"Daaaaamn, dude! I am so fucking stoned right now!"

Pac-Man wobbled down the narrow alleyway, bouncing off the walls like a 
slow, bumpy pinball. "That was some DAMN fine weed! But now I've got some
major munchies. DAMN, MAN!"

Pac-Man tried to see what was happening on the street in front of him. He
squinted and viewed what appeared to be a humanoid frog dressed in pimp
clothes and a beagle in street clothes.

"Now that's some fucked-up shit, dude," Pac-Man sighed.

The pimp-looking frog and the street dog began to rap.

Pac-Man perked up considerably, but not because of the rap. He noticed
something that appeared right above them.

It was a line of dots with occasional red, blue, pink and green symbols.

Pac-Man began to drool as he gave a glazed smile.

"DOTS!" he yelled as he dashed at the line and started chomping at it.

"DUDE!" Parappa shouted. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Yeah, mon. Take your big mouth and get on outta here, you lousy toker!"
Prince Fleaswallow added.

Pac-Man glared angrily at the two while continuing to chomp. "Piss off!" he
barked. "Can't you see I'm eating here?"

Parappa chided, "You're eatin' our rhythm bar, bitch! Step down before I pop 
a cap in yo' ass!"

Pac-Man turned to Parappa and found himself face-to-face with a widowmaker.

"Holy shit," he mumbled.

"STOP!" a female voice shouted.

All three turned to face Mai Shiranui. While she gave a speech about 
justice, fairness, Andy's firm ass, the way of the warrior, Andy's firm
ass, fighting tournaments, Andy's firm ass and, last but not least, Andy's
firm ass, Parappa and Prince Fleaswallow smiled lewdly and drooled.

Pac-Man also smiled and drooled at the bouncy ninja. But his was for another
reason.

"BOUNCING CHERRY!" he shouted as he darted towards Mai.

Surprised, Mai shouted, "What the... HEY! STOP BITING ME! OW! KNOCK IT OFF!
ANDY WILL GET YOU FOR THIS! HEEEELP!"

[---]

CJ picked up the phone.

"Yeah?" he grunted. "Yeah? Yeah? No, really? Holy shit. ...okay. I'm on it."

CJ dropped the phone on the receiver and hit the button on his intercom.
"Poison, send the new kid in."

[---]

Forgot About Jae
CHAPTER 1: Eating on The Run

Story begun by Shelby Scott, aka Darkheart One
This conglomeration of gags, jokes and blasphemies be Scott Watson aka W4

[---]

On the 0th episode of "Forgot About Jae,"... dude, look. It's 11K. It's 
funny as hell. Go read it yourself. If you're too lazy or humorless to do
that, then God have mercy on your soul for you'll get none from me.

[---]

Jae and his Nameless Everpresent Girlfriend (whom I shall refer to as NEG.
Why? BECAUSE YOU CAN'T STOP ME! THAT'S WHY!) walked into CJ's office. Jae
smiled a smile of confidence. He smiled a smile of eagerness. He smiled the
smile of a man whose NEG was brazenly and openly fondling him.

CJ grimaced at Jae. "So this upstart thinks he can one-up me, huh?" he 
thought to himself. "Well, TWO can play at this game!" He gruffly yelled,
"Sharon! I order you to grope me!"

Sharon paled considerably. "...what?" she squeaked.

"You heard me! Get your gun-toting gams over here and make with the touchy-
feely!" he hollered.

Sharon walked like a condemned inmate to CJ and attempted to emulate NEG's
actions with her head turned the other way.

"You got balls, kid," CJ said to Jae. "But you'll need more than that if you
want in on the dental plan."

Jae nodded.

NEG pinched.

Jae squeaked.

CJ continued, "So here's the scoop. One of our regular customers has got 
into a jam. Again. The dumb bastard got lit on fire, shot point-blank and
whipped around like a tetherball. So he calls us up from prison, and he 
wants us to do his job. So I want YOU to do the job."

CJ sat back.

Sharon squeezed.

CJ giggled.

Jae smiled brightly, causing CJ to squint and readjust his sunglasses. "I'm
ready to go to work. Please tell me more about this job, Mr. Nameless Shady
Evil Gangster Guy."

CJ grunted.

Jae smiled innocently.

NEG rubbed.

So did Sharon.

Jae got wide-eyed.

So did CJ.

"The name's CJ," CJ said, clearing his voice. "And here's the job. Mocan
Corners has been overrun by dots, power pellets and bouncing fruit. Your job
is to get down there and clean up that mess."

"So I'll be throwing them in the garbage?" Jae asked.

CJ grinned cruelly. "No, son. You'll be EATING them."

CJ laughed.

Sharon scratched.

CJ howled.

Jae paused. "Eat... I see... so be it. I could use a meal anyway," he mused
aloud. "We'll head to Mocan Corners at once.

CJ smiled at Jae.

Jae smiled at CJ.

NEG goosed Jae.

Jae yelped.

Jae and NEG bowed and left, Jae trying discreetly to unearth NEG's roaming
hand.

"Can I stop now?" Sharon asked in a pleading voice.

CJ shook his head. "You're still on the clock for two more hours," he 
stated.

Sharon cried.

[---]

Dr. Robotnik asked his patient, "How long have you had these symptoms?"

"ABOUT A WEEK," Onslaught whimpered in a loud, booming voice.

Dr. Robotnik glanced at Onslaught, who looked visibly tired and drained. "It
might be a common cold, but it sounds like a respiratory problem. I'm going 
to have to look at your nasal passages. Please clean out your nose so I can
investigate."

Onslaught nodded. With his mighty right arm, he pulled from his pockets a
piece of white cloth that was big enough to cover a suburban house. He put 
it to his nose.

Dr. Robotnik, realizing the danger he was in, futilely looked for cover.

Onslaught blew with enough force to send Dr. Robotnik and everything else 
that wasn't bolted down flying for several city blocks.

"BEHOLD," Onslaught announced after blowing his nose, "MY MIGHTY 
HANDKERCHIEF.  ...DOC? DOC? WHERE'D YOU GO?"

[---]

In a shadowy part of Mocan Corners, four ghosts (a red one, a cyan one, a 
pink one and an orange one) plotted.

"So they're sending in a new guy, huh?" Blinky, the red ghost, grumbled.

Pinky, the pink ghost, nodded and remarked, "Yeah! Another one of CJ's guys!
They're fun to pulverize!"

Inky, the cyan ghost, shuddered. "What if he's really tough?" he asked
nervously.

"Whoop-de-fucking-do," Clyde, the orange ghost, sighed.

Blinky drew his three partners close. "Okay. Here's the plan. When the new 
guy shows up, I'll follow him and try to run him down. Pinky, you try to cut
him off at the pass."

"Okay, boss!" Pinky enthusiastically replied.

"Inky, I want you to act afraid of him and run away if he sees you unless 
the others are nearby."

Inky mumbled while fidgeting with his arms, "I... is it okay if I ambush him
in the warp tunnels... if that's okay with you, sir?"

Blinky sighed. "Fine, fine. If you want to try and ambush him in the warp
tunnels, knock yourself out. Clyde! I want you to wander around aimlessly! 
Got it?"

Clyde crossed his arms and turned away. "Your plan sucks donkey nuts," he 
said with contempt. "Besides, I should be the boss."

Blinky floated angrily towards Clyde. Pinky and Inky floated back in fear.
"What. The. HELL. Did. You. Just. Say?" Blinky asked with clinched teeth.

Clyde floated forward and was face-to-face with Blinky. "I said that I 
should be the boss."

Blinky backed up a bit. "You. Should be the boss," he repeated.

Clyde nodded.

Blinky turned around, slowly floating away. "Hmm. You may be on to 
something, Clyde. But there's just one... little... thing... you're
forgetting."

In less time than it took to blink, Blinky dashed at Clyde and began to 
pummel him. Within seconds, Clyde, black-eyed and sore, cried for mercy,
his back pinned to the sidewalk by Blinky.

Blinky shouted as he beat Clyde, "THIS AIN'T NO GODDAMN HANNA-BARBERA 
CARTOON, AND THAT POINTY-HEADED DILDO WANNABE, MESMERON, ISN'T GOING TO 
BAIL YOUR FAT SPECTRAL ASS OUT OF THE FRYING PAN, YOU STUPID BITCH! AND 
DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT PULLING THAT 'PAC-MANIA' SHIT ON ME! YOUR TIME 
IN THE SUN IS OVER! I'M THE BOSS! I'M ALWAYS THE BOSS! AND YOU'RE MY BITCH!"

Blinky floated back to watch Clyde groggily float upright.

"So," Blinky asked, arms folded. "Who are you?"

Clyde sighed, "I am Blinky's bitch."

"Damn straight. And what are you going to do when the new guy shows up?"

Clyde sighed, "I'm going to wander aimlessly."

"DAMN straight," Blinky said with a sadistic smile.

Inky hollered, "Boss! He's coming!"

"Okay! Places, people! WE EAT TONIGHT!"

[---]

Meanwhile, on Asteroid M, four Acolytes stood guard over their sleeping
master, Magneto.

"How long has he been like this?" the first Acolyte asked.

The second Acolyte sighed, "It's been a week now."

"It was so tragic," the third Acolyte sobbed. "He was ambushed by Ken, Cable
and Strider Hiryu."

The fourth Acolyte balled his fist up and faced skyward. "Damn the Scrub
Corps!" he yelled.

Magneto opened one eye.

The Acolytes turned to him.

Magneto opened the other eye.

The Acolytes gasped in joy.

Magneto sat up.

"Master!" the Acolytes shouted.

Magneto pushed them aside with his magnetic powers and walked to a nearby
chamber.

"It is a miracle!" the first Acolyte shouted. "Magneto is alive and well, 
and he heads straight to the war room to make plans to destroy his hated-"

The sound of liquid splashing against liquid echoed throughout the room.

Large beads of sweat appeared on the backs of the Acolytes' heads. They 
looked each other and stood still for several minutes while the splashing
sound continued.

When the sound stopped, it was followed by an unmistakable flushing sound.
Magneto then strolled back into the room, laid down on the bed and went back
to sleep.

"Our lord and master," the first Acolyte whispered.

The second Acolyte added, "He didn't wash his hands."

[---]

Jae and NEG, who were now holding hands, were stunned with shock when they
walked into Mocan Corner. Hundreds of dots, some as bright as Jae's smile,
floated before them in a complex pattern of lines. They could also spot the
occasional bouncing strawberry and pretzel.

"We're supposed to eat all of this?" NEG gasped, clinging to Jae.

Jae laughed heartily. "I know it looks like a lot now, but don't fret. I 
don't think those small dots will be filling."

NEG didn't look convinced.

"Think of them as floating M&Ms," Jae suggested.

NEG nodded, smiled at Jae and goosed him.

Jae let out a slightly audible "Meep."

NEG grabbed two dots, handing one to Jae. They looked at the dots, then at
each other, then at the dots again. They shrugged and popped the dots in 
their mouth. After chewing for ten seconds, they swallowed.

"How was yours?" Jae asked.

NEG looked confused as she answered, "It didn't taste."

"It didn't taste what?" Jae asked. "It didn't taste good?"

NEG shook her head. "It didn't taste period," she explained. "I popped it in
my mouth. I knew it was there. And I felt myself swallow it. But there was
absolutely no flavor."

"Huh," Jae remarked, grinning goofily. "Mine tasted like pineapple."

NEG giggled and glomped Jae. "Oh, Jae. To you, EVERYTHING tastes like
pineapple."

Jae shrugged and laughed. "I guess it does. Most people think everything
tastes like chicken, but I taste pineapple. I wonder why that is..."

[---]

It is little-known knowledge that humans actually have FIVE taste buds. In
addition to "sweet," "sour," "salty," and "bitter," there is the mysterious
fifth taste bud, "chicken." This is the bud responsible whenever someone 
says, "This tastes just like chicken!"

You learn something new every day, don'tcha?

(FIFTEEN YEARS AGO)

As a young Kim Jae Hoon slept peacefully, a short, pudgy, wart-covered man
with fairy wings plopped into his bedroom.

"Ow!" the Taste Bud Fairy muttered, rubbing his keister. "Them landings keep
gettin' rougher and rougher!"

Grumbling, the Taste Bud Fairy pulled out a list and read it. "Okay... now
where is 'Kim Jay Poon' on this thing... nope. Nope. Nope. AH! Here it is! 
It sez, 'Replace 'chicken' with 'pineapple.'"

The Taste Bud Fairy squinted at the scroll. He looked at the kid. He resumed
squinting at the scroll.

With a sigh, he remarked, "I don't have to understands it. I just has to do
it..."

[---]

"...oh, well. Shall we feast on the dots?" Jae asked.

NEG nodded. They proceeded to grab dots by the handful and eat them.

"This is actually pretty fun!" Jae announced with a smile.

"Dear, you've got some dot stuck between your teeth," NEG warned him.

Jae flicked out the residual dot. "Thanks, hon."

"OW! Hey! This dot's been chewed on! Gross!" a third voice cried out.

Jae and NEG turned towards the voice and saw Inky.

Inky looked at Jae and NEG. He shook in fear. "...mommy," he squeaked. He 
then turned and ran.

"Wait! Come back, Mr. Ghost!" Jae called out. "I'm sorry about launching
chewed dot at you! C'mon, dear, let's follow him!"

Jae and NEG chased Inky around, grabbing the occasional handful of dots and
eating them.

After his seventh handful, Jae felt a tap on his shoulder.

He turned to see who it was.

It was Blinky's fist.

*WHAM*

Jae fell to the ground like a sack of wet mice.

"YEAH, BITCH!" Blinky shouted triumphantly. "You think you're so great 
because you have multiple pixels and polygons! Well, I WAS BREAKING HEADS
WHILE YOU WERE STILL SUCKING ON YOUR MOM'S TIT, YOU SNOT-NOSED PUNK!"

Pinky rounded a corner, saw the fallen Jae and leapt on top of him. "I got
him, boss! I got him!" he yelled.

Blinky rolled his eyes. "Pinky... you dumbass," he sighed.

"What? I got the wrong guy?" Pinky innocently asked.

NEG inched away from Blinky and Pinky.

"Not so fast, toots!" Inky yelled as he yanked her hair.

"OW! HEY! LEGGO!" she shouted.

Blinky laughed, "Nothin' doin'! If we let you go, you'd go straight for a
power pellet, and we wouldn't want-"

"Oh!" NEG interrupted, her face lighting up. "You mean one of these?"

NEG pulled a baseball-sized yellow orb out of her blouse and displayed it. 
It shined brightly and throbbed with energy.

Inky let go of NEG's hair and hid behind the retreating Blinky and Inky. 
"Now hey now," Blinky stuttered. "We didn't mean you and your guy no harm."

"It was all fun and games! Really!" Pinky whined.

Inky said in a pleading voice, "Just put. The pellet. Down."

NEG smirked mischievously and gulped it down.

The three ghosts turned dark blue, and the look of one who is about to die 
was plainly visible on their faces.

"LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!" the three ghosts shouted in unison. They
then ran off in three separate directions. For ten seconds, NEG tried her 
best to catch up to them (eating dots, two oranges and a bunch of bananas
during the chase), but they were too slippery for her to catch. As the chase
wore down, she noticed that the ghosts began to shift between dark blue and
white in color.

Just as she was about to catch Blinky, the ghosts reverted back to their
natural colors.

NEG gulped nervously. "You wouldn't hit a girl. Would you?" she innocently
asked.

Blinky shook his head. "No. I wouldn't hit a girl," he calmly stated.

NEG sighed with relief.

Then she got slapped by the back of Blinky's hand, causing her to fall to 
her knees.

"But I'll gladly bitchslap a bitch, YOU BITCH!" Blinky cursed. "PINKY! INKY!
CLYDE!"

Pinky and Inky rushed to Blinky's side. "Yes, boss!" they chanted.

Clyde, making a mad dash away from Mocan Corners, gave Blinky the finger.
"Fuck you, man! I'm wandering aimlessly just like you said, asshole!" he
shouted as he left.

"That... orange... PRICK!" Blinky hollered, trembling with rage. "When I get
through with him, there won't even be a pair of eyes left! YOU HEAR ME, 
CLYDE?  YOU'RE A DEAD GHOST MONSTER! YOU'RE DEAD!"

Blinky then glared at NEG.

"But first," Blinky chuckled as he, Pinky and Inky advanced towards her.
"We'll finish off this little harlot. Say goodbye, you miserable-"

They were blinded by a shining light.

"It's the cops!" Blinky shouted.

"Worse!" Pinky wailed. "It's the guy you cold-cocked!"

Jae stood and glared at them, giving off the blinding, open-mouthed sneer 
that could only mean one thing.

"EVIL," Jae bellowed. "WILL *NOT* BE TOLERATED! ESPECIALLY WHEN THAT EVIL
THREATENS ONE I LOVE!"

Inky began to openly sob. "I'm scared, Blinky. Hold me," he whined.

Jae held a power pellet in each hand, quickly downing both of them. Before 
the ghosts could turn and flee, Jae dashed by, safely scooping up NEG and
delivering several painful kicks to the ghosts. He gently placed NEG down in 
a side alley and resumed beating up the three ghosts all over Mocan Corners.
By the time he finished, the only things left in Mocan Corners were Jae and 
three floating pairs of eyes that haphazardly floated away.

Jae walked towards NEG, his demeanor slowly changing from hellbent to
cheerful. "Are you okay?" he asked with concern.

NEG nodded. "My left cheek is feeling a bit swollen."

Jae laughed. "My right eye and your left cheek are a perfect match, then."

They hugged and lightly kissed each other's injuries.

"This would be rotting my teeth out if I currently had any!" a retreating
Blinky thought to himself.

"Well, it looks like we're done here. I don't see any more dots," Jae 
bragged.

NEG smiled mischievously. "Actually, there's one dot left."

"Really? Where? I don't see it," Jae commented with confusion.

NEG whispered in Jae's ear, "That's because I hid it somewhere on my body."

Jae's blush covered his whole body.

"Well, what are you waiting for? The sooner you find that dot, the sooner we
can get paid!" NEG teased with a laugh.

"Yes, ma'am!"

[---]

On the other side of town, Clyde found himself in another alleyway.

"I better lay low in case the other three finish those two off and decide to
come after me," he thought out loud.

Clyde heard a grunt behind him.

Clyde turned around.

"Oh, no," he gulped as he saw the figure. "Blood-red hair tied in a knot.
Torn, dark-grey gi! Eyes marked with the blood of his victims!"

Akuma took one step forward. The ground shook.

Clyde floated down to the ground and cried. "Please, Mr. Akuma! Please don't
hurt me! I'll do anything! ANYTHING!" he pleaded.

"..." Akuma replied. "Prepare for my ultimate attack."

"NO! NOT THE INSTANT HELL MURDER! ANYTHING BUT THE INSTANT HELL MURDER!" 
Clyde wailed. He gulped and waited for the moment when Akuma's hands would
grab him and take him to the gates of hell.

That moment never came.

Clyde looked at Akuma, who was now dressed in a white sports jacket, black 
t-shirt, white dress slacks, white shoes and a white hat with a black band.

Clyde blinked in confusion.

"I'm Bad," began to play, and Akuma danced to it. He even moonwalked.

Clyde, both relieved and confused, joined in the dance. Within seconds, both
Akuma and Clyde were dancing furiously.

Just as Clyde had worked up the courage to try moonwalking himself (quite a
feat considering that Clyde had no feet), the music stopped.

Akuma slammed his fist into the ground.

A geyser of raw energy exploded beneath Clyde, completely disintegrating 
him. He didn't even have enough time to shout in pain.

Akuma turned his back to the geyser as it subsided. Kanji appeared on the 
back of his sports jacket.

It read, "Akumichael Jackson."