Joe "Ladies Love Cool" Higashi, in a rare moment of having a fully-clad torso, was on the make. This is not an unusual state for him to be in, nor is it unusual for him to be succesful- he is rather handsome in a certain angle and in a certain light. He is, however, a jackass, and certain sectors of society (namely sophisticated young women aged 19-32) tend to frown on this. Undaunted, Joe continued to scan the room for willing and nubile young females. His gaze was arrested, issued a warning against excessive leering by his internal moral police, and captivated by the pretty young thing nursing a broken heart and a broken world tequila shot record. "Aha," he said to himself. "I sure can pick em." Straightening his bow tie and smoothing down his board shorts, he walked a few spongy, beer-stained steps to the corner stool. Joe "Mack Daddy" Higashi introduced himself. "Hi!" Joe "It's Your Birthday" Higashi said. "I'm Joe, and you would look fabulous naked an on my bearskin run at home, moaning in orgasmic pleasure. What's your name?" "Trust me," she replied, "You really don't want to know." "You got that right." Joe "Legend in his Own Pants" Higashi hopped onto the bar stool and signaled the bartender. The girl finished her scotch and reached for a mint julep. "So," he continued, "you're already drunk and suggestible. Wanna just get straight to the six hours of giggling and squelching noises?" "I wanna talk a bit first. And finish this drink." She finished the drink. "Why're you drinking so much anyway?" She smiled. "I'm trying to forget about Jae." [-----] FORGOT ABOUT JAE CHAPTER 40: That Lovin' Feeling. Series created from a fusion of traditional styles by breakthrough rap artist DH1. This chapter sculpted out of the rib bone of the Black Snotling. [-----] Previously, on Forgot About Jae... -Jae made sure no motherfucker ever gonna forget about... um... -Regina gave me a perfect excuse to make a gag about something that rhymes with her name, but I shall decline because I'm the better man. -Have you ever noticed that whenever a TV ad calls for a game console, quite often they'll use an old N64? Maybe it's a New Zealand thing. -Hey, speaking of N64s, if a dinosaur got crossed with a rumble pak, what would you get? A VIBE-RAPTOR! Hah! -Andy's ass is just too, too firm. And Vanessa didn't dance. -E. Honda was playing the blues when he was still in sumo swaddling cloth. To E. Honda! -Ultimate Clusterfuck Fighter 3 was nothing compared to the graphics and gameplay of Super Spiffy Douche-like Cleanliness Cockwhapping Assjabber Hyper Fighting. [-----] Eiji sat down in front of his beloved Tandy and started to type. "Ah," he said. "I love the smell of email in the morning. Oh, what's this? "Dear Eiji. I was wondering if you have ever put out an album of music, because your voice is to cool. Yours, Terry Bogard, California." "Well, Terri Reynolds, I try not to get suckered into the whirligig of the corporate music machine, but I did put out an ep last year with my band The Awesome Project. It's called 'Yoshimitsu the Choppinator Battles the Fox Mask Ninja.'" [-----] Cracker Jack was in the odd position of havign to provide comfort to someone. Trying to heal someone's pain was a novel experience, as usually he was causing the pain in the first place. However, every boss of a gang of leg breakers has to talk to the troops sometimes. "Hey, Jae. You okay?" "Hey, you rhymed!" Fuuma yelled, jumping out from a potted fern. "Gimme a pen I'll do it again!" "Fuuma, you're a jerkwad. Go boil your head." "Okay!" Throughout all this, Jae continued to play with his Newton's Cradle. "Look, Jae," CJ said. "I like to think of myself as your pal as well as your boss. You can talk to me." Click, clack. Click, clack. "Okay, that's a lie, but I do want to know what's wrong." Click, cla- "Jae?" "I never realised just how much I'd miss the constant groping." Click, clack, click, clackity click. "Yeah, man." CJ pulled up a chair, now on more familiar ground. "I kinda missed Sharon at first, before she swore to destroy me and all my breed, but then I realised that she'd joined the competition. She still sends postcards though." [-----] Dear Violence Unlimited (Sharon wrote,) the unit's been sent to sunny Plano, California. We're battling these giant alien bug things with extendable tongues, but it's okay because we've got these alien Rastafarians on our side. Did you know that nothing in Plano was built before 1962? Anyway, I still hate you all, Auntie Traveling Sharon. [-----] "That one's kinda old," CJ said. "Anyway, come on. It's beer o'clock, and I'm buying." Click, clack. "I'll get you... justice beer." "Okay." [-----] "Email. Small, yellow, different." Eiji hit some keys, then: "Dear Eiji. The other day I almost used a ninja move that was not totally sweet. Fortunately I noticed in time and managed to totally kick this guy's nuts and he exploded. "Chipp Zanuff, Detroit." "Well Potato Chips're Enough- heh, I kill me- you totally dodged a bullet man. Ninja should always be totally sweet, all though I must confess to being simply Awesome from time to time. You know, in foreign lands, they have American Ninja, Undead Ninja, Madagascan Ninja... even... ugh... Spanish Ninja." At this point, Vega popped out of Eiji's pants drawer. "Hey," he said, "Where do you get these Pac Man boxers?" "Holy crap! I can never wear my undergarments ever again!" "Just wear The Gon's," Vega said. "He keeps them smelling nice and sweet." [-----] "This beer doesn't taste too justice-ey," Jae complained. "No, really, it's got justice built right in." He took a drink and smacked his lips. "You drink too much, you wake up next to Charlton Heston in a monkey suit and wonder just how the hell you got a hold of a policewoman's helmet. Pure justice." "You say so. Way I feel right now, I'll settle for a nice, refreshing cold one." "Yeah, that's a good one." They finished their drinks and CJ went up to get another round. At the bar, he couldn't help but overhear a certain conversation between some other patrons. "I hear E. Honda ate a twinkie, liked it so much, he ate every twinkie on the Eastern Seaboard." "To E. Honda!" "The encyclopedia Brittanica lists E. Honda as being the only creature not stopped by Hostess Fruit Pies! And it takes twelve pages to do so! To E. Honda!" "E Honda believes that it's butter! And he should know!" "Hey," CJ said. "You guys talking about E. Honda? Three stories tall, goes about one and a half tonnes?" "Yeah!" "I fought him once. Damndest thing. I hit him with my bat, it sunk into his belly and got shot right back into my head." "Then lemme buy your drinks. To E. Honda!" When CJ got back to the table Jae asked him a question. "?You really fought him?" "One of these days I'll have to buy my own drinks, but, untill then... But hey, what's on your mind." "My girlfriend. Ex girlfriend, really." "Yeah, why did you two break up?" [------] Jae paused during eating his Duck ala Orange to stare deep into the eyes of the woman he loved, who in turn paused in her little game of footsy-crotchy to gaze lovingly into his eyes. What they saw... [-----] "You know when we were all lost in time? Well, I had this dream that we were in the future where my brother took over the world and I met his son. And her son." "You mean..." "Yeah. Even though it was just a dream, ever since then, I've been scared of what might happen if..." "Yeah. I've had worse break-ups though. Back before you joined... [-----] "Hit me," CJ said, and caught the card Fuuma chucked him. "CJ, Honey," Shermie said, "I'm dumping you." "I'll stay." "CJ, you're a jerk. Goodbye." She slammed the door on the way out. D'Arby looked at Fuuma. "These are Old Maid cards." "Boss, you just got dumped," Poison said. "It's cool," CJ replied,leaning back in his chair. "We never saw eye to eye anyway." [-----] Meanwhile, outside Fuuma's house... "Nerve gas, huh?" "Yeah," Accel said. "Only thing for a Samurai infestation. They're creepy varmints, get in everywhere. Gotta gas 'em all, its' the only way to be sure." "Gosh, it just seems a little extreme is all." "The samurai warrior is a cunning foe, and not to be trifled wi- Look out!" Accel whipped out his gun and pushed Fuuma out of the way. Six holes into Keiichiro Washizuka later, Fuuma was a little more amenable to the idea. "You move along now, little buddy," Accel said. "Get yourself to... where were you staying again?" "Whip's house!" Fuuma exclaimed. "Just follow the sounds of creaking bed springs!" "Uh..." "We're gonna stay up ALL NIGHT and jump on the BED and eat ICE-CREAM AND JELLY AND get up in the morning and watch CARTOONS and WHEEEEEE!" "You have fun now." "Whee!" Fuuma took off for his destination, leaving Accel to pull his bandanna over his mouth. It was time, he thought, for the eternal Cowboy vs Samurai battle to be fought one more time. [-----] CJ came back from the bar with a tray of six more beers. "What'd you tell them this time?" "That the mitochondrial DNA of all living organisms can be traced back to E. Honda's stomach lining. And that he sunk the boat." "TO E. HONDA!" the bar shouted. CJ sat down. They drunk their beer. "Anyway, Kid," CJ said, "I was telling you about the time me and Taki broke up for the third time-" "Have any of your girlfriends had proper faces?" Jae asked. CJ thought for a second. "Mileena, but that was hardly a face." They both shuddered, and drank again. "I still miss her, man." "You will, for a while. And the hurt'll feel so bad that you could crawl up inside of it, like a little dark womb of despair, and you'll feel like crying your rage to the clouds above, then you'll get over it." "Never knew you were so poetic, boss," Jae replied. "You tell the guys, I'll have ya clean out your desk." "I don't have a desk." "I'll give you a desk, have you clean it out, then burn it." Jae smiled the smile of the drunk. "Got ya, boss." "Ya want to hang outside Angel's place till she walks out naked?" "Um, I just might fall over drunk now." Fortunately, CJ saved the last two pints before Jae's head hit the table. [-----] If the people next door don't stop making that infernal squeaking noise, Joe "Eveready" Higashi thought, I'll kick them so hard that- "Your turn," the nameless girl said. "Okay. I spy with my little eye..." [-----] "Step up to the email all wrapped up in brown paper! Okay, what've we got. "Dear Eiji, my sister and I think that you're so cute. There is two of us! Yours, Nakoruru. "Well, Nakoruru, there's ONE of me and-" DELETED! "What? No! No! Undeleted!" Eiji hit the computer screen a couple of times, then took out his frustration and chopped his computer in half. "Oh, no! Come back Nakoruru! Come back Nakky's sister!" The Gon came over and chittered at him. "Oh hey The Gon. How much do new computers cost?" The Gon chittered some more. "Whoah! That's like, fifty lapdances! Hmm... lapdances..." The Gon waved his arms around and chittered some more. "Uh, um, I'm gonna just go get some lapdances. I mean a new computer. Uh... NINJA VANISH!" There was a pause during which Eiji failed to vanish. "What do you mean you can still see me? I can see you." The Gon frowned. "Oh yeah, gotta take my hands off of my eyes. Gotta see them lap dances. Hmm... lap dances. [-----] Author's Note Thingumajinks. This could've been a lot better, had not my hard drive decided to end its pitiful existence. As always, there are things I wanted to do that had to be left out- Brian Battler was set to do a DVD-commentary track on some of his earlier hijinks, and I left out "Lifestyles of the Rich And Villanous" for lack of a host. Accel and the mystery guest coming up are from the game "Power Stone." And I'd like to thank ME for being too plum lazy to get pre-readers. It's all MY fault! Go ME! [-----] "Fear of being alone. So scared that one runs into the arms of whoever is there, regardless of the consequences, or in Jae's case just drink until his heart stops. That's a common one. 'Niffophobia' maybe." The Scarebro leaned back in his chair, content with a job well done. "Good job, there, Gourmand." "Heh heh heh. Gourmand." The evil chef grinned and picked out a piece of ham from between his teeth with his clever. "Ah, 'skankophobia,' the fear of poor dental hygeine. Anyway, we should get to work getting the rest of the gang together to torment these poor buffoons some more. Come on, Gourmand." The chef leered. "Heh heh heh... Gourmand." [-----]