It was midmorning when Sharon schlepped her way into the Violence Unlimited office. Even after a few days of bed rest, she wasn't 100%, but after the Hugo debacle CJ wasn't willing to consider another temp. Oh well. Back to the daily grope. Poison glanced up from the latest issue of Maxim for Kids as Sharon entered. "Package came for you," shi said. Sharon came to a halt in front of Poison's desk and stared at the small package wrapped in plain brown paper that rested on the edge. Slowly she picked it up. She hefted it curiously, testing the weight. She tore open a tiny slit and peered inside. Then she threw back her head and laughed, a long, high, cackling laugh of insane glee, and dashed into the bathroom. Poison marked hir place with one finger and blinked. Sharon was still laughing, now with a rather eerie echo effect courtesy of the bathroom tiles. Shi looked at Hugo. "HRGFLTHMPL?" "Beats me," shi admitted. Several minutes later, Sharon emerged from the bathroom, giggling and staring at her hands. She opened the door to CJ's office with her elbows and entered. Poison and Hugo exchanged another puzzled glance. Poison shrugged and returned to hir magazine. Roughly fifteen minutes later, Fuuma emerged from the bathroom--how long he'd been in there, shi didn't really want to know--and stopped in front of hir desk. "Somebody dropped this in there," he said, holding up a box. Poison glared at him. "Who gives a fu--" shi started. Then she looked at it. "Something wrong?" asked Fuuma. "--ck," shi finished weakly. Hir lips quirked. "I just thought it was kind of odd," said Fuuma. "I mean, there's a market for just about anything if you know where to look, but I can't think of anyone who'd have a use for Acme Irritating, Contagious Skin Condition in a Can. Can you?" "No," Poison said carefully. "Fuuma? I think CJ wanted to see you. Right away." "Oh, really? Maybe he wants to talk about my Violence Unlimited gift certificate idea!" "You know, I bet you're right!" Poison said brightly. "Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to go hide behind something heavy." "Okay! Let me know if you need any pointers!" As shi made for the door, she muttered to hirself, "I hope I can hear his screams from where I am." [---] Forgot About Jae CHAPTER 6: That's Just All Kinds of Wrong Originally abandoned in the wilds to be raised by wolves by Shelby Scott, alias Darkheart One This chapter by Mervyn the Wonder Slug Last time on Forgot About Jae: -MAGNETO did NOTHING while BATTLERMAN and the BAO WONDER kicked his ACOLYTES' ASSES. -JOHNNY CAGE did a BAD THING with a DOUGHNUT and an INTIMATE PORTION OF HIS ANATOMY. It was subsequently EATEN. (The DOUGHNUT, that is.) -OOSHA, with the aid of BLANKA, BEAT THE CRAP out of METAL SLUG and TAUNTED VIOLENCE UNLIMITED. -JAE and his NAMELESS EVERPRESENT GIRLFRIEND actually DID STUFF. You should probably not expect too MUCH MORE OF THAT in this chapter. -BATTLERMAN watched BOOTLEG MOVIES AND PORN with a bunch of very literal-minded SOFTWARE PIRATES. -DIO moaned about RECYCLED JOKES toast death muffins red pison III for NO REASON AT ALL, REALLY. -GAVOK twisted a PITHY APHORISM into a HORRIBLE PUN. [---] Benimaru was rudely awakened by Bub and Bob leaping up and down on his chest. "Chosen One! Chosen One!" they piped. "Come quickly! We have converted another to the path of Saikyo-Ryu!" Benimaru stared blearily up at the two eager dinosaurs perched atop his pecs. "Whowha?" he said intelligently. "Quickly, this way!" said Bub, siezing his hand with one...er, flipper-type thing and yanking him toward the dojo. There he saw the collected members of OOSHA, including Ronald AkuMcDonald (A-Q-Ma, sadly, having died of a hyperextended elipsis) in his size 24 EEEE red floppy shoes, standing in a circle around a waist-high, furry, pink and white creature with a big pink bow atop its head. After they had all recited the Ten Commandments of Danimism (well, except for Ronald AkuMcDonald, who simply sulked in the corner, the bloody arches on his back glowing with his displeasure), Bub and Bob yanked Benimaru forward to meet their newest iductee. "Rolling Pink Thunder of Saikyo-Ryu, this is the Maidenly-Pure Pink Heart of Saikyo-Ryu," chirped Bub. "Yeah, hi," said Benimaru, trying to rub some of the sleep out of his eyes. "Pleased chu meet chu...sexy." "Glrg," Benimaru offered. "She is your destined bride!" Bob informed him. Benimaru's hair wilted in what could easily be construed as a symbolic fashion. He left a perfectly Benimaru-shaped hole in the door on his way out. [---] Meanwhile, Jae and his Nameless Everpresent Girlfriend pushed a wobbly cart down the aisles of the local Shop-N-Save-A-Lot. NEG tossed a head of lettuce into the cart and ticked another item off the grocery list. "Say, Jae?" NEG said as she maneuvered the cart around a corner. "Yes?" "Aren't we forgetting something?" Jae scratched his head. He checked the grocery list. "Oh, carrots," he said. "I'll be right back." NEG shook her head. "No, not that," she said as she tossed some pasta into the cart. "I mean something important." "I paid the rent...and the utilities...I had the oil changed in the car..." "No, something more urgent." Jae tapped his foot. "Huh. I'm stumped." "Me too." Just then, a pink-clad Benimaru Nikaido emerged from the dairy aisle and sprinted toward them. He hurtled their cart with ease, skidded around a corner, dashed through a display of canned peas, and created a new exit near the baked goods. Jae and NEG took cover as cans rained down over the area. A few seconds later, a small, furry, pink creature dashed after him, hampered in persuit by short, stubby legs. "Wait!" she called. "Beni! Chu-Chu's maidenly pure heart beats only for chu! Ow!" she added as a jumbo-sized Del Monte can bounced off her skull with a hollow *doink*. After a brief pause, NEG snapped her fingers. "Now I remember," she said. "Weren't we supposed to be rescuing your boss's friends from fanatical Dan worshipers?" "Oh, THAT!" said Jae, embarassed. NEG shook her head. "I can't believe that's something you forgot about, Jae. Now let's see...we got the Cool Whip...looks like waffle stuff is next on the list." "But--" "If we save them now," NEG said reasonably, "the ice cream will get all melty. Besides, if they took out Metal Slug, I think we might need to find some help, don't you?" Jae nodded, admiring her wisdom. Then the lights dimmed perceptably, and a stray cherry petal landed on his nose. He stared at it, cross-eyed, in confusion. Elsewhere in the store, a startled and rather confused stockboy shifted his gaze back and forth between two identical faces. "Uh...try aisle six?" he ventured. "Thank you kindly, dear stockboy," said Yang. "Indeed, you have been most helpful," said Yun. So saying, the Blazing Heart of Youthful Wisdom and the Swift Soul of Youthful Courage lowered their legs and continued along their way. "I fear, dear brother," Yun noted as he loaded a bag of flour into their cart, "that we have run low on the accoutrements required of pancakes, and that I have neglected to add them to the list." "Fear not, brother dear, for we may right the situation with the briefest of detours." Yang deftly wrestled the skittering cart into the Sticky, Sugary Things aisle, and promptly rammed it into Jae's ass as he was bending down to pick up a jar of jam. "Heavens!" cried Yang. "I do apologize. In spite of my best efforts to the contrary, this devilish conveyance has contrived to impact upon your fundament. Can you forgive me, dear strange young man in a gi?" "No, that's okay," said Jae. There was a momentary pause as the two pairs of shoppers sized one another up. "Say," said Yun. "Have I not seen you on television recently?" "Verily, dear brother!" said Yang. "When last we saw him, he was spewing forth green corruption in the arena of scripted combat!" Jae blushed. "Yes, well. That--wait, how could you know that was me?" "No mere mask can disguise the soul of a warrior!" Yun asserted. "No mere mask can cage the vomit of a champion!" Yang declaimed. "A most impressive display!" said Yun. "And the fight wasn't bad, either," Yang added. "I see. Thank you," Jae hesitated, puzzling over something. "By any chance, you didn't use to work for Violence Unlimited, did you?" "Ah, you must be our replacement." Jae nodded. "They mentioned you at the office--the Wonder Twins of Mushu Pork, right?" "Actually," Yun politely corrected, "that's 'Wushu Twins of Passion and Justice'." Darkness, pose, petals. "Oh, sorry." "That explains these things, anyway," said NEG. She raked a handful of cherry blossoms out of her hair. Jae scratched his chin speculatively. "Hang on... Did you say...JUSTICE?" "Indeed," said Yang. "Justice is the brilliant flame 'round which we, poor moths, must ever circle till, straying too close to its beautiful radiance, we perish in a glorious blaze." "Most poetic," said Yun. "Thank you, dear brother." "Er..." said Jae. "As it happens," said NEG, "there's this little P.O.W. situation we're supposed to deal with..." "Say no more," said Yun. "We are always glad to aid those in search of righteousness! For we are..." "The Wushu Twins of Passion and Justice!" they chorused. Darkness, pose, petals. NEG scratched her head. "You two aren't in some sort of forbidden relationship or anything, are you?" The Wushu Twins of Passion and Justice smacked their foreheads in unison. [---] "Oh, Trowa!" "...oh, Quatre..." [---] Damn it, no! Would you two get a room or something? Cripes. They've got stamina, though, I'll give 'em that. What's it been now, five chapters? It's a wonder they haven't perished of dehydration. Okay, here we go, for real this time. [---] "Oh, Mrs. Butterworth!" "Oh, Aunt Jemima!" [---] NEG dropped the bottle of syrup she was holding with a little yelp of disgust. "On second thought, Jae, let's never have waffles again." "My sentiments as well, dear woman with no name." [---] Dear Sir or Madam, I was most perturbed, upon perusing the previous chapter of your fine Impro Fanfiction, Forgot About Jae, to discover my name used as a common sound effect. I find this most distasteful, and wish to register my extreme disapproval. While has-beens such as Eric Estrada and Rolento Schugurg may be willing to sully their names in exchange for a quick fix of filthy lucre, I do not plan on sinking to that level of financial desperation until at least 4:37 P.M. next Thursday. As soon as I am free of this straitjacket, I have every intention of persuing legal action and painting your toenails with little frowny faces. Yours in haste, Frederick Y. Asphynctersayswhat, M.D., Ph.D., S.O.B. (deceased) P.S. My teeth are made of plaster. [---] "Now stop that!" shouted Dio, just before Kazuya Mishima clobbered him with a frozen ham. "Goodness," he mumbled as he righted himself. "I shall have to turn the air conditioner down..." Dio wandered into the kitchen, where he removed a bagel from the refrigerator. He opened his oven, inside which resided what appeared to be a large, anthropomorphic mass of flame. He handed the bagel to it, then shut the oven door. After about twenty seconds, a knock came from inside the oven. Dio opened the door again, and Pyron handed the bagel back to him. "Mmm," said Dio. "Toasty!" [---] "That's it!" Kyo shouted. "No more Mr. Nice Kusanagi! The next *bastard* who tries to steal my 'fire' motif is getting a *personal ass-kicking*." The Kusanagi Enterprises employee he was ranting to--and whose desk Kyo was standing on--nodded quietly and continued working. He was used to this sort of thing. "Right," Kyo muttered, "what was I doing?" The employee coughed diffidently. "I believe you were about to obsessively catalog all the people with fire-based powers and rant about them until your little twitch starts acting up." "You're darn tootin'!" said Kyo, as his left eyelid started to flap like a windowshade in a hurricane. "It's getting to be so a man can't even think straight in this city for all the bastards torching things. I can *feel* it. I can *feeeeeeel* the greasy little fuckers doing it *just to piss me off*! They must be watching me... Yes, that's how they do it. They have spies! Spies who steal my secrets! My flames! And my socks! Do you have any idea how much I spend on socks every damn week? I'm telling you, it's obscene. There's simply no logical explanation for it. Damn things vanish faster than I can buy 'em. I've had six guys look at the washer *and* the dryer, and there's nothing wrong there." "Sir, you've gone lucid." "Oh, whoops. I mean, I'm special, damn it all!" Kyo shouted. He snatched a coffee cup off the desk and slammed it back. "Kyo is unique in this world! Unique, do you hear me?!" "Sir, that was my coffee," said Kyo-17. "Yours is over there." Kyo crumpled into a fetal position and burst into tears. "Aw, crap. There, there. Shhhh, now. You know what?" "What?" Kyo sniffled. "I bet if you go and wait in your office like a good CEO, Yuki will bring you some hot chocolate and snackies," Kyo-17 sing-songed. "With the little marshmallows?" "With *extra* marshmallows!" Just then, a slightly overripe football player and a scrawny kid, both wearing entirely too much spandex, burst through a wall of Kyo's office in a car shaped like a giant football. "Holy cube farm, Battlerman! There's no sign of Eartha Kitt in vinyl hot pants anywhere!" the kid shouted as they leaped out the windows. "Not so fast, Bao Wonder," Battlerman said, holding one gloved hand aloft. "It could be that she is using this business as a front for her nefarious catnip smuggling ring!" "What the hell is going on here?" Kyo demanded. "Holy has-been, Battlerman! It's Kyo Kusanagi!" "HAS-BEEN? You little shit, Kyo *is* King of Fighters!" Battlerman shook his head sadly. "It's tragic when former celebrities turn to crime to support their extravigant lifestyles." "Excuse me? *Excuse me?* Is this coming from a man who hasn't been in a tournament since 1994? Why yes, I do believe it is!" "But remember, Bao Wonder," said Battlerman. "Sweet monkey justice makes no exception for the formerly famous!" "That's it," said Kyo. "Security!" Within seconds, the room was crawling with a phalanx of Kyo clones in rent-a-cop uniforms, fists all ablaze. "Holy compound fracture, Battlerman! Perhaps we made a mistake!" "Perhaps you are right, Bao Wonder. We must make haste to the Battler Cave!" Without a further word, the two climbed back into the Battlermobile. Battlerman threw it into reverse and, after catching momentarily on what had once been a display case full of Kyo's trophies, managed to back out of the building. "Speaking of forbidden relationships..." a security clone muttered. "No, you fool!" Kyo screamed at him. "What horrors have you wrought? What madness will you bring upon us all?" [---] "...oh, Trowa!" "...oh, Mrs. Butterworth..." [---] In the awkward silence that followed, Kyo belted the security clone in the face. Shortly thereafter, a flaming man wearing a black jacket and shades ran in through the hole in the wall. "Aaaah! I have poop and fire on me!" he screamed, before leaving the way he came. "...right," said Kyo. He rolled up his sleeves and followed after. [---] Benimaru burst into a crowded bar. The patrons turned to face him. "I'm not here," he declared sternly, allowing a little electricity to arc between his hands for emphasis. He then quickly surveyed the area for potential hiding places. He spied Sie Kensou sitting alone at the corner of the bar. For some reason he was dressed as an archbishop, complete with miter and crook. Not in the mood to check a gift horse's dental records, he ran up to Sie. "Don't take this the wrong way," Benimaru said, before lifting the hem of Sie's voluminous robe and ducking under it. Seconds later, Chu-Chu rushed in and looked around. "Beni-poo?" she called. "Are chu in here? Why do chu want chu run away from me? Chur flight only increases my desire for chu!" The bar was oddly silent as Chu-Chu stalked the room, peering into every corner and dark place, checking under ever table. She came at last to Sie, who had continued sucking down bourbon throughout the whole affair. "Exchuse me, father," said Chu-Chu. Benimaru stif--*froze*--under Sie's robes. "Yeah, what?" asked Sie. "Chu wouldn't happen to have a tall, lean, blond shooter hiding under your robes, would you?" Sie looked at her, slightly unsteadily. "Nope," he said happily. "I'm brunette all the way down." There was a long and deadly silent pause as Chu-Chu digested this information. Eventually, she evidently decided it was a no, because she turned and left. After a brief wait to make absolutely certain she was gone, Benimaru emerged from under Sie's robes. He was rather pale. "Dude: *underwear*." "I wasn't expecting company," Sie said, annoyed. "Well, I guess I can't complain. You did just save my ass. Uh, speaking of that...what's with the getup?" Sie glanced down at himself, as if forgetting that he was wearing vestments and a huge pointy hat were a perfectly natural thing to do. "Oh, this. It turns out that Athena was actually a goddess," he said despondantly. "I'm her High Priest now." Beni scratched his head, puzzled. "Isn't that good?" he asked. "I mean, it means she likes you, right?" Sie shook his head and sighed. "It doesn't matter," he lamented. "It's a celebate order." "Oh. Um, ouch." "Yeah," he sighed. "So how 'bout you? What's with the pink? And the furball?" Benimaru sighed. "I'm..." "Yes?" "...the chosen prophet...of...of..." "Yes?" "Aaah! I can't bring myself to say it! It's too terrible!" "Oh, come on," said Sie. "How bad could it be?" "Bad." "Come on," Sie said coaxingly. "You can tell me. One prophet to another." Beni checked carefully to see that no one was watching, then beckoned Sie closer. He put his mouth right up to Sie's ear and whispered, very softly, "...Dan Hibiki." "Dan Hibiki!?" Sie shouted, recoiling in horror. The other bar patrons all turned to stare at them. "Shhh!" Beni hissed frantically. "Mother of pearl, *Dan Hibiki*? Monkey crap on a stick, man, what did you do to deserve that?" "I don't know!" Benimaru wailed. "And keep it down! Anyway, now they tell me I have to marry that *thing*." "You have to marry a chu-chu?!" Sie bellowed. "Christ, knock it off!" Sie belched heartily. "Well, I'm sure Athena would grant you asylum if you asked." Beni shook his head. "Bad idea. These people aren't much for comparative religion." "Well, in that case," said Sie, "there's only one thing you can do." "What's that?" Sie intercepted a huge, fruity, tropical drink decked out with paper umbrellas, maraschino cherries on a plastic sword, and a live parakeet as it was en route from the bartender to an understandably annoyed bar patron. Sie whacked him on the head with his crook, then pressed the drink into Benimaru's hands. "Simple," he said. "Get falling-down drunk and bitch to whoever'll listen. Works for me!" [---] Author's Notes: You know, Yun and Yang put me in mind of nothing so much as the two hyper-polite gophers from the Warner Brothers cartoons. I always liked those. ... Nope, I'm afraid the well's dry. I got nothing else to say. Anyhoo, thanks to Gavok for some last-minute prereading and pointing out that I forgot to put my name on the chapter.