"Captain's Log: The time for Doom is arriving." The monarch of a European nation Latveria-- or as his boxes from UPS say, Victor Von Doom-- stood up from his throne. The Doombots, robotic replicas of Dr. Doom, kneeled before their creator. With the metal mask hiding his deformed face, Doom could only look serious when he viewed his newest creation. For before him was a large blanket wrapped over his latest weapon of mass destruction. "The prototype for my ultimate weapon is almost complete. My latest invention renders its user completely invincible. The only mild side effect is rampant, unnecessary cuteness. But with this weapon at Doom's disposal, the world will be mine once again!" "Not if I have anything to say about it, tin for brains!" Doom noticed out of the corner of his eye the image of a muscular, though skinny superhero, covered from head-to-toe in spandex, hanging from a thread, upside-down. "Spider-Man?" "Not even close, villain!" Doom turned his head then rolled his eyes. The intruder was just a man in a skeleton outfit, hanging onto a jump rope. "Oh. Skullomania. It's you." "Damn straight!" "Skullomania, what are you doing in Doom's dwelling?" "I've known about your plan for quite some time. Now I'm here to recycle your skirt-wearing ass!" "No, really. Why are you here?" Skullo sighed. "My wife's on the rag and I needed something to do so I figured I'd bug a bad guy." "And do you really think you stand a chance?" "Yes. Yes, in fact I do. Just as long as I remember to not hold this upside-down position for too long or the blood will flow directly into my head and I'll..." The hero passed out and fell to the ground headfirst with a sickening thud. Doom shook his head. "Never fails." [---] Iori looked down at Kyo and snickered. "Why are you hitting yourself, Kyo? Huh? Why are you hitting yourself? Why don't you stop hitting yourself?" Kyo put his fist down and shrugged. "Sorry. It's a nervous twitch. But let me tell you something, Iori. I'm the glue holding this city together. You can bet your ass that the Mayor has already contacted several task forces to save me and send you, your ninja buddies and your stupid Little Nicky haircut straight to Hell." Iori shook his head and stared at the purple flames in his cupped hand. He did that a lot. But let's be honest, you'd do it too if you could. "Anyone willing to face all of us would have to be a brainless idiot." [---] "Nice catch, Bao Wonder. Now remember, when you're tossing the Battlerang, try to do it when the other guy isn't looking. That way you have a better chance at winning." "But isn't that dirty fighting, Battler Man?" The chunk-head football player sighed. "Look, Bao... fighting is wrong." He nodded. "Okay." "And... since fighting is wrong, you're already in the wrong, right?" "Right... wrong... wait..." "See, if you're already in the wrong, you should go all the way. Okay, see... when I fight, I do stuff like spin through the air like a UFO." "Why?" "They're not expecting a fat, crewcut-having bozo to fly through the air like a UFO. It catches them by surprise." "Okay!" "Then I kick them in the balls." During this conversation, Richard Meyer entered the Battlercave. "Pardon me, Master Brian, but Mayor Rodriguez had called on the Sports Illustrated Football Phone. It seems Kyo Kusanagi has been kidnapped by ninjas and your services are needed to save him." "Oh. All right. Bao Wonder, to the Battlermobile." Bao began to run as fast as his little legs could take him, but his mentor grabbed the back of his cape. "Where do you think you're going?" "To fight crime! Aren't we supposed to hurry?" "Listen, old chum. Why are we going to save Kyo?" "Because he's been kidnapped?" Battler Man nodded. "Right. He's not under attack, is he? Is someone trying to murder him right now?" "I... uh..." "He's kidnapped. He's not going anywhere. So let's just take our time." "Oh." Bao Wonder thought to himself for a second then smiled. "Can we stop at a deli on the way?" "Sure thing, kid. We can stop at the pet shop, too, and look at the kittens." [---] Forgot About Jae CHAPTER 8: Fynal Fyters Story frozen at 60 degrees by Shelby Scott, known in crime's inner circles as the Darkheart One. Chapter tossed into your pants for the purposes of gambling by Gavin "Gavok" Jasper. [---] Previously, on FORGOT ABOUT JAE: -Earthquake farted. -Benimaru and Sie Kensou continued to get drunk off their asses, even while a giant Chu Chu was smashing up their neck of the woods. -Ninjas have kidnapped Kyo Kusanagi while Mai Shiranui continued to comment on Andy Bogard's firm ass. And can you blame her? I mean, man alive, have you looked at that thing?! ...not that I have. -Darkheart One introduced the other World Heroes ninja, Hanzou. Except he referred to him as "Hanzo" which likely confused several readers and Samurai Showdown fans. -WHO IS RUNNING TOWN? OH MY GOD BEAR IS RUNNING TOWN! HOW CAN THAT BE?! -Mr. Big may be magic with the ladies, but it didn't qualify when it came to driving Death away. -Ayane got bare-assed naked! Whoo! -Cracker Jack developed a disgusting infection in his man-junk area. -Fuuma didn't do jack shit. -Ronald AkuMcDonald was waiting for the rarely used star of the story. [---] "Let me repeat," Iori said. "Anyone willing to face all of us would have to be a brainless idiot." [---] "Can we stop, Mister Heidern?" Whip whined. "I want to use the bathroom!" Heidern, driving the military hummer, rolled his eye. "We stopped 2 minutes ago." "But that was because I NEEDED to use the bathroom! Now I WANT to use the bathroom!" Heidern blinked in confusion. "Ralf?" "Yeah?" "Beer." Ralf passed a bottle to Heidern who popped it open, poured it out the window, reached back and shattered it over Whip's head. "Birdies! Yay!" Heidern watched her swat at the imaginary birds through the rearview. "That'll keep her busy." [---] "Again. Anyone willing to face all of us would have to be a brainless idiot." [---] "DOUSHITA!!!" "Wait," Karnov said. "I'm a little off. Ahem. Meemeemeemeeeeee!" "DOUSHITA!!!" "Much better." [---] "For all the people in the back: Anyone willing to face all of us would have to be a brainless idiot." [---] "Uh oh!" Fuuma said in realization. "I think I swallowed my keys! Hold on just a second. I'll get 'em." He then shoved his own hand down his throat. "Fuuma, shut up!" the aggravated Cracker Jack said. "I want you to go get Kyo and for God sakes, watch out for OOSHA and the Ikaris!" "You coming with us?" Poison asked. "No, I can't! I have to stay here and apply this goddamn ointment-- which let me remind you, is coming out of your paycheck, Sharon. Plus I have to wait here and give orders to the new guy." "Jae?" Sharon asked. "No, not Jae. The newer guy." "Hrrrgglrrrhh?" "No, Joe's dead. I mean the new, new guy. You know, the one from Liberty City." "Oh right," Poison said. "*That* guy. What's his name, anyway?" Through the grunting and scratching, CJ told her, "I don't think that guy even *has* a name." Despite half his arm being down his throat, Fuuma still told his coworkers, "Hey guys, check it out!" "You actually found your keys?" asked Sharon. "No, I didn't find my house keys," Fuuma took his arm and hand out of his mouth and held onto the ace of spades. "But is *this* your card?" Hugo calmly looked at the card then smacked the right side of his face in legit surprise. CJ heard a knock and zipped his pants. "All right, you four. Get the fuck out of here! I have business to attend to." He slowly left the office in agony and walked to the back door. When he opened it, he revealed a Luke Perry look-alike with squinty eyes. He leaned against a nearby wall dressed in street clothes. "Ah, it's you. The new guy." He only nodded. "I have a job for you. We're out of Kunimitsu Cola. I don't care how you do it, but get to the store. If you can bring a couple twelve packs back safe and sound, there might be a little something in there for you." The guy shrugged and turned away. He stopped the first car that happened to be driving by. This car was dark orange with a white stripe across the top and an "8" printed on the sides. The nameless man pulled out the driver and jacked the car. "Get back here with my car! Just because I don't have a face you think you can walk all over me?! I used ta be a contenda! I used ta be somebody!" Well, that's what No Face *would* have said if he still had a tongue and his lips weren't wired shut. [---] "And just so you know, anyone willing to-" "SHUT UP!" Kyo and the ninjas screamed. "Sorry." Kyo looked around then smiled. "Hanzou... hehehe." "Stop that," the annoyed Iori spat. "Stop what?" "Saying Hanzou." Iori's eyes rolled back. "Wow. That does feel good." Mutterings of "Hanzou" filled the large, dark room. "Wow," Mai said. "That feels just as good as Andy's firm ass!" Kyo lifted his eyebrow and scanned the room. "Say, where *is* Andy anyway?" Kagemaru raised his hand. "He used to be with us. Then he left for his own sitcom on Fox." "Yeah," Noob Saibot added. "Andy Bogard Controls the Multiverse." Kyo nodded. "Oh yeaaaah. Now I remember. Not a bad show, actually. Better than the other crap out there these days." [---] "You weak, pathetic fools! It is now time for Shao Kahn's Slap Happy Circus Funhouse! Today I will fill your souls with darkness and feed one of you worms to Motaro, my centaur general! Plus we'll sing a song about tying our shoes!" The children in the audience all happily shouted, "OUTSTANDING!" "Excellent! Now let's say hello to our friend Bonker." Bonker the Clown came by on his unicycle, juggling billiard balls. He tossed the three balls up, back flipped off his unicycle, caught all three ball in his mouth and smiled right before pieing himself in the face. Kahn grabbed him by the neck and held him up. "Your dismal performance fails to amuse me! Bonker, I shall EAT YOUR SOUL! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!" The children cheered. [---] "Wait," Kyo said, still scanning the crowd. "Where's that Bushin guy with the Nikes?" Maki shrugged. "Not sure. We haven't seen Guy around for a while. Nobody knows where he is." [---] In the 1940s Chicago, doomed cat burglar Larcen Tyler adjusted his trench coat and tipped his hat. He was just given a mission from mob boss, Mr. Taglalini, to deliver a package to the hospital. Little did he know that he was really being set up and the package was a bomb meant to terminate him. Before he got into his car, a phone booth appeared from the sky and landed in front of the vehicle. Electricity crackled around the booth and two figures stepped out. One was dressed in red-orange gi of some sort, while the other was in prison stripes and giant handcuffs. "Who the hell are you two?" "I am Guy!" "And I am Cody!" "Together we are..." "FYNAL FYTERS!" They both banged their heads and played air guitar. "What the fuck is going on here?" Larcen calmly demanded. Guy pointed to the package in Larcen's hands. "Dude, that package in your hands is totally a bomb!" "Yeah! Those unrighteous dudes you work for have set you up!" Guy nodded. "Very bogus indeed." Larcen found this hard to swallow. But he suspiciously put his ear to the box. The sound of ticking caused his eyes to widen and he tossed the bomb over his shoulder and into a car that was driving by. After a couple seconds, the car exploded, killing a youthful Shun Di. Oddly enough, this had absolutely no impact on the future. Guy snapped his head back in amazement at the explosion. "Whoa..." "Holy shit!" Larcen exclaimed while holding onto his fedora. "You guys just saved my life! I can't believe those backstabbing assholes! You two want to join me in ridding the streets of crime through excessive vigilante violence?" Guy and Cody looked to each other and played air guitar once more. "Excellent!" [---] "Arr!" Cervantes arred. "I be comin' back from pickin' up a copy of the unreleased Aladdin 4! It be the one when Genie fights the Russian, it is!" "Well pop it in," Ruby said. The Bootleg Buccaneers sat around on the couch and began to watch the movie. Then their roommate strutted down the steps. Like them, he was a pirate, but he also was half-pimp. His open pirate jacket, pirate hat, pirate pants and pirate sunglasses were all black as midnight, with the occasional gold buckle and white skull insignia thrown in. "What up, sluts?" "Arr, Johnny! Would you be wanting to watch the new Aladdin movie with us?" Johnny-- who was NOT the same person as the movie star introduced several chapters ago, for those of you wondering-- pimp-walked over to Cervantes and bitch-slapped the taste out of his mouth. "Bitch, shut the fuck up! Don't you know what Disney does to pirates who fuck with their shit? They'll get medieval on your mustachioed ass." "Oh, calm down!" Bonne Jenet said as she lounged on her beanbag chair. "We'll be fine, Johnny." A message then appeared on the screen with a picture of a skull with mouse ears. A demonic voice accompanied it. "YOU HAVE BEEN CHARGED WITH PIRACY. YOUR FATE HAS BEEN SEALED. CHOOSE AND PERISH." Jenet, scared, responded. "Choose? What's that supposed to mean?" "CHOOSE. CHOOSE THE FORM OF THE DESTRUCTOR." "Oh, I get it," Ruby said. "Very cute. Whatever we think of will come and destroy us. If we think of Captain Kidd, then Captain Kidd will come and kill us all." Everyone snickered. "Okay, well maybe not Captain Kidd. But empty your heads. Just empty your heads and don't think of *anything*! Maybe if we blank out our thoughts we-" "THE CHOICE HAS BEEN MADE. THE TRAVELER HAS COME." Johnny looked at his friends and then at the TV. "Whoa, bitch! We didn't choose shit! Don't make me CUT you!" "Arr! Well I didn't think of anything!" "Neither did I!" Ruby shouted in defense. Johnny nodded. "And you can bet your ass it wasn't me!" The three slowly turned to the sheepish Bonne Jenet. "I... I couldn't help it. It just... popped in there." "What be you talkin' about, wench?" the aged pirate Cervantes asked in anger. "I... I..." From far away they heard the noise of a loud crash. As predicted, it was followed with screams. "Don't need this disguise anymore!" the deep, scratchy voice boomed from the distance. Ruby grabbed Jenet by the lapels. "What have you set loose, Bonne!?" Johnny stared out the window in disbelief. "Aw, sheeeit." Jenet pouted and solemnly said, "It's Bad Mr. Frosty..." In resentment, Johnny flicked a coin at Jenet and hit her between the eyes. "Bitch." Looking out the window, Cervantes stared in awe at the giant snowman coming their way. "Jenet, get the Lillian Knights! Last one in the Adrian be a rotten egg! Arr!" The pirates picked up as many bootlegged DVDs, CDs, VHS tapes, Beta Max tapes, etc. that they could get their hands on and scrambled. [---] Bad Mr. Frosty, the pissed off clay snowman, stormed through the streets of South Town, stepping on an unlucky JP Polnareff in the process. But on his way, he bumped into an equally large Chu Chu. "Watch where chu're going, chu icy jerk!" Frosty bared his coal teeth and growled at the pink rat-thing. "Call me daddy!" And the fight was on. [---] Benimaru rubbed his eyes. "You're a pretty cool guy, Sie. I mean, thanks for not being a dick to me. Most people make fun of me for being Kyo's second banana, or having this pillar-haircut and other stuff." "They call you gay, too." "Oh, right. Forgot about gay." Sie narrowed his eyes and looked out the window. "Hey, Beni. You know how your bride-to-be is destroying the city?" "Indeed I do." Benimaru gulped down half a Zima bottle. "Well now she's fighting a giant snowman." "Sie, maybe you've had too much to drink." He merely smirked and wobbled his head. "Heh. Have I?" "Okay, okay. Want some more pretzels?" "Sure." Outside a voice bellowed, "Frozen Frenzy!" "Say something, Sie?" "No." "'Kay." There was a brief pause. "Heh. 'Forgot about gay.' I just got that." "You got what, now?" [---] Magneto had spent over an hour watching Yellow Submarine. "These Blue Meanies are fucked up." "My liege!" The Third Acolyte said while kneeling and offering a receiver. "You have a telephone call." "Cool." Magneto grabbed the phone. "Y'ello?" "Hey, fellow helmeteer! How's it going?" "Doom, my man! It's going all right. What are you up to?" "Check it out. Doom has captured Skullomania. You want to swing over and join me in torturing him?" "Sounds sweet to me. Can we jab him?" "Sure!" "Can we poke at him?" "You can do that," Doom affirmed. "Can we crumple him?" "Sure! Whatever you want." Magneto paused. "Can we hit him with the rusty metal?" "Eh, what rusty metal?" "You know, the rusty metal." "Eh, yeah, of course!" "Last time when you had Cyclops captive, you wouldn't let me hit him with the rusty metal!" "Hey, now, I didn't say that!" "You did, Vic! You said that the rusty metal would cut him..." "Yeah, well, well..." "And you said that the rusty metal might give him an infection. You did, you said that! That's what you said!" "Well..." Dr. Doom let out an annoyed sigh. "Now I'm saying different." "So now you're saying different." "Look, are you coming over or not?" "I, I don't know. I'll have to think about it." "Ohhhh, don't be that way!" "Well..." "Well what?" Magneto was on the verge of crying. "It's just that every time you call me, I come all the way over there, and I don't get to do jack!" "You know what? I don't even care if you come to Doom's dominion anymore!" "Well, maybe I don't want to come!" "Well, maybe I don't want you to come!" "Oh yeah?" "Yeah!" After a long silence Magneto finally said, "So, should I bring a cake or something?" "That'll be fine." *click* [---] Inside the Violencemobile, Fuuma held onto his rod (not *that* rod, you sick perv!). In hopes to get his keys, he swallowed a hook connected to a line and tried to fish them out. He did catch something, but it wasn't his house keys. Instead, a scaly, green arm came out of his mouth, gradually followed by a being in green ninja garb. He slid out and sat next to the wacko ninja. Sharon stared at them and remarked, "I think I'm going to be sick." Fuuma looked at the green-skinned and green-clad warrior. "Let me guess: Thunder Hawk Institute for Learning How Not to Be Seen?" "You sssssssaid it." Sharon aimed AK-Chan at the newcomer's head. "Okay, you have 3 seconds to explain what the crimson hell is going on here before I blow your alien brains out!" "It'sssssss okay! I'm here to asssssssssssissssssst you. I am Reptile." Poison, hir hands on the wheel, said, "Great, one of those dime-a-dozen-ninjas. Get 'em, Hugo!" "Ugrrrhhrr!" Hugo reached at the back seat while grunting in his indistinguishable German, but Reptile removed his mask and spit his acid-like saliva into the mammoth's face. Hugo rubbed his eyes and grunted as the pain caused him momentary blindness. "I can assssssure you," he said. "I am here to help defeat the other ninjassssss." "And why is that?" Fuuma questioned. "Becaussssse we are one and the sssssssssame, Fuuma." Poison made the easy insult, "So you're both retards?" "No. I too am an outsssssider, Fuuma. I know what it'sssss like for them to persssssssssecute you." "Well gee golly, why? You seem like an all right ninja. You look just like six other guys besides the outfit color, you look semi-competent, and your misty spit smells like pepper!" Reptile sulked. "That mattersssssss not. I can never be accssssssssepted becaussssssssse of who I am. My own exssssssissssssstenssssss clashessssss with the firsssssst rule of the Ninja." "And that is?" Sharon wondered. "Ninjassssss are mammalsssssss." Fuuma nodded. "Ohhhhh yeah! You freak." Reptile hissed at him. "I'm kidding! I'm kidding!" "I alsssssso want to join with you becaussssse you know 'him' better than anyone." "Who's 'him'?" Poison asked. Fuuma whispered into hir ear and then shivered for a second. "Hanzou? Who the fuck is... whoa." The car then skidded until shi got hir bearings straight once more. "Anyway, what's so special about him and Fuuma?" The red-haired ninja took a deep breath. "Hanzou... is my head-swap rival. Our feud goes way back." [---] Hanzou spun upwards with a dragon-like visage of energy surrounding him. The uppercut knocked Fuuma back onto the concrete. The rival ninjas had fought for hours on the street corner. "Face it, Fuuma. You will never beat me. You will never taste the REAL Ultimate Power! You will never be so totally sweet!" Fuuma rubbed his head. "That's what your *mom* said last night!" Hanzou stayed straight-faced. "That makes no sense." "That's what I said to your sister the night before!" The red ninja popped back up to his feet. "You can never beat me, Fuuma. I'm stronger than you, quicker than you, more skilled than you, and I am most definitely smarter than you." "Oh yeah!?" Fuuma growled at Hanzou. "Well can you do *this*?" Fuuma then did a very bad optical illusion where he pretended to remove his finger. "Huh? Can you?" "Will you two shut up and go home!" a voice shrieked. "Some people are trying to sleep!" The ninjas looked up and saw Rose with her head out the window. She was dressed in a white bathrobe and had organic, green goo covering her face. Her hair contained many, many, many hair curlers. "Get bent," was Hanzou's reply. "Do you have any pistachios, miss?" was Fuuma's. Rose schlepped back into her bedroom and up to a glass case labeled, "IN CASE OF LOUD FEUDING NINJAS, BREAK GLASS." She smashed the glass and pulled out a glowing ball. Tired and walking like a zombie, she moved back to the window and tossed the ball at Hanzou and Fuuma. The ball exploded with light and consumed them both. When the light died down, neither had been knocked off their feet or damaged in any way. Hanzou looked around and exclaimed, "That was fudgelicious!" Fuuma, scratching his chin merely commented, "This is odd. Yes, very odd." [---] "Wait, I don't get it," Sharon interrupted. "What did that ball do?" "Well it's a curse, you see. Whenever me and Hanzou (orgasmic shiver) are near each other we-" "Sh! We're here!" Poison said while parking the car. "We'll sneak in through the vents." "Grrrhhlllrrr?" Poison nodded. "I'm sure Jae's probably fine. Or dead. Either way I don't give a rat's ass." [---] Jae, Nameless Everpresent Girlfriend, Yun and Yang wandered the halls of OOSHA's headquarters. Yun was surprised by how empty the place was. "Dear brother, good smiling friend, and his loving significant other, the corridors we saunter through seem to be abandoned, very much so." "Yes, my wise brother. Perhaps these OOSHA fellows are out for company reasons, leaving their captives unguarded in a move that is both irresponsible to them and fortunate for us." "Indeed." Yun nodded. "Man, this is going to be easier than we thought," NEG figured. Jae rubbed his chin. "Hm... I don't know. Seems a little too easy. Well, here's the plan: The four of us will split up and search this place for the Metal Slug guys. In fifteen minutes we'll meet back here and report. That sound all right?" The others nodded. NEG groped his ass during the nodding extravaganza. "Well, all right!" The Wushu Twins lifted their legs up with the accompanying darkness and petals. Jae stood in front of them with his knee in the air and his foot set alight. Nameless Everpresent Girlfriend stood to the side happily holding a large bottle of water. "Break!" they all hollered before walking off into different directions. Yun traveled down one hallway that gradually became darker and darker. "Very out of the ordinary, I must acknowledge. Not only is there no radiance in this area, but also I have seemed to stumble into a wall of some sort. Plus I can't help but perceive that it smells a lot like French fries." It didn't occur to Yun that what he walked into was no wall. Though when he saw the two glowing red lights looking down at him, he started to realize his predicament. "Are you being served?" Ronald AkuMacDonald quietly asked. The next ten seconds were filled with the sound of a fist cracking the bones of a weaker body followed by that body collapsing onto the floor. [---] Karin and her friend/rival Sakura watched TV in her private mansion. The movie they watched was a very low-budget adaptation of Slaughterhouse 3. The two teenage girls ate popcorn and gazed at the screen in boredom. "God," Karin said. "Could this movie be even shittier?" "Heh. You're right about that. But still, it's a good thing creatures like that don't exist in real life. Those things give me the creeps." Karin waited until she finished swallowing the popcorn kernel. "Well, you know, there is that one guy." "Who? Oh wait, you don't mean--" "That's right. Lord Raptor." "Shut up!" Sakura cried, putting her hand over Karin's mouth. Karin smacked the hand away. "What's wrong with mentioning Lord Raptor?" "NO! What are you, crazy? Don't say his name a third time, for the love of all things holy!" "Don't say 'Lord Raptor'?" Sakura shrieked and rolled into fetal position. A moment later, Karin started laughing. "You're so dull, Sakky. Saying 'Lord Raptor' three times doesn't do anything." Sakura slowly sat back up and took a deep breath. "Now if I said 'Zabel Zabel Zabel,' then we'd be in troub-- oh nuts." Loud death metal filled the two girls' ears. The television screen became a light blue color and the blueness ultimately filled the room. The girls turned around and saw Lord Raptor standing on the bed with an electric guitar in his hands announcing, "IIIIIIIT'S SHOWTIME! HAHA!" [---] AkuMacDonald delivered the final blow to Yang, ending the short and one-sided fight. He then ridiculed the boy's ability. "Fool. Your style is ridiculous. A man with decades of experience in that art challenged me once. His name was Gen." It was two down and two to go. The demon clown walked away to deal with the other intruders, but stopped when Yang continued the conversation. "So... what happened... to the challenger...?" The blood red arches glowed. "What do you think's in the burgers?" [---] On a park bench, Bao Wonder took a bite out of his ham sandwich. "How can I be a great fighter like you, Battler Man?" The heavy hero swallowed the latest bite from his meatball hero and looked to his sidekick. "Bao, you're not a big guy. Or a strong guy. And you're really not a smart guy, either." "Yeah!" "So... you should do something stupid to try and distract the other guy. Then kick him in the nuts." "Like what?" "I dunno. You're Chinese. I don't understand how your tiny Chinese brain works. Just make something up." "Okay... ah! I have one!" "Sock it to me." "I can throw fireballs!" "Right." "Lots and lots of fireballs, of all shapes and sizes!" "And this is going to win you the fight?" Battler Man apathetically scoffed. "Yeah!" Bao Wonder continued. "I'll throw lots and lots of fireballs!" "Okay." "Then when they're afraid of the fireballs, I'll kick them in the nuts." "Now you're catching on." [---] Jae Hoon continued to wander the halls of OOSHA's center of operations. Little did he realize the vicious predator stalking behind him without a sound. A predator with white clown makeup and bright red hair tied in a topknot. Ronald AkuMacDonald lifted his knee and hovered over to Jae, ready to deliver a Raging Demon with Cheese. The boy would receive a million clogged arteries in an instant. [---] "Oh, Trowa!" "Oh, Quatre..." "Oh, shit! Look out, Jae!" [---] "Huh?" Jae jolted in realization and rolled to the side, avoiding AkuMacDonald's maneuver. He hopped up and sliced AkuMacDonald across the back with a powerful kick. Though hurt, the demon didn't fall. Jae celebrated his successful attack with a smile. AkuMacDonald grunted. "I hate your smile. Soon my fury will make you grimace!" Jae, with his feet blazing with the flames of justice (not to be confused with Ace and Gary, the Flamers of Justice), flipped over and split-kicked downward at his opponent. AkuMacDonald merely parried the attack and punished Jae with a vigorous Shoryuken. The young Tae Kwon Do expert got back up and met a Happydoken head on. The stunning effects of the blast left him open enough for the dark fast food mascot's fists to have their way with him. AkuMacDonald dug into Jae with devastating blows, the boy helpless to defend himself. The next few minutes were a lot like this, Ronald AkuMacDonald overpowering Kim Jae Hoon with his superior skill and Jae only getting a few moves in. Eventually, AkuMacDonald stood victorious, holding Jae's limp body in the air with one hand. "Feh. Is this the best that Cracker Jack has to offer? You're not even worth my time and effort." He tossed Jae into a wall and walked away. "I have beaten you and the annoyingly polite twins. Now I must deliver a Super Sized thrashing to that snooping girl." "NO!" Jae, with a quick surge of strength, flew at AkuMacDonald in desperation. The clown launched him back to which he came from with a thrust kick. He then stood over Jae, lifted his fist up into the air, and prepared for his feared Kongou McKokuretsuzan. "I was going to let you wallow in your defeat, but it seems I cannot allow you to live. And for the record: your father sucked. KONGOU MCKOKU--" *SPLAT!* Ronald AkuMacDonald exploded, spraying his blood and guts all over the walls. In the midst of the blast stood a confused Ayane whose amateur teleportation skills telefragged Jae's would-be killer. "Oh poo!" she cried. "I got blood and (sniff sniff) ketchup all over me and I *just* spent an hour taping this outfit to my body! That does it, I'm taking the bus!" She stormed off, leaving a bewildered Jae in her wake. From down the hall, Jae heard his Nameless Everpresent (except for the last couple moments) Girlfriend shouting his name. "Jae! Where are you? Jae!" "I'm over here, honey," he groaned. "Glad to see you haven't forgot about me." I bet you are getting so sick of that. NEG ran over and helped Jae up. Behind her was the recently freed Metal Slug team and Bonus Kun, carrying the beaten Wushu Twins with them. "Jae, what happened to you?" "Would you believe me if I said I was soundly defeated by an evil oni dressed as a clown mascot who exploded when a well-endowed girl with purple hair appeared in his exact position?" The others looked at each other and nodded, muttering words like, "Yeah," "Sure," "I'll buy that." NEG removed Jae's shirt to reveal many cuts and bruises. "Oh you poor thing! Want me to kiss them all and make them better?" "Okay, but I only seem to have owies *above* my waist." "Hehe. I'll make some exceptions." Marco raised his hand. "So, like, hey man, what are we gonna do now?" Jae put his hands on his hips and smiled. "I don't know about you guys, but now that that's over with, I'm thinking about bringing the Hamburglar to justice!" Everyone began laughing hysterically until Jae, Yun and Yang collapsed from their injuries. Bonus Kun just smiled, like the freakish talking punching bag he was. "Reeheeheehee! Ronus-Ronus Run!" [---] The Adrian tore through the streets of South Town, far, far away from the battle between Chu Chu and Bad Mr. Frosty. Cervantes suddenly felt a strange feeling in his head and spun the wheel right. "Why the change of course, Captain?" Ruby wondered. "Yo ho! Me pirate sense be tinglin'! Something's goin' on in that thar direction. Arr!" The ship passed by Kevin Ryan and Marky who didn't seemed alarmed at all. "Pirate ship... there it is." Kevin marked off another line on his scavenger hunt sheet. [---] Fuuma led Poison, Hugo, Sharon and Reptile through the venting system of the "This is not a Ninja Hideout" building where Ninjas Anonymous had President Kyo tied up. Fuuma narrowed his eyes and looked back at his comrades. "They're close. He's close. Everyone follow me and be quiet." He crawled on. "Psst. Hey, Poison." "Sharon, what do you want?" "Am I the only one who's noticed that Fuuma hasn't done or said anything stupid in the last half-hour?" Poison nodded. "Yeah, I know. In fact ever since we got here, his voice has gotten deeper and he almost seems, dare I say it, badass." Fuuma whispered from farther through the vent. "Quit the gossip, dammit. I'm not going to let you two mess this up for me. So shut your goddamn mouths and follow unless you want to know what it's like to have a throwing star in your temple." Even Hugo had a wide-eyed reaction. Truly a side they had never seen of their coworker. While on the other side of the spectrum... [---] "Look everybody! I can fit my whole foot in there!" "Get off me, you sicko!" Mai shoved Hanzou away and adjusted her chest area. Hanzou wandered over to Iori and put him in a headlock. "Say!" He took a couple sniffs. "Your hair doesn't smell like Twizzlers! What a gyp!" Iori elbowed Hanzou's stomach and freed himself. "What's gotten into you?" The latest member of the team noticed an envelope hanging on Hanzou's pantleg that read, "In case of stupidity, read." Curiously, he snatched it away and read the note within. "'Dear Fellow Ninjas, If you're reading this letter then the worst has happened: I have become a reckless idiot with the attention span of a six-year-old. This is due to Rose's Curse. It also means that my arch-nemesis Fuuma is in the area. As long as he lives, my competence as leader will always be in jeopardy. Do what it takes to destroy him and end the curse, but whatever you do, do NOT underestimate him. Hugs and Kisses, Hanzou'" Iori gave an orgasmic shiver, crumpled the note up and looked around. "Okay, you heard the letter. Go find him!" Geki cleared his throat. "Um, you read the letter to yourself, Iori." The bishounen smacked himself in the head. Kyo snickered at his blunder, which earned the President of Kusanagi Enterprises a punch in the nose. Iori was going to reread the letter, this time out loud, but a door was smashed open. "RAH!" Ralf exclaimed right after he Galactica Phantomed the door into splinters. The fellow Ikaris followed through the doorway. Commander Heidern yelled at Whip for trying to eat her own weapon until noticing all the ninjas. Then he stood in front of his squad and pointed at the enemy. "You have five seconds to let Kyo go and surrender peacefully." The ninjas, outnumbering the Ikaris by a lot, stalked over to them. "I mean it! You don't want us to do this the hard way!" Guitars started playing from nowhere. Heidern began to sweat. "Seriously! I mean it!" A glass window shattered and two figures appeared in darkness. Everyone in the room froze in fear. The larger being's cape spread out like wings, revealing his identity. "I'm Battler Man." The ninjas, the military men and Kyo all remained silent for ten seconds. Then at the same time they all roared in laughter, pointing at the Detested Duo. "Holy embarrassment, Battler Man! I told you putting nipples on our suits was a bad idea." "Yeah, well that's enough out of you. I still say they make me look manly. Or manlier." The superhero changed the subject. "Okay, Ninjas Anonymous. I'm going to ask you this once. I want you to stop your evil ways and let President Kusanagi go." Bao Wonder tugged on the outer-briefs and whispered, "That wasn't a question, Battler Man." "It wasn't? Oh. Uh... okay, let me start that over. Ninjas Anonymous, I'm going to ask you this once. Can you please stop your evil ways and let President Kusanagi go?" He looked down at Bao Wonder. "That better?" "We're the evil ones?" Eiji Kisaragi angrily said. "We're the bad guys? Don't you know what this man," Eiji pointed at Kyo, "has done? Don't you know what this man's company creates?" "Company? I thought he was the President." "Yeah, he's the President of Kusanagi Enterprises." "Not the United States?" "What? Of course not. He's not even American." "Oh, all right. Listen, can you speed up the explanation? That new show with Shao Kahn is going to be on in a little bit and I want to make it home for that." "Anyway, Kyo Kusanagi and his vile company are behind the creation of these!" Eiji pulled out a long, menacing katana blade. Still looking at Battler Man, he reached out and broke it over Kyo's head. "See? Easily breakable ninja swords, rubber daggers, plastic throwing stars--" "Don't forget the smoke bombs that are really stink bombs!" Ibuki added. "Those too. See? That's why we, the many ninjas of the multiverse must band together and flip out. That is why we must use our totally sweet powers to kick him in the--" The Danists broke through a wall and interrupted. "KILL THE PAGANS!" Karnov, Jin Saotome, Bub, Bob, Strength-Chan and Dig Dug all flexed and shouted, "YAHOOIE!" Eiji sighed. "Great. It's OOSHA." Kitana rolled her eyes. "I hate those religious assholes. The only way this could possibly get worse..." The nose of the Adrian broke through a wall from outside and the Bootleg Buccaneers hopped out to battle their sworn ninja enemies. "...is that. Ugh." "Arr! Your totally sweet days are over, ninjas!" Iori shrugged. "Well, I might was well kill Kyo while I can." He grabbed Kyo by the neck and wound up his clawed hand. But suddenly the heating duct broke open and Fuuma fell to the ground. He made a perfect landing and kicked Iori to the ground. "It's... it's Fuuma! Kill him!" Fuuma stood with a dark expression on his face, blankly swatting away at any attackers who tried to take him down. He side kicked Jago, backhanded Chipp Zanuff, tossed Rain over his shoulder, then stared at Hanzou, who was digging lint out of his bellybutton. Hanzou came into realization and got into his fighting stance. "It ends tonight, Hanzou." Orgasmic shiver. "That's what you think!" "And do you think so, as well?" "Mmmmaybe." Fuuma popped his neck. "Soon I'll get my revenge for you killing my brother." "Well I only did it because he killed me first!" "Yo!" Sub-Zero snapped his fingers. "Huh?" The World Heroes said in unison. "That's not your story. That's me and Scorpion." "You sure?" Fuuma asked. Scorpion nodded. "Yeah, he's right." "Oh." Hanzou looked at Fuuma. "Then why do we hate each other?" "I'm sure I'll remember later. But now we duel." Earthquake began to sneak up on Fuuma. Hugo fell from the ceiling, shaking the room a bit, then smashed the fat man in the face. He lifted Earthquake and tossed him right into Hanzo (the Samurai Showdown guy) and Taki. Poison and Sharon followed, taking on any ninja or OOSHA member they came across. Reptile was the last to jump into the melee, immediately hearing condemnation from his peers. "Hey look!" Lin said, swiping Leona away. "It's the lizard boy." Galford laughed. "Hey, don't you know that reptilian ninjas have been out of style since the early nineties?" Reptile calmly removed his mask, lashed out his tongue, tore off Lin's head and swallowed it. "Care to repeat yourssssssself?" The American ninja blinked and stepped away. "I'm going to go challenge Cervantes." Hokutomaru dodged the fireball that Bao Wonder launched. "Ha ha! That the best you got?" *kick* "Oooooooo... guess not." The ninja boy grabbed his crotch and fell over. Battler Man picked up Hokutomaru's unconscious hide and used it as a weapon. "Good work, old chum." In another part of the huge room, Karnov pointed at Ryu Hayabusa. "Go get him, my young, loud friend! Get him, Strength-Chan!" "I WILL, KARNOV!" Strength-Chan ran off into battle. In a brief moment he was severely beaten within an inch of his life by the Ninja Gaiden hero. Karnov shook his head. "I need to teach that boy a fighting move one of these days." Yes, to call it pandemonium would be an understatement. Ninjas Anonymous, Violence Unlimited, The Organized Offices of the Saikyo Hiring Agency, The Ikari Warriors, The Bootleg Buccaneers, and the Detested Duo brawled throughout the room. Nobody was safe as opponents came at every angle. Ninjas fighting pirates, pirates fighting superheroes, Dan worshippers fighting army men, sexually ambiguous secretaries fighting mini-dinosaurs. An amidst the chaos, Ralf and Clark stood side by side, surveying the carnage. "Beer?" "Beer." Ralf pulled out two cold bottles of beer and handed one to Clark. Ralf took a sip and sighed. "Lot of fighting going on." "Yeah. Huge rumble." "Yeah. A kind of video rumble." "Right. In fact one could say that it's an ultimate vid--" "You know, we should probably be joining the fight." Clark shrugged. "Sounds good to me. Ikuzo, Ralf!" "Ikuzo, Clark!" The two powerposed. "CROSS CHAN--" Johnny's airborne body flew right into Ralf, sending them both into a wall. Clark looked over his shoulder then calmly drank some more from his bottle. "Shit. I bet that hurt like a bitch." The fighting went on for a few more minutes until Iori finally shouted, "Wait!" Everyone stopped what he or she was doing. "What happened to Kyo?" Hanzou raised his hand. "Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!" "Hanzou... oh, that feels good..." "I saw the Invisible Man carry him out five minutes ago!" Iori blinked. "The... Invisible... Man?" "Yep! That's what I saw!" Sub-Zero gasped. "You know, Reptile has the power to turn himself invisible." Everything moving in that room gave a hearty, "AW FUCK!" Everyone except Hugo, that is. He just said some unintelligible grunt. Kagemaru jumped out the window. "Ninjas retreat!" Mai Shiranui pointed at several members of the opposing forces with her fan. "Don't think you've seen the last of us! When we next meet we'll beat you like I beat Andy's firm ass with my right hand!" With that, the ninjas left the building and jumped to the rooftops of nearby buildings where they quickly disappeared from sight. [---] Mayor Rodriguez smiled. "President Kusanagi, it's so great to see you're well! I was really worried about you." "You know I kicked Sakazaki's ass." "Huh?" "Year-in, year-out. I whooped his ass." "Uh, so I've heard." "All three of them." "Yeah, so anyway--" "Ryo, Yuri AND Takuma." "Sir, can we change the subj--" "Robert Garcia too. In fact, I pretty much exposed Kyokugen Karate as being full of crap." "I, uh..." "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a business to take care of. Good day, Mayor Butt." Kyo walked out and closed the door, leaving the Mayor in shock. Reptile was still on the other side of the desk. "Ssssssssso, about the money for sssssssssaving Kusssssanagi?" "Right." Rodriguez handed him a huge wad of cash. "There you go." "Nicssssssssssse doing busssssssinesssssssss with you." Reptile got up to leave. As he did, the door opened to reveal the Vice Mayor. "Grrrr..." "Uh oh." Just outside the window, Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin pointed a camera at the goings-on inside the office. "Oy! Now wha' ah should probablay mention is dat bears and reptilian ninjas are natural enemies! Oy, and just look at dat magnificent bear tear that ninja ta pieces! Croiky!" Back inside the office, Rodriguez noticed the dying Reptile had dropped his wad of cash. He went to pick it up. "I guess you won't be needing this anymore." Vice Mayor Bear growled at him. The Mayor got into his fighting stance. "Oh, you want some of this, huh?" [---] Ninjas Anonymous, OOSHA, the Bootleg Buccaneers, Battler Man and Bao Wonder had all left the scene. All that was left was Violence Unlimited and the Ikari Warriors, both teams socializing over their failure. "So I guess it was all for naught," Sharon said. Heidern nodded. "But the ninjas were beaten, and that's what's important." "..." Leona walked to the hummer without saying a word. Poison looked around. "Hey, where's Fuuma?" Hugo shrugged. Ralf followed suit. "I lost track. Clark, beer?" "Beer." Ralf reached into his pants and pulled out Fuuma, who was drinking from a beer bottle. "You know you have a weird pixie living in your pants? Nice guy, too." Fuuma jumped out and fell on his face. He popped up, stumbled backwards and ran into Whip. After the collision, he turned around and their eyes met. "Oops," Fuuma grinned. "My bad. I would've watched where I was going but I wasn't in the mood. I'm lazy like that." Whip smiled back. "Did anyone ever tell you that you look like David Hasselhoff?" "No, not really." "Okay, good. Because you really don't. And that would've been so weird if they did!" Heidern grabbed Whip by the wrist and dragged her to the hummer. "That's enough out of you, Missy." Fuuma waved goodbye to her then turned to Poison. "Can I ride shotgun?" "You'll ride in the trunk and like it." "That's awesome! Last time you said I wasn't allowed to like it!" Fuuma started singing to himself. "I'm movin' on up! To the East Side!" "Hold on a second," said Ralf. "Those keys in your hands are for that car, right?" "Yeah," Poison verified. "Yoink!" Ralf snatched the keys out of her hand and tossed it to JP Polnareff, who was just walking by. "Hey, flattop! Have a free car!" "Rocking!" Sharon became livid. "What the hell do you think you're--" "Trust me on this." Polnareff ran to the Violencemobile, started the engine, and died from a car bomb that incinerated him with pink flames. Poison bared her teeth. "Those OOSHA bastards! No wonder they left so quickly!" "Hrllrrrrhpphhh." "That's right," Sharon stated. "CJ's gonna be pissed. Can you Ikari's give us..." the car was already a block away. "...a ride? Fuck. Now what are we going to do?" Just then, a beat up station wagon pulled up. The driver's side window rolled down, revealing the nameless new guy from Liberty City. He unlocked the doors and gestured with his head for them to enter. They rushed into the car right before it rode off into the horizon. "So are you related to Jae's nameless girlfriend?" Fuuma wondered. [---] "Everything has fallen into place. Doom's plans are on target now that my ultimate weapon is finished. And you, the foolish Skullomania, will be punished for your intrusion by seeing firsthand how devastating Doom's genius truly is! My reign as ruler of Latveria will spread far across the world and everyone will bow to my image! Doom will be supreme! Everyone shall fear me! Everyone shall fear my invention! Everyone will be terrified of the horrors of DOCTOR DOOM!" He pulled away the blanket. "...and Kuriboh's Shoe..." [---] Author's Notes And so ends another fun-filled (hopefully) chapter of Forgot About Jae. I hope you liked reading it. If not, then fuck you. Fuck you in your stupid ass! God, I love this writing freedom :) Special thanks go out to SD Ryukage, Mervyn and Darkheart One for prereading. Thanks also for A.o.D. who came up with a piece of Doom speak. And a big thanks to the eDANgelist who is the genius behind a good chunk of Battler Man dialogue. Magneto/Doom dialogue taken from Space Ghost: Coast to Coast, for those wondering. Up next is Signus Megido. We know that James Howard isn't related to Geese Howard, but is Signus related to Ignis? They sorta rhyme. Gavin "Gavok" Jasper Half Horse Productions http://www.rit.edu/~gjj2192/hol [---] Can Dr. Doom be stopped?! Will South Town survive the devastation of Chu Chu and Bad Mr. Frosty?! What role, if any, will Lord Raptor play?! Have we seen the last of Hanzou... whoa... yeah... uh, where was I? These answers may be answered in the next thrilling chapter of FORGOT ABOUT JAE! Same Battler Time! Same Battler Channel!