_Cairo, Egypt_ The mansion of the evil vampire known as Dio Brando was dark. It was as dark as a... you know what? They did this bit in the last chapter. Anyway, the sinister villain paced around in the darkness, his face concealed in shadow. Something was heavily on his mind, but his thoughts were not devoted to Joseph Joestar, his grandson and their friends. His thoughts were not devoted to Jonathan Joestar, whose body Dio had stolen, either. And his thoughts were not devoted to the irony that of all the Jojo characters, he was the only one to regularly change clothes even though he never left the house. In fact, his thoughts could be summed up in one word. "Bored." Dio stopped his pacing and sat into his La-Z Boy Chair. He crossed his arms and sighed. "Bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored! I'm so fucking bored!" During this time, a Japanese man with a purple three-piece suit walked into Dio's quarters. The man didn't say anything, but seemed to have a permanent scowl on his face whenever he looked at someone. He nodded at Dio and wandered around the shadowy room. Dio ignored him. "Dammit! I can't stand being cooped up here! Sure, I *could* leave the mansion, but then the stupid, fucking sun will make me explode. When will those asshole descendants of Jonathan get here?!" Kazuya Mishima walked over and smacked Dio across the side of the head. "Huh," Dio said, obliviously. "A piece of the ceiling must have landed on me." [---] Fei Long took a sip from his coffee and instantly spit it into the face of his assistant. "This coffee tastes like piss! Did you piss in my coffee?!" "No, sir. I assure you that I have done no such thing. *cough*today*cough*" "You should have a doctor look at that." "Yes, sir." "And take off those stupid sunglasses. You look like an idiot." "Yes, sir." The assistant obliged and removed his shades. Fei Long squinted his eyes. "Do I know you?" he asked. "I work for you, sir. This is my second week." "I know that, dumbass. I mean before that. You look familiar." "I get that a lot," the man said. "People always think I'm Clark Steel." "Hmm... What did you say your name was, again?" "Rage, sir. Ronald Rage. You can call me Ronny" "Ronny Rage? Eh, never mind. Just get me a donut and some coffee that doesn't taste like urine in a hurry or you're fired. Got me?" "Yes, sir." The assistant scurried away while Fei Long relaxed in his folding chair with "FEI LONG: STAR" written on it. He laid back and read from his People magazine while Spinal and Felicia were filming a scene on the other side of the set. Yes indeed, with such an all-star cast, "Nifty Dragon" would certainly make more money than that one about the stupid boat sinking. Or at least more money than Ghost Dad. [---] The assistant waited for the coffee to heat up. In the meantime he was muttering to himself about how much he hated working for Fei Long. "Stupid, friggin' Bruce Lee wannabe telling me what to do. I knew Bruce Lee. He's no Bruce Lee. He's not even Sammo Hung. And he's no goddamn Johnny Cage either. Because there's only one Johnny Cage." He placed his arms onto the counter, buried his head and began to weep. "And Johnny Cage is just a washed up actor who's reduced himself to making coffee and running errands!" We wiped the tears from his eyes and noticed the stack of papers arranged near the coffee machine. "Huh," he said aloud. "Someone left the script to the movie lying around." He flipped through the pages and widened his eyes. "What in the name of Steven Segal is this bullshit?!" Johnny Cage looked over the draft to see that it was really just a copy of his failed screenplay "Ninjas Aplenty", but with the title and his name scribbled out and replaced with "Nifty Dragon" and "Fei Long". Angrily he tossed the papers to the ground and put his sunglasses back on. "That does it! I'm through taking shit! This time Johnny Cage is fighting back!" He paused and rubbed his chin. "But how?" A strange, small man with a shirt reading "PLOT DEVICE" tiptoed over with a newspaper in hand. "Oh wait, I know!" Cage exclaimed. The small man sulked and walked away. But then Johnny paused and said, "Wait, no I don't. Huh." Johnny got smacked in the face by a newspaper. "Ow! The hell is wrong with you?! These are five dollar sunglasses, asshole!" Johnny was prepared to catch up to the strange man and punch him in the nuts, but he noticed the advertisement section of the newspaper. "Heh heh heh. Oh, Fei Long. I hope you're enjoying your stay on the top. Because I'm going to be giving you a dose of my own Violence. Unlimited. Yes." *ding* "Oh, the coffee's ready." Johnny looked down at his crotch. "Guess I better take the donut off the rack." He placed the donut onto a plate and zipped up his pants. [---] Forgot About Jae CHAPTER FIVE: Straight to Video Hijinx Story found in a dumpster by Shelby Scott a.k.a. Darkheart One Chapter typed slowly so you can understand it by Gavin "Gavok" Jasper The events in this story are based loosely on the life of Michael Rappaport and this is not an RECBT clone. Now get your elbows off the table. [---] Last time on Forgot About Jae: Author Black Dub discovered the secret to cold fusion. He was then labeled a witch by some bastards from Salem and was burned to a crisp. Oh, and he wrote some stuff about Jin Saotome and the cast of Metal Slug. I think Fuuma said something silly, but I'm not sure. I was too busy playing Mike Tyson's Punch Out. [---] Cracker Jack leaned back in his chair with his hands behind his head. Across the desk stood his most incompetent employee, who seemed about due for some act of idiocy. "What do you want, Fuuma?" "Hello, boss!" piped the enthusiastic ninja. "You know how you said that I'm not allowed to hire people?" "Yes?" "That only means from Wednesday to Sunday, right?" CJ, realizing that it was Tuesday, growled. "No, Fuuma. I mean every day." "Oh. Heh." Fuuma smiled and turned away. "I'm going to go play Legos, now." "Red light." Fuuma froze in mid-step. "Fuuma, did you by any chance happen to hire someone without my permission?" "If I say 'yes' you'll be angry." "How is that different from the norm?" "Oh, good point! Yeah, I did." CJ took a deep breath and leaned forward. "And who did you happen to hire?" "Some guy." "Does this guy have a name?" "His name is Joe something." The boss paused. "Joe? You got us Joe Higashi?" "I... I guess." "You, a moron who can't go five minutes without making a total ass out of himself, have convinced multiple Muay Thai kickboxing champion Joe Higashi to join our crew?" Fuuma put his hands over his face. "Don't hurt me!" "Fuuma, you actually did a good thing for once. You got us one of the world's greatest martial artists and the leader of one of the highest ranking King of Fighters teams in history." Fuuma dropped his hands and smiled. "Really? Sweetness!" He stuck his head out the door and called over the newest employee. "Hey, Joe! He says it's all right!" CJ crossed his arms and smiled. That smile died down once the new worker entered the room. This man wasn't a Japanese man with shorts on like CJ hoped. But rather, he was a white guy with red hair and red pants. Other than that, there was nothing really distinguishing about the man. "Who the fuck are you?" CJ asked. "I'm Joe." "Joe who?" "I don't really have a last name. People just call me Joe. Don't you remember me? I was in Street Fighter." With a frowning under-bite, CJ turned his head to Fuuma. "Fuuma, what the hell is this?" "He has red hair like me! Isn't that rad?" Through clenched teeth, CJ just said, "Leave." "Oh, come on, CJ! He's a good guy! I mean, after all these years he's only had one loss and that was to *Ryu* of all people!" CJ mellowed down and rubbed his chin. "Is that true, Joe?" "Y-yes, sir." "And how many wins have you had?" "None, really. That was my first and only fight. I really spent the last couple decades as a high school geography teacher." "...................Sharon?" "Yes?" asked a voice from under the desk. "Get me my bat. Fuuma, you're excused but we'll discuss this later. Joe, turn around until I get my pants back on." Two minutes later... An out of breath Cracker Jack finally dropped his bat. Despite the fact that Joe didn't wear a shirt, he was still covered from head to toe with red one way or the other. "Sharon, I want you to wash your hands and then find a safe place to rid ourselves of our dear, departed Joe." "Uh, sure." Sharon carefully grabbed Joe's corpse by the heel and dragged him out of the room. "Ick." As the red-haired (lot of them in this fic) woman left the room, Poison walked in with a clipboard. "What do you got for us, Poison?" the boss asked. "Got a call from that washed-up actor Johnny Cage. He wants us to sabotage the new Fei Long movie, 'Nifty Dragon' that's conveniently filming on the other side of South Town." "Heh. How much is he offering to pay?" Poison handed CJ the clipboard and he whistled upon reading. "How do you think he could afford that? I haven't heard of him being in a movie since Problem Child 5." Poison shrugged. "He said he's been saving up his Hollywood Squares paychecks. Weird thing, though. He kept insisting that we're called 'Violence Unlimited'." "What's wrong with that?" "We're Violence Limited. Not Unlimited." "I thought we were Unlimited." "No," Poison reiterated. "I'm very certain that we're Violence Limited." "But you called it Unlimited the other day. Remember? When we were involved with that wrestling job? You said it was Unlimited, then I said it was Unlimited, and so on." "If I did, it was a mistake. Anyway-" "Well I like it." "What?" "That's right," CJ said. "Unlimited sounds better than Limited. It makes us sound more powerful. So from now on, we're Violence Unlimited. Understand?" Poison just shook hir head. "I really don't give a fuck." "Good. Now let's get the others." From outside the office, the two heard a strained, "HRGHLFFFLLLRRR!" CJ left the room in wonder. "Hugo, are you all right?" He noticed four people in fatigues accompanied by a punching bag with a face and red headband barely holding Hugo down against his will. "What the hell is going on here?" Marco nodded to CJ. "Like, hey man! We were just about to unmask this monster and see who he *really* is!" "HHRRRRLLFFFRRR!" Hugo protested while Fio yanked on his chin. "Jinkies! His mask won't come off." "Get your hands off my muscle, dammit!" CJ shouted. "Not you, Shar... shit, she left, didn't she. Damn, that would've been clever. At any rate, that's not a mask. That's Hugo and he's a human being. Somewhat." "Ruh roh!" the punching bag offered while hopping back. The four military individuals frugally let go while Hugo growled. "Sorry, CJ," Fio said. "I tried to tell them that he wasn't a monster, but you have to admit: he does look like one of those Muppets. You know, the really big ones that were guys in costumes." "Yeah, I'll give you that. So how did the space mission go?" "Great!" Tarma said. "Turns out the leader of the race of man-eating octopi was actually crazy General Morden trying to scare us away from the old mill!" Under the brim of his hat, CJ kept the same serious expression. "Yeah. Well, as much as we'd love to join you in your operation to destroy OOSHA, we've been hired by Johnny Cage to go smash up a movie. So you're out on your own." The bottom drawer of a file cabinet opened up and Fuuma popped out, flipped in the air, and landed on his feet. One beat later, he fell to the floor. "Did you say Johnny Cage?" he asked with a smile on his face. "Yeah," CJ said without looking at him. "Wow! I *love* Johnny Cage! I've seen all of his movies!" "Really," Poison indifferently said while filing hir nails. "Yeah! It's so cool, too! When you see his movies you get the theater all to yourself. And nobody yells at you for talking because you're the only one there! I bought 'Kung Fu Camp Counselor 3' on DVD, but it's just not the same." "You don't own a DVD player, Fuuma," the irritated Cracker Jack said. "I rest my case!" CJ pretended that Fuuma's part of the conversation never happened. "Okay. I'll go warm up the car. You guys go find the new guy- the one I didn't just kill- and meet me there. Metal Slug, you guys go kick some OOSHA ass." "AH!" Fuuma shrieked in fear. He tore a small leaf off a plant and tried his hardest to hide himself with it. "What the Frank is that thing?" He pointed at the punching bag. "Oh," Eri told him. "That's our special friend Bonus Kun. He tags along with us and helps us solve groovy mysteries and annihilate dictator warlords out for world domination!" The bag just bounced up and down. "Reeheeheeheeheehee!" [---] Leader of the mutant rebellion, Magneto, lazily watched the television while eating from a bag of Cheetos. He noticed the orange dust covering his fingertips and cracked a half-smile. "Ah, the ability to control metal objects makes me the most powerful mutant around. But Cheetos, you sure are my weakness." The four Acolytes barged into the room, tripping over each other. "My liege," the Third Acolyte said out of breath, "do you wish for us to assassinate Chester Cheetah?" "What? No! Friggin' idiots." "Sire," the Second Acolyte stepped forward. "When will we take our step in destroying the humans and making Earth safe for mutantkind?" "Huh? Oh, right. The cleansing of the weak thing. Sure. It's on my to-do list. Now leave me alone. I'm watching cartoons." Suddenly, one of the doors burst open and a large, twisting object flew out at Magneto's men. The mutants regrouped to see two figures in front of them. One was a fairly large man wearing football equipment, a dark blue cowl, cape and some light blue tights struggling to hold back his gut. Next to him was a little boy dressed in red and green with a green eye mask over his face and a really stupid looking hat on his head. "Who are you?" the First Acolyte asked in fear. "I'm Battler Man. I'm here to put a stop to your evil mutant ways." "Oh, just because we're mutants, we're evil?" one of the Acolytes said. I can't remember which one. "Oh, come on. You know what I meant," the superhero retorted. "But now me and my sidekick, the Bao Wonder, will teach you what us regular humans are capable of. Right, Bao Wonder?" "Holy superpowers, Battler Man! I'm not a regular human neither. I have Dragon Spirit powers, or something." "You're not really helping, old chum. So where was I?" The masked football player put up his fists. "Right. The fighting." The First Acolyte ran up at Battler Man and got a right hook to the cheek. *POW!* Bao Wonder pounced upon the Fourth Acolyte and head butted him in the face. *CRUNCH!* Battler Man blocked a laser blast from the Second Acolyte and knocked him into the wall with a shoulder rush. *TOASTY!* The two heroes, linked together by their obsession with fighting crime and the fact that they're the two most hated individuals in King of Fighters history, cleaned house upon the henchmen. *DOINK!* *ESTRADA!* *SCHUGERG!* *ASPHYNCTERSAYSWHAT!* The chunky hero held his cape over his face and looked at Magneto, who was still lying on his bed, eating junk food and watching the Cartoon Network. "Oh, Samurai Jack. You'll make it back to the past one day." Battler Man waved at him to see if he was paying attention. "Hey, uh, Magneto. You promise not to be evil again?" "Huh? Sure. I guess." "That's all I need to hear. Come on, Bao Wonder. To the Battler Cave." "But, Battler Man, shouldn't we arrest him?" "What? No. You need a warrant for that, I think." "But he-" "And it'll take too long. I planned on going to the track tonight." "But-" "Listen, old chum. Do you *want* me to lock you up in the closet again? Well? Do you?" Bao shivered. "N-no, sir." "Good. And don't forget to close the door on the way out. You weren't raised in a barn." "But you broke the door." "Point taken." Magneto watched the Detested Duo leave, with four unconscious mutants in their wake. He just munched on another cheese doodle and watched the TV. "I wonder what all the other recluse villains are up to." [---] "Master Dio," a gray-haired, Fabio-looking vampire who was scantily clad from the waste down said as he bowed before his leader. "What it is, Vanilla Ice?" "There is a man in your room spray painting 'Heihachi Sucks' on your wall. Why do you not take action?" Dio stretched up and looked behind himself. He stared directly at Kazuya defacing his wall. He turned back to sitting in his chair and would have glared at Ice, if it weren't for the shadow covering his face. "What the hell are you talking about? There's no man over there." "But what about the graffiti?" "That came with the mansion." Dio peered to the doorway. "Silence. Someone's coming." A druid of some sort slowly entered the room to the tune of eerie organ music. Dio cautiously looked at the individual while Vanilla Ice covered himself with his Stand named after the tarot card of Cream. "Enya?" Dio questioned. "Is that you?" The druid removed his hood to show needle-like teeth and a red pompadour. "It's me, Brando!" Vince AkumacMahon shouted. "It was me all along! You all bought it! You all bought it hook, line and sinker! Even my family! Even my non-existent family bought-" Dio yawned and snapped his fingers. "The World." Vince AkumacMahon stopped in mid-sentence. Frozen along with time, the demon billionaire couldn't defend from the wrath of Dio Brando's Stand. The World, a large, white robot dashed at AkumacMahon and pounded a hole through his chest with a single blow. After a brief moment, time resumed and the soon-to-be-dead demon soared down the hallway. "I do not understand, Master Dio," Vanilla Ice commented. "Why did you kill that intruder but not the one who is breaking your favorite vase?" "One, there is no man over there. Two, an earthquake caused that vase to break. Three, I killed that man because he is nothing but a rehash of a running gag from a different- though similar in ways- improvised fan fiction that shall remain nameless." Dio walked to his bookcase and pulled out a random book. "I cannot accept such lack of originality. Do you agree with me, Ice?" "Yes, my master." [---] Gill, dressed in a business suit, pointed to a large graph. In front of him was the Illuminati treasury department. "So you see, I really must insist that we use more of the budget on securing fire-proof clothing other than white thongs. Seriously, I'm trying to be a *threatening* villain. Nobody can take me seriously when I look like such a goof." All of a sudden, an Illuminati employee's body flew through the door. The man who did the tossing made his presence known. He pointed at Gill, narrowed his eyes and clenched his teeth. "Alex, what is this time?" "Gill. I have a hangnail. Your fault." [---] Dio kept reading from his book and tried to disregard the previous scene. "Was that truly necessary?" Kazuya wandered over to the face-less vampire and gave him a massive wedgie. "Oh..." Dio said with a slightly higher voice. "Must be the house settling." "Master Dio, I do not understand. Do you wish for me to prove my loyalty and destroy this man?" Dio's voice went back to being deep as he covered his face and pointed at his servant. "Vanilla Ice, I am sick and tired of hearing about this imaginary friend of yours! If you don't shut up about him I'll spin your head off so fast it'll collect its own atmosphere! With gravity." "Huh?" "Shut up." [---] "Hey, Hugo. What's an eleven letter word for 'man who extinguishes fire and saves cats from tree'?" "Rrrggglffrr." "Hmm... no. It clashes with 5 across. The second letter is supposed to be an E." "Rerggglffrr." "Boy George, I think he's got it!" "You two keep it down back there!" Cracker Jack yelled from behind the wheel of the Violencemobile. In the passenger seat, Poison quietly read from hir new issue of Androgyny Monthly with Testament on the cover. In the back seat, Fuuma and Hugo worked on the spirited ninja's crossword puzzle. In the middle part of the car, Jae was giving his Nameless Everpresent Girlfriend a foot massage. "This is nice, honey, but when it's my turn can I massage a different place?" "Heh. I don't see why not. Should I take my shirt off or do you want to do it for me?" NEG giggled. "What makes you think I mean above the waist?" "Oh ho." Jae gave a sly grin. "Ahem," CJ spoke. "What did I tell you two?" They both rolled their eyes and sighed. "No groping in the room unless Cracker Jack is one of the people getting groped." "Exactly." Jae put his right arm around NEG and relaxed. "So this movie we're stopping. Is it evil?" CJ was paying more attention to the road. "Um, sure." "What makes it so evil?" "Oh, I don't know. There's this woman there who's half-cat/half-human." "And?" "She's a nudist. That evil enough?" "Not really. I mean, nudity is natural and if she wishes to express herself in such a way, I don't feel it's my duty to interfere." CJ cut off a school bus and continued. "If you say so. There's also a talking skeleton there." Jae and NEG gasped. "A... talking skeleton? How can he *not* be evil?" "He also has red, glowing eyes." Jae paused. "My. God." "So kid," CJ began to ask. "What's the deal with you and justice? For you, everything is 'justice this and justice that'." Jae looked out the window and up at the clouds. "I got it from my father. He was a brave and honest man. When he was mercilessly killed... I felt it was my duty to follow in his footsteps." "Huh. You sure your dad's dead or..." "He's dead." "Maybe he was knocked unconscious and-" "No, we checked. He's dead." "Maybe he'll make a surprise comeback in the future and-" "Nope. He's dead. 100% dead." "Well perhaps he'll be cloned and-" "No he won't." CJ shrugged. "Okay, then. Any brothers or sisters?" "I have a brother. But he started on his own path after my father's death. A path to laziness and lack of focus." [---] In a strange jungle setting, Kim Dong Hwan put his backpack over his shoulder and waved goodbye to his master. Choi Bounge, hatless and wearing a brown robe, pleaded for him to stay. "Go you must not. Training needed for you, yes. Mmmm?" "Listen, Uncle Choi. I really appreciate what you're trying to do for me, but I can do fine without all this stupid training. I mean, isn't this really what you and Uncle Chang would've wanted?" "Envy you I do not. Quitter you are." "Feh, whatever. I'm outta heeeeeeeeeeere." Dong Hwan walked off into the distance. Meanwhile, the blue, glowing spirit of Kim Kaphwan appeared behind Choi. He looked as his eldest son left and shook his head in frustration. "That boy is our only hope," the father said. Choi paused. "No. There is another." Kim lifted his eyebrow. "What do you mean there's another? You mean anoth- oh, right! My *other* son!" Kim started laughing to himself. "Heh. Imagine that. Forgot about Jae." "Hey, guys!" the blue, glowing spirit of Chang Koehan said, joining the others. Choi removed his sunglasses. "Chang! Dead you are, mmm?!" "What? No! No, it's just an out-of-body experience. I'm having another heart attack right now. So how're things?" A third blue, glowing spirit appeared from behind a tree with his hands behind his back. "Jhun!" Kim exclaimed. "Let me guess: 'car trouble'?" Jhun pulled out two six-packs of beer and shouted, "WHAZZAAAAAP!?" [---] "Oh, I don't know, kid," CJ explained. "Maybe one day this brother of yours will show his true colors and help you out when you least expect it." NEG rolled her eyes. "You don't know this guy. He's a worthless, brain-dead slob. If I saw him do something competent for once, I'd be very surprised." "I've seen a lot of things more surprising than that. Like when I found out M. Bison is Jewish." Poison put down hir magazine. "He is?" [---] M. Bison floated before his skilled, but less than brilliant, flunky Balrog. The dictator's arms were crossed as he gave an abnormally wide smile. "Ah, Balrog. For you, the day Santa Claus graced your household and placed those gloves under your tree was the most important day of your life. But for me..." He removed his cap to reveal a yarmulke on his head. "...it was Tuesday." [---] "We're making good time," CJ said as he knocked a jeep off the road. "We'll be at the studio in a couple minutes." Fuuma pointed out the window. "Hey, there's a big pirate ship riding around the paved road! Look!" Not wasting the energy to look, CJ said, "Fuuma, shut the fuck up. There are no goddamn pirates in this timeframe. Unless you're talking about the... Nah. It couldn't be." Despite his suspicions, CJ drove the Violencemobile to King Hippo Studios so that they could fulfill their mission. [---] Meanwhile, the pirate ship Fuuma acknowledged was tearing through South Town's streets. It made its way to Tizoc Park, where hundreds of pedestrians ran in fear. The ship known as "The Adrian" crashed into a fountain featuring a stone statue of Tizoc spitting water and ceased its movement. "Yar har har!" Cervantes de Leon cackled as he waved his trusty swords, Acheron and Nirvana. "How close be we to the treasure?" First Mate Ruby Heart read a map with her one good eye. "The map says it should be under the stone tile five steps from the largest tree." The two pirates climbed down from the Adrian and searched for the tablet. An angry JP Polnareff got in Cervantes' face. "Excuse me," he said. "You just ran over my bicycle! What are you going to do about that?" "This, matey!" The middle-aged man shoved his two blades into JP's chest, cracked his knuckles, then pulled the swords back out by slicing outward. "Ar, tis the tree over thar!" He looked up at the ship and shouted at the beautiful young woman peering downward. "Jenet! Get yer worthless crew down here and bring some shovels, will ya!" "Aye, Captain!" she shouted. Twenty minutes of Bonne Jenet's Lillian Knights digging had past and they finally pulled out a treasure chest. Cervantes sliced off the lock with the Acheron. He motioned for everyone to move back and he opened the chest slowly and delicately. He peered in and beamed. "Yar har har! Tis be a good day for us, it be." "What is it, Captain?" Ruby asked. "Gold?" "Better." "Emeralds?" Jenet asked. "Better." "Hold on," Ruby uttered. "Are you saying that treasure chest is filled with..." "You be right, Ruby! A whole stack of Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring DVDs!" Cervantes, Ruby Heart, Bonne Jenet and the Lillian Knights all raised their hands in the air in celebration and shouted a hearty, "YO HO!" See, these weren't your daddy's pirates. These were pirates of a different kind. Instead of pillaging, this team was dreaded for plagiarizing. They were the Bootleg Buccaneers! [---] "Wake up, Chosen One! Wake up!" Benimaru slowly sat up in his bed, groggy and with his hair all over the place. "Huh? What do you want? I'm taking a nap." "But Chosen One," Bub shouted. "There are a group of pagans outside with tanks and other assortments of pagan weapons!" "Yeah," Bob added. "We're under attack!" Benimaru just fell back into the bed. "Wake me up when something important happens." Just then, the other side of the room exploded, leaving a huge hole to the outside. This immediately woke Benimaru up and caused his hair to stand straight up. "WHAT THE HELL!?" Bub hugged Bob and looked to Benimaru. "Like we said, we're under attack!" "Okay, let me just brush my teeth. I'll meet you guys outside." "Doushita!" the dinos yelled. They nodded their heads and took off. "Yeah, sure." Benimaru slowly walked to the giant hole in the wall, looked at the warring outside and shook his head. "Why me?" Outside, the forces of Metal Slug and OOSHA fought tooth and nail. Fio drove the Metal Slug itself, a jalopy of a tank with the ability to jump. Tarma was on top the Camel Slug, which was just a camel with guns stuck onto it. Eri commanded the newly created Alley Cat Slug, which was a four-legged vehicle that vaguely looked like a giant cat, especially with its cannon-tail. Marco and Bonus Kun had yet to appear. *BOOM!* "Strength-Chan, no!" Karnov shouted with his thick, Russian accent. He caught the kid out of the air, after a Metal Slug-caused explosion had knocked Strength-Chan back. "Speak to me, my young, pasty friend!" "I'M HURT BUT I'LL BE OKAY! KEEP FIGHTING, KARNOV! YAHOOIE!" Then, like the snap of a finger, Strength-Chan passed out in Karnov's arms. The overweight circus performer tossed the kid over his shoulder and stood up. "Take this, vile, non-taunting tank! Patooie! Patooie!" Karnov spat out several fireballs that slowed the Metal Slug down. The ground behind the tank erupted with Dig Dug popping out of it. She attached her trusty pump to the back of the Metal Slug and pumped in enough pressure to blow it up and send Fio flying to the pavement. Upon landing, she realized a horrible turn of events. "My glasses! I lost my glasses!" She blindly crawled around with her hand out, repeating, "I can't see without my glasses!" Unfortunately for her, she wandered in front of Tarma and the Camel Slug. Tarma made sure not to run his ally over, but was too distracted to notice Karnov's boomerang which ended up beaning him in the head. The military man fell like a rock off of his armed camel. Elsewhere, Eri and her Alley Cat Slug were having problems of her own. She was fighting a being that seemed to be Akuma, only he wore a metal mask over his face and a long, torn up trench coat with a red, glowing "Q" on his back. "....................(I have returned from Park World and now I am A-Q-MA!)" The demon stomped his foot into the ground and held his fists up with a grunt. It happened to be the third time he had done so in the fight, which spelled trouble for Eri. Or so she noticed when A-Q-ma took a shot from the cannon-tail and didn't even flinch. Instead, he rushed at the Alley Cat Slug and recycled it like an empty can with a series of powerful right punches. Eri fell out of the machine and anticipated the pain that would await her. A-Q-ma floated at her with intent to make her feel a million death in an instant (for a guy who hardly ever talks, Akuma sure comes up with some badass one-liners). After traveling for a foot, he stopped. Eri took notice and ran off to save her skin. "....................(Stupid heavy body.)" [---] Dio Brando shook his head and groaned. "'A-Q-ma'? For the love of..." "Master, that man has transformed into some sort of purple demon! And he's urinating into your fishbowl!" "Ice?" "Yes, master?" "Shut up." "Yes, master." [---] "I think that is all of them," Karnov said, as the three beaten members of Metal Slug grouped together. "That's what you think!" Fio, who had found her glasses, shouted. "Take a gander over there!" All the members of OOSHA peered over to see a large mech (another one?!) coming their way. It was the Ultraman Slug, controlled by Marco and Bonus Kun. Well, mostly Marco since he had limbs. "Bub, the Saikyo Clearance Device!" "Good idea, Bob!" The two pint-sized dinosaurs produced their harpoon gun and carefully aimed it at Ultraman Slug's chest. "FIRE!" they piped in unison. They shot a pink ball at Ultraman Slug's chest, which forced the robot back. After a second, it continued to advance. "FIRE!" A second shot, also pink, hit the same mark. Both shots seemed glued to the Slug's chest. "FIRE!" The third shot hit the other two balls and did nothing but cause them to disappear. "Well that won't do," Bub said. "I do not get it," Karnov declared while flexing so he could taunt while strategizing. "Why do we not send the Honorable Blasting Pink Wind of Saikyo-ryu?" Dig Dug coughed. "Sorry, hon. Jin left ten minutes ago to go pick the Blodia up from the shop. He won't be back until at least *hack*cough* a half hour." "Well, just great," the Russian said sarcastically. Benimaru walked between the Ultraman Slug and those who called him the Chosen One. "Listen, this has gone too far! There is no reason that we can't just talk this out!" Tarma was too high up to hear the man with the tall hair, so he did what came natural. He blasted him with a direct hit from an enormous missile, which normally would have reduced Benimaru to ashes. But thanks to Hibiki's curse, he only stood there, covered with soot and reeking of smoke. He coughed a smoke cloud and twitched. "Why you motherfucker!" The fighter snapped and rushed the Ultraman Slug. He dug his hands into its right leg and cocked his head back. Storm clouds began to gather and several lighting bolts began to zap the mech. "He does not have enough power to take it down alone," Karnov commented. "Perhaps we should help him!" Dig Dug shrugged. "Nah. Let's just taunt." "Good idea!" Just then, a lightning bolt, unrelated to Benimaru's attack, struck nearby. It lingered and slowly expanded into a column of pink light. The light died down and a lone figure stood. "Oh my Dan! Bub, look!" "Bob, is that who I think it is?!" "Yes. I think so!" A-Q-ma looked at the figure in the distance and turned to the dinos. "....................(Who is that?)" "The First Apostle of Hibiki!" they both piped. A-Q-ma looked back at the newcomer and finally recognized him. "....................(Oh. Him.)" Blanka, clad in a long, pink robe, pounded his chest, roared and rolled towards the robot threat. The green-skinned ball smashed into Ultraman Slug's left leg and began to surge with electricity. The robot began to spasm. Inside the mech, Marco and Bonus Kun didn't know what to do. "Like, oh no, man! Their shorting out the system!" Marco's voice continued to get higher, cracking every so often. "We're in Doomsville!" The lights inside the cockpit went out, showing that the Ultraman Slug had ceased to work. Like a massive tree that had just been sawed, the Slug slowly fell forward. "Zoinks!" Marco shouted. "Reah! Roinks!" Bonus Kun sort of repeated. The bot hit the ground and caused the two pilots to pop out and land near their buddies. Upon standing, Bonus Kun hopped into Marco's arms in fear. The Benimaru twisted his body and pointed at the defeated Metal Slug team, asking them a simple question, "Do you understand?" Blanka back flipped a couple times and hollered, "Woooow! Uwooo! (Take that, pagan scum!)" "What the hell are you?" Beni had to ask. Bub rushed over and explained. "Rolling Pink Thunder of Saikyo-Ryu, meet the Rolling Pink Lightning of Saikyo-Ryu!" Benimaru just shook his head. "Of course." He looked to the beaten Metal Slug team. "What are you going to do to them?" "Oh, we're going to kill the pagans!" Bub cheerfully said to him. "*Kill* them!?" "Well, yeah!" Bob said, finally catching up. "But I thought you guys aren't allowed to kill. Isn't that against your religion?" There was a long, uncomfortable silence. Bub and Bob looked up at Blanka and told him, "Sorry. He's new." "Listen," Benimaru said. "Your commandment says that you should taunt instead of kill. Do you know who sent these guys?" Bob scratched his head. "I think these guys are friends of Violence Limited." "No, Bob," Bub informed. "They're Violence Unlimited now." "Oh." Benimaru stayed away from the tangent. "So why don't you guys just keep these guys as prisoners of war and *taunt* Violence Unlimited with that information?" "Uwooo! Woow! Uuuh! (He's good.)" [---] "Sorry, sir. You're not allowed to enter King Hippo Studios." CJ glared at the security guard. "Of course we can. We're the cast for the new A-Team movie." Fuuma perked up. "Can I be Face, th- ack!" Poison chopped him in the neck. The security guard looked over everyone until noticing Hugo. "Um, I take it that man is playing Baracus?" "Yeah, have a problem with that?" "Well wasn't Baracus-" CJ grabbed him by the collar and held him in the air. "You racist bastard! Don't you *dare*!" The guard put his hands up. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry for the inconvenience! You can enter!" After dropping the man, CJ and his team walked through the doors. CJ chomped on a cigar, smiled and said, "I love it when a plan comes together." [---] "Why couldn't he have just asked Hugo to do this job?" Sharon asked to no one in particular. She had spent the afternoon dragging the dead body of Joe through South Town, trying her best to be inconspicuous. At last, she found a bridge over a river to toss the body off of. And so far, there were no signs of any cops... "Excuse me, Miss." ...until Kevin Ryan showed up. "Uh, yes officer?" Sharon nervously responded while trying to stand in front of the corpse. "What is that thing behind you? Is that- dear God, is that a dead body!?" "I... uh... it was here before I got here?" "Holy crap, that's Joe from Street Fighter, isn't it?!" "Well... uh..." Sharon slowly reached for AK-Chan. This officer may have discovered the crime, but he wouldn't be alive long enough to tell anyone. "Hello, my name is Marky!" another voice supplied. "Mr. Ryan is my friend!" Just great. Shooting a police officer in broad daylight in the middle of a bridge was bad enough. But now a kid was there? Sharon wasn't *that* black-hearted. Kevin Ryan, meanwhile, glanced at the corpse while looking at a piece of paper. "Are you... are you writing me a ticket?" "Huh? No. I'm just- ah, here it is! 'Dead body of a guy named Joe'." Kevin checked off the line on his paper. "Thanks for your time, Miss." "Huh?" The cop and the boy walked away, looking at the paper. "Yep, Marky. We'll have this scavenger hunt done in no time." "Yay!" Sharon let out a huge sigh of relief. She picked up Joe's body and heaved it over the railing and off the bridge. A second later, she heard the splash indicating that her assignment was finished. She took one step and accidentally slipped on a rock, which caused her to flip back and fall over the railing. Kevin and Marky paused when they heard the scream behind them, shortly followed with a splash. "Did you hear that?" Marky questioned. "Yeah. Hm... ah, there it is. 'Screaming redhead'." Kevin marked it off and the two left to continue their scavenger hunt. [---] "So you, the great Fei Long think you can defeat me?! Ha! By my scimitar, I shall see you dead, NIFTY DRAGON!" "And cut!" Spinal dropped his scimitar and shield. "How was that, KH?" King Hippo, who sat upon a high director's chair yelled back through his megaphone. "We're going to have to do a couple takes from the back! We'll break first." Spinal sat down in his labeled chair, next to Felicia's. "You know, Felicia, being killed while defending my gargoyle leader, then being resurrected years later by him only to be killed again, then being resurrected once more by an evil corporation was the best thing to ever happen to me." There was no response. "Felicia? ...Felicia?" Spinal poked her with his fleshless finger only to find... "What the fuck? She's made of plastic!" Fei Long rolled his eyes. "So is every other woman in the biz, Skeletor." "No, look! This isn't Felicia, it's a mannequin covered with spray-on hair! III!" [---] "Bastard." [---] "What's that?" Director King Hippo asked. "Felicia's been kidnapped?!" "Well, yeah. I mean, I know I don't have a voice box or lips, but I'm pretty sure I said that pretty clearly." "My God. This is bad news!" Fei Long cleared his throat and raised his hand. "This doesn't mean the movie's cancelled, right?" "Luckily, no. It's a good thing we've already finished filming her scenes. This could've been the biggest disaster since the Bogard/Shiranui wedding." [---] "...in sickness and in health, until death do you part?" Mai Shiranui smiled and nodded. "I do." "And do you, Andy Bogard, take this woman..." Andy punched Mai off the hill. "OH NO!" he hollered. Then Terry punched Andy off the hill. "OH NO!" Rock Howard lifted his fist and giggled. "Heh. Oh no!" "Don't." [---] Poison ran back into the storage room where the rest of Violence Unlimited were. "Bad news, guys." Hugo, who held Felicia by the tail with his arm extended so her slashes couldn't reach him, inquired, "Hhrr?" "They finished filming catgirl's scenes. So we have to kill the kitty and take out the star." CJ scratched his chin. "Okay. Hugo, drop the catgirl and give her to Fuuma. Fuuma, you watch her while we're gone. Everyone else, let's go." CJ, Poison, Hugo, Jae and NEG left the room, where Fuuma was alone, holding a pissed off Felicia in his arms. "You're a cute little voluptuous kitty, aren't you? Aren't you?" Meanwhile, outside of the room... "So where is this Fei Long guy filming?" CJ asked his sexually ambiguous employee. "Over there, I think." "Oh, yeah. I see him. Right on top of that ladder." NEG looked at the door and then to CJ. "Do you hear anything?" "What? I can't hear you." "I asked if you hear anything!" "Speak up! I can't hear you!" "What!?" "SORRY! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THE SCRATCHING, SCREAMING AND CAT-LIKE SQUEALING NOISES COMING FROM THE STORAGE ROOM ARE TOO LOUD!" "WHAT?!" Felicia jumped out of the room, bounced off Hugo's head and screamed, "Security! Help!" CJ, bemused, looked into the room to see Fuuma lying on his back with scratches all over his body. "Fuuma, why did you let the cat leave?" "Heheh. I touched her booby." In record time, Felicia led a group of 20 or so security guards to Violence Unlimited. "Those are the guys who kidnapped and manhandled me! I want them out of here!" She pointed at CJ and the gang. "Just be thankful my lawyer is on vacation or I'd sue you so fast your sideburns would fly off!" "Sir," the head of security started, "I'm going to have to insist you and your friends leave the premises." CJ popped his neck and looked up at the bulky guard. "Why don't you make us?" Jae Hoon, who really hasn't done much in this episode, concentrated on the elements of the set. Using his amazing mathematical skills, he studied the reflective surfaces around the area while rubbing his chin. He gave a nod and stepped between the rest of his squad and the security guards. "Listen, everybody," he said. "We don't need to start any fights here. This has just been a huge misunderstanding and me and my friends are going to leave." "The hell are you doing, kid?" CJ whispered. "Trust me on this." Jae looked upward and slightly to the left. Addressing the security force he told them, "Yeah, so we'll be going now. Right, guys?" CJ hesitated, but then decided to give Jae the benefit of the doubt. He turned around and walked away. The others in the group did the same, until only Jae was left. "I'm really sorry about all of this. But I have to admit, hanging around the set and seeing you guys make this movie really put a smile on my face." Jae nodded his head and flashed his pearly whites. The light from his teeth hit a shiny pipe, which reflected to a mirror, which reflected to a pair of sunglasses, and so on and so forth until... "Ah! My eyes!" *CRASH* "Medic!" Jae turned away and joined his team. CJ looked on from the open doorway and gave a smirk. Maybe this kid had potential after all. Director King Hippo took one look at the fallen Fei Long and turned away. "My God, man! I haven't seen a body that destroyed since that tag team wrestling match I saw the other day!" Paramedics ganged around Fei Long. "Unless I can find a replacement, my movie is ruined! And that means *I*'m ruined!" "I know someone who you can hire!" someone from the back shouted. "Who?" Fei Long's assistant walked out, tore off his shirt and put on his shades. "Me. Johnny Cage." The director realized he had no other choice and reached his glove out to shake hands. "You're hired!" After the handshake, Cage stopped by Fei Long, who was being taken away on a stretcher. Fei was so filled with rage that he couldn't even speak. "Hey, boss. This is the part when your career falls down. Don't worry, though. I'm sure you'll find work. I can always use a new assistant." [---] Cervantes and the rest of the Bootleg Buccaneers sat around their big screen TV and started to watch a dubbed movie they scored. "Arr!" Cervantes arred. "Look at the FBI warning! I be shaking in my boots!" Everyone roared in laughter. The laughter died down when their window shattered and two caped figures crashed their party. Bonne Jenet, who was at the computer, spun around in her chair and pointed. "Oh no! It's Battler Man and the Bao Wonder!" The two masked heroes put their fists up. Battler Man smirked. "That's right. And we're here to take out the trash, you pirate fiends. So who wants so- oh... my God. Are you guys watching Battler Beyond: the Movie?" "Arr!" "The uncut version?" "Arr!" "Then scoot over and make some room on that couch, Yosemite Sam." "Holy irresponsibility, Battler Man! Shouldn't we be fighting them instead of- whoa! That girl's playing Mega Man 2! On a *computer*!" Hours later, Battler Man and Cervantes lounged on the couch, watching pirated PPV porn. "Man, I'd like to toss the Battlerang to *that* broad." "What be you talking about?" "The Battlerang. It's my weapon. It's supposed to be a metaphor for wanting to bang her." "Aye. Well, not a very good one, it is!" "Oh, go eat some crunch berries." [---] Cracker Jack pressed the stop and eject buttons on his VCR. It was late at night and he had received a pink VHS tape showing that the Metal Slug team had failed and they were now prisoners at OOSHA's mercy. He tossed the tape into the trashcan and rested back in his chair. "Fucking OOSHA. What else can go wrong?" It was then that he noticed his answering machine was blinking. He pressed the button to hear his one message. It was a really nasal message. "Hi, CJ. This is Sharon. YACHOO!" *sniff* "I got rid of Joe for you, but I ended up getting a pretty bad co... co... YACHOO! Cold. I'm really sorry, but I can't make it in today. The doctor says I'll be stuck in bed for the next couple of days. But I got you a replacement for," *sniff* "you. I gave the substitute all the instructions of what to do so you should be fine. Later." After a minute or so of loud hacking coughs, she finally hung up. "Well, that's just great." *knock knock* "Come in!" "Rrrhgglllrrr." "Hey, Hugo. What're you doing here?" "Ugggrrlrvvvrrr." "Oh, okay then. Sure you're up for the extra shifts?" "Rrrrgglllrrrr." "Wait... what are you doing? Hey, let go of me! Get off! No! Don't touch me there! GAH!" *crunch!* "AAAGGHHH!" [---] Author's Notes: Wow. I finished a chapter before the eleventh hour. Didn't know that was possible. Big thanks to Mr. RECBT 100 himself, Black Dub, who not only preread for me, but also gave me a loooong description of the Metal Slug series. Also thanks for Rob Kelly for prereading and stopping me from giving Jenet's crew the wrong name. And thanks to Keio, the eDANgelist, W4, Metal and anyone else who was nice enough to give me feedback on my ideas. Rob Kelly's up next. Kick some ass, Robbie! Oh, and before you continue reading on, I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm really, really, REALLY sorry. Gavin "Gavok" Jasper Half Horse Productions http://www.rit.edu/~gjj2192/hol [---] A laser beam from Kazuya blasted Dio clear across his room and into the wall. He began to nod off into unconsciousness, telling himself, "I seem to have tripped. I think I'm going to take a little nap now..." Kazuya Mishima, content with his actions, started to leave the room. But the white hand of Vanilla Ice and his Stand Cream grabbed the purple creature by the neck and held him to the wall. "Get your hands off of me, you freak!" he finally spoke. "I cannot let you live after what I have just seen you do to Master Dio. But you must tell me... how? How could you get away with such crimes?" "'How' you ask? I knew you'd be wondering that. Look to your right. You'll find your answers." Vanilla Ice turned his head and paused. He released his grip of Kazuya, allowing him to soar out of the room with his big, purple wings. Vanilla Ice turned off his Stand and stared at the spray painted message on the wall in disbelief. "It... it can't be!" His eyes rolled up into the back of his head. He then facefaulted, becoming as dormant as his faceless leader. What did that message say, you ask? "The Moral of the Story: The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the World that he didn't exist."