The 'phone was ringing rather insistently, and had been for some time. The answering machine's tape was full. The mail slot in the door was jammed with letters, memos, panicked entreaties, telegrams, and several carrier pigeons, who cooed frantically as they tried to escape. The lone computer had GPFed (Generally the Plumber's Fault), its Koopasoft OS unable to handle the sheer amount of incoming e-mail. This was all because of one woman. Karin Kanzaki had a team of six working around the clock to find someone, anyone, who worked for Violence Unlimited. As she hadn't thought to call Professor Tym's Retrieval Service ("Our Motto: Being Lost In Time Is A Crime"), she wasn't going to have much luck finding them. But why did Karin need to talk to Violence Unlimited so badly? Well. Therein hangs a tale. =============================================== FORGOT ABOUT JAE fortified with 100% of your daily *funk* Chapter 34: Skin Trade or: Just Call Me Shameless Story begun by childlike naif, Shelby Scott Story continued by serial thrilla, Thomas Wilde Story made from 100% unnatural ingredients =============================================== Last time, on "Forgot About Jae": -- postapocalyptic Southtown would appear to be totally sweet. -- not a damn WORD about E. Honda! To E. Honda! -- Kim "Fast Oeddie" Sue-Il got his mack on, much to his regret. -- in 1943 Germany, *every* day is Cracker Jack's birthday. -- Ryuji Yamazaki's found his niche in life. -- Hugo did *not* endure torment that would break a man. It did, in fact, break him, as it would break any of you. ======== SOUTHTOWN THE FUTURE Raxel was bad. Raxel was the baddest. He was the head dog in Shishio's pack. He was mad, crazy, and dangerous, the best rock guitarist and certainly the best brawler of the lot. Shishio didn't give a small platoon of totally sweet neon ninjas to just *anyone*, after all, so Raxel figured he was something real special. Then Kim Jae Hoon kicked him in the face for ten solid minutes. Raxel *was* special. The horrible facial burns only made him moreso. After Raxel collapsed, still *rocking* despite the concussion, Jae turned to see how NEG and Sue-Il were doing. Raxel's ninjas weren't much to speak of; it was almost as though someone had taken sixteen random jamooks off the street, stuck them into neon-blue ninja suits, and given them an hour of karate lessons. NEG had already taken six of them out, and Kim was handily dealing with the other ten. Jae leapt into the fray, fueled by his desire for postapocalyptic justice, and lashed out at the ninjas with flaming kicks. Where he moved, ninjas burst into flames and fell over unconscious. Soon, in less time than it takes to tell, Jae, Kim, and NEG stood victorious among the sprawled bodies of their opponents. "C'mon," Kim said. "We've gotta move. That made way too much noise." "Justice is often noisy, Kim," Jae said. "So I've heard." They took off running. ======== SOUTHTOWN THE PRESENT To understand Karin's sudden need to hire legbreakers, one must start here, across Southtown, with "Pantsless" Yuri Sakazaki. She'd just gone shopping with Mai Shiranui, and managed to talk Mai out of some of the more risque choices available. Instead, she'd opted for a nice white blouse, which was made from cotton but felt like silk, and a cream-colored knee-length skirt that went very well with her complexion. She paired them with dark stockings, a purse that matched the blouse, and flat-heeled shoes, then walked out the front door of the Sakazaki dojo to start her daily errands. She'd made it three steps before she heard the sound of breaking glass. Yuri screamed as something fluttery engulfed the lower half of her body. There was a brief, high-pitched sound like a minaturized buzzsaw, as a cloud of insects obscured the details of everything below her waist. When the insects dispersed, one of which emitted a satisfied-sounding "burp" before it left, Yuri's new skirt was gone, as was half of her shirt. Instantly, someone across the street wolf-whistled. "Um, s-sorry, Miss," an old man in a bionic bodysuit stammered. "See, I, I'd just t-treated those gypsy moths with this serum, very experimental, made from O-Ogre blood, and I-I *really* didn't mean to drop that jar, and--" "...Saiha." Dr. Boskonovitch went flying. That wouldn't've been so bad, all by itself. Then Yuri got back to her room to find that Takuma had "surprised" her by doing her laundry. "I had no idea it would all shred in the dryer!" Takuma protested. "Grr." ======== "Do you want me to get you out, Dad?" Ryo Sakazaki asked. Takuma tumbled into a position where his face was near the dryer's door. "It's all right, son. I'm actually enjoying myself." "...how long've you been in there?" "Time has no meaning when you're this fluffy, son," Takuma said. "Whee!" "Tell me I'm adopted," Ryo said to Robert. "If Yuri and I ever have kids, *they* will be," Robert said. ======== At the same time, at the Southtown Arms hotel, room 212, Chun-Li was in the shower. She was in town for the usual reasons: catch up with old friends, see the sights, probably get into an unsanctioned life-or-death brawl, etcetera, etcetera. She turned the water off, and reached for a towel. There wasn't a towel. She stepped out of the shower, soaking wet, and looked around the bathroom. No towels at all. There wasn't any toilet paper, either, and the moment she turned her back, the shower curtain disappeared. Chun-Li burst into her hotel room to find that her clothes, the bedsheets, the dry-cleaning bags, the coffee filters, and the spare towels on the top shelf of the closet were all missing. She also caught a skinny chortling man in tights and tap shoes as he was sneaking out her window. And that is why everyone on the seven hundred block of Yamaoka Street got to see Chun-Li, dressed only in a wallpaper toga, kick the living fuck out of Vega for fifteen solid minutes. ======== "Excuse me," Cammy said, "but is this seat taken?" "Nope," Vanessa said, over her newspaper. "I was meeting a guy for brunch, but I think he flaked out on me." She lowered her sunglasses and looked over them at Cammy. "You look familiar." "So do you." Cammy squinted. "You don't fight, do you?" "Oh, right, that's it. Yeah, I'm in the KOF tourney. You're Cammy White." "Yes, and you're...?" "Vanessa." "Right, right," Cammy said, and sat down. "Sorry, I'm terrible with names. And really everything else. My memory's sort of, well, not *there*, and--" "It's no big deal," Vanessa said. "So, what brings you to--?" ======== LOW EARTH ORBIT THE PRESENT "Um, sir?" a NESTS operative said. "Yes?" Zero replied. "The Zero Cannon just activated by itself." "What?! My God. What's its target? Hurry, man!" "Southtown, sir, the Pao Pao Cafe... it's narrowing its focus to a point about a foot in diameter! It's working on its own, sir!" "Can you override?" "Negative!" "Damn it!" Zero growled, and slammed his fist against an armrest. "Who would do something like this?!" "I can think of a few--" another technician started to say. Then he blinked once. "Sir, aren't you dead?" "I ran a KOF tourney, son. The rules are different for me." "I guess that's why we're back in orbit, too." "Yes, that's right. Keep telling yourself there's a reason." Zero stood up and pointed at the first technician. "Get me satellite imaging on the target site!" "Done, sir!" The technician checked another gauge. "Zero Cannon firing in three... two... one... Zero Cannon fire!" ======== A beam of red light shot through the roof of Hitomi's Brunchin' Palace ("Enjoy Our Food Or I'll Punch You In The Fucking Head"), briefly bathing Vanessa and Cammy in its hellish red glow before winking out. It left Vanessa and Cammy dressed in the black ashes that had once been their clothing. Vanessa still had her hands up, as though to keep hold of her now-vaporized newspaper. "*Well*," Vanessa said. "Don't see *that* every day." "Maybe *you* don't," Cammy muttered. "Waitress? Check *now*," Vanessa called. ======== "As God is my witness, I haven't the faintest idea how to react to this," Zero said. "Perhaps by spankin' it like a wild monkey, sir?" "Shut the fuck up." "Gladly, sir." ======== PAO PAO CAFE THE PRESENT "...and then, on the way here this morning, there was this mob of fanboys waiting for me in the parking lot," King said. "Now, granted, they're all real dead now, but they got sort of grabby, and that's why I'm wearing six hundred cocktail napkins instead of actual clothes." "You know," Chun-Li said, stirring her fourth martini with a little plastic olive sword, "this is starting to get a bit strange." "How's that?" "Have you noticed how hard it is for me to keep a set of clothes together?" Chun-Li asked, seriously. "This afternoon was inconvenient, but it wasn't terribly unusual. It's as though there's some kind of massive conspiracy dedicated to making sure I appear naked in public once every couple of days." "You know, I hadn't thought about it, but you may have a point there," King said. "My tailor used to make my tuxedos out of this weird tearaway stuff, and I didn't know about it until I lost a round in KOF95. Have you talked to Yuri lately?" "Yuri Sakazaki? No, not recently." "She was just ranting to me about that on the phone. She said she was on her way over here, so--" The door to the Pao-Pao slammed open. Yuri stood angrily in the doorway, naked from the waist down, out of breath, and clearly ready to kill someone. Behind her, someone on the sidewalk was screaming for a medic. "What the hell happened to you?" King asked. "They're testing an invisibility serum over on Eighth and Fairview," Yuri said, seething. "They threw it out the window as I walked by, and it got on my clothes." "Did you let them live?" "If you can call that living." ======== "Dude." He coughed up a thick mouthful of dark blood. "She kicked high." "Just die quietly, Melvin." "...I'm so cold." "There, there." ======== "That is *it*," Yuri said, flopping into one of the booths. "That is *it*, that is *all*, I am *done*. This has stopped being unusual, it never was funny, and eventually, they're going to catch me beating on one of these guys." "Oh, they will not." Chun-Li snorted. ======== "What's a six-letter word for 'aggravated assault?'" Stryker asked. "I think this one's dead, man," Hon Fu said. "That's twenty-two letters, an apostrophe, five spaces, and a comma, Fu." Stryker waved his pen. "Try and keep up." ======== "Okay, so maybe they won't." King brought Yuri a glass of wine, which Yuri tossed back at one swallow. "The point is, have you noticed how often this shit happens to us, and *only* us? Mai wound up in a catfight with Ayane a couple of weeks ago, Sakura's on the cover of 'Barely Legal' every other month, Fox has that 'Lovely Warriors Caught On Tape' special on Sunday nights, and the other day, I found Chizuru wandering around the park naked for no real reason." "We were just talking about that," King said. "I'd thought it was just me, but if it isn't," Chun-Li said, "we might have a problem here." "Okay," Yuri half-shouted, "then let's *deal* with it! King, do you still have all those phone numbers?" "Yeah." "Great. Call *everyone*. I don't care if they don't like us, hate us, have tried to kill us, or they're technically dead. Call them, and tell them to stop by here this afternoon. We need to sit down as a group and talk about this." "I'll get out the cheap glassware." ======== LIMBO His crossword puzzle was complete, and there are only so many push-ups, situps, and practice wails that a ninja can do in one day. So now, for want of something better with which to occupy his time, Fuuma was pacing across the length of his confinement, one step at a time, carefully measuring its width with his feet. The well-known fact that Limbo is theoretically infinite did not occur to him. "...one thousand and six, one thousand and seven, one thousand and--" Fuuma's face smacked into something soft. "Whoops. Sorry about that." "No problem." "All right, then. Have a nice--" Fuuma did a double-take. "Hey! Somebody else!" "Where?" "You!" "No, man, I'm me. Who else is there?" "You!" "Third base!" "What?" "Shortstop." "Huh?" "Dude, Huh plays hockey." The being laughed. "But that ain't nothing. I'm Spekkio. And you are...?" "I'm Fuuma!" "Tough break," Spekkio said. "What brings you here, my man?" "Opened a time machine's door in flight." "Bummer." "Totally." Fuuma brightened. "Wanna play Stratego?" "You have a Stratego board?" "Yeah! It's in my Ninja Extradimensional Pocket." Fuuma produced the board game from his pants. "I have Monopoly, Life, and Candyland, too." "Shouldn't you be keeping your infinite supply of throwing stars in there or something?" "What?" "Forget it." Spekkio sat down. "Set it up. And hey, lemme make this more interesting for ya." "How?" "If you win, I'll teach you magic." "I already know magic." "Like hell you do," Spekkio said, not unkindly. "No, really! I can disappear in a flash and leave in a whisper." "That's not magic," Spekkio said. "Real magic blows stuff up. Lookin' at you, you're real strongly attuned to a particular school of magic. If you win this game, I can teach you the first spell in that school." "Cool." Fuuma thought it over. "What happens if you win?" "Oh, I'll think of something. I always do. Chores, maybe." ======== Pierre wrung out his mop, and wiped the sweat off his forehead with his forearm. "Monsieur Gaspar, I believe this floor is clean." Gaspar knelt down, and ran one finger along the floor of the End of Time. "Hm. So it is." "So I may leave?" "No, of course not. Why don't you go over there with Skelly and NeoFio, and clean the inside of that bucket?" "Monsieur, I do not believe the bucket *needs* cleaning--" "Do it." Pierre sulked all the way over to his bucket, and reached into it with his mop to begin the cleaning job. The moment he did, he, Skelly, and NeoFio were all transported instantly to 1999 AD on a parallel world, where they set down directly in front of a newly awakened and ravenous Lavos. Gaspar chortled. "I'm such a bastard." ======== "Okay," Fuuma said, "I'll take you on. But I'll give you fair warning: ninjas are excellent at board games." "I'll take my chances," Spekkio said dryly. ======== PAO PAO CAFE THE PRESENT "Ibuki, is that you?" Yuri asked. "Yes," said a muffled voice, from inside a plastic garbage can. A small hole had been cut in its side to let Ibuki peer out. "There's some kind of plague of moths on the subway, and--" "Yeah, I saw them this morning. Here you go..." Yuri handed Ibuki one of the several dozen bathrobes she'd brought. "Hey, Mary." "Hey, Yuri," Blue Mary said. "I figured I'd check this out. I might be able to help." "You haven't been having this sort of thing happen to you?" Yuri asked. "Nah, I'm--" A series of snaps and pops sounded from Mary's clothes. She looked down, and every button, zipper, knot, and seam on her clothing suddenly gave. Her jeans, halter top, and undergarments fell apart, leaving Mary standing in her leather jacket, boots, gloves, and a slightly chagrined expression. "--robe *now*," Mary said, not missing a beat, and Yuri complied. ======== SOUTHTOWN THE PRESENT "Hey, Rayne," Lisa Garland said. She was on monitor duty at the Moldy Oaks Retirement Home. "Morning," Rayne said. "Um, Lisa...?" "Hm?" "You're doing the thing again." "What thing?" Rayne poked at her own forehead. "You know, the thing?" "Oh, right!" Lisa picked up a tissue and daubed ineffectually at the blood running down her face. "Sorry about that. It's this lousy skin infection, I swear, I've tried everything--" "It's nothing," Rayne said. She tried not to lick her lips. "Hey, Rayne?" Lisa tossed the sodden tissue. "I wanted to ask you something." "Oh?" "You know those two old guys in 231, right? Blazcowitz and Jones?" "Yeah. We met a long time ago." "Why are the three of you so competitive, anyway?" Lisa asked, leaning forward. "It's a long story, really." Rayne pulled up a chair, put her literally-stiletto-clad feet up on the desk, and relaxed. "See, we first ran into each other in 1942, in Berlin. Blazcowitz was there to do something about Mutant Zombie Hitler... or the Spear of Destiny. I forget. Jones wanted something old; it might've been the Spear. I was there for the cuisine, see, and then there was this fourth guy. I don't know what happened to him. He didn't talk much." "And you were all in the same place just by coincidence?" "Well, sort of," Rayne said. "If you were doing what we were doing in '42, you had to visit Berlin sooner or later. It was like taking your movie to Cannes or something. So we finally met, and we'd all heard of each other, see, as the baddest asses in the Allied forces. I said something, then Blazcowitz said something, and it's stupid, but we all decided to get together and settle our differences. Blazcowitz won the draw, so he got to pick the meeting place." "What happened then?" Rayne smiled. "We had ourselves a little competition." ======== CASTLE WOLFENSTEIN THE PAST There were certain sounds that made Cracker Jack very happy. For example, there was the crisp crunch as he bit into a fresh apple, the bubbling of percolating coffee in the morning, that weird pop Fuuma made when his hip got dislocated for the third time in a day, the indescribable musical note of a sharp knife coming out of its sheath... and the delightful metallic throb right after he smacked a Nazi in the teeth with his bats. It wasn't the sound itself, mind, but the sound right *after* the teeth-shedding moment of impact, as the bat rang. Perfect. Precious. Bloody sonic poetry. Potemkin, on the other hand, was like a guy who not only crashes the party, but he drinks all the beer, pukes on the couch, and macks on your date. In that order. Compared to a skilled professional like Cracker Jack, Potemkin's tendency to utilize screaming National Socialists as missiles, like water balloons filled with bones and corn syrup, lacked finesse and charm. CJ considered finding somewhere else to get his smack on, or alternatively, pounding on Potemkin until Potemkin got the damn hint, but the course of history would take that out of his hands. As luck would have it, CJ and Potemkin's path of destruction had carried them onto the battlements of Castle Wolfenstein. Potemkin's lack of style was starting to make CJ cross, and even throwing frightened privates off of the walls and onto the hoods of the vehicles parked a hundred feet below couldn't seem to cheer him up. CJ was seriously considering picking a fight with Potemkin, all eight feet and sixty billion pounds of him, when they noticed all the Nazis had gone very, very quiet. "What's going on?" CJ asked aloud, then looked up. Ten people were standing outside the front gate of Castle Wolfenstein: seven men, three women. One of them, white with long blond hair, wearing fur and light leather armor, stepped forward. CJ could see the coiled chain whip at his waist. Another man, about the same age but dark-haired and slimmer, somehow managed to juggle both a large spear and what was, for 1943, a very advanced video camera. "Good evening," the blond man said into the camera, "and hello, from war-torn Germany. I'm John Morris, and with me as always is my cameraman, Eric LeCarde." "Hey there," Eric said. "Welcome to the Belmont Family Wartime Report," John said. "As you may know, even in these troubled times, the spirit of competition is fierce among the Allied forces. The everpresent specter of the Nazis presses our boys and girls out there in the fields to ever-greater heights of achievement. But the question persists: just who is the best? We've got quite a few superhuman engines of destruction out there, folks, and for the longest time, people have been asking which one of these titanic tyrants of Teutonic terror is the most devastating of them all. "Tonight, here at the picturesque Castle Wolfenstein, we've gathered together four of the biggest names in Nazi slaughter for your viewing entertainment. In just a few short moments, we'll be releasing them into the German-rich confines of Castle Wolfenstein, to destroy the enemy as they see fit, and at the end of the night, the body count will tell us just who is the best!" John paused for effect, and continued. "Each of these warriors has brought along a companion, to serve on our Wartime Council, which is in charge of awarding points at the end of the night. Let's get things started, shall we?" "Our first competitor is an archeology professor from New England, but don't let that fool you: this classroom killer gives out extra credit for *pain*. Please welcome Indiana Jones!" Indy adjusted his fedora and smiled grimly into Eric's camera. "Next up, we've got one of two representatives of the boys in the United States military! This guy's killed more zombies than you've ever *met*, folks. Give it up for B.J. Blazcowitz!" B.J. lifted a flamethrower and shot a burst of fire into the air. "Our third contestant is a member of the so-called 'weaker sex,' but don't let her catch you calling her that. Representing a society so secret that I'm not supposed to know its name, it's agent BloodRayne!" Rayne spun the blades attached to her wrists, and crossed them in front of her face. "Finally, last, certainly not least, but definitely the quietest, this top G.I. definitely believes that actions speak much louder than words! For the Air Force, it's Lieutenant James Patterson!" Patterson didn't say anything. He stared into Eric's camera, blinked once, and checked to make sure his Garand was loaded. "In five minutes' time," John said, turning back to the camera, "we'll be letting these monsters loose on a castle full of unprepared, heavily armed Nazi menaces, who may or may not be working on something top-secret and patently evil within. When everything's stopped exploding, our team of experts will go in there and tally up the bodies, then give us their final score. Please, meet our panel: Korea's own Short Round, Tibet's favorite dhampir Mynce, the French resistance's sexy siren Mannon, and finally... this... guy right here. Um, who are you?" "I'm an engineer." "I know that, but--" "Sorry, man. I got my name shot off." "Oh." John missed a beat, but recovered quickly. "Only four minutes remain until the start of the carnage, folks, so get ready for the patriotic bloodsport of the century! We'll pause now for station identification." CJ began to feel as though someone was out to get him. ======== PAO PAO CAFE THE PRESENT "Hey, Angel... and you're Tiffany Lords, right?" Yuri asked. "Sure am!" Tiffany said, smiling brightly. "Hi!" "Hi. Where are...?" "Oh, it's the funniest thing! It's laundry day for Angel *and* me! Isn't that weird?" Every set of eyes in the room turned to Angel. "I like to get it all done at once!" Angel yelled. "Me too!" Tiffany said. "So *sue* us," Angel said, and turned her back. "That explains the hundred-and-seven-car pile-up outside," King said, looking out the window. ======== SOUTHTOWN THE PRESENT "E. Honda was the hundred and ninth Star of Destiny after he ate Aziboah!" "For his eighth-grade science fair, he created the bonobo monkey!" "He comes from the same planet as Bootsy Collins!" "A tissue sample from his pancreas serves as the graphics accelerator for every X-Box in North America!" "He's been trading recipes with Hannibal Lecter since 1973! He had a recipe specifically for Ray Liotta's brain!" "Rebecca Chambers has been hiding in the folds of his belly since August of '98! She lives off of the plentiful local vegetation!" "He did your mom so hard, your grandmother came!" "Master of Orion III has been delayed for so long because he keeps devouring the Anterrans!" "His athlete's foot has evolved its own sapient civilization!" "Wait a minute. You guys are talking about E. Honda, right?" "Yeah!" "I *know* E. Honda!" "Then let us buy you a round!" "Yeah! I'd been driving my Accord for three years before I looked down and realized it was him! TO E. HON--" The door to the bar opened, yet paradoxically, it got darker. E. Honda kicked the frame of the door out, then squeezed his business-suit clad bulk through the door with an audible pop. He surveyed the room, squinting against the sudden light, then went to the bar. "Bartender." "...yeah?" "I want every single fucking buffalo wing within the city limits. Don't try to hold one back. I will *know*." "Yessir." "And I want them now." "Yessir." The party in the corner was very, very quiet as they watched E. Honda eat. "Dude, buy him a drink." "No way." "But he's right there!" "Do you know what he *does* to people who buy him drinks?" "I heard he bites off their hands and thanks them for the chaser." "Yeah? *I* heard that he yarks the drink back up and gives it back to you, and now it's a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster." "My buddy told *me* that Honda'll just give you a Kyoto Kiss." "I think you mean an Edinburgh Kiss." "Not the way E. Honda does it." "True. To E. Honda." "E. Honda," they whispered, and clinked their drinks together softly, so E. Honda would not hear them. ======== PAO PAO CAFE THE PRESENT May Lee and Athena Asamiya were the next to arrive, trying to cover themselves with sections A through H of the Southtown _Voyeur_ (motto: "All the News That's--Hey, Look At the Bazooms On That Girl On Seventh and Franken; No, That Other Girl"). "Hi, May!" Mai said, waving. "Nice ass! Not as firm as Andy's, but, well..." "Hi, Mai!" May said, waving back. "Gimme something to wear, please!" "You got it." "Dare I even ask?" King said. "Um... well..." Athena stammered, and then shut up entirely. "It's like, you see, I mean--" May started to say. ======== "Huh," May Lee said. "Bus's kinda empty this morning." "I know," Athena said. "Usually, it's crowded." "Aren't you a subject of worship or a pop idol or something? Why do you take the bus?" "Oh, it's murder owning a car in this town," Athena said. "I mean, it's not like I can't take care of myself." "I suppose that's true," May said, and took a seat. The bus rolled onward. "Are you and Rock still dating?" Athena said politely. "No, he's going out with that Sakura now," May said. "Plus, there's that whole thing where he was the goofiest-looking god ever, so--" "Yes, I know how that can go." "Are you and Sie--?" "Nope." "Huh." They rode in silence for a couple of minutes. "So, um, how's Mr. Kaphwan doing?" Athena asked. "Still dead." "Oh." "Yup." "...nice weather we're having?" "It's sunny. I like it when it's sunny." "Me too." Athena checked her watch. "How long does it take to get from here to the Pao Pao?" May asked. "About fifteen minutes," Athena said. "This driver's kind of slow." "Huh." "Yup." "...wanna go down on each other?" "You know, I don't see why not." ======== "That happened to me and Makoto last week," Ibuki said. "Even the strange passionate shredding of clothing?" Athena said. "Because, well, *that* wasn't normal." "Okay, yeah, that's all you." "Um, about that...?" Makoto said, from the door behind May and Athena. "Funny story, really..." "Hi, everyone!" Elena said. "Did you know that if they're *very good friends*, two naked women can fit inside the same raincoat?" "Um... sorry?" Makoto said to Ibuki. "I mean, were we dating?" "I hope not. Otherwise, I cheated first." "With who?" "You said you'd call, Ibuki," Sakura said. "I've been *waiting* by the *'phone*, and--" "Oh." ======== ABOARD THE EPOCH OUTSIDE TIME "I'm not sure what's more disturbing," Lucca said. "The fact that you made that much gold in the relatively short time you spent in that timeline, or the fact that you can fit a crossbow and a case of flaming arrows inside your jacket without so much as a visible bulge." The Driver smiled innocently and kept counting his coins. "Oh, and while I'm thinking of it: flaming arrows. ...happy." Lucca allowed herself a brief ecstatic shiver. "We'd better start looking for your co-workers. My instruments say that Jae and his girl landed in 20XX AD." The Driver raised an eyebrow. "My instruments are, occasionally, smartassed." Lucca kicked her console. "The point being, if I know my timelines, that means that they managed to drop slam-bang into the middle of one of the more dystopian futures." The Driver's expression turned quizzical. "What?" "Mistress Lucca, I believe the gentleman's confusion mirrors my own," Robo said. "How does one have a 'more dystopian' future? Isn't 'dystopian' an absolute term?" "You'd be surprised," Lucca said. ======== THE CRUSH COURSE OLSEN WORLD "You will love us, mister," Ashley Olsen said. "You have to," Mary-Kate Olsen said. "It's the law here." "This is our world." "What we say goes." "And what we say is... "...that you are to love us." "It's inevitable." "Unavoidable." "So smile." "Smile wider." "Laugh at our jokes." "Watch our movies." "Buy our clothes." "And." "Love." "Us," they chorused. Hugo, bound into a heavy steel chair, his eyes held open with a pair of devices that looked sort of like eyelash trimmers, broke into a cold sweat. Then "Winning London" started to play, and he fought back a scream. ======== ABOARD THE EPOCH BETWEEN TIMES "But that's not important right now," Lucca said briskly. "The best thing to do is to get Jae out of his time before he causes a critical shift or something. If he plays too much of a role in the events of that timeline, he may become too bound to it to leave. He'd cause more damage by going back to 'his' time than he would by staying. "Hold on. Here we go!" Lucca hit the instruments, triggering the Epoch's arrival into 20XX AD, and instantly switched the Epoch to manual control. A map projected itself on the inside of her windshield, telling her that they'd dropped back into realspace about thirty-two thousand feet above Hokkaido. Lucca turned the acceleration from the Epoch's timejump into a controlled dive through the clouds, through two layers of rain and one of smog, and leveled out at ten thousand feet. At the same time that the last of the clouds cleared away, and Lucca found herself staring down a three-story battlemech, wielding a cannon the size of the Epoch and effortlessly waterskiing across the surface of the ocean. As she struggled to swerve to the side, the Epoch took a burst of machine-gun fire from another direction entirely. Bill Rizer and Lucia, each of whom clung to a solid-fuel rocket with one hand while they fired upon Blood Falcon's guardian mech with the other, stopped firing the moment they realized what they'd hit, but the damage had already been done. They looked at each other, shrugged as best they could, and resumed shooting at the mech. "Awww, *shit*," Lucca said, as several of the designated Explosion Gauges exploded. "Crash positions, everyone! We're going down!" The Epoch, trailing smoke, began to plummet towards Hokkaido. ======== PAO PAO CAFE THE PRESENT Yuri decided to get the meeting started. She rapped on the pool table to quiet everyone down, and waited until she had their attention to talk. "I don't know all of you," Yuri said, "and I actually don't like some of you." Vice blew her a kiss. "But this is a problem that we're all dealing with every day, and we've got to face it sooner or later. Someone, or something, is making our lives a living hell. I can't make it through the day without running into a sexcraft master, or ninja panty thieves, or getting clothes-destroying acid spilled all over me, or something equally stupid, and there's *always* a photographer around. I'm not the only one. You're here because you've got the same problems I do, even if they aren't quite as extreme, and something must be--yes, Kula?" "I'm sorry, Miss Sakazaki, but I don't have any of those things happening to me. I'm only here because Angel said she'd buy me a Shirley Temple." "Okay, then. You can--" Kula's powers chose that moment to dramatically misfire. Her leather jumpsuit dropped from room temperature to absolute zero in three seconds, its color brightening from dull black to bluish white. Kula herself blinked once, and looked down, just in time to watch her clothes shatter. "Ack," she said. "That isn't supposed to happen." "Someone get her a robe, for fuck's sake," Yuri said, and Cammy obliged. "But you see, that's just what I'm talking about!" Yuri pointed at Kula. "We all have shit like that happening to us all the time! Lasers from space, nanites tearing apart our clothing, cotton-eating strains of bacteria, claw-wielding Spanish ninja--" "Ah, so you saw me," one of the kegs of beer said. It had a Spanish accent. "Well played, Sakazaki... well played. Until next time..." The keg jumped up and ran out the door. "Did you actually know he was there?" King asked Yuri, sotto voce. "...sure." Yuri shook her head. "This is a problem for all of us! We all wind up having to deal with this on a daily basis! If it was just me, or just Mai, or something, I could deal with it, but *all* of us?" "It could be worse," Kasumi Todo said. "It could be like when you all got Saigado's Disease." Every eye in the room turned towards King, Mai, and Chizuru. Chizuru blushed, Mai looked at the floor, and King put both hands on her hips. "It was an *allergic reaction*, god*dammit*," King growled. "Oh, come on. It's not like that hasn't happened to all of us at one time or another," Mature said. Now everyone was staring at her. "What?" Mature said, innocently. "Changing the subject as *fast as fucking possible*," Yuri said, "which is not to say that I will not *kill you* later, Kasumi--" "I'm very sorry." "--I don't think that this is a coincidence. I think that there's got to be someone behind this, and we've gotta find him, or it, or her, or them, or whatever. We've got to stop this! We're gonna find whoever's doing this, and we're gonna beat his ass! Or her ass! Whatever!" "So... where do we start?" Elena asked. ======== CASTLE AENSLAND (it's right off the freeway, you can't miss it) THE PRESENT "So let me get this straight," Morrigan said, leaning back in her chair. "You, Yuri," she said, pointing, "are accusing me of somehow inciting the general population of Southtown, if not the entire world, to systematically ruin every item of clothing the lot of you own, manufacturing circumstances that somehow leave one or more of you naked in public, and occasionally planting the desire to make-a ze sweet sweet love, heretofore referred to as 'whoopee,' with your friends, colleagues, and opponents, regardless of their gender or your previously established sexual preference." "Why?" Kasumi asked. "Why what?" "Why 'whoopee'?" "I'm a succubus, honey. Never ask why. Now, Yuri, those are the charges?" "Yes." Yuri made a fist and waved it at Morrigan. "And if you don't stop it, we're gonna beat the hell out of you!" "Darling, it isn't me." Morrigan leaned forward in her chair. "Why would I bother to do something like that? I haven't slept with any of you... well, recently. I seduce people. I don't cause other people to be seduced. That's just silly." "She makes a strong case," Chizuru said. "Okay, so if it wasn't you, who was it?" Yuri asked. "I couldn't tell you," Morrigan said. "Have you considered that it might just be coincidence? I mean, most of you *do* fight in scanty-ass, impractical clothes, so of *course* you're gonna wind up flashing your goodies every *so* often--" R. Mika burst into brilliant white fire for a second and a half. When the flames died away, Mika was just fine. Her clothes, on the other hand, weren't. "You were saying?" Yuri said. "I retract the statement," Morrigan said. "Robe, please," Mika said. Leona handed her one. "But anyway, it's a nice idea," Morrigan said, "but it's not me. Sorry." "I'm willing to accept that what she says is the truth," Chun-Li said, "for now." "Okay, fine." Yuri glared at Morrigan. "But if we find out that you were lying..." "What'll you do, dear?" Morrigan asked with mock concern. "Skip our appointment next Tuesday? I was *so* looking forward to--" "We're done here!" Yuri announced, and fairly ran back outside. "But I bought that strawberry-flavored body oil you like!" Morrigan called. ======== PAO PAO CAFE THE PRESENT "So," Mai said, "that was our most obvious lead. I might even say it was as obvious as the robust, healthy sheen cast by Andy's firm ass. What now?" "It's simple, Yuri," Chizuru Kagura said. She stood up, made a fist, and looked off into the distance. Yuri glanced that way, and saw nothing particularly remarkable. "We do what we always do, every time we have a problem like this one." "Completely unprovoked, faintly unrealistic lesbian sex with people we barely know, probably don't like, and try to beat senseless about once every year?" Angel asked. "Wow! That's what *I* do!" Tiffany said. "You and me, we're like twins!" "C'mere, you." "Ooh. So *nasty*." "Despite the obvious merchandising possibilities, that actually wasn't what I meant," Chizuru said. "King, stop staring at them." "Like hell." "No, what I meant was a tournament," Chizuru said, boldly pressing onward. "Whenever trouble is in the air, or a mystery has to be solved, we all know that a tournament is the only thing to do. When the winner's declared, we'll find out who's behind this plague of clothes destruction, one way or the other." "That does always seem to work," Chun-Li said, nodding. Someone knocked on the front door of the Pao Pao, and King went to answer it. She came back a few minutes later, pushing a handtruck piled high with crates. "What's in there?" Mai asked. King shrugged and tore the shipping manifest off of the top crate. "Hmm... oh, this is a mistake. This is for 207 Yamaoka, and we're on 207 Yamahoma. This is a shipment of--" Her eyes got very wide. ======== [FADE IN: [A well-dressed MAN, in Armani or some other kind of expensive Italian suit, has his back to us, aiming a scoped, silenced rifle out the window of a cheap hotel room. He pulls the trigger, and there's a faint "chuff" sound. Then he turns to us. It is DUKE TOGO, also known as GOLGO-13.] DUKE: Good evening. I'm Duke Togo; you may know me from such international incidents as the assassination of the president of Paraguay, and that one time I shot every single person inside a medium-sized Italian restaurant in Brooklyn. I'm a badass. DUKE: However, as badass as I might be, I still get shot at quite often, and sometimes, even an unnamed mook gets lucky. It's hard to keep up my hectic schedule of murder and sex when I'm suffering from multiple gunshot wounds. [DUKE holds up a plastic case, emblazoned with GOLGO-13 in bold lettering. The case holds a jar of what is probably not skin cream, a tube of lotion, a foil-wrapped condom, and a flourescent yellow plastic wiggly thing of indeterminate shape and purpose. He sets the case on the nightstand.] DUKE: I'd been looking into ways to address this issue for years, and finally, my team of trained scientists hit upon a solution, because I would have shot them and their families if they didn't. With Golgo-13 brand adult toys, lubricants, and edible body oils, the number one choice among professional ladies in in both Liberty *and* Vice Cities, I can patch up annoying flesh wounds at the same time I'm entertaining one of my many, many lady friends. They're perfect for the secret agent, aimless criminal, or violently-inclined fetishist on the go. [DUKE is suddenly distracted by something happening outside the window. He takes aim and fires the rifle a few times. The lights dim, except for the one illuminating the case of products.] VOICEOVER: "Golgo-13" sex products should only be used by adults for their intended purpose. Put it down, little Billy, you *really* don't want to know where that's been. "Golgo-13" sex products are considered of dubious legality in any U.N. member nation where Golgo-13 is currently wanted for murder (that would be all of them), and in forty-nine of the fifty states. Sorry, Tennessee! [DUKE turns around and shoots the screen with a silenced pistol. Fade to black.] ======== "How much of that... stuff... is in there?" Yuri asked, looking inside the box on the top. "According to this shipping manifest," King said, "a month's supply. It was meant for some sex shop that I've never even heard of." ======== Norimaro tapped his fingers rhythmically against the countertop. He couldn't understand why "Crazy Norimaro's Bar, Grill, and Ladies-Only House of Nookie" was flopping so badly. Maybe it was the giant phallic neon sign. Was it too subtle? ======== Yuri and King looked at each other. They looked at the six boxes of toys. Yuri and King looked at each other. They looked at Mai, who was already tearing open the second box. Yuri and King looked at each other. "Frankly," Yuri said, "I suspect treachery." "Interesting way of going about it, don't you think?" King asked. "Ooh! This one has to be pull-started!" Mai said. Chun-Li raised an eyebrow. "You can't argue with that." "Oh, what the hell," Yuri said. ======== THE PAO PAO CAFE FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER "I hope this Sakazaki person has some answers," Lei-Fang said to Christie Montiero, as they came through the front door. "I'm *so sick* of this!" "Tell it," Christie said. "Just because I've had a couple of bad experiences with bikini tops, the whole damn *world* thinks I'm an exhibitionist!" "I'm just happy that I'm not all alone in this," Kasumi (the other one, the ninja) said. "I mean, some mornings, I can't even get out of bed." "That's because of all the *people* in it, you slut," Ayane hissed. "Aren't *you* the one who can't seem to teleport *with* her clothes?" "Vapid whore!" "Shallow tramp!" "What sounds like a chainsaw?" Christie wondered out loud. "Could you knock it off for just one night?" Lei-Fang asked, looking pointedly at Kasumi and Ayane. "Seriously." She pushed open the door to the back room. "It's like the two of you can't go five minutes without a catfight--sweet blessed *Buddha*." "Um... it's not what you think?" Yuri stammered, from inside. "Good," Christie said. "Otherwise, I'd wonder what you were doing with that feather duster." "It just so happens that Makoto is *very dirty*." "Hey!" ======== SOUTHTOWN THE FUTURE "You're late, Kim." "It couldn't be helped," Kim said as he entered the resistance's headquarters, in the ruins of what had once been Park World. "But hey, look! I found more time-displaced warriors from the past!" "Again?" The woman who'd spoken was bald and Japanese, dressed in loose-fitting black linen, and held a half-smoked cigarette between her lips. A cyborg ferret perched on her shoulder, hissing in a modulated voice. "What the *fuck*. It's starting to be like fucking *clockwork*--Jae?" "Do I know you?" Jae asked, but knew the answer to his question the moment he asked it. "Wait... *Hotaru*?" "Yeah," Hotaru Futaba said, and spat out her cigarette. "Been a long time." "You've--" "Changed?" Hotaru asked. "Yeah, I guess I have. The future'll do that to you." "Mom, Jae, these are the last of the resistance fighters in Southtown," Kim said, managing to stay calm. "There are more, but they're out of town at the moment, trying to get us some more help. You know Hotaru." "Yes, I suppose I do." Jae shook it off. "Who else is there?" "Well, this is Bonnie Hood," Kim said. "She was nearly killed battling Shishio's minions. We found her in time, but we could only save her brain, and the only thing handy was a Huitzil." "Define 'irony'," the Huitzil unit said. "Give an example." "Hello." "Hello yourself, meatsack." "Hey! None of that," Kim said sternly. "Finally, for now, this is Riki and Mami Makishi. They've been a big help against the inevitable big robots that seem to show up so often around here." "Hello," Riki said. "It's very nice to meet you." "Whassup, mothafucka?" Mami said, flashing a hand signal of unknown meaning. "...right." Kim smiled faintly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I just tried to put the moves on my time-displaced mom about an hour ago. I'll be in the bathroom, scrubbing off my top layer of skin in a futile attempt to cleanse myself of the evil." "Wait, Kim," NEG said. "We need to talk." "It can wait, Mom," Kim said. "Just settle in for now, okay? You and Uncle Jae can help yourself to whatever." He let himself out. "This is weirder than usual, isn't it?" NEG asked. "I suppose so," Jae said, "but it really is a great opportunity to ladle out extra servings from the thick rich stew of justi--" He stopped. He blinked. "*Uncle Jae*?!" NEG replayed the last few minutes of conversation in her head. Her jaw dropped. "No," she said. "I couldn't. I *wouldn't*." "But--" "I see we've got guests," a new voice said from behind them. NEG and Jae turned around to see a man wearing a dark blue ninja outfit as he easily lowered himself through a hole in the ceiling. Jae started to drop into his fighting stance, but then he noticed Hotaru and the Makishis weren't alarmed. Slowly, he relaxed. "Ah," the ninja said. "Lost in time, huh?" He chuckled. "Yeah. I guess we were about due for that." "Do we know you?" NEG asked. "You did. Maybe you do," the ninja said. "I don't know." He removed his mask. It took them a moment to recognize him. "*Fuuma*?!" ======== SOUTHTOWN THE PRESENT The next morning, no one was awake yet. That afternoon, they were awake, but they were kind of busy. That evening, the word went out, to all the women in the world who had risen to mastery of the martial arts. The Kagura Foundation (producers of the hit television series "When Orochi Blood Attacks") was sponsoring yet another new tournament, this one intended for single contestants, and limited to only female entrants. It would be the first tournament of its kind in the new millennium, meant to show the world the true power and skill of the supposedly weaker sex. It was called, simply enough, the Queen of Fighters 2003. Strangely, they refused to license the broadcast rights. ======== Ishizaki, for some reason, wasn't answering his cell 'phone. This pissed Karin off. She hadn't bothered to respond to Sakazaki's meeting, because one did not *summon* Kanzakis. One asked the permission of a Kanzaki to have a meeting, and perhaps, with sufficient groveling, the Kanzaki would deign to call it to order. The fact that Karin's entire wardrobe had fallen prey to fabric-munching mutant fire ants from Mars not twelve hours beforehand did not enter into Karin's decision-making process. So, given the lack of her most faithful servant, and her current inability to leave her house, Karin began to contemplate her other options. Clearly, if Kagura was holding a tournament, she would have to invite Karin. Further, if Kagura was bothering with such an extreme and obvious move, that meant she had some idea of who was behind it all. Karin sent one servant to buy her some more clothes, and another to personally deliver Karin's acceptance of her invitation to the QOF2K3. The rest, she set to work. When Kagura's tournament flushed out the real mastermind behind this plot, Karin intended to make that mastermind pay in gallons of blood and dozens of broken bones, and as distasteful as it was, there was really only one organization she trusted with this kind of extreme pain. That was Violence Unlimited. ======== THE PACIFIC OCEAN On a small tropical island in the South Seas, there is a statue made of gold. It is sixty feet tall, and hollow. If one were to look closely at the outside of the statue, one might see the broadcast antennae, or the small satellite dish inside the statue's left earlobe, where it could be mistaken for an earring. One might even miss the entrance to the facility within the statue, which was concealed inside the statue's left foot. >From inside the statue's head, looking out at the island through the statue's eyes, one man watched the first commercial for the Queen of Fighters 2003, and the news broadcast that followed it. The world media had already begun speculating on who would enter the tournament, and who would win it. "Baby?" The man turned slightly, as a woman rode a small elevator into view. She wore a simple white bikini, and smelled faintly of suntan lotion. "Yeah, Nikki, I'm here," the man said. Nikki crossed the room and leaned on the back of the man's chair. "Watchin' the news?" "Watchin' the fools fall into my trap, sweet thing," the man said. "Chizzy Kagura, she did exactly what we thought she'd do, y'know? Soon she, and all the other *fine* ladies in the world, will fall into the hands... of Zack. Heh, heh, heh... haHAHAHAHAHOHAWWWWHAHAHAA*HAA*--" Nikki punched him. "--what?" ======== TO BE CONTINUED ======== AUTHOR'S NOTES: Oh, shut the fuck up. You'd think you people had never gotten an idea from doujinshi before. Essentially, my new plot thread is a play off of all of the gratuitous fanservice in FAJ and works like it, including that which is to be found in the source material itself. This was written a bit faster than I would've liked, and with a bit more baggage from the previous chapters than I would've preferred, but all in all, I'm fairly content with it. If you don't like it, then I hope you get advanced *leprosy*, your fingers *rot off* at the *knuckle*, and you die of associated *complications* before you can put your bleeding *stumps* to a *keyboard* to *tell* me about it, you *fucker*. Share the love, baby. For the record, Riki and Mami Makishi are from Bangai-O!, a Treasure shooter for the DC. They are woefully and purposefully misrepresented. Thomas Wilde Maryville, Missouri 1/17/02--2/8/02