On a plane to Miami, Florida, two oni relaxed in their chairs and enjoyed 
their newfound freedom. One was a blue, behemoth, ogre-like creature 
with an iron ball and chain. The other looked like a human without skin, 
wearing a colorful and stupid looking mask and a metal club for a hand. 
They were both wearing clean, white 3-piece suits that looked more 
comedic than dapper. Especially since the smaller one was festering with 
flies and locusts.

The gigantic Moloch laughed. "This time we really free!"

"Yup," Drahmin agreed. "Freedom awesome!"

"And all that money for ordering pizza, too!"

"It went too well."

Moloch smiled. "When me lied about watching Quan's fortress while he 
gone, he couldn't give me enough pizza money!"

"Quan Chi is such chump. He too naïve."

"Yeah! What idiot!"

Drahmin laid back. "We just lay back in Miami for little bit."

"If me see Quan Chi's dumb face again, it be too soon! Ha ha!"

"You said it."

While the two oni beasts laughed, a voice came from behind them. "Dumb 
face, you say? I don't get the joke."

Moloch and Drahmin immediately sweatdropped and shook with fear. "Uh oh!" 
they both yelled.

"Quan," Drahmin started, "great to see you."

"My flight to Outworld was cancelled. I have to make a stopover at 
Miami."

"Great," the oni duo muttered.

"On the way back home, remind me to stop by South Town Video. I have some 
movies I need to rent."

Moloch started tearing up. "No! Not 'Ninja Mime' starring Johnny Cage!"

"Just for that, I'm tossing in 24 Karate Gold. Is that enough or do you 
want a Johnny Cage movie marathon? I'm sure I can pick up The Gist of My 
Fist while I'm at it."

Moloch and Drahmin pouted.

[---]

Battler Man woke up in a drunken stupor. "I had that dream again... Wait, 
I mean I had *a* dream."

"Sir," the bartender said while poking him. "It's your turn."

"My what?"

"Your turn, sir."

"What... are we playing quarters?"

"No, it's your turn to play that dancing game."

Battler Man rubbed his eyes. "I... I never danced a day in my life."

"Well you better start now, sir. Your opponent finished up two minutes 
ago."

"...opponent?"

"Yes, the Smoker. He lasted about ten seconds before losing his breath 
and passing out. Too much smoking, I guess."

"Oh." Battler Man tried to widen his eyes. He saw a colorful blur across 
the room that spun back and forth. He stumbled to his feet and swayed in 
its direction. But not before leaving a tip to the bartender.

"Sir, this isn't money. This is a..." he read the label, "Battler 
Exploitive Yellow Penalty Flag. Oh, wait. I read that wrong. It's a 
Battler Explos--"

*BOOM!*

"All right, what am I supposed to do here?" he asked nobody in 
particular.

"You're supposed to step on those arrows when they appear on the screen," 
somebody said back.

Battler Man looked at the list of songs and slowly held his finger across 
the buttons. "I'll... I guess I'll take this one."

"Are you sure?" the employee asked. "That's one of the hardest songs on 
there. It's Catastrophic!"

"Just turn on the jukebox, jerk." Battler Man stumbled upon the DDR pad.

"If you say so. Here goes nothing." The employee pressed several buttons 
and the screen displayed the new song accompanied by a dancer, mimicking 
Battler Man's drunken action.

The song started.

The Smoker smiled. There was no way Battler Man could keep up with him. 
Smoker knew he had two left feet.

But then he heard a campy guitar rhythm. After a moment of listening to 
the surfer rock music, realization of what song it was finally kicked in 
to the Cowboy Prince of Crime.

"This should be interesting."

o/~ Dananananananana Battler! Danananananananana Battler! BATTLER! 
BATTLER! Battler! o/~

On the monitor, Battler Man could make out the wave of arrows about go 
through the cursor. He and everyone else in the bar fully expected him 
to fall on his face and lose horribly, letting his team down.

But then something extraordinary happened...

Some said that it was from the alcohol. Some said it was a power he 
always had deep inside. And some even claimed that it was divine 
intervention. Who knows? Maybe it was more than one.

Battler Man began to sway his arms from side to side. His hands slowly 
rose to his face. He stroked his fingers over the right side of his face, 
followed by stroking the left side. Then he lifted up his forearm and 
stroked his fingers down them. After repeating with the other forearm, 
he returned to stroking his face. But during all of this, his legs were 
tapping the buttons at amazing speeds, doing combinations that went 
against the laws of physics. While his top half was sluggish, his bottom 
half was a blur. Kinda like that one jeans commercial.

The Smoker looked at the amazing dance steps of his arch-nemesis. He had 
been defeated by Battler Man in many ways. Sometimes with fists, 
sometimes with gadgets, and sometimes from just shooting himself in the 
face.

But this time he lost to the Battler-tusi.

[---]

FORGOT ABOUT JAE
Chapter 30: Cracker Jack of Hearts

Story picked from your pocket by Shelby Scott, the Darkheart One.

Chapter rocked like a hurricane by Gavin "Gavok" Jasper

[---]

Last time on Forgot About Jae

- 2 vampires + 2 hairy fat guys + 2 military men + 1 persistent oni = 
lots and lots of bruises.

- The Contest began. It's like the Secret Wars, but only it's not really 
a secret!

- The Eternal Champion appeared in a fanfic, which happens once every 
seven years I believe.

- Angel discarded her censor bar for something more conservative.

- Geese Howard shared a scene with a giant statue of Blue Suede Goo. You 
don't know how long I've waited to say that.

- For the second chapter in a row, Jae reunited with a family member. 
Sorry, but I don't plan on using his mom in this one.

- Rock's descent into madness originally began when he changed his pants. 
Now we know that his hatred of Jae began when he needed to change his 
pants.

[---]

Dong Hwan found it weird that the Smoothie King was completely empty. But 
that didn't stop him from playing from the lone arcade machine, which 
featured the game Aggressors of Dark Kombat. He minded his own business, 
using his character against a basketball-playing Gary Coleman when he 
thought he saw a red blur behind him.

Dong turned around to see nothing.

He continued playing. During this, the big brawl between Dio Brando, 
Vanilla Ice, Chang Koehan, Garuda, Gordon Koehan-Heidern, Ralf Jones and 
Clark Steele had rolled back into the Smoothie King. Angel followed them, 
watching the fight for the entertainment value. Still wearing the loose 
pants of the late Geese Howard, she had to hold the waist with both hands 
in order to keep them up.

"Excuse me," a voice said within the room. "I was wonder-- oof!"

Chang's ball swing missed Garuda and knocked the red-clad shape across 
the shop.

"I'd like to order a sund-- ow!"

The World accidentally punched the red blur over Dong's shoulders after 
missing Clark.

"Is there a line or wh--"

"GALACTICA PHANTOM!"

The red haze was launched again, bouncing around like a tennis ball. 
Finally he stood up, dusted himself off, and walked out the door. "Nuts 
to you guys, I'm late for poker anyway."

Kim Dong Hwan ceased playing the arcade game, turned around and 
exclaimed, "FUUMA'S *BACK*!"

Garuda sniffed and turned around. It and Dong Hwan commenced with ten 
seconds of eye contact and silence.

"Your epidermis is untied," Dong told It.

Garuda just advanced, slowly trying to corner Its Prey. Then It was 
conked on the head by an electric nightstick. Kim Dong Hwan exited with 
his hands in his pockets and casually fell into an open manhole. Garuda 
shook Its head and ran out the entrance, unsure of where the boy ran off 
to.

Back inside, Dio called the World to punch Chang's head off. But before 
he could command it, Ralf let loose a series of flame-filled punches that 
knocked the vampire over the counter. He stood up to see Vanilla Ice's 
neck gripped by the powerhouse Gordon, who flexed into a grotesque 
mountain of muscle before uppercutting Ice into his master.

Dio and Ice got to their feet to see that they were out-numbered. The 
Ikari Warriors didn't even lay a finger on Chang.

"Why are you attacking us?" Dio asked in annoyance. "What have we done to 
you?"

Clark straightened his cap. "The big guy is family. You mess with him, 
you mess with us."

Vanilla Ice looked at the newcomer. "And you?"

Gordon pointed his nightstick. "Don't you worry about me, Fabio."

The pantsless vampire whispered to his master. "I fear there are too 
many. Maybe you should stop time and escape."

"I can't. The oaf with the chains can stop time too." Dio saw Angel in 
the corner of his eye, getting bored. "Hold on, I think I have an idea. 
Get me two vanilla cones, quick."

"Master Dio, this isn't the time to..."

"Do it!"

Still inside his Stand Cream, Vanilla Ice prepared two two-scoop vanilla 
cones and handed them to his master.

"Hey, Angel! Catch!" Dio tossed the cones one at a time at the platinum-
haired woman. Out of instinct, she snatched the first one out of the air 
with her right hand, and then caught the second one with her left.

Without anything holding it up, Geese's hakama fell to the floor. And the 
eyes on the room were no longer on the vampire duo. Sure, there's a 
chance that Chang and Gordon were actually captivated by the ice cream, 
but let's not split hairs.

Cream swallowed Vanilla Ice. "And awayyyyyy we go!" Looking away from 
Angel, he transformed into a ball and blasted through the wall, with Dio 
and the World following behind.

Angel tried to find a place to put her ice cream cones. "Excuse me, but 
would any of you guys mind holding these?"

Gordon stepped forward.

"She's talking about the ice cream, doof," Ralf explained.

"I know."

[---]

Poison held up hir beer. "D'arby, you made it! About fucking time."

"Good to see you too, Poison. CJ, Hugo, um... I don't believe I know the 
fellow in the jacket."

Hugo grunted. "Drrrrvrrr."

"Ah. Nice to meet you, Mr. Driver." D'arby looked around. "So where is 
your gopher, Jake?"

CJ blinked. "Who?"

"You know, Jake. The guy who started working here fairly recently?"

Poison lifted hir eyebrow. "You mean Jae?"

"Yes, Jae."

"What the fuck do you care about Jae?"

"Well... it's nice to play against some new blood sometimes."

The Driver pointed to the TV where Sentinel and Kreuzritter were going at 
it.

"He's taking part in the Contest? Odd." D'arby didn't seem so concerned 
though. "Well, let's get started."

"Hold on," Poison said. "Me and CJ need to get some more beers."

Cracker Jack followed hir out the room. "That's right. But remember that 
I'm not playing. I can't gamble for shit."

With CJ and Poison gone, D'arby pointed at the screen. "So I guess you're 
in support of Kreuzritter, right Hugo?"

"Nrrrggh."

"Really? Why not?"

"Mmkjrmmnnlkbdd."

"Yes, I guess he does make you Germans look bad. So you think Sentinel 
will win?"

"Nnssntlwinnn."

"Oh, you *know* Sentinel will win."

"Btmllndllrsnnnt."

"Heh. You would bet a million dollars on it. That's a lot of money, my 
overgrown friend. You must be confident. Would you even bet your soul?"

Hugo shrugged. "Wwwtvrrr."

"Good."

[---]

The almost two hour battle between American Sentinel and Kreuzritter was 
nothing but a long, vaguely exciting standstill. Sentinel's strength and 
speed could rarely get past Kreuzritter's strange and unpredictable 
powers over the elements. With only a few moments left, the two believed 
that the identity of the winner would be up to the Eternal Champion 
himself.

But then Sentinel got the break he was looking for. Kreuzritter commanded 
the lava below to surround his enemy in a tornado. Sentinel spun around 
as the burning walls of liquid closed in on him. But he saw a part of the 
tornado's wall open up to show his opponent like a window opening. 
Despite it only happening for a split second, it was still long enough 
for the hero to zoom out of peril and deliver a monstrous punch directly 
to Kreuzritter's stomach.

Time seemed to pause as everybody watching the fight held their bellies 
and groaned.

The blow banished the evil German into a wall of black rock. He left an 
imprint of his likeness before collapsing and diving to the ground. 
Sentinel, with his cape blowing in triumph, stepped over to the 
struggling villain.

"It's over, Kreuzritter."

"Moo!"

"Huh?"

*crunch*

Kreuzritter blinked. "Was I just saved by a falling *cow*?!"

Somewhere else, Evil the Cat snickered while holding down a rope. "Told 
you he wasn't cow proof."

[---]

Hugo broke a chair in anger. Daniel J. only smiled.

"That's too bad, Hugo. But a deal is a deal. Sorry, my friend."

"Hrr?"

Osiris, a Stand the size of Hugo, appeared and pulled the big man's soul 
out of his body. It then clapped its hands over the soul and flattened it 
into a poker chip featuring Hugo's likeness.

Hugo's body hit the floor.

The Driver pulled out a gun and aimed it at D'arby's head.

"That isn't a nice first impression, now is it?"

"What the fuck is going on in here?!" Poison screamed.

"Would you like to play too, Poison?"

"What did you do to Hugo, you son of a bitch?!" shi asked.

"I simply stole his soul. It's just business. You of all people should 
understand that."

CJ frowned. "What do you want with Hugo?"

"It's not Hugo that I want, Jack. It's Jae. And I think you all would 
make some nice bargaining chips."

"And what if I give Driver the directions to pull the trigger?"

"Then I guess I would make your walls all messy, wouldn't I? But also 
you'd be short one living giant. If I die, he dies."

"How do you know? You haven't died before, have you? What if killing you 
brings Hugo back?"

"I... I just know, okay?"

CJ nodded. "Driver, waste him."

"No, wait!" Everyone looked at Poison. "I'll play for Hugo's soul."

"Do you gamble your own soul, old friend?"

"Yes."

"GOOD!"

[---]

Back at the clock tower, Samus dodged more of Sigma's firepower. He 
didn't even have to try hard to chase her. Her incessant whining made it 
like shooting ducks in a barrel.

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Samus-chan doesn't like this! Waaaaa-- ah!" The 
final shout was of Samus Aran's true voice. "I can't take it anymore! 
Costume OFF!"

The armor retracted, bringing her back to her tube-top and mini-skirt. 
She took a deep breath of relief.

Sigma nodded. "Thank you."

"I don't take it you can grant me a little head start for that?"

Sigma sighed. "Fine. One minute."

Samus hid behind a gear and took out a strange object that the mysterious 
Zero Mask gave her a week earlier. It was nothing more than a dusty lamp, 
but she was sure it would come in handy somehow.

"Maybe this message on the bottom means something. First I just rub this 
dust off it... and... there we go. 'Made in China.' Well, that's a real 
help."

Just then, a cloud of smoke exited the lamp and a muscular giant with a 
turban and curly mustache appeared. Despite his awesome presence, his 
legs were non-existent, represented by smoke. He crossed his arms and 
stared down at the curious Samus Aran.

"YOU HAVE RELEASED ME FROM MY LAMP PRISON! I SHALL GRANT YOU THREE WISHES 
AND ONLY THREE WISHES! SO SAYS THE MYSTICAL GENIE OF THE LAMP... but you 
can call me Justin."

"...Justin?"

"Yeah, Justin. Justin Bailey's my full name. SO WHAT WILL BE YOUR FIRST 
WISH!?"

"...Justin?"

"Oh, shut up. Like your name is so great. I mean what kind of name is 
'Samus'? Really. NOW WHAT WILL YOUR FIRST WISH BE... *snicker* 
...SAMUS!?"

"In order to use my powers to their full extent, I have to wear an armor 
fuku that makes me act like a completely annoying idiot, totally ruining 
my reputation as a badass bounty hunter. But when I revert back to 
normal, I can't actually fight."

"SO YOUR WISH IS SO THAT YOU CAN FIGHT WITH FULL POWER WHILE KEEPING YOUR 
NORMAL MENTAL STATE?!"

"Exactly!"

"THEN IT SHALL BE DONE!"

With a snap of Justin Bailey's finger, Samus's costume changed. Her arm-
cannon was attached, but she felt fine. Then she noticed that it was a 
little colder. Looking down, she saw that she was clad in only a red, 
one-piece bikini.

"Oh, now what the fuck!?"

Justin shrugged. "What?"

"What's with this getup!? I'm supposed to be a positive role model to 
woman all over the galaxy and you have me wearing *this*!?"

"I think it looks nice on you."

"You would. And why is my hair green?"

"Makes me think of Christmas."

"All right, asshole. For my second wish I want the powers and sane 
thinking from my first wish, but I want actual armor this time!"

"THEN IT SHALL BE DONE!"

With a snap of Justin's finger, Samus transformed once again. Content 
with being in armor, she looked into the reflection of a large and shiny 
metal gear. What she saw was a somewhat tight-fitting outfit with odd 
shoulder proportions. Strange spikes came out of the arms and she had a 
really goofy visor. That plus the mostly blue color made it an eyesore.

Justin leaned on a wall. "Sooooo... thoughts?"

"Give me the bikini back. This is plain hideous."

"THEN IT SHALL BE DONE! THAT WAS WISH NUMBER THREE! I! AM! OUTTA HERE!"

Justin Bailey snapped his fingers and vanished in a puff of smoke, 
leaving green-haired Samus to fend for herself. She looked at her costume 
again and sighed.

"Well, at least I can dish out the punishment with a clear mind."

*blast*

Sigma looked down upon the smoking and unconscious Samus Aran. "But 
without armor you seem to have a hard time taking it. Oh, and also: 
time's up."

[---]

Ah, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Such a beautiful melody. A truly timeless 
classic that had been graced upon us by one of the greatest composers to 
ever walk upon God's green earth. It was that song that was playing on 
the giant piano before the enormous Blue Suede Goo statue.

And while Geese himself had to enjoy the lovely music, Zan had a hard 
time doing so. This was probably due to the fact that Geese was using 
Zan to play the tune by smashing his body on the appropriate keys like a 
rag doll.

"This is very... OOF! ...not sexy."

"Well if you want to look good, then allow me to show you a place where 
you'll be the most attractive one around." The grim martial artist picked 
up his enemy's ancestor and tossed him high into the air, directly at the 
statue's head. Zan's unconscious body became lodged in the left nostril.

With his arms crossed upward, Geese bowed his head and said nothing more 
than, "Yabo."

[---]

The defeated Smoker looked over to Dr. Butler. "Yabo? What the hell does 
that even mean?"

"Now, now," the caveman villain said. "I'm sure he meant to say Yabo dabo 
doo."

"............*cough*"

[---]

Kim Kaphwan was a great fighter. No question. But he wasn't the best. Not 
by a long shot. And despite his faith in goodness and strong heart, he 
didn't have what it took to defeat the lord of the vampires. I mean, look 
at Dracula. He was able to get Frankenstein's monster and Death to work 
for him. The best Kim would ever get was a guy who resembled John 
"Earthquake" Tenta.

After getting blasted back by a fireball, Kim's brain sprung to action 
with an idea that could take Drac down. It was a long shot, but it was 
his last resort.

"Abracadabra."

"You son of a--"

With a poof, Dracula transformed into a bat. Well, it looked like a bat 
at least. By the way Kim manhandled it, one could argue that Dracula 
turned himself into a hacky sack. As much fun as that was, Kim needed to 
end the match quickly before the time was up. So he axe-kicked the little 
bugger down below, crossed his arms, smiled and finished him off.

"Hocus pocus."

Dracula went back to his vampire form and descended down the Pit, where 
he landed through a rusty spike. Luckily for him it wasn't wood, but he 
was still pretty light-headed from the beating. He went under, giving the 
victory to Kim Kaphwan.

"Wow," the Tae Kwon Do enthusiast said to himself. "I can't believe that 
worked."

[---]

"They say E. Honda made the Kessel Run in five parsecs!"

"Other than sumo, he developed two other fighting styles! And he keeps 
them in a vault!"

"He surgically implanted a laser onto Kano's eye!"

"Not bad for a ten foot tall son of a bitch who weighs 1150 pounds!"

"E. Honda gave Johann rabies!"

"He's the only non-American allowed to run for president!"

"His summer house is guarded by Mousers!"

"The rippling in his stomach holds the secret to perpetual motion!"

"He still believes in Sheng Long! And he wants to put him in porno 
films!"

"TO E. HONDA!"

[---]

Quan Chi watched the Contest within his lair. Thanks to TiVo he already 
got to watch the Jae/Rock match, so he was awaiting the Final Showdown 
finale with little interest. As he sat, his fingers steepled and an evil 
grin appeared on his face, he pondered the current situation.

"Yes... everything is indeed going according to plan."

Meanwhile, Moloch was holding the newspaper with Drahmin sitting next to 
him, peering over his shoulder.

"What happen there?" Moloch asked.

"Orange kitty eat all lasagna. Man get angry at kitty."

"Tee hee. Comics funny."

"Me not get why Haggar Horrible so strong but no slaughter weak."

Quan Chi looked over at his henchmen. "Would you two hush? I'm enjoying 
my triumph."

Drahmin lifted his club hand.

"Yes, Drahmin?"

"Why you make Jae and Rock no like other?"

"I thought I explained this to you. It's how I do things. I find it's 
more necessary to get rid of my potential enemies indirectly. I saw Rock 
Howard and Kim Jae Hoon as likely obstacles, so I decided I would have 
them either kill each other or renounce their goodness and replace it 
with evil. I succeeded with Howard, but I'm afraid the Kim boy will need 
more pushing."

"But why Jae and Rock?" Moloch asked.

"This city of South Town is one of the most dangerous places of residence 
in the last several decades. And during this time, it had mostly been 
run with an iron fist by that man." Quan Chi pointed at the screen. 
"Geese Howard. And who was the man who ended his beautiful reign of 
terror? A homeless wretch named Terry Bogard. But Geese had a son. And 
Terry Bogard raised this son as his own, filling him with ideals of truth 
and goodness. Then he met a man named Kain Heinlein--"

Moloch rested his head in his hand. "Bo-ring!"

"Shut up! Fine. The point is, Rock Howard could have gone either way. He 
could have turned into a hero like his adoptive father or a villain like 
his biological father."

Drahmin scratched his head. "But when you give me speech of birds and 
bees you say that woman needed because she has--"

"Shut up! I'm speaking! So I manipulated time in a way that Jae has 
turned Rock in the path of his father. Now it is a given that he will not 
step in my way. And hopefully he will be like his true father. Because 
Kyo Kusanagi can try as he might, but he will never be Geese Howard. Even 
with Shang Tsung working for him."

Moloch raised his hand.

"Yes, Moloch..."

"Is Kyo hiring?"

"Shut. Up." Quan Chi gestured with his hand and the channel changed to 
show the events of several weeks beforehand. "Now as for Kim Jae Hoon, he 
never truly registered on my radar. He was part of my plot to turn Rock 
already, but I never gave much thought to the idea that he could 
eventually spoil my evil plans..."

"What plans?" Drahmin wondered out loud.

Quan Chi slammed his fists onto his desk and stood up in anger. "What 
part of 'shut up' don't you understand!? For the love of evil, why the 
hell do I even keep you two around!? It's times like this when I wonder 
why I ever got rid of Baraka!"

Quietly, Moloch reminded him, "You say Baraka talk too much about how 
much of drag it is when girlfriend Mileena give him blow--"

"Oh, right." Quan Chi sat back down in his chair. "Where was I?"

"Jae not on radar," Drahmin recapped.

"Thank you. Can't believe I forgot about Jae. Now despite Kim Jae Hoon's 
mostly pure heritage, his family has not had the success of Bogard, 
Howard, or even Kusanagi. But this incident on the monitor made me think 
twice. Are you following me?"

"Duhhhh..."

"Yes, Moloch. That *is* Jedah on the screen. Once I saw how Kim Jae Hoon 
handled himself against one of Hell's greatest enemies, I couldn't help 
but be intrigued. So like Rock, I decided to turn him to evil. He has put 
up resistance, but I believe it won't be long until I can make his heart 
as dark as mine. Even now his soul is filled with despair about the 
trouble he had caused. Soon there will be no one who can stop me from 
fulfilling my evil plans."

"What evil plans?" Moloch repeated.

"Oh, don't you fret my dear oni. These are indeed great evil plans."

"What are they?" Moloch still wondered.

"Yeah! You can tell we! Us loyal!"

"Heh. Well, you see my plans... uh..."

"Do they involve zombies?" butted Drahmin.

Quan Chi stroked his chin. "Hm. Maybe. Changing the subject, I did pretty 
damn well at Bingo tonight and--"

"Wait minute!" Moloch exclaimed. "You really don't have evil plans!"

"I do too! Really! I'm just... uh... not telling you guys because you'd 
tell Shang Tsung."

"So are plans about ruling world or destroying world?" asked Drahmin.

"Shut up!"

Moloch smirked. "He don't have evil plans."

"Quiet! Both of you! Now let's just say that I didn't have any evil 
plans. Once I did, there would be nothing in my way to stop me. I mean, 
it's not like my plans have a tendency to blow up in my face, right?"

As if on cue, Scorpion the undead ninja busted through the door and shook 
his fist at the bald albino.

"QUAN CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!! Me, my family and my clan are dead and 
it's all your fault!"

Quan Chi, Moloch and Drahmin just blankly stared at him. Moloch shook his 
head and said, "That so one year ago."

"Well I'm still going to kick Quan's ass! And nothing can stand in my 
way!"

Moloch and Drahmin stood up. This accidentally caused Moloch to pound his 
head into the ceiling.

Scorpion lifted his brow. "Well, fuck."

[---] 

Fuuma looked D'arby dead in the eye. He was absolutely confident that his 
hand would win back the souls of Poison and Hugo. Even the great gambler 
was concerned with what the plucky ninja had.

"Your move, Fuuma," D'arby said.

"Go fish!"

"...we're playing poker."

"Oh. Then I fold."

Osiris appeared again.

"Wait!" CJ begged. "Not yet!"

Osiris paused, though CJ couldn't see it.

CJ smacked Fuuma in the back of the head.

"Okay, go ahead."

[---]

A limousine pulled up in an otherwise empty parking garage. A window near 
the back rolled down and a deep, Japanese voice spoke. "I know you're 
there, Abobo. I wish to speak with you."

A brick wall crumbled, revealing the monstrosity, looking somewhat 
different since his last appearance in this story. Now the giant wore a 
pink muscle shirt, similar to Hugo's and at some point decided to grow a 
ponytail. Annoyed, he walked over to the limo with his hands out, intent 
on twisting it into a pretzel.

"Now now, Abobo," the man said from within the limo. "There is no need 
for that."

"ABOBO!"

"Do you know who I am, Abobo?" Heihachi Mishima moved his head towards 
the window. Abobo nodded, but still didn't put his hands down. "Good. 
Then I can spare you the introduction. I have been hearing lots of things 
about you, Abobo. Good things. I hear you roughed up Hugo Andore not too 
long ago. Is this true? And his ninja friend?"

Abobo lowered his hands. He looked at Heihachi, puzzled, for a moment 
until finally saying, "What do you want?"

"I have a proposition for you. I have a spot open in my pet project 
SCABS. It would be perfect for a man of your size and strength. I am very 
wealthy and I can make you *very* powerful. So what do you say?"

Abobo smiled.

"Good." Heihachi opened the door. "Come ride with me. We'll discuss the 
details. Oh, and also you have to change your name to Abubo."

"ABUBO?!"

"Yes, they made a mistake with your nametag and the paperwork would be 
too annoying if we were to fix it."

[---]

"DOUSHITA!" the loud crowd hailed again and again. This crowd was, of 
course, made up of Karnov, Blanka, Dig Dug, Jin Saotome, Chu Chu, 
Strength, Lion, Fygar (who had a suspicious scar over his right eye), and 
Fygar's many minions. All of them flexed their arms while cheering for 
their god.

As the whole crowd hushed down, Dan Hibiki took the stage. He took a 
silent, serious look at all of those attending. With a deep breath, he 
addressed the whole lot of them.

"OOSHA!!"

The crowd cheered. Again they started the chanting of "doushita".

"Just like the prophecy had stated, I am back, baby! And now that I'm 
free, it's time to spread the word of Saikyo stronger than ever! But 
before we can do that, we must destroy the one true antagonist of 
Saikyo." The crowd bowed their heads in understanding. "We must destroy 
the One-Eyed Sinmeister!"

"Just say Sagat, you dickweed!" Benimaru shouted as he walked on 
stage. "Sinmeister? Please!"

"Ah! I see it is the Chosen One. We finally meet."

"We've met before, Dan."

"I mean face to face. After you became my Chosen One."

Beni nodded. "I need to ask you something."

"Anything, future husband of the virgin maiden Chu Chu."

In the crowd, Chu Chu shifted her eyes nervously.

"You are the real Dan Hibiki, right?"

"Right."

"As in, not one of those godly illusions or your not from a dream or 
anything, right? I mean, I'm really speaking to the actual Dan Hibiki in 
the flesh?"

"Yes, my child."

"That's all I needed to know." Benimaru cracked his knuckles and rushed 
Dan, trying to strangle him to death. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE 
YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE 
YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"

[---]

The three survivors of the good guys team got ready for the Final 
Showdown against the opposing three villain survivors. Jae wanted to talk 
to his father about how depressed he was, knowing that he somehow caused 
his best friend to hate him with a passion, but he was afraid of the 
repercussions of what could happen to the space-time continuum. His 
Nameless Everpresent Girlfriend had to watch in the stands, but he wanted 
the opinion of somebody older anyway. So he decided to ask his other 
teammate for advice.

"Hey, Battler Man?"

"What is it, new chum?"

"Do you think I'm stupid?"

"Of course you're stupid. All kids are stupid. Why do you ask?"

"Well, the other day I found out my best friend hated my guts. It was the 
first time I saw him in about a year and he was so pissed at me that he 
killed Choi."

"Choi." Battler Man scratched his chin. "The old, ugly guy with the big 
nose?"

"No, that was Chin. Choi was the small guy with the claws."

"Oh. That guy creeped me out. Always wobbling and spewing fire."

"You're getting him confused with Chin again."

"Which was... What was the fat guy's name?"

"Chang Ko--"

"I mean the other guy. The one with the green shirt."

"Cheng?" 

"Yeah," Battler Man said. "He was funny. Did those four ever become a 
team for a year? Because that would have been funny. Because they all 
have 'ch' at the beginning of their names. And, you know, that's kinda 
funny."

Jae realized how far off tangent they were getting. "No, Cheng never 
fought in King of Fighters."

"That's too bad. He probably wasn't allowed because he'd always smoke 
marijuana with that Mexican guy."

"Now you're talking about Tommy Chong. Listen..."

"Ch."
 
"Huh?"

"Ch. Ch ch ch." Battler Man then bellowed, "CH-CH-CH-CHANGES!"  

"What?"  

"Paul McCartney."  

"What about him?"  

"He sang that song."  

"What song?!""  

"Changes. It's okay that you don't know it though. It sucks. But I just 
saw it on an infomercial, and I can't get it out of my head. Now what 
were we talking about?"

"As I was saying, my best friend..."

Battler Man interrupted. "Your best friend is a pothead? You shouldn't 
be hanging out with potheads, Jae."

"I don't hang out with potheads! My former best friend Rock killed my 
dear friend Choi -- the skinny guy with the claws -- and I found out he 
hates me because of me beating him up here! But it doesn't make sense 
since he didn't hate me yet. I keep trying to figure it out, but it's 
like some kind of paradox!"

"So you're saying it's your fault Choi is dead."

Jae looked at Battler Man with disgust. "Holy bejeezus, you're horrible 
with advice!"

"Listen, kid. I got puke on my cape and I have a headache you wouldn't 
believe. Now is not the best time." Battler Man put his arm around Jae 
and pulled him closer. "But I gotta say, that was hilarious when you made 
that kid shit himself."

On the other side of the arena, Sigma looked around to only see Geese 
Howard around and not Kreuzritter.

"Where is the other filthy human?" he asked.

Geese narrowed his eyes at the comment. "He's getting ready to steal the 
Eternal Champion's powers."

"Why would he do that?"

"Why do you think we came here, robot? To win a fight against a bunch of 
no-names? To be forgotten footnotes in the books of history? Look at 
those three on the other side, Sigma. The fat one is obviously under the 
influence. And I know the taller of the other two. Believe me, he's 
nothing to be afraid of. I can name many others who would have been 
better choices to defend 'good' than him. I don't dabble in trivial 
things like this, Sigma. I only thirst for power. As much as I don't like 
you -- and I'm sure you despise me -- the fact that the three of us have 
survived this farce earns us the right to share the Eternal Champion's 
power in our respective time frames."

"I see."

"Attention everybody!" The Eternal Champion announced upon a stage. "It 
is time for us to begin the Final Showdown!" An echo followed his 
announcement. "The rules are simple. Each team of three finalists will 
battle in the arena in a no-holds bar contest TO THE DEATH!"

Kim and Jae looked to each other in shock.

"Sorry. I forgot that knocking your opponent out is fine too. And now to 
introduce our combatants! On the side of Good we have KIM KAPHWAN, KIM 
JAE HOON and BATTLER MAN!"

The crowd cheered.

"And on the side of Evil we have GEESE HOWARD, SIGMA and KREUZRIT... 
where is Kreuzritter?"

The Eternal Champion finally realized with much annoyance that 
Kreuzritter was standing right behind him, jabbing him in the back of the 
neck with a straw and sucking on it in an attempt to gain his mystical 
powers.

*suck*

"Stop that."

*suck*

"Stop that."

*suck*

"Please. Stop that."

An angry Geese Howard stormed up upon the stage. He pushed Kreuzritter 
away and put his hand around the Eternal Champion's throat. "Idiot! 
You're doing it wrong. Allow me." Then he flexed his arm and gave a 
stressed facial expression while the Eternal Champion just stared at him 
blankly.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm transferring your energy into my body, what does it look like?"

"Geese?"

"What?!"

"Those aren't your powers. Those are Rugal Bernstein's powers."

Still trying, Geese grunted, "Are you sure?"

"Very."

"You're not feeling anything? Not even a little...?"

The Eternal Champion shoved Geese's arm aside. "That's it. You're all 
disqualified. Good wins."

Sigma growled. "Stupid humans."

[---]

Dr. Doom cracked a smile. "Amateurs."

Dong Hwan then walked through the door. "Hey, Doom!"

"Ew! Dong, go take a shower! You smell like a sewer. Doom commands it."

"I guess you're right. It has been about a week since my last one 
anyway."

A phone began to ring. Doom put his thumb to his ear and started talking. 
"Hello? Ah, it's you, Magnus. How goes it? Uh huh. Yes, Doom was watching 
the Contest too. Yes, Doom knows that the two of us would have dominated. 
Right. Doom agrees. Kim Kaphwan vs. Geese Howard would have been a decent 
fight to witness. It is indeed too bad." He began to stroke his metallic 
chin. "If only there was a place where one could see Kim Kaphwan and 
Geese Howard go at it. If only." 

Doom took a quick glance at a computer and cleared his throat. "But 
unfortunately Kim Kaphwan and Geese Howard are both dead. We can never 
see them fight here. Still, if ONLY there was some place that COULD have 
them fight." Doom walked by two of his inventions, the Reality Energy 
Collector Beam of Tractoring along with the Uranium Vaporizing Ray 3. 
"Because Kim Kaphwan and Geese Howard is a rivalry that would never get 
old. Nope. Never. So how's the meteor you live on? Fuck you, you know I 
meant asteroid."

[---]

"That's a nasty cut," Angel told Ralf as he sat with his back against the 
counter.

"I've had worse. I'll be fine."

"I don't know. Here," Angel tore off a piece of her hakama and wrapped it 
around Ralf's arm. "Much better."

"You think that's bad?" asked Clark. "I think I scraped my shoulder 
during the fight."

"Here, let me take care of that." Angel tore off another piece of her 
hakama and tended to Clark.

Chang, meanwhile, was talking with Gordon. "Gordon, huh? I'm planning on 
naming my kid Gordon."

"Really. I'm sure that's a total coincidence."

Chang lifted his eyebrow. "You do look very familiar."

"I get that a lot. People say I look like that wrestler, the Big 
Bossman."

"Hm... I guess. What's your full name, again?"

"Gordon Koe... uh... Ko... Kowalski. Gordon Kowalski. That's my name."

"And you said you're from the future?"

"Yeah. I'm here for two reasons. First off, I need to find a guy named 
Kim Jae Hoon."

Chang's eyes opened more. "Kim Jae Hoon? I know that guy."

Without any surprise in his tone, Gordon responded, "Really. What a 
coincidence. Anyway, he's a target. In my time frame, there is a great 
war going on against evil. A dear friend of mine has proven to be a true 
asset in fighting back. But since our enemies could not kill him in the 
traditional way, they sent two assassins named Gozu and Mezu to the past 
to prevent him from ever living. If these two ninja assassins catch up to 
Jae Hoon, the future may become even worse for guys like me."

"So to save Jae I have to beat up ninjas? Those guys are like a dime a 
dozen around these parts!"

"It's not as hard as it sounds. These are futuristic ninjas. They wear 
gasmasks."

Beside them, Ralf entered the conversation while Angel put another piece 
of cloth around his trick knee. "Gasmasks? What the hell for?"

"I honestly have no idea. I'm also here as a search party to bring 
someone back. There's an ally of ours named X who traveled to this time 
for personal reasons. Our records have no indication of what happened to 
him and he never came back."

Chang stood up and looked out the giant hole in the wall. "Well, I wanna 
help Jae and all, but that Dio creep is still out there. I really oughtta 
crush his skull."

"Listen, Chang." Gordon stood up. "You have to forget about Choi. If you 
go off to avenge him, you could end up screwing the world over!"

"...who said anything about Choi? I mean, how would you know about that?"

"Uh... Clark told me."

Clark looked over. "I did?"

"Sure you did."

Chang held up his iron ball and examined it. "Maybe you're right. The way 
you make it sound, this isn't the type of world I want my kid growing up 
in. Count me in."

Ralf stood up and patted Chang on the shoulder. "Me too."

Clark did the same. "Consider me in too. Mainly because the Commander's 
been showing us slides of his wedding all week."

Gordon smiled. "Thanks guys."

"Kim Jae Hoon," Ralf said out loud. "He works for Violence Unlimited, 
right?"

Chang nodded. "Yep."

"So maybe this means I can score with that redhead chick."

"Actually," Chang informed him, "she left to join SCABS."

"Fuck. Anyone know if that nameless girl is seeing anyone?"

The other three just stared at him in silence.

"Fuuma!" Sub-Zero cried from the doorway, out of breath. "Sorry, but 
traffic was hell getting over here! ...Fuuma?"

"Gee," Clark said, "that guy seems to have a nasty hangnail."

"Huh?"

"Let me take care of that," Angel said while reaching down.

*tear*

[---]

Kyo folded his hands as he sat at his desk, addressing Shang Tsung, Goro 
and Armor King. "I'm sure you're all wondering why I called you all 
here."

Armor King looked around in confusion. "We were already here for a half 
hour. Then you just sat down and told Yuki to tell us to step into your 
office."

"Punctuality. I like that." Kyo's face became very serious. "I'm afraid 
I'm in danger of being kidnapped yet again."

"From who?" Goro asked.

"Well here's the thing." Kyo reached from under his desk and pulled out a 
smoking brick covered with ash. "This was thrown through my window 
earlier tonight. It's still warm. There was a note explaining the who, 
what and why, but it was obviously burned with the brick. This pisses me 
the fuck off. And why does it piss me the fuck off? Because fire..."

Shang Tsung glared at him. "...is yours and only yours to use."

"Right. But I figure whoever tossed this is after me because..."

"...this person is angry about the upcoming Fire Tax."

"Whoa. That's amazing. It's like we fin..."

"...ish each other's sentences."

Kyo blinked. "Just like I always say when I'm in the shower..."

Shang remained silent.

With no response, Kyo just sang, "SHOWER TIIIIME!"

The door smashed open, revealing the glowing red eyes of Moloch the oni. 
He bared his teeth and stepped in, growling.

Armor King got ready to grapple while Goro stood in front of Kyo. Shang 
Tsung seemed to be at ease.

Moloch lifted his left hand to show a horribly mangled Scorpion, held by 
the ankle. "This yours?"

"Yes. Yes it is."

Moloch dropped the specter and stomped out of the room.

"Ugh..." Scorpion groaned as he struggled to stand.

"What's wrong with you?" Kyo asked.

"Moloch and Drahmin kicked my--"

Kyo silenced his bodyguard with a wrench to the skull. "We better get you 
to a hospital."

[---]

Kyo, Goro and Armor King stood in the midst of the area known only as 
"Flashman's Stage". Armor King held the half-conscious body of Scorpion 
in his arms while Goro laughed his ass off for no apparent reason. The 
blue tiles covering the walls kept glimmering hypnotically while a really 
catchy song played over the speakers. Several random pyrotechnics went 
off.

Kyo simply asked, "What kind of hospital is this?"

[---]

Kyo drove his car down the streets of South Town with Armor King in the 
passenger seat. "What kind of hospital was that?"

"You're gonna miss the turn!" Armor King yelled.

"Check this out." Kyo spun the wheel and hit another car head on, causing 
an explosion.

After the accident, Armor King's good eye stared straight up into Kyo's 
face. "Ugh... I'm passing out."

"We better get you to a hospital."

[---]

Armor King woke up within an underground cemetery, filled with 26x26 rows 
of coffins, all labeled. He saw that Scorpion was coming to as well.

"Ugh... What is all this?"

Kyo pointed at the coffins of the Krypt with a wave of his arm. "You can 
pick anything. Anything you want."

Scorpion sighed. "I need comic book pages."

Armor King groaned. "I need action figures."

"And a movie of me decorating a cake."

Kyo paused. "Did you hear laughing?"

Armor King listened. "No."

Scorpion stood up and dusted himself off. "I'm gonna go."

"Wait, did somebody just laugh again? Somebody laughed again."

"And don't follow me."

The undead pro wrestler got up and followed Scorpion. "Hang on, I'm going 
with you."

Kyo looked around. "Wait a minute, not so fast. Roll call. Armor King."

"Dead."

"Scorpion."

"Eat me."

"Goro. ...Where's Goro?"

[---]

Back at Flashman's place, Goro was still laughing uncontrollably.

[---]

American Sentinel spent the bus ride home filling his face with burgers.

"Wow. You're really hungry," Zan mentioned.

"Not at all. I'm just avenging my loss."

"Huh."

Metroid Bob consoled the angry Samus. "Well look on the bright side, 
Samus. If you ever get tired of bounty hunting you can always become a 
lifeguard and..."

"Just be quiet, Bob."

"All I'm saying is--"

"I have a super missile and I'm ready to use it."

"Understood."

Professor Tym stopped the bus next to a dojo. "First stop: Korea 1993. 
That's you, Kaphwan."

Kim acknowledged this with a nod. Then he looked to his son. His boy's 
hair was slightly bluish and longer and his dobok was a little looser, 
but Kim Kaphwan felt as if he was staring into a mirror. He put his hand 
on his offspring's shoulder and smiled. Unlike most others, Jae was 
unaffected by the intense glare.

"This is a weird experience for me, just so you know. I can see a fire 
within you, Jae. The flame of truth and I don't mean that spirit friend 
of yours. It does my heart good to see that my own flesh and blood will 
one day grow up to follow in what I believe in. You are still young, but 
I just know that you'll exceed my skills in the future. I know you'll 
make me proud, Jae. I wish Dong was here too, but I'm sure that he'll do 
fine. Especially with someone like you there to support him."

Kim took a deep breath. "I know that since we are from different times, 
we shouldn't talk about these things, but... well... when you saw me 
earlier, the way you reacted scared me. It scared me because I could tell 
that it had been long since you last talked to me. I know I'm going to 
die, Jae. Some time in the next fifteen years I'm going to bite it and I 
won't be there to see you and your brother grow up to become men. So I 
want to tell you this now before I go: no matter what you do and no 
matter what happens to you, you are my son and I love you. Even if you 
hang out with potheads."

Jae stopped tearing up in order to deliver a dirty look at Battler Man.

"What?"

"Good bye, Jae. I'll see you on the other side, I hope."

After a long moment of silence, all the choked up Jae could muster was, 
"Good bye, dad."

Kim Kaphwan stepped off the bus and waved goodbye. There wasn't a dry eye 
in the bus, other than Metroid Bob who didn't have any tear ducts.

The bus left and Jae solemnly looked out the rear window. NEG put her 
arms around him and leaned on him.

"He's right, you know. You should be proud of who you are."

Inside Jae's head, he only saw an angry Rock Howard standing over the 
dead body of Choi Bounge. He took a deep breath. "I guess." Then he 
looked over to Battler Man. "You told him I hang out with potheads?"

"I thought you said you did."

"I told you I didn't!"

"Oh. Ah well."

"What else did you tell dad?"

"Eh, you know. Stuff. Who wins the Superbowl, what the new Star Wars 
movies are like, when and how he dies, stuff like that."

NEG let go of Jae and grabbed Battler Man by the football symbol on his 
chest. "You told him how he's going to die!? Don't you know that it will 
mess with time and create distortions?!"

"Don't worry about it. He won't remember it."

"What do you mean?" Jae asked.

On the other side of the bus, Zan began to chuckle.

"What's so funny?" Sentinel asked.

"I just realized that Samus is riding this bus while her outfit is 
riding--"

"Duck!"

The two ducked under the table to evade the oncoming laser blasts.

[---]

Kim walked into his dojo to see three figures standing before him.

"Hey, can I help you guys with something?"

"Wow!" Kyosuke exclaimed. "It's Kim Kaphwan! He lead one of the most 
diverse teams ever to compete in the King of Fighters tournament for 
years!"

"Yeah, that's nice." Potemkin flashed his badge. "Officer Potemkin, Time 
Posse. You're in violation of time code 346: Knowing How You Will Perish 
in the Future. Ah'm gonna have ta ask that you look at Cyrax fer a 
moment."

Cyrax the cyber ninja, dressed in a poofy red dress, did his Cancan Dance 
of Distraction. Kim stared at him without a clue of what was going on.

"What the heck is going on--"

*POW!*

The airborne Kim's head left an imprint in one of the walls. Potemkin 
massaged his fist and stretched his fingers. "That boy got him some hard 
teeth."

Cyrax nodded in approval. "That takes care of that. When he comes to, 
he'll forget about everything that has happened in the last day. Now 
let's get back to the satellite before dinner gets cold."

The Time Posse vanished in a blast of bright light.

"Oh... my head," Kim said as he stood back up. He rubbed the big bump on 
his noggin.

"Hey, Kim!"

"Terry? Andy? Good to see you two. What do I owe the honor?"

Terry held out an invitation. "The King of Fighters tournament is coming 
up and they changed it to teams of three instead of one-on-one. And since 
we're wondering if you want to join us."

"Yes," Andy agreed. "Or else we'll have to hang out with Higashi more."

After a moment of thought, Kim's face lit up. "Sorry, my friends. But I 
just had an epiphany. I think instead of teaming up with you guys, I'm 
going to find two dangerous criminals, beat them up, teach them how to 
fight like me, make them fight with me in the King of Fighters, and in 
the end turn them into good human beings."

One long pause later...

"Excuse me," Andy said. "I just want to get this straight. You are going 
to find two dangerous criminals on your own without any weapons or 
anything and you're going to beat them up. Then you plan on teaching them 
how to be even more dangerous which will cause them to be better people."

"That sounds about right."

Andy and Terry nodded, then left the dojo.

"Kaphwan's gone nuts," Terry said. "Too many hits in the head, I guess."

"Good going."

"Don't blame me, Andy. I guess Higashi it is. Since you're being a tool 
about having Mai join us."

"Listen, I already explained this. I just don't like the idea of you 
checking her out from the sidelines during her matches. Besides, a woman 
would cramp our style. With her around we can't belch, scratch ourselves 
or piss in the sink."

Terry turned to his brother. "..........."

"Not that I piss in the sink or anything. Let's go find Joe."

[---]

Osiris removed the soul of the Driver, allowing the body to slump to the 
floor. In a shocking turn of events, D'arby actually defeated the 
wheelman in a staring contest.

"That leaves just you and me, it seems, Cracker Jack."

The leader of Violence Unlimited was the only one left who could 
challenge Daniel J. He tossed the Driver's carcass into the pile with 
Hugo, Poison, Fuuma and even Sub-Zero (who apparently failed when D'arby 
had him test his might).

"I'm not the gambling type, D'arby. You know that."

"You don't seem to have much of a choice. That is, unless you want to go 
hire a new set of employees. Maybe you can get a job working for the 
Ikari Warriors or OOSHA or even... SCABS."

CJ just stood there, scowling at the pompous man who was shuffling a deck 
of cards.

"Come on, Cracker Jack. Let's play some cards. It can be any game you 
want. Would you like to play Crazy Eights?"

"I'm not going to do this."

"If you say so. How about a game of poker?"

"I don't play poker, jackass."

"No need to have a dirty mouth about it." D'arby ran his thumb through 
the deck and grinned at his final opponent. "I know the game that would 
be perfect. Blackjack. Fitting, don't you think?"

Cracker Jack just glared for a moment until a smile grew upon his face. 
"I bet I can kick your ass."

"That's better. Now tell me what I want to hear."

"Me betting my soul?"

"That would be well and good, but if you were to win, you'd only get back 
one soul at a time. I'm feeling generous so I tell you what: since you 
are his boss, you have the right to bet Kim Jae Hoon's soul on this game. 
If you do, I'll wager everyone. What do you say?"

CJ nodded. "I bet my soul and Kim Jae Hoon's soul."

D'arby pointed. "GOOD!" He dealt the cards and ended up giving CJ a nine 
and a king. "Nineteen. I take it you'll stay?"

"No. Not at all. I hit."

"You hit?! On nineteen?!"

A baseball bat to the side of the face shut D'arby up for the moment.

"Yes. I hit."

Holding his hand over his face, D'arby tried to crawl away. "What are you 
doing?! You call this playing cards?!"

"I never said anything about playing cards, Danny Boy. I bet that I could 
kick your ass. You agreed to it. So now it's time to put your money where 
you mouth is."

"But... but...!"

Cracker Jack smashed his bat into D'arby's shoulder. "But nothing. Get 
the fuck up. At least try to fight back, you pansy."

D'arby stood up and swung his fist at CJ. It was easily blocked, followed 
by CJ smashing D'arby's nose in with the butt of the bat.

"I can see why the guys always invite you over to gamble. I'm almost 
having fun." He pulled back and knocked D'arby over the table with a 
homerun swing to the face.

D'arby's lights went out as he finally admitted defeat. The chip 
representatives of Hugo, Poison, Fuuma, Driver and Sub-Zero exploded into 
light and zapped back into the bodies of their respective owners.

"What happened...?" Poison groaned.

CJ put his foot on D'arby's chest. "Our friend Danny Boy cashed in his 
chips. That's what happened."

Sub-Zero dusted himself off. "Well, my job is done. See you later, 
Fuuma."

"Hold on a second, Sub."

Sub-Zero turned around to see the half-face of CJ. "What?"

"If you're taking off, get rid of this piece of shit while you're at it. 
Turn him to yellow snow for all I care."

[---]

"GAH!" Daniel J. D'arby sat up, covered in sweat. "It... it was only a 
dream." Then the overwelming heat began to take effect. "This... this 
isn't my..."

"Hello, D'arby."

"BLACKHEART!" The gambler looked around to see he was in Hell, trapped 
inside some kind of crystal prison. And he was held in the palm of 
Blackheart's hand.

"You failed me, D'arby."

"No, wait! Blackheart, it's not over! I can still get the Elementals! All 
I need are a couple more souls and I can do it! Please, Blackheart! 
Please!"

"Hm..." Blackheart thought to himself for a moment. "No."

He shattered the crystal in his hand, completely ending Daniel J. 
D'arby's existence.

"The saga continues..."

A voice came from somewhere in the perimeter. "Oy, I take it that means 
ya got a job openin'."

"Who is there!?" Blackheart demanded.

Lord Raptor walked through a set of flames and smiled at Blackheart. 
"Raptor's the name. Word on the street is that ya want to give Earth tha 
ultimate renovation, mate."

"I am not your mate, zombie."

"Maybe not. But I can come in pretty handy if ya let me."

Blackheart ran his fingers across his chin. "What do you get out of 
this?"

"I guess I'm just the kinda guy who enjoys playin' with fire."

[---]

Author's notes

Chapter 30 already? Damn. Well, Chapter 31 if you want to be anal about 
it. And what way better to celebrate than to get rid of a character from 
the original chapter that nobody really cares about? I was going to show 
Battler Man returning to his booby-trapped lair, but I didn't have the 
time to do it.

Also, sorry for the overuse of Mortal Kombat gags. The new game pretty 
much inspired me enough that I had to actually pull my punches and take 
scenes out.

Thanks to Grahf and black dub for prereading. Thanks again to the 
eDANgelist for collaborating some good old Battler-speak and Metal for 
giving me the idea for the Kyo in the Krypt gag.

Up next is OgOpOgO-. So it rocks by default!

Gavin "Gavok" Jasper
Half Horse Productions
http://www.rit.edu/~gjj2192/hol

[---]

I-no and Clay9999 sat back and watched the reality game show Buff Enough 
where El Stingray and Titanic Tim trained future potential wrestlers.

While tuning her guitar, I-no commented, "I bet Shingo will be cut next."

"Probably."

Then Angel walked through the door, wearing only a pair of red Daisy Duke 
shorts.

"Hey Angel," I-no yawned.

"Hey I-no. Hey Clay."

"Hey Ang-- what the Hell?!"

"What?"

"What happened to your pants?! And your top?!"

Angel looked down. "Oh, that. Yeah, a bunch of guys got hurt so I had to 
use some pieces of my pants to help them out."

"*Some* pieces?!"

"What, you wanted me to let them bleed to death?"

"YES!"

"Feh, whatever. So then I walked home and it started raining. I should 
probably get a better brand of paint next time. Ah well. I like these 
shorts better anyway."

Clay9999 simply groaned in anger. I-no leaned back in her chair and 
started playing her guitar. "Who wears short shorts? Angel wears short 
sh-- whoa!" She leaned back too far and tumbled to the floor. "Shit, my 
knee's cut."

"Oh, let me get that for you."

Clay9999 stood up, walked over to a wall and proceeded to smash his head 
into it many times.