"WhoooaaaAAAAAAAoooooaaaaAAAAAAAoooooaaaaAAAAAooooaaaaaaAAAAooooo-" The Great Oni flew rapidly around in a tight circle, refusing to release his death-grip on Scorpion's neck as he wrang the mesh-masked-and-motorcycle- helmeted warrior. "-AAAAAoooooaaaaaaAAAAAAAoooaaaaAAAAooooaaaaAAAAAAA-" El Stingray dropped Scorpion's obese partner, Jumbo Flap Jack, with a quick rolling sole butt (which is Japanese for "spinning jumping Ultimo Dragon back kick") and turned around to see Oni across the ring still swinging around Scorpion's neck. "Aw, for- are you still *doin'* that?" El Stingray shouted. "-oooooaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAoooooooaaaAAAAAAAAAoooooooaaaaaAAAAAAooo-" Jumbo, who was still working on getting to his feet- Yes, he's fat. Jumbo continued to struggle to his fee- He's so fat he wears Levi's 1002's. Yes. Thanks for asking. Anyway, Jumbo- is he *still* not up yet? Jumbo continued to attempt to get up, rolling from side to side on his back in an attempt to... Yeah, we got plenty of time. Ask me again. He's so fat his blood type is Ragu. And his nickname is "Damn". Is he up yet? And he wakes up in sections. And he has to pull his pants down to get into his pockets. Hang on, let me check. And his mother was so hairy he was born with rugburn. "OKAY! I'm *UP*! CHRIST!" Jumbo yelled, having finally assumed a standing position. "And DON'T YOU BE TALKING ABOUT MAH *MOMMA*!" El Stingray, who Jumbo outweighed by about three times and who was so short that you could see his feet in his Driver's License picture, skittered up to Jumbo and with all his strength snap suplexed the big man onto his back once again. The crowd applauded. Glad you asked. He's so fat that when you yell "Kool-Ade!" he bursts through the wall. "HEY!" Jumbo yelled, lying on his back. Meanwhile, Jumbo's father was seen kicking a can down the street. A passerby asked him what he was doing, and he said "Moving". No, it's okay. He isn't getting up again this whole scene. "-aaaaaAAAAAAAooooooaaaaaAAAAAAooooaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAIIIII-*YAH*!" Oni screamed, releasing Scorpion's neck. Oni and Scorpion flew several feet in different directions, with Oni landing on his feet holding his head and wobbling and Scorpion landing on his back holding his neck. "Dude," Stingray said as he walked up to Oni. "That ain't right." "Sayonara barbarian dogbreath!" Oni said in his high-pitched Japanese accent. "Ikuzooooo!" He staggered forward a couple steps and promptly threw up. "Ick," Stingray said. "You gonna *die*, bitch," Scorpion said angrily, getting to his knees and then to his feet. "BLEEAAAAAAARGH," Oni responded, still hunched over. "Gonna *pay* for what you did to my neck!" Scorpion said, advancing. "HUUUUUURGH," Oni replied. He finished up and staggered to a standing position from his knees just in time for Scorpion to grab him and jump thirty feet straight up. "I still don't get how he can do that," Stingray said to himself. "Or why he can teleport. Or conduct lightning." "Please help me," Jumbo said as he lay on the ground. Stingray stomped him a couple times. "Ow," Jumbo complained. Stingray looked up again just in time to see Scorpion, still flying up with Oni in his grasp, fly straight into a medium-speed ceiling fan at the top of the arena. A blade of the fan caught Scorpion square in the head, hitting with enough force to knock Scorpion a couple feet horizontally. "Yow," Stingray said. "Damn." Stingray, standing in the center of the ring, watched as Scorpion and Oni began plummeting, not straight downward as Scorpion's Super Twirling Slam Death thingie usually went, but at a sharp curve that carried both of them right past the ring and smashed both of them through the English Announce Table. "Jesus Christ!" Stingray blurted, holding the top of his head with both hands. "What happened?" Jumbo asked from the floor. "Can you help me up?" Stingray stomped him a couple times. "Ow," Jumbo complained. Stingray walked over to the ropes and looked down to the floor. What he saw was an oddly interesting tangle of broken limbs and wooden table fragments that would occasionally shift as if trying to move before falling still again. "Well, shit," Stingray said. "That ain't good." "Excuse me?" Jumbo pleaded. "Could'ya maybe help me up? Please? The match is still goin' on and I'd like it if-" "Oh, yeah! Match!" Stingray walked over to the turnbuckles, bounded to the top in one leap, and jumped off with a giant splash onto Jumbo that netted him the easy three-count from the invisible referee working for the promotion. "Right!" Stingray said, hopping up. "Got that done. Christ, I better get those guys some medical help." "What about me?" Jumbo said from the ground. "I've fallen and I can't get-" Stingray stomped him a couple times and left the ring, walking over to the pile of wood and people on the floor. "How you guys doing?" Stingray asked. "Sakurambo ohaiyo tame ni," Oni complained woozily. "Don't think we gonna be able to wrestle tomorrow," Scorpion said blandly. "Don't worry 'bout that, man, I'll get replacements," Stingray said. "We need to get you guys fixed up." "Oh god no," Scorpion complained as Oni's head began to swim. "BLEEEEEEEAAAAAARGH-" [---] "I'm bad," Akumicheal Jackson said to himself as he walked down the street. "I'm bad. Really, really bad." He licked the chocolate ice cream cone he held in his one white glove, his white hat with a black band on it sitting on his head at a jaunty angle as he continued to talk to himself. "I'm bad," he said between licks, stepping off the curb and walking across the street. "I'm bad. You know it. You know." His ice cream cone emitted a lone drip, landing squarely on the thumb of his white glove. "Aw, hell," he said, stopping to stare at his glove. He took the ice cream cone in his other hand and at the same time attempted to get the chocolate-stained glove off, but all this accomplished was a few drips falling from the cone and landing on his white left shoe. "Aw, *man*," he said, looking down at his pants. As he did so he unconsciously let his cone tip forward, and the whole thing went splat on his nice white dress slacks. Akumicheal stared glumly at his brown-stained pants for a second, frowning miserably and wondering what he did to deserve this. He was then struck and killed by an ice cream truck, which hit his corpse with a couple missiles as it continued on to make sure he was good and dead as the truck's driver gave a maniacal laugh. Fuuma, walking down the street with a folded-up newspaper and a pen, looked over to the squished, squashed, burned and blasted remains of Akumicheal Jackson. "*Oh*!" Fuuma said in sudden realization and kept walking, writing in "ROADKILL" under "5 Across - domestic city animal (8)". He'd been wondering about that one. "That's *that* done!" he announced proudly. [---] Forgot About Jae CHAPTER THREE: Healthy Competition Ripped Directly from the Pages of History by Shelby Scott, the Darkheart One This Chapter, Timely as Though Torn from Today's Headlines, Written by the MultiMediocre Knight Please Note: This is completely different from RECBT. Yes it is. [---] In our last episode, which was once Chapter One and is now Chapter Two (I blame the government), a series of interesting events led to an innocent manfish being expanded to 60 feet tall and blown into chunks of various sizes. That was cool. Other stuff happened, but it wasn't as interesting as giant falling manfish parts so I don't really remember. I was kind of sleepy when I read it. [---] "Yeah, I got it," Poison called as shi walked to the phone. "Figures we get a call tonight." Shi got to the phone on the third ring, holding the receptor up to hir ear. "Thank you for calling Violence Unlimited," shi said. "You point, we mangle behind- oh! Stingo! Been a while since I heard from *you*! Hey, Hugo, it's our old pal Stingo!" "Hrrmfrgrrgl?" Hugo asked from the other room as his head loomed into the doorway. "You remember Stingo!" Poison said. "He helped us find that Haggar bitch so we could drop him on his head!" "Grm! Frrgledmm!" Hugo said in recognition, nodding and looming his head back into the other room. "Anyway, Stingo, what's up? We told you last time, Hugo and I ain't interested in that crapass promotion you wor-" Poison listened. "...No fucking way! Christ! That sounds like it hurt. ...Mm-hmm. Yeah, we can do that. Yeah. Alright! Good to do business with you. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hey, keep in touch, huh? Okay, bye." Poison hung up the phone and turned around, walking back into Poker Night in the next room and climbing back up to her perch on Hugo's shoulders. "Took you long enough," Sharon said. "Oh, shut up," Poison said. "Looks like we got work." "Again?" Sharon asked, dealing. "Your organization certainly seems to be busy lately," Daniel J. D'Arby commented as he received his cards. "Seems your new recruit suits you well." "'New recruit'," Poison repeated. "Fuck. I *hate* that guy." "YOU HATE MOST EVERYBODY," Apocalypse boomed, watching his cards come to him as he picked up his gigantic 12-litre can of Evilass Ale Lite in one massive hand and guzzled. "Fucking-A," Poison commented, looking to Sharon. "You hate him too, though, don't'cha?" "Yeah!" Sharon said, finishing her dealing and placing the remainder of the deck nearby. "Damn it, I *hate*... that guy." "'That guy'," D'Arby repeated dryly as he held his cards up and thumbed through them. "Yeah!" Sharon said, sorting out her cards. "That guy! That... fuck! What's his name?" "The new fucker?" Poison said, looking up from her cards. "He's... he's... fuck! What *is* his name?" "FUUMA?" Apocalypse boomed, setting down his Evilass Ale Lite on the table with a soft 'whump' and picking up his cards. "Not *Fuuma*!" Poison said. "The *new* fucker!" "Hello, my friend," D'Arby greeted as Cracker Jack came in from outside. "Aw, Christ, you guys, you can't play your damn game somewhere else?" CJ asked. "Boss!" Sharon said. "What's the name of the new guy?" "The new guy?" CJ repeated. "You don't know his name?" "Do *you* know his name?" Poison asked. "I can't believe you guys don't even know his fucking name," CJ said as he shook his head. "You two are so antisocial." "Boss, his *name*!" Sharon said. "I'm not going to tell you," CJ said, walking past the poker table in the center of the room. "Ask Fuuma if he comes in." "Boss!" Sharon said again, to no avail as CJ went through the door to his office and then to the kitchen connected to it. "He doesn't know," Poison said. "Yes, thank you," D'Arby said. "Why, I'd have never picked up on that had you not graciously informed me." "Oh, shut the fuck up," Poison said. "Ante up," Sharon said. "Yeah, yeah," Poison said, throwing a ten into the pot along with everyone else. "Man, I'm thirsty," Sharon said. "Can I have some of your wine, Dan?" "I brought this specifically for myself," Daniel J. said as he sipped from his glass. D'Arby held his glass up towards Apocalypse. "Why don't you have some of his beverage?" "That stuff tastes like rat piss!" Sharon complained. "Not to mention I can't even *lift* the damn thing!" "It is quite the container," D'Arby agreed, tipping his glass to Apocalypse. "You certainly hold your liquor well, my friend." Apocalypse guzzled the rest of his beer and crushed the container in one gigantic palm, setting it down on the table proudly. "*BEHOLD* MY MIGHTY CAN!" Apocalypse boomed. "Yeah, yeah," Sharon said. "Hello all!" Fuuma piped, walking through the door with his newspaper and pen. "Whatcha doing?" "Fuck off and die," Poison said. "Ooh!" Fuuma said, looking at Apocalypse. "Ooh! That's it!" Fuuma looked down at his newspaper and wrote down "ROBOT" as the answer to "11 Across - massive, gigantic (5)". "Hey, Fuuma," Sharon said, "what's the name of the new guy?" "The new guy?" Fuuma asked, looking up from his paper to see everyone staring at him. "Uh..." CJ, making sure nobody was looking his way, quietly walked back into the room at this point and listened intently for Fuuma's answer. "I'm pretty sure it started with a 'J'," Fuuma said. CJ, reminding himself to stay stealthy, refrained from grabbing something and throwing it at the ninja. "JOHNNY?" Apocalypse suggested. "No," Fuuma said, "it wasn't Johnny. Joe?" "No, I don't think it's Joe," Sharon said. "Jago," Poison suggested. "No, no, it's not Jago!" Fuuma said. "Jago's a ninja! I know him personally!" [---] "Mr. Jagooooo!" Fuuma called, chasing after Jago after spotting him walking down the street one day. "Can I talk to youuuuuu?" Jago's eyes narrowed as he heard Fuuma running towards him. The green- clad ninja stopped walking, turned to face Fuuma and reached for his sword. "Mr. Jago," Fuuma called as he continued to run towards Jago, "I know all the other ninjas like you and you're really cool can you put a good word in for me with the other gAAIIIIIIIEEEEE!" [---] "He and I are like *this*," Fuuma said, wrapping his index and middle finger around each other. "Uh-huh," Sharon said skeptically. "So it's not Jago," Fuuma said. "Jade?" D'Arby suggested. "No, Jade's another ninja!" Fuuma said. "I remember one time I asked her if she'd like to go to a movie and when I woke up my leg was-" "Okay, so it's not Jade," Sharon interjected. "STARTS WITH 'J'," Apocalypse repeated. "HMM." "Ohh! Wait! Wait!" Fuuma said. "I think it's..." "What?" Poison asked. "Jake! *That*'s it! I'm pretty sure his name's Jake!" Fuuma said. "Jake?" Sharon asked. "I'm pretty sure," Fuuma said. "I don't think it's Jake," Poison said. "...Well, maybe. You think it's Jake?" "Jake sounds right," Sharon agreed. "Yeah! It *must* be Jake!" Fuuma said. "*Yeah* it's Jake!" CJ said, finally speaking. "Honestly, you guys!" "It's a wonder we couldn't think of it," Sharon said. "I knew all *along* that it was Jake!" CJ said. "Bull*shit*! You didn't know," Poison said. "Yeah," Sharon said. "You *forgot*." "*I* didn't fucking forget!" CJ said defensively. "I'm not like *you* guys! *You* motherfuckers act like you *forgot* about Jake!" Everyone in the room stared dryly at CJ for a few seconds. Poison shook hir head. "What?" CJ asked. "*What*?" "Anything I say right now would be anticlimactic," D'Arby proclaimed. [---] Asteroid M continued to float lackidaisically through space, as if in no particular hurry to get anywhere. That's because it wasn't, really. Funny how these things go. Also in no particular rush were the four Acolytes standing guard over the body of their master Magneto, who continued to sleep peacefully. By "standing" guard I mean "sitting", as that is what they were doing. They had set up four chairs around the bed, with the reasoning that standing all day is tiring, and were currently sitting as they guarded. And by "guarded", well," I mean "watched television with the sound very low so as not to wake up their rather moody master". "Can we turn it up just a *little* bit?" the second Acolyte asked quietly. "No!" the fourth Acolyte snapped grumpily (and quietly). "I can't hear," the second Acolyte complained quietly. "*Please*?" "No!" the fourth Acolyte quietly snapped again. "Now shut up! I can't hear it." "Man, Earth news sucks anyways," the third Acolyte piped in quietly. "Change it." "No!" the fourth Acolyte quietly snapped. "It's informative! Now shut up!" "If only our master, Magneto, would tell us what to do!" the first Acolyte said, holding his hands in the air. "Yeah, yeah," the third Acolyte said. "Oh, lord Magneto," the first Acolyte said reverently, dropping to one knee at the foot of Magneto's bed, "we need your direction! We need your guidance! *Give us a sign*!" A small 'poot' noise was heard, causing Magneto's sheets to ruffle slightly. The first Acolyte did his best to subtly fan his hand in front of his nose as he very quickly stopped kneeling by the bed. "Heh," the third Acolyte said. "You got told." "Wait!" the first Acolyte said, looking at the TV. "My god! He *has* given us a sign! Turn it up, turn it up!" The fourth Acolyte began turning the volume up, watching the TV as it displayed both a smiling female anchorperson and a picture of a skinny man with a foot-tall blonde flattop. "...disappearance," the smiling female anchorperson reported. "Sources close to Benimaru Nikkaido say that they have 'no fucking clue' where it is he would have been seen last before his unexpected disappearance." "That's IT!" the first Acolyte shouted. "What is?" the second Acolyte asked. "Our lord and master's sign is clear, through his actions! He has *farted in Benimaru Nikkaido's general direction*!" "Does he know this Benny guy?" the third Acolyte asked. "He must!" the first Acolyte yelled. "For that is his way! COME, my associates! We must board our secret spaceship, travel to the colony of South Town, Earth, and track down and kill this Benimaru man!" "Bullshit," the fourth Acolyte snapped. "Well, what the hell," the third Acolyte said. "Gets us out and about, at least." "What about our master?" the fourth Acolyte asked. "He's not going anywhere," the third Acolyte pointed out. "True enough," the fourth Acolyte said. "Let's GO!" the second Acolyte announced. The four of them piled out the door, leaving the prone form of Magneto alone with the television still on as the news cut to an interview with Benimaru Nikkaido's closest friend. "He's always pulling this shit with me," Kyo Kusanagi complained as he was interviewed in his office complex. "Watch this, any second now he's going to walk through that door like always." Kyo turned to a door and watched it. Magneto listened carefully for the Acolytes' Top-Secret Space Ship departing and, hearing it, sat up with satisfaction and looked for the remote. Kyo, on the screen, continued to stare at the door. He gave this another couple seconds before turning back to the interviewer. "See, now he's just not showing up right now to make me look stupid," Kyo complained. "He's always doing this. Fucker." Magneto crawled across his bed, grabbed the remote off of the fourth Acolyte's chair, and began flipping channels. "'Board our *secret* *spaceship*'," Magneto repeated to himself with a grin. "Bunch of idiots. Ooh! Love Hina!" [---] "It's like I said before, dear," Jae said to his Nameless Everpresent Girlfriend as they walked through the doors and into the reception area of Violence Unlimited, "our love will not suffer in any way if your hand is not in my clothing at all times." "You could keep your hands in *my* clothes, if you'd like that better," NEG suggested coyly. "Well, now, see," Jae said, "I don't think we need our hands on each other *every* moment of the day just to prove that we love each othMEEP! Okay, now, this is what I'm talking about," Jae said, shooing NEG's hand out of his pants. "C'mere," NEG grinned, pulling Jae into a heated kiss. "Oh, *gag*," Poison said dryly rolling hir eyes. "You were better off with the groping. Anyway, you damn gigolo, we've got work for you." "Ah, yes," Jae smiled. "Work." NEG snuggled up to him. "You realize that whatever you're doing I'm doing too, Jae." "*Jae*!" Poison blurted out. "...Yes?" Jae answered, his face registering confusion. "*Jae*!" Poison blurted out again, not looking at Jae. "*Oh*!" Poison got up from behind hir desk and went into the next room. "*Jae*!" Jae and NEG heard hir yell. "*Ohhhhhh*!" they heard Sharon say. "*Jae*! *Damn*!" Poison returned to hir desk, opened up a drawer and began rummaging. "Uh," Jae began. "What was-" "Nothing," Poison answered, pulling out a stapled stack of papers and handing them to Jae. "There's your assignment. Get a move on, *Jae*." "Alrighty," Jae said, and with that he and NEG went through the same doors they came in. "See, I *told* you it was something like 'Jake'," Poison heard Fuuma remark from behind a fern. "Shut up, Fuuma," Poison told the fern. Fuuma popped out from behind a chair. "I fooled you!" Fuuma celebrated. "Hooray!" "...Oh, god," Poison complained, letting hir head fall into hir hands. "I'm being faked out by *Fuuma*." "My correspondance course in ninjitsu is paying off!" Fuuma exclaimed cheerily. "Shut up. Just go away," Poison complained bitterly. "Thank YOU, Thunder Hawk!" Fuuma cheerfully piped, grinning real wide and giving a thumbs-up towards nothing in particular. [---] [SCENE, INT.: [A very nice office, the kind you might expect a lawyer to have. There are several very nice framed certificates on the walls. T. HAWK, wearing a very nice brown suit and that headband thing he always wears on his head, is seated on top of a very nice mahogany desk and is facing the camera. T.HAWK gives a very large smile to the camera.] T. HAWK (enunciating clearly, with a very wooden delivery as his eyes blatantly follow a teleprompter): And that is *just one* of the *many* success stories we receive almost *every day* here at the Thunder Hawk Institute for Learning How Not to Be Seen. Now it's *your* turn. [A blue screen comes up and a list of items scrolls from bottom to top as T. HAWK reads them.] T. HAWK (off-screen): You can get *your* degree in: Espionage, Ninjitsu, Polterguistry, Advanced Hermit Skills, Helpful Customer Service Representation, Non-Derivative Rap Musicianship, or Aqcuiring Work in a Chevy Chase Movie. [The blue screen disappears, with the screen returning to T. HAWK sitting on the desk.] T. HAWK (his eyes still obviously following a teleprompter): Now, you may be saying to yourself, "How do I know that this method of learning is effective in today's marketplace?" Well, let me assure you that the Thunder Hawk Institute for Learning How Not to Be Seen is one-hundred-percent guaranteed. In fact, I can personally say that I was not seen at any point in time between 1994 and 1999. With this guarantee you... [T. HAWK appears to scan quickly over the teleprompter, then makes a facial expression of outraged anger. Loud snickering is audible.] T. HAWK (yelling at somebody off-camera): You son of a bitch! [OFF-CAMERA SON OF A BITCH erupts in laughter, with several people joining OFF-CAMERA SON OF A BITCH seconds later.] T. HAWK: Shut up! SHUT UP! [OFF-CAMERA SON OF A BITCH and STAFF continue the mocking laughter.] T. HAWK: YOU SONS OF *BITCHES*! ARGH! [T. HAWK reaches up and rips his nice suit off his body to reveal his denim clothes underneath, then reaches forward and grabs the camera with one hand.] OFF-CAMERA SON OF A BITCH (off-camera): *Oh* shit! T. HAWK: RRRAAAAAAARGH! [The screen shows a blur of motion as T. HAWK hefts the camera and tosses it. The screen stops suddenly and falls to a view of the floor as the camera connects with OFF-CAMERA SON OF A BITCH.] OFF-CAMERA SON OF A BITCH (off-camera): Augh! T. HAWK (off-camera): YOU *DIE*! MEXICAN *TYPHOOOOOOOOOOOON*! OFF-CAMERA SON OF A BITCH (off-camera): NoooooooOOOOOOOOOOO- [The camera loses feed with a loud crunch.] [---] "Pfft," Magneto exhaled sarcastically, rolling his eyes and flipping through channels. [---] Fuuma continued to stand eerily still, flashing his frozen grin and giving his thumbs-up to nothing in particular. "*Stop doing that*, for fuck's sakes," Poison said. "That's really creepy." [---] "I know I'm forgetting something," J. P. Polnareff said to himself as he ambled down the street gazing into the plastic bag in his hands. "I got the milk, I got the eggs..." Polnareff's gigantic yellow tower of hair bumped into the awning of a store entrance, causing him to lurch backwards in mid-stride and nearly drop his bag. "Whoops," he said, stopping and steadying himself just in time to avoid being knocked forward onto his face when he was bumped into from behind. He turned around in the middle of the crowded sidewalk to see a man with a long blonde ponytail look at him. The man, wearing a long gray trenchcoat over what appeared to be pink martial-arts gear, raised his eyebrows in surprise as he looked at Polnareff. "What?" Polnareff asked. The two men, both tall and lanky, stared at each other for a second before the sound of squealing tires was heard to be approaching. "HE'S GOT A GUN!" someone in the large crowd yelled, causing a mass panic as people began running. (Other shouts included "CARPETMUNCHER!" and "MY MOTHER'S MY SISTER!", but those aren't as relevant.) "There he is!" a voice yelled. Magneto's Acolytes cruised at top speed down the street in a purple minivan, heading towards the spot that one Acolyte was pointing to. "NOW!" the first Acolyte yelled. The fourth Acolyte leaned out of a back window with an Uzi and opened fire. The trenchcoat-clad and now wide-eyed blonde man screamed and took off running, two small pink-clad dinosaurs hopping along behind him, as J.P. Polnareff took several ammo rounds to the gut, chest and hair. "Mission accomplished!" the first Acolyte yelled, watching Polnareff lie still and bleed a bunch. "Hooraaaaay!" the second Acolyte cheered as the purple van sped away again. Benimaru Nikkaido, his face pale and his ponytail ruffled, ducked into an alleyway and pressed himself against the wall to slow his breath. "Chosen One! Are you harmed?" Bub piped in concern. Benimaru continued to gasp for breath. "That was meant for me," he said in shock between gulps of air. "It's over now! We must put it aside!" Bob piped, poinging onto Benimaru's shoulder. "You have work to do!" "I don't wanna do this," Benimaru complained. "I said you have WORK TO DO!" Bub insistantly squeaked. Bob poinged onto the ground beside Bub and the two of them exhaled as one, engulfing Benimaru in a large bubble that floated him out of the alley and down the street towards the dinosaurs' specified destination. "Hey!" Benimaru protested. "HEY!" [---] "So you're the guy they sent?" El Stingray asked of Jae as he and NEG were led around the arena. "I am indeed," Jae confirmed. "And you were briefed about why we need you?" Stingray asked. "Yes," Jae answered. "Did that one guy *really* swallow a piece of the table?" NEG asked Stingray. "Three pieces," Stingray answered. "And just 'cause they ended up going down his throat doesn't mean he got to 'swallow' them per se." NEG flinched. "Yike." "Anyway, then," Stingray said, "what we're gonna do is teach you the basics and send you out there to act like our guy Oni. We've got some videos and stuff so you can get the mannerisms down." Benimaru Nikkaido, encased in a bubble, floated into the arena and past the three as Bub and Bob merrily prodded the bubble along. "Oh!" Stingray said. "There's the other guy." "Uh-*huh*," NEG said with an eyebrow raised at the floating Benimaru. "Getting back to what I was talking about," Stingray said, "we'll get you started right away. You won't need *too* much training, though, 'cause you only need to do this one match. We only need you for tonight." "Tonight only?" Jae repeated. "The regular wrestlers will be healthy by *tomorrow*?" "You'd be surprised," Stingray said. "We sent them to the private hospital downtown." [---] [SCENE, EXT.: [A scenic shot of a collosal white building, surrounded by grass and greenery everywhere that wasn't paved over for a road or parking lot.] VOICEOVER: Park World Restorative Facilities, established in 1998, was built in the center of the downtown district over what was formerly the Mamahaha Park Bird Sanctuary. [The scene changes to an Asian man, wearing a white lab coat over a white Karate uniform, who is standing on a balcony that overlooks a bustling hospital lobby on the floor below. A box of text appears in the lower-left corner of the screen reading "DR. WHITE KARATE MASTER".] DR. WKM: Originally conceptualized as a place of recovery for those who work in employment positions of high physical risk and feel that the current public health system cannot meet their needs, Park World Restorative Facilities offers affordable solutions for your health problems. [Stock footage is shown of Benimaru Nikkaido stepping out from gates of white marble and waving a friendly hello to the workers, who nod and wave back to him.] DR. WKM (VOICEOVER): Expanded in 2000 to accomodate resurrectional facilities and other methods of returning clients to the state of health held before their injuries, Park World is now the leading private-enterprise health-care in South Town and surrounding areas. [Scene returns to DR. WKM, still in the same place.] DR. WKM: Park World Restorative Facilities guarantees that you will not miss more workdays than you absolutely have to by returning you to your full health no matter what the cost. And remember that Par- [DR. WKM looks to his left upon hearing a snort and the thundering of hooves, then doubletakes and frantically assumes a fighting stance.] DR. WKM (bracing himself): Aw, shit, not *again*- [Before DR. WKM can throw an attack, a charging bull plows into him head-on at full speed and throws him off the balcony before charging offscreen again. Everyone on the first floor screams and panics as the ding of an elevator is heard and the bull rushes into the lobby in the background of the shot. The address of Park World Restorative Facilities superimposes itself over the shot as the bull lifts DR. WKM off the ground with its horns. The bull again tosses him into the air as the screen fades to black.] [---] "Jesus, TV *sucks* nowadays," Magneto said to himself, sitting propped up in bed and eating straight out of a two-litre carton of chocolate ice cream. He flipped to the channel-listing channel, suddenly looked extremely happy, and changed the channel again. "Except for more LOVE HINA!" Magneto amended gleefully. [---] "Hey, Poison, you seen Fuuma anywhere?" CJ asked, walking into the lobby of Violence Unlimited and looking around. "I need him for something." "Ah, yes, Fuuma," Poison said to hirself in an unnecessarily loud voice. "Why, I don't know if we will *ever* be able to see Fuuma with our untrained eyes again unless any of us can ever *hope* to match the stealth which Fuuma displays." CJ blinked a couple times (not that you'd know it from looking at him) and looked around the lobby again, confused. "*Fuuma*, you see," Poison continued loudly, "has been taking a *correspondance course* in *ninja stuff*! Why, Fuuma could be *anywhere* in this lobby and we would never, *ever* know!" CJ levelled his gaze on Poison, who grinned real wide and revealed hirself to be holding a remote detonator in hir hand. "*Today*, however," Poison said loudly with a gleam in hir eye, "we know that Fuuma is in the *fern*." Poison gleefully pressed the button on the detonator, activating the proximity mine it controlled, and the fern exploded with a cloud of fireworks and a loud scream of pain. CJ held his arm out to the side without looking and snagged Fuuma by the collar as he flew past, smoke trails following his arc of flight. "It burns," Fuuma complained weakly. "Well, I was *going* to send you to check up on Jake, but I guess you'll be busy blowing your salary at Park World again. Thanks a whole lot, Poison." "Guy's name is Jae," Poison corrected idly. "Pfft," CJ said, rolling his eyes and dropping Fuuma to the ground in a heap. "Whatever." "I fell on my keys," Fuuma complained weakly, a small fire still burning on his back. Poison opened a drawer of hir desk, pulled out another mine, tossed it over beside Fuuma and detonated it with malicious glee. "C'mon, bitch!" Poison snapped happily. "Hide! C'mon!" [---] "How do I look?" Jae asked NEG, popping out of the change room. Jae, wearing a red and white kabuki mask with large white horns on his head, was clad in white jeans and was shirtless under a white denim jacket. "Like a professional wrestler," NEG said, rubbing the back of her head. "I guess." "Well," Jae shrugged as he turned to go down the hallway, "out I go, then." "Don't forget the mist stuff," NEG reminded, holding up a small uninflated balloon filled with green food colouring. "The mist stuff," Jae said, taking the balloon and hiding it in his jacket. "Right." "Don't swallow it," NEG reminded him. [---] "See, you have to put it in your mouth when you need to use it," Stingray had explained to Jae during his training. "Then you bite down on it to release the food colouring, slosh it around in your mouth to mix it with your saliva, and spit it. See, watch this." El Stingray popped an uninflated balloon filled with food colouring into his mouth, bit down on it, and spat out a graceful cloud of green mist. "Ooooh!" NEG admired. "Only you can't let the audience see you put it in your mouth, so be quick when you need it," Stingray told Jae. "And just keep the balloon in your mouth until you can spit it out somewhere without anyone seeing you. Okay, you try." Jae popped the balloon into his mouth and bit down. "Okay," Stingray said, "now try--" Gulp. Stingray, under his mask, had a look of bemusement. "Whoops," Jae said, looking sheepish. "Well, no problem," Stingray said. "Here, try it again." Stingray handed Jae another balloon from the bowl of them that he had in his hands. Jae slipped the balloon into his mouth and bit down on it. Gulp. Stingray gave Jae a level stare. "I'll get it eventually," Jae grinned self-consciously, scratching his head. "Let's just move on," Stingray said, putting the bowl down and turning to look over to Jumbo. "How's it coming over there?" "Well, he can already channel lightning," Jumbo told Stingray, "so I was just teaching him the teleportation thing." "And how's he coming with that?" Stingray asked. "We need a really tall ladder," Jumbo said. Everyone looked up to see Benimaru Nikkaido, the motorcycle helmet and mesh mask on his head, hanging upside down and hanging for dear life from the rafters of the arena. "HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Benimaru shrieked. "Help is on the way!" Bub piped up to him. "Just keep hanging on, Chosen One!" Bob piped encouragingly. "STOP CALLING ME THAT!" Benimaru complained. "HEEEEEEEELLLLP!" Gulp. Stingray turned around to see Jae again grin sheepishly. "Argh," Stingray said to himself. [---] "Yeah, yeah, I know, no swallowing it," Jae said, slipping the balloon into an inside pocket of his jacket. "I don't think my stomach could *take* swallowing another one." "Well," NEG said, "this is it!" "This is it," Jae agreed. "Good luck," NEG told him, giving him a big hug. Jae returned the hug, let go, and moved as if to go down the hall. He then tried again to move down the hall, with about as much success as the first attempt. "You have to let go of me now, dear," Jae told her. "You really need to go shirtless more often," NEG said huskily. "I-- well, now isn't really the time foMEEP!" "Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh," NEG chuckled throatily. "...Actually, we've got plenty of time!" Jae said briskly, pulling her into the change room and locking the door behind him. Benimaru, carrying the wrestling attire he needed to get changed into, walked up to the door and tried to open it. Finding it locked, he knocked on the door and waited for it to open. "Bit busy in here," Jae's voice called. "I need to get changed," Benimaru said. "It's a big locker room, you can have more than one person in it. "Yes, you can," NEG's voice giggled. "What? Oh," Benimaru said, promptly doubletaking. "OH! Ohhhh. Okay. I'll just, uh, change in the washrooms or something." "Thanks," Jae's voice called, sounding a bit strained. "We'll be out in a bit." "A while," NEG corrected him. "A while," Jae repeated. "No problem!" Benimaru called, walking away. "Ah, young love," he said to himself as he looked for the bathrooms and tried to ignore all the moaning. [---] "JUST TELL HER YOU LOVE HER!" Magneto shouted at the TV, throwing the empty ice cream container at the screen in frustration. "COME ON! SHE'LL WALK OUT OF YOUR LIFE!" The Acolytes opened the door and froze, staring in awe at their master sitting up in bed and ranting at the TV with chocolate ice-cream stains on his face. "Master Magneto?" the second Acolyte asked in amazement. "Aw, for *Christ's* *sakes*," Magneto complained. "You're awake!" the first Acolyte wailed in happiness, tears welling in his eyes as he fell to his knees beside Magneto's bed. "At last the glory of Magneto has been returned! Now we may extract our glorious and deserved revenge on the Scrub Corps!" "No!" Magneto barked. "No?" the third Acolyte repeated. "No?" the fourth Acolyte asked. "*No*?" the first Acolyte asked in bewilderment. "*No*!" Magneto barked again. "I'm watching TV." The Acolytes stared at him in disbelief. The second Acolyte shook his head. "But Master, the Scru--" "Nuh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh uh," Magneto interrupted, pointing at the TV. "*TV*." The Acolytes looked at each other in bewilderment. "YAY! THE FLYING TURTLE!" Magneto cheered, clapping with child-like glee as a turtle flew across the TV screen. The Acolytes slowly took their places standing next to Magneto's bed. "I am in awe," the fourth Acolyte said. "So, uh," the third Acolyte asked Magneto, "*after* this show are we going to go attack the Scrub Corps?" "No!" Magneto barked. "Wrestling's on after this." "Oh," the third Acolyte said. "Wrestling." The third Acolyte returned to his spot and gave the other three a look of amazement. "You!" Magneto said to the first Acolyte. "*Yes*, my liege!" the first Acolyte said energetically, snapping to attention. "Go make me a sandwich," Magneto told him. [---] Benimaru, having changed into his gear in a washroom across the arena, knocked on the locker room door. "Yeah?" Jae asked from behind it. "I--are you two *still in there*?" Benimaru asked. NEG's giggling informed Benimaru that yes, they still were. "What time is it?" Jae asked. "Time to get ready," Benimaru answered. "We're on in five minutes." "Oh, jeez!--" The sounds of scrambling for clothes could be heard under a layer of giggling as Benimaru rolled his eyes and began walking down the hall. "Chosen One!" Bob chirped, poinging up to Benimaru from around the corner. "It is almost time!" "'Chosen One'," Benimaru repeated, sighing. "I'm getting really sick of hearing -- who the hell is *that*?" Bub poinged down the hall towards Benimaru, carrying a cellphone in his flipper arm thing. That wasn't what Benimaru was asking about. Benimaru was asking about Akuma, who wore a dark brown suit and had his hair in a big red pompadour as he swaggered down the hall. "You there!" Akuma snarled to Benimaru. "Huh?" Benimaru asked. "Who are you supposed to be?" Akuma asked him. "You're the new member of our group? You think you're good enough to help their cause? WHO IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" Akuma snarled, leaning forward so that his face was inches away from Benimaru's. "I--*me*?" Benimaru asked. "Who are *you*?" "ME?" Akuma asked him. "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO THE HELL I AM?" "Uhm," Benimaru said. "No?" "I have returned from Park World," Akuma snarled at him, "and now I am VINCE AKUMACMAHON!" Benimaru stared at him in disbelief. "What?" Benimaru asked, puzzled. "I HATE THAT WORD!" Vince AkuMacMahon snarled, glaring at him. Benimaru, speechless, looked to Bub for help. "This is our covert mercenary," Bub told Benimaru. "Though he is not actually a believer of Danimism--" "Yet," Bob added in, dialing on a cellphone he had produced from his gi with his stubby claw-finger-things. Vince AkuMacMahon snorted. "--he is our most effective ally, as he is skilled in assassinations and disguises!" Bub continued. "He is, in fact, our most requested worker in the history of OOSHA!" "OOSHA?" Benimaru asked as Bob's call went through. [---] "Organized Offices of the Saikyo Hiring Agency," Dig Dug rasped into the phone as she sat in the lobby of the Danimism Headquarters. "We roll over the competition. How may I help-- oh. Hey, hon." "Hello!" Bob piped. "We've made contact with the Curiously Un-Pink Topknot of Saikyo-Ryu and are awaiting the next step of the plan!" "Plan, right," Dig Dug rasped, digging into her desk. "Plan, plan. It was here somewhere." "Plan," Karnov announced, dropping a piece of paper onto the desk. "Ah!" Dig Dug picked the paper up. "Still there?" "The plan!" Bob prompted. "The plan," Dig Dug announced, turning the paper over. "'KILL PAGAN KILL PAGAN'." "I WROTE IT DOWN TWICE BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS IMPORTANT," Strength-Chan boomed as it toddled into the lobby. "And by 'pagan'," Karnov prompted, "you mean--" "I MEAN PAGAN." Strength-Chan said. "*Which* Pagan?" Dig Dug asked. "This is important, hon." "THE PAGAN THAT OUR PAGAN COMPETITION HIRED," Strength-Chan boomed. "POSSIBLY TO SPREAD PAGANISM." "Yes, thank you," Karnov said. "You can go now." "GREAT!" Strength-Chan boomed, walking away. "WRESTLING'S ALMOST ON." "Okay," Dig Dug said, "we know the plan now." [---] "Mm-hmm," Bob said, listening intently. "Mm-hmm. Okay! Consider it underway!" "Make sure it succeeds," Benimaru could hear Dig Dug rasp over the cellphone. "Can do!" Bob announced. "Doushita!" "Doushita," Dig Dug answered as the line cut off. "Okay!" Bob announced. "Chosen One, you know that young man that is filling in for the other injured performer?" Benimaru nodded. "We're going to kill him!" Bob piped cheerfully. "What?" Benimaru asked. Vince AkuMacMahon scrunched his face up and glared at Benimaru. "Sorry," Benimaru said. "You see," Bob explained, "that young man is working for Violence Unlimited, a group which we are in direct competition with for the various part-time labour jobs that arise in this city!" "And to ensure that they do not hinder the success of OOSHA," Bub piped in, "we must eliminate their employees!" "But -- wait wait wait wait wait," Benimaru said. "*Why* are you in competition with them? I mean, what do you need *money* for?" "We must earn a large enough sum of money that we can provide for the return of our Lord!" Bob piped. "What, you mean he's dead?" Benimaru asked. "You can just go to Park World and--" "No! He is not dead!" Bub piped. "Far worse, in fact!" "Worse?" Benimaru repeated. "He is being held by those who abuse their power to hinder the rise of Danimism!" Bub stated. "He's in a prison in Ecuador for mail fraud," Vince AkuMacMahon clarified. "Oh," Benimaru said. "And so to free him we must pay their godless ransom!" Bob venomously piped. "You mean bail?" Benimaru asked. "Call it what you will!" "And... how much do you need?" Benimaru asked. Bob shook his head, tears welling up in his cute little dino eyes. "We must find one million zenny!" Bub stated. "Zenny?" Benimaru repeated. "*One million* zenny!" Bob complained. "What the hell is zenny?" Benimaru asked. "We don't know!" Bob wailed. "Oh, enough," Vince AkuMacMahon snarled. "Just shut up. You, you get out there and do your job so I can get rid of our target." "Are you really going to kill him?" Benimaru asked. "I GUARANTEE it!" Vince AkuMacMahon said. Benimaru, looking vaguely worried, began walking towards the entrance to the ring. "And, in the interest of fairness," Vince AkuMacMahon announced as he turned to Bub and Bob, "I am going to give you both a ten-second head start to leave before you say something stupid and I have to destroy you." "Have we talked to you about Danimism lately?" Bub cheerfully piped. "I will give you *five* seconds," Vince AkuMacMahon stated. Bob gave Vince AkuMacMahon a friendly wide-eyed smile and stood on his tiptoes in an attempt to hand him a pink pamphlet. "GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" Vince AkuMacMahon snapped, waving his arms at them and chasing them down the hallway. [---] "So let's all gather around and see how our buddy Joe does, huh?" CJ suggested loudly, plunking a TV on Poison's desk and plugging it into the wall. "Jae," Poison corrected from behind the TV. "Whatever," CJ said. "You just want an excuse to watch wrestling," Sharon said from the waiting room's couch as she and AK-Chan cuddled. "Yay wrestling!" Fuuma's voice piped from under the couch as a hand popped out from behind a chair and gave a thumbs-up. Sharon glanced behind the couch in confusion, gave the thumbs-up sticking out from behind the couch a look of puzzlement, then finally came right out and gawked in disbelief as the thumbs-up disappeared back behind the chair and Fuuma stepped out of the new fern to sit down on the chair. Sharon, completely baffled, looked to Poison for help. "Hold this for me, Fuuma, will you?" Poison asked sweetly, pulling a proximity mine from hir desk and holding it out to Fuuma. "No," Fuuma said, giving hir a look of suspicion. "Shut up!" CJ barked at them, turning the TV up. "God damn it, it started two minutes ago!" "Which one is he?" Fuuma asked, leaning forward in his chair and squinting at the screen. "Grmffrfsll," Hugo offered helpfully, putting his finger over Jae and thus blocking half the screen. "Oh, okay," Fuuma said. "Wonder who they hired instead of us," Sharon wondered aloud, watching the imitation Scorpion grab the replacement Great Oni in a headlock. [---] "I need to talk to you," Benimaru said abruptly to Jae as he held him in a headlock. "What, now?" Jae asked, squirming around in the headlock. "It's really important," Benimaru told him, his voice muffled by the mesh and helmet. "There's a guy backstage who's going to try and- gah!" El Stingray, making the save for his partner, kicked Benimaru in the forehead. Benimaru released the headlock and grasped at his face, allowing Jae to lock in a sleeperhold. Jumbo, charging at the three of them with a big dramatic yell, rammed the three of them at once with his stomach and knocked them down in a heap. Jae, buried under Benimaru and Stingray, surreptitiously slipped something out of his jacket and into his mouth. "Bring it on, punk!" Jumbo yelled at Jae as he stood up and began trading big fake punches with the rotund grappler. Stingray and Benimaru got up and began throwing attacks at each other as Jumbo led his battle with Jae to the center of the ring. "RrrrrAAAAAAHHHH!" Jumbo yelled, throwing a clothesline at Jae. Jae rolled under the attack, launched himself upwards with his hands to a standing position, struck a Great Oni-like pose, and turned around to face Jumbo. Gulp. Stingray, a consummate professional through and through, resisted the urge to slap his forehead and scream in aggravation. His head swirling as his body arbitrarily decreed that it had received enough food colouring for the day, Jae desperately lifted the bottom of his mask up and lurched over. "Oh, for Christ's *sakes*-" Stingray began, looking over. "HUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRGGHGGGGGGGGGH!" responded Jae. [---] Sitting upright in a hospital bed and watching the TV in a small room located in the Recovery Center of Park World Restorative Facilities, the Great Oni sagely nodded his approval and clapped appreciatively. Scorpion, lying in the other hospital bed, rolled his eyes and shook his head as he went back to reading the Finance section of the Southtown Gazette. [---] "Eww," Sharon said, wrinkling her nose. "That's awful." "But very much in character," Fuuma pointed out. "Shut up, Fuuma," Poison told him. CJ, grumpily doing his best to ignore all the frigging talking and watch TV, abruptly lurched forward off the couch with a jolt and stared at the screen. "Boss?" Poison asked. "Look!" CJ growled, pointing at two small figures at ringside on the screen. "Right there!" [---] "Get 'im, Chosen One!" Bub piped excitedly, poinging up and down alongside Bob in their front-row seats. [---] "Wha--FUCK!" Sharon blurted, leaping off the couch. Fuuma, scribbling in "WHAFUCK" under "17 Down - Expression of Astonishment (7)", looked up just in time to see CJ's hand closing around his whole head. "Mmph mmmph?" Fuuma asked. "Bring the car around, Fuuma," CJ told him, lifting him up without particular effort and tossing him towards the door. "We're gonna go state our views on organized religion." "HRMFLGRRSTRMM," Hugo added, nodding his head in agreement. [---] "Come on, you skinny piece of crap! Come on!" Jumbo shouted at Jae, circling around him. "Gomen ne suzaku non TAKA Michinoku," Jae told him, trying his best to imitate Oni's voice and shake off the waves of post-nauseatic nausea at the same time. "Konnichi wa. Initial D. Uhm." "RrrrrRAAAAAAAAAAAH--" Jumbo threw himself at Jae with a blind charge that met nothing as Jae leapfrogged over him and Jumbo tumbled through the ropes and to the floor. "Aww, yeah!" Stingray yelled to the crowd as he leapt to the top turnbuckle. Jumbo made it to his feet (relatively quickly) and was promptly bowled over by a Stingray plancha (which is Spanish or Latin or something for "flying attack from a high place", loosely translated of course), leaving Jae and Benimaru alone in the ring. Jae and Benimaru, playing their respective roles, began a series of martial arts kicks and counters. "Look," Benimaru said under his masks, "as I was trying to tell you earlier your life's in danger if you don't--" A kick got past Benimaru's defenses and caught him directly in the ribs. That wasn't so bad; Benimaru was a trained martial artist and tournament fighter who could control lightning and hairspray, so being kicked in the ribs was no big deal for him. It was the unexpected sudden charbroiling and subsequent slight melting of his body and its internal systems that came as a surprise to him. "Whoops," Jae said suddenly as Benimaru caught on fire and collapsed in a cloud of black smoke. [---] (FIFTEEN YEARS AGO) Kim Kaphwan and his wife sat on the steps of their house, watching their sons Jae and Dong playing in the front yard. Jae was practicing a tae kwon do form that was simple for Kim but quite advanced for his young son, while Dong was in the driveway seeing how much gravel he could fit in his mouth. "Should we be letting him eat that?" Kim's wife asked him. "It's not eating unless he swallows it," Kim told her, smiling lazily. "True enough," his wife conceded, resting her head on his shoulder and sighing contentedly. It was at that point that a trio of wandering heroes out to save the world ran by, clearly agitated and looking around frantically as if trying to locate something. "SYLPH!" Rooks called, his goofy square blue hat bouncing around in all directions as he ran. "SYYYYYYYLPH!" "I think she and the others went this way, Rooks!" a young girl wearing a white robe and very little else yelled to the boy before yelling at the tall blonde boy running along with them. "No thanks to YOU, you fucking idiot!" "I'm SORRY, OKAY?" Darwin yelled at her, keeping up as best he could with all the armour he had on. "I SHOULDN'T have called them the most useless spirits ever! What do you WANT FROM ME?" "Well, FIND THEM!" Teefa yelled back at him as the three of them kept on running down the street. Kim's wife rolled her head upwards on Kim's shoulder to give her husband an inquisitive look. "Well, *I* don't know," Kim told her. "Are they gone?" a deep voice asked from under the hood of the Kaphwan family car. "Gone enough," a woman's voice answered from inside the car. Dong stopped shoveling gravel into his mouth long enough to join the rest of his family in staring at the car in befuddlement. "Heh," another man's voice laughed spitefully. "Let's see 'em defeat Rimsala and save the world without *us*. Fuckers." "Yes, yes," another woman's voice added. "In the meantime we need to find new work." "Out?" the first woman asked. "Out," the second woman agreed, and four columns of coloured smoke began seeping through the car hood. Kim and his family stared as the red smoke formed a man of flame, the green smoke formed a square-headed man of stone, the blue smoke resolved itself into a young woman made of water and the yellow smoke shifted to the form of a large winged yellow pixie. "Hey, folks," the stone man with the square head addressed them. "Mind if we hang out with you?" "What?" Kim's wife asked. "I call this kid," the man of flame called, shifting back into smoke and seeping into Jae's pores. "Efrite!" the woman of water chastised, to no avail as the smoke dissolved. "Oh, for Christ's sakes." "Dao, be a dear and explain it to 'em, hmm?" the pixie told the stone man as she went back to her smoke form and absorbed herself into Dong. "Can do, Sylph," Dao told her as she dissolved. "Marid, you can have the woman here." "Right-o," the woman of water said, absorbing herself into Kim's wife. "See, we're the elemental spirits of the planet," Dao began. "And now we're kind of out of work, so we're just sorta going to give you our powers." "Oh," Kim said. "Plus we need to hide or we have to go back to work," Sylph said, momentarily popping up beside Dong for a second before going back into him. "Yeah, that," Dao agreed. "Since we'd rather not go save the world right now considering who we're supposed to be doing it with, we'll just kinda stay with you guys, okay?" "But doesn't that mean that my family and I are going to be put in charge of saving the world when the time arrives?" Kim asked. "Oh, yeah, but that won't be for a while," Dao reassured him. "Don't worry about it." "Hey, Dad!" Jae announced proudly, toddling up to Kim and forming a ball of flame around his outstretched foot. "Look what I can do!" Kim's wife stared at her son in a sort of dull shock. "Kim, our son just controlled the element of fire," she told Kim. A loud ZOT was heard, followed by excited giggling and the sounds of a large plant dying a miserable death. "And our other son just razed our neighbour's hedge to the ground with a bolt of lightning," Kim's wife added. "Loo' wha' I did!" Dong announced proudly around his mouthful of gravel as he ran up to his parents and pointed happily at the electrified remains of the hedge. "Spit out, Dong," Kim's wife prompted, holding her hand under Dong's mouth. "Well..." Kim began. "Oh, c'mon, pleeeeeease?" Marid asked, appearing over the shoulder of Kim's wife. "Ca' thr st, d?" Dong mumbled, then realized he had a full mouth and swallowed what had been in there. His mother's mouth dropped open in anxiety. "Can they stay, Dad? Can they?" Dong pleaded. "I want them to stay forever!" Jae said. "They can help us fight evil!" "Oh, well then!" Kim said, giving a smile that conveyed a true pride in the futures of his sons. "What the heck! Sure!" "Great!" Dao said. "So can I move in with you?" "With *me*?" Kim asked, giving a big smile that conveyed his unshakable faith in himself. "Good sir, I *need* no special powers other than those of TAE KWON DO!" "Oh," Dao said, sounding slightly worried and dejected. "You can use our car, though," Kim offered. "Hey, great!" Dao said happily, absorbing himself into the family car. "Mooom!" Jae whined. "I just set myself on fire!" "What?" Kim's wife asked in annoyance, channeling water through her body and letting it flow out of her hands in order to put out her son whom happened to be on fire. "Be more careful with that!" "Well!" Kim said, giving a smile that conveyed that it had been a big day. "It's been a big day." "Look what I did!" Dong announced proudly, holding up the twitching body of a stray cat. "...Dong, put that down," Kim told him. [---] "Forgot about that!" Jae told the flamebroiled Benimaru as he lay in the middle of the ring and the fires on his body slowly burnt themselves out. "Sorry!" "Gaaaaah," Benimaru tried to get out, being interrupted by a top-rope splash from Stingray that picked up the three count and the victory on the charcoal-ish lump of motionlessness that was Benimaru Nikkaido. "Chosen One!" Bob yelled in concern. "Are you..." Bob trailed off as he saw Bub look behind him and adopt an expression of panic. Bob turned around and felt the need to add "UH-oh!" "HEY!" CJ yelled, running down the arena steps with the rest of Violence Unlimited just behind him. "FUCKERS! C'MERE!" "RUN AWAY!" Bub exclaimed, the two tiny pink-clad dinosaur poinging away as fast as they'd ever poinged before under an assault of shouted threats and a hail of bullets that made other people in the audience duck. (Or, in the case of J.P. Polnareff, bleed uncontrollably and expire.) Jae, giving this the look of curiosity that it warranted, rolled out of the ring and walked up the ramp and backstage to where NEG was watching. "Huh," NEG told him. "Huh," Jae agreed, shrugging. "Good job out there," NEG told her boyfriend, hugging him just hard enough that she wouldn't break any ribs. (She had this calculated from experience. She'd broken a rib of his with her hugs before, and she wasn't going to make that mistake for the fifth time. The sixth time if you count the time they were doing something that wasn't *exactly* hugging, per se.) "You did really great." "Thanks," Jae said, returning the hug (just hard enough to not break her ribs -- three times and counting, if you're wondering). "I need to change." "And a shower," NEG added playfully, poking him in the shoulder as he removed the Great Oni mask and they walked towards the locker rooms. "That too," Jae said. "I'm kind of stinky at the moment." NEG poked him in the shoulder again, grinning. Jae stared at her for a second. "...oh, you meant *that* kind of... *ohhhh*. I get it," Jae amended, rubbing the back of his head. NEG giggled. Jae opened the door of the locker room and the two of them walked into... well, what definitely wasn't the locker room anymore. For one thing all the lockers had disappeared, replaced by grey leather furniture; the concrete walls and floor had been covered up by grey wallpaper and dark- grey carpeting; a big TV had been set up by a wall, which was odd seeing as the locker room hadn't previously contained any electrical outlets. "Ah, yeees!" Vince AkuMacMahon said with exaggerated glee as he walked up to Jae and NEG and led them towards a couch. "If it isn't our favourite little couple! Come on in, come on in! Sit right down." Jae and NEG sat down on the couch and exchanged glances of confusion. Vince AkuMacMahon sat down in a big chair placed perpendicular to the couch and held up a large plate of vegetables. "Would you like a carrot?" Vince AkuMacMahon asked, beaming a big smile. "Uhm, no, thank you," Jae said. Vince AkuMacMahon picked a carrot up off the tray, bit into it with a satisfied grin, and chewed happily as he put the tray down and leaned forward with his hands folded. "Now then! Down to business," Vince AkuMacMahon said. "I hear, Jae, that you've found work with Violence Unlimited." "Uh--" Jae began. "Well, that's great!" Vince AkuMacMahon said cheerily, raising his hands above his head. "Good for you! But you have to realize, Jae, that this means you are now an enemy of Danimism." The cheerful demeanor vanished abruptly as Vince AkuMacMahon stared intently at Jae. "What?" Jae asked. Vince AkuMacMahon snarled briefly, then went back to his 'neutral but vaguely threatening' mode and continued. "Now, Jae," he began, "we can do things the easy way... or we can do things the hard way. And if you do not give up working for Violence Unlimited the easy way... then we will have to do it the hard way." "Excuse me," Jae asked, "but who *are* you? I mean, why are you in the locker room?" "Well then!" Vince AkuMacMahon snarled. "The hard way you *have chosen*, Jae!" "Well, fine, that's very nice," NEG began, "but I think we'll be going now and-- EEW! Jae!" she broke off as Vince Aku-MacMahon stood up, turned around and dropped his pants. "Ick!" Jae said. "What are you doing?" "I CAN MAKE MY ASS *DO TRICKS*!" Vince AkuMacMahon barked, pulling his underwear down and flexing his glutei maximus repeatedly. "EEW! EEW!" NEG shrieked, covering her eyes. "MAKE IT STOP!" "That's just WRONG!" Jae complained, covering his eyes. (Perfect,) Vince AkuMacMahon thought to himself. With Jae and NEG blinded, Vince AkuMacMahon prepared to unleash his Instant Hell MacMurder on them while they sat defenseless. And he would have, by god, if the door hadn't opened just then. "Curiously Un-Pink Topknot!" Bub squeaked as he and Bob poinged frantically into the room. "They are after us!" "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Vince AkuMacMahon barked at them, pulling his pants up. "Violence Unlimited has found us!" Bob squeaked urgently. "We have to get out of here!" "I don't think you're gettin' anywhere, you pink bitches," CJ growled as he led Hugo, Poison, Sharon and Fuuma into the room. "Block the door, Fuuma," he added, which was completely unnecessary as the five of them were standing in a tight triangular formation in front of the door. "Uh-oh," Bub peeped in fear. "Wait!" Bob piped suddenly. "The Saikyo Clearance Device!" "Yes!" Bub agreed in sudden hope. "The Saikyo Clearance Device!" The two of them stood side-by-side, facing the knot of angry people blocking the door. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Sharon demanded, AK-Chan trained on Bob's head. "NOW!" Bub piped. From seemingly out of nowhere Bub and Bob produced a giant harpoon gun. "Erk," Poison announced, hir throat locking up in surprise. "FIRE!" Bob piped. Bub hit a trigger and, pulling its ammunition from a bag attached to its side, the Saikyo Clearance Device fired a round pink ball at Hugo. "GRRPMHLM?" Hugo asked in surprise. The ball, matching the colour of Hugo's tanktop, plowed into his stomach with enough force to knock him off-balance. "RLLGRTHRMFLL!" Hugo roared in pain, toppling to his left. "Uh-oh," Fuuma announced. "Oh, *shit*," Sharon complained. Hugo fell sideways onto the other four members of Violence Unlimited, bowling them all over and scattering them around the room. "Success!" Bub piped. The Saikyo Clearing Device abruptly vanished into thin air as Bub and Bob poinged over the body of Hugo and out the door. "This isn't over!" Vince AkuMacMahon barked at Jae and NEG as he stepped over the prone giant and joined Bub and Bob in getting the proverbial hell out of Dodge. "Fuck!" Sharon complained as she slowly rose to her feet. "They got away!" "Son of a bitch!" CJ leapt to his feet, marched over to the still-downed Fuuma, and beat him mercilessly with a tray of vegetables. "'BLOCK THE DOOR, FUUMA,' I SAID!" He yelled, continuing to batter Fuuma with the metal tray. "It hurts!" Fuuma complained. "Ex-*cuse* me, you two, you could have *helped us a bit* here!" Poison said testily to Jae and NEG as they continued to sit motionless on the couch. "Is the bad man gone?" NEG asked quietly, sitting motionless with her hands still over her eyes. "I'll protect you, dear," Jae offered, sitting motionless with his hands over his eyes. "Oh, for Christ's sakes!" Poison complained. "I found a carrot on the floor!" Fuuma offered happily, munching on a slightly-dirty baby carrot. "Shut *up*, Fuuma," Poison demanded in exaustion. [---] "Good job out there," Scorpion said later that night as he and Oni exited the lobby of Park World Restorative Facilities in perfect health. "Rikimaru sore wa Zamza seiryuu non da," Oni added, giving a thumbs-up and a nod. "Thanks," Benimaru croaked as he was brought through the doors on a stretcher and rushed through to intensive care. "Yukiguni aki yokozuna rikidozan ari Caramilk?" Oni asked Scorpion as the two of them got into a red porshe parked in front of the entrance. "The doc said no chocolate for twenty-four hours," Scorpion reminded him. Oni looked dejected. [---] "So OOSHA is back in business, are they?" CJ grumbled to himself, sitting in his office in the wee hours of the night. "It seems as though that this time they are out to take our workers down, rather than simply out-perform us. The only option available to us is simple: take the fuckers down. With Violence. Unlimited. Yes." "Please let me go home," Sharon begged. "You will get used to your new hours and like them," CJ told her. "Get back to gropin's." Sharon whined. [---] Author's Notes: Ee-yep. This took a while. And never let us never mention that again. Thanks for proofreading go to everybody who happened to be around at the time. Particularily Wanderer and Mervyn, because without their input I would be giving the powers of lightning to people who have never had them in their lives. ^_^ Slated to be next is W4, which is good because he is a rocker. He *rocks out*. And I believe that the queue is currently open, *hint hint*. Let me know if I'm being too subtle here. :) In conclusion, *man* am I glad to have this done. :) -MMK