it's that Doom guy again." Dong flew over to the van where he saw the fuel fall, and slumped inside the armor. "Aw, man." "Dr. Doom! I want to talk to you!" called Jae. Dong did a double-take when he saw Jae down there. "J-Jae?" He tried to cover as best he could. "What do you want to ask of Doom?" Jae looked at Dong with stern eyes. "Is it true, Doom? Are you training my brother to be your replacement in evil to scour the earth when you're gone?" "D...Doom doesn't know what you are babbling about," Dong said. "Doom has no time to deal with you! Do not ever bother Doom again, Kim Jae Hoon!" With that, he flew into the sky and was gone. "Damn..." said Jae. "Was he lying? I'll never know until I go to where Doom lives and investigate this. This isn't over!" he shouted to the wind. "Hey, what's this stuff?" asked Angel. She walked closer to where the glowing goop had covered the films. "Uh, I don't think you should touch that, Angel, it's probably not safe." "Oh, sure it is, Jae. It even tastes minty!" "What?! You ate some?" "Just a finger-lick. You should try some!" "No! Now we have to...what's that?" The films were glowing more now, and a loud rumbling could be heard. Jae took Angel's hand and stepped away from the van. The films glowed even more, and suddenly a large robotic fist plowed out of it, followed by an arm, followed by a robot fully 20 stories high. Its black armor and red trims shone in the setting sun, and its eyes and head-wing glowed yellow. "Wow! That's Ultra-V! I used to watch that when I was a kid!" said Angel. "Was it a *good* robot?" asked Jae. "Yeah, sure. It's a protector of human kind!" Angel waved to the behemoth. "Hey! Ultra-V! You rock!" The robot moved. It took one ponderous step off the freeway, ignoring Angel. Then it took the other foot off the freeway. Then it took a big swing at a nearby building standing in its way. "A good robot," said Jae. "I'm sure it was a good robot! Maybe that building was evil," said Angel. Three more fists plowed out of the green goopy films in the armored van. One was the hairy fist of a giant ape. One was a reptilian claw. One was a metallic pincer on a long cable. "I think we'd better get out of here," said Jae. "No, wait! I know these ones too!" exclaimed Angel. "That's Congar! And that's Togera. He's like Godzilla but with Baraka blades! And that's Zorgulon, the big-brained alien from 'They Came for Our Women.' Extra- big for Zorgulon, though..." "Okay, so we're DEFINITELY getting out of here," said Jae. "We're no match for a bunch of giant monsters who are going to almost certainly kick each other around and destroy the city." Which is exactly what they started to do, naturally. [---] "Do you, Benimaru, take this Chu-Chu to be your destined bride and mate for all eternity?" Beni grimaced. "It seems I have no choice." "And do you, Chu-Chu, take this J.P. Polnareff-looking whiner and Chosen One of Dan Hibiki to be your destined husband and mate for all eternity?" "Chu-chu's maidenly pure heart beats only for Beni! Of course I chuse him!" "And now, with the awesome power of Saikyo-ryu vested in me," said Dan, "I hereby declare you man and--" "Wait!" said Chu-chu. She sniffed and wiggled her nose. A low rumble went through the ground of the OOSHA ceremony hall. Her already-huge eyes got bigger. "There's a giant monster out there! Chu-chu's eternal battle against icky giant things must continue!" Chu-chu ditched the wedding gown and bounced down the aisle rolled up in a furry pink ball. Benimaru exhaled with relief exceeding that of one whose life has been spared and is going to the bathroom after a long wait at the same time. "Saved by the kaiju." [---] Ultra-V grabbed a nearby power generator off the ground and flung it at Congar. The massive ape convulsed as the electricity stored within it was released through his body. Ultra-V's right arm shot a hook out on a cable, clamping around Congar's neck. The cable wound back into Ultra-V's right arm, pulling Congar straight into Ultra-V's left fist. The proud king of his jungle island, Congar was no match for the powerful steel body of Ultra-V. The ape hit the pavement, struggled to get up, failed and lost consciousness. Ultra-V "laughed" in a strange synthesized voice and brandished an energy katana in a victory pose. That still left Togera and Zorgulon to worry about. But Ultra-V wasn't interested in fighting them. Instead, it decided to start punting cars around with its feet and seeing how far they flew. Jae and Angel tried to stumble away from the carnage on foot, but the streets were flooding with panicking people. It seemed an effort in futility to escape from the madness. "Jae, stop for a second. I don't feel so good," said Angel. "What's the matter?" asked Jae. "Here, look," said Angel. She turned to face him and pulled off her jacket. To make sure he was looking in the right area, she pulled his face down into her bosom. "Do my breasts look bigger than they were a moment ago?" "Um...well, actually...it's hard to tell when my face is right between them, but they do seem a little..." "Ugggh!" said Angel. Jae stood back up and noticed that his face was still firmly pointed at her breasts, even though he was looking level to the horizon. He actually had to look *up* to see her face. "Ugggh!" said Angel again. Her boots split open, her bottom undergarments snapped apart with an elastic zing, and she rose in height about ten feet. "See? I told you it's a bad idea to eat glowing green stuff!" said Jae. He was too stupefied to say anything else as he watched the naked Angel grow to tower over the nearby buildings. [---] "So why did you feel the need to break up with your girlfriend, Clay?" asked Bonk, caveman psychiatrist. "Well, it's not that she wasn't good in bed, or good looking, or anything, but...she wasn't very considerate of me," said Clay9999 on the couch. "She'd always wind up losing her clothing." "On purpose?" "Well, not exactly, but these things just always happened to her, you know? No matter what I did she'd wind up naked." "And you have a problem with this," said Bonk. "Well, yes! I was paying for all her clothing!" "Perhaps you feel uncomfortable seeing beautiful women naked? Is there some deep-seated problem you have with that?" Clay9999 got off the couch. "Just what are you implying, doctor?" The wall exploded into shards of concrete as a massive bulk of flesh impacted against it. When the dust settled, Clay9999 found himself staring at the bare ass of the 100-foot tall Angel. "God damn it, Angel! Are you mocking me!?" He closed his eyes and put a hand over them. "THAT'S what I'm talking about, Bonk." Bonk looked out the hole in the wall, still reclined in his chair and scribbling notes. "And how does seeing the fine ass of your ex-girlfriend blown up to immense size make you feel?" [---] "All right!" thundered Angel. "Now I can do some good against these monsters!" She stormed off in the direction of Togera, cracking her knuckles. Fuuma and the Driver simply watched her cruise past from where they were sitting in the Driver's latest stolen car. "Wow." The Driver nodded, equally stunned. "That's a big Angel." Nod. "What should we do now, contact NERV?" Thwap! [---] "Superbuddies! We need your help!" cried some nondescript official on the main screen. "Giant monsters are attacking Southtown. We don't have much time!" "Don't worry, sir!" said Goofy. "I shore know who to send to stop them!" He saluted with the wrong hand and pressed a button on the console. The image changed to a Native American woman. "Powahtan Princess, did you get that?" "I'm already there, Goofy," said Pocohontas. She switched off her communicator and stood in the street. She raised her hands to the sky, ignoring the fleeing citizens, and uttered the magic words. "Enuch Chuck!" WORN WORN WORN! Powhatan Princess grew 20 stories tall. Most of the fleeing citizens noticed her then and began cheering as the massive member of the Superbuddies charged towards the fracas. [---] Lizzie glanced out the window of her laboratory and saw Ultra-V carving its name into a skyscraper. "All right!" she yelled. She grabbed a beaker and downed it. "It's Rampage Time!" Her muscles bulged and the lab coat split apart. Scales covered her skin and a tail sprouted from her behind as she enlarged her way right through the roof. Lizzie roared and jumped onto a speeding car with one foot like a roller skate. It felt so good to beat up something giant again. [---] Chu-chu bounced into the avenue where Zorgulon was busy grabbing women like Barbie dolls with it's mechanical claws and tearing their clothing off. Oddly enough, that was all that it was doing. It would grab them, tear off their clothes, then deposit them back on the street. It had already destroyed a lot of houses tearing their roofs off to get to the women, though, and Chu-chu wouldn't stand for it! The extra-large pink fuzzy mouse-thing hopped towards the alien punched it with one stubby fist. No effect. Chu-chu tried a double-punch combo. Again, no effect. Chu-chu frowned and did a flying double-kick with her claw like feet. The alien's protected noggin bounced back and forth like a weeble, but it otherwise seemed to have inflicted no damage on it. "Chu-chu really sucks at combat," Chu-chu said sadly. Zorgulon nodded and shot Chu-chu in the face with a blaster. [---] Angel was having the time of her life. What giant monster movie buff doesn't like to imagine facing off against one of the big guys on a level playing field? Well, I don't for one, since even if I was giant-sized, I'd still be toast if I was hit with atomic fire breath. But still! Angel grabbed the top of Togera's head and repeatedly slammed it into the pavement. The bladed lizard shot spikes out of its back like a porcupine, but Angel backflipped away before they struck her. Catching sight of a handy fuel truck, she hefted it in one hand and tossed it at Togera, who caught it on one spike protruding from its right hand. Fuel splashed all over the monster. Before it could recover, Angel kicked it in the soft, unprotected chest straight into an electrical substation. With a mighty whoosh, the beast ignited, howling. Then it fell on the ground twitching and died. "Whee! I won! I WON!" yelled Angel, hopping on both feet. The sonic vibrations from her bobbing breasts alone caused nearby windows to shatter. "Now for the others!" She ran over to the housing area where Zorgulon was busy picking up Chu-chu with both claws and pounding her into the ground. "Hey, squid-face!" Zorgulon dropped Chu-chu and turned to face Angel. Its bug-eyes grew to twice their size when it saw the first woman of real size approaching it. It crawled at high speed towards her with both pincers clanking eagerly. Angel blurred past it, then zipped around in a circle, punching it at rapid pace. The dome protecting Zorgulon's brain cracked and it burbled in pain. "Let me finish it for chu!" squeaked Chu-chu, who had recovered and cast a healing ether spell on herself. She grabbed the blaster off of Zorgulon's back and fired it into the alien's exposed brain, splattering it all through the inside of the helmet. The flailing metal hooks clanked lifelessly to the ground, totaling one guy's car but he's not a main character so who cares? "Thanks," said Angel. "Whew, that was intense. We still have one more to go, and he's the strongest of all." "Don'tchu want to put on some clothes first? Chu could grab that big poster on that skyscraper..." "Why? You're not wearing clothes," said Angel. Chu-chu paused for a second. "Chu make a good point, but that's no exchuse." [---] Pocohontas was taking a beating. She really wasn't cut out to fight normal- sized robots when she was normal-sized, so taking on a giant-sized robot when she was of equal size wasn't working out either. If Lizzie hadn't shown up she'd be toast already. Ultra-V, in the crappy movie it came from, was intended to destroy hordes of invading aliens. One giant woman wasn't going to stop it. A giant woman and a woman-turned-giant-lizard might slow it down but not seriously damage it. Two giant women, one with pretty good fighting ability, a woman-turned- giant-lizard and a giant pink fuzzball with healing powers to act as backup...that was a different story. "Arr! Keep filming! This be the stuff of schlock video dreams!" said Cervantes to his remaining crew. They were all using their camcorders (used mostly to record theater movies) to record the extra-size women pounding the hell out of the Japanese super robot. "Hey, is that Chu-chu?" "What about it?" "Chu-chu is a friend to children. Yes, she is really neat!" [---] Finally, when Ultra-V stopped moving and the battle was over, the survivors began to collect themselves. Jae ran up to Angel huffing and puffing (running ten city blocks to keep up with your new sort-of girlfriend is hard.) "Angel! Are you okay?" "I'm great!" "Good! C.J. was by earlier, he says that we lost the pay on the van-guarding job, but since you played an active role in saving the city we get a commission from the anti-kaiju trust fund." "I did good?" "You did good!" Jae beamed up at her. "W...whoaaah!" Angel began shrinking. The poster wrapped around her torso grew to envelop her as she shrank down to her original size...or pretty close to it, anyway. She wrestled her way out from the massive poster and ran over to hug Jae. Jae was too happy to worry about anything as trivial as indecent exposure right now. He hugged her back and beamed his shiniest smile, lighting up the whole street. "And I brought you a spare dobok of mine, so you won't be cold on the way home. Want to put it on and see how it looks?" "'kay!" "Um...little help here?" Another naked woman poked out of the poster. "It's kind of embarrassing...this always happens to me whenever I get big and I don't have any place to get some new clothes." Angel and Jae glanced at each other. "You can have mine!" said Angel. Jae tossed her the bag with the dobok in it. "Thanks!" said Lizzie, who started to put it on as fast as possible. Jae swooped up Angel in his arms and walked towards a nearby cab. [---] "Atchoo! So, my young stunt double," said Doom. "You failed to get the UFO fuel Doom asked you to." "Er, yeah," said Dong, shifting one food nervously. "Because you wanted a pirate's autograph." "..." "So what did you bring instead?" Dong held up a reel of film. "I got a remastered copy of 'Cerebulon: The Destroyer of Worlds!'" "You have done well! Atchoo! Doom will start up the projector. You shall obtain the popcorn. Doom loves this movie." [---] Author's Notes: Ah, here it is. Later than I wanted it to be, but about as long as I wanted it to be, for once. Thank goodness. I really wanted to do something with Chu- chu at some point, since I think the moment she was introduced as Beni's bride-to-be was one of the funniest damn things I've read in a while. Hope you enjoyed it. J.P. Chabot site_razer@hotmail.com [---]