"Okay, feeling better now?"

Of course Benimaru was feeling better. He had about six Zimas, a shot 
of tequila, five rum runners and a Shun Di Special floating around in 
his system. By all regards, he should've been dead about twelve or so 
times over. Instead, thanks to the Hibiki Curse, he just grinned 
lopsidedly at Kensou, who was far, far less as smashed as he was. 
"Quite."

"Good. Now, feel like talking about how in Athena's name you got into 
this mess?" Kensou popped a meat bun into his mouth and chewed the 
chew of thoughtfulness.

"Well... it all started when I was in high school..."

[---]

"Hey, Kyo."

"Hey, Beni."

"Cool gloves."

"Thanks. Nice shirt. Saw Polnareff wearing one of those."

"Thanks. I think it suits my frame quite nicely."

"... you're gay, aren't you."

"... hey now."

[---]

"... you're not gay?" The look on Kensou's face was one of utter and 
total disbelief. Benimaru, drunk as he was, sighed defeatedly and 
downed another bottle of something that tasted like battery acid with 
a twist of lime.

"No, dammit. Just because I like the finer things in life and have a 
rather lithe, trim figure, everyone thinks I'm like those Wing Boys. 
I'll have you know I like to play 'hide the flesh snake' just as much 
as anyone else."

Kensou gave Beni a curious glance. "So it's a ploy to make yourself 
more accessible to women?"

"... er... y-yeah. Yeah! It is!" Benimaru put on his best smile.

"A clever fellow, you are." Kensou tipped his drink and took a slug 
of it... just as a certain tall-haired blond man stomped on in, 
drawing everyone's attention. "... whoa, hey, check it. It's 
Polnareff."

Benimaru looked over, eyes meeting his not-quite-doppelganger's. Jean 
Pierre's eyes burned with a hatred so intense that it almost made 
people care that he was in the room. "Hey, Jaypee. What's the 
frequency?"

"You, you little piece of shit..." Polnareff jabbed his finger in 
Benimaru's direction. "Ever since I met you, my life's been nothing 
but pain and agony and grief and stuff! Do you KNOW how many freaking 
times I've been to Park World?!" Although most everyone couldn't see 
it, Silver Chariot blipped into view beside Polnareff, epee at the 
ready and gaze locked on Benimaru. "I'm sick of it... and I know how 
to make the hurting stop..." With that, the Stand made its way 
towards Benimaru, who apparently couldn't see the thing...

... or muster up the willpower to care, for that matter. "Eh, stick 
it up your ass, Polly." Downing the last of his Zima, Benimaru let 
his head drop to the table. "Now g'way and lemme get smashed in 
peace."

"Peace? *PEACE*?! When I'm done with you, it'll be more like pieces! 
CHARIOOOOOOOOOT!" Silver Chariot rushed ahead, epee drawn back and 
ready to shishkabob Beni's brainpan. It just so happened that the 
Stand walked into a small area near the bar marked off with hazard 
tape. Said area belonged to one immense man who was quitely enjoying 
his Jesus, Your Fucking Pig-sized platter of buffalo wings.

Said man chewed. He smacked. He gurgled blissfully. He chewed again. 
Finally, his gastrointestinal tract produced a blast of methane so 
horribly tainted with... well, something REALLY horrible that it 
colored the air behind the massive man's ass a putrid green. All 
those in the area drew away, but not enough to see the knight-shaped 
figure being enveloped by the cloud of poo-gas.

Stands, as few knew, shared their injuries with their users. Thus, a 
beheaded Stand would result in a beheaded user. In this case, a Stand 
getting a lungful of flatulence would result in...

"... THE BURNING!" Polnareff grasped at his throat, gagging and 
frothing wildly. "MY GOD, THE BURNING! MY LUNGS! I CAN'T BREATHE!" 
After a moment of screaming, Polnareff dropped to the floor and 
convulsed for about a minute or so before expiring, Silver Chariot 
winking out of existence. The crowd, seemingly used to this, turned 
back to their booze and greasy food. Kensou and Benimaru looked 
between each other before laughing.

In his special chair, Earthquake looked behind him. His massive, 
buffalo sauce- stained mouth widened in a happy grin as he beheld 
Polnareff's twitching carcass. "Silent. But deadly." He hurried up 
with his meal, not wanting to be late to his Ninjas Anonymous 
meeting.

Somewhere in the background, a guitar wailed really, REALLY hard.

[---]

Forgot About Jae CHAPTER 7: Andy's Firm Ass

Typed by a thousand nude, catnipped catgirls for one Shelby Scott, 
better known as Darkheart One.

This chapter proves, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that ninjas are 
totally sweet.

[---]

Previously, on FORGOT ABOUT JAE:

-Sharon gave Cracker Jack a disease. No, not THAT way, you freak.

-Benimaru discovered that he was to wed a Chu-Chu. I took a few 
moments to cry in sympathy, then realized how fucking funny that was 
and giggled like a schoolgirl.

-Yun and Yang promised to help rescue the Metal Slug Team from the 
vile clutches of OOSHA. There was much posing and petals.

-Syrup bottles had hot yuri luvluv. You can't say much more about 
that.

-ASPHINCTERSAYSWHAT?!

-Benimaru met Sie Kensou, high priest of Athena. They touched on a 
level that borders on disturbing. Oh, and Beni saw Kensou's peepee, 
much to everyone's dismay.

Damn you, Mervyn.

... anyway, [---]

"Okay, I've gathered you all here for a reason."

Kyo stood on top of a crate, looking down at the massive army of Kyo 
clones in the warehouse floor of Kusanagi Industries. His face was 
twisted into a smile of sadistic glee, like he had something planned. 
"Today... is a special day. Do you know what day this is? HUH?!" He 
swooped down, staring Kyo-1179 in the eyes. "HUH?! HUH?! HUH?!"

"... er, it's... Kyo Fires People Day?" Kyo-1179 wilted under his 
boss's gaze like a taquito wilting under a heat lamp.

"Damn right! And today, I fire... you!" Kyo pointed to perhaps the 
only person in the group that wasn't a Kyo clone... some brown-haired 
guy in janitor duds that bore a strange resemblance to the ninja gear 
of the Kisaragi clan. "What's your name?"

"Kyo-227, sir." The janitor adjusted his possibly-ninja mask.

"... you don't look like a Kyo."

"I had an accident with one of Krizalid's generators."

Kyo frowned knowingly. "Ah, you're the one of the poor fools from the 
Puppy Plushie Power Incident. What a fiasco that was..."

[---]

"MORE PUPPIES!" Krizalid screamed, tossing cute, fluffy cloth puppy 
after cuddly-widdly widdle cloth puppy into the generator.

"Sir! The generator already works! Why're you tossing puppy plushies 
into it?!"

"Because they make the gnomes work HARDER! Can't you taste the 
flaming bag of poo? Puppies are the future of dinner theatre! 
PELIGRO! PELIGROOOOOOOOOOO--"

[---]

"Little did we know that combining generators and plushies created a 
body- warping doom gas!" Kyo groaned. "Sadly, Krizalid is too insane 
to be affected, but I see that your sexy, me-like face was hideously 
disfigured, explaining why you dress like some kind of Kisaragi 
ninja."

"So can I keep my job?"

"Fuck no."

[---]

"Yeeeeeeeeeeah." Mister Big grinned to himself in the manner than 
only a man with a small entourage of sexy, slinky female tagalongs 
could have. He was quite the happy man, cruising down Main Street in 
his humvee as the ladies looked on, smiling and waving. "Had that... 
had that... had that twice. Mmm, I remember her... wild monkey sex, 
indeed..."

Red light. Big jammed a CD containing a number of songs with 
deep-voiced men singing about doing various semi-legal things to the 
female species. He enjoyed this CD, as it was a symbol of his life: 
no more stupid tournaments, no more stupid Kyoukygen-ryuu family 
peoples trying to kick his ass. Just his car, his music, and any 
woman he can lay pipe with. Big bobbed his head, his grin as wide and 
as shit-eating as could be. Life was good.

At that point, a black Corvette pulled aside him. Its driver, a 
strange, thin being in an all-concealing hood, hopped out of the car, 
grabbed a baseball bat from the back seat and started clubbing Mr. 
Big about the head, neck and shoulders with it. Quite fiercely might 
I add. Big's meager attempts at striking back were met with complete 
and utter ignorance by the being of the fact that sticks to the ribs 
are supposed to hurt... oh, and a loud voice proclaiming...

"Use MAGIC to kill Death!"

"... but I don't know magi--GHKKK!" With a final shove of the bat 
down Mr. Big's throat, Death walked over, tossed his bat (and the 
teeth stuck in it) into the back seat and peeled off in his kicking 
'Vette just as the light turned green. Before he mercifully blacked 
out, Big happened to see the bumper sticker on Death's car...

"Death... hurts... players..."

[---]

"Excuse me, Mr. Kusanagi, but I need to speak with you."

Kyo stopped midway in unlocking his car door and scowled at the 
not-a-ninja- really-guy that he'd just fired. "Look, buddy, I 
appreciate the offer, but I don't like you that much. Or at all, for 
that matter."

'Kyo-227' folded his arms, a smile hidden behind his mask. "Well, 
that's not why I'm here. Sorry to disappoint. MAI!" The man snapped 
his fingers and...

"Coming, Eiji!" A scantily-clad kunoichi dropped from... somewhere, 
landing next to Kyo with a very noticeable wobbling, as it were. "Mai 
is here!"

Kyo was, needless to say, dumbstruck. "The hell is this?!"

"In the name of Andy's firm ass, I am taking you hostage! For your 
crimes against those who live in this town are unforgivable, as is 
the fact that Andy's firm ass is always covered up by pants! Justice, 
as supple and strong as Andy's firm ass, will be made known this day! 
Prepare yourself!" Mai struck a mighty pose... and her very apparent 
attributes began to sway hypnotically. Kyo... just stared at them.

[---]

Ayane's eyes widened for a moment. "I feel... a strong disturbance in 
the Bounce." Her eyes narrowed as she got a better feel for the 
bounce-signature. "Her..."

Ayane vanished in a wave of snowflakes.

Her schoolgirl outfit dropped to the floor.

She reappeared in a wave of snowflakes, grabbed her clothes, blushed 
at the crowd of gawking high-schoolers around her, then did the whole 
vanishing thing again.

[---]

"You will come with us."

Kyo nodded. "I will come with you."

"You will do anything and everything we ninja say!"

Kyo nodded. "I will do everything you ninja say."

Mai grinned, just so. "Follow Eiji."

"Follow Eiji." Kyo did just that, Eiji leading Kyo to a big white van 
with 'We Are Not A Ninja Van.' on the side of it in big black 
lettering. "Eiji! This was as smooth as Andy's firm ass! I didn't 
expect Kyo to be so dense, like Andy's firm a--"

"Oi, I get the picture." Eiji revved the van up. "C'mon, the others 
are waiting."

"Right! Let's get to them with swiftness like unto that generated by 
the powerful movements of Andy's fi--"

"MAI."

Mai blushed a bit, looking down at her feet... well, she would've 
been looking at them if her breasts hadn't been in the way. "Sorry, 
sorry."

As they drove off, a guitar in the background started wailing so 
TOTALLY hard.

[---]

"Mister Cracker Jack!" The gleam hitting CJ's non-visible eyes 
alerted him to the fact that his new gofer was there, along with his 
girlfriend... and Yun and Yang?

"Greetings, fair barrel-chested ex-employer." Yun and Yang bowed in 
tandem, and NEG wormed her hand into the back of Jae's pants, as was 
her habit. Jae, at this point, was not letting casual goosing 
interrupt a good smile-on.

Thus, Cracker Jack tried to stand. Grunted. Groaned. Strained. 
Whimpered. Failed. Sat back down, reaching for some chamomile lotion.

"Er... CJ? You're acting like you have some horrible, horrible rash 
that causes immense, purple pus-filled boils to rise from your skin 
and cause you immense pain and agony when you move." Jae looked at 
the lotion bottle. "And... could you please not do that when people 
could be watching? It's rather disgusting."

CJ glared at Jae. "Get the fuck out."

"But..."

"ALL OF YOU!" CJ grabbed his bat and rose... grunted, groaned, 
strained, whimpered and sat back down. "Owdamn, think I popped 
one..."

"Friend Jae speaks of the feared Angolan Crotch Rash, dear brother." 
Yang frowned. "It is intensely agonizing, and is also very 
communicable."

"Quite so," Yun agreed.

NEG glanced at Jae, then at CJ, then as Jae. "... can we go now? I 
don't want my crotch to be all hurty-owie."

"I second that motion." Scooping NEG up, Jae headed on out. "We're 
going to rescue the Metal Slug team. Good luck with that rash."

"You knew about this, didn't you?!" CJ didn't bother trying to stand 
this time, instead throwing his bat at the fleeing group. "God 
dammit... I haven't had the Crotch Rash since..."

[---]

"Eh, don't worry, Jack. She's as clean as a nun." Vulcano Rosso 
grinned oily at Jack. Jack finally relented and stuffed a twenty down 
the stripper's thong...

[---]

Cracker Jack slammed his head against the desk, inwardly cursing 
Vulcano's name, as well as his need to scratch down there later that 
night. "This day can't get any worse..." Seeing that he'd decided to 
tempt Fate, the phone rang. Using his non-lotioning hand, he answered 
it.

"Violence Unlimited. You point, we mangle beyond recognition."

"I thought you were Violence Limited."

"We were. We're Unlimited now."

"But I like Violence Limited better."

"Too fucking bad. We're Violence Unlimited... and who *is* this, 
anyway?"

"This is your Mayor, Mr. Jack."

Jack's hat brim lifted a little. "Mayor Butt?"

"I changed my name." Mayor Butt sounded quite exasperated. "I am 
Mayor Rodriguez. Got that? Ro-dri-guez."

"But you were called Butt a week ago."

"I am aware of this! But I'm not, so stop calling me that!"

"I liked Mayor Butt. It had distinction and class."

"... do you want this job or not?"

"But Mayor..."

"ARE YOU TOYING WITH ME, LITTLE MAN?!" CJ pulled his head back from 
the receiver for a moment. "Alright... I need your help. Apparently, 
President Kusanagi has been kidnapped by ninjas. We need bad enough 
dudes to save the president." Mayor Butt paused. "Unfortunately, my 
vice mayor has already hired a pair of groups that I feel aren't 
capable..."

"Your... vice mayor?" As soon as he spoke, he heard a loud roar in 
the background, followed by pained screams, pleas for mercy and wet 
ripping noises. "... is that him?"

"Yes. Vice Mayor Bear is having a talk with some environmentalists 
about plans to open a new aquarium. He did not like their proposal."

"... so he's tearing them apart."

"Quite decisive and final a reply, isn't it?" CJ could almost *hear* 
Mayor Butt smile.

"Er. Um... so! Who else do we hafta watch out for, then?"

"Rather simple. First off, OOSHA..."

[---]

"WE'RE OFF TO KILL SOME NINJAS! SOME WONDERFUL NINJA PAGANS!" 
Strength-chan skipped about happily, signpost in one hand and 
Lion-kun at its side. "WE HEAR THEY ARE QUITE FUN TO SQUISH AND 
MANGLE AND SUNDER AND CRUSH!"

"... hon, d'you always have to sing before a mission?" Dig Dug fished 
out a cigar and lit up, eyeing Strength oddly.

"IT RAISES THE SPIRITS!" Strength-chan replied perkily.

"It also announces that we're approaching..." Karnov frowned. "On top 
of that, we are at a lesser strength without the Thunder and 
Lightning of Saikyo-ryuu... but we will triumph!" With that, Karnov 
tossed back a fifth of Absolut Curant.

"... let me guess. It raises the spirits?" Dig Dug sighed.

"No, it makes me quite drunk," Karnov honestly replied.

"You're like that all the time, aren't you?"

Karnov just grinned.

[---]

"... as well as the Ikari Team."

CJ snarled. "God fucking dammit, anyone but those 'official' 
assholes..."

[---]

"Beer?"

"Beer."

Ralf reached into his pants and pulled out a pair of ice-cold 
brewskis, offering one to Clark. Both of the Ikari warriors bit the 
cap off and slugged it back as they walked, along with Heidern, Whip 
and Leona, towards their destination.

"So. We are to defeat a gaggle of ninjas and rescue Kusanagi. This 
should be simple enough... Ralf! Clark! No getting drunk before the 
fight!" Heidern chided them, doling out slaps to the back of the 
head.

"Owfuck! C'mon, boss! Just one's not gonna slow us down!" Ralf 
grinned like a goon, while Clark wisely held his tongue.

"That was your third," Heidern countered.

"... well, just one, then another, then another isn't gonna slow us 
down! Ask Leona! She's seen us drink for hours without so much as a 
slur!" Ralf pointed to Leona.

Leona idly brushed her hair aside, looked Ralf over, then replied 
with a simple "..."

"... er, Leona," Clark cut in, "you're supposed to be on our side. 
Riiiight?"

"...," Leona replied, walking along with a look of boredom on her 
face. Ralf and Clark rolled their eyes... until Heidern slapped them 
both upside the head again.

"You heard her. Now shape up... Cracker Jack and his rabble will be 
here soon enough. We must be ready for... ready for... ready for... 
WHIP!" Heidern looked frantically about. "Where'd she go? If she 
finds something small enough to fit into her mouth, she'll--"

"WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Whip wasn't that far away... just 
reeeeeeeeeally high above them, perched on a lamppost. "Lookie, 
Mister Heidern! I'm a biiiiiird! Whoooooooooooosh!" She made 
controlled flying motions, trying not to fall off of the post.

Heidern's face grew a bit red. "Get DOWN FROM THERE, Whip! We've got 
a job to do!" After a moment of nothing, Heidern pulled out a Bison 
Pop from his uniform. "Come down and I'll give you a Bison 
Poooooooooop..."

Whip's face lit up, and she poinged in place, rocking the lamppost. 
"Oooooh! Okayokayokayokay--lookie! A kittieeeeeeeeeAAAAAUGH!!!" As 
she pointed at the nice kitty, she weebled, she wobbled and she fell 
right down, slamming into the roof of their hummer with a 
window-shattering THUMP. For a moment, she lay there, body twisted in 
a pretzel of agony.

And then she sat up. "OOOOH! I wanna do that again!" That being said, 
she flopped back down, out like the Macarena.

"..." was all that Leona could say as she shook her head and Heidern 
facepalmed. Ralf and Clark, in the meantime...

"Beer?"

"Beer."

Two more ice-cold beers came from Ralf's pants. "Y'know, Ralf, how 
can you DO that, anyway?"

"What, give myself--"

"NO!" Clark stopped Ralf before he could finish. "The beers, man."

"OoooooOOOOOooooh," Ralf replied. "Well, long ago, when I was but a 
wee little Brazilian boy, I ran into the Magical Chupacabra!"

"Aren't Chupacabra Mexican?"

"Shut up, I'm bullshitting here. Anyway, I caught him, and he granted 
me three wishes... the first two were for my neat napalm powers and 
to meet a cool guy like you..."

"Thanks. And the third?"

"Oh, that. Well, one day, I was thinking, 'Y'know, it'd be cool if I 
could pull ice-cold beers out of my pants. I wish I could do that.' 
Then I realized I was thinking out loud... and bam."

"... you are bullshitting, aren't you?"

[---]

Deep inside a pocket dimension located in Ralf's pants, the Beer 
Pants Fairy panted and wiped her cute brow, finally having a moment's 
rest. "... god and devil, how can a man drink that much beer?"

[---]

"Maybe." Ralf grinned. "Beer?"

"Beer."

[---]

"Anyway, Mr. Jack, I have to have some words with Vice Mayor Bear. It 
seems that he's in the mood for a discussion on our tax agenda."

CJ heard a heart-stopping roar in the background. "Er... right, Mayor 
Bu-- Rodriguez."

"Have a good day---BEAR! I told you not to edit out the tax cut for 
the War Gods! KO-OH KEN!" Sounds of war broke out... then the phone 
hung up.

"... uh."

[---]

Kyo finally came to. As his eyes adjusted to the room, he saw that it 
was dark, save for that one spotlight that illuminates the victim 
caught in the chair. Being said victim, Kyo did the best thing he 
could think of.

"Someone get me the hell out of HERE! NOW! Don't you know who I am? I 
am Kyo! I *AM* South Town!" He struggled a bit before tipping the 
chair, falling onto his side.

At that point, his eyes adjusted enough to let him see that he was 
surrounded by ninjas. Scores and scores and SCORES of them... Geki, 
Ibuki, Eiji, Mai, Lin, Sub-Zero (The Chinese Ninja Warrior With His 
Heart So Cold.), Scorpion, Hokutomaru, Kasumi, Vega, (The Spanish 
Ninja, whatever the hell that is.) Yuffie... the list went on and on.

But a particular face caught his attention.

It was a peculiar blue-clad ninja wearing a white headband... and 
carrying a beautiful electric guitar. He recognized him instantly as 
Hanzo... the infamous leader of Ninjas Anonymous! A ninja so utterly 
powerful that the very thought of his name made one feel the icy 
chill of death!

Kyo shuddered and stuff. Oddly, the icy chill of death made his happy 
parts feel good.

"Hanzo," he muttered before shivering.

"Yes?"

"Hanzo." Shiver.

"... yes?"

"HANZO." Big shiver.

"Stop doing that, you... PERVERT." Hanzo moved to wail on his guitar, 
causing Kyo to pause mid-Hanzo. "Good. Do you know why you're here?"

"If I were to believe what Mai says, it's because of Andy's firm 
ass." Kyo smirked for a moment at Hanzo.

"Andy's firm ass is the salvation of mankind! We must all lovingly 
grasp the hope of Andy's firm ass and squeeze it with passion... with 
desire... and joy! And then we must put our tongue to good use for 
the glory of Andy's firm--"

Everyone decided it was a good time to shout "MAI!" at Mai, making 
the horny kunoichi wince.

"... I'll be good."

Hanzo groaned bitterly. "Now then... are you ready to face your fate, 
Kyo Kusanagi?" He pointed the head of the guitar at Kyo in a suitably 
menacing manner.

"Pffft. There's nothing in this world you can use to scar me. I *AM* 
courage!" He braced for the worse...

... but didn't expect to see a certain tall red-headed man with broad 
shoulders, a muscular build, and eyes that could make Onslaught pause 
for a moment and rethink his actions. To top it all off... he was 
wearing a ninja mask.

"Meet our newest member... Iori Yagami." Hanzo stepped aside, letting 
the two get acquainted all over again, mainly by means of Iori 
getting nose-to-nose with Kyo.

"You're mine."

Kyo whimpered.

[---]

"... and that's my story."

Kensou nodded.

Benimaru nodded.

Kensou and Benimaru shook for a moment as a building exploded.

Kensou and Benimaru looked outside.

"Hey, Beni. Looks like your lover's grown to gigantic proportions and 
is attacking the city."

"Yep." Beni sipped at his Zima.

"Wanna try and stop her?"

"Nope." Sip.

"Cool."

"Yep."

"Pork rind?"

"Pork rind." Benimaru crammed the pork rind down.

[---]

Jesus, I suck.

This one's prolly not as funny as the previous ones, mostly due to 
being a bit rushed... but hey, Gavok should be able to salvage 
things.

I think, anyway.

Shelby "Darkheart One" Scott darkheart_2k@hotmail.com 
http://darkheart.sandwich.net

[---]

Ronald AkuMcDonald waited patiently, flopping about in his massive 
shoes at the bloody arches on his back ignited. He could feel them 
approaching... four spirits. The boy, the girl, and two others. Hmph, 
he'd crush them easily.

"Prepare yourself... because AkuMcDonald will love to see you die." 
He juggled a pair of Happydokens, waiting...

[---]

"Forbidden relationship."

[---]

"Oh, Johnny!"

"Oh, Glazed Donut!"

[---]

Ronald AkuMcDonald shuddered.

Oh yes, someone was going to die.