"All rise!" shouted Hinako. The young sumo wrestler was dressed in a tan police officer's uniform, complete with hat and sidearm. "The Honorable Judge Joe Higashi presiding!" A door just behind and to the left of Hinako flew open and a spotlight shone down from the ceiling. With a flourish, Judge Joe Higashi leapt through the doorway and powerposed. "Ora!" he shouted. "Ladies and gents, we... are... live!" To the sound of "Street Fighting Man," Judge Joe sauntered up to his Chair of Judgment and Mackitude and sat down. He tapped a button on his desk and the spotlight and music cut off. He looked over at Hinako and winked. "Hinako, babe, we still on for tonight?" Hinako blushed and nodded. "No, no, girl, that isn't it. Say it like you mean it! Speak the language of love!" Hinako blushed some more. "Hina-chan will be there, Joey!" she giggled in a singsong voice. Judge Joe grimaced at her pet name for him. "Yeah, wear that schoolgirl number. The leather one." Judge Joe leaned back in his chair and put his hands behind his head. "So, who we got today?" "Looks like our first case is Ghost Rider against Scorpion. The Spirit of Vengeance claims that the Japanese Death Ninja is guilty of criminal impersonation, copyright infringement, character assassination, and general annoyance. Lawyer for the plaintiff, Delita Hyral. Lawyer for the defense, Tiffany Lords." At Judge Joe's nod, Hinako continued. "The plaintiff will now state his case." Delita Hyral, clad in full-blown Sunday-go-to-meeting armor, stood noisily. "Your honor, my client-" "Question," stated Judge Joe. "Er, yes?" "Where's your nose?" asked the Honorable Thai Fighter. "Er, well," stammered Delita, "that's kind of... well... I'm just sensitive about my nose. Or lack thereof. Anyway, my client here is the Spirit of Vengeance. He-" "Like *hell* he is!" shouted a voice from the back. "Shut the *fuck up*, Vengeance!" screamed Ghost Rider. "The restraining order says fifty feet, motherfucker! Back off!" "I *am* back, Ghosty! Fifty-*one* feet, to be exact. Why are you always acting like such a puss?" "You broke in my house and tried to kill me!" "I'm your arch-*enemy*, idiot! That's what I do! You should've fought back, instead of hiding in the closet and calling the cops. Punk." Vengeance stood up and flipped Ghost Rider the bird. "Skullfucker!" "Hey! I was drunk, dammit! And I didn't enjoy it!" "Order!" shouted Hinako. "Double cheeseburger, hold the Shotoclone," chuckled Judge Joe. "Defense's turn." Tiffany Lords stood up. Her rather... large... no, wait. Her rather *expansive* chest, which barely fit inside her grey blazer, bounced mightily, nearly putting an eye out. "Your honor," the lawyer drawled, "my client has never met the plaintiff, has no wish to meet the plaintiff, ha no idea what the plaintiff is talking about, and wants the case thrown out on the grounds that it is ridiculous." Scorpion stood slightly and whispered in his ear. "My client also wishes to make it plain that if he met the plaintiff in the street, that he would 'flip out and kick the shit out of that bitch for wasting my time.'" Judge Joe simply whistled and looked at her. "You busty- *busy*, I meant *busy*, tomorrow?" he asked. "I've got some free time in the bedroom lined up, and I was wondering... y'know." "Actually, I don't get many dates. I have trouble with sex though." "Why?" "My breasts get in the way," stated Tiffany succinctly. She bobbled a bit to seal the point. "Well, isn't that erotic," said Judge Joe. At a hurried whisper from Hinako, he sat up straight in his chair. "*Obvious.* I meant to say *obvious.* Not erotic. Really." "Moving right along," interrupted Delita, "my client wants a restraining order and five thousand dollars in damages." Ghost Rider's flaming skull head nodded in agreement. "Scorp," said Judge Joe, "your thoughts?" "Nuts to that action," muttered Scorpion. He turned to Ghost Rider and shouted "GET OVER HERE!" Scorpion's spear punched right through Ghost Rider's leather jacket, hooked on bone, and snatched the Spirit of Vengeance towards Scorpion, who immediately uppercut the offending Spirit. Ghost Rider exploded in a shower of bones. His head eventually bounced to a stop on Judge Joe's desk. "Fuck," the head muttered. The entire courtroom fell silent. No, quieter than that. This silence lasted for a full minute before the laughter broke out. Loud laughter. The kind of laughter that drowns out the curses of a flaming talking skull. A flaming stick man with a skull for a head stood up in the back rows of the courtroom. "Ah tol' y'all you'd never amount to anythin'!" it guffawed. "Zarathos?!" shouted Ghost Rider's head. "Yep! How y'all doin' up thar?! Wait til Ah tell Ma!" "You aren't my father, *dammit*! ...why are you a stick man?" "Aw, Ah jest possessered this Mr. Skullhead feller." Zarathos/Skullhead sat down and laughed a good deal more. While no one was looking, Scorpion teleported out. Noticing that her client was gone and that the Judge was groping the bailiff, Tiffany stifled her giggles and walked out. Just outside the courtroom waited Tina Armstrong, Lei Fang, and Shermie. "Tiffany Lords?" asked Tina. At Tiffany's affirmation, Tina grabbed Tiffany and suplexed her. Shermie picked Tiffany up and threw her into the wall, courtesy of a Shermie Spiral. Tiffany slowly struggled to her feet. "Why?" croaked Tiffany. "Damn you and your whys," muttered Lei Fang, just before high-kicking Tiffany out of the window. "The skank shouldn't have bounced." Luckily, Lei Fan didn't notice when Tiffany bounced back up past the window. [---] "Shimazu... I've come for you." *noogienoogienoogie* Hideo Shimazu fell back from his window, landing hard in his seat. The Smoker had once again snuck into his office and noogied the crap out of his head. "Smoker," he said, "this has to stop. Now. I could get caught." "Aw, Red, you're no fun!" The Smoker spun his gun in his hand and grinned. Of course, Hideo couldn't see The Emperor and assumed that The Smoker was about to expound on something. The Smoke didn't. What followed was an awkward silence. The Smoker coughed to break the silence, but this just led to more coughing. Lots more coughing. *cough*cough*cough*cough*cough*cough*cough*cough "You okay, Mista S?" chirped Mariah-Net. The Smoker's coughing fit had gotten much worse in the past few weeks. However, he and Mariah-Net had devised a kind of system so that they could communicate while he was indisposed. "Well, Mar," he gesticulated, "I'm having a bit of trouble breathing at the moment, but I'll be fine as soon as I get another cigarette. Ask Ol' Hideo about the package, will you love?" "The package, Mista H?" asked Mariah-Net. Hideo moved a few things around on his desk and produced a manila file folder, only to jam it under his desk when Batsu Ichimonji barged in his office. "Mr. Shimazu, did you know that cigarette smoke causes... hey, is that guy okay? Sounds like lung cancer... and throat cancer, to boot." Batsu started toward the still-coughing Smoker, ready to spout some more Truth (TM). "Hey, kid," began Mariah-Net, "do you know what Truth *really* is?" "Contagious?" "Nope!" Mariah-Net pulled out her trusty mallet and showed Batsu the business end. "Truth is a bitch!" Mariah-Net quickly flattened the offending student and bounced cutely. "Mista S, you okay now?" "...just *cough* fine, Mari-baby. Red, the file from your chem lab, if you will." Hideo slapped the paper into The Smoker's outstretched hand. The Smoker quickly looked over the file, and grinned. "Perfect. Red, we'll have to catch you later. Bye, now!" The Smoker turned to leave. "Smoker... wait! Why do you keep calling me 'Red?'" asked Hideo. The Smoker looked at Hideo, puzzled. "Isn't your shirt red?" "No." *BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM* "Now it is." The Smoker turned and walked out of the late Hideo Shimazu's office, Mariah-Net in tow. "'Red shirt'... ha! Sometimes, I kill myself!" [---] Forgot About Jae, Chapter 24: Sacrificial -LAMBS- Series forced into prostitution by Darkheart-01. This chapter burned with lye by David 'black dub' Brothers. [---] Last Time, on Forgot About Jae... --Trowa and Quatre broke up! --Shao Khan *fired* Sideshow Motaro! --Jae quit Violence Unlimited after CJ forced him to murder NEG! ...okay, fine. I didn't actually read it. I was busy. With your mother. Dick. [---] CJ looked around at the gathered Violence Unlimited. "As I was saying, things just aren't the same with Sharon gone. My files aren't filed, and I have the biggest case of blue ba-" "Boss," interrupted Poison, "why should we care? Give us a break. File your own damn files." "..." said CJ. If his hair hadn't been in the way, Poison would have died from the daggers he was glaring at her. Really. "Fuck this. I'm calling an old friend. Get the fuck out of my office. All of you." "Sir," began Jae, only to be interrupted by NEG dialing PEN-Fifteen. Come on. I *know* you know what I'm talking about. PEN-15. "*Especially* you and her. Out." [---] Fei Fong Wong was running through Blackmoon Forest, rescuing lost air waitresses and killing various gods that were lying about, when he received a call on his PHS. "..." he said. The voice on the other end jabbered some more, interspersed with coughing. "..." he replied. The voice jibbered some more. Fei Fong Wong smiled, and ran to his house, still on the phone. The voice continued to jabber. Fei walked in his front door without using his hands, jumped up the stairs, and walked over to his closet. The voice jibbered and jabbered blithely along. "..." Fei quickly rummaged through his closet, and pulled out a jet black costume with an eight ball inscribed on its chest. "Yes, Smoker, I will be there shortly. Nice talking to you. Bye now." F8Ball was back in business. [---] "Grimm here. Who? Cracker Jack? The hell-- oh. You. ...when, today?! Fine. Give me their names. Uh... huh. Poison. She's a *what*? A he? S... h... i? The hell are you talking about? Never mind. I'll sort it out when I get there. Fuuma... he's a ninja? Jae, okay. Son of Kim who? I could give a flying fuck if he was the son of Jor-El. Yes, the Superman guy. Hugo Andore? ...big guy. Noted. Anyone else? Driver? ...don't know him. Anyone else important? What, are they expendable? Oh--" "Oh, Trowa!" "Oh, Quatre! Ohhh!" "...hang on. I've got a couple of fruitcakes to take care of." *BLAM*BLAM* "I'll be there in ten minutes." [---] Nine minutes and forty-seven seconds later... [---] *KNOCK*KNOCK*KNOCK* CJ glared smugly at his employees. "You guys are screwed now." He threw open the door and said, "Welcome to Violence Unlimited. The suckers are over there." "Um... one of you guys wants to order a pizza. Which one is it?" asked Psylocke, noted pizza delivery telepathic mutant. She was holding a pizza box in one hand that read 'Psylocke's Pizza.' Her white baseball cap read 'We're There *Before* You Order!' CJ facepalmed. "C'mon. Fess up. I know one of you wants a pizza." Psylocke put her left hand to her forehead and closed her eyes. "Okay, I'm seeing orange, throwing stars, and a moose. Who's thinking of those things?" "That's me!" shouted Fuuma. "I must want the pizza!" "You *bitch*!" shouted Tina Armstrong as she tackled Psylocke, knocking her into a nearby alley. Lei Fang and Shermie quickly ran by to get in on the particularly brutal curb stomping. CJ slammed the door shut. [---] Eleven seconds after that... [---] *KNOCK*KNOCK*KNOCK* "Grimm?" "Open the door. Now." CJ opened the door and Mr. Grimm strode through. He stood at about six inches taller than Cracker Jack, but Hugo still towered over him. All in all, Mr. Grimm was a thoroughly unimposing man. At least, he was unimposing up until the point that you noticed that he was wearing a human skull on his head, and was carrying around a scythe covered in icky bits. "Introduce yourselves," he said. "What?" muttered Ultros, shortly before Mr. Grimm chopped him in half. Ultros exploded in an uncharacteristic burst of smoke. "I'm not here to coordinate a fucking 'Getting To Know You' session. Introduce yourselves," repeated Mr. Grimm, "or I will kill you and eat you for breakfast. With syrup." After a short silence, the assembled members of Violence Unlimited quickly stumbled over themselves in their efforts to introduce themselves. "That's enough," said Mr. Grimm. "Ladies... and herm, you are now my property. If I tell you to kill yourself, you will do so. If I tell you to eat yourself, you will do that. I've been on this green Earth fifty-one years, and that makes me smarter than all of you. Especially you, mister ninja. If you ladies survive this hellacious training I am about to give you... you will be a weapon, you will be a minister of death, praying for war. You will be the lid to the largest can of whoop-ass the world has ever seen." Mr. Grimm paused and glared at Violence Unlimited. He rubbed the edge of his scythe along his thumb. "Until that day you are pukes! You're the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings!" Violence Unlimited as a whole jumped. Things were getting a mite bit... serious. You are nothing but unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian shit! *Frog shit*! Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard, but I am fair! I am fairly hard! And hardly fair!" Mr. Grimm walked up to Fuuma and got right in his face. "Here you are all equally worthless! As far as I am concerned, all of you are as intelligent as little ninja boy here! My orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps! Do you maggots understand that?" Jae meekly raised his hand. "What?" "We're not in the Marine Corps, sir. This is Violence Unlimited." "Did I ask *you* what the fuck I'm doing? What the *fuck* is your name, Tae Kwon Do boy?" "Kim Jae Hoon, sir." "I don't care what the *fuck* your name is! From now on, you are Private Tae Kwon Dough Boy, do you get that, Dough Boy?" Mr. Grimm reached out and pinched Jae's belly. "Dough boy, do you *hear me*?!" "Sir, yes sir!" shouted Jae. "That's what I thought. Dammit." "Geez, look at Mr. Full Metal Skull-On-My-Head Jacket over there," muttered Poison. "Who the *fuck* just said that?!" shouted Mr. Grimm. "What slimy communist *moron* said that? Nobody, huh? Must've been the Fairy Fucking Godmother, right? That's who I fucking *thought* said that. Somebody just signed a death warrant, dammit! That's it! I will P.T. you all until you fucking *die*! Bathrooms now! Bring your toothbrushes ladies! You've *all* got toilet detail!" As Violence Unlimited glumly walked off to clean the bathrooms, CJ stopped leaning against the wall and patted Mr. Grimm on the back. "Good job, man. You'll have them back in shape in no time." Mr. Grimm didn't even turn around. "Grimm?" "...didn't I say to get to the *fucking* bathrooms?" asked Mr. Grimm. CJ grimaced and walked away. [---] F8Ball walked into The Smoker's lair and looked around. It was typical Smoker fare. The giant Marlboro Man statue guarding the entrance, robot Joe Camel androids patrolling the hallways, and the large autographed Cigarette Smoking Man poster hanging over the door to his office and bedroom. F8Ball opened the door to the office and stepped through. He was wearing his costume, along with a hooded mask. "Hol, you wanted me?" said F8Ball. The Smoker turned around in his chair, smoking no less than five cigarettes. "Yes. They call me... The Smoker." "Yes, I know that." "Quiet. I've recently come across some information you might be interested in. There is apparently a way that I can flood South Town with cigarette smoke. The problem is, there is a god of Clean Air that is standing in my way." "Okay..." "You are going to kill that god. Today. At noon. I've already made an appointment. Here's his card." The Smoker passed a business card to F8Ball. The card read "Queklain: Impure Priest and God of Clean Air. For when you need breathable air at your Black Masses!" F8Ball pocketed the card and nearly walked out. He turned around at the last second and said, "Wait... what?" The Smoker sighed and quickly inhaled again, so as to not lose the smoke. "God of Clean Air. You're going to kill it." "..." said F8Ball. "No. I don't like killing. Or fighting." "Come on, man! I need you! Your Aura of Improbability could let *me* kill this guy, so you don't really need to do anything but just stand there!" "No, I don't like violence." "Your ad in the paper says you kill gods." "I wrote that when I did." "You don't now?" "No." "You did ten minutes ago when I called you." "..." "Great. Just fucking perfect." "Perfect? Is anything in the world perfect...?" The Smoker grimaced. "Dammit." He nodded to the shadows and Mariah-Net stepped out from behind the door and smiled, holding an overly large double-barreled shotgun. "What is this?" F8Ball asked. "This is chemical burn," said Mariah-Net simply, and pulled the trigger. F8Ball reeled back in pain as a large boxing glove exploded from one barrel of the shotgun and bashed him in the mouth. He fell unconscious when the other barrel launched a brick at his face. "Oops..." said Mariah-Net. The Smoker facepalmed. "Mar, that was the Brick and Box Shotgun. I told you to get the Acid in Sweat Socks Shotgun." "Sorry, puddin'. Hey... if he's just knocked out, won't his Aura of Improbawhatzit still work?" "Mari-baby, you just might have something there. Get the bottles of smoke ready. We're off to Queklain's office!" [---] "So, Quek-man, I want a permit to spray smoke all over Southtown. That's all." "..." said Queklain, Impure Priest. "Do you know who I am? God of *Clean* *Air*, not 'God of Nasty Icky Smoke-filled Second-hand Cancer Stick Air.' Get out of my office." Queklain turned his chair around and looked out of his window. That damn skyscraper across the street was in the way. It'll have to go. "This is my town. I won't let you sully it." [---] In the skyscraper across the street to Queklain's, Kyo Kusanagi happened to look out of his window. "Yuki... that weird fat man is looking at me again." [---] "If that's the way you wanna be, so be it," muttered The Smoker. "Mariah-Net? Bring out the stiff." Mariah-Net slowly dragged in F8Ball's still unconscious body. "Do you know who that is, Mr. Priesty?" "...don't tell me that's F8Ball, noted god killer and destroyer of the fabric of reality." "Okay," shrugged The Smoker. "I won't." He pulled out a can that was clearly labeled 'Cigarette Smoke.' He took a puff from it and turned it towards Queklain. "Smoke! Smoke!" he taunted. "ARGH!" shouted Queklain. "No!" "Ha-HAH! Carbon monoxide!" "NO! Stop!" "Eat Cuban cigar smoke and Newports! They go so well together!" The Smoker began to blow fumes at Queklain. "AGH! You fiend!" "Asbestos powder!" shouted Smoker as he sprayed Queklain. "Son of a--!" "Get up! Get up and face the powder! Breathe the smoke! Breathe... *deep*." "No! I won't!" "Suck it in! Suck it in, Queklain! Prepare to *die*!" "No!" "Yes! The only way you could possibly survive is if you borrowed a gas mask from Dr. Faust Baldhead's... MEDICAL SCHOOL!" The Smoker sprayed down Queklain with the smoke can again. "Yes!" "Please! Stop!" "Carbon monoxide *will* cause drowsiness!" "AUGH!" "From your coffin!" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Please, don't spray me!" "...because you're *dead*!" shouted The Smoker. "That hurts! Stop!" Queklain fell to the ground, gasping for air. He couldn't take this smog. He turned and leapt through his window, only to impact against Kyo's skyscraper. [---] "Yuki... that fat man is stuck on my window. Activate the wipers." And lo, Queklain didst fall to the ground. [---] "Well, Mariah-Net, Queklain the Impure Priest will fit in perfectly... in hell... as abstract art!" said The Smoker. "*Yeah*, puddin'!" "Mar, we're off to stock store shelves our new Smoker Saloon brand body care products. Call Guido Mista, and have him meet us at the hideout. After that, we parade!" "Yeah!" "...but before that, we will do sex." [---] Roughly six hours later... [---] "Battler Man!" shouted Battler Girl. "We've got a problem!" "Mrmph," muttered Battler Man around a mouthful of burrito. "Bao Wonder tried on some of my lipstick, and he's asphyxiating! To make matters worse, people have been dropping dead of smoke inhalation while The Smoker is parading through town on a float shaped like Denis Leary!" Battler Man spit out his burrito and cursed. "Bring Bao Wonder here! Quickly! We don't have much time!" Battler Man watched as Battler Girl ran off to get the Bao Wonder. He was definitely *not* watching her ass. No sir. "I've got him, Battler Man!" shouted Battler Girl. She screamed when Battler Man threw Bao Wonder into the wall. *DYLAN!* "Don't! You! EVER! EVEREVEREVER! Wear! Lip! Stick! EVER! EVEREVER! Again!" shouted Battler Man, punctuating each exclamation with a boot to the gut. *SPRINGSTEEN!* "Owie," muttered Bao Wonder, the beating having restored him to normal. "I won't do it again, BM." *BOWIE!* "Don't call me BM, either." "Battler Man," said Battler Girl, "shouldn't we be going to get The Smoker and stop his rampage?" "...his what, now?" asked Battler Man. "Rampage. You know... reign of terror? Terrifying citizens? Forcing smoke down everyone's lungs?" "And you believe that The Smoker is behind this." Battler Girl sighed. "Yes. "Well, we've gotta go get 'im!" shouted Battler Man. "...right after we do sex." [---] Roughly one smack in the face later... [---] "Ladies and gentlemen, this is... Belmont Family News Factor, bringing you the latest in current events, and vampire hunting news," said a middle-aged Simon Belmont. The wisps of grey at his temples showed that he was *not* a Maxim for Men user. "Trevor, what's on first?" Trevor Belmont laughed. "I thought who was on first, Simon!" The two shared an aloof newscaster chuckle. "Well, first up is that the king of all the suckheads, Dracula, has *once* again risen from the dead!" "That's crazy, Trevor. The latest of our kin killed him not even half an hour ago!" "Apparently, young Bruce didn't finish the job, Simon! Dracula is *once* again stalking the streets. According to reports, Dracula refuses to update his fashion style once again, leaving him stuck with the anachronistic afro and purple fur coat that he adopted back in the 70's in a fit of pique." "I guess he's a blast from the past, eh, Trevor?" "Indeed, kinsman. A Pimp-pire, if you will." Simon chuckled once more, and continued. "In other news, it appears that noted villain The Smoker has struck again! We have Sonia Belmont with that news. Sonia?" "Thanks Simon! Hol Horse, the maniac known as The Smoker, has apparently filled containers of hair spray, lip stick, deodorant, and many other common bathroom items with cigarette smoke! The authorities are stumped as to how he managed to do this, and have no clues as to his whereabouts! Now, to Christopher Belmont with the sports! Chris, go for it!" Christopher Belmont smiled. "Wassup, peeps! This is Chris Belmont with the Belmontzy Famileezy News Sports Show. We've got the spiggit-spiggity-sports for you right-" Christopher trailed off as an odd sound distracted him. "Sonia? You okazy?" The camera cut to Sonia Belmont, who was coughing madly. "Well, shit," said Simon. "Film at eleven." [---] "TO E. HONDA!" "E. Honda is the Alpha and the Omega," said Seth. "I'm not sure what that means, but I think it's due to his domination of the Alpha series and sitting on Omega Rugal!" "TO E. HONDA!" "E. Honda orchestrated the merger of Battletoads and Double Dragon!" shouted Guile. "TO E. HONDA!" "E. Honda hogtied Elvis Costello!" screamed Ken. "He's what, ten foot seven now, four hundred and eighty one pounds?" "TO E. HONDA!" "E. Honda once took Blanka to the Grand Canyon," said Seth. "I love this story!" said Guile. "E. Honda rides Blanka all the way down the Grand Canyon and wouldn't you know it, his stamina improves tenfold and he and Blanka win Capcom vs. SNK!" The entire bar went silent. Then, suddenly, "TO E. HONDAAAAAA!" [---] "Hello, folks!" said The Smoker. "We've pirated and piggybacked all over this TV station to deliver to you a brand new commercial! Heeeeeeeeeeeeere it goes!" The camera focused in on a bathroom. The shower was running loudly, and a female voice was singing even louder over the running water. "I've got to DAH DAH! Get awaaaaaay," the voice sang. "Watch," said The Smoker's voice over. "Watch as the skilled martial artist known as 'Pantsless' Yuri Sakazaki uses nearly all of my products at once." Yuri Sakazaki stepped out of the shower, finally, wrapped in a towel. She walked to her bathroom mirror and began washing her face with anti-pimple cream. She wiped down her face, and put on underarm deodorant. Then she noticed the camera crew standing in her bathroom, and began cursing like a sailor. Then, she began coughing. She suddenly fell to the ground, eyes wide open, still coughing. A pair of pasty white hands reached on-screen and grabbed her mouth. They wiggled the lips while another voice said, "Love that Smoker!" In the background, Yuri's ragged coughing could still be heard. [---] "Run you pukes! Faster! Faster! Sound off! I can't hear *you*!" The Violence Unlimited Crew ran faster. "...feed off the flesh of humanoids..." "Fuckin' Wily," said X. He walked across the track, right into the middle of Violence Unlimited's eight mile run. Grimm, who was shouting at the gang and not looking where he was going, tripped over X, sending both of them to the ground. "..." said Grimm as he got to his feet. "Who in the fu-" "...driven to feed off the flesh of humanoids..." X and Grimm stared at each other. A quiet rumble began emanating from both their stomachs. Grimm threw his scythe at X, only to have X duck and fire off a Cut Blade. Grimm dodged. The two stared a bit more. They stared at each other up to and until J.P. Polnareff finished his last lap around the track. "Whew," said Polnareff. "I'm bushed. Hey, you guys got any water?" Grimm and X turned and stared at Polnareff. Their stomachs rumbled louder. "You know what?" said a very winded CJ. "This was a bad fucking idea." He looked up in the sky and noticed a large teddy bear smoking a cigar. The cigar was spewing clouds of noxious smoke into the sky. "Damn. Back to the office. Looks like we've got work to do. We can send a bill to Mayor Rodriguez." Violence Unlimited walked off the track, still sporting their "WE SUCK GOLF BALLS THRU GARDEN HOSES!" sweatshirts. [---] The Smoker paraded through downtown South Town atop a float in the shape of a desert, riding a Joe Camel statue. Guido Mista, wielder of the Stand Sex Pistols, stood beside him, wearing a bomber jacket emblazoned with The Smoker's logo. Mariah-Net was perched behind The Smoker, wearing a Smoker baseball cap. "Guido," said The Smoker. "Fire up the music." The crowd that had been following them cheered madly. Guido stood up from the float and grabbed a large boombox. He pressed a button, and the music came on. Loud. The Smoker grabbed Mariah-Net and hopped down from the camel. They shared a jaunty dance and spun around, laughing madly. The Smoker grabbed a microphone and cleared his throat, amazingly not managing to cough. "Ladies and GENtleMEN! We've had a good deal of fun today, but the time for fun is over! If you would please direct your attention to my balloons up there," The Smoker pointed to the sky, "I will be more than happy to end your worthless lives! Breathe deep, friends!" The Smoker jabbed a button on a remote control, and noxious black smoke began spewing from the balloons. "Stop right there, villain!" shouted a young voice. "Bao Wonder is here to stop your evil plan!" Bao Wonder leapt down from the rooftops and landed beside The Smoker. "Mar?" asked The Smoker. "I'm on it, puddin'!" said Mariah-Net, as she punted Bao Wonder through a nearby window. Battler Girl, who was still on the rooftop, facepalmed. "Where are you, Battler Man?" she asked. Then she leapt down, kicking Mariah-Net in the face. *ROSENCRANTZ!* "Great," said The Smoker. "Just great. Smooks, will you please come get rid of these guys?" A swift kick in the head from Kim Jae Hoon silenced The Smoker for a long while. However, that didn't stop the Smooks, faceless minions of The Smoker dressed exactly like Guido, from storming out of nowhere to fight Violence Unlimited. *GUILDENSTERN!* "RAARARNNNNGH!" said Hugo, after flipping over The Smoker's float. "That's right!" said Jae, giving Hugo the thumbs up. "Excuse me," said Guido. "But, I believe that I should kill you now." Guido raised his gun and prepared to fire. "Wait," said Fuuma. Guido inclined his head in Fuuma's direction. "Yes?" "How come we can see your gun? I mean, The Smoker always brags about how his gun is invisible, and stuff, and how 'the pen is mightier than the gun,' or something." "*cough* I said that 'Gun beats Sword! Gun beats Sword!,' you dimwit!" shouted The Smoker. "*hack* *cough*. Damn it." "Whatever," shrugged Fuuma. "Why can I see your gun?" Guido smiled and powerposed. "Because!" A spot light appeared out of nowhere, illuminating Guido. "My Stand!" Another spotlight, this time from a different angle. "Controls *BULLETS!*" Guido fired six shots from his gun at Fuuma, and laughed. "Allow me to introduce you to... SEX PISTOLS!" Guido pointed his gun towards the sky and a small man popped out. "This, is one of my six Sex Pistols. They ride on my bullets, and steer them." "So, you're like a fake Hol Horse?" asked Fuuma. "DIE! SEX PISTOLS, GET 'EM!" Six bullets exploded from Guido's gun, aiming in Fuuma's general direction. Fuuma tried to ninja dodge by turning into a log and jumping into the sky. This time, however, he failed. Four of the six bullets impacted against the log, blowing it to pieces. The other two bullets changed direction in mid-air to follow Fuuma, and impacted against his side, sending him careening through a glass window and landing in someone's bathtub. [---] Chun Li had had a hard day at work. Interpol was a pain in the ass, pure bureaucracy. Now, however, it was time for a nice, hot, relaxing, bath. She undressed in her bedroom and grabbed a towel. Of course, things were not to be. A loud crash from her bathroom alerted her to the fact that someone was in her house. If it was that creep Vega again... Chun Li stormed into her bathroom, ready to kick ass and take names. She noticed an orange haired ninja sitting in her tub, along with the wreckage of her window. Chun Li seethed in rage at the sight and stomped towards Fuuma with malice in her eyes. Then, she noticed that she was stomping towards Fuuma *naked* with malice in her eyes. She eep'ed and tried to cover herself at the exact moment when Fuuma's nose erupted in a fountain of blood, propelling him back out of the window. Chun Li turned to run back into her bedroom, only to meet Vega standing right behind her. Then, Vega fell to the ground, unconscious. Behind him stood three female silhouettes. "Skank," muttered Lei Fang, as she stepped into the bathroom. "Get her, girls!" [---] Fuuma looked up from the Fuuma-sized hole in the ground to see a very naked Chun Li flying out of her window. His nose erupted again. Not too far away, Battler Girl and Mariah-Net were battling it out, trading blow for blow, kick for kick, and... uh... punch for punch. *ROMEO!* A quick left hook from Battler Girl, followed by- *MERCUTIO!* An axehandle from Mariah-Net. Fuuma, who had crawled out of his hole, gaped. "Holy Expletives, Kim Jae Hoon! When you punch someone, you get a funny word!" Jae just nodded. "Yep, I noticed that as well." "RRRNGH," affirmed Hugo. "Quick, Hugo!" shouted Fuuma. "Punch a statement!" *OBVIOUS PARODY!* Hugo punched a Smook, puncturing his chest and the bodies of the three Smooks standing behind him. "Punch an adjective!" *TEDIOUS!* Another Smook bites the dust. "Punch... a review of MTV!" *INSIPID!* Four Smooks down. "Sweet!" shouted Fuuma. "Dammit, if you guys don't get over here *right fucking now* and help me beat these things, I'm gonna kill all of you!" screamed Poison. All three guys sweat-dropped and ran over to help. A little farther away, Bao Wonder faced off against Guido Mista. "So," said Bao Wonder, "this will be a battle of the sidekicks." "...you talk too much, little commie boy." Guido raised his gun and fired off six shots, which spiraled around crazily before nailing Bao Wonder in both of his arms, his legs, his head, and... his head. Both of 'em went right between his eyes, yep. "Good *cough* job, Guido!" shouted The Smoker, still lying in the gutter. "Bao!" shouted Battler Girl. "Are you okay?" "I think I've been shot," he said, before slumping to the ground. Battler Girl felled Mariah-Net with one last kick before running to attend to Bao Wonder. "Wait..." she said. "There's no blood! He missed!" Guido Mista shrugged and went back to firing wildly at the heroes. A keening sound from above distracted everyone from their battle. A large football shaped aircraft looped crazily over the buildings, and flew right up under the smoke-spewing balloons. A pair of football cleats extended from the front of the Battler Wing and snared the balloons, and flew up into the sky. The cleats contracted, cutting the ropes, and sending the balloons into the sky. Everyone went quiet. Except for Hugo, who was still merrily thrashing the last of the Smooks. After he finished, everything went quiet. The Battler Wing once again zoomed down from the sky. The seam opened up, and out fell Battler Man, who immediately vomited all over the blacktop. Kim Jae Hoon, Poison, Hugo, and Fuuma all walked over to him. "Hey, big guy," said Jae. "Thanks for the assist." "No *haggk* problem," said Battler Man. Fuuma looked down at Battler Man. "Yeah, that was okay. We're recently out of a couple of people. Do you and your goofy sidekicks want to join?" "Well, I'm not much of a people person. I don't play well... with others," said Battler Man. "However, if and when you need help... and you will, I'll be there." Poison glared at him. Jae began to thank him, but Poison cut him off. "We didn't want your help anyway. Fuuma is just being an idiot again. Let's go back and report to CJ." With that, Violence Unlimited walked away, leaving The Smoker, Guido and Mariah-Net beaten and bloodied. Battler Man looked over at his teammates, who were staring in awe at the Battler Wing. "Get in," he said. "Let's go home. I've got burritos waiting on me." They flew off. After about twenty minutes of licking their wounds, The Smoking Gunmen both stood. The Smoker glared at Guido. Guido looked down at his feet. Mariah-Net slowly got to her feet, wobbling slightly. "Guido," began The Smoker. "Yeah, boss?" "Why didn't you tell me he had one of those... those... *things*?!" "Um..." "Give me your gun." Guido handed the gun over to The Smoker, who promptly shot him six times. In the face. As Guido dropped to the ground, one of the bullets from the gun, number three, swerved around and slammed directly into The Smoker's face. Mariah-Net shrugged. "Well, that sure was twenty minutes of the sexiest kung-fu fighting I've ever seen." Pantsless Yuri Sakazaki wobbled on the scene, still weak from all the coughing. She noticed The Smoker's limp form and kicked him in the ribs. Then, Tina Armstrong walked up and piledrived Yuri head-first onto the concrete, knocking her out. Tina quickly high-fived Shermie and Lei Fang and they also walked off. [---] Author's Notes: Blargh. Sickness and lack of computer time slowed me down like all get out. Anyway, it's done. Thanks to Gavok, Grahf316, and Oniko Hakubi for prereading this bad boy, and a couple of gags. G'vock is next. Fear him. david 'black dub' brothers sarcasticasfox@canada.com [---] Angel stood at the front counter of a bar. She'd been waiting in line for a vanilla ice cream shake, and she finally had it. She licked her lips slowly, anticipating the pleasure that was to come. What she didn't expect, however, was to have the shake knocked out of her hand, spraying icky white goo all over her chest and face. It slowly dripped down in globs from her body, landing in a pool on the floor. Every eye in the bar turned towards her and stared. Seth was the first to speak. "...E. Honda just had SEX WITH THAT WOMAN!" "TO E. HONDA!" Angel ignored the revelers and tried to find the person who had covered her in a load of ice cream. She turned to see Shermie, Tina Armstrong, and Lei Fang looking at her, the latter seductively licking the cream off her fingers. "*Bitch*," said Angel, "you crossed the wrong woman." Lei Fang, Shermie, and Tina all leapt in to attack, only to be felled with quick kicks to the throat. Angel stepped over their bodies and walked out of the bar. "Now I have to get this damn thing cleaned. I hate it when it gets those nasty white stains." "E. HONDA WENT TO JURASSIC PARK AND SMUGGLED OUT STOLEN DNA IN HIS ARMPITS!" "TO E. HONDA!"