Hey Geese, took your lucky pants out to be pressed and cleaned. Left this exact copy for you. Hope you don't mind - Billy As Terry walked away from the rooftop ledge, he could have sworn he heard the words "FUCK YOU BILLY KANE!" Geese Howard descended for the final time in his life and crashed into the street below. In a nearby building, Lucky Glauber and Hon Fu raced to the window and watched the fall in its entirety. "Damn!" Lucky exclaimed after the impact. He looked over at Hon Fu. "He ain't gonna be in UVR4!" [---] Kyo Kusanagi relaxed in his office. It took him several hours to realize that the Mean Street Posse tied him up with regular, old fashioned rope and that he could free himself by merely igniting them. But anyway, he was back at work. "Hey, sweetie?" Yuki, his girlfriend/secretary asked over the intercom. "Yes, honeybunny?" Kyo impatiently asked back. "Some guy named 'Goro' is here to see you." Kyo nodded, pressed the intercom button and prepared to say, "Let him in." But then a thought occurred to Kyo and he hesitated. "Wait. Which Goro is it, Yuki?" "The really big one." Kyo blinked. "Can you be a little more specific?" "Well, he's really muscular." "And what else?" "He's shirtless." "Yuki, be more specific! Which Goro is it?" Kyo started squeezing his stress ball. "He has black hair." Kyo took a couple deep breaths. "Okay, Yuki. Let's try this again." "Okay." "There's a guy named Goro out there to see me." "Right." "Now is this the Goro with four arms or is it the guy who constantly has his eyes closed?" "Yes!" Kyo encased his fist with flame and smashed his intercom in anger. He wheeled his chair away from his desk and looked out the window. Outside, a bolt of lightning struck one JP Polnareff, who was quickly reduced to ashes. Kusanagi shook his head and lay back in his chair. "Ah well. At least I'm not like *that* guy. Hehe." [---] FORGOT ABOUT JAE Chapter 14: I-no Sleep 'Til Brooklyn Story fed to angry chimps by the Darkheart One Chapter inserted into a Pac Man machine by Gavin "Gavok" Jasper [---] Last time on Forgot About Jae -Rock started wearing a pair of his father's pants that he bought from MC Hammer's garage sale. -Johnny Maximum went on a rampage, putting the rest of the Detested Trio out of action. -I've got big balls. I've got big balls. They're such big balls. And they're fancy big balls. He's got big balls. And she's got big balls. But Slash is chased by the biggest... BALLS OF THEM ALL! -Jae made a new friend. -Bloody Mary made a bloody mess out of JP Polnareff. [---] "Okay, so let me get this straight," Cracker Jack said. "A fake Battler Man is rampaging through Southtown." The real Battler Man nodded. "And you and the other two were all beaten up by him." "They were. I injured my back the other day. But luckily it's about healed up." "Then why can't you get him yourself?" "I stubbed my toe on the way here." "Oh. Anyway, now you want my guys to help you out and take out this...?" "J. Maximan." "Right. Maximan." CJ continued. "And you want them to beat him up WHILE dressed as you guys." "That seems to be the case, yes." "...Why?" "Because underneath this mask I'm a millionaire ex-football player who will pay you to do what I please." "Makes sense to me. By the way, how did you become a millionaire in the first place?" "Lots of gambling..." "Ah." "...against myself." "That sounds about right." CJ looked to his employees. "Fuuma, you'll be filling in for Bao Wonder. Sharon, you'll be filling in for Battler Girl. And Hugo can be Battler Man." "Whoa! Hold on a second!" Sharon protested. "Don't you remember what happened the last time Hugo had to fill in for a superhero?" [---] Spider-Hugo stood on top the rooftops of Southtown, looking for crime. With a German grunt, he pounced off the roof and soared over the street. Hugo fired a strand of web at a nearby building to keep him going. Unfortunately, the top half of the building broke off from his weight and collapsed onto his falling body. "Hrrrrggggrrr..." [---] "Okay, you have a point. But still, I'd rather have Hugo as Battler Man than Fuuma." "Me too!" Fuuma interjected. "Because then I get to wear those nifty green shorts!" Everyone stared blankly at him. "Well, I do!" "Holy idiocy! I'd be better represented by the she-male," is what Bao Wonder would've said if he were in the building and not blocks away in the hospital. Right about then, Jae and his Nameless Everpresent Girlfriend entered the offices. "Hey, Jae!" Ultros enthusiastically said. "Hey, Ultros. Hey... uh... Nameless Sometimes-Present Driver Guy..." The Driver gave a cool thumbs up. "Poison, how's it--" "Shove it, Smiley. You're late." NEG frowned at Poison. "Actually, he has a perfectly good explanation for why he's late." CJ crossed his arms. "This better be good." Jae shrugged. "I don't mean to brag, but I single-handedly defeated the evil Shadaloo today." After a brief pause, everyone in the building began to laugh hysterically, except Jae, NEG and the Driver. The Driver only gave a smirk. "What's so funny?" Jae asked. Sharon stopped giggling for a second. "Jae, beating Shadaloo isn't exactly the hardest of tasks. We've all done it. Hell, even Fuuma's beaten them twice." "It would've been three times, but they turned the lights out when I got there." "That may be," Jae continued, "but Bison had a new guy working for him." [---] "Haha! Nobody can defeat my beautiful Shadaloo now that I have the legendary Captain Commando on my side!" The blue-clad newcomer powerposed. "Captain Commando! Is ready to rock! Oh yeah!" For some reason, the theme to Ferris Bueller's Day Off began playing around him. Vega flew through a nearby window and landed before Bison, Captain Commando and Balrog. He tried to warn them about Jae, but passed out before he could. "What is the meaning of this!?" the irate Bison screamed. "Captain Commando! Is thrusting! In the direction of the problem!" Kim Jae Hoon kicked through a door and stared down the power-hungry dictator. Jae lifted his foot and encased it in fire, followed by stomping the flame out into the ground. "Your plans for world domination are finished, Bison." "Actually, I'm not planning on taking over the world today, boy. I'm just planning on taking over Oakland." "Oh... Well the threat still stands." "Balrog, get him!" The tough-looking boxer punched his boxing gloves together and said in a nasally, non-threatening tone, "Yeah, this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna jab him until his unborn children can feel it. Then I'm gonna tear his lungs out and make balloon animals out of them. Then I'm gonna suck on his nose and swallow his brains. Yeah. Then I'm gonna adopt a puppy in his name chew it into little pieces. 'Cause I'm the champ." Everyone in the room stared at him, mouths agape. Bison put his hand over his head and sighed. "Balrog, go to your room." "Yeah, boss." The boxer left the room, allowing Jae to get even closer to Bison. "Your days of tyranny have ended, Bison!" "Not exactly. Commando, get him!" As the Ferris Bueller theme began once again, Captain Commando jumped before Jae with intent to maim him. Jae dropped his fighting stance. "Please, Captain Commando! For once in your life do something for the little guy!" CapCom suddenly became hesitant to attack Jae. He looked at Jae, then turned his head at Bison, only to look back at Jae once more. He kept frantically jerking his head back and forth, unsure of what to do. "Captain Commando! Confused! What! Would! Jesus! Do!?" He turned his back on Jae and ran at Bison with his fists out. "Well then," Bison said, backing away. "Don't forget to visit payroll and pick up your check for half a day's work." [---] "Then NEG gave Jae a jug of water and he did his victory pose," Fuuma said as he lay back in his chair. "And that's how it happened." Jae blinked. "Holy crap! That was pretty damn accurate for a guy who wasn't there." "It's a gift." Battler Man stepped over to Jae with his hand out. "Jae, I don't think we've been formally introduced. I'm Battler Man." "I'm Kim Jae Hoon." The two shook hands. "Kim Jae Hoon? You're Kaphwan's kid?" "Well, one of them. Why, you knew my dad?" "I met him once. We fought back in '94. I lost due to... uh... a time over. Yeah. That's the ticket. Anyway, it's a real shame about his death." Jae looked down. "Yeah, I know." "So are the fat guy and the scrawny guy still around?" "Funny you should mention that. They're both going to be visiting soon from Korea. Choi's fine, but Chang's been prone to heart attacks lately." Jae rubbed his chin. "If only I knew what was causing them." [---] "Toothbrush: check. Iron ball: check. Torn-up prison outfit: check. Torn-up dobok given to me by my late sensei: check. Lock of Leona's hair: check. Beard comb: check." Chang Koehan patted his belly and smiled. "That seems to be everything. Now to fit all this junk into the suitcase." Chang waddled over to a large suitcase lying on the bed. He unzipped the zipper and flipped it open. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" Choi screamed as he popped out from inside the suitcase. Chang's eyes rolled back into his head and he fell onto his back. "Geez, not another one!" Choi said before removing his claws. He jumped on Chang's stomach and began pounding his friend's chest. [---] "Okay, CJ," Sharon said, in full Battler Girl wear. "We're all suited up." The hat-wearing boss surveyed the trio. "Looking good. Now kick his ass for three points." "Hrrr?" "Just go out there and beat him up." "Hrrggrr!" "Here are the keys to the Battlermobile," the real Battler Man noted as he tossed the keys to Sharon. "You can drive it. I don't want Andre crushing the wheel into a diamond." The trio walked out the door, leaving CJ to deal with Jae. "All right, kid. Taking down Shadaloo isn't exactly the hardest task, but your heart was in the right place so I'll give you a break today. I've gotten reports that the Black Dragon are around, walking the streets. I want you to kick them around or whatever it is you do. And for God sakes, don't take off the one guy's mask or let any of them put their hands anywhere even NEAR your heart." "'Kay. I'm off, boss!" "Sure, whatever." Poison waited for Jae and NEG to leave before snickering. "The Black Dragons? They make Shadaloo look competent." "I know," CJ claimed. "It's just something for him to do." Battler Man cleared his throat. "You know, uh, those guys did take my car. I kinda need a ride home." CJ walked to the bathroom. "Sure, just a sec. I have to take a whiz first." "Take your time." Battler Man picked up a newspaper and opened it up. "Huh. Says here that at some point in the last week, Angel ate a banana." [---] Kano, Jarek and Kabal, the last three members of the Black Dragon, stood near an alley in broad daylight, smiling in anticipation. "Get ready, guys," the one-eyed Kano said. "We're about to commit the crime of the century." "Yeah!" Jarek announced. "The crime of the century!" "Ready, Kabal?" Kano asked. "Yeah! Ready, Kabal?" Jarek repeated. Kabal nodded. "You got it, boss." He then fished into his pockets and pulled out a crumpled lollypop wrapper, which he purposely dropped. The three criminals watched in excitement as it slowly made its way to the sidewalk. When it landed, they all cheered in triumph. "Take that, law!" "Yeah! Take that, law!" A fourth voice joined them from the alley. "Excuse us." The Black Dragons turned around in shock to see Venom standing in the alleyway. The white-eyed anti-hero growled back. "What do you want?" Kano demanded. "Yeah! What do you want?" Jarek also demanded. "You littered." "Damn straight!" Kabal told him. "And you call that the crime of the century?" "That's right!" Kano pulled out a knife. "Now let's fight!" "Yeah! Let's fight!" Venom sighed. "You guys aren't even worth our wrath. But since we're bored and you insist, here you go." The symbiote/human hybrid stalked over to the trio, who had their knives and hook swords ready. "Yeah!" another voice rang out. "Get 'em, Big V!" Venom realized who was talking to him and began to rub his temples. "Oh, God. Not him." "Give 'em what for, buddy!" A blonde man in black spandex covering most of his body and a red covering over his eyes jumped out, along with a black shadow-like creature. Venom groaned and looked at Zato-One. "Listen, Zato. We appreciate the--" "I'm... I mean, we're not Zato-One anymore, Big V! Our new name is Eddie!" "Eddie?! Oh, you've gotta be kidding us." "Well, my bowling partner's name is already Venom so I figured..." "Listen, Zato..." "Eddie." "*Zato*. We appreciate you being a big fan of our work and all, but this is going too far!" "What do you mean, Big V?" "First off, stop calling me 'Big V', okay? You sacrificed your eyes for a second-rate symbiote. You hang out with a guy because his name is the same as ours. You've changed your name to 'Eddie'. You won't stop stalking us." "So what's your point?" "Zato, get the fuck out of our lives!" "But... but... but..." "No buts, Zato! You want to be like us? Get Skullomania to ruin your life and go bug him for a while. But for now, I don't even want to see your ass-flaunting self around! Now leave!" Zato-One/Eddie sulked and walked away. Venom turned to fight the Black Dragons, but found that they escaped. "Great. Just great." [---] Kain smiled. "Heh. That Rock Howard will be back. Only I know the list of articles for the ultimate outfit. A list that I wrote down on this piece of... paper." Kain searched his pockets. "Oh shit. Where the fuck did I put it? Don't tell me that little fuck pick-pocketed my list. Goddammit!" Grant ran by. "Sorry sexy, but I have my own problems to worry about! Damn meddling soldiers!" Kain watched Grant run away and lifted his eyebrow. When he looked to see what was after him, Metal Slug and Bonus Kun trampled over him. "Come on, gang!" Marco piped. "Let's unmask him and see who he really is!" [---] Rock knocked on the front door of a huge, German castle. He waited for it to open, using his time to look over the list. Finally, the door opened. What Rock Howard saw was almost the splitting image of himself. Sure, he was dressed differently, had purple hair and was slightly more muscular, but the resemblance was uncanny. "Stone Krauser! How've you been, you Blitzballing son of a bitch?" "Cousin Rock! What are you doing here, you little runt?" The two laughed and quickly exchanged a hug. "Actually," Rock started, "I'm here to see your dad, Uncle Wolfgang. He here?" The smile on Stone's face died down. "Bummer. Heh. Uh, you're a little to late, Rock." "Why?" "See... well... the thing is... I killed him today." "You WHAT?!" "It's the whole House of Strolheim becoming a man thing. I killed my dad in battle, he killed his dad in battle, who killed his dad in battle, and, well, you get it." Rock shook his head. "I'll miss the old guy. Anyway, you can help me with this too." "Sure, what's up?" "I'm trying to put together the ultimate fighting outfit, or the Ultimate Ensemble if you're like Grant. All the articles are on this list. So far I have my dad's Emergency Pants. So, you know that armor your dad would always wear?" "Oh yeah. It's one of the things I inherited. The armor, this castle, the butlers and maids... Oh! And my dad's stash." "His *what*?" Stone turned his head away, slapped something onto his face and turned back with purple whiskers over his upper lip. "Mustache." "Anyway, I kinda need that armor so..." Stone nodded. "Sure, hold on. I'll go get it." A couple minutes later, Stone Krauser came back with his father's golden shoulder armor. "Here you go." Rock paused. "That's it? No big fight over the right to own it?" "Nah. I never liked the armor anyway. It weighs a ton and all dad ever did was remove it before fighting. Besides, you're family." Rock put the armor on his shoulders and wobbled a bit. "Well, thanks Stone. I'm going to go find the rest. Then I'll have my revenge on the Kims for what they did to me!" "Oh my God. You still haven't gotten over that?" "No, I have not." Stone thought for a second. "Hey, you know what? Let me come with you and help you assemble the outfit." "Thanks, but why?" "Eh, it's boring here. The pool table's broken and we don't get cable. Plus, I've always wanted to see Southtown." "Well... all right. But I don't want you stabbing me in the back, okay?" "Heh. Do I look like Ms. Big to you?" "Okay, okay. Point taken. So who's next on the list?" Stone looked over the sheet. "Heh. Speaking of the Kims, we have to see that girl their dad used to team with." "Then let's move it." [---] Kin Korn Karn sipped from the largest bowl of porridge. "This porridge is very hot! BUT! It does not have! KARATE KICK!" He sipped from the second largest bowl. "This porridge is very cold! BUT! It does not have! MONGOLIAN CHOP!" He tasted the smallest bowl and smiled. Calmly he said, "This porridge is juuuuust right." Upon a second taste it occurred to him... "BUT! It does not have! PILEDRIVER!" [---] "Kyo, you have someone here to see you." Kyo talked into his new intercom. "Who is it, baby?" "A guy calling himself 'Scorpion'." "Scorpion? Which one?" "He's wearing a mask." "Go on." "He looks really mysterious." "Okay. And?" "He's wearing an outfit that any normal person wouldn't be caught dead in when walking the streets." "Yuki?" "Yes, dear?" "You're not very good at this." [---] Seth raised his beer in the air. "To E. Honda! He sat on all our heads and slept with all our wives, and we love him for it!" Ken nodded in agreement. "He goes about 6'10", 550 pounds!" Guile looked around the table. "Did I ever tell you guys about the time I went to Honda's barbecue? Well he reveals that all these years he's been keeping Charlie in his basement, feeding him only Spagetti-O's! So he tosses the bloated body of my long-lost best friend on the grill and cooks him until he's medium rare!" Ken mumbled something drunken and incoherent. "Exactly," Guile continued. "Now I should be really pissed about this, but dammit if that wasn't the tastiest burger I've ever eaten! To E. Honda!" "He has a birthmark shaped like Birdie eating a tuna sandwich!" R. Mika shouted. "Say," Benimaru said, from across the bar, "are you guys talking about E. Honda?" "Yeah!" they all retorted. "I *know* E. Honda!" Seth drunkenly piped, "Then let me buy you a round!" Ken lifted his head. "Say, did I ever tell you guys about the time E. Honda and I went hunting?" Guile nodded. "E. Honda? He goes about 7', 580 pounds?" "Right! So Honda decides that he's going to hunt down the entire cast of Rise of the Robots. And he does just that! He tracked them down and hacked every one of them to death with a machete! They all begged for their lives... except Necroborg." Mika added, "His favorite movie is 'My Favorite Martian' starring Christopher Lloyd!" "He made a tape of himself sleeping with Eliza and it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!" Ken said. Before taking another swig, Seth yelled, "I have that tape!" From across the bar, Sie Kensou said, "Me too!" "He came up with the concept of 'Just Defending'!" noted Guile. Seth put his mug down. "He named the New Faces Team! They did *not* want to be called that!" "He snorted Twelve like he was cocaine!" Mika yelled. "His first initial is E!" Ken paused and everyone stared at him. "I'm drunk!" And at the other side of the bar... When Athena found out about Benimaru's horrible fate as the Chosen One of Danism, she tried her hardest to come up with a plan. She didn't really come up with much. So she drank. And she still didn't come up with very much. So she drank some more. Then she started to forget what she was doing. So she drank some more. And so on and so forth. "Wow," Beni said. "She's pretty plowed." "Finally," Sie added. "I mean... uh... don't worry, buddy. I got an answer to your problems right here." "Oh?" Sie reached into his robe and pulled out a really thick scroll. "Athena?" "Huh?" she barely whispered. "I got that thing you wanted. You know, that contract." "Wha?" Athena rubbed her eyes and groaned. Sie handed her a pen. "All you have to do is sign here." "Whatever you say, Lion." "I'm Sie." "Whatever." Athena scribbled her name and slumped over. Sie admired the signed paper. The signature was a little sloppy, but it was Athena's. And that made it official. "So what's the plan?" Benimaru asked. "Plan?" Sie repeated. "Wait, let me see that." Beni snatched the scroll out of Sie's hands and looked it over. "'New Rules of Athenism'? The fuck?" "Pretty sweet, eh?" "I fail to see how this helps out my problem," Benimaru scoffed. "Though... rule #46 doesn't hurt it. Yowza." "Call it nostalgia. I miss seeing her in that Psycho Soldier outfit. Hey, check out rule #15." "Communion buns. Heh. Nice touch." [---] "This bed is pretty soft! BUT! It does not--" "ROAR!" Kevin Ryan and Marky watched through the window. "Oriental wrestler getting mauled by bears." Kevin marked that entry off the scavenger hunt list. [---] Inside his zeppelin, Calypso watched the cars battle below. There was nobody out there who could possibly match his power and stop his insidious contest. At least, in his mind. He then heard the door slam. When he looked back, he saw a bald man standing in the middle of the room, staring at Calypso. The man's clothes were far less debonair than the red suit of Calypso, as his buttoned shirt was hung open with his scar-covered gut and chest sticking out. One of his eyes was missing, replaced with a black ellipse and surrounded by scars. He silently stared at Calypso, without making the slightest movement. "Oh, it's you," the burnt face one said. He stared back out the window. He turned around once again to see the intruder was standing even closer, with a sadistic grin on his face, unmoving as a statue. Calypso didn't see him do either movement. "Well? What do you want?" The other man continued to glare at him. "What?! You can't be serious!" No change of expression whatsoever. "No! Get away!" Still nothing. Outside the blimp, the screams of the burnt Calypso could be heard for miles as the intruder slaughtered him (while nobody was looking, might I add). The bald man, also named Calypso, retook his place as the host of Twisted Metal. [---] Luke Glauber and the Big Brit Machine (Billy) Kane watched Angel and Battler Girl fondle each other. "Man, that Angel is a freak, yo!" Glauber said. "AND FREAKS! RULE!" Kane coherently said. Angel hugged Battler Girl. Her arms went through Battler Girl's stomach and the costumed crime fighter melted into putty. The putty reformed into Clay9999. "Fooled you!" Lucky began to vomit. He wiped his mouth and yelled, "Don't do that!" "Well you deserved it. It's your fault we got our butts kicked by that not-quite-Battler freak." "My fault!?" Glauber pointed at Kane. "If it's anyone's fault, it's this retard! He didn't do shit!" The Big Brit Machine grabbed Lucky by the throat and choke slammed him. He then swung his arm as a taunt. "Yrrgfltt!" The seat of Angel's pants got caught on a splinter for a couple seconds. I tell you that because suckas gots to know. "You're all guilty of losing!" a female voice shouted from across the room. The four members of the Mean Street Posse turned around to see an attractive gothic woman in a red leather dress and matching witch hat. She had a mole above her cheek and an electric guitar in her arms. Lucky looked her up and down. "And who might you be?" "The name is I-no. And I happen to know of a man more than capable of leading you four to victory." "Rrrsstyrrr?" "No. It's not me. But if you'll give me a moment, I can conjure him up." The others stayed silent, though with looks of suspicion. She started playing on her guitar and reciting poetry. The room became a dark shade of blue "Gates of Hell, it's I-no knocking Send me the specter known for rocking The funky zombie, skilled and able Give me Zabel... Zabel... ZABEL!" "IT'S SHOWTIME!" In a blast of light, Lord Raptor appeared behind I-no, playing a similar electric guitar. He finished up his final chord by sliding over to the others, on his knees. Raptor looked at the four and grinned. "Now this is what I call a motley crew. Heh. Know what I mean?" [---] Jae and NEG found the beaten bodies of the Black Dragon lying in an alleyway with a huge hole in one of the walls, neighbored by a pile of bricks. "What the?! Who did this?" Kabal gasped. "Tried... to put on white shoes after... Labor Day. Big guy... broke the wall... dowwwwwnnnnn..." The criminal passed out. Jae decided to walk away. His job was done, and he didn't really care about how. Kano, still somewhat conscious, continued. "Guy, kept talking about settling the score with some guy named... Hugo or somethin'." Jae stopped in his tracks. "Hugo?!" "Yeah!" Jarek coughed up some blood. "Hugo." [---] "What do you mean, you no longer have them!?" Rock demanded at May Lee. Stone lounged in the background of May Lee's Southtown apartment. "I told you, I gave up my belt and red scarf months ago!" Rock scowled. "Then where the fuck are they?" "Well, here's what happened..." [---] The floating puck flew past May Lee's defenses and sunk into the slot. Skullomania had won yet another round of air hockey. "In your face!" the friendly, neighborhood skeleton told her. "Well, it's three games to three. I think it's time to see just who is the best superhero-wannabe air hockey player." "What do you suggest?" "If I win, I get your copy of the Greatest American Hero for the Atari, autographed by that guy from the Greatest American Hero, himself." "My copy of the Greatest American Hero for the Atari, autographed by the guy from the Greatest American Hero!?" "Yes. The Greatest American Hero for the Atari, autographed by that guy from the Greatest American Hero." "But the Greatest American Hero for the Atari, autographed by that guy from the Greatest American Hero has been just like a brother to me!" "Are you chicken?" May Lee chuckled. "Well, when I win, what will I get?" "You can have my... uh... belt. That sounds fair." "Just your belt? This is the Greatest American Hero for the Atari, autographed by that guy from the Greatest American Hero we're talking about!" "Okay, okay. I'll toss in my scarf too." "Hm... fine. That'll do." May Lee became furious. "Fine! I'll toss in my underwe-- oh. You said... never mind. Then let's just play!" [---] "Great! Now we have to chase after some freak in a stupid outfit." Rock got up and left. "Thanks for nothing." Stone waved May Lee goodbye. "Rock, don't be so harsh. Anyway, can we stop by Ms. Big's place? I promised her I'd visit her if I ever went to Southtown." The door slammed and May Lee shrugged. "Ooo!" she realized. "I'm missing Terry Bogard Fighting Around the World!" She scrambled for the remote and turned on the television. [---] "Terry, my brother! It's been years since I've seen you!" Terry mocked Andy. "Oh wow! I never saw my brother before! Wowee!" "Terry, what's with the camera crew?" "Your show has been kicking my ass in the ratings! Now I'm gonna kick your ass! It's time to *fight*!" Terry put his dukes up and bounced back and forth. [---] Magneto changed the channel. "Man, the rating wars get crazy during sweeps." [---] Sharon blasted Johnny Maximan in the chest with AK-Chan. Unfortunately, all it did was make the monster angrier. He punched at her to no avail. She ducked the punch and kicked him several times in the stomach. She then back flipped away to evade the attack. Maximan jumped into the air and spun downward at the temporary Battler Girl. As he drove into the ground, he didn't make contact with his prey, but did create a shockwave that caused Sharon to lose her balance and land on a pile of trashcans. "You call that football!? Girls can't play football! Get off the field! Sit on the bench!" The faux Battler Man lifted his foot up to stomp the fallen opponent, but a holler caught his attention. "Hey, Johnny! How's it going!?" Maximan saw Fuuma standing on top a nearby building, waving his arm and holding onto a rope. "Fuuma? Is that you?" He stopped and started figuring to himself. "Wait, wasn't Fuuma in the blue outfit? Never mind. That was Hanzou... Whoa... I feel like my body's doing the Superbowl Shuffle." With the madman temporarily distracted, Fuuma jumped off the rooftop and swung at the behemoth. Being Fuuma, he missed by several feet and crashed into a wall. His yellow cape detached from the rest of him and floated down near Maximan. "NO! Not the flag! You can't throw the flag on me! I didn't grab his facemask! I swear I didn't! You can't send me to the showers! I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE CLEANERS!" J. Maximan grabbed the prone body of Fuuma and punted him down the street. This was more than enough to the cowled Hugo, who stood in the shadows. To him, nobody could pick on his little buddy. Well, except Poison, that is. Cracker Jack too. And Sharon. Hell, he'll even let the Driver get in a couple shots. But after them, *nobody* manhandled Fuuma. So Hugo did what he'd always do in these situations: He ran over to Maximan, lifted him up in the air, and stormed off. Surprisingly, Maximan didn't do a damn thing to escape. [---] "Kyo, honey, you have another visitor." "Who is it, Yuki?" "Someone named King." "King? Which one?" "The really masculine one." Kyo shook his head. [---] The real Battler Man grew impatient. "Hey, how much longer do I have to wait? I could've walked home by now! I mean, you only said you had to do number one." He stood up and made his way to the bathroom. The door was open, as was a window. A sole body was sprawled across the tiled floor. "Cracker Jack!" "Uh... my head." Battler Man helped CJ off the floor. "What happened to you?" "I... I was flushing the toilet when some guy jumped out of nowhere and gave me a tornado DDT. Then he ran off, yelling 'Hasta la vista.'" Battler Man grimaced. "This has to be the work of that fiend, El Riddlador. Did he leave any clues?" The dazed CJ tried to clear the cobwebs. "Yeah. He left this thing." He gave Battler Man an envelope with two green question marks on it, the first one upside-down. "It's a riddle. In Spanish, even. It says '¿Cómo es Gill y el hombre gordo similares?'" "What does that mean?" "How are Gill and the fat man similar?'" CJ thought for a second. "You're likely to find them wearing thongs on an Italian beach?" "Hm..." Battler Man studied the note. "Actually, the Spanish word for 'fat' is 'gordo'." "Maybe he means Eddy Gordo." Battler Man pointed at nothing in particular. "Exactly! Now what do Gill and Eddy Gordo have in common?" CJ snapped to an answer. "They're both incredibly cheap fighters!" "Precisely. And what is another word for cheap?" "Cheesy?" "Right. If my guess is correct, then El Riddlador is planning on robbing the Southtown Cheese Factory." CJ grabbed his bat. "Then let's find him and kick his ass!" "But wait!" "What?" "The thing to remember here is that El Riddlador is Mexican." "And?" "And where do Mexicans eat?" "...Taco Bell?" "Exactly! To the Taco Bell!" [---] Try to imagine that a football logo is flying at you while the background is spinning and horns are playing. Got that image? Good. [---] Battler Man and Cracker Jack sat at a table at Taco Bell, enjoying their burritos. CJ was almost sickened by the food. "God, why do you eat here?" "This isn't eating. This is searching for clues." "But you're shoving your face full of food!" Battler Man looked under his napkin. "He may have hidden riddles in the wrappers." Finding nothing, he looked under CJ's napkin. Then he peered under the table. "El Riddlador is tricky. He's smarter than you and I." "You're at least half right..." "That's sweet, but don't put yourself down. If you ate more brain food like me, you might get smarter. The more I eat, the smarter I get. I'm fueling the brain bin..." "Sure..." "...stoking the mental furnace..." "Okay..." "...putting the petal to my sweet-ass brain Camaro." CJ put down his food. "What?" "I love Taco Bell. They make the perfect food. This burrito is so beautiful that it makes me cry." CJ had no response. "How long do you think a burrito would last in the Battlerbelt?" "If you're wearing it? Not long." Battler Man continued his mellow rant. "Burritos should be distributed to disaster victims. It would get their strength back up, and give them sweet solace." "You are one sick bastard." "What? A Burrito has all the essentials of life." "It's meat and cheese." "Right. What else do you need? Rabbit food?" "I believe..." "I don't care. That hat you wear puts you under suspicion of being a carnie... and Mother Battler always warned me about carnies." He got up and limped away. "Now if you'll excuse me, the burritos have taken effect. I'll be in the can. If I'm not back in 10 minutes, call an ambulence." "You know, you just made this meal even less appetizing." Outside the Taco Bell, El Riddlador wandered by with his henchmen, all of them holding sacks of cheese. He was a scrawny man with short red hair, a green suit covered with question marks and a black eye patch with a question mark where his eye should be. "¡Parada! Necesito utilizar el cuarto de baño. Usted la permanece y sostiene los quesos. "For those of you who don't habla espanol, that was Spanish for him saying he needed to use the bathroom and that he wanted his henchmen to hold the cheeses. Also, "El Nino" is Spanish for "The... uh... Nino." [---] The Andore family was known for having fenced in areas staked out, filled with pipes, knives and swords, where they would bring their victims to be pummeled. Hugo Andore was no different. But when his comrades found the site, all they noticed were the bodies of two men dressed as Battler Man lying on the ground and a broken down wall. J. Maximan was knocked out, but Hugo was only mildly beaten up and shivered on the ground in fetal position. For the first time that anyone could remember, Hugo was terrified. Sharon rushed over and removed her cowl. "Hugo, what happened to you?!" Hugo shook his head and mumbled. "What was that? I didn't catch it." "I think he said something about a hobo," Fuuma told her. Hugo repeated. "No," Shannon said. "Something about Sonny Bono." Fuuma noticed two figures racing over and pointed. "Hey it's Jae and his Nameless Everpresent Girlfriend!" Jae caught up to his peers and began to catch his breath. "Sorry guys. From the looks of it, my timing is less than perfect." A couple blocks away, Slash was heard screaming in terror. "It looks like something spooked Hugo good and roughed him up." NEG stared at the shaking Hugo. "But who on earth could do that?" Jae looked off into the distance. His face seemed to darken and his eye briefly shined a white light. "I sense a great evil." He pointed at NEG. "You stay with the others and tend to Hugo. I'm going to go investigate." "Jae, don't!" she yelled. But Jae was already off. Hugo continued to quietly mutter the same thing over and over again. NEG paused. "Did he say something about bolos?" [---] Several minutes later, Jae ran into a late-night garage and found himself in a dead end. "Huh. I guess he's not here." Just then, a wall broke down thanks to a giant fist. "Kool Aid Man?" "Heh heh heh." "You're not Kool Aid Man, are you?" Jae looked up at the wall-destroyer and saw a shirtless mountain of a man in torn blue pants. The bald freak looked like somebody crossed the Thing from the Fantastic Four with the Incredible Hulk. The tanned fiend lifted a car over his head and advanced at Jae. [---] Fuuma listened to Hugo. "I think he said 'bad mofo.'" Sharon disagreed. "Maybe Jotaro Kujo did it and he's saying 'a Jojo.'" NEG crouched over to Hugo and smacked him across the face. "Goddammit, Hugo! For once in your life, say something in coherent English!" Hugo continued to shake. "English, motherfucker! Do you speak it!?" Hugo then sat up, accidentally knocking NEG onto her back. He looked up into the sky and gave a loud, fearful cry. "ABOBOOOOOOO!" [---] Author notes: Okay, so I was running a little dry for something to do with Garuda and OOSHA. So sue me. But hey, at least I finally had Cracker Jack appear for the first time in several chapters. I felt that with RECBT using TM2 Calypso, FAJ should probably use the under appreciated villain of Twisted Metal Black. And El Riddlador is an idea I've had for quite a while. He's Ramon, if you haven't figured it out :) Special thanks to the eDANgelist for writing up most of the dialogue for the burrito scene. Thanks to Nere for giving me the idea for the Greatest American Hero bit. And thanks to the black dub for prereading my half-done draft. Sorry if there are any gaping spelling or grammar errors. Up next is the originator of the Kimpros, the Multimediocre Knight. If his chapter doesn't rock your fucking socks off, then I just don't know what to believe in anymore. Gavin "Gavok" Jasper Half Horse Productions http://www.rit.edu/~gjj2192/hol [---] Ms. Big, daughter of the pimping crime boss Mr. Big, sat up in her bed, wearing only a bed sheet that went up to her underarms. Stone Krauser had his back to her, as he removed his light tin foil chest armor. He paused. "Want the mustache on or off?" "Off, please." Stone continued to remove his armor. "Too bad."